Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 93. Jackie Martling

Episode Date: March 7, 2016

Comedian, radio personality and former "Howard Stern Show" writer Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling joins Gilbert and Frank for a sprawling, no-holds-barred conversation about Hollywood urban myths, Joe E. Ross' hooker habit, the eccentricities of Tiny Tim and the vindictiveness of Ed Sullivan and Arthur Godfrey. Also, Jackie tells a joke to Sir Paul, Gilbert riffs on Jackie Mason, George Jessel turns down "The Jazz Singer" and Johnny Roselli scams the Friars Club. PLUS: Otto & George! Gilbert "Dice" Gottfried! The legend of Joe Ancis! And the origin of the "Jackie puppet"! This week's sponsor is http://Audible.com, who has more than 180,000 audiobooks and spoken-word audio products. Get a free 30 day trial and free audiobook at http://www.audible.com/Gilbert Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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transforming into Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Around 1860, Nearest Green taught Jack Daniel how to filter whiskey through charcoal for a smoother taste, one drop at a time. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. I'm here. He's laughing already.

I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. I would love to hear the words you ruled out for the name. Under frickin' leaveable. Now that's a little strong. That's great. We're once again recording at Nutmeg Post with the lovely Frank Furtarosa. Our guest this week is a comedian, comedy writer, musician, radio personality. From 1983 to 2001, he was the head writer of the Howard Stern Show.

Who? Which I think, yeah, yeah, I think. I kind of think Howard Stern Show. Who? Which I think, yeah, yeah. I kind of think I was wrong, but I can't swear to it at this point. There's a memory back there hiding behind a little piece of fog somewhere, but yeah. The best guest. You were the best guest. I feel like the original Marilyn talking about the monsters at this point. Talking about how –

It's nothing more exciting than once in a while I would write a line I thought was so good because I wouldn't give anything to Gilbert unless I was really crazy about it. And he was on his Dracula. And I ran over with a piece of paper and handed it to him and he read it. He says, the black man, scarier than the werewolf. This might be the worst Dracula, but funniest joke anyway. So thanks for having me, man. Well, let him finish introducing you.

Oh, yeah. Well, that sounded more like Lugosi's ego. Yeah, whatever. You can break Igor's neck. Now, he's also released numerous CDs, videos, and DVDs, along with five books, including the best-selling Disgustingly Dirty Joke book. You may have seen them in the TV show Leverage or the documentary The Aristocrats, which I think I've seen. You've seen.

Please welcome an old playmate of mine, the demure, tasteful, and always dignified Jackie Markling. Yes. Thank you, Gilbert. It is Jackie. Thanks, Jackie. So a guy goes to the library and says to the librarian, I need a book on suicide. She says, fuck you.

You won't bring it back. The best Mary joke I ever heard is the wife says, get out, get out, get the fuck out. And as the husband's walking out the door, she says, I hope you die a slow, painful death. He says, now you want me to stay? All right, let's get serious. You know, I know how much you guys love old show business. So I was thinking of some great stuff. There was a great story about Al Jolson, who was just a ridiculous egomaniac.

Among us, egomaniacs. He was crazy. And George Jessel was on a bill with him, who was a way, way smaller star. And he insisted to Al Jaisal that he wanted to be on the marquee. He wanted to be on the marquee, so Al Jaisal had them put on the marquee. Al Jaisal, but Georgie Jaisal. That's great. I love that. Nobody's ever heard's great. I love that.

Nobody's ever heard that story. I think that's one of the great. What was the gin rummy story, Jack? We talked on the phone yesterday. Georgie Jessel was supposed to be the original jazz singer. And he didn't get the, was it because he couldn't sing? He might have turned it down. I think he may have turned it down.

So one of those insane things for the rest of your life. Right, like he didn't think sound movies were going to make it. I didn't know he turned that down. That's good trivia. I know Danny Thomas played the jazz singer. Oh, yes. Yes. And there was a Jerry Lewis version.

Seriously? Yes, a Jerry where I think he's more like instead of black makeup, of course, he's in clown makeup. Yeah, at Auschwitz. Different movie. Different movie.

Jeez, what are people thinking? So I have, I love, you love jokes, I love jokes. There's certain people that don't like jokes, but who cares, right? H. Allen Smith said we should take all the people that don't like jokes. I bet who cares, right?

You know, H. Allen Smith said we should take all the people that don't like dirty jokes and put them in a canyon so the rest of us can stand on the rim of the canyon and piss all over them. So, but it turns out Neil deGrasse Tyson, the quantum mechanic guy, the genius, you know, the stars and all that. And Noam Chomsky, you you know because smart people like jokes those little stupid the problems like given and find in geometry you know like the again you want to race to the end a guy came up to me at a film festival and said jack you're gonna love this i have a very good friend whose grandfather was one of the great canters a world-renowned canter so he was friends with all the glitter eye at the turn of the century, and one of his best friends was Albert Einstein.

And it turns out Albert Einstein was a huge fan of filthy jokes, and Albert Einstein's favorite joke was, my dick isn't that big, but I love every foot of it. Albert Einstein! Is that great? Is that great? You know who didn't like dirty jokes? This I saw in a documentary on the History Channel. Hitler.

Really? Yeah. I knew there was a reason I didn't like Hitler. But Hitler, they said, liked jokes but didn't like dirty jokes. Oh. He doesn't want to offend anybody. That's, you know, that's, you can't even go near that. What was the gin rummy story, speaking of old showbiz stories?

It's way too long, but in a nutshell i answered everything that ever came into me at the stern show i didn't get you know i got if i got a mail or an email or whatever and some guy sent me a handwritten letter and his name was milt rosen and it turned out he was the guy that wrote a lot of those uh joke books and he was milton burl he wrote like three or four joke books for Milton Berle, and every time he had to sue Milton Berle to get paid. And I said, well then why would you write the next one?

I needed the money, but you didn't get it. So this guy was great. He wrote for TV, now you know in the early days of TV, there was one sponsor. You know, there weren't all multiple sponsors, it was like Birdside Presents. Right, right, right, yeah. And he wrote, I think it was. You know, there weren't all multiple sponsors. It was like Birdseye Presents. Right, right, right. Yeah.

And he wrote, I think it was the Roy Rogers, Dale Evans show. And the sponsor was Birdseye. And he got paid like half in cash and half in frozen peas, which is just so beautiful, right? So this guy's a real character. And, you know, I got his unpublished autobiography, which is wonderful. But I went out to the Friars Club in Los Angeles and uh he was really interesting and you know a little full of crap but he's one of those guys who's so interesting that it really didn't matter and you never knew

where the it started and stopped and he goes I'll show you something great and he takes me to the front there was a major dean named Johnny Francis. And this guy must have been pretty shaky because I Googled him and there is no Johnny Francis to be found. And he said, Johnny, show Jackie the article. And he went in the back and he had a copy of the Los Angeles Times. What had happened was

there were gin rummy games at the Friars Club in Los Angeles. But big money, like crazy money. Phil Silvers, Tony Martin, a guy named Harry Carl that was Debbie Reynolds' second husband who took all her money, and Harpo Marks. So, you know, there were various players that came and went, but those guys, it was like on the second or third floor of the Los Angeles Friars. And it's, you know, tens of thousands of dollars.

And the mob got wind of this. So Johnny Roselli, who was a mobster slash singer or whatever, got himself into the Friars Club. This sounds like malarkey, but this is – he sat in and he's playing gin rummy, okay? Gypsy Goldfinger. Sure. The opening scene of Goldfinger. Goldfinger is playing cards with somebody, right? And Pussy Galore is up in the hotel with glasses

looking at the other guy's cards and signaling Goldfinger what to bet, okay? That's what they did. But there weren't cameras. There was a guy, a guy in the fake ceiling, like literally lying supine above them looking at the cards and telling Roselli what to bet. And they took these guys for tens, it was somewhat, something like $1.3 million in 1963.

Okay. And then the FBI caught on. So this article they showed me, it was actually on the picture, for Los Angeles Times, there's a picture of the table and the guy in the ceiling with a dotted line showing his line of sight. Incredible. It was a whole big deal, but there's a whole huge court case. And Johnny Roselli came up in front of them, and he was involved in it. Kennedy assessed it.

I mean, this is crazy. And you can't find information hardly about it because the friars swept it under. Everybody thinks it'd be the greatest. Isn't that interesting? That's like a Scorsese movie, right? Good trivia. But it went on. It wasn't one time.

It went on for years. Interesting. They even changed the roofline of the Friars, and they had to redo. It's just crazy, man. They finally shut that L.A. Friars down, I think. Gil, did you ever go out there to the one in Beverly Hills? Oh, yeah, yeah. It wasn't like the one in New York.

It seemed like it lasted about a week or something. It was in financial trouble. It was there and not there. It was like an airport dining room type thing. Yeah. Yeah, I think they were doing, like, less comics standing there for a little while. Just go ahead.

