Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 88. Judy Gold

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

Gilbert and Frank welcome comedian, writer, actress and self-described "TV addict" Judy Gold, who reveals her childhood obsession with Barbra Streisand and Rhoda Morgenstern, laments the demise of classic sitcom theme songs and reconsiders her appearance in "The Aristocrats." Also, Judy idolizes Joan Rivers, eulogizes Sherwood Schwartz, spurns Buddy Hackett and plays Herman Munster's sister. (!) PLUS: Mason Williams! Totie Fields! Judy visits the Brady Bunch house! Gilbert apologizes to Gavin McLeod! And Leni Riefenstahl directs "The Lawrence Welk Show"! Let Selfie Station be the Picture taker, Ice breaker AND your money maker. As a special introductory offer, get $500 off the professional package. Go to http://SelfieStationpodcast.com and enter promo code GILBERT. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Gottfried. That's patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Gilbert Gottfried. As always, thank you Gilbert Gottfried. And this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we're back at Nutmeg Post. That's easy for you to say. Yes.

With our engineer, Frank Furtarosa. We love you, Frank. Frank Furtarosa. We love you, Frank. Our guest this week is a comedian, actress, and two-time Emmy-winning writer. She's appeared on hit series like Louie, The Jim Gaffigan Show, 30 Rock, Two Broke Girls, Sex and the City, and Ugly Betty. As a stand-up comic. She's performed on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and Conan. And her own popular podcast is called Kill Me Now and features interviews with everyone loves Raymond creator Phil Rosenthal and Amy Schumer, among others. Please welcome the only person ever to portray both Herman Munster's sister and Eleanor Roosevelt.

The pride of Clark, New Jersey, our friend Judy Gold. Oh, my God. That is fucking hilarious. I thought you might like that. God, you do your research. Oh, a little bit. Yeah. Somebody has to, Judy.

Yeah. So you were in one of those TV movies, one of those. See, I did. Alright, so there was this children's book, The Ballad of Lucy Whipple. And I auditioned. These are all the calls I get.

So they're looking for a woman who's disguised as a man. So I go in. These are all my auditions they're looking for someone really fat and androgynous I know you're not fat so anyway

they were looking for a woman disguised as a man so I go in and I didn't wear makeup and the director loved me I talk like this I don't even makeup. And the director loved me. I talk like this. I don't even know what I did. But anyway, I was in this – Glenn Close was producing and starring in this movie, The Ballad of Lucy Whipple. I play this – it's in the gold rush.

It's set in the 1890s. I am a woman, but I want to dig and women can dig then. So I'm dressed as a guy. I literally had to smoke a fucking pipe. I thought I was going to puke. And who was in it? Meatloaf was in it. What's his name who died?

Oh shit. Oh him. Italian. Italian. He was on... Vincent Gardinia? No like he was on uh vincent gardinia no he was on fuck what was he on he was on uh murphy brown he was the painter oh uh pastorelli yeah robert pastorelli funny guy um what's your name from Sid and Nancy? Chloe Webb? Yes! She was one of the resident zanies on Thick of the Night.

You are correct. Yes, yes. I loved her. You know, we were shooting in Utah, so we decided we were going to go to the, you know, they have that big library where they have files on everyone who's ever lived. And then you're supposed to go in there and look at the files. And then they convert the dead people. So I'm a Jew, but I could go in and find my name.

There's a place in Utah where they have files on them? Yeah, there's a big library and it has everyone who's ever lived. Do you know about this, Gil? No. So Chloe and I go. I don't have to be a Jew anymore? Is that the way it works? No.

Yeah, exactly. Oh. And they convert you. I'm leaving right now to go over there. They convert Holocaust victims who are now not Jewish anymore, according to them. So that's how they lure you in. They're like, oh, we have files on everyone who you're related to. So Chloe and I go. We're like, let's go go to this thing and we go to like a lecture thing and we

you know like when you're like in school and you can't laugh but you're like gonna pee in your pants that we were literally in with all these mormons and they were taking it really seriously and we were just asking the most ridiculous and i And I swear to God, I almost peed in my pants. Church laughter. So anyway. They will switch you over? Yeah, they believe if you convert, then they can convert all your dead relatives, too. That's bizarre.

Yeah. You know what the most bizarre thing is? Is that it was started in upstate New York. That religion was created in upstate New York. That religion was created in upstate New York. Like what fucking religion was created in upstate New York? Besides like buffalo chicken wings. Well, get back to the Glenn Close movie because we want to know why Meatloaf hates you. You didn't have to put it like that.

So anyway, so, you know, we're there for six weeks and I'm always dressed up like a guy. The way they find out I'm a woman is that I go to bathe and the Lucy Oh God, she's famous too. I can't fucking remember anything. Lucia Ball?

No! The girl who played Lucy. So her and her friend see me bathing. You didn't look it up? No. Which actress? What was she in? We love this game.

She had just been in a movie. Oh, that one. It was. Yeah. This is an actress that was in the Glenn Close movie. Oh, it was 1999. All right. What'll come to you?

Okay. Wait. No, this is killing me. Wait. Who the fuck is? Should I look it up on my phone? I'll have Dara look it up. Julia Roberts. Yeah, Ballad of Lucy Whipple.

Be Ben and Dara. Anyway. Okay, the Ballad of Lucy Whipple. Okay, so I have a scene where I go to bathe in the lake or the stream and they see me. So they see me. You can see my boobs. Now, what is it with Glenn Close and all these androgyny things?

Wasn't she on Broadway playing like a woman who's a man or a man pretending to be a woman? It's Jenna something. Jenna Malone! Jenna Malone, yes. Bruce McGill, Meatloaf, Chloe Webb.

That would have been my guess. Dennis Christopher, Olive Burnett, Judy Gold, Michael Welsh. Yeah. Wilford Brimley. Oh, he came. We were all supposed to be scared of him. Glenn was like, listen, Wilford's coming. And I'm like, doesn't he do that fucking commercial for the...

Yeah. Whatever. Like for brand cereal. Robert Pastorelli. Yeah. So anyway. Terrific. Thank you, Derek. like for brand cereal. Robert Pastorelli, yeah. So anyway, thank you, Derek.

Thank you, research team. But she was on Broadway playing that part like where she's a man who's a woman or a woman who, Yeah,

Victor, was it Victor Victoria? No, no, it was some other weird thing. Yeah, we'll think of it. I'm going through menopause,

I can't find it. All right, anyway, so, okay, so Glenn, we all have apartments in Park City, right? My apartment is pretty nice.

Glenn, of course. Maybe it's because her name is Glenn. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. That's good. That's a great insight. Yes.

Okay. Okay. So, Glenn, of course, has rented this enormous fucking in the mountains, gorgeous fucking mansion, invites us all over. Right. And she has a ping pong table. And I love ping pong because I always played ping pong as a kid. We had a ping pong table in the basement. I played like every, you know.

