Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 90. Dick Van Dyke

Episode Date: February 15, 2016

In one of their favorite episodes to date, Gilbert and Frank are joined by legendary actor, comedian and dancer Dick Van Dyke, who looks back on his illustrious 70-year career, recalls his friendships with Stan Laurel and Buster Keaton and shares his memories (both good and bad) of making the classic family films "Mary Poppins" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." Also, Dick idolizes Ray Bolger, costars with Mickey Rooney, gets a surprise visit from Cary Grant and earns a compliment from Fred Astaire. PLUS: Ed Wynn! Paul Lynde! "My Mother the Car"! The genius of Carl Reiner! Gilbert and Dick duet! And Dick's secrets to longevity! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Gilbert Gottfried. As always, thank you Gilbert Gottfried. This is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. And I'm not here, but connected by Skype with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. We're thrilled when we're lucky enough to book a guest who was on our original want list. This is true, and this week's guest was at the top of that list. He's a celebrated actor, comedian, writer, singer, dancer, and a bona fide showbiz legend who has appeared in popular films such as Bye Bye Birdie, Cold Turkey, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Night at the Museum, and of course, Mary Poppins.

For five seasons, he starred in one of the most admired and influential television shows in history, The Dick Van Dyke Show, and then years later, Diagnosis Murder. He's the recipient of five Emmys, a Tony Award, a Grammy, and a Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award. He's also a member of the Television Hall of Fame and has been recognized as a Disney

legend. I'm so excited to be with here. I may pee on myself. Please welcome Dick Van Dyke. I'm very impressed. What a resume that is. Now,

I had some stuff prepared to ask you, but then we got into a conversation and you were friends with the actor and comedian Orson Bean. Yes. Now, please, please. Oh, you want to hear about that?

Sorry. For us. Orson and I go back to the 50s when both of us were hanging around New York, kind of out of work. And we would go to the Modern Museum and down the basement they ran old silent films. Yes. And we'd go to Central Park. Well, we'd go to the Central Park Zoo every day. There was a chimp in there who had to weigh

150 pounds. A big old gray chimp who laid on a kind of a bunk up there, smoked a big black cigar, and masturbated. Constantly. I mean, he would do it. If he had an audience, he would do it.

I kind of envied him. He must have passed on that gym. But Orson remembers it. We go every day. So you... Isn't it great? You would go every day with Orson Bean? Yeah, just to watch that gym.

To watch a monkey masturbate. I can't imagine anything I'd rather watch. Every day it brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't stand it. I worked with a chimp in a movie who was about the same size. A very talented guy, Dinky. So I know my chimps. That was the Robin Crusoe movie, Dick.

That's right. Dinky was his name. He weighed about 130 pounds, 10 years old, and could remember like 10 things in a row. In a scene, he would remember everything. He could play cards, and if he went up and forgot his lines, he'd start going, whoo, and pee. Pee his pants. Very dedicated actor for everyone.

So basically, he had more talent than me. Yeah. Now, you told a story in your book, Keep Moving. Yeah. You told a story in your book, Keep Moving, that years ago, I guess you were doing chitty-chitty bang-bang, maybe, and you hurt yourself. Well, I pulled a muscle in the leg, yeah. And then you went to a doctor, and he gave you this horrible... That's right. He looked at my x-rays. He said, do you know that you're riddled with arthritis from head to foot?

I didn't know it. I was 40. What was I? 42 or 43. So apparently I had been all those years, but I didn't know it. And that's what got me moving. And I'm still riddled with arthritis. It doesn't bother me that much.

The thing is, I keep moving and keep stretching. And it's a night. And I heard you said in the doctor's office, because you were hit with this shocking, horrible news. He said, you know, in five to seven years, you'll be at least on a walker, if not on a wheelchair. Five to seven years. And you said you got up and danced in his office? Yeah. That was 50 years ago, and I'm still dancing.

Oh, wow. So it doesn't have to take you down. Yeah, because, I mean, all over the Internet, there is, like, this footage of you, like, dancing in clothing stores. My wife grabbed me. Oh, yeah. I'm in Sears and Roebuck, Ralph's Market,

wherever they're playing music. And it looks like it's special effects, the way you're dancing. Now, how did you start out in show business? I was doing what they call karaoke now. We were a record act. They were all over Los Angeles. 1947, my buddy and I drove out here in his old Chevy, had a box of 78 records, and we played clubs all over town.

Was this the Merry Mutes? Yeah. Yeah. What a name. Yeah. Yeah, we had quite a following around town. It was a very popular thing. Jerry Lewis started.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Jerry did it. Pantomime. It was a very popular thing. Jerry Lewis started. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Jerry did it. Pantomime. Yeah, and that's how I got in show business. It was going to be a lot. We were going to go home and do something serious. But one thing led to another. I never got out of the business, thank God.

And then you got further into show business after you were in the Army. Yeah, a kind of cowardice. Yeah. I was in pilot training and the war was almost over so they just cancelled the pilot training program and they called us all in and said, some of you

will be overseas as tail gunners on B-25s. The rest of you will be assigned according to your abilities. And I went right in. I started singing and dancing. And I got in a special services-da. I started singing and dancing. I swear to God. And I got in a special services group.

Saved my life. Go ahead, Gil. Oh, no. You never were ever at formal training. No, at nothing. Yeah. No, I tell kids today, I was in my 30s before I got a job singing and dancing. And my God, I loved it. If I had had any sense, then I would have said, well, I better, you know, study dancing a little and take some vocal.

I didn't do anything. I just did it for the fun of it. And I never worked on it. That's not a good way to do it although i watching you sing and dance like an untrained singer and dancer it's kind of like like jimmy duranty jimmy duranty by no means is a great singer but you love listening to him that's right yeah and you're like one of those people like you know maybe there are better dancers and singers but when you watch you you know it's it's a guy having a great time it looks that's that's the secret if i'm having fun it's fairly entertaining if i'm not i stink if i don't like what i'm doing if i don't think it's

funny i can't make it funny if it's not funny yeah Yeah. To me. But yeah, your dancing was always like contagious. You know, it just looks like fun. I was a Ray Bulger. I was a Ray Bulger fan. I always wanted to be that guy, that scarecrow. Oh, yeah. As a matter of fact, my

very young wife once said, what would you have liked? I said, I would have liked to be that scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.z she said did you try out for it i was 12 years old is that why you call yourself a fake dancer dick because you never had any formal training that's right i'm a total fake i'm but i'm a good one i'm a very good fake singer fake actor you've done okay so are you equipped to do anything in the business that's right yeah with my heart in my mouth i've done you know when you go for a job they say can you do it you say of course i can do it that's what i did and got away with it

and you were telling me i mean this is how how old are you now? I just turned 90 last month. Oh, geez. I appeared in the stage version of Mary Poppins when it came out here as the old banker. And this time, I didn't need any makeup. I don't feel 90. It's funny. I think it's all in your head. 13, emotionally, probably. But I just don't feel 90. It's funny. I think it's all in your head. 13 emotionally probably, but I just don't feel it.

