Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Amazing Colossal 300th Episode!

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

To celebrate the podcast's 300th episode, Frank, aided by questions from callers and an in-studio audience, interviews Gilbert about his 50-year career in the entertainment business, covering his early stand-up days, his brief stints on "Saturday Night Live" and "Thicke of the Night" and his memorable movie roles, including Iago, Sidney Bernstein, Igor Peabody and the unforgettable "Man on Porch." Also, Lorne Michaels gives props, Larry David clears the room, Ben Gazzara enjoys a laugh and Humphrey Bogart visits the post office. PLUS: "Meet Wally Sparks"! "The Horn Blows at Midnight"! Marty Allen disses Paul Lynde! Lou Costello stars in "Citizen Kane"! And Gilbert shares the screen with Ryan Gosling! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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with 24 layers of croissant flakiness twisted with fancy donut fun. Get ready to go all out for less. When Dan gives me a thumbs up, we go. We go? I'm going to do it like you. Hi! This is Frank Santopadre, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast's 300th episode. Well, people said this show would never succeed, and one of those people is sitting right next to me.

Yes. He's an actor, voice actor, voiceover artist, infrequent joke writer, and one of the most admired and popular stand-up comedians of his generation. Of any generation, I would say. Please welcome Yakov Smirnoff. You know him from TV shows like Thick of the Night, Saturday Night Live. Were you on Saturday Night Live? Oh, yeah.

The Cosby Show, Night Court, Mad About You, Sesame Street, 30 Rock, Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, Family Guy, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and, of course, Norman's Corner. I'm going to do this when I do the punchline. You've also seen his outstanding work in motion pictures including Beverly Hills Cop 2, Problem Child, Aladdin, The Aristocrats, A Million Ways to Die in the West, The Comedian and Sharknado 5 Global Swarming.

In a long and mostly successful showbiz career that started over 50 years ago, we forgot to celebrate your 50th year in show business. Oh. 2019. Jeez.

He's portrayed everyone from Adolf Hitler to Abraham Lincoln to Santa Claus, and he's worked with everyone from Eddie Murphy to John Travolta to Paul Rayburn.

He's also the co-host of this very podcast and his probing, insightful interview questions about the deer population in Suffolk County remain the stuff of legend. Please welcome podcast guest number 300, a genuine comedy icon and a man who once said he could happily masturbate to the sight of

80-year-old Betty Davis in a short skirt. The one, the only, Gilbert Gottfried. See, this is how you know we are officially out of guests. Gino's guest on 301. I want to start by wishing you a happy anniversary. Oh, thank you. And Dara, who's sitting here. Number 13, right, Dara?

What did you get your wife for your anniversary? Well, that just cheapens it. I have to. Should we attempt to conduct an actual interview? I don't know. What do you think? No. You want to stay in the format?

We're going to take some questions. We've got callers, too. So we're going to mix it up. These people were nice enough to come out. Eric Fusco is here. Dave Milstein. These wonderful people came out to see you to celebrate your anniversary. You want to start at the beginning?

Okay. What do you remember about your birth? your anniversary. You want to start at the beginning? Okay. What do you remember about your birth? I want to ask you something I've never asked you. I know that you and Arlene went to the comedy club when you were 15, and that was 1969.

So it was 50 years ago. Yeah, I went there with Arlene and Karen. And both your sisters. And you don't remember the name of the club. No! That I should remember, but I don't. Going back a step, and I know you watched Rodney and Rickles and you watched the Carson

show religiously. Was there a point, was there a turning point where you watched these people on television and said it occurred to you on some level, I could do this? Not at any real point. No. It's like, I love when people have stories that say, and at that point, I knew, and I thought, real life isn't like one

point. There wasn't an actual turning point, an actual moment. Yeah. In time. Not a moment. I just would watch them. I'd start doing imitations of people I saw on TV and movies. Which leads me to the next question, and I think I've asked you this in the past. What do you remember from the first set? Or your early act, because I know it was impression heavy. Yeah, yeah. It was basically around that time period of, you know, there was still impressionist on TV. Now that's a thing, you know, fine.

Now it's a dying art. Yeah. Yeah. Like the whole idea of, and, you know, if your waiter was Cary Grant, it might go something. They do the full turn. Yeah, they do the turn. And come back in character.

Adjust the collar, move their shoulders, mush up their hair. Yeah, yeah. And do a full turn. Yeah, they do the turn. And come back in character. Adjust the collar, move their shoulders, mush up their hair. Yeah, yeah. And do a whole thing. But so it was basically that. I remember I was doing Boris Karloff and Humphrey Bogart and Groucho Marx. At 15.

Yeah. And so my act was dated even back then. How do you master a Humphrey Bogart impression or a Boris Karloff impression at 15? Yeah. Yeah, it's hard because your voice can't even drop that low. Right. Yeah. It's one of the reasons that I'm happy we had Rich Little and Will Jordan and Marilyn

Michaels and people like that on the show to keep this alive. I mean, and we had a ventriloquist. We had Willie Tyler and Lester. Because this is the old showbiz that we love that's virtually vanishing. Do you have any specific memories of the first night? Did you do well? Was it so-so? Like I always say, I may have done badly, but were too stupid to know.

Right. So I came back and then in the beginning it wasn't constantly going back and then somewhere along the way i said i think i better go every night and then you started to get addicted to it in your words yeah you got then i i did it's like there could be like a snowstorm or a transit strike. I'd find some way. You had to get up. Yeah, yeah.

At what point did you start to become known as somebody who didn't mind if he cleared the room? They used to call you a comics comic, which is a compliment, which means that other comedians, like Belzer and the other people who were around, Paul Reiser in those days, the people who were around would stick around, the comics would stick around to watch your act because it was... Yeah, it's like, well, the story I always tell is,

like, I started doing Seinfeld when he was just another comic hanging around. He was never on TV. Improv, comic strip days. And I would do him. And all the other in the back of the room were all like comics and weights there. And they'd be laughing when I did imitations of him. And Seinfeld would be angrily pacing the bar going,

That doesn't sound anything like me. So it was a drug at that point because you've used the word addiction. Yeah. You had to go up. And we're not talking about prime sets. We're talking about at that stage of the game, 2 o'clock in the morning, 3 o'clock in the morning three o'clock in the morning often yeah seven people yeah i i just fewer people that are in this room right now yeah i i had to do it yeah and um uh yeah and i i i remember they used to like sometimes put me up at three in the morning

just to get rid of whatever people were there. What was the difference between you walking the crowd and Larry David walking the crowd? Well, he would actually get into fights with people. Okay. He would be angry up there the minute he got on stage, and he would often break into an argument with someone in the audience. My favorite moment there was one time he was yelling back and forth between this angry, drunken guy. And the guy yells to Larry, he goes, oh, yeah?

Well, my dog fucks your mother. And Larry says, well, I bet your dog doesn't enjoy it. But you weren't directly confrontational with the audience. No, no. And one time, Larry was on stage and this guy stood up because they were going to go outside. And the guy stood up and it's like one of those guys where they never stop standing up.

They just get higher and higher. And finally the staff broke in and I think got him another drink, everything on the house. And you said about Larry in those days that you thought he would end up one of two ways. Yeah. He would either be a billionaire or homeless. You were right. Yeah.

Yeah. You were right. What point did you decide, I mean, I'm doing this to please myself as opposed to doing it to please an audience? When I was masturbating, I didn't do that to please myself. Comics who get up every night will tell you there's not a big, as you're developing the voice and as you're developing the act, there's not a big difference between killing and bombing because at some point it becomes about the art of doing it and the discipline of doing it. Was that part of the addiction?

