Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Christmas 2019 ENCORE with Mario Cantone

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

GGACP celebrates Christmas 2024 with this ENCORE of a holiday installment (from 2019) featuring the podcast's own winter warlock, Mario Cantone. In this episode, Mario and the boys discuss misleading movie titles, politically correct Christmas carols, the genius of Paul Frees (and Frank Loesser) and the 80th anniversary of “The Wizard of Oz.” Also: Jack Cassidy teams with Jim Backus, Judy Garland locks horns with Busby Berkeley, Ricardo Montalban serenades Esther Williams and Gilbert gets accosted by Snow White. PLUS: Jan-Michael Vincent! Lucille Ball sings! “Christmas on the Ponderosa”! Tony Curtis tells off Danny Kaye! And “Frosty the Snowman” turns 50! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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for our annual Christmas episode, because after six years of doing this show he's become as much of a holiday tradition as you logs figgy pudding and your drunk uncle screaming about socialism okay you said you logs which represents something phallic, which represents dick to me. Yes, yes. So that's offensive.

And then you said figgy pudding, take the I out and put an A and it's faggy pudding. I'm so fucking offended already, Gilbert. Okay. It's the tradition of dicks and faggy pudding. That's right. I love that. Very nice. He's off on a quick roll. And chick-fil-a for everybody. Yeah. Faggy pudding that's right

For everybody Someone brought chick-fil-a And I actually had a piece and they're square they're cubes of chicken. I'm like where are the fucking bases? They're cubes. I'm like can you, can you play craps with them? I cannot believe they're cubes. I'm chicken. Thank you, Dave Simon for the Chick-fil-A. Yeah, get it out of here. Throw water on it. Step on it. Shit on it. Do something with it. He's an actor, singer, writer. You're going to continue?

Go ahead. I'm an actor, singer, writer. A fig. A fig. A comic. A comic. Yeah. Keep it up, J-Boy. Come on, keep it up! They called you J-boy, what the fuck was that? Because I was afraid to say the real word. J-boy, keep it up! Come on my little Jewish elf. Is that when you're having sex with a Jew? Yes, I go, yeah take it J-boy! That's right. Or take it Jew boy. Oh yeah. Some of the most

beautiful men I've ever seen are young Jewish boys. It's a traditional Christmas episode. What famous Jew celebrities would you like to have sex with? Let's see, well Tony Curtis in his day was quite handsome. Oh, yes. I thought it was beautiful. Yeah, even you could go for that skill, right? Who, who, I mean, you know, so many of them were in the closet as far as being Jewish. Like, you didn't know. They didn't, like, you know. Kirk Douglas. Kirk Douglas was really hot. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his son Michael. Yes. Mm-hmm. Anybody else?

Benjamin Disraeli? Who the fuck is he? Now, I think the guy that played Christ was Jewish. What was his name? Neely what's see now? No way back way back Jeffrey hunter Jeffrey hunter I think it's you Paul Newman was fucking gorgeous. Oh, you know, yeah There you go. Oh, yeah, he was the one yeah There's only a few of you at this point, so I was wrong You want to try to get through that?

What about Zac Efron of current Jews? Oh, he's very he's a yes gorgeous boy. Yeah Norman fell let me hold on to the comb over while he fucks me. What? Norman Fell. Lord Perfect. Oh absolutely. Let me hold on to the comb over while I blow him. Yeah.

You want to get through this? I'll keep going, sorry. Let him at least read the intro. Oh, Lauren Charvey. Oh, the Manchurian candidate. Yeah, he was okay. Yeah, okay. Oh, that one you didn't like so much. He's alright now. This is exactly what happened last year. I'm sorry I disappointed you, okay? When Richard Kine couldn't get on the plane. That's exactly what happened. Cary Grant! I heard it was you. Well, was he? Because he was phenomenal. I was just watching a picture of his yesterday. It was the Bishop's wife.

Oh, yes. Loretta Young? You know, she had a child. No, she had a child with Gary Cooper. Loretta Young? Yeah, and she put it up for adoption and then she adopted it. Oh! You know that story? There's a book about it. Oh, that's scary. That the daughter wrote. All right, keep going. Hurry up.

Okay. Beautiful Christmas story. This is exhausting. He's an actor, singer, writer, amateur film and theatre historian and one of the funniest and most beloved stand-up comedians in the business. Well, that's

debatable. You know his Goethe-put-em- ... ... Can you call an Italian Goethehe a little too earthy and epic? Go ahead. From dozens of TV shows, including Sex and the City, Men in Trees, The President Show, Chappelle Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

Oh, that was 90 years ago. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. That was 90 years ago. And Mom. Oh yes, I just did Mom and I'll be on the new season of Better Things with Pam Adlon. Oh, Better Things. Very good. Very excited about that.

Yes. To name a few. Uh huh. He's also starred on stage in Broadway and Off-Broadway productions such as Stephen Sondheim's Assassins. He wrote it, it's Stephen Sondheim's Assassins. Stephen Sondheim's Assassins. Much better reading, use that take please. Love, Valor, Compassion.

Love, Valor, there's no Valor. Yeah, it took place in the 70s. Do you know, do you know, one time I was doing something, a voiceover for Saturday Night Live and they, for mine, when they were introducing my character, they originally introduced it as Nathan Lane and I said, oh so he wouldn't do it and they said he wouldn't do it because Jason Alexander yes was gonna be he hates Jason Alexander Alexander played actually did the role in the movie

I replaced Nathan role as Nathan Lane as buzz in the Tony award-winning Valor Compassion. Love Valor Compassion? Written by Terrence Rignali. But do you know the reason he hates Jason Alexander? Why? Because he ended up playing him in the movie because Nathan couldn't do it. Well Jason Alexander said that he was the only straight guy to ever have been in that. Well you know what? He did say that in the press and that was kind of stupid on his part.

You don't...why? And I understand why Nathan was upset about it. I think we were all upset about it. I was upset I didn't get to do the fucking movie. But unfortunately I was 36 at the time and I looked like I was 24. So I looked, John Glover who was playing my lover, looked like my grandfather. So it didn't work out. Yeah, Gil.

But go ahead. I like it better as Love Valor compassion. I know that's a lot. Love Valor. The story of Mr. Blackwell. Love Valium compulsion. Go ahead. To name a few.

Oh God. He's also star- oh no, no, I did that already. Yeah, you did, keep going. And the Tempest, the Violet Hour. Oh, fuck the Tempest! Yes. The Violet Hour was a big bomb! Yeah.

What? When did you get these credits? He was in the Violet Hour. I did, it was written for me and it was a bomb. It was the Violet Hour with Mario Cantone. Yes it was. We have special guests. Mario Cantone from the Violet Hour. Okay great. That's the big credit. What's the last one! And on your tombstone you want to say, I've seen in the Violet Hour. Yes, by Ronco! What's the last one? Read the last line!

Okay, it's not the last line. And it's Tony nominated one man show, Laugh Horror. Now that's a good credit. Also, the Violet Owl. We'll make the introduction even longer, but he's impatient and we have a lot to- Please welcome our very own Cricket of the Hearth and the man who couldn't be more wrong on the subject of Mr. Magoo's Christmas carol. Fuck you!

Fuck you, you Razzleberry cock shit! Fucking Razzleberry pussy! Why don't you go lick some Razzleberry pussy! If I could find it, I would! Yes, you would! Yes! It comes in a can! Can I have a quick one my three with rattle-berry dressing?

Just, OK, shut up. Just shut up. Elvira and Colin. Elvira and Colin. That's not from Mr. McGraw. Oh, that's not from Burlap. It's Burlap. Back, back, back, back on Broadway.

I'm like, who wrote that melodic tune? Julie Stein? That's appalling. Millions of feet alone in the world make such a lonely sound. Can you finish the intro please? Alright, I'm here. Mario Cantone's here. Wrong! I'm okay. The one, the only, unmistakable and quite possibly a fag. Oh hurry up. I just had a litter of puppies.

Hurry up! Welcome back, Mary. Thank you, I so- Mario Canto. Oh, thank you. Who you might remember from the Violin Hour. Violin Hour, that's right. If I have stories about that show, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, you have no idea.

Also our friend Seth Saltzman is in the house. Seth is here. Thank you, good to be here. The Music Man, Seth! Thank you, Mary. A company-ist extraordinaire. Boy oh boy, oh boy. You have no idea also our friend Seth Saltzman is in the house a company extraordinaire He's a Jew The two Jews We've got the mafia behind us and Martin Scorsese's the Irishman Have you seen what I thought was magnificent? I don't think it's his best movie, but it's pretty magnificent. It's long.

And I think Pesci's fantastic. His aging thing at the end is brilliant. I thought that Pacino was wonderful, but it is Robert De Niro's movie. It absolutely is. No question. Playing an Irishman. He's magnificent. I know.

You got to kind of... But he is part Irish, isn't he? Come on. With that schnoz, he's Italian. Jimmy Conway, right? And Goodfellas was an Irishman. Well, he was? Yeah, supposedly. Jimmy the Gent.

Oh yeah, that's true. Gil, have you seen it yet? Irishman? I started watching it, I'll have to watch it. And then you fell asleep cause you're 90. Yeah. Did you start watching on Netflix? Yeah. Yeah, I went to the Belasco and saw it on the big screen.

