Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Christmas 2017 with Mario Cantone

Episode Date: December 25, 2025

GGACP celebrates Christmas Day by revisiting this fan favorite extravaganza from 2017 as holiday fixture Mario Cantone drops by the studio to chime in on everything from the infamous Bette Davis-Joan Crawford feud to the not-so-special effects of “Mighty Joe Young” to the strange predilections of Frosty the Snowman. Also, Dracula plays heavy metal, Carol Kane plays Gilbert’s wife, Mario learns the Perfecto Telles story (!) and the co-hosts rank the best (and worst) adaptations of “A Christmas Carol.” PLUS: Dueling Dylans! “The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas”! The genius of Alan Menken! In praise of Leonard Maltin! And the (triumphant) return of Carol Channing and Herve’ Villechaize! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop now at ca.pandora.net or visit your closest Pandora store. POMAYOR. THEIRMANILEEN SULLIV. THEIRMANILEEN SULLIV. THEIRMAN. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santo Padre. And once again, we're cutting, we're cutting, we're recording. Later we're we're cutting.

Yeah, we're cutting at Nutmeg with our engineer Frank Verde Rosa. And now, by popular demand, and we mean popular demand, Our guest this week is back for a record-tying fourth appearance on the show. You know him from dozens of TV appearances in shows like The Late Show with David Letterman, Match Game, the Comedy Central Roast of Dennis Leary, the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers, Chappelle Show, Men in Trees, Sex and the City, and, of course, the Lerner, legendary and much-beloved children's show, Steam Pipe Alley.

Which sounds like a porn film. We love it. As well as from Hick Broadway and off-Broadway shows, including love valor and compassion. It was a gay play, which is why you can't pronounce it. Fag. It's just love. There's no ant.

Assassins. Yes. Stephen Sondheim. He wrote that. You were good in it. I was quite good playing Sam Bick. Go ahead, Nets. Keep going.

That tempest. Yes, I did that in a pit of sand. I was Stefano and the set was a pit of sand. I had sand in my ass crack, my ears, my nose, my mouth. horrific. That was the set because it takes place on an island. Really, you have to be so fucking literal and put me in a sandpit. It was literally a sandpit. And then, you know, it's supposed to be one of Shakespeare's comedies. Here we go. And I'm trying, you know, trying to be funny. One day I just screamed at the audience and said, these are 400-year-old

jokes. You make them funny. It was a fringe jacket joke that was supposed to remember. represent venereal disease? What does venereal disease have to do with the fringe jacket? It was literally in the footnotes. It's a venereal disease joke. Who wrote it, Jimmy Hendrix?

Let him finish your intro. Sorry, keep on it. Oh, please welcome back. Oh, finally. What's my name again? Wait, you forgot his one-man show. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I forgot that. And his own one-man show. Nominated. Thank you very much. Tony nominated.

Tony nominated. And his own one-man show Laugh-Hour. Please welcome back. Our annual... Okay, I'm sleeping, Gilbert. Get to the fucking point.

Our annual Christmas guest. One of the most talented human beings on the planet and a man who once tried to get into the men's room. to watch Tom Cruise P.

Yes, it's true. Sexual harassment, panned up. All right, so yeah. So who is it? Who's our guest? What's my name? Mario Canton. Oh, gosh, I just released.

That was good. Oh, what a release. Oh, my God. Tell us again about how you tried to get into the men's. Well, I did, well, you know, I was at the view, and Tom, and Tom Cruise was the guest on the post tape. I had done the, oh, yes. I had done the live tape show. And so, you know, you know.

And there was only one bathroom. It was only one bathroom on the floor. And I said to Joy, I was like, I'm staying here. Tom Cruise's like, I was like, do you think he's going to show up? He's going to show up that piece of shit. He's going to fucking not show up. He's going to stand me up. I'll fucking shit on his face.

I don't give a shit. You know, he's always cranky. And so I'm waiting, and he comes in, and he, is literally so short. He looks like one of the lollipop guild. I was like, what? We represent the lollipop down, the lollipop down, ro lollipop down. He's with these huge, huge, like, secret service guys,

Scientological secret service guys, I'm sure, the SSSS. And he comes in, and he was so little. He looked like one of the munchkins that came out of the egg. He was, like, four inches tall. And I was like, hi, Tommy's like, hey, how you doing? like walked into the bathroom and there's only one bathroom on that floor. One of the dressing rooms have bathrooms. The old, the old studio.

Yeah, the old studio. So I, I, I'm, you know, waiting, um, to go into the bathroom and I'm walking towards it and I was going to go in and the security guy was like, can't go in. I'm like, why? He's like, because he's in there. I'm like, he, Jesus, who's in there? And he's like, oh, he's in there. I said, well, it's a public bathroom.

There's only one. And he was like, I'm sorry. You can't go in. You got to wait. I'm like, I got to pee. I got to pee really bad. please let me go please sorry you can't go in I'm like all right I have explosive diarrhea I'm gonna go over

the walls please I'm gonna get in and he's like no I'm sorry again I'm like all right I want to see his cock I want to see his cock I need to know if it hooks to the left so and it didn't no I didn't go in

I waited for Tom Tommy you are the light in my Tommy A Scientological bird in the sky I just wrote that That's us, wow, that's... Well, you know, I'm like, I'm high on exhaustion.

It's been a long day, huh? Oh, my God, you have no idea. Catching up. Oh, God, television is so exhausted. There's a lot of waiting around. It's just a lot. You know, just waiting around in your trailer before you know, and it's 2 o'clock in the morning

and there are no hookers available to come to your trainer, it's terrible. You were doing the president show. You were doing Comedy Central show with our friend Anthony. Yep, I'm doing the, by this time this air, it'll have aired. It was the Christmas show, which was a lot of fun. Right. Yeah. Doing your scaramucci.

Do you my scaramucci. He's dead now. He's dead now. Yeah. He is dead now. Didn't he just have a big brew of heart? Something. Was that a little Barbara Stanwick?

You just, you know, I was really actually Betty Davis, but that's okay. Fuck you. I'm Rusty. You are. No, Barbara Stamberts more like this. That's Barbara Stammer. Ralph de Vrygisard, kiss me on the mother, like a lover. Remember the thornbirds?

Of course, with Richard Chamberlain. I love you, God, how much I love you, Father, Ralph de Riggins. Now, kiss me on the mouth, like, oh. Welcome back. Well, thanks. For the Christmas episode, by popular demand, as Gilbert said. And I did a Christmas movie this year. Tell us.

It's a lifetime Christmas movie. It aired at the end of November, and it may be airing through the month of December. By at this point, this is Christmas Night, it's not airing anymore. This is airing on Christmas Day, yes. It was a very merry toy store, starring Melissa Joan Hart,

Mario Lopez, Billy Gardell, Beth Roderick, Terestr Strong, and many, many more. I had the pleasure of playing... I forget his name. It was Ben. Ben, the mayor of New Brunswick, Connecticut. Yeah, yeah.

