Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 78. Artie Lange LIVE @ Caroline's

Episode Date: November 23, 2015

In a special live episode recorded at Caroline's on Broadway (in association with the 2015 New York Comedy Festival), Gilbert and Frank are joined (once again) by comedian and actor Artie Lange, who holds court on a host of topics, including his tumultuous stint at "Mad-TV," his love of Woody Allen's "Take the Money and Run" and his grandfather's fondness for "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Also, Tom Cruise loses his cool, Jack Benny bests George Burns, Bill Cosby tutors young "talent" and Gilbert and Howard Stern share a scene from a spaghetti western. PLUS: Lee Marvin gets busted! Sammy Davis sheds a tear! Artie channels Robert Shaw! Johnny Carson roasts Redd Foxx! And the return of Ray J. Johnson, Jr! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You see, it's kind of a pun on the last name. Ah, never mind. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Carolines on Broadway and the 2015 New York Comedy Festival. Thank you. Caroline's on Broadway and the New York Comedy Festival are proud to present a very special live episode of Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast, recently named the best podcast of 2015 by The Village Voice.

So please welcome your hosts, Gilbert Gottfried and Frank Santopadre. Hey! by the Village Voice. So please, welcome your hosts, Gilbert Godfrey and Frank Santopadre. Thank you. Hi. Best for you, my friend. Thank you guys for coming out. We appreciate it. Turn my phone off.

Oh. So, do I just start? out. We appreciate it. Turn my phone off. Oh. So, do I just start? No, I'm going to thank a couple of people first. I just want to thank, there's a lot of people involved in putting this show together. Every week, and I want to thank them quickly. Darren Foster, Mike McPadden, Jessica Wynn, our

photographer, Alex Brazell, Eddie Marino, Sean Marrick, Frank Verderosa, who's here, records us at Nutmeg Post, Wade Snook, who does our wonderful Photoshop and posters. There'll be some on sale in the lobby afterwards, so stick around. Andrew Stephen, Brian Sussman, Paul Rayburn, John Seals, Brian Baldinger, who's here, John Sullivan at Caroline's, Lou Ferranda, and Greg Charles. I hope I haven't left anybody out. And, of course, the woman who makes the show go

and is responsible for everything we do, Dara Gottfried, Gilbert's lovely wife. Where are you, Dara? There she is. And real quickly, I wanted to point out another very funny man who is here tonight watching the show along the wall there. Stand up. Very funny, Robert Wool from Bull Durham.

Say hi, Robert. All right. Mr. G. Mr. G? Oh. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. And this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we're here at Caroline's Comedy Club in New York City. And that's on Broadway. And it's in association with the New York Comedy Festival. And our guest this week is back with us for round two

after recording what was arguably our most popular episode. He's a comic actor, radio and podcast personality, and a New York Times best-selling author. You know him from Mad TV and The Norm Show and movies like Dirty Work and Elf, as well as his own podcast, The Arty Quitter Podcast. Please welcome one of the funniest men in comedy

and the recently appointed president of the Tracy Morgan Fan Club. Our pal Arnie Lang. Marty Lang! Thank you, Frank.

Wow! What an exciting intro that was. Just a list of shit I've done. Yeah, so have you heard from Tracy? Yeah, he calls my machine once a day. I got Walmart money. I saw Tracy's new house, and I want to say I'm happy for him, but if there's anybody here who drives for Walmart, I'll be on the turnpike. If there's anybody here who drives for Walmart, I'll be on the turnpike driving Gilbert home at 2 a.m. at Exit 8-8.

You can kill Gilbert. That's fine. As long as I stay alive. Was there any feedback or blowback or anything? I mean, we got. You got blowback? Well, we got a ton of tweets, and I mean, it was... Oh, tweets, yeah. Yeah, I mean...

Yeah, Artie's bloated liver on Twitter was very... I heard from Obese Witherspoon. The Village Voice Review pointed out your episode. They highlighted your episode. Well, listen, come on. So obviously a mark was made. I've always been a critic darling. But this is, yeah, this Scott Vodafest podcast, huh?

By the Village Voice. That's impressive because every human being has a podcast. We wanted six billion. But there is a tremendous lack of excitement in the room. You announced this six weeks ago. There's like 80 people. What other person in comedy could mention they're going to be at Caroline's six weeks earlier

and immediately 80 people show up? There's more people than Aziz Ansari's dressing room. Well, we wanted it to be more intimate. Yeah, well, me and you are better intimate. This is like a Klan meeting. Run by a Jew. I'd like to read the minutes from last week. I'd like to read the minutes from last week No, I don't know

People always ask me Was I kicked out of show business For the Tracy Morgan thing You have to be in something to be kicked out of When young comics ask me now How you get into comedy I have no idea, I completely forget how I got into comedy But I know how you get into comedy. I have no idea. I completely forget how I got into comedy.

But I know how to get out of it. There's three words you just have to say in the right context. And that's comedy's ripcord. You'll be working at a deli on Monday. But so it's good to be back here. And thank you for having me. Of course. Yeah, of course. Okay. That, of course. Okay.

That was already lined, ladies and gentlemen. We didn't say it was going to be a long visit. You know, I should... You're a regular Johnny Carson. Real smooth. That's wild. Oh, that is... No, no, I should...

It usually has to be a Howard story. Oh, yeah. That gets... Okay, so we were doing the podcast. Right. And we were interviewing Howie Mandel. Okay. And we interviewed him backstage at America's Got Talent.

Right, at Radio City Music. Yeah, and in his dressing room, and he was nice and fun. And Heidi Klum, who I don't know. Right. I was standing in her dressing room, and she was wearing just a bra. Yeah. And that was good. She's got to be your favorite German. Yeah, yeah.

It's not wearing a Klemperer, Gil? See, if Hitler would have won, that's what broads would look like. Let me tell you, for five minutes with Heidi Klum, I would go around the country and deny the Holocaust never happened. Do you think that's true? Would she make you yell that out during sex? Like, say the Holocaust never happened. Who's Mengele?

So anyway, Howie Mandel says to me, goes, oh, stick around. Howard Stern's coming in. And I said, no, it's kind of awkward. And then I'm waiting at one, I'm talking to someone at one end of the

hallway and at the and then I hear Howie go Howard we got a friend of yours here but you haven't been on the show in a few years so it's awkward you don't know why and so I step out in the hallway and it's a long hallway and he's

at the other end and I'm at this end and it's like a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western. And neither one of us approaches the other. Wow. Yeah. Was there an awkward stare down? It was awkward

and like imagine it was less comfortable than the Central Park joggers and the group of young black teenagers. That's very uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. So it was kind

of, it made that look comfortable. Wow. Yeah. You're saying four black kids accused wrongly of beating a woman near death and being, like, arraigned in court was less awkward than you seeing Howard Stern? Yes. Well, that's well put. You really weave a tale. Now, Gilbert and I used to get in a lot of trouble on the show.

