Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Classic: Steven Wright

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

GGACP celebrates National Humor Month by reposting classic interviews with some favorite comedians, through the entire month of April. First up (from 2017), comedian, writer and actor Steven Wright drops by the studio to talk about his love of surrealism, his admiration for Don Rickles, his childhood obsession with "The Tonight Show" and the absurdity of telling jokes to strangers for a living. Also, Steven discovers Hal Ashby (and Cat Stevens!), Gilbert chats up Norman Fell, Randy Quaid holds a press conference and Brooke Shields visits a podiatrist. PLUS: "Summer of '42"! Humphrey Bogart buys stamps! Steven nabs an Oscar! The return of Jack Frost! And Ben Gazzara enjoys the Ben Gazzara bit! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. TV comics, movie stars, hit singles and some toys. Trivia and dirty jokes An evening with the boys Once is never good enough For something so fantastic So here's another Gilbert and Franks Here's another Gilbert and Franks

Here's another Gilbert and Franks Colossal classic Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we're once again recording at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Ferdarosa, who lost three episodes that were really good ones. He did not.

Through his incompetence. Our guest this week. As the editor, he gets to cut that out of the show. He has total control. Our guest this week is an actor, producer, musician, Academy Award winning writer, and one of the most inventive, most popular, and most quoted stand-up comics of all time. As an actor, he's appeared in films like Reservoir Dogs, Desperately Seeking Susan,

Coffee, and Cigarettes, Natural Born Killers, Babe, Pig in the City, Half-Faked, and a little film called The Aristocrats, and his own Oscar-winning short, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings. TV appearances include Mad About You, The Larry Sanders Show, Saturday Night Live, Conan, The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Louis, Horace and Pete, Carson, Louis, Horace, and Pete, and 19 memorable episodes of The Late Late Show with Greg Ferguson, his million-selling CDs, the Grammy-nominated I Have a Pony and I Still Have a Pony are required listening for anyone interested in the art of stand-up comedy or the art of joke writing. Maybe he'll give me some free copies. Please welcome to the podcast a true renaissance man.

One of our favorite comics and one of the world's funniest humans. one of the world's funniest humans, the animated, excitable, and wildly energetic Stephen Wright. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Thanks, Stephen. Thanks for coming. Did you hear me, too? Huh?

Somebody did. You think it was him? No. Not from... So, our first question... I'm so happy to be here. What? Thank you so... I'm so happy to be here. What? Thank you so...

I'm so happy to be here. Oh, good. Thank you. Thank you. So, our first question, whatever happened to you? It seemed like you were going to be so big. Oh. I decided to go away.

Was it coming out of the closet? Well, you know how transgendering is acceptable now? Like, I was way ahead. You are right there. Yeah, I was like 20 years ahead. Transgendering. You're a pioneer. Have you thought of transgendering?

Yes. Do you have any names? What? Of people who are? No, no. Of choices. Like, if you do, do you have any names? See, I don't quite understand.

What I'm saying? Now, is that people born both ways, or are these people having operations? I still don't. No, it's people who aren't comfortable with their own gender. So they decide to change genders. Yeah. By having surgery. So now.

Change their. Now with. I think. With Bruce Jenner or whatever he calls himself. He's Caitlyn now. Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. She's Caitlyn. What does he have and what does he have?

You know I don't know. Yeah. Do you know, Steve? You're asking me in the first two minutes. You're asking me if I know what Caitlyn Jenner's actual body looks like. Yes. You know, when I was going to come here, I had no, you know, all the topics. That's all you want to talk about?

That's all you want me to just answer that and then I'll leave? Yeah, yeah. Rather than leading up to that in about 40 minutes, you're just going to go right in. Does he have, as they call, sausage and veggies? Where did you come up with that? That's a first I'm not sure really I would

I'm not sure This is the third time that's been asked of me today Cab driver asked me that The guy in the hotel. Wow. I said to them, I don't know. I don't know. And then I said, why are you even asking me that?

And they said something about you. No, so why are you asking me? Because I brought it up. Like, if I ran into caitlin jenner should i offer him her a hand job just to be polite from one celebrity to another just to be hospitable i spoke to sir Ben Kingsley about this. What did he say? Oh, we spoke for hours. On that one subject?

Yeah, we're going to get to get the light in tonight. Man, I think I'm glad that, anyway. To me, it's surrealism. To me, that stuff is surrealism. People changing their gender? Transgendering, yes. It's like, because to me, surrealism is overlapping different realities, you know? So you got this guy who wants to completely be a woman and the other way around.

It's like if Salvador Dali got in charge of sexuality for some people, that's what transgendering is to me. Well, that clears that part. I'm reminded of your Salvador Dali joke about the fishing line. Oh, yeah, the dotted line. Yeah. He's one of my heroes, Salvador Dali. Well, you're both, both of you are surrealists

as comics. It's fair to say. You certainly are, Steven. And Gilbert, there's a fair amount of surrealism in your act.

Certainly a bit about a UFO landing on the lawn and an alien coming out and asking you a question about Ben Gazzara's career.

Yes. Would qualify as surrealistic comedy. I never met Ben Gazzara's career. Yes. Would qualify as surrealistic comedy. I never met Ben Gazzara. You never did? That's one of those. I wonder what he thought of that bit, if he knew about it. Do you?

Okay. Some were. I'm trying to patch anything together here. What would Caitlyn Jenner think of that bit? That's what we need to research. Caitlyn Jenner, I think, was jerking off when I did that bit. And playing with his breasts. Really?

Now, somebody told me, some reporter, that he was interviewing Ben Gazzara in his trailer. And he said, you know that comedian Gilbert Gottfried and Ben Gazzara goes he's smoking a cigar and he goes oh yeah with with the eyes and and he goes yeah and he tells him the bit and and Ben Gazzara like lets have a big laugh. He goes, ha, ha, ha. And he goes, and he hits him on the shoulder and goes, that's funny. Who told you this? Yeah, I know. Some reporter. Did Norman Fell know that you did a bit

about him too? You know what? When I met Norman Fell, Steve, you want to go ahead and take a walk? When I met Norman Fell, he, we were just telling Steven how you met Norman Fell, he— We were just telling Stephen how you met Norman. Yeah.

I remember he said to me—and he was very nice, Norman, and a funny actor. Yeah. And a good dramatic actor, too. And I remember he was saying to me, I said, oh, you know, I do a bit about you. And he goes, oh, he goes, most people who do a bit about me, it's more like a jab. And I felt so terrible because I always liked Norman Fowl. And your bit was not a jab. No, no.

What was it? What did you say? Oh, God, you remember it better than I do. Well, it was the bit about Kurt Waldheim, the former secretary of the U.N., was being accused of having a Nazi pest. So Gilbert had a whole bit about, what was it? When they surrounded his house, he said, I'm not Kurt Waldheim, I'm Norman Fell. But then they shout up, you know,

oh, how do we know you're Norman Fell? Prove it. And the joke was? Do you remember your joke? John Ritter was a consummate professional and Cindy Williams

had an endearing... Not Cindy Williams. Was it Cindy Williams? I think it was Cindy Williams. I think it was an endearing... Oh, I'm sure. She would have been on Laverne and Shirley.

Oh, oh. Joyce DeWitt. Oh, Joyce DeWitt. Joyce DeWitt. John Ritter was a consummate professional, and Joyce DeWitt had an endearing vulnerability. That was it. That was the bit. It loses a little something now out of context.

