Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Bob Einstein

Episode Date: January 6, 2022

This week on "Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Classics": to mark the release of the new HBO documentary "The Super Bob Einstein Movie," Gilbert and Frank present a memorable episode from 2016 featuring legendary writer-actor-producer Bob Einstein. In this episode, Bob shares hilarious anecdotes about everyone from Redd Foxx to Billy Barty to Sid Caesar to Joey Heatherton. Also, Bob teams with Steve Martin, dials up Ray Charles, "arrests" Liberace and runs afoul of Kate Smith. PLUS: Pat Paulsen! "The Sonny Comedy Revue"! Mike Douglas interviews a monkey! Sly Stone stares down Peter Marshall! And Nixon and Agnew play Laurel and Hardy!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino. Where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. TV comics, movie stars, hit singles and some toys.

Trivia and dirty jokes, an evening with the boys. Once is never good enough For something so fantastic So here's another Gilbert and Franks Here's another Gilbert and Franks Here's another Gilbert and Franks Colossal classic Hi, this is gilbert godfrey and this is gilbert godfrey's amazing colossal podcast i'm here with

my co-host frank santo padre we're once again recording at nutmeg with our engineer frank verdarosa our guest this week is an em-winning writer, comedian, producer, and actor who got his first TV job at the tender age of 24 and never looked back. He was one of the original writers on the groundbreaking and controversial Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour and went on to write and produce dozens of variety shows in the 1960s and 70s, including the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, the Sonny Comedy Review, Red Fox, Van Dyken Company, Joey and Dad, the Hudson Brothers, Razzle Dad, the Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Show, Razzle Dazzle, the Hudson Brothers Razz and helped popularize the most beloved recurring characters in television history, Daredevil Super Dave Osborne. As an actor, you've seen him in movies like Modern Romance, Teddy Bear's Picnic, and Ocean

Set 13, and in dozens of TV shows including Roseanne, Norm, Arrested Development, Anger Management, Comedy Bang Bang, and of course, Larry Davis' frequent antagonist, Marty Funkhauser, on HBO's long-running series, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Please welcome a man responsible for some of the best comedy of the last 50 years and one of the funniest human beings on the planet, Officer Judy himself, Bob Einstein. What an introduction. I know, that was phenomenal. I mean that.

That was just a God that gave me shit chills. And you know, I know you're, is that your sidekick or your producer? No, who is that sitting next to you? I'm both, Bob. I'm both of those things. Because you have nothing to do with that. It all comes out of Gilbert. Yeah, when I first met him, he said,

Oh, yes, I remember you did the Honeymooners. And you did the, didn't you do wrestling? And some other show, the bisexuals meet the transgenders? He didn't know shit. He didn't know shit. And he was reading off a piece of paper. It's all Gilbert, Bob.

He does know, but Gilbert was brilliant. But you did no work. You did no work at all. You come in, you took your coat off, and read some fucking thing that I guessed you had a year ago. I've got a question. Let's see if I can redeem myself through the hour, Bob.

All right, I hope you can, but here's a quick question, and I'll shut up. Okay. You know, Gilbert, your wife must say to you, would you give me your co-host's name again? I forgot. It's like seven different names. What is it again?

What is it? Sam, Louie, Bill, Carl, Ethan, Diamond. I love that I'm getting roasted by Bob Einstein. What is his name? What should I call him? Frank. Yeah. Okay.

Okay, Frank. I won't talk to you again so it doesn't matter i'm used to it my my my gilbert your wife says to you sometimes hey gilbert honey don't talk with your mouth so full because you're getting a little bit on your jacket okay no no no like we all do we all have shit we do we don't know, and there's something on my lip and all that shit. What do you think and how many times has Anthony Weiner's wife told him, sweetheart, don't take a picture of your cock and send it to this woman anymore because I'm representing Hillary Clinton, okay? So send it to me. And above all, when we're in the middle of this fucking campaign, don't send a picture of your cock with our baby next to you, okay, sweetheart?

Oh, God. What the fuck is that? What kind of a sickness is that? And do you know he sent one one time, and he cut his head off so you wouldn't know who it was as if we wouldn't know who it was. But right behind him is a picture of he and some congressman. Right next to his cock. Oh, God. You know, he ran after all this shit happened.

He ran for mayor of new york he was leading he was leading and sent a cock photo in the middle of the election did you see the documentary about him bob it was fascinating but it was but it was no it wasn't it was boring compared to what he really does yes that's true i mean he's the sickest he's just it's I mean, he's the sickest. He's just, it's. Also, here's another thing I heard today. Hillary Clinton had to give in her physical the results of her mammogram.

I've never heard that in a candidate. And why doesn't Trump give his his tits are twice the size? Oh, wow. All right, go ahead. Go ahead. Do you have any questions to shoot at this, man? We were saying to you all off camera, off mic, that you've produced specials. Series. Series.

You did it again. You did it too. We did it again. that you've produced specials. Series. Series. You did it again. You did it too. We did it again. For four of our previous guests, I can't. Look, I've had the pleasure, except really working a lot with you, of what work.

No, no, I'm not making a joke. I think you're fantastic. But I've had the pleasure of working with the most brilliant people in the history of the industry. And that doesn't include Beaver. But I worked with Dick Van Dyke. I worked with Red Fox, which was, I produced his show. And it was the most fun. I'm going to give you two quick stories yeah

that you just you won't believe that this happens at work all red did all day is coke coke uh grass and fuck that's all he did all day but when it came time to tape, it was brilliant. He knew everything. So our first show, we had a set that was a giant tenement, and it turned into R-E-D-D, and he came out of the E, and the music played, ladies and gentlemen, Red Fox! And there's no red. So the audience is applauding and screaming, and I stop tape. I go to his dress room i knock on the door i hear what i open the door the girl doing his hair is sitting on him so i see her body her

dress and his legs and i said red and from under the dress he said what said, we're on camera. He said, can't a man relax? Then another time I said to him, hey, we only did 20 minutes for the audience. Could you give him a couple of jokes? He said, yeah. Now, when he said yeah to me, I was gone because I was going to get punished for asking that he comes out he grabs the mic he said how you doing and the audience goes crazy he said how many of you people wash your assholes this evening i said give me your mic no no no let me let me tell a couple of jokes he said you know they got all kind of flavored douches on the market strawberry

persimmon raspberry i told my wife about it. She came back with tuna. How's that, Bob? I said, that's great. Thanks, Red. Thanks a million. When you first met with him, Bob, wasn't there a story about him disappearing behind a bookshelf? Yes, how do you know that?

