Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Christmas Spectacular with Mario Cantone Encore

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

GGACP celebrates the birthday of actor, comedian and beloved guest Mario Cantone (b. Dec 9) while also ushering in the Christmas season with this ENCORE of a classic holiday episode from 2018. In this episode, Mario and the boys weighs in on a stocking full of essential topics, including the fearlessness of Mae West, the tortured genius of Judy Garland, the most unappreciated Rankin-Bass special and the recent “Rudolph” and “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” controversies. Also, Leslie Nielsen tackles Mr. Magoo, Shelley Winters scales a Christmas tree, Marlon Brando hops a ride with Michael Jackson and Frosty pals around with John McGiver. PLUS: The Walt Disney of Christmas! Munchkins gone wild! Deconstructing “Moonstruck”! Gilbert remembers his favorite holiday toy! And Mario picks the worst Christmas song of all time! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. The following program is brought to you in living color on NBC. It's the Gilbert Gottfried Amazing Colossal Christmas Special. Join Gilbert and his special guests, Carol Channing, Herve Villaches, Charles Nelson Riley Host Stroke Betty Davis With Frank Santopadre and the Seth Saltzman Orchestra And special guest star Mario Cantone

Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. I'm here with my co-host Frank Santo Padre and our engineer, Frank Ferdorosa. Well, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and the man you've waited for all year long, no, not that fat-hacked Santa Claus, is back with us by popular demand. And boy, do we mean popular demand. Is it that popular? Yes.

Is it really? Yes, it is. I like hearing that. If it wasn't popular, I hope you'd had me anyway. Let him get through this. I never let him get through. He's a Tony nominated actor. I am. Yeah, that means you're heterosexual.

Yeah, that's exactly what it means. All Tony nominees are heterosexual. Yes, yes. They don't like the gays Broadway. You're a total pussy. Yeah, and you know it. That's the way to get pussy, is by going to the Tony Awards. I've been lying my whole life just to get laid, just to get pussy.

I'm like, I'm gay. No, we want you. I can't do it. I don't think I'll be able to get it up. And then swing, swing, it goes up up it goes in the vag and I get it He's a stand-up comedian well barely at this point Our recovered kiddie show host a pop culture historian a gourmet baker and one of the world's funniest most First-vital the entertain. Yes, I am versatile. Alive or dead. Yes. Alive or dead.

Oh God. Yes. Yes. You've seen him in nightclubs, on a Broadway, and an off-Broadway stage, in dozens of television shows and popular feature films. You may have heard him on this very podcast. Ask your dad if you're listening. A holiday fixture, one of our most requested and beloved guests.

Here he is, folks, straight from his command, private performance, Valais Moonfaz. They canceled my show because I wouldn't suck his dick! You wouldn't suck someone's dick? Not the Les Moon Ves! What do you think, homos? Just suck any dick you ever- I wouldn't suck your dick so go fuck yourself! You're starting this off really nicely!

You piece of shit! You Christmas fucking elf! Our very own elf on a shelf Mario Cantona I am an elf on a shelf! I apologize already for being rude to you and verbally and slightly sexually abusing you just now

You wouldn't suck my dick? No, I wouldn't suck your dick, I wouldn't suck anybody in this room's dick. I love you all but I'm not gonna do it Why? Because I married Gilbert Godfrey! Hold on, I hate to interrupt this, but we- this was gonna happen later So you're one of those queers who's so loyal? Gilbert, let me- I am loyal! I am loyal to the bone!

See, I always thought with the fags they'll fuck anything Gilbert- Well, we will- no, that's not true, we'll fuck- We are more discerning than you fucking head recessed with piece of shit, you will fuck anything with a slit! And I don't mean just on a woman, I mean anything, I mean see that, you see that wall right there, that soundboard that's put together in three pieces, you take that second and third piece, pull it apart and stick your dick in it you piece of shit

Gilbert I'm gonna interrupt because we have a special caller yes okay who is it? on the line did we lose him? oh well we lost him because of that alright well because we were talking about vagin yes I was trying to get to him faster well what are you gonna do maybe he'll call back

no I don't think so he was on a plane that was taking off how do you do a phone call with someone that's ready to take off on a plane? You're a horrible producer! Oh my god! I have never worked with such unprofessionals in my god damn life! If you were on a plane and the pilot said to you, I'm gonna crash into a mountain if you don't suck my dick. I would suck his dick!

But I would have fear of flying through the whole thing. Oh. It doesn't take that away. Did you hear about that kid that was on Grindr and he said the pilot was on Grindr too and he grinded him from the cockpit? And then meanwhile, they showed a picture of the pilot. This guy's like exposing the pilot,

telling him that he's grind. You're both on Grindr, so why are you making this public? Then the pilot is gorgeous! I'm like, what a fucking asshole this guy was! Not the pilot, but yeah the kid. Alright, continue. Just edit that out. Welcome back.

It's really nice to be here. Get off your cock sucking phone. Yes. I'm setting the timer. Oh, oh you are? Yes, I time the show. Oh well, I don't like it. Someone has to do it. I don't like timer. Don, you are? Yes, I time the show. Oh, well, I don't like that. Someone has to do it.

I don't like timer. Don't tell me to wrap it up. Let's go. Well, the caller who was going to call in has taken off on a plane. What would he have said? Had he called? He would have said, I'm going to Amsterdam to smoke lots of pot. Leave me alone.

No, you have to imagine the setting for just a minute. Yeah. He's on a plane about to take off, holding a phone on speaker with the conversation you guys were just having with a crowded airplane. Oh, I know. I know what it was going to be. It was Richard Kine. Yeah.

We were going to discuss that bullshit Mr. Magoo special. I'm emailing him to tell him he can chime back in once he's at altitude and he gets Wi-Fi okay great oh yeah let's talk him while he's up in the air so everybody that was on his plane just got to hear that dialogue which is amazing I think he was trying to cover the phone as fast as he could it's the friendly skies I'll say it's the friendly it's the filthy skies of United. We have to talk about the recent Rudolph controversy. Well first of all who's been saying it for years?

Yeah you have. I've been saying it since- Well I've been saying that too. That he was gay? What no. What? I always said what I hated about that story is that they were fucking pricks to Rudolph. Yes of course.

And then when they realize they can use him, then he's okay. That's the end of my big deal, but just keep stealing from me, Jim. To rise, rise, rise, and climb up the ladder. Yeah, you're right, that's the truth. I say that, I call Santa a fat fuck. He's a fat fuck, because you know what? He says to Donner, the coach, who's like, right, right, right, let's see Rudolph fly. He talks like he does.

He's like, right, right, come on kids, let's play a reindeer game. He does that. So when he takes off, Rudolph, and then he comes down and the hoof hits him and the nose is exposed like he got a heart on and in the shower in gym class. It's all symbolic. And then Santa says, that's too bad. He had a good takeoff too. And it's like, so he still didn't have a good takeoff

just because he likes, he's Rudolph the same sex reindeer? I mean, I don't understand why. And then at the end, yeah, he's brutal to him. Yeah. Awful. And then at the end, he's like Rudolph with your nose so bright. And I said, if I was Rudolph, I would have like,

you know what, Santa? You humiliated me my whole life. Crash and burn! In fact, fuck! Now, if Santa Claus said he'd bring you extra nice toys, would you blow him? No, I won't, because I'll buy my own toys. Let me tell you what's gonna be on my gravestone, Gilbert.

This would be on my gravestone. I can buy the whore. I can't be one. Gilbert, just because you'd blow Santa for some This would be on my gravestone. I can buy the whore. I can't be one. Gilbert, just because you'd blow Santa for some toys doesn't mean Mario. You know what? Gilbert would blow Santa for the fluffy towels at the Marriott motel that he stays in every time he fucking travels. You saw the document? Did you see the documentary? No, I can't bear it. I have not seen it yet because I don't want to see him treating himself like a piece of shit! Everywhere he goes! Why don't you book a fucking five star you piece of shit, you cheap bastard!

Oh, I'm having so much fun so far. Oh my god. Yes. What else? Wait a minute, Richard Kine is texting. He says, I'm on a crowded plane. All they can hear, the passengers could hear, was, Les Moonvest sucked my dick. I'd suck your dick. I said to a guy across the aisle, can you hear this? He replied, the guy in the bathroom at the back of the plane could hear this. I'm sorry guys, I had to hang up, I'm sorry, but Mario is still wrong. You tell that piece, you text him right now and you ask him one question,

did it get a laugh? Here's about that I wanted to pick up the phone again. Yeah He's on a plane I'm not wasting my time with that I told him that if he gets to altitude and there's Wi-Fi to join us again Okay Okay, let's see if he does. If he gets to altitude and the air masks drop, call back. You were way ahead of the curve on the Rudolph controversy for years. And now all of a sudden, you know,

I disagree with what they're saying, like that it's politically incorrect. Well, that it's about, you know, somehow it promotes bullying. No, it doesn't. They missed the point entirely. It doesn't promote bullying. That's all you care about is him.

