Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Rewind: Episode #18: Jay Thomas

Episode Date: March 5, 2026

Comedian and Emmy-winning actor Jay Thomas is best known to audiences as doomed hockey star Eddie LeBec on “Cheers” and tabloid talker Jerry Gold on “Murphy Brown,” but he’s also a showbiz renaissance man, having worked as a stand-up comic, disc jockey, sportscaster and reality show host. Jay stopped by Gilbert’s apartment on a summer evening to share hilariously candid anecdotes about everything from swiping Bill Cosby’s jokes to getting kicked out of an audition for “The West Wing.” Also in this episode: Jay looks back on the infamous “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?," Joe Piscopo runs afoul of the mafia and Jay runs afoul of Rhea Perlman. PLUS: The Lone Ranger “rides” again! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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He's appeared in movies like Mr. Holland's office and TV shows like Mark and Mindy and Cheers and Murphy Brown for which he won three Emmys. He's also a popular and successful radio host and the star of the aptly named The Jay Thomas Show. So here to tell hilarious stories. And to borrow a pair of my socks for some reason is Jay Thomas. Hi, Gilbert Gottfried with Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast, here with my sidekick, Frank Santo Padre. And if you've never heard of Ray Thomas, that's, you know, been...

Right, he's tired. Jay Thomas. Yeah, Ray... Oh, if you never heard of Ray... Reed, G. Where you could call me Reed. You're a... And you could call me G. Really?

But you don't have to call me Johnson. I will tell you, I'm now glad you were fired. Yes. I am. Jay, you've known me a while. Can you please just talk about how great I am? Are you hard of hearing? Is that why you yell like this?

Yes. God forbid. I have to put headphones on. And I hope these are noise canceling rather than... Well, I will tell you, it's lovely to be... You know, it's weird when you know someone as long as I know Gilbert, we were at the improv together years ago, and I realized I didn't want to be a part of the group of individuals called comedians.

I really found all of them like, what is wrong with? They're all unhappy, and I come in there happy and telling jokes because I'm happy. they're all miserable and Larry David is, you know, he'd throw a rope over the, you know, the rafters in the back and want to hang himself. You know, everybody was crazy, but

you were actually fairly happy, you know? You lived with your mother, I remember. Yes, yes. Is she dead now, your mother? Yes, yes. Is that why you live here? Yes, right. Yeah, I moved in here.

And Dara has taken care of you like your mother did. Yeah. Pretty much. But it's a really lovely apartment in a beautiful neighborhood where four guys, asked me to move in. Good evening. Yes.

Now, who were the other comics you remember back then? I remember guys that kind of didn't make it. Barry Diamond, remember him? Oh, my God, yes. Yeah. He had a great joke. He said he was playing basketball in a neighborhood so rough. He went up for a layup and a guy shot him in the knee.

And I remember going, you know, God, you know, Episcopo was there who was a good guy and then became a complete asshole. And I think it admits it, you know. And then, you know, had these big muscles and said he never took any juice. And I said, Joe, I've been working out with weights my entire life. And unless I took something, I wouldn't look like you. You know, but he's on, I never took anything. So, Joe, Larry David.

The Wayans brothers, I think, were. Oh, Keenan Ivory Wayans used to be. One night I did a bit where I did the whole, the movie, the TV show. Zorro. There's television show Zorro. And I had a wooden horse, and I had props and all this. And I ride the wooden horse around, and I pretend I'm the big fat sergeant. And I ride out of the door, and the door closes, and I'm locked out of the improv.

And by the time I got around the front and came back on the stage, they'd put another comic on. They didn't wait for me to come back. That's true. And then I came riding down the middle. And I go, and there's, you know, somebody else. Who was a really good-looking comic? He was in Boston, and he had testicular cancer. Oh, yeah.

What's his name? What's his name? That way, I think it was Brandt von Hoffman. Yeah, Brandt von Hoffman. Yes. Yeah, I remember him. They were a nice guy. Yeah, he was known for testicular cancer.

Yeah, he went and he gets testicular cancer, and I think I mentioned it on the stage. And, you know, I was just developing this style of being an asshole, I guess. and there was a ball-headed guy in the front row, so I just worked this ball-headed guy over. And it turns out it's Brant's dad who didn't like the fact that he was a comedian or whatever, and he'd come to the show.

And I said, well, why do you put, you know, your ball-headed fucking father in the front row? Who, by the way, his head looks like the testicle that's left. Oh, yeah. They hated me. No wonder. So that was that. And he became the president of HBO, who was the manager.

Oh, yeah, Chris Albrecht. So I know Chris, I see him every now and again, restaurants, how you doing? And he's the head of HBO. Never calls me. You know, nothing ever happens, likes me and all that. One day I get a call from Chris Albrecht, like at my home call, the agency or whatever. He says, Jay, I'm doing a show at blah, blah, blah. Would you come and do it?

I go, yeah, what is it? And he said, you know, women in film or something. He booked me to MC a free afternoon luncheon. Oh, wow. And that was it. He booked me for a free, I guess he figured I'd be the only MC available that day. Yeah, it was weird. That you'd be so thrilled.

I did it. I went and did it, you know, and there was, you know, whoever was there and women in film. And, you know, I think my line there was, I really loved Bonnie and Clyde and. and it was a chick flick with a happy ending. Not Bonnie and Clyde, Thelman Louise. It was a chick flick with a happy ending, and they groaned. Because in the end, the two women died in the car. I thought that was funny, you know, and I said I never,

I didn't go down on women during their period. I remember I said that. You know, I don't eat the right room for that. Yeah, it was all bad. I can't believe. As my wife would say, well, of course he'll never use you, ever. as long as you live with that kind of material. It's horrible.

Didn't Albrecht? Wasn't he half of Albrecht and Zamuda? A, A, to Z? He did try to do some comedy for a while, right? And then he was the manager, the bartender kind of a guy over there. Yeah. Yeah. And then Bud would open sometimes.

When you were there, did you always want to follow a singer? Who were those sad singers at the improv? Well, I remember she mainly worked catch, but Pat Benetaw. was a singer at one time. Oh, wow. And Patty Smyth. Holy shit. Yeah, they were like the big singers.

Fuck, can you say holy shit? Fuck, shit. Okay. Well, Rick Newman was managing Pat Benatar. And she was a singing waitress. That's right. At catch. Wow.

And there were a bunch of other singers who went absolutely nowhere. Yeah, and they would sing, you know, and the crowd is there and it'd be polite. And you're going, oh, you know, they couldn't wait. You know, they'd think anything was funny. And what I remember. when the singers would get off stage, or when they were ending and saying good night, the waitresses, for some reason,

as a show of support, would start screaming more, more. And I thought the audience is looking around going, we don't want to hear any more of this. We didn't come to a comedy club to hear singers. The waitresses wanted to hear more singing? Yes, yes, yeah. Oh, my God, they must have been lesbians.

Yeah. We had to be lesbian singers. Right? Jay, you said you were a comic. When you started out in New Orleans, you were doing other people's material. Yeah, I did. In high school, I started imitating Bill Cosby and Woody Allen and whoever. Because, you know, you'd get an album. They weren't on TV all the time.

