Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Rewind: Episode #11: Billy West

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

“Man of a Thousand Voices” Billy West has lent his unique talents to projects such as “Ren & Stimpy,” Matt Groening’s “Futurama,” “Looney Tunes” cartoons and of course, “The Howard Stern Show,” where he won over longtime listeners with his savagely funny impressions of Larry Fine, former Stern show writer Jackie Martling and late Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott. In this classic episode, Gilbert and Frank rang up Billy at his home in Hollywood to compare notes on some of their favorite essential topics, including Bud Abbott, Gale Gordon, Peter Lorre, Al “Grandpa” Lewis, and the racism of "Dick Tracy" cartoons. PLUS: the true story behind the voice of Dr. Zoidberg! Billy jams with The Beach Boys! Jewish Frankenstein! Angry Munchkins! And Gilbert sings the theme song from “Problem Child”! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hear that baby, Juan just rocked you to sleep. Save the everyday with deals from Amazon. You know, I first met Billy West when he was doing, when he was a regular guy on the Howard Stern Show. And I would visit the Howard Stern Show a lot and always have fun with him. And both of us had that same love of old show business. Since the Howard Stern Show, Billy went on to be one of the biggest voiceover guys in the business, doing most of the voices on Renan Stimpy and on Futurama, and he's done like Popeye and Elmer Fudd and Woody Woodpecker and Bugs Bunny

and every other commercial you'll hear on the air he's usually doing. And so me and my partner, Frank Santopatra, caught up with him in his hotel room and we talked about everything like Mel Blank to Curly Joe Derrida's funeral. And it's like all of us have that love of the weird old obscure Hollywood that most people have forgotten. So here's our interview with Billy West. Frank Santopadre, and this is the amazing colossal podcast. and today on the show we have someone who Entertainment Weekly called the Modern Mel Blank

and I mean it's like every other commercial you hear you'll hear his voice and just about on Futurama he was the voice of most of the characters on that show and he's on everything ladies and gentlemen Billy Warramie West. Hey, Bill. Hi, guys.

Hi, Gilly. Hi. I haven't seen you in a long time, Gilbert. What, you mean in show business? Well, I mean, I just, I used to see it a lot when I was in New York when the Stern show was going on. Yeah, when we both did Howard Stern, it's like we used to run into each other a lot. We used to scream at the top of our lungs and at the end of the show like, well, that's it. And just overmodulating the microphones.

It's like, let's rock this whole airwave. We all miss the Jackie puppet, Billy. What's that? We all miss the Jackie puppet. It was great stuff. But the guy that couldn't come. It's scared him. Is this odd?

I got to laugh because if I don't laugh. I'll cry. I love that guy. Gilbert, I loved all the stuff that you used to do on there. I never laughed so hard in my damn life when I used to come and see you do stand-up. Oh, thank you. No, honestly, honest of God, there's nobody like you.

And I'm friends with Pend Gillette, and we talk about you all the time. Wow. Yeah, he really loves you. And, you know, here we are. We were sitting out in Las Vegas just, I did his podcast. I don't know if you ever did. Oh, I have a bunch of times. Oh, you did it a bunch of...

Yeah. Okay, cool. Up there in the slimer. Yeah, I feel like I'm on the radio. I'm trying to talk like a radio guy, and it's like, somebody shoot me. Tell me out of window. I know. I believe me.

Believe me, I know the... It's much less professional than that, Bill. But I'm out in Hollywood, darling. And I get a great... One of the most Hollywood things that could happen to anybody happened to me out there. The munchkin. One of the munchkin. from the Wizard of Oz lived on my street.

I think his last name was like Mindhard or something, and he had this jet black-died mustache and a black cowboy hat. He looked like a little villain. And I didn't know how to say hi to him. You know, I used to drive by and wave, and he'd just look at me with that scowl on his face, you know. And this is one of the important midgets. So one day I drove by and I see him standing on his tiptoes trying to reach in his mailbox to get his mail.

And I rolled down my window and I went, Put Brad back. That's great. How would you like somebody steal a mail out of me? I remember, oh, go ahead. What? I remember you telling me a story about your father. Now, you grew up where again?

Detroit, Michigan. Yes. And you were telling me a story about your father when you were a little boy and you were sitting around the TV and you were watching, I think, Lola Falana. There's a name. Uh-oh.

There's a name. Lola Fulana. I guarantee you he didn't like her. Let's start with that. You described him as kind of an archie bunker. and you said that you made the mistake of saying to your father, she's pretty. Oh.

Do you remember? Oh, he was going to tie a rock to me and drown me in the Detroit River. Okay, is it okay for us to talk about this? I don't know, but I have a different one about my other uncle. Well, I have an uncle that used to say the same stuff. I was in junior high and I had a crush on a black girl named Pat. Pat, I won't use her last name. And there was no way I could just come by, and I used to just look at her, and she was gorgeous.

So I go home, and I'm at one of these little family outings, and my uncle, Kim, comes over to me, my uncle Dick, and he goes, so are you getting any L-O-V-E going on in your life? What's going on? Got any nice girls? And I said, I don't, I don't, but I have this massive. crush on this beautiful girl in my class. I'm going crazy. I said, you know, she's just, she's got nice hair, and she's got big, big eyes, brown eyes.

And I said, and she's black. And he turned white as a sheet. He just turned white. He looked like he's going to spraw up at his pocket. And he went, wait, where are you? What? And he said, yeah, she's a black woman. And he goes, listen, let me tell you a story.

Look at your nature. Does a bee go out with a fly? It don't happen. You don't see it in your nature. You're a professor racist. That's the story. I thought it was your father. But that's the story.

But Volila Falano was one of the names from those collections of story. He was an expert on evolution, your uncle. Yeah, really. Well, you know what? I went to religious school, and they told you to love everybody except when it came down to it. You know, and there still would be like this discrimination. The church was weird. I used to go to parochial school.

And when I was about 10, I was in the school, and the nuns taught the school. And they would, like, sell you chips before you went to class for the merry school. no mission. And then when you opened it up to have some of them in the classroom, she'd snatch them out of your hand like a, like a buzzard, and seal them up again, and then sell them again.

So they were not too cool. So I'm running around the hallways, and I see there's a lot of nice old oil paintings in this old church in Detroit. And I was interested in art, and I was looking at it. And a nun comes up behind me, and she says, what are you looking at?

I said, I was just admiring, you know, this work and everything. Yeah, what's so good about it? I said, this is the creation. No kidding. You know, Adam and Eden, the Garden of Eden. Tell me something I don't know. So I said, so in other words, like God created men in his own image and likeness.

That's right. And he used 100 pounds of clay from the earth and formed Adam in his image and likeness and then breathed life into him. That's right. And then when he became human suddenly out of clay, I know, this is insane that I'm even saying this stuff. He turned an old man suddenly, and God used a part of his rib to create Eve,

his wife, his woman, whatever. And she was like, she said, yeah, well, what's your point? and I said, why did they have belly buttons? And she flipped out her head almost fell to the floor and it was still screaming at me from the floor. Why you? What?

How dare you? How dare you? You know? But it's a reasonable question. You know, every painting I've ever seen, they've got big beautiful inies. Yeah. Not even outies.

But that's, if you're taking science into it. Yeah, but, you know, there's always that inevitable clash somewhere along the line. Oh, I know what I wanted to tell you. I was doing Futurama, and you mentioned it, and you and I had pretty much always had in common old showbiz periphery. Yes. And I love that stuff, you know, give me a good Eugene Pellat any day for 15 critical walk. and you know

I need my coat I gotta get out of here beat it buddy you know and he no one knows what he looked like he was like this little short guy but he was fat and he was stuffed into a suit that was too small

for him and he looked like 10 pounds of crap stuffed into a 5 pound bag a picture of Friar Tuckin where my taxi cab that's how I picture him Bill in the original Robin Hood. In the what?