And as a young homosexual, I related to it. Because the poor guy was bullied his whole life. I was bullied, but you know what? Let me tell you about bullying stories. I'll just go like this. Bool-hoo. Boo? Fucking who? Everybody get bullied. Boo-hoo.

Toughen up. Toughen up! It's 2018. Toughen up. Everyone's coming out of the closet. John Travolta and Tom Cruise are right behind ya. I promise it's gonna happen. Oh my god. I hope I can get through this show. I do too. Let's also just talk about something you and I talked about on the phone and it's current, which is the Baby It's Cold Outside controversy. Oh god, you know Yes. You know about this Oh, yes, I know can we can we play that we sang it the last we had the definitive version we really did Yeah, it's Betty Davis and

Did I retweeted it I really can't stay. But baby it's cold outside. I've got to go away. But baby it's cold outside. This evening has been. Been hoping you'd drop in. So very nice. I'll hold your hands like they're just like ice. My mother will start to worry.

You can watch her worry. My father will be pacing the floor. Listen to the fireplace roar. So I really better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry. Well maybe just a half a drink more. Put some rackets on my lifeboard. The name is my thing.

You threw off my rhythm so badly. He was so behind. This is in his drink. You're so in the pocket as they say. Jesus Christ. Your eyes are like starlight now. It's brilliant. All right. That's brilliant.

Thank you. One of our greatest hits. So that's a politically incorrect. That's committing a crime. Well, it's ridiculous. First of all, Frank Lesser wrote that song for his wife and they did it at parties. It wasn't even supposed to be. I mean, never intended to be published, right?

No, and either way, once it was, it's playful. People, it is such a sick time in this world and everything is being skewered, a silly thing like this. That's when people look really ridiculous and stupid. Stupid! Our friend Seth Saltzman is here too. They say it's predatory. Mm-hmm.

Mm, yeah, I don't think so. And so are you, but I still come here every year. I don't think so. I wanna introduce Seth who's here, Gilbert. Would you suck Frank Lester's dick? Yes, I would! Frank Lester! And as I did it, I would sing

if I were a bell from Guys and Dolls. Right! Another show where they drink dulce de leche down in Havana. They do. Yeah. So is that incorrect? Is that incorrect? I don't think so.

I don't know. Seth is here on Keyboards. I just want to ask Seth, too. You posted about Frank Lesser and about Baby It's Cold outside. Yes. And the idea that in the movie, after they became a great party song, they put it in the movie, after they became a great party song, they put it in the movie, thing wins an Academy Award, best song, 1949 from Neptune's Daughter.

And the great part of it, they keep showing on TV the part with Ricardo Montalban and Esther Williams. But the fun part is the second part with Rhett Skelton and Betty Garrett. They reverse the role. She won't let him out of the appointment. That's right. Well, see, they reverse it where Betty Garrett is predatory. She always played a predator, Betty Garrett.

She was a predator at Arm the Town too. Remember the song in the cab? Come out of my place, that song. She wouldn't let him out of the cab. Frank Sinatra, he was like dying. So it was banned. He was like, where's Ava Gardner? I can't fuck this chick.

The song was banned by radio stations in Cleveland and San Francisco Oh please Um, I found San Francisco? Yeah, can you believe that? Frank L? It's because she's drinking too much. I don't know. Yeah, but they did it, it's true, right? It was something they did at parties.

They never had any intentions. Yes. Isn't that what you posted? Yeah, and in the movie too, the Esther Williams character, you could see she clearly wants to stay in the lyrics or simply about, oh, what will my mother say? Because you can't just take it lyrically. You have to go to the origin of it,

how it was played, how it was meant to be played. You know, I mean, you know, if Bill Cosby and Janis Dickerson played it, sang it together, it would be a little different. Frank Lesser also wrote a song called The Secretary Is Not a Toy from... Oh, that's right. Right, so, I mean, he wrote songs,

and they were of their time, and... Everything is of its time. That's what we have to remember. Oh, my's right. Right. So I mean he wrote songs and they were of their time and Everything is of its time. That's what we have to remember. Oh my god what I saw something where they were doing a production of How to succeed in business and there was some song maybe it's there might have been that or about a girl singing that she has to have a guy in her life. And so they put in, they directed the other actors to make faces behind her to show that they disapprove of this attitude. Stupid. Yeah, that's good.

That'll fix it. Make faces. Make faces and, you know, put your thumb on your nose and that's a great idea. What have you been up to? Let's catch up with you briefly before we do all Christmas. I've just, I've been doing celebrity autobiography on Broadway, which has been very fun. Oh yeah, with Alec Baldwin and some other people.

Alec Baldwin, Tony Danza. It's been fun. I did that for three Mondays in a row. Whose biography did you? I do Kathleen Turner's. Guys, these are the, this is, I am fucking exhausted. I am really, I have to take the bus up and down Nice Avenue.

And everyone knows me, you know, the bus driver opens the door and says, Kathleen, you're looking good and I say, I feel terrific. I love that impression. Now, now she, she came out with that with that interview recently. Now she hates everybody. Well, yeah, I don't know about everybody. You certainly make very broad strokes, don't you? For statements like, Gilbert Gottfried. She hates everybody. She mentioned me, you, Frank. I'm so flattered. I think, well, she had, it was a great interview. Yes. It really was.

I love Kathleen Turner. I think she's one of the last of the great Broadway stars too. She'd be good for us here because she is a bit of a loose cannon. Oh God, you should absolutely have her here. She's like, Gilbert, shut up and let me speak. I can't get a word in edgewise. I wouldn't fuck you with your wife's dick. I wouldn't do it.

And you were on some game shows. I saw you on Match Game. Match Game, yeah. And you're doing that also with Alec Baldwin. You guys must be thick as thieves at this point. I love him. He's a big champion. Would you blow Alec Baldwin?

Yes, I would. Yeah. Okay. For actually no money. Okay. Not even a job. How about Billy? Billy Baldwin?

When he was in Sliver, but now no now what about that? Republican we don't have time when he was in threesome. Yes. Yeah, not now Oh, and who's the craziest Baldwin? I don't know him. I can't I can't say but you know, he does get a lot of press Did you see this too, Mario? This made me think of you and it's not actually Christmas related. There's a new book coming out about the Wizard of Oz called The Road to Oz. And what is this?

By Jay Scarfoni and William Stillman. They didn't like the yellow brick road because it smelled like urine. What's the problem? This is interesting. This was in the Daily Mail. So, you know, it must be true. Yeah. Wizard of Oz bosses, you know about this, worried that Judy Garland wasn't right for

Dorothy because of her large breasts and snaggletooth, this says. Fuck them, she's not Jewel. I know. I'm reading this because I know Gilbert will love it. The real problem was mean, drunk, and smelly munchkins. Yes, oh yeah, I know all about this. Two of them had to be bailed out for prostitution. Oh no, they put them with, Judy told a story about it.

She said that they put them all in a large house together. They, all the munchkins, and they had parties, and they would kick you in the shins and trash the whole house, and they would break tables and chairs, and they had to catch them with butterfly nets. Yes Chevy Chase was on the show because he did that Under the rainbow under the rainbow where he had the munchkins there a lot of the original munchkins and he said

They would grab the actors asses and they walk around farting. They liked farting. Yeah, they did. They were brutal. They were... Judy Garland, and you know who was originally supposed to play that role, would be Mayor of Charlotte Temple, which would have been, jump, we're over the rainbow. I can't picture it. I can't either.

Despite the fuss over Judy's appearance, the real issue during filming was with the little people, Gilbert, cast as munchkins. They were mean, they smelled from sweat as well as liquor and some engaged in prostitution. Gilbert was one of the ones that came out of the ad. He was. He was. And according to Hollywood legend, one of the munchkins hung himself and you could see him hanging from the tree.

Really? I can't imagine they didn't yell, CUT! And said, get him down before he finished the shot. Well, they were behind schedule. It's reasonable. Yeah, that was it. Yes.

They were behind schedule. The munchkins were unruly. Keep shooting. Yep, keep shooting. Did she have to wear a corset or something? Yeah, they- they- they- They put her in a contraption of some kind? They kind of taped down her breast.

