Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Rewind: Episode #32: Tom Leopold

Episode Date: April 23, 2026

Veteran comedy writer Tom Leopold started out as an actor, working with James Mason, Robert Preston and Ted Knight before creating comedy material for legends Steve Allen, Bob Hope and Mary Tyler Moore and writing hit series like “Cheers” and “Seinfeld” (scripting the memorable “Babu” episode, among others). Tom sat down with Gilbert and Frank to talk about early acting roles on “Gunsmoke” and “Mannix,” his days on the “National Lampoon Radio Hour” with Christopher Guest and Bill Murray and his years-long friendships with pals Paul Shaffer, Richard Belzer and Harry Shearer. Also: George Chakiris vs. George Maharis, Chevy Chase hitches a ride with Paul Lynde and 80-year-old George Jessel phones his mom. PLUS: Stubby Kaye! Gert “Goldfinger” Frobe! Donald O’Connor’s coat! Tom brunches with Jerry Lewis! And the triumphant return of Perfecto Telles! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And today we're at Nutmeg Post as guest of our friend Frank V. Now, Christopher Gess said of our guest today that when it comes to comedy, he has an extra gene. He's written for shows like Will and Grace, Cheers and Seinfeld, written three novels, and worked with people like Steve Allen, Jonathan Winters, Bob Hope, Martin Short, Harry Shearer, Mary Tyler Moore, and Martin Moll. Please welcome our pal and the man with the world's funniest. Donald O'Connor story, Tom Leopold. He left out Gert Frobe. That's always a problem

Consciously left out Now I've been told that First of all, may I say Next to my children being born This is one of the greatest nights ever And I appreciate you guys having Sure, Tom Your children were born?

I'm sure they were born What do you suggest him? I thought they were Did they have shoulder rolled out of a car? Yeah So they were born Of course, the old-fashioned way Oh.

Yeah. How was that? I don't know. I was busy that day. So our next guest, children were born. You got another guest? No. Oh, that's me.

Okay. All right. Our first guest children were born. Have you said my name? I know you said all those. Yeah, Tom Leopold. This was at the end of the intro. Oh, okay.

We leave it out because no one knows who the fuck you are. Would you say that I'm the least known guest you've had? I, you're certainly up there. Not even close, Tom. I barely have heard of myself. You know, I'm not, I'm the comedy writer's comedy writer, which means often imitated, seldom paid. But go ahead. Yes.

So what do you do for a living? Well, I'm a comedy writer, Gilbert. And I've worked with you. And, gee, I've had the privilege of working with so many of my heroes, none of whom come to mind. fortunately Kurt Frobe Now Gert Frobe you're handsome

John Lagui Zayamo you're a talented man Can you use I like people's names like that Where you can just John Louise Gazamo That hurts Are we all subject?

Yes Can I just can I open with a question? No Can I? Can I guess so far? Sure. Sure are. Go for it.

Is it poo poohed? What? Okay No, that I'll get to later. I think you got to it now actually. Thank you. Just drifting over.

Anyway, quick question for you guys, Frank, Frankie and guilt. If you could only take one of these two people to a desert island, which one would you take? George Chakiris, George Maharas. That's a tough one. Wow, that is a tough one. You know what? Think about it. We'll come back. Hey, this is a test, I'm sure you know.

Who was George Mahars? Whose dick was George Mahars sucking? that gas station bathroom. I'm getting on an age and when I and I forgets a bit. I forgets a bit. That drinks a bit. Anyway,

if all else goes, I still know I'm going to be okay if I can still remember the name Perfecto Tellas. Nicely done. Excellent. Okay. Excellent. Thank you. Perfectotellus was who George Maharas was blowing. Was standing in the

shopping bag or in the tea room. or what we'd like to call a men's room. It's called a tea room. Yeah, because they stand in when they're in a stall, one of them stands in a bag so they won't know another person's in there. I'm going to sit back down there. Yes.