Well. Yes, Fred Silverman asked us. We came over from cbs and we got a a great deal at abc when fred silverman went over there to be the programmer and he asked us to meet with red because he was going to take him away from sanford so we're waiting in his office here comes red up the stairs and he's tired and he knows me uh but he doesn't know my partner alan bly so he calls us one name blind stand and and he said i'll be back in a minute and he goes into a charlie chan revolving bookcase i'm telling you the truth that disappeared it turned around and now was a bar and he's there for a few minutes he comes out how you doing how you doing and he's got white

shit all over his lip and i said red you got white shit on your lip he said i know it always happens when i have sugar donuts for breakfast he said now listen what i want to do is a variety show from harlem i said that is a great idea. I just sold my house in Harlem, so I don't think I'll be able to buy another one, so I can't do it, so I'll see you later. Fantastic. We got hours. We got hours of stories.

I'll tell you my guide. I'm not going to go on. Go ahead. No, go ahead. go ahead go ahead go ahead okay uh well i've got uh my first super dave show we had done six years of bizarre and they gave us a super dave show after that and my i i said to my partner we've got to make some kind of an a splash we We got to blow people's minds. So I said, we did the show in Canada

because my partner was Canadian and it was easier to do the show up there, cheaper. So I said, I'm going to call Ray Charles because we had worked on a couple of our shows. Now, Ray Charles, to me, was the greatest period that ever lived in anything. I was so in love with what he did. So I call up and his manager answers.

And I said, hi, this is Bob Einstein. I play a character. He said, I know who you are. I said, well, I'm going to ask you something. I know the answer is no. But we're doing a first show. Would Ray Charles come up to canada i said i already feel stupid saying that but would he come up to canada and and do what did i say in

our first show he said i'll get back to you hung up so i figured sure i'll hear from him maybe 1990 wait uh one he calls back the next day he He said, he'll do it on one condition. I said, what? That you put him in a stunt. And I'm going, no, I'm not hearing this. No, this is a dream. I can't be hearing this. So he did a stunt every year on my first show.

It was in my movie. It was, you know, you live a life. In those days, you work with people that are beyond belief, talented. It was so much fun to work in that era of television. First of all, there were only three networks. No one was talking on podcasts. If you talk on podcasts, no one was listening because it wasn't such a thing. Three networks, that's all you had. And you either made it or you didn't.

So it was fabulous. And variety shows in those days were so great. Just really great. And as we said in the intro, Bob, you were a kid. You were 24. You were working in advertising. I'll tell you, you want to know how this happened? I'm boring the shit out of you. No, no, You were a kid. You were 24. You were working in advertising. I'll tell you. You want to know how this happened or I'm boring the shit out of you? No, no. It's good stuff.

Is anybody listening to this? Be honest with me. I'm not telling you the truth. Because I just saw... I just saw Gilbert pick up a magazine. What the fuck? Why? If I'm boring you two, why are we on? This show's very popular, Bob.

What is a podcast? What is it? It's the cheapest fucking thing. I asked for a Coke. I got half a bottle here. The other half was already finished. And this setup is like, I'm telling you, I told him when I came out,

I felt like I'm sitting at the airport taking a shit and someone came in with a mic. All right, where was I? Where the fuck was I? You were working at an ad agency and Bob Arbogast. Yes. God damn it. What a great thing yeah okay sure i'm on i'm on i'm on i'm sure this has happened to you gilbert it's the only time in my life it ever happened to me i'm not bragging i'm just i was

under control i i'm doing letterman and i come out and i and I've got a book that says three great stories to read your kids before they go to bed. And the first one was, oh shit, let me see. The first one was, oh, a priest, you know these, I'm sure, Gilbert. But a priest goes to a barber, gets a haircut, wants to pay. Barber says, I don't charge men of the cloth. So they both go home. Next day, barber comes to work. There's 12 boxes of the finest chocolate in the world.

A minister comes, gets a haircut, says, I don't accept money, men of the cloth. They both go home. Next day, 12 bottles of the finest wine. A rabbi comes, gets a haircut. He says, I don't pay. Next day, the barber comes to work there's 12 rabbis waiting so i get a good laugh on that then i then i go okay a 10 year old walking

down the hallway of his house he's screaming in his parents bedroom he opens the door his father's wearing an oprah wig and bunny shoes his mother's dressed in a Girl Scout uniform and they're going at it. He says, Daddy, what's going on? He says, Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. We're just having some fun. I'll tuck you in in 20 minutes. Go to bed. 20 minutes later,

the father's trudging down the hall, ears screaming in the kid's bedroom. He opens the door. His kid's having sex with his grandmother. He says, Billy, what the hell are you doing? He said, It's not so funny when it's your mother is it so i gotta scream now i got a third joke and i forgot that i didn't want to tell this

joke because it had oprah in it and it could it could be construed as something that it wasn't okay so so what I had planned was is to substitute Delta Burke for Oprah and so the the joke is Oprah goes to a psychiatrist he says to Oprah Winfrey what the hell are you doing here she said I'm insecure about my weight. I need help. He said, listen to me. You make $90 billion a year. You're the most revered woman of the last 30 years. Go home and thank God for what you got. She said, listen, I gave you a deposit. I need help. He said, all right, I'll do what I can, but I don't see the problem. Take off your dress. Now take off your underwear. Now get down on all fours and crawl over to that wall.

Okay, crawl forward 10 feet slowly, head and ass up. Back up five feet, please. Go forward six inches. He said, doctor, how's this helping with the insecurity about my weight? He said, fuck that. I bought a black dog-eyed couch yesterday. I want to see where it looks best in the office. So. I bought a black Nogahide couch yesterday. I want to see where it looks best in the office. So in substituting Delta Burke, I did Delta Burke,

but when I got to the punchline, I said black Nogahide couch. Oh, gosh. Because I forgot, and it was silence. I don't. Oh, gosh. Because I forgot, and it was silence. Letterman looked at me like I was out of a mental institution. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast after this.