And is that where she got really heavily into drugs? Where they were- had to put her in a contraption of some kind? They kind of taped down her breast. Is that where she got really heavily into drugs, where they had to put her to sleep and then wake her up? Well, she was conditioned. They conditioned Judy Garland. They put her to sleep with pills, and they woke her up. Because they gave her speed because they wanted her to lose weight. And that's why they had to give her a pill to go go to sleep and then give her a pill to wake her up.

Let me tell you something, she was a victim of all this shit. I mean, now it's like, you know. You look at people that are doing this today or even a couple of decades ago, it's like, you have to handle this yourself. I think with her, it was a different situation. What a hard worker though and a body of work.

She was the greatest thing. Now, did you see the newest Star is Born? Haven't seen it yet. No. All right, we won't talk about it. No, I liked it, but it's not, you know, Judy Garland. But it was good. It was very good.

I thought it was very good. Now, generally fags don't like Judy Garland, huh? Yes, we do, you big fucking whore. And we are proud of it. Proud of it! Okay, now do you like her better than Cher? Yes, oh yes. But I just saw the Cher Show.

Oh how was the Cher Show? It was magnificent. Much better than I thought it was going to be. I don't like a jukebox musical. This was so smart and so well done because they hang it. They hang the whole premise on telling her life story through a variety show, which she had in her and Sonny's. And what about Debbie Reynolds? I love Debbie Reynolds.

She died. Yes. Yeah, I loved her. I thought Debbie Reynolds was magnificent. Why are you asking me about Debbie Reynolds? No, I think fags like Debbie Reynolds. Yeah, but not as much as Judy Garland Gilbert do you like you do you like Debbie Reynolds no

Debbie Reynolds one time came over and said she was a fan of mine there you go really and And then after she died I thought I should have asked her to be on the podcast After she died, I thought I should have asked her to be on the podcast. Nice work. Wow, that was quick. He just lets them go like a slippery fish. No, she came over to me at some event and said she was a fan. Why would you not get her on the show? Gilbert!

Well, I wasn't doing the show at the time. Didn't Carrie Fisher tell you she was attracted to you, that you were her type? Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher said to me at a roast, she said you are just my type and I said what's your type and she goes little funny and cute. And well you know you do attract the mentally ill so it's a nice thing. It's a nice thing for you. How your wife is as sane as she is, I don't know. She is a saint.

The woman is gonna be canonized. Just book a Four Seasons once, just for your fucking wife. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's like and Jason Moore directed it. It's pretty great. I have to say I saw it to kill a mockingbird outstanding outstanding Outstanding I saw a network Brian Cranston gives the performance of a lifetime just electric Ah and and Waverly Gallery is amazing Elaine May is astounding. How was Elaine May at her age? Give her the Tony now. How is she getting up and doing a show every night in her 80s?

I don't know, she's 85. It's like when I saw Cicely Tyson in Trip to Bonifold and in the gin game, she was amazing. She was magnificent. Yeah. Wow. Brian's gonna get that Tony, Mr. Cranston. I'm sure he is.

And Elaine May's gonna get it. People are raving about it. Oh, it's astounding. It's unreal. But I remember from seeing you in Laugh-For-The, you were no fan of Moonstruck or Cher getting the Oscar for that role. No, no, because, and I watch it again.ounding. It's unreal. But I remember from seeing you in Laugh-For that you were no fan of Moonstruck or Cher getting the Oscar for that role. No, no, no, because I watch it again. I watch it again recently. I'm like, no, it's not

Italian enough. It's not, not that it's not Italian enough. It doesn't feel correct. It doesn't feel- Very few Italians involved. Well, Dani Aiello and Olivia Dukakis is Greek, but close enough, you know, she's magnificent in it. Nick Cage is fine. No. Gordina. Oh, Vincent Gordina.

Right. No, Vincent Gordina. Yeah, everybody else is a Jew or a Gentile or Irish Catholic. That doesn't matter to me. It's more her performance than I just think, no, I don't buy it. Sorry. I do love her, but I don't buy that performance. Is that why you said, stab me in the head?

Oh, I said, yeah. Cher has an Oscar. She won the Oscar. Yeah, I was like, put a knife in my temple right now. That's another one of those movies that the happy ending is that the guy who's dating hot looking young girls winds up with an old woman.

That's very popular in Hollywood. It really is popular. You know, those May, December romances. It's really not though, because that's an older guy and a younger girl. They never make a deal about that. Don't you remember moment by moment with Lily Tomlin and John Travolta? Oh my God!

Where she was older and he was young. Oh my God! And his name was Strip, Strip, Strip. She was calling him on the phone and crying, Strip, no I'm fine, I'm really okay. It was awesome, the worst movie ever. That was one of those nails in John Travolta's movie career before the comeback. He came back like most Scientologists do.

But the movies I'm talking about are like, what was the one, you know, Jack Nicholson and Deborah Winger? Jack Nicholson and Deborah Winger? Deborah Winger and Jack Nicholson? In terms of endearment? In terms of endearment. But they weren't a couple. No, but he was going out with hot young girls and then he winds up with Shirley MacLaine, who's closer to his age, and that's the happy Hollywood ending.

It is. Well, that's appropriate. That's right. Well, something's got to give then. The same plot where he's dating a man to Pete, but he winds up with Diane Keaton. Yes! Same plot. It's a fun movie. It Keaton. Oh, yes! Same thing. Same formula. It's a fun movie. It really is. All right. I'm bored. Okay, well we were talking to Mario Cantone.

I gotta go. About sucking cock. Yeah, that's right. Would you guys like to try to guess some Christmas singers? Yes, I do. Okay, this will be fun. We'll stump you. We did it last year. we'll bring it back.

We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast, but first a word from our sponsor. Frankie, what do you got? Let's start in order. Some of them are easy, some of them are hard. There's five of them are easy, some of them are hard. There's five of them. ["Jerry Loose"] It was a day after Christmas, and all I could think about were those

jerry loose- Yeah, no shit. Yep, yep, yep. Okay, that was a waste of time, Frank. Ha ha ha. We're just doing, we're doing obscure, unheard of Christmas songs. I knew you were gonna get Jerry, but they get harder. Wow!

Do you know this skill? No! Wow. Do you know it, Seth? No, but I had a backstage experience with Jerry about six months before he passed away. It was ugly. Oh, what? It was at the St. George Theater. Jerry was doing his one-man show

just in the last year before he passed away. And he sat on the middle of the stage, he was telling jokes, showing film clips, talking about the movies, telling some really bad jokes. It was an uncomfortable night because he just was not in great shape already. And the show was supposed to go about two hours, an hour in Jerry. I think they were up to like Cinderfella era.

Not all the way through his career. And Jerry said, we're done. Good night. Everybody like the show's over. They're about 50 minutes with my friend, John, we were going to go backstage and say hi, but we go back to the stage door and dishers are flying things are being broken backstage in the room and he poor Jerry is going out of his mind to the moment like I gotta meet somebody else I gotta meet another

person it was oh so sad so sad so we did not go backstage not the good Jerry we didn't know we saw the good side of Jerry yeah Well I did that every night backstage at Laugh Horror. I threw dishes. I said I gotta meet another cocksucker, I can't do it! That's exactly what was going on back there. I bet. Oh well, no. Oh, poor guy.

Well I met him once. He was nice. He didn't like the homosexual though. Is that true? I don't think he did. Interesting. No. I mean it could be wrong, but I don't think he did.

And no Gilbert, I wouldn't suck his dick. Yeah Why won't you suck my cover of Ivan? Because it's the name of it is too long. Yeah Gilbert you don't know this song. I had a very Merry Christmas by Jerry. I knew you'd know the voice I was trying to stump you with the song. Okay, this one's a little harder. Okay, the second one. I'm not looking at the screen Not that hard. Don't look at the screen The Partridge Family. No. Mario will get it. Sure. Put the loot in the boot, Santa, you gotta be good to me. Ah, yeah! It's Mae West! Very good! Oh! Very good.

Who is this? Mae West! Oh! Oh, Frankie and Johnny! Had you ever heard this one? No, I haven't. It's from Mae West. Mae West had a Christmas album called Wild Christmas.

Oh. Seth, you don't know it either. No, no. This is new to me. These are deep dives. We're going to No, no, this is new to me. These are deep dives. We're gonna have to go get this on the way out. She had a Christmas album in 1966, Wild Christmas.

Wow. You got that fast. Oh, I knew it was her right away. Oh, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Oh, yeah. Got a very shiny nose. Oh, you're tickling me. Oh, oh, let's do Silent Night.

