Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Christmas 2021 with Mario Cantone

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

Gilbert and Frank usher in yet another holiday season with actor, singer and fan favorite Mario Cantone, who chimes in on a sackful of topics, including the joys of Albert Finney's "Scrooge," the enduring appeal of the Snow Miser, the genius of Stephen Sondheim, the 100th birthday of Judy Garland and the new "Sex in the City" reboot, "And Just Like That." Also, Mel Gibson celebrates Hanukkah (!), Gilbert replaces Kim Cattrall, Bette Davis makes like Maria von Trapp and Emannuel Lewis learns the true meaning of Christmas. PLUS: "Cricket on the Hearth"! The ghost of Charles Nelson Reilly! Santa hangs ten! Iago sings! Mario reenacts "The Birds"! And the boys get a surprise Christmas visit from a showbiz legend! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Now a special program in living color on NBC Hi, I'm Gilbert Geltfried. And along with my co-host, Frank Santa Padre, this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal holiday podcast. And I think by now you're familiar with our special guest. He's a comedian, a singer, a Tony-nominated actor, and one of the most personal and talented performers working in the entertainment industry. You've seen him in major motion pictures. No, not really.

And in popular TV series like Better Things Not really. And in popular TV series like Better Things, Mom, The Good Fight, as well as the critically acclaimed Broadway productions, Assassins, The Tempest, Love, Valor, and Compassion. Yeah, that segue was like television to Broadway. They don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Keep going. And his own one-person show, Mario Cantone Laugh Horror. He also appeared

recently as a guest programmer on Turner Classic Movies Classic Horror Series, as well as a contestant on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune, winning over $48,000 to benefit the actors. Yes, this is like the table of contents. We're going to be talking about this.

What is it, the fucking index? Is it the back of the book? Bravo, by the way, on raising that money. of the book bravo by the way on raising that money his brand new project to be released on his birthday december 9th is the long anticipated reboot of his beloved hbo comedy sex in the city entitled just like that and just like that you friggin fuck and just like that, you friggin' fuck. And just like that. Are you all set? Are you okay? Keep going.

Go ahead. Hurry up, because I've got to make sure you're okay. You got your colostomy bag there? You good? You got your catheter? In case you've got to get up and take a friggin' piss. Frank and I, as well as thousands of listeners, are excited to welcome back to our annual holiday extravaganza.

A man well known for both the warmth of his Christmas spirit. And his explosive diarrhea. And the size of his Yule log. That's right. Recently rescued from the island of misfit boys the one the only mario kent well it's so nice to be here gilbert i'm so glad you're here live in the flesh with me so happy that you're here and i can touch you and look at you because you're on a fucking zoom and bokeh you piece of shit oh the weather's nice who gives a a shit? You need some cold.

You need to be alive. As Lauren Bacall would say, I feel alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. He's in Del Boca Vista. Gilbert, Gilbert, how are you? Okay. Yeah, I guess you are.

It's so good to see you. We miss not having you here with us, Gilbert. Gilbert's on Zoom from Boca as Mario just clearly laid out for everybody. And if you're not here next year, I'm not coming. I have to announce something. This will be my last appearance on the Gilbert Gottfried Christmas extravaganza, because he's not here this year. So, Mommy has to punish him.

You're really in the spirit of things this year. I never liked him at all. So it is good to be here, though. It's Christmas time. We should set, yes. Seth Saltzman is here, our accompanist. Seth! We're here at SiriusXM through the good graces of Jim McClure and Dan Spaventa.

We love Sirius. It's so serious. And it's XM, which means there's porn involved. Yes. And our Twitter and Facebook gurus, Josh Chambers and Michelle Mantinen are here with us. We actually have an audience today.

And what is this? We were talking before we turned the mics on, Mary and I. Seventh Christmas show. This is the seventh Christmas show and it's my tenth appearance? That's my math. I could be wrong.

It could be your sixth Christmas show and your ninth appearance. I don't know seventh christmas how how fucking long is this podcast you know a long time and i was seven years gilbert and i was spite of you hey gilbert are you healthy did you get the covet at all no no not what he's triple back i know what triple vax but it doesn't make a fucking difference sometimes because people still get it not bad i mean it makes a difference that you're vaxed i'm not saying that i'm just saying that yeah i i think it just the vaccine doesn't stop it but you won't die no you won't i have a question now there's a whole thing about blood type do you know about this yeah so do you know your blood type? I think I'm B positive.

But you're not. You're a very negative person. No, I'm kidding. Thank you. Thank you. No, he is B positive, actually. A plus. Do you know what you are?

A plus. You're A positive. A positive. And do you know what your blood type is, Kim? I don't know my blood type. I'm O. I'm O. I'm O positive.

And I'll tell you, they say O. What? After I say this. I'm O. I'm O positive. And I'll tell you, they say O. After I say this, I'm going to get it and die. They say that O, it's hard to get. And if you do get it, it's very mild. So I don't know how true that is. Yeah, I read that. Did you read that? Yeah, you're fortunate. I'm O

positive. Do you want to talk about this TCM appearance that you made with podcast guest Ben Mankiewicz? No offense, Gilbert, but the most exciting thing in my career was Turner Classic Movies, not this piece of shit low-budget podcast that you have. Yeah, I did Turner Classic. He did it too. When did you do it, and what did you pick?

Do you remember? Okay, yes. I picked Freaks. Sorry, I asked. Yeah, of course you did. The Conversation. Okay. The Original of Mice and Men with Lon Chaney Jr. and Burgess Meredith.

And The Swimmer with Burt Landry. Oh, that's a very good film. Collective Choices. Now, I did it with Robert Osborne in 05, and I think I did A Woman's Face with Joan Crawford. I did Meet Me in St. Louis. I did Mr. Skeffington. Oh, yeah. And there was another one, but there was four.

Wasn't Robert a dear man? He was lovely. We loved that guy. He was so nice. And, you know, I was intimidated because it was Robert Osborne. But then I just did it again with Ben Mankiewicz who's my buddy

we have a bromance Ben and I that's sweet I love him I love him to death and he's a cocky little fuck you know he loves sports

you know he loves sports oh yeah he loves movies don't get me wrong not crazy about the musicals we always argue about what star is born is better

he likes the Janet Gaeta one and he's wrong and he but he's wrong. But he's a sports guy. I spent a night in a casino with him. I mean, he's hilarious. Anyway, I had a great time. That was the most thrilling thing I've ever done.

You were terrific in your element. And I got to do five. There were five Sundays in that October. So I got five Sundays. And Ben was like, well, we gave you five Sundays. I was like, no, you didn't. There's five Sundays in that October. So I got five Sundays. And Ben was like, well, we gave you five Sundays. I was like, no, you didn't. There's five Sundays in October. You had no choice.

That was hysterical. I don't know what you're talking about. No, I remember when I did that, I thought, wait a minute. This is a job? I'm sitting in an easy chair with Robert Osborne, a big comfy chair, and we're talking about movies. Yeah, it's thrilling to do it really is and then and you get to pick them right i mean you get to pick the movies you can't always get what you want though sometimes they don't have the rights they didn't have the other no no they had me pick like a whole bunch of movies yeah and yeah they they narrowed which one and let's talk about your

appearance on celebrity wheel of fortune since we mentioned in the intro do you want to quickly and you did a very nice thing you raised 48 grand for a very worthy cause for the Actors Fund because it's a bribe

so they'll take care of me when I'm old and on a walk well it was very very calculating of you yeah that's why I did it I love the Actors Fund I've done so many benefits

for them and Broadway Cares so I think your Betty Davis screaming Beetlejuice Beetlejuice screaming beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice was my favorite yeah i don't think she was in that movie i'm like yeah i know i don't know why i just felt like i had to do that and gil was on a game show this whenever you're on i always think

it always brings back memories of the post-stroke bet Davis showing up on Merv Griffin in a fucking miniskirt. Oh, yeah. And it's like, you know, Grandma, do something about her. Put her in a home or something. It was scary.

How dare you? That miniskirt was designed by Patrick Kelly. It had large buttons all over the dress and on the hat. And you do not know fashion. She was there in a miniskirt. And like her face looked like it was melting off her forehead. Oh, my God.

Yeah, it did. But she kept going. Like burnt offerings Or like the incredible melting man There you go But she kept going though She still had her wits about her Even after the stroke

That's what's amazing about her And also you just got back from filming And it's going to premiere on your birthday December 9th Which Gilbert mangled the title But tell us And just like that Correct us It's in Just Like That And it's yeah knife yeah which gilbert gilbert mangled the title but tell us and just like that correct us

it's just like that and it's yeah it's um it's um we just are you calling it a reboot what are we calling it i think it's i don't it's not a i don't know if it's a reboot or an update an update it's look it's 11 years later you know that's what it is and it's um it's i had a great time i really did it It was thrilling. I mean, it was great to do. And that's minus Kim Cattrall. Yes, yes, she's not on it. She didn't want to do it.