When Gilbert would come in for the news, you know, we would... You know, back in the politically incorrect days, if you did a redneck accent, you could say anything you wanted to. If you were in a character, whatever, you know. So Gilbert and I were in the news, and we were saying the N-word quite a bit. What episode was that? I'm trying to remember. That's like, it's the one where they try to get off the island.

And so Howard got frustrated. He couldn't deal with it anymore. So he said, he looked at me, and It was like me and Gilbert were in school, and you can't look at each other. You're going to laugh. And Howard said, listen, enough. No more N-word. You can't say the N-word anymore.

No more. And me and Gilbert said, okay, we're sorry. We put our heads down. And Robin was doing the news. So Howard said, okay, Robin, next story. And I swear to God, Robin said, Spike Lee has a new movie. Yeah.

And that's all you heard. You heard that and you just heard... But we were in character. So you're here doing a... How much do you make over this podcast? A fortune Big money Yeah, I can tell people are working for you

Those are the people who work for Gilbert They're all mad because they don't get paid I don't know what you're talking about The photographer's been working for you for six months She said she's down two grand Artie, not to take it back to Nazis The photographer's been working for you for six months. She said she's down two grand. Artie, not to take it back to Nazis, but you told us backstage that you had a subject that you found intriguing. People might know about this.

This is a true story. New York Magazine did a poll. They asked adults, like all the intellectuals that read New York Magazine, would you kill Hitler when he was a baby? A real, total, honest-to-God poll. Would you kill Hitler as a baby? And a lot of, most people answered yes. And what do you think about that, Gilbert? I mean, I'm doing some quick math.

It is killing a baby, which is hard, but... Tim, what do you think about that? Well, if Heidi Klum had agreed to suck my dick, I would go back in time and not touch Hitler

at all. You wouldn't nurse him. You would nurse him. You would constantly take his temperature. Are you okay, baby? I'd bring him penicillin, anything. Well, my take on it was baby Hitler is a fucking no-brainer.

I would kill baby Ryan Seacrest. Ah, yeah. I would kill baby A-Rod. In a fucking heartbeat. Jesus, come on. Hitler, of course you would. Right?

I mean, you saved six million of your people, right? Yes. Yes, I would do it. Other people might not. But does it have to be Heidi Klum? Yes. If it was Heidi Klum, I'd keep Hitler alive and happily allow the Holocaust. Now, Artie.

Yes. I heard that you saw Gilbert's... I answered that. Yes. It's a bad sign. I'm sorry. Feel free. It's a bad sign.

I didn't get my script. Oh, mine is the blue. Yeah. Okay. I heard you saw Gilbert's act on your 20th birthday. You got him with a fake ID. I did, yeah. I heard on the Howardard stern show gilbert

was going to be a caroline's this was by the seaport back then yeah the old caroline yeah like about 19 i was my 20th birthday me and a bunch of my friends went to see gilbert uh that had to be 1988 and we laughed it was fucking amazing really really funny and um i work with him all the time now which is odd and to this day when i work with him all the time now, which is odd. And to this day, when I work with him, I still see that same act. He's doing the same bit. The Ben Gazzara bit. Yeah, it's still funny. Gilbert wonders why 20-year-olds boo him.

He's making Three's Company reference. I'm making Have Gun, Will Travel. These kids watch, you know kids watch those video games like Grand Theft Auto. You're talking about John Ritter falling over an Ottoman. We had a gig in Anaheim once. This had to be 2004 or 3. There was like 1,400 kids there.

23-year-old kids. And Gilbert bombed so fucking bad. And at the end, he had to do a certain amount of time or else he wouldn't get paid. So to kill that time, you just sang the Jerry Lewis song at the end of the telethon. You walk alone. You don't walk alone.

When you walk through a storm, through a storm. Hold your hand up high. He's doing this 24 kids, 24 kids from Southern California screaming, fuck you, faggot! We hope you get muscular dystrophy! And then he walks off stage like he just did his HBO special.

What I remember is you and everybody else from the Stern Show were there. Baba Booey was there. Yeah, yeah. And all of them... And when I walked the stage, you know, the audience was booing me. Right, I remember. And all of you were off to the wings. Great job. Show business is about being phony.

Yeah. But that was the trip You wonder how cheap Gilbert is That was the trip when we got back home to New York We were waiting for our bags And I accidentally hit Gilbert's carry-on bag And a bunch of creamers came out A bunch of creamers from the diner

You never know when you're going to need a thousand creamers Can I tell the audience about Lily's science fair experiment? Oh, yes. Is your daughter Lily? Yes. This is Gilbert's lovely daughter Lily, and I came over to the apartment the other night. We were recording a couple of mini-episodes, and Gilbert's lovely wife Dara says, Lily's doing a science experiment.

We're going to take 35-year-old toothpaste and see if it still has any life. And I said, where are you going to get 35-year-old toothpaste? And then I caught myself. Because he's been collecting it from hotels from the road. Again, Gilbert has such beautiful kids and you can tell they've never had a winter coat.

I want to get more involved in your kid's life. I want to get him a winter coat. Yeah. Oh, God. Go into the neighbor and ask him for a cup of toothpaste. Is that true? So toothpaste is on sale. So when it's on sale, you hoard it.

Yes. Okay. Yeah. you hoard it. Yes. Okay. I hoard it, yeah. And you never use a cab? You walk all over the place, right? To save money. Yeah. No, no. It's for my heart. Well, you're actually the healthiest Jew on the planet. And that's stiff competition.

If it's the healthy... Well, you are getting a little like your knees are knocking now, like you look very... How is your health? Yeah, well, I'll be dead before this contest is over. I asked

Gilbert if he was in Vietnam. You're the only guy who was 4F in your physical from a headshot First of all, this is the only guy I can talk down to about health I'm talking like I'm David Beckham Right, exactly I'm talking like I'm David Beckham. Right, exactly. It's like they look at me and then they look at you and go, Artie, you look great.

Matter of fact, I pay Gilbert every once in a while to come with me on a date. I walk along with Artie and it's like, Artie, are you working out? Jesus. Model agencies approach me. Boy, you're with an ugly guy, but my God, you are a young Richard Gere. I would kill baby Richard Gere.

