Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Christmas Novelty Songs with Mario Cantone Encore

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

GGACP celebrates the 2023 holiday season with this ENCORE of a memorable and musical mini-episode from 2016, as the irrepressible Mario Cantone joins the boys for a loving look at Christmas novelty songs, including timeless classics and tuneless clunkers. Also in this episode: Dueling Dylans! Dominick the Donkey! Gilbert gets a Christmas tree! The return of Bob Hope’s ‘Jack Frost’! And Tony Curtis puts the moves on Bette Davis! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, this is Gilbert Godfried, and this is Gilbert and Frank's amazing colossal obsessions with my co-hosts, with my co-host, Frank Santo Padre, once again at Nutmeg, with our engineer, Frank Ferdorosa. And our guest is Mario Canton. We kept Mario around. He was here for a Christmas episode. Yes, which will be on the air very soon. Yes. And we wanted to do a little mini episode about Christmas music.

It's mini. It's mini. We do these little 15-minute jobs. What kind of a job? Uh, tell me. What? You know, I need to talk about my Christmas as Liza Minnelli. When I was six years old, I was in front of the fireplace waiting for Santa with a stack of cookies and a novel by Dostoevsky.

I was reading this novel, and I fell asleep. And when I woke up, the cookies were gone. And I said, Santa came and he ate the cookies. But then I remembered, I took an ambient and I sleep. He paid. Mama gave me the heavy, and I guess. That's so wrong. No, it's true.

Now, Christmas is very important to you, as we established in the last episode. It is. You grew up in Stona, Mass. Yeah, I did. What were your Christmas is like? Well, we had a silver tree. It was a silver. Did you have a tree with a color wheel?

No, no. We had that. We had a color wheel for a while. My mother, like, got rid of it. But we never had a green tree and never had a real tree. It had a silver stick, and you plugged in these silver, like, looked like tinfoil that was all shredded. They were big then. Yeah, I mean, and then red balls.

It was the worst Christmas tree. Do you have super great footage of this tree? Do you have evidence? I think I might have pictures of it. We had the color wheel growing up in Ozone Park in Queens. We had the silver foil tree, and there was a wheel with a light behind it with a single bulb. And it were four colors on the wheel. And when the wheel turned, the tree.

the tree turned different colors. Yes, absolutely. Gasly. Really ghastly business. It turned orange and red and green and blue. Was it a silver? It was a silver tree? Silver foil tree.

Oh, yeah. Brutal. It was like tinsel. The tinsel material in tree form. And you couldn't use tinsel on the tree because it was already there would just disappear. Right. It was, they were terrible. But, you know, I got what I wanted.

I was a spoiled brat. My mother never said, I love you, but she would give me things. That's why if you give me something, you love me. That's how fucked up I am. You know, if I don't, but I remember, like, the big Walt Disney book, the art of Walt Disney by Christopher Finch, it was like, the book was like, Oh, it's a huge book. It looked like one of the books at the beginning of the animation,

you know, one of the animated movies that opened up. It was huge. That, the, the Disney films, I had Disney, I was the, I was Disney Thug Friday. I was like, I loved it. I loved all that stuff. I had, like, ceramics, and I got, please, I got, I got anything I wanted. I was a brat. And we were just middle class, you know, we weren't rich.

My father was a bookie, and my mother was a bookie and a compulsive gambler. Wow. That's a good combo. But the Christmas was important to the cantones. Yeah, it was. My mother would cook, but it was, she hated it. You know, she, and now that she's dead, I know, like, it's a project. Like, you know, you do the seven fishes every Christmas Eve, the big stuff shrimp and the Buccalo.

and the buck-a-law. But do they still do that, the seven-fishes. I do it. You do it? You and Jerry? I carry on the tradition. That's nice. My husband, my African-American husband, makes all the seven fishes.

He makes the baked stuff shrimp. He makes the baccala. Wow. The motherfucker-a-law. My mother never made baccala. I'm coming over. Oh, he makes a great buck-a-law. He does a great job.

