Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Billy West Returns Encore

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

In this ENCORE presentation of a classic GGACP episode, Gilbert and Frank talk to comedian, voice actor and fan favorite Billy West about bad sight gags, one-joke comedians, post-stroke Stooges, the legend of "Grandpa" Al Lewis, the genius of June Foray and Frank Welker and the magnificence of the Buddy Rich and Paul Anka rants. Also, Larry Fine plays Stanley Kowalski, Lou Jacobi inspires Dr. Zoidberg, Jay Leno messes with James Mason's head and Jerry Lewis meets SpongeBob SquarePants. PLUS: The Mad Russian! Peg Leg Bates! Dueling Peter Lorres! Ren & Stimpy turn 30! The brilliance of Larry Storch! And the triumphant return of the Jackie puppet! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one find themselves on a team? Taking on jaw-dropping obstacles all across Canada is one thing. Working together on a team with some pretty big personalities is another. It's a new season of Canada's Ultimate Challenge and sparks are going to fly.

New episodes Sundays. Watch free on CBC Gem. Hey guys, Frank here, and now that August is upon us, Gilbert and I are going to take some weeks off, some much-needed weeks off, a much-needed break, and present some of our favorite episodes from the past seven years. We've got some great ones for you. Now, 30 years ago this very month, August of 1991, a subversive little animated show called The Ren and Stimpy Show premiered on Nickelodeon, and that is when I first became keenly aware of a versatile talent by the name of Billy West. Now, Billy, of course, made his mark on many shows, The Howard Stern Show and, of course, Futurama some years later.

But Billy, man of a thousand voices, he's also become a staple and a much-loved guest on this very podcast. He's done three episodes for us and is always listed among fan favorites. Now, this particular episode is his Billy West Returns, his second episode from back in 2018. And this is a personal favorite of mine and of Gilbert's. We're going to rerun this one. We get a lot of requests for it. A lot of people talk about it. We had the time of our lives doing this one. So sit back and enjoy this Encore episode from 2018 with Stimpy the Cat, Philip J. Fry, Marge Schott, Dr. Zoidberg, and of course, the Jackie Puppets, our pal Billy West.

Enjoy. I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we're once again recording at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Verderosa. Our guest this week is an amazing Colossal fan favorite, and so he's back for a return engagement. And also, we just like hanging out with him. He's a musician, comedian, radio personality, and one of the most versatile, accomplished, and gifted voice actors

in the history of popular entertainment, appearing in films, television series, TV commercials, and video games. As a musician, he's worked with and performed alongside such icons as Lou Reed, Debbie Harry, Roy Orbison, Los Lobos, and Brian Wilson, among others. And, of course, you know his voice work from the features Curious George, Rugrats in Paris, Cats and Dogs, Garfield the Movie, Looney Tunes, Back in Action, and Space Jam, and dozens of TV shows, including Ren and Stimpy, Doug, Beanie, and Cecil, Duckman, King of the Hill, Hysteria, Fortu... You should just say anything I was saying, like it happened one night. Looney Tunes and The Simpsons, to name a few. Among his character, he's given voice to Stimpy the Cat. You want to take that one again and we'll edit it.

Among the characters he's given voice to are Stimpy the Cat, Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, Shaggy, Slimmer, Slimer, Popeye,

Woody Woodpecker, Muttley, Buzz the Bee, Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Dr. Zoiberg, and the Red M&M. From 1989 through 1995, he served as a guest performer on the Howard Stern Show. I'm sick of me. Yes. I've heard of the Howard Stern Show. I have vague recollections of one time appearing on it and providing hilarious, dead-on impressions of celebrities

such as Lucille Ball, Raymond Burr, Jonathan Hound, Adolph Mongeau, Franchise Cone, Don Knotts, Jay Leno, And yes, Jackie Martling and the Jackie Puppet. Please welcome back to the show an artist of many talents and a man who says that he stopped going to church

when he discovered the three stooges. Our old friend, Billy West. Old. Hey, you know what? I'm sick of me. It was nice of you to read all the stuff they told you to read. Nobody told him, Bill. What do you mean?

He was a member of the Smiling Sons of the Friendly Shillelaghs in Boston. Now, you were raised in a kind of bigoted upbringing. Like, one time you were a little kid watching the Three Stooges. Oh. And can you tell us that story? Jews. Oh. And can you tell us that story? Well, my mom came in the room, and mind you, when we were watching them when I was a kid, they were already like old. We just didn't know it. We're watching these fireballs

beating each other up. And my mother would come in, how can you watch those awful men? Well, that's the Three Stooges, Mom. Ugh. They're terrible. And they're Jewish. And another time, I think you were sitting with your father and you were watching Lola Falana.

Lola Falana? Lola Falana? And you said, you know, she was an attractive black song and dance woman. And you said something like, she's pretty. Mm-hmm. And my dad said, what are you thinking about? Love? L-O-V-E? No, I mean, I don't know.

Maybe I'd go out with somebody like that. Look, does a bee go out with a fly? Sometimes. Nowadays they do, Dad. My dear dead dad, you pile of bones. Them bones, them bones, them dry bones, Dad. Bill, welcome back Oh, thank you very much, you guys I'm really happy to sit here

And I hope we'll rise to the occasion Go ahead, go ahead I was just thinking I started to tell Gilbert before we got rolling That Stan Freeberg produced these big, big budget commercials for soups and stuff in the 60s. And he told me once, he said, oh, it's murder being funny. You know, I said, what do you mean?

He goes, you know, whenever there's a disaster, all your friends just turn and look at you. Like, what do you think, Mr. Funny? You know, and I thought about that, that no one can ever do that to Gilbert. That's true. You know, I mean, you've never had a comedian probably come up to you and go, is that yours? You know what I mean?

They're always like, is that yours? Is that yours? Can I use that? You can't. No one could take anything because you're the only one who can say it. We have to do victimless comedy now. I guess nobody told Gilbert that. I was going to say, unlike Stan Freeberg, Gilbert is unmoved and untouched by tragedies.

Yes. I mean, what are you supposed to say if you're one of those wise guys, except if you have to go near a stage, you choke. So you always are funny or wacky or fearless when your friends are around you. And you look at them when you say, you know, what? What, that the astronauts look like burnt marshmallows on a George Foreman grill? What? Too late? Too late?

Too late? Too late? What? Go ahead, Gil. And you had dealings of course with the great Al Grandpa Lewis. I heard you guys doing it before I got in the booth. Yes! I was missing out.

Yeah, Herman, come over here. Why don't you pretend to be an astronaut, Grandpa? Yeah, okay. Over and out, Roger. Where's the powdered blood? They put Tang here. The space drink. Did I hear you doing that? I heard you talking on a podcast about bad ADR. I think you were on The Nerdist. You were talking about

the days of bad ADR and you cited that example of when Herman and Grandpa get locked in the bank vault. Yeah, some nervous Nelly goes, there's got to be more dialogue happening there. Well, that's too bad. They're gone, you know. And he said, maybe we can get Al to come in here in this closet, this booth,

which was nothing like where they recorded it. So it's always like, you know, Herman, I think something bad is going to happen to us. And then you hear, look what you did, you big dummy. You locked us in the bank vault. That they dubbed in, but no one cared about continuity or room tone or nothing. They're off to this day. Hilarious. Sometimes you'll hear, you know, dialogue come into the scene.

And before they even speak, you could tell that the tone of the room is completely off. Oh, they didn't care. They knew, see? Fred Gwynn knew comedy wasn't pure. He knew. Lolly, it's comedy pure. I'm going to make you tell the story. Yeah, Herman, I got a funny joke for you.

Yeah, what do you call the story. Yeah, Herman, I got a funny joke for you. Yeah. What do you call the definition of a smartass? A fellow that can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is, you big dummy. I'm telling jokes. I'm doing with the schtickloch already here. I'm going to put you on the spot, Bill, and ask you to tell that wonderful story since we're on Al Lewis this quickly. I'm going to try to save him for the end, but it's too good. We have to get to him.

That wonderful story you told where you were spending time with him at Grandpa's restaurant on Bleecker Street. Yeah. I ran that Grandpa's, Bellagianti. Yeah. There was an Italian restaurant in the Lower East side, or was it Grants Village? Yeah, on Bleeker Street in the village. I used to pass by there all the time. They had that caricature of Al Lewis on the outside.

Of him. But next to that would be him because he wasn't cooking. He used to stand out front with one of those. You remember those little cigars that were dipped in wine? They're called crooks. Yeah, crooks. Yeah, I smoke them because they're rancid. So anyway, there was two things that happened that day.

He was standing there like a cigar store Indian. He wouldn't look or say anything. He looked straight ahead, and a couple of black guys come by, and they go, hmm. And they turn around, and they go, damn, you're a monster. You know, and he just went, yeah, tell me something I don't know. Damn. Damn. He spoke wise to us.

