Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Dick Van Dyke ENCORE

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

In an encore of this classic GGACP episode from 2016, Gilbert and Frank are joined by actor, comedian, recent Kennedy Center honoree and national treasure Dick Van Dyke, who looks back on his illustrious eight-decade career, recalls his friendships with Buster Keaton and Stan Laurel and shares his memories (good and bad) of making the classic films "Mary Poppins" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." Also, Dick idolizes Ray Bolger, co-stars with Mickey Rooney, gets a surprise visit from Cary Grant and earns a compliment from Fred Astaire. PLUS: "My Mother the Car"! The Perfect Fool! Praising Paul Lynde! The genius of Carl Reiner! Gilbert and Dick duet! And Dick reveals his secrets of longevity! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey there, loyal listeners. Frank here to let you know that Gil and I are taking one week off, just a week, for the Fourth of July holiday. After all, this is a nostalgia show, and summer reruns are something we all grew up with. But we are running a very, very special Encore presentation this week, And that's a show from way back in 2016, which was kind of a turning point show for us, certainly a turning point booking. We've talked a lot about how the show was, how it began as a lark, really, for Gilbert and for me. We did the early shows at his kitchen table, mostly phone interviews. We had no idea what we were doing, of course. But when we booked this guest, which was a dream booking, it suddenly became apparent to us what we had on our hands. And that was an oral history of show business in the 20th century. That guest was the legendary Dick

Van Dyke. And with Dick being recently honored just a few weeks ago by the Kennedy Center, we thought this was the perfect time to revisit this classic episode. So I also have to add, I don't think I've ever seen Gilbert more excited about meeting a guest. He was actually starstruck, which he admits. Gilbert was at Dick's house in L.A. I was on the Skype back in New York. Luckily for me, I had met Dick before, and the guy is a total charmer. So we will thank Dick's wife, Arlene, who helped make this show possible,

as well as our friends, Scott and Lisa Land, who also played a role in it. And we'll thank Dick himself, who is 95 and going strong. Bless his heart. So enjoy this summer encore episode with the great Dick Van Dyke. And happy Independence Day to all our fans. Enjoy. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast.

And I'm not here, but connected by Skype with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. We're thrilled when we're lucky enough to book a guest who was on our original want list. This is true. And this week's guest was at the top of that list. He's a celebrated actor, comedian, writer, singer, dancer, and a bona fide showbiz legend who has appeared in popular films such as Bye Bye Birdie, Cold Turkey, The Dick Van Dyke Show, and then years later, Diagnosis Murder.

He's the recipient of five Emmys, a Tony Award, a Grammy, and a Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award. He's also a member of the Television Hall of Fame and has been recognized as a Disney legend. I'm so excited to be with here. I may pee on myself. Please welcome Dick Van Dyke. I'm very impressed. What a resume that is. What a resume that is.

Now, I had some stuff prepared to ask you, but then we got into a conversation, and you were friends with the actor and comedian Orson Bean. Yes. Now, please, please. Oh, you want to hear about that? Sorry. For us. Orson and I go back to the 50s when both of us were hanging around New York, kind of out of work.

And we would go to the Modern Museum and down the basement they ran old silent films. And we'd go to Central Park. Well, we'd go to the Central Park Zoo every day. There was a chimp in there who had to weigh 150 pounds. A big old gray chimp who laid on a kind of a bunk up there, smoked a big black cigar, and masturbated constantly. I mean, he would do it. If he had an audience, he would do it.

I kind of envied him. He must have passed on that chimp. But Orson remembers it. We go every day So you Isn't it great You would go every day with Orson Bean Yeah just to watch that gym To watch a monkey masturbate

I can't imagine anything I'd rather watch Every day it brought tears to my eyes I couldn't imagine anything I'd rather watch. Oh, every day it brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't stand it. I worked with a chimp in a movie who was about the same size, a very talented guy, Dinky. So I know my chimps. That was the Robin Crusoe movie, Dick. That's right.

Dinky was his name. He weighed about 130 pounds, 10 years old, and could remember like 10 things in a row. In a scene, he would remember everything. He could play cards, and if he went up and forgot his lines, he'd start going, whoo, and pee. Pee his pants. Very dedicated actor he was.

So basically, he had more talent than me. Now you told a story in your book, Keep Moving, that years ago, I guess you were doing Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, maybe, and you hurt yourself. Well, I pulled a muscle doing chitty-chitty bang-bang, maybe, and you hurt yourself.

Well, I pulled a muscle in the leg, yeah. And then you went to a doctor, and he gave you this horrible... That's right. He looked at my x-rays. He said, do you know that you're riddled with arthritis from head to foot? I didn't know it. I was 40...

What was I? 42 or 43. So apparently I had been all those years, but I didn't know it. I was 40. What was I? 42 or 43. So apparently I had been all those years. But I didn't know it. And that's what got me moving. And I'm still riddled with arthritis. It doesn't bother me that much. The thing is, I keep moving and keep stretching. And it doesn't hurt.

And I heard you said in the doctor's office, you were hit with this shocking horrible news he said you know in five to seven years you'll be at least on a walker if not on a wheelchair five to seven years and you said you got up and danced in his office that was 50 years ago and i'm i'm still dancing oh wow so it doesn't have to take you down. Yeah, because, I mean, all over the Internet, there is, like, this footage of you, like, dancing in clothing stores. My wife grabbed me. Oh, yeah.

I'm in Sears and Roebuck, Ralph's Market, wherever they're playing music. And it looks like it's special effects, the way you're dancing. Now, how did you start out in show business? I was doing what they call karaoke now. We were a record act. They were all over Los Angeles. 1947, my buddy and I drove out here in his old Chevy,

had a box of 78 records and we played clubs all over town was this the mary the mary mutes yeah yeah mary that was what a name yeah yeah we had quite a following around town it was a very popular thing jerry lewis started oh yeah yeah jerry did pantomime yeah and that's how i got in show it was going to be a lot we were going to go home and do something serious but one thing led to and I never got out of the business, thank God. And then you got further into show business after you were in the Army. Yeah, a kind of cowardice. Yeah.

I was in pilot training, and the war was almost over, so they just canceled the pilot training program, and they called us all in and said some of you will be overseas as tail gunners on B-25s. The rest of you will be assigned according to your abilities. And I went right in. Da-da-da-da.

I started singing and dancing. And I got in the special services group. Saved my life. Go ahead, Gil. Oh, no, you never were ever at formal training. No, at nothing. Yeah. No, I tell kids today, I was in my 30s before I got a job singing and dancing.

And my God, I loved it. If I had had any sense, then I would have said, well, I better, you know, study dancing a little and take some vocal. I didn't do anything. I just did it for the fun of it. And I never worked on it. That's not a good way to do it. Although I watching you sing and dance like an untrained singer and dancer. It's kind of like like Jimmy Durante.

