Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Dick Cavett LIVE @ 2016 NYC Podfest Encore

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

GGACP celebrates the birthday of legendary comic, author and talk show host Dick Cavett (b. November 18th) by presenting this ENCORE of a special live episode recorded at the 2016 NYC Podfest. In this episode, Dick weighs in on a host of topics, including World War II propaganda, John Cassavetes’ boozing, the lost “Tonight Show” episodes and the rapier wit of Pat McCormick. Also, Dick chats up Zeppo (and Gummo!), Groucho proposes to Truman Capote, Jack Benny gets the last word and a young Dick meets his idol, Bob Hope. PLUS: Robert Q. Lewis! Claude Rains trivia! Remembering Sig Ruman! Gilbert and Dick share a milkshake! And George Jessel weighs in on Uncle Miltie’s manhood! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

🎵 I said, are you ready to get the show started? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Gilbert Godfrey's Amazing Colossal Podcast! Thank you. Are these on? Progress. You want to start, maestro? Okay.

Hi. Before you start, I just want to thank everybody for hanging around upstairs and being so patient in the heat. What the hell? I'm quickly going to thank people. Sorry. We do this with every live episode. It takes a lot of people to put this show on.

Sean Marrick is here, flew in from L.A., our West Coast producer. Jessica Wynn, our photographer, is here. Maria Sperdolosi. How do I do, Maria? Paul Rayburn, our researcher. John Fodiatis, renaissance man, theme song composer. Gino Salamone is here, our guru. Brendan Bliss, very talented animator.

The great Joe McGinty is in the house, our guest keyboardist. Also, we want to thank Jeremy Wien and Andrea Simmons of the Podfest, Mike McPadden, Darren Foster, John Steele, Frank Verterosa, my very patient wife, Genevieve, and last but not least, my partner in crime, Dara Gottfried. And now, sorry about that. You have to thank the people. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried.

And this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here once again with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And we are recording at Cake Shop in New York City. Our guest this week is a comedian, actor, author, comedy writer, and one of the most popular and admired talk show hosts in television history. In his six-year career, he's appeared on dozens of TV... Six Decade. Sorry.

He's been around longer than six years. I stopped listening to him after six years. Okay, it's six decades. Or maybe it was six years, but it just felt like six decades. He's appeared on dozens of TV shows, including The Odd Couple, Cheers, The Simpsons,

acted in movies like Annie Hall and Beetlejuice, and worked alongside legendary performers Woody Allen, Jack Parr, Johnny Carson, Jerry Lewis, and Mel Brooks. He's also authored four books, including Cavett, Eye on Cavett, Talk Show, and his latest book, Brief Encounters, Conversations, Magic Moments, and Assorted Hijinks. But he's best known to generations of TV viewers as the host of several memorable talk shows featuring interviews with a who's who of entertainment icons including Katharine Hepburn, Orson Welles John Lennon

Marlon Brando Janis Joplin, Alfred Hitchcock and his personal hero Groucho Marx applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause applause And as far as we know,

he's the only talk show host in history to have a guest drop dead live on the air. Please welcome back to the show our very first podcast guest and a national treasure, Dick Cavett. Okay. What a thrill. I got a two-person standing ovation. Wow.

Hey, back there, I thought I heard you say something about my six-minute career. Yes. Well, that's what I was hoping it was. So what's yours, a six-syllable? A six-syllable? It's finally someone made Gilbert laugh. I think that's it. We're old buddies in this crazy business of ours.

Should I tell them the shocking secret now? Oh, sure. We're related. Yeah. Really? His father and my father had different wives. I don't know what I'm talking about. Where did you meet?

Didn't you follow him around at an event? Yes. Yeah, but what was it? There was a place where you showed me where you could get a free chocolate milk. Oh, well, I knew you before then. Yeah, but where was we then? I remember at Caroline's, I showed you where we could get like a chocolate malted. Yeah. And we were both standing there with two giant glasses of chocolate malted.

And I remember Bob Saget walked in and said, are you two about to be executed? We may get that tonight. Now, where I did follow you around, it's you used

to have on Groucho Marx all the time. Yeah, all the time Groucho Marx. Yeah. All the time. Yeah, all the time. He got off one night. Yeah. And I remember I followed you around doing my Groucho imitation. He can drive me up the next room's wall.

Here, I've even prepared. Wow, he brought a prop. Look at this. he brought a prop. Look at this. He brought a prop. Oh, come on, Gilbert. Do it. Oh, God. You know, whenever people ask me why they shouldn't smoke,

I always say, visit my friend Nunnally Johnson. This is the elder Groucho. Nunnally Johnson. You know, I wasn't supposed to be in Love Happy, but we did it because Chico needed the money. There we go. Perfect. Ever since songwriters started writing songs,

they have written songs about the rose. Red roses, blue roses. Old roses, blue roses. Old roses, new roses. Roses from the northeast. South and west. But here's a rose song that I love the best. I hope he's watching somewhere. Show me a rose and I'll show you a girl who cares.