And I would do that. And then I'd put my own stuff, you know, there in the middle. And I began to win talent shows and stuff. And then I got hurt playing football, and it was devastating for me, because that's all I really wanted to do. And so a teacher, said, look, we're having the talent show. There were big deals. These big, you know,

thousands of people would come over five nights to these talent shows. And so I emceived my high school talent show at Jesuit High School in New Orleans, and I won the talent show. I wasn't entered, and I won it. And so then other schools called, and so then I was taking typing lessons

at the YMCA, which was about six or eight blocks from the French quarter, and I would go into the French quarter, and I would say, can I tell jokes? And it would either be strippers would be there or there was like a hoot-nanny kind of a place or whatever and um they would let me tell these you know my jokes and i would sometimes stand in the um where the go-go dancers uh danced in like a cage and guys would throw shit at me while i was telling

the blues brothers yeah chicken wire and the cops would come and you know i was you know 16 and i'd hide under the stage and it was uh it was it was fun then i and i you know my parents parents would have been horrified. So I would drive it. I would touch the YMCA. I was Catholic. I don't want to lie. Touch the edge and then go tell jokes. My dad would go crazy because I couldn't type. And I said, you know, my hand hurts. I can't do it. I got on his deathbed. He said, you know, never understood it. You know, you can't type, but you're very funny. I go, well, I don't know how that happened. You'll rest easy now as you take off, you know. So yeah. So yeah, that's true. It was, um, Nobody knew. Or if they did know, they thought I did a good impersonation. Didn't you do the Woody Allen bit about stealing second base and feeling guilty? Filling guilty and going back. Yeah, stealing second base at this paranoid camp he went to, you know.

And then Bill Cosby, I did all the football stuff, you know, pro, this is a kid. Kid, this is a pro. What's the matter with you, boy? Well, I can't get no girls. Yeah, and you ugly, too. And oh, Jesus Christ, they would go crazy. This is your beginning in show business. Yeah, it was fun.

And, you know, I did theater and stuff. And then I boxed that wrestled. I played football. I ran track. And then went on to college and kind of did the same thing and told jokes. And started writing my own material and became a DJ. A sports announcer first. In Charlotte?

No, actually in Panama City, Florida. I was a high school football announcer. And at the junior college and did stuff there. And then moved the Pensacola and then to Knoxville and then to Nashville. and then to Charlotte, North Carolina, and then from there, Jacksonville, Florida. And then I moved to Charlotte again and back to New York. I was a big deal in the South.

I did basketball, football, told jokes, you know, morning guy and all that stuff. I mean, Howard Stern once said that they used to listen to me at 99X before they were, you know, their Long Island. I remember 99X. I made fun of everybody. And, you know, and Steve Allen came in. It was a big deal for me when he came in. And he wasn't funny.

At all. You know, it's one of those guys that, and I have comics come on my show now, and it drives me nuts. They don't know how to do, like you know how to do radio. You're not afraid that you're going to ruin your show that night or whatever the hell it is, right? There are a lot of these comics who are afraid, I guess, if they do their material in conversation, that they can't use it again. And, you know, the joke is, well, no one's listening to this show. But I've thrown a football and told the same joke on Letterman for almost 20 years, and there are still people. that come up to me or send me the video as if I've never seen it before, right?

And it's been, you know, 10 million hits or whatever. So you can say the same crap over and over. I mean, you do the same material. There are also those comedians that come on the radio that unless the interviewer has it prepared, like, and goes like, so I heard you were trapped in an elevator with a gorilla. It's worse than that. I will lead them to everything I think they should be working on.

So I would go to some young comic, you know, I would go, what about that war in Iraq? You know, they must have some jokes about that. You know, hey, how about that traffic out there? And I say to my

producer, I go, you know, just tell me what to ask them. And I will ask, you know, whatever it is. You know, got boyfriend troubles or whatever, you know. But a lot of young comics come on and they just, you know, they don't, all the, all, let's say over 45 years old, you know, all the, they're all beat up and drunk and everything else. They don't give a shit. So they come on, they'll say anything, you know.

I mean, if you ever heard anyone yell out one of your bits when you started doing it? Oh, yes. Oh, you have? Yeah, yeah. Does that bother you? Yeah, it's annoying. I've had opening. Do the Japanese guy for us.

They do that one? I've had opening acts doing. one of my bits. That's impossible. Yeah, I've heard, I've been sitting in the dressing room, hearing the opening act, and I know, oh, that's my bit. Oh, my God. What are you doing a case like that?

Nothing. Remind them. Yeah. Hey, do you remember the story of Joe Piscopo getting beaten up? Yeah. By a mobster. Yeah. Yeah, he was making fun.

And he was beaten in the coat room. And he was put in the hospital for three days. Joe and I were really close friends. He'd married a woman from Fort Walton Beach, Florida. I was a DJ in Jacksonville, and he was going to a college, a kind of a broadcast college there, and he and his roommate would do bits on my nighttime radio show. And so years later, like five or six years later, I end up in New York, and I'm here as a DJ, and I'm here to do my thing, right?

And I go to the improv, and there's Joe Piscopo telling jokes. And we'd never met face-to-face. I don't think. And I went up to him, and I said, it's me. you know, Jay Thomas. And he goes, what are you doing? I said, I want to be a stand-up. And he got me in there on Sunday nights.

I guess we started on Sunday nights. Yeah, so Joe got me into the improv. Yeah, that's how we started. Yeah, and I remember Joe during that period of muscle man, period. It was weird. He used to grease his muscles. Yes, it was odd. It was a weird thing.

Why was he beaten up? He made a match. Was it catch? I thought was improv. Catch is where, because he was joking about some guy in the audience and saying something. Oh, yeah. All the mob jokes. Like you were doing pushing your nose to the side.

Yeah, all that stuff. You were explaining that to the listener. Well, no one's, it's not being filmed. Well, why don't you Skype this? Yes. But he's doing all the mob jokes. And what are you, a hitman for the mob? Oh.

Turns out he was. Yes. And then he comes up. out. Joe is just there at the bar. His name was Nick Slasher Abagano. No, even better. Wow. And then

he's out at the bar and out of nowhere this guy punches Piscopo right in the face. Just cold cox. Yeah, yeah. Rick Newman's great advice is, Joe, run! And he

makes a run for it. And then Rick Newman visits Joe Piscopo at the hospital. and he's shaking his head back and forth, and he goes, I can't believe he did that. I can't believe Johnny Rip would do a thing like that. Well, you know what else?

No cops were called, no lawsuit. Nobody saw it. Nobody said anything. You know, nowadays, you know, first of all, you'd tweet it. Oh, yes. First thing you do, I was beaten tonight. You know, by an Italian. Then Joe would get in trouble for saying.

Oh, yes. He was a monster. And by the way, he wore black shoes. That's racist. Yeah. He had black shoes on. And I ran like a negro. That's racist. Yes. And I wanted to go home and get an arrow, put it through his heart. Like an Indian, like a red skin. It would have been all... And I wanted to kill his family like a Puerto Rican. It would have been racist.