It was a delight to do. It was a movie. I'll do anything scripted. Your first Christmas movie? Yeah, yeah. It was done independently, and then they sold us a lifetime. And it was fun.

I watched it the other night. And I got to tell you, there's a sled racing scene in it. With two kids sled racing. The special effects in 1949's Mighty Joe Young were better than the special effects in that sled scene. I was like, what is this brutal CGI? Mighty Joe Young. They didn't even give the kids a wind machine for the hair to blow.

There's just this close-up on the mess. They're racing down the hill. And there's no, like, there's no suspense. There's no, there's no fan. Give the kids a fan so it's blowing the hair. And this one beautiful young kid has got this curly, curly, curly, curly hair. And it's just still, still, he's flying down a hill. Wow.

Not a big special effects budget for lifetime. There wasn't. Gil, have you been in any holiday movies? You would be a... I was in something... What were those two cartoons? Something in Mindy. Huh?

Yeah. You were in Buddy the Elf. Oh, yeah, Buddy the Elf. Oh, I love that you did Buddy the Elf I was in. That's very good, Frank. Oh, excellent. That was the musical special? Yeah.

That was really great. Yeah. Buddy the Elf, I think, I think Ed Asner was in there. That's right. We talked about that. And the guy from, what you might call it, Big Bang Theory. Jim Parsons. Yes.

Yeah, so Buddy the elf. He played Buddy, right? He was the voice of Buddy. Yeah, I played, I showing my connection with midgets, there were my career. That's a recurring theme already. One time Billy Barty stole a part for me, but I played the part that I

think Peter Dinklage played in the movie. Oh, you were the Angry Elf? Yeah. Yes. Oh, wow. That's a great part. That is. Are you kidding me? I'm jealous. That was a lot of fun. Yeah, Buddy the Elf. And then there was something like somebody in Mindy. It used to be a cartoon with a little boy and girl and this skeleton like death.

Okay, it wasn't Morgan, Mindy. No. No. And that was, they did a special called, you know, evil Santa. And I was this evil, like, blood-drinking Santa. Oh, that sounds good, too. Did Dean Coons write that? Yeah, and I think from...

Wrap my mind around going from Peter Dinklage to Gilbert. And I think my wife was played by what your name? who we've been trying to get on this show. Oh, well, Carol Kane. Carol Kane. I love Carol Kane. Hey, find out, someone find out where I was evil Santa and don't fucking ask Paul. Anybody but Paul?

Does anybody know where he was evil for him? Frank, Frank, look up where I was evil Santa. Something in Mindy and Carol Kane was in it. And don't fucking ask Paul. Because he'll come back here. A decade later. This is my thing. You can be difficult, which is good.

And I was talking to the wife about it. She told me that you was supposed to maybe doing a gig somewhere. And, you know, they asked her if you mind if you guys fly coach? No! You don't fly coach. You're Gilbert Godfrey. You don't fly coach. And you're elderly at this point.

You cannot fly coach. You need to. Make sure you fly. Even business first, something. You don't fly coach. Yeah. Excuse my entitlement issues. I don't fly coach unless I'm paying for it.

Well, yeah. Well, you see that's the difference between you and me. Do you see the documentary? No, I haven't seen it yet. You'll have a new bone to pick. I'll watch it. No, oh, I'll call you up and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I know it.

I wish I had seen it before I got here. I meant to because I wanted to talk about it with you, but then I thought enough about him. So, yeah. Yeah, you have to make sure you. you are treated well. And don't, and wherever you're going, you don't stay in a fucking double tree. You make sure you're staying in a decent place.

Not that there's anything wrong with a double tree. Not that there's any. You know, it's got to be a fine product. Oh, no, for me, it's only four seasons. They're working on it. What show I was evil Santa on? Oh, yes. It was called the cock-sucking elf.

It was great. And a score by Neil Sadaka. Oh, my God. Hey. Paul's got it. Paul's got it. He was Aladdin. Aladdin.

Not Aladdin. No, everyone knows you were Iago in Aladdin. You. Aladdin. Do you think that's the only thing he's known for? Not a bad thing to be known for, though. Aladdin. Now, this is driving me crazy.

All right, hang on. They're going to find it. He's got something, Gilbert. He's got it. How about Billy? and Mandy save Christmas. That's it. Billy and Mandy save Christmas.

God damn it, I got a question right. I want that noted in the log. Okay, great. Billion Mandy save Christmas and Buddy the else. Okay, well, Billy and Mandy save Christmas, finding that out wasn't worth the wait. It really wasn't.

What time is it? Hey, this is important. I know. Nice job, Paul. Can you do the part in what? And Baby Jane where Joan

Crawford gets angry and talks up to Betty Davis. Well, did she ever get really angry? Well, she says you couldn't do this. Oh, Jane. You wouldn't do these horrible things to me if I weren't in this wheelchair. But you are Blanche. You are in that chair. And what are these horrible things I'm doing to you?

He's happy now. Jane, I have to sell the house. You ain't going to sell this house, Blanche, because Daddy didn't want you to. And you ain't ever going to leave it either. That was before the strike. Free stroke, Betty. Whose side do you take in the Joan and Betty?

I'll tell you, well, I mean, I watched the feud, which I thought. How'd you like it? I loved. It was good. I thought it was quite good. Susan Saran. I watched it, and I'm not even a fag. Well, no, you're not even a faggot.

I know. I know. Says you. No, says you. Everyone knows you're on the DL. You're a DLJ. Download you. But the...

DLJ, I like that. That's kind of cool. But I thought that Susan Saron, dude, was good. The picture of her voice wasn't right for me, and I thought she kind of went in and out of it. She seemed afraid of it. But she was ultimately good. Miss Jessica Lange.

was magnificent, and it kind of wiped away the whole Faye Dunaway thing, which is a tall order. Whether you like that performance or not, Ms. Dunaway was quite great. But I thought Lange was great. I felt bad for both of them. They were both so similar as far as being lonely women and angry women, but they presented it differently. You know, Betty Davis wore it on her sleeve and was just out there with her pissed-offness, and Joan tried to keep it all pulled up. I did feel bad for Joan Crawford

with the hush-hush sweet Charlotte thing because she got fired from that mostly because Betty Davis didn't really want her there So Betty Davis was mean I met her once She was signing records of Tower Records in L.A. And I bought her her album Betty Davis Sings.

Is that a thing? Betty Davis sings? You're either too young or too old. You're either too big or too teeny Yeah, it was, it's a really, and she sings that. She sings Mother of the Bride. She sings Baby Jane.

Whatever happened to baby Jane? Oh, yeah, it was like that. Like a backer-wrack? Oh, yeah. This is disturbing. Susan Saran did it, because she did it on a talk show one time, so she recreated it on on feud. Now, oh, Bruce Stern was on the show.

Yes. And he, so of course he was in, in, hush, hush, shooly charl. That's right. And he said that Joan Crawford came in, they were at a reading, and he saw, what's her name, the woman who played the other part. Olivia DeHavallis. Still with us. Yes. And Joan Rivers came.