It's kind of like Jimmy Durante. Jimmy Durante, by no means, is a great singer, but you love listening to him. That's right, yeah. And you're like one of those people, like, you know, maybe there are better dancers and singers, but when you watch you, you know, it's a guy having a great time, it looks like. That's the secret.

If I'm having fun, it's fairly entertaining. If I'm not, I stink. If I don't like what I'm doing, if I don't think it's funny, I can't make it funny if it's not funny to me. But, yeah, your dancing was always, like, contagious. You know, it just looks like fun. I was a Ray Bolger. I was a Ray Bolger. I was a Ray Bolger fan.

I always wanted to be that guy, the scarecrow. Oh, yeah. As a matter of fact, my very young wife once said, what would you have liked? I said, I'd like to be that scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. She said, did you try out for it? I was 12 years old. Is that why you call yourself a fake dancer, Dick? Because you never had any formal training?

That's right. I'm a total fake. But I'm a good one. I'm a very good fake singer, fake actor. You've done okay. So are you equipped to do anything in the business? That's right, yeah. With my heart in my mouth.

When you go for a job, they say, can you do it? You say, of course I can do it. That's what I did and got away with it. And you were telling me, I mean, this is, how old are you now? I just turned 90 last month. Oh, geez. I appeared in the stage version of Mary Poppins when it came out here as the old banker. And this time I didn't need any makeup.

I don't feel 90. It's funny. I think it's all in your head. 13 emotionally, probably. But I just don't feel it. Yeah. I mean, when you came out, I mean first uh I and I think another secret to you having so much energy is you have this attractive much younger wife yeah yeah as a matter of fact she booked this podcast she's she's the one behind

everything yes thank you your whole attitude and everything about you is young. Well, all my friends my age are dead, so I have young friends. Incidentally, you have also a beautiful wife. I just saw her on there. He does. Gorgeous. See, you're a dog. I have a good eye.

Since we're talking about Dick's birthday, we should also point out that you just turned 90, and there's some wonderful video online of you singing. There's a flash mob at the Grove in L.A. Tell us what happened. I went out on my birthday. Disney had me out at Disneyland. Yeah. And I had a parade.

We got to sing for them. And my wife, again, put it all together. But it was the cherry on the top. I'll have to retire. I can't top it. It was the cherry on the top. It was the best day of my life. Just, God, what a good time.

And you were saying you have a son who's 65. He's going to be 66 in May, yeah. who's 65. It's going to be 66 in May, yeah. And at the moment, he is in the Chilean Andes on a bicycle riding 1,500 miles through the Andes Mountains.

So this, like, runs in the family. I guess so. Yeah. I wouldn't do that at any age. Now, what I want to know is when you have a son who's 65, do you still look upon it as your little boy?

Oh, sure. Yeah. To me, they never grew up. I said, you can't be 65 because I'm 65. And the other ones, I have two daughters. All of them into their middle age now. And I've got great grandkids, which I. Oh, geez. Yeah Yeah a lot of them.

That'll be you one day soon Gil. I want to ask Dick about that painting behind him of Buster Keaton. Is that a painting I'm looking at? Yeah there's a Buster Keaton and a Stan Laurel. And Stan Laurel. A friend of mine painted that. I had a little polaroid of Stan sitting backstage in Birmingham, England. He and Ollie went on a tour there.

And a friend of mine took it and made that great painting. You know, I have the bow tie that Stan left me. I was going to get the derby, and the derby disappeared after the funeral. We haven't seen it since. Somebody's got it. Now, tell us the story about how you got in touch with Stan Laurel. I was looking up a phone number one day, and I just came across it said Stan Laurel. And I thought, it can't be.

And I called him up, and it was Stan Laurel. And he had seen our show, and I went to visit him that Sunday and went over there a lot. And, you know, a lot of comedians made that pilgrimage to his house. Danny Kaye, Jerry Lewis, all of us went and talked to Stan. Wonderful guy. And I think you said to him that you admitted you stole a lot from him. I said that on the phone. I said, you know, I stole a lot of your acting.

He said, yes, I know. Imitation is the sincerest form. He was a great guy. Did he ever give you any kind of advice as far as comedy and performing? No, he didn't. I asked him a million questions. At one point on the old Dick Van Dyke show, we did a Laurel and Hardy sketch,

and I asked him to come down, and you'll be technical advisor. And he had had a slight stroke, which nobody noticed, but he wouldn't come down. So after the show was on the air, I called him and said, what did you think? He gave me like 45 minutes of notes. Oh, jeez.

I said, now you tell me. He had cufflinks that were paper clips. He had taken the heels off his shoes to give him that stance and that walk and a whole lot of things that he could have told me before the show. And how did he, you know, you always hear about these teams like Abbott and Costello, Martin and Lewis, who sounded like they hated each other. How did he and Ali get along, Oliver Hardy? Great. Absolutely great.

He thought Ali was the funniest man he'd ever seen. They got along great. Stan did all the writing, all the directing, and Ali liked to play golf. And he liked to be out by four. and Ollie liked to play golf, and he liked to be out by four. So whenever Stan wanted to do that slow burn of the camera, you know, the hmm-hmm, he waited until then and told him, you can't play golf for a while.

And then they did all the closest when he was really pissed off. Yeah. That's like real method acting. Yes, it is. Yeah. He got it out of him. You know, he still had a little portable typewriter. He sat and wrote sketches for he and Ollie every day. He had boxes full of sketches he wrote for SNL, S-N-O rather.

But nobody ever found them. Would I love to have those? Oh, my God, yeah. You're the third guest we've had, Dick, that looked Stan Laurel up in the phone book. Is that right? Tom Leopold is a comedy writer that we had on the show, and your friend Chuck McCann, I think, looked Stan up in the phone book. Chuck McCann does the best Stan Laurel impression of anybody.

Yeah. Oh, Ollie, you mean. And he also does Ollie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. And I think you're, I don't know, guess maybe five or six who knew Buster Keaton. That's right. Yes. I got to meet Buster.

He lived out in Thousand Oaks in a little, like a quarter of an acre. He was very shy, very shy. I went one Sunday afternoon sitting with his wife, Eleanor, and he kept walking around outside looking in the windows. And I said, you know, is he coming in? He said, he'll be here. Finally, he comes in. He's got his hat on and a ukulele.

And he said, oh, Mr. Don't, don't care of a line of moon. Won't you shine a light on? He sang a song for me. And we were in the kitchen. I, of course, had a million questions. I said, you remember when you put your foot up on a table, then you put the other foot on the table and hung there for a moment before you fell. And he, he did it for me in the kitchen. He must've been 65 years old. He did that for me. And it's, it's interesting, like his way of communicating with you was by

performing. Yeah. He would, didn't have a lot to say. Out in the back of his yard, he had a little picnic table, and along the fence, a railroad track. You had to sit at the table. He would make the hot dogs, put them in a little toy train, and toot-toot and deliver the hot dogs. That's great. That was Buster Keaton. He had a handmade pool cue with his name on it, which he gave me.