People are like, why? She didn't want to do it. That's why. Did Robert Duvall. There's nothing you can, you know. Who's Robert Duvall? What? He didn't do the third Godfather.

He didn't do the Robert Duvall. Very good, Seth. Very good, Seth, yeah. But I heard George Hamilton is playing her part in this one. Yeah, it's I heard George Hamilton is playing her part. Yeah, it's true. George Hamilton is playing her part. He's fantastic. He looks great in that blonde wig.

He's got the tan for it and everything. You couldn't find, you've been associated with that show and Michael Patrick King and that production forever. You couldn't find a little part for Gil? No, he is not allowed on the set. Because, let me tell you something. If you're not a homosexual or you're not a straight man having sex with one of those girls, there is no

room for you. And there you go. You're not a homosexual and you can't get it up anymore. So forget it. On Colbert's show they had me on as Kim Cattrall. Did you see that? Oh, that's right. Yes. Yes. They had me on as Kim Cattrall. Did you see that? Oh, that's right.

Yes. They had me on as Samantha, the replacement of Kim Cattrall. I saw that. I remember that. That was quite lovely. It really was.

You were a delight and a pleasure. Quickly tell Gil the horror films before we move on to Christmas. Tell him the horror films you picked. Turner Classic?

Yeah. Well, you know, not all of them. I had five Sundays, so I got ten. Well, you know what what happened I had 10 movies um two a night two two each Sunday so I finished filming a scene uh in Sex and the City it was a Friday and I got in the car went to the airport got on the plane went to Atlanta filmed that thing the next day it was like from two to six and then at the end I said to Ben and to the crew, I was like, okay, let's do two commercials. A 30 second and a 60 second.

And we just improvised them, one take each. And they used them. And it was just thrilling. I had the best time. All right, the movies I picked were, first night was Creatures That Kill the Birds. Nipplety-noppelty, no, no, no. no no no crackety sackety

lickety dickety fuckety sockety crackety sackety hobbledoo cobbledee

crickety knockety suck on my cockety no no no Kathy it was the birds and Little Shop of Horrors

the musical which I think is the last great movie musical ever made. I don't know how I'm making this podcast. Little Shop, Little Shop of Horrors, Little Shop. And then the next week was The Bad Seed and It's Alive, which is a ridiculous movie. It's because I couldn't get the rights to the other, so I used It's Alive. And then it was Haunted Houses.

We did Poltergeist and Burnt Offerings. I didn't leave the window. Close, Benji. I didn't shut the window. You're hurting him. What are you doing? Stop drowning him in the pool. I love her in that.

She's fantastic. And Oliver Reed, Karen Black with her crossed eyes. Her crossed eyes, She's amazing. Who else? And then after that was Betty Davis and Joan Crawford, Baby Jane, and Straight Jacket with Joan. Oh, I love that one. And the last week was Psycho and Blowout by Brian De Palma.

And get this. So about a week after that aired, I get a DM, as the kids call it on my insta from nancy allen oh you know because i praised your performance i love her and she just was thankful and very grateful and sweet and complimentary and oh she was lovely she's gracious and i just wrote back shut up this is my number call me and she called me and we talked for a while that's great and that was very very nice and then um just last week i got this from a letterhead john travolta november 24th 2021 dear mario recently i had the pleasure of watching you speak about me on tcm regarding my performance in blowout and my overall career.

I was flattered to say the least with your wonderful accolades. I truly appreciate it. Thank you. Sincerely, John Travolta. Wow. Very nice. I was like, come on. That was the most exciting.

That was awesome. Very nice. Nancy's been here. She's lovely. She is. Yeah. And she looks good, though. She's super cool.

She's awesome. I never even got a call from Horshack. It's too late now, Gil. But you did cut the rug with John Travolta, as we've pointed out many times on this show. Yes. He did dance with him on film. I danced with John Travolta on Look Who's Talking 2. You guys want to do a little Christmas?

He's so talented. And she's so talented. He's underrated. He really is. He's so talented. And Nancy Allen is incredible. Barry Sonnenfeld, we just had, who worked with Travolta on Get Shorty, said he never met anybody who was more thrilled to be a movie star than John Travolta.

You know what? You can see it. Yeah. You've got to love it. Now, do you think birds still holds up? The birds? Oh, yeah. Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. Do you? No? I don't know. Last time I saw it, it looked kind of, I don't know, choppy-ish. Oh, we did have Tippi Hedger. We had Tippi Hedger on this podcast, and that was interesting. That must have been interesting.

She had a lot of... A couple of Hitchcock heroines still with us. Kim Novak's still around. Ava Marie Saint's still around. Piper Laurie. I don't think she worked with Hitchcock. No, she didn't. No, but she's

around. She's awesome. What's her name is still around from Psycho. She's still alive. Her name just went out of my head. Not Janet Leigh. No, the other one. The one who became a recluse. Help me. Who? The other actress in Psycho. Oh, God. Oh, the one who was

the girlfriend. Yeah, I'm blanking. Anyway, she's around. We'll think about her. We'll insert her name in post. What's his name? John Gavin? I think he's gone. He was gone. I think he's gone. Stunning. Vera Miles. Vera Miles. Oh, my God think he's gone. He was gone. I think he's gone. Stunning.

Vera Miles. Vera Miles. Oh, my God. That's right. Still with us. Now, I would have loved to have been able to have Simon Oakland as a guest. That would have been great. Yeah, that would have been great.

Shall we do some Christmas on the Christmas show, Gil? What do you think? Oh, okay. I love Gil's like, do you think the bird still holds up? Do we think? The question is, do we think you still hold up? What was the

plushette pit you used to do for the birds in your house? She was like, she didn't even, she ran. She was like, run for yourself. I need a drink. Go fuck yourself. She went into her house and then she got it later. She was found on the porch with her eyeball on like a spring coming out of her sock. Okay.

With the help of our engineer, Dan Spaventa, we're going to do- What are we doing? We're going to do a little Christmas quiz. I'm so scared. A little music quiz. I'm scared. Which we've done every year, I think. We call this.

See, but now the faggot's going to win this. Of course I am, you full fucking Jew. I'm going to win it. That's right. Why? Because I'm a homosexual and we're much more intelligent than you. And we know music and you don't. This is bad.

You know music. He's pretty good. You're very competitive and very smart. He's pretty good He's got a lot of knowledge We're gonna This is bad Christmas songs And we're gonna

We call this You'll be sorry And we do this every year And you guys have to guess Who is singing These Christmas songs And we went with I'll give you a hint

These are all comedians Oh shit This year So Danny It's the one Called clip one To start us off. Here we go.

The surfers watch out Oh, dance with wind Beach bunnies too Look over there Santa Claus is surfing To town He's making a list While hanging ten He's good at list Of wild-hanging tins

He's good at nosing To an offshore wind Santa Claus is surfing To town He's got himself a surfboard Any guesses, gentlemen? Is it Dick Shawn? No, it's an interesting guess.

The year is 1963. Hmm. And I'll give you a hint. I didn't find a lot of research about these songs. I found this on a Little Stephen collection, our friend Stephen Van Zandt, called Christmas A Go-Go. Let me say that again. Let me take that again because I had my mask on.

It's from 1963. It's from Little Stephen's collection, Christmas A Go-Go. I'll give you a hint. Because you didn't get it Maybe your mommy and daddy Can send some money in Soupy sales Soupy sales Yeah

Very good I think I said it first Please put a point up on the board for me Okay That was soupy sales We hope that edit will work Alright Number two This one you should get quickly.

This is called I'll Never Do It on a Christmas Tree. Okay. I will. I'll never do it on a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree is safe from me. Oh, what would Santa think of me if I did it on a Christmas tree? I'll never do it on a Christmas tree. That's one thing that you'll never see.

Rodney? Very good, Gilbert. Oh, is that who it is? Was Rodney Dangerfield? Okay, that's very good. Rodney Dangerfield from the movie Rover Dangerfield from 1991, which turned 30 this year, with our friends Ronnie Schell and Bob Bergen. Well, he certainly could sing in the pocket, couldn't he?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Co-written by Harold Ramis, that movie. Like I said, these are all comedians. Now, you're going to get this one quick. Both of you get this one quick, but let it play a little bit for our listeners. This is clip three, Daniel. No, I won't. Oh, buddy, hack it.