Yeah. Yeah. Richard Gere? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, how about a baby L. Ron Hubbard? Oh, yeah. That would be a definite. That's a must.

I don't know. Tom Cruise is too entertaining. I wouldn't want to put those people, those 80 people out of work who had to find him a wife. Did you see that documentary, The Going Clear? Oh, yeah, on HBO.

It's great. I mean, there were about a staff of like 50 people who tried to find him a wife. Katie Holmes is who they came up with. I don't know about that. But Tom Cruise, it pissed me off so much because remember, Tom Cruise was talking about Katie Holmes on Oprah. And he's been a movie star, a good looking movie star for fucking 20 years. And Oprah asked him about Katie Holmes. He was like a solid, you know, Jersey Six.

I don't know. Stop fucking getting carried away. You'd let the Holocaust happen for Haiti. You'd let the holocaust happen for Haiti Oprah said to him You're dating Katie Holmes And he jumped up on the couch Like he was a seventh grader who just got his first kiss He's like yeah

When you get to the end zone act like you've been there before He's jumping around because he's fucking Katie Holmes Katie Holmes should be should be fucking... Katie Holmes should be a distant memory of a blowjob he got on the set of Risky Business. Speaking of Tom Cruise already, were you cut from Jerry Maguire? I was, yeah.

I did a scene with Tom Cruise and Jerry Maguire. He wasn't thrilled with me. He'd be less thrilled with you now. Yeah, well, he's like one of those guys, he's like one of those real go-getter guys, like a guy who high-fives you a little too hard, you know. He's always going snowboarding, you know. With one of Charlie Sheen's kids, he's always going snowboarding.

But so he didn't think I... He felt I looked like a schlubby. What part were you playing? Well, it was not really – I had to play an annoying guy who had a sports – That's a tough one. An annoying guy on a sports radio show, and I go up to him at the NFL draft when Kelly Preston smacks him in the face and punches him. And I interrupt them while they're having a moment, and he kind of looks at me like, fuck off, and I leave the scene.

But I memorized the scene verbatim, and Cameron Crowe wrote it. He was directing it, and it said, take a pause before you come in. So they stopped talking. I took a pause. I came in. I said my lines, and there's all these people, a guy with a Steadicam who's sweating, like, you know, everybody's worried that everything's okay.

And Tom Cruise looks at me and goes, could you come in quicker, please? And everybody looked down like, okay, this asshole fucked it up for us. And Cameron Crowe was real nice. He came over to me and he said, look, just do what he wants to do. I'll explain to him it was, you know, my fault and everything.

You know, then I did it without the pause, and he said, thank you! The real military was he said thank you real military like thank you and i realize kelly preston is with john travolta all day and she's working with tom cruz it's like i'm the first straight guy she's saw i was giving off that heterosexual energy she wasn't used to I was giving off that heterosexual energy she wasn't used to. Is John Travolta coming by the set? No, he's getting a massage for some reason.

At the Peninsula Hotel for eight hours. Now, did you get arrested in the middle of that movie? What? No. No? No. I've been arrested. Yeah? Not in the middle of a movie? What? No. No? No. I've been arrested. Yeah. Not in the middle of a movie. No. Oh, you make sure it's not in the middle of a movie. That was in the middle of a movie.

So you're a professional. If you get arrested, but just not in the middle of a film. It was the middle of a TV show. Yeah. Yeah, during a rehearsal for Mad TV, I got arrested for possession of cocaine, and Iing at a cop. I always tell people, like black people always say, did you vote for Barack Obama?

And I'm like, no. And they think I'm being racist. And I'm like, no, I can't vote. I'm a convicted felon. If you take a swing at a Los Angeles cop with an eight ball of blow in your pocket, you can never vote again. If you take a swing at a Los Angeles cop with an 8-ball to blow in your pocket, you can never vote again. Was there a story, Artie, about you leaving the set in pig makeup? Yeah.

Was it Babe Boy? Boy, this is your life, Artie Lange. Holy shit. Most depressing thing ever. Somebody backstage said you have to get Artie to tell this story. Well, I mean, yeah. You don't have to tell it. No, we did, on Mad TV, we'd do sketches. A lot of them were based on

bad puns. In writers' meetings, we would yell out puns as a joke, and we'd end up doing the fucking sketch. They told us Tori Spelling was going to be on the show once. They got her to guest star, and she was on Melrose Place at the time, so it was a big deal. And I yelled out,

why don't we do the Tori Spelling Bee? They said, what would that be? And we said, well, she would spell the word nepotism.

That's funny. That's funny. And use it in a sentence by looking at the camera and going, I like nepotism. And they sent that to her and I got in trouble for it.

I said, that was a joke but instead of dead man walking I yelled out Ed McMahon walking as a joke they made me up as Ed McMahon and I was fucked I did the sketch so we did a sketch called Babe Watch

which was Babe the Pig in Baywatch as a lifeguard and for some reason I played the pig but the woman who did makeup on that show was a woman named Jen Ospinal As a lifeguard. And for some reason I played the pig. But the woman who did makeup on that show was a woman named Jen Ospinal. She was a Saturday Night Live alum of makeup. And she was great at prosthetics. She put three hours of prosthetics on me

on location in Malibu. I had to get there at four in the morning. And at the end I looked like a fucking pig. I mean, I had a pig snout. Like the ears. They put six pig teats on me because the joke was going to be I had a bikini top on each teat. And they said, all right, you've got about a half an hour before we start shooting. Go in your little trailer.

So I go in the trailer, and I'm eating. They brought me breakfast. And I look at the mirror, and I'm like, first of all, I can't get the food in my mouth. And secondly, I look at my – and it'm like, first of all, I can't get the food in my mouth and secondly, I look at my, and it's a piggy, I look like a pig eating and I fucking lost it. I said, this is not why I got into show business. I freaked out. So I called my coke dealer and I said,

you gotta get me cocaine Otherwise I'll never get through the day So my coke dealer was this guy I had a contact in New York When I was struggling doing stand up And when I got out to LA I said do you have any contacts in LA

And of course he did And the guy was He's dead now But he was a Rastafarian guy He was the coolest motherfucker I ever met You know the Dos Equis commercial, the coolest guy ever? That's what this guy was.

No matter what time of the day, like 9 a.m. on a Tuesday, he was at a party in a tuxedo. Like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction. Always had broads around him, Corvettes, just like a cool motherfucker. And he was the best drug dealer ever. If anyone knows about drug dealers, they're never on time.