I mean, Joan Rivers. Joan Crawford. Joan Crawford came in. He wouldn't do these awful things to me if I were in this chair. Joan Rivers has Blanche Hudson. I'm selling the house, Blanche. I'm going to sell the house. Are you going to do these terrible things to me?

I know you're going to give me a rat. It's a rat under here. Melissa, you can't get this rat out of my dinner plane. Yes, so Bruce Stern sitting there to read through with Betty Davis and Joan Crawford comes in because she was signed to do the part. And Joan Crawford sees Olivia the Havelins. She says, oh, Livy. are you doing here? And Betty Davis goes, she's doing your part. You're out of the picture. That happened right there. Yes. In front of the cast and crew. They didn't do that on feud

because she came in later. That's what he told us. That sounds unbelievable. That's awful. That's vicious. To me, that's awful. Because I, you know, look, Joan Crawford had her stuff, but I mean, she was, she was a pro. And yet, I remember seeing an A&E biography on her and everybody that spoke about her on that biography had not a bad thing to say about her. She was a pro. But she always did this during Baby Jane, at the end of a shoot, at the end of the day when they would wrap,

she would turn to the crew and go, bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you. And then Betty would come in the next morning and go, did bless you get here yet? Where's bless you? I want to speak to bless you. He lights up

When you do Betty Davis I haven't seen him this happy in a long time That's because he loves me Look, Anne, come quickly They want to operate on my head Remember dark victory Look, I have a brain tumor And I'm going to wear a beanie, a beanie Anne

Remember the ending is so ridiculous She's dying in the garden But she doesn't, she's like so hyper She's like, look Anne, the clouds are coming in Funny, I can still feel the sun on my hands Oh Anna's not the clouds it's me I'm dying, go to Anne, be my best friend And when I die, have champagne and be gay.

Be very gay. And then she dies. I thought Alfred Molina was good, too. Oh, he was mad. He was terrific. He was magnificent. Oh, God. I didn't see the last.

Did they hire someone to play Victor Bono? Did they give a? Oh, yeah, yeah. I didn't see the last couple. And they went into the whole thing about him being gay. Oh, they did it. And he got arrested picking up a boy or something. Yeah.

And she had a bail him out of jail, Betty Davis. I didn't know about that. I didn't even know Victor Bono was gay. That's my gay guy so bad. When it comes to old-time movie stars, Mike's gaydar's bad. I'm like Montgomery, Cliff. He loved pussy. Edward Everett Horton?

Yeah. You kidding me? Vincent Price loved to finger women. Oh, dear God. Do you guys, since we should talk a little bit of Christmas, since this is a Christmas episode. I love Christmas. Now, I found an article the last time we had some controversy

because you and Gilbert differed strongly in your opinions of Mr. Magoose Christmas Carol. I love Mr. Magoose Christmas Carol. First of all, that scored Julie Stein, and I love Julie Stein. He wrote Funny Girl and he wrote Gypsy with Stephen Sond. I'm sorry, it's one of the worst. scores ever and I think he was on a break like a mental break when he wrote it because it's awful it's awkward la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la yeah i took a lot to write that

la la la la la la la la la we're blankety blank blank blank no good really that sucks now richard kind is that in there too no that's rudolph that's rudolph oh that's rude off Oh, that's Rudolph. Oh. With the guy that named names, Burl Ives. Did he name names?

Oh, yes. I didn't know that. Yes. See, I think if they do the remake of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, that the perfect Sam, the Snowman would be Michael McDonald, but that white hair and, you know. Oh, yeah. Silver and cold, silver and cold. Super and gold. Have a holy, jolly Christmas.

It's the best time. I don't know what you've been told I will come to Have a holy joy of Christmas And when you walk down the street Oh my God I have a holy Johnny Christmas This year

I love it Oh the one from Mr. Magoos is Millions of feet Don't walk through the world Make such a lonely sound

Is that Jean-Bacca singing that? Yes. What about the, I don't even remember that. And what about the horrible, horrible, brazelberry pussy pudding? Can I have a Christmas tree with waselberry dressing? A little wazzleberry would be nice. Well, you can't have it. No, my, go ahead.

I was going to say, you almost went to blows on this last year. Richard kind. And I don't want to get to blows. No, we're not going to be blowing. Yeah. Sexual harassment, panda. All right. Sexual harassment panda?

Yeah, that's Tray Parker's sidebar. Did you ever see it? Well, I can't, you know, I've thought everyone knew. That's right. No, that's not my material. It's much too brilliant. Go ahead. Richard Kind, our pal, was here a couple of times.

Your pal as well. I love Richard. We all love Richard. And he said, he walked in here and he said, what the fuck is up with Mario? And not liking Mr. Magus. Well, he never had any taste, Richard Kine. Terrible.

I love you, Richard, but that's a poor, poor, poor piece of Christmas shit. So this is the new Ryan Murphy feud is going to be you and Richard. Oh, I mean, Richard Kine. Yeah. It's over Jim back. Mr. Magoo, Julie Stein's Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol. It's perfect. So I found this article.

This is on a website called Collider, and I know you guys would respond. Collitis? Collitis? That's what I thought he said. Not colitis. That's so funny. I thought the same thing. It was collided.

They ranked them from 20 to 1, from worst to best Scrooge adaptations. Worst to best. Yeah. Go ahead. And the 20th, now I wanted to get you guys get your input on this. The 20th is the, what they consider the worst or the weakest,

is Albert Finney Scrooge made in 1970. That's my number one. Really? That's bullshit. It's so, first of all, let me tell you something about that musical. it's Leslie Brickis and the score is magnificent

you know it takes years to develop a Broadway musical it really does and to write it for film and for it to work is a miracle that is probably my favorite Christmas girl if I had to pick one that's the one so who fuck you colitis okay

have you ever seen it no oh it's really good I've never seen it either oh well could you please watch it this year yeah so I can talk about it next the one they always always show is Alistice the Sim. Yeah, that's on. That's the earliest one, right?

That's on here. Well, let me plow through these. Scrooge at 20. No, that's the one in the 50s. Was the Alice of Sim one. That may be in the top three. Number 19, I can't believe they put this on here. Rich Little's Christmas Carol. You mean to tell me that beat? Albert Finney, Scrooge? Who the fuck did this list? Morons? Piss me off.

Number 19. He does Paul Lynn, W.C. Fields, Peter Falk, and Truman Capote. Oh, great. In it. Number 18, the stingiest man in town. You know this. Yeah, that's a rank and bass. Yeah.

Who's, I don't know. With Walter Mathau and Tom Bosley, I think we touched upon it last year. I don't know that one that well, but yeah. Gilbert, this is going to disappoint you. Mr. Magoo's Christmas 17. No. Jeez. That should have been number 100.

