Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal 6th Anniversary Show: Part Two

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

GGACP looks back on its 6th anniversary -- and the release of Episode #300 -- by revisiting PART TWO of a live evening of story and song from New York City’s Cutting Room, featuring Mario Cantone, Marilu Henner, Richard Kind, Paul Shaffer and surprise guest performer David Yazbek (as well as special guests Susie Essman, Barbara Feldon, Tom Leopold, Jackie Martling, Jeff Ross and Alan Zweibel). Also in this episode: Gilbert and Jeff star in “CSI,” David and Paul pay tribute to Ed McMahon, Tony Curtis puts the moves on Bette Davis and Richard and Mario (finally!) debate the merits of “Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol.” PLUS: Mason Reese! “Wait Until Dark”! The Island of Misfit Toys! The musical stylings of the Gilbert Gottfried Orchestra! And a Broadway icon drops by to join the fun! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, it's Gilbert Gottfried and we hope you guys got a kick out of part one of our live amazing colossal sixth anniversary show with Richard Kind and Mary Lou Henna as well as some surprise guests on video. Here's part two featuring the one and only Mario Cantone, the brilliant Paul Schaeffer, and even more surprise guests who stop in to wish us well. Enjoy. Gil, wait.

Is that the sheep wrangling you're talking about, Richard? Gil, wait. Is that the sheep wrangling you're talking about, Richard? I have a surprise guest. Oh! Before you read that card. People love a surprise. Did you hear that gasp? Not Billed, not on the poster. He's been on the podcast.

He's a friend. He's an Emmy-winning writer, he is a Tony-winning composer of the hit Broadway shows The Full Monty and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and Tootsie and The Band's Visit which was sensational. Our guest from episode 23, where is he? The great David Yazbek. There he is! 23 where is he the great David Yazbek they just played the theme song from Carmen Sandiego, which is the thing I'm... I don't know why I'm sitting here. I'm just gonna come and sing a song. It's okay.

Can I just say something? Shmoose for a few minutes. I can remember Forrest Tucker's gigantic cock. I wanted to alert everyone here to, and remind you as a public service to request some Tupperware, some doggy bags because Richard Kind is going to take all of the leftovers home. If Gilbert does. And Gilbert will take the rest of it. That was it.

That's how I was going to end the joke. The other joke I was going to tell, which I have not crafted yet, has something to do with the Jerry Kelowna virus. No other audience but yours would get that. I think. Can you do Jerry Kelowna briefly? Just. Disgusting, isn't it?

It's possible. It's possible. It's spreading. It's a possibility. That's it, that's right. Who the hell remembers Jerry Kelowna? No, it just. Or anyone from Richard Song?

No. This audience. Prematurely old Jews, basically. Richard, Richard. And some who are not prematurely old. I'm sitting at a table full of correctly old Jews. So I'm gonna go over there, right? Yes, you are.

I won't be needing this. Okay. Yasbeck! David Yasbeck, ladies and gentlemen. ["Yasbeck"] I don't know why I'm, I was inspired to do a real Jewy song. I have no idea why tonight.

Huh? For me. A long time ago, the maternal side of my family, my ancestors came over from the old country and populated areas with exotic Native American names like Patchogue Psyosset, Islip

Oakdale, Seville Massapiqua Massapiqua Park Amityville, Copac, Lindenhurst and Babylon, Change It Babylon, little L-I-R-R joke. So this song is basically a, I have no memory, but I do have little flashes of visual memories from Long Island Jewish-type stuff. In the summer of Summer of Sam, of the serial killing, and yeah, and it was a great time. And New Yorkers lived in terror.

It was a hot summer, it was miserable, people stayed inside, but they finally caught him and his name turned out to be David Berkowitz and the whole mother's side of the family was like, that is not good for the Jews. That was their entire takeaway. At the same time, there was a commissioner of baseball named Bowie Kuhn and his whole thing was, is it good for baseball? That's all he cared about supposedly. Anyway this is sort of a mashup of those two things. It's called

Sandy Koufax. And the only thing that matters about it really is the chorus. Richard Kahn is gonna help us out when we get to the chorus. I would like you all to sing along toward the end of the song. But also watch me. There are queues. I'm going to ask you to stop at one point. I'm going to deliver a great joke. Is it hard to sleep underneath the heap, underneath the heap that you're under? Hard to relate when you masturbate, difficult to feel the thunder.

Patio gravel and the plastic grapes, novelty soaps in assorted shapes. Up in the playroom with the metric out drapes, everybody can hear you screaming. Is it good for baseball? Is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball? Is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball? Is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Is it right to choose the electric fuse for your underused libido?

Right to explore when the trigger soar on your bangle or torpedo? When the dugout's empty, pitcher's dead, who still remembers what the Führer said? Was it the liver in the wedding bed of the designated Hitler? I'm gonna sing it again, it's a good joke. Of the designated Hitler.