They tell you they're going to be in Atlantic City. You get to Atlantic City, they're late. You call them. They go, nah, man, I'm in Delaware now. And you got to drive to Delaware. But he would beat you to the place. He was fucking a good businessman. So I called him, and he was around the area

of Malibu. I said, dude, I gotta get some blow. He goes, can you get to Duke's? It's a restaurant on the Pacific Coast Highway. Can you get to Duke's? And I said, yeah, I could do that. So he goes, meet me there in a half an hour. So I run out of my trailer, dressed like a pig.

I grab my car keys, I bolt to my car, get in my car and drive away like a pig in full gear. I grab my car keys. I bolt to my car. Get in my car and drive away like a pig. And the assistant directors, it's their job to make sure that doesn't happen. That's their whole job. So they're yelling at me, Artie, where you going? Where you going? I do about 90 miles an hour on the Pacific Coast Highway towards Dukes.

Now, I get to Dukes. He's fucking waiting for me there. I said, well, you had brunch at Dukes? So I never told him what I did. I was for me there. I said, were you at brunch at Duke's? So I never told him what I did. I was afraid to tell him I was on a TV show. I kept that part, you know, secret. He just knew I always had money on me. And I get out of the car, I approach this guy.

Now, realize what he, I forgot what I looked like, you know. I'm trying, when I want to laugh, truly laugh, if I'm down, I think of the guy's face when he saw me. He looked at me and I'm dressed like a pig.

I forget I'm dressed like a pig and full snout and everything. And he looks at me and goes, damn man, what kind of shit are you into he must have thought i was out like that like an eyes wide shut party with the masks and i said oh no i realized what he was looking at i said i'm on a tv show i'm playing babe the pig and he asked me about the sketch. I'm like, let's talk about this later. At my Kennedy Center Honors for Comedy,

we'll talk about it. I'm sure they'll call you to say a few words. So he gives me the cocaine. I go into my car, and I want to do a hit immediately, and I put some on a key, a key of, you know, they call it a key hit. And I, very creative.

I put some on the key, and I go to do the cocaine in my car, looking around for cops. It's broad day, it's like 8 a.m. People are jogging. Like hot chicks are jogging with their dogs, you know. I try to get the coke in my ear, in my nose, but I can't get it through the pig nose. I couldn't get the cocaine in the pig nose. And I'm thinking

to myself, I gotta be the only human being on the planet who's ever had this problem. So I was so desperate, I said, fuck it, I gotta break the nose. Three hours. Three hours of prosthetics. I broke through the nose. I hit a couple of them. I felt better.

I raced back to the set. I stopped on Topanga Canyon. There's always hot chicks around, hiking and shit. And next to me there was a beautiful girl in a Lamborghini. She looked like Christie Brinkley on vacation. She was smoking. And I looked over at her. And she was looking at me.

And this was her face. Because I did another... And I realized she was looking at a pig doing cocaine. And I rushed back to the set. They saw my... I had another hour to fix my fucking nose. All day I kept breaking the nose,

like every half hour. And it was terrible. They put us in a little motel to stay overnight because we had to work the next day and I had to be there at 4 a.m. again. At some point

in the middle of the night, I shit the bed. I shit my pants. Just all the badness came out of me. I woke up the next day. It was like Waltz and the Godfather with the blood. With the horses. It was all blood.

It was all shit. I took a boiling hot shower. I had no time to clean it up. I put the bedspread over it and I left. We finished the sketch. On the way home, I realized that the room wasn't in my name. It was in the assistant director's name. So I almost got them fired and they had to

probably pay for a shitty bed. And they never said anything to me. They were professionals. They never said anything to me. They were professionals. They never said anything to me. So that's the story. It's worth it. What, in our first Godfather reference, you want to talk about some old movies?

Sure. You're a movie guy. Absolutely, yeah. Oh, can you tell first... Uh-oh. And this pales in comparison. I should have closed with the pig.

Yeah, yeah. Tell the story about the time you twisted your ankle jogging. Yeah. You can't open with, I was shitting dressed as a pig. But You can't open with, I was shitting dressed as a pig. But I remember you telling me you were in your apartment with your girlfriend. Right.

And you called your dealer. Right. And he was going to come over with some drugs. Yeah. And your girlfriend said to you, you know, we should do something fun. We should go to Hawaii. Right. And you said to her, in a couple of minutes, I'm having Hawaii delivered here.

Yeah. That's when she started packing. Go ahead, Frank. You got that story out of the way? It's a good one. That's a great impression of me, too. Close your eyes. It's like...

When you do a podcast, what you want to do is have a microphone in front of you. Because that records it better if the microphone is by your mouth. If it's behind you, then it sounds muffled. And you want to get a lot of listeners. If you get hardly any listeners, they consider that a failure. Well, you took the microphone advice, but not the...

Work on that second thing. What do you guys want to talk about? Just try to get a little bit on theme. What movies are you going to talk about? We're going to talk about some stuff from the 70s. The last time you were on, we talked about Godfather. We talked about how you were obsessed with The Odd Couple and The Honeymooners. We were all over the place.

That's all I watched as a kid. Again, I think Gilbert has a similar experience. Yeah, that's all I watched as a kid. I mean, again, I think Gilbert has a similar experience. If I didn't watch The Odd Couple and Honeymooners when I discovered them in the first grade, I could have gone to medical school. The space I took up in my brain. Me too.

And we just lost Al Molinaro, Murray the Cup. I know. I saw Murray die. A couple of weeks ago. I hate when people think of him as from Happy Days and not The Odd Couple. Yeah, that was in all your bits, Happy Days. No one mentioned in any of... The Odd Couple? Yeah. Yeah, it was all Happy Days. That's fucking

depressing. One mention of him is Murray the Cop. Depressing as hell. People are known for the shit that they do, not the good stuff. Well, like when Rod Steiger died, and I mean, here... High applause. Who knows who Rod Steiger died, and I mean here. My applause. Who knows who Rod Steiger is?

Oh, good. All right. All right. So here he's done, you know, on the waterfront, the heat of the night. Porn broker. Porn broker. Legendary film. Al Capone. He's the best Al Capone.

Yeah, right. And when he died, all of the news channels were showing that scene in Mars Attacks where he's yelling and they shrink him down tiny and they turn his voice to a Mickey Mouse sound.

That's sad. And I thought, that's what he's... What would they show for you when you die? Is there tape of that gig in Anaheim? Well, you got the parrot in Aladdin, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Sure.