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio. Exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866-531-2600. visit connects ontario.ca please play responsibly gifting dad can sometimes hit the wrong note oh instead gift the glenn livet the single malt whiskey that started it all for a balanced flavor and smooth finish just sit back and listen to the music this single malt scotch whiskey is guaranteed to impress dad this father's day the glenn livet live original please enjoy our products responsibly take control of your phone plan with chatter mobile score big with nationwide prepaid plans from only 15 a month on canada's Hi, where was I? I'm sorry, I got off the track there. I did not, I think I've told two of those jokes on this podcast. You have on the podcast? Yeah.

All right, well, cut him out. Belzer tells the Oprah joke about Al Broker. Yeah. Yeah. I've told the Oprah joke on here. Yeah. Yeah. He told it to weird Al.

Cut it out. Cut it out, then. No, it's good. It's just as good. It was great. You get, it's like hearing a classic song by different singers. It really is. It really is. It really is.

Speaking of Zoftig women, was there a Kate Smith story, Bob? How do you know that? For people out there who don't know Kate Smith. How the fuck do you know that? How the fuck would you know that? Okay, now remember, I'm a a shit kid but i'm working hard and we have we have a writers meeting a script reading of the of the script and as a mid-break i have kate smith dressed up as uh oliver hardy and and tommy smothers as Stan Laurel.

And I have Kate saying, well, here's another nice mess you got me into. And the room roared. Okay, we get through the script read. She says, who wrote the another nice mess joke? I stood up. I said, I did. She said, well, you're the reason I'm not doing the show. And she walked.

Oh, God. We had to fucking circle her with helicopters to get her back in the building. We love that one. Yeah, but I'll tell you, the Bob Arbogast thing, it's an unbelievable story. Bob was a very hot radio man in Los Angeles. And I loved him and I used him for a lot of voices in commercials. And he had a local television show with his partner, Arbogast Margolis. So I said, I want to come on as the guy who puts the star's names in the sidewalk of Hollywood.

And you'll give me shit. And then asked me how, I said, well, what we do is we study their background. We look into their childhood. We make sure they've never died. And the guy in the audience said, I heard it's just about money. And I lay the guy away and i said i

never should have done this show he said well how would i get my name in i said do you have 20 okay good laugh and i go home next day my secretary says um tommy there's a tommy smothers on the phone for you i said oh bullshit give me the phone i said oh he said bob tommy smothers on the phone for you i said oh bullshit give me the phone i said oh he said bob tommy smothers i said how you doing tom listen um my uncle is a hunchback and he's straightening up today so i gotta go i'll call you back thanks a lot so i hang up and uh and she comes back in. She said, he's on the phone again. I said, hello. He said, Bob. Yeah, Tom Smothers.

I said, it is you, isn't it? He said, yes. He said, I saw what you did last night, and I really liked it. Could you meet me over at CBS today at around lunch? And I'm inside. I'm going, oh, if this is real. Because I didn't care about it. Now it's like I've got it, and that's how the whole thing started.

That's how I got the job, and he put me with a kid named Steve Martin who was working at Knott's Berry Farm, and that's how the whole thing started. It was unbelievable. Without Tom Smothers, none of us have a career, and it was such a gutsy thing to do i've heard you say he

gave kids a chance young people who hadn't done anything it was unbelievable he was one of a kind and this was his career and we had done so well we had wound up beating bonanza in the ratings right they had already picked us up for 26 more and then the president cancels us who else was in that writer's uh room uh bob it was you steve martin mason williams rob reiner um carl gottlieb right lorenzo music lorenzo music yeah yeah just good people oh it was it was i mean it was it was beyond an experience beyond fun beyond anything you could imagine because eventually you could not get in to see our show it's a stupid television show you couldn't get in to see it because it was it was so hot with

young people and we'd get everybody i I mean, it was just one. You know, I can't even thank them enough ever. Now, I heard, like, back then, the Smothers Brothers, they were the new act in town, but they were still old. The old guys were still working. So you would have a lot of the old guys were still working so you would have a lot of the old guys on and that would make the audience accept the Smothers Brothers more you know that that's exactly correct except after a

while we didn't have as many of the old guys and it was all new it was it was and you know we'd get a beetle on the show you couldn't get a beetle in those days i mean uh it was it was and and if we had been able to go on the next year it would have been it really would have been something it's an interesting journey because it sort of started as a typical variety show and then about nine ten, ten episodes into it, it starts to take a little bit more of a political turn. Well, we were really hammering the Vietnam War. Yeah. That's what we did, and it turns out we were right.

I mean, I lost two friends there. They died. I mean, it's just you can't imagine dying for nothing but that's what it amounted to that was a uh that was a tough time and and you know at that time you had you had the hippie cult going on in san francisco and then what stopped everything was the manson murders in los angeles That just stopped everything. Tommy had a lot of guts because the show was successful and he could have

stayed with the formula and not tweak the network but he believed it. He had something he believed in. He was one of a kind. He was one of a kind. Not just guts but well he did. He just had a lot of belief, a lot of guts and we all started out

on the glenn campbell summer show right and and our first show uh was shown to the head of cbs in in los angeles and he wrote a letter that you cannot believe to to. Beating him up, saying, how can you put your show in the hands of children? This is the worst constructed, worst written, worst piece that we saw. And then the show went on the air, got unbelievable reviews, unbelievable ratings, and he came in and apologized.

This guy came in and apologized to us stupid kids. It was like we were picking our nose and trying to get our underpants out of our ass, and he's going, gentlemen, I'm sorry. It was wild. It was wild. Great guests. I worked a lot with Richard Pryor and name it. Here's a question of a story I heard, and I'd like to know if you know anything. I heard that a few years ago, Bill Cosby punched out Tommy Smothers.