Is it good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Is it good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Is it good for baseball? Is it good for the Jews? That's the story of, that's the glory of 5,000 years in the major leagues. So I'm wandering and I'm pondering,

where else can I go? Let me go. Let me go. Oh, shit, I just remembered something. I wrote a song with Paul Schaeffer in 1984 or something. Paul's over there, incidentally. Do do you have any memory of that Paul? It was something like It was for the spokesmodel of the year it was like it was something like Thank thank thank you Ed

You made my dreams come true Cuz it was Ed McMahon. It was some Star Search Thank you Ed and all you had to do was reach for a star dreams come true because it was Ed McMahon it was um Star Search thank you Ed and all you had to do was reach for a star and this time you caught one if this chick Tracy who won that year we're pushing Edsels that's who would have bought one thank you Ed, back to the song. That's the moral of, that's the quarrel of Five thousand years on the LIE So I'm waiting here, like I'm pondering

Where else could I go? Let me go, let me go And it's hard to sleep underneath the heap, underneath the heap I'm under. Hard to relate with your head on a plate, difficult to feel the thunder. Dug out's empty and the score is tied, who still remembers how the pitcher died. Was it the pill with the cyanide? Was it the pretzel with the cheese inside? Good for baseball, good for the Jews Good almost for the good for the Jews Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews?

Here comes a joke for ba- And you can throw out the food, you can cancel the band Cause the moil got a boil on the meat of his hand For baseball, is it good for the Jews? Sing along, his hand For baseball is it good for the Jews? Sing along! Good for baseball is it good for the Jews? Is it good for baseball is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball is it good for the Jews?

One more! For baseball is it good for the Jews? Is it good is it good? Good for baseball is it good for the Jews? Now we're going to stop. ["The Jew's Song"] David Yazbek. Unbelievable. Huh? Shouldn't be. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Our next guest, it's a comedian, actor, and yet another Tony nominated performer who's appeared on this podcast a record six times and somehow he still has a career. Please welcome to our annual Christmas guest. And our very own elf on a shelf.

And a man who's still haunted by unsubstantiated fag rumors, the hilarious Mario Cantone. Well, well, well. Hello everybody. Whoa, hello. Oh, I love you. You're such a wannabe homeless person. I'm sitting on this.

Was that supposed to be a f- I'm offended! I'm offended! A gay joke before I even fucking sit down He sat on a mic ha ha he can take it Fags Hi faggot, what's up? You're all dead Jew you Hello darling, oh yeah, turn it around. You know where the head is, don't you?

Oh God. Well, hi everybody. So, it's nice to be here at the Cutting Room with Richard and Mary Lou and you. You know, they could stuff you like a taxidermist and just put you there and the show would be the same. I just got back from Seattle you know. Yeah I know you didn't know because you have no fucking research skills. I did. I was in Seattle. I did a musical called Bliss. I actually went out of town. You know I'm a recluse. I don't go out of town. I turn it all down. I'm like fuck you have was in Seattle. I did a musical called Bliss. I actually went out of town. You know I'm a recluse. I don't go out of town.

I turn it all down. I'm like, fuck you. Have fun in Minneapolis. But I did go out of town to do this musical Bliss that was really, really great. But I gotta tell you, Seattle is the worst fucking city in the country. Oh, it's awful. I'll say it publicly. Come get me you fucking mentally ill meth head motherfuckers. They look at you when you jaywalk and I'm like, what about the meth head over here and the mentally ill bastard behind me? I hate it there. It's a very sketchy city, it's scary.

Homeless are aggressive, they flail at you. I'm like, no, no, no, that doesn't happen here. It's coffee, donuts, and ice cream. That's all they fucking have. I hate that city. I hate it I will never and my husband lives there a lot of the time because he's the artistic director of the Village Theatre Which is not the theatre we did the show at and I I Hate that city so I can't bear that city

I'll never go back Isn't it awful? I just want, and they're also passive aggressive. And the theater was unprepared and they just fucking blew. I'm so glad to be back. I loved doing the show, but I can't tell you how happy I am to be back. I don't want to go anywhere. I'm like, if David Yazbek ever wrote me a fucking musical

and he was going to Minneapolis, I'd be like, go fuck yourself. I'm not going away anymore. No David, I'd go anywhere for you. You know I saw Toothy three times, you know that? Three times. Yeah, that's well, no one has any taste, you know. Look at what's still running sometimes, you don't fucking know.

It's fine. I don't know. Don't test me David, I'll come there and break your glasses in two. Mr. Cantone. Yes, oh where are you? Oh I'm like Audrey Hepburn in Wait Until Dark, I can't see you. I'm like the drugs are in the doll, the drugs are in the doll!