Yeah. I mean, when you came out, I mean, first, and I think another secret to you having so much energy is you have this attractive, much younger wife. Yeah. As a matter of fact, she booked this podcast. this attractive, much younger wife. Yeah. Yeah. As a matter of fact, she booked this podcast. She's the one behind everything. Yes, thank you, Arlene.

Your whole attitude and everything about you is young. Well, all my friends my age are dead, so I have young friends. Incidentally, you have also a beautiful wife. I just saw her on there. He does. Gorgeous. gorgeous see you're you're out you're a dog i have a good eye since we're talking about dick's birthday we should also point out that you just you just turned 90 and there's some wonderful video online of you singing

there's a flash mob at the grove in laA. Tell us what happened. I went out on my birthday. Disney had me out at Disneyland. Yeah. And I had a parade. We got to sing for them. And my wife, again, put it all together. But it was the cherry on. I'll have to retire.

I can't top it. It was the cherry on. It was the best day of my life. Just, God, what a good time. And you were saying you have uh a son who's 65 turns it's going to be 66 in may yeah and at the moment he is in the chile chilean andes on a bicycle riding a 1500 miles through the through the andes mountains so this like runs in the family. I guess I wouldn't do that at any age. Now, what I want to know

is when you have a son who's 65, do you still look upon it as your little boy? Oh, sure. Yeah, to me they never grew up. I said, you can't be 65 because I'm 65. And the other ones,

I have two daughters, all of them into their middle age 65. And the other ones, I have two daughters. All of them into their middle age now. And I've got great grandkids, which I... Oh, jeez. Yeah, a lot of them. That'll be you one day soon, Gil. I want to ask Dick about that painting behind him of Buster Keaton. Is that a painting I'm looking at?

Yeah, there's a Buster Keaton and a Stan Laurel. And Stan Laurel. A friend of mine painted that. I had a little polaroid of Stan sitting backstage in Birmingham, England. He and Ollie went on a tour there. And a friend of mine took it

and made that great painting. You know, I have the bow tie that Stan left me. I was going to get the derby, and the derby disappeared after the funeral. We haven't seen it since. Somebody's got it. Now, tell us the story about how you got in touch with Stan Laurel. I was looking up a phone number one day, and I just came across it said Stan Laurel.

And I thought, it can't be. And I called him up, and it said Stan Laurel. And I thought, it can't be. And I called him up, and it was Stan Laurel. And he had seen our show. And I went to visit him that Sunday. And went over there a lot. And you know, a lot of comedians made that pilgrimage to his house. Danny Kaye, Jerry Lewis. All of us went and talked to Stan.

Wonderful guy. And I think you said to him that you admitted you stole a lot from him. I said that on the phone. I said, you know, I stole a lot of your acting. He said, yes, I know. Imitations of the sincerest form. He was a great guy. Did he ever give you any kind of advice as far as comedy and performing?

No, he didn't. I asked him a million questions. At one point on the old Dick Van Dyke show, we did a Laurel and Hardy sketch, and I asked him to come down, and you'll be technical advisor. And he had a slight stroke, which nobody noticed, but he wouldn't come down. So after the show was on the air, I called him and said, what did you think? He gave me like 45 minutes of notes. Oh, gee.

I said, now you tell me. He had cufflinks that were paper clips. He had taken the heels off his shoes to give him that stance and that walk. And a whole lot of things that he could have told me before the show. stands and that walk and a whole lot of things that he could have told me before the show and and how did he you know you always hear about these teams like abin and costello martin and lewis who sounded like they hated each other how did he and ollie get along call of a hearty absolutely great he thought ollie was the funniest man he'd ever seen. They got along great. Stan did all the writing, all the directing, and Ollie liked to play golf,

and he liked to be out by four. So whenever Stan wanted to do that slow burn of the camera, you know, the... He waited until then and told him, you can't play golf for a while. And then they did all the closest, but it was really pissed off. Yeah.

That's like real method acting. Yes, it is. Yeah. He got a lot of them. You know, he still had a little portable typewriter. He sat and wrote sketches for he and Ollie every day. He had boxes full of sketches he wrote for SNL.

SNO, rather. But nobody ever found them would i love to have those oh my god yeah you're the third guest we've had dick that looked stan laurel up in the phone book tom lee that right tom leopold is a comedy writer that we had on the show and your friend chuck mccann i think looked stand up in the phone book chuck mccann does the best stan laurel impression of anybody yeah oh. Oh, Ollie, you mean. And he also does Ollie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And I think you're, I don't know, guess maybe five or

six who knew Buster Keaton. That's right. Yes. I got to meet Buster. He lived out in Thousand Oaks in a little like a quarter of an acre. He was very shy. Very shy. I went one Sunday afternoon sitting with his wife, Eleanor,

and he kept walking around outside looking in the windows. And I said, you know, is he coming in? He said, he'll be here. Finally, he comes in, he's got his hat on and a ukulele. And he said, oh, Mr. Don't, don't, care of the line of moon, won't you shine a light on? He sang a song for me. And we were in the kitchen.

I, of course, had a million questions. I said, do you remember when you put your foot up on a table? Then you put the other foot on the table and hung there for a moment before you fell. And he did it for me in the kitchen. He must have been 65 years old. He did that for me. And it's interesting like his way of communicating with you

was by performing. Yeah. He didn't have a lot to say. Out in the back of his yard he had a little picnic table and along the fence a railroad track. You had to sit at the table he would make the hot dogs, put them in a little toy train and

toot toot and deliver the hot dogs. That's great. That was Buster Keaton. He had a handmade pool cue with his name on it, which he gave me. I have that memento from him. I wanted the hat, but he was buried with it. But he was. I heard you interviewed about Buster, Dick.

You said he broke every bone in his body at various points. Is that true? Exactly. In the, what was the train grade? The general. Yeah, he broke his neck and kept working that day. He said at one time or another he broke every bone in his body. Amazing. I heard that his parents when he was little, they built a harness.

That's right. With a handle on it and just threw him around the stage. Now, I mean, they'd be in jail. Oh, yeah. And I heard that Houdini saw them and said to the father, he said, you should call that kid Buster. Is it Houdini gave him the name? Yeah. Yeah, that's the story.

We never heard from Houdini, did we? He gave him the name. My God. Now, was Buster angry toward the end of his life? He didn't seem to be. He had had a real drinking problem for a while. No, he was. I don't think he was angry.