In the original Robin Hood. Eugene Poulet. Pellette? Yeah. Well, that way, oh, he, I don't know he's in that. Yeah. Wow. Where have I been?

I missed a movie that was Gene Pellet friendly. And both of us are, I see the three stooges as heroes. Yes. I stopped going to church the day I discovered the three stooges. Honestly. And I had a head full of it in Detroit. There used to be this morning guy.

He was like a schmow on TV, and he was dressed up like a safari guy, and his name was Buonadonadon. Yeah, and he had a chimp with him. I forget what the chimp's name was, but Bwana Don used to show the stooges. So here I am watching Stooges from the 40s and 50s, and maybe some of the 30s. And I had a head full of this on my way to school. and I had no use for academics. I swear to God, all I ever thought of was,

how do they do what they do? And, you know, we didn't realize when we were watching them, we were learning comic timing or of some sort. And, you know, and it served as well because you're learning how to act when you're, meanwhile, it was like, can you help it? My mom would come in. She said, turn off those awful men. They're Jewish, you know.

I don't know if you know this. Hey, Moe, you took my murder. didn't you? Yeah? Finish, shit, he's come back to horses. So, so, uh- Hey, I know, there's O.J. Simpson and he's pointing at you. He's pointing at where I was. Let's get out of here.

So, out of all the things the stooge just did, like, poke each other in the eyes and run a saw against each other's heads. That didn't bother. And crushed skulls in a vice. What bothered her was they were Jews? What?

what stuck with me, what I thought was the best. Yes. Little things, strange things that you're not supposed to pay attention to, like bad ADR. Because remember, like, sometimes you'd hear a sound on the TV and it would be from the set. Oh, yes. And then somebody would have to dub in something,

like on the Munsters, you know. Herman and Al Lewis get trapped in a bank vault. I love that one. And so I guess Al Lewis wasn't. loud enough and and so they dubbed him in and his room tone was all different. It sounded like a closet that he recorded it and it was too close

and it was like, look what you did you big dummy. You locked us in the bank for. I don't. Jabbar? You know? What I remember with the monsters that stood out with me was that

one time the creature of the Black Lagoon is there. It was an uncle. Yeah, and it's Uncle Gilbert. Uncle Gilbert. Really? You know, because it's a Gil. No, they were looking to do something with that suit that had been hanging around

because it was done by Universal and they were the monster people. They had the rights to Frankenstein and Dracula. So, of course, a Jewish Dracula is better than any Dracula in history. There was one, I think, Jewish Dracula. What, the Golem? No, that was the Jewish. Jewish Frankenstein. That was the Jewish Frankenstein. Yes. Because

a lot of when you... In a motto, Funen and I am, challenge the camp. When you look at a lot of the Frankenstein movies and compare it to the Golem, you see where Frankenstein came from. Oh, sure. And there is

a scene in the Golem where he's standing over a little kid. Yes. That's identical to Lonchini Jr. and Ghost of Frankenstein standing over Janet Ann Gallo, the little girl. Oh, who's still alive. Yes, who we've got to talk to. That's right.

Do you know, how do you know those names? I thought I was bad. I know. It's nothing I'm too proud of. Well, and Gallum was made out of clay just like Adam, so see, we should all be friends. You know what? Louis did some of his best work in that vault episode, Billy. What's that?

Al Lewis did some of his best work in that vault episode of the Munsters. You know what I... I remember with Al Lewis, one... Al Goldstein, Big... Crew magazine, right? Yes, yes. He used to have these big brunches

that I, of course, would always go for free food. Yes, I know. I was happy to take you anywhere. I just loved listening to you, wrestling and out. I used to, I would get inspired to tell you the truth. And I was sitting next to Al Lewis, Grandpa Munster, and he used to dress in, like, Western clothes. Oh, yeah, with the Bolo time. Yes, yeah.

And then the Swedish shirt. Yeah. And he used to talk Southern sometimes. It was weird. Oh, I know. I know, because I knew him, too, and I used to hang around with him, and he was talking about, and Jackie, on that shirt. Oh, Jackie.

He says, he's got that old corn-pone humor. Yeah, yeah. I remember I was sitting next to him at one of these brunches, and he's there with his smelly guitar. Not smelly guitar, smelly cigar. He's there with a smelly guitar. That would have made it worse. Interesting.

A singing grandpa, once he smoked those little cigars. They were dipped in wine. Oh, yeah. Yeah, more wine and more smoke. I want to die. And long fingernails, long rotten fingernails. And one time Al Goldstein is talking about a new magazine, a different magazine he's putting out. And he goes, so, you know, we're going to put out this magazine.

And every month is going to be a celebrity interview. Like this month, we have Pennantella. And Grandpa, how Lewis, turns to me and goes, and takes his smelly cigar out, and he goes, who? And I go, Penn and Teller, and he waves his hand in a dismissed, disgusting way, and goes, piece of your shit. I went to dinner with him and a bunch of other people, and, you know, I asked him the usual stuff like Grandpa, you're 90 something. What's the secret of life? If anybody knows it, you do.

And he goes, you gotta do what you love. I love what you do. And I thought that was pretty nice, you know. And then there were a couple of old bitties in his restaurant one time, and they were trying to thank him for such a good time. He had that place in the Lower East Side, West Side. Grandpa's restaurant. And there were a couple of bitties.

They were like from the Midwest. Oh, we just enjoyed your meal so much. We've never had Italian food in our lives. And we just loved it, and he's going, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're going to come back here, and we're going to tell all our friends to come back to Grandpa's right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he goes, good night now. And then they start out the door, and then one of them ramps up again and said,

Do you have a menu from this place? Yeah, yeah, here's your menu. And they leave, and he looks at me, and he goes, drop dead. That was so him. Oh, and then there was this yuppie couple in there at the time. This was a bunch of years ago, probably 18 years ago. And they had a little girl, and the dad says, Honey, honey, go over and ask him where he lives.

And so she comes over, she's all shy, she's adorable. And she goes, where do you live? And he goes, 13, 13, mocking bird laying. And she screams and runs. runs away from me. And he looks at me and he goes, women, you know, with the shrug and everything. What, what? The big bushy sideburns that he had. And I remember he also, he was having a fight with some producer, like late in life. I mean, the producer didn't want him or whatever. And, and he tells him, he goes, you know, Macy's window, uh, it's in Macy's window, uh, it's in Macy's window,

about 50,000 people passed there an hour, and in that window, you can kiss my ass. There was also a Munster's... Well, there was a saying, wasn't it? It was like Kiss My Ass in Macy's Window at Red Hour. What was it? Harold Square Store? There was also a Munster's where it was like Herman Munster,

meets like the actual Frankenstein monster. Really? Yeah, and it's like... It's a TV movie? No, no, it's in the series. A monster's episode. Yeah, I don't remember that. Yeah, and he's like in that, you know,

fur vest from Son of Frankenstein. Yeah. I don't know what that was. I think Glenn Strange wore that when he played Frankenstein once. It was like a fleece or something. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know which movie.

it was, but, uh, man, you know, the, uh, the Al Lewis stuff, he had a card of gold, though. He really did. Did he run for office at one point in New York? Who? I think he ran for mayor in New York City. He ran as a libertarian or something once. And Howard did that, too. But, uh, but Al wanted to do everything.

He discovered, um, Blue Alcender. Oh, yeah, he's a big basketball guy. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You know, he discovered him. He was an NBA town scout. And he used to say to me, listen, there's nothing like a Nat Heikin script. I guarantee you there is never going to be another out. What's his name?

You know, Nat Heiking Roadcar 54 and he'll go. And he was telling the truth, man. If you had a guy like that writing for you now, your head would explode. And he would say, he'd say, you know, I never look back. I never went and saw the monsters or the movies or car 54 nothing. I'm a progressive. And he was telling me, I asked him, I said, how was Fred Grin? Fred Gwynne?