And then I'll do the desserts. And then on Christmas, I make lasagna with gravy and meatballs. I do that. You know, that's what we do. I don't, and Thanksgiving, who the fuck wants turkey? We make lasagna. shaped like turkey with a little

I remember your bit about Thanksgiving with the grand with the uncle with the noki ring Yeah he had the Nyoki ring And he would like

sip They would always be watching like You know It was before picture in a picture So they had like You know

The orange bowl And the Super Bowl And your mother's bowl Every fucking bowl Because they were booking They were all booked And I would hear my uncle Philly like

With the hand down The pants And the pinky ring would stay out Because it was too fucking bulbous To fit in his Pants

And he'd just be like Oh Jesus Christ, they dropped the fucking ball. I got money on this game. I don't know me, oh my God. And I'd be on the other room and screaming like, shut up! I'm trying to watch the Wizard of Oz!

And I was. Kill, I've never asked you about this. Obviously, you didn't celebrate Christmas in the Gottfried household. What was Christmas like? Was it you just go to the movies day? Chinese food? Well, you know, this is really weird.

Because I've always wanted to know. I can't wait. I'm not surprised. This is very weird. All of us would use. Well, that's the way it is in a family. It's usually. Yeah.

And somewhere along the way, we got one of those artificial Christmas trees. Oh, like the ones we're talking about. Yeah. But you had a green one. You didn't have a silver one. It actually looked like a real tree. Yeah. Well, no, it looked as phony as shit.

Okay. But we liked the idea of having a Christmas tree. You did. It was more festive than anything. You know, Gentile holidays are much happier and enjoyable than Jewish holidays where you've got to suffer even more. And so we actually had a Christmas tree that we would unfold the branches and put out every year. That's fascinating. Yeah.

I think that's, I never knew that. I think it's great because you probably loved it, right? I mean, it was Christmas. You saw Christmas all around you. At least you didn't feel like you couldn't have, you know, a colorful, happy holiday. And the thing is, it's like, I think if you ask most Gentiles what Christmas means, they would have a hard time explaining. Oh, yeah. Well, it means presents. Yeah, yeah.

We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. And now back to the show. Your father was owned a hardware store And decided you had to have a Christmas Yeah and A Christmas tree But we also had a small metal manora Okay

With candles And we used those same candles For the birthdays And yeah And your father owned a hardware store Yeah In Coney Island Oh I love a man with a hardware store

Oh Did he have a Hanukkah belt? Oh Yeah So Save your hands, boys. You may need them later. So we'll talk a little music quick.

Favorite Christmas song growing up. And it could be a carol or it could be like a song that was on the charts. You know what I loved? What do you love? Can I say, this is really fucked up. I love the Partridge Family Christmas album. Oh, I have it. It's great.

It is. I have it. I love the arrangements. I think it's like, it's really good. I really like it. That was a strange choice She's like jingle bells Whoo! Jingle bells

Whoo! Jingle all the way David Cassidy and Shirley Jones Not the Phil Specter Christmas album That's pretty wonderful. I love that too. And as crazy as she is, Mariah Carey's first one is Meggedy's right. Now Mariah Carey's out of her mind, isn't she? She belongs in the nutty bin.

Yes, I think she's crazy. She's just out now. are bad shit crazy I believe she is I don't know this for a fact but I've heard many things she's nutty I love

what go ahead but her Christmas album's pretty amazing what about traditional stuff growing up like Felice Navidad and no no no no I like the Barberstries and one when I was growing up and of course I love the Rankin' Bass stuff

I love I love you know Santa Claus coming to town I love Rudolph, and we're on the island of Misfit Toys. I love all the shit. Gilbert impressed me by knowing the lyrics to we're on the island of Misfit Toys. We're on the island of Misfit Toys. There I do not, oh, there I don't want to stay. See, I don't even know that line.