And I turned yellow like a China man. Yes, I was as yellow as the guy the deletian. delivers my food. Oh, yeah. He'd be ruined. He'd be ruined. It's way over 146 characters. He's working as a tweet.

We'd like you to comment on the firing of Anthony from opium. I said, here's my comment. I don't give a shit. I just hope they free up his salary and give me a raise. I don't care about it. What do you think of the Redskins controversy being a football guy? I think he has to change the name, and I think he must be trying to save on, I don't know what, what's stationary?

I don't know what he's doing. He's got to change it. Now he's lost his copyright protection. The Radskins. How about that? There's come on Radskins. Let's go. There's really no fearsome name you can think of.

That's the problem. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. Where are my gloves? Come on, heat. Any day now. Winter is hard, but your groceries don't have to be. This winter, stay warm.

Tap the banner to order your groceries online at voila.ca. Enjoy in-store prices without leaving your home. You'll find the same regular prices online as in-store. Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary. Now, you, much like, what was the guy on Married with Children, originally from Happy Days who killed every show? Oh, I know who you're talking about. Ted McGinley.

Ted McGinley. Yeah, I have that in me. So you were like the Ted McGinley for a while. What shows have you killed? Well, there was a line of them back. But, you know, I was added to the cast of Hung. Next day canceled. I did Dennis Miller's TV show canceled.

But literally the next day. Yes. I just did the view. Sherry Shepard interviews me. God told her it was over. Did you read that statement? God made the earth in seven. That's a completion.

She's been here seven years, so it's over for her. You know, that's it. I've watched shows that were canceled. This is sat and why they canceled the next thing. I just saw that show the first time last night. You get a lot of power. One show you are put on right at that desperation stage. You know, there are always these series.

I have had, I have done that. at the desperation. That's a shark jumping. Yeah, what did I? Okay. This one, this was a show that was a big hit at one time, and then they went in for every gimmick and stunt an extra character they could throw in to try to salvage it. What show?

Mark and Mindy. Well, now wait a second. Well, he was there for three seasons. No, wait a second. Morgan Mindy was the number one show because of Robin, and I remember watching it, and I was not, I'd done some off-broad. stuff and was fooling around with you guys. And so I'm watching, you know,

Morg and Mindy and thinking, wow, you know, this is crazy. And I get called for an audition. And I was in that group where Jay Leno's face scares children. Have you heard that? Oh, yes, yes. That was Mork and Mindy. They looked at his face. They looked in.

And these were in the days when they flew you out to Hollywood for a screen test. And this is what I remember. I go and hundreds of guys are trying to get this part of the deli owner. and I win the audition here and they fly me out first class. I'd never been in a first class seat. And I'm working at the radio station at 99 X at the time. And I'm in the first class and I can't believe there's going to be Chateaubriand and Champagne. I mean, it was a big deal.

And all of a sudden, they bring in and they lay down two seats next to me, two giant first class seats like right next to me. and the one behind me. So it's me, and now these seats have been leveled. And they bring on a stretcher. And in the stretcher is an old dying woman that they're transporting from New York to Los Angeles. And they put her in the seats next to me.

And when I say dying, dying. And so her daughter, can't afford the first-class seat, so she's in the back. And the daughter comes forward to roll her mother so that she doesn't get any more bed sores. And it's a six-hour flight. And here comes the Chateau-Bri-a-ha-ha-ha-hast-bri-a. You know, the cocktails, the whatever. And every now and again, this almost dead lady fart.

would come wafting and then the daughter would come and she would ask me for help and we would move this blanket and the old lady would go six hours across the country yeah

I imagine you can't write it make it up nothing it ruined my whole trip but you get there I got there I get there and the audition is like on Monday and they put me in the holiday end there in Hollywood and Alien was showing.

And it was pilot season, so all the comics were out there. And Larry David was there, and I think Rob, who was the, oh God, I know I'm so well to it, I'm forget. Robert, he played the agent on

HBO. Oh, Robert, yeah. We're all forgetting. Oh, from Odin Kirk. No, no, no. Oh, Robert Wool. Yeah, we're Robert Wolfe. Yeah, and they're all starving, and they're all comics and they're there for pilot season. So aliens play. And, you know, this TV's movie. So I'm doing anything

to relax myself. I go over and I see these comics that I know. And I get in line and I see them all. I'm saying hi and I'm so happy to see them and everything else. It's like eight or nine of them. And I go, what do you got? You know, we're all here for pilot season and we're living in this thing. And I said, oh,

well, I'm here at the holiday and Paramount flew me in and I'm screen testing tomorrow for Oh, wow. I went and got popcorn when I turned around. They had dispersed. They were not sitting with me.

They were not around me. That was that. So now I go into this unknown movie, and I'm just there, and I can't stand horror movies. I'm scared to death of things. I sit down in the middle next to this, and there was a black guy next to me.

I'm sitting down there. When that monster came through John Hertz's show, The chestburster, yeah. I grab on to this black guy next to me. And I, I mean, I'm like in his leg, get the fuck off me, man. Yeah. And so I watch Alien. That ruins me.

I go back to the room. I wake up and I read with a series of girls that were going to play my sister. And so I pick out the cutest one and immediately want to, you know, fuck her. that night. And I thought, we'll be on TV a long time. Why not fuck while we're doing it? It was reasonable.

They hired the least fuckable woman of the group. And she played my sister because she played cards with, you know, Gary Marshall or whatever reason they chose. And then I go do Mork and Mindy. And for some reason, Robin had no interest in me of being there. None. He wasn't exactly mean,

but he wasn't welcoming. And I know he was all coked up and all. like kind of stuff. But instead of me, the character taking him places and showing morgue, you know, the world or whatever, they, did you do a morgue and Mindy? I know. Oh, they would bring in, they brought in, you know, Paul Rubens came in. He was a comic. They would bring in all these comics and they would have the scenes with Robin. And I would have two or three lines or whatever. And if I had a show, I thought I did, I did well. So, you know, Robin just, you know, wasn't

saying, gee, let me be with Jay, right? And so now this first season ends, and I'm making like $10,000 a week, right? And the agent that I'd gotten didn't believe or something that I got these big auditions. And I was already in radio. I had a lawyer and everything else. So I called the gap and said, look, I've got a huge audition and you're not really treating this properly. So I'm not going to use you as an agent. And he says, well, I'm going to sue you. I go, Well, okay, but, you know, I don't know. So I call this lawyer friend of mine, and I go, you know, this agent guy, he says, well, I know the vice president of Paramount, and my lawyer calls up,

and he goes, yeah, we got you the deal and the whole thing. And so now that the agent suzes, right? And for five, you know, for 10% or whatever it was. And I hadn't signed a contract with him. And in L.A., they make you sign. But in New York, everybody was running around with those. and had I won the lawsuit, I would have changed. All these actors could have just stopped working with their agency

who they never signed with. So now the union gets involved. Everyone gets involved. And I think I paid the guy 5% for a year. So now I didn't have an agent, and had no one to send a check to. I would stand in line with all of the truck drivers and everyone getting their checks on a Friday night at a window at Paramount.