I think Stan didn't show it. But, you know, his name, the name Laurel and Hardy was taken away. They had nothing. They own nothing. Not their movies, not the rights to them, or the name. The clown, Larry Harmon, somehow for $500 bought

the name Laurel and Hardy. He couldn't even use it. So he had no residuals, no part of anything. You know, when they closed down the Hal Roach Studios, they let me loose in the prop department and in the picture department. I couldn't find any props, but

I came out of there with hundreds of great pictures of Laurel and Hardy. As long as we're talking about Buster, I just wanted to ask Dick about the comic, the film that you and Carl Reiner made together. Oh, the comic, yeah. You saw it? Very few people saw it. Yeah, I think me and Frank are the only two people who saw it.

I don't even know if you saw it. It's not on DVD, and it's hard to find. It is very hard to find. It was based on, you know, loosely on several of those guys. On Harold Lloyd and other guys? Like Buster did in his old age. It was still appearing on television. But he was a turd.

He was an ass. You know, he was still appearing on television. But he was a turd. He was an ass. You know, he was not a nice guy. Yeah, you're shown as like this angry guy cheating on his wife and everything. At the end, he's walking through Sardis as an old man and saying, hi, and they're saying, your fly's open, your fly's open. It's just a joke we put into the last minute which a lot of

that movie was and mickey rooney was in that great did mickey rooney play ben turpin yes ben turpin the cockeyed yes yeah right right yeah because i remember mickey rooney going you know the minute they stop laughing at this that's when the world started killing each other. His sinuses ran constantly from that eye, bothered him so badly. And I kept saying, he's funnier than I am because he's short. I'm too tall to be funny, which was Carl Reiner's line. But it's true. All those guys were short.

And I remember that there was one part of the movie, and this really struck me, where you do a pratfall. And it's supposed to be that now you're older. And you do the pratfall, and everyone goes, ooh. And then they get worried. Well, then we do a 180, yeah. Yes. Yeah. worried.

Well, then we do a 180. Yes. I worked with Mickey again, you know, on the night of the museum. Oh, my God, yes. Yeah, right. Sure. I would urge our listeners to try to find that film. I mean, it's on VHS, but it's, you know, it's not

available on DVD, the comic, and it's a shame. I was proud of it because I thought it was really authentic about those times. We shot a lot of black and white footage, which was never used. Just went out in the car and I chased fire engines. Now, you are not the original choice, oddly enough, for the Dick Van Dyke show No, well, Carl Reiner was the original And Sheldon Leonard said, the script is good, just get a better actor

The story is that Johnny Carson was up for it, but I don't think he was ever even considered His name came up, but i got in there fast yeah cole reiner wrote it about himself right he's a he's a comedy writer and he's got a wife and kids and but they that didn't work did you ever see that pilot no i've seen it he plays an overly nervous kind of angst-ridden guy. Yeah. It isn't right. No, it's interesting to see Morty Gunty in the Buddy Sorrell part, though.

Morty Gunty. You would have been great in that. In that role, yeah. Oh, thank you. In Maury's role, wouldn't they? Yeah. Absolutely. Wow, thank you.

Yeah. Absolutely. Which brings us to Maury Amsterdam. Tell us about Maury Amsterdam. He was one of the sweetest guys in the world. And he and Rosemary, I learned timing from. Both of them had razor sharp timing. Rosie was so good.

Maury wrote words to our song. Oh, yes. Can you please sing that? I'd be happy to. Okay. Let her rip, Dick. Can you please sing that? I'd be happy to. Okay. Let her rip, Dick. They were never published. But we sing them our quartet.

So it goes, So you think that you've got trouble? Well, trouble's a bubble. So tell old Mr. Trouble to get lost. Why not hold your head up high and stop crying? Start trying. And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed. When you find the joy of living is loving and giving.

You'll be there when the winning dice are tossed. A smile is just a frown that's turned upside down. So smile and that frown will defrost. And don't forget to sink your fingers. And I fall over the... I don't do that part, though. Wow. He wrote that.

Nice work. So did he make was this one of those deals where he made money every time it got played or they didn't have it? I think he wrote about Mexico. Drama and Coca-Cola go down on Kumana. Both

mother and daughter. He wrote that. It was a big hit. Wow. And Yucca Puck. Is that an Andrew Storrs song? Yes. Yucca Puck. He would sing in between his jokes. That's right. Can you sing some of Yucca Puck?

He was probably the richest man in America. Nobody knew it. He owned a parking garage on 57th Street in New York. Constantly on the phone with his broker. But what a nice man. Yeah, because, I mean, he would tell, like, dumb jokes, funny dumb jokes, like the kind

of Henny Youngman. Well, he had a Rolodex in his head of jokes. He started out warming up the audience, but unfortunately, if he saw somebody of a minority group, those jokes would go through.

And sometimes it's just Chinese jokes. He was also a real artist on the cello. He really could play beautifully. He never did. Because I remember on the cello, he'd start singing yuck-a-puck. Right. Were there other words to yuck-a-puck? Yuck-a-puck?

I don't think so. I think that was it. Hey, Dick, when Sheldon Leonard had to tell Carl that he was wrong for the pilot that he'd written for himself, was it Sheldon that had seen you in Bye Bye Birdie and knew that you were the guy, or was it Carl? Both of them, I think, came. I didn't even know they were there. Carl had seen me in Bye Bye Birdie. And I got a week off and came out and did the pilot.

I had had a script of my own I was peddling, kind of a Jacques Tati thing about a guy on a scooter in Europe. A lot of physical comedy. And Carl sent me about eight scripts, and I just threw mine out the window writing. You know, he wrote the first series, all 39 shows himself. Wow. Before he ever called in anybody tell us about call reiner he's a genius well my favorite human in the world he he sat down he wrote 39 episodes for the and we used to do that many every year you know it's now it's 20 and then he called in uh

billy persky and sam denoff. And they got some other. And Gary Marshall, wonderful writer. And Jerry Belson. And Jerry, yeah. Yeah, Marshall and Belson. My God. It was a great team of writers. And you've remained friends with Carl Reiner for all these years.

Oh, yeah. I go by and see him every once in a while. He's still writing. He just sits at that typewriter and turns out books. Still, he and Mel Brooks, of course, are still very close. And both of them, you know, are up in years, but as sharp as ever. And because I was reading your book, Keep Moving.

Get that plug in there. You've got to get the plug in. And i i actually there was one part where you talk about like your long life and all the historical events oh yeah that happened and you rate them like a teacher like one gets an a another gets an f and there there was one part I was reading it on a plane, and I laughed out loud. You said, 1925, Mein Kampf, written by Adolf Hitler, is published. Haven't read it. Don't plan to. That was the year I was born, 1925.