Many years ago. Yes. It was when we were doing the show. And Tommy said a few things and it was at the Playboy Club. Incidentally, this is an announcement. Hugh Hefner is finally old enough

to wear a robe. That was great. You know what else is a great story? Zsa Zsa is still alive, they say. Yeah, they say. Because the guy she lives with, Count Von Cockfuck, cannot stay in the house if she dies. So now she lays on a pillow, her legs are amputated,

half her arms are gone. She looks like second base. They should have given her to Ricky Henderson when he broke the record. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Can you just finish the story with Tommy Smothers? What did he do to Bill Cosby? David Steinberg told us that story. I'd like to hear it. He said something that irritated Bill, which now makes you laugh because of what Bill became.

Jesus Christ, America's father too could you come in here a minute please and take off your underpants and sit down on my face just for a minute we'll just try and see if this part works you might you might have this part in the brady bunch just sit on my face please now rock back and forth all All right, all right. Can you hear me? Are the drugs working? Okay.

Thank you very much. You won't see me in the morning, but when you wake up, you're going to be a little sore. You might have trouble walking. Thank you. Anyway, he punched Tommy right in the head. Tell Bob the thing about when you worked on the Cosby show and they told you there were certain days that he wasn't there. The reason that he gave. He'll find this interesting.

I did an episode of the Cosby show and I was talking to like one of the writers or something and they said that Cosby had like an hour a day set aside that was to teach comedy to Asian models. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

That's the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard. If you can name, and I can name Keith Moon before I can name an Asian funny model. Matt Morita? Who the fuck is a funny Asian model? They must have said I don't understand what you are saying. Sit on my face, you stupid... That's all?

That's how you make people laugh? Sit on my face? I feel very drugged. I don't know where I am Now that's funny Hurry up, hurry up I only have 40 more minutes Teaching comedy to Asian models That is just so funny

Thought you'd appreciate it Oh god of Asian models. That is just so funny. Thought you'd appreciate it. Oh, God. Wouldn't you love to see an Asian version of the Three Stooges? That is so funny. God, people make up shit, don't they?

But this thing, this thing was surprising about bill i i and i'm saying that seriously because he was he was god he was he was you know he made billions of dollars and and was really he was great at what he did and and real clean as a stand-up and his life seemed really clean and then all this crap happens just unbelievable you just don't know i've heard that the smothers brothers don't want their shows re-aired or re-released because i think they're they're afraid it's not going to live up to the reputation that it has well i i've never heard that but i but but you know something funny i could understand it because i looked at the show that supposedly was one of the ones that got us kicked off. And if you saw it now, you wouldn't understand why. I mean, it's so mild. It really is.

And yet some of it is pretty brave. I'm watching, there's a documentary called Smothered about the whole history of the Smothers Brothers. Right, right, right. It's kind of fascinating. And there's just to see Pete Seeger singing Knee Deep in the Muddy. I know, I know.

And all that stuff. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Yeah, and then there's a, see Pete Seeger singing Knee Deep in the Muddy. I know, I know. And all that stuff. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Yeah, and then there's a, George Segal comes on, and Tommy and Dick do an anti-draft dodging song. What about Belafonte, Don't Stop the Carnival? That too. Yeah, that was, yeah. Yeah, that was brilliant.

And just watching it, even now, I mean, you say some of the stuff is mild, but I was watching the documentary, and even by today's standards, I can't believe they got away with what they did. No, and I know in those days, there were a lot of marijuana jokes, and I had never smoked marijuana, but I'm writing the jokes. I don't know why they're funny, but I'm writing, food tastes good and all this shit. So finally, at a party at Tom's house, I decide to try a cigarette. And I don't smoke anyway, but I inhale it. And I finally say, what is the big deal? What is everyone talking?

And I realize I'm talking to myself in the bathroom mirror. What does everyone talk? And I realize I'm talking to myself in the bathroom mirror. And I went down and I ate through the entire line of food. And then I came up to this girl who worked with us and I said, can I ask you a question? When are we going to finally fuck? And I am now talking to her boyfriend right into his face and i said that's a joke i'm a comedy writer my friend

now if you'll excuse me i'll go sit on the cake tell us how officer judy came to be bob officer judy came it started out when we had liberace on the show it was a great sport and we said ladies and gentlemen liberace and he came out and we pushed out a piano that was 55 feet long and it just pushed him right off the stage on his ass and then we did something else and then he's playing the minute waltz and i i came down as a cop on a motorcycle and arrested him for playing too fast and the next week we had judy collins on and judy you know had a beautiful voice and one of her songs was uh broken windows and empty hallways and it was so beautiful the Oh, the Randy Newman song, yeah.

I think it's going to rain today. I think it's going to rain today. And so Tommy said, she had already done a song earlier. Once again, Judy. And the curtains open and there I am on my motorbike lip syncing her song. And I finish and Dick says to Tom,

what was that? He said, what? What? He said, what? What? He said, what was that guy doing? Lip syncing Judy guy. Oh, he said, it's nothing. I was speeding coming over here and I got a ticket. And he said, if you let me on your show, I won't give you the ticket.

And he said, and you did that. And then I walked up and blocked the both of them on camera and said, Tom, he said, what? I said, how did I do? He said, you were great, Officer Judy. And that's how it started. And then what that character became was an out for any piece we didn't have an ending for. People thought we were brilliant. But it was a fun character.

But it was a fun character. And Frank and I were talking that you produced or directed the Rich Little. Oh, yeah, another nice mess. Yes. Yeah, that's fascinating. Yes, yes. He was great in that, Rich Little and Herb Boland. Yeah. It was Nixon and Agnew as Laurel and Hardy.

And pretty good Laurel and Hardy impressions, too. Really good, but released at the height of Nixon's popularity. I find conflicting stuff about it online, Bob. Did the Nixon administration actually get wind of it and start some shit? Yeah, they were not happy. Yeah, they were not happy. Surprising, because Nixon had such a great sense of humor. Get a feather in your cap.

What are we going to do if, now look, I'm not saying I'm voting for anybody, but if you hear, do you become President Trump? What are we going to do? What would we do? Terrifying. The White House would turn into a gold cock with a picture of himself as the foreskin his face would be the foreskin that you'd be able to open up and smoke would come out I can't understand this. I know.