Oh I cannot. Where are you? I love that you're all, I see you. Thank you. Oh yeah, look you got a red light there like you're sucking some laser dick. What is that? I'm doing the Phil Donahue thing. Oh I see you. Okay, oh yeah. Look, you got a red light there, like you're sucking some laser dick. What is that? I'm doing the Phil Donahue thing. Oh, I see, okay. Yeah, it's more interactive that way.

All right, yeah, don't interview anybody. I'm still up here, okay? You can interview me. You've done six Christmas shows. I thought it was seven, but it's six? Six of the Christmas shows, which are arguably our most popular shows. Yeah, arguably.

And I think we outdid ourselves with the 12 days of Christmas. Yeah, arguably. And I think we outdid ourselves with the 12 Days of Christmas. Yeah, we really did. We really did. Which was my lovely wife's idea. Last year I didn't even want to attempt it, but you guys were absolutely wonderful. Do you and Richard want to settle the Mr. Magoo dispute?

You really like that. Oh, you're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. First of all, the first five minutes when he comes to the theater is the worst thing in the world. It's awful. And then all of a sudden it's charming and the music is great and it's, it's, it's, he wrote a short novel and it's a short telling of the thing. It's fantastic.

No. Oh, it's fantastic. It's no little drummer boy. And so Mr. Magoo is Chris McCarroll. Stop it! Wait, hold on, hold on. Wait, it's fantastic. It's no little drummer boy. And so Mr. Magoo is going to go home. Stop it! Wait, hold on. Hold on.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. It's great to be back, back, back. Oh, that's the worst show. That's the worst song. No, but they're all great.

A hand for each hand was planned in the world. And a hand for each hand. Why don't my fingers fit? Oh my god. I love Mr. Magoo. It's terse, and it's fun. It's fabulous. And I don't understand.

Is it a sense of humor? Who was on drugs to love Mr. Magoo. It's terse and it's fun. It's fabulous. And I don't understand who was on drugs to hire Mr. Magoo. Where did he come with that? Then he comes to the theater and destroys the theater. I'm sorry, I thought I loved you. I hate it. You're really, really wrong. I love it. My favorite Christmas special is The Little Drama Boy by Rankin Bass.

OK, there are great. That's the one. It's brilliant because they killed the mother drama boy by Rankin Bass. Okay, there are great- A snore. There are great- That's the one. That's a snore compared. It's brilliant because they kill the mother and father at the very beginning. The desert bandits. Yeah.

In the Middle East, the desert fucking bandits kill the mother and father of the little Jewish boy. And they throw a knife at one of them and then they burn, and their puppets, they're wood so they go up in fucking flames. And it's just devastating. And that little Aaron who is so angry and he yells at us, he has a magical drum and his eyebrows are just pointed and he yells at like the camel and the little sheep

to dance, he's like, dance you fucking lamb. He's so pissed. He's like, I'll whip your rack out and grill it. He's just brutal. It's my favorite. And then he sees, even at the end when he sees Jesus, he's still like, I have no fucking gift to bring. He's still so angry.

It's the best one. It's my favorite one. Okay. That's it. I understand. And I like Rudolph and I like Santa Claus coming to town. I can't- Frosty's great.

Frosty's unbearable. Well, we- You know what? Mr. McSona, right. He goes into the greenhouse with a little girl at the end and he gets on hot and he melts- We both have the same anger. Oh God.

At least I use it for good, not in Seattle where they use it on people on the street. Yeah, with the story of Rudolph the Red Nose range. Oh well, you know, well I've been saying this for fucking 20 years and I'm gonna tell you something. It's a gay story because he's born, you know this bit, I mean I'm actually gonna do it again but, alright so he's born with a little red nose, right, and the mother is sympathetic. The mother's like, oh my son, and the father's like, no son of mine's gonna a little red nose, right? And the mother is sympathetic. The mother said, oh, my son, and the father's like,

no son of mine's gonna have a red nose. You're gonna wear this piece of shit on it and you're gonna like it. And he's like, I don't wanna wear it. You're gonna wear this piece of shit and no son of mine's gonna have a red nose. What he's really saying is no son of mine's gonna be a little faggot, that's what he's really saying.

And then he goes to those reindeer games with Comet, that fucking gym teacher with the baseball cap. I fucking hate him. He's like, right, right, we're gonna play a reindeer game, right, right, right, right. Come on, Rudolph, let's see what you got. Right, right. And then he flies. He's better than everybody. And then someone's hoof hits his nose, the shit comes off, and he's all glowy, and they all panic, and they're like, whoa, like he got a hard on in the shower in gym class. It's all there, it's all there.

And then Santa is like, oh, oh, oh, too bad. He had a good takeoff too. Really, he still doesn't have a good takeoff because he's stuck same sex reindeer dick. I don't get it. And then he meets, then he meets Hermy, the dentist, who's like, I don't want to be an elf, I want to be a dentist. And they go off together.

