Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Battle of the Network Stars!

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

GGACP celebrates the opening ceremony of the 2024 Summer Olympics by revisiting Gilbert and Frank's "tribute" to a slightly different (but no less entertaining) athletic competition, ABC's "Battle of the Network Stars." In this episode, Billy Crystal runs an obstacle course, Victor Buono sends up Raymond Burr, Telly Savalas locks horns with Robert Conrad and Gilbert tells one of the funniest jokes of all time. PLUS: "Murder by Death"! "Celebrity Bowling"! Wonder Woman takes a dip! Wayne Newton sings “Rhinestone Cowboy”! And "The Network Battle of the T's & A's"! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit mx.ca slash ymx. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash y amex.

Benefits vary by card, other conditions apply. TV comics, movie stars, hit singles and some toys. Trivia and dirty jokes. An evening with the boys. Once is never good enough for something so fantastic So here's another Gilbert and Franks Here's another Gilbert and Franks Colossal Classic Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried and this is Gil and I'm here with my co-host.

See I still fuck up. One day, this has only been 787 of these and I still can't get through it without a mistake. But I'm still Gilbert Gottfried and this is Gilbert and Frank's amazing, colossal obsessions, of course, with my co-host, Frank Santopadri. We're both a little punchy, I think, at this point. I did a little research from last week. We should update people that you talked last week about a Bob Hope special.

Joys. Joys. See, Jaws was like the biggest film in the world at the time. It was a surprise like, you know, just a gigantic film, Jaws, when it came out. 75. And so Bob Hope, not at the prime of his career. Ha ha ha ha ha. Decided, he and his writers decided to make Jaws.

That was a takeoff on Jaws with any comedian who wasn't working. Anyone who was alive. Last week we were talking about you were reading the whole cast, which I still have here. It's an insane cast. Yeah, it's an insane cast. I did a lot of research on it. I mean, here's the cast.

I found a couple of things. I found out that a DVD may in fact be available. So I have to track it down. I know that will make you happy. You were talking about... Or make me want to kill myself. Either one. It sounds like one of those TV specials that... You were saying you brought up Mike Connors, Mannix, and you were saying, oh, he's always

funny. Yes. But I figured out why Mike Connors is in it. Because Mike Connors was playing Mannix. Angie Dickinson was playing Pepper from Police Woman. Yeah. And David Jansen is in it, because he was playing Harry O. Remember the series Harry O?

Oh my god, yes. And Jim Hutton played Ellery Queen. And Telly Savalas played Kojak. Part of the conceit of this sane thing was that, plus that as these murders are taking place at Bob's house, he reaches out to six famous television detectives. Oh, oh, oh no. Just solve the murder., and they were playing all the current TV detectives. I think Burt Young was playing Columbo.

Right, and Victor Bono was supposed to be Cannon? Yes, and I guess Jamie Farr and John Beiner was Starsky and Hutch. Oh God, I remember this thing. Yeah. What was the name of this? I don't know. We have to get Paul.

Paul is here. Oh my God. So it was really like a TV version of Murder by Death. Yes. Whereas Murder by Death, they were playing great movie sloots. Yeah, these were great TV. It was very creepy.

We gotta find the name of that. While Paul is looking that up, Victor Buono and John Beiner. John Beiner. B-Y-N-E-R. Jamie Farr. But you got, this, I'm gonna- Put down Detective.

Did you tell me, as we were talking about Joys last week, that Vincent Price introduced the whole thing, that Vincent Price did the wraparound? And it is about a human shark committing murders against comedians. Oh! In Bob Hope's house. Oh!

Which makes those. Oh, geez. See, now it really is like one of those train wrecks. Yeah. It really is like one of those those train wrecks because I I I know it will haunt me for the rest of my life But I have to see the dead bodies. He found it and oh what was okay? Okay? I wait go ahead hang on He's putting on his glasses murder can hurt you Wow What was the cast?

Okay, let's see if I could. Murder Can Hurt You cast, okay. Oh, Don Adams, voice only. Marty Allen. Wow. Victor Bono. John Beiner. Tony Danza.

