Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Jackie Martling and Billy West

Episode Date: April 17, 2025

GGACP salutes National Humor Month AND celebrates the birthday of voice actor Billy West (b. April 16) by revisiting this fan favorite interview with Billy and comedian -- and former "Howard Stern Sho...w" colleague -- Jackie Martling. In this episode, the boys discuss the cinema of George Pal, the versatility of Paul Frees, the uniqueness of Peter Sellers and the enduring legend of Joe Franklin. Also, Jonathan Winters disses Don Adams, Jack Carter guests on “Ren & Stimpy,” Billy meets The Man from Uncle and Jackie weighs in on the Gilbert-Shecky Greene clash. PLUS: “Shock Theater”! “7 Faces of Dr. Lao”! The return of the Jackie puppet! Curly Howard takes a bullet! And George Jessel duets with…George Jessel? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:59 TV comics, movie stars, hit singles and some toys Trivia and dirty jokes, an evening with the boys Once is never good enough for something so fantastic So here's another Gilbert and Franks Here's another Gilbert and Franks Colossal Classic Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast and our two guests have been on this podcast 300 times between them and they need no introduction but we're gonna go ahead and give them introductions anyway. Hey what's the worst thing about fucking a horse in the ass?
Starting point is 00:02:17 What? When it's his turn. Now we really need no introduction. That's a dad joke. That's what people say to me when I make a joke on Twitter. I get all these young people go, nice dad joke. Stop it. Stop it, Billy. I get that all the time. Do you really? That's dad joke. Stop it. Stop it, Billy. I get that all the time.
Starting point is 00:02:46 Do you really? They want dad jokes. I could be their grandfather. I have every right to take it. Dad jokes. You'd be a great grandfather joke. They just want to push you around. But but you guys are the two comedic minds that I just I feel so great
Starting point is 00:03:01 being around and help me write a joke. Two dad jokes walk into a bar. Ha ha ha ha ha! Jesus Christ. You want to hear your intros? Go ahead. Oh yeah, I'm sorry about that. That's okay. Ahem.
Starting point is 00:03:15 That's Jackie's fault. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Jackie Martling! Ha ha ha ha ha! Is a writer, author, occasional actor. He was in The Watcher with me. Yes, classic. Yes, that was ignored by the Academy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:40 Ironically. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And one of the most recognized and popular comedians of his generation is 2017 memoir The Jokeman Bound to Stern is available on Amazon, Kindle and everywhere books are sold and a new documentary called Jokeman will premiere in the fall of 2019. He's also a personal friend of Willie Nelson's I didn't put that in there Frank! and has been known to take off his pants in public.
Starting point is 00:04:22 That I'm have put in. Billy West is a musician, comedian, actor, award-winning voice actors, who's provided voices of hundreds of popular characters, including Wren and Stimpy, Bugs Bunny, Popeye, Elmer Fudd, Futurama's professor, Farnsworth, and Dr. Zoidberg, and other roles to numerous dimensions. As a musician, he's played and toured with legends such as Brian Wilson and Roy Orbison. His new animated Netflix series is the Matt Groening or- or Groening. Gra- Matt Groening. Whatever. Uh, Disenchantment. He also knows more about Larry Fine and Goldfries than
Starting point is 00:05:20 anyone in their right mind should know. Please welcome to the podcast two of the funniest sons of bitches walking on the planet, Jackie Martlin and Billy West. Wow, thank you very much. What a drum roll, thank you. Hi, boys. So Jesus is on the cross, one of the disciples takes a claw disciples and frees one of his hands Jesus hands goes down and he jacks off all over the other disciples that you got your hand free and the first thing you do is jack off he says well tell
Starting point is 00:05:59 you the truth I put my hand down there cup of myself and I forgot about the fucking hole. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Are you going to do that for now, are you little cocksucker? You are my permission. That might be one of the best things I ever did. I'm sorry that it had to be from you, but... How many different Jackie laughs did you have, Bill, in the repertoire?
Starting point is 00:06:25 I don't know, I was imitating the ones they had, like, at the ready. Oh, do them all in a row! Give us some medley. There's like, there's one where, like, if you see a clown with blood on his costume, and you look at him and Jackie had this laugh that would say, Oh my God, like, Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy And Jackie had this laugh that would say, oh my God, like, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. It was so sinister.
Starting point is 00:06:53 Sin sense for Sadie. Was that what you're going to do? Fred was responsible for all of it. Fred Norris. And I got the blame, and I got the credit. He recorded everyone, isolated every laugh, and he played it at every horrible place. And people say, that's the funniest thing you do. And I'm like, I can't take credit for it, but I can't take the blame either.
Starting point is 00:07:14 I was never doing that. This used to happen to me a lot. Still does. Where like they'll announce a tragic situation on the Stern Show and they'll play my laugh. When, yeah. And I was, and it'll be a show I wasn't even listening to, and I'll look on my Twitter, and it's a million Twitters going, well, maybe you think a baby falling out of a window is funny, but I assure you I do not. An ex-fan.
Starting point is 00:07:42 But I assure you I do not A-N-X fan Fucking Fred is great You know, I used to, he used to go Woohoo, woohoo One day I said, what the hell is that? He says, that's you, I said, you're crazy Then one day I was listening back to his show And I heard myself between jokes
Starting point is 00:07:57 It was like a break and I went, hee hee And like, wow, and I came in like an idiot And said, Fred, I can't believe you're right He had listened to it and he went through the thing and took every, and the next day, oh, a Cub Scout got hit by a bus. Ah! Ah!
Starting point is 00:08:11 Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Starting point is 00:08:18 Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Starting point is 00:08:27 oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, before I told Howard I said hey Howard I think that Lucy is not long for this
Starting point is 00:08:45 world you know and we all loved her I mean but but you know we were a little dark to make Kay Gardella scream in her column the next day I never heard of such a thing she was all mad you see her in in her teacher's dress or dowager's hump and, you know, yelling it just like Lucille Ball was a beautiful person and I'm sitting on the phone going, oh, why don't you get away from me? What is wrong with the orderlies? They're all, where are they? Haiti. They come from Haiti. Oh. It really sounded, when he called it, really sounded on any phrase she could drop dead.
Starting point is 00:09:30 It really did. We were going wild. My favorite bill was, here's a card from Tom Bosley. Oh. You know, these are the things that keep you going. Oh. Stop them. Who's that from? George, what that from George what did I what I said the guy with the lonesome George with the George George goble yeah yeah here's one from George gobble hey Lucy you ever get it on with George gobble oh that crew cut
Starting point is 00:10:03 George Goble, oh that crew cut. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. That's all I saw was the top of it when I looked down. Oh. Oh. Gilbert, you were in studio that day.
Starting point is 00:10:17 He was. Yes. I heard it on your tube yesterday. I was just like, Gilbert was really screaming and I just thought, here's a man after my own heart this is so goddamn dark you know after everything she achieved. Miss Grant takes Richmond you know that's what gave me all my respect for her. At one point you said here I am with one foot in the Twilight Zone and one on a banana peel.
Starting point is 00:10:46 One more unfunny joke. So good. Gilbert, you asked if she'd had an affair with George Goble. You sounded very young on this recording. Oh, that's scary. You were lobbing shit in there. What was it, 32 years ago? 33 years ago?
Starting point is 00:11:01 Yeah. Yeah, but who's count? Wow! No, that's scary. It is scary. Yeah. Yeah, but who's count? Wow. No, that's scary. It is scary. Yeah I just hope I go quietly in my sleep tonight. I really do. You know what I found out? The reason I'm so messed up is because I have autism. I just found that out. You did? I had no idea. You have autism? Everybody has autism.
Starting point is 00:11:26 It's like having shoes. This is why I care so much about the periphery that I do. It's the only stuff that translated to me and made sense. If you showed me how to tie my shoe, you could show me a hundred thousand times I still couldn't do it. But if there was like, you know, Joe Besser running around in his pajamas and Moe trying to pull his tooth out, I'll never forget every scintilla of that. And as soon as I was sick of all of that stuff, I began just watching the corners of the picture on TV so I could have like more wood from that forest, you know, stooge forest.
Starting point is 00:12:02 Jesus. Ew, you! Pull' out my teeth! Come on down and we'll fix your tooth. Gil, had you heard that buddy? That's why Gilbert, does that make sense? Autism. Does autism make sense, he's saying. No, that's why it's autism. Of course not.
Starting point is 00:12:22 Yeah. There's stuff locked away. Yeah, no, no, I think all of us have it, you know, because it is like. It's a sliding scale. I'm also, you know, if it's something I need to know about, I don't know how to do it. And I don't know how the information on important things. But you know, if you asked me like, who was the assistant cameraman?
Starting point is 00:12:48 On the Vernon Dent story. Yes, yes. That I could tell you. That he's good. Or how long was the original Earl Scheib commercial? Yeah. Shh. Or Joe Franklin.