So I go in, and I had a nice meal there. And he was not quite holding court. He was just sort of sitting at a table. And there was this couple with a little girl, and they said to her, go over and ask him where he lives. And she said, okay. And the little girl goes over and ask him where he lives. And she said, okay. And the little girl goes over and says, where do you live? 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

And she ran screaming away from him and she said, you know, she said, no, he's kidding me. And then he looks at me and he goes, women. He was something else. He was such a great, great guy. And I heard that restaurant, it wasn't so much that he was an actual manager or owner. He was the greeter. Yeah.

He was like the PR of the place. Yeah. He was the public relations. He was like a mob joint. Yeah. And he was just, they slapped his name on as a recognizable celebrity. Yeah, he was victim-owned. You know, like at the Italian restaurants.

You know, they bring in some guy like that to just pretend he owns it. You spent a lot of time with him when he was on Howard? Yes. Yeah. I knew him through someone else, though. It wasn't from Howard's show. Okay.

And then when I got to sit with him a couple of times, I was dying. With the bolo ties and the... Yeah, but he was talking about marriage. Yeah, yeah. I love these little chippies. You know, you marry them and you get them in the old slow moan on them satin sheets

over in Roosevelt Island, you know. And he took me and a bunch of other people to dinner and he said, I got dinner. And he pays with a credit card. And then he just collects from everybody the cash and just puts it in his pocket because he doesn't know if he's going to be alive the next day. And he looks at me and I was looking at him like, you son of a gun. And he said, yeah, yeah, that's how I operate. Yeah. Yeah. Looking at him like, you son of a gun. And he's like, yeah, yeah, that's how I operate. My favorite Al Lewis story was Al Goldstein from Screw Magazine used to throw big brunches when he still had money, and he invited me a few times.

One time I was sitting with Al Lewis, and he's there with the smelly cigar, the brown teeth, the country western, the country western, the wiry hair, and

Al Goldstein Hop along Catskill. Yes! And Al Goldstein is talking. He goes, I'm starting a new magazine. And every month we're going to have celebrity interviews. This month is Penn and Teller. And Al Lewis turns to me and he goes, oh, this month?

And I said, Penn and Teller. And he shakes, he waves his hand dismissively and disgustedly goes, Piece of shit. He didn't like anybody. He probably loved you, but

I think he liked me because I would talk about old days and he said, You know, when I think he liked me because I would talk about old days. And he said, you know, when I go into that Stern show, nobody has any talent in there. Zippo, none. He said, I come from the old days when in Vaudeville, you know about Vaudeville? When they had a performer, a black dancer named Peg Leg Bates. Oh, you should have seen Peg. He could dance on bongos and congers.

Yeah, that's talent. And jump off and spin around on his silver leg. You know, it was just, it was so much craziness to listen to. He was the real deal. Yes. And what started that whole cowboy image he created for himself?

That was his style. I don't know. I know that he was a talent scout once for the NBA. He knew basketball quite well. Yeah, and he discovered Lou Alcindor. Yeah, but Jabbar. But that whole

cowboy look and he even spoke with a cowboy accent. Oh, yeah, he'd say, that Jackie with his corn-porn humor. Jackie Marling.

I don't assume everybody knows who Jackie is. Yes, we had Jackie here on this show. Oh, you did? We had Jackie is. Yes, we had Jackie here on this show. Oh, you did? We had Jackie twice, yeah. He's fun.

Her ass was so sweet, I thought I was going to get dire booties. Why would anybody want to be funny? Why don't you people laugh? The puppet. I did the puppet. I love the puppet. I just did a whole different spent, you know, party voice for that. I miss the puppet, Bill.

Yeah. It was great. I'm not getting any laughs. No laughs. Oh, shit. I think I getting any laughs. No laughs. Oh, shit. I think I'll throw myself in the fireplace. I remember. I was a scary-looking puppet.

Yeah. It was frightening. Well, it was sardonic, you know? It just had this evil grin printed on its face, and it was a plaster head, so it just, it would chip, you know. But nothing made it look good, you know. You could repaint his head, and it would still look like. We love Jackie. Didn't they.

I love him. He's the best. Didn't someone send in a Robin Quivers ventriloquist dummy too? I don't remember that. I don't. I don't think. If they did, they never brought it out for, you know, exposition. Yeah.

And I remember the last time we spoke, I, you know, I always recognized Georgie Jessel in your Dr. Zoey Berg. Yes. But also, it was a mixture, you said, of Lou Jacoby. Oh, yeah. Everybody who doesn't know what we're talking about, he started in Yiddish theater way down in the Lower East Side. Diary of Anne Frank. Oh, he was in Diary of Anne Frank.

Yes, I can see him in that. I stole from the children. You want to hear it? I did. I stole from the children. Poor Anne. Poor Anne. And now the crowds have her.

Like a problem. He was just eating. And now the crowds have her. Oh, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. I got problems. He was terrific, Lugico. Funny guy. Remember him on the Dean Martin Variety Show with Kay Medford? Remember him on there, Bill? Yeah, Kay Medford. Yeah. She was wonderful.

She was very funny. You know what? He was good in the Alpine Lace deli meats commercial. Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah, he was like some butcher, and he comes over and he goes, I think what you're eating gives you too much cholesterol.

Cholesterol. Cholesterol. And he would say, I want you to eat Alpine Lay's cheese because I care about what you eat. And you,

and you, and you. You didn't have to be able to do too much back then. I guess to be in show business you had to have grass stains and a number two pencil or something.

But along the lines of what Gilbert was asking, how did Zoidberg become a combination of Lou Jacoby and Jessel? Were you just fooling around with different voices? Yeah, I was. Yeah, because the character had all this junk hanging off of his face, and I thought, well, you know, he wouldn't be able to speak too well

with all this lobster meat. And so I just said, you know, and I took Lou Jacoby and I guess I cold fused him with George Jessel. There'll be no shenanigans in my courtroom. You know, his voice was a little higher. Oh, God. Here's to Eve.

He was the Toastmaster of the United States. Sure. Oh, yeah. Toastmaster General. Here's to Eve, who wore a fig leaf in the most promiscuous of places. Here's to Adam. Johnny on the spot. When the leaves came down.

No, he was, I just thought they were all funny, quirky people. Oh, I was watching this thing the other day and I never really saw it. I've only heard of it. Remember in every cartoon somebody would go, oh, how do you do? Oh, yes. Yes. That was the mad Russian on radio in the 40s. Oh, wow.

Mad Russian. Yes, Russian. Meet Deanna Durbin. Oh, how do you do? You know, and he didn't even sound Russian, and he was the weirdest looking. His name was Burt Gordon. And the Mad Russian, they even made a movie called How Do You Do. That's like a one-trick pony.

It sounded more Japanese. How do you do? It's interesting that you settled on- Look him up afterwards. Go and see that and you'll never be the same after you look at Burt Gordon. Remember the mad Russian. And people around him would humor him like Harry Von Zell would go, look at you, Russian.

You're eating that thing like you're starving, like an Armenian. Oh, don't ever say that. And it was supposed to be hysterically funny. People used to laugh at it, but, you know. It's got a touch of Peter Lorre in it. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit.

I've been trying to remember the name of an old comedy performer whose catchphrase was, I miss the good old days. Wow. I don't know. Wowie. Oh, I don't know. I miss the good old days. David, not David, Drew Friedman.

Not Dayton Allen. No. No, I was going to say Dayton Allen. Remember Dayton Allen? Why not? Yeah. He was kind of like. Oh, sickies.

Dayton Allen showed up on the Munsters. He was kind of like. Dr. Dudley. Swedish or something. El Brendel? El Brendel. El Brendel? Who's that?

El Brendel. Yeah, that's a Drew Friedman. Who isel? El Brendel! El Brendel? Who's that? El Brendel! Yeah, that's a Drew Friedman. Who is that? Oh, thank God. That's a Drew Friedman special. You're the only person I could ask, and you'd come up with El Brendel. That's it. That's who I was thinking of.

And that was funny. I miss the old days. I'm so proud. And then he was in a movie, very much like Sleeper, although not the least funny. And he wakes up out of a deep freeze, and he's in the future where the guys are walking around with grass skirts. And, I mean, it's like— El Brendel got his own feature? El Brendel got his own feature? El Brendel got his own... And much like Austin Powers,

he has a son who's older than he is. Fantastic. Yes. And so there's one part where a girl is there with a very high- cut front of the dress. No cleavage. And he goes, I miss the good old days. And then she turns around and it's really low cut in the back.

And he goes, fui and the good old days. And he goes, fui and cuddle this. Well, there were a lot of comics with just like that one catchphrase thing. There was Eddie Lawrence, you know, the old philosopher. Hiya, pal. You say you've been walking around your house and it's Christmas Eve. You know, yeah, he was great. What's the matter, Bunky? Well, lift your head high and take a flop

on the ice and we've had a few on this show like um um um um what oh oh

Joe oh Joe Penner Joe Penner no no no no the one we had on the show who his his whole bit was

Will oh we had Billy Saluga. Yeah. Yeah, we had Bill Saluga here from Ray J. Johnson. Oh, boy. Who was his whole thing was, well, you can call me Ray. Call me Ray. Yeah.