Jamie Farr. Gavin McLeod. Wow. Buck Owens. Oh, Buck Owensarr, Gavin McLeod, Buck Owens. Oh, Buck Owens must have been McLeod. Liz Torres, Jimmy Walker, Burt Young. Wow, incredible. Mitchell Crandell.

What's the year on that? Oh, oh God, it must have been 70. 1980. So it's like a murder by death knockoff. Somebody said some development executive or somebody said oh it worked for murder by death with movie detectives. Oh, and remember on a previous, a very recent previous colossal podcast, I mean colossal obsessions, I said, cause we were talking about glasses, eyeglasses, and I said something about cheaters, and I said, I found out, I just taped it.

I've taped, yeah, I taped it, I still have, I have an old tape recorder. You got a Betamax? I have an old tape recorder where you gotta put the tape in the spool and it goes. When you're rewinding. No, I accidentally recorded an episode of Thriller with Boris Karloff. Oh, sure. Sure.

I have a bunch of them on DVD. And they had the Cheaters episode. Wow. Because it was like he gets a pair of glasses that he can read people's minds with. I barely remember that. And Ed Nelson was in it. Oh, yeah. Mildred Dunn that. Yeah, and Ed Nelson was in it. Oh yeah.

Mildred Dunnock. Oh, and Jack Weston. Jack Weston. Yeah. Listen to this, this is the description. And as sure as my name is Boris Karloff, it's us we love. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Here is a brief description of Joy's, and I urge you to go to the Paley Center for Media website, and you can read this for yourself. A television comedy special featuring Bob Hope and a number of comedians in a murder mystery parody, Vincent Price introduces a mystery story about a human shark that commits murders against comedians. Oh! That was with Bob, but Jerry Colona is the first to go.

Oh my God! Bob speaks with some of his guests, such as Don Rickles, Don Knots, and Dean Martin to try to figure out what's going on But they offer no help. Phyllis Diller comes to investigate and discovers only a mustache and a black glove where Jerry Colona used to be. Oh! David Jansen deduces much information about the killer after examining the glove but is also killed. And then it goes on to add a Bogota, Glenn Campbell, George Burns and George Goble and Jimmy Walker are killed.

Wow! I mean, for some reason, Wayne Newton shows up and sings Rhinestone Cowboy. Which is made all the more bizarre by the fact that Glenn Campbell's in the show. And I'll bet you... He doesn't sing his own song. This has got to be one of those movies, TV movies, where, like, you could tell everyone is shot separately. Yes, like The Roasts. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, and you read the cast last week. This has the writers' names, so we're actually going to cast last week We got it this has the writers names So we're actually gonna try to I think we're gonna actually try to find one of these writers Oh, I got the real story on this Bob Hope Don Adams Jack Albertson Marty Allen Desi Arnaz Billy Barty It's insane Pat Butchram who you said was Pat Buchanan Sammy Khan Glenn Campbell does not sing rhinestone cowboy Charo Artie Johnson Alan King Fred McMurray it the groucho turns up Vincent Price

Yeah, I hurry ritz in in in I heard like Well like Steve Stollier who lived who worked with Groucho our former he said in in his book that He said in his book that he, I think he either went there and watched them film it or just saw it on, I think he watched them film it and said to the producer like, oh well, Groucho wasn't bad. And the producer said, what, have you never seen Groucho Marx before in your entire life that you thought that was good? Well the release date on this, and we touched on this last week, is March 5th, 1976. It ran on a Friday at 8.30. Groucho would be dead by August of the following year.

Oh! So what has he got? A little year and a half left. Oh when he did this Incredible. I don't want to spoil it for anybody by the way, but Johnny Carson turns out to be the killer Written by how canter is gone. He would have been great for this show Ben star gig Henry Charles Lee Leona topple these are these are Bob Hope writers we have to all see I can't find any of these people to please come forward and as a public service explain this to us oh god and speaking of all-star debacles yes because we got a lot of emails and a lot of interest in the roast conversation, and I thought what could we talk about this week that involved lots and lots of stars and was just as terrible as the roast, in addition to Joys?