Go ahead. I like the Mr. McGoo. It says if you're a fan of the near-sighted Jim Backa's voice cartoon character, then this Christmas special should be a slam dunk. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, this is a pack. ass. Okay. Yeah, so they don't, they don't love it either. They're with you. All right. Number 16, Bugs Bunny's Christmas

Carol. Jesus Christ, where was that one? I never even saw it. Are you familiar with that? Oh, not that one. Merry Melodies. Let's see. Number 15, Christmas Carol, the musical. This is Alan Mankin, with Kelsey Grammer, Jason Alexander, Jane Kerkowski. Did they film it? Yeah, I guess so.

Live action TV special. Oh, well, because they did it, um, They did it on stage first. Yeah, yeah. Well, I love Alan Makin. I think he's pretty magnificent. They don't make him like him anymore. 15.

14, something called Ms. Scrooge with Cicely Tyson. Are we familiar with this? No, I don't miss Scroo. No, but I love Cicely Tyson. Alan Manken did the music for a life. He's brilliant. He's one of the greats. And Beauty and the Beast and Little Mermaid.

I mean, you don't get better than him. I'll plow through this. And he's got a Bronx tail on Broadway right now. And if you have not seen it, the musical, it's phenomenal. And funny and heartbreaking and great. And I was on a plane once, and this is so typical of me, a guy sitting next to me goes, hi, Gilbert, how are you? And I went, yeah, hi. And he goes, I'm Alan Mankin.

I did the music for Aladdin. And I go, oh, Alan. Yeah. Yeah, you had to really get it up in that split second. He's the worst. How do you fucking work with him? Oh, my God. The people he's let slip through his fingers over the years

They've given him his card And they're card and said, call me or there's a number And I always get into a conversation with you I go, oh, at that party I was talking to Charlie Chaplin Yeah And you go, did you ask him to be in the podcast? Yeah, or he'll say it. I get a text from there

They're hanging out backstage at Robert Smichael's show the other night with J.J. Abrams. Oh, yes. Oh, he wants to do the podcast. I don't suppose you closed. No, he didn't. Yeah, he'll never see. Always be closing.

I'll get F. Murray, Abram. Not that I would turn him down for the show. Number 13, Christmas Carol, the movie. Do you know this? No. I don't. With Nicholas Cage is the voice of Marley. Okay.

It had to be good. Next. Robert Zemeckis' Christmas Carol, which was that... With Jim Carrey? Yes. I love that. You do. Oh, my God.

I think it's magnificent. Computer animated. I think Jim Carrey is phenomenal. It's beautifully done. I like that one. I have to see that one too. Gilbert, did you see that? No.

And then the one with Nicholas Cage, who is Scrooge? Oh, let's see. Nicholas Cage, wasn't he? He wasn't Bob Critch. Christmas Carol the movie. Let's see. And then gives him a chance. I should mention.

It doesn't mention. No. Doesn't mention. Guess what? It's that important. Yeah. How about Mickey's Christmas Carol at number 11? I love that. That's pretty good at number of 11.

That's damn good that one. I like it. Yep. I love the Disney. You know me. Gilbert, any opinions on that one? I don't remember that one that well. I saw it.

Okay. Look, I've seen everything that's Disney. By the way, if you haven't seen Coco, the Disney Pixar film, it is the best animated movie I've seen in decades. Who did the score? Did my friend Mike? It's not really a musical. The Lopez is that did Frozen have a few numbers in it. and it's actually better than anything they wrote and frozen.

I thought that's how good it is. It's so heartbreaking and so stunning. And I was wrecked. I was weeping at the end of Coco. I was gone. Gone. I'm going to tell you, I'm a Disney file. I'm a big Disney expert.

I go back to silly symphonies, the first one, the skeleton dance. That's a long time ago. Bambi and, of course, Aladdin, which are the newish ones for me. But, you know, I'm not a big Pixar person. I'm a little, I know I'm in the minority on the first toy story. It's good. The second one's better. The third one's the best one.

But this is still even more emotional than the third story. Yes, it is. It's a killer. And I like the third toy story a lot. It's the best one. But the first one, the animation wasn't as kind of right at the time. It wasn't developed enough. So the toys looked like the humans and the humans look like the toys.

I was like, this has not worked for me. So that's why I didn't like it. I loved up. I loved up. This tops it all. Yeah, I loved up. Go ahead. Okay, Gil, any opinion on the Pixar films?

Oh, which one? He doesn't give a shit. He takes the money and runs. He doesn't go see their product. He's like Disney. Have you seen Aladdin since you were in it? Yes. Okay, because you have children.

Yeah. Up was the one with Ed Aswell. It was so good. And a great performance by Ed. The beginning of that makes you want to kill yourself. Yes, it does. So does Joan Cusack's montage and Toy Story 2, which is beautiful. Yeah, it's beautiful.

It is. Number 10, a Flintstone's Christmas Carol. No. It's all right. Does this mean anything to you? Don't remember. I can't believe Scrooge. I know.

We're going to, you know. Go ahead. You got a bone to pick. Number nine, a Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. Yeah, I love Patrick Stewart. But, all right, he does all the characters. Can we get maybe Rich Little in there again? Go ahead.

Number eight, a Christmas Carol. With Frank Ocean. With Tim Curry playing Scrooge. This is an animated Christmas Carol from 1997. Okay. I never saw that one, but I loved him. Number seven, The Muppet Christmas Carol with Michael Kane. Oh, okay.

Very good. Very good, yes. You seem to like a lot of these. I like that. I do. Go ahead next. Number six, a Christmas carol from 1984 with George C. Scott. One of my favorites.

Magnificent. I'm glad that's up there because that's out of the non-musical ones, that's my favorite. Let's see. This had David Warner, the British actor Frank Finlay, and the late Roger Reese. It's a great one. 1984. Yeah, I've seen this one. It's quite good.

I have it on Blu-ray. It's quite good. Number five, you're not going to like this. Scrooge with Bill Murray. No. Richard Donner's... No. It does have...

Carol Cain's in it. She's magnificent. Carol Cain is very good. And so is Bill Murray. I just don't love it. And Bobcat. Our friend Bob Cat. I don't like the TV executive producer update.

The screenplay was much funnier. Was it? A Christmas Carol from 1971. What's that? Let's see. Who the hell was in this one? Animated. It also helps.

Alist her. Sim, repriezes his role of Scrooge. Oh, okay, good for him. Made famous 20 years earlier. Do you know this one, Gil? Oh, no. And finally, the top three, Scrooge from 1935. Yep, that's good.

With Sir Seymour Hicks. Yes, that's on Turner Classic movies this month. In the role of Scrooge. Yep. Gil, you've got some viewing to do. And the last two, a Christmas Carol from 1938 with Reginald Owen. Yeah, yeah. And number one is Gilbert's favorite.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, do you left. out they left out one what we leave out Henry Winkler Oh Henry Winkler Henry Winkler Yes He played Scrooge Yes he did

In 1979 In an American Christmas Carol You know there was a I had a I did an off Broadway Play last year called A Room of My Own And I played it took place

In 1979 And I played a closeted Self-righteous Judgmental gay man Who did not speak About a sexuality

And had opinions About everything And they would talking about a Christmas carol and he was saying to his niece and nephew, get up, this show and the show and Scrooge, it's going to be on TV. And he goes, and the brother-in-law goes, which one? And he goes, which one? The one with Alice to Sim. There's only one. Henry Winkler is Ebenezer. Did you ever? With special effects by Rick Baker. Wow. How about that shit? Wow. Here's a couple other oddities I found. These were made for television.

