Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Bill Persky

Episode Date: September 7, 2023

GGACP celebrates the birthday (September 9) of Emmy-winning writer-director Bill Persky by revisiting this memorable conversation from 2017. In this episode, Bill weighs in on topics not covered in his previous appearances, including the physicality of Tim Conway, the irritability of Joey Bishop, the professionalism of Don Ameche and the star power of Sandy Koufax. Also, Jack Palance tells a joke, Harvey Korman treads the boards, Joe Namath turns heads and George Carlin takes a powder. PLUS: Burt Mustin! Gene Kelly unmasked! Super Dave goes to Tahiti! Remembering Garry Marshall! And Eva Gabor replaces Sgt. Bilko! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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covers it all get on the money search on the money with Dynamic Funds and follow today. TV comics, movie stars, hit singles and some toys. Trivia and dirty jokes, an evening with the boys. Once is never good enough for something so fantastic. So here's another Gilbert and Franks. Here's another Gilbert and Franks.

Here's another Gilbert and Franks. Colossal classic. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. We're once again recording at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Furtarosa. Our guest this week is back for a return engagement because he just can't get enough of us. engagement because he just can't get enough of us. A five-time Emmy-winning writer, producer, and director with hundreds of credits, he's created hit shows like That Girl and Kate and Ali, written and directed TV movies, feature films, and dozens of pilots, and scripted hours and hours of some of the best and wittiest comedy

ever seen on network television, including 29 episodes of what many consider to be the greatest situation comedy in the history of the medium, The Dick Van Dyke Show. of the medium, The Dick Van Dyke Show. On his long, strange journey through show business, he's written for and worked with everyone. Yes, everyone, including Sid Caesar, Julie Andrews, Sonny and Cher, Steve Allen, George Segal, Betty White, Andy Griffith, Michael Caine, Goldie Hawn, George Carlin, Tim Conway, and of course his mentor and longtime friend, Carl Reiner. And if all that isn't impressive enough, he also wrote a hit song about the Brooklyn Dodgers, the Brooklyn Dodgers, danced with Gene Kelly, drank sake with Peter Sellers, and watched Orson Welles pee on a 2,000-year-old wall. Please welcome back to the show our very funny friend, Bill Persky.

God, I did all that. You did. I really did all that. You did. I really did all that. God, it was fun, too. I just had such a good time. I never really had a bad experience, except I don't know if I mentioned this last time, doing Welcome Back, Carter.

No, you didn't get to Welcome Back, Carter. Please. So tell us by all means. When I stopped, Sam and I, who had a great partnership, but I wanted Sam Denhoff and I wanted to become a director, which is a singular thing. So we ended the partnership. And in LA, in Hollywood, if you have a partnership, everyone's afraid to hire either of you because they don't know where the strength was, you know. So who was the good one? They'd ask people, is he the strength? What did he do? So I was a director, and I really didn't have any credentials to be that, but I just wanted to do it.

So the first job I got, George Shapiro again, the killer George Shapiro, he got me three episodes of Welcome Back, Cotter with Jimmy, what was the, Jimmy Comac. And I was very excited about it. First of all, I have to tell you, the only person on that show that I liked and who was a really great person was Travolta. He was a sweetheart. All the rest of them were pains in the ass. So I'm directing the show and we have a run through and Comac is criticizing everything that I've done. And I really felt, you know, well, Jesus, my first directing, maybe. Then the second day, everything he does.

It was the worst experience in the world. And I found that. I said, you know what? If I never work again, I don't want to do the next two shows. I thought we were friends, you know, and you're acting like a real prick and it turned out that he had an anger at me for an Emmy award that we Sam and I won over something of his and he was like getting even by humiliating me and stuff but that was the only bad experience I ever had he told you that he no I found out from somebody else.

So a little petty thing like that. Hey, have you looked at the government labels? Well, you've given us a segue since you used the word prick on your IMDb page. There's quotes, Bill Persky quotes, and the first

thing you're quoted as saying is what a prick Joey Bishop was. True. He was mean. Yeah. You know, the great story where he played twins on the show. No, Gary,

Mark, dear Gary. Oh God. We should talk about, I mean, Gary, I know Gary from 1950 when we were at, when we were both getting started and we had a group called the 10 Scribes.

We were going to write a Broadway show. We all were working for like $30 a week at places. And we were going to write a show. And in the group was Saul Turtletaub. Wow. Still around. Billy Angelos, who was an award winner on Carol Burnett. Fred Freeman and Gary, who were partners,

and Sam and me. And I never told you about that? No, I don't think you did. Anyway, I'll tell you the thing about Gary. He worked with Joey a lot. And he was, I have a show on Sirius, you know, Radio Andy. Go ahead, plug it. No, it's okay.

Okay. You know, it's $125, you know, Radio Andy. Go ahead, plug it. No, it's okay. Okay. You know, it's $125, you know what I mean? It's the cab fare. What's the show and where can people find it? Well, it's on Sirius Radio, on Radio Andy, and I've interviewed, the thing that was amazing was that I interviewed Gary two weeks before he passed away.

And I have to tell you, he was the most energetic. I mean, if you'd have said, who in this room is going to not be here in two weeks, it would not have been him. He was working on a musical of Pretty Woman. Oh, yeah. Did you know that? Yeah.

We wanted him on this show desperately. For personal reasons, we were sorry to see him on this show desperately oh and he is personally he is he is so he was one of the best one of the best joke guys belson good was good belson was jerry belson jerry was dark but good so anyway they worked for a lot for joey bishop and they did a show where joey played, played both characters. And he started to get really upset. And Gary couldn't figure out what it was. And he finally said, Joey, what's wrong?

He said, the other guy is funnier than I am. And he said, you're both guys. You're both guys. Oh, God. Yeah, but he he was mean he was a mean guy sam and i wrote one of those i think the joey bishop yeah you wrote joey's mustache joey's mustache it says you wrote two double play from foster to derosier to joey oh god i forgot that. Gary Marshall, the funniest. He did a show called Hey, Landlord. Oh, sure, with Sandy Barron. With Sandy Barron. And we used to have a commissary.

We had the best studio. We had five stages, and we had the Dick Van Dyke show, I Spy, Joey Bishop, Gomer Pyle, and Andy Griffith, all at the same time, you know? Sheldon Leonard was in both. Sheldon was there. And then when one of them went out, Gomer Pyle and Andy Griffith all at the same time, you know. Sheldon Leonard was there. Sheldon was there. And then when one of them went out, Gary and Jerry did a show called Hey, Landlord. And we had a commissary on Hal's Studio Cafe.