And then you got the tweet about calling Koreans not. What did you create about Koreans? Japanese. There's the Japanese. Get it right. You said they're not human. That one. There's the Japanese Get it right He said they're not human That one There's that

Hot to trot There's Aflac Yeah Yeah There'd be Funky Monkey I was in With Matthew Modine

What about The Bill Cosby episode You're in the You're in the most Watched Bill Cosby Yes Ever Yeah Did in the most watched Bill Cosby ever. Yeah. Did he try to rape you? Did you see him?

What do you mean try? That's how you got the part. Yeah. You know, it was a big show. He didn't have to rape me for it. He wasn't there on a Thursday or something. Let me just fuck you in the ass and the part's yours, Gilbert. Ho!

Let me stick my black dick in your little Jew asshole and I'll make you scream out. Ho! That should be when you die. make you scream out. Oh! That should be when you die. That's the bit. That's the old bit. The thing that surprises me the most about the Bill Cosby story is how good he got at putting women to sleep.

It was like he became an expert Vegas hypnotist or something. On three, you're going to go to sleep. You're going to go to sleep. It was like he became an expert Vegas hypnotist or something. On three, you're going to go to sleep. You're going to go to sleep. And I'm not raping you. I'm not raping you. I'm not coming on your back. I'm not coming on your back. If you find cum on your shirt, that's Malcolm Jamal Warner.

That's Malcolm Jamal Warner. And you're awake. You're awake. What did he tell you, though? He told you something about why the assistant director told you why he wasn't there. Because he did something every Thursday. Oh, my God. This is a true story. Oh, my God.

I don't know this story. Yeah. Yeah. This story I heard from someone who worked on the series. When you were dating Tempest Bledsoe. when you were dating Tempest Bledsoe. That there was a certain portion of the day set aside, like 3 o'clock or whatever, where he...

Allegedly... Please throw that in. Where he gave... He taught Asian models. He gave comedy lessons to Asian models. And this is why there are so many funny Asian models now. That's why in the 90s we saw so many funny Asian models. That is so specific.

Who would say that with a straight face? Oh, he gives Asian models comedy lessons. What? You would tell somebody who works you under no circumstances. Do you tell somebody, I give Asian models comedy lessons? See, but to prove it's true, just today a Chinese girl came over to me and said, Hey, how's it going, little lady? And you're going, oh!

As a matter of fact, Connie Chung used to sign off the news. This was weird. Now it makes sense. Connie Chung would sign off the world news tonight by going, hey, hey, hey. Connie Chung that's the news hey ba-da-ba hey Alba-ba-doob she put a hat on

like Rudy with the eye holes yeah the eye holes last Yeah, the eye holes. Last night, I was fucking Lucy Liu. That's the funniest thing she's ever done. And in the middle of orgasm, she yelled out, Now, the local newswoman, Katie Tong,

I used to fuck her. And when she orgasmed, she would yell out, Jello brand pudding! Yeah, the guy, the kid on Fat Albert had that mask with the eye. Oh, yes. Connie Chung needed slanted eye.

You mean Mush Mouth or the other guy? Wow. Speaking of Asian models, I'm going to do a segue here. I'm glad I'm in shape. You want to tell Artie who we're pursuing to be on the show? Oh, Papillon Susu. She is the girl. Thank you. Thank you. Papillon Susu's mom. Is that the person Steve McQueen played in the movie? No. No. She was the girl in full metal jacket who went, me so horny.

Wow, really? No, actually, when it was re-released in the 80s, she said, Me so horny, I really got to see. Now, pat me on. I've seen you real. Have you thought about trying that another way?

Me so horny. She wrote the biggest hit two-life crucial. She's actually not even in show business anymore. Somebody tracked her down for us. She's not in show business. Neither is Matthew Modine.

Frank just seriously said She's actually not in show business anymore She's a foot doctor living in London Kid you not Yeah, because we called her And she said I'm a foot doctor And I'm taking the feet

And I'm looking at the toes. You got a fungal infection on your toes. By any chance, are you so horny? I'm so horny I could go me so horny? I'm so horny, I could go, oh!

Me, so horny. Oh, that's fucking funny. You want to talk about some 70s mob movies? I feel like young people don't remember 70s movies anymore. They already forgot them. You know, our show is all that kind of arcane shit and old movies. A kid will come up, it's flattering, but a kid will come up to me and say, you know, my favorite movie of all time is Dirty Work.

I go, you really should rent The Sting. Gilbert is not a fan of the sting. Not a fan? Not a fan of the sting. Why? I didn't do it for me. Why? Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry, James. Honestly, it's one of my favorite things. The five of you in the audience can leave. Yeah. Did you like the sting, too?

Yeah. Oh, yes. With Jackie Gleason and Mac Davis. Oliver Reed. That's right. And Terry Garr. Right. It's a classic.

No, but why don't you, what, you just didn't like The Sting? I never really got into those whole, you know, scheme movies. I always rooted for the... You make it sound like an episode of The Rockford File. But, yeah, I always rooted for the villain to win. You like Robert Shaw. Yeah. Yeah, you're rooted for the villain to win. You like Robert Shaw. Yeah, you're rooted for Robert Shaw's character.

What about his performance? You're past post and aren't you, Kelly? How? Plus you got all those great character actors in there. Harold Gould and Ray Walston and Charles Durning and Jack Kehoe. For Robert Shaw alone in that movie,

it's just fucking great. You see that guy, Floyd? Take a good look at that face, Floyd. Because if he ever finds out I could be taken by one lousy grifter, I'd have to kill him and everyone else looking in a muscle on my Chicago operation. Pretty good.

You follow? Have them taken care of. We've got to discourage this sort of thing. Nothing fancy. You follow? Give me the books. No, I enjoy that movie a lot. There's no

con movies you like. You don't like any... What do you see as a scheme movie? A like any Like what do you see as a scheme movie A crime movie what do you mean by a scheme movie What about House of Games that's a good con movie The David Mamet movie House of Games That's good Joe Mantegna

David Mamet I like David Mamet a lot How old is that movie 80's House of Cards it's about your career House of Games House of Cards? It's about your career. Yeah. House of Games. No, House of Cards, I'm sorry.