I have that memento from him. I wanted the hat, but he was buried with it. But he was. I heard you interviewed about Buster, Dick. You said he broke every bone in his body at various points. Is that true? Exactly. Yeah, in the, what was the train of the great?

The general. Yeah, he broke his neck and kept working that day. He said at one time or another he broke every bone in his body. Amazing. I heard that his parents, when he was little, they built a harness. That's right. With a handle on it and just threw them around. Now, I mean, they'd be in jail.

Oh, yeah. And I heard that Houdini saw them and said to the father, he said, you should call that kid Buster. Is Houdini giving him the name? Yeah. Yeah, that's the story. We never heard from Houdini, did we? He gave

him the name. My God. Now, was Buster angry toward the end of his life? He didn't seem to be. He had had a real drinking problem for a while. No, he was. I don't think he was angry.

I think Stan didn't show it. But, you know, his name, the name Roland Hardy was taken away. They had nothing. They own nothing. Not their movies, not the rights to them or the name. The clown, Larry Harmon. Yeah. Somehow for $500 bought the name Laurel and Hardy.

He couldn't even use it. So he had no residuals, no part of anything. You know, when they closed down the Hal Roach Studios, they let me loose in the prop department and in the picture department. I couldn't find any props, but I came out of there with hundreds of great pictures of Laurel and Hardy. Wow. Yeah. As long as we're talking about Buster, I just wanted to ask Dick about the comic, the film

that you and Carl Reiner made together. Oh, the comic, yeah. You saw it? Very few people saw it. Yeah, I think me and Frank are the only two people who saw it. I don't even know if you saw it. It's not on DVD, and it's hard to find. It's very hard to find.

It was based on, you know, loosely on several of those guys. On Harold Lloyd and other guys. Like Buster did in his old age. It was still appearing on television. But he was a turd. He was an ass. You know, he was not a nice guy. Yeah, you're shown as like this angry guy cheating on his wife

and everything. At the end, he's walking through Sardis as an old man and saying, hi, and they're saying, your fly's open. Your fly's... It's just a joke we put into the last minute, which a lot of that movie was. And Mickey Rooney

was in that. Great. Who did Mickey Rooney play? turpin yes ben turpin the cockeyed yes yeah right right yeah because i remember mickey rooney going you know the minute they stop laughing at this that's when the world started killing each other his sinuses ran constantly from that eye, bothered him so badly. And I kept saying, he's funnier than I am because he's short. I'm too tall to be funny, which was Carl Reiner's line. But it's true.

All those guys were short. And I remember that there was one part of the movie, and this really struck me, where you do a pratfall, and it's supposed to be that now you're older. And you do the pratfall and everyone goes, oh, and then they get worried. Well, then we do a 180. Yes. Yeah. I worked with Mickey again, you know, on the night of the museum.

Oh, my God. Yes. Yeah. Right. Sure. I would urge our listeners to try to find that film. I mean, it's on VHS, but it's, you know, it's not available on DVD, the comic, and it's a shame. I was

proud of it because I thought it was really authentic about those times. We shot a lot of black and white footage, which was never used. Yeah. Just went out in the car and I chased fire engines. Now, you are not the original choice, oddly enough, for the Dick Van Dyke show. No, well, Carl Reiner was the original. And Sheldon Leonard said,

the script is good, just get a better actor. The story is that Johnny Carson was up for it, but I don't think he was ever even considered. His name came up. But I got in there fast. Yeah, Carl Reiner wrote it about himself. Right. He's a comedy

writer, and he's got a wife and kids. But that didn't work. Did you ever see that pilot? No. I've seen it. He plays an overly nervous kind of angst ridden guy. It isn't right.

It's interesting to see Morty Gunty in the Buddy Sorrell part. Morty Gunty. You would have been great in that. In that role, yeah. Oh, thank you. In Maury's role, wouldn't they? Yeah. Absolutely.

Wow, thank you. Yeah. Absolutely. Which brings us to Maury Amsterdam. Tell us about Maury Amsterdam. He was one of the sweetest guys in the world. And he and Rosemary, I learned timing from. Both of them had razor sharp

timing. Rosie was so good. Maury, wrote words to our song. Yes. Can you please sing that? I'd be happy to. Let her rip, Dick. They were never published.

We sing them our quartet. So it goes, So you think that you've got trouble? Well, trouble's a bubble. So tell old Mr. Trouble to get lost. Why not hold your head up high and stop crying? Start trying. And don't forget to keep your fingers crossed. When you find the joy of living is loving and giving,

you'll be there when the winning dice are tossed. A smile is just a frown that's turned upside down. So smile and that frown will defrost. And don't forget to shake your fingers. And I fall over the... I don't do that part, though. Wow. He wrote that.

Nice work. So did he make... Was this one of those deals where he made money every time it got played or they didn't have it? I think he wrote about Mexico. Drama and Coca-Cola, go down point, Cumana, both mother and daughter. He wrote that. It was a big hit. Wow.

And Yucca Puck. Is that an Andrew Sturgeon song? Oh, yes. Yucca Puck. He would sing in between his jokes. That's right. Can you sing some of Yuck-a-Puck? He was probably the richest man in America and nobody knew it.

Yeah. He owned a parking garage on 57th Street in New York, constantly on the phone with his broker. But what a nice man. Yeah, because, I mean, he would tell, like, dumb jokes, funny dumb jokes. Oh, yeah. Like the kind of Henny Youngman.

Well, he had a Rolodex in his head of jokes. He started out warming up the audience. But unfortunately, if he saw somebody of a minority group, those jokes would go through. And sometimes it's just, you know, Chinese jokes. He was also a real artist on the cello. He really could play beautifully. He never did.

Because I remember on the cello, he'd start singing yuck-a-puck. Right. Were there other words to yuck-a-puck? Yuck-a-puck? I don't think so. I think that was it. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast, but first, a word from our sponsor.

Hey, Dick, when Sheldon Leonard had to tell Carl that he was wrong for the pilot that he'd written for himself, was it Sheldon that had seen you in Bye Bye Birdie and knew that you were the guy, or was it Carl? Both of them, I think, came. I didn't even know they were there. Carl had seen me in Bye Bye Birdie, and I got a week off and came out and did the pilot. Carl had seen me in Bye Bye Birdie. And I got a week off and came out and did the pilot. I had had a script of my own I was peddling,

kind of a Jacques Tati thing about a guy on a scooter in Europe. A lot of physical comedy. And Carl sent me about eight scripts, and I just threw mine out the window of writing. You know, he wrote the first series, all 39 shows himself. Wow. Before he ever called in anybody. Yeah, tell us about Carl Reiner. He's a genius.

My favorite human in the world. He sat down, he wrote 39 episodes. And we used to do that many every year. You know, now it's 20. And then he called in Billy Persky and Sam Danoff and Gary Marshall, wonderful writers. And Jerry Belson. And Jerry, yeah.

Yeah, Marshall and Belson. My God, it was a great team of writers. And you've remained friends with Carl Reiner for all these years. Oh, yeah. I go by and see him every once in a while. He's still writing. Wow. He just sits at that typewriter and turns out books.