That's pretty good. And then it's the most wonderful day of the year. When I was a kid, I was terrified of King Moon Racer. It was just a flying lion. And he's like, he's a little gay, too, in it. Hey, I'm getting impatient. When do we get to the Bob Pope's special? Oh!

I forgot to mention it on the major episode. But I sent it to Mario. Oh, I watched it. He'd never seen it. Jack Frost? He was 106, and they made him up with icicles. I swear to God, I don't think he knew his own name at that point. And what about the wife who looks like a rank and bust?

Rankin' best. Dolores Hope. She looks like somebody carved her face. And they've got a bunch of kids dancing around to overcompensate for the fact that Bob Hope

is living dead. And I'm going to tell you, there's nothing worse than children at Christmas. I can't bear them. I can't bear the children at Christmas. I don't like I hate child actors. That's Dolores, right?

That's her. She needed to sit this one out. Oh, yeah, the poor thing. She couldn't because Bob Hope was just a corpse on his feet. And I think, you know, she met, they dress him up like Jack Frost with a pointed beard and pointed hat. And he's there like going, catch me. And I think it was Dolores' revenge for all. All the times that Bob Hope fucked around on her.

With Marilyn Maxwell. Yeah. Yeah. She wouldn't let him... Right. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of him dying. So she covered him in icicle makeup. Yes.

And it looks like Rankin'Bass designed his costume. It's just gruesome. He looks like the Winter Warlock. I can't believe you'd never seen that. No. I had to send it to you. Oh, my God. And she's even worse.

And then there's children. I can't. You know, I just went to Disney World and I, and I'm resent. Once I get there, I'm like, I'm going to. the greatest time and then I see children and I'm so resentful that they're here

it's like when I go see a Disney movie and there's a kid in front of me I just I always like leaned forward and whispered in their ear and I go what are you doing here

go home? You still have that great mosaic in your dining room with the Disney with the tiles which one? Oh the top that's by an artist

named Russell was released Yeah it's good song of the south and then it's in the middle of it It's all like all these riots during the civil rights movements and the KKK. It's like it kind of juxtaposes the two things. It's called Alabama Theater.

It's a great piece. Jill, what Christmas song do you actually enjoy besides the Rankin' Bass ones that you've, that you. Wow. Do you like Bing's White Christmas? Do you like David Bowie and Bing doing the little drummer boy together? Oh, geez. Any of those? How about holly jolly Christmas, also from a...

Have a holly jolly Christmas. Burlives who name names, by the year. That's what they say. Oh, by golly, have an holly jolly Christmas this year. I think if Michael McDonald of the Doobie Brothers, if they ever remade Rudolph, Sam the Snowman, in live action, should be Michael McDonald. Wow. Have a holy, jolly Christmas.

It's the best time of the year. I don't know what you went. I'm going to have a couple of trees. Have a holiday, darling quick tree. And when you walk down the street, say, that's my mic to my tone.

I'm going to dial up a couple that I had Frank load up and tell me your memories of this one. Have a pussy grabbing Christmas. It's the best time of the year. I don't know if you've been told but grab some pusters' year. These are some Christmas novelty songs

that you may remember. Frankie, you got the first one queued? What is it? Gill? Oh, that, yeah, I forget the name. It was Jingle Bells. Yes, it's Jingle Bells by the singing dogs. Are you serious?

You know about this? I think I've heard this one. Oh, they play this every Christmas. Yeah, this is every Christmas. It's on the radio. But where are the vocals? Thanks, Frankie. See, this just shows.

I always bring up this song. Yeah. This to me shows, even back then, What they could do to singers, they could take a singer and change it, like, and they can make it dogs barking sound like jingle bell. They could. They could, and they did. It was made in the 50s, but popular in the 70s.

Really? Yeah. And this was before, like, auto tune or old. It was before artists. I was going to say that. So what's the next one? All right, Frankie. What's the second one?