Was he quiet? He goes, he was silent, and the only person he liked was me. Because I was like a father to him. He didn't have a mom and dad that were close to him. He was from Connecticut. So he said, and then I found out he's dying and I call him up and I said, you had to catch cancer. You couldn't have caught dandruff?

He swear to God, he said that to me like, they're trying to just cheer him up because they both knew, you know. And I also, I wanted to tell you something about that. You like, you love George Jessel, the toastmaster general. Yes, yes, sure. And he was a marble-mouth idiot, barely funny. One bright and shining light That taught me wrong from right

I found in my mother's eyes Those baby tell she told Those streets all paved with gold I found in my mother's eyes Thank you for that I'm the only one in the world besides Frank That is I'm dancing on a table top sitting up barking like

laughing over that one. You say, you know the definition? Now, you know the definition of a smart ass? A fellow that can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is. Hello, Mama? Yes, it's your son. George?

From the money each week? It's a kidish humor. A lot of people don't even know what you're saying. But George Jessel, I fused him with Lou Jacoby to do Dr. Zydeberg on Futurama. See, now I knew

Jessel was definitely there, but I didn't. Oh, so you put in Lujer Kobe. Yeah, you know, like Zydeburg could be. Oh, my God, you're right. Okay. Yeah, and I'm, but the thing was is I remember Lou Jocobie was in

the diary of Anne Frank. Oh, wow. And God forgive me for saying this, but when I saw the movie, two of my A couple of my favorite comedic stars were in it. It was Ed Wynn as the father. And Lou Jocobie is Uncle Boodie. Wow.

Yeah, and Buddy, you know, but I was like saying, these are the funniest guys I know, and they're talking about dead serious stuff, like the Nazis and everything. So Buddy, they were hiding in the attic, and Buddy was just grabbing, like, grain, stealing from the children, like, at night, so he could have more.

He was kind of fat. And then one day they caught him, and Edwin goes, he all along we thought it was the rats, and it was you, booty. And he just said, I stole from the children. I go from the children. And I was laughing my ass off, and I said, I'm going to go to hell for this.

This is horrible. but you know that's what happened with zoidberg i just thought it was a perfect he had all this cool meat hanging off his face i said why not why not be a marble moment you know what that story reminds me of a few years ago there was a tv movie called escape from soby bore and it was like the escape the feel good movie of that summer yes yes i had the lunchbox yes and it was a sylby bore concentration camps and the big escape and the guy There's one guy who planned the escape, and it was played by Alan Arkin. And there were points in that where they're in a concentration camp,

and Alan Arkin will say stuff, and I was cracking up. Oh, no. And I remember, like, he says something like at one point, what are we all fighting? I know exactly what? You're talking about, I wish I'd seen it, though, just for that. Oh, my God. Alan Arkin.

Now, oh, you know, we, we, either we, you could say we worked together or didn't work together, but I was a voice in one of the Renan Stimpy episodes. Yes, you were. I wasn't, I wish I had been there that day. You played a character named Jerry, the belly button elf. That's right. Go figure. Go figure.

But he was this nice little elf that lived inside your belly button because they were contemplating their navels. So you were more than just this living speck of dust. All of a sudden you turned into this monster that just came flying out of there and terrorizing people. He hated lintloaf. Yeah. Oh, yes. Lentloaf. What I remember, too, is like the people that producers,

told me they originally tried to get Jerry Lewis and he wouldn't do it. So I kept throwing in Jerry Lewisisms. As you did, I loved it. Yeah, and I was like, when I, when he'd be screaming, I'd go, Oh, I mean, you know. Hey, Gilbert, I met Jerry Lewis once when I was about 10. He was doing the nutty professor. and I lived in Detroit, so I walked about five or ten miles to the theater in Royal Oak.

It was called the Royal Theater. And back in those days, I don't know if anybody remembers, but a celebrity would show up at the theater to promote the movie, and he would do a little stage show, and Jerry Lewis was the guy, and he did this great stage show and everything, so I have to leave, and I'm never going to see him again, and I know that I loved him. and then many years in the future, me and a couple of voice guys from Nickelodeon call up Jerry's manager. I think it was Joe Stabil or something. And we said, listen, we're some voice guys from, you know, Nickelodeon.

We wanted to know if we could see Jerry. And he says, well, Jerry, you know, I mean, there's a lot of people who want to see him. And he said, you know, maybe like next time. So my buddy calls back and he says, well, we do a bunch of voices for Nickelode. and we know that he's got an eight-year-old daughter. Maybe, you know, maybe we could just say hi or something backstage, and I'll call you right back. And he calls right back, and he goes,

Jerry will see you after the show. And I couldn't believe it. They say never meet one of your heroes because it could go terribly, terribly wrong. You know, but he had the little eight-year-old, and we went backstage, and there he was in a, He's in like a, I don't know, like a windbreaker suit. You know, it's a decompression suit or something after he works. And he comes out and there's pictures of all his movies, you know, movie posters.

And the little girl has no idea who he is. He's just monkey daddy, you know. So we started doing voices for, but Jerry came out and he goes, where are my Nickelodeon guys? And so I told him, I said, Jerry, I said, Jerry, I said, Jerry, I know you hear this all the time, but I'm of age where you have a real impact on me, and I used to go see movies like Visit to a Small Planet. My mind would be blown.

I'd go out and nobody else in the world cared about it except me, maybe one other. But it seems special. So anyway, I said, I saw you at the Royal Oak Theater in Detroit, Michigan in 19, God, it had to be 62, 51, doing a matinee promoting the nutty professor, and he goes, boy was I harran for that one. It's just business. But I, you know, I mean, I'm lucky I got to meet a bunch of my heroes. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast, but first a word from our sponsor.

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and Jeff back knew who I was. You played with Roy Orbison and Brian Wilson. Tell us a little bit about that, Bill. Oh, that was, I played with Brian out in L.A. And actually, New York, when I was still on the Stern show, and my buddy produced his first album. So they were going to play on David Letterman, and they came over and they grabbed me to play.

Right. And it was like so last minute. When I get out there and I'm playing with him, and Brian, when we were at that hotel before we went to the Sullivan show, He wore sunglasses, and I was standing behind him, and I know that there's only one way to access this guy, because he truly is like an angelic human being. You know, he'll walk into a wall, but he could write God only knows.

And I sang the first opening bars to the four freshmen Pointeana, and he turns around, and he's staring, and he starts singing the traveling middle part that's in the original version. Like, he just was thinking about it. And then he took off his... sunglasses and he was saying, that was really good. You know, the four freshmen, I loved the four freshmen. You know, my dad took me to see them.

And, you know, I loved it because he, he, he, he, he accepted me when he takes off his sunglasses, but we went on there and we played Do It Again. We played with his daughter Wendy. And, you know, I played with the house band. Paul Schaefer was playing. World's Most Dangerous Band back then? The world's most dangerous band, and somehow I wind up playing out there, and I'm like, I couldn't believe it.

It was like, this is the guy that wrote the soundtrack to my teens, and here I am playing with him. It's like David Byrne. I started smacking myself in the head, and you may find yourself. Playing next to Brian Wilson, and you may find yourself singing harmony, and you may ask yourself, how the F did I get here? it was just surreal. See, I never worked with Brian Wilson. I worked with the Beach Boys.

Did you really? Yes. You never told me that. Yeah. Tell us. I made... I don't know about this. I made a music video.

They sang the theme song to Problem Child. Oh. I'll be damned. I didn't know that. Who wants to grow up? Who wants responsibility? Oh, no, not me. that was

oh wow so what do you do now everybody says you're running wild the teacher's calling you a problem oh yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah so I worked with the Beach Boys in this music video because I was in the movie too so they wanted me there and the child the problem child was there Michael Oliver

and playing drums was John Stamos. I was just going to ask if it was the Stamos version. Oh, wow. Yeah. So much I'm learning about you. No, I mean, well, at least we have that in common. I mean, I met Carl and I met Mike a long time ago.