That's the way you got to do it. I knew I wouldn't make it through three and a half hours on my couch. I just can't do it. Yeah. No, I can't. It's too long. I just got Disney+. I'm just doing everything.

How do you like that? I like it. Well, you know, there's a few things missing. Yeah, 1967's The Happiest Millionaire with Fred McMurray is missing. Oh my God, John Davidson. John Davidson, Leslie Warren. Who was in that chair? It's one of my favorite movies.

It was a big bomb, like The Violent Hour, but I absolutely loved it. And the pastiche films are there, which is Fantasia, Melody Time, Saludos Amigos, Tari Calbolleros, those are music kind of segments, but the one that's missing in Fun and Fancy Free, the one that's missing is Make My Music. Where's that? And the one and only original family band is missing too. Also with John Davidson and Leslie Ann Warren. And the happiest millionaire. And Walter Brennan.

Both Sherman Brothers. And No Song of the South. No Song of the South. But they should just put it on. Just do everything. I mean, what's the problem? You know, what are you playing? I can't even. Is that Zippy Doodah? Is it? All right.

That's it. I don't wanna get in trouble. It's Zippity Douchebag Zippity-ay. Do you know John? Why oh my, what a wonderful day. Do you know John? John Davidson? Lovely, lovely guy. No, but I'd love

to meet John Davidson. Oh, we'll introduce you to him. He's lovely. We were at him for the longest time. He was scared to do the show. The best guy. But then he loved it. Oh, he has a great sense of humor, you can tell. I'm a Facebook friend of his, but I don't know him. Oh, I could go through his canon.

I just saw him in a movie, Airport 79, The Concord, where he almost gets out of the hot tub like naked and you almost see his little tushy, but you don't. We brought that up and he flinched. I'm sure he did. That airport movie. Speaking of movies, a certain movie turned 80 this year. What?

The Wizard of Oz. A movie you may know something about. I do know about that movie. I know that, first of all, well, what do we know about it? It's been on The joy of the Wizard of Oz was as a child was it was on every year and you waited for it now You can fucking see it anytime you want so kind of like you know It's the most watched movie of all time it was it's well

It's on all the time too. It was on TBS like in a row, it was on TCM. It's a very good movie. I mean, it's a beautiful movie and she's quite good in it, Miss Garland and Ray Bolger I love in that but not in too many other things. Now, you were just playing somewhere. Could you sing it but as the old, old Judy Garland? Well, I'm gonna do that at the end of the show

so I don't wanna to give it away Gilbert! Learn the structure of your fucking show! Hahahaha! Do you remember the first time you saw it? I do and I remember what happened the first time I saw it. You see it in the theater? No, no, no. I'm not that fucking old Frank. I bet that meant like a reissue.

A re-release. I probably did see it in the theater one time but I think the first time I saw it was on TV. Alive in 39. I probably did see it in the theater one time, but I think the first time I saw it was on TV and I remember this. I remember as soon as the lions and tigers and bears and they were going through that forest before the lion even showed up, I was like, I'm out of here. This is scaring the shit out of me. How to leave. But when I did The Wizard of Oz in my garage and directed the children and I cracked the whip, I was like, do as you're told.

Like a nine yearold Victor Fleming. Everybody thought that I would want to play Dorothy because I was a little gay boy that wanted to be Dorothy. Uh-uh. Even gayer. I wanted to be the witch. And I was. All the time. I was Margaret Hamilton. Can we hear some of you Margaret Hamilton? Oh, sure. That's putting you on the spot. Maxwell House Coffee! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yes she did. And you know that makeup tinted her green, first of all. It tinted her green, took her forever, and she got burnt. You know when she got burnt.

And the elevator shaft. Yeah, and the elevator shaft. When the flames came up, they burned her. And the makeup almost killed Watch's name. Buddy Epson. Buddy Epson, he couldn't do it. They got Jack Haley. What else did Jack Haley ever do? I can't- got Jack Haley. What else did Jack Haley ever do? Higher and higher. Frank Sinatra, 1943. Seth, you're good. Seth, you're unbelievable. Good in that. I don't think I've ever seen, what have I seen Ray Bolger in? He was Charlie Jones' father on the Partridge family. No, he was in the Harvey Girls. He was very good in that too.

Yeah. Yeah. And on Broadway mostly. Yeah. Where's Charlie? He did Where's Charlie on Broadway. Yeah. Well, they switch roles, Bolger and Epson. That Bolger was slated to play the Tin Man. No way. Yeah. I didn't know that. I found that in that book I just showed you. Oh, yes.

And then Epson took the tin. The book that you have, and I don't, and I'm the homosexual. You just may leave here tonight with it. Really? If you play your cards right. I like that but. Is this bullshit you know so much about this movie did they actually consider using a trained

lion to play the cowardly lion at one point? Had you heard this? No that's impossible. It was before audio animatronics it was before CGI it was before all that. How do you okay could you if Fi I love that fire King of the first He was brilliant he was they're all about billions him Bolger Haley and that Judy Garland I'm Morgan told that story on Jack Parr where she was like she said they were they were um They would all they were going down the yellow brick road. They would all like crowd her They were all all pushing her in the back. And the director was like, let that little girl in there in the middle!

And she was... But they supposedly had a great time. They strapped her breasts down too. Yes, that I know. Oh, that hurts, doesn't it? Don't you just feel it when you say that? Was she 16? They strapped your breasts down too.

Yes, yes! For every show. You're actually wearing Dorothy's dress as a shirt. You are. You're wearing Dorothy's dress as a shirt and you've got a fucking ace bandage strapped around your tits. Gilbert, you'll appreciate this. I know you and your sense of humor.

There was a technician employed called a midget elevator whose job it was to pick up the munchkins, carry them to their spot and place them down again. You know what Judy said? They put those munchkins in one big hotel and they were unruly little animals. They would get drunk and break tables and play cards and craps and beat the hell out of each other. They had to catch them with butterfly nets.

I heard when when we had Chevy Chase on the show. You brought up that rumor. He said also they were like drunk. Oh yeah. They were like. He made out over the rainbow. Grab his ass. He said they were always ass-grabbing farting midgets. They would have been me-tude out the wazoo today Yeah, you also brought up that thing to Chevy the famous and I guess it's a Munchkin who hung himself, you know about this. Yeah shadow of the munchkin Yeah, you can't see a hung munchin unless you're big

Why do you think they cut the jitterbug sequence? Because it didn't really move the plot along and it wasn't it's not that good. Yeah it's not that good. No. And have you seen the extended if I had if I only had a brain the one that Busby Berkeley choreographed? No I haven't. You can see it it's on YouTube. Really? Yeah. With it where the scarecrow actually takes flight. Oh wait I've seen that. It gives Rainbows or a dance solo. Yeah and they cut the dance solo. They cut that short too Yeah, she hated Busby Berkeley Judy Garland did she oh tell us why well because he would torment her He would yell at her eyes. Let me see your eyes and she He would make her do dozens and dozens of takes of different musical numbers

And he was a taskmaster and she really hated him so do you stay sure the kids Gilbert Wizard of Oz you and Dara? Ah The kids have the kids seen it Yeah She doesn't have a mic all right not once just tap once for yes Max is actually doing it in the fifth grade. Oh, he's doing it. Who's he playing? He's he's the professor professor Marvel Marvel well then he's going to be straight He's just with the Professor... Marvel. Marvel. Well, then he's going to grow up to be straight. He's just fine.

Wait, the first time you saw it though, did you see it on TV in black and white only, or did you have a color TV? I think I had a... we had a color TV early. So yeah, I think I saw it in color. I still get choked up to this day when she says goodbye to the scarecrow. Do you really? Yeah, it's such a... it's one of those moments, like that last bit of It's a Wonderful Life when she's... Well, that makes me cry every time. ...the brother says the richest man in town.

That makes me cry. Can't hold it back. Yeah. Well, because Judy Garland was a wonderful actress and she, you know, imagine if Shirley Temple played that role. Shirley Temple. They wanted Shirley Temple. Yeah.

They wanted her. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And W.C. Field. W.C. Field says The Wizard. And Ed Wynn, too, was considered for The Wizard of Oz before it wound up with Frank Morgan. Oh, Shirley Temple. She'd be like, oh, I want to go home in here. I want to suck in a lollipop.

There's pictures, you've seen the screen test of her with a blonde wig. Who? Judy. Oh, yes. Yeah, they made her put on a blonde wig and they just, she said they tried to turn her into Shirley Temple. Yeah, no, that's not gonna work. Now on that day They've talked about it a lot how They used to give her sleeping pills to knock her out at night

Yeah, and then when she woke up they give her speed. Yep. That's exactly the truth. They conditioned her I mean, that's what they did to her. I mean the studios did that, you know, this is why she was so messed up her mother was Not supposedly a very nice person. Ethyl gum. Ethyl gum, that name just sends shivers up my spine. She was supposedly not a nice woman. And then Louis B. Mayer was, you know, the studio gave her drugs. And that's why she was addicted to pills. I mean, it's not like she did it herself.