And it was the worst. I mean, it was so terrible. And all these stars are eating there. And they would bring bus tours of people in to eat with the stars. And Andy Griffith and I, we had him buy a turkey every week just for us. He cooked it so we could have turkey sandwiches because that was all we could eat there. And Hal was always behind the counter. He had an apron from the Civil War. I mean, doing amputations. I mean,

it was the dirtiest blood. I mean, it was just unbelievable. And he never changed it. And when Hey Landlord was over, they had a, uh, a rap party at the, at the club, at the studio. And they hired some guy to do the food. And Gary got up got up and said, the food is really good. We wanted to have Hal from the Studio Cafe do it, but he was booked. They're having a cockfight on his apron in Tijuana. You guys were friends for a long time. Oh, God. Yeah.

If you watch interviews with Carl about the early Van Dyke episodes, he says, well, he says you and Sam saved his life. Yeah, yeah. Basically, but also Gary and Jerry. Gary and Jerry were terrific. They were the only people you didn't have to rewrite a lot, you know. There was always tremendous rewriting. You know, back then we were doing 39 shows a year. That's a lot.

Not 20. It's like two seasons now. So what happened is you didn't have a layoff. I mean, you had 13 weeks between production, but you had to start the shows. And so we'd bring writers in and we'd lay out a story for them in most cases. And then they would bring in a draft

because we needed 10 shows in the works because they get used up, you know, one a week, and it takes you three, four weeks to get one. So we had shows. We had a guy who won a Writers Guild Award for a show that he had like four words in, you know. And what happens with a lot of writers, I don't mean to slam four words in, you know, and what happens with a lot of writers, I don't mean to slam writers, but you know, you rewrite and you rewrite and they think it's theirs.

I mean, another guy who we had, Danny Bonaduce, his father. Oh, Joe Bonaduce. Yeah. He came and he said, he did a lot of work on the show. And when, when we shot it and he was there, he said, you know, I got to tell you the truth. I didn't see that much in it when I handed it in. I said, well, you know, the stage changes everything. He had no idea. Now, here's something about TV directing. Like, do you think, how much skill do you think it takes to be directing a long-running show?

Well, I have two answers to that. The regular director is like, well, and I direct as a writer, so I change things and do rewrites as I'm doing it. But most directors who are regulars on a show, they're protected by – because situation comedy, it's all about the writers. You can call them producers. You can call them whatever you want. Showrunners. It's all about the showrunner.

It's all about an executive producer who is a cousin or, you know, somebody. A director who comes in on any series, I would say, whether it's drama or a situation comedy, you come in after the cast has done 10, 20, 50 shows. What are you going to tell them? Your character is kidding. And then they say, well, do this. You move over there. And they'll say, well, I really can't because that there's a they know more about where they can sit, where they can't sit, what they can do. So it takes skill. You have to know what you're doing.

In the camera work, you have to know what you're doing. But in situation comedy, so much of it is already patterned that you're not going to change anything. You're not going to come up with something that changes a character or, you know what I mean? You're, you're pretty much a traffic cop in a, in a lot of ways.

Now there were good traffic cops and bad traffic cops, but by and large, I mean like Jay Sandridge and, and you know, was not a writer, but he was a very good director. He had great taste and, and he, you know, he did Marion and they listened to him and, and, you know, is not a writer, but he was a very good director. He had great taste, and, you know, he did Mary, and they listened to him.

And Jimmy Burroughs. Jimmy Burroughs has done 1,000 shows, and he adds a lot. You know, and he does dozens of pilots, and most of them go on the air, and then he'll do the first few shows to set everything. most of them go on the air and then he'll do the first few shows to set everything. But in terms of a, to be the regular director on a show is to be a part of the cast. You know everything and you lead them and keep them in, you know, you know, the parameters, a guy who comes in to do a show or two shows is just a traffic cop. The cast can tell him rather than him telling them. You directed a lot of stuff.

The New Dick Van Dyke Show. You directed an episode of that girl. Lots of luck, a show you created with Sam. Roll, Freddy, roll, which you showed us at the house. Roll, Freddy, roll. Which I'll show Gilbert. Tim Conway. Tim Conway. This is a you showed us at the house. Roll, Freddy, roll, Tim Conway. Tim Conway.

This is a premise. Tell them the premise. Well, first of all, you know, people say, who's the funniest person you ever worked with? And it's Tim Conway. Hands down, huh? You don't have to think about it. Who's the most creative?

Dick Van Dyke. And Dick is funny, but he's classically funny. Timmy is funny in a thousand different ways. So I wrote this movie, Sammy and I wrote this movie, which I directed, and it was about a really loser guy and his wife divorced him. He has a little son and the wife married, she married Jan Murray. And he owned the used car lot in the Valley, big Sid. It's on YouTube. People can watch. Oh yeah. And, uh, so they go on their honeymoon and he catches a world record swordfish and Tim, and Tim and he's having a uh Guinness Book of Records sale at his used car lot and Tim has the kid and taking the kid roller skating and the kid only wants to go to the party with the and it's so

sad poor Timmy is like this little schlep guy and And when they go to leave, they lost his shoes. So he only has the roller skates. So he said, I'm not giving you the roller skates. You give me my shoes. Now he goes out with these red, white, blue roller skates. And he ends up, because somebody thinks he's trying to break the record for being on roller skates, he ends up on roller skates for a week. It was Tim Conway.

It was hilarious. Just him trying to open a heavy glass door took 10 minutes. He went off a curb and got his wheels caught in a sewer. And he's trying to get a physical. Oh, my God. And the last part of the thing is that he he broke the record and all the press people are trying to get to him and he's backing up and he goes down a hill and he's out of control going down a hill. And he did stuff. We did a day of shooting the stunts. At one point he gets on the

back of a motorcycle. He suddenly grabs the guy. Motorcycle was going about 15, 20 miles an hour. And Timmy just went right up on the back. He went down a hill. We had a stunt man to do that. And the stunt man said, you know, I really, I really don't think I'm going to do that. So Timmy said, I'll do it. So he goes down this hill. There was smoke coming out of the wheels. I mean, it was unbelievable. Anyway, all kinds of stuff. He was going down a hill and a guy had a push broom and he grabbed the push broom and he hooked it around a pole and skated. I mean, it was unbelievable. and he hooked it around a pole and skated across. I mean, it was unbelievable.

And when we were driving back, I was so excited. And I said, Timmy, I got to confess something to you. Until today, I didn't know I could direct the stunt scene. He said, you know what? I didn't know I could roller skate. That's great. I know I went through that stop sign back there, sir, but I'm sorry, and there's a logical explanation.

