Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Christmas Novelty Songs with Mario Cantone Encore

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

GGACP celebrates the 2023 holiday season with this ENCORE of a memorable and musical mini-episode from 2016, as the irrepressible Mario Cantone joins the boys for a loving look at Christmas novelty songs, including timeless classics and tuneless clunkers. Also in this episode: Dueling Dylans! Dominick the Donkey! Gilbert gets a Christmas tree! The return of Bob Hope’s ‘Jack Frost’! And Tony Curtis puts the moves on Bette Davis! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried and this is Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsessions with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, once again at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Furtarosa. And our guest is Mario Cantone. We kept Mario around. He was here for a Christmas episode. Yes, which will be on the air very soon. Yes, and we wanted to do a little mini for a Christmas episode. Yes, which will be on the air very soon. Yes. And we wanted to do a little mini episode about Christmas music. It's mini.

It's mini. We do these little 15-minute jobs. What kind of a job? Tell me. What? You know, I need to talk about my Christmas as Liza Minnelli. When I was six years old, I was in front of the fireplace waiting for Santa with a stack of cookies and a novel by Dostoevsky. I was reading this novel

and I fell asleep. And when I woke up, the cookies were gone. And I said, Santa came and he ate the cookies. But then I remembered I took an Ambien, and I sleepied. Mama gave me the Ambien, I guess. That's so wrong. No, it's true. Now, Christmas is very important to you, as we established in the last episode. It is. You grew up in Stonemass.

Yeah, I did. What were your Christmases like? Well, we had a silver tree. It was a silver. Did you have a tree with a color wheel? No. We had a color wheel for a while. Then my mother got rid of it.

But we never had a green tree and never had a real tree. It had a silver stick, and you plugged in the silver, looked like tinfoil that was all shredded. They were big then. Yeah, I mean, and then red balls. It was the worst Christmas tree. Do you have Super 8 footage of this tree? Do you have evidence?

I think I might have pictures of it. We had the color wheel growing up in Ozone Park in Queens. We had the silver foil tree, and there was a wheel with a light behind it with a single bulb. And there were four colors on the wheel. And when the wheel turned, the tree turned different colors. Yes, absolutely. Is that what you meant? Really ghastly business.

It turned orange and red and green and blue. Was it a silver tree? Silver foil tree. Oh, yeah. Brutal. It was like tinsel. The tinsel material in tree form. And you couldn't use tinsel on the tree because it was already there.

It would just disappear. Right. They were terrible. But, you know, I got what I wanted. I was a spoiled brat. My mother never said I love you, but she would give me things. That's why if you give me something, you love me. That's how fucked up I am.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Walt Disney book, The Art of Walt Disney by Christopher Finch. It was like, the book was like, I know that book. Oh, it's a huge book. It looked like one of the books at the beginning of the animation, you know, one of the animated movies that opened up. It was huge. That,

the Disney films, I had Disney, I was the, I was Disney thug Friday. I was like, I loved it. I loved all that stuff. I had like ceramics and I got, please, I got anything I wanted.

I was a brat. And we were just middle class. You know, we weren't rich. My father was a bookie. And my mother was a bookie and a compulsive gambler. Wow. That's a good combo. But the Christmas was important to the Cantones.

Yeah, it was. My mother would cook, but it was, she hated it. You know, she, and now that she's dead, I know, like, it's a project. Like, you know, you do the seven fishes every Christmas Eve, the big stuffed shrimp and the bacala and the bacala. They still do that, the seven

fishes. I do it. I do it. You do? You and Jerry? I carry on the tradition. That's nice. My husband, my African-American husband makes all the seven fishes. He makes the baked stuffed shrimp. He makes the bakala. Wow. The motherfucker makes bakala.

My mother never made bakala. I'm coming over. He makes a great bakala. He does a great job. And then I'll do the desserts. And then on Christmas, I make lasagna with gravy and meatballs. I do that. You know, that's what we do. And Thanksgiving, who the fuck wants turkey?