That's the difference. And during that period, they didn't know any better. They didn't know what Being a drug addict was being addicted was they didn't deal with it. You think Judy Garland was gonna go to therapy I don't think so. Do you know there's a very very distant connection between the Wizard of Oz and Gilbert Oh, what is it? Would you like to know what it is? Besides the fact that he was the mayor of Munchkin City he was the mayor of Munchkin City. What? The voice, we talked about this on the phone last night, the voice when, Ten Woodman has his solo and there's a little female voice that says, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

It's Adriana Casalotti, the voice of Snow White who stalked Gilbert at an autograph show. Wow, yes. She stalked you? Okay, when was this?ed Gilbert at an autograph show. Oh, yes. She stalked you? Okay, when was this? I was at an autograph show. It was 1992 to be exact. And I met her and someone brought me over to her and said, oh, you two have something in common.

You're both iconic Disney characters. And she says to her, you know,, introduces her and he says, and this is Gilbert Gottfried, he was the parrot in Aladdin. And she grabs my inner death grip, with her fingernails in my forearm, pulls me close to her and goes, what was that, what, what, what was that? She sang, someday my prince will come to you. One day my prince will come. You're so good with the lyric. And one day he'll come.

And, and, and I figure, oh, well, she, she knows me. She's 90 and dressed as Snow White at this point. And I figure she's honoring me, like that we both are in Disney films. Yes. And I figure so she's going to sing two lines and I smiled and then another line. And then she sang the entire song. Oh my God. The entire song.

And at the end goes, and who are you? No way! Yes! I witnessed it. It was the most frightening, saddest, horrifying moment. She wore the costume. She was 110 years old and she wore the Snow White costume. Was she slim at least? Yeah, she was tiny. She was wearing powdered pancake makeup. Walt Disney found her on the phone. Yes, I know this story. She was she was she was wearing powder, you know, pancake makeup Walt Disney found her on the phone Yes, I know this was the daughter of somebody that he knew and he she picked up the other line was like daddy It's me and he was like, oh, what's that voice and Walt was like hire and that's how that that's how that That's also a weird little Disney Wizard of Oz connection that it's snow It's Snow White interrupting and I never liked it

I like that much because I never liked her, and I never liked Snow White that much because I never liked her voice and I never liked her singing, but that was that period that they had those kind of singing voices. Not for me, yeah. I mean, it's beautifully done, but I don't like Adriana Castellini. I'm sorry she attacked you like that.

That's horrifying. I would have jumped through a group of people. I swear to God, it was a death grip. That was great. With her fingernails in my forearm, both hands. And what do you do? She's doing the whole song. You're like, I can't believe she's continuing.

We've told that story on the show. I picked him up on Ventura Boulevard and drove him to that. I'm the one responsible. You're familiar with that now, are you? Being picked up on Ventura. No, I'm familiar with being picked up on Santa Monica Boulevard. You know when I used to work my corner in the day, that I had a high ass. What did you think of the live action Aladdin? Did you see it?

Oh yeah. It didn't have me in it. No, it did not have you in it. You expect him to give you an honest answer about it? No, I'll give you the honest answer. It's a lot. It's a mess. It's weird. It's very strange. And it's colorful yet dull.

I remember when that came out. I thought for sure they'd have a big thing and invite everyone from Aladdin to the big premiere. They never invited me. And then finally it's been playing the year I call up and I say hi. I'm Gilbert Gottfried from Aladdin I could try get tickets to the show and they told me that Across the street they in the afternoon. They have half-price tickets Yeah, so they didn't invite you to the premiere? No, no.

You were like a huge part of that. He's talking about the Broadway show. Oh, you're talking about the Broadway show? The Broadway show, yeah. Well, you know, actually, the Broadway show's good. You should have been invited to that. But the Broadway show, I enjoyed. I saw that a couple of times.

I enjoyed that. It's not bad. Shall we talk a little Christmas on this Christmas episode? Yeah, we've got it, because this is ridiculous that we're talking about your career. Hahahaha. Well, last year we talked about Baby It's Cold Outside and how many people were offended. That was like a scandal last year. Yeah, that was one of the oldest songs ever. They play it every

Christmas and it became this totally offensive hate-filled song. And not only that, it was written in 1944 as a party song by Frank Lesser. Seth knows the backstory. I mean... Right, they wrote a party song and they were doing it. They actually sang the song as a kind of a... Frank Lesser and his wife. Frank Lesser and his wife.

So that people would... Who wrote Guys and Dolls for those who didn't know. It was almost like a signal for the party. It's actually the party's over. it's time for everybody to go home But it was such a big hit they became the Celebrities around town everybody invited them to sing that song at their home It's wonderful and who was the first one to record it do you know that was it Neptune's daughter the first appearance that it made With Esther Williams yes with Ricardo

together Yes, with Ricardo Montalbond. And they're singing it together? First of all, I don't understand. And Betty Garrett and Red Skelton in the same movie. They reverse the genders. She was the one that was chasing him. Now you've reversed the genders a few times. I'm a cisgender and a pansexual.

I'm pansexual, I like lost boys. Back to the song. Alright, the song. Baby it's cold outside. Well first of all, I find... I like lost boys. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha How would you like Frank Lesser breaking into your fucking vault and rewriting your songs? I find, first of all, some of these lyrics are worse. I think it sexualizes it more, actually. This is the new John Legend Kelly Clarkson version. Yeah, yeah, and I love Kelly too. Bring everybody up to speed. I think she's magnificent.

I could hear. This thing, what will my friends think? I think they should rejoice if I have one more drink. And then he says, it's your body, your choice. What, what is that? what, what, what, what is that, like a pro-choice commercial? That is very strange. Very strange.

That's the weird, it's your body, your choice. What the fuck kind of a lyric is that for a Christmas song? Don't forget Murray, the cab driver. Oh, yeah, oh yeah, they made up Murray. Right, Murray, cab driver. Last time there was a cab driver, they Murray about 1963 probably. Yes. And a lot of it doesn't scan musically.

That's the thing that drives me crazy and Hollywood was the last place to realize foreign cab drivers. Like when it was all Pakistanian, Iranian Iranian and everything they still had the cab drivers with the busboy caps and And the cigar going ah those Yankees is no good That's a trenchant inside Once in a great while you run into one of them in New York You're running to some old Italian guy. Did you hear what Dina Martin said about it?

She said what you said, that they managed to make the song dirtier. By making it more about permission and, you know, they're reading into it more than was there. And what's in this drink is not a roofie. It was, you just mixed me a strong drink. See, Cosby ruined it for everybody. He really did that son of a bitch. It's his fault, but I honestly think that if you if you when you hear the song a lot of it doesn't scan Do you know what I mean by that like it doesn't fit rhythmically? They have to like like jam in a few lyrics where they really there's no rhythm for it built cause we actually were courted it

he really did baby of school now i'm sorry i'm not all of my life uh... i love the original one and kelly clocks and did do the original one at one

point yes so did john yeah i just found another version using the dean seen the Edina Menzel Michael Buble version They also changed the lyrics. They did they also Sanitized it because everybody's trying to get away from this idea that they've imposed on the song that somehow this woman is being held captive or or being That something untoward is going on. Well, all they did was make the song a much bigger hit Exactly. That's right. Well, I hope it brings money to the Frank Lesor estate because I knew Joe Sullivan

Lesor. Oh you did? Oh yeah, I did a tribute to him one night. It was a Broadway thing. Paul McCartney sang Slow Boat to China. I sang Sit Down on Your Rock in the Boat. Wow. And Joe Lesor was there and it was a great night. But, so, she's just passed recently a while ago about a year ago two years ago she'd be furious and I wonder if they'd be allowed to do this if she was alive to rewrite these lyrics. That's interesting. Well you know legend in his defending it said that that he was trying to protect the song from being canceled outright. Okay Johnny he said I love him but he's such a politician. Nobody took the song off the air. They canceled outright. I, okay, Johnny, he's such, I love him, but he's such a politician.

Nobody took the song off the air. They really did. Some, a couple of stations did, yeah. You know, besides the version I did with you when I did Betty Davis and you did Tony Curtis and you rhythmically ruined the song. That's the definitive version. It is, but there is another version.

Do you know, I recorded it on Joey McIntyre's Christmas album. You did? I sang it, we sang it on The View. We sang it on The View. It was called Buddy It's another part. Do you know I recorded it on Joey McIntyre's Christmas album? You did? No. I sang it and we sang it on The View. We sang it on The View. It was called Buddy It's Cold Outside. Before my death. And we rewrote the lyrics, but we made them filthier. You know, I forget what play it was, but someone was talking, it may have been How to Succeed

in Business or something, where a girl is singing about what she'll do for her man and she'll be, you know, she's every and, and he said, and we put in where everyone else on stage is looking at her rolling their eyes, going like disgusted with what she said. So I'll be happy to keep his dinner warm. Yes, yes. So they had to change it to show like oh what you sing is really stupid now dated That was the new stage direction. Yes. Yes that everyone had to look at her Disgusted and roll their eyes and like what an idiot she is while she sing it

What's that backer act song that's so sexist the one fix your hair? Fixed from promises promise. Yeah, what is the name of that one? My wife my wife? What's that Bacharach song that's so sexist? The one, fix your hair, fix... From promises, promises. Yeah, what is the name of that one? My wife hates that one. Wives and lovers. Wives and lovers. Yeah, that one. That's from promises, promises? No, that's a different song. Wives and lovers.