Show me a rose or leave me alone. Show me a rose and I'll show you a stag at bay. You know, he doesn't get a prop out for anybody, did he? No, no. A little more Curtis Lewa than Groucho, but we'll allow it. Well, that sort of put me away. It was an interesting thing, if it's not a bad idea to talk semi-seriously for a second. If it's not a bad idea to talk semi-seriously for a second. The one time I was sitting there, one of many times,

but he was here, I was here, the audience is out there, and somebody said something, maybe I did, and he did a brilliant ad lib that just brought the house down. But what I noticed was he was surprised by it too do you know what i'm trying to say it wasn't he thought i'll say this boom it was if the word needed was garbage what do you think they brought in and groucho said garbage he didn't laugh everybody did that was the other ready but i'm fascinated with the fact that his witty remarks were a reflex, not a thought and then a joke. That's quieted the place pretty much.

Well, this has been Dick Cavill. Well, all right. This is the end of his six-year career. It was a little like that. But, you know, if you want me out of here, do your Groucho again. So he was surprised by his own ad lib, Groucho. He was surprised by his own ad lib. That's a better way of putting it.

I remember how Alexandra walked out. Is he still doing it? As long as we're talking about Groucho, 44 years ago this month, what happened? You introduced Groucho at Carnegie Hall. 44 years? Yeah, it was May of 1972.

Do I have the math right? So it has been longer than six years. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I must have been in the business then. I didn't do that. And you were anxious that night, weren't you? I was anxious in that I thought he might die. He was very feeble that night. And he

wasn't always, but he seemed just innervated. He was lying on the couch in the dressing room. And I thought, is this going to be like some awful thing out of the Blue Angel or something? And the wretched Erin Fleming, I mean the lovely Erin Fleming, how could I say that, would not cancel because she wanted to be on stage at Carnegie Hall. And he came alive, luckily.

But the most touching thing about that night was it was sold out, of course, Carnegie Hall. It was at the peak of the brothers' fame and being worshipped on every campus. You went to a Marx festival. There were lines around the block who didn't get in. And on this night at Carnegie Hall, this was in the time of Vietnam and all that stuff, these very nice kids of that time came dressed, at least a dozen or 20 of them, as Groucho or Chico, one Harpo and no Zeppos. No Zeppos. No Gummos.

Well, Groucho said with Zeppo our act was worth a million dollars and without him it was worth two million. Not bad. Didn't you have a chance to interview Zeppo when you didn't get him because the network didn't want to pay the three grand? How do you know shit like this? Ah, you know, Dick. I put a lot of time in, buddy.

That's exactly what it... No, no, actually, it was less legal than that. We were going to pay him this double scale. That's still within the law, I guess. But he wanted $5,000. It was wonderful to talk to you on the phone. And he said, you know, I'm happy here. I've got my boat.

I'm in Vegas. And why would I need to come to town? But he said, you know, I've got stories that nobody has, and none of us will ever hear them because somebody didn't want to pay the five grand. Now I wish I kicked myself. I talked to Gummo. How many people can say that? Wow.

On the phone from my office at the Tonight Show, Jack Park. And I thought Groucho didn't seem that kind of person who would put me on like this because it was absolutely Groucho's voice. And yet it was Gamo.

Now, why two boys out of five would have the same voice? I don't know. Groucho's mother called him Der Dunkle. They spoke a lot of German. The dark one. She didn't like him very much.

He read a lot, which is of course suspicious always. Especially among Trump voters. Oh, look at the people leaving. And but oh look at the people leaving and he was alone a lot they played games played baseball and stuff but he would be in reading

Spengler or something at an early age and I asked about his mother once and Harpo I don't know why, I just sort of guessed, would Harpo be her favorite? He said, in a way, he was. And you know, Harpo inherited all my mother's good qualities.

Everybody loved Harpo. And that's why we say, when you're smiling... Well, I can quiet a room. You know, I was in the audience at Carnegie Hall. Were you there? You never told me that. Yeah. That's great.

I waved to you. Was that you? I was eight, maybe. In 72? Yeah. Wow. With Marvin Hamlisch and the whole thing. Oh, yeah, that's right.

My wife said, don't tell Gilbert all things you've told him before. But I don't remember anything I've told you before. But the other day, I realized, here's a Groucho moment that I had completely forgotten. It's quick. Way back in whatever. forgotten it's quick way back in uh whatever oh i know it was a large book from from a premier party and the man had written the book about the rothschilds remember it was out like 30 40 years ago and phyllis newman it was brought him over to me and Groucho, where we were standing, and she said, Groucho, I want you to meet Philip or whatever.

He wrote The Rothschilds, and Groucho said, did they answer? That's good. Why didn't we think of that? So what were your dealings with Aaron Fleming, the woman? Does everybody know who Aaron Fleming was? Anybody show of hands? She's the mixed blessing who came into Groucho's life at a time when he felt forgotten and was somewhat,

and lonely and would walk his dog, hoping the neighbors would invite him in for dinner and things. And talk to strangers on the street for somebody to talk to. And Erin, an actress, Canadian, rather vivacious looking in her prime, latched on like a lamprey to Groucho. And one of the lamprey girls. And it was wonderful and awful. But she is the reason there was a Carnegie Hall concert.

She got him out of bed and sitting around depressed during the day and got him on stage and brought him a long way back toward life. She was also a druggie and a bitch. And had a few bad qualities as well. But you know, if you want to, you can, I'm pretty sure Google on YouTube, a show where Groucho came on my show with Aaron Fleming. Oh, yeah.