And you can call me Jay, or you can call me Jimmy, or you can call me Johnny, but you doesn't have to call me Raymond. He ran with that, man. I know. How come we can't do that? Gilbert's got to come up with new stuff all the time. What are you kidding? So other comics can't steal it.

Is that yours? Is that yours? And it was so funny because that You Can Call Me Ray was like less than half a minute. I know. And he built a lifetime out of it. He told us he bought a house off of it. We had him here, Bill, a couple of weeks ago. Really?

Yeah. Well, also Art Matrano had the... I loved him. I loved him. We had them both here, like within the last three months. Did you ever meet Professor Irwin Corey? Oh, yes. Well, there's a story attached to that.

That was our first guest on this podcast. Do I ask the history lesson? He was over 100 at the time. And he always used to be funny confused. Now he was just confused. That's one way to put it. Yeah, he was a deer, and he gave us his best shot, but it just wasn't usable material. So we wound up scrapping the first episode and moving on.

I remember going with Frank to have a slice of pizza. At the pizza store. At the pizza store. have a slice of pizza at the pizza store at the pizza store and and i was saying all right we gave the whole podcast idea a shot and then we figured out how to get guests that could bring it yeah you were one of like our seventh or eighth guest bill you were you were very early on. We're up to 200 now. Really? Yeah, you were in the first 10, I believe. Oh, my son, the big shot. Tell him we're up to 200 now.

What about your mother? I need a shot and a Budweiser because of him, this Frank, my son, a boilermaker. Don't ever talk to me again. Don't knock in my doorway. Oh, my Lord. Could you give us some of the old loose shit? I was just going to say, we're talking about the stern days. They really threw that to you.

They really threw you To the wolves there That was what Your first day Yeah They She was in the hospital I brought it up The day before

I said Lucy's in Cedars-Sinai And he's eating And I said She's probably just Laying there going You know Ah

Oh The interns Are all Haitian They're from Haiti. Oh, that's all. Ooh. And I just thought of what it must be like in there. And it's like, you know, Howard's asking her.

Gilbert was there. It's saying stuff to Lucy. Like, did anyone ever call you Miss Testicle? Oh, that's horrible. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't you like the new comedians like Gilbert Gottfried and Sam Kinison? I never heard of any of them. Why can't they do good humor like the Sid Caesars of the George Gobles.

Pluracy. It's like we talked about. That's pluracy. It was the stone pillow era of Lucy's career. That's right. But I like the one where she was in Musso and Franks. And she was in there with Ethel. They went on a Hollywood vacation. Oh, yeah.

William Holden parks behind them. Oh, yes, yes. And Lucy is going, Ethel, it's Bill Holden. It's just funny that somebody would say that. Bill Holden. She's on a first-name basis. Ethel, it's Bill Holden.

And she was trying to get a peek at him and he was wise to it and he was messing with her head. Oh, Bill, death by gravity, Holden. Poor Bill Holden. No, he died. He hit his head on the coffee table, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, he was drunk, and he fell forward or back. Death by gravity. That's right. That's my new film. Death by Gravity. That's right. That's my new film.

You know, it's funny, Bill. You were talking about finding George Jessel and Lou Jacoby for Zoidberg. And, of course, there's a little bit of Peter Lorre in Ren. Yes. But there's a proud tradition of voice actors doing favorite performers, you know, popular performers. You know, Dawes Butler was obviously doing Art Carney. Yes, and he was also doing

Desi Arnaz for Baba Louie. Right. And Wally Gator was a little bit of Ed Wynn. Yes, and everybody's done their take, like Paul Freese, Boris Badenov. Oh, yeah. He used to do Commander Wrong Way Peach Fuzz. And he had that thing, too, you know.

It was so hokey, but I loved everybody's take on it. I just did. Wasn't Paul Freese, didn't Burt Lahr sue over Snagglepuss? No, that was Doss Butler was Snagglepuss. No, I mean, didn't Burt Lahr sue because of the— Exit stage right. Because of the likenurt Lars sue because because of the stage, right? Because of the likeness. And run another way.

Five sooth even. And no, I mean, back then, cartoon voices and commercials, they would think nothing of doing an imitation of any celebrity. But that was Burt Lahr's only thing. Can you imagine sitting in an apartment with like a naked light bulb? You know, sitting on the stairs and hearing this new TV business with a voice that sounds like his. Exit stage right and running all the way. I didn't think Burt Lahr was, like, effeminate like that.

I just thought he was, like, you know. Who's her? Yeah, he didn't say, who's her? Sticky. And Dawes was doing a little bit of Andy Griffith with Huckleberry Hound, too. Oh, that's right. That's right. Lum-de-dum-dum, lum-de-dum-dum.

Oh, my darling, what's her name? You know, all that stuff. Those were my heroes, though, when I think about it. I had a whole gallery of heroes. It wasn't just voice people. It was musicians, and I met a lot of them. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast after this. Tell us about you and Foray, who you got to know a little bit you were at

her service weren't you yes i was no i didn't go to the service i couldn't make it but i but i was at a special that they did for her like a remembrance and they had voice and slideshows and uh we're sorry we didn't get her here oh you would have loved her yeah because drop the ball on that one she was the be all and-all female voice of the 20th century. It's like I can't think of anybody who had more of an impact with their characters. No, no. I told her when I first met her, I just was in such awe that I became mindless, and I found that I was shaking her hand for more than 30 seconds. You know, while I'm saying, this is such a thrill for me,

and she's beginning to look at me like it's going into 40 seconds of shaking her hand. And she said, what, do you like me or something? And I go, I just, June, when I was a little kid, Natasha Nogodnik was my first masturbatory fantasy. But darling, you know, and I said, I just want to take you home with me. I want to fold you in half and put you under my arm and come home and talk to me. You know, it was just, you couldn't believe who you had in front of you. It's, you know, you still get that feeling, right, Gilbert?

No. You ever? It's, you know, you still get that feeling, right, Gilbert? No. You ever? The only person I've seen him get a little bit starstruck with in our 200 guests was Dick Van Dyke. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Because that's one of those people you don't believe exists. Yes. Yeah. It was – the Dick Van Dyke show was like sort of a blueprint for how television shows work. I mean comedies anyway. It was – they were sitcom writers and they had the star of the show. But all for crying out loud, buddy. And what does – He's the only one I know who does Maury Hams with that, by the way.

I love Buddy. He does Smell Cooley. He's the only one I know who does Maury Amsterdam, by the way. Yuck-a-puck. When Yuba plays the tuba, what did he do? Oh, he goes, oh, here comes Smell Cooley. Do you have the comedy spot, Rob? No, this is the comedy spot, Baldi. Let me just point to his head.

I love that he does Maury Amsterdam. He was good. Yeah. What's odd is, like, to the public, they understand, like, you know, Michael Douglas doing a voiceover or Jeff Goldblum, Gene Hackman. But the idea, they're not aware of like all the people who aren't known in their own apartment building who are the voices of a billion commercials. Yes. I forget.

I remember when, which one? Sheen. Martin Sheen used to do, who, which one? Sheen. Martin Sheen used to do commercials. Yeah. And go, Pepsi, the choice of a new generation. And I used to say, what is he, what is he? I mean, this was before I made any money. I said, what is he, super, what are they all going to make more money?

Yes. I didn't understand that there's never enough money. I finally figured it out When you do cartoon voices and this is interesting you don't do celebrity voices you always do Gilbert Gottfried Yeah, but that's the best

you don't need to be anything else but that there's nobody like you there isn't unless we went back in time to El Brendol Yeah, El Brendol. Yeah, El Brendol. Or Frank Fontaine.

Okay, El Brendol, this is take one. We want you to play a caveman. Boy, I miss the old days. Okay, you're going to be... We want you to play peanut number two in this one. Okay, and action. Boy, I miss the old days. You know what? I mean, that's really cool.

It's like I sweat bullets trying to come up with something new after about 35 years in the business. Well, how do you, when they give you a character like Farnsworth, and you, if I have this right, a combination of Burgess Meredith and Frank Morgan? Yeah, kind of. Do you go home and just futz around and try all these different voices in your repertoire until something works? Do you do it right there in the studio? I saw a picture of him. He's old, real old, and they said he's 147 years old. He's 147 years old.

And I physically, I hardly ever do this, but in the booth I shook myself because if you were 147, first of all, you look at his head and it looks like airplane food. It's like a diseased piece of chicken with skin wrapped around it. Did you have the chicken? And he would, you know, he would probably shake. He probably farted dust. He was 147, I'm telling you. He's like, good news, everyone.