That's the one that bothers my wife. She says it has, it says it's not adapted with the times. Wives should always be lovers too. Yeah. I think everything needs to be of its time. People have to just stop this put like Dave Chappelle says put the gun down just you know let it all be and know where it came from know the time that it was done and calm the fuck down I'll tell you I'm I've had it. A fun fact in the original sheet music. There's no such thing as a fun fact

The original lyrics it's the mouse and the wolf so they're actually parts The mouse and the wolf right the girl is the mouse Well, yeah, I guess see Neptune's daughter you were saying about some facts Yeah, I saw on on on the E network. They would do fun facts. Yeah. So like fun facts, Judy Garland brought her own ice cream to this. Whatever. And, you know, Julia Roberts likes chewing gum, whatever. And so one of the fun facts in Bright Letters was fun fact, Michael J. Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 1990. That was a fun fact. Who let that by?

It went up on the screen. That's a fun fact. You've hit your greatest hits moment of the show. Yes! There's one in every episode. Somebody told me. That took exactly 33 minutes. The minute everything's going happily, I'll jump in with... Fun fact!

And then your wife and child died, right? Yeah, really, fun fact! My mother died in 1981. Christmas episode! Really? I mean, come on. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast, but first a word from our sponsor.

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To all the planners, now you can reserve your Uber ride up to 90 days in advance. See Uber app for details. All right, speaking of Christmas songs, we're gonna do something. Oh, what are we doing? We have, Frankie, do you have those songs queued up? We did this a couple of years ago. We did bad Christmas songs.

Oh, that's right. And we tried to stump you and Gilbert. We have to guess the celebrity? We have to guess the celebrity who's singing. Last year we had Joe Pesci. Yeah. And we had, who else did we have last year? I'm trying to remember.

We had some really bad ones. I think we had George Maharris and we had Christopher Lee was doing a heavy metal Christmas song last year. So I found these five. These are very odd. And we'll go in the order I sent them, Frank, if you have them. And we'll see if you boys, and if they get stumped, Seth, you can chime in too. All right.

So we'll start with the first one. Here we go. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. Who is that? Hang on. Maybe it is. Maybe it's a long intro.

Nope. That's not it. Are you sure that's the first link I sent you? This is going to be a fight. Did it sound like one of the great Christmas songs either? Yeah, that's the first one in it. That's weird. Go to number two.

We'll come back to it. That's weird. All right, here it comes. Who was that anyway? Nope, we're not gonna say it. I'm not gonna tell you because it's gonna come around in the end. All right.

You'll never get this in a million years. Shirley Jones! It's snowing, it's snowing, the north wind is blowing, the world is all painted so white. Tomorrow is Christmas, we're happy because this is when we hang up our stockings tonight. Well, it's someone that can't sing The Christmas tree's lit up tomorrow Do you know?

We'll get up and look underneath the tree There'll be all kinds of good things Presents that he'll bring So good kids like him and me Does Mil- Does Dave Milstein know? Santa Claus is coming Santa Claus is coming We know he's on his way

Cheryl Teague Santa Claus is flying way up the sky's on his way. Cheryl Teague. Santa Claus is flying way up in the sky. Gil, do you have a guess? No. He might see his legs. Susan Blakely. It's Shelley Duvall. Wow.

Of course it's Shelley Duvall. I should have known from the melodious tunes from Popeye. Shelley Duvall recorded a Christmas album. That was Dear Santa Claus. Well that's a delightful song. That's a lullaby I assume. I don't know what it is. She was emotionally scarred by Kubrick. You have to cut her some slack. Yeah she was. She did those fairy tales that were great though. Oh the fairy fairy tale theater. Yes. Wonderful stuff. That was really out there, wasn't it? Mm-hmm.

All right, let's try another one, Mr. V. Let's try number three. It's the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la la la la. God, we now are gay apparel. Fa la la la la la la la la. It sounds like Bonanza. For the ancient, you tied Carol. You're warm. Michael Landon. No.

Dan Blocker. Yes. Oh my god. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo. Woo.

Woo. Woo. See the blazing sun. Wow. What made you come up with Dan Blocker? The beginning sounded like Bonanza. It's... Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It had a country kind of hoedowny. It's from Christmas on the Ponderosa. That's horrible. That's the worst thing ever. Dan Blocker should never have sung. That's not a good thing. That is absolutely horrible. That's the worst thing ever. Dan Blocker should never have sung. That's not a good thing. That is absolutely horrible. From 1963, the cast performed in character. So, Lauren Green, Pernell Roberts, Michael Landon, and Dan Blocker all recorded A Christmas Elf. Well, I'm a genius. Next. And by the way, Shelley Duvall's was from a 1991 album called Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall,

Merry Christmas. That was during the Fairytale Theater time. She said hello, I'm Shelley Duvall Merry Christmas. That was during the Fairytale Theatre time. She said Hello I'm Shelley Duvall. That was the name of the album. Hello I'm Shelley Duvall Merry Christmas. That's worse than Liza's Back at the Palace. That's a title too. Liza's Back at the Palace. Alright Frankie you got four five, we'll do four. Here it comes. I take me out of bed and down the stairs I go. I should be fast asleep by now, I know, I know, I know. But I hear reindeer up above and downstairs I hear noise. The door is open and I see Santa Claus, who is me? Santa Claus looks like my daddy My daddy, my daddy

Santa Claus looks like my daddy This is a homosexual from the 40s? 1953. Well, you're assuming. Santa Claus looks like my daddy. I'm saying this. He's the co-star of an iconic Christmas movie. He's jolly.

Was it Clarence the Angel? No. It's A Wonderful Light. No, the boy from Brooklyn. Danny Kaye. This is Danny Kaye. He was a homosexual. Yes. He had an affair with Lawrence Olivier. Yeah. We were going to ask you about that. Oh yeah, he definitely did. Yeah, what

do you know about it? I wasn't there. It wasn't a three way. Yeah Larry, you got a big cock. I bet Vivian loved that. Do you like it, Danny? Yes, I do. But he was married to Sylvia Fine, famously. You know, when Danny Kay was with Larry Olivier and Larry exposed himself, Danny looked at him and said, there once was an ugly duck. No.

You just made that up now on the spot. Another great Frank Lesser song. I did. What do you make?'s a great Frank Lesser song. What do you make? It is a Frank Lesser song. Nice. He wrote all the songs in that movie, right? The Hans Christian Andersen movie?

He wrote those songs on time between two movies, between two Broadway plays. I'll write a movie in two weeks and he wrote all the songs. By the way, every guest we had here that worked with Danny Kaye. From Jamie Farr to Bernie Cotell. Joyce Van Patten had nice things to say about him. She liked him. She was on his sketch show. They hated Danny Kay and they hated Joey Bishop. Really?

And everybody loved Jack Benny. Yeah. Well, I heard he was a lovely guy. Yeah. All right. Do you have another one? I have one more. All right. Come on. Let's go. Okay. This one's easy.

Here you go. In a hurry so, climb down the chimney. Oh, this is Lucille Ball. She has an unmistakable singing voice. From the movie Mame. The worst movie. You know, I just watched this recently and I said to myself, I'm gonna watch it again. Cause I remember seeing it as a kid and thinking, this is horrible.

And I said, it can't be that bad. And then you watch it and it's just like, blow the bugle, sound the cymbals, catch your ass out, it's today. I was like, it's really that bad. I knew that one would be too easy, but Gilbert can't resist old Lucy. Oh, we love her. Yes, yes. Remember Stone Pillow? Of course.

Oh my god, yes. Can you do a scene for us? Yeah. OK. I'm homeless. She researched. She sat in front of Tiffany's in a burlap bed for a week. She did method acting. Didlap bed for a week. She did. She did. Method acting.

Throw me a coin. Mayn is truly terrible. Do you want to buy a matchstick? Do you know about Life with Lucy as we like to talk about on this show? That was the last series. The one she did when she was... Was Gail Gordon in it? Yeah, she pulled Gail Gordon out of retirement. Yeah, was that in the 90s? It was in the 90s. Yeah. Yeah. Life with Lucy. I like Here's Lucy with Desi Jr.

And Lucy Arnaz. And that little puppet. Sure. I love the puppet. Is it in the Smithsonian? Mary Jane Croft. Mary Jane Croft? Yeah, there's a name for you.

Who was that? That was the neighbor. She was the neighbor. And I heard with Danny Kaye. Uh-oh. Danny Kaye was one time insulting Tony Curtis at a party. He was like really being mean to Tony Curtis. And Tony Curtis says in his book, finally, I've looked him straight in the eyes and said,

fuck you, Danny. Can I tell you how great is his autobiography, American Prince. That's a great book. And when you read that book, it sounds like him. Yes! And he hated Shelley Winters. Yes! He was like, I think he said fuck you to her too.

What is Shelley Winters? Why, why, why, why, I don't give a fuck what you think of me Tony Curran! You fucking blue eyed Jew, get the fuck out of here! I'm not coming home for Thanksgiving either, if you're gonna wait there! Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh. Mame was one of those movies that killed Hollywood musicals. Yeah, it was. Along with Lost Horizon

and Darling Lily and Camelot. And Mame, they have them, it's like the house is on fire, it looks like smoke is in front of all that faces. Well, especially her, she had a filter. Every shot she had, she had a filter. And it looked like Vaseline, basically. It looked like somebody took a puff of a cigar and blew it in her face. It looks pretty. It's very glazed. It's very gauzy. It's never on TV. No!