It's up there. You know that. It's up there. And you can see that she's, as ad agency weirds used to say, a tad mad. And a friend of ours, Steve Stolyoller has written a book called raised eyebrows how's it go my my two years inside groucho's house groucho and he met at a college event ucla i think and groucho took a shine to him and said uh steve obviously knew everything about the brothers and so he got to work in groucho's house for two years and he wrote a really readable good and said Steve obviously knew everything about the brothers.

And so he got to work in Groucho's house for two years, and he wrote a really readable, good account of that called Raised Eyebrows. And we've had Steve on the show. Yeah, I heard you had a great time. It's a great read for Groucho fans. The two of these guys did, oh, the most famous movie stars. They both do voices. Genius. I hear you did Shepard Strudwick.

You do Shepard Strudwick? And Ian Wolfe? I open with that. I'll tell you what. Oh, God, you knocked me out the first time I ever saw you. I didn't know what I was getting in for. A friend of mine had seen you. He took you out of the club.

And the highlight for me was you did a faultless Claude Rains. Come on, Gil, let's hear your Claude Rains. Oh, you can't force a guy to do it. Let me do my Claude Rains so you can see how good his is. Let me think of a line from Claude Rains so you can see how good his is. Let me think of a line from Claude Rains. Oh, no, no, no. You've stolen my concerto. Something like that.

I'm sorry. And now the real Claude Rains, man. That funny little hat. I always liked it on you. Remember what movie that's from? The Greatest Story Ever Told? No, The Invisible Man. Oh, yes, it is.

Wow. Hey, I've got a Claude Rains trivia question. Should I do it? Oh, power to make the world gruffle at my feet. It's a little Sydney Green Street. There was some. Claude Rains was short. I didn't mean to say that around here,

but he was short. He hated being short. Peter Dinklage also. Yeah. He and Claude Rains together make Ray Moland. Or something. I love Peter Dinklage.

Even if he's here. Not a chance. Were you going to say stand up, admit it? Wait, no. You told a story when you were a kid in Nebraska and your mother called you into the house to listen to you.

That happened twice. No, it was to listen to the radio. Yeah, this will date me. At least someone will thank you. Yeah.

How do you make the I surrender gesture? My sister will date you. I've never heard anybody joke on that. Anyway. Yeah, you will be able to guess the year. And among my next 12 words, I want you kids to come inside and listen to the radio you'll understand this someday the japs have bombed pearl harbor and gotten us into the war and we were little kids and i thought who are the Japs what who is Pearl Harbor because there was a Pearl

Wilson living next door and what is the war the war what I hadn't seen duck soup yet and I I didn't know uh what to make of this Sunday interrupting a concert and the next five years were uh us and the Japs I'm sorry to the Japs sitting here all right and you said your mother said it was going to be bad oh yeah actually that was either my aunt or my mother, who were teachers. And one of them said, when this is starting now, the kids in junior high now are going to get the worst of this. And it was totally accurate. Many of them were killed.

Hard to remember. I think people say this can't be true. Describing, you're not old enough to remember this, describing propaganda posters that were in the post office. Slap a Jap for the... And the illustration would be Japanese figures, because you knew by their face that they had round glasses and buck teeth the size of dominoes. And they had rat bodies, and they were coming out of a sewer.

And that was typical. There were many, many, along with the loose-lip sink ships. But I remember James Agee, in an essay at the time, said, I sometimes wonder what the effect of this racism will be when we pay for it when the war is over and so on and so on. Kind of astute comment for the time.

James Agee, what did he write? A Death in the Family. Death in the Family. Yeah, yeah. He wrote in another essay. In a screenplay Night of the Hunter

was that agey? I wish I'd known him he said about Groucho I sometimes worry if everyone in the audience gets his weirdest curves meaning they're too complex in some ways.

This isn't the starkest example. And slap me if I've told it to you before. I don't need a reason to slap you. Shall I go on or what? You're sitting over the alligator pit. Boom. What was I talking about? Can I ask you something that Steve Stoller sent us?

Yeah, but it'll drive me crazy that you asked me just before I started. We're curved. Thank you, my dear. I'd marry you, whoever you are. Thank you, Martha. Rented car, Beverly Hills, had dinner with the two gentlemen about to name. One was Julius H. Marx,

better known to you as Groucho, and the great Harry Ruby. If you can ever see a rerun of one of Groucho's you bet your life with harry ruby very sad face great songwriter you know three little words and almost every song you can think of one of the most lovable funny dry great man but anyway i thought i wish to hell i weren't driving this car and had a tape recorder because they were chatting, two great old-time legends. We stopped at a light, I think maybe on Sunset, and I heard Groucho say, that building there, that's where your son lives, Harry.

And Harry Ruby said, no, he doesn't, Groucho. He said, yeah, that building right on the corner, that's where your son lives. And he said, my son does not live there, Groucho. He lives way over on Wiltshire. Here comes the weird curve. And Groucho said, well, that's funny. I ran into him last week and he never mentioned not living there.

That's weird. I like that. You never met Chico. No, I wish I had. Did you? Did you meet any of the brothers? Yeah. Chico died in 61.