Yeah, it was a weird thing because, you know, you'd go on, and it's, well, what's always schizophrenic about, and the irony of it is you go into show business because there's half of you that says i'm great and the entire world is going to be worshiping me and then the other half that's oh please love me and so it's like both of those. Was there, and I know I'm not going to ask you for a specific point in time or a specific date, was there a moment as you were 16 and 17, you were obviously getting up, 19, 20, was there a moment that it occurred to you, I could even make a living doing this? And then you had to present that to your folks, which I assume you did at some point.

and then you had to present that to your folks, which I assume you did at some point. Well, I guess they knew early on I was going there. And for the people who don't know, your dad owned a hardware store. Your dad was a working man. Yeah, he's someone who actually got his hands dirty. Right. And so when you came to them with this information,

I think I want to be a performer. I, you know, the funny thing is, it's like you don't understand who your parents are until you have kids. And then all of a sudden you go, ooh, okay, that's what they were doing all that time. And now that I have kids i think wow i think going into show business is an insane idea having said that max was just on the daily show last yes see he's the one in the family who's getting work right yeah what what was their reaction

you have any any memory of it i I just, I think they just, I remember one time saying I was going to go back again, and both of them were saying no. They want you to find a vocation, something to fall back on? Yes, yes, yes. You rejected that. I understand that, too, because it's like, if you say, if my kid said said we're going in show business, I would think, well, yeah, but if that makes no sense.

But if you went to a trash can on the street and took out some bottles and turn them in for a five cent refund, that does make sense. But they obviously didn't discourage you at any point. Yeah. I guess, yeah. I want to talk about the first time I saw you, which was I was still in high school. You had maybe just around the time that the original SNL was making the transition. And you were in the 1980 cast? I saw you for the first time

in the comic strip in 1979, and I remember parts of the act that are probably still in the act. Yes, exactly! Say, how many of you remember the big ship? You did the John Wayne Gacy bit about the bodies buried in the attic?

Yes, yes, yes. I said when they, because he was the serial killer. Yeah, from Chicago. The clown. Right. And I remember in the act, it used to be that when they were arresting him, they arrested him because they found 33 bodies buried in his basement. And he said, those were there when I bought the house.

When I bought it, there was a fireplace, a bathtub, and 33 bodies in in the basement and i think the rest of the bit is what am i supposed to do go find the guy yeah you did the ben gazzara bit yes which is which you you're probably still doing that bit no i surprisingly haven't done that he's been dead, what, 10 years now, Ben Gazzara? Yeah. So you do occasionally retire things. But I remember some guy was interviewing Ben Gazzara. And the guy was familiar with my act as the interviewer. And he said, do you know this comedian Gilbert Gottfried? Ben Gazzara is smoking a cigar. And he goes oh oh yeah

with the eyes and and he says he tells him the bit that I do and he said that Ben Gersar cracked up and he goes that's funny to an 18 year old kid

I had never seen comedy like this I mean I knew I was a Saturday Night Live fan I was a Monty Python fan I knew what surrealism was obviously I was a National Lampoon reader but I couldn't believe that a guy was standing on stage

building an entire piece of comedy around a Ben Gazzara punchline which is ultimately a piece of anti-comedy because it's not really even a punchline. Yeah. Right. Do you want to do the bit? See, now we know what the punchline is.

We'll do it in reverse. The bit was I was walking in the country and I saw there was a large object spinning through space and when it landed it was a flying saucer and then the door opened up and a ramp appeared and out of the ship emerged greenish gray extraterrestrial creatures. They stared at me with their unblinking red orbs. And one who appeared to be the leader stepped forward and spoke and said, Ben Gazzara's a good actor. Why can't he get a series? How could you retire that?

How could you take that out of the... You also did Ted Bessel in the Georgie Jessel story. Yeah, if I remember the name, yes. Which included the line I didn't even understand because it was a little bit of Yiddish. It was, the Jewish press says... Yeah, yeah, because I was doing it as a movie. Right.

And I was saying, you know, greatest film ever, Variety, Blockbuster, New York Times. The Jewish press says we like Bissell, but only Abyssal. That's the joke I didn't get. For the Jewish people in the room. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only.

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You also did a couple of my other favorites, and you did these for years, because I would then follow you. I would go to see you at Caroline's, the long-gone Caroline's at the seaport. And you did long sets in those days. Yes. And you did things like Chico Marx in Psycho.

Oh, yeah. Jerry Seinfeld in Hamlet. Luke Costello in Citizen Kane. You did that great bit about the lever that destroys the Frankenstein castle. Yes. Having the architect put that in when he builds tickets. I used to go to the mic and I'd yell, don't pull that lever. It'll blow up the castle.

And I goes, yeah, when I bought the castle, they said, you want a lever to blow it up? Because if I don't do it, then you're going to have to find somebody to install it, and it's going to cost a lot more. Because I loved the horror films that had a lever to pull. And I would say, why would... And then I'd go, oh, also in the bit, I would go, now I have to be really careful that I don't throw my jacket on it when I walk in. You still doing any of those?

Do you still do the lobster trick-or-treating for the plankton? Oh, I haven't done that for a while. Yeah. We had a conversation. I approached you at the bar at Caroline's at the Seaport, and we had a 20-minute conversation about Tor Johnson. And that's the first time we spoke. And then we wound up working together in

1992. Was this the... Caroline's Comedy Hour. Yes! I was a writer on that show, and we brought you on to play Robert Redford in an indecent proposal parody. And I cherish that

tape. It's great. It's you attacking people with a pool cue and a tuxedo. And I cherish that tape. It's great. It's you attacking people with a pool cue and a tuxedo. And my parents were there. So they're in the shot. So I'm very sentimental about that. Was it twice? Because then there was also, there was that one. Yeah.

And then, was it another one I did with Rich Janney? You did, it was the same bit. It was Let's Make a Deal. You came on as Robert Redford in a talk and then you offered him what was behind the curtain if you could spend the night with his wife or with his girlfriend

at the time. We're going to take a couple of calls but before we do that, I want to hear, I think the crowd wants to hear too now that we set it up, just a little bit of Chico Marx and Psycho. Oh, okay. Well, I was doing everybody with a one word. I still do this.

You still do the Lugosi bit about someone asking him the time? Yeah, yeah. Well, the first one was Humphrey Bogart in the post office. Shhh, damn, the first one was Humphrey Bogart in the post office. Stamps. Stamps. And Humphrey Bogart buying a cute stuffed animal. Snoopy. Lou Castello in citizen kane well this is where he's i i'm acting like i'm holding uh

you know one of those uh snowballs right the snow globe yes snow globes and chico marks in Psycho. Oh, sure, we got plenty of rooms. That's my favorite. That's my favorite. That made me so happy when I was 20 years old. And then also in that was Chico Marx in 12 Angry Men. Oh, yes.

Oh, sure. He's a plenty guilty. And Chico Marx in Hamlet. Hey, you're not my father. And to cap it off, because I remember your act better than you do, Chico Marx in A View from the Bridge.

Oh. Oh, uh, uh. Hey, this is a sun bridge, eh? Oh, and Chico Marx in Waiting for Godot. This is going to be a one-man show. Hey, it's getting late, eh? You want to take a couple of phone calls? Okay.

And then we'll come back to this craziness. Dan, do we have anybody on the line? Yeah, we have Catherine in California. A question about Penn Jillette. A woman. Ah. So rare that women call this show or reach out to this show. Catherine, we're here.