Fuck you, I said it. Ha ha ha. Did you know this existed? You know, he's like Shirley Temple with the penis. Exactly. Well, I know, you know, he sang in Jack Frost, right? Yes. So that's how I kind of knew. And right after he sang this, he took a sip out of a cup and said,

You know, I had a lot of trouble in my day, but this one's the best. It's called Dear Santa Claus. I didn't find out much about it, but it's from 1957. And the flip side was funny little duck that says moo. So this is old Jews. I didn't mean to bring up a duck. These are old Jews singing Christmas. Pretty much.

And your cut is next. Pretty much. Here's another Jew singing a Christmas song. This is from 1954 or 1953. I'm not sure. It's a 78. A 78? Mr. Spaventa, if you will.

On Christmas Eve when Santa Claus was starting on his way He found a little puppy dog hiding in his sleigh Is it Danny Kaye? Nope. Mickey Katz? Nope. Not Mickey Katz. Not Danny Kaye? Nope Mickey Katz? Nope, not Mickey Katz, not Danny Kaye Gil, any guesses? You know, that would have been my guess too It's called Bow Wow Wants a Boy for Christmas

Red Buttons It is Red Buttons Oh, it's Red Buttons This is what he said That is quite good. Very good. Very good. Nice work. What year was that? 54 or 53.

I can't figure it out. Never got a dinner. Never got a dinner. We were just talking with the mics off that Poseidon Adventure is turning 50. I'm going to be 50. I was nominated.

I was nominated. Is anyone alive from the Poseidon Adventure? Gene Hackman. Gene Hackman. Pamela Sue Martin. Christopher Shea. He played the boy. Who else is alive? You're getting nobody.

Bob Knight is dead. Jack, you're getting nobody. Mom died. He's dead. Jack Alvarez is dead. He's gone. Arthur O'Connell, Rodney McDowell. They're all gone. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Stella Stevens is with us. Her son, Andrew. I fucked him. I think we asked Stella Stevens. We did early on in the podcast. Did you really? Yeah. Yeah.

She didn't want any part of us. She's smart. She's intelligent. Here's another comedian. This one is from 1961, I think. Hit it, Danny. Hit it, Danny. Nope.

Bill Dana. It is Bill Dana. Jose Jimenez. Nice. And you know what? Because of the accent, he did that character. Yeah, Jose Jimenez. And now it's just a chorus, and it's not Bill Dana.

It's a good thing I got it right away, because I would have been like, where is he? Well, he comes in again later. He does? Well, he does. Very, very good. Gilbert, he's wiping the floor with you on this quiz. Can I tell you something about Bill Dana? One of my favorite things is that Alice in Wonderland, or what's a nice kid like you doing in a place like this, it's a Hanna-Barbera. Janet Waldo, who was Judy Jetson, played Alice. And Zsa Zsa Gabor played the Queen of Hearts.

Hedda Hopper was the Mad Hatter. And Bill Dana was the knight. And he wrote it. Yep, a talented guy. Wrote maybe the best All in the Family episode, which is when Sammy Davis comes to visit. He wrote that episode? I didn't know that.

Bill Dana. And he's another one we almost had on the podcast. I spoke to him on the phone. He was excited to do it. We claimed close. And he was funny. He was making me laugh on the phone. I thought, this is going to be a great one.

And then, like, a day later. He passed. Really? No, we tried so hard to get Bill Dana. He was one of those that slipped through our grasp, but a multi-talent. I'll tell you, you know, you talked to him on the phone, he's dead the next day, you are a barrel of good luck.

And his brother wrote the Get Smart thing. I'm the Grim Reaper. You are. You are, Gilbert. Okay, here's the last one. Oh, I'm gonna miss these. Mario should know this one because it's from Rankin-Bass. Well, here we go. The year is, let it play so at least people can hear it before you guess it. Oh.

1967, I think. Would it be Christmas without the mistletoe? Is it Mickey Rooney? No. No. We're gonna let Gilbert win one? Gil? What?

Guess? You have a guess? No. Hold on. No Christmas tree. No decorations. Just you and me. I can't believe I don't know this.

Would it be Christmas then? I can't believe I don't know this. It's a shame that you don't have a table for that coffee, Mario. Your hint. Was that the hint? Yeah. Oh! If you don't get it from that hint, I give up. Oh, wait.

What was the hint? I said it's a shame Mario doesn't have a table for his coffee. Oh, Danny Thomas. You guys are filthy. Wait a minute. What special is that from? It's from Cricket on the Hearth. Oh, that is an obscure one that no one even watches anymore. Well, there you go. Well, I can't make them that no one even watches anymore. Oh, there you go.

Well, I can't make them too easy. But you did very well. I did well. I won. I won. Yes, I did. I love to win. Of course the cocksucker

knows Christmas. Of course he does. Of course the cocksucker knows Christmas. I think that's a song. The cocksucker knows Christmas. I think that's a song. The cocksucker knows Christmas. Yes, he knows all the cocks on the tree. One by one, he puts them in his mouth.

And sucks, and sucks, and sucks, and sucks Till it explodes That was very good. That's from an even more obscure rank. That sounded like Elijah Manelli. Yeah. Just like her. The cock-sucking is kissing. We're going to copyright that one later, man.

I think you should. Oh, my God. Do you guys want to try this? Do you want to try a little Christmas carol reading? Sure. Oh, yeah. This has come up on the show. It's a favorite.

The Alistair Sim version is a favorite of Gilbert's. You're a big Christmas carol fan. You like the Albert Finney. I do. I love the Albert Finney. We lost Leslie Brekus this year, too. You know what?

Worth mentioning. And the Washington Post was asking some people, some some celebrities to name their favorite Christmas movie. And I said, in honor of Leslie Brickus' death this year, they should take a look at Scrooge. He not only wrote the music and lyrics, he wrote that screenplay, too. Very good. It's very good. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wasn't he great? Gilbert, you're sticking with the original Christmas Carol as your favorite?

You like Alice forair Simms? Yes. Although a special kudos to a former guest, Henry Winkler. Yes. Don't forget Rich Little. Oh, geez. That's right. Wait, Gil, do you like Reginald Owens or do you like Alistair Simms?

Alistair Simms. That's the second one. The George C. Scott TV version is really good. I love it. And I saw his son do it on Broadway. Campbell Scott. Yes, it was wonderful. I'm impressed.

That was a beautiful production, too. This is not a beautiful production, the one we're about to do, and it's not a musical version. This is a Christmas Carol. I don't know if you know this one. This is a long-lost version of Christmas Carol. It is? Yeah, with John MacGyver and Charles Nelson Reilly. Oh, okay.

Yeah, never released. Never released. No. Okay. But I'll play a lead in. I'll give you a little theme music if you want. Why don't you do that? Who's playing what? Who's playing what? He's playing, Gilbert's playing Scrooge, and you will be playing Jacob Marley. Oh, okay. Marley's ghost. Okay.

Gilbert, you want to start us off? I've often heard it said that you had no heart, Marley. But I never believed this until now. What do you want with me? Oh, much. Who are you? Ask me who I was.

Well, all right. Who was you then? In life, I was your partner, Jacob Marley. You don't believe me? Why do you doubt your senses? Because a little thing affects them. A slight disorder of the stomach makes them cheat. You may be an undigested bit of beef,

a lot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more gravy than grave about you, whatever you are. You see this toothpick? Oh, I do. You are not looking at it. But I see it, notwithstanding. I have but to swallow this and be for the rest of my days

persecuted by a legion of goblins of my own creation. Humbug, I tell you, humbug! Man of the worldly mind, do you believe in me or not? Oh! I do, I must. But why do spirits walk the earth? Why do they come to me? It is required of every man that spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow man and travel far and wide.

And if that spirit does not go forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. Hear me, you Ebenezer. My time is nearly gone. I will, but don't be hard upon me. Don't be flowery, Jacob. That is no light part of my sentence. I am here tonight to warn you that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of escaping my fate.

A chance and hope of my procuring Amonizel. You are always a good friend to me, thank you. You will be haunted by three spirits. Without their visits, you cannot hope to shun the path I tread. Expect the first one tomorrow when the bell tolls one. Couldn't I take them all at once and have it over Jacob? Expect the second one on the night, the next night of the same hour. The third upon the next night when the last stroke of twelve has ceased to vibrate. Look to see me no more, and look that, for your own sake, you remember what has passed between us.