So Meatloaf says that he was like a college champion in ping pong and i'm like all right i'll play you i try to wrap my mind around this so meatloaf and i are playing ping pong and uh i win the first game and he's not happy and then we're like okay two out of three and i'm like oh two out of three so then we play again i think he beat me and then it was like tie it was very close and then i think i won so the next day and he was so fucking mad so the next day at craft services, you know, they have the big, you know, the truck where you can get breakfast. So I write on the board. They have like a dry whatever.

What do they call it? Dry erase. Vagina board. Yeah. So I write on the dry vagina board. Which is the technical term for it. Yes, I write Judy beat meat and ping pong as one of the items. And I swear to God, he was so mad.

Wow. Yeah, so mad. One of the food selections wrote Judy beat meat and meat, meat, meat, and ping pong. And what was he, was he yelling at you or something? He just, he never talked to me again. He fucking hates me.

Judy Golden Meatloaf played ping pong at Glenn Close's house. I don't understand, like, like people who take themselves so fucking seriously. You know what I mean? Well, his, yeah,

his music always had a sense of humor about it. I'm surprised he took himself so seriously. But I think, I think Gil music always had a sense of humor about it. I'm surprised he took himself so seriously. But I think Gil wanted to ask you also about the Munsters. Oh, that was great. I played Herman's sister. And Herman was played by?

Edward Herman. Edward Herman. Yeah. He was the nicest. Always playing like the rich, nudie guy in movies. And the nicest guy. Gilmore Girls. Right.

There's your Munsters Eleanor Roosevelt connection again, too, because he played FDR. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's Bashart. It's Bashart. And Robert Morris was Grandpa. That's right. Yeah, the great Robert Morris was grandpa. That's right. Great Robert Morris. He also played, he was, I guess, the other actor to play William Randolph Hearst.

Right. Right. And I can't, was it Cats Meow or something? Oh, the one that, yeah, the one that Bogdanovich made. Yeah. Cats Meow. He was so talented. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. Cats Meow. He was so talented. Yeah.

Yeah, I met him once. He was very nice. So nice. So I'm playing a sister because, you know, he's like 6'5", 6'6", and I'm 6'3". So and then they made a – I die. So they made a fake me, like the head and everything. And I swear to God, I would go to work and I'd be like, oh my God, that's what I'm going to look like when I'm dead.

Like, you know, it's you. Was it like a Bride of Frankenstein getup? Yes. Oh, Gilbert would have loved that. Oh my God, yeah. Yes, it was total Bride. Oh, I think I have a picture. Oh, you've got to send us that picture.

So, yeah. And Christine Taylor played the normal one on the Munsters. Ben Stiller's wife. Oh, the Mrs. one on the Munsters. Ben Stiller's wife. Ben Stiller. Yeah. Ben Stiller. She married Ben Stiller, but she has had an amazing career. I love her.

She was Marsha Brady. Marsha Brady. And yeah, that was really, really fun. Say that again. Marsha Brady. Okay. I'll be asking you to say that a few times. Okay.

Marsha Brady. But that was really, really fun. That was really fun. That's so cool. And what was Robert Morse like? I just, I remember, did I even have any scenes? He was just nice. Yeah?

Why? I don't know. I don't think I had any scenes. We love him. We'd love to have him on the show, actually. I mean, he's fucking talented. I loved him a lot. He was, I mean, and how to succeed in business. I mean, he love him. We'd love to have him on the show. I mean, he's fucking talented. He was, I mean, and how to succeed in business.

I mean, he's terrific. He is so like those people who are, you know, musical theater people and then go on like sitcoms or whatever. I mean, you can't believe how fucking talented they are. And then there's like comics who become sitcom stars who, you know, it's like, okay, you're completely fucking lucked out. Yes. And these people have been through conservatory and then, you know. Robin Morris is one of those people. After How to Succeed, it looked like he was going to be the next major star.

And it just never – oh, my God, I remember he was in Guide to the Married Man. Walter Matthau. That's right. I can't cheat on my wife. And we talked about The Loved One. Oh my god, yes. I think he's either doing a bad British accent or they messed with his voice. It's very strange. Yeah. That's the one you thought you liked, and then you saw it again.

Well, because of that cast, and because you want to love Robert Morrison. I love Robert. And what about him on Mad Men? Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's had a second career now. Oh, that was like the perfect role. I know. Because that's like the character from How to Succeed.

Right. He's older. I love him. And I remember, of all places, I was only to the Playboy Mansion once. And Edward Herman was there. And I mentioned some TV thing, TV play he did, like, where a one-act play. And I remember he looked at me and he put his hands in like a prayer type thing and bowed his head. He was like so touched that I remember.

Oh, that's so nice. That's cool. Yeah. That's a cool story. I always remember that. Oh, did you blow him right after that? Yeah. Well, I blew him before that.

Right, of course. In the grotto. And then that was the end. He played Herman Munster. I had to suck his dick. And I let John Chuck fuck me in the ass. Really? That is great.

You never told me that. Yes. And Fred Gwynn's blown. I've blown on several. And after I blew Fred Gwynn, he said, sometimes death is better. He was in a pet cemetery. That's right. Thank God this bit's going to end because he ran out of Herman Munsters.

Sometimes death is better. No, but I think Gilbert is in the new Charlie Sheen sex tape. He might be. Yes. We had Butch Patrick on the show, by the way. You did? Speaking of the Munsters. Really?

Yes, he was terrific. Does he really have a widow's peak? Yes, and he carries that Wolfman doll with him everywhere. He said he had copies of that Wolfman doll made, and he sold them all and immediately went to a drugs. No way. True. I would love to get my hands on one. What does he do now?

What is he doing? He's in all kinds of things. Some real estate, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, I think. Although he was one of those guys that you're very pleasantly pleased. Because I was expecting some mean old drunk. No, he was great and forthcoming. And a total sense of humor about his whole career and his life. And he does the circuit, you know, like a 500 nostalgia show.

He's one of those who makes money on Halloween. Right, right, right. Oh, wow, that's funny. And speaking of Christine Taylor and the Brady Bunch, this was a show that meant very much to you growing up. Oh, wait, wait, you didn't say it. What? Oh, Marsha Brady!

Okay. Marsha Brady! I. Marsha Brady! I just got it. It's like a Jerry thing. Yeah. Okay, I just caught it. Oh, lady! I catch on slow.

Marsha Brady! So you grew up in Clark, New Jersey. We were talking about it before. Yeah. Well, that's part of your story. You lost yourself in television. Well, I couldn't. First of all, my parents were older.

They were 41 and 48. That's strange for your parents to be older. They were older than you. But they were like 20 years older. My parents were 14 and 15. Okay. So anyway. This is going to be one of those episodes.

My grandparents were fetishes. All right. We don't have to talk about Clark, New Jersey. Oh, my God. That was like me and Chloe with the fucking Mormons. It was a little bit. It was like this suburban fucking, you know,

New York was 27 miles away and people would be like, I would never go to the city. And my mother grew up in the city. It was like, you know those people who live five miles out of Manhattan. They're like, I don't go to the city. You wouldn't see me caught dead in the city.