Yeah, I saw one clip of Chico being interviewed, and he had on the full outfit. He was on some English talk show. on the full outfit he was on some english talk show and i thought that way i i wasn't sure if he uh was trying to do chico but not but not having the energy or trying to talk normally and falling into chico but you could definitely hear traces of a person other than like a New York guy. Oh, I would love to see that.

Leonard Marks. Yeah. Wasn't there a Lost episode? Isn't it one of the Lost Cabot episodes? Groucho and Harry Ruby? Yes, sadly. You brought me down to the floor. My morning show, two weeks in Hollywood, and they said, you're going to enjoy Friday.

We've got Groucho Marx and Harry Ruby. Somehow, now in that time, ABC, in saving a little money, we learned scandalously, was as soon as those shows were taped in the morning, they took them out and ran them through the machine, taping Let's Make a Deal. Ooh.

That treasure is gone, and many more. Yeah, that's awful. And the sons of bitches who do that have no compunctions about it. Johnny nearly got an assault rifle and went into NBC in New York when he learned they had 86ed his, I think his entire New York run.

Well, what's his name? Oh, Koufax. Ernie Koufax. Ernie Koufax. Ernie Kovacs. Ernie Kovacs, yeah. I heard a story. They called his wife, Don E.D. Adams,

and somebody said, I work here at the station. He said, come here right away. They're destroying all of his shows. Jesus. Yeah, I've heard that story too. I've never heard that particular one, but I know a friend of mine, same plot sort of, said, come over here to NBC.

In fact, yeah, just get here. And they got there, and this guy's friend said, I've got to and this guy's guy's friend said i'm gonna i had i gotta quit this job i just erased george s kaufman's first appearance on the tonight show which was stunning and as groucho aged he never did what a lot of old men do tell you things you have to pretend you haven't heard before he never did that never did that except once and i can still hear it it was um did i ever tell you the greatest compliment i ever got and i said no the greatest compliment i ever got was george kaufman said to me groucho you're the only actor

i'd ever let ad lib in something I wrote. Kaufman, the great writer, plays director. Once I asked Groucho, what sort of things do you remember Kaufman saying that you liked? And he said his advice to his daughter. I thought, uh-oh.

I said, what was it? And he said, sample everything in life except incest and folk dancing. I love that one. Did that offend anyone? Can I make a strange turn, one of those strange turns, Dick,

that you were just talking about? Maybe you want to comment on one of these. I asked Steve Stolier, your friend and ours, if he had any questions for you. He said, ask Dick if you want to field one of these, ask Dick about Pat McCormick and the leg braces. Or, does that ring a bell? Oh, yeah.

I'm not capable of describing who Pat McCormick was if you don't know. But I hope so. You guys know who Pat McCormick was. What was he in with Burt Reynolds? Smokey and the Bandit. He was the tall Paul Williams.

Yeah. They would always team him with Paul Williams. He was a writer for The Tonight Show, most famously. Maybe the funniest man I've ever been around. I mean, you can't get any funnier. Well, maybe Jonathan Winters and a few others. But Pat did outrageous things, and he got away with them because he was 6'5 or something,

and this great Irish, wonderful, almost baby-like face when he wanted it to be that way. And you had to get used to being with Pat because you'd be walking down 6th Avenue and there'd be a man coming, struggling along on crutches, and Pat would go, hee-hee. Oh.

Which of us would never think of that? But they were witty things. Once we were, actually it was 6th Avenue. Pat and the great David Lord and I were the writing staff of the Merv Griffin Show, and we just had lunch. And we were sensitive to what Pat would do and flinch if we saw a nun coming or someone over 400 pounds. And here's one. or someone over 400 pounds.

And here's one. A man came our way along 6th Avenue, and I didn't see him, but David went like this. Distract Pat. But this man was wearing an old-fashioned iron leg brace and clumping and clanking along with it. And as yet, Pat hadn't seen him and then David went oh no sheer coincidence

ten feet behind him came another man wearing an iron leg brace no connection and Pat said is this the way to the FDR rummage sale laughter laughter laughter laughter oh and the other one 50-hour rummage sale. And... Oh, and the other one...

Another... I love that. Another one was that others have claimed was Pat's... He had a thing about Ernest Borgnine. Who doesn't? And it had to do with personal hygiene, as I recall. He said when...

What was that gum that was supposed to help your breath, that little bucket rattled? Oh, uh... Sen-sen? No, but that's all right. Let's say it was Sen Sen. When Ernie opens a Sen Sen package, a white flag comes out.

But the masterpiece of all, his breath could start the painting. I don't want to take any chance let me go through to myself and my mind two, three, four oh yeah, his breath could start the windmill in an old

Dutch painting what a concept. Oh, boy. While we wait for Gilbert to find the men's room, we promise we'll come back to the show after a word from our sponsor. Don't go away. And now back to the show. I urge our listeners to look up Pat McCormick. Now, I have to know if me and my friends are the only people who know this,

or are you familiar with the Pat McCormick helicopter story? This is the greatest hit on this podcast. Possibly, but I'm not at this moment, so... That Pat McCormick and his friends, other showbiz cronies, writers would try to outdo each other once a year on a dinner that each one would be in charge of. Wow. They take. And so when it was, you know, so they would try to, you know, fly people to Paris or or like do, you know, just insane stuff. Paris or like do you know just insane stuff and now when it came to be Pat McCormick's

turn he led everyone to this heliport and he gave where they handed everyone a paper bag with a tuna fish sandwich and an apple in it and everyone's looking at what the hell is this

and then they were taken one by one in a helicopter where a hooker would blow them while circling their house oh yes yes yes and and they they did this and one of the writers says he went home that day and his wife said so how was the dinner and he said you know so so and he goes anything

how was your evening and she goes it was kind of strange there was a helicopter circling and you had Tim Conway confirm that story, did you not? I was working with Tim Conway and I said to him, look, I don't know if this story's true,

but Pat, and without even going, I go, Pat, and he goes, helicopter? I go, Pat, and he goes, helicopter. Well, it's about the time I was working for PAR, just to date this, early 60s.