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and now back to the podcasting stylings of gilbert godfrey when i think of you i think of when you would do bogart's ordering yes. Yes. That's all you had him say, right? That one thing. Yeah. Humphrey Bogart or at the post office. Stamps. That used to come at the end of the act when you would run through the quick impressions. Oh, yeah. You do Chico Marx in A View from the Bridge. Oh, yeah.

Hey, this is some nice bridge, yeah? And you know who liked the Humphrey Bogart bit? Actually, Kathy Lee Gifford. This is... She was one of my earliest fans. That's pretty cool.

Yeah. That's nice. That's what stays with you from his act, huh, Stephen? Yeah, and the thing you would hold a piece of paper up for the baggage.

You know who likes that? The baggage. You know who likes that napkin bit? Brooke Shields. Really? Brooke Shields says she went to a foot doctor, and while they were working on her feet, she picked up a napkin that he had on the desk

and started doing all of my napkin jokes. She did? Yes. Wow, that's quite an homage. Yes. The plankton bit? Oh, yes. With the napkin and the trick-or-treating with the Dracula?

Yeah. So, Steve, I was talking to you. I think we had a conversation years ago across from Lincoln Center. I don't know what you're talking about. Okay. About, I've always said, I judge how beautiful a girl is by how hard it is to imagine her taking a shit.

Well, I think that... I'm over here. I'm over here responding. Like the way you said that, now you stopped, which means that the other guy is supposed to talk. Yes, please. That's very interesting. I find that very interesting.

Very, very interesting. Don't worry, Steve. We can lift that out. How long have you had? No, you should leave it in. I like how I'm not actually saying anything. How did you, how long have you been thinking that? Oh, God.

Well, let's see. Not in elementary school. It started with the. It started with what? I think it started with Theda Barra. Who's that? She was in silent films. Yes.

Do you know? She was a silent screen star, Thodore Barra. She was in silent films. Yes. Do you know she was a silent screen star, Theodore Barra? Yeah. And a Jew. Theodore Barra was Jewish. So, what are you saying? That Theodore Barra was Jewish. I mean, I thought you were making a connection to silent film and Jewish people. You know who else?

He wasn't in silent film. You're so standing. I'm going to have to use you as a translator. Who was Jewish was Ricardo Cortez. Yes, Ricardo Cortez. He was Jewish. Yeah, he was something like Artie Krantz. Love it.

Love it. We talk about a lot of obscure shit on this show, Stephen. Was that woman pretty, that silent film star? Yes, very pretty. So she would be, that silent film star? Yes, very pretty. So she would be, in your theory, she would be very... It'd be hard to imagine her taking a shit like Naaman, actually.

This is a new game show. Joyce Boulefont. Who? I don't know. Jane Mansfield. Jane Mansfield? Well, kind of on the heavy side, so it wouldn't be that far a stretch. Because you figure she eats a lot of carbohydrates and roughage.

How about Jennifer Connelly. Oh, wow. Oh, that would be a tougher one. Yeah, yeah. I'm not agreeing. I'm just listening. Yeah, but Jennifer Connelly. But I saw you nod your head.

No, I didn't. That was an illusion. You did. No, you have double vision. You have partial vertical double vision. You look in your face like, I find it quite hard to imagine her taking a massive dump. I had a look on my face that communicated that to you.

Like if I was walking down the street when I leave here, someone might pass me and think that. They'll go, don't bother him. He's thinking about some old-time actor's stinking shit. This should be recorded. Yeah. We should turn the mics on. Yes.

What about Barry Fitzgerald? I'm just going to throw names out. Who is he? Now, Eugene Paulette. Yeah, we covered Eugene Paulette. We've got to give Steve a key to these guests. Okay, Eugene Paulette. Not only is it easy to imagine him taking a dump, but...

You know Eugene Paulette, Stephen? He was a character actor in a lot of 40s movies. He talked like this, short, stout. Oh, I would know him if I saw him. Oh, in a second. I'll dial'm up for you it's like in in uh in fact back then they would call him froggy that was his like nickname on my in the business and he was a very bigoted guy not a very nice person so you can talk about him like

this yeah yeah so you could take your knowledge of this stuff is incredible. You're like unbelievable. You start like, your head is like a giant library. You must have been, oh yeah, yes, yes, I see him. He's in a lot of Capra stuff and Preston Sturgeon. Frank just showed me a picture of him.

That's why I'm saying yes. If you had to name the worst film you appeared in, I've got it down to two. You've been putting this guy on the spot since he walked in here. I can't do that. I can't. It would have to be Son of the Mask. That face. That face.

God. Is Marie Dressler taking a shit? No, now I got to dial up Marie Dressler for Steven. Okay. It's going to be a long show. Okay, so Son of the Mask, horrible, horrible movie. Thank you. Thank you.

And the equally horrible film, but ignored in bad film territory. And that's so I married an axe murderer. Oh, my God. That movie's hilarious. I like that film. It's hilarious? I must have missed that. I think that's one of those movies.

I must have been taking a shit in the funny part. In a funny car? Did you say in a funny car? In a funny car. Oh, in a funny car? Did you say in a funny car? In a funny car. Oh, in a funny... Yeah. Sometimes I would take a shit when I was riding with the Keystone Cops. That would be a funny car.

At Raceway Park. Sometimes when I was in a scene from Mad Men World and I would be in a funny car, I would take a shit there and Terry Thomas would complain. I have to say, I think I Saw, I Married, and Axe Murder is very funny. You think it's funny?

Yeah, I do, and I'm not just saying it. I mean, I have no reason to just say it. You know what? If you think that's funny, can we just talk about actresses taking a shit? Fine, yes. What are your twoes taking a shit? Fine, yes. What are your two worst movies, Gil? Oh, God, El.

Can you narrow it down? How can you narrow it down? Funky Monkey. Oh, Funky Monkey is right up there. Uh-huh. And I've never seen it. Of course. I'm scared to see it.

Of course. Is that an animated movie? The what? No, it's live action. Live action. What is it about? Now, Funky Monkey, and I was in the second version of Funky Monkey. They had filmed it once before.

And they didn't release the first one? Yeah, I think it was in France they first shot Funky Monkey. And they would have some scenes with an actual monkey and other scenes with an angry French midget, an angry, drunken French midget, which and he'd be like blasted out of his skull, stumbling around in the movie. He wasn't really drunk. He was. No, he was.

He was an angry guy. And he was interacting with a monkey. No, he was supposed to be the monkey. Oh, he was the monkey. And they had him dressed up with a monkey. No, he was supposed to be the monkey. Oh, he was the monkey. And they had him dressed up in a monkey suit. And for some reason, maybe he wasn't that proud of himself. What was the plot of Funky Monkey? That's the French version.

Well, they were originally going to call it Spy Chimp. So that'll let you know. Okay. And the other one was Hairy Tails. And I guess I get it. Oh, Matthew Modine was in it. And so that's quite a, you know, you go from working with Stanley Kubrick to Funky Monkey. That's showbiz.

You worked with Stanley Kubrick? The what? No, Modine in Full Metal Jacket. Oh, yeah. No, the angry French midget. He was in 2001. Yes, he played one of the creators on the movie. I remember now.

What's your favorite movie? Not one you were in. Well, you know, for years I used to say it's Harold and Maude. And, like, you know that movie, right? You know something? Don't tell me you've never seen Harold and Maude. I've seen bits and pieces of it. Oh, shame on you.

Ruth Gordon and... Bud Cort. Bud Cort and Michael. And I grew up in Massachusetts. And in Harvard Square, that movie played for like five years as a double bill with... Funky Monkey. Yes, Funky Monkey.