But Brian was the one I really was into. And was Brian with him at the time or were they the Mike Love Oldie? No, no. Yeah, it wasn't, Brian wasn't there. And, uh... Happy birthday, America. and who was the craziest one

was that Mike Love or? Dennis Well Dennis was the one man No no he was the crazy But the other one There was another Well they were all nutty

Yeah I think it was Mike Love Though Well he was nutty He had his own flavor of nuttiness You know like at Howard Johnson There's different flavors It's crazy

I think with Mike Love He was over at some hangout and Miles Davis was there. And, and Michaelov was going to get some more grass from some other. Miles Davis, that would be heroin, wouldn't it? Yeah, but this time he was getting some grass. Go get me some heroin. And so Miles Davis said to him, oh, get me some two.

And, no, no, a guy, one of the friends said, oh, Miles wants you to get him some. to and he said tell Miles Davis he ain't God and we ain't room service Wow Wow What a contempt for a jazz icon

Now Frank and I were talking about And only the three of us Who will be talking about this And that's Curly Joe Dorita Oh no Well I had the I had the honor of being at his wake, Bill. Really?

That's a freaky story. Which is the fun, the funniest thing that Curly Joe has ever done. He was the only Italian stooge. I know. That's right. So it's fitting. So what happened? What did you do?

I was living in the Valley at the time, and Drew Friedman had introduced me a friend Mark Newgarden. We were friends from college, and Mark called me up and said, do you know that Joe Derita's wake is happening in the valley today? We have to get over there immediately. Sounds like a son. Hey, buddy boy. I'm being awake today.

You're not going to hit me, are you, Mo? Hey, buddy boy. Buddy boy. I didn't know he did Joe, too. And, you know, his, well, how many people were there? There were about nine people there, including his gardeners, which I never forgot.

Which I think nine people is amazing. Curly Joe? That he actually. Oh, I know. That is amazing. I had the mask card, which I kept for years, and then I gave it as a gift to my friend, Tom Leopold, is a comedy writer and a friend that Gilles in mind, and he just treasures it.

Now, now, what was it? Oh, go ahead. I'm sorry. I heard that Joe Derrida is that his relatives, his descendants are the ones who inherited the Three Stooges' fortune. Really? Yeah, which is the talk. From the daughter, Johnny Moore.

Yes, yes. The most undeserving stooge of old times. You're kidding me. I thought Donald Lugosi Jr. was representing them. No, he was a lawyer. I know. You have to know that. How the hell, what kills me is, how the hell do you go through life,

especially as a lawyer with the name Bail Lagozy, He's going to suck your blood. I mean, how appropriate. Your honor, I bring up my next witness. That's crazy. I can't believe that happened. I rest my case, Your Honor. But he inherited, he got all the money, his relatives.

I got to find out about this. I had Mo's daughter and son in my house the other day. You did? Yes, like about, well, not the other day, like a month or two ago. And because they were doing a studio's documentary, and I was going to talk about Mo and I was going to talk about Larry, and who wants to show up is Mo's daughter and Mo's son, Paul and Joan. And they were sitting in my house, and they, one of them said,

you know, I might have been up here one time. You know, with the parents. My house is nuts. I remember, well, I think it's the guy who wrote the last Larry Fine book. Oh, the, fine stooge. A fine stooge. I don't know about that one. I read Stroke of Luck.

I heard the one stroke of luck. One of them, the first book. It was about my stroke. Yeah. I had a stroke one day as the old. actors home and I was playing shuffleboard and it was Halloween and I put a sign on me whatever happened to baby Jane. That's uncanny.

Drew has a script like that, Bill, in his first book. Well, he's the one that inspired me to just do mix and match with all of them. Like, you know, I did a radio bit once in Boston about Shemp voted the ugliest man in Hollywood in 1940. Meanwhile at night, the stooge roamed the streets teaching his bizarre noises to hookers. How was that? Nah, sister, you ain't doing it right. The first time I became aware of you, Bill, was I was working at Tos, the Tops trading card company with Drew,

and the aforementioned Mark Newgarden, who took me to the Joe Derrida Wake. Oh, boy. I have more to say about that. Let's go ahead. Well, the first time I heard you was that Drew had a cassette tape in those days of you doing Larry Fine at Woodstock. Oh, yeah, that was the old Stern Show bit, which we just loved. You know what? They were almost like religious figures to me, like I told you earlier.

It was like they pointed the way. There was no like thinking about going to a comedy club. Oh, I think I'll get lessons from this guy and it'll teach me how to do stand-up or how to act. You know, there was none of that. How to do voices. You know, Mel Blank is never going to break down in front of my house and come in and use the phone and in exchange teach me how to do, you know, porky pig. It just didn't happen.

There was no signpost for you. I remember they used to be that great commercial for American Express. Do you know me? A lot of people don't know me. But if they heard my voice, You see? And that's the off of the app, folks. You see?

Oh, I got to tell you something about Mel Blank. One time he was getting ready to retire, and he decided he was going to pass the business on to his son. No. Now, you know, they say the apple doesn't fall from the tree, but this apple stopped in mid-air and did a cartoon U-turn to the next field. Oh, geez. And he came on.

with Noel on the Joan London show. She was just, she was unwatchable, but anyway, Mel was on there and he goes, you know, a lot of people have asked me what I'm going to do, but what happens when I kick? Well, I've heard every damn impression that I've, voices I've ever done, and they're all god-awful. So my son, Noel does my voices, and he goes, and John London says, let's have a contest. And which is death, you know, when someone says, hey, Gilbert, we get a guy that does Jafar on here, and we were hoping you could come up with a little, you know. Oh, it's death, it's murder, you can feel the oxygen leaving the room.

So, um, so Joan London says, uh, let's try, let's try this. How about America's favorite stuttering pig? You mean porky? And you go, you know, I do what do they? Yeah, that's all that. And, folks. You know, and then, no. And he go,

I should be a little bit of you. And he goes, fuck. And he goes, see? He goes, see. Oh. He was like the tape measure. You know, the dad is retiring. He wants to put the tape measure around his kid's neck and gives him the cleaners.

I always found that so sad that he wanted the son to take over the family business. I don't think the son wanted to do that. Oh, because, you know, in one episode of family guys, they have a they have like a fantasy sequence where Elmer Fudd catches Bugs Bunny and breaks his neck

and the blood's pouring out of his mouth and he's dragging him along and at the end I purposely looked out and it said Noah Blank so they had him come in for that which I thought was kind of nice

yeah they might have finessed it, you know, maybe it was, uh, but, but, and Mel didn't do Elmer Foote. No, no, it was this guy. Because that was that weirdo that, uh, Arthur Q. Brian. Oh, yeah, I don't think you, Brian. I talked to June foray once, and I said, what was that guy like, June? He said, oh, he was very strange. He loved little boys.

He liked little boys. And I was like, oh, no, I don't want to hear this. I blocked my ears and ran away. I think the way. Because I do them in the guy. I go commercial. You know, and it's like, I don't want to know. It's too much damn information.

So, Bill, how did you get Larry Fine? How did you bring Larry Fine and Stimpy together? What was the genesis of that? Well, I thought, you know, everybody, it caused a stir in the southern states whenever you did that damn voice, and I noticed that just about every guy in the world somehow genetically knew it or was familiar. with it. So when I got to do this cartoon,

I had to amp them up. You know, you couldn't have a cartoon character sound like a depressed old Jewish guy. I don't know why that is. I would do it. And so he had to be kind of chippered Larry, you know,

higher pitched and everything. And that's how that happened. But any cartoon I've ever done, I've thrown in something from the stooges, like some noise or... I'm waiting for the Joe Derrita, you know. not going to hit me, are you, Mo? Now, I,

the story that I heard is, so the guy who wrote, I think it was Steve Cox, who wrote one of the books on the Stooges, and he, when he was a little kid, he wrote a fan letter to Joe Bessa, and

then he was sitting around with his family, watching TV a few months later, and the phone rings, and the mother answers and says, hey, Steve, there's a phone call for you. And Joe Bessa was on the phone, and he's really old and weak, and he goes, I just want you to know how much you let him in to me. You're a very nice young man, and he's very excited.