We were in a terrible TV show together. You know, when I knew I was going to come here, I was thinking, Frank, you had to see it because me and Gilbert were in a show and I think it lasted two days. No, I don't mean the show. I mean the shoot lasted two days and we were together day and night for two days

and we must have told 10,000 stories and as they took the last shot of the last thing, we were both out of stories and we were like, see ya. And then we're walking around the casino. I see Gilbert. I got nothing left. What was the show? We left and left.

It was called The Watcher. And we played two slimy Las Vegas guys, not to be redundant. And they would hit ladies on top of the head and take their money. And then we thought we were stealing from each other. It was so bad. The Watcher. You know, they would like hit ladies on top of the head and take their money. And then we thought we were stealing from each other. It was so bad. The Watcher. Yeah, it was when... UPN.

Yeah, UPN was just starting. Superstation. And they wanted their own programming. And you guys played hoodlums? Well, what it was, it was like an hour show. And each show was like 23, 20-minute shows or 3, 10, whatever it was. What I remember, there's a big fight scene between me and Jackie, a violent fight scene, because he thinks I'm cheating him out of his money, whatever. And they get these two stuntmen who are like seven feet tall, barrel chested.

Blockhead! Gut men who are like seven feet tall, barrel chest. Block hair. So me and Gilbert go to fight, and the next scene is from far away. Two gorillas fighting, and then we're lying in the pool. It looks, both of them look like the Incredible Hulk. And then to try to put in a bad insert, they have me and Jackie like grabbing each other's collars. And then the next scene, one throwing the other one 10 feet in the air. You know who stuck me on that was Danny Aiello III.

Oh, yes. He's not with us anymore, but he was a great, great guy. But I think the budget was like 14 cents. Oh, yeah. This was a pilot? No, it was a TV show called The, but I think the budget was like 14 cents. Oh, yeah. This was a pilot? No, it was a TV show called The Watcher. And there was some black guy. He was like a rapper.

Sir Mix-a-Lot. Sir Mix-a-Lot was supposedly in a tower looking over Las Vegas. Yeah, and he'd be telling you what was going on. I'm trying to wrap my mind around Gilbert, Jackie, and Sir Mix-a-Lot. Yeah, and I remember being in, I don't know, I think we were somewhere. We were talking, and there was some woman there, like a makeup woman or something. Or something. And me and Jackie are talking about, like, joking back and forth about cum and shit and fucking a dog in the ass and, you know, and breathing and elephant farts and whatever and blowing a kangaroo. A routine one. Yes. And then in the midst of it, we were going over to the lunch wagon

and Jackie turned to this woman and said, can I get you anything? What I remember the most, I'm sure that's true, Las Vegas, you know, blows hot and cold. It can be 98 degrees and then it can be 20 degrees. Yes. And this one, it was an evening and it was freezing, freezing.

And the entire crew eats outside at, you know, folded up tables, you know, like cafeteria tables with chairs. And, of course, me and Gilbert are going to eat in the actor's trailer, you know, in the warmth of the trailer and they're making steaks for everybody and we're in line and everybody's dying of hunger. Of course, we get to walk right to the front so you feel like a jerk anyway. Walk right to the front and these guys are working like hell to make steaks for like

150 people. Gilbert puts out his plate and the guy puts a steak on it and Gilbert goes, can I have another one? You want to get us killed? And I'm sure he took it home. He probably still has it, Frank. Yeah, I'm sure.

I took it back on the plane. It's like the Lucy episode where she's got the giant cheese. She pretends it's like the Lucy episode where she's got the giant cheese she pretends it's a baby I love it and I remember and that we did have a great time yeah but that night when it was freezing cold

that was when we had to jump in the pool and there were girls working as they were supposed to be cocktail waitresses at the pool and they were standing there wrapped in fur until they were supposed to be cocktail waitresses at the pool. And they were standing there wrapped in fur until they said, you know, time to shoot. And you could see their breath. What a nightmare.

But what great fun. But I remember from the wardrobe, I should have worn it today. From the wardrobe department, I said, can I borrow a jacket for this week? Because it's freezing. And they let me borrow it, and I still have it today. I'm sure you do. I remember hearing a story, I think it was with Son of the Beach,

where they wanted, they had Robert Goulet, they asked him to be on a show as a villain. That was the Baywatch spoof. Oh, yeah. Just to tell our listeners. Oh, yeah.

I was on two of those. But I remember they were talking to Robert Goulet on the phone. And they sent him the script. And they said, well, what do you think? And do you have any questions? And he goes, yes. On page 73, it says he enters wearing a cocktail jacket. And they said, yes.

And he goes, can I keep that? It's a man after your own heart. I love it. And everybody's the same. Rodney Dangerfield, his favorite story was, have you ever heard of the story of two thespians? He loved Joey Ross from Carp Fifty Four. Oh, we just talked about him last week on the show. Rodney said, Joey Ross walked in out of the city.

He says, Joey Ross and another guy, two thespians, they're working on a show in Chicago, you know, two thespians. And it was an admiral, and he said, oh, you guys were so great. You were so great. You must come back to my house and have a drink. So Joey Ross and the other guy went back to the admiral's house.

They went back to the house, and the admiral kept pouring drinks, you know, and they kept pouring the drinks under the table until the admiral passed out. He says, one of the thespians fucked his wife and the other one stole his overcoat. The other guy fucked his wife and was jealous. What other show could you do, Jack, where they say, we just talked about Joey Ross last week? You know, I had to let that go because, you know. I heard a story that when Car 54 was on the air, I think it was sponsored by Procter & Gamble. So the heads of Procter & Gamble visited the set.

Jackie obviously knows this. I think I might have told him. So Procter & Gamble, the big heads of the company and their wives, visit the set, and they're introducing them to Fred Gwynn and Al Lewis. And, you know, they're being very polite, you know, shaking their hands and having their picture taken with them. And they pass by Joey Ross's dressing room.

The doors open and he's on the couch jerking off. That's not the story. It's a different one. It's a different Joey Ross story. Hurry. It's a different one. It's a different Joey Ross story. And the execs and the wives, the wives started screaming,

and Joey Ross is there with a stick still in his hands going, what, what, what is it? The one Rodney told me was the show got renewed, so they had a huge party with the Procter & Gamble guys and their wives. It's a huge party. And Fred Gwynn's there with his wife, and Al Lewis is there with his wife. Joey Ross is there with a whore. And they come over and say, hello.

And Fred Gwynn says, yes, this is my wife, Al Murda. And this is Joey. He goes, hi, hi. And they say, this is Mrs. Smith, this is Mrs. Johnson. And who's that? What's your name, honey? I was going to ask you about that. He famously had a thing for hookers, Joey Ross. Oh, my God.

It just went on and on. He walked in out of the sea, you know? Oh, God. That's a great Rodney. Not really. My favorite new joke, a guy says to a girl, give me a blowjob. And she says, be more romantic. He says, give me a blowjob in the rain.

See, we got to let the people listening go home with a joke. That's nice. It's generous of you. Oh, this is so fun. You know what? You're such a great, you too, but you're such a great audience. You know, whenever we do something together and I see you, I just gravitate right to you because I know you're going to scream because you love the, you know. Does you guys, you remember meeting for the first time, the two of you?

It wasn't on Howard. It had to be in stand-up. I think we crossed paths a few times here and there, but mainly on the Stern show because he was trapped. So I got a chance to, you know, hit him head on with some jokes. That's where I had to talk to Jack. Yeah, he was forced to talk to me and then once he knew I was going to tell him a funny joke he started gravitating to me.

I remember on Howard you used to wear these like finger condoms. What it was is my, do you ever have your fingers crack in the winter? Yeah, sure. It's nothing but painful.

Meanwhile, I'm writing and using paper. So it was so painful. So I thought it was the drying agent from the paper. It was the funniest thing. The funniest thing. It turns out it was because I was so full of alcohol. The tips of my fingers were dry, but who knew? But we're sitting there, and I'm trying

lotion on my fingers, and it was the greatest, I hope, it must be on tape. Like, Gary's sitting there and Robin and Howard and Fred. Because Fred knows more shit that you'd never need in your entire life. And Gary says, hey, why don't you get some of those little rubber

things to put on your fingers? And Howard goes, yeah, why don't you get some of those little rubber things for put on your fingers? And Howard goes, yeah, why don't you get some of those little rubber things for your fingers? And Robin's like, yes, get some rubber things for your fingers. And Fred goes, yeah, finger cuts. And everybody's like, what? How the fuck do you know what they're called? I just, finger cuts. And I wore them for a while and they didn't do anything.

I love that your Robin sounds like Margaret Dumont. Oh, yes. I just saw something. I was watching Animal Crackers the otheront. Oh, yes. I just saw something. I was watching Animal Crackers the other night. You know, oh, my God. It's so horrible and so wonderful. It's stage bound. It was a play and it looks it.

It's weird. There are like great moments in Animal Crackers. And then you wait. Oh, my God. It's slow. What's 1931? I mean, it's two years after sound. Right. Five, four,. It's slow. Well, it's 1931. I mean, it's two years after sound. Right.