It was on Journal Classical Movies recently and I just watched it. She admitted very gauzy. It's never on TV. No! It was on Turner Classic Movies recently and I just watched it. She admitted she couldn't sing. Yeah, of course she couldn't sing. I mean, even the songs with Carol Burnett, which is cute, that song, chutzpah, she's like, haaah, two pack a day smoker. Yeah, she smoked. She did. You know, I know Lucy Arnaz, who I love very much. She's a great gal. And I always said to her that my mother reminded me of Lucille Ball when I watched the documentary she made about her parents because she was just fucking serious. She was like dark, serious, moody. She was, she did not get the happy gene, you know? Did you get the happy gene?

My sister Camille always says that. Happy Jean, you know, did you get the happy Jean? I did not get Did not get the fucking happy Jean you didn't get the happy Jean Your husband Jerry he got the fucking happy and he's black and his family's the fucking crazy That's the people so I don't know how he got the happy. How is cousin Camille my sister Camille? Yes, sister Camille. She's doing great. She's you know living her reclusive wife And who was I thinking of the one from the act cousin googie go go go go go go go go go go go go go go Talk like that She's got wakes and go heck some of be praying at the casket and she'd be like,

come on over to my house afterwards, I got coffee, cake, and hot shoes! Hot shoes? Where'd you get them? None of your fucking business! They fell off the back of a truck! Keep praying, you piece of shit! You want to talk a little bit about Frosty, which has just turned 50? Yes, I just watched it before I came here. It's not very good. It's not. And I'll tell you, first of all, they steal Billy DeWolf's, is it Billy DeWolf?

Billy DeWolf. Billy DeWolf who plays the magician, the villain in it. Professor Hinkle. Yeah. They take his hat. I mean, he does throw it out, the kids take it, then he realizes it has magic and he wants it back. Well, fucking, he should be able to get it back and the kids take it. So they're on the right, that I didn't agree with. I don't think that they should have taken his hat.

You know, give the guy his hat back, he's a magician, he may be lousy at it, but he just discovered, and that's the only song in the whole special, it's Frosty. And there's six stiffen arrangements. There's a marching one, there's the regular one, there's a ballad, there's a ballad when he melts. That's Maury Laws, is it? No, he wasn't involved in that. He didn't write that. I forget who wrote Frosty. Oh no! Jack, who wrote that song? Jack Rollins. His name was Jack Rollins. Not Woody Allen's manager. But that's Jack Rollins. That's who wrote it. Yeah. I also think, you know, I never liked Frosty. Happy birthday. And then he says it again

when he comes to life again. It's like the dementia within the Snowman is not good. Gilly, you got a take on Frosty the Snowman? No, but I agree on that happiness. Right! Give the guy his fucking hat back! It belongs to him! snowman no but I agree on that hat right oh that's your excuse you little bitch give me my fucking hat and then Frosty first of all he makes he guilt Karen into getting on the refrigerator part of the train so he'd go to the North Pole to

remain frozen and alive and she goes get on get on and it's the train thing and she pushes him on and he says are you coming? The fucking girl gets on she's freezing her fucking ovaries off it's ridiculous she's freezing! Her vagina ended up looking like an ice sculpture of a rose! I mean, what? Why? That she even went with this guy? He makes her cum! You know what I mean, yeah.

Then they get there, and it's kind of pedophilia, because he takes her into the greenhouse to warm her up, and he gets all hot and he melts. So I just think that... And then Santa Claus comes and I'm like, where the fuck did he come from? I love that you find the morality in these movies. You've been deeply offended by Rudolph for years. I love Rudolph. I'm not offended by him.

But you're offended by the coach. I'm the coach. And the way Rudolph's treated. And the way Santa treats him. Santa's a fat fuck in it. He's mean. Yeah, because that that teaches you We'll be nice to you if we can use you for some reason. Absolutely!

At the end he's like when they realize he can fly Santa says with your nose so bright won't you guide my sleigh? They will treat you decently. Fuck you Santa! But only if we have something to gain from you. Exactly, crash and burn, you fat fuck. I'm not beating a goddamn slave. You wanna try this? What's this?

This is a scene from your favorite Christmas cartoon, Frosty the Snowman. Because Gilbert just happens to do a pretty damn good Jackie Vernon. Okay, you probably... So Gilbert, these are your parts and the narrator're Jimmy Durante. So this isn't singing No, this is just this is just reading a scene. He's gonna do he's gonna do Jackie All right, and Durante you're gonna do them both and Mario's gonna favor us with his Billy Do-All If you don't like Billy Do-All if you do it as Charles Nelson Riley, no, I like Okay, sure

Hocus We've got to find someone Nelson Reilly. No, I like the way you... Okay. Okay. Okay. Sure. Hocus, we've got to find someone to help Karen get home before she freezes. And me to the North Pole before I melt. But who? No not the Marines. Can't you speed it up there, Jackie. No, not the President of the United States.

Oh, they both had swell ideas. But we've got to find someone nearby. Yeah, Santa Claus. That's the idea. Why didn't I think of that before? Hocus, you go back with the animals and help Santa comes, you bring him here. Alright, I'll take this because you're too slow. So fast he kept a silent vigil, waiting patiently all through the night until Santa would arrive.

But suddenly, oh a campfire! Well, isn't that all snug and comfy? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Give me that hat! Get on my shoulders, Karen! See? There you go. Here it is. You see, Frosty, since he made us, he made us know himself, was the fastest belly whopper in the world. And old Professor Hinkle was soon far out distance. And now it was Frosty's good fortune that right at the bottom of the hill was a tiny greenhouse, used to grow precious tropical poinsettias for Christmas. It's gotta be all warm and snug inside for those Christmas flowers to grow. So beautiful. Let's go in.

Oh, but you melt. Just a little. I'll stay inside for a minute. Besides, I'm meaning to take off a little weight anyway whoo stay in Much longer. I'm really gonna make a splash in this world and then he slams the door Now I've got you and the miniature all melted and the miniature all melted, that hut will be mine! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Sorry I had to take over, Durendi, because your pacing is hellish as we'd be here till 2022. But I would, it's Jackie Vernon, for Christ's sake! I know, he is slowing it. He is slowing it. Yeah, a little slow. Yeah, and odd casting, when you look back on it. Yeah, I know, it's not very good. Do you like it a little better now, after that scene? Yeah, I do, I like doing that scene. You put that together very it. Yeah, I know. It's not very good. Do you like it a little better now after that scene?

Yeah, I do. I like doing that scene. You put that together very well, Frank. I have to say I liked it a lot. I'm glad. Oh, it's good. And by the way, speaking of animation and Christmas specials, I finally watched Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol.

Now I'm not Richard Kind. You've never seen it? I've never seen it. We've talked about it three years in a row. It's become a source of friction here. I'm shocked. Yeah. I probably saw it when I was a row. It's become a source of friction here. I probably saw it when I was a kid and have no memory of it. So I sort of agree with Gilbert in part, but I also agree with you in part.

I don't like the songs. The songs are horrible. And that first song back on Broadway is just awful. Are you kidding me? That's the best you could come up with. Just awful. He wrote Gypsy Julie Stein's time wrote he wrote funny girl And then he say you from don't tell me not to live just sitting part of you He had a lapse in judgment in musical judge storytelling is good. Yeah animations nothing

It's a fucking Christmas yes, but they do a pretty good job of executing it. I heard the one that's on Broadway right now is very good. Which one? A Christmas carol. Oh, Christmas carol. The new musical. I love the Albert Finney one. The Scrooge. The Finney one's great. Oh, it's really... You like the Finney one? Seth? Oh my God, that's Leslie Bricus, who wrote that. What's that song called? If I were the world. Oh my god, that's such a good- It's good stuff. They had a Christmas Carol with Henry Winkler.

Yes, a TV movie. Oh, you know, I did a play where I played a judgmental closeted gay uncle that lived upstairs. It was called A Room of My Own and there was a great line where I was- I said to the kids, come on, get up! Christmas Carol's on on Scrooge's on and they go which one I go which one the real one Alistair Sim not that shit they make today Gilbert I did smile when I heard the Razzleberry dressing song. Yeah. Because you hear him. Because of my love for you.

Of course, we love you. We love that you do that. But I'd rather hear you do it. But you never told me it was Jack Cassidy singing it. Jack Cassidy? Jack Cassidy plays Bob Cratchit. No, oh yes. He does.

Wow, because he was so flamboyant and flashy. 62. Wow. Jack Cassidy. Yeah, and Maury Amsterdam turns up. Now what was that story we heard about Jack Cassidy? Was it something was? Oh, that's a story I can't. No, no, Richard kind of nothing to do with it. It's a story about Jack Cassidy and and Jack Weston in a motel room.

We'll tell it off. We'll tell it off, Mike. Oh, I can't. What was Weston and Jack Cassidy? What's with the, what was that, the Waffle Jelly Cake, Gilbert? Oh. Can I have a quick mitui with Waffle Berry dweat-ing? A little Waffle Berry would be nice. I like the lateral lisp you're throwing. There's one good song, the Alone in the World. It's a nice song. I'm all alone in the world. Millions of feet don't walk in the world. Make such a lonely sound.