The Empire State Building started in 20—I'm as old as the Empire State Building. Oh, wow. It looks a little better than I do. So you still... I loved your joke. You said that Hitler's son was arrested for child molestation. Oh, yes. Yeah, I said that...

I read somewhere that Hitler had a grandson who was a convicted child molester. Imagine being the embarrassment to the Hitler family. Hitler family. Isn't that great? Imagine being the Hitler who the other Hitlers don't talk about. Yes. That's funny. What a great concept.

I got to tell you when when when I heard that uh Dick Van Dyke wanted to do my show my first thought was oh no he's senile yeah he's he's totally lost it I told you earlier the line that I remembered that he did from years ago. So do you think back in the 1400s, people walked around saying, boy, this is a long time ago. Stephen Wright couldn't think of that. This to me is something I can't believe. So you actually are familiar. You've seen me on TV and stuff.

Oh, yeah. I've never seen on TV and stuff. Oh, yeah. I've never seen you live, though, in a club. No. Do you still work clubs at all? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll be working when I'm out here. But that amazes me. Why?

I love comedy. You're one of the experts. Oh, jeez. I like to watch. Who's our friend? Brody Stevens. Brody Stevens. Brody Stevens. His act is about dying on stage.

Work with me, people. Positive energy. Very funny guy. Has Tim's got a treat for you? Well, actually, a treat in a treat. Get ready for Tim's Dream Cookies. Now in three delicious flavors. Double Stuff Oreo, Caramel, and Reese's Minis.

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To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. The Scorebet app here with trusted stats and real-time sports news. Tennessee sounds perfect. you don't have any knees or the score bet trusted sports content seamless sports betting download today 19 plus ontario only if you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you please go to connexontario.ca and oh you told another funny story you said when you carl and mel brooks have been friends for. And one time during one of your visits to Sid Caesar, you and Mel were walking out. Oh, yeah, it was always all of his friends. Sid, you know, couldn't really communicate.

He was in a wheelchair. But we'd go and I'll keep him company. So I think my wife and I were the only Gentiles there. And we were leaving. Mel said, you seem to like the company of Jews. Everybody would have to tell a joke, and I would be doing them, and I would tell Gentile jokes.

The only guy. Now, and you were saying your brother Jerry Jerry, who, now he did a show that was one of those strangest shows. My mother had the car. Yes. Could you tell us the premise of that show, please? I don't know what the premise was. It was, he had an old Model A or something. And somehow his mother communicated with him

from the grave through that car. Voiced by Ann Southern. Yeah, his mother died and was like somehow came back as a car. As a car. Which sounds like the worst idea in the history of television. He keeps telling people

that he was offered Gilligan's Island and this one, and that I told him to take that one. It's not true. But he blames me for that show. How's he doing, Dick? How's Jerry doing? Not too well.

He was in an auto accident down in Arkansas. I think he's hospitalized right now. I haven't heard. I don't know how well he is, but he's doing okay. Very funny man. Oh, I was telling Gilbert he has a funny bone. He's funny inside. He can't help it.

He doesn't need material. He's just funny. Loved him on the Van Dyke Show as the sleepwalker. Yeah. Now, in real life. Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, he was a real sleepwalker

when he was a kid. He'd leave the house and wander around town. Almost got thrown out of the army. But he finally got over it. But anything you mentioned to Carl that happened in your life, he would make a script up.

Awful other shows were based on true stories. And I heard one time you had to stop him. He was going to leave the house naked, sleepwalking. He had my dad's golf clubs on his shoulder. I said, where are you going? He said, I'm going to play golf.

But he got to the place that he knew he was sleepwalking, and he could tell you. He was clear across town in his pajamas, knocked on somebody's door, and just said, I'm sleepwalking and he could tell you he was clear across town one in his pajamas knocked on somebody's door and just said i'm sleepwalking could you call my parents to come and get me isn't that odd that's how you can split your brain like that very strange yeah we will return to gilbert godfrey's amazing colossal podcast after this gotta ask you about the Van Dyke Show as long as we're talking about it. Now, Sheldon had seen you in Bye Bye Birdie. Carl had seen you in Bye Bye Birdie.

They give you the lead part, and then the search is on to find your wife, to find the Laura character. And they auditioned a lot of actresses, didn't they? That's right. Including Ivy Brennan. Carl keeps saying when she read she had a a ping he's a ping in her voice which she did have and that was he grabbed her by the skull and took her into into shelter and said i found her i was a little worried because she was

12 years younger than i and she had a kind of at that time uh Catherine Hepburn kind of a mid-Atlantic accent but boy in about three shows she picked it up and was off to the races well all the more impressive because she'd never done comedy before really never had done comedy and you you trained yourself to do pratfalls well I watched Buster Keaton through my entire childhood. Well, all these guys, Buster Keaton, Stan Laurel, Charlie Chaplin. Not a good faller. You know who

didn't know how to fall was Chevy Chase. He hurt himself a lot. I mean, Chevy never tucked and rolled or anything. He would just throw himself in the ground and be paying for it. You saw, I mean, you knew there were certain things you had to do. Right.

To do a practice. Yeah. I would practice in the backyard. That's why Carl let me do all the physical stuff I wanted. He would just say five minutes here would be. Now, didn't you call Saturday Night Live? I think someone said you called to warn them to tell someone that Chevy... Oh, about Chevy?

Yes. I don't think I ever called, but I did try to get in touch with him. He did. He hurt himself. He's got a bad back to this day. When he does his general, he would fall off ladders. He'd fall down stairs and roll down. Speaking of that, Tim Conway.

Oh, yes. He did a pantomime of a man falling upstairs, up the stairs in slow motion. I'm looking for a clip of it. It's one of the most phenomenal things in mime I've ever seen. Maybe Bill Persky has it. He might. He fell. We'll try to find it.

We'll try to find it for you. And speaking of that, that gets us to, for a while, you were working with Carol Burnett. Yes. And I guess you were in this uncomfortable position there because everybody was going like, where's Harvey Korman? Of course. I mean, nobody can replace Harvey Korman, and I wasn't supposed to replace him,

but the show wasn't the same without him. I didn't belong in that thing, but Harvey could do a million characters. You know, I'm like Jimmy Stewart. I do me. But Carol and I worked together in the 50s in New York on a show called Mike Stokey's Patamime

Quiz, where we did play charades, teams. And we had Howie Morris, me, Carol, and somebody else. We never were beaten. We had all kinds of secret little signals. 200 bucks a week. We had all kinds of secret little signals. 200 bucks a week.