Five, four, five years after sound. It's like, yeah, then there's some plot exposition and a musical number and more plot. And then you forget what the movie is. Right, right. And then when it gets hard to hear, sometimes it's hard to hear, which makes, you know. Oh, yes. Yeah. It compounds the whole thing.

But fun. hear. Sometimes it's hard to hear, which makes, you know. Oh, yes. Yeah. It compounds the whole thing. But while doing some research on the two of you guys, and I put in Jackie and Gilbert Gottfried, and the first thing that came up is something called Jackie and Gilbert laugh at a college professor being brutally beaten. Was that on the

start show? The first thing that came up was on YouTube. You know, it's so funny because the way that the genesis of my stupid laugh on that show is, you know, we'd be there on the air. And once in a while, Fred would go, yeah. And I'd say, why do you keep making that yelp? He says, that's you. I said, what do you mean it's me? Is that your joyful yelp that you do?

And I'm like, you're crazy. So one night I'm listening back to a show i did at jimmy's comedy alley and it wasn't even after a joke i told a joke and i must have been pacing the stage and i did to get to the other side and i said holy jesus that's fred's noise so i said fred i heard the noise i made the noise i'm like an idiot i him the tape. So he pulled out the, and he started using it. And then he realized it was funny. So he started pulling out all kinds of different laughs of mine. So if somebody got hit by a truck, Fred would play my laugh, which Gilbert obviously thinks is hysterical. A Cub Scout today was run over by a steamroller,

and Fred plays, so Gilbert's screaming, I'm screaming. And what's so great is I got the credit, and I got the blame. When in reality, the credit and the blame goes to Fred because he's the one that pulled it out. Except Gilbert was laughing for real. But he's really laughing. There was also one called Gilbert and Jackie Laugh at Other People's Misfortune.

That used to be pretty good. I was just going to say, how many notations are there for that? And I remember, but the same thing happened with me, where they had tapes of my laugh. And they would be a show I wasn't even on. Right, right. And then I'd go to the internet and I'd see a million emails, angry people going, you know, maybe you think a child being tossed out of a window is funny, but I assure you I do not.

And so they would play my life whenever. And of course, Howard would always be, come on, Jack, come on, Gilbert. Gilbert, that's not funny. You know, to cement the whole thing, which is, you know, which is funny and brilliant and horrible at the same time, you know. I think the first

time that Fred did it, it was like a guy pulled off on the side of the road. I think he was having sex with a deer. And all of a sudden, Fred played to laugh. And everybody's like, it was like the world came to an end for five seconds. Like, whoa. The shot heard around. It was so funny.

So funny. So you guys don't actually remember meeting. You don't remember a particular point in time. No, I probably crossed paths with you. I saw a picture of us. It had to be at the Stern Show, but you look like you're 12 years old. And I looked really young, but it had to be the early Stern Show days. Oh, yeah.

Because I never did the clubs in the city. I was out in Long Island. I was a bumpkin boy doing my albums, telling my albums, you know, telling my stupid jokes. As long as we're talking about that. I do remember there were a couple of times on this show where it wasn't a tape and we'd both be together. And they talk about, you know, like a two-year-old child being raped and killed. And somehow. Yeah, because, you know, you know.

I know he's going to laugh, so I might as well laugh. I think Robin would pick those stories just to get you guys going. Well, I'm sure, you know. So I don't know. Don't give her credit for this. I don't know how many people know that you did not start out to be a stand up that you told me told me you didn't have any aspirations to even be a stand-up. No, not even a little. You're a stand-up now? No, sorry.

That's not nice. You know, I heard a joke when I was a little kid and just knew every joke on the planet. But I thought that if you grew up in America, you were a guy who grew up in America, you knew all the jokes. Like, of course, you grew up in America. That's one of the things you know. Like, you know how to play baseball, ride a bicycle, and you know the jokes. So I never thought about it. And I always, always told jokes.

And we had a band in high school. I told jokes sometimes between songs, which was so inappropriate. It isn't even a good enough word. Like, what are you doing? You know, I see the people out there. And then we had a band in the 70s, and we played original music and told jokes in between. All-fouled rockers. Yeah, but they weren't good.

You know, and I had little scraps of paper to remind me. And nobody ever told us that comedians worked at different audiences every night. So here we are playing to the same people week after week. So we're changing our act every week, you know, telling bad joke at bad joke. But I just stored up so many. And when the band broke up, I had all these pieces of paper. And I had nothing to do. And I wasn't going to get a job.

So I said, let me try telling these, you know, jokes as just telling jokes on stage. And, you know, I won the stage with a guitar and a ponytail. But I told the jokes. And I was off to the races. Six months after I started, I had an album. Because I'd worked at a recording studio. I knew how to make a record. And I said to my girlfriend, I said, they had an album because I'd worked at a recording studio. I knew how to make a record. And I said to my girlfriend, I said, they laughed at every joke I said last night.

I should make a record. She said, oh, make a record. So I recorded on a cassette player. The left channel was me and the right channel was the audience. And I mixed it to a two-track tape, you know, and then edited it with a razor blade and borrowed $100 from 15 different people and got my class picture where I'm giving the finger and sent the whole thing to Nashville, and they sent back 1,000 albums.

And in 1979, I'm standing at the door of the Fort Lauderdale Comedy Club selling people albums for $5 on the way out with the other comics breaking my balls. Like, look at you. You're an idiot. And all of a sudden, one day, somebody goes, wait a minute. We all made 50 bucks. He made an extra 75. Maybe he's not that stupid, you know?

You were really like the first of the comics to get into the whole merch thing. Well, yeah, you know, because I told you, my whole theory was just not to... I wasn't a comedian. I was in the era with Robert Klein and where I thought if you were going to be a comedian, somebody touched you on your head and anointed you, that it wasn't a learned thing. I remember being a comedian. I was in the era with Robert Klein and where I thought if you were going to be a comedian,

somebody touched you on your head and anointed you, that it wasn't a learned thing. I remember being in college and I said to the drummer in my band, what's your major? And he said, radio and TV. And I'm like, what are you talking about? You can't choose that. Somebody picks you out and says, you get to be in television. You get to be in radio. You can't take it as a major. Interesting.

You know, because I never thought of that. You study what, mechanical engineering? Yeah, mechanical engineering and played in a band and told jokes. It was so stupid. But it just, you know, it's just ingrained in your head and you start doing it. And making the album just made so much sense. But I had no idea what I was doing, you know. I made the album.

I had my class picture given a finger. I said, you know what, that's going to be the cover of my album. And my idea was not to be a comedian. I thought if I fill up an album with dirty jokes, just like Red Fox's, people are gonna love it. Got nothing to do with me. I'm just a conduit to get these dirty jokes to people. Like Red Fox used to look at people in the audience and go, don't look at me, lady. Somebody got to tell them. So I thought I was just passing them on and passing them on. So that was, you know, but it worked. You know, it was fun.

Now tell a joke about the gorilla and the lion. Oh, that. I don't know whether you just. Are you saying that's here? There really is one. Oh, I didn't know if you were just. There is. So there's a gorilla walking along in the jungle,

and there's a lion getting a drink of water. I got a story about this, too. There's a lion getting a drink of water from a mud puddle, and the lion's tail's up, and the gorilla's like, yeah, you know. And the gorilla goes up behind the lion and slips him a Liberace. And the gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off, and the gorilla goes running into a horse camp and he jumps inside a tent

and grabs a pith helmet and sits down in a chair and puts on a pith helmet and grabs like the Johannesburg Times and starts to read. And the lion comes running into the camp.

Roar! He sticks his head in the tent. Roar! He says, did a gorilla come through here? And the gorilla says, you mean the one

that fucked the lion in the ass? And the lion says, you mean the one that fucked the lion in the ass? And the lion says, my God, you mean it's in the paper already? Now, Drew Carey. People have always screamed about stealing jokes or stealing material. Hey, it was my idea to do Star Trek. Give me a break, right? But I've always told – but my – I maintain that if I tell a joke a specific way, if you go up and mimic the way I do it, that's as much stealing as anything. That's stealing a personality because you take the jokes and you make them your own.

I was reading Drew Carey's book called Dirty Jokes and Beer. I mean I love the guy. He's got nothing to do with anything because the way – it's fun to get taken into the lexicon. And either before each chapter or after each chapter, he'd have a joke. And I'm looking at it and that joke was in it. And it said – and when you tell a joke, you don't want to include anything in the joke. That's in the punchline. So instead of the line picks up the paper, I say Johannesburg Times.

And I don't want to say he fucks the line in the ass because that's in the punchline. So I said slipped him a Liberace. And in Drew Carey's book, you know, the girl walks up and slips him the old Liberace. I'm like, look at me. I'm national. I'm national news. So funny. That is just the greatest joke.

Yeah, because it's so fucking stupid. I love it. Talking. You know, you think about the movie. They're talking? It's been so outrageous up to then. Like, fuck it. Let them talk.