I couldn't hear, I want to bring, I couldn't hear myself. Yes, that's right. So for the folks at home, don't try this at home, because you don't need to try it at home. Because you're home. You don't have a men's room stall at home. You don't have a gas station. Men's room in your house. Well, you're rich enough.

You could have one. I had one put in. Yeah. A dirty, filthy Sonoco gas station, Memphis. No, Perfecto Telles was a celebrity hairdresser? Yes. Or was he just a hairdresser? Because I think I had the information. I gave Bob Saggat, bad info. It was a celebrity sodomizer. But not like Monty Rock. He wasn't a celebrity. It wasn't a hairdresser to the stars. No, no, no. Oh, I gave Bob bad information.

Any chance of that was blown when he. blue. So to speak. Can I? Yeah. So cute George Dekiris story. You're probably sick of those. Yes. Every guest has a George Securis. Could you tell us a Ross Tamplin one instead? I wish. You know, Tamlin, Tam, Tam,

which is like when people said, I never forget. I was four years, this is how hip I was, you know, in no other way case when I was a kid. I would watch the 4 o'clock movie. You going somewhere for you? No, just what? What did you? Can you like a lunch?

You go ahead. Makes me feel good. Confident. Can you hurry this? Yeah, please. You're catching the bus? Yeah. 430 movie.

All right. 430 movie, Miami when I grew up, Bob Clayton hosted it. Who played the head bellman behind the desk in Jerry Lewis's The Bellboy? Oh, wow. In Miami, my hometown. I actually drove by there with my parents. My parents drove me by to see the cameras. Do you know what I remember about the bellboy?

It seems like he probably just got a lot of comics who were working Florida at the time. Nottingboro. But they had this one unknown guy, or maybe you know his name, and his whole big bit was pretending to be eating an apple. Jerry Lewis runs into him and stuff. He saw a bellow. No, no, I don't know. I don't know. And he just puts his hand like he's miming holding an apple.

And he goes, That's a good apple. That was his schick pretending to eat an apple? Yes, yes. Okay. It was, that was one point. And as a kid, I was thinking. Oh, I loved it as a kid.

Yeah. Well, as a kid, I was watching it going, hmm, maybe when I'm older, I'll understand what's funny about this. And how did that turn out for you? No, it's still amazing. Well, you're still got a couple of years. You were starting to tell us a George Shakira story before you went to the bellboy. Well, this is to get us. I heard George Shakirish once went to the bellboys.

I'm sure he saw the bellboy. Now, this is only, this story is kind of the bridge to get us to the Shakira's story. Okay. Sorry. Go ahead. We got the time. I was, this is how I knew I wanted to be in show business. because even at the age of seven, I'm watching the afternoon movie.

And in those days, you know, the guy hosting the movie who was the head bellman in the Bellboy, which is Bob Clayton, who was a local TV personality, but Jerry hired him to be his boss in the Bellboy. And so I'm watching it. And he's talking about this terrible B movie that they're having on. And they would have birthday people come up during the afternoon movie, went on for six hours or something. And they bring somebody up to open a like a treasure chivalry. chest and they bring on a birthday cake. And he says, now this scene coming up now, Gwen so-and-so and William Lundigan, and you know

Lundy would always, and so he's name-dropping. I'm seven. And I know when he says, and you know Lundy had a habit of, and I'm going, what does this guy know from Lundy? I'm seven years old. This guy's a local TV, Miami guy. You know, Lundy had a way that, I'm going, well, how does he know Bill Lundig again? How, now, I even forgot how the bridge...

That's a hip kid. Yeah, pretty hip kid. Yeah. And I'm wondering how that gets us to Chiaris. There was another guy in the bell boy. Who ate a peach. Who is describing, like, either astrological gods or mytholo, you know, whatever. And he goes, well, she's a dingling chick who swings with the...

Yeah, I remember that. And that's another thing. That's another little Chotsky. I had no idea what the hell. How about how weird it was that he's the bellboy in the hotel, then Jerry Lewis comes in the hotel. Oh, yes. Yes. What's going on?