Welcome to the show. Can you hear're here. Welcome to the show. Hello, long-time caller, first-time patron patron. Oh, well, thank you for supporting us on Patreon. That's very sweet. Say hi to Gilbert and wish him a happy anniversary. Hi, Gilbert. Happy anniversary.

Thank you. I didn't say, oh, thank you. He did not say, oh, thank you. What's the question? I didn't say, oh, thank you. He did not say, oh, thank you. What's the question about Penn Jillette? Well, first I wanted to ask, do you remember me, Gilbert? I'm the spick that you called a guinea last year, I want to say. The what? The spick that he called a guinea the last time I called.

It certainly sounds like me. the last time I called. It certainly sounds like me. So you're a speaker I called to Guinea? Was this at your request or did he just... I'm sorry if I accuse you of being Italian.

To me, that's the worst thing you could say to another human being. Very good. What's the question? I treasured it. I treasured it. She treasures being insulted. Okay, Gilbert. Do you remember, oh, geez, this was 14 years ago, back when Penn Jillette had a radio show.

Yeah. You were on a few times, Gilbert, but one time you went on and Penn did not have his co-host on there. And you guys just riffed for like 40 minutes, just talking about the greatest things. Started doing like an old McDonald's song on Floyd the Barber how he had a stroke. Sounds like him. Any memory of this? Yeah, yeah. Well, anything that has to do with stuff like that.

What's the bit about Floyd the Barber having a stroke? Oh, okay. Because I do, well, first I do Bob Dylan talking to Floyd the Barber. And it's like, hello, Floyd. Hello, Bob. Hello, you, Floyd.

I'm fine. Bob. Would you give me a hug, Floyd? And then I do, and see, this is a sight gag, where I go, Bob Dylan talking to Floyd the Barber in the season after he had a stroke. Oh, great. And I go, hello, Floyd. And then I just do like my hand by my side and my mouth opening and closing. Because Floyd.

Yeah, he did. Yeah, he had a stroke. Howard McNair was the name of that actor. And you could see in a lot of the Andy Griffith shows where he's like sitting in the barber chair. Yeah, he didn't stand up after that. Yeah, and he'd have one hand holding a newspaper like he's sitting in his own barber chair. Like, I guess it's a slow time in the day or something. We do a lot of stroke humor on this podcast.

I've noticed. Catherine, thanks so much for your question and for calling in and for supporting the show. Thank you. We appreciate it. We'll take one more quick one, Dan, before I go back to the cards. All right. Here is Jeff on Meeting Your Comedy Icons. Jeff on Meeting Your Comedy Icons.

I'm like Ed McMahon repeating everything. Jeff, you're on the show. Say hi to Gilbert. Hey, Gilbert. How's it going? Hi. Guys, I'm a super fan of the show, and you guys are doing a real service, and you're just a national treasure.

So thank you both so much for what you do, first of all. It's true. Very sweet. What is your question, Jeff? So, Gilbert, I know you got started in comedy at a young age, so I assume you met your comedy heroes and comedy icons at a young age. So who was the first comedy superstar that you met, and what was that encounter like?

What were you thinking and feeling when you met your comedy hero? First comedy superstar that you encountered. I mean, most of them were dead when I was, yeah. It's like, but I, let's see. Well, you met Hackett. You met a lot of these guys. I did. You met Jerry Lewis, became a fan of yours, obviously. Yeah met Hackett You met a lot of these guys I did You met Jerry Lewis

Became a fan of yours obviously Yeah Hackett I met Any young man you met Many times And Hackett

Cracking yourself up Tell us A story Sorry to stump the band Yeah well Hang on He's got a Hackett story Okay Hackett Tell us a story. Sorry to stump the band. Yeah, well. Hang on. He's got a Hackett story. Okay.

Hackett tells a story about, you know, because he was well known. Is this a Gino Salamone story? Fuck him. That. that that Bing Crosby used to beat his kids yeah and someone said to Buddy Hackett

did you know that Bing Crosby used to beat his kids and Buddy Hackett said, you want to know why Bing Crosby beat his kids? Because Bing Crosby couldn't get a high on. So that made me picture Bing Crosby with a pipe going, well, I can't get a boner. Jeff, does that answer your question?

I love it. That's the best answer I could possibly hope for. Thank you for the call and the kind words. We appreciate it. Jerry Lewis. Thanks for everything, guys. Thanks, man. He's one of those people I can use that classic line.

Right, sure. Well, he was always nice to me. You know, that always says so much. And the best thing I heard he said to me was one time I was doing a show. He was like the man of honor. It was like a roast. And after I got off stage, Jerry Lewis came up to me with that stern Jerry Lewis face and goes, Gilbert, you are out of your fucking mind.

And then there was a pause, and he said, and I wouldn't want you any other way. And I thought, you can't ask for a better compliment. You made it. You made it in show business. Since I brought up Saturday Night Live, and when I saw you on stage in 1979, you were just about to get that gig.

Yeah. Which you called, you've often said it was like following the Beatles. Yeah. And with four strangers. Yeah. It was either like the Beatles or when, like in the middle of Beatlemania, the Beatles left and you said, we're continuing the Beatles without them. Or if, if when... Replacing them with Beatlemania. Yeah.

Or if when Friends was at its peak, if the whole cast, if it was recast. You were young. You were 25? Yeah. Did you have any idea what was happening to you? That now you've been in stand-up 10 years and suddenly you're working at 30 Rock on the most high-profile comedy show on television. You know what shows how dumb I was

and how unrealistic and out of it I was? Like, I heard people talking about how they got, they were nervous, they were, you know, having a fit, like, auditioning for saturday night live and they hated everybody in the room as their competition and and i remember i wasn't at all nervous and i didn't care that there were a billion other people there. When they announced I got it to me, I was like, oh, all right. And that's how unrealistic, totally, yeah, yeah, like someone with a normal brain in their head would have been nervous.

Well, you were young. I mean, it's something that an older person might have more appreciation for or more self-awareness. You were just, you know, you were playing the game. You were, what, 10 years into this? And it's like when they announced, when they told me I was fired. Oh, the firing was a great thing because they fired the producer fired the the producer gene dominion and um uh and that was also i remember the way i found that out is i was sitting in uh some empty office

with eddie murphy and you know it wasn't all right we're just hanging out there and then some guy sticks his head in the door and he goes oh uh uh Eddie uh so and so like a big name there an exec uh wants to talk to you and he he picks up the phone. He goes, yeah. Huh? Oh, shit. And he goes, no, no, no, no. I won't tell anybody. And then before the phone's even back hung up, he says they just fired Jean. And then so they, she was fired. They got in. Dick Ebersole.

Dick Ebersole. Dick Ebersole announced to us us i'm just making a few minor changes you'll take the week off and then he was having people come in his office one after another one at a time and i was hanging out there to wait to go in and they used to have a table that had uh i love that story and i pick up a letter there i see addressed to me from some girl in omaha and i open it up and it says dear gilbert i'm so happy i'm so unhappy about what happened to you so she knew before i even knew the woman who sent you fan mail yes from where yeah oklahoma yeah somehow knew you were getting the short haircut and and and i remember after that also the unrealistic thing i didn't feel terrible you said you weren't devastated. No, I wasn't devastated. The only thing, the only other unrealistic thing that I realized later,

I thought, oh, God, everybody's going to remember me as that guy from Saturday night. And now I feel like they forget you right away. And if they do remember you, I could say I was in any season I want. Right. Say you were an original member. Say it was you, Aykroyd, and Belushi. I could mix up. Sure.