Still, he and Mel Brooks, of course, are still very close. And both of them, you know, are up in years, but as sharp as ever. And because I was reading your book, Keep Moving. Get that plug in there. You've got to get that plug in there and you gotta get it and i i actually there was one part where you talk about like your long life and all the historical events oh yeah that happened and you rate them like a teacher like one gets an a another gets an f. And there was one part, I was reading it on a plane and I laughed out loud. You said,

1925, Mein Kampf, written by Adolf Hitler, is published. Haven't read it, don't plan to. That was the year I was born, 1925. The Empire State Building started in 20, I'm as old as the Empire State Building. Oh, wow. It looks a little better than I do.

So you still— I loved your joke. You said that Hitler's son was arrested for child molestation. Yes. Yeah, I said that—I read somewhere that Hitler had a grandson who was a convicted child molester. Imagine being the embarrassment to the Hitler family. Isn't that great? Imagine being the Hitler who the other Hitlers don't talk about.

Yes. What a great concept. I got to tell you, when I heard that Dick Van Dyke wanted to do my show, my first thought was, oh, no, he's senile. Yeah. He's totally lost it. I told you earlier the line that I remembered

that he did from years ago. Do you think back in the 1400s, people walked around saying, boy, this is a long time ago. Stephen Wright couldn't think of that. This to me is something I can't believe. So you actually are

familiar. You've seen me on TV and stuff. Oh, yeah. I've never seen you live, though, in a club, right? No. Do you still work clubs at all? Oh, yeah. Well. Yeah, I'll be working when I'm out here.

But that amazes me. Why? I love comedy. You're one of the experts. Oh, jeez. I like to watch. Who's our friend? Brody Stevens.

Brody Stevens. His act is about dying on stage. Work with me, people. Populous energy. Very funny guy. And, oh, you told another funny story. You said when you, Carl, and brooks have been friends for years and one time during one of your visits to sid caesar you and mel were walking out oh yeah it was always

uh all of his friends as sid you know wasn't he couldn't really communicate he was in a wheelchair but we'd go and I'll keep him company. So I think my wife and I were the only Gentiles there. And we were leaving. Mel said, you seem to like the company of Jews. Everybody would have to tell a joke. And I would be doing them. I would tell Gentile jokes.

The only guy. I would be doing them. I would tell Gentile jokes. The only guy. Now, and you were saying your brother, Jerry, who now he he did a show that was one of those strangest shows. My mother had the car. Yes. Could you tell us the premise of that show?

I don't know what the premise was. It was he had an old Model A or something, and somehow his mother communicated with him from the grave through that car. Voiced by Ann Southern. Yeah, his mother died and was like somehow came back as a car. As a car. Which sounds like the worst idea in the history of television. He keeps telling people that he was offered Gilligan's Island and this one, and that I told him to take that one.

It's not true. But he blames me for that show. How's he doing, Dick? How's Jerry doing? Not too well. He was in an auto accident down in Arkansas. I think he's hospitalized right now. I haven't heard. I don't know how well

he is, but he's doing okay. Very funny man. I was telling Gilbert he has a funny bone. He's funny inside. He can't help it. He doesn't need material. He's just funny. Loved him on the Van Dyke show as the sleepwalker. Yeah.

That was true. Now in real life. Yeah, he was a real sleepwalker when he was a kid. He'd leave the house and wander around town. Almost got thrown out of the army. But he finally got over it. But anything you mentioned to Carl that happened in your life, he would

make a script up. Awful other shows were based on true stories. And I heard one time you had to stop him. He was going to leave the house naked, sleepwalking. He had my dad's golf clubs on his shoulder. I said, where are you going? He said, I'm going to play golf. But he got to the place that he knew he was sleepwalking.

And he could tell you. But he got to the place that he knew he was sleepwalking. And he could tell you. He was clear across town in his pajamas, knocked on somebody's door, and just said, I'm sleepwalking. Could you call my parents to come and get me? Isn't that odd? That's how you can split your brain like that. Very strange. Yeah.

Got to ask you about the Van Dyke show as long as we're talking about it. Now, Sheldon had seen you in Bye Bye Birdie. Carl had seen you in Bye Bye Birdie. They give you the lead part. And then the search is on to find your wife, to find the Laura character. And they auditioned a lot of actresses, didn't they? That's right. Including Ivy Brennan. Carl keeps saying when she read, she had a ping.

He said, a ping in her voice, which she did have. And that was it. He grabbed her by the skull and took her into shelter and said, I found her. I was a little worried because she was 12 years younger than I. And she had a kind of, at that time, Catherine Hepburn, kind of a mid-Atlantic accent. But boy, in about three shows, she picked it up and was off to the races. Well, all the more impressive because she'd never done comedy before, really. Never had done comedy.

And you trained yourself to do pratfalls. Well, I watched Buster Keaton through my entire childhood. Well, all these guys, Buster Keaton, Stan Laurel, Charlie Chaplin. Not a good faller. You know who didn't know how to fall was Chevy Chase. He hurt himself a lot. Chevy never tucked and rolled or anything. He would just throw himself in the ground. And he's paying for it today. Throw himself in the ground. And you saw, I mean, you knew there were certain things you had to do.

Right. To do a practice. Yeah. I would practice in the backyard. That's why Carl let me do all the physical stuff I wanted. He would just say five minutes here would be. Now, didn't you call Saturday Night Live? Now, didn't you call Saturday Night Live?

I think someone said you called to warn them to tell someone that Chevy. About Chevy? Yes. I don't think I ever called, but I did try to get in touch with him. He did. He hurt himself. He's got a bad back to this day. When he does his general, he would fall off ladders.

He'd fall down stairs and roll down. Speaking of that, Tim Conway. Oh, yes. He did a pantomime of a man falling upstairs, up the stairs in slow motion. I'm looking for a clip of it. It's one of the most phenomenal things in mime I've ever seen. Maybe Bill Persky has it. He might. He fell up the stairs. We'll try to find it. We'll one of the most phenomenal things in mime I've ever seen. Maybe Bill Persky has it. He might. He fell out the stairs. We'll try to find it for you.

And speaking of that, that gets us to, for a while you were working with Carol Burnett. Yes. And I guess you were in this uncomfortable position there because everybody was going like, where's Harvey Korman?

Of course. I mean, nobody can replace Harvey Korman. And I wasn't supposed to replace him, but the show wasn't the same without him. And I didn't belong in that thing. But Harvey could do a million characters. You know, I'm like Jimmy Stewart. I do me. Like Jimmy Stewart, I do me.