We're a couple of myths, like two fags skipping through the snow. It's ridiculous. Then they go to the island of misfit toys, and there's like the little girl with the, I don't know what's wrong with her. She doesn't have a vagina. I have no idea what's wrong with the little doll. And then they see that Jack in the box.

They're like, it's a Jack. He's like, no, I'm not a Jack in the box. I'm a Charlie in the box. Rudolph, let go of my key. You're dragging it too tight. Ooh, if you want to stay on the island of misled toys, you have to talk to King Moon Raiser. There he is right now.

It's the island of, it's a gay bar. It's a big fucking gay bar. It's the fire island of misfit toys. It's true. I've been saying this for 20 years, and the New York Times just did an article on it. I'm like, you're a little fucking late, you stupid asses. And then at the end, you know, Santa, he was brutal to him, and then it's like, it's foggy, and he's like,

oh, Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my... Fuck you, Santa. I'd be like, you humiliated me my whole life. Crash and burn, you fat fuck! All right, that's enough. applause music plays I've been doing that for over 20 years, I can't believe it still gets a reaction, but it gets more and more relevant because of what's happening today. What's happening today with all the kids.

I hate children. You get angrier each time you tell it. I do, and I do. I just, ugh. When am I today? What do you think, what did you think of Renee Zellweger winning the Oscar for Play? You get angrier each time you tell it. I do, and I do. I just, ugh. When am I today? What did you think of Renee Zellweger winning the Oscar for playing Judy Garland?

I'll tell you what I thought. I'll tell you. I have a mixed bag with it, but I think, I thought her acting was quite good. I really did. I thought she was, her acting, her closeups were great. The movie's not good. But she's very, well first of all, she comes on stage.

They don't even know if she's drunk or she can't sing. And they start throwing like scones and crumpets at her because they're in London. But they're throwing food at her. And it's like, wait, she hasn't even opened her mouth yet. Do you remember that scene? When she's drunk but they don't know? It's very weird.

But I have to say this. She doesn't sound like her when she sings. She doesn't move like her when she sings. So that was a problem for me. But, good for her for making the effort to want her to sing her own shit. Because she definitely had some emotional moments while she was singing, I thought,

even though it wasn't anything like her. Because they give an Oscar to someone who lip synced half his fucking performance in Bohemian Rhapsody, and I don't understand that. I'm sorry, didn't like it, didn't think it was good. And you don't, how do you give someone an Oscar for lip syncing half your fucking performance? Look at Sissy Spacek and Beverly D'Angelo

and Cole Miner's daughter. That's when you, I wanna see someone really do their shit. I mean, and I get no one sounds like Judy Garland except for me, but that's not the point. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Sunky. Here's it, before you do it, before you make the crowd happy, here's a quick question for all three of you Thank you. Before you do it, before you make the crowd happy, here's a quick question for all three of you about Gilbert. Oh, God. Three actors on the stage. And this has come up on a couple of podcasts recently.

Do you think, in your opinion, we'll start with Richard and move down the couch, do you believe that Gilbert could convincingly, a serious dramatic role? Yes! Yes! Yes! Rich? Yeah, um, yeah, you know, I suppose so, because I've, in hearing him do imitations, he is absolutely in the moment and can mimic what that emotion is.

I don't think he feels a thing. But I believe that he is such a good mimic, that he can mimic, honestly, he could mimic the intention and the whatever the emotion is. Yeah, and you know, when you see that the, I think it's great that it's 300 episodes and it sort of makes me cry, but this whole, the whole podcast made me cry because when they had on I think it was Eddie Munster who's the kid who plays it which Patrick and I go and

that's around maybe a couple of episodes before so why would you do that to somebody who can't help it he was a. He can't help being Eddie Munster. This is what he did, and now that's all he knows about. Why are you going to pick on him? And you don't. You treat him with such glory. And that's what's amazing about the podcast. I mean, you give verbal blowjobs

to every one of these actors. True. And I believe that that is inherent in Gilbert Gottfried. I mean, you give verbal blowjobs to every one of these actors. True. And I believe that that is inherent in Gilbert Gottfried. So yes, I do believe there is emotion. Wonderful answer. Ms. Henner. Thank you.

Okay, okay. Now that I've met his family, his beautiful family and wife and the kids and stuff. Okay, first of all, I don't even think he'd have to mimic. I 100% know he could be a fantastic, dramatic actor, and I hope you get the opportunity. No question about it. Yeah, and not just mimicking somebody, which is fake.