We make lasagna shaped like turkey with a little rigatoni I remember your bit about Thanksgiving with the uncle with the gnocchi the gnocchi ring yeah he had the gnocchi ring

and he would like sip they would always be watching like you know it was before picture in a picture so they had like you know the orange bowl and the super bowl

and your mother's bowl and the toilet bowl every fucking bowl because they were booking they were all booking and I would hear my Uncle Philly with the hand down the pants and the pinky ring would stay out because it was too fucking bulbous

to fit in his pants. And he'd just be like, Jesus Christ, they dropped the fucking ball. I got money on this game. I don't know me. Oh my God. And I'd be in the other room screaming like, shut up! I'm trying to watch The Wizard of Oz! And I was.

Gil, I've never asked you about this. Obviously, you didn't celebrate Christmas in the Gottfried household. What was Christmas like? Was it Jews go to the movies day? Chinese food? Well, you know, this is really weird. Because I've always wanted to know. I can't wait.

Go ahead. I'm not surprised. This is very weird. All of us would use it. Well, that's the way it is in a family, usually. Yeah. And somewhere along the way, we got one of those artificial Christmas trees. Oh, like the ones we're talking about.

Yeah. But you had a green one. You didn't have a silver one. It actually looked like a real tree. It was green. Well, no. It didn't have a silver one. It actually looked like a real tree that was green. Well, no. It looked as phony as shit. Okay.

But we liked the idea of having a Christmas tree. You did. It was more festive than anything. You know, Gentile holidays are much happier and enjoyable than Jewish holidays where you got to suffer even more. And so we actually had a Christmas tree that we would unfold the branches and put out every year. That's fascinating. Yeah. I think that's.

I never knew that. I think it's great because you probably loved it, right? Yeah. It was Christmas. You saw Christmas all around you. You probably loved it, right? Yeah. It was Christmas.

You saw Christmas all around you. At least you didn't feel like you couldn't have, you know, a colorful, happy holiday. And the thing is, it's like, I think if you ask most Gentiles what Christmas means, they would have a hard time explaining it. Oh, well, it means presents. Yeah, yeah. It means presents. Oh, well, it means presents. Yeah, yeah. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this.

And now back to the show. Your father owned a hardware store and decided you had to have a Christmas. Yeah, and... A Christmas tree. But we also had a small metal menorah. Okay. With candles. And we used those same candles for the birthdays too. And

yeah. And your father owned a hardware store? Yeah. In Coney Island. Oh, I love a man with a hardware store. Oh, did he have a Hanukkah belt? Oh. Yeah. Save your hands, boys. You may

need them later. So we'll talk a little music quick. Favorite Christmas song growing up. And it could be a carol or it could be like a song that was on the charts. You know what I loved? What do you love? Can I say? This is really fucked up. I love the Partridge Family Christmas album.

Oh, I have it. It's great. It is. I have it. I love the arrangements. I think it. Oh, I have it. It's great. It is. I have it. I love the arrangements. I think it's like, it's really good. I really like it. That was a strange choice.

She's like, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. David Cassidy and Shirley Jones. Not the Phil Spector Christmas album. That's pretty wonderful. No, I love that too. And as crazy as she is, Mariah Carey's first one is magnificent. Now, Mariah Carey's out of her mind, isn't she? She belongs in the nutty bin.

Yes, I think she's crazy. She's just out now, batshit crazy. I believe she is. I don't know this for a fact, but I've heard many things. She's nutty. I love... What? Go ahead.

No, I... But her Christmas album's pretty amazing. What about traditional stuff growing up? Like Feliz Navidad and... No. No? No. No.

I like the Barbra Streisand one when I was growing up. And of course, I love the Rankin-Bass stuff. I love, you know, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, and I love Rudolph, and We're on the Island of Misfit Toys. I love all that shit. Gilbert impressed me by knowing the lyrics to We're on the Island of Misfit Toys.

Yeah. We're on the island of misfit toys. There I do not, oh, there I don't want to stay. See, I don't even know that line. That's pretty good. It was impressive. And then it's, it's the most wonderful day of the year. When I was a kid, I was terrified of King Moon Racer.