They used to play it with King of Hearts. King of Hearts, that's it. How did you know? Because there was a double bill that was everywhere across the country. Oh, it was? Oh, my God, yes, that's what it was, about the insane asylum.

That's right. And I would see that movie several times, Harold and Marty. It just was very touching to me because it wasn't just funny. You know, it was about life and death and living and, like, Hal Ashby. Great Hal Ashby. He's come up on this show a lot. Oh, I love so many of his movies. Being there.

When VCRs first came out, my girlfriend had one, and I went down to rent two movies. And at the time, I wasn't into directors. This was like 1985. I didn't know who directed anything. I just wasn't. I go and rent two movies. I put one in, and I watch, and it was like Harold and Maude.

And I took it out of the thing and put the next one in. It was Being There, and it starts. And I see Hal Ashby, and I go, wait a minute. I'm not even sure if that was the same guy. So I take it out and put Harold and Maude back in. Same guy. I mean, that's amazing. He had a great run.

The sensibility, not even knowing that he had done those. And what's his, what was the music? The Cat Stevens? The Cat Stevens music. And that one song that was specifically for that movie, he wrote one song for it. Oh, God. Don't be shy, don't be shy.

I just saw him perform at the Beacon. You did? A couple months ago. Yeah, absolute treat. He hadn't been in New York in 40 years. Wow. It was an absolute treat, and he did those Harold and Maude songs. He did?

Yeah. Wow. It was great. It was great. I got some video. I'll show it to you later. I got it on my phone. But Ashby had a great run. Coming Home, Shampoo. Wow. It was great. It was great. I got some video. I'll show it to you later. I got it on my phone.

But Ashby had a great run. Coming Home, Shampoo. He made the Woody Guthrie movie, Bound for Glory, with David Carradine. And Being There. And what am I forgetting? The Landlord. Oh, yeah. And The Last Detail, which you love. Oh, The Last Detail.

The Last Detail. Yeah, a great run. Jack Nicholson and Randy Quaid. Randy Quaid. Randy Quaid. Wow, before he went completely over. Randy Quaid, my favorite thing about him is, you know, either the police are after him or, as he said, the celebrity whackers. Yes. Which is a gang of people who jerk off celebrities, I guess.

I've been trying to find them. I would go to their headquarters if there were celebrity whackers. I think Funky Monkey knocked you off there. Yeah, always that French midget is, always gets in before I do. midget is always gets in before i do and and so to hide out he goes to far away canada and he does a press conference to announce that i'm hiding out in canada right now which i don't know if it's the smartest thing to do if you're hiding out. He just thinks people are after him, right? Yeah. He's very funny in a movie called Quick Change.

You know this movie, Bill Murray movie? Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's just terrific in that. Tony Shalhoub, too. So you're starting to say that Harold and Maude used to be your favorite. Well, you know, it was interesting. You have these movies, and I can ask both of you guys if this has happened to you.

You have a movie, and that's my main movie, you know, and you watch it every three or four years, still, still, still. And then there's this time when you watch it, like, and it's way, I don't think it is anymore. But that's because you've changed. Obviously, the movie hasn't changed. Are there any movies? There's another one you'll be surprised, maybe, The Summer of 42.

Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, Gary Grimes. Gary Grimes. I saw that a couple months ago, and I didn't really know that it was made in, like, seven. I was the same age as that kid in the movie, and I didn't even know that until when I watched it a few months ago. That movie has such a quiet, like, you know, it's just beautiful.

It's amazing. That's one of my favorite movies, too. What movies that you can name, did you see at one time say, this is, like, the greatest movie ever made, I love it, and then see it, like, shortly afterwards and go, this is crap? That never happened to me. Has that happened to you? You fall out of love with a movie that quickly?

Oh, well, I don't know if it's like that short amount, but there have been movies I've seen where I thought, oh, this is great. And then I saw it again and I went, hmm, all right. Like a few years later, like? Yeah. I've never had that. There have been movies I saw in film school or 20 years ago that I loved, like Strangers on a Train. Yeah.

Hitchcock's, which I then saw 20 years later or 25 years later as an adult, and I didn't think quite as much of it. Yeah. But that's rare. Yeah. That you should love something and then completely do a 180 on it. Well, I think what happens when you go to movies, when you're young and going to, well, it always got me when people say they'll criticize a movie because they'll say, oh, the movie was very manipulative. And I'm saying, well, movies are manipulative. And to me, that's like saying, oh, that magician, it's not real magic.

He's doing tricks. And it's a matter of, you know, yes, you know it's tricks, but if the magician's good, you're going, how did he do that? And you're fascinated. I never thought of that. They are all manipulative because I've had movies where I've watched that I didn't like because they were so manipulative and I never thought that all of them are, really.

Yeah, because, I mean, the greatest films have scenes that they want you to start crying. They want you to laugh. They want you to be at the edge of your seat. Yeah, with the music pushing you that way. You resent that, that you're being so directed? No, but what happens is when you're younger, you fall for it more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then after a while, you see the tricks. Right.

And you start to watch and go, okay, they're doing that overhead shot. Now the music's starting to come on, and now they're pulling back. David Lynch is one of my favorite directors, and I think that's... He's fascinating to me, because I don't know what any of the movies are about. Oh, yeah. I don't, and I love...

They're stylish as hell, though. What's that? They're stylish as hell, though. I'm drawn to them, which is really bizarre, because usually if you can't follow a story or something, you would lose interest. You know, if it's not, you know, this is, but there's something about him where, I mean, it is surreal. I love surrealism, and I'm very drawn to his movie. He's one of my favorite directors.

He would talk about music being, I mean, movies being like paintings that had sound. Interesting. That's how he would describe movies. I think people who claim they understand the David Lynch movie are lying. Well, there's some with a straighter narrative. I mean, The Elephant Man is pretty easy to follow. Oh, yeah, that's a movie. But like Mulholland Drive and that one with Robert Blake.

Was it Wild at Heart? Drive and that one with Robert Blake. Was it Wild at Heart? There was that one he has on almost like a clown makeup Robert Blake. I know, I'm trying to think of the one you're talking about. Yes, that's the one. He's somewhere and he calls his house and he answers his house. He's somewhere else and

he calls his house. Our listeners are screaming at their devices now. You know what's so weird is that when you just take him as an actor, Robert Blake was a fine actor. Like, I mean, in that and

in Cold Blood. Lost Highway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one you're thinking of. But he's one of those that will always be remembered for the wife. And he'll never be, you know, like as an actor. He's not remembered anymore. And now while Gilbert heads into the nutmeg kitchen to steal more Perrier. A word from our sponsor.

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I think I saw that. A guy who rides a tractor. Yes, all the way across somewhere. To visit his brother. To visit his brother. That wasn't Bruce Dern? No, it was Richard Farnsworth, who was an old stuntman cowboy actor. And it's really sweet.

That's a Lynch film that was just a straighter narrative. Yeah. What did you watch? I mean, I know you grew up in Burlington, Massachusetts, and I read that your brother controlled the TV remote, and that's how you got into Carson. Yeah, I mean, he was in charge of the television. He was four years older than me, and, like, on a Friday night,

everyone would be in bed, and me and him would be in the living room, and I would sit back on the couch, and he would sit on the floor and with his hand up on the channel changer, and he loved Johnny. He loved him. So I had to watch him because i had no say and then when johnny would go to a commercial he'd go to the other two channels so you know then he'd come back to johnny to make sure we didn't he didn't miss anything and from that over and over then that then then i that's how i was drawn into it like then i started watching it. I started to love it. And it started because he controlled the television.