Silent Night, Holy Night. Oh, it wasn't too sound for too long yeah I love her let me get through a couple of these Gilbert this one's for you yes see if you know who's singing or if you know the song you might know the song I want the hippopotamus for Christmas I want the hippopotamus for Christmas. A hippopotamus is all I want. Don't want a doll, no dinky pinker toy.

I want the hippopotamus to play with and enjoy. I want the hippopotamus for Christmas. I don't think Santa Claus will mind me. He won't mind me. Let's narrow it down. What do you think, Gil? Well, yeah, did you? Hahahaha! Seth has a guess. Alan Sherman? No.

You have a guess? I saw the screen, so I can't. But I wouldn't have known. Gil, it's The Three Stooges. Oh my god! Oh, so that's what Curly Joe Derita... Curly Joe Derita! Wow. Yeah. Oh, Curly Joe Dorita. Curly Joe Dorita. Wow. Yeah. Oh, Curly Joe.

From 1953, the song was written in 1953. He was really gay. Wasn't he? I don't know. Well, kind of. He was like, stop it. He did like a lot. Oh, that's Joe Besser.

Oh, all right. He played stinky. Yeah, stinky. I don't remember anything. A song written in 1953, a Billboard hit for somebody called Gayla Peevy. Does that mean anything to you? Gayla Peevy? Yeah, she and...

It was her greatest hits record. It's been covered by Leanne Rimes, the Captain in Tineel, and Captain Kangaroo. Do you know, I think... And that's the Three Stooges version. And I think I've even heard it before. You have? Yeah. But not that much.

It makes sense that, you know, Captain Kangaroo did it, but Captain in Tineel, that is from which feel? Yes, and the Captain Kangaroo in T but Captain and Tenille that is yes and the Captain Kangaroo and Tenille which was a very failed. Stu just had some nice harmony that they did. Okay here's another one I can't look don't look this is from 1953 it's over there it's reflecting in the glass I'm seeing it all over this is like a nightmare It's reflecting in the glass. I'm seeing it all over. It's like a nightmare Guy who did Donald duck nope In Clarence Nash

Not Danny Kaye is it Mickey cats nope good guess Oh yes, all this candy's free. Not Danny K, is it? No. What a happy Christmas party. Mickey Katz? Nope. Good guess. What a merry Christmas tree. It's called Yadda's Is and Christmas Tree. Mel Brooks. Okay. Close. It's Mel Blank.

Oh! Aren't you just gonna- Once you said that one. Yes. That one. Yes. I could not find any research on this. I don't know why this exists. So I'm gonna throw this out to our listeners.

If you know anything about this Mel Blanc Christmas song, contact us on social media. Now this last one is sung by somebody who was here recently, Gil. There's your hint. Somebody who was in this room and on this show. And I'll be surprised if you know this one. I'm going to put some glue. Not Diane Ladd. No. No. Dick Van Dyke? No. Recently. Terry Ayala.

Pat Cooper. I'm glazing over. Does this, do you know anything? Does this ring a bell? Oh wait, is this, is this, um, the Impressionist? Nope, it's Joel Grey. Holy shit. Oh, speak of the Mickey Cats. No, it's, it's about, it's a novelty song about a budding serial killer

who devises an elaborate scheme to trap Santa Claus. Okay. Mickey Cat's son. From 1955. Yes, you guessed Mickey Cat's before. So that was the origin of Nightmare Before Christmas, basically. Yeah. What do you think of that Rankin-Bass one with Joel Grey?

It's cute. It's alright. You know, it's not stop action. It's all... They're 2D stuff I don't love as much. Yeah. Like Frosty pisses me off. Yeah and you were friends with with Jules Bass. I was friends with him. We were talking about him before we put the mics on. I met him at my gym and he was he's this fit like amazing man he's adorable he's just I flipped out I was like I gave him my my copy of my special Laugh-Or,

and he loved it and called me up, and he's just a sweet guy. And I've spent some Christmas parties with him. And I remember saying to him, you know, on the DVD extras, you're not on there. Why, they're interviewing Arthur Rankin Jr., and you're not being interviewed. He's like, I'm not doing that crap anymore.

I said, Jules, I said, you look so much better now. You had that Jufro before. You look terrible. I said, they show pictures of you. I said, now you're like, you look so great. You need to speak on these DVD extras so people don't think you're dead. He didn't listen to me, but I haven't spoken to him in a long time. He's a bit of a recluse, isn't he?

He doesn't give interviews. Yeah, he doesn't. Yeah, he doesn't. He doesn't listen to me. But I haven't spoken to him in a long time. He's a bit of a recluse, isn't he? I don't know. He doesn't give interviews? Yeah, he doesn't. Yeah, he doesn't. He doesn't. He's the Walt Disney of Christmas! Yeah. Yeah.

Speaking of Rankin' Bass, we talked about this last time, but I found this and I thought you would find this interesting. Last time we talked, we did a ranking of Rankin' Bass cartoons. Oh, okay. And you were not happy with the... We did a ranking of Christmas movies that pissed me off. We did a Rankin' Bass one and then we did we ranked the Christmas Carol versions and that pissed you off. Yeah. I want to get your take on this and I'm only gonna read five. All right. I'm only gonna read the top five and I know

Gilbert know Gilbert you know some of these too. Yeah, this is in sci-fi wire magazine And this is the they ranked the rankin bass specials let me get to it and No, I'll do the top ten because we'll go fast. Okay number ten. They picked Jack Frost It's not bad with Buddy Hackett and Larry Storch. Do you buddy hack it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh Well, my favorite line. Look, it's Jack Frost. Hi, it's Jack Frost.

Oh, boy. I can't believe I'm meeting Jack Frost. That's very funny. We had Buddy Hackett's son on the show a couple of weeks ago. And he did not approve of Gilbert's buddy hack it impression Well, you don't do it in front of them. You do it behind their back What's wrong with you and and of course we brought up buddy hack it what I have to do in every other podcast is the famous death scene

From go for it Lou. Oh god where oh, yeah, and so Lucasstello buddy hack it as Lucasstello's dying Artie Johnson comes in as his agent and sneaks him under his jacket a strawberry malted and Buddy Hackett takes a sip and very weakly goes No, I think I had a lot of strawberry maltese in my day but this one's the best. And then it closes the ice ball. It dies. It's not how Ludwig Ostellodad died. Wonderful. You seen it? It's terrible. No I I can't. It's terrible. Okay, number nine, they picked Rudolph's Shining New Year.

It's all right. It's basically Dumbo. Technically not a Christmas special. The baby new year has the big ears. It's all the same shit. Yeah, Frank Gorshin's in that one, Red Skelton. Yep. You know who's still alive, by the way, speaking of Maury Laws, who was the animator.

Oh, he is, right? He's alive at 95. He wrote the music. Jules wrote the lyrics. How about that? Not for Rudolph, that was mostly Johnny Marks. But for the rest of them, it was, he's still alive. 95.

Romeo Muller died a while ago. I think Romeo Muller died. Here's number eight that they ranked, The Stingiest Man in Town. That's the Christmas Carol version. You don't care for it. No, it's not that great. It's okay, it's good. That's the Christmas Carol version. You don't care for it. No, it's not that great. It's okay, it's good.

With Mathal? Yeah, with Walter Mathal. That's the best thing about it. And Theodore Bacal, Gilbert, your favorite. Oh my god! Can't get juier than that! No. Oh, I gotta watch that one now.

They say the most memorable thing about that one is the ghosts that haunts Scrooge are capable of being seriously creepy Even in the exaggerated rankin bass style. Well, it's 2d How about number seven, uh The first Christmas the story of the first Christmas snow that's a good 1975 Angela Lansbury and Cyril recharge. It's good. It's actually very good with the nun There's a nun in it, but she didn't a blind shepherd boy Yes, and but this nun did it. And a blind shepherd boy.

Yes, but this nun did not imbezzle $500,000 and gamble it in Vegas. Did you hear about them? No! Oh, the two nuns. No, I didn't hear about it. And one of them looked like a cousin of mine. I'm like, oh my God, it's my cousin Jeannie! Number six they picked, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. I don't know this one. I know that one. It's good. It's like another version of Santa Claus is coming to town But it's a little more kind of the tone of it's a little more serious and largely unknown

for Drake on this list for Drake, huh, do you have a Santa Claus versus the Martians? No, that's not But you can talk about that if you like when I get through with this. Yes, you know, why don't you go home and we'll finish this. Go ahead. God, go ahead. Okay quickly, number five, Santa Claus is coming to town. It's great.