Thank you. You see, my skate came off my brake, and I got it stuck in my accelerator, sir. So you can see it right here, sir. I just want to take a look so you can see it right there. Will you get will you get out of your car please sir that's pretty difficult sir yeah you've been drinking sir no no sir I haven't. It's the skate.

Why are you driving with your skates? Well, I'm not allowed to take them off. Not allowed? No, sir. You see, well, if I took them off, I'd start all over and then I'd lose five hours. I'm going to have to ask you to perform a sobriety test, sir. Wait a minute, officer. I told you I haven't been drinking. He didn't practice on the skates for weeks?

He just put them on? He was. Here, one episode of Welcome Back, Cotter, which you referred to. Now, Tim Conway and Harvey Korman were close. Oh, yeah. And Harvey just was a slave to Tim. I mean, he couldn't put up with,

he would laugh. It was just unbelievable. They, I don't think they were really that great friends off. Harvey was kind of on his own, you know, on his own place, but,

uh, on the air and in things, they were unbelievable. Was it somebody that told us Harvey Korman did Shakespeare? Oh yeah, it was very good. Yeah. on the air and in things, they were unbelievable. Was it somebody that told us Harvey Korman did Shakespeare? Oh, yeah, it was very good. Yeah, he did a great Hamlet. Carl said it was one of the great Hamlets that he saw performed. Someone told us that.

Wow. The Betty White show you directed? Yes. Oh, God. With John Hillerman? John Hillerman, yes. That's one of your favorites, Gilbert. Oh, that's right.

Oh, he was a terrific guy. You like John? Oh, yeah. I've never met him, never worked with him. John Hillerman. Yes. That's one of your favorites, Gilbert. Oh, that's right. Oh, he was a terrific guy. You like John? Oh, yeah. I've never met him. Never worked with him. He's a classy guy. Terrific actor. We should try to get him on.

Well, baby, I'm back. We won't talk about it. Because we'll skip right over to Mon Wilson. Now, Hillerman was on with Tom Selleck. Yeah. On Magnum. Right, right, right. Magnum.

Then I did the one, what was it? It was with Katherine Hellman and Don Amici. Let's see. Which one was that? I don't know. That was like working with an old movie star. Don Amici. Don Amici, for God's sake.

What was Don Amici like? He was wonderful. Such a professional. Jesus, he was driven. And Katherine is unbelievable. I directed her on Who's the Boss. Then you directed, I love this one, The Waverly Wonders with Joe Namath. Yes.

Yes. In fact, I think you directed the pilot. I directed the pilot. And the thing is, we had this show about this high school basketball coach and one of the things is there was a girl on it and that was before that was even a possibility but they only had five kids to play in school and so joe had just retired from the Jets. Or where was he? No, he had left the Jets already.

The Rams, I think. Yeah, he left and he was in LA. And someone said, do you think we could get Joe Namath to do this? So I had a meeting with him. Greatest guy. God, was he a terrific guy. Oh.

You know, stars, everybody has to have a celebrity. You know what I mean? Cary Grant, no matter who, he has to have somebody. And I remember once I was in the Universal Commissary and I mean, it was loaded with Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman and Henry Fonda. And I mean, it was buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. And all of a sudden,

it was like they cut the soundtrack. Sandy Koufax walked in. Wow. That was a hero to them. I love that. And when I met Joe for the first time, I met him at the Beverly Hills Hotel. And there used to be the polo lounge over in the corner.

And then there was a stairway way over to the right to some rooms. And he was in a suite down there. So I met him at the door. And it was around 7 o'clock. People were all coming in, going out. It was crowded. And as we walked from the door across to the steps, do you remember the old EF Hutton commercial where,

when EF Hutton's talks, everybody, what it was, everybody froze in place. Yes. That's what it was. When Joe Namath walked through that lobby, it was like everybody,

there was no sound behind him. And as people saw him, it was either him or me. They were reacting to it. I've been telling the wrong story. It was either him or me they were reacting to. I don't know. I've been telling the wrong story. It was amazing. Well, now we're going to destroy whatever entertainment value was in this show by breaking for a commercial.

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Gilbert will like this one. How to Pick Up Girls, the TV movie. Listen to this, Caskill. Desi Arnaz Jr., Richard Dawson, Alan King, and Abe Vigoda. Oh, my God. Abe, Abe, Abe was so sweet. God, yeah. That was about a book a guy wrote.

Right, a very successful book. What was Almost Heaven with Ava Gabor and Jay Leno? Ava Gabor is a punchline. You got to forget Ava Gabor. Yeah. Just tell me about Almost Heaven. Okay. Tell us.

Oh, with Robert Hayes and Jay Leno. Yeah. Jay Leno's first part. Was it his first part? Yes. So anyway, I'm doing this pilot at Paramount and it's almost heaven. It's about a bunch of people who haven't quite gotten to heaven yet. And they have missions to do down on earth, you know, very original. And anyway, there was the boss at heaven and

it was either going to be Sid. It was either going to be Milton Berle or Phil Silvers. One day it was Phil, one day it was Milton, one day it was Phil, one day it was Milton. And I came in in the morning, and I said, we've got to have a decision. They said, we have. I said, who is it? They said, Ava Gabor. Oh, God. And she was wonderful. Oh, Lord. a decision. They said, we have. I said, who is it? They said, Ava Gabor.

She was wonderful. But I mean, it's just so hysterical. Casting is a thing. I mean, I was doing a pilot and we needed a comic. And so we looked at everybody. We looked at everybody. And they said to me, okay, there's a guy who's playing at Harrah's in Tahoe. We have booked you on an 8 o'clock flight. You'll get in at 930. There'll be a limo there. You'll be able to see his 10 o'clock show and his midnight show. Then you'll spend some time with him. And then there's a 4 o'clock flight, and you'll come back, and you'll be here. And I said, no. They said, what do you mean no? I said, I wouldn't do that. with him and then there's a four o'clock flight and you'll come back and you'll be here and they

said I said no they said what do you mean no I said I wouldn't do that they said why I said because if I died doing that I would never forgive myself that is that is the stupid I said Reno Airport is not easy to go into I'm not gonna risk taking off and going in the middle of the winter for something as stupid as this. Tell us about working with George Segal. You directed George Segal in a track down. Yes, in a drama. In a drama. In a drama.