And I was really tall and nerd. I don't know. I just, I loved, I fucking was addicted to sitcoms. I just wanted to go in the TV. I wanted to live with the Bradys. I wanted the Partridge family. Like every single, I was addicted. Who was the pretty blonde character with the Bradys. I wanted the Partridge family. Like, every single... I was addicted.

Who was the pretty blonde character on the Bradys? Florence Henderson? No, what was the character's name? Oh, what's her name? Marsha Brady! Okay. Yeah, I think that's... You're friends with Florence Henderson now.

Oh, my God! I can't even believe I didn't tell... So, in 1995, I won the Cable Ace Award for my HBO special. Guess who gave me the... Oh, what an honor. Wow. Guess who gave me the award? Carol herself.

Maureen McCormick! Oh, the actual. Yes! The actual. And it was my birthday, too. And I was like, oh, my God. That's very cool. Oh, my God.

This is like the greatest night of my life. And what character did she play? Well, she was on the, she played Marsha Brady. Now, I think Florence Henderson caught Krebs from Mayor Lindsay. Yeah. Former New York Mayor John Lindsay. Well, she said she did. She did.

Yes. Now, why would she. She said she did. She said she did. Like, it might not be true, but she wants to impress everyone. Good point. Oh, God. John Lindsay, the star of Rosebud. Oh, my God. That's right.

The Otto Preminger movie. That's right. Here's some trivia for you. Wow. Oh my god, that's right The Otto Preminger movie That's right I have some trivia for you Wow And so she fucked the former mayor of New York Oh, she fucked so many people And she got crabs from him You know, I held some hope

I held out some hope that we could get Florence Henderson to do the show Alright Oh, she'll do the show That won't be happening She is the greatest She came to see, like I did the Judy show, My Life as a Sitcom, where it was about my addiction to sitcoms and how I thought I'd grow up and be on a sitcom. And she came one night, because I would do these talkbacks, you know, and we went out

to dinner and then we became really good friends. And so she would totally do the show. She's very open about everything. Oh, my gosh. She's the greatest. Yeah. Greatest. She was on the Joy Show a bunch of times, the show we did at HLN.

Yeah. I was in a Cheerios commercial with her. With her? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Was she nice? Yeah, very nice.

Gino says she's a fan of yours, you know. Oh, yes. Florence Anderson. Yes. I bet she loves you. Yes. I asked her, I said, did you know Mike was gay? And she said, the first day at the pilot, you have to ask her this when she does the show, that he had to kiss her. I guess he was, they were doing some kiss and he wasn't really into the kiss and she realized why. And the director was like, you know, Mike or whatever, you know, what's his name? Robert Reed. Robert Reed. You know, you really, and she actually went over there and said, lay off.

Interesting. Yeah. Take care. I heard some show where they had an interview with Sherwood Schwartz. Yes. Who produced that. And Gilligan's Island. He did Gilligan's Island. Yes, yes.

And they said, you know, Sherwood Schwartz and Robert Reed hated each other from the beginning. They couldn't stand each other. Well, because, yeah, because Robert Reed wanted to be like a Shakespearean actor or was, you know, very. Well, he wanted to wear tights. And I remember they said when he died, when Robert Reed died of AIDS, they were talking and everyone was saying, oh, he was like losing a family member. We were all devastated and crying. So the reporter said Sherwood Schwartz didn't show up for the funeral. And they said to Sherwood Schwartz.

He was written out. Yeah. But they said to Sherwood, the interviewer said to Sherwood Schwartz, he says, weren't you sad when Robert Reed died? And he goes, of course I was sad. When word gets out that he died of AIDS, that can kill you in syndication. Oh my, he did not. Yes. Where did you read that?

Where did you read that? Do you know why he wrote, he did Gilgan's, you know, all right, that was the first show where they had a... Oh, you know who was supposed to be Mr. Brady? Who? Who was up for it? Gene Hackman. He was? That's right. That I did hear.

He would have been horrible. And it would have destroyed his career. Right. Yeah, I'd heard that. But that was the first blended family on television. That's why he did it. And that's why he did Gilligan. I wrote an article on it.

Yeah, you wrote his obituary. Yeah, for the Times. And he also did Gilligan's Island because he wanted to have a place where people from all different socioeconomic backgrounds have to get along. But no black people on Gilligan's. Oh, that's true. Seven white people from different socioeconomic backgrounds have to get along. But no black people on Gilligan's. Oh, that's true. Seven white people from different socioeconomic backgrounds have to get along. He could only go so far. Well, Room 222 had been on already, so yeah.

Terrific show. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Room 222. Karen Valentine. All right, sorry. Now, they had on...

She knows her stuff. What's her name from Julia? Diane Carroll. Yes, Diane Carroll. She was on some show, and she was talking about, I don't know, you know, all these handsome doctors on TV. And she made this snide remark, like she goes, talking about, I don't know, you know, all these handsome doctors on TV. And she made this snide remark, like she goes, and who is I stuck with Lloyd Nolan?

Oh, wow. She did? I thought, fuck her. Fuck her. You know who I would call? Fuck her. Brady! I question whether Diane Carroll ever said that and whether Sherwood Schwartz ever said that. Diane Carroll said that at the Emmys.

Really? Fuck you, Diane Carroll. Fuck you. We like Lloyd Nolan. What about Bridget Loves Bernie? I love Bridget Loves Bernie. Meredith Baxter Bernie. Meredith Baxter Bernie, who I know, too.

What's his name? And David Bernie. Yes. Remember that? Of course. It was such a big deal because there was a Jew on television!

There's a Jew! Yeah. It was big in our house. Michael Constantine is still around too speaking of Room 222. He was on Room 222. We have to get him.

Oh my God, yes! He's got to be pushing 90. Yeah. He's done a lot of cool stuff. Yeah, he's amazing. So these were the other shows you2. We have to get him. Oh, my God, yes. He's got to be pushing 90. Yeah, he's done a lot of cool stuff. Yeah, he's amazing. So these were the other shows you watched. We'll talk about them. I watched all. You watched The Partridge Family, you just talked about Room 222, All in the Family, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Maude.

Now, you worked with or met or buddy hack it. Oh, buddy hack it. I don't know. I got into the Friars. I was like 89 or 80. Like Ruth Stern got me into the. Do you remember Ruth Stern? Oh, yeah.

How? Like you'd call her up. And you'd call her up and say, you know, because she booked all the country clubs. Well, I called them and I said that I have Judy Gold. And they said, how? So that's how she didn't give you as much money as you deserve. And I said your name and they said, who? So she got me in.

And then I don't know what it was. The Concord, right before it was closing, they did like some big show and Buddy Hackett asked me to open for him. And he comes up to me in the dressing room and he's like, you know, he's fucking five feet tall or four feet, you know, whatever. And he puts his head in my boobs and goes. And then asks me for a tongue kiss. Wow. Yeah. So that was my Buddy Hackett story.

Hey, you give me a tongue kiss. He's like, come on! Come on! Right in my tits. I'll motorboat your tits if you give me a tongue kiss. He asked me for a fucking tongue, like, I'm gonna fucking

tongue kiss Buddy Hackett. And then he loved, what's her name? Zina. The tall woman. Oh, from New Zealand. Lucy Lawless? Yes, he loved her. He loved tall women.