Oh, oh, oh. That was exhausting. I'm drained. I'm drained. It was exhausting, wasn't it? Yes. Yes, well, you know. I think they would have been perfect in a Christmas carol.

I think so, too. I think, yeah, they would have been both. And they could have reversed roles. It would have been just as wonderful. Oh, absolutely. Oh, thank you, gentlemen. Just as wonderful. Oh, absolutely. Oh, thank you, gentlemen. That was fun. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor.

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Watch free on CBC Gem. Okay, this one you don't have to exert yourself. Thank God. By the way, we're going to talk a couple of minutes. We've done, what did we say at the beginning, seven of these, but we've never really talked about Hanukkah. Oh. Seth got very excited.

Good, Seth. Good segue. That's all I got. Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay. Good segue. That's all I got. Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay. Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, oh, oh. By the way, just to go back, for the music, the songs we did for You'll Be Sorry, I forgot to read some thank yous to some people who helped with that. And that is our pals Kevin Daugherty, Daryl Maeske, John Bastone or Bastonia, and

Dino Preserpio. So thanks. When you do seven of these, you start to run low on ideas. Yes, you do. This is my last one, by the way. I told you that. We reached out for help this year and they came to the rescue. We're going to start

with a little Hanukkah quiz. This is how we're going to broach the subject. Well, you're going to know more about this than I do.. This is how we're going to broach the subject. Well, you're going to know more about this than I do. No, no, I think the fag might know more. No, I don't think so. I think the Jew might know more. But you must have sucked on some circumcised cock. Of course I have.

I have sucked on a variety of cocks. I have sucked on a variety of cocks. And circumcised, uncircumcised, all of many colors of the rainbow. Why do you have to work blue at the holidays? Because I have to. Danny, let's set this up with the cameo clip. The first, what we call the Hanukkah clip. This has been on YouTube and it's gone viral. This is Smokey Robinson doing a cameo for somebody.

I know this. Oh, I know this one. I heard this one. Where are we going to see this? We're going to listen to it. Oh, listen to it. Here we go. Hey, Marco.

How you doing? Surprise, surprise. This is Smokey Robinson. I know you didn't expect to hear from me but i was contacted by your sons jeff and jera and they wanted me they told me that you used to live in detroit across the street from me and gosh that's that's beautiful um how are you doing again nice talking to you again i guess but anyway you anyway, you're living in Vancouver now. And they want me to wish you happy Chanukah. I have no idea what Chanukah is.

But happy Chanukah, because they said so. Anyway, God bless you, babe. And enjoy Chanukah. Have a wonderful time. You don't have to be a Jew to know Hanukkah. Yeah, it's a Hanukkah. What the? It's a Han Jew to know Hanukkah. Yeah, it's a Hanukkah. What the? It's Hanukkah.

Hanukkah. It's one of those everyone hears it every holiday. You don't have to be a Jew to know it's Hanukkah. It's a cameo that he made for somebody, and apparently. He didn't know what Hanukkah was? Well, maybe they threw him with the spelling. Maybe he's used to it being spelled with an H. And he was in the band with the Miracles.

He would think Hanukkah, the Miracles. You would know something. He got nothing. I love Smokey. It pains me to play that, but I had to do it. I love Smokey, too, but I'm a little devastated. All right. That's a...

That's a Chinooka. I don't know what it is. That's upsetting. I died inside a little bit on that one. I know. It's heartbreaking. Yeah. Because we love...

This was... Again, I went out for help to our super fans and Rabbi David Komarowski. So this is legit. This was prepared by an actual rabbi. And because there are eight nights of Hanukkah, we're going to do eight quick questions about Hanukkah to see if the Gentile

knows more than the Jew. I'm a bad Jew. I love bacon and I don't know when the holidays are. He doesn't even know how to light the candles. He just shoots one out of his ass each night. And it's lit when it comes out, too. He's got good aim.

It goes right into the candelabra. Did we already do the intro music for this? Did we already do the dreidel song? Because my first question is about the dreidel. Thank you. It's nice to have a piano player adding a little class to the show. He's the greatest, and we have a baby grand. We're a baby grand here.

I love a piano. I love a piano. See, you're dissing our show, and we've just come up in the world in terms of production. You really have. I have to say, I'm coming around slowly. All right. Here's your first question, Jew and Gentile. All right.

The four Hebrew letters on the dreidel stand for the phrase, A, celebrate the festival of lights, B, spin it to win it, C, a great miracle happened there, and D, the Maccabees were always nice to me. Celebrate the spirit of light? Gilbert, do you have a guess? You're both incorrect. Seth knows. A great miracle happened there in Hebrew.

It's a good thing you're here, Seth. He's a good Jew. See, he's a real Jew. He's really good. I'm a bad Jew, but he's a real Jew. Okay, really good. Yeah, see, I'm a bad Jew, but he's a real Jew. Okay, strike one. All right. Strike two.

Thank you, Seth. You're welcome. Chanukah, or Hanukkah, begins on the 25th day of which Hebrew month? Here are your choices. A, Kislev. B, Cheshvan. C, Kreplach de Kanish. Could you say them again? Yes. A is Kislev. B isław C. Kreplach D. Knish Could you say them again?

Yes A is Kislev B is Czesław C is Kreplach My Hebrew is a little off So forgive me D is Knish The second one

Czesław Okay Mario guesses Czesław Gilbert Do you want Czesław Kreplach Knish Or Kislev

Since he already guessed second I'll say the first one You, Kanish, or Kislev? Since he already guessed second, I'll say the first one. You are correct, Gilbert. It is Kislev. You got it, Gil. Now you don't have to shape that comb over into a yarmulke anymore. Gilbert, take a bow. You got one right. Yes.

Number three, the Hebrew word Hanukkah also Chinookah means A. Miracle, B. Dedication, C. Cholesterol, D. We didn't kill Jesus. What is the first? What is it again? A. Miracle, B. Dedication, C. Cholesterol, D.

We didn't kill Jesus. It's miracle. Mario guesses miracle. You're incorrect. Dedication. Dedication? Dedication. But on the dreidel it says the miracle

no it doesn't put it in the same word again. That's completely wrong. It's got all high as sham. There you go. A great miracle happened there. You're right. It says on the dreidel

a great miracle happened there but it's about rededicating in the temple. Well those are conflicting ideas. I gotta go with Mario on this one. Maybe you'll do better here, Mario. Number four. Lots of people know about the tradition of eating potato pancakes or latkes on Hanukkah,

but what other delicacy is a common Hanukkah treat? A, jelly donuts. B, gefilte fish. C, candied orange slices. Thank you, Rabbi. And D, horseradish. Jelly donuts, gefilte fish,. And D, horseradish. Jelly donuts, gefilte fish, orange slices, or horseradish.

Gilbert, as the Jew, you get first. Gefilte fish? I'd say, I would say orange slices. I'll give a hint. Let me give a hint. Give a hint. Mario's going to give a hint. I mean, Seth's going to give a hint. I've already given a hint.

What is the miracle of Hanukkah? The oil lasted eight days. Right. So oil, what foods do we just talk about? Donuts? Jelly donuts, gefilte fish, orange slices, horseradish. How do you make a donut? Fucking jelly donut is the answer?

Because you fry it in oil. It's all about you. It's just about the oil, Mario. That is bizarre to me. That could be like- See, you should just let him answer all that. Really? He's the one.

He knows all the Jew questions. Thank you, Joe. Well, you should just let him answer all that. Really? He's the one. He knows all the Jew questions. Thank you, Joe. Well, you know what? When is the eighth day of Hanukkah? Was it yesterday? Last night. Last candlelight. Okay, well, good.

Today, I'm a little late, but I'll make some Zeppelis today, all right? That's good. There you go. Zeppelis. Absolutely. Same rule. Number five. In the song, I Have a Little Dreidel, what does the dreidel

need to be before it can be played? A. Hot and spicy. B. Extra crispy. C. Short and stout. D. Dry and ready. Say that again. Dry and ready. He got it. Oh, okay. You were that close. You were close.

I glazed over. I didn't even hear the question. When it's dry and ready, I dreidel, I will close. I glazed over. I didn't even hear the question. That's a donut. That's a donut, too. When it's dry and ready, my dreidel I will play. Yeah, well, you know. Very good, Gilbert. Gilbert, I underestimated you. Does Fisher-Price make a dreidel? It sings to you when you spin it.

It has to, right? Yeah. It should. Baby's first dreidel. I think so. Baby's first dreidel. The hand that spins the dreidel. I think so. Baby's first dreidel. The hand that spins the dreidel. I think it's a joke on the critic.