Bad news. They were great. Great. Who else does Burgess Meredith? Billy West. Well, Burgess Meredith's like, he'll knock you into tomorrow. You know, and that wasn't quite the professor, but Frank Morgan was that, you know. Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye. Goodbye. I think a little bit of Larry. For some reason, Larry Storch's Mr. Whoopie from Tennessee Tuxedo comes to mind. Oh, that's right. He did, yeah. Phineas J. Whoopie, you're the greatest. And he said, you going to give us a little preview? And he'd be like, I'll give you a little preview on the BB, you know, the three-dimensional blackboard, the 3DBB.

You know what? I heard stories like he was the one who came up with the Judy, Judy, Judy joke. Really? Oh, he told that on this podcast. Oh, I don't remember him saying that. The impression. Shame on me. He was performing at a club, and someone said to him, Judy Garland is in the audience.

And he just out of nowhere started going, Judy, Judy, Judy. And that's where it came from. Yeah. Trying to sound like Cary Grant. And now everybody believes that Cary Grant said Judy, Judy, Judy. Oh. Wow. That's cool shit. that Cary Grant said Judy, Judy, Judy. Oh, wow. That's cool shit.

When I saw those two big, beautiful boobs, I knew what to do. Bill, did you ever meet Howard? Go ahead. What? Did you ever meet Howard Morris in your travels? I know you were a big Sid Caesar guy when you were a kid, and he did a lot of voices for Hanna-Barbera. I've met Howard Morris,

I've met Sid Caesar, I've met Carl Reiner. Oh, wow. So that's quite the trio there. Yeah. Because I know that show meant a lot to you when you were young. It did mean, Sid Caesar was the first televised image I ever saw. You know, and he'd be like, he'd be just

gibbering in something that sounded like Italian. That's real hard to do. Yes. Vavolo, don't touch him. A dollar bella for Goetia. Gonna go, shoo. Shoo. Prego, pong.

Pong. Well, we had Tony Sandler on from Sandler and Young. Do you remember Sandler and Young? Yes. We had Tony Sandler here a couple of weeks ago. He said he himself speaks six languages fluently, and he would go on stage with Sid Caesar, and Tony Sandler would actually speak the language,

and Sid Caesar would be next to him doing a complete mock version of the language. And people would think, oh, my God, Sid Caesar speaks that language. Oh, yeah. You know where he learned that? He grew up in Yonkers. He was the son of a store owner.

Alongside the river there, there was like a store where sailors from other countries, you know, they'd pull up and they'd go in there and have breakfast and all that. And Sid would wait tables. And at every table, there was a bunch of guys from different countries. You know, he'd go by a table full of Germans, you know, and then he'd walk away. You know. Oh, man. You know, and then he'd walk away. You know. Yes, we see there's a sound the Satan of the Schweinkopf. Oh, man.

What a gift he had. We had on Cole Reiner who said, Cole Reiner said that he can do, you know, foreign gibberish. Yes. But nowhere near as well as Sid Caesar. But Carl was real inventive. Yes. He had a different take on that gibberish. You know, it's really hard to do stuff like that. It's not like anybody does that anymore.

And the genius of it was they would throw in little key words that would let the audience know what they were talking about. You know, let's see. Jean-Claude, Les Sèlugans, Chez Big Boobs. You know, let's see. And I also heard Sid Caesar, when he wasn't in character, it's almost like he didn't exist. He was really out of place. Oh, yeah. Not sure who he was.

Well, there's that story that he was accepting an award and he got tongue-tied and Mel Brooks yelled from the audience, Sid, do it in German. And suddenly he snapped to attention. He came alive and was able to turn it on. Wow. That can be a problem. They said that about Peter Sellers, too. They said that these guys who were great mimics and great impressionists. They were great in character. Someone's had the dialect gift.

They didn't exist. I'm not of that caliber, genius. There is a part of me that actually exists. There's a real person home. I want to ask a question to both of you guys. Yes. Bill, you've said you grew up in a sonic world and you heard things that other kids didn't hear, as well as your famous misspent youth that you told

us about last time. And same thing for you, Gilbert, because Gilbert's obviously also a gifted mimic. Oh, God, yes. The best. There's no better James Mason or Irving Villas-Chez anywhere. There's no better person that can boil anybody down to their bare essence. He's great at it. And put it across with a noise instead of words or inflections. You know, David Brenner. Hunting, you know, decoys, ducks.

What's that bit, The David Brenner bit? Yeah, I used to say... I went hunting one day. Yeah, I sometimes go out hunting for David Brenners. And I'm there with my hunting dog, and I take out my Brenner call. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. That'll burn Charlton. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. That'll burn Fountain. My neighborhood was run for... Have you heard of John MacGyver, Bill? John MacGyver? Have you heard anyone do John MacGyver? Only John MacGyver. Listen to this.

Pray with me, Joe Buck. Get on your knees, Joe Buck. Give him a little bit. Listen to this. Listen to this. Pray with me, Joe Buck. Get on your knees, Joe Buck. Give him a little bit. Everything in this company must be run according to my specifications.

We will have no slackers allowed in this organization. Is that a big store? Is that a Jerry Lewis movie? Oh, my God, yes. He was the head of the department store. Not the big store. What that a Jerry Lewis movie? Oh my God, yes. He was the head of the department store. Not the big store. What's the name of that one? Who's mining the store?

Who's mining the store? Right, right, right. And then they tried to star him in a sitcom after that, and it was called Many Happy Returns. That's correct. Oh, that's right. It lasted about half a season, if that, and he was the head of a returns department in a, what do you call it, a department store, return gifts.

And he would always come up with something that would make people, you know, go back and not want to give it back, he would say. You know what you can do with a broken toaster? I like them on Midnight, what was it? Midnight Cowboy. Midnight Cowboy. Get on your knees, Joe Buck. Pray with me, Joe Buck. Oh, Joe Buck, you're going to love it here.

And they were praying in front of a big lit up shrine, like a circus billboard. And I remember he goes, you got a strong back. You're going to need it, Joe. What were they trying to say? Who knows? Because all he wanted was him to kneel and pray with him. I put that MacGyver sitcom on a par with the Pruitts of Southampton with Phyllis Diller. And also Paul Ford and the Baileys of Balboa.

Wow. That came on the same year Gilligan did. That's right. They laid in a ditch and died. I mean, I think with John MacGyver, he was destined to be a great second banana. Yeah. He should have been a recurring character in someone else's sitcom. Always. How thrilled

he would have been to know that he has talked about this much on this fucking show that John MacGyver His own offspring don't know who he was. He's got a son who's an actor, Boris MacGyver. We know more about him than the son does. But I was going to ask this question.

At what point, Bill, you were developing mimicry skills. At what point did you say this could work for me? This is more than just. You know, I liked the idea that I could mimic certain people or certain characters and stuff. But it was like it dawned on me real early that you'd become a footnote, you know, in voiceover history if you didn't invent one. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, absolutely. It was great to be part of a franchise, you know, like the Warner Brothers stuff, but I wanted someone to show me a picture just like they did in the 1940s at Termite Terrace. You know, they'd show Mel Blanc. What do you think? And they'd show him drawings. And he would go, you know, what did he say one time? They wanted me to do a character named Porky Pig.

And so I went out to the farm. I went up to Oregon. And I slopped around in the pigsty with the pigs. Just to hear them. And he said they went, reet, reet, reet, reet, reet. And then he was going, reet, reet, reet, reet, reet. That's all for air, folks. Sure you did.

Fantastic. What about the guy Arthur Q. Bryan that did Elmer Fudd? Didn't June Foray say he was a pervert? No, she said, oh, he liked little boy. Oh, my God. I'm breaking news here. Elmer Fudd was a pervert. Hello, Hello.

This is Nambua. The man boy Wava. I'm not doing it right because I'm giddy. I apologize. There was that great story of Mel Blanc got into a car accident that nearly killed him. And he was in a coma. And the doctor kept saying to him, you know, Mel, Mr. Blanc, would you please speak to us? And it never worked. And then finally, the doctor goes, I want to speak to Bugs Bunny.

And he came out with a perfect Bugs Bunny. He goes, that's right, folks. Yeah. And he said his characters were alive in him, but he was like practically brain dead. Wow. Yeah. Wow. And he said, after that, he would ask him, he goes, you know, I want to speak to Daffy Duck now.

And he would come out with a perfectly hysterically funny Daffy Duck. But he couldn't say hello in his own voice. He was in a coma. Yeah. Well, that doctor was a genius, man. How come we have people like that now? You know, in case anything happens to us, you know. You guys want to try something out for our listeners?

Yeah. Bill, I sent you something. Okay. You want me to do, are we going to do dueling Frank Fontaines or something? I thought we'd try dueling Peter Lorre's first. Hello, Mr. Donahue. Give him a little crazy since he asked for it.

Oh, yeah. Hi, you two. Hi, you Mr. Donahue. Yeah. Last night I went out with the fuckwatch. He should have just said punchlines. He should have just said punchlines because it took too long to that.