And I think I found it. Battle of the Network Stars. Oh my god, yes! Do you remember? We talked about this with Greg Evigan. Yes! We had him on the show because he competed. These things are wild. It was like, it was kind of like reality TV in its infancy. Yeah, yeah. Basically done by ABC.

They ran forever. They ran from 1976 to 1985 and I remember watch these things didn't they also have like celebrity circus yeah circus of the stars circus of the stars that was it that may have been CBS's answer to ABC's successful battle of the stars which at one point became challenge of the network stars it's really impossible they got $20,000 we've talked to Greg successful Battle of the Stars, which at one point became Challenge of the Network Stars. It's really impossible. They got $20,000. We've talked to Greg Evigan about this.

Yeah. We didn't talk to Ed Asner, who was also involved in it. But apparently, the winning team, each person got 20 grand. Oh my god. Which is a lot of money for the 70s. Oh, wow. It's a lot of money now. And Howard Cosell took these, you know, was the, was the, the, the, the announcer, the

play-by-play guy, taking it completely seriously. You've got to see these things. They're on YouTube. You know what I'm talking about, Paul? They're absolutely dreadful. And listen to these people. The first one was done in 1976. The ABC team was Gabe Kaplan, Linda Carter, Farrah Fawcett, Robert Hedges.

Oh my God, yes! He passed away Epstein recently. Ron Howard, Hal Linden, Penny Marshall, and John Shuck. Oh! Herman Munster himself. And wasn't he also in a show where he was a robot? Yeah, Holmes and Yo-Yo. Yes!

And who was the character actor? You're homes and yo-yo. Yes And who was going off the reservation actor who was the other guy Richard B. Schull. Oh, okay That's it. I'm really I'm sorry I know that the CBS team the captain was telly Savalas Adrian Barbeau Gary Berg off Pat Harrington who we just lost Bill Macy who's still around Gary Berghoff, Pat Harrington who we just lost, Bill Macy who's still around, podcast guest Lee Merriwether. Wait, wait, wait. See this is one of those alive or dead. Oh he's alive, Bill Macy.

Bill Macy is still alive? I don't know what kind of shape he's in, but he's with us. Loretta Switt was on the team and once again, the only link between Battle of the Network stars, Joys, and what was that thing called? Murder Can Hurt You? Jimmy Walker!

Oh my God! The NBC team was captained by Robert Conrad, Melissa Sue Anderson, Ben Murphy from Alia Smith and Jones, Oh yes, yes! Kevin Tige, That was like a total rip off of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Bobby Troop and Kevin Teig from Emergency. Barbara Parkins, do you remember her? Tim Matheson and Damon Wilson.

And it goes on like that. If you go to the Wikipedia page, you cannot believe how many of these things they did. I mean, O.J. turns up in one of them. Katelyn Jenner, Bruce Jenner turns up in one of them. Bruce, Caitlyn Jenner, Bruce Jenner turns up in one of them. And there's a very funny article, Vulture, a New York magazine written by the funny comedian, Dave Holmes, where he just goes into detail about it, and they show clips, and there's a clip of Teli Savalas

arguing with Robert Conrad, and it really looks like they're gonna go to blows because of the CBS team. Telys of Alice is captaining the CBS team, and he's accusing the NBC team of cheating. And he's smoking a cigarette. Oh, geez. Now Barbara Parkins, is she from Peyton Place?

She might, or Valley of the Dolls or something, might have been one of those. Yeah, I think she was on Peyton Place? Or Valley of the Dolls or something. Might have been one of those. Yeah, I think she was on Peyton Place too. But I urge our listeners to go look at this clip. Oh, God. Because you can see Gabe Kaplan, and Bruce Jenner, and Robert Conrad, Oh.

and Telly Savalas, and Telly smoking a butt. And you're waiting to wake up from this horrible dream. You're happy. It's like,'re happy to be happening until he's saying I'm Greek. My people invented the games. Oh, God. It's absolutely surreal.

And Conrad, who I believe was was a bit of a combative fellow, looks like he's going to punch somebody out. I mean, Tony Randall, there's there's one in the late 70s, early 80s of Billy Crystal competing with David Letterman, doing like running through tires. And I'm trying to remember what they call that. What are they, when you, when they're sw... Oh, oh yeah, yeah.