1947, a Dumont version of the Scrooge story with John Caradine as Scrooge. Oh, oh. And David Caradine, his son. As Tiny Tim. Wow. And Ava Marie Saint.

Did he karate chop people with his crutches? Snatched the crutches from my hand. Ava Marie Saint in her TV debut. Wow. Okay. Right. And then there's one broadcasted December 25th, 1949, a 30-minute adaptation. with Sterling, someone called Taylor Holmes

with Vincent Price as the narrator. Oh, geez. There you go. Yeah. And lastly, Frederick March and Basil Rathbone did it in 1954. Oh, that's pretty awesome. A filmed musical adaptation. I'd like to see that.

Starring Frederick March as Scrooge and Basil Rathbone as Marley. Okay. Wow. That's all I got. All right, I'm exhausted from this list. Yeah. We're going to take this up with colitis. Please do.

The website. Colitis is wrong. And Richard Kind. Oh, forget Richard Kind. I'm going to kick his ass when I see him. Don't go away. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. I'm going to wait.

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And Gilbert and Frank, we can't live without you. Gilbert and Frank, we can't live without you. Gilbert and Frank, we can't live without you. Gilbert and Frank, we can't live without you. And now we return to the show. You want to have some silly fun now? Yes, I do want to have some fun. What do you think?

Let's try something goofy. Okay. For the fans. can't wait okay this is this is yours oh my script gilbert this is yours oh i like this and this is not a song we're going to do a little christmas poetry oh good what do you think okay let's give this a shot okay shall we i think you're both familiar with this okay so all right all right ready okay so okay so are we start are we going to say who they are we just going to do them uh we're going to just we're going to just do them. And then I'll, and then I'll explain at the end who everybody is.

All right. It was the night before Christmas, we knew through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that St. Nickley soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. And Mama and her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap. When out on the lawn, he arose such a platter, I sprang to my bed to see. see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash to open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moan on the breast of the new fallen snow gave a luster of midway to objects below. When what did my wondering eyes appear

but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny ranger. With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles, his courses they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. Now dasher, now dancer, now prancer and vixen, on comet, on Cupid, on Donna and Blitzen, to the top of the porch, to the top of the wall. Now dash away, dash away, dash away, dash away all. As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky. So up to the house top, the cautious they flew with a slave full of toys and St. Nicholas too. And then, in a twinkling, I hurled on a roof. the prancing and pouring of each little hope as I drew in my hand and it was turning around down the chimney

St. Nicholas came with a bowed He was just old and far from his head to his foot and his clothes were all tonished with ashes and soot a bundle of toys

he had flung on his back and he looked like a peddler just opening his back his eyes how they twinkled his dimples how merry his cheeks were like roses his nose like a cherry his droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath He had a broad faith and a little round belly And that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly He was shabby and he was shabby and plump, a right old,

jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, not but went

straight to work, and filled all his stockings, and turned into a church, and laying his finger, to reside up his nose. He giving up a nod up the chimney, he rose.

Oh, he sprang to his sleigh, to his team, gave a whistle, and away they all flew, like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim. He drove out of sight. Happy Christmas to all And to all a good night

Martha, make me a martini Oh god That was exhausting That was brilliant That was epic That was epic and brilliant Wow Let me have the piece of paper

So I can tell them who that was Oh God please do Oh my God They'll need to know with me That was That was James Mason, Julia Child, Peter Lorry, Mario's wonderful Liza, Tony Curtis, post-stroke Betty, made a comeback. Jerry Seinfeld, Shelley, Winters, John McGuiver, Catherine Hepburn, Vincent Price, Kathleen Turner. Yes.

Andrew Dice Clay, your wonderful Charles Nelson Riley and Paul Lynn. Trees are picked bymata in crayons. Oh, God. he used to do like a commercial with the gorilla and the big banana ink Charles Nelson Riley Yeah it was a gorilla in the commercial We had Butch Patrick on the show I may have told you this

I know Littsville That he chased him around the set Oh His career would have been over today That's for sure Oh yeah Frankie maybe we'll find some music to throw To throw under that at some point

Oh yes Frankie please do I'm gonna sound design the shit out of that Oh he's gonna make it He's gonna make art out of that here's a couple of quick questions from from listeners oh please do some christmas questions for you boys uh kai kai kai i kai uh i just watched frosty the snowman and i realized i saw a major investigation discovery moment watching karen knowing that karen watched frosty slowly melt can she ever recover from that first of all frosty was a pedophile because he went into

that greenhouse with her and he got all hot and he melted which is what she was should have happened to Harvey Weinstein. He should have taken them into a greenhouse and melted. Gilbert, were you traumatized when Frosty melted? Jackie Vernon, by the way. Oh, that's right. Point that out, the great Jackie Vernon. I'm Frosty the Stone.

We should have put Jackie Vernon into that. And who else? Who was the villain in that? Billy D. Wolf. That's right. I used to do Billy D.W. Bissy. Busy, busy.

Busy. Busy, busy. Yeah. Another one who used to get pussy. Oh, yeah. Big pussy. Up to his ears. He was a pussy grapper.

He was ahead of his time. This tape on him in a bus somewhere, too. With tons of pussy, sir, a chorus line of pussy. Bissy, busy, busy with pussy. I should have put Billy D. Wolf and Jackie learned it into the poem. This is from Big Daddy. Hi, Gilbert, Frank, and Mario. Happy holidays to you guys.

In your not so humble opinions, what are the best and worst Christmas specials of all time? Other Gilbert than Bob Hope as Jack Frost. Oh, that was pretty much it. Easily number one. Yeah. Worst? What is the most embarrassing celebrity moment you remember from a holiday special? Oh, Jesus.

I think... Is there one? Maybe the Brady kids singing something. Did they do a Christmas special? Oh, yes. Yeah. I'm sure they did. But a most embarrassing moment.

Oh, you know what I love? Remember the King family? Oh, sure. Oh, my God. Yeah, sure. I actually, yeah, I like the King family. And it was once with one of the sisters whose son was off to war and he surprised her and came back in the middle of her number. They surprised her.

And she was very emotional. The King family. Yeah. I remember those special when I was a kid. The Andy Williams specials. Oh, yeah. That was too with the Osmans. The Osmans were on that too.

And the bear that used to come knocking on the door looking for. cookies. Do you remember that? No. On the Andy Williams show? I'm the only person that remembers that? What about the bear who slept through Christmas? Do you know that one? No. With Tommy Smothers and Barbara Felden and Ardy Johnson? That's a good one.