And it's, to me, kind of like those movies you watch with the cavemen fighting the dinosaurs. They were millions of years apart but in everyone's mind that's what i like the way you've sort of dined out on snl being one of your worst jobs one of the low points in your almost the way jack benny talks about the horn blows at midnight yes or gleason referring to the game show the failed game show but when you did come back for the 40th reunion, was it? Yeah. The 40th reunion show.

What did Lorne Michaels say to you? That was shocking. Well, first of all, he just said hello to me. Which was because he had never. I'd run into him once before. I'd never spoken to him. And he said, oh, good to see you here. to him and he said oh good to see

you here and I thought I said well yeah I'm amazed I was invited back after my season and he said well you're another brick in this wall. It's nice.

And I want to thank you for booking on the podcast all the people that you hung out with that night on the show. I thought Eddie Penny Marshall and Jim Carrey were three of our best shows. Do we have to break for something? Oh, you need to take a pill. I could do that without... Any pill?

Yeah, just anything at all. Like a St. Joseph's baby aspirin? No, this is a pill I got from Adolf Eichmann. All our podcast guests stopped to take a pill about halfway through the show. You know, by the way, I've had a hard time finding SNL on your IMDb page. I know you don't control that, but it was interesting. I was very happy about that. It made me think that somehow there was a conspiracy. I never see reruns of it, which makes me ecstatic.

The first thing I found on there was Toast of Manhattan with Paul Reiser. Yes. I couldn't find. And I sung it to him, and he didn't remember it. I remember I was doing one character that was described as a middle-aged man. And this was like, between the producer and makeup artist, this was middle-aged if, you know, Dorian Gray. On the Riser Show or SNL? On Toast of Manhattan.

Oh, Toast of Manhattan. Toast of Manhattan, by the way, to bring people up to speed, was a failed pilot that Barry Levinson created. You gave him shit when we had him on the show. It was you, Carol Leifer, Paul Reiser. Didn't go anywhere. It was a sort of an Ed Sullivan show, a backstage look at a popular Saturday Night Variety show.

It was kind of like the Muppet show but people. Right. And you were playing an old man in an old man makeup well and I

while I was doing that character I did on stage which you didn't mention which one when I used to break into

well I used to call him Murray Abramowitz I during my act I put on a big pair of glasses

now I don't have to buy glasses. I forgot about Murray. Now I'm already wearing those glasses. The Swifty Lazar glasses with the giant. Swifty Lazar, Ed McMahon, and Dean Martin. And Harry Carey. Yeah. Right.

And I would put on the glasses every so often in the act and go, that's not funny. Why does he think that's funny? That's not a joke. Are you still doing, this is off the page, are you still doing the turtle bit with the plastic palm tree? I haven't done it for a while, but I'll have to bring it all back. I was in Canada and the guy remembered every bit that I did

and he wanted to hear that. So I did it just like, I don't know, a year or two ago. Yeah, the angry turtle with the plastic palm tree. I always love that. Let's take another couple of calls, and then we're going to play a little game.

Dan, who's on the line? All right, we have Morty in Seattle. Morty in Seattle? Bob Denver question. Oh, that again. Always ready for that. Gino may have to field this one. Morty, thanks for calling in.

How are you? I'm doing good. Thank you, Frank. Congratulations, Gilbert, on your 300th anniversary episode. If I may interject, one time I was doing an event

with Grandpa Monster. Eddie Monster. For those of you... For those of you that don't... No, Eddie! It was the afternoon. And he was already drunk.

I want to explain to people what he's doing. Our friend Gino Salamone is here in the room. How about a little hand for our friend Gino, who works very hard on this show and helps book talent on this show and has booked some of our best guests. And the running gag that's going on is Gilbert takes delight in stealing

all of Gino's best anecdotes and best stories and then claiming them as his own. And that's what's actually happening here. One time. Morty, we's actually happening here. One time. Morty, we'll get to you. Hang on. This was my favorite kid show host, Big Lee. And I lived in Milwaukee at the time.

Oh, did you? Who knew? And Big Lee said to me, he said, hey, you know, he talked like that. And he said, you know, we were sitting at a bar and he said, you want to have a scotch? And I said, no, I don't drink. And Big Lee, I remember it like it was yesterday, leaned into me and said, do you have an aversion to cunt? It was pussy. No, it was cunt.

Get this story. He steals the story and makes it his own. It happened to me. He has to put a little Gilbert twist. Let's ask him. I just spied a Tor Johnson shirt right there, speaking of Tor Johnson. Very good. Oh, we forgot who's on the phone.

No, it's Morty from Seattle. Morty, what's your question? One thing, I gave Gilbert a Tor Johnson pin when he was at Como, Washington, in his last comedy tour, by the way. It's coming full circle. Do you remember Morty giving you a Tor Johnson pin when he was at Como Washington in his last comedy tour, by the way. It's coming full circle. Do you remember Morty giving you a Tor Johnson pin in Seattle? Yes.

Morty, he remembers it vividly. What's the question? I'm sure he does. The question is, on Thick at Night, he dressed up as Gilligan. You dressed up as Gilligan on Thick of the Night? Yes, I did. With Bob Denver.

Yeah, Bob Denver was the guest on the show, so I came out dressed as, yeah. And the amount of laughs he's getting is the amount of laughs that got on the fake of the night. Was there an actual question attached to that, Morty? Well, the question is, what is it like imitating somebody in front of the person? That's a good question. What's it like imitating someone right in front of them, in front of the person? The funny thing about that is I didn't actually do an imitation of him. thing about that is I didn't actually do an imitation of him and I even walked up to him and said I'm going to be imitating you on the show you got any pointers and he said uh just say

skipper a lot he offer you a joint Bob Denver I? I wish. He liked his cannabis. We didn't ask Marianne this, but I heard Marianne was procuring marijuana. Why on earth would she answer that truthfully? Yes, I was breaking the law. We did have Don Wells on the show. Thanks so much, Morty, for the question. Thank you for having me.

And thanks for supporting the show, too. We appreciate it. We're going to play a silly little game. This is a variation. We'll do more calls, and then we'll have questions from you guys. We had Doug Benson on the podcast. You guys know who Doug Benson is? He's got a very popular podcast, and he likes to play a lot of games,

and they do that Leonard Maltin game. So as not to disappoint Doug, I came up with a game, and this was, we're calling it Questionable Character, and we did it with Gilbert and Doug, but I thought I would do it with Gilbert because it's fun. Did you, Gilbert, play a character with this name? Let's see how much you remember about your acting career. Yes.

And we did with Doug, we did just features, but I'm going to jump around. Yeah. And we're going to test your memory. And these are super fans. They may know. Yeah. Did you or did you not play a character? This is an easy one.

Did you play a character called Pigman? Pigman? Pigman. Now, that one I don't remember. Okay. It was in a movie called Abnormal Attraction. Oh, okay. With Malcolm McDowell.

Listen to this cast. Malcolm McDowell, Bruce Davison, good actor, and Ron Jeremy. Yeah. How could you forget that? See, so you know it's good. How this movie was never released is beyond me. Escaped. Yeah. It wasn't released. Escaped. Yeah.

It wasn't released. Did you play a character named Mr. Elbow? Dara's shaking her head no. I don't remember that. It was a college humor short. This was me cheating. Yeah. I'm not playing fair here.

Called Practice Kissing Hand Fail. No. No memory of that. Okay. I'm rating your fair here. Called practice kissing hand fail. No. No memory of that. Okay. I'm rating your IMDB page. Did you play a character called Howie Hunsacker? Now, that one sounds familiar. Oh.