Okay, that doesn't sound like a good song to me. Was that sung by Jim Backus in it? Who sang that one? Jim Backus, yeah. Mr. Scrooge sang that. I think Tiny Tim sings it. Maybe he does. Who sang that one? Jim Bakkish, yeah. Mr. Scrooge sang that, yeah. I think Tiny Tim sings it. Maybe he does. Or Jane Keen is also in the- Oh, wow!

Yeah, she turns up in it. From the old Gleason show, the one to play Trixie. Better known as Jane Keen! And Paul Freese those five voices. Wow! He was the voice of a king. He was brilliant.

He did all the Rankin-Bass stuff. Everything in Rankin-Bass. Burgermeister. He was the voice of the Cyclops in the movie The Cyclops where he just goes... Who was the sidekick of the Burgermeister in Santa Claus is Coming to Town? Oh, the... The one that was really gay. He was like, Sam! He was like, look, look, burgermeister, meisterbeggar.

Yes, I have to look that up. Oh yeah. Maybe Paul Rayburn is in there, could look it up for us. Please! Who was the sidekick in Santa Claus is Coming to Town? Burgermeister, meisterbeggar. Don't rush, Paul. I found some clues. Coming in 2021, the answer.

Yes, thanks. Oh God, do you wanna try another quick quiz? Sure. Okay, this does not have any audio, but this is just fun. This is just to test your knowledge of Christmas movies. Oh, come on. And Seth, you can play anything you like. Okay.

Seth. This is a little game I cooked up called Noel or No Way. Oh, I like that. Is this a Christmas movie or isn't it a Christmas movie? Just from the titles. Deck the Halls. Yes. Yeah, that's a Christmas movie.

Is it? Yeah. Okay, you're right. Yes. Yeah that's a Christmas movie. Is it? Yeah. Okay you're right. Yeah. 2006 with Matthew Broderick your pal. Oh yeah. I love Matthew. And Danny DeVito. Uh-huh. I remember it. Well it was it was in the theaters or television? In theaters. Yeah. These are only theatrical features. I would not throw TV movies at you. Oh that's where they're in competition with each other. Christmas lights, Christmas decorations. You know I did a Christmas movie on Lifetime called A Very Merry Toy Story. I played the mayor of New Britain, Connecticut.

Ooh. It was Mario Lopez and- Two Marios for the price of one. And Sabrina, the teenage witch, what's her name? Melissa Joan Hart. Melissa Joan Hart, yes. Big names, I worked with, go ahead. Go ahead.

Gilbert, are you in any Christmas movies? You did play an elf on Ren and Stimpy. Oh, that's right. I was an elf on Ren and Stimpy. No, Ren and Stimpy, I was... You were Jerry the Belly Button Elf. Belly Button Elf. But I don't know if it was Christmas.

I was the evil Santa in that Billy and Mandy cartoon. Oh yeah! I was the evil Santa. Very good. And just recently I did something for um um um um some oh I think it was that Teen Titans thing right some evil Santa or something. Well I think you're a brilliant evil santa. You really are.

But you know, you have diarrhea of the career. You just do them, you shit them out and you're like, I don't know what that was. Where was I? Huh? I think you remember that stuff because it's Christmas, it's categorized for you. And Iago, of course you remember. The rest of it, you have no idea what no fuck you know but

you've done some great things we read his IMDB page back to him one night six degrees of Gilbert Gottfried he didn't remember making about 40% of them because he's done so much he's done a lot it's got a long page here's another one mr. north is that a Christmas movie yes it is. It is? No, it's not. That's not a Christmas movie. What's his name? Help write that. We had him here. Yeah. Danny Houston. But it's not a Christmas movie. It is not. It is based on a Thornton Wilder story. Yeah. And was that looking for his father? It's about a magical man, a man who has the power of magnetism, who appears in a small town and changes the lives of the strangers there, with Robert Mitchum, Tammy Grimes,

and Harry Dean Stanton. Oh, that sounds interesting. Oh, I'm getting it mixed up with a movie called North. That's the one Alan's Why Belle Roche. Yes, yes. Also not a Christmas movie. Yeah, also not a Christmas movie. That's the one where Alan carries Roger Ebert's review in his wallet.

Yeah. Shows it to people. As referenced by Alan on a previous episode. Sticking with Mr. Frost. Mr. Frost. Is that a Christmas movie? Is that the... Yes, it is.

Not with Michael Keaton? No, that's called Jack Frost and that is a Christmas movie. This is called Mr. Frost from 1990. Gilbert any guesses? I think it is a Christmas movie. Very good, it is not. Is it that evil Mr. Frost? Yes, it's the supernatural thriller starring Jeff Goldblum as a serial killer with Alan

Bates. Oh my killer with Alan Bates. Oh I love Alan Bates. Women in Love. Mmm. Oh and Aginski. He made some great movies. You are you have one right and two incorrect. Alright you don't have to point it out. Holiday Affair. Yes it is. That is a movie with, oh god, Robert Mitchum. Very good. And who was the... Janet Leigh. Janet Leigh. I love that movie with the little kid with the train. Yes, with the toy train. It was just on TCM the other night. Oh my god, I love that movie. It's a good movie. Very good. And I won't say, and it's kind of a three-way thing where the two guys are in love with the same girl and... Correct. I don't know, I know who wins at the end, but I won't say it. Here's another one Gilbert. You're free to chime in anytime. Okay a warm December

Not a Christmas movie Mario is correct. And is it Marlon Brando in that? No, it is a romantic drama starring Sidney Poitier from 1973 Is Diane Carroll in that? She is not okay. She is not Here's an easy one. Remember the night Remember the night Barbara Stanwyck Fred McMurray. Yeah, very good. Is it a Christmas movie? No, it's not a Christmas. Yes Is it really?

A great Christmas movie Oh right it is She's a Barbara Stanwyck She's a thief shoplifter That's right And he's a lawyer And he takes he takes her home, right?

Bula Bondi is the mom. Correct. Script by Preston Sturgis. Great film. It is a great film. If I want to steal things, I will. I'm not going over you. I want to steal things.

That's the old- We love old Barbara. That's Thornburg's Barbara Stanwyck. I can't do her younger. I will steal whatever the hell I want. Seth Saltzman, props. Thank you. Nailed that.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going Byrd's. I can't do her younger. I will steal whatever the hell I want. Seth Saltzman, props. Thank you. Nailed that one. Gilbert just barely participating. Yeah, he's good. He's like a little statue of like

a little statue of something Christmassy that sits...he's an elf on a shelf. That has no...he has no innards. We'll direct this one right to Gilbert. Gilbert the gingerbread man. Is it a Christmas movie or is it not? I'm gonna say no. You are correct sir. It is a legal thriller from 1998. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola? Robert Altman. Shit. I'm off my game tonight. But I know the one you're thinking of. You're thinking of The Rainmaker. That's the one that was based on Grisham. With um, Danny DeVito. And Matt Damon's in it. Correct. This is a legal thriller from 1998 with Kenneth Branagh and Robert Downey and Daryl Hannah.

Oh my. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Colossal Podcast after this. in from bet 365 where every nail-biting overtime win, breakaway, pick six, three-point shot, underdog win, buzzer beater, shootout, walk off, and absolutely every play in between is amazing. From football to basketball and hockey to baseball, whatever the moment, it's never ordinary at bet 365. Must be 19 or older, Ontario only. Please play play responsibly if you or someone you know has concerns about gambling visit connects ontario.ca Okay, a couple more Prancer. That's a Christmas movie. I'm gonna say no Mario's right. What's a Christmas movie? Are you kidding me? It's a great either. It's about a fucking gay ballerina or a reindeer A ballerina or a reindeer? That is correct, Mario Cantone. From 1989, it is about a child who encounters a reindeer living in the woods.

Notable because Abe Vagota plays the veterinarian. Wow. How about that? Well, there you go. Okay. Three more. Good. Three Kings. It is sort of a Christmas movie about it's with George Clooney. Correct but it's not a Christmas movie. Yeah. No, it's not. No, they're stealing the oil. That takes place in the Midwest. The Mid-East. Correct. They're in the desert. Yes, correct. It's a war film about the Gulf War from...

Midwest, Mideast. They're stationed in Cleveland. They're in middle America. They're stationed in... Oh, you want to split hairs. But the tie-in is the three kings. Correct, but it's not a Christmas. There's no Christmas...

The titles are meant to throw you off, you see. The titles are meant to deceive. off you see the titles are meant to deceive Okay, three more quick ones toys The movie toy it is not a Christmas movie. That's Richard Pryor and Jackie Gleason. No that is called the toy That is a Richard Donner movie. We had Richard Donner No toys Yeah with Tom Hanks and... Nope.

Wrong again. You're thinking a jingle all the way with Schwarzenegger. It's not a Christmas movie, right? It is not a Christmas movie. It is a anti-war comedy directed and written by Barry Levinson. Oh, I was thinking Toy Story. Our one-time podcast guest with LL Cool J and Robin Williams. No wonder why I didn't see it.

So... What? podcast guest with LL Cool J and Robin Williams. No wonder why I didn't see it. So what? And Michael Gambon, the British actor. Oh, I like him. Richard Donner was here. Richard Donner was- Did he talk about- Not physically, he was on Skype. One of the first things he directed was a serial,

a live action serial that aired during the Banana Splits- Oh, I know where you're going with this. Called Danger Island. Oh, sure, we talked about it. With Jan- Michael Vincent. Michael Vincent. I had a picture of Jan Michael Vincent in a tie-dyed rainbow tank top right by my bed. At 13!