As an obstacle course, an obstacle course. It's incredible. Linda Carter going into a swimming pool with Adrienne Barbeau. You would like that one. Oh yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. John Davidson, captaining one team, William Shatner, William Devane, Pernell Roberts,

I mean it's just surreal. You gotta go and look at these things. Parodied very well on Saturday Night Live is the network battle of the T's and A's. Oh yeah. Do you remember that? Oh yeah. Barbara Perkins was in Belly of the Dolls yeah There you go, she ain't Peyton place also

She was in a TV show But anyway, you you you gotta go you gotta go and look at these things and look at the funny article in mental floss too, which is a very funny magazine and Talking all about battle of the network stars, But I didn't know they got 20 grand. I always thought they did this because the networks bullied them into doing it. I thought it would be like one of these scale things, like you know, you gotta plug a show.

I always thought so. Peyton Place! Alright, Gilbert Gottfried! I was right! Alright! And in Vulture, I'm in one of their articles now. Oh, was that the top, the funniest jokes of all time? The funniest jokes of all time.

They do my September 11th thing. Right, so we should give you a plug for that. Anyway, that's Battle, a brief history of Battle of the Networks. Wow. We're barely scratching the surface. It's, you could lose, I think ESPN classics and then was was right didn't who who hosted Celebrity Bowl. Oh, I'm glad you brought that

Before we sign off a chance to give a shout out to our pal Gino Salomon Oh, yes, who's who claimed who keeps calling me and saying I'm sending you these DVDs of celebrity bowling I've never seen them. I think Jed Allen was the host. Does that mean anything to you? And he was one of those guys, I remember, oh, I remember talking about it on some like VH1 special or something, but he was one of those guys

who seemed like he was bombed out of his skull on everyone. He might have been. He had to have been. I don't think I can blame him. Yeah. Did you watch any of those celebrity bowling episodes? Oh, yeah. Billy Barty's on one.

Yeah. To watch him run up and throw the bowling ball. They used them as a ball. Well anyway, I can't remember the channel it was on, but it was, they were running a marathon a while back. And you see Michael and Sarah and Gavin McLeod and John Shuck and they're just, and Clint Walker and what's his name? Claude Aikens.

Oh my God. And they're all bowling. It's beyond bad. And it did 144 episodes. 144 episodes of Celebrity Bowling. There you go back then though Wow back then all of those TV shows including Hollywood Squares the original ones and almost most of those people drank and They always supplied alcohol

Backstage they would we are explains a lot. Yes alcohol backstage they would... Well that explains a lot. Yes! By the way our friend Dick Van Dyke who's uh who yeah who we've probably put up by the time this is uh this is posting he and Joan Van Arck co-hosted in 1985 uh Battle of the Network stars. Oh geez. So there you go.

One thing we forgot to ask him about. So this has been a very disturbing episode. I think the show has this this many these mini episodes have taken a dark turn. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it's become strange unhealthy obsession. It's all a bad fever dream. Well, you started with the Bob Hope.

Oh, Jack Frost. I watched that again. I have it on a loop. Oh, Jack Frost. I watched that again. I have it on a loop. Oh, I'm Jack Frost. His voice was high pitched and, uh, and you could see they probably, uh, like somebody hit him in the ribs and said, just say, I'm Jack Frost. I'm Jack Frost. That cattle shocking thing, what's his name, carries around in no country for old men. Oh yes, and in casino.

All right. So anyway, Joys, Battle of the Network Stars. Celebrity bowling. What was the other one? Murder Can Hurt You. Murder Can Hurt You, my favorite. Okay listeners, you got your work cut out for you this week. So this has been

I'm Gilbert Gottfried with my co-host Frank Santopadre and this has been Gilbert and Frank's amazing, colossal if not suicidal obsessions. Follow us on Patreon and gilbert gotfried.com and our new podcast website gilbert podcast.com

See you next week Give me that right! Colossal obsessions! Give me that right! Colossal obsessions! Give me that right! Colossal obsessions!