Finding the Good Bar Killer. Capture the Good Bar Killer. Yeah. It was George Segal's first movie, television movie. And at that point in time, it was a downgrade for a guy. Oh, to do TV. To do TV. And so he was terrific, but he was still a star on a Hollywood, you know, a Hollywood star, not a movie of the week star.

Shelly Hack was in that. Yeah, and Joe Spinell. And Joe Spinell, yeah. Oh, God, I did that for Sonny Grasso. You know who Sonny Grasso is? I know who he is. Sonny Grasso is the guy who, with his partner, broke the French connection.

Yes, yes. And he became a producer, but first he became an advisor and stuff. He was an advisor on The Godfather. And the scene in the toll booth. Oh, yes. He went up to Francis when they were showing what they were going to do, and he said, Francis, you can't do this scene the way, you know, with all that.

I mean, there'd be nothing left of Long Island at that with all those guns and all those bullets. And he said, you'll be a laughingstock if you do that. It's very non-authentic and I have to caution you. And he said, well, I really feel I should do it, Sonny. He said, okay, but I just want to be on record because, you know, I'm trying to get a reputation and I, I want it on record that I said, this, but I just want to be on record because, you know, I'm trying to get a reputation. And I wanted on record that I said this is a mistake. So they did the scene, which turned out to be one of the most amazing scenes in the world. And Sonny said, I'm off record.

You should have Sonny on. Sonny Grasso. Oh, my God. What stories. You should have Sonny on. Sonny Grasso. Oh, my. That'd be a good looking joke. What stories.

And getting back to, because you mentioned the godfather, getting back to Abe Vigoda. Oh, God, Abe was so sweet. Yeah, tell us about Abe Vigoda. He was, you always thought he was sick. Maybe that's why they declared him dead. Did you always thought he had an upset stomach at all times? He was an athlete. He was a runner.

He was a handball player. I know, but he just looked like you wanted to give him a Pepto-Bismol or something. But what an actor and what a sweet man. Yeah, he's always sweet. What amazes me about him is in real life he was this Jew complaining about his ailments. And as Tessio, he's so chilling. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah.

No, he was a craftsman, you know? I mean, he could do it all. They say he got that part in an open audition that he didn't have representation. And Coppola was willing to see some actors without agents. And he walked on. Oh oh he was terrific in that and you directed the pilot of who's the boss who's the boss yeah and you know it is doing pilots is great and and I did pilots and I would always have an understanding I said you have to understand I direct as a writer. I'm not in competition with your script,

but I will see stuff, and I know this from being a writer myself that when I saw the Van Dyke Show and what Dick would do with something that you didn't imagine was there, and he would find it, and I said, so I will write stuff. And if you don't want that, then don't hire me. But it also is really, it really excites the actors because there's a

certain amount of improvisation to it. So I, that's how I directed and, and I got Tony. And I got Tony, and then the interesting thing is the little girl, Melissa Milano, every time I see her now playing a slut, I want to smack her. I felt like I did the wrong job. You know, when you have kids on your shows and they grow up, you really always, you become very parental. I mean, especially on a series, all the kids on Kate and Allie, I mean, they all grew up and became, you know, acting people, but they were adults. And to me, they were always little kids. And, uh, God damn, I, I love this woman. I forget it. Who, who Catherine Hellman? No, the, the star. get it who who Catherine Hellman no the the star uh oh oh uh oh geez brilliant brilliant she's on uh uh she's on our law show now I think no she's on the uh gay show the the show which are we

talking about you know what's funny as you get older yeah you get you get further and further away. You say, oh, she was on the one with, he was in it. And they were in, it was the city. That happens to Gilbert every week. And then the guy who remembered, and you just, you're a million miles away, Judith Light. Judith Light. Judith Light. There you go. I'm so glad. I'm so glad because I would have gotten that at about four in the morning.

And that's the worst. When you wake up in the middle of the night, when you're all. Screaming Judith Light. No. And you, for some reason, think of an actor out of nowhere right and you can't remember his name well the last time you did the show you couldn't remember the name of the woman who created baby i'm back yes so we're gonna set the record straight it was lila anyway judith light and to this day she we are great friends and she is a brilliant actress and a real great lady, but they did not

want her for some reason. And I just fought for her and fought for her and fought for her and she got the part and she, you know, was sensational. And when I finished the pilot, I said to the writers who I wasn't even going to try to remember, but they were wonderful. And they said, that was great. I said, yeah. I said, the pilot was great. I don't know what you're going to do next week. And they ran for seven years. A long time.

I still get checks. For who's the boss? Yeah. They're going down in value, but I think I got one for $6 or something recently. Now, when you watch a sitcom, or other shows for that matter, what really gets you, annoys you, in the writing and directing and structure? Well, I hate two broke girls because, and I'm sorry,

because there's great guy wrote it. I mean, you know, he wrote, uh, here we go. He wrote and created the one with the girl who was so, no,

it was sex in the city. Uh, Darren star. Yeah. Oh, the other guy. Yeah. Michael Patrick, Michael Patrick King. Lovely, Darren Star? Yeah. Oh, the other guy. Michael Patrick King. Michael Patrick King.

Lovely, lovely guy. And, you know, this show works like crazy. But I hate shows that are about getting to the joke rather than the joke coming out of what has to happen. You know, like, there's a, people will say, wouldn't it be great to do a joke here? And then you back up and you try and get to happen. You know, like there's a, people will say, wouldn't it be great to do a joke here? And then you back up and you try and get to it. And then there's the thing where you're telling the story and then you have to make that funny. And when people obviously had a joke that they're trying to get to, that always bothers me. You know, what else did I do? Well, Gilbert will appreciate this. You directed a pilot called Night and Day, starring Jack Warden, an actor that we talk about.

Oh, God, I don't even remember that. You don't remember Jack Warden, Mason Adams, and Hope Lang. Jesus, I totally don't remember that. Does it ring a bell? Do you remember anything about Jack Warden? Oh, I love Jack Warden, yeah, and I knew him, and I loved Hope Lang. I got a great Hope Lang story. Okay. I was going back and forth between New York and LA because I was involved with a bad relationship in LA, which I'm great at, but I got over it. I got over it. 20 years to the best woman in the world. Anyway, I was going out

to there and I loved to stay at the Beverly Hills hotel. I mean, it was the most fun in the world. Anyway, I was going out to there and I loved to stay at the Beverly Hills Hotel. I mean, it was the most fun in the world, not the new one, but the old one. It was really great. And my twin daughters would play Charlie's Angels in the Beverly Hills Hotel. They loved that. And at any rate, I was going to LA and Mary, Tyler Moore and Hope Lang were really great friends. And when Mary came to New York, she didn't know anybody really but me. So we spent a lot of time together, and she and Hope rented a house out in the Hamptons because my friends and I had one, so they were nearby.