The story made rounds in town of how Pat did, which is said to have, in fact, hastened the divorce that eventually came. They were all at the McCormick apartment, a big dinner spread. Pat brought in the big silver tray with the lid, took it off, and there was their newborn baby. True.

Fantastic. Even people who knew Pat were shocked. Diane, for indeed that was her name, was not amused. Baby wasn't having a bad time. So here's another one from Stoller. I give you your choice, Dick. We could talk about your friendship with Stan Laurel,

or you can take another question from Stoliar, because I love the list he gave me here. There's a question about a noseless woman. Does that mean anything to you? What? There's a question about a noseless woman. This is from Stoliar. A woman with no nose.

Does that mean anything? Oh, yeah. I don't think anybody could make this humorous. Okay, well, we could. How about Robert Q. Lewis's skin? Oh, yeah, he had this skin collection of... Oh, I think I know. I would love to...

Can I take my shirt off? It's just hot as hell. Sure, sure. It's warm in here. Oh, help me, Gilbert. I'm stuck. Thank you. I'm undressing Dick Cavett.

Throw that into the audience like Elvis. And it's not the first time. You got to watch him in the dressing room. What was the subject? I don't know. He said, ask Tick about it. Robert Q. Lewis. Don't use any words.

Okay. Which is difficult. I would love, and you would love, I can speak for you. Okay. I would love, and you would love, I can speak for you, to have a collection of nasty things that comedy writers have done or said to a hated boss. I don't want to mention this guy's name, but his initials were Robert Q. Lewis.

And do anyone remember him? You've got to be a certain age. Who remembers Robert Q. Lewis? He did. He was on game shows. He was Arthur Godfrey's constant understudy. And he was an amusing, kind of pointed face, witty kind of guy.

He was good. But a schmuck. And... Is that how you pronounce it? Yeah. Ask him. Italian. I meant how you pronounce but.

Anyway, but a schmuck. They were in the middle of the season. He had a two-hour radio show at one point. And he was nasty to the crew famously I mean to the writers especially a lot of people who have comedy written for them hate the people supplying

it because it reminds them that without help they wouldn't be where they are and Lewis said something terrifically nasty whatever it was it's lost to history to a group of his writers in his room. And one of them got him. Now, tiny bit of background.

Lewis had to have nose putty, kind of putty knifed onto the craters in his face, probably from smallpox, I don't know what. And he was very sensitive about that. Can you see it coming? He said something to the writer, and the writer said, that's it, I'm out of here, keep my paycheck, bastard. And then he went to the door, paused to the door for a minute and said, oh, I never got to ask you this, Bob. What's par for your right cheek?

Now, that's almost rude. But good. Now, you worked on the most infamous Jerry Lewis TV failure. I have to go now. Bring the room down. Was that the two-hour version of the Jerry Lewis show? You know all these things. You don't need to pretend you don't know everything. But you do it so well. Yeah, that was a two-hour show.

It was announced for almost a year in advance. Jerry Lewis, billion-dollar contract, ABC. You know why he got it? He hosted The Tonight Show for two weeks in the summer between Johnny and Jack, or Jack and Johnny. And he scored heavily. He was just wonderful. And I wrote for him.

Liked him. And then it was like, this is the biggest show anyone has ever had. Nothing compares. No spectaculars, a word we used to use. He will have two hours live

from his Jerry Lewis studio,is studio from the jerry lewis theater in hollywood and vine um it was not uh i talked about a little afterwards it kennedy was shot uh about three weeks later the show had its merciful death. It had run for about 12 weeks, I think. Catastrophe is too nice a word. I was there opening night watching it, and I thought, they aren't going to put this on the air certainly oh wait it's live I don't remember one joke I gave Jerry

it was and he's the only one he used that night opening night it was why do people keep saying what you're going to do for two hours so they articles ads Jerry what you're going to do for two hours what you you going to do for two hours? What are you going to do for two hours? Why don't they ask Liz and Dick what they can do for two hours? Two, three, four and they liked it

Did I leave something out? Maybe the mic was off. I'll give you another chance. Why me? Oh, that was it. Why me? Why me? Why don't they ask Liz and Dick what they can do for two hours?

Well, this was at the height of the affair in every day's papers. Okay, try it again. I'll say it one more time. And this time, this time I want a rousing reaction. You sound like the studio warm-up man.

Yes, yes. When Jackie comes out on this stage, I'll be tossing T-shirts out in the audience. Yes, anything you want. I want you to tear the roof off this theater.