Starting point is 00:13:03 What was he selling? Martin Paint? Martin Paint. Yeah. Yeah, he selling? Martin Paint? Martin Paint. Yeah. Hoffman's Beverages. You know what? Martin Paint ain't just paint. And he used to sell new, new, new comodrin. Did you ever meet him, Jack? Joe Franklin? Are you kidding?
Starting point is 00:13:22 Yeah, you knew him? I was sitting next to Joe Franklin when he went to a screening at the Directors Guild of the Aristocrats. I was sitting next to him when Sarah Silverman came out and sat on the couch in the movie and said, yeah, and I went over it because I thought maybe Joe Franklin could help me. And I walked in and I sat down and, you know, he sat down on the couch next to me and, and he raped me! And the place went wild, Joe freaked out,
Starting point is 00:13:52 we were all like, no, no, Joe, it's a comedy show, Joe, it's good for you, it's good for you. Oh my God, he was so pissed off because she said it so sincerely. Like it had just gone, you know. Joe Franklin raped me. Piece of work. He was great fun. I remember one time doing one of Joe Franklin's shows and he had this guy that worked with him
Starting point is 00:14:13 who was you know he had a few mentally unbalanced people. They were always the same mentally unstable but it was always a different guy. Yes. He'd go back to the same group or something. He'd check one out for the day or something. So he had this mentally unbalanced guy who was talking to us, making no sense, and when he walks off, Joe Franklin with this evil smirk on his face says, hey, that's an excuse for sterilization and he's working for 25 hours I have a really good friend who's a real show business Brad his great grandfather's Eddie
Starting point is 00:14:56 Cantor and his grandfather was Jimmy McHugh this guy Lee Newman and Joe Franklin was such a huge fan of Eddie Cantor such a huge fan of Jimmy McHugh and Lee went on his show and and his name is Lee Newman. And Lee's sitting there, and he's kind of nervous, and Joe goes into this whole glorious introduction, this here's a kid, I just love this kid, I've known him since he was born, we go back so far, he's such a wonderful kid, let's hear it for Lou Nieman.
Starting point is 00:15:23 He was just so classic. Remember we had him on the podcast? Yes. He walked off. Yes. He made that dramatic entrance. It was so, I mean. Like he walked out mad?
Starting point is 00:15:38 No, no, no. When he finished the show. Because he was like a foot tall. Yeah. And he walked off and immediately turned into a silhouette. He'd amble down a long hallway and disappeared like Chaplin disappearing into the iris. OK, you know, great. I'd run into him on 8th Avenue and almost miss him because he's a full head. He was a full head shorter.
Starting point is 00:15:57 Yes. He's walking around by himself. He had whoppers. He's he actually told me that he told a whole bunch of us at dinner that somebody on his show started choking and that you could check up on it. And then a couple doors down, they were getting ready to do the Nixon Kennedy debate. And he said, Kennedy ran out, ran down to his show and saved the guy's life and went back to do the debate.
Starting point is 00:16:23 And everybody's like, Joe, how the fuck dare you? Well, he told a story on the podcast of one time on one show he had both James Dean and Al Pacino. And we worked it out mathematically. Al Pacino would have had to have been eight. I think it was fourteen. Yeah, yeah. Did you ever meet him, Bill? Joe Franklin?
Starting point is 00:16:50 Joe Franklin, I didn't, but I do have a Joe Franklin story. The Jay Giles band from Boston, Eddie Gordatsky, who you know, was my pal in radio. We were in the trenches together like 33 years ago in Boston. And anyway, the Jay Giles band is going on the Joe Franklin show. So they want to mess with him so they just grab Eddie and bring him in as a worm expert. And he's got worm charts and everything and hear him bullshitting his way through this professorial... I know, I know. the worm has ten hearts.
Starting point is 00:17:26 Well, you know that's not true. Yeah, it's just so dry and so silly and Joe Franklin was all into it, you know? And I love the Drew Friedman takes on Joe Friedman. Oh yeah, then he got suits. Drew is the coolest artist. He's my favorite artist. He is. Drew is the coolest artist. He's my favorite artist. He does like a pointillism that if you back off from it, it looks like realism. And he had a picture of Joe Franklin sleepwalking through Times Square, singing,
Starting point is 00:17:55 She's the girlfriend of the bowling dervish. Joe Franklin is a dreamwalking. Yeah, one of the pieces he got sued for, I think. You know, everybody thought he was a gazillion years old, because when he was doing an oldie show in the 50s, everybody thought he was already 60, but he was only like 25 years old when he was doing it. He just looked old, and there's this little hunk of a guy, and then you go to his place, that coat that he wore every day for 20 years
Starting point is 00:18:25 was bright red, but he was never on, he never made it to college. No color. Oh my god. Oh my god. So sad. He offered Gilbert a sandwich from the drawer. Yes, yes.
Starting point is 00:18:37 What are you guys, hungry? Oh god. And Billy, I always ask you to say this one. It's different from the Joe Franklin, but you've come from a very bigoted background. All of your relatives. And- Come on, lay off of me.
Starting point is 00:18:54 I wore my Boston T-shirt not to remind you of that. Say the time when you were a little boy watching the Three Stooges, and your mother walked in. Oh! Oh, yeah. I lived for that stuff, as you well know, and I'm glued to the TV set and my mother comes in and she's like, how can you watch them? Duh!
Starting point is 00:19:21 They're Jewish! How can you watch those horrible men? I said, Ma, I stopped going to church because I found my saints. How does that grab you? Saint Larry. You love that, Gil. You know what I learned? I didn't know this and I should have noticed that Curly was accidentally shot in the foot by his uncle. He shot himself in the foot. Yeah, with a shotgun. Oh, he shot, was his uncle shot him or he shot himself?
Starting point is 00:19:49 I thought he shot himself. They shot each other. And they said, you know. I'm not sure which is worse. He always... Jesus. And so he always had like a limp. Right.
Starting point is 00:20:04 Yeah. yes. I had to coach Will Sasso who played Curly in the Three Stooges movie. Oh yeah, he was good. And I had him on Skype and I said, you know, here's a weird thing because I was trying to tell these guys everything that I knew, every piece of periphery, and that Curly had a limp and he would run down the street and he would pivot because he couldn't keep going. It was just a little routine sort of to save his foot from more pain and then he'd have a second start. But I said he shot and he got shot in the foot when he was like 13 and they I don't think they had doctors back in 1915. I don't remember any. Now is that a true story? Is that a true story?
Starting point is 00:20:48 Because that's the oldest thing of his career. He shot himself in the foot. It's an old expression. I read his uncle, Babe, shot him in the foot. Well they called him Babe. That was his... I got bad information. Yeah, now I remember they called Curly Babe. Yeah. What's the matter, Babe? Do you you have another stroke and he was the pussy hound out of the three right that's that's what's crazy yeah do you know what they called that he Curly said that was the the chicken with its head cut off she is you know it's going round and round on the floor with no head, you know, that's to him, that's what it would sound like. It doesn't make sense.
Starting point is 00:21:31 And now I got to ask you for another old favorite of mine. One time, I think you and your father were watching Lola Felana on TV. Oh no. Find every painful memory you can dig out. Yes, yes, yes. No. I can't believe you retained this. I can't even say that stuff, because it's really truly not my part of town.
Starting point is 00:21:54 But I caught- You couldn't say it back when you said it. My dad wanted to set a particular house on fire when certain people moved in. And he was sneaking around at night and the neighbor, one neighbor lady on the porch, you know, sitting there watching him while he was slashing tires, he wasn't a happy guy. You know, and, you know, I mean, they would, he would say stupid shit and they all would, you know, and it was like that in Boston. I'm sure every city was like, you know, I mean, they would, he would say stupid shit and they all would, you know, and it was like that in Boston. I'm sure every city was like, you know, uh, uh, you know, where'd they get that car?
Starting point is 00:22:32 I wonder where they got that car. Over there, that box of fudgicles. You know, and it's the most ignorant stuff, but it's so ignorant that it's that it's laughable and I don't know. It's like humor talk about dad jokes and all that stuff You don't know where to go where to tread and what to say. Tell us the Lola Felana story. I can't kill person. Please! No don't do that. It's hideous what he said. Hey, you know Let's go back because he said something I didn't get to throw this in. Two Jews are on the Titanic, you know?
Starting point is 00:23:11 Two Jews are on the Titanic and it starts to sink and the first Jew starts to cry and the other guy says, what are you crying for? It's not your boat. Oh, and I suppose you think Jewish jokes are funny. I happen to be Jewish. To know what I'm talking about, I'm not Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish.
Starting point is 00:23:22 I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm Jewish. Oh, and I suppose you think Jewish jokes are funny. I happen to be Jewish. You know what? I saw this woman, she had a store like a coffee shop, and she doesn't understand today's kids, and she was bitching and carping, but... I own a small coffee shop, and I said good morning to a young young lady and she used the fuck word at me. The fuck word?