You know, it's like he should have just went, I don't mind you fucking my daughter. Quit using my ass as a scoreboard. For a nickel, I will. Having a stroke. The aristocrat. Don't you think it would be just, it's perfect if you know who he is and you know the stupid joke. You could see it coming up 6th Avenue if they just let out the punchline.

What's so funny, they would use that name Farquad on the Gleason show. And even then, as a kid, like everyone would watch it go, oh, you know, it sounds kind of like fuck. Well, like when Laugh-In would do Funkin' Wagnalls. Oh, yes. It was the same trick. And also, oh, who were the ones that. I didn't know that. Who was the ones that all looked alike?

The Farkel family. Farkel. Mark and Farkel Sparkle that all looked alike? The Farkle family. Farkle. Mark and Farkle Sparkle and the twins Simon and Garfarkle. Yeah, see, they don't make good things like that anymore. What happened to the Farkles and the Pinky Lees and the Soupy Sailses? Dick Martin was the neighbor, Ferd Burfle. Oh, yeah, and they all looked like him. Yeah, and Jonathan Winters was Officer Phil McCorkle.

They probably just let him go. Yep. They probably just let him go. You want to try this dueling? This is Peter Lorre? This is one of Gilbert's favorites, and Billy knows his way around this one, too. So each part is marked. This is dueling Peter Lorre's.

Will people be able to watch this because you'll have to take the camera and put it on a Dutch angle for those old German expressionistic films that he was in? Like a Batman lair? I'd like a couple of hamburgers, please. And make them raw. Go ahead,

Bill. Okay. Okay. Reek, I hope you're more impressed with me now. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll share my luck with your roulette wheel. But Johnny, not tonight. I'm sleepy. We'll do it tomorrow or the next day. Okay, okay, Johnny. Okay, we'll do it. But the quick way, huh? The quick twist. Like in London. You know, it's there all the time.

Driving me out to wander the streets. Following me silently. But I can feel it there. It's me pursuing myself. I want to escape, to escape from myself, but it's impossible. I saw that eye, the eye that kept winking and blinking. I ran out of gas. I can't escape.

That hand, the hand was... What did... Might I remind you, Mr. Speed, that you may have the falcon, but we certainly have you. Mr. Speed, I want that black bird. Where's that black bird? Where's my gunsel? I looked up gunsel in the dictionary. Oh, yeah. And there's two definitions, a man with a gun and the other a guy who likes younger companions.

Really? Like as a punk. Well, they were playing a lot with the gang. With Wilmer. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With Wilmer and also Peter Lorre, who has a scented business card. Joel Cairo.

And Bogart makes that face like, send him right in. Yeah, bring in your gunsel. And I looked it up, so there was an extra dimension to that. You, you banked it! You and your stupid attempt to buy it! Go ahead, Gil. Kevin found out how valuable it was. No wonder we had such an easy time stealing it.

You, you imbecile. You fat, blotted idiot. You stupid fathead. You. That was borrowed for Ren and Stimpy. Thank you, Gilbert. Thank you.

You're going to hit me over some night if you're brave enough. We'll sit around and... Why don't you bring your gunsel in here? You wind them, you dine them, and you put them in your back pocket. And there's a part in Maltese Falcon where Peter Lorre is there with a fancy metal cane handle. And he's holding the cane and he's rubbing the handle of the cane against his mouth as he's talking. Now we know.

Yeah. Now we get it. What a choice though, huh? Yeah. What a choice Peter Lorre know. Yeah. Now we get it. What a choice, though, huh? Yeah. What a choice Peter Lorre made. Yeah. Yeah, and like M, you know, he's not I. Did him crazy.

He's I who am mad. There was a little section you read there from M. That was the third one. That was, by the way, for our listeners, if they're curious, that was from Arsenic and Old Lace, M, Casablanca, and Maltese Falcon, obviously. Nice job, guys. That was wonderful and disturbing. He thinks he murdered his father.

We borrowed that for Ren and Stimpy. He murdered you. And in Arsenic and Old Lace I mean they wound up getting Raymond Massey yeah with Karloff right I thought God that would have been so great Laurie and Karloff

what's weird is that Capra leaves the Karloff jokes in the movie and it's not Karloff so the joke doesn't make any sense because now it's Raymond Massey oh he was the only I guess he was the ultimate Not Karloff. Yeah, and it's not funny. So the joke doesn't make any sense because now it's Raymond Massey. Oh, he was the only, I guess he was the ultimate Abe Lincoln impressionist. Oh, yeah. Because he heard old records of Lincoln speaking, old, you know, phonograph records, phonos or whatever.

And I guess the great-grandson heard Raymond Massey. You sound just like my, you know my great-grandfather or my grandfather. Wow. That's cool. Back in the old days. That's cool. And now I'm the Lincoln. Yes, you are the Lincoln go-to.

Million ways to die in the West. Of course, The View. You were on The View as Lincoln. You know, by the way, the two guys who played that part on Broadway who played Dr. Einstein and Jonathan Brewster were Abe Vigoda. Oh, and one of them, Crane. No, Crane was in the TV movie. In the TV movie.

Bob Crane. Bob Crane. Yeah. Yeah, he played the Cary Grant part. Yes, yes. But on Broadway they did it with Marion Ross. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he played the Cary Grant part. Yes, yes. But on Broadway, they did it with Marion Ross. Oh, yeah. And Jonathan was played, the Karloff character was played by Abe Vigoda.

And Dr. Einstein was played by Larry Storch. Yes. Yeah, and then Bill Hickey. You know, Larry Storch had to throw up before he ever performed. Like, if he was going to go out and do a set, he had to throw up. And I finally met with him, and I said, can I ask you a question? Are you like a fly? You have an incomplete

nervous system and every time you eat, you've got to throw up immediately to go do something else. He's a big talent. He was great. He was so fun. And I remember also in the TV movie, Jack Guilford was Einstein.

Was Einstein, yeah. And, I mean, was it Vigoda also in the TV? I can't remember. I got to look that up. I got to look that up. But the question before, Gil, I want you to answer. Were you doing, were you mimicking movie actors? Were you mimicking stuff off the TV?

You mimicking movie actors? Were you mimicking stuff off the TV? At what point did you start to think this could be something I could run with? It was weird because, you know, I was one of those kids, I'm sure like Billy, who I'd watch way too much TV. All of us. Yeah. And then I started to imitate old movie stars, current actors on shows, and it got me more and more interested in, like, show business. Yep.

That's the same thing with me. If I saw a character like Percy Helton. Love Percy Helton. Steve Stoller does a great Percy Helton. You know who he is? Oh, do you? Of course. We were, like, cut from the same plant or something.

The same pod. But I've been using him a little bit lately for animation. And he was this frantic little man. Yeah. And he was in this movie where he lived next door to this frowsy, you know, questionable blonde who was trying to hustle a diner owner behind his wife's back. And he'd catch her coming home and he said, oh, Billy, you know, I want to make you dinner, Billy. You just have this weird little voice, frantic little man. I saw what you did, Billy.

Who was that guy, that weird looking guy, I got a block on his name. Yeah. The red hair, he had like red hair, very skinny, and he used to do like Disney stuff. Sterling Holloway? Yes.

No, that wasn't Sterling. He had red hair. He was an American. Sterling Holloway had, he had red hair. Was it Sterling Holloway? Yeah, he was kind of goofy. Yeah, yes. He played professors. Oh, yeah.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Sterling. Yeah. I can't do him, but my friend Jim Cummings has been doing Winnie the Pooh forever, and he just nails it. It's, you know, like chilling how good. Now, do you do a John Fielder?

Oh, Fiedler. Fiedler. John Fiedler. Yeah. He's another boy man. Yeah. You know? Like Percy Helton.

Yeah, a boy man. Yep. A little voice that, you know, he's like the, uh. I'm going to make you suffer. Die, die. You're going to die. And he was in 12 Angry Men. That's right.

That's right. I've heard about enough of this. Who was the guy that Stoliar did on the show? Percy Kilbride? Do I have the right actor? Who played Pa Kettle? the show um percy kilbride do i uh do i have the right actor i can't who was who played pop mock uh pa kettle cursey for cursey percy kilbride yeah and marjorie main was uh ma kettle yeah i'm trying to think i think i got the i think i got the wrong guy it'll come to me I think I remember as a kid watching TV and going, ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.

But were you doing the MacGyvers and the James Masons as a kid? No, give him a moment. Let him bask in some glory here. He just did John F. Kennedy. And he has the most evil John F. Kennedy joke I ever heard in my life. Oh my

God. Yeah, I used to... His head wouldn't stop bleeding, so they put a box of tampons in it. I don't know. I don't know what it was, but it was awful, terrible. And it was funnier than hell. No, I...

Well, I do. I did have a joke. I said, I was at a party and I ran into Jackie Onassis and I wanted to play a little party game to help break the ice. So I said,

Do you remember where you were and what you and she just walked away ask not what marilyn monroe can do for you ask what you can do for marilyn mon will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast but first a word from our sponsor now were you telling us this story someone was that they had these girls called the After 10 Girls. That wasn't my story. No.