What did that have to do with Buddy Hackett? Lucy Lawless. No, he loved Lucy Lawless. Oh, he had a thing for her. How strange. After I rejected his advances, he was seen with Lucy Lawless. And I heard Lucy Lawless actually fucked him. Yeah.

She tried to go up on her. How many times have I fucking heard that joke? Yeah, I know you have. I've been at roast where you put that. That joke's been said about you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's how he motivated me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What else did you watch, Judy? You watched Carol Burnett. Oh, I watched Carol Burnett, Son motorboats. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What else did you watch, Judy? You watched Carol Burnett. Oh, I watched Carol Burnett, Sonny and Cher. All right, I'm going to admit this. I rarely admit this, but I watched The Lawrence Welk Show. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

We haven't had a guest admit that. That's pure anti-Semitism. I mean, I watched that. And when I see it on reruns. That's like a NaziSemitism. I mean, I watch that. And when I see it on reruns. That's like a Nazi training show. I know. And when I see it on reruns at like in some fucking horrible hotel or motel, I still watch it. I think Lenny Riefenstahl directed it.

I was going to say the guest director of the last one. Really? Triumph of the world. The Globals produced it. Glo? Triumph of the Welk. The Gobles produced it. Gobles. The Gerbils. Whatever the fuck their name is. Gerbils.

George Gerbils. Oh, God. Yeah, I used to watch it. I knew all the people. Wonderful, wonderful. And I'm like, why are we... Like, I realize now he was Polish. He probably fucking hated every Jew.

Oh, absolutely. I know. And it was so queer. They were so queer. Oh, absolutely. I know. And it was so queer. They were so queer. They were like, oh, I can't fucking believe I watched that. Yeah. Yeah, that was total anti-Semitism. There was one black guy who was on.

Better than Gilligan's Island. Yeah. He played, I forgot what he played, but he was like the token black guy. And then two of the cast members married and they would always sing some stupid love song. Ugh. Wonderful, wonderful. Next up.

That was so anti-Semitic. Arthur Godfrey wouldn't watch it. I take it you did not watch the Lawrence Welk show. No. No, it would come on, and it, it was, yeah, it was like a brown shirt. I feel like. It was a bunk rally. You know what it was like?

It was, when that show came on, it was Crystal Knock. They had a song. Crystal Knock, crystal knot. Every morning you greet me. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. A one and a two. And a one and a two. But you know what?

I don't know. It was like when you hate a song but you want to hear it because you hate it so it's like that watching like a bad accident that's like i was fascinated with the movies like that they're so bad you can't turn away from right right that's what that was for me and apparently still is go i don't know where to go uh doing a little research on you too uh and you mentioned toady fields as an influence i love that's something i don't someone i don't know where to go uh doing a little research on you too uh and you mentioned toady fields as an influence i love that's something i don't someone i don't think gilbert and i have discussed on this show yet i loved her i loved her i thought she was so fucking funny and then she had the diabetes and lost her leg and then her her uh niece is a casting director.

And I met the niece who was friends with my neighbor. I mean, it's such, I can't even with the Jewish geography. But my neighbor went to college with her niece. And she was very close to her. But I thought Tony Fields was so fucking funny. Who was her husband she used to reference? Georgie? Yeah. Yeah.

And then I loved her. I loved Joan. I loved Joan. I loved all those women. They were so fucking hilarious. And going back to your one-woman show, I mean, there's a part in the show where you talk about how these women gave you, inspired you. Well, they made

me think, oh, there is something in show business. I mean, I'm never going to be the fucking lead in some, you know. But, you know, it sort of gave me the permission to have a dream. Ah, have a dream! To, you know, actually be able to get on stage and perform, you know. And then you actually do it and then you're too tall or you're too Jewish or you're too loud or you're too, you know.

And then you have to stop listening to that shit at some point. But then you didn't get to know Toadie, but Joan became a friend. Yeah, Joan was. You knew Joan? Oh, yeah. I mean, she was the best. I remember the last time I saw her, it was the Howard Stern party, the last time I was anywhere near howard stern except for the day at the radio city how long ago was even ben i think 1941 oh yeah the japanese had just bombed

pearl harbor and i was talking to howard stern masha! But I was sitting at a table with Joan Rivers and it was like a private show because everyone who walked by, she'd go, oh, that one's a total slut. Oh, him. He's the luckiest man in show business.

Fuck him. You know what? She was so brutally honest and like she was so relevant at the age of 81. Like she was never more relevant and more a part of pop culture and the zeitgeist than when

she was 81 years old. And I remember I think it was at that dinner she started to say she was pissed off at comedians who would complain at comedy is a boys club. And she would always go, oh, you know, fuck them. Just be funny. That's all you got to do is be funny.

Fuck you. I always subscribe to the I'm just doing my work sort of thing. You know, because there was I mean, look, there is sexism in every fucking career and every, you know, there is in every occupation. I was just like, I just want to get on stage and I really don't want to get involved in the, you know, it's because I'm a woman. But I never talked about like my period. Yeah. You know, like the stuff. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Not that there's not funny things about getting your period. Yeah. You know, like the stuff. Yeah. You know what I mean? Not that there's not funny things about getting your period. Frank and I face. Marsha Brady got a period. Frank and I face sexism because they originally wanted two men for this show. No way. Yeah. We fought it.

I can't believe it. We fought it tooth and nail. That is amazing. That is incredible. If you think you don't have the money to start your own business, then I have fantastic news. Now you can own your own business that has proven to be a phenomenal success all around the country with very little upfront investment. We're talking Selfie Station. I love this company. It's terrific. Selfie Station is a portable touchscreen photo booth that people and businesses book for weddings,

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Do you remember the TV movie that she wrote with Stocker Channing? Does anybody remember that? The Girl Most Likely? Oh, my God. Yes. Yes. And Ed Esner. Correct.

Yes. Correct. Where she's getting her revenge on. Yep. Early Joan Rivers. And she wrote a play, right? She wrote a play that was nominated for a Tony. Heidi Abramowitz.

I don't remember. But they couldn't, of course, they couldn't light the lights. It had to be a big to-do. And then she wrote Rabbit Test. Rabbit Test. She directed that. She directed it, too. Yeah.

She did a lot of interesting things. She was brilliant. I just wanted to get it out there. I had it on the card. Yeah, thank you. In the spirit of Joan, I had it on the card. Yeah, thank you. In the spirit of Joan, I have a question. Yes. I heard you, in the spirit of

the politically incorrect Joan Rivers, you recently asked why it's not okay to make fun of Caitlyn Jenner. Right. Which I found interesting. I actually, you know, I host Huluween with Bette Midler at the Waldorf and I dressed up as Caitlyn for, and everyone's like, why are you dressed as Caitlyn?

I'm like, because it's the only fucking costume where I can wear my own clothes. You know? Like, all I needed was a wig. I was like, this is the greatest. Yeah, I was at some event and they're like, what can't you talk about? I'm like, I'm so sick that we can't.