You guys recently did stand-up together at Gotham. You did a show together a couple of weeks ago. That was so funny. That was a great night. It was so funny. Oh, God. And you told it. I killed.

It was a great game. You were great. You told that wonderful joke about the couples counselor. You know what I mean? The couple goes to marriage counseling. Yeah. And the marriage counselor says, I think we should begin with something you have in common. And the husband says, neither of us likes to suck cock.

The perfect joke. That really is. I love that one. You know, I was with Gene Cornish from the Rascals the other night. And he's one of those guys that stands there and tries not to laugh. Like, you know, I'm killing him. I know he's remembering the joke stands there and tries not to laugh. Like, you know, I'm killing him. I know he's remembering the joke. He's trying not to laugh.

But I told him this and I finally cracked him. And it wasn't even that great a joke. It was so stupid. The guy's on a plane. And, oh, shoot. I'm sorry. This was probably in the set the other night. But the guy's on a plane and he looks over and the lady's breastfeeding her baby as they're taking off.

And a few hours later they're coming in for a landing and she's breastfeeding the kid again he says excuse me lady i couldn't help but notice that you breastfeed the baby on takeoff and now you're breastfeeding him again on landing is there a reason she's yeah i breastfeed my child on takeoff and landing so his ears won't pop and the guy says fuck it all these years I've been chewing gum. It's just cherry. And speaking of planes, is there one about the pilot, the woman running up and down the aisle? That one take too long to tell? No, but he knows. That's a good one.

The pilot comes on. He says, thank you for flying West Eastern. We appreciate your business. And we're going to touch down in Los Angeles in approximately six hours. And he doesn't turn off the intercom. He turns to the co-pilot. He says, I think I'm going to go take a shit and then get a blowjob from the hot new stewardess. And she's in the back of the plane and realized the intercom's still on.

So she goes running up the aisle to tell him the intercom's on. And little Ole says, take your time, honey. Sarah's going to take a shit first. That's the one. And that's one of those jokes. That's been around since. Yeah, it's been around forever. And I don't, I've lost track of how many times people have said, well, I was on a plane and I swear this happened.

Oh, yeah. People repurposing jokes as actual anecdotes. Yes. Actual stories. You know what story – whoever you tell it to, they have a different actor. But a guy told me this a million years ago. They had just built a big, huge CBS film space. And Schwarzenegger was making a movie.

And I guess he was being a dick. And everybody was, you know, he's bullying people around or whatever. Who knows if any of this is true. But he went to his trailer. And he was wearing a lavalier microphone. And it was still on. and he was in the trailer and the sound guy didn't like him and he had a girl come into the trailer so the sound guy pumped pumped the sound throughout the set and all of a sudden they said you could hear

schwarzenegger saying cradle the balls cradle the balls cradle the balls who cares if that's true see I heard the same story with Sylvester Stallone

right I thought you were going to say Lytle Atwell you know lick my dick lick my dick and then I heard

allegedly that then the entire crew would say everything twice, like action, action. Cut, cut. It just gets better and better. Oh, I love that. I love that. I mean, I remember there was also this story like just fill in any black actor you want.

Right. And this supposedly happened. Oh, yeah. And that a white couple's in an elevator and we'll say, you know, Sidney Poitier. God. And Sidney Poitier says to the white couple, hit four. And they think he said hit the floor. And the funny thing is I've even heard it with O.J. Simpson years ago. Like, see, because it's funny because O.J. would never hurt anybody.

His old farm is walking along with his big, fat, disgusting wife. And it starts to rain. And he's walking along and Jesus Christ, he gets a hard-on. He can't believe he's got a hard-on. This big, fat, sloppy pig. And he dies. And he throws her down in the mud puddle. And he gets on top of her and he starts in.

And he starts in. And he says, Elsie, is it in you, or is it in the mud? She says, it's in the mud. So he reaches down and fiddles around. He says, now, Elsie, is it in you or is it in the mud? She says, it's in me. He says, put it back in the mud. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this. This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. cast after this. ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27,

only on Disney+. This is a paid advertisement from BetterHelp. As a podcast listener, you've heard from us before. Today, let's hear what members have told us. One member said, I would recommend my therapist 1,000 times over. She has truly changed my life. Another member said, The day after my first session, my friends and family said I sounded like myself again for the first time in weeks. You deserve to invest in your well-being. Visit betterhelp.com to see what it can do for you. That's betterhelp.com. Are you Dave, a claims-free hybrid driving university grad who signed up online?

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Save like only you can at tdinsurance.com slash ways to save. TD. Ready for you. I finally got to tell a joke to McCartney. Do you know, do you guys know about this? No. Yeah. For years I've been screaming that, because Noel Redding from the.

Marvin McCartney. Noel Redding from the Jimi Hendrix Experience. The bass player used to come on the show. And he was always fun because he'd tell the stories of how many drugs they did and everything. And after the show, he'd say, oh, we had such a marvelous time. You know, last night me and the wife and Paul and Linda were out. We went out to dinner and he told dirty jokes for hours. I'm like, invite me, man, because I tell him jokes I could tell you, you know. And I said, I know McCartney would love me

because not for me but he'd love me because he'd know I'm a source of good jokes so I argued with Howard for years no McCartney would think you're a jerk you're out of your mind I'm like you don't understand there's a bond between joke tells like hockey players you know it's a symbiotic thing and so I

they'd always make fun of me and then I leave the show and two months later McCartney comes on the show so the whole world knows that I've always wanted to do this so we went to a screening of the big short which is incredible movie and it was pretty hoity-toity like like I shouldn't have been there type thing you know like Tina Fey Lorne Michaels that kind of gang you know and uh it was really nice and I'm standing with my new girlfriend and she says, look at that. And it's at MoMA. And down the stairs, here comes McCartney and Nancy Chevelle, his wife. And she goes, you should tell him a joke.

And I said, listen, there's not a person in this cocktail party who doesn't think they got a perfectly good reason to go up to a Beatle and say, I got to tell you, this is so important because I was in fifth grade. But, you know, that's why he can go out in New York because nobody's going to do that to him. Right. So what am I going to do? He circles around and he comes walking like almost bangs noses with me so close. He just comes walking. His wife goes past me and then he's right in front.

And, you know, God strike me. I just stopped him so gently. I said, can I tell you a joke? And he goes, sure. And I told him a joke and he laughed out loud and went on and he didn't say, well, let me tell you one, mate. But I'm sure you heard this joke. But the guy, the guy goes for a job interview and the interviewer says, what do you think

is your biggest fault? And the guy says, I think my biggest fault is my honesty. And the interviewer says, I don you think is your biggest fault? And the guy says, I think my biggest fault is my honesty. And the interviewer says, I don't think honesty is a fault. The guy says, I don't give a fuck what you think. I love that joke. That's great. Which is a great joke. And he laughed.

And I said to Barbara, I said, I bet you he walked away. You know, somebody tells you a new joke, you tell it to yourself real quick or you go tell it to somebody to put it in your head, you know? So. Is there a Jackie Mason story too? You said you had a Jackie Mason story. Have you seen him? I saw him the other day, and I almost didn't know it was him, because his lips are so big from collagen, and his hair is now that Pat Cooper color, only worse, bright orange, and he's teeny, he's shrinking like crazy, and he's still so angry and so nuts. But he's so great.

But a million years ago, I had put out a couple albums. And he knew I made albums. And you make albums? I want to make an album. We're at the Eastside. He was drummed out of show business for like 20 years because he had Sullivan thing. And Richie Minervini ran into him in Florida and said, I'm opening a club. Will you come up and do the opening week?

And he came up and did the opening week. And each of us got to take turns, you know, doing two minutes and introducing him. It was pretty exciting because he couldn't, you know, Ed Sullivan had such tentacles. Oh, my God. Like if you hire Gilbert and I don't like Gilbert, that poisons everybody.

You know, it was like fruit of the poison tree. It's like the story for people who don't know it. It's like someone gave like a finger move to Mason to wrap up. Like one more minute or something like that. And then Mason started making fun like, oh, he gives me the finger here. And then he points this way and he's pointing that. And he never gave them anything. Why would he do anything way, and he's pointing that. And he never gave the man a finger. Why would he do anything so crazy?

Yeah, that's how he reacts. It's like, you do, you point it there, blah, blah, blah. Right. And, yeah, and Ed Sullivan, who owned show business then, got mad, and nobody would hire Mason after that. Forever. Forever. and nobody would hire Mason after that. Forever, forever. So Richie runs into the guy and, you know, so he comes up and he says, we got this bright idea that Carter was running, you know,

so we're going to do an album called Election 80. And we're going to tape, I'm going to tape his album, him like I tape my albums at the Eastside Comedy Club. Just like his Broadway shows, he's going to do his act. You know, throw in a Carter joke, throw in, you know, a little politics here and an Admiral joke here, but it's going to be his act, which is what he does. So we're going to record it. So we're going to get together and see if we can come up with some ideas for this album.