Someone told me. Yeah, I know the story, but I don't remember who told it. They were basically like hookers on the payroll. They had an acting contract, and someone said Marilyn Monroe was one of those. You said Marilyn Monroe was one of those. At the risk of incurring, you know, like modern day thinking, you know, progressive thinking. Yes. with a particular woman because out of nowhere, for no reason at all, the most beautiful woman in the world would walk by a desk and stop and play with her hair and then keep walking once, the whole thing.

And you said, yeah, yeah, yeah, the producer, yeah. Yeah. He's humping her all right. Oh, is he ever. Some humper he was. You mentioned Jim Cummings, who's a big talent. We had Rob Paulson here. Oh, Robbie. He's the greatest. He's just, he's amazing. I don't know how you guys do what you do. Oh, no, you know, it's just, I get inspired, you know, I knew a lot of, well, not a lot, but a few voice guys that were extremely jealous of anybody else that was doing a part because they secretly thought they could do it better.

And it's like the same tide raises all boats. I used to come into a session and see Jimmy Cummings firing on all eight cylinders, and I'd be like, yeah, man, geez, look at this guy go. Look at who I'm part of here, Robbie Paulson and Maurice LaMarche, all those guys. Yeah, yeah. And Welker, of course, who's otherworldly. Oh, Frank, he's the Mac Daddy. Frank Welker was the tiger in Aladdin and the monkey. The sounds that he makes come out of his body.

Yes, he has control over every chamber in that body. He can do dogs. You know, like when the dog is mad, they can't make the dog bark mad. You know, they can teach him to chase somebody, but Frank would have to do a mad dog or a laughing dog or a happy dog, but make it sound like a dog. And what's so funny about guys with that talent, like Frank Welker and a few others who are brilliant at animal sounds, is that they'll do nature documentaries, nature specials, that they'll film in Africa,

and they'll hire these guys to be the sounds of the jungle. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. But can they do Jerry the Belly Button Elf? Oh, one of my favorites. And they used you for a piece of corn that was riding the colon subway. I remember that. Yeah, there was a penny.

Things that couldn't be digested, so they'd wind up in this subway on the call and they played that city music. And it was a penny and corn sitting next to it. And I remember with that, they called it Jerry the Belly Button Elf because they originally wanted Jerry Lewis. Oh. And then when they hired me, I started throwing in like a lot of Lewis. Like, I love with the lint loaf and the thing with the person. I hate lt love. Women are not funny.

Did he say that once? Yeah, he did. I don't know so many words, but he did. Your story about meeting Jerry, too, is a fun one, Bill. Oh, when I said. I went backstage with. Oh, gosh, who was it? It was Tom Kane, who played the mayor on – what's that cartoon? The Powerpuff Girls.

Uh-huh. He went with us, and Tom Kenny. Oh, Tom's another guy. Yeah. Great talent. Tom is the funniest thing in pants. So here we are. We're going to meet Jerry Lewis.

Our knees are knocking. And we'd made arrangements, but they got his manager, and they said, we want to come back and meet Jerry. Well, look, everybody wants to meet Jerry. I don't know if I can accommodate you. Well, we're on all the Nickelodeon cartoons. His daughter, Danielle, the 8-year-old, knows. And all right, I'll call you back.

Guy calls right back immediately. Jerry, we'll see you right after the show in the dressing room. So I come in into the dressing room with these other guys, and there were posters of all of his movies in glass frames and stuff. And his little daughter's walking around, and she has no idea who that is. Oh. You know, she has no idea that he once was in an elevator going, I'm looking for Mr. Bay Woldenthal.

No, no, Mr. Bay Woldenthal. Mr. Bay Woldenthal. Bay. Bay. Then. Then. You know, she had no idea. And so we went in and there he was.

He was in a red windbreaker. And I always thought he was tall and he was like sort of like my size, which is really kind of short. He probably shrunk a little. But he was going to take a picture with all of us. And there were plants in his room. And he finessed one of the biggest fern leaves like where his ass is, you know. So before the picture, it would spring up between his legs. You know, so before the picture, it would spring up between his legs.

And he went, he did the perfect thing you'd think he would do. Did you see that? I grew a fern. I grew a fern. Did you see that? And I said, Jerry, I went to, I walked for about three, four, five miles to go to the Royal Theater in Royal Oak, Michigan to watch you do a stage show. He was promoting the movie The Nutty Professor. And I said, I couldn't wait to see you.

I wanted to see you so bad. And he goes, well, never mind that. Boy, was I horrid for that picture. That's what he thought of a personal appearance. He was whoring. Stars used to come and show up in theaters. You know, people don't remember that.

Yes. Yes. You guys want to talk a little Stooges? Oh, absolutely. Let's talk about Joe Dorita. Let's talk about Joe Dorita.

Fucking Joe Dorita. Let's talk about Joe Dorita. Fucking Joe Dorita's family owns the Three Stooges fortune. How did he pull that? He was the zero-talented stooge. Was he the only one living at the time? He might have been the only one standing. Well, you see, one day, Moe's daughter wasn't looking. You're not going to hit me, are you, one day, Moe's daughter wasn't looking. He sounds like that. You're not going to hit me, are you, buddy boy?

Yeah, buddy boy was his big thing. Buddy boy. Yeah, it was like, you know, a schmuck, and he would go, buddy boy. Yeah, and it's like, I just always felt like it's like they needed a third one, and they went out in the street and saw a fat, bald guy. Yeah. That's all it was. Good enough. Joe Dorito was in those old short subjects that I think, who was it made those?

Gosh, Columbia. There was a lot of guys like Ben Turpin had short subject and Hugh Herbert. Oh, that's right. Sharp had his own short subjects. Oh, and Pete Smith. Pete Smith, yeah. Yeah, and so did – Edgar Kennedy, did he have shorts too?

Yeah, he did. He did. But they – and they used Joe Derita. He had a short or something like that. And he was trying to fix a refrigerator. You know, these new inventions, they're throwing me. You know, and he just goes, oh, wow, that's great. That's Joe Derita, all right.

You know. Hey, Mo. You know. Hey, Mo, you think we did the wrong thing by letting that Joe Dorita in here? The trail is losing its dynamic. Yeah, you're probably right. Oh, Joe. I don't want to stop him.

Did Joe Besser steal his act from Baby Schnooks from the radio? Yes. Yeah. Oh, shut up. I don't have to. You. I don't know. He was.

It was a little Burt Lahr. Yeah. Yeah. And a little Baby Schnucks. He rocked to a certain degree, but nothing that could snore in on the dynamic between Larry and Mo. I didn't know he was contractually prevented from being hit, Joe Besser. I knew he didn't want to be. Yeah.

He didn't want to be hit. I didn't know it was in the contract. You want to be a stooge. You can't wait your whole life. Your number's up. They finally make you a stooge, and you can't be hit. What a pussy. Imagine the stooges without violence.

It's like, hey, Mo, I'm looking out this window at the ocean. Yeah, it's pretty placid, isn't it, porcupine? You know, it's like, even though it claims ships and it claims lives. Yeah, but what I like about the ocean is the way it slaps around the boats, like I used to do to you and Kurt. No violence. No violence. No violence. I was watching a short.

We fucked up with Joe DiRitimo. Come on, say it. I was watching Disorder in the Court. I'm still trying to figure out why there's a letter press in the courtroom. Oh, of course. So Curly can get his head put in there. Yeah, well, they had stuff like that in official buildings, federal buildings and stuff. You had to have a letter press.

But the funniest thing in that stupid movie is one thing that the judge said. And that stupid movie is one thing that the judge said. You know, this parrot comes in out of nowhere, and he saw everything, and the parrot's giving them clues, and he goes, Ha, ha, ha, ha, find the letter, find the letter. And the judge says in all seriousness, What does this parrot mean by find the letter? Dead on.

I mean, I didn't laugh at anything else in that except when mo small swallowed the harmonica and then there was one movie where they're in a high society uh of course dinner party and they and they're making a cake and and they say to the woman, oh, shit, no, the woman goes, I'll reach into the cabinet and get me the marshmallows. And there's one box marked clearly marshmallows, and right next to it, the other one is bubble gum. Now, why would a high society woman... Society matron.

Yeah, right out with the silverware and the bone china dishes, there's bubble gum. Give him the good bubble gum. And the good chocolate. By the way, that judge in Disorder in the Court, this is really weird trivia, was played by an actor named Edward LeSaint.

And he's notable because he's in Horse Feathers and Duck Soup. Wow. It was like a crossbreeding of comedy. Everybody was everywhere. Vernon Dent. Oh, he was great. You know, I thought he was like this big snapping turtle, always played such a put-out man or pissed off or at his wits' end. And he played guitar.