It's great. With Mickey, with Keenan Wynn as the winter warlock. Yeah, he's magnificent. Love that one. And all those kids, my husband hates that because he can't stand all the kids. My husband Jerry, when all the kids are like, when Fred Astaire is telling the story and the kids are all like all together they're like, oh that's how Santa came down the chimney. Oh that's how his reindeer learned how to fly. Great performance by Paul Fries by the way in that one. As the Oh, that's how it's raining out of life.

Great performance by Paul Fries, by the way, as the Burger Meister. Burger Meister, Meister Burger. I love this sidekick who's really gay. He's like, Burger Meister, Meister Burger. We found toys on the sidewalk. He's like a Franklin Bang born in Rankin' Bass. Number four, I know how you feel about Frosty. Number four, Frosty the Snowman.

Yeah. Well, first of all, he takes that little girl into the greenhouse at the end and gets all hot and melt. He's a pedophile. That's all there is to it. Happy birthday! Get the right holiday, all right? You piece of shit.

I found out Jackie Vernon's Italian. I don't like him. Yeah. Yeah. What's his real name? Ver-o-n. Ver-o-n. Ver-o-n. How about that? There was another controversy with the songs about everything buddy getting crazy about the holiday songs frosty to snowman

Smoking a pipe around the kids the whole smoke around a pipe the kids could deal with it So they get a little secondhand smoke Jackie Vernon not as bad as him being accused of being a better Jackie wearing any pants The voice of God. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah, but he doesn't have a dick, so it doesn't matter. For years, Jackie Vernon did that thing with the clicker.

Yes, sure. Here are some slides from my vacation. Who else does Jackie Vernon? Here we are being led around the quicksand. Here's a bunch of hats and ropes and things. And then the sequel to that was Frosty's Winter Wonderland where his wife is Shelly Winters, you know. Right.

Oh! She's like, oh, Santa! Oh, Santa! Look at me! I don't want to be- I'm so hot! I need to get into a freezer! See, now I imagine fags love Shelly Winters. We love Shelly Winters.

What is the connection there? Because she's one of those women. It's a camp thing in a way. Wild, fat, annoying. Boy, you ever watch her in A Place in the Sun with Montgomery Clifton? Liz Taylor is so beautiful. And then Shelly Wynter is when she's like begging him. Talk about baby it's cold outside.

She's like, you don't like me. I love you, George. I'm pregnant, George. You don't like me. him talk about baby it's cold outside she's like you know I mean it's just first time I ever saw you do stand up what was that movie with Shelley Winters and John Garfield I don't know I love John Garfield too I don't know we'll have to ask the booth it wasn't the postman always rings twice maybe Oh, you got me stumped. I don't know. I love John Garfield too. I don't know. We'll have to ask the booth. It was in the postman always rings twice. If Dara's out there, maybe Dara can find that.

First time I ever saw you do stand up at Carolines in the early 90s, you did the Poseidon adventure bit. Yeah, I did. Oh, when she was climbing up the tree and all. Yeah, really funny. Mrs. Peter Pan, I'm not. Okay. And you did it at Laugh-For too.

I did. I did do it at Laugh-For. Number three, Twas the Night Before Christmas. No. No. You don't like that one. That's all Joe Gray and George Goebel. Yeah, next.

And Gilbert John MacGyver. Oh my God. What does everything must be done according to schedule? We will have no slackers in this organization. Because everything must be done according to schedule. We will have those slackers in this organization. Everything must be done as soon as possible. Who else, Mario, does Jackie Vernon and can slip into John MacGyver? Only him.

And this is Jackie Vernon and John MacGyver. Only him. Only him. But, and this is Jackie Verdin and John MacGyver. Oh God. In a Mice and Men. Oh God. Tell me about the rabbits, George. Well, I could have a farm with rabbits on it. And I get to tend to the rabbits, don't I, George? Yes, and if we have friends we say stay

Gilbert put that in the act Number two in their ranking what the hell do they know Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer? Okay? Yeah, 1960 and what's number one? I'm dying now They say that Yukon Cornelius is the best They say that Yukon Cornelius is the best, rank and best character ever created. He's a bear. He's a bear. He's a bear. He's got a little chihuahua and a poodle. He's a big gay bear. He's like a guy in Chelsea. Just a big muscular guy, walking little dogs. I mean, that's what he is. And the one they love the best is...

It better be the little drummer boy. It's the year without a Santa Claus. First of all, let me tell you something about that special. The heat miser and the snow miser, they're fantastic. But it's really not a great special. It's kind of boring. You mean to tell me the Little Drummer Boy is not on those... I'll find the ranking. I just did this because I knew it was going to piss you off.

And it's Romeo Muller's favorite one too. You know, Little Drummer Boy, he's this little Jewish kid and the... Oh my God, don't make me cry. Um... Nice. They have... they... they... They do the flashback at the beginning where the mother and father are murdered by the desert bandits. Oh!

The desert bandits come in and they cut, you know, because it's the whole... It's the Middle Eastern conflict in a rank and vast special. They kill the mother and father, they stab the mother with a... They throw a knife at the father, it goes right in him because he's a puppet. He's wood, so it stuck really well. And then they burn the house and the mother and father they stab the mother with they throw a knife at the father it goes right in him because he's a Puppet he's wood so yeah really well And then they burn the house and the mother and they went up in flames because they're puppets they made a wood so And then he goes off and he's so pissed off and angry and he's got this magical drum that his mother and father gave him

And he's got this lamb and this camel and the sheep Lamb it was a lamb a camel and what's the other one? Oh my god, I can't believe I can't remember it. It's not a frog. But anyway, he's yelling at them to dance. He's like, dance faster, Sasha, dance faster. And he's really angry at the little lamb. He's like, you could do better. He's brutal. He's so angry. Even when he sees Jesus, he does not smile. He's like, fuck this shit. dead make it middle make it alive and then he then Jesus makes it's 50 years old this year a little drummer boy 1968 okay so now you're gonna get very pissed off because they rank that as 19th out of 19 you know what they can suck my drummer boy dick

And Greg Arson was the narrator, and the little drama boy hated people, all people. He was a miserable little bastard, he really was. But he saw the great shining star. Then he was wrong, as anyone was ever wrong Okay, so I'm called one star yeah, yeah, yeah, so that's you that's you think that should be number one And they put it in 19. Well, what's this magazine? It's called sci-fi wire What is a sci-fi magazine know about fucking rankin bass specials? It's not sci-fi I'll give you their names. I'll call them.

Let's try something. Alright, what are we doing? Okay, here we go. Oh god, here we go. Scripts. You know what this is. I love a script. Oh god. Okay. Okay, so we're gonna, so the parts are marked. Okay.

What do you think, Gil? Let's do it. Oh god, please try to stay in tempo. There's not a chance, this will be impossible. This will the song. Peace. Silent night, holy night, Shepherds quake at the sight, Glories stream from heaven afar, Heavenly hosts sing hallelujah!

Christ the Savior is born! Christ the Savior is born! Silence night, holy night, son of God, all lost pure light. Radiant beams from thy holy face, with the dawn of redeeming grace. Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth. Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth. That was quite good, Groucho. I really enjoyed singing with you.

You were wonderful. You could do that in your sleep. In fact. You, you could do that in your sleep. In fact, I think you did do that in your sleep. I've always loved Christmas. I mean, yes, it's lovely. What's the magic word today? So I think it's Parkinson's. Is it really?

I don't have Parkinson's. That's a rumor, and that's not you. And I find that very offensive. Because... Groucho. I don't know if I'm having a stroke or if you're shaking more than usual. Well, I'm shaking because it's just something that's hereditary. It's in my family, my mother before her, my mother's mother's mother's mother's mother before her

and my father's father before him had a breaking disease. Is there an earthquake happening right now? That's having a hard attack. That was fun. That was a good one, Frank. That was beautiful. I enjoyed that one. Come on.

I worked to please you. And Gilbert actually kind of stayed in time. Well, I picked a slow one. It was right on. I don't think he knows the tune. Gilbert, you do know Silent Night, don't think he knows the tune. You do know Silent Night, don't you? His musical skills are just unparalleled.

What was the bit you used to do about Michael Jackson and Katharine Hepburn? Where he would do all the work on himself and she would become... Michael, oh yeah, because he did his nose. Michael, look at yourself. What did you do? What did you do? Because they were friends at one time. Michael, what did you do to your nose? What did you do?

Your nose looks like a vagina! Now, I heard that Catherine Hepburn... I couldn't even remember that. Oh my God. Which really is not a surprise once you think about it. It was a major dive. Absolutely. Supposedly Spencer Tracy was either bisexual or gay. They supposedly really didn't have sex. If you read Scotty Bauer's book, full service, Katie would say, Scottie, I need some pussy tonight. Now get me someone. I call him right up.