I knew what I liked! I wasted no fucking time! Jan Michael Vincent said that because he had the whole drug problem, a total mess. He died, right? He died, yeah, I think last year. And he said one time that had he died years ago, he would have been remembered like James Dean, but he lived too long. I don't know about that, but he was beautiful.

World's greatest athlete with John Amis. And the mechanic with Charles Bronson and Keenan Wynn. Oh my God. He didn't want to be an actor. He was discovered, I think, surfing in California. That's true. Unbelievable. I will send you the Richard Donner episode you can get out to the discussion of danger island

you talked about danger island? I believe we asked him and the the guy that was the the the the the black guy on, he was so hot. Erwin C. Watson. And when I was young, he looked older to me, the black guy. Teddy Rogers. No, shut up! Oh yeah! Timmy Rogers.

Timmy Rogers, amen. So I was so attracted to Jan Michael Vincent because I was a kid, then I got older and I saw these things and I was like, who's that hot guy? All right, anyway. OK. Brock Peters. But we tie crests. Brock Peters, good actor.

Brilliant. Yes. Kill a mockingbird. You bet. Did you see that on stage yet? Yes. It's masterful. With Jeff Daniels, I missed it.

He was magnificent. But Ed Harris is in it now. And I bet it's still great. I'm going to go back. It's masterful. Go. Ed has no Harris, to quote you in Sex and the City. Ed Harris, Ed Harris, how about Ed I have no Harris?

All those lines are written for Paul Lin. Sex and the City, starring Paul Lin. We had an author here. Get ready, I can't, I hate sex. We had an author here who was a friend of Paul Lin's a couple weeks ago, wrote a book about him. Really fascinating. She had a crush on Paul Lin as a kid. She went to meet him. And thought they'd wind up together. She hoped to meet him and end up with him.

Did she like him? Yes, but it didn't have... No, I know that. You know the rest. No. Two more quick ones. Yeah. Toys in the Attic.

Is that a Christmas movie? Not a Christmas movie. That was the TV movie. There was a TV movie version of that too. About Lesbians. Were Louise Fletcher in that TV movie. It was a TV movie version of that too. Were Louise Fletcher in that? No, it's a Lillian Hellman drama. Isn't that a lesbian? No, that's the other one. Wrong again. That's Children's Hour. That's the Children's Hour. Yes. With Dean Martin and Geraldine Page. Based on a Lillian Hellman story. That's a movie with Geraldine Page who was one of the greatest actors. Correct.

Trip to Bonifold, one of the greatest actors of all time. Yes. She used to live in my neighborhood. I used to see her in the coffee shop. She was all like kind of dressed down. She looked like a bag lady sometimes. She kind of looked like you when I used to see you walking around. So yes, Gilbert, when you lived in my neighborhood, it's true.

It was like, oh yeah, it's was like, oh, it's Geraldine. No, it's Gilbert Godfrey. Geraldine died years ago. Um, but I, oh, I would see Geraldine Page in the coffee shop, and I would say, hi, Miss Page, and I loved her. And one of my favorite things, like, all the great work she ever did, I said, this is what I said to her, I loved you and the rescuer is this Madame Medusa. She did the voice of the great villainess, Madame Medusa, which I have a cell of, a

production cell, which is actually 1 26th of a second hanging on my wall of Madame Medusa because I love that. All right, go ahead next. Bring it on, what's next bitches? This is the last one. Is this a Christmas movie? The title is Christmas in July. Gilbert, you go first. I'm gonna say it's not. Okay. Just because it so obviously is, so

it has to be a trick. Look at this, how he catches on. Now he's a step ahead of me. I think I'm gonna say it isn't a Christmas movie Seth Christmas movie you are incorrect Seth Oh, it is not and it was designed to deceive so I won Gilbert was right. Yes I wasn't it's a Preston Sturgis comedy from 1940 starring Dick Powell about a man who wins a coffee slogan contest He's right at a directed he did both Wow. I didn't know that there you go. There you go So uh Sullivan's travel. Yeah favorite. Oh So, uh. Sullivan's Travel. Yeah. Oh, it's one of the best. Yeah.

You did very poorly. Yes, we did. Yes, we did. Yes, we did. Shall we sing something? Go back to Chelsea, sit on a stoop, and sing Feed the Birds. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What do we think of this? Toppings, toppings, toppings are back.

I might save yours for the post show. Is that okay? Absolutely. How long do you think it would take? Five minutes. Yeah. You want to try it or you want to save it? Let's save it.

Let's do this one. Let's go with this. And we'll see how it goes. This is for you, my friend. Oh, shit. This is going you, my friend. Oh shit. This is going to be hard work. I know it is. Gil.

Okay. This took me hours to figure out how to do this. So I finally was going to do it with cards and then I thought, nope, too many cards. So I finally just scripted it out and your individual parts are highlighted. Yes. You know what this is? Yep. And your parts, or your individual parts are highlighted. Yes. You know what this is? Yep.

Seth's on board. Oh my god. So we gotta do it with tempo. Okay. So I'll give you guys a second to take a look at it. Seth, a little thinking music. Okay, try to stay in the pocket, Gilbert. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a pie-tree in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtle tops.

And a pie-tree in a pear tree. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French hens! Two turtle doves! And a partridge in a pear tree! On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four calling pets! Three French hens. Two turtle jobs. And a party in a pear tree. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

five golden rings. Four calling pets. Three French hens. Two Donald George. And a party in a pear tree. And a party in a pear tree. And the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me six geese a-flying. Five golden rings.

Four calling pads. Three French hens. Two Donald George. And a party in a pear tree. And the sixth day of Christmas, Six geese are flying! Five golden rings! Four calling birds! Three french hens! Two journal jobs! And a party to the pear tree!

On the civil day of grass, my patrol of game to me! Seven swallows are swallowing! Six geese a lane! Three loading rigs! Four calling bells! Three French hens! Two turtle jobs! And a party in the pear tree!

On the nice day of Christmas my true love gave to me, I made some biscuits! Swirl, swirl, swirl! Six geese a ring! Five golden rings! Four golden birds! Three French hens! Two Donald Duck! And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Melissa came to me. Nine ladies waiting. Five birds a-bittin' come. Swallow the swallow. Sixty salades. Five golden rings! Four calling birds! Three bird sounds!

Two turtle jumps! And a party to the bird tree! On the sense day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten lords a leaping. Nine ladies wedding! Eight months of building! Six walls as well! Ten lords are leaping. Nine ladies waiting. Eight bands are milking. Six walls are swell.

Sixty saline. Five gold ingrids. Four calling pads. Three french hats. Two turned up. And a party in a pear tree. On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me Eleven pipers piping

Ten lords sleeping Nine ladies waiting And men's up milking Swirl, swirl, swirl, swirl Six geese a-ring Five golden rings! Four calling birds! Three bird sounds!

Two turtle drums! And a party in a pear tree! Oh, wait, wait, wait! Oh, wow, I got this! Oh, sorry! Get this little... Ah! Oh, sorry. Ha ha ha. On the twelfth day of Christmas,

my true love gave to me... TWELVE DRUMMERS TROLLING! EIGHT PIPERS PIPING! TEN RODES A LITTLE... NINE LADYS WAITING! ONE BITES A BOOFKIN'! SWEAR A SWORD A SWEAR! SIX KISS A LAY! FIVE Five ladies waiting! What's a boo-ki? Swirl, swirl, swirl, swirl! Six-key salade!

Five golden wigs! Four calling bans! Swipe for terms! Two durnal doves! And a par-tree, cheeto pear tree! RAAAASPBERRIES! That was a good one, Frank. I didn't miss a beat. Unfortunately, Mr. Gottfried had a few problems with paper sticking together, or perhaps it

was the lobes of his brain that were sticking together. Brilliant. I love that. Brilliant. That was pretty great. That's brilliant. I love that. That was pretty great. Yeah, that's a classic. You guys. That was fabulous. That was tiring.

It wasn't it? It was. Betty Davis on five golden rings. That was my wife's idea. My wife had post-stroke Betty Davis. It has to be five golden rings. And then we knew it was going to work. Brilliant. Magnificent. Shall then we knew it was gonna work.

Brilliant. Magnificent. Shall I tell the listeners who that was? Oh, I think they know, and if they don't, they shouldn't be told. Okay, go ahead. Who was it? Yeah. Carol Channing, Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Child, James Mason, Peter Lorre, Post Stroke Betty

Davis, of course. John MacGyver Gilbert, Cher, brilliant. Joan Rivers, equally brilliant. Old Groucho, of course. Catherine Hepburn, and we never leave out, of course. Irving Villachess. Oh, wow. Which may be his best impression.

Oh, it's brilliant. You guys exhausted? No, I'm good. That was brilliant. That was fun. That was fantastic. Oh. Now, I'm going to ask you about...

What? The Garland movie. Oh, the Judy Garland movie? Yeah. Did you see it? Yes, I did see it. With Renee Zellweger? I don't think it's a great movie.