It was paying the groceries back then. Wow. Now, also, you were on a show. I remember it vaguely, but I remember watching it thinking, oh, this is a show I think I'd enjoy watching every week. And that was Van Dyken Company. Oh, yeah. Bob Einstein. Yeah.

I think the time for variety shows was kind of over. We ran for 12 shows and won an Emmy. And introduced the world to Andy Kaufman. That's right. We brought Andy Kaufman on. Right.

We'd wait until we were in the middle of a production number or something big and Andy would walk on and interrupt us and take over the show. A lot of people did not understand Andy. The writers looked at him and just walked out. This isn't funny.

A few people started on that show. i forget some of the names but i think there were a couple of comics i don't know yeah who else and you oh you told a story where you were gonna meet the queen of england yes yes and so it's like a long line of people. Oh, yeah. I was the last one in line. Sean Connery was next to me and a line of people. And you're told, you know, don't speak unless she says something to you.

Bow. And as they were coming to me behind this plush rope over there, Jerry Lewis is standing. And just as she's finishing with Sean and turning to me, he says, hey, Dick! And I said, what? I turned, what? And I turned back and there's the queen. I've always intended to get him. Hilarious.

I've got to nail him for that. I just want to ask you a couple other questions about the Van Dyke show, Dick, before we move past it. And I don't think people know, I don't think too many people know that the show was actually canceled early in the run. The first year, yeah. Yeah. And was it Sheldon and Danny Thomas who went directly to Procter & Gamble?

It was Sheldon, yeah. Yeah. And we re-ran in the summer when we didn't have much competition. We picked up an audience during the summer. Oh, my God. It was one of those, I had just bought a house, moved my family to California. Now what am I going to do? And in second, then the show caught fire.

Oh, boy, it sure did. And I heard, well, I mean, it was very famous. Sensors were extra powerful back then. Yeah. You know, everything was dirty. I know. And I'm now, now Mary used to wear those, I think they were called capri. Capri pants.

You bet. Which was like porn back then. You bet. Every guy remembers her in those capri pants. You bet. Which was like porn back then. You bet. Every guy remembers her in those capri pants. Well, you know, she had to let them out a little. The network said they were just a little too tight. Oh, wow. I'm not kidding.

And I heard they came up with a term that there was under cupping. Yeah, too much under cupping that's exactly can you believe that today well we were in twin beds because we were not allowed to be in the same bed in those days yeah that all of those um tv shows you'd have a married couple who had kids sleeping in twin beds yeah yeah but they never slept in the same bed the first one was bob newhart got he got to sleep in the same bed i call them up how did you do that With Suzanne Plachette. I have a feeling, before Bob Newhart, I think the Munsters, like Herman and Lily slept in the same bed. Yeah, you're right, Bill. Well, they're Munsters.

Yeah. It doesn't count. You know, we were not allowed to say the word pregnant. Yeah. We did a whole show about her pregnancy, and the word pregnant was not allowed on the air. And I also heard there was a big traumatic incident. Carl Reiner's son, Rob Reiner. I was just going to ask you about that, Gil.

He'd become meathead and a very gifted director. He once grabbed Mary's ass. Yes, he did. He was about 15. He and Albert Brooks and I think... Who was the third guy? Yeah, he actually couldn't help himself. Mary wasn't up.

She didn't take umbrage. But you know what? We got a lot of shows about race that we ran up against the network on. Yes. And Carl would insist. We used to put red herrings, really objectionable material in, that we would

fight the network tooth and nail. And they, well were all right. We take it out. But we just planted it. So we have something to con for them to concentrate on. Yeah. With the one who we should have babies. Yeah.

Bill, our friend Bill Persky and Sam Denoff's episode. Exactly. That's that's that's my boy. Oh, just getting back to getting back to Mary's ass. I knew he was going back. I heard eventually Mary complained to Carl about his son Rob grabbing her ass. And Carl was trying to reprimand them, but started cracking up laughing. I didn't know that she did.

She actually complained about it. I guess so. I never touched her personally. Did you want to? Of course. Everybody in the country. Now, was there ever anything between you, not physically, but like an attraction? As I say in the book, we are.

We had a crush on each other. Yeah, we really did. It was like high school crush. Well, and Carl wanted you to appear like a couple that had a sex life, didn't he? Well, most of the audience thought we were married in real life, which was a real tribute. Everybody thought we were really married. So we became like an improv group. She could read my mind and I could read hers.

We knew what we were doing. It's just that when that timing fell in, I've never had so much fun. I'd be doing it today if it had met me. I've actually heard you say when you talk about Gilbert and I talk a lot about the new Dick Van Dyke show, the one that you did in Arizona with Hope Lang. And I've heard you say that you think that maybe one of the problems with that show is that people perceived you to be cheating on Laura. Oh, yeah. A lady hit me with her purse in a market. You left that sweet Laura and gave me a smack.

That was really stupid. There was about five or six episodes that I did alone, just by myself, that I'd like to have. They were kind of classic mimes, you know. I did about five of them. I canceled that show myself. And you did a TV movie where you played an alcoholic yeah which was a very powerful performance well i had done about 20 years worth of research and the director was so good he didn't he said you know what the story is you just do it

and that movie has been shown in rehab centers. Somebody keeps telling me they come out of rehab. They show that movie because it doesn't end well. Yeah. And it kind of scares people. It's kind of, I kind of like that because I was scared they'd have to push in a happy ending. Yeah. We had the council on alcoholism in Washington wanted us to do a happy ending. And it wouldn't have worked.

No. It had to have that ending. So you were an alcoholic for like 25 years. Oh, yeah. But I drank at home, so nobody knew it. Yeah. But you never drank when you were working? No, no, never.

No, in the evening. It started because I was shy, you know, and I found if I had a drink or two, I relaxed and became sociable. But it got out of hand without my really realizing it. So how did it affect your life and career? Did it have any... Actually, no, I don't think it really did.

As far as my life is concerned, what happens with an alcoholic, you go from being a happy drunk to kind of a depressed, argumentative. And everything was an argument to me. And I realized I was going through a personality change caused by the alcohol. And that's what really scared me and got me off it. So that whole happy feeling went away. Yeah. It begins to depress you.

And you need more and more to get the feeling you want. You know, that click or whatever they call it. So that's my story. So was there one day where you said i mean it was a combination of bad things probably yeah and then i uh i went to rehab and all that kind of thing aa for me it didn't work it worked for a lot of people for me it just kind of went away i drank one one day and i tasted. I was a little dizzy and nothing happened. And it just faded away from me.

I was so lucky. And most people have to go through a lot. Yeah. And you've been sober ever since. Oh, God, yeah. And quitting smoking. Yeah. Tell us about that.