This is blowing my mind. They don't show it and you can't even get it on Blu-ray, which is very disturbing. And it's really good. Something we didn't ask Barbara Felden about. I know. Yeah. Mr. Gottfried, this is from Eric Ryan. Of course, when I met her, it was the first thing I brought up.

You did? She's lovely. Yeah, she's very nice. I know her. I like her a lot. Mr. Gottfried, what did you get your kids? What will you get your kids that is Monster or Old Hollywood related as gifts? Oh, geez. You do that?

Does Max want Monster stuff? Is he into the stuff you were into? He, this was a proud moment that happened at this Thanksgiving dinner. What happened? There was, we were at someone's house, we were talking to a guy at the table and, and, uh, Dara introduced Max to this guy, and Max looked at him and very seriously went, you kind of looked like Lonchini Jr. Oh, isn't that great?

See, you've trained your children well. Yes, so I don't need a DNA test on him. And then did the guy slap him? But so he knows, he knows, does he know Glenn Strange? Does he know all the... Yeah, he one time scribbled something on his shoulder and pulled his shirt back and said, I'm the wolfman.

Because it had the sign, Cheney had the sign of the pentagram on his shoulder. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is great. How many eight-year-olds know who Maria Ouspensky? I know, right? The bear of the barrel. Holy Gilbert. Gilbert, do a little Maria O'Spen Skyer from Mario.

The way you walk is thorny. through no fault of your own but as the river enters the soil the, oh as the river enters the river the stream

enters the sea so tears go on to a predestined and find peace for a moment my son is that the last thing she says when he's Yeah.

And even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers by night may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright. Show me one other podcast that goes from Charles Nelson Riley to Maria Uspen's God. I can't believe you do her. I always knew you were a great. Great drag queen. You know, now that I think of it. Oh, a little bit. Yeah.

A little bit. Just a little bit. Let's see your Charles Nelson Riley, Gilbert. Do you do your Charles Nelson Riley? No, I never could do it. Oh, oh, oh. All right, go ahead. That's life.

I was never able to. No. It's close. It's good. You could get it. Do a couple of gay actors. I think Sidney Green Street. Was Sidney Green Street in the, in the, a friend of Dorothy?

And you do, I don't know. Wait, Sydney Green Street. Yeah. He must have been. Yeah, he must have been. Like he's that that Robert Morley thing going on. Raymond Burr. And wait, though, but you do Vincent.

Vincent Price. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, he like, come. No, he did not. Yeah.

I heard he was bisexual. I'm like, I don't think so. He was married to Coral Brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carrie Grant was married to Betsy Drake and was sucking. Diane Cannon's cock. So, Sydney Green Street may have been? I am speculating.

Yeah. I've never heard that about him. I've never heard that either, but... Perhaps I'm breaking news. That's because you don't want to picture. I apologize to the Green Street family. Yes. I enjoy talking to a man who enjoys to talk.

I distress clothesmouth men. He's got a repertoire. This is from... And Eric wants to add, Gilbert, please give away all those hoarded soaps and shampoo to a homeless shelter. You'll feel better. Fuck the homeless. What are they? ever do for me?

Well. Yeah, I'll tell you what they did. Yeah. They bootlegged Aladdin and made you no money. Sold it on the street. On the F train. Liz Belmont, our friend Liz Belmont, I would love to hear you sing the Paul Tripp song from the Christmas that almost wasn't.

I don't think we're going to do that. No, but I know that movie? No, I know. I actually, that was the, talk about brutal special effects. Yeah. But I remember being kind of obsessed with that movie when I was a kid. There's a song. What's the song called?

I don't know. She didn't put it down here. All right. We'll have to learn it for next year. But barring that question, what was the best and worst gift you got as a kid for Christmas or Hanukkah? I got everything I wanted. My mother never said, I love you, but she was like, here, here's the Disney films book. And I'm like, Leonard Malton, you know, I was the only one that was excited about the Disney fans.

Oh, I have the first edition. I love that book. And the big Christopher Finch, the Art of Walt Disney, that book? My fucking head popped off when I got that. You've got this. I've talked about this. You have that wonderful montage on your wall. Well, I have real cells. I have cells.

And then I have this art piece that's kind of, it's a whole other thing. I can't explain it. But it has, it's Disney-esque, but has got a whole kind of civil rights movement thing. It's very interesting. This piece called Alabama Theater by a woman named Elizabeth Russell. And it's all little blocks of pictures. And the outside is all song or the south. It's over your kitchen table.

As you go in, it's like. pictures from the civil rights movements. It's really interesting. But yeah, I have cells. Yeah, but all the Disney, like, I had all these Disney chotchkes, like, like, ceramic stuff and porcelain bisque scenes from Pino. I mean, I was, I had them all. Did you shave any of that stuff?

Well, Jerry, my husband, soon as he moved in together, which was 25 years ago, he's like, this shit's going away. I'm wrapping it up and I'm putting it in boxes and you were not having no Disney Choshkis. So I had to get rid of it. It would have been gone by now, but I wasn't ready. at the time. So, yeah, but I...

Probably worth a lot. Oh, I don't know. No, it's not really, no. No, but the, I'm telling you, that Disney films book by Leonard Malton, I love that book. And one time, I was in Vegas and I passed this guy and I thought it was Leonard Malton. And I was like, Leonard, I love that Disney film's book. And he turned around, he was like, I don't, I didn't write a Disney film's book. And I was like, oh my God, John Landis, I'm sorry, I thought you were Leonard Malton.

Is that true? True? You thought John Landis was Leonard Malden. I could understand that. We had Leonard Malton here. I like that. Oh, I love. Gilbert, what was your worst Hanukkah gift? Did you get Hanukkah gifts? Did you get Gelt? No, I, you know, that's funny. Gelt is like similar to those little miniature candy Santas.

Like the wrapping on it is the most fun, like the gold coins and the little Santas. but the chocolate is horrible. It's the worst chocolate. I don't think it even would qualify as real chocolate. It's brown and sugary, but... No, and it's not really good chocolate. You thought about the ones in the coin, the coin? You're talking about the one in the coin?

The chocolate's not good? Yeah, those are terrible, and the chocolate Santas are terrible. Yeah, you got to go to, like, lilacs chocolate and get some wrapped-up chocolate Sanis, that's what you got to do. You can't, you can't fuck with the big, what kind of chocolate is going to be inside of a coin? No offense to your people.

But you didn't get gifts. No, I didn't get that, like, your family celebrated honica? No, no, I wish. And then I would have gotten, like, loads of gifts. You would have gotten eight of them. Yeah. Eight gifts, one a night.

Well, yeah, we got, you know, I got great gifts. I did, but I didn't, you know, I didn't, and I didn't, And if, see, I was, like, Divine in female trouble. If I didn't get what, like, I wanted, I would throw a fit. Like, when Divine got something else. What a reference. She got something, and she was like, what are these? She's like, I wanted cha-cha heels, black ones.