That's with, I think, Sarah Michelle Gellar's in that. I told you that story about what my uncle told me about the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, yeah. Did I ever tell you that? No, I don't know. The last five years of his life, he's an old Italian guy. It's the funniest thing I think a human being has ever said. Some of you might have heard me do it, because I did it in my stand-up, but

it's worth telling Gilbert here on the Big Podcast. The last five years of his life, he would eat mozzarella like an apple, just like you don't eat it. And he watched nothing but 24 hours, seven days a week tv and his favorite show was buffy the vampire's life and uh i got up the balls one day to ask him about i said uncle son what why do you like buffy the vampire's life i go what is that show about and he looked at me dead serious and he said it's a jew broad fights dracula's Jubrod fights Dracula.

Hilarious. I said, you should write the synopsis and TV guide. Jubrod fights Dracula. but I thought of the research he had to watch the end to see her name Sarah Michelle Gellar I figured it's a Jewish name and he said plural Dracula it's plural

it sounds like one of those William Bodine one shot Jew Broad Fights Dracula I laughed that's the only thing I've ever had to quote for my personal life. I didn't have to change for my stand-up. I said it as is and I got to laugh. It was like ready. It was show ready.

But I liked like the seven ups. Remember that? Yeah. You liked all that stuff. How could you not like this thing? To me it's the best script maybe ever written too yeah didn't do it for Ellen I hate absolutely hate any of the

Ocean's Eleven movies I do too the Sinatra ones you can laugh at because they're goofing on everybody you can tell like Sinatra just yelling at the director you can probably see it but yeah the other ones who needs to see those guys get laid in Vegas? But so you've been in all the Problem Child movies.

Is that why you... So are they better than this thing, you think? Yes. Even Problem Child 3, which no one saw. Have you turned down any Problem Child? No. I haven't turned down anything. Are you the only actor

even the Problem Child turned it down? Yeah, they got a different Problem Child. Three. Problem Child 3 was made for television. Didn't have the kid. Didn't have John Ritter. Just you. Didn't have, just me. Weren't you in the animated version too?

Oh, yes. Oh, God, that was horrible. It was one of those cartoons that looked like a flip book has better animation. So what do you get paid for, like, the TV version? Do you give away your salary? Do you talk about money? Oh, yeah. Yes.

You're very tight with money. Yeah, yes. Me? Well, how much, what are you worth? You've saved every dime. Yeah. Have you fully spent your first check from SNL in 1980? fully spent your first check from SNL in 1980?

I haven't fully spent my check from Chuckles in Long Island. I remember that place, Mineola. Oh, yeah. Long gone. Oh, you guys are from Mineola. Jericho Turnpike.

Yeah, that place didn't have too many dirtbags in the audience, man. That place was classic for drunk Met fans. If you were bombing, you just had to say Wally Backman, and you'd get a fuck up. What about some of these, Artie? Charlie Varick, Friends of Eddie Coyle. Some other crime friends from the 70s.

Yeah, Friends of Eddie Coyle. With Robert Mitchum. What else? Robert Mitchum and Peter Boyle. Yeah other crime friends from the 70s. With Robert Mitchum. Robert Mitchum and Peter Boyle. Yeah, and Stephen Keats. That's a TV film. No, it's a feature. I never saw Friends of Eddie Coyle.

Yeah, it takes place in New England. Yeah, it's very good. Point Blank, which we talked about on the show with Lee Marvin. You ever see Prime Cut with Lee Marvin and Gene Hackman? Yes, I've seen that. Not in a long time. That's a great one. My God. I just remember Lee Marvin as a kid. The first thing I remember about Lee Marvin was

some woman was suing him. Oh, Michelle Triolo. Yeah, Michelle Triolo. The palimony. Right. One of the first, like, remember Dan Aykroyd used to do Jane, You Ignorant Slut? Yeah. That was one of the first subjects of the Jane, You Ignorant Sloth. They were talking about Lee Marvin. Jane, You Ignorant Sloth.

He called Michelle Triola a rapacious swamp sow. And dried up slunk meat. But that was like the first big divorce. She took him for a lot of money. First palimony kiss. Big divorce She took him for a lot of money And I heard a story that Roger Ebert Was once sent to interview Lee Marvin at his pool

And Lee Marvin's there In a bathrobe and a bottle of scotch And a cigarette And they have their little dog Bouncing around there And his wife Who had been out of town just is coming

back with her suitcase and she says hello to everybody and then she sees the dog has something in its mouth and she goes oh what's that in your mouth and she takes it and it's a pair of women's underwear and she goes,

these aren't mine. And Lee Marvin looks down at the dog and goes, bad dog. Oh, that's great. See, that's when

guys were so much cooler. They were so much cooler back then. That's like a Sinatra. One of my favorite Sinatra stories, he was golfing with his manager. And his personal appearance agent called him up and gave the manager an offer for Sinatra. They're on the golf course. And it was like $75,000 to go sing for like an hour at some place in Arizona.

And the manager said uh can you want to do this on sunday he goes how much uh and the guy yells back to sinatra seventy five thousand dollars and sinatra says tell him i got that on me that's great so you're saying it's not enough i heard dog. That's great, isn't it? I heard you talking about Frank Sinatra and Angie Dickinson on one of Artie's episodes. Well, I remember. Was that the one with the driver? Yeah.

I once had this woman pick me up at the airport. Right. And we got into a conversation and she claimed to be the love child of Frank Sinatra and Angie Dickinson. Really? Yeah. Okay.

And so, she's driving you, so... Yeah. So, so obviously... Stuff's not going well. She didn't get

any of the policewoman money? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing from strangers in the night. I remember one of the first shorts. What was the movie where Angie Dickinson, she's like about 45, but she's in the shower. Oh, Dressed to Kill. She's washing her pussy.

Yeah, Dressed to Kill. Yeah, De Palma. I remember seeing that. And I've always held a woman up to those standards for washing pussy. She really pays a lot of attention to them. The first U.S. president

was washing pussy. Yeah. An educational joke. What about the election, Gilbert? Do you do any progress? He's very political. Do you do any political

current stuff? How about that Eisenhower? any problems? Yeah, he's very political. Yeah, you do any political? He's very political. Current stuff? Yeah, he's like Mark Russell. How about that Eisenhower? Well, you're doing a lot of stuff about the war. Oh, yes. Vietnam.

Yeah. What about Trump? I heard you taped a special. You liked Donald Trump, don't you, because you were on Celebrity Apprentice. Oh, yes.

Right. Yeah, yeah. And you didn't get the job. No. Dennis Rodman got the job. Yeah, surprisingly. You lost out a job to Dennis Rodman. Yeah, well. That's not rebounding a basketball.

There's one job Dennis Rodman's qualified for. You've never done political comedy, have you? No. In all the years. No. It interferes with the Norman Feld bits. Yes.