I mean, I've had heroin addicts tell me that it's nothing like quitting smoking. It's the worst. Did you ever smoke? No. Oh, good. It is so hard. I tried everything. I went to Schick where the treatment was aversion therapy.

They put you in a phone booth-sized room with a big wash bucket full of sand. Smoke an entire pack of cigarettes as fast as you can. So you get dizzy and you salivate. I smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. I walked out and said, boy, what an ordeal. And I lit a cigarette. Oh, my God. They gave me my money back.

It's tough. It's really hard. Now, do you chew gum? I chew gum. Yeah. Nicorette gum, yeah. I'm addicted to it, but it doesn't affect my lungs. So you went on to a gum addiction.

My wife will tell you I leave a trail. You can tell where I've been with rappers everywhere. Dick, can we ask you about some of the movies? Not the bad ones, I hope. Well, no. I want to ask you about the Bye Bye Birdie movie. And I want to know if you had mixed feelings about making that movie? Yeah, I did.

You know, the show on Broadway was a two-hour romp. It was just a joy. They rewrote some of the songs and changed the story so much. I couldn't understand why. They kind of Hollywoodized it. You know, it was a great break for, I just went blank. Ann-Margaret. Ann-Margaret, yeah.

Right, right. Her part on broadway was rather small so that threw it a little out but made a star out of it i wanted to ask dick if that paul lynn story in your first book i read your i read your first book my lucky life which is wonderful what was the story the story about paul lynn and gilbert knows this story that paul lynn got up and said i'm the only one in the i'm the only one on the movie that that does gill can you finish it oh he so paul lynn jumped up and said to ann margaret i'm the only one here who doesn't want to fuck you oh that was a night it was my first hollywood I'm sorry I brought it up It did happen And now This was what was so weird

About that time period That the world Watched Paul Lynn And you accepted him as a married man With kids That's right That's the only time he ever played one But I've seen that show done Of course a million times because all my friend's kids are doing it and I have to go see it.

He's the only one that ever carried off that part correctly. It was written for him. I don't know what, what is it? Until I was through it. What do you go through in your teens? I can't think of the word. Puberty? Yeah.

I don't know what puberty was until I went through it. What do you go through in your teens? I can't think of the word. Puberty? Yeah. I don't know what puberty was until I went through it. He was the funniest drunk I know, too. Oh, yeah. I heard he, as far as drinking, went. Oh, you know, he finally, we became friends later in life. He stopped drinking and smoking and was so happy he was clean and had a massive heart attack and passed away

before he was 60 I think. He was so proud of himself. He all got so clean. One of the funniest guys in the world. I guess he should have stayed drinking and smoking. Shock to his body. And when you made the movie What a Way to Go, did that

indirectly lead to Mary Poppins? Because I understand you were giving a magazine, you were giving an interview about the film What a Way to Go, and that it kind of turned in a direction away from what you had planned it to, the direction you wanted it to go in, and you

wound up giving an interview about family films that Walt Disney saw? That's right. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that was the movie. Yeah, I said something about the dearth of good family entertainment, and that's why Walt called me. I thought it was because I was such a good singer and dancer. Now, are you allowed in England after Mary Poppins?

They only talk about your Cockney accent. Did you see the tweet? Which? Judy Dench and Jeremy Irons, a bunch of really prestigious actors, were asked who did the worst British accent in the history of movies? And I won hands down. Sorry, Dick. That's what I said.

Well, it goes in and out. Yeah, it's an honor to be number one. Sometimes it's there and sometimes it disappears. I know. I was working with an entire cast of British actors. Not one person ever said, you know, you ought to work on that. Nobody ever said, not Jewelry? Now they tell me.

I was so busy singing and dancing. But the one person I remember actually sticking up for you in an interview was Anthony Hopkins. About my accent? Yeah, he said he didn't care at all about the accent. He just thought you were great in a part. I've always said, see, everybody thought it was Cockney. It was from a little shire up in the north of England that had been settled by people from Ohio.

Now, can I ask you to do some of the Cockney accent? I don't remember any of the... Yeah. I tried to write them back and say, I'm in front of you, I talk. I tried to do that. Some of those lines you couldn't say, like I was supposed to say the Lord Mayor.

How do you say that in Cockney? Lord Mayor? I couldn't do it. I tried everything. Some things just don't fit. You got to have that glottal stop, you know. As a matter of fact, I was offered the part of Fagin in the movie Oliver Twist. And I couldn't handle the Cockney accent.

And I didn't do it. That's good trivia. Ron Moody was pretty good. But I didn't do it. That's good trivia. Ron Moody was pretty good. But he can't dance. Right, that's right. And we're going to make a musical. The choreographer had already gone to London and designed all the dance steps for me. But the director just said, nope.

And the guy who helped you with your cockney accent was an irishman yes pat o'malley he came over to my house one evening after dinner and we ran through it and that was it that was my was that the famous character actor jay pat o'malley jay pat o'malley oh he had a big career. Oh, yes, yes. But he wasn't a cockney. He was in everything. And I bought all the records, you know, and they're no good. The T-shirt.

Oh, yeah. Terrible. And so I guess this was an Irishman's revenge against the English. I'll never understand why somebody didn't say something to me during that show. And you, I heard, you, every morning, every, you wake up singing. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really good for you. Yeah. And you don't, I don't sing very well, but I don't care. You know, I like to sing. I've got a quartet, the three young guys, and it's the joy of my life, harmonizing. I sing in stores, in the bank. If it's got a good tile floor, I tap dance.

Good for you. Usually my wife has got her phone out, and, you know, I'm out on the web all the time. Hey, can we sing together? Oh yeah. Because I have some of your lyrics written down. Lyrics? Yeah. Okay. Well okay. What are we singing? Let me Podcasting history is about to be made. Okay okay. No pressure Dick. This is... Here, we're both putting on our glasses. This is like we're in a home. Okay. Put on a happy face.

Oh, you're ready? Yes. You pick your cape. I'll go with you. He doesn't have a cape. You talk about an untrained singer. Gray skies are going to clear up. Put on a happy face.

Brush off the clouds and cheer up. Put on a happy face. Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy. It's not your style. You look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile. Pick out a pleasant outlook. Stick out that noble chin. Wipe off that full-up doubt look. Slap on a happy grin.

And spread sunshine all over the place. sunshine all over the place. Just put on a happy face. Great skies are gonna clear up. Have you got another quote? Just put on a happy face.

Brush off the clouds and cheer up. Put on a happy face. Oh, and if you're feeling cross and bickery. Don't sit and whine. Think of banana splits and licorice. And you'll feel fine.

I know a girl so gloomy. She'd never laugh or sing. She wouldn't listen to me. Now she's a mean old thing. So spread sunshine all over the place. Just put on a happy face. Almost got harmony there. I don't know who was worse.