Okay, Mare. And I didn't get my verbal blow job, but that's okay. Mario, same question. What was the question again? You're gonna make me do this again. Yeah. Could Gilbert, where he's so inclined, be able to pull off a dramatic part, a dramatic role? No. The fact that he works more as an actor than me is unbearable to me. I lose sleep over it. No, I do think you can, because I've seen

him walking on the streets like a wann-to-be-homeless person, and I see him in his downtime. So when you see him in his downtime, you see that all that bubble flatten out and settle like a bad bottle of champagne, and you see his seriousness. Oh yeah, I don't know if you would want to do it or if you would actually go, like, go there and dig deep if you'd want to do that. I sound like Stella Adler. This is ridiculous. But I absolutely think you could do it. Yeah, I do. I do. We're sad clowns. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I think Larry David wanted to bail. Although you've been doing the same act for 45 years, so who knows? It's exhausting.

I just did this musical, and I haven't done a run in a long time. I'm telling you, I'm old. It's fucking exhausting. And even when something's really great, you get bored. It's like Groundhog's Day. It's like, I can't believe I'm fucking doing this.

Did you ever get bored? Getting there, you go, oh my God, I can't believe it, but when I'm on stage, I don't feel that. Yeah, I never feel that. Well, no, when I'm on stage, I don't feel it. Yeah, it's different every night. The audience is so different every night. Yeah, it is.

Oh, I don't think so. But as a comedian, I torture myself. It's just fun to be there. But I'm saying it's a different show every night because the audience is so different. Yeah, but you have that thing where you- If you want to see a good show, go on Thursday because everybody has rested up a little bit,

or Tuesday because they've had the rest over the weekend. Don't go Sunday. Sometimes the Tuesday's tricky though. I think the Tuesday's gonna be good, and then sometimes it doesn't. It depends on how people have been flying. It's like going to the gym, you go, oh my God, oh my God, I gotta go, I gotta go,

I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. You guys. And then you get there, and it's fantastic. But do you torture yourself? You do the same thing I do, don't you? When you lose the laugh on something after so many times and you're like, what the fuck? How did I lose that laugh?

Oh yeah. And you torture yourself. I'm telling you, you torture, as a comedian, you torture yourself. Oh, I always say the ride home is the worst thing in the world because you relive what you've just done for two hours and go, why did I do that? Oh my God, why wasn't I concentrating? Why did I smile during that? Mr. Cantone. Yeah.

Richard mentions Gilbert's art of mimicry. This is a segue. Oh okay. Should I get that mic? Should I? All right. Paul will help you. I hope I remember this because I take my gay card away. This one? Do you want Gilbert to help you with the setup? No, well yes, I'll try to... Hello? I'll try to cue him, you know. I'd like to... Hi everybody. I'm Mrs. Norman Maine. Do your James Mason for me? Congratulations my dear.

I seem to have made it just in time. There's no need to be formal. I know most of you gentlemen on a first-name basis. I need a job. Yes, that's it. That's my speech. I need a job. It's not just drama. I could do comedy as well. Well, play something, Something, someone! Norman! Norman! Norman! Come on, Norman! Everybody, look the other way! I'd like to sing a song for Gilbert because it's something that I think I would sing at his funeral

and since he won't be there, I'd like to see. I hope I remember the words. I have a look I have an iPhone. Liza gave it to me because she doesn't know how to work it but I think I'll you can cue me in case I fuck up. The night is bitter, the stars have lost their glitter The wind grows colder and suddenly you're older And all because of the man that got away away. No more his you call. The writings on the wall. The dreams you've dreamed have all Have all gone astray The man that won you Has run off and undone you That great beginning

Has seen a final inning Don't know what happened, it's all a crazy game No more that all-time thrill For you've been through the mill And never a new love will be the same Good riddance, goodbye, every trick of his You're all due I'll kill But fools will be fools And where's he gone? To the road

It's rather It's lonelier and tougher With hope you'll burn up Tomorrow he might turn up There's just no light of the live long night And day ever since this will begin There's nothing in Sarah there A one man woman looking for the man

The God Away Away, away, away The man that you're Away Thanks for your funeral. ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"] Fantastic. My God.

Bravo. Bravo. I had a little chess call tonight. I would have done it in another key, but I had to lower it. Eliza gave me the coronavirus. She drank so many of them she just got a virus. Corona. I said have a lime Liza it'll take care of everything. Mr. Cantone. Yeah I'm back I channel I have to stay in it for a second but go ahead I'm out. I got a call. Speaking of Christmas. Did I really get two calls? Oh God. I said speaking of Christmas. Oh yeah. We got to do it, right?

I have bad news for Gilbert. He has to stand up. Alright, come on. We got to do this. We are reprising a greatest hit from one of the Christmas shows. How is he going to follow this without it highlighted? Oh God, we're in fucking trouble. Gil, you're doing the second part on the page. You know that, right? He's got it, he's a pro. Isn't he adorable, this one? All right.