You watched Brenner and Pryor and Carlin. Yeah, Brenner and Robert Klein. Rodney would do a lot of those. Rodney and guys that would come on and maybe you would never see them ever again. That was when I was drawn, like, wow, look at this guy. He comes on and he talks about life for five minutes and he's hilarious. And then he goes and sits with Johnny. I don't remember seeing stand-up on Ed Sullivan.

I probably did, but it had no thing. Maybe I was too young. Seeing this guy do it, Carl and my hero, absolutely. Seeing this person do this, it just slowly was like, wait a minute, I would like to be one of those guys. What gets me about Carson, much like Saturday Night Live, is it's got the reputation of someone goes on it, you see them for five minutes, and they're a major star.

But you forget the millions of people who've been on both Carson and Saturday Night Live who you don't remember their names or what they did. Except freaks like us remember their names. Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll remember their names. I'll remember every comic I ever saw on Carson. But like normal people. Yeah, like you would see somebody like Steve Landisberg come out and do stand-up on Carson in those days. Yeah, he was great.

He was fantastic. You know, I'm trying to think. Skip Stevenson. You guys remember him? Yeah. Bluestone. Bluestone. And Bluestone.

Yeah, Jeff Altman. And there was one comedian who I think started out as Daphne Davis and then after doing it for a few years changed her name to Maureen Murphy. I remember her. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, you're amazing.

In those days, that's old school talk shows too where you could have a comic come out and do five minutes. Yeah. You don't see that anymore. You'd have like a newscaster and a dramatic actor and a comic all sitting on the panel together. And we were talking before we turned the mics on about the old school guys that you'd see on Carson, like Hackett, like Jackie Vernon, Beiner.

Beiner. And of course, I mean, John Rickles. And Rickles. John Rickles is one of the greatest of all time. I remember when Johnny would say who was on the next week, he would lead the guests and he was going to be on. I was excited. I mean, I loved Don Rickles.

Even in the last five or six years, I would look him up on my phone on YouTube. I would have like a, I have to see Don Rickles with Johnny. You know, I put Johnny, Don Rickles, and I watched these appearances. I would go through phases like five times a year where I had to see them. Like, it's incredible. How did you? It was unbelievable. There was no one like him.

I know he's under your Mount Rushmore of comedy. He is. He's incredible. Did you see him live? So fast, so fast, so fast. No, I never saw him live. Did you ever see him live? Oh, yeah. I saw him live. Did you ever see him live? Oh, yeah.

I saw him live. Me and a friend snuck into Westbury. And, yeah, saw Don Rickles live. Yeah, he was great. What a mind. Nobody even close to him. There's not even a guy near him. I mean, he's completely in his own category.

I never met him. I met him a few times, and he was very nice. Yeah, that's what I heard. Very sweet person. Yeah. Never had the chance to meet him. He was an event guest on Carson, like you say. Somebody you knew was coming on.

Like Rodney. You had to watch. Yes, there was this other level of them going on. It was extra exciting. Or Steve Martin, too. And I remember with Rodney Dangerfield, first he'd come out and do a set, which would be hysterical, and then the panel would be even funnier.

The panel was the second set. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a double set. He'd do another 10 minutes sitting down. Yeah, it was like, so, Rodney, how are you? Right. That was it. Well, I'm okay now, but last week I was in rough shit. Yeah, it was like, so, Rodney Hill? Yeah. That was it.

Well, I'm okay now, but last week I was in rough shit. That was it. That was it. And he'd do 20 minutes. Yeah. And my doctor, Dr. Vinny Gumbach. Now that I think of it, he never actually said anything real. No.

He never said anything about his life. No, he wasn't a real interview. The panel was a whole second set and I liked the panel even better than the stand-up. It was so ridiculous. The flies chipped in to fix the hole in the screen

because his wife was such a terrible cook. Just do one after the other. And then one, every now and then one wouldn't work. Yeah. And he'd just

take that one out and he'd cross it off. He took a break, right? Didn't he do it for years and then he took like a 20-year break where he didn't do it? He has an interesting history. But I heard he wrote jokes during that time and then he came back

in his 40s or maybe even 50s. I think he was Jack Roy. Jack Roy. In the beginning and he has a very strange past. And then, according to... He's a tin man. Yeah. He was selling aluminum siding. Yeah. And then, according to... He's a tin man. Yeah. He was selling aluminum siding. Yeah.

And something crooked was happening. Well, Cliff Nesteroff was the man to check with on that. Rodney reportedly was kind of caught up in some scandal for selling siding to widows. Before he clawed his way, found his way back into stand-up. He didn't have the no respect thing when he first started out. No. He developed that over the years. Did you meet him?

What? Oh, Rodney. Rodney, in fact, I did two bad movies with. Oh, you were in Meet Wally Sparks. Meet Wally Sparks. How could we forget? And you'll never know the name of the next movie. Something about Midnight. Yeah.

Back by Midnight. I listened to you on the other episodes. Oh, okay. Nick's, Nick's, the New York Nick's. What? Did you say Nick's movie? The next movie. Oh, the next. And I remember one time seeing Rodney on stage and he was trying out stuff and the audience just wasn't with him.

Really? Yeah, and he goes, he stops for a while, and he's, you know, fixing his tie and looking both ways. And then he goes, hey, if anybody tells you you're a hot crowd, you spit in their face, okay? You saw him say that? Oh, yes. I saw him at Westbury a bunch of times. It was hysterical. Did they laugh when he said that?

Oh, yeah. How did you get into doing stand-up? How were you drawn into that? Okay, I was, you know, a kid who watched way too much TV, wasn't good at sports, wasn't that popular. And I started, like, imitating people I saw on TV, like actors and comedians and stuff, and joking around. Imitating to your friends or just for yourself?

Yeah, just to my friends, to my sisters and stuff. And then one of my sisters told me a friend of hers said about there was some club in Manhattan that you just came in, you wrote your name down. And when they got to you, they said your name and you went up and did a few minutes. And I and I did that. I traveled from Brooklyn with my sisters to Manhattan. And I did that. and I remember I was mainly like an impressionist. It was like Rich Little or Frank Gorshin. I was doing impressions. You just got up and did Lugosi and that kind of stuff?

Oh, yeah. Even back then, it was dated material I was doing. But before you knew of that club, did you want to do that? And then when you heard the club, then you said, oh, now I can go there? Oh, yeah, yeah. So how did it go in your head from watching a lot of television? Yeah. And comedians on talk shows or just television in general?

Comedians on talk shows or just actors where I started imitating them. And once again, I always say this, and it's true. And once again, I always say this, and it's true. I had total stupidity on my side because stupidity that says I could make it in show business. Yes, yes. And more stupidity that goes, you know, well, the odds aren't against me. That's pretty fucking stupid. But you were young, too.

You were 15. Yeah. 15. Yeah. And the stupidity that when I go on stage and I would bomb and I would still want to go back. You know? Yeah, I know what you mean. When you're that young, you're so optimistic. If you think

of the reality, the statistics of it, it's probably not going to happen. It's just like nowadays when someone says they're an aspiring comic, like back then, I thought, yeah, I could be the next Bob Hope, so what? But nowadays, if someone wants to be an aspiring comic or someone says, oh, what if your kids wanted to be in showbiz? I would think, well, I understand digging through trash cans and taking out soda cans to turn in for a five cent deposit. That makes sense to me. At least that's rational.