Now you heard that story. It's probably not true, but it should be. The one where Michael Jackson, Marlon Brando, and Elizabeth Taylor tried to escape the country. Do you want to know? I saw them the night before they supposedly, that supposedly happened. It was September 10th, 2001. I was in the audience.

And Brando wasn't on stage that night, but he was in New York. He just didn't do the second night. But yeah, they supposedly got in a car together and had to, because they were there for 9-11, so they had to like get in a car. I don't know if that's true or not. And then they did a, they did a series about it in England. And Joe Fines, Joseph Fines, Ray Fines' brother, played Michael Jackson and there was a big, big thing about it.

People were not happy about it. And I think Stocker Channing played Elizabeth Taylor. I want to see it so bad. Because I love Stocker Channing too. Who was Brando? I don't know. It wasn't me. It should have been. I don't know. It wasn't me. It should have been. I don't know who it was. The three of them in the car is like, Liz,

you're too fat. There's not enough room for the three of us. Michael, Michael, Michael, please. Could you put the chimp in the trunk? Because I can't, he smells. Oh, did you hear that Marlon Brando fucked Richard Pryor in the ass? Yeah, who said that? Quincy Jones. Quincy Jones. Quincy Jones said it. Yeah.

I don't know who fucked who in the ass, but I know the headset. Well, I like to think of it as Marlon Brando was 800 pounds on top. Yeah, he's the top. So you think Pryor was the bottom, is what you're saying? And Brando was the top? Yes.

Yeah, okay, well. God, he got so fat, what happened? Used to do that bit too about him in the witness stand with the Christian Brando trial. Oh my God, he was like Humpty Brando on the stand. Remember when his son had the murder? Yes. He's my son's a good kid, he really is.

He didn't mean to do it. It's my fault. I was a bad father. It's the court's tenagraph. I'm gonna eat that blueberry muffin because I'm starving. It was a son, Michael, and I had it killed because this Sicilian thing has got to stop. You want to answer a couple of questions from listeners? Sure. Who want to know things? See, I like Godfather 2 better than Godfather 1. Oh, it's better.

They're both great, but yes it is. Well, De Niro is stunning. Stunning! Alright, what are the questions? From Robert Martin, hey Mario, if you could bring one Rankin' Bass special to the stage, which one would you pick and which part would you choose for yourself? Well, I'm too old for all of them at this point in my career. But I would bring the little drummer boy.

You would? Well, they would never have, they don't play it anymore because they think it's racist because it portrays Arabs as terrorists. So that's a whole other thing too. So they don't play it anymore. And they're the desert bandits. That's what you know. They don't say it, but you know what it is. What part would you like to play? I would play... Brandon.

I guess I'd have to play the José Ferrer part, Ben Harriman. I didn't know José Ferrer married Rosemary Clooney twice. Why? Did you know that? No. Twice? Yeah. They broke up and they married again? Yeah. I found that out while researching her while I was watching White Christmas. What is wrong with people? Jason Grissom, what in Mario's opinion is the single worst Christmas song ever recorded? Well, the Razzleberry Christ's, the Razzleberry, I hate that song. Could I have a Christmas tree with Razzleberry dressing? A little Razzleberry would be nice.

Stop it! You're picking up the slack for Richard? And I'm going to tell you something right now. Julie Stein must have been drunk when you wrote that score. Well first of all, fuck you, I love the Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol. Don't let me get it out of there! I'm coming across the table! It's good to be back on Broadway!

That song's awful! I'm burned, burned, burned! Now we have a Christmas tree to go down in. You're torturing me. Thank you, Frank. Some waffle jelly, take perhaps a slice. And wood on the fire. I hate that little kid, that balding little fuck. A waffle jelly is a tree.

Ugh, wipe your mouth. Oh, shut up. Why, I'm all alone in the world. Oh please! That's the worst. You're torturing him, you're torturing him. Eee eee eee eee eee. Nobody wants him, poor lad.

Oh poor lonely child, poor lonely child. Is that supposed to be singing? When you're alone, alone in the world When you're alone in the world This song's not too bad Not a bad song Blown away leaves get blown Somebody give Mario a tissue

Okay, so Razzleberry Dressing is your answer Yeah, and I hate the opening I'm back, back, back, back, back on Broadway. That's the worst. I'm going to watch it again just so I can see it again and go am I wrong or am I right? And next year I'll let you know. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal podcast after this. What? okay, did I see what? Did you see the Leslie Nielsen live action Mr. Magoo? Oh my god, oh my god. I didn't even know that existed. Sure. And you know how they'll take a review and they'll chop it up, a bad review, you know like they'll say, like if the review said,

Al Pacino was great in The Godfather, but in this, he's awful. They'll go, Al Pacino was great. So in here, the only review they're able to chop up is in one word, they go slapstick New York Times That's it. Yes I don't remember that was that the 90s. Oh, oh my god. Wow poor Leslie Nielsen Okay, this one's for you Gil from Beth Howley Gilbert

Was there ever a toy you wanted badly and asked for for Hanukkah and Also, did you miss not having a Christmas? ah Let's see that will I I knew as a kid this idea of like big toy big Expensive toys we weren't gonna get it's just like I knew there were products, name products that were never in the house. But your parents got you the Aurora models and some of the monster stuff. The Aurora, I love the Aurora models,

the Aurora monster models. Did your dad sell those in the hardware store? Yeah, he would sell them sometimes. Most of the time they'd buy them from another place. They were monster models? Yeah, Aurora models. You don't know that? They were very famous.

How was you busy collecting Disney ceramics? Yeah. Oh, the Aurora monster models? Yeah, Aurora models. You don't know that? I was too busy collecting Disney ceramics. Yes. Oh, the Aurora monster models. They had Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman. King Kong. And one time my mother, I guess it was like two for one kind of thing, they were taped together. There was the Bride of Frankenstein

and another one called the Witch, and they were alike together, yeah. What witch was it, that's vague, what witch was it? Was it Margaret Hamilton? It was just a witch. Just a witch. The witch, the generic witch. Oh, all right.

Generic witch. Did you have a toy that you wanted desperately as a child for Christmas? First of all, I had one of those little organs that had the cord buttons on the side, and I never learned to play the organ. I don't know why I got it and why, I was a spoiled brat. You know one of those like bad organs

that you press the chord buttons on the side. I had one of those, I just like Disney things. I like Disney ceramics, I like Disney books. You still collect that stuff, don't you? No, don't embarrass me. Okay. Shut up, don't reveal my secrets, Frank. But I like-

I've seen them in your house. I love Christopher Finch's big The Art of Walt Disney book. It's a great book. I mean, I love that. I loved Leonard Maltin's The Disney Films. That's a great book. It's wonderful. I like stuff like that.

Like, toys? No. You weren't a toy kid. Yeah, I guess not. Yeah, I guess I was. I mean- I like the model. Oh, I like the Fisher-Price Castle. Yeah, yes, not yeah, I guess I was I mean I like the model Oh, I like the Fisher price castle And the Fisher price they don't make them anymore and the Fisher price village with the ice like animated stop-action movies with my I had

A technicolor eight millimeter camera, and I had all these films I did and I did the Poseidon adventure in my backyard And I made the kid jump off the upside down table from the top of my porch. I could have been arrested. And they had to catch her. Like remember Pamela Sue Martin? Sure.

Jumped and they caught her in the tablecloth. The kids caught the girl. I mean, I can't believe it. And then I had a little boat in my pool and I would throw a big bucket of water over it so it tipped over. I had to do like several takes. You glued the furniture to the ceiling and. Oh yeah. Oh, it was in the backyard. it was under open sky, it was a bad set.

This is proof of a total faggot that as a kid you're enacting the Poseidonism. That's right I am, there you go, you sit there with your point, I proved your point. Shelley Winters right there. I had Leanne play Shelley Winters. She was magnificent. See? He's right. Hilarious. I know Gilbert's been in the-

I know someone's going to probably tweet me the witch. Oh, I'm sure they are. The picture of the witch. I want to see it. Yeah. This is from Sean Lue. Gilbert, I know you've been in a few Christmas related projects. You're in that what? Buddy the Elf's Christmas?

Buddy the Elf. With Ed Asner. Oh, and that one, Mandy, something and Mandy, Evil Christmas. Oh yeah, I know, I know. Billy and Mandy's Christmas. Billy and Mandy's Safe Christmas. Very good, Seth. You've done a lot of things that are just under the wire and unknown.