Starting point is 00:23:48 And said I triggered her. What nonsense. What is cisgender? What is antifa? I told her the world has always been the same and the newly empowered are always the world's biggest fascists. How am I supposed to understand them, act like them, spend all my time gaming and vaping and flash mobbing and sexting? Cripes, when I was a teenager we played Ring of Livio, Yahtzee, Mumbly Pig, and we asked our parents for a nickel to buy a pickle. Good old fangled fun. I stuck her unhappy little head into the coffee grinder and turned it on. That's a stooge move. But I mean, trying to figure out what you can say and what you can't say is bedeviling. Oh, it's tough times.
Starting point is 00:24:44 Yeah. Yeah, but it came on so fast, it's not even like the rest of the culture caught up. You know, when a wave hits, we all sort of get it at once, but humor was always subjective, and now there's all these restraints and subjective things on it. Nah, sex and poop. I've been stuck in the same hole for 40 years. Are you getting that resistance, Jack? No, I don't listen to anybody. The guy's 75 years old and he lives with his mother.
Starting point is 00:25:08 Do you get more sex or more poop? It's his mother's birthday and he's got no money. He says, listen, mom, I got no money for your birthday, so I figured I'd just fuck you. And she says, alright, so he starts fucking his mother and also you smell something Jesus and he and he gets off and he looks and there's diarrhea all over the bed and all over the floor It's rough running everywhere. Jesus Christ mom. What's going on? She says well, I'm too old to have an orgasm and I wanted to show you how much I was enjoying it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha like that. You don't get any resistance from political correct era. You know what, the people that come to see me know what I'm doing or if five people come and they bring somebody that doesn't know what's going to happen, they're overwritten. Like, who cares? It's so fucking harmless. What'd you think of Seinfeld's decision that he doesn't want to play colleges anymore because of the political correctness of it? I can't get those bookings either. Well, he had a good line for it. He just said, oh, you know, it bothers me.
Starting point is 00:26:30 No. They don't want you. You see, time keeps ticking into the future. I was on Comedians in Cars getting coffee. Oh, you were? No. But it's so funny because I'm in the credits of Eddie Murphy and Jerry for that episode and everybody's going nuts on Twitter.
Starting point is 00:26:49 What the hell did you do? And now everybody's going, oh, Jackie's picture must have been in the background and he sued him to get money or blah, blah, blah. Everybody's speculating. Oh, it was the list. Yes. Yeah, it was a billiard, an MC list from 1979 and I was the MC so I'm not on it. But on the list is Eddie Murphy
Starting point is 00:27:06 Gilbert Gottfried misspelled and and Jerry Seinfeld all three spelled wrong, which is I'll tell you how good I'm doing in my life. So I got an email. Are you ready for this from Ron Jeremy's agent? email from Ron Jeremy's agent. Who knew he had an agent named Dante? And Dante emails me because I met him about six months ago. And he said, Jackie, I promised this person I would forward this to you. And it was an email that said, we came across this list and somebody told me it belongs to Jackie Martling. Do you know her? That's a game over. I didn't tell you about it. So the guy, I contacted the guy and I said, what's the deal? He said, well we want to use that list that we found, is that yours? And I said, yeah, I just saved all kinds of crap. It was a little list that Hal
Starting point is 00:28:03 Lennis handed me in 1979 because I was hosting the show my name's not on just MC MC Bob Woods was on it and he never got to go on because he was so drunk Hawthorne didn't have to go on because they knew we weren't gonna do well The first guy on it was rich gagliardi who is now Julia I Always draw a blank Julia Scotty who is now, the first guy on the list is now a woman. Oh, he changed his sex.
Starting point is 00:28:27 Such a great guy. Wow, wow. So the guy calls up and I said, make me an offer. So he says $600. So I emailed him back, he'd be very proud of me, Gilbert. I said, all right, let's review, let's review. A billionaire comedian is being interviewed by another billionaire comedian on a billion
Starting point is 00:28:45 dollar network and you want a priceless piece of comedy memorabilia in perpetuity worldwide forever and ever in every kind of media that we have now or may ever have and you want to give me $600. What would you say? The guy wrote back, I said what you just said, let me see what I can do. And then he came back to me and said, well, they're gonna go a little higher, they're gonna give you $1,000.
Starting point is 00:29:09 And my first thing was I was gonna say, you know what, tell Jerry the good news, he just saved $1,000. Because I, and then I said, fuck it, it's too much fun. It's too much fun. There's never any money in Hollywood. No, I don't know. I don't understand.
Starting point is 00:29:22 It's like everyone I ever talked to said, well, we'd like to get you involved, we'd like to get you on board and everything. But you know, it's like right now, it's a little tight right now, a little tight. No money. Everybody talked to there's no money. Then what the hell are you hanging in Hollywood for? You'd make more money in a sawmill town in Michigan. Hey, hey, you know, nobody makes any money. I don't have any money. We broke. We didn't break even. There's so many stories like that and this is the worst one I think I've ever heard. That the guys, the remaining members of Queen haven't seen a penny from Bohemian Rhapsody which grossed a billion dollars. Is that possible?
Starting point is 00:29:59 Of course. Sure it is. Creative accounting. I remember a writer, I forget what movie, but it was one of these like trillion dollar... No, it was the Eddie Murphy movie, it was the writer from Washington DC. Yeah, but this was some other movie I remember. And it was like bigger than Star Wars, all the Star Wars put together. And this guy said, you know, they owe me money.
Starting point is 00:30:24 Because they made this much money, you know, they owe me money because they made this much money. You could read about it. And one of the studio guys said on the news, well, this just teaches the public that a lot of times we exaggerate how much a movie made to get more interest for people to see the movie. And I thought, oh, okay. So you're lying on both ends. Yes, yes, yes. Gilbert and Jackie, did you ever hear that story about Tom Hanks?
Starting point is 00:31:00 He got a script and he got called into some office and he said, I read the script, I really like it. And they said, well, what do you think? And he said, well, for money. And they said, well, yeah, ballpark. You know, he's just said, I don't know, I just, you should take care of me, like on the back end. And they were saying all kinds of stuff. And and they were saying all kinds of stuff and he said, how about this, how about two weeks after the picture comes out, I want a good percentage of the figure you guys print in the paper. That's great. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:31:37 There's a negotiation. He's got everybody sitting there like ghosts. What did he say? What? He's got everybody sitting there like ghosts. What did he say? What? We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast, but first a word from our sponsor. I've just been to Specsavers and upgraded my lenses to extra thin and light with 50% off.
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Starting point is 00:32:56 charities across Canada. Okay Martin, let's try one. Remember, big. You got it. The Ford It's a Big Deal event is on. How's that? A little bigger. The Ford It's a Big Deal event is on. How's that? A little bigger. The Ford It's a Big Deal event.
Starting point is 00:33:09 Nice. Now the offer? Lease a 2025 Escape Active all-wheel drive from 198 bi-weekly at 1.99% APR for 36 months with $27.55 down. Wow, that's like $99 a week. Yeah, it's a big deal. The Ford It's a Big Deal event. Visit your Toronto area Ford store or ford.ca today. Bill talk about a little bit about escaping as a kid.
Starting point is 00:33:31 Cause I just heard a podcast you did with Joe Dante. Oh, right. Which is very good. Oh, is it? Yeah. You were talking about- I was mad at him. Why?
Starting point is 00:33:40 Because I was going to do Bugs Bunny. Imagine this is a full grown man sitting here saying this shit. I was gonna do Bugs Bunny in Back in Action. And Joe, he just was not into me. He didn't dig me. I didn't care about that, but they kept calling me back and they were like kid gloving me and everything. I said, you know, what am I, seven? You know, just tell me what's going on and everything and so I mentioned it to him off the air and everything He said I don't know what that's about. I liked Weird I know but that's that's everything
Starting point is 00:34:14 I heard you talking about your love of shock theater when you were kidding that was straight you escaped into yeah shock Zachary here night on Bald Mountain. Yeah. That was the theme. We didn't have a host. It was a skull that would just come up on you as you watched. There was no announcer. It just said things on the chiron. They would go into a movie like The Curse of the Mummy or one of those old Universal beauties. I loved that stuff and I forced myself to wake up at one in the morning
Starting point is 00:34:50 because I knew everybody else would be asleep and this was like, I lived for this. You know, and plus you had that desperation, I might have talked about this, when we were young, there was no way you could hold on to anything. Sure. You can't have a record of television. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, it was good.
Starting point is 00:35:07 You get at one thing and it's good. That's it. And the coolest thing you ever saw in your life is going to be over in 35 seconds and you start going. The angst engulfs you. You know, I'll never see this again. I remember when I was a kid, I kept reading about one episode of Route 66 called Alex Wing and Lizard's Tale was the name of it. And it had Peter Laurie, Lon Chaney Jr. and Junior and Boris Karloff and I would check the TV guide every fucking day So one day the one fucking day. I don't check it. I find out they had shown it
Starting point is 00:35:58 But you cut you had no way of knowing no never no no advanced and I would have really liked to see old Boris Karloff, you know is Guy comes home really drunk and his wife is asleep on the couch under a blanket and he's so loaded so he Gets undressed climbs under the blanket and fucks a heart Then he goes upstairs. He walks in the, and his wife is sitting on the toilet. He says, what are you doing here? She says, what do you mean, what am I doing here? He says, I just fucked you on the couch.