Wow. You know, he played, as a matter of fact, he was in some movie, and the movie poster had him holding an electric guitar. Wow. Geez. Didn't he go blind? Yes. Vernon Dent? Yeah. Vernon Dent in his last years was blind. Wow. Geez. Didn't he go blind? Yes. Vernon Dent? Yeah. Vernon Dent

in his last years was blind. And someone told me a story that Mo used to stop over and visit him. And whenever Mo stopped over his house, he brought a bag of groceries

that he'd secretly put in the refrigerator. And then put his head in a letter press. Oh, you. What's the matter with you? He's telling a really heartfelt, sorry story. I apologize. Here's the question. Will we do those things?

Will you ever go to the nursing home and ask for George Lopez He's in 306 What's in that bag sir? Oh some oranges A Clark bar I can't go on A Clark bar. I can't go on. And Chimp used to appear in Abbott and Costello movies. He did indeed.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, he played like some Navy cook when they were at sea. Oh, yeah. I used to see him be a put-out Navy cook. Yeah. He was miscast. I think he's either in Buck Privates or Buck Privates Come Home.

I think he's in one of those two. I hope I'm not misspeaking. Billy, I learned from you that Shemp and Lon Chaney Jr., that there was an attempt to put them together as a poor man's Abbott and Costello. Wow. Jigsaw and Benny the Bounce. Do you know this? Well, I have to be able to go... Oh, nothing doing, kid.

Did you know this? Nothing doing, kiddo. No. They were paired in a movie called San Antonio Rose, and they did a very poor man's Abbott and Costello act. Oh, my God. I would love to have seen that. Whatever happens in that room, whatever you hear, lock the door.

Don't let me out after midnight. What do you know about fake Shem? Oh, come on. I brought home a six-pack, Lou. What do you know about fake Shem? It's the wolf man. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Fake Shemp.

I don't know. Joe Parma. Joe Parma? Fake Shemp. Oh, the fake Shemp. That's right. Yeah. Where did they find him?

Shemp had died, and they still had three shorts. They had it complete. Oh, because they said, the back of your neck looks like shems. And you look like you got your hair cut with a bowl from a Chinese restaurant. And he moved around. The best way to explain it was he moved around like on Seinfeld, where it was George Steinbrenner. He would like start running sideways and bouncing from side to side. And that's what phony Shemp used to do.

He'd, like, jump from foot to foot to make himself, like, wobble so you couldn't see the face. Can you imagine some actor that was his ambition to be a phony Shemp? And Shemp was voted ugliest man in Hollywood in 1940. No! Oh, come on, fellas. Haunted houses have bats. What a hideous, monstrous face.

You guys want to try this one? Well, okay. For Les? Yeah, who's who? You would be in the... Gilbert. Oh, this one. Yeah, this one here.

Let's see. Now, I thought that Billy could do his choice of Jay Leno or Larry Fine. For which character? You would be Tommy. Okay. And Gilbert, you would be Henry. I'll do the best I can. Who do you want to do?

You want to do Larry? No, I'll do Jay. You'll do Leno? I'll do the best that I can. Okay. And Gil, why don't you? I don't come in to suck. It's really my intention to do something as well as I can.

You know, and I'll admit it if it's piss poor or if it's half assed. We don't have to use it. Who do you want to do? You want to do James Mason? Oh, okay. All right. So I'm Henry Hill. Yep.

Okay. I feel like it's an audition. Gilbert Gottfried and I'm here to re-friend, you know? I'll read you in. Yes. I'll read you in you're a pistol you're really funny you're really funny

wait a minute wait a second what do you mean I'm funny oh yes it's funny you know it's a good story Oh, yes. It's funny, you know. It's a good story. It's funny. You're a funny guy.

Wait a second. You mean you like the way I... What? It's just, you know, you're funny. It's funny, you know, you're funny. It's funny, you know, the way you tell the story and everything. Okay, okay, come on now, funny how? What's funny about it? I had to do that low J voice.

What do you mean? We have a great show next week. Okay, I'll do it. Just... What? What? Just, you know, you're funny. Wait a second.

Wait a minute now. You mean, let me understand this, because, yeah, and maybe it's me, maybe I'm a little fucked up, you know, but I'm funny how? Funny like a clown. I amuse you. I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you.

What do you mean funny? Funny how? Teach me how to be funny because I need late night shows again. Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, how you tell a story. What? No. No.

No, I don't know. You said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny, okay? Well, how the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me what's funny. Get the fuck

out of here, Tommy. Oh, you motherfucker. I almost had him. Yeah. You stuttering prick, I'm running out of insults and invectives. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes,

Henry. You may fall under, you know. You know, it's funny. I can do the high-pitched Jay Leno voice, but this is the first time I've heard the deep Jay Leno voice. We've got a great show for you next week. Wynton Marsalis. And, you know, they tried to book Marty Ingalls, and I said no. I said tacit.

I don't know. You know what this is, though? Gilbert does the same. You profile a situation that could have happened or could never happen in a zillion years. You just profile what on earth they would have said. Yes. Because when Gilbert and I aren't doing characters, I think we run out of stuff to say at the very same time. And it's awkward.

Can I ask you a couple of questions from the fans, Bill? Yes. This is... Yeah, why not? You know, I like to answer questions. I've never heard anybody do the range of Leno either, the high and the low. It's brilliant.

But it is like we'll run enough stuff to say, and then we're basically like voices coming out with stuff. Yes. Yeah. Like, oh, I don't know, just pick somebody. Captain Kangaroo. Oh, Mr. Moose. This is from Ray Gustini, one of our listeners.

He says, Bill, love you. Marge Schott missed out on the entire steroid era in baseball. Would she have any thoughts in retrospect? I don't care what white players do. I don't care how they win. Come on, it's the future. If you want to stick needles in your ass with junk and juice in it,

like a pegboard, like a goddamn pincushion, go right ahead. Roger Clemens, he was my hero. Here's another one from Thad Komorowski. Hey, Billy, we all know Futurama, Ren, and Stimpy. Are there any roles that you wish, any roles of yours that you wish were better known or that more people got a chance to hear? No.

I was a journeyman. From day one, I just said, I'm happy to have a goddamn job. You know, I was happy. I didn't care who did what. I didn't care who liked what. I didn't care who liked what. It was just an assignment. And, of course, I fell in love with everything that I did. But some stuff, you know, the pitch might be low and inside, you know.

Well, it's funny. What always got me, you know, you'll hear black actors say, well, they always cast me as a gang member. Or women would say, I was just the girlfriend. And I thought, you're being cast. Yes. Yeah. It's a job, for Christ's sakes. What's the matter with you?

You know, my uncles would be up like in heaven right now, my old Irish uncles. You had a chance to work for 18 hours a day and you didn't do it. You fucking asshole. You asshole. Because they worked. They would get so drunk, they would go past happy hour and get to be 10 and it's like, oh Jesus,

they're going to be closing down. So he would just leave his stool and go down to work and sleep in the doorway until it was time for them to open up for work. Amazing. Wow. Amazing. Come on, get up, you bums. You want to work? Yeah. How did you come to succeed Casey as Shaggy, Bill? Is there any story attached to it? Yeah, there is. He was a vegan or a vegetarian. And he finally, like he took this really serious, the shaggy role, and he was in the middle of one of the lines, and I guess he said something like, you know,

come on, Scoob, let's get a Scooby snack. Why does it always have to be meat? You know, he just started pontificating. Why don't they eat vegetables? And so he didn't want to do it anymore. It was a gig, you dummy. The same thing, yeah. Keep the gig.

Is there anything else? What's wrong? Someone wrote that. You didn't write that. I always felt like if God came down and said, from now on, you'll work constantly, but you'll only be the Pierre the French chef, I'd go fine. I would, too. Yeah. Slap the mustache on me and fine. I wouldn't, you know, sit there and laugh while they're stealing my shoes.

I'd try to make the best deal I could for Frenchie the French chef or Pierre. Ricky the bricklayer. Yes. You love that Casey Kasem tape, by the way? Yes. The infamous tape? Yes. With Snuggles?

It's about a little dog named Snuggles. And he's yelling and saying, By the way, why am I sitting here doing a goddamn death dedication to a dog? You know that tape, Gil? Yes. You know who's funnier than that? His wife. Jean Kasem?

Yeah. She started throwing hamburger at the police when they came to see if he was there to get him out of there. Oh, geez. Go ahead. You want meat? Meat? Take it. You know, referring to her husband, but she never set that up.

So she's throwing raw hamburger at the cops. And my big, goofy wife, Jean. Yeah, I remember. He says, I'm supposed to do an introduction, and I'm talking about a fucking dog dying. Yeah. Beautiful. Snuckles.

Hey, you know what it means? That he was discerning with his American Top 40s. Not like that dopey Shadow Stevens. You're also a fan of the Buddy Rich tape. Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, God. How dare you motherfuckers play like that for me?

Play that shit for me? You play like fucking children out there. I should come over there with a pail and a shovel and some sand. Maybe you'll play better for me. You know, he was just, he was out of his mind. Clams. And then there was the- Clams!