And then also Hillary, who, I mean, she leaves the 9-11 memorial because she is sick. Yeah. And she passes out and it turns out she has pneumonia and knew it,

so she goes and plays with her grandkids. Right. That's a hard one to figure out. Come here, sweetie. Come here, Snooki. Come here. Let me sneeze in your mouth. Come here, baby. What are we dealing with? And then she walks out 20 minutes later. New York is

beautiful. And there's 35 people, firemen with nets standing around her in case she goes down. Oh, God. We want to ask you about some of these variety shows, Bob. First of all, Pat Paulson's show. What was Pat Paulson like?

He was as sweet a human being that God ever made, ever. I just loved him. Speaking of a legend, yeah. He was the first of those celebrities running for president. And the one that really worked. It was a campaign. And Pat, what's really funny is we discovered Pat after years of failing. So he would have rejoined her after every joke that got a laugh.

In other words, we'd write a great joke or he'd tell a great joke. The audience would go crazy and we'd go, but seriously. But I really mean it. but he was just he was i loved him he was one of a kind he was a a great just a the greatest greatest guy and did you write those uh david steinberg no oh the sermon no the Sermons. No, those were Davids. Yeah. Yeah, we had David on the show. Great guy. Okay, we'll bring up a name that's been brought up on this show a few times.

Go ahead. Billy Barty. Okay, you have no idea. I mean, it sounds like I loved everyone, but let me tell you what he did. Let me tell you what he did. Let me tell you what he did. On Van Dyke and Company at the end of one of the shows, Dick is saying goodnight and it starts to rain. And Dick says, oh, I got to hurry because it's... And Billy Barty comes out as a show umpire and calls the show.

Said it's not an official show. It will not air. I come out as a show manager and i get into an argument with billy now billy's not that tall and i'm six four and we're screaming at each other and he's yelling at my balls and he throws dick and i out of the show we are out of the show. We're out of the show. Now, the ending of the show is water pouring on Billy. And the credits are rolling. The asshole who decided to fix the water attached the hose to the hot nozzle. So Billy Barty is getting a steam bath. It's 180 degrees, but he will not leave the stage.

That's what a trooper that guy was. That's good. And a name that also popped up on this show. Wait a minute. Hold your thoughts. I'm going to tell you a great one. Okay. I had a special effects guy in Canada

that wore a white Dr. Smock and was the a special effects guy in canada that wore a white doctor smock and was the worst special effects person i'd ever seen but we had to use some people because so i'm doing a piece where uh i'm getting my enough land to complete my golf course i only had 17 holes on the super dave golf course finally got enough land at the 18th hole. It was a par three. I shoot. Now I'm getting ready to putt. And I say to Fuji, why was it so difficult to get this land?

He said, sacred Indian burial ground. And he was one of the Asian men that caused me to start to be funny. Asian men that cause me to talk to be funny. And I said, and they don't mind? He said, no. And I get an arrow in the ass. And you pan up and there's an Indian on horseback with a golf bag and arrows and a bow in it.

So I say to the special effects guy, how are we going to do this? Because I know I'm going to get hurt. I'm positive. He said, all right, here's what we're going to do. We're going to build a special car for the saxophone and put it in your pants in the back. That will take the brunt.

I am going to slingshot a razor arrow on a nylon line, and it'll go into that safety thing there, and when you feel it, you fall over. And I say to myself, how far is this going to go into my ass? So now we're ready to do it. I hear the arrow coming on the line,

right through the guard, into my ass. And I am telling you, you have never had a pain like that. This was a razor arrow into my ass. I'm doing comedy. So before I fall down, because I'm not doing it again,

I look over at the special effects guy, and he gives me a two hands up. You wouldn't believe you use a phone, you know. What are you going to do? All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead. You were going to ask me. Say it again.

Joey Heatherton. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'll tell you two Joey stories. First of all, in her day, there was never a human being on this planet that was cuter. Never. There was nothing. You would not say, God, if I could get that little toe on the left foot straightened out.

Boom. No. Nothing. Nothing. Teeth. say god if i could get that little toe on the left foot straightened out boom no nothing nothing teeth tongue thing boom bang so we sit down and i said joey we're doing four summer shows we don't have a lot of money you're gonna have to go out and try to help us with guests. She said, we're booked. I said, we are? She said, yes. Sinatra will do the first show. Bing Crosby will do the second. Dean Martin will do the third.

And Mel Torme will do the fourth. I said, what? What? What? How do you know promised my first guest was gary berghoff and i had to give him a song i had to give him a song that's what i'll tell you another one we're rehearsing okay so she's got a low-cut dress and she's singing and twirling and as she twirls i see she isn't wearing underwear so it's hello dolly and i call up to the booth i said we got to stop for a minute please and i go in i said joey you're not wearing underwear

i know i said why makes my legs look longer i said yes it does yes it does i said i could see all the way up to your father who's the co-host. Anyway, that was fun. She was just, God, was she attractive. And we did Lola Falana. Adorable. Tell us about Lola.

Just fabulous. Woof. You know, but Lola was hip and Lola, she could dance and sing and she was, we had Cosby on that show oh thank god i had no asian models who else you got on that list gil okay oh well of course a favorite of ours, Henny Youngman. Yes.

Yes, Henny was hysterical. But not totally easy. Oh, here's... Well, no. Okay, I'll go on. Here's a great story. On The Smothers, we're doing a Robin Hood sketch. And Sid Caesar's the guest. One of the funniest men in the history of the planet.

And Sid says, we gave him a rubber axe. He said, I need a real one. I said, no. I said, I'll tell you why no. Because we need you to do two other sketches after this. And if I give you a real axe, there's going to be a problem. You're going to cut someone's head off or you're going to hurt yourself or something so we can't do it i won't do the sketch get him an axe 20 minutes later i'm driving he's in the back seat with an axe embedded in his thigh i'm telling you the truth.

We go into the emergency hospital. He's dressed like Lord Little John the Cockfuck and he's got an axe embedded in his thigh. Where was I? I got off the subject. Where was I? Well, I the subject. Where was I? Well, I was Henny Youngman. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Henny was always,

you know, he was fabulous. He was funny, but there was, it was hard, it was hard to get Henny to do other things rather than just the jokes. Look at him. He's taking notes. Frank is now taking notes like he's surprised. Look at him, look at him he's taking notes like he's like he's surprised didn't like to take notes that surprises me i must ask henny if he's still alive if he knew He knew Keith Moon.