I had asthma and I was on medication. And I thought, is this the medication? You know what I mean? I was so, I had so much cortisone and adrenaline pumped into my body. I have a very bad asthma. Things like that. Like if ever on that 4 o'clock. movie, a Busby Berkeley movie would come on with like a hundred girls spreading their legs upside down, circling the moon with people dancing out of them.

And it's like, I couldn't watch that stuff. It was too freaky. Busby Berkeley, who was the great choreographer of old Hollywood, once killed someone driving a car. That's right. And I heard on the trial a guy testified for Busby Berkeley saying he was an eye. He said the guy had it coming? No, I don't know. He was like an eyewitness or a doctor or some.

And it turned out to be later on they found out he was a guy that worked for the studio. Interesting. Pretending to be an eyewitness. And that's when you kind of, your heart broke? And then Busby Berkeley was later caught in a men's room. Really? Sucking perfecto tell us. Perfecto running over another guy.

Perfecto got over. What does you tell the Maharas? He must have been some good looking guy. He got me going from Maharas to Shakiris. Why don't you tell us about interacting with George Shakira a couple years ago? Did you write a book? From here to Shakiris? Yes, go.

I wrote a book like, Hi, Shakiris. Aye, Shakira. It's like one of those movies that's dubbed him wrong. Yeah. Aye, Shakir. Didn't you reach out to George a couple of years ago? And, uh... Oh, absolutely.

Well, it's a long story. It's not very good The other one was a long story He's just trying to get to one story It's fine This will make that story look great That's how great this story It doesn't have anything to do

With the bellboy I don't know Let's see Let's give it its head My My pal Our pal Paul Schaefer and I

Yes We see this ring here Not you folks at home but we wanted to get friendship rings like Sam Momo G. and Kana and Frank Sinatra had. Okay. Sam Momo G. and Kana, the head of the Chicago mob, gave Frank, his pal, a ring that Frank wore and had a sapphire in the corner. And his ring, this is true, you know, because we all are into this stuff so heavily. And Frank's ring said to Frank love Momo, which was Sam, it was kind of his nickname, Mo Mo Mo Mo.

And Momo's ring said love Momo from Frank. So we decided we wanted to get rings kind of like that. So we're thinking. So I happen to like to look up stuff about George Maharas. You know, I don't hunt. I don't fish. Right. That's my sense.

It's a much safer hobby. Well, I don't know about that. I'd rather be shot, actually. So I happen to be looking at. up George Maharas, and by, you know, I don't believe in all that supernatural hoodoo. But George Shakira's came up by mistake, if you believe in coincidence. Yes. Interesting.

Yeah. So you Google George Shakiris, but you Google George Mahars, but you got George Shakiris. I got George Shakiris. Okay. The stars were aligned. Thank God you didn't get perfect hotel. I'm trying to get perfect hotel. I'd love to know what happened to him.

By the way, the bag is at the... The Sunoco Gasoline Museum. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Perfecto, get in the bag. But don't squash the grapes. I'm having that, probe alone later. And anyway, so George Shakir is...

Paul says, well, we'll get a jeweler to make us our rings, you know? And I said, I don't know. They kind of forgot. And then I get George Shakir's and said, George, and among his other things, Academy Award winner and Unemployable actor, he's very nice guy his story is amazing and jewelry

he makes jewelry so I call Paul up right away I go wouldn't it be amazing to get our rings made by George Jacaris and Paul says George Maharis I said no no

good mistake though you know what I mean logical mistake George Chakaris so I would love but you see I would love to have George Mahers

make the ring because I love Route 66. And I've got about an hour story about Marty Milner that I'm going to save for later. Very good. Hey, can I say, can I just bring in my favorite actor? Yes. Loncini Jr. did two episodes of Word 66.

Yes. Yeah. Which you've brought up on two different episodes now. Yes. But it's worth mentioning again. You can't bring that up enough. What was it, Owl's Wing? Owls' Wing and then Lizards Town.