And they were getting $800 or $1,000 or $1,000,000, And this $10,000 check would be handed to me through the window. And I would get this $10,000 check. And I'd made, you know, $60, $70,000. I made money as a radio. Now I'm making, you know, so I would sign a piece of paper and I would go to the bank and put my $10,000. I didn't even need two shows. The $10,000 is going to last me forever.

Sure. $10,000 a week. Yeah. The lawyer guy calls me. I still don't have an agent. I have no agent. You know, I don't even know how to get an agent. I'm on national TV, no agent.

He calls up, he goes, oh, and this is what they used to do in Hollywood. They would lower your salary and cut your shows, and of course, you quit. You couldn't, you quit. So the lawyer calls up, he goes, look, you know, they're not as happy with you, blah, blah, blah. They're not going to give you a full season. I go, oh, okay, I'm on the phone in my apartment in New York. He goes, yeah, instead of doing, you know, 13 or 26 or whatever, They're going to give you eight out of 13 shows.

And they're going to cut your salary to $9,000 a week. And I go, okay. And the guy goes, did you hear what I said? I said, yeah. Eight times nine is 72. Something like that. He could still get along. It was fine.

You didn't need a telethon. And the guy kept saying, now do you want someone to negotiate for a no i think this is going fine i think this negotiation is really going well and i said you know where do i go to get the papers when i show back up at the set everyone's like what what did he do like we cut his salary we cut the show he's just okay said all right you wouldn't take a hint so i did the next you know season and then in the third year they fired me in about four the people and they hired Jonathan Winners.

Yeah, that's what they did. But I, you know, I did 30 shows or something and, you know, it was in like the whole time I did 14 minutes or whatever, you know. It was weird, you know. I mean, I wasn't any good either, but they also didn't really have me ever doing it. It was one of your first acting parts, really, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I had done theater and stuff, but, and I was, it was, I didn't really do enough work

to, to get better, you know, to become a TV actor. Then I came back to New York when, back in the radio and did four or five years of solid theater and did some more stand-up, not a lot, and really learned how to act. And then when I went back to L.A. again, I was replaced by Howard Stern. You know, he learned so much for me that he beat the piss out of me. That would go on to happen many times. Yes, it did.

Many markets. And so I go out there and I got on audition for cheers and I got on cheers. Yeah, that's how that happened. So. Now, he was a story I was talking with Frank about. I don't know where he's going, Jake. What is it? Now, you then, you're on Cheers, like a number one show on the air.

Yeah. And you make. Second number one show I'm ruining. Yes, yes. Number one. I played a really nice guy, though. Yeah. I played a really sweet.

Eddie Lebeck, really sweet player. And then you went back to your radio show. Number one radio show. Yes. And had some. we're talking about reaperlment. I would make fun of the character

Carla. I mean, everybody did. They were calling up. And I was being listened to all over L.A., right? And I go to work, and I started noticing she didn't speak to me.

You know? And guys will call up and they go, Hey, you want that collar on her, you know, they got to pay you extra. I go, yeah, I get battle pay.

to a kisser and we rub our stubble together. You know? Ha, ha, ha, ha. So one day I'm home, phone rings, and it's Jimmy Burroughs, the biggest director. And I'm in my living room, and he says, are you sitting down? I'm thinking, I know they're going to add either Bibi New Earth

or me as a main character, because I was recurring, but I recurred a lot. Oh, cover a TV guide, one hour, specials. We did it all. We had children together. We had everything. And he goes, well, and he goes, now this isn't because of RIA. What he opens with. Right. So you know it.

And I go, you mean, I'm not coming. No, you're not coming back. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it's kind of quiet for a minute. And I go, well, okay. I think he reiterates, you know, this isn't for Ria. Because of Ria. And I go, okay. And so then it's quiet and he goes, do you want to know how we're going to get rid of you? And I go, okay, he goes,

well, we find out you're a bigamist and you're such an old beat-up hockey player that you're run over and killed by a zamboni machine, which goes like half a mile an hour and cleans the ice. And he starts dying laughing on the phone. And you were traded to the Pittsburgh Penguins, which we know, but it's the ice capades penguins. And we're going to be. bury you in your penguin suit. And this is how much of an actor I am. You want me in the coffin? You know, I would have gone back for another

nine grand. I'd have gone back and died and been dead. Like Sherry friggin' shepherd. Hung around. Oh, they can't me. You know. Oh, you fired me? Well, give me some makeup. I'll be back out in a minute. Your old buddy, Ken Levine,

did a funny blog about the death of Eddie LeBenio recently. Yeah, then he went on to be a big baseball. A baseball guy for the Padres. Something around that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you killed one show. You were killed on another show.

I haven't killed. Yeah, it's all happened. It's all happened. But you won an Emmy. Two. Two Emmys? Nominated three times. Okay, one was Murphy Brown.

Two, all of them. Oh, all were Murphy Brown. So now I lose my job at Cheers. Back to the radio. And I was doing other episodics I was on the radio And, you know, and I would make fun of it on the air You know, I was playing, you know, dance music

I mean, every Mexican in L.A. listened to me and my car was parked immediately When I pulled up. I couldn't get into the club But my car was Waiting for me when I came out. So, um... No, like I d'Albandia.

Don't die ab only goes. And so... Now apologize to Mexicans. I am Mexican. My mother's black. I'm not apologizing. How can you make fun of black? My mother's black.

And she has those big immigrant nipples. Big, it looked like that hard sausage that you're buying the Italian deli. They have like dots all over. God damn, Gilbert. You made me choking my own shit here. So they send you a script. This happened with West Wing, too.

And, you know, I was kind of known, and no one knew what happened to Cheersman. You know, it wasn't like Twitter or whatever. So I go in, and they'd been on the air for a few years at Murphy Brown, like two or three years or whatever. And they were looking for a guy to be in the office or something like that who was kind of an overbearing asshole. So I come in and all the people are there

and a director I knew from New York was there. A guy that, Barnett Kelman was his name. And Diane English is there and they're all there. And so I come in and I begin firing like an asshole completely. I looked at Barnett and I go, I thought you were dead. You know, I did all kind of all that shit, you know. And, you know, I animated he had AIDS or something. He was very skinny, you know, you know, whatever.

And I get back to the. car or get the phone and my agent goes what did you do uh over there what happened over there i go what do you mean it's well they don't they don't you're not being called back and they don't want you like to come back over there i go well no i was i was playing the camera you know how they go wow he came in he was all ballheaded he brought a knife with him he we hired him as the killer you know you were doing a little method did completely you know get out of here so other stuff happened i do you know other work and everything else, and a few years passes. And they have another character named Jerry Gold that no one saw, but it was the nemesis of

Murphy Brown, the left-wing news announcer. And Jerry Gold was, you know, like Bill O'Reilly or somebody, right? Morton Downey Jr. was the guy back then. So they go, we got to get somebody in here and they go, hey, remember that asshole, Jay Thomas? Yeah, let's get him back. I swear to God. So they call my agent, and he says they must have forgotten that they read you three or four years ago, but go in anyway. I go in, I am nervous.

I'm completely nervous. So they give me the script, and I read, and it's dead silence. And they go, what is that? What is that? I go, they go, act like you did before. I go, what do you mean? When you said he was going to die of AIDS? all this kind of shit.