Why can't we talk about Caitlyn Jenner? Because she's trans? It's very interesting. I hate her as a person. I don't like her as a person. Yeah. I don't care if she's trans. I didn't like Bruce as a person.

Right. Why can't I make fun of her? Oh, the trans community and what they've been through. Shut the fuck up. In the news recently, there was some guy who received an award for his late wife. And his wife was like running into the World Trade Center, saving people from the World Trade Center. And he was honored to get the award for his late wife. And then they gave one to caitlin jenner

and he returned yeah good he said i you know i don't want it i thought this meant something and and he goes you know my wife risked her gave her life right she's dead to save people. And he got $500 million to transition to a woman on television. Yes. And get cheekbones and his fucking Adam's apple shaved. And then he goes around saying, or she, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. She goes around saying things like, you know, I really know what it's like to be a woman because it was so hard to pick out this outfit. Yeah, that's exactly what it's like.

I cannot tell you how much time I spend picking out fucking outfits. You know, she lived her life, most of her life, she's 99.9 as an entitled white Republican male. Okay, she had a secret.

And she was hiding. But, sorry. I'm sorry. There's kids in the street. The family's kicked them out. They're laying in the fucking gutters. And this is the... And it's the Kardashian of transgender.

I mean, it's like, you know, she's a Beverly Hills fucking housewife. And why is she called a hero? Right. Why do they refer to her as a hero? Like, Chaz Bono transitions. And no one fucking pays any attention because she's becoming a hero. Right. Why do they refer to her as a hero? Like, Chaz Bono transitions, and no one fucking pays any attention, because she's becoming a guy, and that's like, you know, when you become a woman, it's so much more palatable than when you become...

That's interesting. It's true. And, like, Chaz Bono was out in center and did it, and not nothing. Laverne Cox has been for years. Frank and I are considering becoming guys. Well, you have the height for I thought you were going to say woman and I was going to say you have the height for

Now, are you going to become one guy? Like you're going to combine everything and become a guy. Like Ray Moland and Rosie Greer. See, together, we'd have a normal-sized penis. Speak for yourself. Wait, I have to ask you something.

Will you answer this, Gilbert? Yes. Did Milton Berle have a really big penis? According to some of our guests... Well, Jeffrey Ross says he saw it. Jeffrey Ross saw it and Al Zweibel. They both saw his dick. It's supposed to be enormous. Well, it's not anymore. It's tripled up. And Jeff saw it. And Al's Y-Bell. They both saw his dick. It's supposed to be enormous.

Well, it's not anymore. It's tripled up. Well, it was enormous. But that's enormous soft. Yeah, but I heard he used to walk around with it on a serving tray as a joke. Yeah, he had a giant- That is fucking hilarious. Yeah, well, Bobby Rydell also told us that about Guy Marks. Do you remember? Oh, really? Guy Marks had a giant... That is fucking hilarious. Well, Bobby Rydell also told us that about Guy Marks.

Oh, yes. Oh, really? Guy Marks had a giant... Yeah, that he supposedly was well-endowed and would play the same trick. I heard a story that one time Milton Berle and Tom Jones were going to have a contest as to who had a bigger dick. No way. And they said Milton Berle just unzipped.

He took out a little bit of his dick and Tom Jones immediately went, okay, okay. That's so funny. I hope that's true. Oh, is that him? No, that's Tony Orlando. That's okay.

I've never seen Tony Orlando's cock. No. I heard he has it. It comes up at dawn. It's always hard at dawn. Oh, God. I don't know where to go here, Judy. Where do you want to go?

And also, why do people have to refer to Caitlyn Jenner as beautiful? Right. That's not a beautiful woman. I know. By any stretch. I can't. I don't. And like when it.

So she's a lesbian, obviously, because she's been having sex. But you never change your. When you transition, you never change who you're attracted to. But here's the thing I want to know. She's still attracted to women. Right, so she's a lesbian. I've heard rumors that Caitlyn Jenner still has a dick. Yes, she still has her penis.

So she's a woman with a dick. Right. Well, she, until they, see what I don't get, it's like they have, they've pretty much perfected the. Frank's a woman. Right. So Frank knows that they. That's why, that's why I keep them around. Just call me Herm.

She, they can make a nice vagina out of the dick. You know, it's easier to make a vagina out of the dick than make a dick out of the vagina. So I don't know why she won't, you know. That sounds like a Jewish mother making dinner. We can make a nice vagina out of a dick. We can make a very nice vagina. I just can't forgive her. You get it done and then you go right to the mikveh. I can't forgive her for the Village People movie.

That's the thing I'm not getting past anytime soon. Now, wasn't Steve Guttenberg in that, too? He sure was. Yes. And Nancy Walker directed it. Oh, my God. I love Nancy Walker. Didn't you love her?

I love Nancy Walker. Yeah, she's great. What character? She was like a maid or something in the commercials. Yeah, she was the palm olive. The palm olive. No, no, no, no, no. She was Rosie in the Bounty commercials.

Right, right, right. She was the diner waitress. Yeah. Yeah. And then there was- And I think her line in that commercial is, a penis makes a good vagina. You can make a nice vagina out of a penis. And then they had the theme song.

Oh, God. See? So it's an educational program. Yeah. Well, let's see. We could talk a little bit more about Joan. We could move on past Joan. Oh, here's what I wanted to ask you.

Since you're such a Brady Bunch fanatic, you like the movies too? So I, my friend Henriette Mantel played Alice in the movie. We know Henriette. she's great she's amazing so she was playing alice and she told me i could come all right first of all this is how mental i am my friend judy toll i don't know if you remember her she passed away i remember judy sure melanoma anyway so she lived uh on fair avenue in uh studio. And she showed me the exterior house that was the exterior for the Brady Mansion. On Dillard Street. Yes.

And I used to – I'm not kidding. This is how fucking mental I am. So I'm in my 30s. I was on a series. I was on All-American Girl. And it was right around there. And I would just – some days when I just needed space, I'd just go and park by the exterior of the Brady house. Like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

I used to take people. People would come into town and take them there. And I'd just stare and be like, oh, my God, there's the door. Oh, my God. But. They finally put a fence up around it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because people were stealing their mail and stuff.

Someone took me to the restaurant where Robert Blake went. Oh, yeah. I've been there. I've been there. Where he fucking killed the wife. It's right on, is it on Ventura? No, it's in the valley somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what's funny about this? Because he claims he left his gun there and he had to go. I always leave my gun. He claims he left his gun there. Yeah. And he had to go. I always leave my gun. So after we left there, I had like a shitty pair of sunglasses. Right.

They weren't worth $3. And when I was leaving the restaurant, frantically, the waiter chased me outside and said, oh, you left your sunglasses. Because now they're so aware of it. You left your gun glasses. Oh, my God. That's so. That is funny. And they totally killed her.

Yes. How did they fucking get away with that? I don't know. I think in her case, she was like really sleazy. She was like a con woman. Yeah, she deserved to get killed. And she was. Yeah.