King Moon Racer? It was just a flying lion. And he's like, he's a little gay too in it. Yeah. Hey, I'm getting impatient. When do we get to the Bob Hope special? Oh! I forgot to mention it on the major episode, but I sent it to Mario.

Oh, I watched it when he played Jack Frost? Jack Frost. He was 106, and they made him up with icicles. I swear to God, I don't think he knew his own name at that point. And what about the wife who looks like a Rankin-Bastel? Oh, yes. She looks like somebody carved her face. And they've got a bunch of kids dancing around to overcompensate for the fact that Bob Hope is living dead.

And I'm going to tell you, there's nothing worse than children at Christmas. I can't bear them. I can't bear the children at Christmas. I hate child actors. That's Dolores, right? That's her. She needed to sit this one out. Oh yeah, the poor thing.

She couldn't because Bob Hope was just a corpse on his feet. And I think, you know, they dress him up like Jack Frost with a pointed beard and pointed hat. And he's there like going, that's me. You can hear it now. and hear it now and I think

it was Dolores' revenge for all the times that Bob Hope fucked around with Marilyn Maxwell yeah yeah

she wouldn't let him right she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of him dying so she covered him in icicle makeup yes

and it looks like Rankin Bass designed his costume it's just gruesome he looks like Rankin Bass designed his costume. It's just gruesome. He looks like the Winter Warlock. I can't believe you'd never seen that. No. I had to send it to you.

Oh, my God. And she's even worse. And then there's children. I can't. You know, I just went to Disney World, and once I get there, I'm like, I'm going to have the greatest time. And then I see children, and I'm so resentful that they're here. It's like when I go see a Disney movie movie and there's a kid in front of me. I always lean forward and whisper in their ear and I go, what are you doing here? Go home.

You still have that great mosaic in your dining room with the tiles? Which one? Oh, that's by an artist named Russell. That's great stuff yeah it's Song of the South in the middle of it it's all like

all these riots during the civil rights movements and the KKK it's like it kind of juxtaposes the two things

it's called Alabama Theater it's a great piece Gil what Christmas song do you actually enjoy besides the Rankin Bass ones

that you wow do you like enjoy, besides the Rankin-Bass ones that you... Wow. Do you like Bing's White Christmas? Do you like David Bowie and Bing doing the Little Drummer Boy together? Oh, jeez. Any of those? How about Holly Jolly Christmas, also from... Have a holly jolly Christmas.

Burl Ives who named names, by the way Christmas It's the best time of the year Oh by golly Have a holly jolly Christmas this year I think if Michael McDonald or the Doobie Brothers if they ever remade Rudolph Sam the Snowman in live action should be Michael McDonald

Have a holly jolly Christmas It's the best time of the year. I don't know what you went through, but have a cup of tea. Have a holy joy and quit me. And when you walk down the street. That's my microphone. I'm going to dial up a couple that I had Frank load up and tell me your memories of this one. Have a pussy grab and quit me.

It's the best time of the year. I don't know if you've been told, but grab some pussy this year. These are some Christmas novelty songs that you may remember. Frankie, you got the first one cued? What is it? Gil? Yeah. Oh, that, yeah, I forget the name.

It was Jingle Bells. Yes, it's Jingle Bells by the Singing Dogs. Are you serious? Do you know about this? I think I've heard this before. Oh, they play this every Christmas. This was popular in the 70s. Yeah, this is every Christmas.

It's on the radio. But where are the vocals? Thanks, Frankie. See, this just shows. I always bring up this song. Yeah. See, this just shows, I always bring up this song. Yeah.

This to me shows, even back then, what they could do to singers. They could take a singer and change it. They can make a dog's barking sound like Jingle Bell. They could. They could and they did. It was made in the 50s but popular in the 70s. Really? Yeah.

And this was before like autotune. It was before autotune. I was made in the 50s, but popular in the 70s. Really? Yeah. And this was before, like, autotune. It was before autotune. I was going to say that. So what's the next one? All right, Frankie. What's the second one? You got it? You guys know this? Mario?

Dominic the donkey? Hey! It's Dominic the donkey. Italian buskin the donkey. Jiggity jig. Italian buskin donkey. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I just see all old Italian women with mustaches and cherry cloth robes dancing around. It's horrifying. I heard this for the first time in Newport, Rhode Island on the radio.