Well, and the other one, I forget the title, but he plays like this hillbilly father of George Mahars. That's right. You know, because Buzz, George's character, excuse me, was an orphan. And they driving through, all of a sudden they're driving through Alabama, and all these hillbillies come on, they all look like George Mahars. And perfecto tell us. Weird. That's strange. It's strange.

It's kind of a forecast. And, oh, so, go ahead. No. No, also in that episode is the actress Betty Field. Oh, yeah. Who worked with Cheney and of my son-in. Oh, that's right. Was that just a wonderful, a beautiful accident?

Or is? I'll do it, but you also have to hire Betty Field. I'll do it. She won't read. That's your Cheney, Jr.? I don't know. He sounded like an old Jew. You got that.

I'll do it. You sound like Jack Guilford. I'll do it. But I get to take the synthapies home, and Betty Field has to... So you're getting the friendship. You want to get the friendship rings. So basically... Thank you, Frank.

Lon Cheney sounded like Charlie Callas. He said, I want to talk to... I want to talk. I want to talk. So we want to get... So I call Paul up. I'm very excited. George Chiris makes jewelry.

You know. He didn't seem as excited as I hope. So he says, I said, he'll make them, imagine me, not only can we say we have rings like Frank and Momo, but it's made by George Jacaris. Can anything be more, you know, unimportant? Except for like eight guys and laugh at this. So he says, all right, well, call him. I'm not going to call him. You're the celebrity.

You have to actually call George Jacaris. So he has his guy at the Letterman show. call George Shakiris's guy. You don't think Shakiris will hear this, do you? No. You don't think anyone will hear it. I don't think anyone in America will hear this. So Paul calls me up and just, look, come over to my house after the show.

Shakiris is calling us. So I'm so excited. Wow. He's going to call. And I'm nervous. But Paul, you know, Paul's used to this kind of celebrity. Yeah, it's, you know, set set stuff, you know. So by this point, we want him to make jewelry.

and now we have to like make, you know, now we're already getting sucked into this thing. He says, well, he says, well, you know, I don't really make ring. He has, he talks like this, don't really make rings. He has. You know how he talks. He has, like, I'm Cheney Jr. A waspy, a L'I'm Cheney Jr. So he says, I just make these medallions.

So now what are we going to do, not buy the medallion? So we say, yeah, oh, really, you're not going to make, no, I can't make rings. I said, okay, we'll take the medallions. And they look like they look like Ming from like FlashGour. Ming the Marshalus. A huge, like two ounce triangle with Eros. More like an amulet than a medallion. More like an ambulance.

Yeah. And one was Eros. You know, very kind of homoerotic, let's say, but very heavy so that when you leaned over and the thing swung back into your chest, it could just take you right now. You know? So we get these things. And then I have to tell my wife, I say, well, he doesn't make rings, but we bought some, you know, what do you call it? Medallion.

Medallion. She said, okay. And I said, it's going to be $500. Go, what? What? That's going to be $500. What? $500.

I have to pay George Shakira's $500. Oh, geez. For that a medallion. We never have worn since. But anyway, but then I say to him, George, will you send also a letter? Because now I'm thinking, I'll get the letter and I'll hang the medallion in a frame. Right, sure. And my kids can sell it for, like, you know, kindling.

They can sell it for kindling money. It's a conversation piece. It's an Oscar winner. Yes. So, anyway, we don't have these, we got the rings made, and we had the made half California you see there. That's supposed to be California. These are horrible rings. Yeah, terrible.

And we little sapphire. And mine says, too, Paul, from Tom and his. But the thing is, the great part of it is, now George Chakiris is kind of of our pal now. And he's, we get a call from George Jacaris. Tom, first of all, thank you so much for remembering and you're so kind to buy the medallions. And Paul was always pissed because my medallion had 28 grams of silver, 28.1 grams, and he just had 28 grams. George, George Sykiris was a wonderful guy. He got the Academy Award. But he was no George Maharas. Let's say it's. And so in the middle of the thing, Paul is just like, you know, he can be kind of a different. There's no George Grisard for that matter. No.