And I think that was basically like the who gives a fuck defense. That's really great. But Henriette, when she was doing the movie. And she's great in it. Yeah, she let me come to the set. That's how I met Christine Taylor. And then

we did a movie together. And what part did Christine Taylor play? She was, because there were three girls and three boys, you know, and she was, Marsha Brady! The movies are funny. Betty Thomas did a great job. Yeah, Betty Thomas is great. They're all great.

And now that commercial. And, you know, what's his name? Gary, what's his name? Yeah. And, oh, I always's his name? Gary, what's his name? Oh, with Buscemi? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And what? Oh, I always forget his name. Gary Cole? No, the Spanish actor who used to be a convict.

Oh, yeah, the guy from Machete. Yeah. Oh, boy, his name's jumping out of my head. Oh, geez. Yeah, I'll think of it. Yeah. Sandy Rosenblatt. That's not him, no.

Yeah. And so... Think of it. Yeah. Sandy Rosenblatt. That's not him, no. Yeah. So. Sandy Rosenblatt? Yes. Yes, that's his Spanish. That's a Spanish name. Is he a Sephardic Jew? Tara, please look up for us.

It's going to bother us. The star of Machete. Can you believe? SR. Wait, what about Mannix? Remember Mannix? Sure, Mike Connors. Yeah, he was so fucking fat, and he's running down the street, right?

No, you mean Cannon. Cannon. Yeah, how the fuck does he get a show? Different guy. Well, that was William... William Conrad. Conrad, yes. I mean, the shit we watched, and I believed guy. Well, that was William... William Conrad. Conrad, yes. I mean, the shit we watched, and I believed it.

Yeah, good stuff. Also, you know who was good in the Brady Bunch? I forget that actor. It's Gary something, who played... Gary Cole. Gary Cole. Yeah. I thought he did a great imitation of Robert Reed.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. He was great. Yes, he was great. Yeah. Remember Sam the Robert Reed. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The whole thing's dead on. Yes, he was great. Yeah. Remember Sam the Butcher? Alan Melvin. Yeah.

From Bilko. Yeah. Remember when they got caught in the freezer? Sure. Yeah. And remember when Greg lost the architectural drawings? I watched one the other day. I watched the one where Bobby with Hal Smith with Otis the Drunk from the Andy Griffith show is the kiddie show host.

And Bobby has to, what is it, the pie eating contest? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what about? And they ate pussy. Really? On the show and the pie eating contest. Except, you know what? Robert Reed did not eat the pussy.

They had a stunt double. They had a very obvious stunt double eating pussy. Wait, remember? Oh, yes. That's the guy you're trying to think of. She promised that she was going to... Marsha! That she was going to have... What's her last name?

Brady! That what's-his-name was going to come to the prom. Girl, look what you've done to me. Oh, yeah, Davy Jones. Yeah, Davy Jones. Yeah, we got it. It's Danny Trejo. Thank you, Dara.

Wow, we could talk Brady Bunch all day. Oh, yeah. You know what I remember, too, with those shows, like, especially during the 70s, they would have all these cop shows like Cannon. Right. Kojak. Longstreet. Kojak. The Blind Guy.

We were talking about James Franciscus before. He played the blind cop. Yes. Oh, yeah. Longstreet. Yeah played the blind top. Yes. Long street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, oh, the part, what was his name? Jack Klugman's.

Quincy. Quincy. Yeah. And then, you know, Chips and Starsky and Hutch. They would always do the thing. Oh, and then T.J. Hooker. They would always do that thing where they would catch the crook shoot him down

or whatever and it would be very dramatic commercial and then a funny ending I know I was just thinking it'd be like dramatic and they'd have dramatic music and then you'd come back and be like hey so well we got rid of that we killed that

asshole sometimes they'd freeze frame after the oh yes where they'd all start dramatic music and then you'd come back and be like, hey, so well, we got rid of that. We killed that asshole. Sometimes they'd freeze frame after the gag. Oh, yes, where they'd all start like someone would make a face or jump in the air and it would freeze. Did you ever see Police Squad? Oh, yes! They parodied that. They would pretend to do a freeze frame.

What about Get Smart? That was the best. We had Barbara Feldman. Yes, we had Barbara Feldman. She used to hang out at Catch Rising Star all the time. Because she went out with one of the... What's his name? With Buddy. Are they still going out, Buddy and Barbara?

I don't understand what's going on between those two. They're still very close friends. Yeah. Well, you know, sometimes the prostate just gets over. I think Buddy's going out with Ed Platt now. If only. And what about the odd couple?

Oh, great. That was the fucking great. And then they try to redo it. It's like, you can't redo that fucking show. Twice. Well, wait a minute. Twice.

Which one are you talking about? The black odd couple. Right. With Ron Ron Glass. You bet. And Javon Wilson. And yeah. And then this other one with Matthew Perry. What the fuck? You cannot. That was

nightmarish. That is iconic. There was also a female odd couple on tour with Rita Moreno and Sally Struthers. Anybody remember that? Oh, yes. That was iconic. There was also a female odd couple on tour with Rita Moreno and Sally Struthers. Anybody remember that? Oh, yes. Yes. That was Sally. I mean, she became.

Cross off another name. Where's my pen? Oh, God. Oh, boy. Oh, God. Fuck. Oh, God. I got nothing Yeah but how many shows

Came from that fucking show Oh Maud The Jeffersons Oh from the All in the Family Yeah Yeah Um

Well Uh Yeah Well there was that There was There was that attempt To do it with the Black family Right

With John Amos Right In 704 Hauser. Wait, but what about Good Times? Good Times! Oh, yeah. Because Good Times comes from Maude. Yeah, comes from Maude.

That was part of the tree. But you know what? Al Marinaro. Al Marinaro? Al Marinaro. What was his name? Molinaro. Molinaro.

Al Molinaro died. They mentioned Happy Days, and no one mentioned him on The Odd Couple. I know. Where he was hysterical on that. Yeah. I loved, and Bob Newhart. I mean, how many, ugh. Well, there was that great Saturday night.

I know. Where you had all the family. It was unbelievable. And now what do they have? They have the Netflix and they have the computers. But the other thing was there was no DVR. So it was like

all those shows we watched facilitated like dialogue between people because everyone watched at the same time. And they used to be like, you know, about four or five stations.

Right. So the next day you could talk to anybody in the world about what was on TV. Well, Laugh-In was a show like that. Oh, yes. The whole world stopped

and everybody just went and ran home to watch Laugh-In. Yeah. I love the Smothers Brothers, too. Oh, yeah. Me, too. And they got fucking canned.

Me, too. What about the theme song to the Smothers Brothers? Oh, I... Written by... What's his name? Fuck. And he was a writer. Oh, you, oh. Written by, what's his name? Fuck. And he was a writer.

Oh, you're stumping me. God damn it. He wrote... Not Classical Gas. Mason Williams. Yeah, Mason Williams. But that wasn't a theme song. No, he wrote Classical Gas and he wrote the theme song, too.