Anyway, I said, I'm going to L.A., and Hope said, oh, you have to stay at my house. And I said, no, I'm not good at that. She said, no, you have to stay at my house. And I said, no, I'm not good at that. She said, no, you really have to. It's beautiful and it's thing. And there was no way to avoid it. So now I go to Hope Lang's house and it's the kind of thing where you open a drawer and there's underwear in it and shit like that.

And I'm not happy. I just want to get out of it. So finally I get in the bed and and I'm watching television, going to sleep. And all of a sudden, about 3 in the morning, I hear this screaming. And I wake up, and on the screen there was a guy strangling Hope Lang. I swear to God. No, you can't make this up. How bizarre.

And I just said, I said, Hope, this place is cursed for me. I'm going to bed with you. But can you believe that? I'm in her bed and there's a guy strangling her. And she was the wife

on the new Dick Van Dyke show. Yes, she was. Hope Lang. Shot in Cave Creek. Yes, which you directed. Oh, and Sam and I wrote one that was so great. We wrote one called The Sioux and the Jew, and we spelled them.

We spelled them. We spelled Jew, J-O-I-U-X, and it was about. J-U-I-X. Just like Sioux, and it was about this guy who owned the delicatessen in Arizona, and this Indian came and was selling stuff in front of his store, and he didn't like it, and then they became great friends. But it was the Sioux and the Jew. And she was Charles Bronson's wife in Death Wish.

She was. Yes. Great girlfriend of Sinatra. Oh, yes. Did she have any stories about Sinatra? Yes, not to me. But Saul and Bernie Ornstein and Turtletop, they did that show, and they lived in Cave Creek, Arizona.

Right. And one day, Hope said, you're going to come to dinner tonight. Frank is cooking. They said, Frank is cooking. He flew in. Bernie said, it's the best Italian meal he ever had. Really? So, he flew in and cooked a home food?

Yeah, well, I'm sure he didn't fly in to cook. I mean, he had other plans. I mean, how long could dinner last? Now, oh, you told me before we got on the air that you have a story. Oh, it's so funny. I have this family.

The mother, Casey Frazier, is a young woman who I found when she was 13 doing stand-up comedy. And she was brilliant. I saw her at the duplex and I did one woman shows for her and everything and she became like my child and now she has three kids one of the the oldest one is a singer-songwriter who is unbelievable Skylar and then uh Amaya I mean, Maeve, the middle one is 13 and she's a standup comic. She's doing all the clubs and everything. And then Amaya, who is eight, is in the New York City School of Ballet. And I found out tonight because I saw Casey that Amaya was picked to be in Swan Lake, the big production as one of the children.

So they're an amazing family and their names are Press. And I said, we got to do a series called Press 3 for more options because they're hysterical together. Skylar and Maeve went to the auditions for America's Got Talent. 2,000 people. They both out of three kids called back and both of them did it. Maeve did stand up and Skylar sang. But at any rate, I told Casey, I'm going to do this. So she said, oh my God. She said, when we lived in, in Sybison town and Skylar was about two, her favorite thing in the world was the show with the parrot. What was that one? Aladdin? I don't know.

Did you do a series? Yeah, there was a series of Aladdin. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Skylar only loved that. And your sister lived right next door to them. And one night, Skylar starts hearing the parrot next door how bizarre and she said mom it's the parrot it's the parrot they said she said yes sir it sounds like the

I want to fly through some of your writing credits here too uh we we're gonna jump around but you mentioned Ronnie Shell who's our guest oh god anything he told you was a lie what a hilarious guy well I gotta tell you you did Good Morning World yes yes Ronnie and Goldie Hahn were in that and and he was the Marlowe's agent on that you know we're original you know who originally I'm gonna say was George Carlin it was George Carlin George Carlin was an actor when we were playing doing and he got the part of Marlowe's agent. On that girl? Yeah, on that girl. And he was a guy, he had a suit and a thin tie, and he was the straightest person in the world. After three shows, he didn't show up. And we had to replace him. We didn't know where he was or what he was doing or what happened we thought he was dead we went through he went off to become george garland you know but we got ronnie shell

was the was her her agent but ronnie shell was it harvey peck harvey peck god you just uh you could be my memory what does it mean i wrote it i wrote a piece that was in the LA Times. It was called The Maintenance Man. And it's that a certain point, you have a new job. You're a maintenance man. You've taken care of your own maintenance. And you have to be friends with two other maintenance men to remember something, you know? And at any rate, Ronnie used to do a thing that I don't know if it'll play on the radio, you know, on hearing it, but he would always say, is there a part in it for me? You know, is there a part? Is there a part? He would go around everybody and say, is there a part for me?

So Sam and I used to say, yeah, there's a part about this Englishman. And Ronnie said, yeah, I could do that. He said, yeah, but his mother was Chinese. Then he would start doing a Chinaman whose mother was Chinese, an Englishman's mother Chinese. Then you say, but his father, his father was from India.

And so then he'd incorporate that. And he has a limp. He'd start to limp. And eventually he would incorporate everything, 20 things, all into it to the point where the guy couldn't walk. He had to crawl. The guy couldn't walk. He had to crawl. He'd be on the floor, and he would unerringly, immediately be able to do whatever you said.

Talented guy. He was. He was funny. Yeah, and he did everything. Let's see. Here's some other fun stuff. I have to ask you about Three for Tahiti. Oh, my God. which starred our friend Bob Einstein

Bob Einstein Bob Hogan and the late great Steve Franken Steve Franken and Alan who was the other Alan

oh god Alan I'll look it up yeah so we go to Tahiti in 1969 and Mutiny on the Bounty had been there.

But nobody, I mean, that was a big motion picture company, but nobody had ever tried to shoot down there other than that. And they had trouble because as beautiful as the Tahitians were, most of them didn't have teeth because they kept eating sugar. Beautiful, but without teeth. Yeah, sugar cane. And sugar cane. And sugar cane, and they would eat butter.

And the way that Mutiny on the Bounty got them to report, because they were wonderful. God, I loved it. And they didn't give a damn. And as long as they had enough to buy some beer, they'd show up. Then they wouldn't show up. So they had to find a way to get them to come back every day. So they brought down a dentist who built bridge work for all the people in the movie. And at night they had to turn in their teeth so that that's why they would come back in the morning.