And like, I'm brand new. I mean, I'm around for a year, you know, so we're at Jackie Mason's apartment on Park Avenue. This is, whoa, look at us. This is me and Barry Mitchell. Oh, yeah. Oh, I remember Barry. Barry Mitchell and me and Minervini.

It might have been one other person. And we go to Mason's apartment and he's sitting in the chair and we're kind of sitting on the floor and we're pitching ideas, you know. And it was so cool. It was, you know, we're on the second floor of whatever Park Avenue. And so I had an idea and I said it. And he said, you just thought of that? I said, yeah. That just come out of your head?

I said, yeah. I just thought that's a great idea. That's an unbelievable. You, you, my friend, are a genius. What a great idea. Did you hear this idea? Such an idea. You're a genius. And I'm sitting there like, Jackie Mason's an icon. He's calling me a genius. What a great idea. Did you hear this idea? Such an idea. You're a genius.

And I'm sitting there like, Jackie Mason's an icon. He's calling me a genius. Like, maybe I have a place in this business. You know, whatever goes through your head. Like, it felt really good. I'm like, well, look at me. What do you say, you guys? Let's go to the deli. We're going to sandwich. We'll sit down and have a sandwich, a cup of coffee. We get in the elevator and see the old elevator with the lattice. He opens up the elevator, I'm right of coffee. We get in the elevator. It's an old elevator with the lattice. He opens up the elevator. I open it. And we get in.

And the elevator operator closes the lattice. We go down to the first floor. And he opens up the lattice. And Mason turns to the elevator operator and says, you? You just brought us down here from up there. You, my friend, are a genius. That's a great story. And my dick went limp

and now it's... I love that. Boy, Sullivan was a vindictive guy, wasn't he? Oh, yeah. Who was the bigger prick, him or Arthur Godfrey?

Ooh, well, that's a pretty, that's a tough call. Yeah. Arthur Godfrey? Oh, well, that's a pretty tough call. Arthur Godfrey, I know, it's famous for being like the most vicious anti-Semite in the world. And he was also a lech, which nobody could believe because he looked so, he looked like, you know. Yeah, because he was – I hate those Jews. Oh, Hitler had the right idea. What about some of the other people that came through, Jack?

You know what? I got to tell you something. Go ahead. And you would not believe this. Go ahead. I have a friend – like I said, I answer every letter I ever got. And I got a nice letter from a guy I think he was 75 at the time

he's like 80, no he just hit 90 his name's Frankie Pirelli and he's a Runyon-esque you would love this he was partners with Shecky Green in a nightclub in New Orleans called the Wits End until they found a dead body in the green room

he managed Hunt's Hall, he managed the Midget Orchestra New Orleans called The Wits End until they found a dead body in the green room. He managed Hunt's Hall. He managed the Midget Orchestra. He managed a woman's orchestra. He was in a two-man group called Aldo and Ray or something. He and his best friend growing up was Lenny Bruce. He was part of that

gang. He's got pictures of Lenny Bruce. And he's a character. And he still sent him his of that gang. He's got pictures of Lenny Bruce. And I mean, and he's a character. And he still sent him these ideas for scripts. He's 90. You know, he's just wonderful. He was in The Wedding Crashers. And he called me up one day. Oh, I just spent 200 bucks on color pictures.

They're going to put me in this movie, Wedding Crashers. And at the time, that didn't mean anything. I think I was somebody who's making a $2 movie. And what he was when they were going to the different weddings, one of the weddings they went to was an Italian wedding. And he was one of the guys sitting at the table at the Italian wedding. So he's such a character. And now I have absolutely no idea what we're talking about.

He wrote you and you answer all your mail. What's his name again? Frankie Pirelli. Frankie Pirelli. It'll come to you. No, but we were on a subject. I was going to ask you about some of the other people that came through. Oh, we were talking about Jackie Mason, Sullivan, and then Arthur Godfrey.

This is like, it's so funny because you were just talking about going into a room and not knowing. This guy, this guy. I like where you were going. He wrote a story, and I'll email you the story. He wrote a story called, I Saw Milton Berle's Cock. You don't know how many times we've mentioned Milton Berle's cock. This guy, he was friends with the guy Wim Westerstein or Wes Westerman, whatever the guy was that managed Jackie Gleason and a lot of guys in the late 40s.

And I guess Milton Berle's wife had just taken off with that band leader, Artie Shore. And so Milton was all depressed. And he says, I got to go see Milton Berle. You want to go see Milton Berle? And he goes, I'd love to. So they go up to Milton Berle's hotel room. And he said, he's a kid. And he said, Milton Berle was sitting there on the bed with an open bathrobe,

He said Milton Berle was sitting there on the bed with an open bathrobe with his glasses on, reading the race form with a huge heart on and choking the heart on. And as he walks in, it's like, Jesus Christ. And he said that his father loved Milton Berle so much. He used to say, I love it. Milton Berle is so funny. He walks out. He's just a walker funny. He doesn't used to say, I love it. I love Milton Berle. He's so funny. He walks out. He's just a walker funny. He doesn't want to say nothing. I'm going to laugh.

He walks a funny, walks a funny. So Frankie goes home and says, hey, I met Milton Berle, Dad. You wouldn't believe. He's got a dick two feet long. And his father said, hey, no wonder he's a walker funny. But Frankie, what was the story? It was a great story about Frankie. It'll come to you.

Oh, shit. But tell us about some of the other people that came through it, Howard, like Tiny Tim and your buddy Pat Cooper. You know, I did something for a couple weeks, maybe more than a couple weeks, with Steve Grillo, who was an intern. I just had lunch with him today. Such a great guy. And I got this bright idea and I would write lines about whoever's sitting there. And what I would do is I'd take the best line that I had given to Howard to say about whatever the guest was and have Grillo take it and say, here, Jackie would like you to sign this form and feel free to write something funny, which went on for a couple of weeks until when Howard

got wind of it, he went nuts. Now, meanwhile, if somebody walks in that room, walks in that building, there's a – just like this, there's a camera right up his nose every second. And all of a sudden he's on me like, how could you be so imposing on the guests as to make them sign the – you know. Oh, yeah. And ask them to write something. But I have an eclectic group of like 100 or 120.

You couldn't make up this eclectic group if you tried. You know, Barbra Streisand's sister, Adam West, Geraldo Rivera, Joey – not Joey, but Fuka, the guy whose dick got cut off. Oh, Bobbitt. Bobbitt, Tiny Tim, you know, Roger Daltrey. And they all wrote funny stuff, but I got a couple signed by Tiny Tim, you know, Roger Daltrey. And they all wrote funny stuff, but I got a couple signed by Tiny Tim. And it was like, and I remember one of the lines was, in honor of the last time Tiny was here, he's wearing the exact same thing today. Meanwhile, he had had it on for two years.

And he, you ever meet him? He was the real deal. I never met him. Did you meet him, Gil? Yeah. That was the guy. That was not like, well, the mics are off. How are you doing, Gilbert?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no. That was him. Thank you, Mr. Jackie. Thank you, Mr. Jackie. You don't want to talk. You always have to. I remember him singing Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS this year on the Howard show with a uke.

You know what? Some of the things that happened was so great. You never knew. And we were on the air one day. And Sam Kinison came bursting through the door at 6 o'clock in the morning with Pat McCormick, Chuck McCann, and Jack Riley from the New Heart Show. They had just been out the night before in Los Angeles. He said, come on, you guys. Let's get my plan.

Let's go do the Stern show. Drunk and stoned and coke, whatever they were doing. And the four of them just It's like fucking Mount Rushmore. I'm looking at this and me and Fred like and they're worthless, drunk, stupid. But, you know,

I think it was lost on Howard and them. But, you know, that's Chuck McCann, you know, that's Channel 5 or whatever. We had him on this show. Yeah. We had Chuck. He was great. McCormick, I mean, they were all so.

But that kind of stuff, you couldn't invent that, you know. Really fun stuff. And I remember Jack Riley started getting work again. He's still around. Yeah. Is that right? Oh, he's around, yeah. Now, that guy's got to be nice. We got to get him on.

Well, what's the rush? That's what you said about Jack Carter. Push it back another week. He turned up in Boogie Nights, Jack Riley and Magnolia. Jack Riley started getting work on The Tonight Show and sketches. Yes. Because he looked like that guy who was the head of the Hale-Bopp Comet cult. Yeah.

Like, what was that? What a reference. The Doomsday cult. Yeah, the Doomsday cult. The guy who was that? What a reference. The Doomsday Cult. Yeah, the Doomsday Cult. The guy who was the head of it, the Charles Manson of that group, looked just like Jack Riley. You know, some people get lucky, you know. Jack Riley. We've told Pat McCormick stories on this show, too.

I think Paul Reiser looked like one of the Menendez brothers, but he never kissed. Did you know a guy named Mark Senter? Oh, yes. Yes. Mark Senter. He committed suicide, you know, decades ago. But he was funny and all the comics loved him, but he never made the audience laugh. But we loved him because he just left.