Number six. The most famous of the Maccabee sons was A. Joseph, B. Judah, C. Menachem, D. Zeppo. Mario, he got the first dibs on the last one. We're going to give you the shot at this one. The most famous of the Maccabee sons, Joseph, Judah, Menachem, and Zebo. I was going to say Judah. I swear to God. I swear to God.

He got it. I was going to say Judah. No hints from Seth. No hints from the real Jew. I was going to say Judah. I know you were. I swear on my mother's day. Judah is correct.

Yay. You got it. I know you were. I swear on my mother's day. Judah is correct. Yay. You got it. Very good, Mario. Hey, Judah, don't make it bad. I watched that. Well-timed. 20,000-hour thing. And wasn't Mel Gibson going to make a movie about the Maccabees?

I didn't know that. That's good stuff. The Maccabees Who's more logical choice for that than Mel Gibson? The Maccabees Arthur Godfrey maybe Other than Arthur Godfrey Right

Or Ned Beatty Oh those Jews How are you? How are you? I hate those Jews How are you? How are you? No anti-Semitism during the Hanukkah quiz. Number seven. Which famous temple was rededicated by the Maccabees? A. Solomon's Temple.

B. David's Temple. C. Zeus's Temple. D. This one's for you, Mario. Shirley Temple. Z, Zeus's temple. D, this one's for you, Mario, Shirley temple. I slept with her son. I'll go with David. He's going with David. You want Solomon, David, Zeus, or Shirley? I'm going to say Solomon.

Mario is correct. Once again, the faggot wins. That's right. That's right. The homgot wins. That's right. That's right. The homo wins. That's right. He wins Solomon. Because Song of Solomon, one of my favorite Toni Morrison books, which is not about a Jewish family.

It's about a black family. Very good. So there you go. Very good. Gilbert, I hate to break this to you, but Mario's in the lead. Well, that's because he is in Florida and your IQ goes down a point every day that you're there.

That's for shit sure. Number eight. What army did the Maccabees fight in the original Hanukkah story? Seth, you have to sit down on this one. Number one. A. Greek. Sorry, Yanni Fodiatis. B. Lebanese. Sorry, Danny Thomas. C. Belgian. Sorry, Tony Sandler. D. Greek. Sorry, Yanni Fodiatis. B. Lebanese. Sorry, Danny Thomas.

C. Belgian. Sorry, Tony Sandler. D. Roman. Sorry, Mario Cantone. What? Okay. What's the question again? Which army did the Maccabees fight in the original Hanukkah story? Greek, Lebanese, Belgian, or Roman? Roman.

Mario guesses Roman. Gilbert? I'll go with that. You're both wrong. It's Roman. Gilbert? I'll go with that. You're both wrong. It's Greek. Seth? Greeks. Very good. See, and you should have known that, Mario,

because the Greeks are into Asheville. I know. I was going to say. I mean, they really took it up the ass with this battle, I'm sure. The Romans would have been plowing them, you know, but the Greeks were just like, let's go. I'm ready for it. The Jews were having none of it. We were having none of that.

Talk about entering someone else's land. That's the end of the Hanukkah quiz. Mario, you distinguished yourself. You acquitted yourself well. Not bad. Gilbert? Seth's the one that knows everything. We're idiots. Seth wins. You both lost. Gilbert, you need work.

Want to take us out with a little? I'm saying that Seth was my spokesman on this. My pleasure, my pleasure, Gil. Yes. You need work, Gil. A little Botox on your forehead. All right, and because you worked so hard on the last two pieces, and you worked up a sweat, I have a little gift for you.

What is it? This is a little audio gift that I've prepared for both of you, and this is a special Christmas surprise. It's a Christmas miracle, in fact. It's a Christmas message. Do we have this, Dan? From who? It's from Beyond the Grave. What?

And it's just for us. beyond the grave. What? And it's just for us. Hey, this is Bob, amazing colossal hope, wishing Gil, Frank, Mario, and all their fans the happiest of holidays. And I'm thrilled to be on Gilbert's podcast, even if it is

only for a promo. Now, you all know what a podcast is. That's two or more white guys trying to stay relevant. But hey, I did my part for diversity. died and now we all got to do our part so this christmas give the gift of peace ladies and gentlemen add prozac to your eggnog and remember this holiday season no matter what your religion please take a moment to reflect on why it's better than all the others And here's a little tune to take you into the holiday.

Silver bells, silver bells. When you are dead, it ain't pretty. Still I sing, but where is Bing? Guess he got sent somewhere else. Good night, everybody, and Merry Christmas. Who is that doing a great Bob Holmes? Gilbert, everybody, and Merry Christmas. Who is that doing a great Bob Hope? Gilbert, tell them who it is. Yeah,

Dave Thomas. That's SCTV icon Dave Thomas. I love Dave Thomas. It's phenomenal. He's the best there is. Thank you, Dave Thomas. I'm such a fan of his. Thank you, Dave. Wasn't that fun? Yes. How did you get him to do that?

I just called him up. Wow. It wasn't hard. That's very nice. Yeah. I love that. I'm very moved by that. You're not the only one hobnobbing with John Travolta.

Yes, I get letters from John Travolta. In fact, Dave directed John Travolta in a movie. Which one? The Experts. He introduced him to his late wife, Kelly Preston. Wow. in a movie which one the experts he introduced him to his late wife kelly preston yes and that with the experts was the one that uh i auditioned for and what happened then it it went to another actor and that other actor said consider yourself lucky that's what max casella said to me about the lion king the broadway show okay yeah yeah

you know i was supposed to do that and i didn't want to do it he was you know they were all in and and also with the experts that's the one where i was on a plane going out to la.A. to read for it, and I found myself sitting next to Mike Nesmith from the Monkees. No way! Yeah, and without his knit cap, but he says to me, you know, what you reading? And I told him, oh, it's called The Experts. It's about two young guys kidnapped by Russian spies and blah, blah.

And it says, sounds like a piece of shit. And he was right. Which he kindly shared with guest Dave Thomas, because Gilbert likes to insult the guests. We're going to take a quick break with a couple of questions from fans. For you, Mario. Oh, we like questions. I like when they ask me questions and I get to answer them.

A little break from the production portion of the show. Alan Bernard. Alan Bernard, thoughts on the passing of a man you worked with. You were in Assassins. Stephen Sondheim. Big loss. Yep. Big loss.

Big loss. And, you know, he lived a long you worked with. You were in Assassins, Stephen Sondheim. Big loss. Yep, big loss. Big loss. And, you know, he lived a long life, though. We had him around for a long time. But, you know, it's never good when you lose someone like that. He played brilliantly, and there was nobody like him. And I got to work with him. I got to do Assassins with him. And he was just amazing. He was a lot of fun. And I remember the night he came to see Laugh Whore, which was like do Assassins with him and he was he was just amazing.

He was a lot of and I remember the night he came to see Laugh Whore which was like after Assassins. What an honor. He was laughing so hard. His playbill was like

in his face and he was like covering and he came backstage and he was He had a dark sense of humor. Oh, he had a very dark sense of humor and he was he was hilarious

and a genius. There was nobody like him. He wrote the greatest songs in the musical theater canon, I think. No question. He's amazing. And I'm going to see Company soon, the new production. I can't wait to see that.

Enormous loss. And co-wrote a fun movie called The Last of Sheila. That's right. It just came out on Blu-ray. And I think they just showed it. Maybe they're going to show it on TCM. They have showed it on TCM. And there's a new production of Assassins have showed it on TCM. But he,

and there's a new production of Assassins right now with the classic stage. And he went to see. He went to see. He saw that and he saw Company. You were great in Assassins. I had a good time doing Assassins. You were Bick. I was Sam Bick.

Richard Nixon's would-be assassin. That's right. Who tried to. I saw that production. Was that Circle in the Square? It was 54. It was around about. Oh, Studio 54.

You were great. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. And that was, those Square? It was 54. It was around about... Oh, Studio 54. You were great. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. And those monologues were written by John Weidman, and they were brilliant. They were, you know... And directed by Joe Mantello. It was a definitive production of that show. It was stunning.

I voted for you. Yes, I gave you my vote. My sacred democratic trust. And you know what you did? You pissed all over it. What the hell? Guys like you, you piss all over everything. You piss all over the country.

You piss all over yourselves. You piss all over me. Yeah, yeah, I know. Sam, don't say it. You're my main man. Guys like you, you're the backbone of the nation, Sammy. Shut up, Dick! I'm talking now, all right?

I'm talking and you're listening. Big loss, big loss. Yeah, big loss. Very sad. And we will miss him. And there'll never be another one like him. But you can say, you know, in the end, you worked with the giant of Broadway. And I'll tell you something else.