Starting point is 00:36:35 And she goes, mother! She goes running downstairs, and her mother's sitting there smoking a cigarette. She says, Ma, Harry just fucked you. She says, you know, I couldn't help but notice that. Ma, Harry just fucked you. She says, you know, I couldn't help but notice that. Ma, why didn't you say something? She says, I haven't spoken to that piece of shit in 20 years, I wouldn't have.
Starting point is 00:36:53 I laugh at these. I laugh, I let go, I have cosmic abandon when you start telling that stuff. You know what I wanted to ask you, Jackie, and maybe Gilbert, I have cosmic abandon when you start telling that stuff. You know what I wanted to ask you, Jackie, and maybe Gilbert? Have you ever tried to get under anybody's skin at the Friars Club just for the hell of it? Like, some guy's gonna tell a joke, you know? And be rude to them, you mean?
Starting point is 00:37:19 You turret out the punch line. Oh yes, yes. So just a tumbler, you know I just get up and leave and just when they start the joke just like you know Gilbert has of course the infamous Shecky night at the friars Oh But you didn't go into that night looking for trouble. You know trying to gaslight Shecky I was yeah, I was a friars. You know this story. Yeah, and I still have my own theory about it.
Starting point is 00:37:46 Because they said he ran out because he was so appalled by what you said, but what I heard was he was supposed to go on next. Yes. And he was getting the fuck out of there because he knew he couldn't follow you. So he came up with a Donald Trumpian excuse to get the fuck out. That's too much for me. I'm out of here. Interesting.
Starting point is 00:38:04 Because nobody can follow you. That's what a bunch of people told me you and you didn't sense that yet No, they a bunch of people said that they said it was obviously He was scared. He was scared to go on because he already has like stage fright, right? Right, and he was out for like years and years and years years and years. Rodney always said he was the funniest. He says, nobody's funnier than fucking Shecky. Nobody's funnier than Shecky. And what he said was, but Shecky didn't have an image. Martin was drunk and Benny was cheap,
Starting point is 00:38:34 and I get no respect, but fucking Shecky, all he was is fucking funny. So nobody could say anything. All they'd say is, oh, we saw this guy, he was funny. You know, it's that simple. Because he never got as big as he should have gotten. No, I followed that funny you know you know it's that simple because he never got as big as he should have gotten. No I followed that you know and even like Jan Murray was on that boat too you know. Another funny guy. I think he spent too much time being
Starting point is 00:38:53 successful because he had a game show and you know. Golden handcuffs. What's that? Golden handcuffs he was making a lot of money you know why would he fuck that? Yeah and I think he just he's another guy that was real one of the funniest of his time but just kind of fell out of it. Yeah because when we're kids if you see somebody's a game show host you never can make the leap that they're a comedian. No. No they're already locked into what they are you know. He doesn't look seedy or needy and you know he's like yeah he would just be GM Murray the host of Treasure Hunt or something. Yeah, Treasure Hunt. Very neat. That was the one I was trying to think of. Yeah. Jackie. You were talking about Sandy Hackett. Did we have this conversation?
Starting point is 00:39:33 I think I played around the golf with Sandy Hackett and he told me the greatest story and I hope it was him but if it wasn't him it was somebody who was the son of some comedian but I'm pretty sure it was Sandy Hackett that said at his bar mitzvah Milton Burrow said Sandy come over here son and he walked him into the bathroom and he said close your eyes and put out your hand you hear this story and he thought he thought he was going to hand him a wad of cash and he put his big fucking cock in his hand. He almost shit himself. You never heard that story? I don't know, he's holding out on us. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha about the girl that had this sweet sweet ass yeah she got diabetes are you Jackie you you stepped on my line are you but you're Shmedrick
Starting point is 00:40:39 Jesus do we do we dare bring up the Jackie Puppet for a couple of minutes? Sure. Sure. For my documentary, we have a guy that created that. Yeah. It's called in here. I think I'll throw myself into the fire and get warm. Who's got the puppet? Do you have it?
Starting point is 00:40:58 You know, I'm sure it's over there in Sternland sometimes. Do you remember when it was missing? It was so fucking funny. Cause they went to satellite. Yeah. And all of a sudden it was missing. And somebody said, wait a minute, Jackie did a couple of shows for free FM over at K-Rock at Sirius and maybe he stole it or maybe he brought it. So the word is out that I stole the puppet, right? And of course I didn't. And I told him, all right, I admitted I did it and I showed them a picture of me holding the puppet, but it was a blown up picture. You know, it was on cardboard. They were coming out with the fucking Stern
Starting point is 00:41:33 100 news van to get it and I said, you assholes, of course they don't have it. I came up with this idea. I said, it was missing for weeks and they're blaming me. I said, I got the idea. I told Steve, Steve, what's his name from 100 News? The engineer? No. Oh, Steve, said, I got the idea. I told Steve, Steve what's his name from 100 News. The engineer? No. Oh, Steve, geez, I don't know. Cheesy Steve. I said, you know what you do?
Starting point is 00:41:51 Get that fucking guy that we have on, we have on once in a while, the lie detector guy. I said, I'll go first. Get everybody who works here in a line and ask them if you have the Jackie puppet and that will find it for sure and it'll be fucking wonderful and Steve goes that's a Fantastic idea what a great show it'll be
Starting point is 00:42:10 The next morning at 6 o'clock Howard walked in with the fucking puppet that was never heard from again He had it the whole fucking time at his house Wow Wow is that some crazy shit and nobody's heard any of that stuff I'm not disparaging him. It was good radio, but you know. That's probably like a Twilight Zone after Howard took it home one afternoon and he puts it in the basement, you know, at night. And you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Well, Jackie didn't steal it. He's an asshole anyway, you know.
Starting point is 00:42:35 Why do you want beef and broccoli now? Hey, wait a minute. What's that? What's that? He's doing a Twilight Zone bit with Howard and the Puppet. Howard and the Puppet. Howard and the Puppet. You told me, Jackie, that they had an even more grotesquely frightening offensive Robin Puppet. It was, you know, I have no idea what happened with that, but where that wound up. But it was, I think Ralph made it because when we did that
Starting point is 00:43:05 you remember the Channel 9 show remember Clarence Thomas Billy? Ralph made a Clarence Thomas doll or a face for somebody to wear and it had lips literally the size of like two small baseball but two wiffle ball bats on top of each other and his lips were immense and they also had his hair his afro tied up to a piece of string so when somebody said something funny or offensive they'd pull the string and his hair would go up like buckwheat and then somebody made a robin one but it was it was so over the fucking top God knows where that is. You know what?
Starting point is 00:43:47 That show also, there was a special guest that day. And he meant a lot to me because I didn't have a dad, so he was like a father figure. I imagined myself being like Robert Vaughn, the man from Uncle. Ah! Oh yeah, well you're a big man from Uncle Guy. And I couldn't wait to meet him,
Starting point is 00:44:01 and I was gonna play a character part in the sketch. It might have got cut, but I had a dress on and I was running around backstage and I come up to Robert Flore and I said, You know, you were my idol. And he just he's recoiling looking at me in a dress. My idol. Don't ever meet your idol. My idol. Don't ever meet your idol. If only there was behind the scenes shit from that show because it was crazy. You know, what's his name? Bob Denver and one of the two girls from that show. Mary Ann. Either Tina Louise or Donald.
Starting point is 00:44:36 They had been in AA for like 20 years or something and they came on. They were so pulled by the show. They were doing an appearance in Atlantic City and they drank all the way down to Atlantic City. No. Do you remember? We had the big six foot three security guard play the skipper and we had him sitting in the sand underneath the palm tree and there was enough sand that we could hide the bottom half of his leg
Starting point is 00:45:03 and we had a fake leg, and we were eating his leg! And it was... it was... it was... I was fucking priceless! And I was... I was Mary Ann. I had a big, huge belly... Oh, fucking... All this stuff sounds like an acid trip when you run through it real quickly, but if you spent four hours, it was like an avalanche of comedy going on in there,
Starting point is 00:45:23 and I don't care if it was Gilbert coming in and screaming at the top of his lungs for more than five minutes. It was I go out of there with my my ribs hurting me from great days doubled over. You know, there was almost a world war. Gary Busey was on the show and he had been in a motorcycle accident. And I think he got pretty seriously hurt and got really banged up. accident and oh I think I pretty seriously hurt and got really banged up so we created a sketch called motorcycle injuries for men club like yeah hair hair famously wasn't a head injury club for men head injury club for men and so you wrote it you don't remember and how it's wearing like some kind of bandage
Starting point is 00:46:01 around his head but he had a tube going up, you know, so that when he squeezed the tube, or Ralph squeezed the tube, the blood would come oozing down his spine. And we're doing dress rehearsal and Busey's right there across from him, and Ralph, of course, didn't know what the fuck he was doing. And when he squeezed it, the little tube popped out and shot fake blood all over Gary Busey. And he thought it was on purpose. And he, I don't know if you remember, he was, I thought fists were gonna fly.