Victorborg. Victorborga? Yes. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Maybe worked with him once, but he did what he did. He was brilliant. Who else you got on there? Okay, Andy Williams.

Oh, loved him. Loved him. Did his special. I mean, he was great. He was great. Great entertainer. And, oh, Sonny Bono. Glenn Campbell.

Glenn Campbell. Glenn Campbell. How about Glenn Campbell? He's on the list. Yeah. Brilliant. He was the great. You could tell him two minutes before air, change the opening song. Done.

He didn't care. he was the most brilliant guitar singer brilliant great comic he was he was fantastic greatest go ahead i'm sorry and you must have worked with george burns and jack benny yes you know what's funny about that they were old then and they weren't even that old right 60s yeah they were just old and they were you know what's funny about that they were old then and they weren't even that old right 60s yeah they were just old and they were you know they're too brilliant to even talk about what do you you mentioned sonny bono yeah yeah who and i did sonny and share and and he was i loved him i just loved him he was just so fabulous, honestly. And here's a funny thing. When he broke up with Cher, which was a crazy mistake,

they were so hot, so great. If you're having problems, fake it. You know, they're picking up chastity. He's going to have a cock one day. Fake it. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You understand what I'm saying? So they decide to split.

Sonny's manager comes to me and says, Sonny's going to open in Vegas. I said, he is? He says, yes. He said, and you're the only one he trusts. Will you come and see his act? So I come, and it's an empty room like this is, and he does his act. And he finishes, and his manager says to me, what did you think?

I said, here's my advice. Not only don't open don't drive down las vegas boulevard don't drive toward nevada don't even think about that area of the country stay away from ever going on a stage by yourself i went on and on and on. His manager said, what the fuck does he know? You're getting me there. But Sonny and I remained close till he had that horrible ending, but he wound up being mayor of Palm Springs, and

he was fabulous. I love that repertory company, too. The Ted Ziegler and Murray Langston and Freeman King and all those guys. Billy Vann. Boy, how do you know those people? I'm old enough to remember all of them, Bob. No, you don't remember them. Sure.

You've got them right in front of your face. No, no. No, you don't. You don't know names like that. Sure I do. No, you don't. That's what we do on this show. Listen, if you were on a dock and I was Judge Judy, your ass would be thrown through that window right now.

I could pick Freeman King out of a crowd. It's raining shit all over your shirt. No, go ahead. Who couldn't pick Freeman King out of a crowd? That's the one, officer. Are you sure? Oh, God.

Now, what was your opinion on Cher? Brilliant. Brilliant. Just, you know, phenomenal. And the people loved the fact that they were married. And she just shit all over him. And he was really cute, you know?

I mean, it was a shame. It's like the Smothers Brothers owned the Glen Campbell show and an hour summer replacement. The Smothers Brothers show and an hour summer replacement. That's four hours on network. That's a lot of money one day that Nixon took away from him. And Sonny and Cher just threw millions,

I mean, not that they need it, but it was stupid. So after they split, you went and did the Sonny comedy review. Yes. You stayed with Sonny. Yes. And I'm still waiting for the review.

I remember that. She stayed with CBS and he went to ABC. Why don't you shut the fuck up? Why don't you just stop talking about the Sonny Comedy Review? It's not my fault. It's a bad memory? Yeah. This wasn't that great, okay?

It wasn't my fault, all right? What do you remember about doing the Joey Bishop show at 69? I didn't do it, but you know what I had the... I got to do Carson I don't know how many times. You know what that was like in those days? To do Johnny Carson? Fuck. How did you come?

Listen to this. Listen to this. I'm taking a break and I'm playing golf. And I had a secretary that was a dingbat. A fucking dingbat. And she calls me up. Hi. I said, hi.

I said, any messages? The Tonight Show called. what what do they want johnny wanted to know if you could do it tonight and what did you say no i said here listen before i completely destroy my golf clothes I want to know that you said what I think you said. You said no. Yes, I know you didn't, couldn't rush. You're playing golf and you couldn't rush over there and do it. I said, I said, Johnny Carson, Johnny Carson, the tonight show asked if I could do the show. Yes. And you said no. Yes. What was I supposed to say? Maybe I'll ask him. Maybe I'll, maybe, yes, he can. Yes. He's in a coma. He's in a coma, but he can do it. I was the greatest. Carson was the greatest. And you know what else? When I was the greatest. Carson was the greatest.

And you know what else? When I was really young, I co-hosted Steve Allen's television show and radio show. He was like a second father to me. I loved him. I'll tell you a great story, okay? Brandon Tartikoff, who was head of NBC, was coming over to do the Steve Allen radio show and steve had horrible furniture in his studio like this place

so jane decides to get beacons and bring furniture over from the house and she is rearranging this place and we're about 20 minutes from air. She's in her nightgown. Someone says, Brandon's here. She goes into a closet, slams the door, and was there for two hours while we did the show. And at every break, I would walk by the closet and say, is anybody thirsty? Would someone like a little nosh, a little something, a bagel or something?

Could you use a cup of coffee, anybody? And then I put my mouth really close to the closet and say, how is it in there? Is it hot? It's the greatest. The greatest life a person could ever live. You know, it's just the greatest. The greatest life a person could ever live. You know, it's just the greatest. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast.

But first, a word from our sponsor. What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one find themselves on a team. Taking on jaw-dropping obstacles all across Canada is one thing. Working together on a team with some pretty big personalities

is another. It's a new season of Canada's Ultimate Challenge and sparks are gonna fly. New episode Sundays. Watch free on CBC Gem. You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario.

You got a Mike Douglas story or two, Bob? I have a Mike Douglas with, with, um, tell me who again. Uh, the one where, with Peter Marshall showing up and, uh, Oh, this was not, this was, this was so great.

Mike Douglas is, I'm glad you brought this up. His, his, his, his co-host for the week was Sly of Sly and the Family Stone. Okay? And Sly was stoned out of his mind. And so he comes out and he says, we got a great show. We got this. We got this.