And he goes, oh, could you say one of the things that you say on TV? And he goes, I don't know what you mean. And he goes, and he says, please, please say one of the things you say on the. and he goes, I can't make out what you. And he says, can you say? And he goes, not so loud. Oh, that's Joe Besser, right? That's great.

Yeah, we're talking, we get two Joe's. I don't know how those stooges were like, you know, whittled down to two Joe's at one point. But not so hard. Yeah. You know what? He thought he was a star. He thought that he was. He should be bigger than the other two.

Well, he was great as stinky. And he's, oh, I'm sorry, go ahead. No, I said he was a great stinky, Besser. Oh, yeah, he was, but the thing was is he did that act, you know. His act was like a male version of baby Snooks on the radio. So he took that act and did it as, you know, Joe Besser. And I, you know, I didn't really go for him. but I think when they did the Three Stooges movie

I told the director of the Farreleys I said you know I met him after it was done because I was a consultant on the movie and I was you know teaching people how to be Larry and I talked to oh God Will

Will Saso that did Curley and he said just tell me anything just tell me anything you know about him and I said well you might have noticed that he would walk with a limp and when he'd the run away, when the other guy said, let's go. He would pivot around the corner and he'd be limping

on one leg and he says, yeah, why is that? And I go, because when he was 13, he shot his own foot with a shotgun. I had heard that. Yeah, he shot himself in the foot. I mean, that's, you would

ordained to be a stooge. You know? He was in a lot of pain. all the time and he drank, you know, but and he used to get drunk and he played at one of those clubs in Hollywood, you know, that's probably still there. Like, oh, I don't know, the

Truscadero, whatever is called, the Trachadero. Yeah. The Atrocadero. And you could hear him like at midnight playing with the band and he'd be going, swing it! And he'd be smashed.

And he had a few strokes before the main. Yes, I know. That was so sad. That was really sad. You see certain segments, certain other shorts where you go, oh God, he looks horrible there. He wasn't afraid to risk his life

for being a stooge. You know? I mean, that's commitment. And now, I also a guy who wound up really sadly with the stooge's was Vernon Dent. And we were talking about it. Oh, yes.

blind. Oh yeah, yeah, I know. Bernie Dent was the guy that would always get a mustache, and he was always put out, and he pissed off, and he would go, where are those three new men? Exactly. He'd either be a cop or a gangster of the head of the company. Have you been to the Stu Gium, Bill? The Sto Giam is where in Philly? Yeah. Is it really because of Larry?

It's in rural Pennsylvania. It's a rural Pennsylvania. I know Drew wants to go. He's talking about doing a road trip to the Stoo Gium all the time. Which sounds like a movie in a shelf. They have to honor. Who's the guy that did Joe McDokes? Oh. What was his name? He played George Jetson.

I can't think of it. He was like a young... George O'Hanlon? George, O'Hanlon. He was like a little firecracker. And, but he was doing those Joe McDokes. And he was from Philly. And that was my key to...

figuring out George Jetson, because of all of us, all of us guys that do voices, you want to be able to replicate, you know, just so you can hear it anytime you want. But my biggest thing was creating voices, but I noticed Larry Fine, Philly, and George O'Hanlon was from Philly. And they both had this, like, bad plumbing between their nose and their mouth. You know, because Larry was like, you know, Hey, Mo, you're putting too much fissom on the tree

You know, and George Jepton George Jepin had the same kind of thing He would go, oh, come on, Janie, honey To clean it's 500 miles away It's taking an extra five minutes To get there Great And I said, there's something in that water in Philly

Maybe it's the hergies or the, you know I don't know Well, it's almost Can you imagine, Frank, that you're sitting here And you're listening to two guys that care about old showbiz

periphery almost more than what's going on like in Afghanistan I'm just I'm just a sad Bill

you are by far I didn't know that I've told you do a mean Lucille Ball is it is it late later the latter day Lucy yes

and a matter of fact I just moved to New York and I went on a Stern show and I was sitting in his office after you get off the show and he'd get his baked potato stern. Oh, I remember those days.

Yeah, and he... Yeah, I'm waiting for my baked potato. Yeah, he would... The turkey slice, white meat. And then he'd wrap the turkey breast around the baked potato, and he'd eat that. And he used to disgust me. It must have given him his magic powers for radio, you know? It might have been that, you know.

It's like, well, but anyway, I'm sitting in his office and, uh, I said, hey, Howard, you know, they continually, they continually showing the conveyor belt bon bond scene on TV and the grape stomping in Italy episodes of Lucy. And I said, I think she's on her way out. And then I sat there and I said, you know, it's not the Lucy that we loved, you know, what she became. But the stone pillow, Lucy is what we got at the end. Stone pillow. Don't remember. Yeah.

Yeah. And you were on the radio when they called me, and I was supposed to be in the Cedars, Sinai. I remember that. Yeah, and you said, Miss Ball, has anybody ever called you Miss Testicle? Oh, stop it. You know, I heard that from Penny Youngman. 45 years ago. Oh, Gary, get my clutch purse.

Remember that last series, Bill? Life with Lucy? Oh, that was a nightmare. It was, you know what? It was like looking at a burned victim. I couldn't take my eyes off. I know. He's a train wreck.

You know, and I don't mean to, but I couldn't take my eyes off it. He's like, was she still with Mr. Mooney or had he changed his character name? I think so. I think Al Gordon was still hanging on. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Mr. Mooney. I'm going out on a day tonight, and I need the money, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy, strap your seatbelt. But you were there, you were just, you were dying laughing, and I wasn't even sure what I was saying because I hadn't played on the Stern Show officially, and they play real rough in there. Oh, yeah. Oh, they did. They did when I was first coming on.

And it was like, uh, so, Gilleson. Gilbert, we get Gilbert here. And Robin, Robin, we're going to call the seat of Sinai. We heard that Lucille Ball is on her way out, and maybe we can get to talk to her. And all I kept saying, after everything he asked me, why are you bothering me?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Here I am lying in spaces. You know, Or just using phony medical terms or something, whatever I was doing. I got one foot of a banana peel and one on the Twilight Zone, and here you are calling me.

And he goes, I'll bet you, you know, who's in the other room? And I said, Dolores Hope. And he goes, wait a minute, she's gone. She ought to be riding by you any second. Oh, look, he's a card. It's from Henny Youngman. You know, people don't bother to do these type of things anymore. Oh, look at this one.

It's from Tom Bosley. So we heard you, you were a little Bob Mackey or something like that. Oh, he designed the dresses. and the last time we saw you on TV was that one of the Bob Mackey now he designed that for Bernadette Peters he's a wonderful man a wonderful man I heard he isn't feeling too well these days

for some reason where's where's Bill Frawley I have to go to the bathroom and they didn't even hook me up to a catheter. They're all Haitians. Where are they from? Haiti. You mean all the nursing people are from Haiti? Haiti.

We had Dick Kavitt on the show, Bill, and he claimed that Gail Gordon stole Frank Nelson's voice, that he stole his bit. Yes. Well, they all did. And then, yeah, they all did that. Well, Gail Gordon, yeah, I mean, He wasn't the original neighbor on Dennis A Menace.

You know, Dennis A Menace show had this guy, Joe Kern from radio. He would say, God, great. But then when they had Gail Gordon on as Mr. Wilson, he was doing, like, the Frank Nelson thing way back, and Frank Nelson was still alive. And I love the Benny stuff. I love it so much when they had the TV show. Or the radio show was great, too.

Hey, Mr. Bunny, you know, that kind of stuff. Yeah. Mr. Benny! Oh, Rochester, where's my white jacket? I'm wearing it. Oh, why don't you get the shrimp for my guest, you silly? And I used to love that stuff so much. And he would go, oh, Asher, can you tell us where our seats are?