I didn't even know it existed. Lou Monte. When did this? This was the 60s? 1960. December 1960. Jigget the jig. I mean, you know.

Re-released in 2011 for some strange reason. Italians had the most hilarious like jigget the jig. Like they go into a bank in the 50s and to get the attention of the town, they go, hi-ho. I mean, what the fuck is that? Do you remember Lou Monte, Gil? Oh, yeah. Pepino the Italian Mouse. Yes.

He did Pepino. He had hit records. He was a big deal. See, I was confused Pepino the Italian Mouse and Topo Gigio. They were different though, right? Yeah, Pepino was Italian. I guess Topo Gigio was Italian too. Did they sue each other?

I mean, they're kind of similar. On Roulette Records, the Ma Bone record label that Tommy James had. Wow. Roulette was Ma Bone? Yeah. How about this one, Frankie? I'm getting nutty for Christmas. Oh, I remember this.

Yep. You know the actor, the famous actor who's singing this as a child? It's a boy? Yeah, it's a boy. Are you sure? As if I stumped you boys. Is it Ron Howard? You know this actor? He was the president of SED. Barry Gordon.

No, Barry Gordon. Wow. He was on Fish with Abe Vigoda. You know Barry Gordon, Gil? Yeah. Yeah. Child actor. I don't remember. I remember that.

Yeah. Now, wasn't Barry Gordon in a movie with Bobby Darin? He may have been. I think it was a movie where Bobby Darin was like an American Nazi. Was it Point? Point? What was it? Pressure Point?

Pressure Point? Maybe. We can put that out to our listeners. Barry Gordon was on the sitcom Fish. He did a lot of work. He played Bobby Darin as a kid in the movie. Very good. Wow.

I did not know that. I did not know that. We'll put that out to our listeners if you know the movie with Barry Gordon. Nothing. Oh. Meanwhile, our listeners told us there were at least two other Blofelds in the James Bond movies. That's right. Yes.

Charles Gray, I think, was Blofeld and somebody else. I got a couple more here you guys might remember. These are novelty songs. Christmas novelty songs. I love those 007 movies. That's right. Yes, Charles Gray, I think, was Blofeld and somebody else. I got a couple more here you guys might remember. These are novelty songs, Christmas novelty songs. I love those 007 movies. Blowfinger was my favorite. Blowfinger. Okay, Frankie. Gil will spot it.

Oh, Snoopy. It's Snoopy's Christmas. Oh, Snoopy! It's Snoopy's Christmas. Oh, yeah! By the Royal Guardsmen. I remember this, too. Yeah. I love the Charlie Brown Christmas special. It's one of the greats.

I'm dancing! This song was huge for some reason. It was. Yeah. I have the album. In New Zealand. Really? It is the biggest selling single in the history of New Zealand.

Wow. Yeah. I think I had this whole album. The Royal Guardsman, 1967. Thanks, Frankie. Frankie, that was fantastic. And one last one. Do you have any memories of these?

I absolutely do. I just remember having that album. And I remember, I think the Red Baron was on the cover of it. Well, there was another Snoopy single. It was Snoopy versus the Red Baron first. And then this was the Christmas. And then there was that song that I guess they wanted to avoid being sued. So that was Hold On Sloopy.

Hold On Sloopy by the McCoys. Yeah. Rick Derringer. Sloopy, hang on. Hang on, Sloopy. Yeah, I remember that. We got one more novelty song. Go ahead, Frankie.

This one, of course, is iconic. Oh, yeah. Oh. All right, you chipmunks, ready to sing your song? I have this album too David Seville Listen to those chipmunk 1958 Yeah Won three Grammys Listen to those chipmunk harmonies. 1958.

Yeah. Won three Grammys. It won three Grammys? Yes, it did. The late Ross Bagdasarian, also known as David Seville. Yeah, the chipmunk song. I remember that, too. I had that album, too. Yeah.

I like the chipmunks. I don't know why, though. Why did I? I mean, at least they're in tune. At least they're. But then they made that movie recently. Oh, that was painful. Horrible.