A lot of crap. Wait, I like the elf special, Buddy the Elf. It's based on this Broadway show, right? Yes. Matthew Sklar wrote that, who wrote The Prom, which is on Broadway right now, and it's fantastic. So Sean wants to know, Mario, if you've been in any TV-related TV shows or films.

I was in- Christmas-related. Oh, yes, I was. I was in one that was on Lifetime last year that they're repeating a lot. It's called A Very Merry Toy Store. Oh. And I'll stop there. Oh.

Yeah. Who's in it? Melissa Joan Hart. Oh good. Mario Lopez, who I adore. And Melissa, she's terrific. She, her mother directed it, Paula. Billy Gardel, who was terrific in it.

It was a fun shoot. We had a really good time. I played the mayor of New Britain, Connecticut. I was insane by the Bell wedding in Vegas. Well, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard. Very good. What does that have to do with Christmas? Because Mario Lopez.

I love Mario. You both worked with Mario Lopez. Leslie Alves wants to know, Mario, what does Liza think of your impersonation of her? And has she ever commented on your Judy Garland? Yeah, she doesn't like that I do Judy Garland. Because she just doesn't. She doesn't like when anybody reveres or makes fun of her mother. And I don't make fun of her mother.

That's what she said. It's a tribute. She said she doesn't like that I make fun of her mother. I said the last thing I do is make fun of your mother. I put her on a pedestal, I love her, I think she's great. Liza, I think she's okay with me doing her. But you know, she does have a sense of humor. I was on an airplane with Liza Minnelli.

How was that? She was sitting with some black woman who I guess was her helper or something. And when the plane landed a bag fell and hit the black woman on the head to which Liza Minnelli was laughing uncontrollably. It fell on your head. Look at it, you have a bruise now. It's so funny. Life is a cavalry, oh, come to the cavalry.

I think we need a musical accompaniment on every episode. It brings a lot. I've been asking for this for years. I've never seen that scene acted understand. It brings a lot. I've been asking for this for years. Took them four fucking years. I've never seen that scene acted out. Great. You tell a story and it comes to life. And they were playing cabaret.

I bet they were. If they landed in New York, they were probably playing New York, New York. And they were probably playing Frank Sinatra's version, which infuriates her. Oh, she doesn't like Frank Sinatra's version. Well, guess what? Her song. Is it the Mets are the Yankees? I forget. One of the two, one of the New York...

It's the Yankees. When the Yankees lose, when they win, they play Frank Sinatra's New York, New York. When they lose, they play mine. I find that really offensive. I really do. I think it's so offensive. Hey, can you do Judy Garland toward the very end singing the man who got away?

Wait, I'm going to not do that because I'm going to sing her at the very end doing the last song she ever did on Johnny Carson. Oh, well, Bill do it, Gil. Bill! Doesn't he know the program? He keeps everything away. Not a chance. He didn't even know Richard Klein was on the phone. His middle name is Spoiler Alert. Last one. Gilbert, this is for you. Karen Rossio. Gilbert, why isn't there a Hanukkah song other than Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song?

Or a good Hanukkah movie and would you star in one if the price was right? Yeah, if the price was wrong. Price was right. He starred if the price was wrong, they'd star in it. He'd star in a snuff film. Oh my god. He'd do a snuff film for $2.50 a week, and I'm talking $2.50. If they had free lunch, that would be enough for me to do a movie. And they could put him up in a Motel 6, and it'd just be fine.

OK, we'll do a little more music. Oh one you're gonna have to work a little harder. Give it. Okay, Gil. Oh, geez. Gil, yours are in red, Mario's are in black. You know why? Because my husband is black. That's not. No, not true. I love my husband. I miss him. He's in Seattle a lot now.

Try to stay, try to keep up Gil. Yeah Gil. Okay, yes. Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul with a corncob pipe in the button nose and his eyes made out of coal. Frosty the Snowman made the children laugh and play. When they surprised before their eyes, he came to light the day. There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found, and when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around. Frosty the Snowman was alive as he could be, and the children say he could laugh and play

and just the same as you and me. Frosty the Snowman knew the sun was hot that day, So he said let's run and have some fun Not before I melt away So down to the village With a broomstick in his hand Running here and there All around the square Staying catch me if you can

Oh, he led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic, Hello, and he only paused a moment when he heard them holler, Oh, stop! Oh, see the snowman had to hurry on his way, But he wave goodbye saying don't you cry I'll be back again someday Thumbity Thumb Thumb Thumbity Thumb Thumb look at Frosty go oh yes Thumbity Thumb Thumb Thumbity Thumb Thumb Thump, thump, thumper-dee, thump, thump, over the hills of snow! Oh yes, Frosty the Snowman, he really is a marvelous, marvelous creature. Yes!

Oh yes. Well, Gilbert got it. I've had a stroke and I still think you're an asshole. Just to recap, that was Julia Child, Jerry Seinfeld, Cher, nice work man. Peter Laurie, Carol Channing, Andrew Dice Clay, Charles Nelson Riley, Irvy Feliches, and of course, post-stroke Betty. Oh, yes. Well, Christmas would not be Christmas without me, Betty Davis.

Oh, yes. Merry Christmas to my little elves, Gilbert Gottfried. I wish I was married to Gilbert Gottfried. Because then I could stay at a Motel 6, too. And really go to town at the vending machine. You don't like the way he treats himself. I do not like it at all. I think if you stay at a Four Seasons or something, even a H Hilton try a Hilton

I share it it will do one more quick thing before your big number before your big closing number Okay, yes. Yes. Okay. This is can I get some water? Okay, I feel like Barbra Streisand. I need my tea before I think I Have them to Christmas albums one is, thank you very much. I love duets. Now what is the thing about Barbra Streisand and fags? What's the attraction there? I really find that offensive, Gilbert. Just because I drink tea a lot while I sing doesn't mean that a lot of homosexuals like me and they do have the best taste so um I do my you know James and I

live in a barn Renovated and it's all laid out in my new book My passion for design when I talk about my secretary Renata who makes kale chips She crisps kale in the oven and drizzles olive oil and lemon all over them. They're delicious. They're almost as good as potato chips I love chocolate. I love to eat chocolate Still baking by the way, I am doing the baking and dropping it off. Yeah, I just dropped it off yesterday But this is gonna air on the 24th. so you will it'll be gone by then. Okay do you want a quick quiz or do you want to go to the song?

No let's go. Okay this is something I made up this is called Santa or Satan because if you unscramble Santa you get Satan. Did these actors play Santa Claus or the devil? Okay this is great. What do you think Gil? Okay okay they start off very easy. Yeah. Robert De Niro. He played the devil. Yeah, in Angel Heart. We should have buzzers. Yes, okay. De Niro. Al Pacino. The devil. Very good. And devil's advocate. Look at him go. Yeah. See, look at him, he's excited. Keanu Reeves. I love Keanu Reeves. Okay, this one's a layup for you, Gilbert.

Did Lon Chaney Jr. play the devil or Santa Claus? Yes, he played the devil. I think it was that Swedish production. What the fuck was the name of that? It was called The Devil's Messenger. Devil's Messenger! In 1961. What the fuck was the name of that? It was called The Devil's Messenger. Devil's Messenger! In 1961.

Devil's Messenger! And he was like put in between little stories. They had like a bunch of little scary stories and he was the devil. He knows too much. And he was, you know, the good, bad, alcoholic-a-good Lon Chaney Jr. And I remember at one point in that movie, a guy says to him, you know, that's very evil what you said,

but then what could it be when it's in an evil place like this? And Chaney goes, yeah, that's funny, it's a pun. I don't like puns, but that's a pun. And I thought, no, that's not a pun. It's I was like three years old. I was going, it's the same word. It's not a pun. But you know, Lon Chaney Jr. not going to ask him to shoot it twice. No, of course not. You're lucky to get one sober take.

They used to show that a lot on TV when I was a kid. Very good. Okay, here's, they get a little harder. Lloyd Bridges. Ooh. Lloyd Bridges played the devil. He played Santa Claus. He did, very good.

Do you remember him playing Santa Claus? No, I don't. Was this a TV special? It was a TV movie called In the Nick of Time. Yeah, I think I remember. From 1991. Okay, Hume Cronin. He played Santa Claus.

Very good, in what? In Santa and Pete. Is that what it was called? Yes, a TV movie from 1999. I didn't give you features, too many features, because that's too easy. I don't know as much as Gilbert when it comes to details of what these

random fucking movies are. So far you haven't gotten one wrong. Yeah, but I know. Go ahead. Okay, Gilbert, John Ritter. John Ritter. I'm gonna say the devil. I'm gonna say Santa.