Was that it? And he was a writer. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love Classical Gas. I don't know why it's stuck in my head somewhere. I love Classical Gas, too. And Steve Martin was a writer. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love classical gas. I don't know why it's stuck in my head somewhere. I love classical gas, too. And Steve Martin was a writer.

Yep. And I remember the first time they played classical gas, they made an actual video with it where they showed all these paintings for a quarter of a second, one right after the other. It's an amazing thing to watch. Yeah. A video? Yeah. Oh, I got to look at that. I wonder if he's still around, Mason Williams.

Mason Williams? He'd be a good guest for us. Yeah, he'd be good. Mason Reese would be good. Mason Reese also. Oh, my God. I used to see him on the Upper West Side. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, like in the 90s or 80s. He became like a party planner. Yeah. Professional party planner. He made a pass at Dara. Mason Reese. He tried to fuck her. Mason Reese?

Dara? Ew! You've been holding out on me. Yeah. So she gave him a handjob. Did you fuck him? Just to shut him up. Did you do anything?

Oh, my God. Oh, speaking. Of handjobs. Speaking of which, I ran into Peter Dinklage. There are no segues on this show, Judy. You should know that. You just ran into him? You must have felt so good about yourself.

I felt so big. Oh, God. I don't think he's coming on the show. No. I can put him with Sally Struthers. Let me cross that out. Sally Struthers. Let me write that out.

Oh, I thought of one with Sally Struthers that nobody remembers. There was a short-lived Gloria series. Yes, I do remember that. She went to work in a veterinarian's office. Wait, what was the... And Alice, the waitress. Linda Lavin. Linda Lavin, yeah.

I like that show, too. Yeah. I love Rhoda, though. I mean, for a Jew growing up in New Jersey, Mary Tyler Moore, like, Rhoda was... And Nancy... Wasn't Nancy Walker the one? I think so. Yeah.

And what... I can't remember anything anymore. Chorus Leachman. The actress playing Rhoda. Valerie Harper. Valerie Harper said that in an interview, she says, Jewish women still come up to her and say, please tell me you're Jewish, please. And she goes, I'm not, but Rhoda still is. Oh, I love that. She's Italian.

Yeah. Yeah, she's Italian. But that was like the first Jew-y character. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's a fucking guinea. Well, wasn't that? No, I'm not through.

How is she? How is she? She's a fucking guinea. Oh, my God. And Harold Gould. Harold Gould played her father. Oh, my God. We love Harold Gould. You know, because my father's name was Harold Gould.

Oh, that's great. Yeah, Harold Gould was always terrific. From The Sting and lots of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Ted Knight was fucking amazing. We loved Ted Knight. We interviewed Ed Asner.

Yeah. And even though the two would fight a lot. Right. He had just nothing but amazing things to say about Ted Knight as a performer. Right. He said just how funny. Oh, he was so committed to. What about Gavin McLeod?

Oh, my God. Murray, the miserable. Hey, I'm going to be by myself. I'm going to go home and jerk off. I can't go to the party. I'm getting a catheter tomorrow. I mean, it was just like he was so miserable. Gil was at a show.

Was it in a show? Yes. No way. Sweet guy. I met him. And at the end of the night, Gavin McLeod hugs me, gives me a big hug and goes, I love you even more now. That's nice. I think he's born again. I think he's born again no he isn't

I believe he is I believe he's a religious fellow I know he's born again because after he said I love you even more he goes even though you killed Christ and then he he hit me he hit me with his captain's hat. Which brings me to a segue.

Yes. My last card. Since when? You said, this is interesting, you said the only people who told you not to be so Jew-y when you were starting out in show business were other Jews. Were Jews, yeah. Which I found interesting. That's so funny.

Jackie Mason always says that. Why do you have to be so Jewish? Well, yeah. Jackie Mason. The only Jews. Yeah. He said, like, he got his breaks from, like, people like Steve Allen. Right.

And people like that. The Jews were, he says, you know, because the Jews think if you put a Jew on television, it's going to start another pogrom. And so you can't have a Jew on television. And, yeah. It was every manager, every person, you know, two Jewish, Jewish, Jewish, straighten your hair. Yeah, it was – Didn't you have a manager who told you to dye your hair blonde? Yeah, dye your hair blonde and straight.

Oh, jeez. Yeah. Which I fucking took a headshot with. I look like a newscaster. Yeah, it was all the, it was every Jew, it's only Jews who were like, uh, she's too Jew. It's like, you're a fucking Jew. Why don't you fucking admit you're a Jew? It's interesting.

It is. And I think, I think David Steinberg said, David Steinberg? He said that. His father was a rabbi. Oh, yes. Yes. And he said that. True.

Like, he had some agent telling him, you know, change the name, Steinberg. Right, Steinberg. Because that's too Jewish. And he goes, you know, something like, but your name is Seymour Rosenblatt. Did you ever run into this, Gilbert? Did anyone ever tell you in the business? No, they just told me I had no talent whatsoever. The Jew thought never even.

You never got that? Never. It never went that far. Except for Steinberg telling you not to run so dewy when you were in. I like that they tell me, you know, you are a specific type. That's what they always tell me. Oh, well, here's something I remember I used to get that was idiotic. People, when I'd audition for parts, they'd say, oh, well, you're kind of a Woody Allen type.

And I'm not at all a Woody Allen type, but it means like a Jew. Have you fucked your stepdaughter? Yes. Okay. I knew it. God damn it. And the last thing I want to ask you about is Barbra Streisand. Another hero.

I used to sit in my room. I don't know. I loved her because she was so... Everyone told her, you're too ugly, you're too this, you're too... It's all those people who are like, now you can't do this, that I totally was drawn to. Like Toadie Fields and her and all these old Jewish women who were kind of making it as themselves. Right. Doing their own thing.

And now look at me. Now I've turned into an old Jewish woman. Marsha Brady! But I loved Barbara. I think every Jewish girl wanted to be Barbara Streisand. But now it's like, I can't with the, you know, it's like, shut up. She's become a little self-serious. That when I grew up, when I was watching TV like the Andy Griffith show and all these things that I thought, well, this lets me see what Gentiles are like.

But it was all created and written by Jews. It was everything. Of course. Every Christmas song is written by a Jew. Right. Oh, yeah. You know what I really miss? Honestly?

The theme songs. Like, no shows have, like, welcome back. Oh, yeah. Dream through your, whatever. Tick it out. John Sebastian. You know, like, everyone. Mary Tyler.

Mary Tyler Moore's, like, that's my ringtone. Who can turn the world on with her? That's a great one. I mean, there were so many great fucking songs. Good times, and then we're moving on up. But they don't do that anymore. Yeah. I read today that the multiple camera show with a laugh track is dying out.

There's only five of them left on the air. Oh, no. Those died a while. Yeah. You know, the last- They're moving away from them. The last old-style sitcom I saw that lasted about a week, and that was the one with Whitney Cumming.

Right. Right. There was Mulaney, the one with Martin Short on it. Oh, okay. But they're getting away from it. I mean, it's becoming a thing of the past. And the single camera show, like you did, Louis, the single camera show is...