And I... That was you. Yeah, that was me. Mm-hmm. I remember your bit about trying to watch the uncle with the pinky ring. Oh, well, they were all booking and vetting and Thanksgiving. Watching TV and screaming. And I was like, shut up.

I'm trying to watch the Wizard of Oz. I was like 12 Gayer than anything And lastly From our From listener David Keys I have one request And that is anything

That is anything that involves Poststroke Betty Davis Well you got your wish Okay Because post stroke Betty Davis made an appearance She did She did

Oh yes Christmas is here I have a couple Of obscure Christmas And she used to go on Merv Griffin Poststroke In a fucking minisk

No, she didn't, wasn't her Griffin. She went on Johnny Carson and David Letterman. In the miniskart. Yeah, fucking mini skirt. She had a mini skirt with like buttons all over it. And she went, I, Patrick Kelly designed this dress. It has large buttons all over it. And the hat that has one large button on top of it.

Patrick Kelly. And the first time she was on, it was the second time she was on Carson. The first time she was on. was on. It was before her stroke when Richard Pryor was on. And Barbara Streisand had canceled. And that's why she never went on Carson again, because she canceled the day of. And

Betty Davis said, and she didn't call? And Carson said, no, she didn't. And Betty went charming. And Richard Pryor was the second guest, and he was so humbled next to her. It was unbelievable. This was 1983. But

then when she had the stroke, she went on again. The first time She was in a red dress, and she always loved to show her dresses off. This dress was made by Nolan Miller, who designed for Dynasty and many other motion pictures and television shows. And I wore this to Paris to get the Les Days Artiste Award from the French government. Let me read it. Ladies artist, that's me, I am an artist. Yeah. You know, I have to say, the impression, of course, is brilliant.

But what people miss is they don't get to see you contort your face and talk out of the sight, which Gilbert is just loving. Oh, you must. She was always, where is my mouth? Where is my mouth? You didn't tell us before. You didn't finish the story when you met her, when you were at the book signing. Oh, yeah. The record signing.

Yeah, she was signing records, and she was very like, come here, hurry up, hurry up, come. And that was it. of you, Miss Davis. Yes, okay. Yeah. But she signed it. That was it. She wasn't supposed to sign names and she signed it to Mario. Really? And then guess what? That album is gone. Where did it go? My cousin Jeannie had it and she either sold it or lost it. She might have sold it, you know, that inside of the film. I don't know. Put this out to our 700,000 plus listeners. Someone out there find Mario's Betty Davis record on eBay. Two Mario. It says for Mario.

Becky Davis. Yeah. Do you want to play a couple of these, Frank, and see if these guys can recognize these songs and then we'll just go to music? Oh, what is it? These are five singers doing Christmas carols,

and I want to know if you guys can tell me who's doing the singing. So we'll do this quickly. Do it randomly. You want to do it randomly? Okay. You're trying to stump me, too? I know what they are.

You know what they are. Here's number one. It's not long time, it's not, it's not Lorne Green, as you have a guess? Is that, I don't know. Think, think, think, classy horror star. Is it Boris Carl? John Carradine? It's Christopher Lee.

Christopher Lee doing a heavy metal version of The Little Drummer Boy. Oh, my God. I find some weird shit. I just realized it was the Little Drummer Boy. My favorite Christmas special. Wow. Oh, that's right. You talked about that.

Play a little bit of that again. Here we go, Frankie. A little more Christopher Lee. Oh, my drum. he's playing. I think he's just singing. Oh, my God. That's scary for all the wrong recent. It really is. Yeah. Heavy metal

Lee. That's frightening. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Next one. They were stumped. Oh, yeah. Let's take another approach of the same song. I know. Mary will get this one. Bob Dylan The worst Christmas album ever

He's not even on the cover He's not even on the cover of that one horse He doesn't come all he faithful He does a bunch of them. Oh, he gives it a close. He gives it a good. Hey. Oh, my God.

Do you hear what I hear? Apparently not. I knew that. You'd get that one easily. What else, Frankie? I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas. We've got dueling Zimmerman's going on. This one's going to be a little tricky.

Okay. Looking at the screen, Mary. I'm not looking at the screen. Santa works all day in his workshop, making a lot of games and toys. Then one day he hops in his sleigh to bring them to the girls and boys. Santa's just as nice as he could be. By his consonants, he's Italian. Oh, that's Joe Pish.

I got to learn this. How's bad ass going to use that sleigh? Lose that sleigh. In case of rain, would there be a train that'll speed him on his way? If it doesn't snow this Christmas, how's that bad ass get around to us? Funny for an Italian, there's no vibrato. It was so funny the way you got that. As soon as he said...

I want the thing, the thing, and then it's fucking... Oh, and as soon as he said fucking, I'm like, alright, go ahead next. Gil, did you know that existed? No. Did he do an album? Yes. Oh! An album.

I found all this shit. I got to get that. Too scary. I got to get it. What's scarier? That or Christopher Lee? Oh, God. Okay.

And Frank, very, very canally has saved the last two. I know what you're up to because these are Gilbert Godfrey favorites. I'm going to throw a hint out there. Okay. For podcast favorites. You're warm. Oh, can I get a clue? Frank, you want to give him a clue?

Some say he shattered the glass ceiling when it came to singing. Some say he shattered the glass table. Oh, Danny Thomas? That's Danny Thomas. Yes, yes, yes. That is Danny Thomas. That is Danny Thomas. Thomas singing Christmas song.

Brought to you by Windex. Just a different version of you. It's a windex Christmas hour. Oh, gosh. He shattered the last. He put something extra in your stocking this year. And it wasn't a lump of coal. Imagine how happy I was when I found that.

Oh, geez. That's great. Awesome. Is this the last one? Stand by, I got to cue it up. Okay. You know, Peggy Lee did a great Christmas album.

Actually, it's not. Santa will be climbing over the table this year. Oh, God. All right. Here we go. Another one for you, Gil. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost, nipping at your nose.

Yule time carols being sung by a choir and folks dressed up like Eskimos. Any guesses? Mel Tour Maze A Christmas, the Christmas song. Wow. Any guess? It's not Meltter Mae. He wrote it. Is it Victimone, no?

Not Victimone. Some say he may have stalled when he was recording this. He may have what? Stalled. Stalled. It's a perfecto version, Gilbert, if you will. Perfecto telly? No.

George Mahars! No way. He's got a nice voice. He's got a nice voice. Doesn't he? Yes, he does. And he's got some toilet paper stuck to his shoe. He's got a lot of toys and three.

Do you know the George Maharas story? No, I don't. You don't know the Joe? No. I'm ashamed of you as a faggot. I'm sorry. What did I do wrong now? What happened?

Okay. George Mahars was caught in the, at the height of his career, was caught in a gas station men's room in the stall with a guy by the name of Perfecto Tellies. A hairdresser. So he liked pussy, too. Yes, yes. Wow. He was quite the pussy hound.

I didn't know he was per- You didn't know that scandal? No. George Maharis and caught Fecto-Tellis. I didn't he take the key? What is he an idiot? What do you mean he got caught?