But I don't remember for the life of me. You want to say, give me an answer. Give me an answer. No. I walked into that. I mean, did you or did you not play this character? Yes or no? I'll say yes.

Howie Hunsaker is a character from your favorite movie, The Swimmer, played by Bill Fiore. Yes. Bill Fiore was the guy in the old Right Guard commercials who opens the medicine chest. Chuck McGann. Hi, guy. See, and he would, we always say, people who would have been ideal guests. Yeah, that would have been a killer nine-minute interview. With Bill Fiore.

You know who else is in the swimmer? And he's like the guy working this public pool. And I think, and I wonder if he's done anything else. I think they had John Garfield Jr. Really? Yeah. I didn't even see him in the credits

when I was researching this. Yeah. Joan Rivers is in it. Yeah, Joan Rivers is in it. And, uh... Who's seen The Swimmer here? Gilbert recommended it when he was on TCM with Robert Osborne.

Yeah. An interesting film. Yeah. An interesting film. Worth seeing. They make those really strange. Yeah. It was a vanity project that I think Lancaster bankrolled himself.

Yeah. Because he wanted to do it. And, oh, there's another movie. I think it might be like I was a teenage Frankenstein or whatever. It was about some girl Frankenstein monster, Frankenstein's daughter, that I think has someone, a son or daughter of Buster Keaton. I got to look that up. Yeah.

Wow. Did you play a character called Rick the Platypus? Dara's saying yes, you did. That sounds like I did, yeah. Dara's your lifeline in the audience. You did in a cartoon. Did you know the show, Dara? It was called My Gym Partner's a Monkey.

Yeah. I remember the title vaguely. Or maybe it was Gino that played it. Yeah. I recorded it in Milwaukee. And the cast was Grandpa, Butch Patrick, Butch Patrick,

and surprisingly, a kiddie show host, Pick Lee. Grandpa. Butch Patrick. Butch Patrick. And surprisingly, a kiddie show host, Big Lee. He's got the story wrong, right? He's got the Big Lee story wrong. Only a couple more of these. Did you play a character named Mr. Harry Karp?

With a K. I don't know. I'm glad he has such a working knowledge of his own career. Yes, in the classic Rodney Dangerfield movie, Meet Wally Sparks. Wow. That was your character. I didn't even know that character had a name. That's not a good sign.

And it was in the opening of the movie, so there are credits coming up as I'm on screen. And I'm on screen with Julia Sweeney. And we're like some couple. It's supposed to be that he's like one of these Jerry Springer type. Oh, you were a Gonzo talk show host? Like a tabloid? He was. Oh, you were a Gonzo talk show host? Like a tabloid? He was. Oh, he was.

Yeah. I've never seen Meet Wally Sparks. I apologize. Yeah, I did too. Rodney Dangerfield. Yes, I don't have a question about Back by Midnight. Yes. That one I never saw.

I don't know anyone who saw Wally Sparks. Did you play a character named Jack Polluxfen? And I don't know. I don't know anyone who saw Wally Sparks. Did you play a character named Jack Polluxfen? And I'll spell it. P-O-L-L-E-X-F-E-N. I also don't remember. You did not. No. He was the director of one of your favorite movies, The Indestructible Man.

Oh, with Lon Chaney Jr. With Lon Chaney Jr. See, some of these are trick questions. Yeah. Meant to deceive. Okay. So it's Lon Chaney Jr. With Lon Chaney Jr. See, some of these are trick questions. Yeah. Meant to deceive. Okay. So it's Lon Chaney Jr. and... Joe Flynn. Yeah. From McHale's Navy.

Yeah. And Robert Shane from Superman. That's right. And Casey Adams. Also known as Max Showalter. That's right. I've been listening to this show too long. We'll do these quick. Did you

play a character named Amos Kairos or Amos Kairos? It sounds like I would have, but I don't remember. Dara, you have a vote? Yes. Dara says you definitely played a character named Amos Kairos.

And Dara knows your career as well as you do because that's Danny Thomas' real name. Well, there was a movie. In all fairness, there was a movie I did where a woman was shitting on a glass coffee table that I was laying on the knee. last coffee table that I was laying on the knee. So you could understand where I would make a mistake like that.

And last but not least, and maybe least, did you play man on porch? No, it was man on their table. I always... This is what you always get wrong. You played man on porch, is my favorite IMDb credit of yours,

in an Amy Poehler TV movie called Escape from It's a Wonderful Life. Wow, yes, yes, yes. They had me... they were re, they were taking It's a Wonderful Life and redubbing it. That's right. And I was the man on the porch in a scene from It's a Wonderful Life. And what happened was It's a Wonderful Life would show all the time years ago

because it was public domain. Sure. And this one never aired because right around that time that got switched around and somebody then owned It's a Wonderful Life. It never saw the light of day.

We have to go to Amy Poehler's house if we want to see this. Poehler's house. Yes. If we want to see this. That was fun. I don't think you got one right. You got Rick the Platypus from My Gym Partner's a Monkey. Very good. You know your own career very well.

Yes. Do you ever sit and look at your IMDb page on a lonely Tuesday in a hotel on the road? And the thing is, with these pages, they're infamous for getting everything wrong. Right. Yeah. You're infamous for getting everything wrong also. While we wait for Gilbert to find the men's room, we promise we'll come back to the show after a word from our sponsor. Don't go away.

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The tricentennial milestone. The tricentennial milestone. Jesus. That makes me feel old. Sorry about that. Is that what it's called, a tricentennial? I guess it is. We'll take it. Thank you very much.

And also wish Gilbert and Dara a happy anniversary. Absolutely. A very happy anniversary. And Dara will take your sympathies, too, if you're willing to offer those. What's the question? Basically, I wanted to ask a question. Back when Gilbert got into Aladdin and he started doing children's shows, when he did Are You Afraid of the Dark,

what was it like working with future Hollywood actor Ryan Gosling? Oh, you worked with Ryan Gosling? Yeah. Oh, on Are You Afraid of the Dark. Yeah, he was a kid when I worked with him. And so we have two things in common. We both worked on an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? And both of us were picked by People Magazine as sexiest man of the year.

I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like to brag about the issue I was in. But, yeah, I was there with Ryan Gosling. Yeah. How about that? Yeah.

Should we call him and see if he remembers? See if he'll come and do the show? I'm sure he has got that on his resume. You're pals with Channing Tatum. Yeah, yeah. Channing Tatum. You can get Channing Tatum. Yeah, Channing Tatum. You can get Channing Tatum on the show. Named his dick after me. He said in an interview that he calls his dick Kilbert.

A greater honor. You really can't receive. So I'm Channing Tatum's dick. So you're... And I was in that Seymour smoke, the smoke detector in this PSA for smoke detection to keep batteries in your smoke detector. And I think a little girl who's in that is what's her name? Oh, fuck. Starts with an L.

She's in the L show? No, her name starts with an L. Like Laura Laurie. She's the one who got, you know, one of those child actresses that got in loads of trouble. Lisa Loring?

Not Lisa Loring. Who? Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan. I think she's in that. Wow. So I worked with other big stars. Yes, you have. I'm going to go to a couple of questions that people posted on

Patreon. Xander, with an X, what is Gilbert's favorite Walter Matthau performance, and would he please do a bit of dialogue from The Sunshine Boys? Yeah. It wasn't the Belasco Theater

it was the Morasco Theater. And it wasn't Goldberg, it was Schall. Something I can't remember. So we can assume your favorite Matthau performance is... I mean, well, two. I like, well, of course, The Odd Couple.