You got it? You guys know this? Mario? Dominic the donkey? Hey, Jingety-Gee It's Dominic the donkey The Italian Puskin donkey

I just see all old Italian women with moustaches and cherry-clothrobes Dancing around It's horrifying I heard this for the first time in Newport, Rhode Island on the radio I didn't even know what existed When did this? This was the 60s? 1960.

December, 1960. Gigged the jig. We released in 2011 for some strange reason. The Italians had the most hilarious, like, jiggotty jig. Like, they go into a bank in the 50s and to get the attention of the tell. They go, hi-ho. I mean, what the mom is that? Do you remember Lou Montie Gill?

Oh, yeah. Pepino the Italian mouse. Yes. He did Pepino. He had hit records. And he was a big deal. See, I was confused Pepino the Italian mouse and Topo Gijo. They were different, though, right?

Pepino was Italian. I guess Topo Gijo was a lot. Well, did they sue each other? I mean, they're kind of similar. On roulette records, the Maubone record label that Tommy James had the... Wow. Rulet was Maugh-Bone? Yeah.

How about this one? Frankie? Whop-wop! I'm getting nothing for Christmas. Oh, I remember this. Yep. You know the actor? The famous actor who's singing this as a child?

It's a boy? Yeah, it's a boy. Are you sure? If I stumped you, boys. Is it Ron Howard? You know this actor? He was the president of said. Barry Gordon.

No, Barry Gordon, wow. He was on fish with a pagoda. You know Barry Gordon, Gil? Yeah. Child actor. I don't remember that. Yeah. Now, wasn't Barry Gordon?

in a movie with Bobby Darren? He may have been. I think it was a movie where Bobby Darren was like an American Nazi. Was it point, point, what was it? A pressure point? Pressure point? Maybe. We can put that out to our listeners.

Barry Gordon was on the sitcom Fish. And he did a lot of work. He played Bobby, Billy Darren as a kid in the movie. Very good. Wow. I did not know that. I did not know that. We'll put that out to our listeners if you know the movie with Barry Gordon.

Nothing. Oh, meanwhile, our listeners told us there were at least two other Blofelds in the James Bond movies. That's right. Yes, Charles Gray, I think it was Blofeld and somebody else. I got a couple more here you guys might remember. These are novelty songs. I love those double-seven movies. Blowfinger was my favorite.

Okay, Frankie. Gil will spot it. Oh, Snoopy. It's Snoopy's Christmas. Oh, yeah. By the Royal Guardsman. I remember this, too. Yeah.

I love the Charlie Brown Christmas special. It's one of the greats. I'm dancing. This song. was huge for some reason. It was. Yeah. I had the album. In New Zealand.

Really? It is the biggest selling single in the history of New Zealand. Wow. Yeah. I think I had this whole album. The Royal Guardsman, 1967. Thanks, Frankie. Frankie, that was fantastic.

And one last one. Do you have any memories of these? I absolutely do. I just remember having that album. And I remember I think the Red Baron was on the cover. Well, there was another snoburn. Snoopy single. There was Snoopy versus the Red Barron first, and then this was the Christmas. And then there was that song that I guess they wanted to avoid being sued. So they, that was, you know, hold on Sloopy. Hold on Sloopy by the McCoys. Yeah. Rick Derringer.

Snoopy, how? Sloopy, hang on. Sloopy. Yeah, I remember that. We got one more novelty song. Go ahead, Frankie. This one, of course, is iconic. Oh, yeah. Oh, all right, you chipmunks. Ready to sing your song? I had this album, too. Okay, Simon. Okay, Theodore. David Seville. Okay, Alvin.

Alvin. Alvin! Okay. Listen to those Chipmunk Harpies. Ninety-eight. Yeah. Won three Grammys. It won three Grammys?

Yes, it did. Ross Back, the late Ross Baggsarion, also known a is David Seville. Yeah, the chipmunks song. I remember that, too. I had that album, too. Yeah. I like the chipmunks.