But being in show business nowadays seems so irrational. Well, I think two different things. I think that statistically, it's like part of me thinks, yeah, you want to go into this, but you really shouldn't because there's chances of it really happening. It's so remote, and there's a lot of luck timing luck that has to line up and then i think but wait a minute yeah it happened with me so why couldn't it happen with them well neither of you had parents that had anything to do with show

business no no no your dad your dad worked for nasa for a time and then well he was an engineer and they tested stuff that went up on the Apollo. That's one of the things he did. Did you approach your parents at any point and discuss this with them and say, I think I'm getting up at a club and trying... No, as a matter of fact, I didn't even tell anybody. I didn't tell any of my friends. When I was watching Johnny in the early 70s and it got into my head,

I was like, that's what I want. My dream is to do that. And I didn't tell anybody because I thought if I told anybody, it would jinx it. I see. And it wouldn't happen. So I was all through school, out of high school, in college, out of college, and heard about the Comedy Connection in Boston.

And then I told my friend Mike I was going to go out to the club to the open mic, and he went with me. But that was the first time. I never talked about it at all. It was no show business. And now when I think of it with, like, more adult mind, as much as my mind can be adult, I'm thinking, like, oh, my, oh, Christ, what my parents must have been thinking. Like, you know, like, oh, look, I'm going to be the next Charlie Chaplin or something. That's how I'll make my living.

My father, he said to me once in the clubs before I was on television, he said, you know, you should think about getting a job. Oh, yeah. Getting a real job. He was just trying to, you know, take care of me. But the thing, the young thing, that innocent thing you're talking about, you're naive, you're happy, you didn't know, you didn't know, you didn't know. It's like the pilots of jets, like F-16 warplanes. You know, those guys, they're like, they're that young age where they're not thinking anything's going to happen.

Let's go. Let's just go. It's not like the foolhardiness of youth. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, it's not like, gee, the other guy has bullets in his plane, too. Yeah, their planes might be better. And that other guy's a skilled pilot also. And that other guy's a skilled pilot also.

I've heard you say, Stephen, that when you think about it, it's really an abnormal thing to do, to go out and make strangers laugh with stuff you made up. It is abnormal. It's very weird. And especially when I'm doing shows consistently, it's like a normal, it's an abnormal thing that appears to be normal. Just because it happens over and over,

it's like an illusion that that makes it normal, but it doesn't really. But then when I haven't done a show for like a month or something, then when I'm backstage or on the side of the stage, when I'm not used to it because I've had so much time off, then it's really like, what are you kidding me? I have to go out there and do that see this is insane i have this even after 30 years yes see i think absolutely i i think stage fright actually gets worse the more experience you've had really because when you're young you're you

know it's like you know when i was in my teens you could have said oh we want you to go out in front of this audience of 20 billion people and it's going to be broadcast live around the world and you go oh okay and and now i always have this fantasy right as i'm about to go stage, that the manager is going to come out to me and go, oh, we had a fire or a flood. And so the show's canceled. Here's your check. You can go home now. And I think that's my fantasy.

Still now? Oh, worse than ever. I work with a lot of comics that say that, too. Still, I'm not going to name them, but still have that same anxiety. People who've been very successful in doing this 30, 40 years. Yeah. And will look for any excuse to not go up. Oh, exactly.

See, when I'm on stage, then I'm there. Yeah, yeah. That's easier than when you're back about to go on. Because when I'm about to go on, to me, I compare it to, you know, when you're about to go either in the ocean or in a pool, and you're dipping your toe in, and you go, oh, my God, that's so cold. Interesting. And then when you're actually in the water, then you're okay.

You've dealt with it. But you start inching in, and it's freezing. And then you're in you've dealt with it but you you start inching in and it's freezing and then you're in there it's okay yeah it's it's better doing it than thinking about doing it now it's not a normal thing it's not a normal thing no no and and you know to it's i keep i would tell my road manager it's like i shouldn't even really be doing this. I've been telling him for years, like, not like I'm going to quit. I mean, it's completely against my personality. I'm such an introverted, I don't look at me.

I don't, you know, every comedian wants the attention. It's like a catch-22. You want the attention, but really you don't want any regular life, you know. It's like I do this thing pretty good that I shouldn't even really be doing. Well, it's... That's how I feel about it. It's split personality, obviously, where there's one part of you that says,

I'm great and the world will leave their houses and pay money to see me. And the other part of you is, oh, can you please love me? That's all I want. I just want you to love me. I never think the first part. Yeah. About I'm great. Well, I've never thought you were.

Thank you. So I'm right. So I'm right then. We're in full agreement on this. I've never thought you're even mildly entertaining. Oh, God. I'm so happy that there's other people. There's probably a lot of other people.

My God. I see the show almost like if you were running across a lake of ice, and the ice is breaking behind you, and he takes an hour an hour to get across and you get the you got to get it across it's like to me it's like walking a tight rope it's so intense don't you think it's intense out there it's just everything's magnified everything is so i'm not thinking oh i mean i'm great it's almost like i want to try to get away with it another time let me get away with it again that's how i see it i've heard you say you're just got you're getting to all you're thinking of is getting to the next joke because you don't want to go that

far without hearing a laugh yes that's why i didn't know this until years later but that's when i thought you know doing it like 10 years, I thought, well, why are the jokes so short? Why are they so short? And then I figured it out. It was because I didn't want to be standing there talking some big setup. I wanted them to be laughing because that was more comfortable than no laughing during the setup. Sure, of course. And sometimes you get those audiences where you have to, you can't ride a wave with them.

And you have to, it's like an audition with each bit you do. Yes. You say. Yes. It's like, what do you think of this one? It is. It is. It's an audition.

500 auditions in 80 minutes. You say a joke. It gets a big laugh. And then the next joke, they've already forgotten about you, and you have to prove yourself again. Yes, because some audiences, just because that one went big, you can't trust the next one. You can't trust them.

It's almost like going out. I see it almost like sometimes with going out with a woman. I wouldn't know. a woman, like a woman. I wouldn't know. Oh, getting back to, what's his name, Jenner? You wouldn't know. Sometimes I'm out there and it's going really good, good,

but I don't trust it. And it's like relationships. You know, so many relationships didn't work out, but for a long time it's going really good good but i don't trust it and it's like relationships i you know so many relationships didn't work out but for a long time it was going good you know and it's like sometimes i feel like that with the audience it's like yeah i know you're going i know you're there right now but i don't trust it i don't really know what's gonna happen that doesn't mean it's gonna go like that for the whole way. And I'm almost waiting for when the turn, when the turn is. Sometimes there isn't a turn, but lots of times there is a turn. Well, so many people in the business, I definitely feel this.

But so many, I've heard it from so many other people, famous people, who go like, oh, like, they haven't found out yet. They haven't found out that I'm a fraud. And it's like... Yeah, I've heard that. Like you're sneaking by. Yeah. Like one day they're going to discover it. Yes.

And there's some of those names. I've heard that too, and I don't remember the specific people, but whatever the people were, it was like, that guy thinks that? Yeah, legendary people. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Yeah. My sister told me a few years ago, she read something about Elvis that he was afraid before

he went on. He was nervous before he went on. Can you imagine? Would you think that he was? I mean, just as a guy. How much? I mean, look at how they reacted to him. I was stunned by that.

That is stunning. Somebody who I know who opened for Rickles told me that he took three belts, that he took three big glasses of vodka before he went out on stage because he needed the, and you would think at that stage, at that late stage for a comic that can't get any bigger, can't, you know, has every reason to have confidence and not have stage fright, still happening. I think I'm going to have to start drinking vodka. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast after this. Let me ask you something, Gillen.