It's in the way. Well, it's out of the 18 jokes that he does. Right. But no, you know, would you be scared about Trump getting in? I mean, as a... Are you registered as a Republican or anything? A child molester?

He goes door to door. Those fake teeth ought to be expensive. I'm trying to get arrested before the next election. Let's talk real quick and then we'll take some questions.

Because we talked about old TV with you on the last show. Yeah. And we didn't get – I mean, I know you were into The Odd Couple. I know you were into The Honeymooners. I heard you guys talking about the old Dean Martin roasts. Oh, yeah. My God, they were great. And Foster Brooks. Right.

Don Rickles. Yeah, and Rickles and Ruth Buzzi. Every joke they do – I saw Red Fox get – Red Fox was getting roasted. Every joke they do would get them thrown out of business, out of show business today. Oh, yeah. Every single joke was the most offensive racist joke. And it was on Channel 4 at like 8.30. Right.

That's right. That's right. I mean, really crazy stuff. Like, what did you, did you say you heard a joke that Rickles did or something about Red Fox? That one I had. One bit I remember. Oh, yes. Somebody told me a bit, a joke.

Actually, Ed McMahon. I met Ed McMahon. Right. And I asked him if he had any Benny stories. Ed McMahon. I met Ed McMahon. Right. And I asked him if he had any Benny stories. And he said when he was starting out in the business, he got luckily invited

to a roast. Of Jack Benny? No, Georgie Jessel. And Jack Benny went up. And so he was already thrilled to be looking at Jack Benny. And Jack Benny goes, you know, George has to fly to

Israel tonight you see he's got a cunt in high heels and he goes I don't mean a woman I mean an actual cunt. He wears it for a toupee.

Anybody under 80 years old can beat the traffic. Johnny Carson said this about Red Fox He said it's good to be roasting Red Fox Because his ancestors Came up with the idea of roasting people We have George Schlatter coming on the show The creator of Laugh-In He's coming on in a couple of weeks

and promises to tell some great Red Fox stories. He produced all of them. And all Rickles would do would be like a stereotypical black accent. He wouldn't even tell a joke. He'd be like, hello there. Oh, and remember that TV movie of the Rat Pack? Yeah, with Ray Liotta playing.

Oh, yeah. And Don Cheadle playing Sammy. Don Cheadle. Don Cheadle. Because he's always Pack. Yeah, with Ray Liotta playing. Oh, yeah. And Don Cheadle. Don Cheadle. Don Cheadle. Because he's always funny. Yeah. And they've got parts in there where it's like you see

Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra do like a black joke. And where it's like you see Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra do like a black joke. Right. And now, because it's a current film, they zoom in for a close-up of Don Cheadle with tears in his eyes looking downward. I'm so hurt by this. And I'm thinking Sammy Davis was rich and getting loads of pussy. He didn't mind the black jokes. Of course not.

And it was white pussy, though. Keep the Swedish pussy and the racist jokes coming. I'm fine. No, but there's nothing more politically correct than TV. TV commercials now. The last time, the only time in the last 20 years I saw a white guy rob a house was for a commercial for a burglar system.

Yes, and it's... Oh, God. And it's a black guy protecting the house. It's always a black guy in an $800,000 house. Yes. And a white guy, like, from the 30s, like a Queens Irish guy going, Where do you keep the dough? Yeah, no, those commercials are unbelievable.

Or the beer, the Pepsi commercials during a football game. It's an Asian kid, a white kid, a black kid, a Spanish kid. They're all watching the game together. Oh, yes. Where does that fucking happen? That's like the Google waiting room. Right, yeah. You guys were also

talking about Billy Saluga on the old... Billy Saluga? Yeah, Ray J. Johnson on the old roast on your show. You can call me Ray. First of all, you know the Ray J. that on the old roast on your show. You can call me Ray. First of all, you know the Ray J that Kim Kardashian blew? Our generation has a Ray J too.

He's a white guy that talks like a black guy. You can call me Ray J. You can blow me now. Yeah, the roast. Red Fox stuff. He built a lifetime career of like going out in kind of a zoot suit and a big hat. You guys remember Billy Saluga? Ray J. Johnson?

Well, you could call me Ray or you could call me Jay, but you don't have to call me Johnson. That's the guy. And he built a career. Right. Absolutely. It was like Father Guido. Oh, yes. It was a similar kind of one person.

But he was a great writer, Don Novello. Yeah, Don Novello. Great writer. Wrote a lot of stuff. Ray Jay. Ray Jay. I just realized that's the same name of the guy Kardashian blew. I forgot about that.

We've got to get Billy Saluga on the show. Oh, yes. Do one show with Billy and Tapio Susu. If he's about that. We got to get Billy Saluga on the show. Oh, yes. Do one show with Billy and Papillon Susu. If he's alive, he's got to be in the actor's home. No. How do you know he's alive? You're talking about, oh, he's alive. Like, I'm supposed to know he's alive?

He was 62 in 1978. I just met a Korean girl in a massage parlor and as she was jerking me off, she said, you could call me Ray or you could call me Jay, but you don't have to call me Johnson. Yeah.

There's the promo. That was his act. That's going to bring in a lot of the young kids. I can see the review. The review of the festival. The review of the festival, the arts and leisure section of the New York Times. Gottfried's Ray J impression set the tone for the classiest, smartest festival we've ever seen.

Obviously, you haven't been listening to our, checking out our bookings. The Billy Saluga talk. Yeah. On the Gilbert Gottfried Colossal Podcast. Was hard to follow. Marty, he spent weeks tracking down a woman who was in the movie Ghost of Frankenstein for five minutes. Who did? You did? Yeah.

Janet Ann Gallo. As a child star. As a child actress. Did you find her? We got her. She was the little girl who's playing ball in Viseria and these boys take the ball and

throw it on a rooftop and Lon Chaney Jr. as the monster, shows up. And he carries her up to the roof to find the ball. Wow. And she said on the show that she was a little, you know, she was like five or something. And she used to play hide-and-go-seek with Lon Chaney and Bela Lugosi. You jealous now?

If we were playing a game show called Guess What Part of This Podcast Will Be Edited Out, I'd have to go, it's got to be the Lon Chaney, Bela Lugosi. Anecdote. You're right. We're going to edit that out, Art. All right, let's take some questions from these people.

Anybody, anybody about anything? Gentlemen, right there. You want to know, do I know any Asian women? Okay. Do you want to know what my website is? Good question. Oh, Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast on GilbertGottfried.com. Of course.