George. By the way, George Mahars does paintings. George Chakiris does. Jewelry. George Gazzard does insurance. Really? No, I don't know what you. But, so Paul says to George Meherer, George Chakiris, excuse me. Huh? Was George Grisard in that Twilight Zone? He was. He was. episode with Lonchamie the 3rd. No, he creates an artificial robot version of himself. Yes. He was in a couple of them. He was in a couple of them. Oh, he was also in one that had to do with the love potion.

Yes. Where he was suddenly, girls couldn't keep their hands off him. Yes. George Grisard. He was gay. Look at all folks. Yeah. And I think he once blew Perfect Hotelis. He was in a separate gas station. Well, perfect to live. With Pimo Carnara. Really?

Primo Cronera. No kidding. So I'm looking at Pimo Carnera on the web. And I see George Grizard. Hey. Sorry. Tom. Tom.

Yeah. I know nobody knows what I am. You don't even know why. Now, George Secaris, Academy Award. Yes. He was like this incredible. He was an incredibly handsome guy, great dancer. I mean, extremely talented, extremely handsome.

What happened after West Side Story? Well, you know, he went to Europe and did a lot of movies over there, and he was on, he was a very good singer, and he was on with, who's that Greek? Melina McCurry. Melina McCurry. No, not her. Okay. Who's the one who wears the classes? Callis Savalish.

Maria Callis. Neen. Nenisgura. Yes, that's her. Yes, I know you mean. Minamaskura. Much younger. Which I wear just to bring out my eyes.

Sure. You know, and I'm straight. It's attractive. Now, you said that Chevy Chase once got lost somewhere. You were telling us a story. His car broke down in the Hollywood Hills. Chevy told me this story. Chevy Chase?

And he said, you know, he's had so much money at that point. This is early in the big stardom. He just left the car. He starts walking down the street. And the car pulls up. It's Paul Lynn. Chevy Chase. get in his car

I used to do a pretty good I used to I hadn't memorized the Paul Lynn comedy album when I was a kid Really? Oh geez, but you're not gay. I had an old dog named Blue I could hit him and he wouldn't care Oh he's kept him chain in the chair

You know that's that was his act Anyway So Paul Lynn Gives Chevy a ride up to his house Now nothing untoward happened But can imagine if he God forbid because he was a drink. He liked his drink.

He's liked his martinis, Mr. Lynde, right? What if they had gone off the cliff? And the rumors would have, they must have been gay lovers or something, Chevy and Paul. You know, something, God forbid, happened then? And Paul Lynn was, I've heard it a few times that Paul Lynn was the most viciously anti-Semitic person you would ever meet. I thought you're going to say, huge pussy hound. Yeah, that goes to that same. This whole gay thing.

And it's just at front. I heard backstage at Hollywood Squares when the other people would be... Loving Jews. Yeah. Yeah. They'd be loving Jews and telling stories and laughing and having a nice time. Paul Lynn would be bombed out of his skull. And he'd go, oh, those fucking Jews, they're the reason I don't have a career.

Yeah. Why would they be the reason he doesn't have a career? It's very strange. Now, Gilbert has no... Did he ever go into more detail? Yeah. Gilbert has no interest in this whatsoever, Tom. But tell us that you started, before you were comedy writer, you started out as an actor.

I have no interest in this. I have no interest in. You did mannics. You did. Gun smoke. Gun smoke. You sent a gun smoke episode. Oh, when Marshall Counselor Law did that were Wayne Newton.

Oh. Wow. All of a sudden we're on the set. I'm on trial. I'm testifying against Wayne Newton, who's supposed to be my high school, my college professor. Imagine having a college professor. Imagine having a college professor has his hair like that and the turquoise belt. A hair helmet.