Starting point is 00:46:28 It was, of course that wasn't, it was a rehearsal, so the cameras weren't on. Oh, what the fuck? All I tried to do was squeeze blood and it just popped open and it got all over his face and he was angry at me. But of all the people that do that to, you know, like, that's fucking fine.
Starting point is 00:46:45 We had him on this show. Piece of work. Yeah, Gary Busey. Yeah, well, Carson, he wasn't wearing a helmet in that accident. He suffered serious damage. No, that's, of course, of course. Tell us about the doc since you brought it up. It's a good time to bring it up.
Starting point is 00:47:00 To plug it. The guy that was my radio partner for eight years, Ian Carr from IKA Collective, has been doing it and interviewing different people. These two guys are in it. The guy that was my radio partner for eight years, Ian Carr from IKA Collective, has been doing it and interviewing different people. These two guys are in it. We still have Gilbert's in it, Billy's in it, Willie Nelson tells some jokes and we got a whole bunch of people. And you know, I don't, who knows? You know, it's fun. It'll be fun going to film festivals and you never know what's going to run up the flagpole and be enjoyed But you know these film festivals you could sit there for days and never smile So if there's something the least bit funny, it's gonna be a fucking home I love the trailer and people are loving the trail. We in fact we had to yank the trailer off because
Starting point is 00:47:37 People were too interested and we didn't want to come too soon You know what I mean? Because it's not out yet But I just want to do the Q&A's and answer the questions and set some stories straight and everything. But it's wacky. Because I think- What's it called? Jokeman.
Starting point is 00:47:53 Just Jokeman. Okay. Nice. When you were talking before about seeing that people on game shows, you couldn't imagine them doing anything. One of the saddest things I remember, I was on Hollywood Squares, and Dom DeLuis was on that,
Starting point is 00:48:14 and he was sitting next to me, and he turned to me very seriously, and he said, can, do you think doing game shows can hurt your career? Fucking great. I'm so proud because I did that show twice and I think I was edited, edited like three times. You know, I know one time. Were you the Paul Lind that day?
Starting point is 00:48:44 I forget what I said, but what's his name? Tom, what's his face? Bergeron. Tom Bergeron goes, TMI, Jackie, TMI. I think I did a diarrhea joke about Madonna. It's like, you know, just trying to loosen it up. On Hollywood Square, she did a diarrhea joke. Well, it was a little more, you know,
Starting point is 00:49:01 it was a little obscure, but. Madonna gets some Fletges, Castoria? Hey, I went out there to do it with Howard and Princess Jaja was on the show. And she'd be going up the stairs, her ass took up the entire staircase. You couldn't pass it. We used to piss ourselves laughing. Bill, what do you know about Paul Lynn? Because Gilbert says he was a vicious anti-Semite. Was he really? Bill, what do you know about Paul Lynn? Because Gilbert says he was a vicious anti-semite. Was he really? Yeah, I heard from one of the original producers. They said like,
Starting point is 00:49:40 like during lunch all the other acts would be like, you know, having lunch and telling jokes and being nice and funny. And Paul Lynn would be bombed out of his skull because he was this drunken old queen and and a bitter drunken old queen and he'd go, those fucking Jews, they're the reason I don't have a career, those fucking Jews held me back at every pond. Somebody say the Jewish guy Paulins and anti-Semites and they go, that fag? Oh my God. Hey, he was right on the train behind the Jews, you know. Think triangle. Once that umbrella opened up. Tell Billy the Ronnie Shell story. Tell him the Ronnie
Starting point is 00:50:33 Shell story. I want their take on that. Oh well. With the Alan Ladd. Oh okay. I want to know if you think this is true Bill.. According to Ronny Shell, what Alan Ladd was into, he'd gather up a bunch of women and they'd all like surround him and he'd stand in the center, naked, holding a chicken. And according to Ronny Shell, all the women would start singing singing you simply got to fuck the chicken wait a minute he wanted them to do that it's in the book that's like blue velvet in full service sing blue velvet it's in bowen uh what's his name uh scotty bowers scotty bowers so then there is something to it but i don't i'm not sure that's a song and I'm not sure it was Alan Lidd, but you know, they mix it, they mix and match everything. My favorite part of that book.
Starting point is 00:51:31 Was the whole thing? Yeah, yeah. You read that book, Bill? Which one? Full Service, the Scotty Bowers book? No. Oh, we'll send it to you. The last book I read was One Fish, Two Fish.
Starting point is 00:51:55 He spends like three quarters of the book talking about all the dicks he sucked, all the times he's gotten fucked in the ass, and he goes, but you know, I was really into women. When did you sneak that in? Yeah. When did you sneak that in? Yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, come here you. If you get my husband laid one more time, I'm gonna cut your balls off. Oh, Ethel. Ethel, it's Bill Holden. Remember in Moose over Franks? Ethel, it's Bill Holden.
Starting point is 00:52:42 He was looking at the... You know, we're talking about stuff that nobody in the world could follow. Not even me. So, a guy's in a bad bar room brawl. And he gets his face all smashed up really bad. So they have to wire his whole face together. So he's in the hospital and for a couple of weeks, they gotta force feed him with this machine that has a tube coming out of it that pushes the food up his ass. So one
Starting point is 00:53:10 day the nurse pushes in the machine takes the tube and jams it up the guy's ass. He says, nurse, nurse. She says, what do you want? He says, have you got another one of these machines? What do you mean? Here in the hospital, have you got another one of these machines? She says, yeah, why? I want you to have lunch with me tomorrow. Oh boy. Jackie, you think of the anatomy an awful lot. He does. The digestive system.
Starting point is 00:53:50 Guy fukes in a bowl. The guy next to him eats his... I love it. What about the Pat McCormick story? What do you know about that Jack? The helicopter story? I don't... Billy, you know this one? No, I know the baby story.
Starting point is 00:54:12 At the lunch. Yes. This was one that Pat McCormick... All of them, there was a group of them that would get together and they'd all try to outdo each other Don Adams was yeah, yeah, we army's army. Yeah, this was just they weren't even trying out gross they would just have a big dinner and Bill Dana then when it was a Pat McCormick Stern, he had them all meet at this place and
Starting point is 00:54:42 had them all meet at this place, and he handed them all a paper bag with an apple and a sandwich in it, a tuna sandwich. And then they were like saying like, what the hell's this? And then each one was led onto a helicopter, one after the other, and they would have a hooker on the helicopter who would suck the guy's dick as the helicopter was circling his house. So none of these guys knew enough to say no after being around the guys forever?
Starting point is 00:55:19 It would buzz the house. Pat McCormick wants you to come over, forget it, forget it, forget it. And I heard one of them, when they got home that night, the wife said, so, you know, how was your night? And he goes, you know, well, okay. And then he says, so how was your night? And she says, it was all right, except that this helicopter kept circling the house. Oh, that's great.
Starting point is 00:55:48 We were sitting there on the Stern Show one day and boom, like quarter after six, Kennison walked in with Pat McCormick and Jack Reilly, is that his name? Yeah, yeah. And Chuck McCann. He was one of those. The four of them, like the Mount Rushmore. They were all in that same group. And we were like, holy motherfucker.
Starting point is 00:56:09 It was just, and I have no idea what happened. I have no idea, it was so crazy. I'm sure it was a din the entire time. McCormick was the size of a fucking hog. He was like 6'5", yeah. Yes, wow. Don Adams had a stand-up routine. He did.
Starting point is 00:56:24 But I remember talking to Jonathan Winters once, he said, a stand-up routine. He did. But I remember talking to Jonathan Winters once he said what stand-up? What what comedy clubs? There wasn't any. It was called interrupting somebody's dinner And I think about it and it's like that's about the size of it, but Don Don Adams was running around back in those days I think they played jazz clubs and stuff. I think Bill Dana wrote for him. Yeah, Bill Dana wrote his act. Yeah. And Don Adams, that voice that he always used for like the Get Smart voice, and on the Bill Dana show he played House Detective Byron Glick. Byron Glick? What you need is a quarter Glick blood in you. You know, just because the guy was scared next to to him talking about how brave he is what I mean he goes
Starting point is 00:57:06 Your honor for the past half hour the district attorney has been up here making a total ass of himself Now it's my turn I'm sorry. It's not as scintillating as you As you may want. Oh, I saw him. I saw him when he was like in the throws. You did? You know, he was at a recording studio and I think he was doing Inspector Gadget still. And he, no, he was doing, he had a game show or a TV show, sitcom called Check It Out. Yeah, Check It Out.