That is pop history. Wow. Dick, I think you found something worse than your Cockney accent. What? I think you just heard something worse than your Cockney. See, my singing is hated in all countries. We're going to get a lot of mail on that. That probably never works again.

Talk a little bit real quick about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and sort of another compromised experience for you. Compromising? No, I mean a compromised experience. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Yeah, well, they offered it to me. I had turned mean, a compromised experience. Chitty, chitty, bang, bang. Yeah.

Well, they offered it to me. I had turned it down a few times simply because it didn't have Walt Disney, you know, who is the genius behind all those great movies. But they got the Sherman Brothers who wrote the score, Mark and Daisy Bro,

who did the choreography. So we finally ended up doing it. And it turned out so much better than I thought. We had a great time doing it. I think Mary Poppins took three months to shoot. This took like two years. Whatever. Because the sun doesn't shine in England.

So some of the scenes where we're driving the Chitty Bang Bang is in France. And they're vineyards. Obviously not England. So some of the scenes where we're driving to Chitty Bang Bang is in France. And they're vineyards. Obviously not England. We're driving around France pretending we're in England. I've told this story the first day on the set of Chitty. I'm sitting in makeup. And I see the director of motion to the makeup guy. And I hear him say, what are we going to do about the hooter?

And the makeup guy says, I hear him say, what are we going to do about the hooter? And the makeup guy says, I'm not a plastic surgeon. I went to work with a lot of confidence that day. So I still got it. Hooter was a nose. Your nose is your hooter.

Yeah, I'm proud of my nose. I take one breath and that's it for the day. I mean... I mean, I think of hooters another way, but that's it for the day. I mean... I mean, I think of Hooters another way, but that's... I guess you would, wouldn't you? Yeah.

And I'll let you do the dirty joke about your name. Oh, people are still telling me that joke. And it came out in the Playboy joke magazine in the 60s. Yeah. It's been around that long. But people still like it. Okay. Tell the joke.

I don't know the joke. I just know the punchline. That they say Dick Van Dyke is another way of saying penis van lesbian. That's right. Yeah. I've heard Mary Tyler Moore tell that joke. Mary told it? She told it on the Letterman Show.

Why, that little brat. Years ago. As a matter of fact, they found several good jokes over time on that joke page. I forget what the other one was. I can't remember. Dick and Dyke, you know, you're wide open. Dick and Dyke are wide open. You know, Gil, I'd love to ask Dick about some of the other classic comedians that he worked with,

the people whose names have come up on our show, like Ed Wynn. Oh, yeah, Ed. But he was very, very quiet. He rarely talked. I don't think he was that well. He was probably not my age. But he had a little portable radio, which he always had with him. Never heard him listen to it.

One day I was looking at him. He opened up and like a little bottle of rye in there that he carried with him. Now, can you do an Edwin imitation? No. He was a... I love to laugh. He had that. That was his delivery always. I remember him on the

Texaco Theater on television and he was very big in vaudeville. And then I worked with Burt Lahr. Yeah, I was just going to ask you about Burt Lahr. Girls Against the Boys, right? What? Girls Against the Boys. The Girls Against the Boys.

Two big weeks on Broadway and out. But I worked with Nancy Walker, who had a great. But Burt was a worrier. You know, I thought, I'm meeting the Cowardly Lion. But when he'd done a punchline, everybody on the stage had to freeze. Everybody had to freeze while he did this. The punchline was always out to the audience. I mean, he was funny.

Now, you must have worked with Edwin's son, Kenan Wynn. Never. No? I think I met him once, yeah. Yeah, he was a pretty good actor, Kenan Wynn. Never. No. I think I met him once, yeah. Yeah, he was a pretty good actor, Kenan. Oh, very good. I did not know Kenan. Yeah, good second banana.

What about Red Fox? You made a TV movie with the legendary Red Fox. Don't ask. Okay. There's nothing you can tell on the air. How about you got to meet two more heroes, both Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire. Oh, yeah. My great story is that one morning when we were doing the Van Dyke show, I was driving on the freeway,

and Bob, the guy, the disc jockey, was interviewing Fred Astaire. And he said, what do you think about today's crop of dancers and he complimented the young man who had been in West Side Story

and he said I like the way Dick Van Dyke moves I almost drove off of the freeway wow and I got to the studio and I said

did you did you hear what I said nobody and to this day I've never run into anybody that heard it but it happened.

Bob Crane, that's right. Oh, who was later Hogan's heroes. Talk about a strange idea for a TV show. Yeah. When I first got out here, when I had $16, I would go to Santa Anita and bet $2 on a horse. Astaire loved horses. I would follow him up to hear who he was going to bet on. But during that time, I learned to walk.

I was walking behind him. I got that fall down, which I had all the time. Did you know any of, and this is going totally off track. Did you know any of the old horror stars? No. No. Never met one. Boris Karloff, I would love to admit. Yeah.

Elsa Lanchester was in Mary Poppins. Oh. Oh, she was. That's right. Oh, that's right. Elsa Lanchester. The Bride of Frankenstein. I forgot that. You're right. I did work with one. Nice call. Hey, that's right. Elsa Lange. Mrs. Frankenstein. I forgot that. You're right. I did work with Lange. Nice call.

Hey, can I torture you some more and sing a little bit of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? Is this your singing debut? Yes. No, Dick, he sings on every episode. I've sadly sung on other shows. He does. Okay. Oh, you can see without the...

Oh, here. I'm looking like I never sung the words before. It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. If you say it loud enough, you always sound precocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Then you gotta go, um-di-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Because I was afraid to speak when I was just a lad. My father gave me nose a tweak and told me I was bad. But then one day I learned a word that saved me aching nose.

The biggest word I ever heard. And this is how it goes. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. If you say it loud enough, you always sound precocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Umdalily, umdalily, umdalily, umdalily. Actually, you have to go up a half, too. Umdalily, umdalily, umdalily. It goes up the little. Actually, you have to go up a half, too. I'm the little, I'm the little, it goes up a little.

But never mind. He traveled all around the world and everywhere he went. He'd say this special word. He'd use his word and would say, there's a clever gent. When Dukes and Rogers pass the time of day with me, I'd say me special word, and then they'd ask me out to tea. That was good cockney, wasn't it? Yeah, do the rest. Not bad at all.

I can't. Yeah. Where are we? Yeah, here. You know, the... Even though the sound of it is something atrocious, if you say it loud enough, you always sound precocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Oh, you can't say it. But when the cat got your tongue, there's no need for the smile. Just sum it up this word, and then you got a lot to say. That's the best I can do. That's better than I did in the movie, though. Maybe I can go in and dub the whole I can do. That's better than I did in the movie, though. Maybe I can go in and dub the whole movie, do you think? Well.