He is, he's on the view. He's the stage manager of the view, so I know him very well. Paul Terrasio, where are you? He's so cute. Our stage manager, Paul Terrasio, where are you? He's so cute. Our stage manager, Paul Terrasio. Yeah, I would, yeah. Alright.

Alright, shit. Okay. Oh Christ. Alright. Alright, so this is, you're doing Tony Curtis, right? Yeah, I'm Tony Curtis. And I'm Betty Davis after the stroke, so. We're going to pretend that it's still Christmas time, everybody. And this is, this was one of our greatest hits, wasn't it? Yeah, sure. Unfortunately, you made all the money off it

and I made nothing. Oh, let's do it. Oh yes. I really can't stay. Baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go away. Baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go away. But baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been... Been hoping that you'd drop in. So very nice.

Oh, you've already dropped your first line. My mother will start to worry. Beautiful, watch your head. My father will be pacing the floor! Listen to the fireplace roar! So really I better scurry! Beautiful, please don't hurry! But maybe just a little drink more! Put some rest in John while I pour!

Then neighbors might think! No kids should be happy! Say what's in this drink? No, I'm not going to say no, no, no sir. Why don't I move in closer? At least I'm going to say that I tried. What's the shame in hurting my throat? I really can't say baby it's cold outside. So far so bad. I simply must go. But baby it's cold outside. The answer is no.

But baby it's cold outside. Your welcome has been. How lucky that you dropped in. So strange and warm. Look out the window at the storm. My sister will be suspicious! Gosh, your lips look delicious! My maiden aunt is a joke!

Waves upon traffic are sure! My maiden aunt's mind is vicious! Gosh, your lips are delicious! Well, maybe just a cigarette more! Never a blizzard before! I've got to get home! But baby you'll freeze out there! Give me a call!

It's up to your knees out there! You've really been grand! I think when you touch my hand... Don't you see? Oh yes, don't you see? You see, there's bound to be talk tomorrow. Think of my life won't be alright. At least there will be plenty implied. If you've got the pneumonia, darling. I really can't stay.

One, two, three. Baby, it's cold outside. I love your portrayal of a homosexual in Spartacus. We made it! Mario Cantone! Bravo! Bravo! Oh my, my, my, my! We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast, but first a word from our sponsor. We're going to take a, we're going to do something a little different here. We have some people here who have been

on the podcast before. You may know this lady right here who was laughing very hard at the last segment. Suzy Essman from Curb Your Enthusiasm. In the house. Suzy, stand up, take a bow. You know, I want to say, I'm a little drunk, but I want to say I was on another podcast, not one that's of any interest or whatever, and they asked me who I thought was the funniest

comedians working, and I actually said, no shit, you two gentlemen right here, Gilbert and Mario, who make me laugh more than anybody in the entire fucking world. Well, that's the truth about you for me. I always say you. Always. I don't say him, but I say you. Yes, Gil. Now, Suzy, can you tell a story about how we were both working on two separate HBO specials? Oh, yeah. Gilbert and I did, in 1992 I think, we both did one night stands and we were on the same night and I fell, we were at the Doral Hotel,

which now is famous for asshole in chief, whatever, we won't mention his name, but I fell, I was doing something and I fell and I scraped my knee and my boyfriend at the time, not my husband who I'm with right now, but my boyfriend at the time swore that I had rug burns from fucking Gilbert. And would not believe me for anything, would not, like I swore up and down that I had not had sex with Gilbert, but he swore that my knee burns were from being on my knees giving Gilbert a blow job.

Suzy Essman. We got a couple of other people here, podcast guests. Original Saturday Night Live writer, the creator of characters like Roseanne Roseanne, co-curator of Roseanne Roseanne, Dana and Emily Lattella, and the co-creator of the wonderful It's Gary Shandling show and a writer for Curb Your Enthusiasm and a million other things. How many times have you been on with us? Three times? Two times? Two times. Number three is coming up. The great Alan Zweibel, ladies and gentlemen. Not unlike Suzy, I was on another podcast and I was asked who I thought were the two funniest storytellers and I told on another podcast and I was asked who I thought were the two funniest

storytellers and I told them Richard Kind and Mary Lou Hannah. So we can put that together. This is one great show and what I can't get over all the time that I'm with you Gilbert is Dara. I can't believe it's been five years and there was a for your 60th birthday there was a dinner party and we went around the table and we gave you know toast to you and I think it was Paul Schaeffer who said that Dara is the best thing that ever happened to you.

And I corrected him. I said, no, no, no. Dara is the only thing that's ever happened to you. I'm thrilled to be here. So is my wife, Robin. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. And congratulations. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Let's see who else we have here. Another pretty accomplished comedy writer of Seinfeld and Will and Grace. And cheers, the legendary Tom Leopold. A few words, my friend. I refuse to cry. I refuse to cry.