But her acting is pretty damn great. I thought she was, her close-ups were terrific. But, um, and she didn't sound like her when she sang, and she couldn't move like her when she sang. But, you know, look, if Judy Garland were alive... I think that picture... Yeah, what would Judy say about it? Well, it's not a very good picture. Well, first of all, I never was booed on stage ever before I opened my mouth. There's a scene where I go on stage, or Renee goes on stage as me, and they are booing her before I even open my mouth. They're throwing things at me like, and it's in London, so they're throwing figgy pudding and crumpets and scones and brisket. I don't think that's an English thing. But anyway, they were throwing things at me and I

was never had anything thrown at me before in my life. So I, that those things never happened. Now as far as Renee, she's a marvelous actress. I think she's a marvelous actress. I thought she was quite good and I thought she brought sympathy to the world, especially that scene with the homosexual and they sang a ballad version of Get Happy. I liked that.

And I will say this, she can't sing like me, but kudos to her for the bravery of wanting to sing her own stuff. She couldn't sound like me, no one sounds like me, I was the greatest singer that ever lived. But she did her own singing, and there were certain emotions she brought to it, but I give her an A for effort, for doing her own singing. Because some people, like that Rami Malek from the Bohemian Rhapsody, he lip-synced half his performance and they gave him an Oscar. I don't know what the level of anything is in this world.

I think it's awful. I don't, would you give someone an Oscar for lip-syncing half their performance? And look at the Elton John picture. That's a marvelous film. And that boy, Taron Egerton, he sang his own stuff and he acted his own stuff and he sounded like Elton John. And I thought that was marvelous.

Give him the Oscar, but you don't give someone an Oscar for lip-syncing half their performance and I don't like that Bohemian Rhapsody picture. I didn't think it was very good. I don't. But I'd like to sing a song for you and the show. Would you all like to hear it? This is a little known song called Merry Christmas written by Fred Spielman and Janis Torry and it was written for a picture I did with Van Johnson called In the Good Ol' Summertime. Ah, yes. And that's the musical version of The Shop Around the Corner and of course later on they made the You've Got Mail version of it with Meg Ryan.

I think it was before the work that she had on her face. But it's a marvelous movie too. But this is a marvelous movie. I think I'm going to do this as a duet with my daughter Liza. And I'm going to tell you why. Liza was three years old. She made her movie debut as my little daughter at the end when I carried her out. She was so adorable then. She really was. Van Johnson was just licking

her face and I was holding her. So this is a song that I, little known song. Merry Christmas, have a very, very Merry Christmas Dream about your heart's desire Christmas Eve, when you retire Santa Claus will stop and I know he'll drop Exactly what I wanted from my chimney top So be jolly, have a holiday as gay as holly May the ones you love be near you, with the laughs of friends to cheer you. When the church bells ring, like the angels sing, and you hear the joyful hymn, they chime. Hang a wish from me on your Christmas tree For a very merry Christmas time

Come on, Liza, you take it. So be jolly, have a holiday as gay as holly. May the ones you love be near you, with the laughs of friends to cheer you. And the church bells ring like the angels sing, and you hear the joyful hymn they chive. Mama, hang a wish from me on your Christmas tree. For a very Merry Christmas, child! Beautiful. Merry Christmas, everybody. Liza, Judy, that was beautiful.

Thanks so much! Am I as good as my mother? Come on, tell me I was just as good! Liza, you did what you could. I did give 100%. You give about 75%, I think. Gilbert was very moved. I was watching him. Yes, even though it was a little faggy from my place. I see our little watery eyes there. He wants that little old fool.

He got a little moist. Don't tell Mario. Don't tell him. Don't tell him. Sit your ass down. He takes moist a whole different way. Gilbert got moist. Oh, my. I hate when these shows end every year.

Me too. It's so much, it's absolutely a joy. Plugs, you've got things coming up. You've got a play that you're gonna do. I do. I'm doing a brand new musical called Bliss directed by Cheryl Caller and written by Tyler Beatty and Emma Lively. It's gonna do its out of town tryout at the Fifth Avenue Theater in It's gonna do its out of town tryout at the Fifth Avenue Theatre in Seattle starting January 31st through February 23rd and then um What else is I'm better things I'm on the new season of better things I have an episode of AJ and the Queen which is a new Netflix series that premieres on January 10th That I've been working a lot. I'll be on to Tell the Truth next season. Oh, that's right. I love the game shows. You know, I do match game and pyramid all the time. I love Alec. He's my buddy and I love him and he always comes to get me and does

things to me that I enjoy. So yeah, but I had never done To Tell the Truth because it's in LA and they were very nice. They flew me out and... And Better Things, did you mention that? Better Things with Pam Adlon, my buddy. I just did an episode of Mom, it just aired. It'll probably be repeated, and it's on, you know, it streams. You are busy.

I have been busy. It's amazing that I was doing nothing, and then I made a triumphant return to the Cafe Carlisle, which I sold out, which was fantastic! I'm sorry I didn't see you at the Cafe Carlisle. Oh, don't worry about it, Frank, you son of a bitch! I feel very bad about it. No, don't.

You've seen me a million times. I haven't seen you a million times. Mr. Saltzman. Yes, sir. Plugs. Tell us about Why Hunger again. Why Hunger, it's a great time of year for Why Hunger. It's a great charity.

We help people get nutritious food all over the country. We have a hunger hotline. Harry Chapin, founder. Harry Chapin and Bill Ayres founded the organization in 1975 and I'm proud to sit as the chair of the board of Y Hunger. So it's been around since 75 huh? Yep and we're in the middle of Hunger-thon right now so if you go to yhunger.org or Hunger-thon or Charity Buzz you can bid on a lot of great items help support the organization. We'd love to have Mario be an auction item. Would you be? Have lunch with Mario.

I don't know about lunch, but perhaps... I don't get up for lunch. Can you do lunch with Gilbert if somebody pays? Yes. I'll do lunch with somebody. I'll do lunch with somebody. I will do lunch with somebody. Thank you, Mario.

No, it's a great organization. We will auction off a night here. A night here at the broadcast. Why may not be here? So I'll do lunch. We'll do something. As long as they come to my block. Thank you. Because I'm not going to fucking Sag Harbor or anything like that.

No, no, no. You're the only one who goes so far. Oh good, yeah. We'll do, yeah. Sullivan Street Bakery right across the street from me. That's perfect. Anyway, great support. We have a lot of auctions open right now on Charity Buzz.

Go to Charity Buzz, type in Y hunger You'll see great things up there to help support the organization. Thank you. Please give our love to Paul Williams I will I will see he loves when he's on the show. He loves working with you. We love him. We love him. Yep So we want to thank mr. Cantone. Thank you again. I hope it was satisfactory I always get nervous because you think you know know, people love these and you want to, you know, make them as good as possible. Oh, we try every year. We do try. Well, you know, you come up with magnificent things, friend. You're very kind.

You do. And Gilbert, you're the funniest person in the world to work with. He is the funniest person. And I adore you. And I appreciate it. I really do. I love this. I'm being serious because I do rank on you through the whole thing. But you know how brilliant I think you really are. And Seth, thank you for being here and learning this song and giving me a copy of it now I have it in my key. Who's better than Seth? I'm gonna sing it again somewhere. My pleasure. So we want to thank Starburns Audio too. We want to thank our fans who've been generously supporting us on Patreon. Please keep it up. What is it Daryaryl a patreon slash Gilbert Gottfried. Yeah This has been Gilbert Gottfried amazing colossal podcast with my co-host Frank Santo Padre and the flaming homo

My favorite Justice League character, the flaming homo. The flaming homo! That should be the name of the raging fag. Mario Kanto. And the best cocksucker in the business. Now get out of my way, I got a man waiting for me. And with that, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas everybody.

I really can't stay. But baby it's cold outside. I've got to go away. But baby it's cold outside. This evening has been. Been hoping that you'd drop in. So very nice. I'll hold your hands.

They're just like a mist. My mother will start to worry. Beautiful, what's your hurry? And father will be pacing the floor. Listen to the fireplace roar. So really I'd better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry. Well maybe just a half a drink more.

Put some records on while I... The neighbor's my thing. Maybe it's bad out there. See, what's in this dream? No camps to be had out there. I wish I knew how. Your eyes are like starlight now. To break the spell.

I'll take your hat. Your hair looks swell. I oughta say no, no, no sir. Mind if I move in closer? At least I'm gonna say that I try. What's the sense of hurting my pride? I really can't stay, baby don't hold out Baby it's cold outside

I simply must go, but baby it's cold outside. The answer is no, but baby it's cold outside. This welcome has been, how lucky that you dropped in. So nice and warm. Look out the window at that store. My sister will be suspicious. Gosh your lips look delicious. My brother will be there at the store. My sister will be suspicious. Gosh, your lips look delicious. My brother will be there at the door. Waves upon a tropical shore. My maiden aunt's mind is vicious. Ooh,

your lips are delicious. Well, maybe just a cigarette more. Never such a blizzard before. I've got to get home. But baby, you freeze out there. Say, lend me a cold. It's up to your knees out there. You've really been grand. I thrill when you touch my hand. But don't you see? How can you do this thing to me? There's bound to be talk tomorrow. Think of my lifelong sorrow.

At least there will be plenty in sight. If you caught pneumonia and died I really can't stand Get over that old doubt Oh baby it's cold outside