And The Sunshine Boys. Both were great. Yeah, this is the 100th year of Walter Matthau's birth, by the way. So we might get Charlie Matthau on the show to talk about his dad or do something like that. It's also the 50th anniversary of the Odd Couple TV show. Wow. So we're going to do something, I think, for that. Gino has graciously been trying to get Eleanor Donahue, who played Felix's girlfriend, on the show to no avail.

No luck. It's so scary when you look at stuff that doesn't seem that old and like like to us the odd couple i know doesn't but both the movie and tv show we were thinking let's have something that honoring and then we said who's alive nobody yeah no one of the pigeon sisters and the kids who play and the actors who played the children. Rob Henson from the UK. I would love to see Gilbert given the opportunity to play a dramatic role in a

film. This has come up on the podcast. I could see him playing a role like Bruce Dern did in Nebraska. What would his dream dramatic role be? Do you have a dream dramatic role? Do you indulge yourself in these fantasies that you could play a dramatic part? One day I'll do some really embarrassing...

You know, like these actors always try to do that. Like, oh, you mean a comedian going straight? Like Bill Murray doing The Razor's Edge. Yes. You'll do something like that? Yeah, I'll do something... Like Bill Murray doing the Razor's Edge. Yes.

You'll do something like that. Yeah. I'll do something. Or I'll do King Lear on Broadway. Aaron Hagen wants to know, Gilbert, do you have a positive or negative audition story that stands out in your mind? Oh. Other than perhaps losing the part of Mumbles in Dick Tracy. Yes.

To Dustin Hoffman. They've been friends for 40 years, Hoffman and Beatty. How did you not get that part? And like I always say, the only way my name and Dustin Hoffman's name could be in the same sentence is I've seen Gilbert Gottfried's acting and he's no Dustin Hoffman. Last one from here. Mikey Frank or Mikey Frankie with an E on the end. Why does Gilbert not have an action figure in some shape or form? Iago aside, is there an Iago figure? Is there an Iago? There's a few of those. Everyone these days has at least a Funko Pop depiction, so why

not Gilbert? We need to stand up and demand representation. Anyone in this room would buy a Gilbert action figure? There's two right there. Well, that's nothing you're admitting to in public. That's like saying, that's like

holding a sign that's saying yes my life is that empty and and then switch it over in the back it says dear god please kill me now knowing how much you hate serious questions i'm going to ask you a serious question. And you joke a lot about your career. You joke a lot about these performances. Is there any performance that you're actually genuinely proud of? And I mean an acting role. Yeah.

Oh, well, I was always liked because like in Beverly Hills Cop 2, that one scene. Sidney Bernstein? Yeah. I always liked that because we like ignored the script and we did it different each time. We did a million takes and we did it each time we're cracking up. And sometimes that could be horrible if the people are having fun and the fun doesn't translate. Sure, sure. And that, I mean, I remember seeing it in a theater and it was like explosive laughter.

And it, oh, also there too, why we always talk about, like movie theaters have gone the way of vaudeville. So the idea of a comedy where like an explosive laugh or scream that's all gone comedies don't stay in theaters very long the last comedy i saw with an audience was bridesmaids and yeah it's it's an experience that i'm afraid is is going away on tv recently On TV recently, they had Black Swan. Very funny movie. Yeah. But I remember watching that. That was winning Academy Awards, and it was like a big hit,

and everyone was seeing it. And I thought, nowadays, if it was released into a theater, it probably wouldn't. And if it was released into a theater, it would go into like one or two crappy art houses that nobody would ever see it. For laughs, it's no Requiem for a Dream. Yeah. We have some questions in the room. We have some nice people here. This is very intimate.

And I know some people brought questions. And then we'll go back to the phones. We got to get, what's her name on the phone? Ellen Requiem for a Dream. Ellen Burstyn. Ellen Burstyn. Hey, she lives in New York. She's on the list, Ellen Burstyn.

Lewis is here. She's a Jew, you know. Yes, I know. I was talking just yesterday. I was talking to Paul Schaefer, and Paul Schaefer said, you know, when you had on Bob Thomas, Who's Bob Thomas? Yeah. He said, Gilbert just wants to talk about who's Jewish and who's not Jewish.

Who's Bob Thomas? What's his name? Who's Bob Thomas? Who's Thomas? Dave Thomas. Dave Thomas. He had Dave Thomas. We had Jay and Bob. Dave Thomas just wanted to talk about who's Jewish and who's not Jewish.

The Paul Schaefer impression is sounding a little like Floyd the Barber. It's sounding like a cross between Floyd the Barber and Norm MacDonald. Lewis Johnson is here with a microphone for any of you guys in the room that have questions. I once bought a poster from Last of the Secret Agents. He's doing Gino stories again. Alright, somebody

stop him with a question. I know we have one from Dave Seidel in the corner. Dave? He'll hand you the mic. Dave was one of our engineers in the old. Dave, he'll hand you the mic. Dave was one of our engineers in the old days at Earwolf. All right, Gilbert,

I got a fuck, marry, kill for you. It's a clean show, Dave. Fuck, marry, kill. Okay. Larry Fine. Larry Fine. Ted Healy. Ted Healy. Ted Healy. Joe Besser. And Joe Besser.

Well, you'd have to kill Ted Healy. Someone did. Yeah, yeah. Ted Healy was killed. Which proves my point. Because he was mean to the Three Stooges. And you don't do that. That's why he was killed.

So that's easy. You kill Ted Healy and the other two well, I guess I'd like I'd have to fuck Larry Fine. Because of that frizzy hair. And and because of that frizzy hair. And...

What's his name? Joe Besser. Joe Besser always seemed like a nice person. So I'd have to marry him. But unfortunately, unlike my wife, I couldn't slap aha him because he he had it in his contract that he wouldn't get smacked a good spousal abuse joke is it's always always wins over the room is that is that a satisfactory answer d Dave? You happy with that?

So you'd marry Stinky. Joe Bester. Do you know when I used to watch the Abbott and Costello show, when he'd show up as Stinky, it used to scare me. In the little Lord Fauntleroy outfit? Yes. That would scare me when he came out. I'd get very uncomfortable. Doing 500 of these with you, I've learned

all your weird fears and phobias. Any other questions in the room? Come on, we know you got them. This gentleman right here. Is it Josh? Josh. I'm just wondering, how much editing do you guys do? Can you ever put out some of that content for us so we can... The what?

How much editing goes into the show? And can you do minis of that so we can get some of that content for us so we can What? How much editing goes into the show? And can you do minis of that so we can get some of that stuff? Frank has told me on many occasions that 90% of the editing he does is trying to salvage my career.

Much of it? Yeah. That's a pact Darren and I made long ago. Yes. When we started this. I'll be coming out with things that have killed smaller men. This is a perfect invitation.

This is a perfect setup to show you how little Gilbert actually knows about how the show is produced. We would record at Earwolf, and then he would saunter. He would walk up to the engineer who had recorded the show and said, Oh, these are the things you should take out of the show. And I said, Gilbert, he doesn't edit the show. I edit the show. I edit the show.

An average episode has about five or six edits in it. We cut things that are potentially fatal to a career. Also,

things will get cut for time or, you know, we also have a lot of older guests whose stories can wander off or not have any lot of older guests whose stories can wander off. Yeah, the story can, you know,

just keep rattling off. Or not have any kind of payoff. And then it really depends on the guest. Basically, they're like stories I tell on. Sort of like these. The average episode has about five or six edits. And then every now and then you get an Artie Lang show that... with 26

cuts. So my wife knows how much I enjoy doing those. With the Artie Lang one, I'm amazed any of it was able to be played on. I'm amazed that at this stage of your career, I still have to call you and read you a list of any of the things that I cut out of the show, each more damning than the last one.