But Carol and I worked together in the 50s in New York on a show called Mike Stokke's Patamime Quiz, where we did play charades, teams. And we had Howie Morris, me, Carol, and somebody else. We never were beaten. We had all kinds of secret little signals. 200 bucks a week. It was paying the groceries back then. Wow. Now, also, you were on a show. I remember it vaguely, but I remember watching it thinking,

oh, this is a show I think I'd enjoy watching every week. And that was Van Dyken Company. Oh, yeah, Bob Einstein. Yeah. Yeah. week and that was van dyken company oh yeah uh bob einstein yeah yeah yeah yeah i think the time for for uh variety shows was kind of over we ran for 12 shows and won an emmy but then introduced the world to andy kaufman that's right we we brought andy kaufman on right he was we'd wait until we were in the middle of a production number or something big, and Andy would walk on and interrupt us and take over the show. A lot of people did not understand Andy.

The writers looked at him and just walked out. This isn't funny. A few people started on that show. I forget some of the names, but I think there were a couple of comics. Yeah, who else? And you told a story where you were going to meet the Queen of England. Yes. Yes.

And so it's like a long line of people. Oh, yeah. I was the last one in line. Sean Connery was next to me. And long line of people. Oh, yeah. I was the last one in line. Sean Connery was next to me and a line of people. And you're told, you know, don't speak unless she says something to you. Bow. And as they were coming to me behind this plush rope over there, Jerry Lewis is standing. And just as she's finishing with Sean and turning to me, he says, hey, Dick.

And I said, what? I said, what? And I turned back and there's the queen. I've always intended to get him. Hilarious. I've got to nail him for that. I just want to ask you a couple other questions about the Van Dyke show, Dick, before we move past it.

You know, and I don't think people know, I don't think too many people know that the show was actually canceled early in the run. The first year, yeah. Yeah. And was it Sheldon and Danny Thomas who went directly to Procter & Gamble? It was Sheldon, yeah. And we re-ran in the summer when we didn't have much competition. We picked up an audience during the summer. Oh, my God. It was one of those, I had just bought a house, moved my family to California.

Now what am I going to do now? And in second, then the show caught fire. Oh, boy, sure did. And I heard. Well, I mean, it's it was very famous. Sensors were extra powerful back then. Yeah. You know, everything was dirty. I know. And I'm now, now Mary used to wear those, I think they were called capri. Capri pants. You bet.

Which was like porn back then. You bet. Every guy remembers her in those capri pants. Well, you know, she had to let them out a little. The network said they were just a little too tight. Oh, wow. I'm not kidding.

And I heard they came up with a term that there was under cupping. Yeah, too much under cupping. That's exactly right. Can you believe that today? Well, we were in twin beds because we were not allowed

to be in the same bed in those days. Yeah, all of those TV shows, you'd have a married couple who had kids. Sleeping in twin beds. Yeah, yeah, but they never slept in the same bed. The first one was Bob Newhart.

He got to sleep in the same bed. But you want to know something? I called him up and said, how did you do that? With Suzanne Plachette. I have a feeling before Bob Newhart, I have a feeling before Bob Newhart, I think the monsters like Herman and Lily slept in the same bed. Yeah, you're right, Bill. Well, they're monsters. It doesn't count.

You know, we were not allowed to say the word pregnant. We did a whole show about her pregnancy, and the word pregnant was not allowed on the air. We did a whole show about her pregnancy, and the word pregnant was not allowed on the air. And I also heard there was a big traumatic incident. Carl Reiner's son, Rob Reiner. I was just going to ask you about that, Gil. Yeah, he'd become meathead and a very gifted director. He once grabbed Mary's ass. Yes, he did.

He was about 15. He and Albert Brooks and I think who was the third guy? Yeah, he actually couldn't help himself. Mary wasn't up. She didn't take umbrage. But you know what?

We got a lot of shows about race that we ran up against the network on. Yes. And Carl would insist. We used to put red herrings, really objectionable material in, that we would fight the network tooth and nail. And they, well, all right, we take it out. But we just planted it so we'd have something for them to concentrate on. Yeah, the one where we did the mixed-up babies. Yeah, our friend Bill Persky in Sam Denhoff's episode.

Exactly. That's my boy. Oh, just getting back to Mary's ass. I knew he was going back. back to Mary's ass. I knew he was going back. I heard eventually Mary complained

to Carl about his son Rob grabbing her ass and Carl was trying to reprimand him but started cracking up laughing. I didn't know that she did she actually complain about it?

I guess so. I never touched her personally. Did you want to? Of course. Everybody in the country wanted to. Now, was there ever anything between you, not physically, but like an attraction? As I say in the book, we are. We had a crush on each other.

Yeah, we really did. It was like high school crush. Well, and Carl wanted you to appear like a couple that had a sex life, didn't he? Well, most of the audience thought we were married in real life, which was a real tribute. Everybody thought we were really married. So we became like an improv group. She could read my mind and I could read hers. We knew what we were doing.

It's just that when that timing fell in, I've never had so much fun. I'd be doing it today if it wasn't me. I've actually heard you say when you talk about Gilbert and I talk a lot about the new Dick Van Dyke show, the one that you did in Arizona with Hope Lang. And I've heard you say that you think that maybe one of the problems with that show is that people perceived you to be cheating on on Laura. Oh, yeah. A lady hit me with her purse in a market. You left that sweet Laura and gave me a smack. That was really stupid.

It was about five or six episodes that I did alone, just by myself, that I'd like to have. They were kind of classic mimes, you know. I did about five of them. I canceled that show myself. And you did a TV movie where you played an alcoholic. Yeah. Which was a very powerful performance. Well, I had done about 20 years worth of research.

And the director was so good, he said, you know what this story is, you just do it. And that movie has been shown in rehab centers. Somebody keeps telling me, they come out of rehab, they show that movie because it doesn't end well.

Yeah. And it kind of scares people. It's kind of, I kind of like that because I was scared they'd have to push in a happy ending. Yeah. We had the,

the council on alcoholism in Washington wanted us to do a happy ending. And it wouldn't have worked. No. It had to have that ending. So you were an alcoholic for like 25 years. Oh, yeah. But I drank at home, so nobody knew it.

Yeah. But you never drank when you were working. No, no, never. No, in the evening. It started because I was shy, you know, and I found if I had a drink or two, I relaxed and became sociable. But it got out of hand without my really realizing it.

So how did it affect your life and career? Did it have any... Actually, no, I don't think it really did. As far as my life is concerned, what happens with an alcoholic, you go from being a happy drunk to kind of a depressed, argumentative. And everything was an argument to me. And I realized I was going through a personality change caused by the alcohol. And that's what really scared me and got me off it.

So that whole happy feeling went away. Yeah. It begins to depress you and you need more, more and more to feel you get the feeling you want, you know, that click or whatever they call it. So, um, that's my story. So was there one day where you said, I mean, it was a combination of bad things, probably. Yeah.

I went to rehab and all that kind of thing, AA. For me, it didn't work. It worked for a lot of people. For me, it just kind of went away. I drank one day, and it tasted funny. I was a little dizzy, and nothing happened. And it just faded away from me. I was a little dizzy. And nothing happened. And it just faded away from me. I was so lucky.