Yeah. In the men's room bathroom? Yeah, in the stall. Oh, God, no. See, it wasn't an individual bathroom. He's a pig going in a stall like that like a fucking cow. I'm surprised you to know that story.

I didn't know. That's disgusting. Yeah. I cannot know. I was very happy to find the Danny Thomas and the George Maharas Christmas songs. Wow, that's two of my favorite rumors. I looked hard for a really hard. I searched far and wide for Caesar Romero Christmas song.

I could not find one. Yeah, and they squeezed out their cookies on Danny that day. Oh, God, I am not touching that. All right, favor us with one more. And then we're going to, and then we're going to, turn it over to you. Myestro. Frankie, I believe you have this

queued up. Oh, this is the song. Yeah, this is our little duet. Okay. And we're going to see if Gilbert can stay either on meter or in key. Or on key. When have I ever failed?

Never. Okay, so we're going to do this as what's written there. Oh, okay. Yeah. Should we say? I think this is what's called a special old memory. that we're bringing back by popular demand.

Yeah. But last year was Betty Davis. This year it is not. I don't want anybody confused. No. This is from, this is a call back to your very first appearance here. Oh, it is?

Oh, okay. I don't remember. Go ahead. So here we go. A little Christmas memory, a little flashback. Our Christmas gift to our fans. Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful.

And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. It doesn't show signs of stopping, and I brought some corn for popping. The lights are turned way down low. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. When we finally kiss good night, oh, I hate going out in the storm. But if you really hold me tight, Out of way home, I'll be wild. Hervee!

The fire is slowly dying, and my dear way is still good-bying. And look at you love me so. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Musical interlude. When we finally kiss good night I hate going out in the storm but if you really hold me tight

all the way I'll be wow The fire is slowly dying Have I dear why good-go-go-go-bud be buying As long as you love me so Let it snow, let it snow, let it snide. I'm a jazz baby, little jazz baby, that's me. There's something in the tone of a saxophone that makes me do a little shimmy out of my own

because I'm a jazz baby. Did you ever meet her and your travels? I did. I did meet her a few times. Yeah. She's still with us. She still is, huh? Yeah.

She's well in her 90s. She must have passed 95 at this point. Hello, Dolly. Oh. That was a flashback to your very first appearance here. I did Carol Channing that. We did when Harry met Sally. Oh, that's right.

You know who I always forget to do it? Well, Peggy Lee. Yeah, we'll give us a little. No, no. Next year. And Lauren Bacall. My Bacall is quite good. You know I knew her.

Yes. And I loved her. Yes. Oh, my God. I knew you were friends with Kathleen Turner, so I decided to work that. Oh, she's a, she's my, I love Kathleen. Yeah. She was on a flight with me.

She was on a flight with me to San Francisco. And she was like, boy, what are you doing here? I was like, I'm going to San Francisco. What are you doing here? Oh, I'm going to San Francisco, too. I'm like, what are you doing? I'm spending the 4th of July in Bolinish. I'm like, Bolinas.

I go to Bolinas. Oh, Belinas is the greatest town in Northern California. There's a lot. the great white shark infestation is just miraculous. The surface all stop when they see one like a prayer circle really in ships

they're abandoned and they go out they sweep up onto the shore I like Bodhounish's bird. Well I'm spending mine in Healsburg. Well, Heelsberg is nice but Bodhounish is very... Did you ever see anybody do Kathleen before? My brother lives in Santa Rosa.

I'm like, I love all the Charlie Brown stuff. Yes, here's a house. It's shaped like Snoop. do you know what's scary is after not appearing on the screen for years yeah she pops up in that last of the dumb and dumber oh yeah and the entire thing the entire character description is how ugly she is that what they did you serious yes she was a striking woman she was striking And, you know, she also became, like, the great theater actress. Like, her, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf, which I think she should have won the Tony for.

We were nominated that same year, 2005. And she, her Virginia Woolf, her, her Martha, oh, my God. And Bill Irwin playing George, unbelievable, unbelievable. Unbelievable. He won the Tony. She lost it, and she was. And she's a good comedian. Did you ever see The Man with Two Brains?

Yeah, she's really funny. She's very talented. I loved her. I'm cereal mom, of course. Oh, God, I love that. That John Waters will be. I love that one, too. We've got to get John Waters in here.

Well, Kathleen Turner. Either one. Yeah. Well, we'll lean on you to help. Okay. Gil? Well. Okay.

He's going to do a big finale. Oh. You know, I have to have Judy Garland make an appearance because Christmas is nothing without me, Ms. Judy Garland. And I'd like to do a song that Count Basie and I did originally on my show in 19. In 1963 with Mel Tormay, who we eventually fired because he was unruly and just very demanding. He did some marvelous material for us, but we had to let him go. And, of course, he was the first to write the book about me. He was a son of a bitch.

So what we'll do what we did last year. We'll sign off. Sign off. We'll wish everybody a happy holidays and Merry Christmas, and we'll let you take us out. Oh, okay. Ms. Garland. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing. Amazing colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santo Padre.

And we've had on the guy who's been dogged by unproven gay rumors his entire career. And I wish they would stop Mario Canton. Because everyone knows I love pussy. Where's my development deal? My friend, this was great. As always. My chest hurts from left. I think we did pretty well

I think we did extremely well The bar was high It was very high I'm Judy again Because I'm going to take you out With a marvelous song Well we want to wish our fans And our listeners

A Merry Christmas I forgot about that We gave them what they wanted I love my fans I love all of you We miss you A Merry Christmas And a happy Hanukkah

And Quanzer and whatever You like to Celebrate We'll see you guys next year Happy Christmas The snow is snowing, the wind is blowing, the wind is blowing, but I can weather the storm, why do I care how much it may storm, I've got more love to keep me warm, take it, I can't remember a worse December. Just watch those icicles for...

What do I care if icicles four months? I've got my love to keep me warm. Back to you, Mama. Off with my over color. Off with my glass. I need no overcoat I'm burning with love My heart's on fire

The flame goes higher But I can weather the star Why do I care How much it may storm I've got more love to keep me warm How fancy everybody It's swinging, isn't it, Liza? It's terrific, Mama.

I'm so scared. Liza, don't be scared. No, I'm so terrified. Liza, the ones with the greatest fear, have the greatest talent. Oh, thank you, Ella. I appreciate it. I give 100%. You give what you can, darling.

Off with my overcloth. Off with my glove. I need no overcoat. I'm burning with love. My heart's on fire. The flame grows higher, but I can weather the star. What do I care? How much it may storm. Oh, happy Christmas lanser.

Oh, happy quads of Mama. I've got my love to keep you warm. and Frank Santa Padre, with audio production by Frank Verde Rosa. Web and social media is handled by Mike Lee Padden, Greg Pair, and John Bradley Seals. Special audio contributions by John Beach. Special thanks to Paul Rayburn, John Murray, John Podiatis, and Nutmeg Creative, especially Sam Giovonko and Daniel Farrell for their assistance. I'm

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