Any other questions from people in the room? The gentleman in the Plan 9 shirt. We love that shirt. Say your name. I'm Ken. Hi, Ken. Notice no last names, Gilbert. Congratulations on having your youngest guest ever.

He's it. Him and the problem child. I was wondering, other than the famous pilot episode, have you ever canned an episode entirely or wished you had? Yeah. You want to answer that one? The pilot episode. I love how you call it a pilot episode.

Yeah. The pilot episode where you played Rob Petrie. The pilot episode where you played Rob Petrie. The first one was Professor Erwin Corey. He was 109 years old at the time, God bless him. And nothing worked. We weren't very good either in defense of the professor. We didn't know what we were doing.

We were recording it in his house. The other ones that we dropped. The other ones that we dropped... And the thing is, Professor Irwin Corr used to be mixed-up funny. And now the funny part was gone, but the mixed-up part was stronger than ever. There are three other episodes that never... Why am I answering this gentleman? There are three other episodes that we didn't run for various reasons.

And if you get me... I don't drink, but... Yeah. We don't share it. Well, we can't, because they're... Because they're alive. One of them was a person in bad health, and the other two were... One, we were asked not to run.

Yes. And the other two, we decided, we were asked not to run. Yes. And the other two, we decided not to run out of spite. So yes, is the answer to that question. You want to do a couple of quick like one or two more quick calls? How are we doing on time, Danny? We still got 10 minutes?

20. 20 good minutes. And this man would like to know where he can get a Gilbert blow-up sex doll. Gino, I know you had a question. Louis, thank you very much. Gino Salamone, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Friend of theomon, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Friend of the show.

Master Booker. I'd like to know why you are so cruel to people who are so nice to you. Dara, myself. But I want now we talk about somebody who's gone. Marty Allen, the beloved Marty Allen. Yes. Who at 90-something came to see you in Las Vegas. He did.

Yes. See? That's an honor. You do some other version of Marty Allen that we've now named Grotesque Marty Allen. Because I used to do, when I first started, I used to do a really good Marty Allen. And then it transformed into this, like, basically Neanderthal

Marty Allen, where it used to be, you know, just like that kind of thing, gravelly. And then it just became... How about Marty Allen in doing If I Was a Rich Man? Marty Allen told us the filthiest jokes off mic when we had him on the show.

They were all brilliant. You wouldn't tell one on the air. And then, do you remember the night we were sitting with him after his show, and you said the Paul Lynn story. I asked about Paul Lynn and he says, oh yeah, Paul Lynn was a cunt. And then he even leans into me and gives me a wink like, you and me, we understand this. Like, you and me, we understand this. And the last meanness story, there was a guy that we encountered who looked exactly like Buster Keaton. And do you remember how you talked to him?

Yeah, I used to. He looked like an old, washed up Buster Keaton. Like you remember a young, handsome, hopeful Buster Keaton. He was like, really was old and weak, and he looked like Buster Keaton at his absolute worst. And I was following him around going, yeah, fuck Charlie Chaplin. He was an untalented piece of shit.

The Marx Brothers, don't even fucking mention him to me. And Laurel and Hardy were two fags. He's a cruel man. Cruel but just. Any other questions in the room? We'll go back to the phones. Let's hit this lady right here first, and then we'll do this gentleman.

Yes, tell us your name. My name's Laura. No last names, Laura. They'll hold it against you. Crawford. Laura Crawford. I'm proud to be a Gilbert fan. You're so nice. This also kind of involves Gino.

Uh-oh. I'm liking the new Patreon, liking the new series setup, but want to know, does your previous producers have control over the Sandra Bullock and Diane... Wow.

Soundbites. I haven't heard them in quite some time. Well, we'll be bringing them back. I hope so. Atbites. I haven't heard them in quite some time. Well, we'll be bringing them back. I hope so. At some point. We're still in transition. You like the Sandra Bullock. Yeah.

Always have. Well, Gino was the one, as you know, that brought that to the show with other goodies. Gino, do you remember what Sandra Bullock said to me in that interview? Let me refresh your memory. Because you have a busy schedule and you tend to forget things. And of course, you're not a young man anymore. Yeah, I think if I remember it, because I don't listen because it wasn't that important to me. She said, yes, Gilbert, I will fuck you.

And I want you to know that I get texts from him, a picture of Sandra Bullock, and it says, you will never fuck her. Are you still friends with Sandra Bullock? Does she still talk to you after all this? Before we jump to the phones, I've got one last one. How much of your professional success did your parents get to witness? And did they... Your mom lived a fairly long time.

Yeah, my father, none of it. None of it. And what was your mother's reaction? Because you had no showbiz in the family. This was an alien thing. None of it. And what was your mother's reaction? Because you had no showbiz in the family. This was an alien thing. None. Well, I talk about in the documentary, Gilbert, I did mention, and I think about this, like, I wish I could bring them both back just for like a day and be able to say, okay, here, I want you to show you how I walk down the street and everyone wants to have their picture taken with me. So my mother saw some of my six, my father, nothing.

And, you know, he of course basically like a failure yeah so i think i i'm i this is another thing i got choked up this is another thing i do on the show a lot uh that's you know It's in the intro. And Gino said to me, and other people have said this to me, I love, I'll think of a really tragic story

involving the guest. And in the middle, it always happens like in the middle of a great story they told, everybody's doubled over laughing and it's an up uh wonderful feeling in the room i'll go so your uh your wife and child died in a fire since you bring it up. It takes a year.

What I was referring to, if the non-hardcore listeners were confused, the reference to the deer population in Suffolk County. We had the famous rock promoter Ron Delsner on the show, who's a great storyteller and a weird character. And he was telling wonderful Beatles stories that only he knows. From the early days of the Beatles coming and playing Central Park. And he's, boy, the show was rolling. And it was one Beatles, you can go back and hear this episode.

Although your interlude was cut out of that show. To answer your question. And the Beatles stories were great. And it was about him and his sister sneaking into the Beatles hotel rooms. And they took cigarettes. And they pretended the Beatles had smoked the cigarettes. And they sold them. And they smeared food on the plates.

And they sold them out of the trunk of his car. Ringo ate this. And he's got all these wonderful stories. And the show, it hits that moment in the show that you're always waiting for. When everything clicks. About 25 minutes in. It's rolling, everybody's comfortable. And then Gilbert says, you're an animal rights guy. What about the deer population out in East Hampton?

You've been trying to save the deer. He turns on a dime and launches in to a spirited defense of the deer population in the Hamptons that stopped the show in its tracks

for 20 minutes. And I know it's coming out of the show, so it's 20 minutes of me, oh, well, yes, there 20 minutes of me. Oh. Well, yes, there is Lyme disease. Dan, should we do a... That's one of his...

A listener asked, does Gilbert have a special talent? I think that is your special talent. We're going to take one more call, Dan, and we'll turn over the room. We have two, and they've been holding most of the show. Can we take two? Yeah, we'll squeeze them in quick. Thank you. All right, here's Ernest from Staten Island with a question about the Ramones.

Oh, that's for you, Gil. Oh, yeah. Hi, Ernest. Hello, guys. What's the question? Well, one of my favorite things that Gilbert ever did was when he was on USA Up All Night with the Ramones, where he was Gilbert the fifth Ramone. And I just want to know if Gilbert has any memories or stories

about hanging around with them or working with them. Anything about the Ramones. Well, one time I was having an overdose. And Joey carried me. Really? Was this in Milwaukee? And I think Big Lee, who was a former kid show. So you don't have a Ramones story.