Awful. Horrible. I agree. They did two of them, didn't they? I guess so. Yeah. Did you listen to Christmas music as a kid? Oh, I couldn't avoid it.

Yeah. But this kind of stuff, like the kind of stuff that charted, like pop songs and novelty songs. I'd hear it. Well, I'd hear it all the time on the radio. You can't avoid it. Yeah. But this kind of stuff, like the kind of stuff that charted, like pop songs and novelty songs. Yeah, I remember I'd hear it. Well, I'd hear it all the time on the radio. You can't avoid it. Do you hate Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer as much as I do? Yes. Can I tell you one of my favorite recent Christmas albums?

It's Kelly Clarkson's. Oh, really? I heard that was good. It's brilliant. In fact, I opened with Wrapped in Red, which is one of the songs she does on the album, and it's actually the title song for my concert in Fort Lauderdale. And it's really produced brilliantly.

It's a lot of original stuff, and she does a rockin' version of Run, Run, Rudolph, and she does Blue Christmas, but then she does some original stuff. Well, Michael McDonald has a great Christmas album, too. I like rockin' around the Christmas tree myself. Oh, too. I like Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree myself. Oh, I love it.

Rockin' around the Christmas tree. That's a favorite. Later we'll have some fucking fun. I like that. That was Brenda Lee. Brenda Lee. More importantly, Kelly Clarkson's fat now, isn't she? She's heavy now.

Yeah, well, she had a baby. Yeah, but she's like, she goes up and down. But I think she's like, fuck it. This is what I look like. This is what we established. Kelly Clarkson's fat and Mariah Carey's out of her mind. Yes. Okay.

But Kelly Clarkson. Have a wonderful Christmas. Kelly Clarkson's got that voice. She's talented. I have a question. What about Bob Dylan's Christmas album? Have you ever heard that? Giga bitch.

Giga bitch. Giga bitch. But it's beautifully orchestrated, too. It's like there's a lot of. Yes, it's lush. It's lush. And then he's like, He came to the close. He came to the close.

He came to the close. He came to the close. It's so brutal. Do you hear what I hear? Apparently not. We're on the island of misfit toys. And a holy jolly Christmas. You used to do Dylan in your act.

Dylan having a conversation with Floyd the Barber. Oh, yeah, I still do. I never throw anything away. Don't throw it away. He still does it. Hello Floyd. Hello Floyd.

Howard McMeer. That's hilarious. Fantastic. The first time I ever saw him I fell madly in love with him. So we'll go out on this since this was music themed. I know you both know this one. Gilbert said make sure you give me the lyrics.

Mario will know them by heart. Pro that he is. And by the way, I'm doing a Christmas show with my husband at the cutting room. Your husband? God, you sound like a faggot or something. Shut the fuck up.

I eat pussy. I eat a lot of pussy. Look at my fucking mouth. It looks like a fucking glazed donut. Fuck you, Gilbert. Fuck you. Fuck you, fag. Why do you have to work blue at the holidays?

I've got to. My husband and I. my husband Sid Lofton and I. No, my husband Jerry Dixon and I. David Gash. My husband David Gash. Why do David's kisses seem filled with rainbow pride? The insanely talented Jerry. Jerry Dixon.

The three of us just had the pleasure of working together. We did. We wrote a great election song. We did. just, the three of us just had the pleasure of working together. We did. We wrote a great election song. We did. And then the three of us cried. And we, yeah, we wept. We sure did. We wept in the hallway.

That was such a weird night. That was a fun, that was a fun day. But we had, we were doing, yeah, the cutting room Sunday at 830. And what is the show? What happened? It's basically the holiday edition of the show that we did at Lincoln Center in February. It's just us singing and talking about our relationship. We don't really talk about the chronological order of our relationship.

Is Jerry the accompanist? No, we got a full band. You got a full band? Yeah, and it's just, you know. Sunday nights? Sunday night, the 18th. It's really good. Can I still get a ticket?

Yes. Oh, well, I think I will grab the missus. You should come. We will come. You should come. Can Gilbert come and join in on the Island of Misfit Toys? Yes, you can. Cuttingroom.com.