I auditioned for him the last time. Not the last time I saw him, but I auditioned for the revival of Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. And I'll never forget those auditions. And he was there. He was laughing hysterically. And then James Corden quit.

And if they had gotten someone to replace him, I would have done it. Oh, wow. And it didn't happen. Oh, that would have been wonderful. Yeah, it would have been quite great. Reed Bellow, Mario, who's better, the Snow Miser or the Heat Miser? You know, I like the Snow Miser. And, you know, Jules Bass, who I knew very well, I haven't seen him in a while,

but when they made the live-action version of it, he said to me, you know, you should audition for the Snow Miser because he saw Laugh-Hore. He was like, you should audition for the Snow Miser, not the Heat Miser. You should be the Dick Shawn part. You should be the Snow Miser. And I was like, well, can you make a call for me? He goes, I have nothing to do with that shit anymore. Touching. Gilbert, this one's for you from brett warwick what is one role that you would like to play even if it means no payday i'd know no such role exists

he's saying is it Biff or or Willie Loman in Death of a Salesman you'd be brilliant as Willie Loman same question for you I know who it is it's Mel in Prisoner of Second Avenue oh you'd be great

you know we did a reading of it with Pam Adlon that Cheryl Calla directed. And the Roundabout wanted to do it. And they couldn't get the rights from Scott Rudin. So it didn't happen. Mike Zobel. Oh, here's a question I just thought of. What is it?

If you either saw it or you have predictions of the new West Side Story. Oh, I heard it's incredible. And I can't wait to see it. I got to tell you something. Here's a blasphemous statement. I don't love the original. And I love Natalie Wood very much, but it's the first thing I ever saw her,

and I was like, she's not very good. Her accent's not that good. I mean, I thought Moreno was great. Was Marnie Nixon singing? Yeah, yeah. And, you know, Richard Boehmer was lip-syncing, too. And at points, Rita Moreno was, too. Rita Moreno sang some of it, and she was magnificent.

George D. Karas was great. And I love the dancing in that movie, but I don't. But I love the restructuring of it, too, that they put Krupke earlier and Kuhl later. And gave it a riff. And I like that. But I am really looking forward to seeing, not to sound so politically correct, but to see Latin people playing Latin people.

And to see the direction, to see that choreography, which I heard is amazing. I can't wait to see it. George Shakiris didn't have a bigger career at Dwight's side store. I don't know. He won. How come George Shakiris didn't have a bigger career at the West Side Story? I don't know. He won the Oscar because they were ethnic. You know, he was very—

Turns up in White Christmas briefly. And he was a dancer. He was in Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend. He was one of the dancers in that number. Gilbert, trivia for you, Gilbert. Which one of our podcast guests who's still with us was in the original West Side Story? Oh, John Ash. Look at that guy.

Oh, my God. Glad hand. Gilbert. Very good. Very, very good. One more for you, Mario, and maybe we'll come back to questions. Oh, yeah. Mike Sobel.

Mario, what's a Jellicle cat? He's setting you up. It's the most fucking exhausting piece of shit I've ever seen in my life. Oh, the Jellicle cat. Seth, stop it! I'll never forget seeing that, Joe. A Jellicle cat

can wear a hat. What the fuck is a Jellicle cat? I couldn't believe it. I went to see it because my friend Lillias White was singing Memory at the time, which

Betty Buckley sang so brilliantly first. But they literally do come out into the audience and crawl on you. I was like, you gotta be.

By the end of the show, I had claw marks all over me and they were self-inflicted. Gilbert, did you see cats? No. No, I don't suck cat. No.

I think he protests too much. I think so too. I think that you I think that you're no stranger to the penis and I don't mean your own. Liz Belmont, I love Mario's picks for TCM's Halloween Horror Month programming and I'd love to hear what Mario would pick as his

favorite Christmas flick. I love you, Mario. Well, thank you. Pick one. I would pick Scrooge. Scrooge. The Albert Finney Scrooge. I love that movie. I do. You know, on Twitter recently, my friend Ashley Atkinson, who is an actress and who I've worked with, she said, pick your six favorite films.

And her boyfriend, her husband, Leon, picked. But he included some specials. I was like, no, films. Not Emmett Otter's Jug Band, whatever the fuck that is. Or like, you know, you can't pick those. It's a film. Rudolph, no. Rudolph, no. No, no.

Six films that's different than six specials or combining the two. You're a purist and I like that about you. Who was Oscar in the female odd couple? Oh, Oscar was Sally Struthers. I think Rita Moreno was Oscar. Sally Struthers? I think Rita Moreno was Oscar. Sally Struthers was Felix. When are they going to do the two gay odd couple? They should just do the gay.

They've done the women. They've done the whole thing is a gay guy and a straight guy. That's what it is. So the gay odd couple is two guys leave their male partners to live together? No, I think one of them should be gay. What's the premise there? I think Felix should be gay and I think Oscar should be straight. A gay and a straight. Yeah, I think so.

I think that's the way it should be. The world's ready for that. Yeah, I think so. You and Gilbert, maybe? We'd be perfect. How about the Sunshine Boys for the two of you? Oh my God. Well, by the way, he's the right age for that right now. I am still youthful and beautiful.

He's older than Burns was. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. You ready for another quiz, guys? Yes, certainly. This is a reprise of something we did last

year with the help of the great, talented Josh Chambers, who's with us here. Our Twitter master, Josh. Wave your hand. We'd like to call this Noel or No Way. Are these real network Christmas specials or ones we just pulled out

of our ass? Okay. What do you think, Gil? Gil, you were pretty good at this last year. Yeah. Yeah, last year. Yes. Because his frontal lobe is chipping now, so I don't know how good he'll be now. Here we go. Number one, Andy Williams and the NBC Kids Search for Santa.

Premise or synopsis. Andy and the NBC Kids Search for Santa in Finland, featuring Tempest Bledsoe, Soleil Moon Frye, Keisha Knight Pulliam, or Pullum, Joey Lawrence, Alfonso, you can't talk today, Alfonso Ribeiro, and Malcolm Jamal Warner. Is that

real? Or Noel, or no way? It's Noel. It is real. Gilbert? Oh, gee. The fact says it's real. I was going to say it is real. Gilbert? Oh, gee. The fag says it's real. I was going to say it's false. Mario is right. It's a real special.

It's real. You know how I knew? Oh, my God. I'll tell you because those guest stars were all like at the same. They were all that era. Yeah. Oh, God. That sounds like a horror show.

It does. Didn't become a holiday staple. I want to go on TCM and present that as my favorite horror movie. Okay, here's another one. From 1980, Happy Holidays with Pink Lady and Jeff. Me and Keiko celebrate the holidays live from Budokan with a little help from Ashford and Simpson, David Soul, Jan Murray, and the Starland Vocal Band.

And, of course, Jeff. Gilbert? Noel or No Way? Just because the first one was true, I'm going to say this one's false. So you say No Way. I'm going to say it's true. You say Noel. Noel.

Yeah. Josh made that one up. That's a good one, Josh. Yeah, it's a good one. You piece of shit. That's Jan Murray in there. Nice work, Josh Chambers. That's a good one, Josh. Yeah, it's a good one. You piece of shit. That's Jan Murray in there. Nice work, Josh Chambers. That's a good one.

The Starland vocal band, that's the one that got me. I was like, oh, that's real. So it's a fake one. Here we go. Gil, you won that one. From 1978, the Cleveland All-Star Christmas Spectacular, favorite son Jamie Farr is joined by MASH co-stars Harry Morgan and Gary Berghoff

for a musical trip down memory lane with locally born stars, hard-rocking Joe Walsh from the Eagles, screaming Jay Hawkins, Eric Carman, and the Cleveland Philharmonic. Noel or no way? I'm going to guess it's true. Gilbert says Noel. It's real. I'm going to say it's true. Gilbert says Noel. It's real. I'm going to say it's true, too, even though I think it's not.

Well, then why would you say it? No, because I think it's true. I think it's true. Because I'm not trusting my instincts, but I think it's true. Josh, do you want a mic in there? Josh is shaking his head no. No, we pulled that one out of our asses, too. You asshole!

I knew it wasn't. Why didn't I go? See, sometimes I don't go with my gut. All right, next. These are great fakes, aren't they? Oh, they're really good. Okay. Paul Lynch, Twas the Night Before Christmas,

a special inspired- That's real. I know that one. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to go with real one. Very good. See, Josh? They didn't even let me get through the synopsis.