I don't know why, though. Why don't I... I mean, at least they're in tune. At least they're... But then they made that movie recently. Awful. That was painful. Horrible.

I agree. They did two of them, didn't they? I guess so. Did you listen to Christmas music as a kid? Oh, I couldn't avoid it. Yeah. But this kind of stuff, like the kind of stuff that charted, like pop songs and novelty songs. Yeah, I remember.

I'd hear it. hear it all the time in the radio. You can't avoid it. Do you hate Grandma got run over by a reindeer as much as I do? Yes. Can I tell you one of my favorite recent Christmas albums? It's Kelly Clarkson. Have you heard it? I heard that was good.

It's brilliant. In fact, I opened with Rapped in Red, which is one of the songs she does on the album, and it's actually the title song for my concert in Fort Lauderdale. And it's really produced brilliantly. It's a lot of original stuff, and she does but she does a rocking version of Run Run Rudolf and she does Blue Christmas

but then she does some original stuff well Michael McDonald has a great Christmas album too I like rocking around the Christmas tree Oh I love Who I can have a Christmas tea That's a favorite Later we'll have some fucking fat I like that

That was Brenda Lee Brendan Lee More importantly Kelly Clarkson's fat now isn't she She's heavy now Yeah well she had a baby but she's like she goes up and down

but I think she's like fuck it this is what I look like This is what we established Kelly Clarkson's fat and Mariah Carey's out of her mind Yes Okay

But Kelly Clarkson Have a wonderful Christmas Like Kelly Clarkson's got that voice She's talented I have a question What about Bob Dylan's Christmas album? Have you ever heard that?

Gigga bitch But it's beautifully orchestrated too It's like It's like there's a lot of It's lush It's lush, and then he's like, he's like, he came to go, he comes dead and goes, way, yeah, day to go, come they told me, it's so brutal.

Oh, do you hear what I hear? Apparently not. We're on the island of Miss Fitzhires. And the holy, jolly Christmas. You used to do Dylan in your act. Bill in having a conversation with Floyd the Barber. Oh, yeah, I still do. I never throw anything away. Don't throw it away.

He still does it. Hello, Floyd. Hello, hi. Howard McMere. That's hilarious. Fantastic. The first time I ever saw him, I fell madly in love with him. So we'll go out on this since this was music-themed.

I know you both know this one. Gilbert said make you give me the lyrics Mario will know them by heart Pro that he is And by the way I have a I'm doing a Christmas show with my husband Yes

Talk about it my friend It's at the cutting room Your husband God you sound like a fagin I'm saying the fuck up I eat pussy I eat a pussy Look at my fucking mouth

It looks like a fucking glazed donut Fuck you Gilbert Fuck you Fuck, you fag. Why you have to work blue with the holidays? I've got to. My husband and I, my husband, Sid Loft and I. No, my husband, Jerry Dixon and I.

My husband, David Gashed. Why did David's kisses seem filled with rainbow pride? The insanely talented Jerry. Jerry Dixon. The three of us just had the pleasure of working together. We did. We wrote a great election song. We did, and then the three of us cried.

And we, yeah, I know, we sure did. We wept in the hallway. That was such a weird night. That was a fun day. But we had, we were doing, yeah, the cutting room, Sunday at 8.30. And what is the show? What happened? It's basically the holiday edition of the show that we did at Lincoln Center in February.

It's just us singing and talking about our relationship. We don't really talk about like the chronological order of our relationship. Is Jerry the accompanist? No, we got a full band. You got a full band? Yeah, and it's just, you know. Sunday nights? Sunday night, the 18th.

It's really good. Can I still get a ticket? Yes. Well, I think I will grab the misses. You should come. We will come. Can Gilbert come and join in on the island of MissFit Toys? Yes, you can. Cuttingroom.com.

There are no comps. Fuck you. I have to pay for six tickets for my family. Cutting room in here in Manhattan. Yes. And what else is coming up for you, Mr. Cantona? Perhaps another one-man show. Yeah, I'm working on it.