Yeah, I think, well, no. I think we got an album here. What? Yes. We got an album here. We definitely do. 78. I'd we've got an album here. What? Yes. We've got an album here. We definitely do. 78. I'd sing every day if you came to my house. You'd be with me. Dick, quickly, tell us about Cary Grant coming to visit you backstage.

Oh, my God. I wore my own clothes. They let me wear my own suits in Birdie. And I heard that Cary Grant was in the audience. After the show, knock on the door, Cary Grant walks in and brushes me aside and goes over and starts going through my suits. Is that cute? And I had a Best Dressed Award after six something.

And he signed it, well, Cary Grant. And I value that. You know, he asked me to do a movie with him and i didn't do it oh my god to this day i don't know what's the matter with me it was one of those what was the movie you know those universal romantic comedies they did with rock hudson and everybody i didn't do it to this i should have just so I could say that I had worked with Cary Grant. I also found it interesting that you turned down the Gregory Peck part in The Omen. I did. Because there was so much violence. People being impaled on things.

And I said, geez. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Gilbert, can you imagine? They couldn't get me, so they got Gregory. Not bad. And I also turned down the Western.

Cat Baloo. Oh, wow. They wanted me to do Cat Baloo. Oh, wow. And they turned it down. They got Lee Marvin. Hey, that ain't bad. got a Lee Marvin. Hey, that ain't bad. I like you in a film that is kind of maligned, Dick,

which is Stanley Kramer's film, The Runner Stumbles. Oh, we went through a real thing on that. I was just, I was telling Kevin Spade, he sent me this script and I said, are you crazy? I mean, it's so far over my head. I mean, it always deep, pretty heavy drama. A priest in love with a nun based on a true story. And I kept saying, I can't. I can't do it. Would he talk me into it? And then he wouldn't help me. I'm working with such good actors and actresses, and I'm dying. I just, I stunk to high heaven, like I expected I would.

But now I think I could do it today, probably. I've got a little more experience under my belt, and I wouldn't be so frightened. It didn't turn out well. I think you're hard on yourself. I don't think it's a bad film at all. Well, I think it's a pretty good film if somebody else should have played me. There was an article in New Yorker magazine. It said the most wooden performance they had ever seen

oh and it was yeah i had to agree with them i am gonna ask you to sing one more thing i'll maybe i'll let you do this yourself because i heard this is like your favorite song to sing every day. Oh, what a glorious. What is the name of this? Jolly Holiday. Jolly Holiday. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Can you sing some of that for us? Yeah. That's my morning song. End of the glorious day. Bright as a morning in May. I feel like I could fly. Have you ever seen the grass so green? I'm getting hoarse.

Or a bluer sky. Oh, it's a jolly holiday with me. And that's where we do the dance. We do it with our quartet. I'm sorry they're not here. Eric's here with three basses and a tenor. So we switch around parts all the time. And that's where we're singing my hits.

I love that song. The Vantastics is the name of your group, right Dick? We sang for the Lakers a couple of times, the national anthem. And every time the guy would say, here they are, the Vantastics. It's the Vantastics. Are we out of questions?

We could be. I want to say one thing, Dick, in your book, in your new book, which again we should plug, Keep Moving. And what's the full title? Keep Moving. Tips and Truths About Aging. Tips and Truths About Aging aging they never will use my titles i wanted to call how to act when you're circling the drain and i like that yeah is that a better title

they called me and i said it'll be a very short book keep moving that's what it's about but I sat down and started to write with with Todd at my school writer and a lot of stuff came out I was surprised once I got on a roll I found I had a lot to say but in particular there's a passage in the book where you're talking about the importance of of younger generations sitting and listening to the stories of older generations. That's right. They don't anymore. It's one of the reasons that Gilbert and I put

this show together is to hear those stories. Exactly. They don't venerate old people anymore. But the Who has a song, I Hope I Die Before I Get Old. Oh, yeah. That's it. It's so bad because I try to Die Before I Get Old. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's it. It's so bad because I try to tell them it's a great time of life.

I'm having the best time ever. A beautiful young wife. I sing and dance every day. I'm on podcasts. Yes. You got to harmonize with Gilbert Gottfried. A rare privilege. Thanks for sharing your story.

Oh, I loved it. We're very grateful. Are there any quick tips you can give us to getting older gracefully? Don't ever start going down the stairs sideways. Because that's what people do to favor their knees. That starts the back, and that's when everything starts to go. They start going down the stairs sideways i see it even if it hurts a little go down the stairs front ways i mean that's real advice you'll find out i'm telling the truth

yeah does dick have one more song in him to take us out? You were singing a song right before we were recording. Oh, no, you know, you were singing actually of old things, a Billy Joel song. What? Oh, he was singing New York State of Mind. Oh, yeah. I don't know. But I think it's a heck of a song.

Okay. of mine. Oh, yeah. I don't know. But I think it's a heck of a song. How about the one you just did for your birthday party with the flash mob? What did they do? We did Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, didn't we? No, you also did Go Fly a Kite. Oh, okay. With tuppence for paper and string, you can have your own set of wings. With your feet on the ground, you're a bird in flight with your fist holding tight to the to the swing of your kite i'm too high oh let's go fly a kite up to the highest height let's go fly a kite and send it soaring why am am I doing this in so high? I got horses. I'm clear out of my own range.

And this is ridiculous to ask you, and you could tell me to go F myself. You're not going to ask him to trip over the ottoman, are you, Gil? No. Could you show me any dance moves? No. I don't know any standard anything. I do what the choreographer

tells me. Oh, yeah? So, I think we should end it with us singing this part. You know, the classic Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. You want to do this first? Yes, yes. Okay, can we sing it a little lower?

I'm hurting myself. Let's hear some Dick singing this time, Gil. Okay, I'll try. Califragilisticexpialidocious. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. If you say it loud enough, you always sound precocious. Hey, good. Oh, God. I think I...

You made a good chimmy sweep. Oh, thank you. I just sang with Dick Van Dyke. Oh, hot damn. And I think I came. Yeah. I sang with Dick Van Dyke. Oh, hot damn. And I think I came. Oh, folks, I wish you could see me in New York. It's late. Oh, Lord.

So, I guess... Is that it? Yeah. That's it. I'm going to throw my pants in the wash. And I'm going to say, this has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast

with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And we've been talking to the great dick van dyke thank you i really enjoyed this i'll come on again we should rehearse first with our little duet like for three or four days you'll come on again and I'll come again. Okay, thank you. I really appreciate you coming out to my house and doing all this. Oh, no problem. Like a party. Oh, thanks. Thank you, Dick. Thank you. My pleasure.