And he went, you're right behind you. Isn't everybody? See, that stuff don't fly anymore, but I will follow. if somebody just mentions that junk. We're born too late, Gilbert. I'm sure you've been told that. Oh, my God, yes. We were born old.

Yeah, I remember one time sitting with Penn, and he had some guest over, and he started to name every single reference I make of celebrities in my act. Wow. And each person at the table going, no, no. No. Oh, no. Not even Norman felt?

No. And I realized that that when I do a Christ joke that Christ is my most contemporary reference. Oh. Oh, I used to joke about him

and you really polarize a room. You know, I said, you know, he was probably, you know, after the crucifixion, he was alive again. He got a makeover inside that tomb somehow. You know, he didn't have blood all over them

and scratches and punctures. You know, he came out white, all cleaned up. Cleaned him up nice. And, and he was going around, you know,

and I think he was putting his hand in soapy water and blowing bubbles through his hand. The miracles that he was performing on the TV.

We will return to Gilbert Gottfried. Amazing Colossal Podcast after this. Boarding for Flight 246 to Toronto is delayed 50 minutes. Ugh, what? Sounds like Ojo time. Play Ojo? Great idea. Feel the fun with all the latest slots in live casino games

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With Amex Platinum, you have access to over 1,400 airport lounges worldwide. So your experience before takeoff is a taste of what's to come. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Conditions apply. Man, Uncle Jesus. Okay. So I think, I think I think I'm done with me, are you? What if I want to say?

You can't go longer? Yeah, I don't know. Someone's telling me to wrap. I don't know why. I would gladly go longer. Do you want to go longer, Frank? I would like to hear Bill do a couple more voices. Okay, okay.

That we could always use this. And if we only even get another 10 minutes, we can mix it in with another 10 minutes. Yeah. Now, you also did. I never get to talk to Gilbert. I never, I haven't talked to you and probably. It's all yours.

14 or 15 years. I remember also, you did a thing. It was right after allegedly, according to the papers, Don Notts tried to kill himself. Oh, no. Did he really? Yes, and they were reporting it. They read it on the Stern show,

and they called you as Don Nuss. They did? Yes. Oh, my God. How come I don't? remember that. I don't know what I would have said. No more Matlock means no more me. But I don't know if I did that. I don't know if I did that. I just don't know. I never heard like when he was super old. I remember him on Natlock and he was just, he's an old chestnut.

You know, you could always count on him for a laugh. But man, Don, you know, something is sacred with me, Gilbert, you know. Don't you know? I'll have a little. Don't you know. I'll have you know. How about a little Jonathan Harris, Bill? Do you feel a little Jonathan Harris? Smith. Smith, what happened to all the water?

Someone had to take a dumping zero gravity here, didn't he? Didn't he? Oh, Mrs. Robinson, I was nearly bathing the boy. You know, he used to scream. Flatting them. Oh, my. And according to your Wikipedia page. Oh, wait, be fooled?

Wait a minute. I have a Wikipedia. Wait, we do. Before we go on to that, my connection with Jonathan Harris is there was a short-lived USA Network cartoon series Problem Child. Oh, yes. And the father, you know, not the, you know, Big Big John, I guess they called him. Was this a cartoon, Gilbert?

Yes. Okay. And Jonathan Harris was that character. He was doing cartoon voiceovers. Yes. And did you meet him and work with him? I worked with him a handful of times. And I remember saying to him, like, because the Stern Show always wanted to have him on.

I know. And he didn't want to do it. No, he told me, he said, Billy Boy. He says, I have very. Everything to lose and nothing to gain. And you know what? He was right. I knew him before he passed.

I had done a cartoon with him. And, you know something? He was a beautiful guy. He really was. I used to help him out to his car. And, Billy, please help me today. I can't get in my car. And I was so interested in anything he had to say.

And I said, do you remember the Bill Dana show? Of course. I remember. I played. What did he play? Mr. Phillips, the, what, pompous, Imperious Floor Walker, and Bill Dana was a bellboy. And wasn't Don Adams? Don Adams?

Don Adams. House Detective Byron Gleck. Ah, yes. He was a master of disguise. And Don Adams would be all dressed up in disguise, and he'd come up to Bill Dane, and he goes, you know, do you know who I? am and he goes you don't know who you are but I asked Jonathan

I said Gary Crosby was on that show oh poor dear dear Gary so much talent he killed those boys you know talking about Bing because one time the house was burning down and Bing sent

Gary back into the house to get his pipe collection oh my God you got to read about this stuff. I mean, it's, it's true. I mean, he was, Bing was talented and everything. Everybody loved him, but he was a hollow man. He was an alcoholic, and it was carved out in the middle. There was nothing there. You know, you know, a story I heard was one time someone was talking to Buddy Hackett at a party.

As things like that used to happen at one time. Yes. Yes. And they said to Buddy Hackett, They brought up the fact that Bing Crosby being a violent father. And he goes, you know why Bing Crosby used to be this kid? Because Bing Crosby couldn't get a hard on. Oh, my God, that is so funny. You know, I was thinking it would be great. Nowadays, everybody's a pundit. Everybody's got a show every hour where they speculate on crap.

And I'd love to hear the Buddy Hackett report. You just heard it, buddy. What? Oh, and my all-time favorite death scene was in Bud and Lou. Where Artie Johnson, as their longtime agent, he shows up at the hospital after Buddy Hackett had a, had another bad heart attack, and he's in the hospital bed week. And he sneaks in with a strawberry malted.

And Buddy Hackett takes a sip of it. Buddy Hackett is Luke Costello takes a sip. And he goes, you know, I think, I hire a lot of strawberry maltage in my day. But this one's the best. and he falls over dead. Oh, my God. Do you remember that bill with Harvey Corman?

Is Bud Abbott? Yes, I do. I also know that there was an Abbott and Costello cartoon. Yes, yes. And I guess there was a guy named Stu Irwin who could impersonate Lucasfellow. And Bud Abbott played himself. I mean, it was the last attempt to try to make a nickel or two.

Then one time, he goes in the National Enquirer when it was purely black and white, and it was a real tabloid. They show a picture of him all gnarled up in a wheelchair looking at the camera. His face looked like a post-human face with these little human eyes peeking out from behind it. And they said, you know, he said, if you cared anything about us or our movies, please send me a dollar. Yes, I remember that. Pray, pray to God that that just never happened to it. I know, I know. It's like...

If you like Stimpy or if you like them to hear them say, oh, joy, you know, send me a buck. No, send me a Bitcoin. I want a Bitcoin. And do you remember in the Bud and Lou movie, it's like, you know, both were talented Buddy Hackett and Harvey Korman, but it looked like neither one of them had ever heard an Aben and Costello routine. It did seem like that. It did seem like that. I mean, you know, to me they were really important,

but stuff you used to just take off, you would like jump in an outfit of Luke Costello and just zip it up and fly away with his nuances and everything and meeting Dracula because they really had a movie like that, I guess. Yeah. So you're saying, you're saying, the Frankenstein monster. That was so beautiful. You say the candle moved.

What I remember. Get it right. Get it right. When he's doing that description, and he's describing how Frankenstein's racing out of the crate and Dracula's coming out of the coffinies, and he's moving around. He's miming with his hands all up in the air.

And, like, you know, like mimicking Frankenstein's moves and Dracula's. And Abbott, just out of nowhere, and you know it's like an ad lib, he goes, okay, okay, put your hands down. Oh, man. Oh, man, you know what? That sounds like the way Teddy Healy used to treat the stooges. he was not with it. It was just like they'd be in the middle of something, and some one of them said something was funny,

and he goes, and Healy used to just like it was a huge speed bump, he'd go, oh, you think that's funny, huh? Oh, you think it's funny. You think this is funny, Mabel, you know. And it's like, oh, shut up. Yeah, Ted Healy was horrible, but he was horrible.