Starting point is 00:57:39 And he played the manager of a grocery store. That's right. Wow. Yeah. Oh, I, yeah, and I heard he made more from that, uh, that, that sitcom, which no one ever saw, but I heard he made more from that. Don't forget Don Adam's screen test. Oh, yes. Yes. Remember that, Bill? Yes. Yes, I do. Yeah. Don Adam's screen test. Yeah. He wasn't a happy guy from what I understand. No. Well, when I saw him, like when it was near the end, his eyebrows were dyed both black and you know the whole works that goes with it. Royalties are so weird. Leslie West said that Mississippi Queen was a huge, huge show and
Starting point is 00:58:16 whatever rapper that was one of the first really big rappers sampled like a little hunk of Mississippi Queen and put it on his rap record that was a huge seller and Leslie said the checks he gets for that were far surpassed the checks he got for Mississippi Queen. How can you know? It's crazy that you know. You know what, it's musical vandalism. Don Adams had that look of that real midlife crisis look
Starting point is 00:58:52 had that look of that real midlife crisis look where he had that horrible 70s guy trying to be hip. Not a hippie. What do you mean, like a tan and a members only jacket? Yeah, yeah. And the hair long. Oh, and the porn star mustache. Like Jack Carter with the love medallion. It just bled away 30 years.
Starting point is 00:59:05 Like Bill said, like Jack Carter did that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, with the love medallion and the... I love everybody. The love. The big piece. I love it. You know the difference between men and women?
Starting point is 00:59:19 Did you ever meet him, Jack? Did you ever meet Jack Carter? No, but the greatest Jack Carter story was the first time I went to a fryer's roast, Bob Goldthwait was there. I know this one. And Jack Carter was sitting on the dais and Goldthwait goes, I was in Los Angeles and I had to go meet my agent at a restaurant and I was waiting for this guy. I'm sitting there in my car waiting for this guy to pull out of the parking space.
Starting point is 00:59:48 And I'm waiting and waiting. And finally the guy pulls out and this other guy zooms in in front of me when I've been waiting for 10 fucking minutes. God, so I just stole a fucking guy's license plate. And he holds it up and he goes, Carter, you want this? Carter's license. And nobody was even shocked. It wasn't even funny.
Starting point is 01:00:09 We had Jack Carter on Ren and Stimpy. He played this character named Wilbur Cobb, this old guru of a cartoon animation guy. They were sending up somebody, I'm not sure who, but Jack was perfect because he sounded like he was spitting up pieces of his breathing system. And his wife came to pick him up and I said, boy, Jack's got, I mean his voice is so rich with I don't know.
Starting point is 01:00:39 And I said, it's like snot or something, talking snot. And she went, nobody's got more snot in his throat than my jack. We are number one. This is demographic. We missed out on him on this show. We wanted him so desperately because he was so bitter. And he had said yes. That's the worst part. He said yes to doing it and then he died like the next day.
Starting point is 01:01:12 So he had a lot of snot in his throat. Do you know what? He was very generous of spirit. He was because when I was working with him, I was on a Tonight Show one night and I wanted to do a Jay Leno impression, and Jay shot me a look. You know, I started doing it. And he shot me this look, and it went right through my heart. I was like crippled, stunned. You know, I didn't know what I was going to do,
Starting point is 01:01:35 and so I started doing the usual nonsense. And I came the next day, and I said, you know, Jack Carter was having lunch at this joint called Mirabella. It was near where we recorded. It was an Italian restaurant. And he held court there and I came in. What's the matter?
Starting point is 01:01:52 You look like you lost your best friend. And I said, I just, I felt terrible being on a tonight show and, you know, trying to do something. I have no business being there, but Jay didn't want me to do impressions of him so he goes you held your own you know I mean he saw it he watches all that stuff Bilko used to watch all that stuff you know the newest comedy shows when they were sure sure when they were so out of fashion, you know. Why don't they call me? Why don't they call me? I'm a funny guy.
Starting point is 01:02:26 So a girl goes to the gynecologist, see that's all I can do. The girl goes to the gynecologist, she says, Doc, I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out. There was no girl, admit it, there was no girl that ever went to the gynecologist and started freaking out. The girl goes to the gynecologist, she says, Doc, I'm freaking out, I keep finding postage stamps in Costa Rica in my vagina. And he exams, she says, lady, those aren't postage stamps. Those are the stickers from bananas.
Starting point is 01:02:53 Hahahaha! I love you. I love you so much. How much do I love you? That's all I can do. I just love you. That's a wind-up toy. Bill, we had David McCallum here. We know you're a man from Uncle Guy. Yes. Good guest. David McCallum. Have you met him?
Starting point is 01:03:19 I think I did meet him once. We had him here. He was good. How old is he? He was on the Stern Show, wasn't he? They brought him in. And he played Ilya meet him once. Yeah. We had him here. He was good. He was on the Stern show, wasn't he? 80s. They brought him in and he played Ilya Kuriyakin. Yeah, in his 80s. Yeah, he's this Brit that was trying to be from Georgia, Russia or something. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:36 It was good. It was really good. He was good. Hey, see... There was nothing else on TV. Look at, first of all, there was three channels. Three and a half channels. Yeah. If you could get channel 12 from Manchester and it was like watching a snowstorm. Manchester, New Hampshire and oh and channel 10 from Providence, Rhode Island and that was a snowstorm too. But I would watch pixels. I didn't care as long as I could hear it.
Starting point is 01:04:03 You know I was fine with it even old movies that you know yeah Oh, God, what was that missile to the moon? Mercy that one Gilbert. It was like it was there was another picture that sort of emulated that called cat women on the moon I Don't know if it was Roger Corman or not But missile to the moon was so crazy because these two criminals are hiding in a rocket ship, you know? Nobody will ever find this in here. I don't know, Gary. I don't know. Maybe we better get out of here. And all of a sudden the door is shut and the rocket is getting ready to take off to the moon. And they go
Starting point is 01:04:39 to the moon and they find all this, they find that jewels are so prominent and everything and then they go to steal some jewels that were in the caves and this giant phony spider shows up and it was, I know sound and I know it was some, some schmo on a mic doing the spider noise like It was some Billy West back in 1959 you're a George Pell guy aren't you Bill? I am George Pell guy Gilbert loves seven faces of dr. Lau. I love that too. Yeah, Jesus He's a shit on Mike. The world is so filled with wonderful things. I know dr. Low, but you're leaving How do you know it's gonna be good for me? I don't neither do I He'd switch from like this Senatorian this this like, you know or a tar because he did have aless, this like, you know, orator, because he did have a great voice.
Starting point is 01:05:47 Tony Randall. You know, into everybody's worst nightmare of a Chinese impression. He's the circus of Ducktallow. What are you things that you don't know? You know, and I watched it one time like about five years ago, and I was like going, oh, it's like a car crash. But there was good stuff in the movie, though. It's like going back and trying to watch a Peter Sellers movie,
Starting point is 01:06:16 and it's like, eee! You know, the Marx Brothers. What about Lolita? Crazy. He was great in Lolita. That holds up like crazy. Yeah, yeah, Quilty. He corners James Mason on the porch, you know, because Quilty is banging Lolita.
Starting point is 01:06:32 He's like a guru to her and James Mason is madly in love with her. And so this Quilty kept changing his identity and he wanted to give... What's his name? Shit. what's his name shit what's his name James James James Mason and he goes well I see you're out here hanging around that's good that's good I came out to hang around to and I you know a couple of guys like us you know sometimes they hang around and he was doing this whole, like, pick-up rap. And James Mason was, you know, he was homosexual. And he's acting like this is really bothering him. You know, he was like, you know, oh, stop it.
Starting point is 01:07:15 You know, like, that was a really creepy, ooh, Lolita. Oh, it was. I remember Peter Sellers keeps saying, yeah, you know, cause we're two normal guys We're two normal guys now and then a couple of normal guys like us want to get together, you know And there's nothing wrong with that. I mean you're normal and I'm normal it but it was this beautiful I think he probably pulled it out of his ass to tell you the truth and I just I loved it It was a strange ping-pong at one point in that movie? Claire Quilty?
Starting point is 01:07:45 Yes. Yeah, he's playing table tennis. Yeah, he had all these... But he... What was the weirdest part? Oh, when James Mason is looking for a place to live, you know, because he's a teacher in residency and he needs a little spot to live at. So he answers an ad and it's Shelley Winters. And she shows him her garden and, you know, the cherry pies.
Starting point is 01:08:10 You know, I bake my own, you know. And he looks out the window. He looks out the window and he sees like a 16-year-old Sue Lyon, the actress with heart-shaped glasses on, sitting there, as fine as you please, reading Archie comics. Oh. And she goes, he sees her and he goes, you know, I think I will take the room. I like it.
Starting point is 01:08:39 I got a good feeling. And she goes, so what was it? My country garden, my, you know, my location, my cherry pies. And he's looking right at Sue Lyon. He goes, I think it was your cherry pies. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this. Okay, but you gotta call it, you gotta call it as we go. You start and you guys can do a verse each, I separated them. Oh, okay. So, and then you can do the last one together. So Bill will start.