And so I just acted like that in the game of the job. They wanted you go off script. They wanted me to act like an asshole. I see. So that's what happened. And now I did that. I got called for the West Wing. I choked in a guy.

Why am I eating during an interview? Rob Lowe was sitting in the lobby, sweating bullets. And because of that video or whatever, he hadn't worked in a long time. and he had been called back four or five times. I'm so well known. I was just called back for the final auditions for West Wing to play some guy in the White House. And my agent's going, you know, it looks like you and two other guys, no sweat.

So Rob is out there sweating. I say, hey, man, what's going on? He goes, hey, I'm back five times. I don't know what's going to happen. I go, shit, you know, they had to hire you. I go into this room full of people. John Wells is there, you know, Sorkin probably. had done like a half a gram of Coke,

and he's sitting up in the audience up there, West Wing. And I go, before I audition, I'd like to say, I think you should hire Rob Lowe. And this room full of people goes, why? I go, because he has a huge cock. You'd seen the tape. And if you see the video, you see the girl right here, a big squiggly line.

Rob is right here. and they threw me out of the audition. I get back to a phone and my agent goes, what did you, what is you doing there? I drove back to Santa Barbara and we moved. We moved away. We moved to the East Coast. I'm not joking.

Wow. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. Even today, the casting director will hug me and say, that's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. It ruined you, but it was the greatest. But how did you manage to get the part? I didn't.

I didn't get the part. Yeah, that was that famous Rob Lowe with the two girls. Yeah, and they didn't even want me on the lot. It was like weird. Because that's all, that was their problem. They couldn't decide whether they should hire this nice looking guy to play the part or if this video thing would play into it. But no one would say it.

So I said it. Did Rob ever contact you and say? We know each other. I did a little movie for him. I never told him I did this, but maybe he's heard it. I don't know. It's not a story I tell on talk shows. You just did.

Well, in this one, I would. Who's going to hear it? No one at all. It's going to fucking hear this. Now, you've worked a lot with... I could choke and die here. And you know what? It would be like in the old days when they go like this.

President Adams, what? The war is over. They signed the treaty a month ago. Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. That's how long it takes, you know, information. The treaty was signed. France surrendered, win.

Two years ago, oh, thank God. Bring our troops home. They're still fighting and the ships are going over. Now, you've worked with and are friends with Richard Dreyfus. Yeah, I did Mr. Holland's opens, and then he would hire me to do stuff, and he was doing a drama. PBS and he got hurt.

And he, they go, well, Richard, what are we going to do? You know, and we, another scene. We can get another actor. And he goes, yeah, I think you ought to bring Jay Thomas in. And all of these dramatists at PBS, they go, Jay Thomas?

And he goes, yeah, that's who I want to replace me. And they called me up and I had 103 fever. And the director calls me and says, hey, what do you know? I go, oh, man, I'm really sick. I'm in bed.

He goes, yeah, I'm doing this thing with Richard there in New York. And that's too bad. They'd like you to come. I go, you mean to be on the show? How much? $10,000? I said, that's my number. I got up, got in an airplane, burning in fever, and flew on.

And then he did a play and stuff. And then he did a show called The Education of Max Bickford, with Marcia Gay Harden. And if you go on my, my J. Thomas, j.thomas.com, it's Richard Dreyfus and Marcia Gay Harden and me, you know, the two Academy Award ones.

Yeah, I mean, he was great to me. Really wonderful. That was a great show. Yeah, it was good. And, you know, they didn't promote it. They shouldn't have canceled it. It was good. But, you know, that's what they did.

It's funny, because Dreyfus has that image of being like the actor. Yeah, and he's a great guy. And he was loved working with me on Mr. Holland's opus. And there was a play ring. And I had owned a screenplay for a while. And he came and did the reading for me and all. He was wonderful.

You know, I mean, it was great. And then the PBS thing was a big deal for me. So, like, not at all full of himself. No, no. Just a great guy. He once flipped a car on sunset. And when they got there, the Coke was falling out of his pocket. Like, you know.

And I think. think after that he got straight. He straighted back. There's a lesser-known films that I love him in. Once-A-Rown. Yeah, once-a-round is wonderful. One of my favorite films. Lassa-Houstrom film. And also the big fix, which you can't find, which is a film noir where he put a modern-day film noir, which plays a private eye. I've seen that, but I think once around is one of the. He's great in it. Holly Hunter.

He said to me, once-around hurt my career because he plays such an obnoxious guy that he said, people thought I was like that. And I said, maybe that's my problem, you know, because I really am obnoxious. You know, what's funny, I think people think I'm going to act weird on a set, which I've never done. I've never, you know, I do my work, and I'm doing a play now. My son wrote the music for a call Somewhere With You, on 40 seconds. You just go to Somewhere with You. And I do Ray Donovan also on Showtime. Now, is there any chance, or is that strictly for Letterman?

What? Of the Lone Ranger story. No, I don't. I'll tell you the after story. Okay. Everybody knows it and you can go online and see the original. You know. It's a treat for people that don't know it, Jay does it every year on the Letterman show at Christmas time.

But the Lone Ranger, I opened car dealerships. I was a disc jockey and you can see the whole thing. And so after it's over, there was a car wreck, and the Lone Ranger helps me and my stoned friend out of this situation. So we get back in the car and we're driving the Lone Ranger back to this hotel, motel, in Charlotte, North Carolina. right? And so we're so thankfully helped us out of this wreck situation. And we get him back to the red roof in or whatever. And is there anything we can do for you, Mr. Moore? And he goes, as a matter of fact, could there be any perhaps entertainment or?

Or or or or or and we go, we realize he wants a chick. And he's wearing the mask and the hat. He's wearing the mask and the hat. The full loan. Ranger. Get up. I just recently, his daughter contacted me to tell me how I kept her father's memory. I said, well, I'm going to tell you a story that's going to ruin your father's memory for you. And I told her this story.

I said, so Mike and I knew this girl. Her name was Melanie, and her last name is a color. You can pick whatever color you want. It's a color. And she liked to screw celebrities that came to town. And we would call her up and we would go, Melanie, you know, Cheech and Chong are in terms. She'd go fuck Cheech and Chong. You know, Melanie.

Tony Orlando is in town. Suck Tony Orlando, you know. Tie a yellow ribbon around my dick, you know. So, you know, and you knew Melody was there. So we call Melanie up, you know, and the Lone Ranger, the show had been off the air for quite a while. Sure. And she was, you know, much younger than we were. And so I go, Melanie, we're in front of the Red Roof Inn right now.

And the Lone Ranger is in town, and it's dead silent. And she goes, really? I go, yes. And we've told him all about you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So I said, look, we're going to come get you. And she was a lovely girl.

Her father was like a big realtor or whatever. And she would bring girls to me who had never had an orgasm. And I would make sure they'd still never had one. But would work with them, would work with them. And so you know what works? You get Tupperware. And you know when you click it, you put their clit in there and you click it. And it works.

Somebody got a pen? Yeah, write it down. So I, I, so we go get Melanie. We bring her back to the red roof end, and I say, look, we're going to go out to the radio station, and I'm going to get the William Tell Overture. I'm going to bring it back to my apartment, and after you're done, we're going to come get you. You will not speak, and you will come into the apartment. We're going to play. But-da-da-da-da-up.