Gilbert's got it. Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Would you fuck me? No! Stop trying. I'm gonna meet you, you pound me too. Well, you know what I mean.

Not literally pound. Yeah. Yeah. That was in Holy Moses, the Dudley Moore Lorraine Newman extravaganza. You remembered that, that John Ritter quit? I remember, but I remember he was the devil. Yeah. Very good, very good. I thought that was going to be a hard one.

I worked with Lorraine Newman in Problem of Child 2. Oh, I love Lorraine Newman. She's a great girl. She's the best. She's a Jew, you know. I know, just like you. But I like her and hate you, so I'm conflicted. I'm a conflicted anti-Semite. I'm stayinged. I'm a conflicted anti-Semite. I'm staying out of the Saltzman's. I love Mr. Saltzman. He's the best. Art Carney. Santa Claus.

Yeah, absolutely. He was an alcoholic Santa Claus. Was it on the Twilight Zone? Well, he was, he wasn't actual Santa. Yeah. But he was a department source Santa Claus. Right. And he was an alcoholic.

And he was fired from the job. He knows too well. He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job.

He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job. He was fired from the job. Yeah, but he was a department source Santa Claus, and he was an alcoholic, and he was fired from the job. He knows too much. And he's sitting out on the street, and there's a little kid with him. I'll take that, although I was going for people who played actual Santa, not someone who played Santa Claus. In the great Santa Claus switch, and he's in the night they saved Christmas with Paul Williams.

Oh, wow. Our friend Paul Williams, a TV movie. Okay, here's a couple of podcast guests. Paul Williams. Yes. No, that wasn't a question. Chuck McCann. He played Santa.

That's very good. He had to. He was a kid show host. He played so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side. That's the worst Kermit the Frog I've ever heard. Rainbows are visions, but only illusions. Rainbows have nothing to hide. What is that? What so amusing... That's Paul Williams. Oh, that's who it is. What's so amazing that keeps them so gazing?

And what do they hope they might see? One day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me. Well, if I was the great acting coach Stella Adler, I would say, that's unclear. Unclear. Okay. Okay, Chuck McCann you said played Santa. He did in a very retail Christmas. Oh, God. What about our friend Ed Asner, Gil?

Oh, Santa, Santa. And Elf, and three other projects and another podcast. And he's a Jew. Jew Santa. Indeed. Peter Fonda. Peter Fonda the devil. You're right and the Ghost Rider. He did a lot of drugs. He had to play the devil. Very good. I don't think you guys got one wrong. I did. You got one wrong. Here are two actors. What do these two actors have in common Sebastian Cabot and Mickey Rooney? They both played Santa Claus Sebastian Cabot played Santa Claus in the TV remake of miracle on 40th 34th Street correct I remember that one correct and Mickey Rooney played Santa Claus in the year without a Santa Claus and and in

Here Santa Claus is coming to town. You are correct sir, but there's more. I finally had some detail. Oh God, what is it? I singled them out because they both also played the devil. Oh, well that makes sense. Sebastian Cabot played Pip in a Twilight Zone episode. Oh that's right! A nice place to visit.

That's right! Was that the one with Carradine or? Oh no no no no no! That's the one that takes place in Las Vegas! Correct. And it's a gambler! Correct. Yes!

And he played Santa in The Miracle on 34th Street Remake on television. And Mickey Rooney played Pip in... And Rooney... That's right. One time I saw Mickey Rooney on a talk show when he was really old and alcoholic and angry and somebody said that somebody said Cary Grant was gay and Mickey Rooney gets angry kicks his foot up in the air and goes oh please Cary Grant was as gay as my foot. I don't know what that means. Beautiful.

He had tiny feet. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. They both, both Mickey Rooney and Sebastian Cabot played Santa Claus and the devil.

Rooney played Santa three times in Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the year without a Santa Claus, and something else I didn't write down. I think it was um I think it was Okay, and He played the devil in the private lives of Adam and Eve with Mamie door Van Doren She's alive maybe van Doren

She's in LA you gotta fly her in you cheap now we'll do a And mel tour may and Paul Anka are also in that one. Oh God, oh wow. Okay, now group these people. Can you do a Mel Torme? No, I can't. Don't waste my time. Go ahead.

Here's a group of actors. Did this group play Santa or did they play the devil? And the group is Austin Pendleton, Robert Wagner, and Bryan Cranston. The devil. It seems like it would be the devil. They were all Santas. Oh, geez. We both got that wrong. Yeah.

And I'm very happy about that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And the other one obviously by default, Cheech Marin, George Burns, and Robert Goulet all played Satan. Well, that's great. You guys did very, very well. I can't believe that Lon Chaney Jr. movie popped up.

Well, there you go, Gil. You know, I live to surprise you. Well, I'm out of cards and gags. I'd like to sing a song. Perfect. That I sang 50 years ago on the Johnny Carson show, and I wasn't in very good voice that night, it was 1968 I'd like to sing the song the way I really wanted it to be sung

so it's a marvelous Christmas song and it's all for you Please stay with me till after the holidays That's when I need you so Just say you'll wait till after the holidays Then I can let you go Don't make me spend this Christmas alone After each marvelous Christmas we know Won't you be kind and let me believe You're mine on New Year's Eve

Just stay with me till after the holidays I know it's hard but try, try to pretend till New Year's Don't make me spend this Christmas alone After each marvelous Christmas we know Won't you be kind and let me believe You're mine on New Year's Eve I know this is a very sad Christmas song, but with the state of affairs in this country lately, I really don't think it makes a difference. Please stay with me till after the holidays I know it's hard

But try, try to pretend Till New Year's Then we can say goodbye And that's the way you do it. That's the most morbid Christmas song she actually sang. I excuse my nicely. My throat's very little compromised tonight. Nicely done. Nicely done, beautiful. Yes, how did you find that?

It's on YouTube. Yeah, it's on YouTube. She does it actually a step lower. And she does it sitting. Oh yeah, she does it. On the couch. Yeah, beautiful end. Mario, what's up?

Plugs. Well. But plugs. Celebrity Autobot. Sally! No you can't, it's over. That's over. I don't know. What's coming up? I have nothing coming up right now.

Stand-up gigs. No stand-up gigs. I'm reclusive lately. I did do an episode of a Netflix show that's coming on in August. Hold your breath. That's a ways off. Yeah, that is. Jerry is now in Seattle a lot. He goes back and forth a lot. He is the new artistic director of the Village Theater that's in Issaquah and is in

Everett that are on either side of Seattle. And it's a big theater. It's been there for 25 years. He's the new artistic director. He's directed there off and on for 12 years. So he's there a lot which I'm not happy about. But he's home a lot because he's a Tony voter and we've seen everything for free He saved me $12,000 just so far will there be another one-man show at some point. I'm working. I do have producers Trying to get it. Okay. We'll see Seth. Tell us about your work with why hunger? Yeah, why hunger is an organization started by Harry Chapin and Bill Ayers in the 1970s Trying to get at the root causes of hunger. Yeah, which is poverty people had enough money. They wouldn't be hungry

Mm-hmm. So instead of there are many great organizations that do a lot of great work and feeding people and getting groceries out and food banks We're kind of working the other side of the street in the food movement to really get at the root causes, help community farms. We have a hunger hotline where people can call in and find food. So we're great with connecting people to food. Yeah. And give the website. The website is whyhunger.org and we're right now in the middle of our hunger-thon campaign which by the time this is on, it'll be on the 24 24th it goes through the end of the month but I go to why hunger org donate and help us out and do good things important cause thank you for I'm so glad you came me too can't own what can I say to you oh I don't know I want to thank two people Michael

Hopkins and Krista Rose who helped with the research for you. As they should. Just for you. I will be back next year when he's Amazing Colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And our special guest today, as has been with every Christmas, is the man who taught me everything I know about pussy, Mario Cantone. I did. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Before he was married, I was his sideman. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I got him laid constantly. Ha ha ha ha ha. Thank you, Mario. Thank you, Seth. Thank you, Gilbert. I love you. I love you guys. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Great to be here. God bless us all. Merry Christmas. Thank you. Great to be here. God bless us all. God bless us, everyone. Gilbert Gottfried's amazing Colossal Podcast is produced by Dara Gottfried and Frank Santapadre with audio production by Frank Verderosa, web and social media is handled by Mike Lepaden, Greg Pair,

and John Bradley Seals. Special audio contributions by John Beach. Special thanks to John Fotiatis, John Murray, and Paul Rayburn. You