At any rate, we went down there with a Dodge pickup truck. That's what we had. And we had no idea what was happening. Bobby Einstein was in it. And we checked into the hotel. And while we were checking in, Bob got his room first, although they said, well, it may not be made up or whatever. So he went to his room first and he came back 40 minutes later and he had already gotten laid. Nice. The woman who was checking out.

So anyway, we did this incredible show. God, did we have fun. Funny guys. Do you remember Steve Franken? He was the waiter in the party. Oh, yes. Do you remember him? Yeah.

He passed away young. Am I eating raw fish? Right. Why am I eating raw fish? Because that's what they eat in Tahiti. You expect me to live in a place where they eat raw fish? Well, that's the only thing I'm going to serve around here. So you can either eat the raw fish here or there.

And there, they've got girls. Oh, look, it's not so easy. God, we drank. Oh, did we dance. Nobody ever slept. Nothing. And they had this thing there called a stonefish. And if you stepped on it, you know, it looked like a rock, but it was spiny and you were dead immediately. So everybody was very careful when they went in the water. And I met this woman and we went for a swim and everybody had, you'd keep flip-flops on in the water. And her flip-flop floated away.

And I started to go after it and I said, nah, I'm not going to do that. And one night Marlon Brando came over because he had that Tyroa, his island. God, it was fun. You know what happened? Everybody, including me, five guys came back and got divorced. Everybody came back from Tahiti and got divorced. Absolutely.

How bizarre. Yeah, well, nobody had any affairs, but you suddenly said, Jesus, I don't have to take any shit. Look how easy life is. And for years afterwards, when I saw any of the crew guys you'd be walking on a lot and they'd say tahiti you say yeah it was unbelievable we did einstein did this show and he is one of the funniest people oh god who walked the earth we did it on the phone or here he was on this phone he just ripped us from start to finish yeah god damn is he a funny man now you worked with sunny and share at a point

where they were not hireable really yeah we had written an album when when when when i had my first child i started writing writing, you know, incidents of things that came up. And then Sam and I took it and we wrote an album called The First Nine Months of the Hardest. With Lenny Weinrib. Lenny Weinrib did the album.

Yeah. It was really terrific album. And we decided that we could make it into a TV special. But we wanted to have three real couples. So Dick Van Dyke was going to play the obstetrician that tied the whole thing together. And we had, uh, Kenny. Oh, Ken Berry, Ken Berry and his wife, Jackie Joseph, who were really great comedian. Jackie Joseph was a really great comedian.

And then we had Jimmy Ferentino. Yeah. And Michelle Lee were the other couple. And we needed another couple. And we said, well, what about Sonny and Cher? And the network said, no. So finally there was no other couple. So we got them. And they were wonderful.

And that's where they're serious the next thing immediately. There's some great stuff here. We don't have time to get to, to, I'm going to throw wild cards at you and you get to pick. Do you want to talk a little bit about the funny side? The funny side was an outgrowth of the first nine months of the hardest. We did a show originally called the Americans and we hired, we wanted a wealthy couple, an African-American couple, a blue-collar couple, you know, a senior citizen couple

and a young teenage couple. And what's her name? Cindy Williams. Cindy Williams was with Michael Lembeck. Correct. God, I'm telling you, this is better than taking a test at NYU. Son of a bitch.

And you worked with our friend John Amos. John Amos was on it, and it was an original musical comedy every week. And the music was written by Dave Frishberg. Do you know Dave Frishberg? My attorney, Ernie, and, oh, he is. Get an album of David Frishberg. He is the best. And we did original music every week.

We'd take a subject, and it would be played out by, oh, God. Ambitious. Yeah. And we had, oh, God, Burt Mustin. I was just going to say, tell Gilbert who played Burt Mustin. Oh, God. Burt Mustin, the most adorable, wonderful

man in the world. God loved him. With Queenie Smith. Did anybody ever know his actual age? Yeah. He was about 86, I think. You know, he was a cadet

at the Citadel. Yeah, I did know that. Yeah. Did you guys sing in a barbershop quartet? Yeah, he had a barbershop quartet, and I sang with him a few times. And we had these dance numbers. Warren Berlinger was in it. Sure, I remember him. Oh, who were the wealthy couple?

They went on to be writers. Well, Dick Clare and Jenna McMahon. Dick Clare and Jenna McMahon went on to do a lot of writing. Funny writers. They were like a she-she club act, like, you know, like upstairs at the downstairs and stuff. And Bert, we'd be doing Rockette numbers, and he's dancing and his legs

are swelling and everything. Never complained. And then Gene Kelly became our host. We had different hosts all the time. We had Jack Benny when we did a show about money and I forget who, I remember Jack and then Gene was the regular

host and we did a scene where we did a show where there was a haunted house in it. I don't know what the premise was. And they all went to this haunted house and they were scared. And then Gene had this mask, one of those rubber masks on. And he said, it's over. It's over. And he pulled the mask off and his toupee came with it. And he said,

it's all over. Oh no. He said, burn that. What a great guy. Gene Kelly. Oh God, was he a great guy? Sam and I met him. We used to do, it wasn't the upfronts. They didn't call it that when, you know, when they'd introduced the new shows to the affiliates, they would do a show and ABC, we did that show. It kept us alive for a couple of years in Chicago. We would do that show. And so whoever was on that, that, and we started working with him, and he said, I'd like to do, maybe we'll do a takeoff on Smith Inn and Joe Out. It's an old Vaudeville thing. We had no idea we was talking about. And he then come up with another one and another one. And we would say, yeah, yeah, we didn't know what that was.

And he'd then come up with another one and another one. And we would say, yeah, yeah, we didn't know what that was. And then we walked in one day and we said, Gene, we think we have the thing we should do. And we made up this thing, the rent is due. And we said, how about doing the rent is due? He said, I love it. And we said, you're full of shit. You're fully shipped. But the funniest thing that happened on that show was Jack Palance was doing the greatest show on earth. Well, that's one of the stories in your book.

Yeah, greatest show on earth. And so he had just come in from murdering, I don't know, a whole nation of people in a movie in Italy. And he was tired and he was grumpy. I don't know, a whole nation of people in a movie in Italy. And he was tired and he was grumpy. And so he came out. Everybody came out and he was sitting there and watched at the rehearsal. And he came out and said, the greatest show on earth,

and I'm sure it's going to be, and so forth and so on. And then we had the rehearsal. Everything was fine. And then his agent calls us. And he says, everybody has a joke he said yeah he said jack wants a joke we said well jack you don't think of jack with jokes he's no jack really wants a joke so now we're sitting with jack palance. He's exhausted. He still has blood on him from the movie he did. He's terrifying. We came up with, I mean, everything,

and he just stared at us. And it was like two and a half hours. And finally, I don't even remember the joke. That's how terrified we were. And he went, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And his agent said, he wants to do that one so now we say okay and we say jack here's something to say if the joke doesn't work it's called the saver he said why isn't gonna work it'll work but just so it doesn't, you say this and that'll get the laugh.