Put-da-up. And you will tell us everything that happened when you entered that room. We wait, you know, about an hour, hour and a half. Get back to my apartment I make sure You know there's You know Turntables and all that

My friend and I We take showers We get ready The phone rings We go get her Don't speak Don't speak Don't speak

And get her back Put it up Put it up Pop-bub And she goes I went to the door And he opened it up And he had on a blue robe

That looked Just like the Lone Ranger outfit And he wore these glasses That looked just like the mask I said what? He dressed just like the Lone Ranger except in casual wear.

So she comes into the room and he has food and everything and she said he had equipment. I said, equipment. He had and you know, we didn't know from vibrate We used our penises. You know, you want to vibrate we shake our dick

a little bit, you know what I mean? You know, put a fucking, you know, electric toothbrush up your ass. That was about the amount of whatever. So she goes, he was wonderful. And when he takes his robe off finally, he has pajamas that are the same color as the Lone Ranger, you know, outfit.

And he made love to her, and he vibrated her and did all of these things. And meanwhile, in the background, but-da-d-da-up! Silver! Yeah, that's a true story. Fascinating. How old is Clayton Moore at this point

when this is happening. He's not, the show was on in the 50s. Yeah, I guess he was in his late 60s or whatever, which then was old. Now, of course, 60s the new not dead yet. Wow. To get you to laugh like this,

I can't tell you what a thrill on is to get you to laugh. Okay. Wow. What an honor to hear the after story. Yeah, the after story. Never been told. Yeah. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing

colossal podcast after this. At Desjardin, our business is helping yours. We are here to support your business through every stage of growth, from your first pitch to your first acquisition. Whether it's improving cash flow or exploring investment banking solutions, with Desjardin business, it's all under one roof. So join the more than 400,000 Canadian entrepreneurs who already count on us, and contact Desjardin today.

We'd love to talk. business. No, we were talking. No commercials, right? No. Gilbert and I were talking. Who would the fuck sponsor this? We got one.

A rug company. Hi, Melvin's rugs. I'm Melvin. We got one offer. All right. You want to ask Jay about Darvaconger? Oh, my God, yes. How to matter?

Well, there's a new show on called Married at First Sight. Right, that's right. We just talked about it on the view, actually. Yeah, exactly. And it's really, and, you know, before it's over, they're running out of ideas. Let's watch retards, fuck. It's coming. It's coming. Anytime now. But, so they hire me, they call up and Buckwall's my agent,

and they go, Billy Crystal's turned him down, and this person's turned them down, and they're trying to get someone to host this show where they were a multi-millionaire guy is married to someone who's never met. I go, oh, my God, I'm, you know, I don't want to do that, you know. I'm working in New York.

I'm doing great, and I don't want to do that. So a week passes, they can't find anyone to do it. And the number goes up to like 100 grand for like two or three days. And I go, Jesus, and my agent says, let's take the money. No one will ever see this thing. So I go to Vegas. I bring my whole family. We rehearse, and there's all these women, and they're vying for this so-called

multimillionaire. The guy owes two millionaires. Rockwell. Yeah, he doesn't. And he's friends with Heidi Fleiss's brother, who's the producer. Can you get any sleazier than that? So they do this show, and it's happening. And it's live.

And this judge, after watching it for like two or three hours, who's going to perform the wedding, says, I want to leave. I don't want to do that. I go, you can't leave. You cannot leave. So now, all they're going to get down to eight or ten girls, and Darvaconger was just a bitch, right? being a bitch. No one has seen the multimillionaire, and he's hidden behind in a bubble,

like in a shroud. So at one of the breaks, I run behind the shroud, and I go, whatever you do, don't marry the blonde. And he looks up, he's shocked,

you know, no one, you know, there's security around him. He goes, oh, that's the one I liked. I go, don't, don't.

And I go back. And the producers get mad at me. And he goes, why not? I go, she is a bitch. So I go back. Well, uses Darvacan.

And he tongue kisses her. And she is in shock. Now, she was there playing the game with everybody. And he says to her, you know, Jay told me you were a bitch and not to marry. Oh, you know, don't help me. Don't help me. So they get married. She cries all the way to Hawaii.

He brings a buddy of his and another woman. They're all drinking and acting crazy. And Darvaconger is sorry. and she is married to this guy. And they go to Hawaii and it blew up in their faces. And then they said that he had, you know, threatened a girlfriend or something. Who knows it was been true? And the president of Fox said, we will never ever do a show like this again.

Well, he's no longer with us. And they canceled the show. And then, you know, it had a life afterward, right? And I went on every show there was to go on. And Darvick-Connor and I would appear. as a person she hated. And she started saying, well, I wasn't, didn't want to really do it. And I would go, why are you lying?

You did want to do it. So what? I live in Santa Barbara. She ends up as a nurse, an emergency room nurse in Santa Barbara. Had I ever been really injured and bleeding? Can you imagine they're taking me into the fucking thing? And there's Darvaconger, you know, turning the oxygen off or whatever. And, you know, I think she is still in.

her someplace. I think her sister's like a big realtor in Santa Barbara. But that was really the first reality show. That really was. And I remember. And that was canceled. So there you go. That was canceled. She kept saying she wanted her old life back and then she posed

for a plague. Oh, yes. Of course. Yeah. Yeah, it was weird. And there was such really, there was a girl from Washington who was a little bit overweight with braces. And I said to him, I said, marry her. She will be so happy. You know, a girl with braces with a couple of pounds on her.

You know, she'll be faithful, you know. That show would have run forever. Now, a buddy of mine comes over at like 7.30, quarter to eight. We're going to dinner. It's the night the show's going to run. We taped it like a week before. I really am not going to watch it, right? But some friends of mine had gone, and they stayed for the four-hour taping.

And I said, okay, you know, I couldn't believe it. So they edited it and all that. And my friends said, which show is it? I said, it's this crazy show where a multimillionaire just marries this woman. And he goes, well, let's watch it. So we like smoke a joint, you know, and we get some cocktails. And I turn on the TV. And after about 45 minutes, we cannot leave the apartment.

It's that riveting. He's turned to me going, oh, my, meanwhile, the show opens up with three million people. Second half hour, six million. Third or fourth hair five. It ends with over 20 million viewers. People are calling, you've got to watch this show. And I go, oh my God, this is it. This is, I did it.

You know, and they, within three days it was canceled. You know, O'Reilly wanted me on because this was the end of civilization, as we know it. Another end of civilization. Yes, another end, you know, by him. But, yeah, that went nowhere. But it was fun. It was fun. And, man, I got paid $100 grand for like two days.

I mean, that was like being in some big stand-up. No one would do the show. No one. No one was wild. I had a tuxedo. The New York Times had me in the front page, emceeing it, and they reviewed it and said it was all awful. And they said, but Jay Thomas somehow watched it with us,

almost away from it in bemused horror. Now, I've been acting a long time, and I don't even know how to play bemused horror. I don't even know. It was a compliment. It was. It was. And so that really kind of put me kind of in a, you know, yeah, I was bemused.