There are no comps. Fuck you. I have to pay for six tickets for my family. Cutting Room in here in Manhattan. Yes. And what else is coming up for you, Mr. Cantona? Perhaps another one-man show. Yeah, I'm working on it.

I think I'm going to try to go to Chicago with it first and then come in here maybe in the spring or the summer. Go to Chicago. Okay. And it's going to be huge. Believe me, it's huge. This will be up Thursday and we will tell our listeners that following this mini episode, we had the pleasure of having

Mario for a full episode, which will be up Monday. I would never even just accept a mini episode. I would feel slighted. I needed both. Never do that to you. So we're going to try. We're going to go out on this. All right. And I thought that maybe Tony Curtis and Ms. Betty Davis.

Okay. All right. After the stroke or before? I would insist on nothing less. All right. Maestroverterosa. Go ahead. I really can't stay.

But baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go away. But baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been been hoping you'd drop in. So very nice. I'll hold your hands like they're just like ice. My mother will start

to worry. Beautiful watch you're wearing. My father will be pacing the floor. Listen to the fireplace roar. So I really better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry. Well, maybe just a half a drink more. Put some rickets on while I pour.

The neighbors might think. Baby, it's cold outside. Say, what is in this drink? No camps to be had out there. I wish I knew how. Your eyes are like starlight now. Don't break this spell. I'll take your hat.

Your hair looks swell. I ought to say no, no, no, no. Mind if I move closer? At least I'm going to say I tried. What's the sense of hurting my pride? I really can't stay. Baby, don't hold out. Baby, it's cold outside.

Baby, it's cold outside. It really is My tits are very wet Wait, second verse I simply must go Baby, it's cold outside The answer is no Wait a minute

Oh, baby, it's cold outside. So nice and warm. Oh, look at the windows at the store. My sister will be suspicious. Gosh, your lips look delicious. My brother will be there at the door. Waves upon a tropical shore. My maiden aunt's mind is vicious.

Gosh, your lips are delicious. Well, maybe just a cigarette more. Gosh, your lips are delicious. Well, maybe just a cigarette more. I've got to get home. Never a blizzard before. But, baby, you'll freeze out there. Say, let me knock home. You really...

It's up to your knees out there. I'm on my knees. You really have to breath. I thrill when you touch my head. Oh, but don't you see? It's bound to be dark tomorrow. How can you do this thing to me? At least they'll be letting you live.

Think of my lifelong sorrow. I really can't stay. If you caught pneumonia and died. But, baby, it's cold. Get all the rails out. Baby, it's cold outside. Oh, my, you were ten lines behind. Totally and utterly unprofessional.

It was like working with Faye Dunaway again. Oh, shut up, you fucking bitch. Oh, you are. Don't you dare call me a bitch. Half of your face is paralyzed. Where is my mouth? I cannot find my mouth. Why do you still wear miniskirts?

It's disgusting. Patrick Kelly made this miniskirt for me. It has buttons all over it. Oh, yes. You weigh two and a half pounds now. Well, because I smoke, I don't eat potato chips and almond croissants like you do. You have skeletal legs. Yes, I do.

But the legs are the last to go. Mine are being amputated next week. I think the mini episode might be better. But you'll hear both. Mario, you're the best. Thank you, boys. I really appreciate it. Happy holidays.

Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Happy New Year. We'll see you at the cutting room. Cutting room Sunday night, me and Jerry doing our Christmas show. And me and Mario will be in dinner theater performing The Jew and the Fag. Oh, yes. And then in repertory with the man that came to dinner.

Well, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, Gilbert and Frank's amazing, colossal obsessions with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. He finally got his name above the title. Thank you, Frank Verderosa. Frank Verderosa, our engineer at Nutmeg. Two, three Italians and a Jew. This is the greatest thing.

Let's beat the crap out of them. Let's fucking kick his ass. And our guest was once again Mario Cantel. Thank you, boys. Good evening. I wish all of my listeners a very happy holiday. I'm Frank, Colossal Obsessions Colossal Obsessions