I think I know this about Stephen because I saw it in the research. Okay, so we don't need Stephen. Well, I'm going to ask him, too. Do you know you have so much material built up after all these years? Yeah. And I've seen your act a hundred times. Do you know, if I go see you at Caroline's on a Saturday night, do you know exactly what you're going to do in that set?

Or do you have some of it in mind and some of it's just coming to you on stage? Yes. Do you randomly pick cherry picking things on stage? Yeah, yeah. Sometimes, like, I'll sort of say, okay, I'll start off with this bit, you know, just instinctively. And then others, when I'm there, I'll go, okay, I have to do another bit here. Oh, that one, that one I haven't done before. So you're free associating on stage and just pulling things out of the bag.

Yeah. on that one I haven't done. So you're free associating on stage and just pulling things out of the bag. Yeah. The other day I was in a restaurant

and I said, I want a cup of coffee. And the waiter said, how do you like your coffee? And I said, I like my coffee the way I like my women. Hot and black

with a small piece of prune Danish. Yesterday, I was having dinner with Charles Manson. And in the middle of dinner, he turned to me and said, is it hot in here or am I crazy? Does it depend on how you're sussing out the crowd? You know what's weird is a lot of times if it's a crowd that's not with you and you go into a bit and it's one of these long bits and you go, oh, shit. You get this feeling like you're driving and you missed your exit.

And now you have to drive for a few more miles. To get to the way you can turn around. Yeah, you can't get out now. And you go, oh, shit. The exit was right there. Oh, my God. That's horrible. You don't do some of those longer, drawn-out bits.

You used to do that bit about the island of one-name people. I know. Celebrities and the island of three names. I should bring that back that took that was like a six minute bit yeah and it you you don't uh you don't have the patience for them anymore yeah or or maybe i should have someone with i should have an earphone and someone off stage going you know like bob like bob and dolores at the end oh my god dolores feeding him the lines seriously well his daughter i his daughter, I think, Linda, was feeding him lines at the end of the piece.

You owe this to yourself. Yeah. You owe this to yourself. In the last Bob Hope special. We're turning Stephen Wright onto Jack Frost? Yes. He does a skit, a musical number where he's Jack Frost. And he's like, you know, about 1,000 now.

And he looks 2,000. He looks like he died 20 years ago. His eyes are like all glazed over and red. And his mouth is hanging open. But they've got him in a goofy costume. It's like taking someone with Alzheimer's out of his wheelchair and slapping a funny hat. He's wearing fake icicles.

He's Jack Frost. And his wife's doing most of the heavy lifting there. We'll show it to Steven later. Oh, it's so. What do you mean she's doing most of the heavy lifting? Well, she's singing and doing a little whatever dancing she can do. Yeah, Dolores. Well, she's singing and doing a little whatever dancing she can do. Yeah, Dolores.

And I always, when I watch that bit, I always think, this is Dolores getting even to Bob Hope for all the times she fucked around on her. But even the stand-up, even the monologues in those old specials. Oh, my God. The story is that his daughter was whispering lines to him in an earpiece. Oh, yeah. I mean, he was 110. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

I think with Rodney, they started doing that. I believe that's true. And with Rodney, as great as his Carson was, all those Carsons were terrific. But then he started coming on The Tonight Show with Leno. And he was already older then. And I remember I would watch him and go, oh, God, I wish you would just stop. I really want him to retire so we could remember him when he was great.

So I'm going to be feeding you the honeymooners in your ear in about 12 years? Steve, you said when you started that you were like a Rolodex in your head. You knew exactly where you were going. and now it's a little bit different. Now you say you know about 90% of what's going to happen. Well, when I started, I knew exactly. I knew the exact jokes in order. Then as the material piled up, piled, piled up, then I had it in my head and divided it in three sections.

There were three Rolodexes, like the first third of the show, the second, and then the third. So then I would be saying one joke and I would think, and I'm thinking, well, now what can I do after while I'm saying that joke? Do you do that when you're deciding the next bit?

Oh, yes. So you're saying something, but you're thinking about what can be next. It's so weird when you're on stage, and I've heard this about dramatic actors and rock singers and people who look like they're just performing their guts out, tears and sweat going down, and they're thinking about what they're going to have for dinner later on. And I find that, I'll think about the next bit. Oh, here's something that happens to me.

I'll be in the middle of a bit and I'll do this one. I'll hit a line and I'll go, you know, that line never really worked the way I wanted it to work. That always should have been a stronger line there. I should really put something else there. And then I'll go, oh, this bit usually works well. Or should I follow this with this? Or does it need something different?

This is why it's talk saying jokes. It's all in your head. You're saying something like that. It's amazing what can go through your head while you're doing the show. I used to joke to people, my friends, if there was a sign, you know the sign that goes across Times Square with the news, you know how it goes around the city? If there was one of those above the stage,

and you could see what the performer was thinking about it. Yes, because when you're reading one, the other one's coming tomorrow. I got to call that guy tomorrow. I got to call, you know. But I had it in thirds, and I would pick it when I would go. And then I took six months off. And when I came back, this was like 20 years ago. When I came back, I didn't know how I was doing that.

I thought, I don't know. How am I saying one joke and then deciding what the next one is while I'm saying that one? Then I changed it completely. And then I thought, I'll know the whole thing now exactly all the way through, which is great because I don't have to waste any of my energy on deciding the next thing. Now I can just, you know, perform each joke rather than wasting that, having a memory test. That feeling that I'll get sometimes where you're on stage performing and then all of a sudden out of nowhere it hits you and you go, I'm on stage in front of a group of strangers and I'm telling jokes

and making faces. What the fuck am I doing? You're still having that feeling. Yes, yes, yes. All of a sudden, it just hits you. It's irrational. No, I don't have that. I don't, I don't, I don't.

I'm just trying to, like, do it and trying to be a Buddhist, like, trying to be in that moment of that. That's hilarious. You look at yourself from the outside going, what the fuck? And I'll go, this doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Was your first joke, you wrote the joke about the French girl in the bookstore? Was it the first joke you did at the Connection? It was the first joke I did at the connection it was the first joke i did

at the uh open mic uh-huh and it uh started talking this very french went in a bookstore talking to this very french-looking girl she was a bilingual illiterate she couldn't read in two different languages i don't know if it was the first one i wrote but that was the first one wow you were with like the fbi yeah well Well, I try to do a little digging. You don't remember your first joke, Gil? Of any? It was that first. What was the name of that club when you went with your sister from Brooklyn?

Do you know something? I'm all confused with that because for years I thought it was the Bitter End. And then my sister said it wasn't the Bitter End. It was some other. So I don't know. You were with Arlene? Yes, yeah. It was some other, so I don't know. You were with Arlene? Yes, yeah. Was it the Village Gate?

I don't. Was it one of those? Was it downtown? It may not have even been in that area. So it wasn't a comedy. They didn't have a comedy club? It was a mixture. Well, back then, those clubs, there'd be a comedian and a folk singer.

Oh, like Folk City. Yeah, yeah. Or Comedy U Grand had music. Yeah, those type of places. Like in the 70s, you mean? Oh, well, I think it was like the, it might have been 69. Wow. Jesus.

And do you remember anything of your first thing that you said? Well, the earliest joke I remember wasn't on stage. But I remember it could have been in kindergarten of the first grade, and the teacher was talking, and she was carrying a newspaper for some, maybe telling us what a newspaper was, and one kid was obviously not paying attention. He was looking in the other direction. And she took her newspaper and placed it on his head. And I said, those are the headlines.