It was smart and way off beat, like crazy. And I would like book him at Governor's or something. And they'd say, don't bring that guy back here. So I'd have to wait until they'd forgotten who he was and then book him. And then they go, wait a minute. Is that that guy? You know, because I love the guy and I try and help him. And nobody would hire him.

I was the only good. I put him at the brokerage or if I had to show out in Long Island because I wasn't the same owner. So I could. So I tried to help him. But he just was not making it. And one day I walked into the comic strip. I said, how you doing, Mark? He said, I just got a job as a department store Santa Claus.

He said, it's nice to have something steady. so silly you mentioned the brokerage and i think of otto and george oh i loved i was just talking to somebody about him last night what a great act he had a talk show otto and george otto peterson had a talk show you know know, I was talking to a guy. I was talking to Al Dukes on his podcast, and he said how much he loved it when Conan came in and the Jackie Puppet attacked him. And I said, yeah, because you can't win against a puppet. And I said, check the timeline. I think the Jackie Puppet begat the insult dog. Oh, possible. Or Smigel.

Somebody said, wait a minute, because if it's a puppet insulting you, because Conan was fighting with the puppet and you look like a moron and his Otto's being Johnny Carson and he's interviewing you, but the dummy's interviewing you. So if you talk to Otto, you look like an idiot, but then you're talking to a dummy. There was a story about a heckler supposedly getting up and punching the puppet. Oh, yeah. Stabbing him. Yeah, stabbing the puppet.

And cutting Otto's hand. I never found out if that was true. Now, I heard with Otto and George, well, that was George who was the ventriloquist. No, Otto was the ventriloquist. George was the dummy. That Otto, he had a major drug problem. that Otto, he had a major drug problem. And one time in someone's backyard, this other guy had drugs,

and Otto desperately wanted it. So the guy was saying, and they had like a barbecue going, and he goes, all right, you want some? First, I'll throw your shirt in there. And then now take your pants off and put them in the fire. And then he was – He was going to throw the dummy. After a while, he was sitting there totally naked because this guy, his shoes, pants, underwear are on the fire. That's a terrible story, but it absolutely could be true.

He used to get so high, and he'd screw up his act, and he'd be so high. And the dummy, he was so fucking brilliant. Oh, unbelievably funny. The dummy would yell at him. Yeah. You fucking idiot. Look how fucking high you are. You can't even do this act.

You can't even remember. The dummy would say, every time you talk, the show sucks. And for years, the dummy's mouth got stuck. But he was a drug addict and he was so high he couldn't get it together.

So he'd be using the dummy. And the dummy's mouth would get stuck open and he'd have to reach over. It was part of his act. You remember the JFK bit? Where the dummy, he rigged the dummy's head to come apart. And the hair would come off.

It was a flap. It was a flap. So here's my impression of 1963 Dallas, Texas. Boom, and he'd go like that and the flap would flap back and it was bright red. It was the funniest act I ever saw in my life. Oh, my God. People like they couldn't believe it.

Yeah. You know, like, I still can't believe it. Yeah. I mean, thank God you said that because I never could find it. Rest his soul. He was an absolute genius. And I remember with Mark Senter, I think, he like, you know, he just parked himself in a garage one day. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And that was that. All I remember about him is him standing on stage and he'd pull on the mic cable and he'd go, when I yank on this cable, a comedian in China falls down. It's just so stupid. People are like, yeah. Can we ask you about the Jackie Puppet since you brought it up? Because we had Billy on the show.

And I've heard Billy say, and it's interesting how it was surreal to stand over you and mock you with lines that you yourself had written. It was so much fun. And there's got to be footage of what actually was going on because Howard was there and me and Fred are here. And Billy was behind me. So there was no way to get a line to Howard and okay, like when we had the guy on that used to do, would you, the engineer that was like, oh yeah, he'd stand there and I'd pass the lines to Howard because he wanted to touch everything.

I'd hand it to Howard and then he'd hand it to Steve, which, and the guy was so slow that it slowed it up even more, which worked, right? But Billy, Billy's behind us., and Billy, he's an actor. He's a voiceover guy. What it says on the page, he's going to read. So you had to be careful what the hell you wrote because he's going to say it. You know, if you wrote cunt, he's saying cunt. You know what I mean?

And we would just line up the papers behind me, and there'd be like eight or ten, and he'd just boom, boom, boom, boom. And it was just brutal and crazy. He's a funny man. He was beyond crazy. Now, you said that they also once made a Robin puppet. I don't know. Well, there was a Gary puppet.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, it's pretty interesting. The Jackie puppet story is pretty good. It seems to me maybe there was a Robin puppet, but I think it was an over, over, over the top racist or something. I don't know if you know when Ralph made a dummy of Clarence Thomas for the Channel 9 show. And Clarence Thomas was smoking pot. And when he took, we had it rigged up with a wire. So when he took it to sip a pot, his afro went like three feet in the air.

But he had lips that were literally the size of two Coca-Cola cans, you know. And it was just way over the top. But the Jackie Puppet, I pulled into my driveway one day. And my friend Billy Bourne was sitting there. And another guy in between them was this little Jackie with a joint in his mouth and a little tiny Budweiser can. I said, what the hell is that? He said, well, you know, Tom figured there's a Gary puppet. There should be a Jackie puppet.

And I'm like, that's crazy. He goes, yeah, it's a doll. It works. And he pulls the thing and the mouth worked. I'm like, that's crazy. He goes, yeah, it's a doll. It works. And he pulls the thing and the mouth worked. I'm like, that's great. And he said, you think you could take it in? And I said, you know what? Truth be told, if I take that in and say, look at this, Howard's going to go, here's Jackie promoting Jackie again. Here you go. Look at me. And it would have been thrown in the garbage. That would have been it. I said, what you got to do is you guys take it in on the premise that it's to break my balls. Right?

I said, you got a nice girlfriend. And Tom says, I have a wife. You know, my wife, Amy, is really beautiful. And I'm like, what you guys got to do is come into the show with the puppet and say, look what we got. A couple of days later, it's like I wrote the script. I'm sitting there and Gary comes in and says, hey, how the guy in the lobby got a puppet that later it's like i like i wrote the script i'm sitting there and gary comes in today how the guy in the lobby got got a puppet looks a lot like jackie and he's got a pretty hot wife with him and how it's to bring him in and the guy brings it in and starts operating it and now

it's when the girl and everybody's taking a turn with the thing and i'm like oh man get rid of that thing you know don't throw me in the briar patch you know what I'm talking about right and and that was and from there on it went crazy and then when once Billy got a hold of it it was like crazy you know so that that that was so fun and I still say to this day if I had taken it in it wouldn't have seen the light of day it was great it's truly The Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast Producer of the Month is Gregory Comer. Thank you, Gregory. Be just like Gregory and get rewarded for supporting our podcast. Head over to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried for a set amount each month. You can get some colossal benefits, access to new podcast episodes before anyone else, even us. Exclusive podcast merchandise, video hangouts, so you can see how beautiful we are.

And just added, I will record a personalized roast of you and only you so you could share it with your friends. Me telling you what a schmuck you are. Go to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. That's patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Gilbert Gottfried. And thank you for your generosity. And speaking of the WOR show, you remember the Channel 9 show? Oh, yeah. I was on there.

I remember I was on there as, you know, Gilbert Dice Gottfried. Oh, yeah. Let's hear a little of Gilbert Dice Gottfried now that you brought it up. Yeah. I was talking to this girl. Hey, what are you, Palo Homo? You ever liked to go? I got through doing this brood.

and his bro and she goes Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a big A homo and Jill go up the hill. The homo turns to Jill. He goes Jill goes Jill go up the hill. The homo turns to Jill. He goes, homo, Jill go, Jill go, Jill go, Jill go.

I remember it well. So great. Not a dirty word. Oh, God, that's brilliant. We had so much fun on that show. It was insane. And we're doing that show in addition to the radio show. I came up with the idea for the E! show because we

were so fried from doing the radio show and then we had to have an hour TV show by Friday night recorded. And it was like my favorite year, that movie my favorite year. We were crazed. And one day I said, what are we doing?

Why are we going over there? Howard's there, Fred's there, I'm here, Robin's doing? Why are we going over there? We got Howard's there. Fred's there. I'm here. Robin's over there. There's more than – Gary's in and out. We got guests. There's more than enough show here for anything.

And they all made fun of me. Oh, Jackie's lazy. He didn't want to go to Secaucus. And then a month later, Howard got this great idea. Why don't we put cameras in the studio? The WOR show had some funny shit on it. The WOR show had some funny shit on it. And I remember to do the dice bit, Howard brought in one of his old leather jackets. Nice. So that fit me like wearing an apartment building.

I can kind of see it. I love that. I can almost see it. All that stuff's on the internet. Did you write a lot of the Stuttering John interview questions? I mean they were gold. Me and Fred wrote all the Stuttering John. It's like Leonard McCartney.