Say that joke again. Now, everyone, greatest joke you've heard in your life or religious experience. Say it. I forgot. Had something to do with a dog. I don't think I ever told this before, and we may wonder why.

Everyone in America, apparently, from the ratings, tuned in for that much ballyhoo, knock over your head, open up. And the producer said, I've asked all the writers, and you can submit your idea, how we will open the very first live show.

And I went back and I thought, I said, why don't we open live with Jerry having a cigarette, which he always did, on the corner of Hollywood and Vine? And the cliched, pretentious announcer voice saying, this man is about to enter the arena of one of the most something-something events of the year, of the decade, perhaps of the century, two hours of live television, and so on.

And Jerry stubs out his cigarette and have him walk to the theater in his impeccable tuxedo and his pumps. And as he gets to the door of the theater, it won't open. The automatic lock has gone on and there's no way to get into the theater. That would have played better

than how he chose to open the show. The producer said, I owe you a million dollars. That's perfect for him. He'll act it right and so on. But he had a better idea, really, I have to admit. He came on singing Make Someone Happy. Here, let me show you how a joke is told.

Pay attention. Okay. Okay. Everyone wants to know what I'm gonna do for two hours. Why don't they ask Leach and Dick what they're gonna do for two hours. Why don't they ask Leach and Dick what they're gonna do for two hours?

Why? You're getting the Benny. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Aren't we fun? Speaking of Mr. Benny, we did the first episode with you, Dick, two years ago. The first episode of this show, which we have to thank you for.

Here we are 110 episodes later. And they were saying, what's he going to do for two hours? Everyone said it. I will confess, and Gilbert and I have told this on the show, the first guest we interviewed, we were not able to use the material. And then Gilbert had lost faith in the idea. We walked to a pizzeria, Dara, Gilbert and I, and he said, well, that was fun.

And I said, listen, give it one more chance. Let's get a guest who's an automatic. And we called Dick Cabot. And the show was born. And on that show, you told a favorite Jack Benny story. Oh, yes. How long ago was that, in fact? Two years.

You were about to do the Lillian Hellman play. Oh, yeah, I'd do the play. Well, it was great fun. At first I thought, I really didn't think, what are Gilbert and I going to do to fill the time? But it turned out to be no problem. I am curious as the precise reason you couldn't use the first one you did from filthy material. No, unfortunately.

Because how would that disqualify? The guy was not our youngest guest. He was a guest that was so many years. He was a little bit up there. When my brother Chico... No, no. You know, I was working with with Sig Roman who was a wonderful

character yes he was from to be or not to be Sig Roman down below down below sat the devil talking to his son

who wanted to go up above below, sat the devil talking to his son, who wanted to go up above. Up above. You look like Rhoda Morgenstern with that hat on. More than a crowd show. They say it's

getting too hot for me, and so I'm going up on ice where I can have some fun. And the devil says, you stay down here where you belong. The folks who live above you, they don't know right from wrong.

Let him tell the Benny story because it's a... Did you see the show where he sang that horrible song by Irving Berlin about war and brothers killing brothers? That was this one. That's the one. I wonder if it's online. I'd like to know, though.

They're breaking... Oh, they're breaking the hearts of mothers. Brothers killing brothers. Brothers killing brothers. Irving Berlin. Yeah, of all people. And that Groucho would always sing that whenever Irving Berlin was in the audience. Yeah, he loved to do that.

I prefer Easy Peasy myself. Oh, yes. Easy Peasy. The one he sang on the Dodgers short show. Peasy Wheezy, yeah. I wonder if Berlin wrote anything else. That was the name, wasn't it? You want to tell the Benny Elevator story?

It's such a gem. Or you can tell the Dick and Liz story. I think I'll just tell Dick. That always gets a laugh, no matter what. Okay. I was in hog heaven when I got the job with Jack, in my legendary story of taking Jack Parr offensively and pushily, some material, and corner him in the hall at NBC,

and he hired me a little later. But that same building, and when I got to work on the show, I thought, they can kill me now. My job is to write jokes and then I go down for taping, rehearsals if there are any, and I hang out with Jonathan Wenders

or Sid Caesar or George Burns rehearsals if there are any and i hang out with jonathan winters and sid or sid caesar or george burns um or groucho or all my heroes this night end of the taping carson tonight show jack benny whom i'd been chatting with before the show. I'd go in and corner these people in the green room. I asked him about Mary Livingston and a couple of things. And he was so nice. Somebody pointed out that Jack had the record for the cleanest working huge star in comedy ever.

So there was that. And there was that I'd grown up hearing him on his night. Hello, everybody. This is Jack Benny. All my life. So he went to get in the elevator. And it was this elevator sort of segregated for the stars. There was nobody else in it.

He got in it. But then a bunch of fans in it he got in it but then a bunch of fans spotted him and got in with him before the page could stop them so i got in of course and we're driving we're going down it would be seven floors and at the first floor as the door closed somebody said are you really cheap somebody else said, I hope the few people in the audience know these references.

Is it true there's a guy under your house in a vault guarding your money? And this lovely man, perhaps the only person in the history of show business that everybody liked. Right up here at the top. Not down here with Danny Kaye.