New sounds, new bending. What is this? In the bass, in the trumpet, you got your bells so shoved up far up your ass. And there was the Paul Anka tape. That's another good one. Yeah, it works. It's not even- That's the fucking way it is.

No, but I mean, it wasn't funny. It was eerie. Yeah, the guys wear shirts. Because he wrote the Kodak theme, you know. Only yesterday. And Diana. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And then you hear this gremlin mad at the world. What's the matter? What's the matter with you? You're one of the most successful songwriters of all time. Angry guy. I'm a proud Egyptian. What is it? What is it?

The guys wear shirts. Yeah, something. Well, Brian Koppelman gave that tape to Pacino when they were making Ocean's 13, I Slice Like a Hammer. So it turns up in the movie. Yeah, and he was saying, that's the fucking way it is. He keeps saying it over and over. When I slice, I slice like a hammer. Buddy would walk up and down on the tour bus after a gig, gig and he'd be like building up his raids and then he

would explode on somebody and you what are you doing get that beard off I don't think I will shave it off you'll shave it off this ain't the fucking house of David this is a band the Buddy Roots band a band with faces no beards

what do you do for me I don't even know who you you know and the guy would say, I wrote the chart for... He had an English band, obviously. I wrote the chart for I'll Take Manhattan. Oh, yeah? Well, you can take Manhattan and get off this fucking bus right now.

Right now. I'll give you a right-hander to the brain if you have one up there. Bill, I know you're a Twilight Zone fan. Did you see Richard Donner on the way out? Yes. Yeah. Yes.

He directed the Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. I'm really funny like that. You know, I mean, I can't go running up to people. Yeah. You know, it just sort of has to happen. Like, oh, by the way, this is, yeah. Like, nobody introduced me to Albert Brooks. I was at this party, and he was looking at me because I think he knows who I am from the Stern Show.

And I didn't know what to say, and I was just kind of like too shy. You know, I don't know. I'm weird like that. But I'll make sure that I get introduced to him next time. I like him. Oh, he's just wonderful. He's the best. And also Man From U.N.C.L From Uncle, which was your favorite show as a kid.

He directed a lot of those. This is Robert Vaughn. Let's see what thrush that evil organization has in store for us next week. And I am Eli Kuyakin. Like my friend Napoleon, I come and I go. No, and everybody knows the new man from Uncle. Yeah, the old one was just. We've got to get David McCallum.

Oh, that's right. We've got to find him. He's still going strong. Get him on here. Bill, in the time we have left, do you want to talk about the death of Ted Healy, the mysterious death of Ted Healy, or do you want to talk a little bit about the genesis of Larry Fine at Woodstock, which I'm only doing because I know our listeners want to hear a little bit of it?

Oh. Well, Ted Healy, I mean, I don't even know. He's just like, he was not a good leader. He was just like by de facto because he was Mo's friend. He said, I got an idea. You guys just screw around and I'll slap you and warn you. You know, that was his whole thing. But it didn't work.

It was never funny. And he didn't work. It was never funny, and he didn't know how to flow with them. He was like a square peg, but he ran the show. But he died, he drank himself to death, I think. Well, they say he was in a bar fight at the Trocadero. Yeah, I think he was stabbed to death, or beaten to death. Beaten, beaten. They say by

Cubby Broccoli, the James Bond producer, and his cousin. Oh, wow. Who was a mob writer. Really? Yeah, Cubby Broccoli and his cousin, producer and his cousin. Oh, wow. Who was a mob writer. Really? Yeah, Cubby Broccoli and his cousin who was married to Thelma Todd and Gloria Vanderbilt. And Wallace Beery was there. To spoil everything. He picked a fight. Yeah. And maybe it was covered up by the restaurant owners or by, who knows, by the studio.

Covered up by the restaurant owners or by, who knows, by the studio. And Ted Healy, I forget, it may have been a Bela Lugosi picture, one of these real low-budget horror movies where he was the wisecracking reporter. Yes. And he kept popping up. And it was one of these where you go this guy was with the Stooges he isn't funny at all he probably

I don't know I mean I had those guys in my family they thought they were a crack up you know and they were all like you know these boyos these Irish boyos with the map of Ireland written on their face and they have a couple of drinks and, you know. I got a dirty joke for you.

Did you hear about the guy that couldn't come? We had to go get him. See me falta. You know, all this Celtic stuff. May the wind be always up your ass. And when the Stooges just became the Three Stooges, it's like Moe became the new Ted Healy. Yeah, pretty much.

He was ordering them around, smacking them. But Moe wasn't just like farting around you know while he was not being the boss he was he was an actor yes you know he used to go out and do these these shows probably 10 nights i mean 10 nights in one town and um you know he learned his craft and he he was good enough to play Remember when they switched roles one time? There was a Pullman car that Larry stole it. It was a train car. It was like a dining car.

Yes. And he hid it in the woods, and Mo was the, I'm the state inspector. I heard you had a train car here. Well, you're sitting on a platform. What do you think it is? And Larry was trying to be Stanley Kowalski with a spattered T-shirt. Hey, what's the big idea? Saying that crap to my girl.

And Champ was drunk throughout the whole thing. Yes. He would drink this fire water and be like, you know. It was all the stooge noises at once. They had a giant canary. Named Carrie. Yeah, he'd show up in a giant scary. Here we go.

Yeah, it was coots on a juju. Oh. That? No, it was painooks on a juju. Oh. No, it was pain in the Pullman. I think pain in the Pullman was another. You mean they did two of them? We're having an intellectual film discussion about whether it was pain in the Pullman or kooks on a juju. I know. We should do dueling Peter Bogdanoviches.

We're analyzing this movie. Analyzing. But you know what? There is nothing better in the world, if you ask me, than sitting down with somebody who will just say something stupid that takes you right back to that moment. It is funny. Larry is doing this character that's not at all like Larry.

No. And when you watch that movie, you go, they must have been dropping acid. Because even by three Stooges standards. But the year would have made it, they probably just saw Streetcar Named Desire. Probably the big film that year. And so, Larry, do you think you can step into a new role? Like be the asshole that tells everybody else what to do and be half shot? And, oh, I don't know, I'll try it.

You know, and it was like you know you know because because what's his ass sounded like larry a little bit when he was yelling i can't even remember his name some reviewer i am i love when you talk about how the the similarities between george o'hanlon's jetson and larry because they were from the same part they were both they were from philly from philly the same the same part. They were from Philly. From Philly. The same sound. There was something in the water there. There was something in their DNA

that blocked their nose to their mouth. It was like a roadblock there because Larry would be like, hey, Mo, you put too much stencil on the tree. You know when you got to blow your nose and you can't find a handkerchief? Hey, I got to blow my nose. You know, and George O'Hanlon was like,

Oh, come on, Janie, honey, the clean is 500 miles away. It'll take an extra five minutes just to get there. We got to let this man go. Larry, you want to come into a nice hot tub of Soundwaves? We got to let this man go. Larry, you want to come into a nice hot tub of Soundwaves? Oh, boy, I haven't had a bath in Soundwaves since July 4th, 1910. A nice hot tub of Soundwaves. That's what I remember about the Jetsons.

And they'll have them. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Life is Good, that company. What is it? Life is Good, LG. LG will come up with a hot tub of sound waves for everybody. What do you think? Should we wrap it up?

Okay. I don't want to leave. You know that. Bill, it's too good. We could do eight hours. I know, but when I first came on the podcast, Gilbert was going, well, the old clock on the wall says, you know, and I was like, I said, wait a minute,

wait a minute. What do you mean you have to go? Are you that busy? Trying to terrorize me? I'm nervous as it is. Give us a little post-stroke, Larry. Would you? Oh, boy.

Sorry. sorry when Mo came up with the idea to poke you in the eyes except he didn't really do it he would just hit over your eyes I mean that takes a lot of talent

and then those guys in the factory, the sound factory would put in the sound effects hey what time is it? he asked some guy near him This guy's in the factory, the sound factory, putting in the sound effects. Hey, what time is it? He asked some guy near him. He goes, hey, what time is it? Guy goes, 5 o'clock.

You know, like he was late for something. He's all straight. I got to get to the cafeteria to that pablum dinner. 5 o'clockclock I don't know oh my god you know what when I first saw that tape they just showed the screen

and there he is looking at you cause they were waiting for him he was waiting for them to ask him a question and it looks like one of the screens

on Star Trek where that head would just be there and look at you absolutely people of earth that head would just be there and look at you. Absolutely. People of Earth, throw away your hot sticks to shoot metal.

Okay, now I have to wrap up. All right, I love you very much. I hold you in high esteem. Thank you. And you too, Frank. Thank you, Bill. You're the best. A show like this that needs a producer. I'm Gilbert Godfrey.

This has been Gilbert Godfrey's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre. And we have been talking to one of the kings of the voiceovers, Billy West. Oh, Billy. Thank you, Gilbert. Thank you, Frank. You are something else. Thank you, pal.