And it's kind of dramatic. It is. It's a play. It's not like a variety special like his Halloween special. 1977, a special inspired by the 1823 poem, A Visit from St. Nicholas. It stars Paul Lynn. Listen to this cast. Ann Mira, Martha Ray, Anson Williams, George Goebel, podcast guest Joel Gray,

John MacGyver, Gilbert. Oh, my God. Howard Morris and Alice Ghostly. And you know Paul was fingering Anson Wilson. Okay, now, Mario, which one do you think invented that character, Paul Lynn or Alice Ghostly? Invented what character? Oh. They both

acted identical. Yeah, they did. I think it might have been Alice Ghostly. What do you think? Give us a little Paul Lynn towards the night before Christmas. Towards the night before Christmas and all through the house

not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. Paul Lynn, another famous Jew. Yep, he was. This is such a beautiful, heartwarming Christmas show. Oh, those Jews, they're the reason I don't have a career. That's the truth. How about you guys doing the odd couple, both of you as Paul Lynn?

That would be perfect. My sinuses. It's not spaghetti, it's linguine. Josh, you see what you've caused? Okay, here we go. Noel or No Way. Mr. T and Emanuel Lewis in A Christmas Dream. Mr. T plays a Santa Claus who meets a young boy, played by Emanuel Lewis of TV's Webster,

who doesn't share the spirit of Christmas. Also features the magic of David Copperfield, Willie Tyler and Lester, and the Radio City Rockettes. That's not real. Gilbert, Noel, or No Way? I'm going to say not real, but it should be. Mario? Not real.

It is as real as you are sitting there. Holy shit. Noel. A Christmas miracle. These are pissing me off. josh we did a good job yep mr t and emmanuel lewis in the in the in a christmas dream from 1984 and what were the guests sounds too good who was that gilbert how did you not end up in this it was the last guest that i was like, no. David Copperfield. Yeah.

Willie Tyler and Lester. I didn't even know David Copperfield was around in 84. Yeah, and Radio City Rockettes. Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to love Mr. T as Santa. And Emmanuel Lewis as a boy without Christmas spirit.

I pity the poor fool. Pick up my sack, bitch. I like Gilbert's answer. It's not real, but it should be. And last but not least, Foster Brooks Holiday Cheers from 1976. Funny man Foster Brooks rounds up some special friends for a cup or two of Christmas cheer, including Slappy White, Joanne Worley, Lauren Green, Pat Paulson, and a very special guest appearance by Dean Martin.

That is not true. Not real. I'm going to give the same answer. If it's not true, it should be. That's a cop-out answer, Gilbert. Is it Noel or No Way? You've got to take a position. Okay, so I'm going to say No Way.

No Way. Very good. That one was made up. That was made up. Mario's giving Josh the finger in the booth. Wow. I think you guys were sufficiently stumped. We were. This has been a very difficult day. I've had a hard

week. Do you want to try this song? Oh, I'd love to. I can't wait to sing with the melodic tunes. Those melodic tunes of Gilbert Gottfried. What a songstress. He's melodious. He's melodic. He's a miserable motherfucking piece of shit ass.

Malodorous, maybe. Malodorous, yeah. This is, well I think you're all going to know this one. Seth, what do we think? Everybody's going to know this one. Huge, huge hit from Sound of Music. Yes, and even though Gilbert has repeatedly

tried to bump off Julie Andrews on this show, she's still with us. She's awesome. She is awesome. You know what? I like Julie Andrews. Can I tell you? No, she's here. I know her daughter because she was used to be part of the Bay Street Theater in Sag Harbor.

Emma Walton, who is lovely, and her husband, Stephen. And the first time I ever met Julie Andrews was in Disney World. Wow. At the Rainforest Cafe. I'm like, I was like, it's Julie. And she was sitting with Emma and I knew Emma. So I went over and said hello. She was very nice.

And you know, that was my first movie was Mary Poppins. You know that, right? Go ahead, say it. I'm a faggot. Go ahead, say it, you piece of shit. Yeah, you're a faggot. I knew you were going to say it. Come on, it's Christmas.

I just want to say our heart and our prayers and sympathies go out to Julie Andrews. You're terrible. You're horrible. She's a lot. The late, great Julie Andrews. Oh, my God. We asked Julie Andrews to do this podcast. Why would she?

Exactly. She's got class. We did. Because she's dead Then for God's sake She's not desperate Like I am We got Barry Levinson Instead

Not bad Yeah that's pretty good Yeah Barry Levinson's pretty good Yeah It was for the Tribeca Film Festival She was in town

You've had a few people That have been tricked Almost 400 Yeah We're doing a lot of tricking Okay kids Maestro if you will So we're just gonna Plow through here Yeah Yeah, exactly. We're doing a lot of tricking. Okay, kids. Maestro, if you will.

So we're just going to plow through here. Rain drops on roses and whispers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. Brown paper packages tied up with strings. These are a few of my favorite things. Cream colored bunnies, crisp apple strudels, dough bells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles. Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings. These are a few of my favorite things. Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes. Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes.

Silver white winters that melt into spring. These are a few of my favorite things. When the dog bites. When the bee stings. When I'm feeling sad. I simply remember my favorite things. You got the next one, too. on kittens, white copper kettles and warm wooden mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings. These are a few of my favorite things. Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels,

doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzels with noodles, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings. These are a few of my favorite things. Girls in white dresses with blue saddened stashes. Fun flags that stay on my rose and my glasses silver white twitters that melt into

a spring these are a few of my favorite things when the dog bites when the bee stings when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad. partner in the country, perhaps in the globe, perhaps in the universe. Martians could sing a song better than you. You have absolutely no scanning power at all. You are behind the beat, ahead of the beat, off the beat, flat shot, awful. I would rather sing a duet with Marlon Brando.

Well, we like that one. You made it through, Gil. And Seth, you are a fucking champ. I'm exhausted. You should be. It's very stressful to keep up with this fucking moron, this musical moron. Oh, my pancreas.

And he, who was in Aladdin, one of the great animated musicals, did you have a number in it? Did you sing in it? No. Because you can't! They knew better than to give you a number But they didn't

No, no He sings in the second one You do, right Gil? Do you sing in the second one? Yes Return of Jafar I have two songs in the second Oh God

I can't wait to go home I've got to put it on Just so I can, you know Dance to the Gil, give him two lines of your song From Return of Jafar Go ahead Return of Jafar Oh, okay on just so i can you know dance to the gil give him give him give him two lines of your song from return to jafar go ahead return of okay um um um that's it i've had it i hate to be dramatic but it's time for me to fly the coop terrific fine i'm drawing the line before i wind up in a parrot soup. It was a fool to let you run the show.

I've cut you loose, pal. Look out below. Arrivederci. C'est la vie. Hope all goes well. I'm looking out for me. Well, obviously you need to be paid millions to actually sing in the pocket.

So there you go. That was quite good. Not bad, Gil. Not bad. Very good. Let's thank good. Not bad, Gil. Not bad. Very good. Let's thank some people before we get to our big finale. Let us... Now, before we leave,

Joan Crawford one time pitched on David Niven. Bruce Valanche told us that, that she peed on David Niven. I don't think I ever peed on anybody. Except for my son Christopher when he peed the bed just to teach him a lesson. I am too clean to pee on anybody. And David Niven did not like urine. He liked a nice tea that maybe smelled like urine because the herbs were similar in smell.

Oh, Lord. Thanks for inserting that, Joe. A honeysuckle tea does smell like urine. Let me thank some people. Let's thank our team. First of all, Seth Saltzman. Oh, thank you. Seth!

Wonderful, wonderful. Not only a wonderful gifted musician, but the resident Jew, the actual knowledgeable Jew in the room. An honor. He's the real deal. I'm very impressed with his judicial achievements. Thank you, Gil. Seth, talk quickly about your charity and how important it is and the fine work that you do for our friends at WhyHunger. Yeah, WhyHunger is a great charity, whyhunger.org.