That's another show. Oh, I'm sorry. That's another show. And, yeah. But where are we now? The fifth floor, do you really drive a Maxwell? The fourth, do you really play the violin that badly? Ha, ha, ha.

And you could see him kind of roll his eyes just subtly. Wouldn't hurt their feelings. Bottom floor. They all run out to tell their friends. And I said, Mr. Benny, do those references get kind of tiring decade after decade? And this lovely man put his hand on my shoulder and he said, and then he gestured, you know, kid, sometimes you just want to tell them to go fuck themselves. Oh, man.

I love you. Can you imagine, your best. That was just, that voice that had come out of my radio. It's a shocker. You know, I heard a story from, of all people, Ed McMahon. And Ed McMahon told me he went to a roast of Georgie Jessel. And Ed McMahon was just a kid at the time. And he was thrilled to be around these people.

And Jack Benny goes up to the podium. And he freezes Ed, just watching Benny. And Benny goes, you know, Georgie Jessel has to fly to Israel tonight. You see, he's got a cunt in high fits. Oh, not a woman, an actual cunt. He wears it for a toupee. When I was too young and naive to know that everybody would know what this was about, maybe I was at the Friars as a kid just out of school,

and I said, wouldn't you say it's true that if it weren't for Milton Berle's penis, all roast shows would be only half as long? It's true. It's true. And speaking of half as long... We have time for five minutes of questions. Jeremy, where are you?

Let me finish. Oh, go ahead. There's a little bit to it. Sure. Jessel, annoyed that he was at the farthest end of one of the long roast tables, where everybody is, and somebody did a joke about Burl,

because half the stuff was always about Burl's member, and members only. And Jessel stood up and ad-libbed, I guess. I know that the joke I'm hearing is always about Milton's penis. And how long it is. Well, I'm here to verify that. I'm standing on it. You know that? that I'm standing on it. You want to do five minutes,

five quick minutes of questions? If anybody has any questions for Mr. Godfrey, Mr. Cavett, I'm going to start in the back. Hang on. Is that a lady or a gentleman? I'm sorry, I can't see. Come on, Jared. Well, I have a question about Mr. Cabot.

There's one episode that you referred to as your most challenging, The Husbands, with Zara, Cassavetes, and Peter Falk. Can you hear that? No, my hearing aids on this side. One of your more challenging episodes was the husband's episode with Peter Falk, Ben Gazzara, and John Cassavetes. You don't need to hear me tell it. Somebody has put it on YouTube.

I work alone. Somebody. What's the question real quick? You bring out the best in me. Did you realize how drunk, how bombed they were beforehand? Being a little naive, it took me two seconds to see how drunk they were. And then they were the only guests that I've ever had come on together and get their idea of humor by taking one of the other one's shoe off

and smelling his feet. Cassavetes falling to the floor in a faint. They were pissed to all of their gills. And they decided to be bad boys. And it got kind of funny. And then the audience began to turn away. I thought, I've got to say something. This is awful.

They're flopping around. And I said, this is why I never joined a fraternity. And that kind of helped. And the one I said in all seriousness, but there were enough people who knew it was true to get a laugh, I said, they were now seated. And I said, I can't believe that I'm sitting here with you three

and one week could go today. These three chairs were occupied by Alfred Lunt, Lynn Fontaine, and Noel Coward. Perfect.

And the style was different. Anybody else? By the way, just so you don't say that, it's on YouTube now as Dick Cavett's worst show ever.

Truly. Jack Hoffman in the back. Yeah, my memory's correct. You did a show with Zero Mostel. I'll repeat the question. If his memory is correct, you did a show with Zero Mostel. Was there an introduction that was very unique, I think? Was there a unique

introduction? I hope so. What was it? I hope my memory is correct. You've had many stars on. It's the first time you ever had zero. Had zero? Yes.

Is that the humorous part? That was your clever introduction. Had zero, yeah. One introduction. I'll race through this. Jack, who was the most brilliant ad-libber and neurotic possible person I ever worked with. Jack Parr. Thrilling, Jack Parr on live television. And one day somebody came up and said, oh, God, Jack is so happy.

Somebody fell out, but they've booked Jane Mansfield tonight. Somebody knew her and they called her up and she's coming on and Jack's just like that about her. You'd have thought it was Marilyn because Jane was about here to Maryland, but a huge star at the time. All us, the older boy writers and I gave Jack introductions and he hated them and we tried again and he sent them all to the wastebasket

and did one of his hissy fits of you guys haven't written me anything I could use in weeks so two of the older guys went home and said screw it and I went to my typewriter So two of the older guys went home and said, screw it. And I went to my typewriter.

I didn't think I had enough status to go home. And Jack, thrilled at having her on. And I thought, I'll just get this over with. One line. What'll it be? Chicka-da-da-da-da-da. And Jack loved it, and he took it and he said backstage I never dreamed we would have her

on the show and I didn't know how to introduce her and anyway here's my introduction here they are Jane Manson one more quick question Thank you. One more quick question. Jonathan, right here.

You did an amazing show with the Muppets. Yeah, you know, I'd like to see that again. I never saw the show I did with the Muppets. A show with the Muppets. The question was, I did an amazing show with the Muppets. Yes, that's just more of a... Tell us about the Muppets. I don't remember one thing.