And it got a laugh. Oh, you said that in the class? Yeah. That's hilarious. It got a laugh. That's hilarious. That's the earliest joke I remember saying. Did you have a class clown thing going on back then? No, you know, I always said I think the class clowns are the ones that wound up to be those guys that come up to you after a show and say, you know, in my job, I'm the funniest guy.

The quiet ones are the ones that you have to watch out for. Oh, yeah. I never wanted the attention of the class. I would make my buddies laugh, but I didn't want the attention. But I remember the first time, like third or fourth grade, we had to go up in front of the class and say something. Not a joke, but anything we had to do. And my father and I, my family would watch the Jackie Gleason.

We watched The Honeymoons, but there was another one. Remember the one after that? Oh, the one that he did in Miami. Yeah, with Crazy Google. Oh, yeah, the Jackie Gleason show from Miami. And he would end each one with, The Miami Beach audience is the greatest audience in the world. Jack, everybody.

Sure, with the tan. Yeah, and the pinky rings and the alcohol and cigarette. It was someone told a joke on that show, and I was in third or fourth grade, so I went up to stay on the front of the class, and I told the joke. And when I walked back to my seat, Brian Owens, imagine I'm seven, he said, you didn't tell it right. That's seven. The joke was the cop stops the guy.

He's going down a one-way street the wrong way, and the cop says, didn't you see the arrows? And he says, the arrows? I didn't even see the Indians. That was the joke. But I remember walking back and having him. Imagine being seven, being criticized. Hilarious.

You know, I was just thinking. What's that? Don Rickles would drink the three vodkas. Yeah. And that's an amazing thing. I have a good authority that that's what happened. Like nowadays, they would drink like vegetable juice before they go on. Right.

And they'll die at 20. Right. Well, you said the other day that that was an error, that Rickles represented the error when people were smoking and drinking. Yeah. It's an error of show business. It's gone. Like Gleason on that show in Miami would have a drink in one hand, a cigarette in the other.

And it was the coolest thing in the world to you, watching it. Yeah, that time it was normal. And then the commercial, Johnny Carson smoking cigarettes behind the desk. Tell us about meeting Carson. Because in my research, I found a line that you used to describe it, which I loved. You said it was like getting in a cab by accident with Jesus. I did? Well, it was like that.

I mean, just watching him from 16 and looking up, I mean, you know, just had such an admiration for the whole thing, him. It was just amazing. So then when I met him, I was 26. I remember I was in the makeup room. I never had makeup put on me in my life. That's a whole other thing I'll tell you soon. But he came in with the producer, and he was standing there,

and he's talking to me and saying, yeah, okay, I'm glad you're here. I hope you go out there and have a good time. And I'm looking at him. He could have been saying to me, we're going to ax murder you after the show and we're going to bury you in five different states. Is that all right with you?

That's fine. That's fine with me. He could have been saying, it was, talk about surrealism. I mean, it was the closest. The talking head on the,

the person that lives in the television is now standing next to you talking. It couldn't be any more powerful. It was incredible. Very surreal. I got so nervous that I wasn't nervous anymore. I kind of got numb. Because that was the largest crowd, too, when you got out there that you'd ever...

Oh, yeah. There you go. You know that, too. The audience was 500 people. Even if it hadn't been televised, that was the biggest crowd I ever played. 500 people. Incredible. Amazing. been televised that was the biggest crowd i ever played you know 500 people incredible amazing i love he changed my life twice because that's how i got it in my head that i wanted to be a stand-up from watching the show so that was like my fantasy i didn't think it would really happen

but it was like that was my dream like a kid being a baseball player or an astronaut. So, I mean, it was embedded. That was my real thing. And then when I went on, then everything changed because I went on the show. So it was like twice. It's amazing how that can, a person can affect you that much. You don't even know the person, really. When you're that age, like 15, 16, 17,

your mind is in a different level of imprinting. Like, music can have an impact. It won't later. You know, like for me, like, oh, the Beatles, Neil Young, Bob Dylan. You know, your mind is, like, receiving the world at a different level. It's taking more in and it's having more of an impact than any other time, I think, in your life. Like, 15 to, like, 28 or something. Your brain is at a different perspective.

Yeah, see, but that's that thing. Well, like just you don't understand being manipulated. You're more open to things. And all that changes when you get older. You become a lot more critical. Self-conscious. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you know, you didn't come from famous people. You're from pretty much a small town, and you're 26, and you're meeting Johnny Carson. So I think for anybody, that would have been intimidating. Still, of all the things after that, that's still my favorite thing in my whole career, is that first appearance and going on how soon did you get over to the couch that time that first first one first first appearance on national television and uh i think you're gonna find a little different would you welcome steven white one time right in the middle of a job interview i took out a book and i started reading

the guy said what the hell are you doing? I said, let me ask you one question. If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light, and then you turned your lights on, would they do anything? He said, I don't know. I said, forget it then. I don't want to work for you. I've never seen electricity. That's why I don't pay for it.

I write right on the bill. Sorry, I haven't seen it all month. A couple of nights ago, I came home very late, and I was having a little bit of trouble getting into my apartment, and I accidentally took out a car key, and I stuck it into the door and turned it, and the building started up. So I drove it around for a while. I went too fast, and the police pulled me over.

They said, where do you live? I said, right here. Did you have more material prepared? No, I wasn't even sure I was going to go there. They said, you know, they said, they're going to wave you to leave. Look at Johnny

and then look ahead and then leave. I looked at Johnny and looked ahead and all the guys with the headphones were going like, you know, to go over.

And if you see me like take a hesitant step, I couldn't even talk. He was, if you ever watched it, he's asking me questions and I'm like, he said, a lot of, even talk he was a you should if you ever watched it he's asking me questions and i'm like he's a

lot of so innocent but it is good you do do things like years later you know when i was 28 or 30 i would think i would never try if i hadn't done this i would never try oh If I hadn't done this, I would never try this now. Oh, my God. It's insane. You become rational. That's what it is. So you were 24 until you were 15. Yes. And if— I was 23, actually. 23.

So if it had come to you both, the idea of being stand-ups just five years later— Oh, my God, yeah. Neither one of you would be sitting here. It's just like I remember my parents would mention stuff like, you know, like air conditioner repair or TV repair. Suggesting. Something, yeah. You take lessons in it. You know how to do it.

And it would be something, you know, an occupation, a skill. you know, an occupation, a skill. And nowadays it makes sense to me, even though no one gets anything repaired nowadays. Just toss it. Well, I don't know about how you feel, but I feel very, very lucky to be doing this for a career. I mean, for so many reasons. I'm lucky that the audience likes, some people like what I do.

Because if they didn't like the style, it's not like I had a plan B. No. Okay, I'll go do this type now. They don't like that one, I'll go to the third type. I'll do it with the French accent. That's just luck that they like it. Not luck in the sense that that wasn't, you know, okay, they like it. There's always serendipity involved.

And then to be able to do this, it's like we're in nursery, we're in kindergarten, we're making stuff, we make things up, and that's our life. Do you feel fortunate to like to do that? Well, it's so weird. I'm one of those people who never feels fortunate most of the time. And I hate when people say, oh, I've got no regrets in my life. I'm filled with regrets. I have regrets too. But when I think about it, like I'm one of those people who's constantly going, oh, I have no career. I'm a failure, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, I have no career. I'm a failure, blah, blah, blah. But then what snaps into my head is all of those years of struggling just to get on at a club for no money. other people over the years who would also come in every night. And you'd see them every night for God knows how long. And now I don't remember what they look like. I don't remember their names. They're old. I don't know if they're still alive. And I'm thinking I could have just as easily been one of those. And then do you feel appreciative?