He was a great comedian. I don't know. I don't know. always thought he was like one joke away from Palookaville, especially with no stooges, you know? I swear. But isn't it that like when the stooges became the stooges by themselves that Mo was basically the Ed Healy, the Ted Healy? Yes, he assumed that.

But he was so good at it, you know? He used to take the punches and the slaps from Ted Healy. And the other two were tired of being hit. Oh, yeah, because they said Ted Healy never pulled his punches. Never. He would just whack them where they got dizzy. Yeah, and Curley would say, come on, man, what are you trying to do? And Teddy Healy said, you want him to hear it in the back row, don't you?

Oh, geez. Yeah, Ted Healy, Phaedomachia. And then what was the horror movie he was in? Was that Mad Love with Peter Laurie? Peter Lorry? Yeah, we play some crazy, you know, comedy relief, wisecracking reporter. He might have been, it would have been perfect, though,

because that's all he was suited for. And he's awful on it. Is Mad Lerloor? He was always anemic, no matter what he did. Oh, yes, yes, with the, with these. Peter Lorry comes in with like a head, like a neck brace, because it's supposed to be he was, died in the gillity. Carl Freud who directed the mummy.

Yes, yes. Oh, my God. And he's wearing these metal hands because his hands have been chopped off. He thinks he murdered his father. He thinks he murdered his father. You know what? Made no sense with men.

No sense. Do you think anybody's still listening to this? I ran out of question. It's two guys on the phone, you know, and one guy's in Denver. whoopi-do. They're talking about stuff that, you know, we like both

of them, but it was, you know, we couldn't understand it. We're talking about stuff that if Mo Howard was still alive, he wouldn't know what that has. Yeah, I know. You know, Stan Freeberg? Oh, yeah. I asked him one time

he did a run in. Another name. I love this radio stuff. The modern references, keep coming. I love the radio. show when he had Dawes Butler and June 4th and all that. And he did parodies of songs like a week after they came out like Heartbreak Hotel.

He had a parody. But I met him one time on Renant Stimpy and I said, how did you do all that stuff that you did? You know, and I named off a bunch of things. And he goes, well, you know more about me than I do, which is basically true at that point. You know, you're boring a guy with stuff he did.

It's just he didn't remember it. And how did Peter Lorry find his way into Red and Stimpy, Billy, speaking of Peter Lurie? Well, because the original mash-up was he had sort of a Peter Lorry accent to make you think he was like Slavic or something. And then he had a south of the border accent, you know, chiming in and out because he was a chihuahua. He was an asthma hound chihuahua at the beat.

the fight. And then his lines came from like Kirk Douglas and Burr-Lives. You know, we do stuff like, you know. Actually, I didn't do it for the season, but I remember hearing what they wanted me to do. He wanted me to do it, and we went to Nickelodeon, and I did a tape of both of them, and I sold the show. But he decided he was going to do rent.

I didn't give a fat frog, ask, who did what? I was lucky to have a job. I get immigrant mentality. You know, my uncles are up in heaven, like, you know, they're looking down and they go, you had a chance to work for 18 hours a day, and you didn't do it. You grow up.

Oh, my God. I still, I have the same thought that goes through my... Immigrant mentality. Yes, yes. I know, I know you do. Yeah, because I, sometimes I'll find myself, like, bitching about something, like some club I have to do or some voiceover.

And I'll go, oh, God. I have to work for a whole hour. And then I can just imagine my mother and father telling them I'm making this amount of money, but I have to work a full hour. And I'm thinking, what the hell would they be staring at me, the look on that face? Oh, my God, yeah. No, I mean, I used to feel like, you know, they were always there somehow because they were Irish guys. and um who they used to do they used to drink they would never give up they would never give up the ghost

and they would get drunk at the local bar and then they'd go to work and sleep in the doorway so that they could wake up there and be able to go to work rather than miss it come on you stiffs you want to go to work get up get up get up get up you bums come on get up 23 skidoo i i still have immigrant mentality i always think that i'm when i'm in gig and if I don't do the right witty little genderless cloying annoying voice that I'll go home my house will be gone absolutely you know people don't understand that but we're not too far removed from that it's like um I remember one time after an episode I did of Hollywood squares and it was running kind of slow that day because the camera or lights whatever it was screwed up yeah it was a wait

Yeah, and I had a headache, and I was annoyed that it went so slow. And they had a driver who would drive me back to the hotel, and I was in a bad mood, and he says, so how did your day go, sir? And I was about to say, oh, you know, like start bitching about it. And then all of a sudden a voice popped into my head and said, okay, look, you showed up in the daytime, had breakfast, fist, did three jokes, broke for lunch, did another three jokes, and I'm being chauffeur driven back to the hotel. Shut the fuck up. Yeah.

Oh, honestly God. Yeah. You know, I mean, do you know, um, do you know some of the voice guys? I mean, they all know of you. Tom Kenny used to be a stand-up comedian. Oh, yeah. SpongeBob. That guy has so much gratitude and we sit down and we talk about it.

How damn lucky are we? who have wound up to do this. I mean, you know, an actor, yeah, you take your chances. You know, 95% in a business of 95% unemployment, your job is looking for work. Oh, yeah. And it's like, I thank God because there is opportunities. You know, that's all we do is make show business. I just tell kids get into show business, whatever it takes get in, because that's all we make.

That's our factory. Everything else is gone. and they can learn animation on computers and there's always a room for you know room for somebody and I was talking to Frank because both of us were saying how you know like at any given time you could like at the next minute you'll be working like crazy now and the next minute the phone stops ringing

and you're totally forgotten about so you're afraid to turn down work I always I don't have a sense of entitlement, and I've always felt that way. You know, it's like I never took it for granted. Honest to God, I never did. I didn't have a sense of entitlement. You know, I just was like one of these kids. It's like, I just want to bring something to the industry when I decided that I wanted to do it. But I never was convinced you could make a lot of money or be famous. Nothing like that. Well, I always think, like, when I was a kid, and my parents knew I was interested in, like, comedy and show business,

what they must have thought. Like, that would be like saying, oh, I'm going to be a really rich, successful sort swath. The post office is hiring Gilbert. You want to know something? What? You hit the nail on the head. My mother.

My mother. I have the same parents. I think I had the same parents. Yes, we have to. I don't remember you around, but I think I had the same. My mother had me go and take a test for the post office, which I failed. Oh, my God.

It's a civil service. I failed it. Oh, my God. They've got serial killers in the post office, and I failed. That's how stupid I am. Oh, my God. Didn't you know better that someday you could start a stamp business that had on each stamp. one of the guys that went nuts, you know, the commemorative version.

Going on stage and talking about Ted Bessel, was your deliverance. And, and, and, oh, God, oh. Now, I want to find out. I'm in the right place. That's why I don't want to leave. I don't want to face anybody after this. I know. I'm in the right place.

I'm really, I never met her, but I have a feeling that, and I never met her, never heard anything about her, but I have a feeling Marlowe Thomas is the worst human being on the planet. Oh, well, I break out laughing, but I don't, I know so little about Marlowe Thomas. Yeah, I don't know. I know more about her dad. Like, like I think, well, is there anything, is there anything about our dad we can say on the, We don't have enough times. Yeah, he needed a prescription coffee table when he get older. That's all I can say, come on.

Please. This is supposed to be a fun show here. It's a family show. And I should preface, I know nothing about Marlowe Thomas, so I don't. You were trying to shock me, huh? You were trying to be a shock jack. You're outrageous, Gilbert. I never heard anything bad about, maybe it's always because she was trying to be so nice all the time.

on TV. Oh, I know what you mean like Kathy Lee? Yes, yes. So those people that are people are killers. Well, it's overcompensating for something,

let's put it that way, Kathy Lee constantly being happy and then breaking down crying. That's called manic depression. And everybody loves that, that's what gets ratings. We reward the mentally ill. Well, that's show business.