And most people have to go through a lot. Yeah. And you've been sober ever since. Oh, God, yeah. And quitting smoking. Yeah. Tell us about that. I mean, I've had heroin addicts tell me that it's nothing like quitting smoking.

It's the worst. Did you ever smoke?'s nothing like quitting smoking. It's the worst. Did you ever smoke? No. Oh, good. It is so hard. I tried everything. I went to Schick where the treatment was aversion therapy. They put you in a phone booth-sized room with a big wash bucket full of sand.

Smoke an entire pack of cigarettes as fast as you can. So you get dizzy and you salivate. I smoked an entire pack of cigarettes as fast as you can so you get dizzy and you salivate I smoked an entire pack of cigarettes I walked out and said boy what an ordeal and I lit a cigarette oh my god they gave me my money back it's tough it's really hard

now do you chew gum I chew gum Nicorette gum. Yeah. Uh, Nicorette gum. Yeah. I'm addicted to it, but it doesn't affect my lung. So, so you went on to a gum addiction. Yeah. My wife will tell you, I leave a trail. You can tell where I've been with rappers everywhere. Dick, can we ask you about some of the movies? Not the bad ones, I hope. Well, no.

I want to ask you about the Bye Bye Birdie movie. And I want to know if you had mixed feelings about making that movie? Yeah, I did. You know, the show on Broadway was a two-hour romp. It was just a joy. They rewrote some of the songs and changed the story so much. I couldn't understand why. They kind of Hollywoodized it.

You know, it was a great break for, I just went blank. Ann-Margaret. Ann-Margaret, yeah. Right, right. But her part on Broadway was rather small. So that threw it a little out, but made a star out of it. I wanted to ask Dick if that Paul Lynn story in your first book, I read your first book, My Lucky Life, which is wonderful. What was the story? The story about Paul Lynn, and Gilbert knows this story, that Paul Lynn got up and said,

I'm the only one on the movie that does, Gil, can you finish it? I'm the only one on the movie that does. Gil, can you finish it? Oh, so Paul Lynn jumped up and said to Ann-Margaret, I'm the only one here who doesn't want to fuck you. Oh, that was a night. It was my first Hollywood play. I'm sorry I brought it up.

It did happen, yeah. And now, this was what was so weird about that time period, that the world watched Paul Lynn, and you accepted him as a married man with kids. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. That's the only time he ever played one.

But I've seen that show done, of course, a million times because all my friend's kids are doing it and I have to go see it. He's the only one that ever carried off that part correctly. It was written for him. I don't know what, what is it? Until I was through it. What do you go through in your teens? I can't think of the word. Yeah, I don't know what puberty was

until I went through it. He was the funniest drunk I know, too. Oh, yeah. I heard he as far as drinking went. You know, he finally we became friends later in life.

He stopped drinking and smoking and was so happy he was clean and had a massive heart attack and passed away before he was 60, I think. And he was so proud of himself. He all got so clean. One of the funniest guys in the world. I guess he should have stayed drinking and smoking.

That could have been a shock to his body. And when you made the movie, What a Way to Go, did that indirectly lead to Mary Poppins? Because I understand you were giving an interview about the film What a Way to Go. And that it kind of turned in a direction away from what you had planned it to, the direction you wanted it to go in. And you wound up giving an interview about family films that Walt Disney saw. That's right. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that was the movie.

Yeah, I said something about the dearth of good family entertainment, and that's why Walt called me. I thought it was because I was such a good singer and dancer. Now, are you allowed in England after Mary Poppins? You've got... They only talk about your Cockney accent. Did you see the tweet? Which?

Judy Dench and Jeremy Irons, a bunch of really prestigious actors, were asked who did the worst British accent in the history of movies? And I won hands down. Sorry, Dick. So I said. Well, it goes in and out.

Yeah. It's an honor to be number one. Sometimes it's there and sometimes it disappears. I know. I was working with an entire cast of British actors. Not one person ever said, you know, you ought to work on that. Nobody ever said, not Jewelry? Now they tell me.

I was so busy singing and dancing. But the one person I remember actually sticking up for you in an interview was Anthony Hopkins. About my accent? Yeah, he said he didn't care at all about the accent. He just thought you were great in a part. I've always said, see, everybody thought it was Cockney. It was from a little shire up in the north of England that had been settled by people from Ohio.

Now, can I ask you to do some of the Cockney accent? I don't remember any of the... Yeah. I tried to write them back and say, I'm in front of you, I talk. I tried to do that. Some of those lines you couldn't say, like I was supposed to say the Lord Mayor.

How do you say that in Cockney? Lord Mayor? I couldn't do it. I tried everything. Some things just don't fit. You gotta have that glottal stop, you know. As a matter of fact, I was offered the part of

Fagin in the movie, Oliver Twist. And I couldn't handle the Cockney accent. And I didn't do it. That's good trivia. Ron Moody was pretty good But he can't dance Right, that's right

And we're going to make a musical The choreographer had already gone to London And designed all the dance steps for me But the director just said Nope And the guy who Helped you with your Cockney accent was an Irishman. Yes.

Pat O'Malley. He came over to my house one evening after dinner, and we ran through it, and that was it. That was my coaching. Was that the famous character actor, J. Pat O'Malley? J. Pat O'Malley. Oh, he had a big career. Oh, yes, yes. But he wasn't a Cockney.

He was in everything. And I bought all the records, and they're no good. The T-shirt. Oh, he had a big career. Oh, yes, yes. But he wasn't a cockney. He was in everything. And I bought all the records, you know, and they're no good. The T-shirt, terrible. And so I guess this was an Irishman's revenge against the English. I'll never understand why somebody didn't say something to me during that show. I'll never understand why somebody didn't say something to me during that show. And you, I heard you every morning, every, you wake up singing. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really good for you. Yeah. And you don't, I don't sing very well, but I don't care. You know, I like to sing. I've got a quartet, the three young guys, and it's the joy of my life, harmonizing. I sing in stores, in the bank. If it's got a good tile floor, I tap dance.

Good for you. Usually my wife has got her phone out, and I'm out on the web all the time. Hey, can we sing together? Yeah. Because I have some of your lyrics written down. Lyrics? Yeah. Okay. Okay. What are we singing?

Let me... Podcasting history is about to be made. Okay. Okay. No pressure, Dick. This is... This is like we're in a home.

Okay, put on a happy face. Oh, you're ready? Yes. You pick your key. I'll go with you. He doesn't have a key. You talk about an untrained singer. Gray skies are going to clear up.

Put on a happy face. Brush off the clouds and cheer up. Put on a happy face. Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy. It's not your style. You look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile. Pick out a pleasant outlook. Stick out that noble chin.

Wipe off that full-upped outlook. Slap on a happy grin. And spread sunshine all over the place. Just put on a happy face. Great skies are gonna clear up. Have you got another quote? Just put on a happy

face. Brush off the clouds and cheer up. Put on a happy face. And if you're feeling cross and bickery, don't sit and whine. Think of banana splits and licorice and you'll feel fine. I know a girl so gloomy she'd never laugh or sing.