I refuse to cry. Oh, you know, where are you, Frankie? You know, I gave up my TED Talk to be here tonight. Which is fortunate because I hadn't really worked it out. You know, I hadn't really figured out what I was gonna say at the Ted talk. What is your question, Frank? Gilbert, you know, a lot of people say there's no place to be bad anymore. And I think that you, you have, you've established a place.

And I, God bless you. God bless you. And I love you. And I love Dara. Okay. Thanks, buddy. I love this table. Here's a man who's been on the podcast three times. Very wonderful, terrific guest. I think you know him as Jackie the Jokeman Martley. First of all, thank you very much for the two hour lesson in why I'm not as fucking famous as the rest of you. You're all incredible. I, very, millions of years ago, I never got any actor, I never got shit,

but me and Gilbert got stuck in some horrible show that was on some channel It was around for 15 minutes, and we're in Las Vegas And I don't know whether it's the spring or the fall, but Las Vegas is a beautiful Place during the day, but then it drops 20 or 30 degrees, and we're doing this horrible show and Dinner time so we're in the trailer trailer and I'm getting the full Gilbert. I got an hour of Gilbert doing Ed Sullivan cursing at Jackie Mason for giving the ring. I thought I was going to piss myself. And we're exchanging jokes and it's so great. Finally they say it's dinner time. Now we're the stars of this show So they're making steaks on the barbecue outside, but it's like

fucking 30 degrees out there and the entire cast and crew are in line Freezing their balls off waiting to eat and we go out and go to the front of the line And of course everybody's pissed off and the guys are making steaks, and they hit me a steak, and they hit Gilbert another steak, and fucking Gilbert goes, can I have another one? I dropped my plate and got the fuck out of there, man. I love you, Gilbert, I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. We also have to, Gilbert, do you remember the first podcast, well really the only podcast where a guest ever fed us, invited us into their home. Oh yes. Who would that be?

What? There was lemonade, ice tea, fruit, cheese and crackers. Yes. Out of 300 shows only one guest ever invited us in and fed us and that is legendary Barbara Felden. 99 in the house. I had to feed you because I'm not funny. When you asked me to do the show, I thought, I feel very honored, but I was bemused that you would want to interview me. I was very nervous when the two of you came in, and of course Dara came in with her like angelic kind of persona and the afternoon I remember it so sweetly because you were so dear and you are so dear and Dara is such a love and And Frank was wonderful.

And I thank you for the opportunity. And I didn't need to be funny at all. Thank you, Barbara. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being here, Dara. Thank you for being here. And I say Barbara is still totally hot. She is.

All right, we're going to make Barbara, because it's your birthday, we're going to make Barbara give you one, right? You know what to say. You know he likes the... Oh, Max. What better way to cut the sentiment, Gilbert? And you could do much fucking better than Buddy. Buddy Mantia. Comedian Buddy Mantia. I'm a comedian buddy man to you. What better way to cut the sentiment Gilbert,

than with the roast master general himself. The one the only Jeffrey Ross. Oh come on. Terrific. What a party. Where else might I 69 with 99? No expense spared. You got the old couch from Harvey Weinstein's office.

I'm really enjoying this reenactment of last night's Democratic debate. I flew in special for this, so the joke is on me. I couldn't miss this for so many reasons. Dara and Gilbert are very very dear friends of mine. The fact that they're together is a fucking miracle and I do enjoy celebrating it all the time. The fact that Gilbert has children, despite some of the things he's said and done. Years ago, we, you know, to talk about the dramatic actor thing for a second, I did a dramatic part with Gilbert on CSI. Do you remember this, Gilbert?

Oh yeah. By the way, Gilbert will never get another part because he's been recently meat-toed by Dolores Del Rio. But we were on CSI and we had hours to kill in the valley. It was very hot. And the Beast story, you know, we were doing, playing dramatic roles as comedians in a dramatic role where I was poisoned by my opening act. And Gilbert was that opening act.

And it was very serious. But the Beast story involved children, so there were other trailers nearby with children. They weren't in our scenes and we weren't in their scenes. But we were a solid, and they spent most of the day with tutors and their parents would float around. We didn't get too involved in what was going on with that part of the show. But just with the earshot He would test to see who could hear him while he was talking to me Gilbert would

Apropos to nothing just say big black cock Just to see the reaction to see if any of the tutors or parents would just turn around and they're 50, 60 feet away. But I'd say, Gilbert, how did your scene go? It was great, but there was not enough big black cock. And now you have children. When Gilbert first had kids, he's the first celebrity, People magazine offered him a million dollars never to take pictures. You know? Somehow, somehow you created this amazing life

and you give us, your friends, your fans, so much joy. A podcast, a live show, whatever it is, Gilbert, when I go on your show and you come on my show, I always know it's gonna be a home run and I couldn't miss this. So Tara, happy 50th Gilbert whatever the fuck you are Frank you're annoying before we wrap up the show and we have a big finish we want to introduce

another showbiz legend who was kind enough to come down here and watch the show and support us. A living legend, Mr fucking Boreen. Yeah. Las Vegas. Did you know that? Chicago with Mary Lou? Yes. Yeah, we did, we did Chicago together.