And the theme song's another thing. Do you think it'll ever come back? No. I don't know. They've been asking for years, is Variety going to come back? Bill Murray's doing a good old-fashioned Christmas special this year.

That's encouraging. Well, don't you think The Voice and an American Idol, that's a variety show? I suppose. But it's like competition. Now we couldn't do a variety show unless it was real snarky. Right. And we're laughing at the whole concept of the variety show. Or it's daytime.

Yes. You know, it's like, because I know, what's his name, just did a pilot that got picked up. Oh, Harry Connick. Harry Connick Jr. Yeah, I heard about that. You know, and it's going to be, like the Merv Griffin. But more of a talk show. Yeah.

The Merv Griffin and the Mike Douglas. I mean, I love that shit. You can still do a talk show, but that variety show, that Sonny and Cher thing. I know you were into Sonny and Cher, and I was researching it today and remembering the old vamp sketches

where she would climb on the piano. Oh, yes. She and Terry Garr were the girls in the laundromat. And you just don't see that. It really is kind of an old school comedy. And you know what? I don't understand. Why have they not had Carol Burnett

on Saturday Night Live? Like, if you're gonna put on saturday night live it should be i mean they put betty white on but she fucking originated i wonder if they asked her i wonder i wonder yeah i kind of think they'd had no they put donald trump he's a fucking he is so talented i would imagine that carol burnett would yeah would come up as an idea don Don't you think? For that, yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, I've always thought that.

Well, I'm out of cards. You want to go out on one of these theme songs? Mario was here and he sang the Gidget theme for us. What do you want me to sing? What do we want to sing, Gil? Oh, but you know what's interesting also with theme songs? Tell me. They're sort of the, so you don't have to

do the scene explaining everyone yes yes yeah it was always like you know all the here's the story yeah it was and it would always like explain like stuff like saying oh like all the miller boyette right theme songs were like you know a lot of bad things happened to us along the way, but we love each other, so everything's going to be great. You got a show there. Wait, what about Green Acres is the place to be. Yes, right. Farm living is the life for me. Go ahead, Joe.

It's spread land, spreading out so far and wide. Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside. New York is where I'd rather stay. Yeah, that one I... Jump in. Also a Jew created for you. Was that Paul Henning Jewish? What?

Paul Henning was Jewish? The guy behind Green Acres? They all changed their names after the war. You know, Sherwood Schwartz, speaking of theme songs, your friend, Sherwood, wrote, I remember reading

an interview with him and he said that's where the money was. He wrote the Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch theme. And, watch his name, the creator of Star Trek,

Roddenberry, Roddenberry, wrote words to the Star Trek theme even though he knew it would never be played anywhere but he gets paid every time

they play the Star Trek theme I wrote some of the lyrics to the Rosie O'Donnell show and I lived off that for years it was so great now they don't play it anymore. Yes. That went, Rosie O'Donnell, bad things happen to her.

Only the Miller Boy Ed version. Yes. But then she has her friends, so everything turns out good. There are actually words to the Dick Van Dyke theme that Maury Amsterdam wrote. Oh, wow. When Dick Van Dyke was that Maury Amsterdam wrote. Oh, wow. When Dick Van Dyke was on the Bayhars show, we got it out of him. He sang it. I think it's on YouTube.

Really? I think you can find him singing the lyrics. Fuck, I wish we could have had Maury Amsterdam on the show. Yeah, me too. He would have been great. Me too. Well, unfortunately. Yeah.

Why don't we do the Gilligan's Island theme? Oh. Gilbert has to sing on every show. He does? Okay. No, I can sing Captain Nice. Okay. Do you remember Captain Nice?

No. With William Daniels. With William Daniels from St. Elsewhere? No. Yeah, and he played Dustin Hoffman's father in The Graduate. I think it's before my time. He has a 60s. Look, it's a man who flies around like an eagle.

Look, it's the man who hates all that's illegal. Who is this man with arms built just like hammers? It's just some man who flies around in pajamas. That's no nut, son. That's Captain Nice. Created by Buck Henry. Really? Yeah, speaking of Get Smart.

And they had two shows on opposite each other. Yeah, yeah. Captain Ice and Mr. Terrific. That was the one with John MacGyver. Right. Yeah. Oh. MacGyver.

Oh, Mr. Terrific, sir. Yes, a bank. A bank is being held up, sir. Yes. He sings on every show. Yes. I love it. And I do John MacGyver on every show. I love it. And I do John MacGyver on every show. MacGyver!

Marsha Brady! I got nothing. Joe Buck, you have a strong back. You're going to need it, Joe Buck. He'll go for hours. Oh, I know what I want to ask you before you go, Judy. You're in the aristocrats. Yes!

With this man. Yes, I was about, I was nine nine months pregnant i gave birth like a week later and i remember that night i went home and i go to my ex sharon i go i just said the most disgusting thing ever and they filmed it right you know i'm telling her this whole and mine was really bad it was about you know fucking and the jizz and it was about a pregnant woman and getting fucked and the jizz goes in the baby whatever and and the anyway and so Sharon's like you are a mother you're a mother and you said that and And your kids are going to grow up? How dare you? And I called up Paul. And I said.

Paul Provenza. Yeah, I said, you got to cut me out. He's like, what are you talking about? You were so funny. I go, no, you don't understand. I'm a mother. And he was like, Judy, you're out of your fucking mind. And he kept it in.

But I was like, I can't believe she let me fucking feel guilty that I, you know. That's the whole point of this. I think you need to write a theme song for the aristocrats that Gilbert needs to sing. You know they fuck each other in the ass. And they're all related if they stick together. Things will turn out okay. Okay. I'm Miller Roy at production.

Oh, God. Hilarious. Well, what do you have to plug? My ass. My ass. I have... Please listen to my podcast.

Oh, it's a funny podcast. Yeah, Kill Me Now. JudyGold.com slash Kill Me Now. I'm at Twitter at J-E-W-D-Y-G-O-L-D. Get it? Judy. I have a lot of other gigs, but I can't fucking remember what they are. That's fine.

And lastly, Judy. Yes. What was your favorite character in the Brady Bunch? Oh, my God. I mean, there were so many, but I think, honestly, the one who I really loved. And, you know, like, she was just so perfect and pretty, and it was, what's her name? Marsha Brady! Thank you, Judy.

I'm out of cards. I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. And my co-host is a fucking guinea. And your guest is a janky Jew. Also known as Frank Santopadre and Frank Verderosa and Nutmeg Studios. Thank you, Frank. And we've been talking to Judy Gold.

Wow. And, oh. And we need to apologize to Sally Struthers. Who else? Please come on the show. Peter Dinklage and Valerie Harper. Who else? And Mason Reese. Mason Reese.

Mason Williams. Oh, Gavin McLeod. Gavin McLeod. Yeah. Meatloaf. Meatloaf. Yeah. All right. Funny show. Meatloaf. Meatloaf. Yeah. All right.

Funny show. It was fun. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Judy. I'm exhausted. Me too. How's Sally Struthers?

And a heartfelt apology to Caitlin Jenner.