I was horribly bemused by it all. Yeah. I would have done it forever for years, you know, and been very rich. It's still infamous. It is. And you worked with Woody Allen. Yeah, Woody wrote a play called Writers Block. It was kind of like the one Purple Rose of Cairo where there's characters in it.

They're really characters in a play and then real people come in. And so the agent calls, she says, look, you know, she calls. She said, look, don't fool around with him. Don't do anything. Don't make jokes, you know. And his casting director forever, is it Jane, something of her other. She's been with him forever. Is it Julia Taylor?

Somebody around. I forget. So I go in the room and they give you two pages. And so, you know, I don't really know much about it. So Woody is there. and he's got his head down and his hands are over his face and he's got that hat on and Chevy Chase is waiting in the lobby. Chevy's there and every comic, every actor, everybody's reading for this part. And Chevy is shaking.

He's so nervous. It's really weird. Yeah. And it's, you know, I mean, I read for a lot of stuff. So it's okay. So I go in and I begin to read and apparently it's the wrong script. It's, you know, an old version or whatever. So I hear Woody say,

He's meaning a long script. And I go, you can talk up, I can hear you. So he looks up and keeps his hands like over his head. And so the woman says, Jay, they've given you an old script and we really want to give you, you know, something else to read. Would you like to leave the room and look at it and come back? I go, that's the oldest trick in the book. I'm not leaving the room, okay?

and they're going, oh, this guy's fucking around. And I go, and I go, look at me when I talked. And I get the thing, and I read. And I leave. And Chevy goes in after me. And I'm not two blocks away, and they gave me the part. I mean, I couldn't believe it. So start doing the play, and it's me and B.B. New Earth.

Paul Reiser was in it. cast of other actors, sadly, names I don't remember. And so, what he's the director, and everybody's all excited about it. And then the actors turned on him after about two weeks, you know. It's really weird, you know, theater actors are strange. They really kind of turned on him. It was an okay play. Everybody came to it.

Grant Shoud was in it. He had quit Murphy Brown to do free plays in Ireland or something. He would have diuretic shit and vomit. before every performance. And we're in a little room. And the bathroom is like, right there's in a comedy club. And we're all getting our makeup, and we're here before the show. And he would eat sushi.

He would eat sushi. So Woody would come in, you know, the director of a play is there all the time. Woody would come in, there's nobody to buffer him. He's there, right? He'd never directed a play. In a movie, he can buffer himself with the AD or whatever. And he would come in and he would come in. go, you know, I want to give you notes and all that.

And so Grant would hand him and say, would you like some sushi? And Woody would take a clipboard, put it over his mouth and go, he would say, Woody, do you want some? He'd go, want some. I'm sorry I'm in the same room with it. He would say shit like that. And I would fucking die laughing.

Woody Allen. And then soon ye, with the two kids, They were both, you know, Chinese adoptees. So I've got the scandal right in front of me, right? And I am just in my glory. And I've always said this. People go, oh, you know, he married his stepdaughter. I just watched their relationship for a while.

Whatever hell there is, she's it on earth. And, you know, she runs the whole thing. I mean, she is not like some shrinking violet that was, I don't know what, seduced by, you know, Woody Allen. But we had a great time. He was really fun and a great guy. And everybody came, you know, to the thing. Not one of us got a job out of it.

Not one of us. That's all we did. And he never put any of us in a movie. Why were people turning on them? It's weird, you know. We learned, everybody learned their lines or whatever. They thought that Woody wanted us to learn our lines too quickly. And you're supposed to learn your lines while you're doing the blocking or whatever.

And maybe he was saying, then he fired a woman who wasn't funny, and he brings in another really beautiful, better actress. And that was Gerowitz, whatever her name is. She wrote the book about being fired. Annabelle Gerwitz. She wrote the book about being fired. And that was from the Woody Allen thing. You know, and then B.B. Newark acted really weird.

It was playing my wife. And if she wasn't getting a laugh, she wouldn't do the line, you know, and stuff like that. It was, you know, it's theater people. And then they were bickering backstage. And then they all hated her. And I, she was playing my wife, so I was trying to be nice. Then one day I said something, her, she yells at me and all the other guests. You see?

I'm going, oh, you know, yeah, it's weird. I mean, even in the little play I'm doing, I can see if we're there for another few months, which we're only going to be there for a week or so. Yeah, theater actors are, imagine comics every night for a year, every night, the same four or five people doing the same thing every night. They need to make drama. They need to cause trouble. They thrive off it in some way.

Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, after a while, you're driving a bus. You know, you learn the lines, you learn the blocking. You know where the laughs are, where the crying is, whatever it is. And now you need to, you know, pick up the stakes a little bit. You know, my mother, my son, my boyfriend, my, you know, whatever. Yeah.

Backstage is wild. So. Still a pretty cool journey for a kid from a small town in Texas to wind up being in a Woody Allen. I didn't stay in that town but a year. were born there. Yeah, I was born there. Even New Orleans. Norlands is a big town.

It's a big town. So with Woody Sunyi was insane. Runs the show. He runs the whole deal. Well, you know, I mean, he was an old man at the day. He was like, well, I'd say he was 68. He's in his 70s now. Maybe he was 70, I don't know.

It was like 10 years ago. So it was almost 80. But Jesus Christ, he marries his stepdaughter, which is so weird and then defends it. I don't think he did anything. His funniest line was, He couldn't have done anything with the daughter because they did it in an attic. And, you know, he's claustrophobic.

And he says, I've never been in an attic in my life. Do you know that? Do you know that? He's never been in an attic. And it's true. He would, if somebody sneezed or whatever. So one day, you know, we were talking or something like that. And I said, well, you know, Woody, I'm from New Orleans.

So you got to keep your eye on me. Because, you know, sometimes I like to go, because he plays clarinet in New Orleans all the time. And he said, you know, I like, oh, and is he in New Orleans and all that? And I go, yeah, yeah, sure. So I said, you know, but, you know, you better keep your eye on because I could, you know, I could get drunk and just not show up. You know how people in New Orleans are, right? So one day I'm late. I'm can't catch a cab or whatever.

And I'm like late. And cell phone's not working or whatever. So they're waiting for me and waiting for me. And someone says, you know, we don't know where Jay is. And Woody says, he's probably laying. drunk in a gutter. You know? And he writes every morning

from 7 o'clock to like 2 in the afternoon and this old 19-40-type writer. Every single day. Now, what are your feelings about the whole rumor spread about him? I don't think he did anything with the daughter.

And I mean that about it. But, you know, if you look at the movies, if you look at Manhattan, You know, there was a, I think, you know, there are rumors that Scarlett Johansson fucked him, if you can imagine. I mean, this guy apparently says something or does something and women find him attractive, you know, and he's funny and all that. He's also a really good athlete. Did you know that? Yeah.

Diane Keaton came on the view and talked about how virile he was. There you go. And a terrific, like, baseball player and stuff. So, you know, it's like you. I mean, there's your wife sitting over there who's much lovelier than any human being. who looks like you should be with. So, you know, I was wondering if the first night you fucked, did Affleck give her some sort of, you know, coverage, you know,

in case she died of fright, you know. You look like a porn star from Auschwitz, you know, with your clothes off. But, really, so there is something to be said to the power of comedy. But, yeah, it was something to be around him. And, you know, I've been around, you know, a lot of famous people for a short amount of time. We talked about Dreyfus and stuff. You know, not as many as a lot of, you know, character actors and all, but I'm a storyteller. So I remember everything.