She wouldn't listen to me. Now she's a mean old thing. So spread sunshine all over the place. Just put on a happy face. Almost got harmony there. I don't know who was worse. That is pop history. Wow.

Dick, I think you found something worse than your Cockney accent. What? I think you just heard something worse than your Cockney. See, my singing is hated in all countries. We're going to get a lot of mail on that. That probably never worked again. Talk a little bit real quick about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Sort of another compromised experience for you.

Compromising? No, I mean a compromised experience. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Yeah. Well, they offered it to me. I had turned it down a few times simply because it didn't have Walt Disney, you know, who is the genius behind all those great movies. But they got the Sherman Brothers who wrote the score, Mark and Eddie Bro, who did the choreography.

So we finally ended up doing it. And it turned out so much better than I thought. We had a ended up doing it. And it turned out so much better than I thought. We had a great time doing it. I think Mary Poppins took three months to shoot. This took like two years. But the sun doesn't shine in England. So some of the scenes where we're driving the Chitty Bang Bang is in France and they're vineyards. Obviously not England. We're driving to Chitty Bang Bang is in France. And they're vineyards. Obviously not England. We're driving around France pretending we're in England. I've told this story the first day

on the set of Chitty. I'm sitting in makeup and I see the director of motion to the makeup guy. And I hear him say, what are we going to do about the hooter? And the makeup guy says, I'm not a plastic surgeon.

I went to work with a lot of confidence that day. But I still got it. Hooter was a nose. Your nose is your hooter. Yeah, I'm proud of my nose. I take one breath and that's it for the day. I mean, I think of Hooters another way, but that's... Yes, you would, wouldn't you?

Yeah. And I'll let you do the dirty joke about your name. Oh, people are still telling me that joke. And it came out in the Playboy joke magazine in the 60s. Yeah. It's been around that long, but people still like it. Okay, tell the joke. I don't know the joke.

I just know the punchline. That they say Dick Van Dyke is another way of saying penis van lesbian. That's right. Yeah. I've heard Mary Tyler Moore tell that joke on television. Mary told it? She told it on the Letterman Show. Why, that little brat.

Years ago. As a matter of fact, they found several good jokes over time on that joke page. I forget what the other one was. I can't remember. Dick and Dyke, you know, you're wide open. remember but dick and dyke you know you're wide open dick and dyke are wide open we will return to gilbert gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this you know gill i'd love to ask dick about some of the other classic comedians that he worked with the people whose names have come up on our show, like Ed Wynn.

Oh, yeah, Ed. But he was very, very quiet. He rarely talked. I don't think he was that well. He was probably not my age. But he had a little portable radio, which you always had with him. Never heard him listen to it. One day I was looking at him.

He opened up and like a little bottle of rye in there. That he carried with him. Now, can you do an Edwin imitation? No. He was, I loved the laugh. I feel, he had that, that was his delivery always. I remember him on the Texaco Theater on television. And he was very big in vaudeville. And then I worked with Burt Lahr.

Yeah, I was just going to ask you about Burt Lahr. Girls Against the Boys, right? What? Girls Against the Boys. The Girls Against the Boys. Two big weeks on Broadway and out. But I worked with Nancy Walker, who had a great... But Burt was a worrier.

You know, I thought, I'm meeting the Cowardly Lion. But when he'd done a punchline, everybody on the stage had to freeze. Everybody had to freeze while he did this. The punchline was always out to the audience. I mean, he was funny. Now, you must have worked with Edwin's son, Kenan Wynn. Never. No.

I think I met him once, yeah. Yeah, he was a pretty good actor, Kenan. Oh, very good. I did not know Kenan. Yeah, good second banana. What about Red Fox? You made a TV movie with the legendary Red Fox. Don't ask.

Okay. There's nothing you can tell on the air. How about you got to meet two more heroes, both Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire. Oh, yeah. My great story is that one morning when we were doing the Van Dyke show, I was driving on the freeway, and Bob, the guy, the disc jockey, was interviewing Fred Astaire. And he said, what do you think about today's crop of dancers?

And he complimented the young man who had been in West Side Story. And he said, I like the way Dick Van Dyke moves. I almost drove off of the freeway. Wow. And I got to the studio and I said, did you hear what I said? Nobody. And to this day I've never run into anybody that heard it

But it happened Bob Crane, that's right Oh, who was later Had his own Hogan's Heroes Talk about a strange idea for a TV show Yeah When I first got out here

When I had $16 I would go to Santa Anita And bet $2 on a horse. Astaire loved horses. At the 100, I would follow him up to hear who he was going to bet on. But during that time, I learned to walk. Because I'm walking behind him. I got that walk down. Which I had all the time.

Did you know any of, and this is going totally off track, did you know any of the old horror stars? No. No. Never met one. Boris Karloff, I would love to admit. Yeah. Elsa Lanchester was in Mary Jane's car.

Oh. Oh, she was. That's right. Oh, that's right. Elsa Lanchester was Mrs. Franken's car. Oh. Oh, she was. That's right. Oh, that's right. That was a Lanchester. Mrs. Frankenstein. Mrs. Frankenstein. I forgot that.

You're right. I did work with one of them. Nice call. Hey, can I torture you some more? And sing a little bit of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Is this your singing debut? Yes. No, Dick, he sings on every episode.

I've sadly sung on other shows. He does. Okay. Oh, you can see without the... Oh, here. I'm looking like I never sung the words before. It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious.

If you say it loud enough, you always sound precocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Then you got to go. Um-di-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li. Um-di-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li. Um-di-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li. Because I was afraid to speak when I was just a lad. My father gave me nose a tweak and told me I was bad.

But then one day I learned a word that saved me aching nose. The biggest word I ever heard. And this is how it goes. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. If you say it loud enough, you always sound precocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

I'm delirious. I'm delirious. Actually, you have to go up a half to it goes up a little, but never mind. He traveled all around the world and everywhere he went. He'd say this special word. He'd use his word and would say, there's a clever gent. When Dukes and Rogers passed the time of day with me, I'd say me special word and then they'd ask me out to tea. That was McCartney, wasn't it?

Yeah, do the rest of McCartney. Not bad at all. I can't. Yeah. Where are we? Yeah, here. You know, the... Even though the sound of it is something atrocious, if you say it loud enough, you always sound precocious,

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Oh, you can't say it. But when the cat got your tongue, there's no need for the smile. Just sum it up this word, and then you got a lot to say. That's the best I can do. That's better than I did in the movie, though. Maybe I can go in and dub the whole movie, do you think? Well.

Yeah, I think, well, no. I think we got an album here. What? Yes. We got an album here. We definitely do. 78. I'd sing every day if you came to my house.

With me. Dick, quickly tell us about Cary Grant coming to visit you backstage. Oh, my God. I wore my own clothes. They let me wear my own suits in Birdie. And I heard that Cary Grant was in the audience. After the show, knock on the door, Cary Grant walks in and brushes me aside and goes over and starts going through my suits.