And he said, you say, and the writers told me that was funny and that'll get your laugh. So now he goes and he does the joke and the place falls down, standing, screaming, laughing. And when the thing dies, he says, and the writers told me that was fun. And he disappeared and his agent couldn't find him for weeks. He had just gone off on something. God, I tell you. That's one of the stories in your book. It's so much fun. My life is a situation. Yes. Yes. And I didn't get to so much of it. And that's in there. Well, the tap dance lesson is in there, isn't it? Which one? The tap, Gene Kelly. Yeah. That story's in there. And tell us something

about Carl Reiner. How much time do you have? Carl Reiner is the greatest gift that anyone could have in their life. He is the gentlest, the kindest, the funniest, the most courageous person. Here's a perfect example of Carl Reiner. You said we wrote 29 scripts. I thought we wrote 40-something. I don't know. According to IMDBb 29 but that could be wrong what else what we were doing instead so uh anyway cbs recently did a special

with two colorized versions yeah i was gonna ask you about that episodes yeah both of them well that's the point uh they did it on a Sunday night in December and they picked two shows and both of them our shows rather than one of his shows. And he said, these best represent what the Van Dyke show is about. So that's, that's Carl Reiner, you know, well,

this is our baby and that's all there is to it. I mean, he doesn't even look like us. You see, all I see is our baby with a blue foot What's that, Rob? Uh, ink How did it get there?

Jerry and I put it on Why? We're just running a series of tests Rob, there are no series of tests in the world That are going to convince me that is not our baby Oh, honey, I don't blame you. You can't face the facts, poor kid. Oh, Rob.

Well, honey, that's probably the Peters now. Brace yourself. Rob, nobody is taking this baby. Do you hear me? Nobody. Well, I think it would be better if you went to your room. I can handle it. Changed your life.

Oh, God, yeah. God, yeah. changed your life oh god yeah god yeah i mean when you did the van dyke show back then you would go to a party or whatever and you just sit there not pushing and someone would finally say what do you do and you'd say i write the dick van Dyke show. That was it. It's all anyone cared about. And it was that revered back then. I remember I heard when they did the reunion, Dick Van Dyke, that when Carl Reiner walked in and sat in the director's chair, he like threw it all together in like two minutes.

He said, okay, you there, you there, you take a pause there, go. And it's like. Yeah, he and I did a rewrite at the Bel Air Hotel on the thing. You know who was great in that was Mary. Because by that time she was Mary Tyler Moore and had had this huge success. But in the reunion, she was Laura Petri. And so that she was one of the players and she just accepted that and not being featured, not being, you know, it was, they were great people. They were all great people. And, and you mentioned Jack Benny before.

Yes. Tell us about Benny. What do you feel about him? That's what he is. Sweet, funny, laid back, and he was so great because we were doing this show about money, and who better? We weren't bullshitting. You worked with

everybody. Yeah, it's true. Who else have I got? Countless other people. Tell Gil, and we'll use Carl as a segue to go out because we have a little piece of music. But I read the book again for the second time. Again, my life is a situation comedy. I think Gilbert would appreciate the Bing Crosby story with your babysitter, your housekeeper. Well, this is a story I tell about like when I'm speaking at colleges and stuff and I talk about cell phones and that in a way they take away as much as they give because most cell phones conversations, you're not communicating, you're contacting, you know, and and they get in the way of stuff. And I said, here's a situation that never would have happened if there had been cell phones. Back in 1961, we had just had a baby.

And we had a house. And we had this housekeeper, Levy Leventhal. I love her name. Yeah, she was from... She could have been the symbol of America instead of the eagle, and you would have accepted it. She was like George Patton

who could bake the best pies in the world if you mixed those two together. And she had come to Arizona in a covered wagon, and her father had put, I mean, that's how old she was, and she was so frigging American. It was unbelievable. She was really something,

and she had never met Jews until us. I was the first Jew, and she said, you people are really fine. You know, that was it. That was nothing like when I went to grammar school for a year in Hot Springs, Arkansas in 1941. And I was the first Jew ever in the school system. And they were waiting for me for 2000 years. That was, that was fun. That was when I met Arliss Simpson, who was as big as a house. He was in the fourth grade with

me. He was probably around 14 or 15. You know, I was nine and the university of Arkansas was trying to figure out how to skip him to college so they could get him in his prime. But anyway, Levy was a real tough woman. She had moved to California because one of her kids was there. Anyway, it was Christmas Eve and we were going to Danny Thomas's Christmas Eve party, which was one of the great events. Everybody was there. God, was it fun. Every comic in town. So we were going and we were leaving Levy and she said, I'm going to be fine.

She said, I have some some tea and I have some cookies I made and I've got my favorite thing. I'm going to watch White Christmas. I love it. I watch it every year. And I said, you know what? You wrote it. And she said, I say, you people, you're fine. So we go to the party.

She's got white Christmas on. We come home around 1230, one o'clock. And that's in those days, the television used to go off at midnight. And all you'd get was the white thing and a noise, a hissing noise. If you left the center and we walk in the door and Levy is out,

gone. And the white light. And I I swear I thought she was dead. And I cautiously walk over to her, not to scare her or myself if she is dead. And I whisper, Levy, are you all right? And she slowly opens her eyes and says, I'm just wonderful. And I said, oh, that's good. And she says, he was here. And I think she's talking about the baby Jesus that she saw in a dream.

And I said, who was here? And she said, Bing Crosby. And I said, of course he was. He was watching. She said, don't belittle me, buster. And she opens her hand, and there's a thing in it. And I look at it, and it says, thank you and Merry Christmas, Bing Crosby. And I said, what happened?

She said, well, I was watching White Christmas, and the doorbell rang, and I got very annoyed. It rang again. I finally went over, and I got very annoyed. It rang again. I finally went over and I said, who is it? And voice said, it's Bing Crosby. And she said, you're ruining my night. Get the hell out of here. And he said, no, really, ma'am.

It's Bing Crosby. Do you have a chain on the door? You could have. So she opened the door and there's Bing Crosby. His car had broken down on his way up to a party on top of the hill where I lived and he wanted to use the phone to have someone come pick him up.