Like me and Fred went together and we wrote all the song parodies and all the questions. But there's some – I wrote – the worst stuff. The worst stuff, when he interviewed the Dalai Lama and he said, people come up and say, say hello, Dali. Do you remember the Ted Williams one? He was at the autograph show. That was my finest hour because Ted Williams, do you remember? He made him repeat it. Because he couldn't hear. He couldn't hear.

It was hard of hearing. He said, did you ever accidentally fart in the catcher's face? What was that? What was that? Did you ever accidentally fart in the catcher's face? Who the hell are you? Get out of here. I can see it.

But first he asked him who got hit in the chin with more balls, Yogi Berra or Rock Hudson. You know, my finest hour was the Ringo thing. Do you know the Ringo thing? I don't remember the Ringo thing. Ringo was the first Beatle to go on the road. He's doing the all-star tour. So this was a big deal. And he had Leslie West and Todd Ray, whoever he had. He had the greatest players in the world. And he was doing a press conference to announce it. And there were literally, it was a worldwide live press conference. There were a billion – literally a billion people listening.

And we sent Stuttering John and John got off a question. And it was so goofy, the oldest joke in the book. And Ringo said the perfect straight line. You know, they pick on John we're listening live and and we're like also they say you stutter you know John Melendez and me and Frederick we're like cringing he's live with a beetle you know like you know child of the 60 right and he goes Ringo what'd you what'd you do what'd you do with the money and Ringo, what did you do with the money? And Ringo said, the money mom gave you for singing lessons. Live, a billion people.

I'm like, oh, my God. That was classic. That was classic. That was classic. Wowee. Before we wrap up, Gil, do you want to ask Jackie about the legendary Joe Ansis? You know that name? Did you know that guy? Yeah, yeah.

And he used to hang out. Well, he was like the guy who was like a non-comic who all the comics back there looked up to. Well, that guy, Frankie Pirelli, I was talking about. He was friends with Lenny Bruce and Rodney and Buddy Hackett and Joe Ansis was the funny guy in the group that didn't have the

balls to get up. But he was the guy that sat in the back of Dangerfields. And when I was on the road with Dangerfield for a couple of weeks, I got to do the Joeanns' line. You know, the Joanns' line where Rodney's at some point in his act,

you know, Joanns' has yelled, so what do you do for a living? And Rodney said, I get guys for your sister. You know? And we were in Las Vegas. I'd yell it out

and everybody would look at me like, because they think you're a heckler. You know? But Joanns' was so funny and he was so nice

and he really liked me because we hung out a few times. And I really laughed. And Rodney and Joe Ansis used to stand outside Rodney's apartment with the door cracked and watch Rodney's Jamaican housekeeper watch the game shows. Because she didn't know anybody was there. And she used to scream and yell and dance. And that was their form of entertainment. I mean, those are freaks. So I'm putting out my third album.

And somebody tells me this quote, normal people are people you don't know that well, which is just astute. It's brilliant because you start talking to anybody, everybody's a fucking idiot. You know, the greatest family in the world, and they're beating each other behind closed doors. So I'm going to name my album that. And all of a sudden there's a People magazine article.

And it's Rodney in the blue bathrobe. The whole thing is really nice. In quotes from Robert Klein. And the last paragraph, it says, well, it's like Joe Ancest always said, you know, the only normal people are people you don't know that well. I'm like, oh, motherfucker. I thought this was just a line floating around. So I wrote Joe Ansis a postcard and said, Joe, it's Jackie. I'm just about to put out my third album.

And I named it Normal People, People You Don't Know That Well. And then I saw on the People magazine, that's your quote. Is the original quote. And if it is, is it okay with you if I use it? Or else you can just tell me to go fuck myself. And Joe, I still have the postcard. He wrote back, yes, it's the original quote. Yes, you can use it.

And go fuck yourself anyway. Is he gone, Jack? Oh, I think he died long before Rodney. He was a very tall, you know, he gone, Jack? Oh, I think he died long before Rodney. He was a very tall, you know, he was, talk about Damon Runyon-esque, you know. Oh, that club. Rodney, I was with Rodney two weeks, and there's still things that come to me. You know, it's so funny. I think that happened at the Friars Club.

He called me up one day. He says, you ought to tell me. I need a call. You know, I need a judgment day. He says, you ought to tell me. I need a call. I need a judgment call. He says, tell me if this is too strong. He says, I got no respect. I got a parrot calls me Jew bastard. I said, I don't know if it's too strong.

It's the funniest thing I ever heard. So I'm telling that story in the Friars Club to somebody. And Dick Capri stands up, leans over and says, Martling, because I said, to tell you the truth, and then we lost track. So I don't even know if it made it into his act. He goes, Capri goes, that not only made it into his act, that was the signal joke.

If Rodney was on stage doing his act, when he decided he was getting off stage, if he did that joke, that meant he only had a few jokes to go. So if you were in his dressing room getting a blowjob, it was time to get out of the dressing room. And I'm like, whoa. And the people I'm with, I said, look, he just walked over. You can't make this up.

You can't make this. Oh, God. You knew Joe Ansis, Gil? You'd met him? I had never spoken to Joe. I just remember Rodney, he would stop into catch with Joe Ansis. Right, right, right. Yeah.

And Joe would tell him how the jokes went. Yeah. He's kind of a legend. I mean, this guy that inspired Will Jordan and Buddy Hackett and all these people, but he never got on stage himself. You unlocked the key! I mean, that was the key. You just did it. What was that?

Before we get out of here, you reminded me of what was going on. Ah, good. What was that? Before we get out of here, you reminded me of what was going on. Ah, good. Frankie was friends with Rodney and Lenny Bruce and all those guys, and they all loved Joe, you know, and they all tried to get him to go on stage. And this, I wasn't obviously part of this.

You heard from people. But Frankie was best friends with Will Jordan. It turns out Will Jordan comes from a lot of money. And so he did show business because he loved it. He lives above a dally on 45th Street. Will Jordan, we a lot of money. And so he did show business because he loved it. He still lives above at Daly on 45th Street. Will Jordan, we got to get him. Have you guys ever had Woody Woodbury? No, we got to get him too.

He's so funny and I'm still in touch with him. We used to steal jokes from each other in 1979. I can't believe he's still alive. He had Who Do You Trust before Carson. Oh, wow. Whoa, way back. And you better get him tomorrow.

I remember seeing a movie late at night on some cable station. A beach movie. Yeah, Woody Woodbury and Ellen Burstyn. Right. Wow. And all the kids are running around like it's spring break or something. So at any rate, these guys are all friends. And Frankie says, you got to look up Will Jordan.

He's great. Now, I'm friends with Frankie. And at the time, I'm making a real lot of money or a real lot of money for me. And I love this guy, Frankie. And he was hanging out with Jackie Gale. And I sent Frankie a couple hundred bucks and said, you know, go out to dinner with Jackie Gale and tell him I'm his biggest fan that fucking Bonanza thing that's enough and he was so thrilled because he had no money

they're going out and they're toasting me and I never met Jackie Gale but I'm buying him dinner so I look up Will Jordan and me and my friend David Friedman who owns Magno Sound and Will Jordan we go to the Friars Club. And you have them on, you're going to be freaked out.

He ordered just shrimp cocktail, and me and David got a full dinner. And in the course of an hour and a half, Will ate probably two of the shrimps. Most of them were on his front. They fell out of his mouth. And he went, it was like one sentence, but he'd start a story and leave it off and start this story and then start this story.

But he'd circle back and get this one. And he talked about the mechanics of what he did. Now, he was the first guy to do Ed Sullivan. Oh, yeah. And when anybody else did Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan didn't do any of the shit that Will did. They were doing an impression of him. Yeah. And when anybody else did Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan didn't do any of the shit that Will did. They were doing an impression of him. Yeah.

But he went on. But every story he started, he circled around and finished it. And it was, you know what? I never saw him. I thought once in a while I'd call him on the phone. And I never wound up seeing him again. He's still alive, though. And we've threatened to get together a few times.

But he calls me up one day he says they put it out they put out the Ed Sullivan biography and I'm you know and I'm on a couple pages you know and I'm Will's my friend so I'm gonna buy this horrible Ed Sullivan biography you got to read it I'm I'm reading this going I can't believe how it's it's fucking fascinating the guy wanted to be a famous actor everything you it's completely flip-flopped anything you anything you ever thought of that guy he just had to give up but he wanted to be a show business guy and everything like that and so and he'll tell you the story well we'll he'll flabbergast we got to get him i i i know

like everybody who imitated because for a while everyone everyone did an Ed Sullivan, and they were all imitating Will Jordan. Right, right. And he never, you know what he did? Really big shoe. When I met him, what he was doing, he was working corporate gigs. You know how the people have speakers like a— Oh, he would do General Patton. General Patton.