Well, oh, that. It is show business. Everybody's mentally ill. There's something that one of the things that attracted me about show business was that aside that an idiot like me could make a living, is that in real life, outside of show business, like if you work in a grocery store and you're bad at tying your shoes or adding up your taxes, you're an idiot.

That's right, I was. Johnny Depp doesn't know how to tie his shoelaces. I don't either. Yeah, he's a brilliant artist. He's so eccentric. Yeah, he likes that eccentric. You know, why go to France and hide all that wonderful exentricity, you know, when he could parade it around out here.

You know, you're hiding. We want to see them. this behavior. We must. Now, I remember getting back to the Stooges again. See, now I, like I grew up in Brooklyn, and so on the East Coast we had Officer Joe Bolton. Joe Bolton. Yes.

Oh, yeah. We had Major Mud in Boston, Major Mud. Don't forget Captain Jack McCarthy. Oh, yes, he used to show the Pop-Bite. And he used to end each show. with, well, time and tide wait for no man. Thank you, officer. Do you ever hear the empty can rattled the loudest?

No, I haven't heard that one. Haven't killed. Haven't killed. Now, was there ever, now, also in the afternoon, sometimes I'd walk home from school for lunch. I used to go home They gave you a lunch break back then And I would go home

And like I would always I'd like the cartoons More like they used to have the Dick Tracy Cartoons Oh but looking back Oh they were horrible Jiu Jitsu And do you remember

Who did the voice of Dick Tracy I don't remember Everett Sloan Oh wow Everett Sloan Because if you listen That's right I saw his name on the credit

That's right, and just never knew what he did because I only knew him from Citizen King, you know. Charlie Kane was a weird guy, Mr. Kane. I'm chairman of the board. I have nothing but time. Oh, man. I did not know Everett Sloan was the voice of Dick Tracy. Oh, and then at the end of Lady from Shanghai, he's the one walking around with a limp and a gun in the House of Mirrors. And he goes to Rita Hayworth, are you pointing that gun at me, lover?

Good, because I'm pointing this gun at you. And, but, yeah, go ahead. No, in, in, um, in, when he stick, when he's Dick Tracy, if you listen, you know, you could hear it now. You know, you, it's like, okay, Captain, I'll be on it right away. Well, he was playing sinister characters, even like on Johnny Quest. Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, he didn't seem very formidable in the old days, like when he was in Citizen Kane.

He just seemed like a kind of a happy-go-lucky, happy to do my job kind of guy. And then he became more and more sinister doing the cartoon stuff. Yeah, he was like, yeah, and Citizen-Kaney was Bernstein. That's right, yeah, the accountant or something? And I, yes. What else would he be? And I think, also. Wilson says at one point something like,

oh, Mr. Bernstein's apt to visit the nursery every now and again. You know something? Citizen Kane was one of those movies that it's a great film and also fun. Most great films aren't fun.

No. But they didn't get it at the time. You can't say that about the seventh seal. No, no. Not fun at all. It's a homeworker science. Well, now, those Tracy episodes, weren't they pulled finally because of the racism? Oh, they had Joe. They had Gogo Gomez. Go-Go-Gomez. Yes.

And there was an Irish cop. It was Paul Freeze. It was Paul Freeze did the voices for those guys. Oh, wow. There was an Irish cop named Hippo Calorie. Yeah, he was steel apples. What was his name? Hepo Calorie.

Oh. Now, I think Paul Freeze, a friend of mine said he was also very big and, like, he did some famous science fiction. He did a lot of the trailers. Oh, yeah. He did a lot of them. He went, you know, what was it, the hideous sun demon or something? Oh, my God, yes. And monster on campus, you know, by day, a professor at night.

You know, you just say, like, you know, a regular doctor. Mr. Jiko and Mr. Hyde. And I could see him riding home in his limousine that day heading across the sign that says Beverly Hills, and he goes, Jekle? Ah, screw it. He didn't care. He was a crime freak, Gilbert. He was?

He was a crime freak. He used to loan his big giant white Rolls Royce to the cops so they could hold more prisoners. Wow. He could tag along with them. Imagine? Yeah. Now, now, I want to get back to one other thing. Yes, please.

The show must no longer wait, more three students, must no longer wait. And I, I, of course, have to apologize because everyone who's listening now go, oh, wait a minute. They were talking about Dwight Fry, and then they changed. Yes, yeah. We're talking about Howard Johnson's in Times Square. Yes, they were talking about Jack Pierce. versus later years. And then they all of a sudden, they switched.

Tell me some more about Noah Beery. No, not Noah Beery. Oh, my God. Noah Blank. No, Blank. No, no blank. No, that's his son, Mel Blank's son. What do you know about him?

What? What do you know about his son? I do know that his son lived out in the palisades. That's where he grew up, you know, when Mel was residing. They lived in Pliad del Rey, and then they moved to the Palisades. And Mel had a terrible accident on Sunset Boulevard. Yes, he almost died. There's a curve there that'll throw you into the campus at UCLA.

But anyway, the son, he just, you know, came onto his own. He ran blank communications for a while, and then, then he, you know, he was just kind of taking it easy. I don't think he ever wanted that mantle of doing his head, which we talked about. about that. Yeah. So, so he became a helicopter pilot. And,

um, I guess one time he had, like, he had, uh, Kirk Douglas, who was the neighbor up there for years. Wow.

Mel knew Kirk and then, uh, Jack Benny had Kirk on because he probably lived out there. But, but Kirk Douglas, you know what happened is the helicopter seized in midair and, and just kind of went flying downward. And for some reason,

and everybody lived. You know. But Noel Blank basically was happy. Yeah, he was, and you know where he lives, I guess, Bear Lake? Don't ask, I don't know, I've been there tonight. We'll have that Noel Blank on the show. Who what? You'd like to have him?

Yeah. Well, because, you know what it is? He's a real gentleman, and he has nothing but respect for the old days. He has a lot of stories, though. And I have heard him being interviewed by a Bear Lake station. when I was up there. And I think that station at that hour

is getting like, you know, a hundred times the listeners that I'm getting tonnish. The guy who plows your walk is on the air. I think I've lost whatever listeners were here in the beginning. Oh, my God. I'm just loving this, you know.

But I have to take a leak so bad I'm ready to hide it in the rug. I'm ready to hide it in the rug and then pour Perrier over it. That might be the raffle for this show that I'd like to go longer, but Billy West has to take a leak. Yes, that's about it, you know. I mean, maybe old three of us, me, you and Frank, can all do each other with how long we could go without being in our pants. It's dangerously close to the telephone.

It's crazy. It's like an ass meeting here. So, I'll get. You're not allowed to take a pee. Oh, that's funny. So I'm Gilbert Godfried. Are you sure about that? No, I'm...

The name is obscure enough. That it just... fits in with all the others. I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and my co-host has been Frank Santo Padre. That's right.

And in the future, and in the future, people in outer space are going to hear this transmission. And they're going to learn to speak English from Frank Santopatra. Ironic. We learned your English from Frank Santo Pard.

How can you speak Our language. We learned from Gilbert Gottfried. Now do it as Paul Freed. Oh, God, I don't know what to say. We believe the planet Earth. This has been fun, Bill. I'm supposed to wrap up this show.

What are you supposed to do? You're not supposed to do anything. You don't have any protocol. I'm admitted. Admit it. So I'm being told to wrap up. Okay, I get it. I get it.

For real, this time. I don't want to wrap it up. Where are you? What are you in New Jersey or New York? We're at Gilbert's kitchen table. Yeah, which I happen to know used to be down the Lower East Side or something.

Lower West Side. No, no. Help me out, will you? I'm dying out here. It's cold out here along, Gilbert. You ought to know that. It's freezing. So.

I'm giddy. I'm totally giddy. I'm going to laugh. Did I mention I'm Gilbert Godfrey. I think you got better. Yes. And this has been... Thank heaven.

The amazing colossal podcast.