We did Chicago together in 99. And you were fabulous, girlfriend. 1999, it was a Tuesday. Yeah. Thank you, baby. Future podcast guest, Ben Boreen. You have to do it. You have to do it.

You have to do it. You have to do it. You have to do it. You have to do it. You have to do it. You have to do it. You have to do it. You have to do it. 1999 it was a Tuesday yeah thank you baby future podcast guest Ben Bureed. You have to do it. Ben I need Ben Bureed to know my first Broadway show I was 12 years old was Pippin yeah and I saw you and I'll never forget it it was it changed my life changed my life thank you and youanged my life. Thank you. And you were so magnificent. When those fucking hands came up, I was like,

what the fuck is that? My head popped off. So I think you're brilliant. And I love you and all that jazz. You're phenomenal in that. You're just magnificent. Thank you. That's all.

I had to tell you. Wow. I feel like Jerry at the telephone. Another legendary pop culture figure, Mason Reese, ladies and gentlemen. Hey everybody. Hey guys, over here. I'm the little guy that you can't see Good Gilbert likes to hang out with me because he's taller than I am

So that makes them very happy. It's a pleasure to be here. Thanks for coming out. Thanks for coming out What a night if only Gilbert if only there were a man in the house, a showman, a performer dynamic enough to possibly close and cap such an evening. I can't imagine anyone being able to do that. Can you think of anybody? It would have to be someone who truly loves showbiz and loves the spotlight. Somebody who loves show business. Would he be a Renaissance man Gilbert? A total Renaissance man. He's a gentleman and a gentleman. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Schaefer! Thank you everybody. Thank you everybody. Thank you.

First of all, I want to thank Frank and Gilbert for giving me this spot in the show because my God, no seriously, to follow all these people is a thrill and a privilege. But Frank said go right to the piano because the couch will be filled by the time you get on. So he said go and be like you're playing for Bette Midler at the Continental Bass playing for Fagalas and you gotta sit there at the piano with a towel over your cock. And I'm happy to do that.

I only wrote one song so I'm gonna get on and off fast. I wrote this with the late great Paul Jabara. Thank you. It's not my wife's favorite song. She said can't don't you want to be known for anything else why just just that one song? I said, you know, does Frankie Valli get tired of doing Sherry? No, does it every single time. So with that in mind. ["Humidity is Rising"]

The humidity is rising, the barometer's getting low According to all sources, the straight's the place to go So, it's tonight for the first time Just about a half past ten For the first time in history It's gonna start raining men It's raining men Hallelujah, it's raining men Amen Well, I'm gonna go out, gonna let myself get

Absolutely soaking wet It's raining men, hallelujah It's raining men, every specimen Well, tall, blond, dark and lean Rough and tough and strong and mean God bless Mother Nature She's a single woman too She took all to Heavens

And she did what she had to do Well, she fought every angel, rearranged the sky, so that each and every woman find the perfect guy. It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men, amen. Hallelujah, it's raining men, amen, it's raining men, Hallelujah, it's raining men, amen Feel stormy weather moving in About to begin

Hear the thunder Don't you lose your head Rip off the roof and stay in bed It's waiting, man Hallelujah It's waiting, man Amen It's waiting, man Hallelujah

Amen Amen It's You got the tall Blonde Dark and mean Rough and tough and strong and mean Man, hallelujah, it's raining men

Good God, it's raining men, yeah Thank you all. And to Gilbert Gottfried, thanks to the Padre. Thanks everybody. We gotta go to bed. Good night. Thank you guys. We cannot follow the great Paul Schaefer. We're going to thank the cutting room, Steve and Susan and Gerard. We want to thank again Sirius, our engineers tonight for the podcast, Scott, Dave and Nick.

Paul Terrasio, where are you Paul? to our stage manager, Joe and Sed, how about for the Gilbert Godfrey Trio? Julie and Joe McGinty and Sed Saltzman. We want to thank Allen Zweibel, Mason Reese, Ben Boreen, Tom Leopold, Jackie the Jokeman, Jeffrey Ross, Susie Eschman. Who have I forgot? And these wonderful people, Mario Cantu, Richard Kind, Richard where are ya? Come on out, Richard Kind, Mary Lou Henner, David Yazbek, and the great Paul Schaeffer.

Thank you all for coming. We love you. Thank you. Good night! Thank you! Good night! Good night! Good night! Thank you.