I think I'm going to try to go to Chicago with it first and then come in here. Maybe in the spring or the summer. Go to Chicago. Okay. And it's going to be huge. Believe me, it's huge. And we will, this will be up Thursday, and we will tell our listeners that following this mini episode, Mario, we had the pleasure of having Mario for a full episode, which will be up Monday. I would never even just accept a mini episode.

I would feel slighted. I needed both. Never do that to you. So we're going to try. We're going to go out on this. And I thought that maybe Tony Curtis and Ms. Betty Davis. Okay. All right.

After the stroke or before? I would insist on nothing less. All right. So do I start? Go ahead. Go ahead. I really can't stay. But, baby, it's cold outside.

I've got to go away. But baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been. Been hoping you drop in. So very nice. I'll hold your hands like there, just like ice. My mother will start to worry. Beautiful watch you're wearing.

My father will be pacing the floor. Listen to the fireplace throng. So I really better scurrying. Beautiful, please, don't hurry. Well, maybe just a half a drink more. Put some rikers on while I'm going on. The neighbors might think. Baby, it's cold outside.

Say what is in this drink. No camps to be hot out there. I wish I knew how. Your eyes are like starlight now. Who break this spell? I'll take your hat. Your hair looks swell. I ought to say no, no, no, no.

Mind if I move closer? Please, I'm going to say I try. What's the sense of hurting my pride? I really can't stay. Baby, don't hold out. Baby, it's cold outside. Baby, it's cold outside. Yes, it really is.

My tits are very arrest. Wait, second verse. I simply must go. Baby, it's cold outside. The answer is no. Wait, oh, wait a minute. Oh, baby, it's cold outside. So nice and warm.

Oh, look at the windows at the storm. My sister will be suspicious. Gosh, your lips look delicious. My brother will be there at the door. Waves upon. On a tropical shore. My maiden aunt's mind is vicious. Gosh, your lips are delicious.

Well, maybe just a cigarette more. I've got to get home. Never a blizzard before. But baby, you'll freeze out there. Say, let me, you're calm. You really. It's up to your knees out there. I'm on my knees.

I'm thrilled when you touch my head. Oh, but don't you see? How can you do this thing to me? At least they'll be looking at life. Your life-long sorrow. I really can't stay. If you caught pneumonia and died. But, baby, it's cold.

Get all the rails out. Baby, it's cold outside. Oh, my, you were ten lines behind. Totally and utterly unprofessional. It was like working with Paige done away again. Oh, shut up, you fucking bitch. Oh, you are... Don't you dare call me a bitch.

Oh. Oh. Half of your face is paralyzed. Where is my mouth? I cannot find my mouth. Why do you still wear miniskirts? Well, Patrick Kelly made this miniskirt for me. It has buttons all over it.

Oh, yes. You weigh two and a half pounds now. Well, because I smoke, I don't eat potato chips and almond croissants like you do. You have skeletal legs. Yes, I do. But the legs are the last to go. Mine are being amputated next week. I think the mini episode might be better.

But you'll hear both. Mario, you're the best. Thank you, boys. I really appreciate it. Happy holidays. Happy New Year. We'll see you at the cutting room. We'll see you at the cutting room Sunday night.

Me and Jerry doing our Christmas show. And me and Mario will be in dinner theater performing the Jew and the Oh, yes. And then in repertory with the man that came to dinner. Well, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing... Gilbert and Frank's amazing colossal obsessions with my co-host, Frank Santopatra. He finally got his name of...

Yes. Thank you, Frank Verde Rosa. Frank Verde Rosa, our engineer at Nutmeg. Two... Three Italians, isn't you? This is the great... Just beat the crap out of them. That's fucking kick his ass.

And her guest was once again Mario Cantell. Thank you, boys. Good evening. I wish all of my listeners a very happy holiday. Here we go, boys. One, two, one, two, three. Commissions. Colossil obsessions.

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