Motivational speeches as general patent. That's right. Yeah. I mean, George C. Scott. I can't make that shit up, you know. He did a great James Mason, too. Oh, yeah. He'll talk to you about the mechanics of doing James.

The mechanics of it. Doesn't in Broadway, Danny Rose. And he was, it's so funny. Like with imitations, that's another form of stealing because everyone who ever did Carson was doing Rich Little's Carson. Everyone who did Nixon did David Fry's Nixon. Because they pulled out the essences. Yeah.

You know, talk about impressions. Like Fred always did impressions. And when Fred got an impression down really well, you know, Howard would make it his own. But he'd be so funny. One of the funniest things Howard ever said, you know, we had so many moles everywhere. And a guy called up and he said, I'm driving Sammy Davis Jr. And I got his hotel room number. So we're like, what are we going to hit him with?

And so Howard calls Sammy Davis Jr. The only guy who has the number is the limo guy. And Sammy gets out of the bathtub and answers the phone. I'm sure they replay it on the show all the time. Sammy, this is Howard Stern. He goes, what? No preamble, man? I mean, like he didn't know he was calling or anything like that.

And in a stroke of brilliance, you could almost see the light bulb go on over his head. And I wish I had a thought or a friend. He goes, Sammy, have you heard? He's doing a Sammy Davis impression. He says, Billy Crystal's been doing us. And it was fucking brilliant. That's great. Just brilliant.

And the other thing, Ted Kennedy was always in the news. And Joan was in the news because she was drunk all the time and getting in accidents and everything. And all of a sudden, Robin would do something about Joan and Howard would start doing Ted. And he'd go, era, era. And the timing was because he would go on, era. And people were like, wow, his timing. It was nothing to do with timing. He's going, era, until me and Fred think of something to write down to get him to say.

And then we put it up, and he's, era, era, era, era. You know, just hysterical. I know I went too long here. Good stuff. Now, here's something I guess everyone wants to know. What caused you leaving Howard? I wanted more money. Yeah.

I wanted more money. They were making so much money and well you're a comic yeah if i call you up and say do you want to work in alaska you don't say no you say for two hundred thousand dollars yeah and then they say what are you out of your mind and you didn't say no to the gig if they said two hundred thousand dollars you're gonna go yeah so i said you know i couldn't walk away from that job that was so great but i was so fried i knew i had to get divorced. There was no – there was so many links in the chain, and I drew a line in the sand in my head that I wanted, and they just wouldn't negotiate with me.

And after two months of not – you know, they went back and forth twice. They moved the needle a teeny bit, and then, you know, we weren't even that far apart, but they just wouldn't play ball. And then two months later, I just— You were there 18 years, Jack? Three years for free. Yeah. One day a week for free for three years. And then the worst thing about the whole thing is after a couple months, I felt really shitty because I used to brag that, you know, this morning I went to work and it was me and Fred and Howard and Robin.

That's who was there the day I walked in. And that's who was there this morning because – and no show lasts like that, you know. And then I screwed it up and I'm like – and it wasn't like I miss being famous or I miss the money. It was only two months later. I'm still flying. And I said, call him up and tell him if the job is still available, I'll come back. So my lawyer called Tom Chisano and said, Jack, he said he'll take the offer that's on the table.

This is two months later. And I called Howard and said, listen, my lawyer called Tom. He told him if the offer's still there, you know, I'll come back. And Howard said, that's good to know. We'll get back to you. And Tom told Larry, my lawyer, we'll get back to you either way. Still waiting for the call. Wow'll get back to you. And Tom told Larry, my lawyer, we'll get back to you either way. Still waiting for the call. Wow.

Not a call back. I guess I deserved it on some level, but it's American as apple pie. I'm making $10 an hour. Boss, I want $13 an hour. We don't want to pay that. All right, I'm leaving. And it's one of these things like, you know, people are saying, you know, God, what an idiot Jackie is because he said. And I was always thinking like, well, if they had said yes, would you have been an idiot?

You know, that you would have gotten more money. Right. That you wanted. And I was so I really was. You get up at 430 in the morning for 15 years. I mean, you did the show enough times that, you know,

it's just, it's your life. And I couldn't go to sleep, you know, I couldn't get in bed at 7.30 and go to sleep. You know, lawn order's on at 10 o'clock

and we're watching it and then all of a sudden they tease the news. Like, you know, there wasn't a night that I didn't go, one, two, three, all one two three i'm gonna get four and a half hours oh yeah like yeah because i was the idiot and i couldn't come home and take a nap

you know what the greatest thing is if i had got it together to come home from work and take a nap i'd still be there because i would have been plenty rested up but i couldn't make myself take a nap and now i'm 67 years old and all I want to do is take a nap. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think is when could I lie down? So they came back and got me, Frankie.

They came back and got me. I always touched when I heard you say you missed the laughter, that you laughed every day. It's an unnatural thing for four or five people to sit in a room and roar for five hours, and that's what you miss. Not money, not fame, not nothing. It's like if I go into a bar and I'm telling jokes. You do a show for 500 people and you kill them. That's great.

But if I'm telling jokes to five guys at the bar and I bury them, that's as big a high as working to 800. You know, when you get a laugh, it's just funny. When I make you laugh, you know, that's everything to me. Like the other night, I was in such a good mood when we did the show because I told him a horrible Hitler joke and he just loved it. So fun. Good stuff. Because it's funny i remember those days of howard stern where which it seems like so long but it was like i come in in the morning and i'd be like half asleep and i didn't feel like talking and then when when, you know, like two minutes into it, you were out of your mind.

You didn't know what you were saying and you were just laughing. But then you walk out. Oh, yeah. And you crash. Yeah. Okay. I just want to tell people I have a Twitter.

Yes. Every day at 4.20 p.m. marijuana time, I tweet every day at 4 20 p.m marijuana time i tweet a joke at jackie martling some jokes are better than others obviously but it's 140 characters it's fun and i'm doing vegas laughs 2016 uh on april 23rd with uh uh dane cook and dave attell and and bobby slayton who love, and Sutter and John. So that's the only plugs I got. And you're working on a book, aren't you? Yeah.

You know, I got a literary agent. She just wrote me – I have an agent, but the girl who's putting together the proposal just wrote me this note, like, you know, hang on to your hats. You're sitting on a bestseller, you know. But it's not crummy. I know they're going to say say now you go home and write some dirt there isn't dirt everybody knows everything about howard you know it's about man it's about life about comedians you know and the funny stories i the funny story you know some everybody doesn't like show business stories but we do yeah now before before i wrap, tell us the most disgusting joke. My niece and nephew love this joke.

I almost told you this before. I'm sure you know it, but I don't care. There's a little old lady standing at the bar, and a little old guy comes walking, and he sees her. He goes up and says, can I buy you a drink? She says, I like that. He buys her a drink, and they drink their drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I buy you another drink?

I like that. They have a few drinks. All of a sudden, he's got his arm around her. He's kind of nuzzling her. Got his nose in her ear, you know. Here, here, another drink. Yeah, I like that. They have a few drinks, and they're getting in her ear, you know. Here, another drink? Yeah, I'd like that. They have a few drinks, so they're getting close.

And, you know, snuggling a little bit. He says, you want to come back to my place? She says, I'd like that. So they leave, and they're walking along the sidewalk. And she says, you know, I think I should tell you something. He says, what's that? She says, I have arthritis. He says, well, I care. We're old. She says, I have arthritis.

I can't. We're old. Arthritis doesn't bother me. I have arthritis. I have arthritis. They get to the guy's house. They sit on the couch. They start making out like teenagers. French kissing. Hickies. He's got his hand up

her back. He unhooks her bra with one hand like an eighth grader. Her tits, boom, fall down like that. Right next thing you know, he's unzipping. She's feeling his crotch. He's fingering hand up her back. He unhooks her bra with one hand like an eighth grader. Her tits, boom, fall down like that. Right next thing you know, he's unzipping. She's feeling his crotch. She's fingering. Next thing you know, these two old-timers are on the floor, and they're naked. And he goes down on her. And it's horrible.

He's like, huge. What the hell's going on down here? It smells terrible. She says, I told you I have arthritis. He says, is that what arthritis smells like down here? She says, no, I got it in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass. Okay.

You got your wish there, Gil. Yes. Okay. You got your wish there, Gil. Yes. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre here at Nutmeg Post with Frank Furtarosa helping us out. Thank you, Frankie. And we've had on Jackie the Joke Man Martling.

Thank you, Jackie. Jack, you're the greatest. It's as much fun as I've ever had for an hour. And Gilbert, you're an icon, and I've always loved you to death. And I'm so flattered to be here. Thank you. Thank you, bud. Fuck you, Frank.

All right. We'll do another one. We'll come back and talk about Parky Carcass. I got a million. I never told my midget story. We'll have you back. We know where to find you. You know where I am.

I come in, somebody cancels, I'm going to get you Woody Woodbury and whoever else. Yeah, Will Jordan. Oh, yeah. And Will Jordan.

Thank you, Jack. Thanks, guys. Also, no rush.