Check it out. We work with grassroots organizations all over the country, helping making sure that everybody has a living wage, making sure that everybody's entitled to food as a human right. Yes, of course. So we work with community farms all around the country, food banks. Go to our website, whyhunger.org. We're in the middle of the Hungerthon auction right now,

so raising a lot of great money, a lot of good prizes up there to bid on and do good for WhyHunger. Also, the ASCAP Foundation. Okay, yeah. I'd like to put a little kudos out there to the ASCAP Foundation. It's an arm of ASCAP, the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers and the ASCAP Foundation was founded by the guy who wrote Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Who was that? I should know this Who wrote Take Me Out to the Ballgame? Look it up Siri, who wrote Take Me Out to the Ballgame? I can't believe I don't know this There we go But anyway, he had no heirs and he left his

Jack Norworth Jack Norworth. Jack Norworth left his- Wow, Mario. Left his earnings to begin the ASCAP Foundation, which gives a lot of scholarships and foundation grants to young songwriters and young composers. It's important stuff. So yeah, really a great organization. And since we're plugging charities, say a couple of words about the Actors Fund and

Well, the Actors Fund, especially, I is. Especially, I mean, especially always, but during COVID, they were very helpful to a lot of people that needed things, rent, medication. And I love that they take care of actors later in their years, too. Seriously. So, you know, I'm going to get

my walker and get to the Actors Fund. They must have been thrilled that you were able to hand them a check for 50 grand yeah it was 48 000 good for you you know that that's a great that you know this it's so hard to pick one i did another show on hbo called about last night that's like a newly was like tattletales but it was hosted by Steph Curry, who is so gorgeous that it's stupid. And his wife, Aisha, she was lovely. And Jerry and I did it. And we made a couple of thousand dollars for the Trevor Foundation. So, you know, that's another thing.

And, you know, God's love we deliver. A lot of great. A lot of charities need your help. So many. You don't know what to pick. It's very hard. A lot of great. A lot of charities need your help. So many. You don't know what to pick. It's very hard. Especially at the holidays. Yeah. Let's thank, too, the people here at Sirius, our team, Dan Spaventa, our engineer in the booth,

Stephen Varley, Jack Vaughn, Jason Shibairo, and Jim McClure, who put this all together technically, which we appreciate. And Rob, what is Rob's last name? Do we have, do we, do we, do we, what? Rob McCumber. Very good. Rob McCumber. I'm surprised Gilbert didn't say anything about cucumber.

And what about the lady who helped with engineering tonight? Madeline. Does Madeline have a last name? Con. Madeline does Madeline have a last name? Con Madeline Madeline Fleiger thank you Madeline thank you Rob thank you everybody our team

Josh and Michelle are here Michelle Mantine on Facebook Josh Chambers our Twitter guru Greg Pair Dino Preserpio John Seals Matthew Milligan John Murray Jamie Maroney John Tes Tesler, Jared Piantadosi, our new intern who was here in the booth. Thanks for coming, Jared. And, of course, the person that Gilbert always loves to give credit to and thank, Gino Salamone.

Quickly, our Starburns team, Aristotle, Lan Romo, Brian Baldinger, the late, great Jason Smith. We'll also thank Dara, of course, my long-suffering wife, Genevieve, and everybody, all the publicists, the people who help us book the show and promote the show and get press for us, the musicians, Joe McGinty, John Fodiatis. We're closing in on 400 of these bad boys, and it really does take a village. A Christmas village. Yeah, a Fisher-Price Christmas village. And once again, the people who helped with this episode,

thanks to Dave Thomas for Bob Hope. Thanks to Josh Chambers again for the help with that wonderful Noel in No Way. Thanks to the Rabbi, David Komarowski and Dino Preserpio, John Bastone, Kevin Doherty, and Daryl Maieski. We are grateful to all of you.

And now that we got to thank yous, plugs. Mario, on your birthday, which is coming up on December 9th. December 9th. Well, you know, and just like that drops, the first two episodes drop on HBO Max exclusively. It's not going to be on HBO. It's not going to be on Cinemax. It's going to be on HBO Max. But if you have HBO, you can get HBO Max exclusively. It's not going to be on HBO. It's not going to be on Cinemax. It's going to be on HBO Max. But if you have HBO,

you can get HBO Max for free. A lot of people don't know that. And if you don't have either, get it because it's really good. And there's 10 episodes. I'm a nine out of the 10. I'm a regular. I saw you in the promo.

Oh, I was in the promo. Yeah, it's very thrilling. I can't believe this is happening in my later years, in my third act. It's very thrilling. I can't believe this is happening in my later years, in my third act. It's my third act. That's what it feels like to me, my third act. I am ready to take a bow and get the hell off this earth.

So December 9th, on your birthday, and just like that. And now is the time, too, to say a couple of words about your late friend, the great Willie Garson. Well, Willie, you know, he's in the first three episodes and he's so alive and brilliant and hilarious in this. And it was a real shock. None of us knew. And it was just it was it was terrible. It was very sad. And he was an incredible father to his son nathan

that's all he talked about was nathan he just loved him very much and you know nathan was 18 years old you know i i i we lived on separate coasts so i didn't see him a lot but every time we did a benefit together or like we did a couple of readings during zoom we were always kind during covid we were zooming we were always like texting each other talking shit and but i miss him he made me laugh so hard and um he was a great tv husband so yeah yeah another significant loss he seemed like he was a much loved guy he was oh god he was loved and he was brilliant and hilarious and and and, he was everything. I miss him a lot. Well, let's close this puppy out by wishing everybody,

we're going to go out on the song, so we'll wish everybody a happy holidays. We're going to wish Mario a happy birthday. I'm even going to wish a happy holidays to Gilbert, though it pains me to do so. Oh, yeah. To all the people who've supported this show for seven years and have been a part of it, and it's been a rough couple

of years. As we all know, we're in every way grateful, and we hope everybody has a wonderful holiday. Yep. And next year is a significant year. It is. It's Judy Garland's 100th birthday.

I would have been 100 years old, but I was 47 when I died. I was very young. I was. And this is a duet that I did with Mel Torme on my Christmas show. And he wrote this song. And I would love to do this duet with Gilbert, but unfortunately he can't do Mel Torme. His range as an actress is very limited.

I think he's a very limited actress. And Mel wrote this verse that he sang for the first time on my show. And it was Jack Jones and Liza, my daughter Liza, and her gay boyfriend, Tracy Evans, who came out of the closet because he dated my daughter Liza. And that would bring anybody out of the closet, wouldn't it? All right, let's do this. All right, let's do this.

All through the years we waited, waited through spring and fall. To hear silver bells ringing and wintertime springing. The happiest season of all Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Jack Frost nipping at your nose Yuletide carols being sung by a quad Folks dressed up like Eskimos Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe Hell, to make the season bright.

Tiny toss with her eyes all aglow. We'll find it hard to sleep tonight. They know that Santa's on his way He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh And every mother's child is gonna spy To see if rainbows really know how to fly. And so I'm offering this simple phrase to kids from one to ninety-two. Although it's been said many times, many ways, Merry Christmas to you. Love and joy come to you and to all your loved ones too.

And God bless you and send you a happy new year And God bless you A happy new year Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas, Mario. Happy holidays. Mario Cantone. Mario. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas, Mario. Happy holidays. Mario Cantone. Mario.

Merry Christmas, Gilbert. Merry Christmas, Gilbert. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas, Frank and Seth and Mario. I'm glad you could get it out for me. Merry Christmas. And more importantly, happy Chinooka. Happy Chinooka.

Thank you. We love you guys. See you next year. Go sit on those candles and blow them out. I don't believe anything. And may this be the merriest Christmas of all our life. Some Jenkins, some Jenkins. About that six pounds you owe me.

You agree to give me a few more days, Mr. Scrooge? You can give me my Christmas present, too. God bless you this Christmas day, Mr. Scrooge. I just need to... You can keep it. It's my Christmas present to you. God bless you this Christmas day, Mr. Scrooge. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me. It sounds a bit bizarre, but things the way they are. I feel as if another life's begun for me. I feel as if another life's begun for me And that goes for anyone else who owes me money You can keep it as of this day All my debts are ended And if I had to drop my upper baggy To act a soldier, runty, jumpy, jump

But since I left me drama at home I simply have to say Thank you very much. Thank you very much. That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me. It isn't every day. Good fortune comes my way. I never thought the future would be fun for me. Gentlemen, Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge!

Come to my office on Monday morning And I will give you a hundred guineas for your most worthy cause And the same every Christmas Thank you very, very much, Mr. Scrooge! Thank you very, very, very much! Thank you very, very, very much. Thank you very much, thank you very much, That's a nice and big day, I'm ready to dance for you. The future looks alright, the country looks alright,

I'll be the winter party, sing a song for me. Sing a Christmas carol, sing a Christmas carol, sing a Christmas carol, and the children will sing a Christmas carol. And if you can, you can do that with my lead, to make us all the same, a great surprise. And join your team, oh join your team, and make this fun today! I tip the head, we catch the tide! I sip the essence of the wine, Thank you very, very, very much! Thank you very much Thank you very much

That's the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me I race and I will dutch But by me might be such I feel as if the losing was before me And if I ever play the random faggot Who had a sort of vital thing to touch Oh, my God. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!