They really stood out. Trust my heart. No, I do. They were wonderful, and of course it was fun to work with them. There's a picture of me leaning my head against the giant blue guy, whatever his name was. But the worst part of doing it was that I came downstairs, eager to do the show

in five minutes or whatever, five minutes later, and I looked on a table and there were all the Muppets dead. I was dead. Terrible. One quick one right here is our last one other than your appearance on the odd couple season 5 episode 18 wow it's a man after my own heart is there a signature moment in your career that you think back and just say wow that was

special the best show besides Besides this? Yeah. No, I think most questions are impossible because, well, you can tell who came in on a race first. There's no doubt about that. But when you have this vast variety of different kinds of people and so on, I could never really answer the question, whether I'm asked it by barbara walters or a teenage girl with braces from a junior high school paper who says who's been your most interesting guest

it's it's interesting and i so i'm really having to cop out on you but if you were to thrust me to cop out on you, but if you were to thrust me to the wall, then you'd look capable. I would have to put it this way. I would have to say that Groucho meant the most to me. I was always touched by your line. I think it's something you said in a Marx Brothers in a nutshell. You said Groucho, you felt sorry for him because everybody else got to have a Groucho Marx,

and he didn't get to have one. Yeah. It's such a sweet thing to say. I did another version of that once. I was so struck. I worshipped Bob Hope and finally had him on the show. And something we did earlier happened. In Lincoln, he came to town my friend lyle and i

were going to go see bob hope but we thought it's the coliseum it has thousands of people it'll be a movie we won't see bob hope in lincoln nebraska well we did but the first hour was a variety show a magician, a juggler, a dancer a shadow guy and we had at intermission we said well see, no Bob Hope and we started to leave and then they said okay, second act

everybody back in thousands and i can hear that voice now and now the star of our show bob hope and hope glided on from the wings. And I had just seen him in Monsieur Boquer. And I just said, there's air only between me and Bob Hope. This can't be possible. And I remember my friend Lyle said, Jesus, there he is. We were struck dumb.

He had Marilyn Maxwell with him, who was a favorite colleague of his. Yeah. For some years. And at one point he kind of grabbed her leg for comic purposes. They were standing. And she said, hey, Bob, you can't do that.

And he said, read your contract. And I went back around in my usual nosy way. Stage door, six steps down. Cadillac waiting to drive them to the Cornhusker Hotel in Lincoln. And as he's coming down the stairs, I was just like this. And I said, fine show, Bob. And he said, hey, thanks, son. Told all my friends at Lincoln High School the next day

how I'd been chatting with Bob Hope. Followed him to the hotel so he could see me again. But I didn't see him at the hotel. How many years later, I, during a commercial break, have to go look in the wings to believe that Bob Hope is about to walk out on my stage.

Years later, came out and said, hey, I'm glad to see you working. He'd met me on The Tonight Show when I was a writer. And I said, Mr. Hope, and I told him that story. He said, was that you?

I love that. He had such a wonderful memory. We should wrap their other podcast coming up. But for selfish reasons, I just want to hear my favorite Dick Cavett anecdote, which is the Tallulah Bankhead. Chico Marx. And if there's anybody in here who hasn't heard it. Look how it's backing him out.

You're in for a treat. Okay. Groucho was asked by Chico to introduce him to the great Tallulah Bankhead. And she was new to New York and took the town by storm, cover of Life, cover of Equity magazine, covers of everything, this of Equity magazine, covers of everything.

This great beauty at the time from Georgia. Her father was head of the House, speaker of the House in Washington. Her uncle was a senator. And Groucho said, Chico, this is a lady. You're going to meet her. Great beauty, great wit, beautifully educated, great in her clothes. And Chico said, oh, for Christ's sake,

I'm an idiot on stage, but I can be a gentleman. You know I can. I guess it's the dance floor, maybe between dances. And people standing by hear the lines Chico, Miss Tallulah Bankhead Miss Bankhead my brother Chico Chico, I want to fuck you

Miss Bankhead and and to her eternal credit, she answered, and so you shall, you old-fashioned boy. Mr. Jeff. Thank you, sir. Do you want to take us out, my man?

No. Okay, because we have to rush this, I got to go fast. Oh, no. We've been talking to Dick Haffish, who's had a long career. Wouldn't you love to have the golf hat that Groucho sometimes wears? Oh, with the balls? Wouldn't you love to have the golf hat that Groucho sometimes wore? Oh, with the balls?

Yeah. It had three knitted white golf balls and two little odd men or something knitted. And on the show of mine in which Groucho proposed marriage to Truman Capote, the only line I remember vividly was, I could never marry a man who has three balls on his head. On his head was never heard by three balls.

Captain Spalding? Yes. Take us out? Okay. Hi, I'm... No, that goes at the front. Oh, okay. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast

with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. At Cake Shop in New York City. He's putting on the beret again. So nice. We've been talking to a person who's been in show business for six years. Have you ever had a hat snatched off your head? Ladies and gentlemen, the great Dick Iverson. Oh, wow. Okay.

It's okay. Get the book. See, only two only two applauders are standing. Okay. That's fine. Thank you. Thank you, New York Podfest

Take House. Thank you guys all for coming out. Yeah. I think they like it. Thank you. Thank you, New York Podfest. Take house. Thank you guys all for coming out. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.