Starting point is 01:09:30 Okay. We're gonna do an acapella. Go ahead, Bill. What does that mean, in the nude? No. I think it means in the nude. I don't know, I can't, okay, I'll try something. I'll try it.
Starting point is 01:09:44 You know, back in childhood days, I can remember loving caresses showered on me. And mother's eyes would gaze at me so tender. What was their meaning? Now I can see. One bright and guiding light That taught me wrong from right I found in my mother's arms
Starting point is 01:10:14 That was a song, okay, where am I at? As baby tells she told That the road was paved in gold. They used to hold their throats and do that fake thing. Like, see the tree, how big it's grown. And friends, it hasn't been too long. It wasn't big. He did crickets. Wait, what did I say? Okay. Well the road paved in gold and
Starting point is 01:10:50 empty and I found things in mothers eyes. Now you go. Just like a wandering sparrow one lonely soul I walk the straight and narrow till I reach my goal. God's gifts and from above a real unselfish love I found in my mother's eyes. This is the last verse, Frank.
Starting point is 01:11:29 You could do it together. Coming up. I have an addendum. Go ahead. Wait. When rising, guiding light, that taught me wrong from right. I found in my mother's eyes,
Starting point is 01:11:41 those baby tales she told. That one place was called I found in my mother's eyes. Now hey, hold on before you applaud. Oh my god. And like so I bid Gilbert a big wet kiss. Because I heard things about him. And like so I run like hell because Gilbert has a knife. And like so I kill him before he kills me. And like so I donate me and my tender ass to the Albion State Prison.
Starting point is 01:12:26 And like so I change my name to Lillian so all the prisoners will like me. Jesus. You know that part of the speech. Remember Friar's Club's speech where he was so eloquent. I know we're just ripping him to pieces and making him sound like a marble-mouthed idiot, but he was more than that. No, he was so astute and he was an orator, you know, and he really had total command. He reminded me of like a mush-mouthed Myron Cohen. Uh-huh, that's a good analogy.
Starting point is 01:12:55 Who had a beautiful voice. Yes. Myron, it's not a question. I heard that Georgie Jessel, I told the end late years of Groucho's life, Georgie Jessel would shop at his house, because Georgie Jessel had no money. Out of his career, he had no money,
Starting point is 01:13:18 and he used to like ask Groucho if he could have some money. He did eulogies to he did to eat Yeah, he did my god. I know this was so good, but that's all he had Why didn't you save your money George? Would you give him money Jackie if he came begging? Oh sure if he rose from the dead You know the story about Al Jolson and George Jessel they tell it he was he was Al Jolson decided he was gonna give Jess was so Al Jolson decided he was going to give, Jessel was so broke and down and out, he's going to let him share the bill. And Jessel, you know, before his egos, he's like, I want to be on the marquee.
Starting point is 01:13:54 And meanwhile, he was a tiny, tiny star and Jolson was huge. And he really went to the mat that he wanted to be on marquee. And Jolson had him put on the marquee Al Jolson but Georgia Jessel. Which is just classic. Fantastic. What was he, was there a record you don't have to be Jewish, was somebody like Bob McFadden imitating like George Jessel or something? Yeah, that sounds familiar.
Starting point is 01:14:23 He's like he comes running in the house. like George Jessel or something. Oh yeah, that sounds familiar. He's like he comes running in the house. I am thirsty. I am thirsty. I am thirsty. And then he goes to the refrigerator and there's some ice water in there.
Starting point is 01:14:36 He takes a big glass of ice water and drinks it down. I was ice, ice. Adam Wessler, you said, you know him him he used to tell all those old jokes with the guy goes to the doctor he says doc I I swallowed a sponge how you feeling laugh though. Oh god. I was just thinking about all these guys the other day. What's the name of a nice city in New Jersey that starts with T? T-neck. Plantic City. Stupid shit like that. Bill, just go through the tunnel and watch out for those girls, they're not girls, they're boys, those are the tunnel bunnies. Did Paul Fries do one of the voices in the Beetle cartoon? Yes. Oh, which one?
Starting point is 01:15:29 He did John Lennon. Because Gilbert's sort of obsessed with those bad Beetle cartoons. Oh, are you? Yeah. Because it's like none of them sounded like the Beatles. No, the George was pretty close. The Paul McCartney wasn't bad, but John Lennon. You gotta remember, he was the Erzatz,
Starting point is 01:15:48 what do you call it, Orson Welles. When they couldn't get Orson Welles, they got this guy, Paul Frese. Remember in the George Powell movie, Atlantis, the Lost Continent, he would go, Atlantis, the Lost Continent. And it was so cool that he had this big voice and then he was doing John Lennon.
Starting point is 01:16:06 You know? Yes. Ha ha ha. But I know I'm having a Ringo. Ringo, don't do that. Ha ha ha. You thought they all sounded like Ronald Coleman. Yes, yes.
Starting point is 01:16:17 Yes? It's like. Ah, it's a far far thing. Yes it is. Let's sing our song from our latest album. Ronald Coleman. Now was he a kid star at one point? Am I thinking of that?
Starting point is 01:16:32 Or Freddie Bartholomew? Freddie Bartholomew was a kid child star. Yeah. Yeah. He's so prim and proper and this evil Alexis Smith is standing next to him while he's orating, what father's funeral. And Alexis Smith wants the guy's money and she shows up in this glittering gown and he's trying to pretend like, I'm not affected.
Starting point is 01:16:56 I apologize for the segue, but tell us about Disenchantment. Tell us about the new series. It's on Netflix and we're doing the second season and it's being received really well by the audience that found it. You know, it's not like Futurama or The Simpsons. It's something totally different which makes it beautiful to me. It's not what you expect. And I just play a couple of incidental characters but I do a wizard named Sorcerio and he sounds like he sounds like Jonathan Harris. Oh Sorcerio knows things that you don't know. You know and then there's the elf king who sounds like Percy Hilton. Love Percy Hilton. Yes. Yeah. I'm the Elf King. You know it's like oh yes
Starting point is 01:17:49 you low pay you see you low see. All frantic and oh and I do the jester but that's like a Phil Silver's like a Dawes Butler hulky wolf kind of voice. Mm-hmm. And uh he he tells a lousy joke and they always drop him through a trap door and he always acts like he didn't see it coming. How is that? Oh no! I once worked with Jonathan Harris. Yes. When they were doing this really really zero budget problem child cartoon series. Oh yeah. And the guy playing big, big whatever that guy's name was,
Starting point is 01:18:32 big daddy or something that Jack Warden played in the movie, they had Jonathan Harris. And I said to John, cause I remember on Stern, they used to talk about him all the time cause you didn't attain him. the time, because you'd imitate him. And I said, you know, Howard Stern would love to have you on this show, and he goes,
Starting point is 01:18:51 never, never. Never. I have everything to lose and nothing to gain. You want to hear the greatest irony of all time is that my book got a spike in sales. It didn't sell that well, you know, altogether. And all of a sudden, I sold almost as many as I did out of the gate. And I'm like, I'm trying to figure out what show I did or what I said or how the fuck. What happened was Howard never mentioned my book on the show.
Starting point is 01:19:22 So nobody that listens to his show by way of him had any idea that I had a book out. But now he has a book out, and if you buy a book on Amazon, underneath it says, people who bought this book. Very good. So people, and they're already got their credit card in, they're already clicking, so they must be buying his, fuck it, and buying mine too. Not everybody, but certainly it only takes a tiny blip to make a big difference. Nice timing buddy.
Starting point is 01:19:48 And I don't think he could stop that. No, things can be done Jackie. No, things can be done. So a guy's on an elevator with a big fat broad he says, can I smell your snatch? She says, no! He says says then it must be your feet we're gonna get letters we got a lot of letters we get a lot of we get out of He's like, reminds me of a story that...... I live for Billy's Jackie.
Starting point is 01:20:30 Hey, I got one you can use at your next country club gig to open with him. That way you won't get thrown out till the second joke. A guy gets an accident and both his legs are all broken, so he's in a wheelchair. His friend comes over to visit him and he says, you know, the guy in the wheelchair says, my feet are kind of cold, when you run upstairs and get my slippers He says sure and he goes upstairs and there's the guys 18 year old twin daughters And he says girls your father just sent me up here to fuck you They're like you're crazy. So I'll prove it to you and he yells down to his friend both of them and he yells back
Starting point is 01:21:00 Of course both of them! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha fans. He's deconstructing your jokes, Jack. At seven years old, you're saying to yourself, there's no such thing as John. You know, we're talking about Andy's gang. I am so fucking old. You know Andy was the new guy? I got it on my card here. Did you know Andy was the new guy? Andy Devine and Froggy. But Andy was the new guy. Yes. There was Uncle Ed, no, it was Smile and Ed's gang. Right and Ed this big old fat fuck from Chicago with a military gray haircut. Does that mean anything to you, Bill? No. I remember Andy Devine.