We got this. And we got the great Sly Stallone. Are you happy? You're getting married this week, I understand. Yeah, we're going to do two concerts and some shindigit out of New York. No, what about your wedding? I don't know if we're going to goiday night or we're gonna play friday night okay let's go to commercial and sit down he said my first guest is the great host of hollywood

squares peter marshall peter come on out here peter comes out great guy sits down he says i understand you're taking hollywood squares to vegas yes. He said, is it going to be the same show or are you going to do some shenanigans? He says, no. When you got a hit, you keep it there and you call a spade a spade. And Sly turns to Peter Marshall and says, this is on television.

I'm going to get you. And they go to commercial. They go to commercial. They come back. Sly is still staring at peter and and mike douglas says ladies and gentlemen it's my pleasure to introduce this man because you can't say this about many people or about anyone he's the star of ringling brothers circus he is known as the smallest man in the world me shoe the midget me shoe comes out and he is the smallest man in the world and they they lift him up and put him in the chair and now all you see are the bottom of his

feet with him sitting there and and mike douglas was sly still staring at peter he says me shoe what when did you first start with the circus he says brought it he said when did you get started with the circus video he says what what does he speak english mike douglas says okay wouldn't you ask that before he brought him out so they now they bring him out and the show the panel is sly staring at peter misha the midget and an interpreter interpreting for Misha the Midget. That was the show. And then another time I came on with, who was it again? I forget.

God damn it. It was a famous actress. And I came out and said that, did I ever tell you the time I came out? I'm boring the shit out of you now. No, tell us this way. No, I just came out and said that she gave me my start

in the business just to confuse her. And she said, I remember. So the whole thing was done. I didn't know what to say i didn't know what to do yes it was martha ray i remember she said i remember you i said oh okay well i can't thank you enough for me but what was i gonna say now i had a good story and i forgot it oh did you ever hear about the time steve went to fill in for Dick Cavett?

He fills in for Dick Cavett. I come out as Gil Drabowski, the head of the Polish Anti-Defamation League. And I'm suing the networks for telling Polish jokes and artificially sweetening them. There was a time... There was a time in television you couldn't tell Polish jokes.

Do you remember that? Yes. Yes. Okay. And Steve says, well, do you have an example? And I said, yes, but I cannot name the network. I said, Johnny turned to Ed. Now the audience goes up.

And I stare at him. I said, how did a Pole get 500 holes in his face learn to eat with a fork now now steve is dying because he's dying and me doing it and he hasn't heard any of the jokes and why does apollo carry shit around his wallet for identification and i go so why did it take 500 Polacks to build a house? One to hold a hammer, 499 to turn the house. So I get up and I said, let me tell you something. I thought you were the one host who had an ounce of intelligence.

But you're just like all the rest. I'm sorry I did this show. You will have a lawsuit. He said, wait a minute minute it's not the polish part of the joke that's funny is there an italian here guy stands up in the band why did it take 500 italians to paint a house he said one italian to hold the brush and four and nine polacks to turn the house so i throw my shit down and the Polish people went nuts. They went nuts.

It went to the Supreme Court. I'm telling you the truth. It was wild. The whole thing was wild. Hey, are we almost done? Is that what you're saying? We can keep going. There's a Mike Douglas story

about Planet of the Apes. Well, he opens with a monkey. Planet of the Apes. Well, he opens with a monkey, Planet of the Apes. And he's promoting the movie and he's got an ape out there and he's holding the ape kind of by the hand and the ape says,

fuck you and leaves and goes out into the audience and is now swinging on the wires and going for fucking bird shit. And they had to blow a dart in him in the newsroom. And you should have seen Mike Douglas' face. Oh, God. It was just unbelievable.

What do you got, Gil? Let's talk about Super Dave. Yes. For a minute. How did you develop that? Well, I did it first on Van Dyke and Company, just as a break in the show. And I went to Magic Mountain. And I was a daredevil.

And I was going to do something never before done. I was going to ride the new roller coaster without being belted in. And in the cars were nuns and kids and everything. And we'd do it and come around, and I fainted. And everyone else had me the time of their fucking life. So that's the way it started. And then it went on from there. The great thing is I was able to take the character on all the talk shows,

and I showed clips from my show, which was on Showtime. And it was like, I did the clips for the tonight show. You know, it was, it was fun. There's that. Of course, it's gotta be everybody's favorite. The piano on top of the, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was so great. What made that so much fun was when we, when we shot it, fun was when we when we shot it we had six cameras for the endings of the joke and we could see it with our eye that it was perfect you know you don't know until you do it but that was and then i had another guy i was sitting in a chair in front of a 25 000 glass ball ball. And a big, huge iron ball was going to come in. And I was blindfolded. And at the last minute, I was going to dive out of the way

because I could feel the weight, the smell of the ball, all this shit. So here comes the guy with the iron ball, gets out of his truck, and he's got I Love Pussy on his shirt, on his T-shirt. So he says to me, where do you want me to hit it? I said, just hit it right knee, left knee, nostril. What do you want? I said, hit it right in my face then. It's done.

Ball comes in, misses me totally, and knocks the wall down, which meant another $25,000 to build another wall and another day of shooting. Oh, shit. And so you're screaming at a guy with I Love Pussy on his shirt. I love the guillotine gag, too. The one on Bazaar. There were so many good ones. Which was it?

One of your specials when you did the steel drum? When you did Stump the Band? Yeah, no, that was my series. Oh, that was a series. I love that gag too. Yeah, that was great. Oh, there's a question being asked. There's a question here from about,

Paul Rayburn wants to know about Marty Funkhauser. Why are we on so long? Is that what he said? Is that what he just said? No, no. No, he says about Marty Funkhauser. Why are we on so long? Is that what he said? Is that what he just said? No, no. No, he says ask about Funkhauser. We're going to wrap up in a minute. Oh, Funkhauser.

We're going to wrap up in a minute. Don't worry. Oh, what is that? He wants to know about Funkhauser. On Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, it's the most fun. It's the most fun because it's all ad lib. So you come to the studio and you see what you're going to do

as far as what you're going to try to get across in the scene. And then everything is ad lib. So you're, I'm looking, and let me tell you what I just saw, which was so great. I can see these two guys from where I'm doing the show.