He was very complimentary. He wrote me two really wonderful notes after the fact. And all I can really say is that you can't imagine it, but who knows what, you know, demons drive people. I have no idea, you know, but it seems hard to imagine, but still he fucked his step dog. Now way around it.

At 17 years old. I mean, you know, or whatever it was. And she put a naked picture of herself up, and that's how Mia Farrow. Now Mia Farrow is supposed to be, you know, crazy also. So,

and they never lived together. They lived across the park with each other, you know. So, so, yeah. And, you know, you wanted to put you in one of their movies and all that.

He never, never, I don't, I mean, I think, B.B. He'd been in one already, but I don't know that he used anybody from the play.

Yeah, it was disappointing. I wish he'd put me in one of the movies. It would have been fun, you know. He'd go to cut a line sometimes. Not one of mine. He'd just go to cut a line. And, you know, I can't help myself. I would go, oh, don't cut that.

It's fucking hysterical. Well, I guess I can't when you say it like that. And he would put it back in. I mean, he really is a little kind of a nebish guy. Wouldn't he ask the actors, you have a better line, just pitch the line. Not really, but, you know, these, not many actors are any good. When they say, oh, they're doing a movie and the actors are going to add,

are going to improv or whatever, oh, please, actors are not good ad livers, you know. I mean, some comics are bad ad livers, you know. They have to have their written material. They saw something. They work it, you know. So the worst thing you can do is have an actor ad lib a line, you know. I mean, I kind of do it for a living, so I'm a lot. I will throw lines in a play, but if you don't use it, it's okay.

And now, and I've just given myself a great compliment, which is true. So I'm just kind of good at throwing stuff when I'm doing a part, even if it's a drama, you know. So I would add a few things, but nobody else said anything. Most actors don't say much, you know, about the lines. And it seems like working with Woody Allen is kind of like working with Neil Simon. Like, why would you, you know, it would be like sacrily. Yeah, and that's how they felt. And I would say things, and they would go, you know,

the other actors would be shocked by that. But what the fuck? It's a, it's a collaboration, you know. Maybe in a movie, you know, you find in some of Woody's movies, everyone acts like him. You know, they have this same. Especially when there's the fill-in characters like John Cusack and Bullets Over Broadway.

Yeah, they begin to act. Well, Bullets Over Broadway, he has, you know, Chas Paul and Terry. And, you know, the story about Chaz and Bronx's tale is that he, you know, Chaz can barely write his name. Really another guy who ended up being one of the writers

on The Sopranos really wrote and put it together. It is his story. And so when he hired Chaz, if you go back and look at this, there's plenty of guys that dislike Chas because he made a three-picture deal and left out, I forget the guy's name Joe Rizuli or whatever,

and then Chaz really couldn't write. You couldn't write anything. And then he hires Chas Palman Terry to play a guy who ends up writing a script for someone who really can't write. And, you know, it makes everybody wonder, did Woody ever hear that? See, I think Blue Jasmine is a streetcar named Desire. It's not made off. It's a street. And when you watch it, and if you see it, she's playing Blanche Dubois.

And it's weird. It's like, it's just so obvious to me, but, you know, who am I? So I think that Woody is a sponge, and I think Woody watches TV. I think he reads scandal things and all that. I think he read everything that was said about him in his privacy. Yeah, I do. Because it comes out, you know. And so I think he also showed himself with the young chicks in the movies, which, you know, so what?

That's cool. Chaplin did it. Yep, sure did. He had to move to England, but he did it. Did the fuck a young girl with bad teeth. Now, you also worked with Eli Wallach. Yes, we were on the steps. We're doing a show.

John Tuturo played Howard Cocell, and I played the president of the NFL. I played Pete Roselle. And Tuturo is called Monday Night Mayhem. And Eli Wallach is playing one of the bigs in the NFL, one of the owners that I have to deal with. And we're shooting, and it's snowing. at the Plaza Hotel, and it's getting late, and, you know, he's, I guess Eli died in his 90s, right?

I work with Eli two or three times. I did Max Pickford with him also. So, I'm standing on the steps. I'm excited I'm doing this movie, you know, Tutoro's a big deal. I'm there working. So I turned to Eli, and I say, so Eli, this Academy Award winner, you know, everything, I go, so it's wonderful to, to, you know, be with you in this movie. I go, do you work? No, I don't work much. I just kind of do shit like this. I do pieces of shit like you're in.

But, you know, he meant it, but it was a throwaway. And I'm on the steps going, yeah, I hope you get fucking pneumonia die. 90-year-old fucking relic, you know. Hung on to 98? Yeah, 98 years old. So, all right, my kids, I think, are waiting downstairs. So.

us of what the play is again, Jay? Yeah, my son is a songwriter who wrote five number one records in the last few years, a Chesney, Jake Owen, he wrote, writes for Keith Urban, and he wrote a song for a guy named Uncle Cracker with other guys, too, called Smile, which was like kind of the happy of its time. And a buddy of he has from high school became a guy named Peters Inn, became a producer and a writer, and he took all of his music plus a bunch of new ones, and they wrote a... Southern Iraq Army meth addict

musical. And it's playing at these festival on 42nd Street. It's called Somewhere With You, it's a musical festival. And it's the lead of the festival. And they hired me to play three small parts. I play the dad of the lead.

I play a guy that works, owns a club, and I play an Iraqi insurgent at the end of the play. And it's a, It starts as a comedy and becomes a drama. And I believe it's either going to go to a big Broadway house or off Broadway house or go to Broadway. I mean, think about it. It's a country musical with hit songs in it.

You know, you do a play. You don't know what it's going to be. It's really good. And if you guys are in New York, but it's called Somewhere With You and I think it'll go on. Somewhere with you. And again, what theater? Right now it's at the Alice Griffin Jewelbox on. It's a little 200-seat theater.

But it's fun. Yeah. So that's it. then I'm due Ray Donovan. I have another couple of episodes. I play. Ray Donovan was I play. Yeah, I play Marty Goldman or whatever, but I'm really playing the guy from TMZ. Oh, Harvey Levin.

Yeah, I'm playing Harvey. I'm gay, and I have, you know, gay boyfriends. And Donovan runs over him every week, runs another one of my boyfriends over and threatens me. I'm always, you know, getting crap on his clients, you know. So that's cool. It's cool. Good. I play a good, gay asshole.

And if they said for 10 grand, suck a dick, I would do it. Ten grand's still the number? It's the number. Well, it used to not be. Now it's back to that number again. All right, I got to go. This was great. Okay.

Thanks, Jay. To make Gilbert Godfrey laugh is like unbelievable. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my sidekick, Frank Santo Padre, and a man who's a success in radio, movies, TV. Stand up. Game shows, reality shows. That you'll have to still tell people who, who is he again?

Jay Thomas, who's taking a few shows off the air, too. Yes.