Subscribe to it on iTunes and SideshowNetwork.tv. You can sit down. Yeah. What's your question? Oh, Rochester. Yeah. Yeah. What's your question? Oh, Rochester. Yeah. Your wife's going to get a look at the big city, man. I don't know.

She ain't going back to Rochester. Let me just repeat it so the mic picks it up. You want him to do an impression of Gary Delabate when he... You recently called him. Yeah. Thanks for giving a question we need a half-hour setup for. We'll just show a two-hour documentary on the lead-up to your question. Yeah. Yeah, because we

asked, or my wife called him and asked, is Gilbert banned from the show? You haven't been on the show in four years. Yeah, so maybe I was a little suspicious. And he goes, oh, no, no, no, no no Nothing like that We just don't use comedians

On the show We don't put comedians on the show And I'm thinking Oh that's an entertaining show That morning Chelsea Handler was on But then I realized That probably means

They don't consider her a comedian. Because no comedians do. And we were talking about her because she was on that Ancestry.com show. Right. And they found out, like, her father was a Nazi. Right. I would kill baby Father Handler. Nice callback.

Did that answer your question? I would kill baby Chelsea. The gentleman there in the white T-shirt, sir. What's the funniest film each of you have seen, Artie and Gilbert? I want this. Well, having made several of them... The old standards for me are take the money and run. The first Woody Allen movie's got...

It's got four million jokes in it. Of course, then he married his daughter. But, uh... By the way, I saw Sunyi And she said I'm marrying my He said I'm marrying Rudy now

And we gonna He's gonna put me in the Van In my I married the one Asian broad who fucked Bill Cosby. So take the money and run. Take the money and run an animal house. An animal house.

If I had to choose two, I guess. That's good. My favorite comedy would have to be House Guest with Sinbad. House Guest with Sinbad. Anything with Sinbad. Anythingguest with Sinbad. Anything with Sinbad. Anything with Sinbad. That was such a horrible movie. House Party with Belle Biv DeVoe.

What's the one that has all the McDonald's product placement? That's Houseguest. Yeah, Schindler's List was funny. This gentleman right here in the stripes. Yeah, I just wanted to ask you both. The funniest individual celebrity you've met. This gentleman right here in the stripes. Who is the funniest individual celebrity you've both met? Gil, you can go first. The funniest individual celebrity? What do you mean? Funny to laugh at or with?

Like, we think he's funny. You mean comedic, someone who makes them laugh. Okay, go ahead, Gilbert. Who is that? Let's see. Paul Reiser? Yeah. Yak or Smirnoff? I'll never forget.

You don't get your own theater in Branson, Missouri without being funny. Because he said to me, you know, in America, you see that table. In Russia, table sits at you. What a country. I got a modern day Yakov joke

Okay, let's hear it In America Your men afraid of gluten In Russia We afraid of Putin That's very good I don't know Gilbert's mine

You're one of the funniest guys I've ever met Thank you That part's staying in the show I don't know. Well, Gilbert's mine. You've got to be mine. You're one of the funniest guys I've ever met. Yeah. Thank you. That part's staying in the show. Oh, celebrity. He said celebrity. The funniest line of the show was said by an audience member.

This gentleman right here. My question for Artie Lane, I'm considering losing weight. How do I do it? You're considering losing weight How do you do it Art? There's a chick that can help you My trainer, she's a girl Crystal meth Let's do two more Gentlemen standing up there

Artie, I want to ask about your union upbringing Gentlemen standing up there. He wants to ask you about Artie's union upbringing. And, Artie, what does Jersey mean to you? What Jersey means to me? Well, Jersey's the only town where... I'm sorry. Well, no, I'm from a town, Union. Here's the kind of town Union, New Jersey is. Union is the kind of town,

dogs walk around afraid they're going to step in human shit. No, it's... My father gets a bad rap, but he was the greatest father ever, and he gave me so much great advice, like how to steal a snowblower no he was uh you know in 1981 i failed typing and um he was a real visionary you know now everything's based on typing everybody thought in 1981 i told him i failed typing and while he

was unloading the uh sheetrock from his van he said, don't worry, typing is for fags. That's why I've yet to send an email. Let's get two more quick ones. I want to get one from a woman. We don't have too many women that listen to the show. This lady down right in front. You skipped right over politics. I can't remember. Is this where you come for political

humor? You think you're at the Daily Show with Trevor Noah? I like my political humor given to me by an underwear model. What's the question? Well, we've got Trump, we've got all these characters, and you mentioned it already. He doesn't do politics. Well, no, I think Trump is a comedian. Of course I want him to win. First of all, Ben Carson, there's something

wrong with that guy. No one's... He talks like... He looks like he just ate ice cream that was too cold. Or like did a line of pharmaceutical grade cocaine. I think ISIS. It looks like he did a line of coke off of cold ice cream. But Trump, to me, is fascinating

because he says he doesn't drink, but he always sounds drunk. I'll build a wall around Mexico. And when that chick from Fox News challenged him, he just, he said, your pussy's bleeding! But yeah, so I would vote for Trump as a comedian, sure. But again, I'm a felon.

Anybody have a question about the podcast or about somebody? Yeah. This gentleman here. Does anybody have a question about the podcast or about somebody? Yeah. This gentleman here. Well, I don't think Artie necessarily knows the story of Cesar Romero and the Oranges. Cesar Romero and the Oranges? Okay.

Gilbert will tell it. Cesar Romero was the Joker on the Batman TV show. Correct. You died out of dimwits. I didn't want this show to go by without the mention of Cesar Romero. This guy's a plant. Well, this is what a lot of people say to the show, bye. Cesar Romero, and picture him in the Joker makeup.

How else do we picture him? He was gay, even though he was a Latin lover on screen. And he would gather like these boy toys. Allegedly. Allegedly. He's not going to sue Frank Gore. They'd circle him, and he'd pull down his pants and underwear, and these boy toys of his would throw orange wedges at his ass.

That's when you've done everything. Yeah. Some people have argued it was tangerine. We know. Well, those people are assholes. Those people are homophobic assholes. We're sure it was a citrus fruit. That's all we know.

Would you have gay sex to get a part in a movie? Why'd I have gay sex to get out of a couple of your movies? We gotta go, they're doing a live girl show Oh, I don't think we can top that Thank you guys for coming out Thanks for being here Thanks for listening to the show Thank you Artie Lang.

Thank you. Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. Our guest was Artie Lang. Thank you, Artie.

Thank you, Artie. Thank you, Artie.