Is that cute? And I had a best dressed award after six something and he signed it well carrie grant and i value that you know he asked me to do a movie with him and i didn't do it oh my god to this day i don't know what's the matter with me it was one of those what was the movie you know those universal romantic comedies they did with rock Rock Hudson and everybody. I didn't do it. I should have, just so I could say that I had worked with Cary Grant.

I also found it interesting that you turned down the Gregory Peck part in The Omen. I did. Because of the, there was so much violence. People being impaled on things, and I said, geez. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry.

Gilbert, can you picture Dick Van Dyke in the Omen? They couldn't get me, so they got Gregory. Not bad. And I also turned down the Western. Cat Baloo. Oh, wow. They wanted me to do Cat Baloo. Oh, wow. And they turned it down.

They got Lee Marvin. Hey, that ain't bad. I like you in a film that is kind of maligned, Dick, which is Stanley Kramer's film, The Runner Stumbles. Oh, we went through a real thing on that. I was telling Kevin Spade, he sent me this script, and I said, are you crazy? I mean, it's so far over my head. I remember it was deep, pretty heavy drama. A priest in love

with a nun, based on a true story. And I kept saying, I can't. I can't do it. Well, he talked me into it and then he wouldn't help me. I'm working with such good actors and actresses and I'm dying. I just, I stunk to high heaven

like I expected I would. But now I think I could do it today, probably. I've got a little more experience under my belt and I wouldn't be so frightened. It didn't turn out well. I think you're hard on yourself. I don't think it's a bad film at all. Well, I think it's a

pretty good film if somebody else should have played me. There was an article in New Yorker magazine. It said the most wooden performance they had ever seen. Oh, jeez. And it was. Yeah. I had to agree with them. I am going to ask you to sing one more thing.

Maybe I'll let you do this yourself. Because I heard this is like your favorite song to sing every day Oh, what a glorious What is the name of this? Jolly Holiday Jolly Holiday Oh, yeah Yeah

Can you sing some of that for us? Yeah, that's my morning song End of the glorious day Bright as a morning in May I feel like I could fly. Have you ever seen the grass so green? I'm getting hoarse. Or a bluer sky.

Oh, it's a jolly holiday with me. And that's where we do the dance. We do it with our quartet. I'm sorry they're not here. Eric's here with three basses and a tenor. So we switch around parts all the time. Unless we're singing my hits. I love that song.

The Vantastics is the name of the group, right Dick? We sang for the Lakers a couple of times, the national anthem. And every time the guy was saying, here they are, the Vantastix. It's the fantastic. Are we out of questions? We could be. I want to say one thing, Dick, in your book, in your new book, which, again, we should plug, Keep Moving.

And what's the full title? Keep Moving. Tips and Truth about aging. Tips and truths about aging. They never will use my titles. I wanted to call how to act when you're circling the drain. I like that. Yeah.

Is that a better title? They called me and I said, it'll be a very short book. Keep moving. That's what it's about. I sat down and started to write with Todd, my school writer. And a lot of stuff came out. I was surprised. Once I got on a roll, I found I had a lot to say.

In particular, there's a passage in the book where you're talking about the importance of younger generations sitting and listening to the stories of older generations. That's right. They don't anymore. It's one of the reasons that Gilbert and I put this show together is to hear those stories. Exactly. They don't venerate old people anymore. But the Who has a song, I Hope I Die Before I Get Old. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That's it. It's so bad because I try to tell them it's a great time of life. I'm having the best time ever. A beautiful young wife. I sing and dance every day. I'm on podcasts. Yes.

You got to harmonize with Gilbert Gottfried. A rare privilege. Thanks for sharing your story. Oh, I loved it. We're very grateful. Are there any quick tips you can give us to getting older gracefully? Don't ever start going down the stairs sideways. Because that's what people do to favor their knees.

That starts the back, and that's when people do to favor their knees that starts the back and that's when everything starts to go they start going down the stairs sideways i see it even if it hurts a little go down the stairs front ways i mean that's real advice you'll find out i'm telling the truth yeah does dick have one more song in him to take us out you'll find out. I'm telling the truth. Does Dick have one more song in him to take us out? You were singing a song right before we were recording. Oh, no, you were singing, actually, of old things,

a Billy Joel song. A what? Oh, he was singing New York State of Mind. Oh, yeah. I don't know. But I think it's a heck of a song. What? Oh, he was singing New York State of Mind. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I just be, but I think it's a heck of a song. Okay.

How about the one you just did for your birthday party with the flash mob? What did they do? We did Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, didn't we? No, you did go,

you also did Go Fly a Kite. Oh, okay. With tuppence for paper and string, you can have your own set of wings. With your feet on the ground, you're a bird in flight. With your fist holding tight to the swing of your kite, I'm too high. Oh, let's go fly a kite up to the highest height.

Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring. Why am I doing this? It's so high. I got horses. I'm clear out of my own range. And this is ridiculous to ask you, and you could tell me to go F myself. You're not going to ask him to trip over the ottoman, are you, Gil? No.

Could you show me any dance moves? No. I don't know any standard anything. I do what the choreographer tells me. Oh, yeah? So I think we should end it with us singing this part, you know, the classic supercalifragile. You want to do this first?

Yes, yes. Okay, can we sing it a little lower? I'm hurting myself. Let's hear some Dick singing this time, Gil. Okay, I'll try. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious.

If you say it loud enough, you always sound precocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Hey, good. Oh, God. I think I made a good chimney sweep. Oh, thank you. I just sang with Dick Van Dyke. Oh, hot damn.

And I think I came. Oh, folks, I wish this was in New York. It's late. Oh, Lord. It's late Oh lord So I guess Is that it? That's it I'm gonna throw my pants in the wash And I'm gonna say

This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast With my co-host Frank Santopadre. And we've been talking to the great Dick Van Dyke. Thank you. I really enjoyed this. I'll come on again. We should rehearse first with our little duet. Like for three or four days.

You'll come on again and I'll come again. Okay, thanks. I really appreciate you coming out to my house. Oh, no problem. Like a party. Oh, thanks. Thank you, Dick.

Thank you. My pleasure. Our five-four-fendered friend You're sweet as a thoroughbred Your seats are a feathered bed You'll turn everybody's head to lay We'll glide on our motor trip With pride in our ownership

The envy of all we survey Oh, Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang, we love you And Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang, what we'll do Be it Chitty, Fart, Chitty Chitty, Bang bang, We love you, and Chitty you, Chitty pretty, Chitty bang bang, Chitty Chitty, Bang bang, What we'll do, We'll Chitty far, Chitty in a little car, Or whatever time we spend, Bang bang, Chitty Chitty, Bang bang, A fine four fender friend, Bang bang, Chitty Chitty, Bang bang, A fine four fender friend, Chitty Chitty, Bang bang, Chitty Chitty, Bang bang, Fine four fender, Chitty Chitty friend.