Yeah, yeah. I could have been one of those. And then do you feel appreciative? Yeah, yeah. I could have been one of those guys that you said, Hey, remember that guy, Gary something, you know? And, oh, Gilbert? Yeah, I don't remember what he did. And these people just fall off the earth. So you have some gratitude mixed in with the self-pity. Yes.

That's nice. Yeah. I just, the only thing now that I know I regret is my choice of co-host. That's... Wow. That I don't have to... That was a long ramp. That I don't have to think twice about.

That was beautiful, if I must say. That was nicely done. Steve, speaking of surrealism, I have to ask you about Appointments of Dennis Jennings and how it came together, which I watched again other night well uh and it's it's so good thank you um you know i was doing a lot of uh appearances and i did an hbo special and then i me and my friend mike were talking and he said you should go to hbo and like see if they want to do a short film with you so i said yeah okay yeah so i went with my agent and they wanted a half an hour yeah okay yes we should do that okay and then i came back and i said mike they want to do it now

i don't know what to do though because i had no idea what to do. Mike I knew from Emerson College. Mike Armstrong? Mike Armstrong, yes. And we would, he was head of the paint crew. We would, I had a summer job painting the classes in the dorms during the summer of the school we went to. I had graduated, but now I'm painting this. And we, me and him would be in the same room painting. And painting is so boring. All we would do was talk and we would die in the same room painting. And painting is so boring. All we would do was talk, and we would die laughing because Mike is a hilarious, just hilarious guy. And for some reason, we made a lot of, we found psychiatry, a lot of comments about that.

I don't know why, but that was one of our main things we would joke about. So then we said, because when I was going to write it with him, it was understood, and then it was like, well, what are we going to do? How about psychiatrists? We've made so many jokes. We didn't have any of those actual jokes in the thing, but we just found that profession hilarious. So that's how that happened.

And Atkinson is just great. You guys are just such a fun tandem. But, you know, I was watching it and looking, deconstructing some of those gags. I mean, and some of those gags are worthy of any great silent film. I mean, the waiter when you're pouring the water. Oh, yeah. It's just really smart.

Of course, I know Gilbert hasn't seen it. Yeah, no. If it's something you're involved with, I usually avoid it. He just won an Oscar for it. No biggie. Because you make me nervous, so I'd rather not have you know. Don't watch my stuff. Even if I'm not watching you not watch it, it would make me nervous.

We had a guy in the background. A guy comes over. Oh, it was me. It was me. I come over, and there's a kid sitting at his table. Laurie Metcalf is talking and i'm in the background i put a thermometer in his mouth and then i leave and a minute later i come back and i look at the temperature like this and then i just walk away like just there's so

many great eggs surrealism yeah the tape taking the tape out of the answering machine oh yeah listening to the tape remember the big answering machine tapes oh yes yes around listening to it as you walk past. Listening to the tape. Remember the big answering machine tapes? Oh, yes, yes. So I put it in a Walkman and I'm walking down the street listening to it and I forget to...

There's a lady on there saying you forgot to adopt. You adopted a child and you never... Oh, then that's where you turn around and run. Hi, Dennis. It's Emma. I'll be home later. Call me. runs. adopted. This is Mrs. Wilson, your third grade history teacher. I suppose you think I'd forgotten

about that book report on the Indians. That just brings back something else. It's like having nothing to do with showbiz even. I remember how like I was excited when I finally bought an answering machine. That was like such a miraculous thing. But now I think when people are watching a movie and they see an answering machine, they go, what is that? What the hell is that? Yeah. Or you see the phones, like some guy will have a phone in his car, like the movie was made in 75. Oh, yeah. Well, it's like Zach on Saved by the Bell and Jerry Seinfeld would have like a brick.

Oh, the big phone with the antenna. Yeah, with the antenna. Wow. And do you remember this? Do you think maybe we should be at the end maybe? We're wrapping it up. Yeah. Oh, you want to get out?

No, I just have a gut feeling that I'm going to be killed at midnight. I'd like to get out. I know what you're talking about. I'd like to get one more evening in. Anything you want to plug, you're working with Louis? Oh, I was with Horace and Pete, but that's over now. What were you saying? Were you saying something?

Were you going somewhere, Gil? Oh, no. Oh, just one other thing, and that was, I find, very weird. My outgoing message was always like, outgoing message was always like, hi, leave a message and your name. Leave your name and message when you hear the beep. And that was it. And people would criticize me going, oh, that's funny.

And these people used to try to be creative with their outgoing messages and try to be funny, and I hated. Like it was a little show. Yeah, I hated funny outgoing messages and try to be funny, and I hated. Like it was a little show, like. Yeah, I hated funny outgoing messages. Yeah, mine on my cell phone now is I mumbled on purpose. It seems like I'm talking, but I'm really, I'm like. There's like a couple words you can almost hear. Yeah.

And I did it on purpose on purpose and the reaction is interesting 70% of the people don't even comment on it which I found interesting and the other people, what the hell are you talking about what are you doing well, okay we want to let this man out of it

so we'll do it again for the next five days in a row? Absolutely. Yes. We'll do it again in 15 minutes from now. 15 minutes. You want to plug anything at all? You're in the emoji movie? Nothing?

Oh, yeah. I'm in the emoji doing a voice in that movie. It comes out at the end of July. And mainly I'm just performing live. That's it. Are there any actresses you can imagine taking to shit that you'd like to talk about? Actresses? Yes.

You know, I have to get going. I'm double parked, even though I don't have a car. We've done 180 of these, Stephen. This may be the strangest one we've ever done. I liked your other short, by the way. One soldier, too. Oh, thank you. Yeah.

Reminded me of something called Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's the same. It's a little like Oh, wow. Yeah. It's the same. It's a little like that tonally. Yes. Which is a compliment. Thank you so much.

It's very good. Thank you. And I'm going to tell our listeners to please, if you have never seen The Appointments of Dennis Jennings, do so immediately. People listen to us.

I don't know why. They actually take our recommendations. This was a lot of fun, man. I'm glad you came. It was great. I'm happy to do this. And we never got to know what his favorite movie was.

Oh, before I go, one of those old business, new business. Go quick, because we have another guest coming in. Oh, okay. Some guy tweeted me. I think his name was like John Kenny. Okay. And he said that he thinks the serial killer who liked the song Seasons in the Sun was a serial killer named Joseph Kalinger. Wow.

Yeah. That's amazing. That's from a previous show. That's incredible. Anyway. Thank you. Because I was wondering. Well, I saw.

Wonder no more. You looked really bad when you came in. I mean, worse than usual. You want to say anything about the Red Sox before you go? No, I just hope they do good. And I hope they keep playing in Fenway. I used to write the welcome home dinner. You did?

Yeah. Just jokes for it. We'll talk about it later. Shall we let this man get on with his life? All right. Well, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host Frank Santopadre.

Your one regret. We asked my one regret, and once again we've been recording at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Ferdarosa. And being a fucking killjoy has been Stephen Wright,

who doesn't realize if you're a guest on this show, you don't just fucking walk out. You don't just go, hey, you know, I'm tired of talking.

You never turn to Jack Carter or Johnny Carson or Tom Snyder. Yes. No. Jack Parr used to say, yeah, yes.

He would say, can you imagine Jane Russell taking a shit? Steven, thanks for coming and taking a shit. He would ask that of Adlai Stevenson when he'd be getting a shit. Steven has doubled over. He may be getting a nosebleed. Thanks for coming in, man. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, next time, write down the names of the actresses. She's the first guest that's ever made a getaway.