You're dying of an overdose? What are you, a cunt? Some people argue that he said, what are you, a pussy? But I know. I was there. You sure that wasn't Johnny Ramone? I heard he was a handful. I think it's safe to say, Ernest, that he does not have a Ramone story.

But they were Jewish. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. We're going to squeeze in another call. Thanks, Ernest. And thanks for supporting the show.

Ben Gurion was Jewish. Thank you. Really? Who's the last caller, Dan? Last call on the line is Lauren from Florida with a music question. Ooh, a music question. Laura from Florida. Hi.

Hi, Laura. How are you? Good. How are you? Two women in one show, Gil. Yeah. You know me from Facebook. Is this Laura Pinto?

Yes, it is. I know you, Laura. Yes, and I'm so happy that I got through. Hi, Gilbert and Dara. Happy anniversary. Say this. Look at that. Nice.

Classy. Thank you. Gilbert's thinking of the most rude thing he can come up with. Laura, thanks for calling in. Thanks for supporting the show. What's your question? Well, my question is kind of off the wall a little bit, like me. Why should today be any different?

Yes, exactly. But Gilbert, what would you consider to be, out of all the songs out there, which of course is millions of them, what would you consider to be your personal theme song? That's a great question. What would be your... Like Jack Benny had a theme song,

and Gleason had a theme song, and what would your theme song be? Boy, that's... I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me. I can do that. I've got a brand new pair of roller skates That would be good for you I'm going to need to pick a piece of music To close this show out

So that's a very good question We'll have to find one What about your song from Aladdin? Oh, A Whole New World? No, the one you sing Oh, that's it I've had it A Whole New World? No, the one you sing. Oh! Oh, that's it. I've had it.

I hate to be dramatic, but it's time for me to fly the coop. That's it. That was one of them. And the other one was forget about that guy. Forget about the way you fell into his eyes. Yeah. So that's the closest thing you have to a theme song? Yes. Okay.

Yeah, we could end with that, but we'd be sued back to the Stone Age by Disney. Laura, thanks for the support. Thanks for helping with Rondante. Oh, thank you. It was my pleasure. Thanks for all you do for us, and thanks for the question.

Oh, my pleasure. And congratulations to all of you on the 300th show, Miles. You're so sweet. Thank you for being the rare woman that actually listens to this show. Well, my pleasure. And congratulations to all of you on the 300th show. You're so sweet. Thank you for being the rare woman that actually listens to this show. Thank you. Ron Deltzner. Yeah. Before he was even on the show, like a couple of days,

he was booked for it, and I ran into him at some party somewhere, and so I knew him for about half a second and he already told me well he had produced groucho on uh at carnegie yeah yeah carnegie hall right and he said you know uh that uh erin fleming she used to suck groucho's dick. And he goes, and the guy, the music,

Marvin Hamlisch, he had a shot at it too. You couldn't go out on the sweet Aladdin song. Just a nice little coda. I want to thank some people. 300 shows staggering. And as I said, with the people. 300 shows staggering. And as I said, with the mini episodes, almost 500. And this man is saying, do you have any naked pictures of Gilbert that I can take home and look at at the homeless shelter?

Darren, do naked photos of Gilbert exist? I'm not talking about x-rays. I want to thank a couple of people. We'll thank everybody properly on social media. A lot of people are responsible for making this show and putting this all together.

I will thank some people here. Jack Vaughn at Sirius, who has welcomed us here with open arms. Jim McClure was the gentleman who was in the room before. Louis Johnson right here, one of our engineers. Dan Spaventa in the booth. Stephen Varley, who's on vacation. Our friends at Starburns, Brian Baldinger, Jason Smith, Aristotle Acevedo, our new editor, has been doing a great job. Quickly, we will thank the Johns. John Seals,

John Murray, John Fodiatis, John Tesler, Greg Pair, our wonderful Twitter man, Mike McPadden, who runs our Facebook page, David Simon, our photographer, who was under the weather and couldn't be here. Dave Seidel, our former Earwolf engineer, is in the room. Steve Hanna, Eric Kornman, Wade Snook. Eric Fusco's here, who started the Listener Society on Facebook. And, of course, my wife, Genevieve, who does so much for this show behind the scenes. You have no idea. And, of course, Dara.

Anybody else? Anyone you want to thank? And I know the answer to that question. No. No. No. But I do remember when, I think it was Mayor Koch. Yes. They started the John Hour.

Do you remember when this was going on? I don't remember the John Hour. To get rid of prostitution, they had the John Hour where they would read the names of the Johns on the radio. I don't remember that. But I want you to, we're going to go out on some, I thought you wanted to thank Ed Koch for a minute. We'll go out on something sweet, a childhood memory for me,

back to the first time I saw you in that lonely room at the comic strip. I think you came on at like 1230 at night or something. To an impressionable 18-year-old boy, who ever knew that we would be doing a show together, 40 years later, a little bit, if will for the fans gavin mcleod and tony curtis share a donut yeah this is gavin mcleod tony curtis talking to gavin mcleod hello tony hello gavin how are you i'm. Would you like some coffee? Okay.

Would you like a donut also? All right. I will have a donut too. So you will have two donuts? No. I meant you are eating a donut and I shall eat the same. So you will eat the same donut that I am eating? No.

I meant although we are both eating two entirely different donuts, the very fact that they are both donuts puts them in the same food group. So are you saying like apples and oranges are both in the fruit family? No, because the orange is in fact a citrus fruit. Later that same day, what then of the coconut? We want to thank you guys for turning out so much. 300 shows, Gil.

Yeah, geez. How about it? It feels like more. It does. Thank you all. Thanks to the team here. Thank you guys for showing up and for being a part of this. Thanks for listening to 300 shows. Seven years. And you guys for showing up and for being a part of this. Thanks for listening to 300 Shows.

Seven years. And you stop looking at me and licking your lips. Thanks all. That was fun. Say goodnight, Gilly. Goodnight, Gilly. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast

with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we've been talking to the super brilliant and just wonderful person, just a person that Christ is a distant second. The wonderful Gilbert Gottfried. Thank you. wonderful Gilbert Gottfried. Thank you. Take your time. Okay, baby.

You're coming up any second now. Go for it, Gilbert. I'm coming home. I've done my time. Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine. If you receive my letter telling you I should be free, then you'll know just what to do if you still want me. Get to it!

If you still want me I'm so impressed Tie a yellow ribbon Round the old oak tree It's been three long years Do you still want me Let me sing for a minute If I don't see a ribbon Round the old oak tree

I'll stay on the bus. Forget about us. Put the blame on me. Go ahead. If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree. Why am I sounding like you? Okay, come on. Bus driver, please look for me.

Okay, Gilbert, come on. Bus driver, please look for me. Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see. I'm really still in prison. Can they tell who's who? A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me free. I wrote and told her, please. I wrote and told her, please. I wrote and told her, please. Okay, but it's on you now. Courage, go ahead.

I'm the old oak tree. Tire rippin' round the old oak tree. Tire rippin' round the old oak tree. Tire rippin' round the old oak tree. Tire rippin' round the old oak tree. Justrant. Round the old oak tree. Just get on the bus. Forget about us. Put the blame on me.

I know why she nailed you. She sings like you, too. Go yellow. And round the old oak tree. A hand for Gilbert. Yes, sir. This was a first. Show business. Oh. a first. Show business.

Oh. Oh, that.