So while they're waiting, she's sitting with Bing Crosby and he's telling her about the movie and all of the stuff. And as he's leaving, she said, Mr. Crosby, would you sing White Christmas just for me? And he did. Amazing. All your Christmases be white. That, to me, is as great a Christmas tale as any of these movies. Isn't it just the best?

That would make a movie. Yeah. He was on his way up the hill to a party. Yeah, he was going to a party. And he sat there with her and talked to her. Wow. And had a couple of cookies. He was on his way up the hill to a party. Yeah, he was going to a party. And he sat there with her and talked to her. Wow. And had a couple of cookies. He was here.

And then sang White Christmas for her. That's great. But when I walked in, I thought you'd like that one, Gil. That's an amazing story. Never happened today. That's right. He'd call on his cell phone, come pick me up. Levy doesn't get her experience. Levy doesn't get her experience.

So there's stuff that gets taken away from us, spontaneity and things that happen. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. You know another thing I noticed about today's stars? People used to have acts like Rich Little. We just had him on. Impersonating people. Do your impression of Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Yeah.

Oh, we talked about that very thing with Rich Little. Did you really? Yes, I did. Because I thought that there's no... We had the same conversation with Rich and Will Jordan. Oh, we talked about that very thing with Rich. Did you really? Yes, I did. Because I thought that there's no... We had the same conversation with Rich and Will Jordan. Oh, really? Isn't that funny? Because I started...

The Cagney's and the Bogarts and the Edward G. Rousey. And the people who had distinctive styles. They're all gone. They're all gone. And everybody is something different in every picture. But there's no classic. I mean, Clooney is great and it's all, but it's a different kind of a thing. They were super types, you know, and Reggie Robbins,

you know, as a matter of fact, I had an act. I, everybody did. I had an act when I was in college, I was doing impressions and I was invited to my daughter's school that when we had done the first nine months of the hardest, my daughter was, they wanted me to come and screen the thing and tell the kids about what it was. So they had a interview with me in the school paper and they, the teacher, the kid said, did you, did you ever, were you ever a performer? I said, yeah, I used to have an act where I did impressions of actors, most of whom are now dead. And when the paper came out, it said Dana's father used to do impressions of dead actors. Who did you do?

Oh, everybody. Bela Lugosi. You did Bela Lugosi. I did everybody. Oh, let's see. But no. Please. God, I haven't done in years.

But it's me doing the news, my friend. I'm the Count Dracula. That's pretty good. Not bad. Not bad. Especially to an audience who never heard it. Not bad. But you know, the funny thing is, you could do impressions of them dead.

Bogart would have his hand on his side of his mouth. Yeah. And Cagney would be pulling up his pants in the coffin. You know? So they had such distinctive. Ed Sullivan. Ed Sullivan. Everybody had a mannerism.

Everybody had a mannerism. Today they know. It's gone. And you were talking about going to the Christmas party. Yeah. And who was there? Who were some of the people? Joey Bishop, Lenny Kent.

Lenny Kent. Lenny Kent. Lenny Kent. Buddy Hackett. Jan Murray. God, everybody. Name an actor. Name someone else. They were there.

Jack Carter. Jack Carter was there. That's who I was trying to think of. Stab in the dark. Those sound like they must have been funny parties. Oh, my God, were they funny. Read Billy's book. There's a lot of good stuff like that in there.

And that Crosby story. Both times I read the book, it stopped me in my tracks. Amazing. We have to ask you about that. My friend Tommy Leopold, you know Tommy? Oh, yes. Had him on here. You know Tommy. What what am I kidding? He did a show on the Catholic channel and they did a show, uh, on Christmas. And, uh, they were, you know, with the priest and Tom, who still is Jewish

in my mind, but we were at his roast when he left. And anyway, he asked me to tell that story. I was just there to, you know, hang out with him. And it just stopped the whole thing. I mean, how are you going to follow that? Yeah. I mean, it is everything about Christmas. It's a great story, which is why we'll go out on it. Yes.

And we'll use the Carl Reiner. It's a little late now for a segue. But Frankie, here's something you, a theme song from something you and Sam and Carl created together. I used to buy a pickle. It only used to cost a nickel.

You remember the words? Yeah. Go ahead. I only used to cost a dime. You remember this, Gil? Damn, days are all forgotten. The world has all gotten rotten. Lots of luck. Lots of luck. Put your phones on. Lots of luck.

No, it's enough. You know, Dom DeLuise was in that. And it was a brilliant show. And we had made this show. And it was starting to get a little raunchy kind of show before that was happening. And, in fact, it was taken from an English show called on the buses and in the pilot, they had to go out and buy a new toilet seat. So the show was about a thought.

They ran the pilot. The network said they were supposed to go on after Sanford and son. And they said, this show is so good. We're going to put it on at eight o'clock Monday night. And I said, it's not that good. I said, you need Sanford and Son to throw a hand grenade that we can come in after.

You put this on with a toilet seat at 8 o'clock. And, of course, it went down the drain. But it was brilliant. And Kathleen Freeman. Kathleen. Oh, gosh. Kathleen was one of the greats. One of the greats. There's so many people that we could ask you about. Thank you Oh, great. Kathleen was one of the greats. One of the greats.

All right. There's so many people that we could ask you about. Thank you for inviting me. I really enjoyed it. Oh, my God. It was jogging my memory. I don't know if we covered half. I'll come back.

I'll come back. We'll come back and talk about Billy Barty and Imogen Coca and Gino Conforti and Jesse White and Billy DeWolf and everybody. Oh, Billy DeWolf. And everybody else. Next time. Okay. All right, pal. Thanks, guys.

And before we close out the show, would you like to say anything about DeMond Wilson from San Francisco? God, please. Is he exist? Yeah, he's around. What does he do? He's a preacher. Is he exist? Yeah, he's around. What does he do? He's a preacher. Is he? He opened the car wash that Harry Craig said he should open.

Oh, God. He's a preacher? Yeah. Is he really? Yes. Where? Where do you know that? I don't know, but that's the last I had heard of him.

How do you come up with this stuff? I remember I had said to you, Bill, that the last time that DeMond Wilson's a preacher and your reaction was, there's no God. I forgot that he was a preacher. Thanks for coming, kiddo. My pleasure. Thank you. And you've got an open invitation. Thank you very much.

We know where you live. Yeah. Thank you. And you've got an open invitation. Thank you very much. We know where you live. Yeah. Yeah.

So this has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and someone who has way, way too many fascinating stories, the great Bill Persky. We barely touched on them. We'll see you again, Bill. Okay. Bye.