And Gilbert just yawned. He yawned and put his hand over his mouth while I was explaining and I saw Frank take some toilet paper and wipe his ass. They are so bored with me. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. This guy wants to Marty Funkhausen. Okay, go ahead. Hello? Yes. No, I'm still on. The cocksucker won't get off what do you want me to do jesus christ we got a podcast who the fuck is why listening to this anyway okay is curb coming back bob yes good yes do you want to hear the greatest joke of all time sure well i'm telling absolutely to you, Gilbert.

I told it on Seinfeld. Do you want to hear it? It's very dirty. Yes, yes, yes. Woman's very afraid of the size of her opening. Do you know it? I'm not sure yet. Oh, yeah, you did this one. This one was on curve, but it's good. Yeah, tell it. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go outside and hang myself by my nuts. I'm going to get a very thin wire and hang myself by my nuts. Because you just took all the momentum away from it. Tell the joke first. You're going to make him yawn again, and then I don't know what I'm going to do. Why don't you guys have something to eat, and I'll take a break. Why don't you go teach a Japanese woman how to fart? The Cosby callback. No, tell that joke. It's wonderful. and had a fart. The Cosby callback.

No, tell that joke. It's wonderful. And you know what's great that I just realized is my manager is sitting here and I said to him, what do they pay for this? He said, nothing. And I never had that said to me before.

Look at him. He's looking. I'm trying to concentrate. And this guy's looking off to the side going, I'll get him off. I'll get him off. We'll end with this joke. I don't want to be here either. Jesus Christ almighty, a podcast.

Okay, go ahead. You want me to tell yes yes a woman's very afraid of the size of her opening she goes to her mother what am i going to do i'm so big down there when i marry her he's going to divorce me she says don't worry sweetheart do what i did when i married your father runs in the family go to the market get some raw liver put it in there i'll never know the difference she they get married, they have eight hours of sex. She wakes up in the morning, he's gone, there's a note on her pillow. My darling Harriet, to think that I waited here to consummate our love relationship makes my heart beat so loud I'm surprised I didn't wake you up. The only reason I didn't

wake you up, my darling, is the sun was shining through the window on your face and you were like the pot of gold at the end of my love rainbow. The only reason I'm not here now, darling, is I'm at work. To make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we'll have dogs and children. When the five o'clock dinner bell rings, I'll be home like the winged gossamer of loving your arms, your loving husband, Harry. P.S. Your cunt is in the sink. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Great joke.

Well? Yeah. Okay. I think we're out of questions, Bob. I think so. Well, that hour and 15 minutes went, what the, jeez. Went fast. I talked for an hour and 15 minutes you guys yawned you kept saying

yeah I I don't want to interrupt tell us about your pop before you go your dad was the great Harry Einstein yeah and he died at a Lucille Ball Desi Arnaz roast and he just killed the audience

sat down and died at 54 at the beverly hill and it destroyed my life for a long time and i heard about it on the radio in the morning so and and you know in those days when you're 14 you none none of the other kids had experienced that and especially someone famous where it was a headline of a paper and he was so young and so that was that was a tough one what a great way to end the show just you know what they say always leave them laughing that's just a great thing i was gonna just talk about your mom and dad and a show of his family. Why don't we end it with Bruce Jenner? I heard a story that I really liked because somebody said to you about your father.

He said something like, well, isn't it great that he died doing something he loved? And you said something to him. I can't remember what it was, but it couldn't have been very good okay i i remember i i read this that you said to him after he said your father died doing what he loved that you said what does your mother do and he goes she's a housewife i did say okay go ahead tell that and i said you know what i hope she dies cooking scrambled eggs and i hope she dies washing the dishes today because then she dies doing something she loves and i said what a stupid fucking thing to say and it was and it was pretty close to him dying i'll tell you something else at the funeral

milton burrell and george jessel gave eulogies and they tried to be funny and that hurt me so much that i could never do a eulogy for a friend of mine it was it was almost impossible because i couldn't believe it i couldn't believe they were trying to get laughs, you know? Another great way to end the show. I got a fucking million of them. No, really. Let me tell you when my dog got hit by a car. It's fucking hysterical.

Oh, God. All right. I'm out of bullets. I guess we've got to end up with a big laugh. I heard you say about your dad, I want to say this to you. I heard you say about your dad that he really was a brilliant comedian, and he never threw humor away. Brilliant.

What was so great about him is I used to watch him watch other comedians, which I didn't realize I was doing, and watched who he laughed at. And it was interesting. It was fascinating. And he never threw away anything. Never threw a line away.

I'll give you one more story because we can't leave on that. My first meeting with Red after we agreed to do the show was at his house. And Al and I talked to him and we see with the monitor he's got 700 televisions

to see who's coming down. Sloppy White is coming down. Now outside outside, Red has five dogs that are half dogs, half human. They're the biggest fucking dogs I've ever seen. And you can't see what kind of a breed they are because they're wearing tennis shoes and they're fucking hungry.

And they're all over the yard. So Red says, Sloppy, how you doing? He said, listen, I'm meeting with Blindstein here. I want you to go down to the pool house. I'll meet you in a minute. He said, what about your dog? He said, how long have I known you? 50 fucking years.

My dogs ever touch you? He said, no. He said, well, then get the fuck to the pool house. And we watched like on Cinerama Dome. These dogs chased Sloppy's wife all over the place. the fuck to the pool house and we watched like on cinerama dome these dogs chase slapping into the pool with his clothes on and all red said was goddamn they did go after him and then we went back to a meeting and slap is in the pool with his clothes on

He's in the pool with his clothes on. Oh, that's great. All I need is one promise. Don't ever invite me back. And I'm serious about that. Please. Please. I'm fucking worn out.

And when I'm walking down the stairs with Lee, my manager, I'm going to say again, what did I get for that seriously? And he's going to say nothing. What did I get for that seriously? What a joke Kids kids walking down the hallway of his house They're screaming in his parents bedroom Opens the door. There's his father dressed only in chaps. Mother's dressed in a cheerleading outfit with nothing on, and they're going at it.

He says, Daddy, what's going on? He says, just go to bed, sweetie. I'll talk to you in 20 minutes. 20 minutes later, his father's walking down the hall. He hears screaming in his kid's bedroom. He opens the door. The kid's having sex with his grandmother. He said, Billy, what the hell are you doing? He said, it's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?