Starting point is 01:21:52 And Andy came and he was the new guy. People were like, you're really fucking old. Billy, do Andy Devine. Plunk your magic twanger! Froggy the Gremlin! He's the original Bobcat. The original Bobcat. You're a big Red Skeleton. Plunk your magic twanger!
Starting point is 01:22:14 Red Skeleton was great. I used to watch him watch himself. I mean, my mother used to watch me watch Red Skeleton, because I would laugh so fucking hard. It was really great. Not harder than him. Yeah, yeah. Right. It was great. And then he did his 75th anniversary show or 50th anniversary show business or something.
Starting point is 01:22:32 And it was so long ago that there was still a fucking television in the comedy condo in Fort Lauderdale. That's how long ago. And I'm sitting there with Bill McCarty and Adam and a bunch of guys. And all of a sudden there's Red Skelton standing at the mic and laughing and swinging his arms and they're like, Marlin, that's fucking you. And I don't know whether it was, but he's standing there moving around and giggling and just so tickled with himself.
Starting point is 01:22:55 I think I was already doing that. Kill, didn't they tell us Red Skelton had an enormous porn collection? Yeah, I think, well I know. And Bud Abbott. Bud Abbott. Had a tremendous wine call. Oh, here's something that... When he was relegated to the wheelchair,
Starting point is 01:23:09 he couldn't reach the top shelf where he kept the best porn. Ha ha ha ha ha! Come on, Lou. Come on, Lou. Get it right. Get it right. Get it right. Get on all fours. Get on all fours and help me up. Ha ha ha ha ha! I can't put you up there again. You're gonna fall.
Starting point is 01:23:25 No, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Take this around the corner and give it to Mel, it's for Mel to hide. Stupid plays on words. One thing I've discussed with Drew Friedman for a long time is that according to legend, Andy Devine and Clark Gable were having a gay affair. Is that in Scottie's book? No, it's in Drew Friedman's imagination. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:24:03 It'd make a great Drew Strip. You want Billy to do that. Andy Devine and then there was, oh, Cammie Grant and Randolph Scott. Oh yes. I thought Cary liked girls. When I saw those two big beautiful boobs, I knew that I was in trouble. And then Randy walked in. Bang!
Starting point is 01:24:21 Before we get out of here, who's got an Al Lewis story they want to tell? The first time he came on the show, it was like 1986, and he came in and me and Fred were looking at each other cross-eyed because we are still absolutely positive he shit his pants. absolutely positive he shit his pants and we were like holy fucking lord and he wound up being such a good friend and such a talent such a wonderful guy but he smelled like he had shit his pants on the way in on the way in ask Fred oh my god I'm gonna get him no your flies can't be wrong ask him
Starting point is 01:25:03 he was such a great character. These flies are following me and I don't know why, Herman. Jake the Joke Man, you know the further you and Fred get away from him, the worse this fucking show gets. That was so great. Bill, by popular demand, please tell the story of Grandpa's Restaurant with the two women. Oh, okay. Jackie knows where Grandpa's Restaurant with the two women. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 01:25:25 Jackie knows where Grandpa's Restaurant was. It was called Grandpa's Bellagente. It was an Italian place. There was one in the city. Yeah, in the village. Yeah, the mafia set me up. I could run money through there. And I got a young wife, that young chippy,
Starting point is 01:25:43 and I'm doing that slow mo over the satin sheets. And then Jackie comes over with his corn-pound humor. No, he never said that. He never said that. I don't know. I just needed to say the word corn-pound. Corn-pound.
Starting point is 01:26:01 So, he's in that restaurant and I said, jeez, I've never formally met him and I was just, he must have seen me grinning like an ape at him, you know? Is that guy a fragiller? No, staring at him and I was one of the last people in there and there was a young couple who had their little daughter and the father says to her go over and ask him where he lives and she goes okay running across and she goes where do you live 1313 mockingbird Lane and she she's scared and runs away. He's a monster! And he looks at me and he goes, women! And then then there's two biddies from the Midwest like Minnesota or something and they're
Starting point is 01:26:56 having their New York trip and they're winding it up and said, oh before we left we had to come by your restaurant and they oh it lived up to its promise and this pasta is so good it's it's real al dente you know and and the other woman was like oh I agree totally this is beautiful and he goes yeah yeah yeah yeah we'll be going now yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and he's just, he's being as cordially as he can be. And then they start out the door, and you know when somebody decides to ramp up again with a whole new conversation, they popped back in and went, Oh, and we're gonna tell all our friends.
Starting point is 01:27:37 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the door closes, and he goes, Drop dead. That's my favorite. He was sardonic, but the guy, you know, he had a heart of gold. You could just tell, you know. I used to have dinners with him and stuff. And he made everybody, there was like seven of us, and he made everybody give him the
Starting point is 01:28:00 cash. And he would put it on his card because I might be gone tomorrow, but I'll have cash. Hello on the credit card, that's how I operate. Yeah, yeah. I was thinking about the old time guys and I said, God bless every one of them, I was watching show shows and all the stuff that Sid Caesar was able to do. I know.
Starting point is 01:28:26 He wasn't for everybody's taste, but for some reason I just, I absolutely loved him. I wanted to be able to run those dialects, you know. And one time I got to sit with him and have lunch with him and these two guys I was with, they produced his little segments, you know, the Sid Caesar vids, videos where they would interview, you know, Lucille Callan or whoever, Bud Yorkin and geez, Larry Gelbart. And he sat there and I said, Sid, I don't know what got into me, but I said I just love you so much and I and I wanted to tell you a hunting joke in Italian Taking all the risks in the world
Starting point is 01:29:10 He's like I've all a little bit chachi Madula below that's gonna go. Yeah, I'd say You know shotgun shotgun boots and scientific a but on the king got on and And I said, what are you thinking? He was so generous of spirit, he had a twinkle in his eye, but he really was thinking, I created this?
Starting point is 01:29:35 I begat. He was just amazing, and Carl Reiner is still alive. Yeah, we had him on here. Yes, he on here. Did you have Howie Morris on? No, we started after Howie passed. Oh, because I worked on a cartoon with him once. I heard he had it out for Joe Barbera, Howie Morris. Oh, I'm sure.
Starting point is 01:29:58 There's a Joe Barbera story at Hanna Barbera, which used to, used to be on, before Ventura. Coenga? Coenga. And Joe Barbera took his secretary and they got on the elevator and he started to go up and he had this thing where he would press the stop button on the elevator. The emergency stop? Yeah. And, uh, and all of a sudden, you know, he would begin bumping and crying.
Starting point is 01:30:31 And then one of his best friends, also his security guard for a number of years, um, sees him come out down the first floor with the woman and he goes, Joe, man, oh Joe. What? I saw everything. They had a closed-circuit camera in the elevator. Oh, that's great. That's great. Oh, Lord. Anyway, we have to wrap up. Who have we not maligned? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Bill know bill you're great Jack. Thank you. I have autism. Thank you
Starting point is 01:31:10 That's why I keep cutting everybody off because I have no attention span We cover the awesome don't kill me. Oh And I have low T if you can do a combo ID and sign off and say It's Larry Fine. As Larry Fine. He wants you to sign off as Larry. Okay. I gotta get my glasses.
Starting point is 01:31:37 My, my reading, these are fishbowl glasses. All right. Hey, Mo, you are listening to Gilbert Gottfried's colossal terrific podcast. Why don't you say mammy? Thank you Bill. What does that mean? Only a couple people know. Thank you Jack. I love it. Thank you. Thank you, Gilbert.
Starting point is 01:32:06 So this has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. I can't remember the name of his fucking show. I appreciate it. I always love seeing you. You guys are great. And our guests, of course, were Billy West and Jackie the Chokeman Martling. Yay. One clean one to take us out. Dirty. So, uh, three guys are fishing in a lake and one guy falls overboard. So one of the other guys jumps off and he wants to save him, but he keeps going down and looking. Finally, finally, he finds him
Starting point is 01:32:39 and drags him back up and puts him in the boat and starts giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. up puts him in the boat and starts giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. He turns the other guy says, you know, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath. The other guy says, yeah, and come to think of it, I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile outfit. You know what, all I have is premises, Jackie. I don't have any punchlines Don't you don't you ever get into somebody like you know there's a guy on the lower east side He's gonna power drill these drilling holes into his head And then you're supposed to finish it a guy goes to the library This is a librarian. I need a book on suicide. She says, fuck you, Jack? Soon, soon.
Starting point is 01:33:45 Oh, I can't breathe. I owe you. I can't breathe. Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast is produced by Dara Gottfried and Frank Santapadre with audio production by Frank Fertorosa. Web and social media is handled by Mike McPadden, Greg Pair, and John Bradley Seals. Special audio contributions by John Beach. Special thanks to John Fotiadis, John Murray, and Paul Rayburn.

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