And it's like one whole piece. It's like a body spank. The pants and the shirt attached. Like a jumpsuit. Yeah. And the doors open on the sound stage. And I don't know what's going on. And this white rolls Royce pulls into the set. And he gets out. He doesn't even park in the street. He parks in the set. Incredible. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. It's the Family and Friends event at Shoppers Drugmark. Get 20% off almost all regular-priced merchandise. Two days only. Tuesday, April 28th and Wednesday, April 29th. Open your PC optimum app to get your coupon.

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Free of charge. BetMGEMGEM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Some say the bubbles in an arrow-truffle piece can take 34 seconds to melt in your mouth. Sometimes the very amount you're stuck at the same red light Rich, creamy, chocolatey arrow truffle Feel the arrow bubbles melt. It's mind bubbling. And you were, and you tell us about,

we talked about this last time, tell us about, last time the one that no one heard? Yes. The pilot. Tell us, the pilot. Tell us about doing a TV movie with Robert Culp called Outrage. Well, I played a... You were a young actor.

I was about 22. You were like a thug. I was always a thug. In Manix, I played the leader of the street gang named the nomads. Me. Jewish kid from Miami. I weighed 128 pounds. I'm from Miami.

I mean, I could kick your ass. That's how pathetic. You could kick my ass. That's what a pussy eye. They couldn't get Christopher Tobori. So they called you. They wouldn't make his number. I see.

He was always getting the parts that we all wanted to get Christopher. What happened to him? He was in a lot of that Quinn Martin's And I would have thought you'd have Christobori on before me. He was even more famous than I am. Anyway, but Robert Culp, yeah, I was there with Nicholas Hammond. He was in my gang. It was sound of music.

Sound of music. And I would just, the plot was I was just a spoiled rich kid who ran over his dog for no reason at all, just for kicks. He's a veterinarian, right? Like Johnny Cash. I shot a man just to see him die. I ran over a dog. Not quite as, not quite as macho. But anyway, and it was just, you know, it was a great job.

But I don't remember. What was my story? He was kind of an angry guy. Oh, yeah, a little bit angry. I think he liked his martinis, too, because he was a little bit, come the end of the day, he was. Robert Cope. Yeah. And we used to just, we were so perver.

We just would shake his trailer and say, what are you? Nothing, Mr. Culp. No, it's not a great story. And you also. It's no charge to Kiras. Now, so. was did he have an attitude problem or just a I just think you know everybody went on

Steve McQueen went on to the movies after Bob and Ted Carol Alice and oh yeah that you know and maybe he was a little that was a big hit that I have as big a part as him nobody you're working with a chimp I'd be drunk too he's working with a he must work with a chip he might as well get his head his brain transplanted to a chimp

And you were in a movie that had nothing to do with Chuckie the possessed all. No. But you were in a movie called Childs Play. What was it? Childs Play. It's better. It's more like it. I was in.

Now that, it might be interesting to your listener. Yeah. I don't think so. So far, nothing else has. Hey, you know, what am I going to do to be less in demand? That couldn't possibly happen. I go to read for Sydney Lament. I was 21 years old.

And I get the part in the movie in New York. And two nice scenes in the movie called Child's Play. Not the one with the Chuckie the Cheese or whatever it is. Chuckie the Robot. What was it? This took a doll. A murderous doll. Yeah, this takes place in like a Catholic school.

It took place in a boys Catholic school. Right. And we shot it in Terry Town. And so I get the job and I say to Mr. Lament. And I say, you know, I'm 21 years old. And I'm just out of high school, like three years, you know. And I said, and I had one scene with one lead actor, a really nice scene, and another nice scene with the other lead actor.

And I say, well, who's playing these parts? Who's the stars? He goes, oh, well, James Mason's playing that one. So I have a scene with James Mason. And I said, but the other one, he goes, oh, Marlon's doing that one. So I'm supposed to work on Monday. I'm working with Marlon Brando on Monday. And James Mason.

James Mason, who cares? You know, but it's not a It's not a bum. It's not a bum, but yeah. I didn't like do, you know, seeing some James Mason movies as a kid. I did the waterfront scene, but then in the cab, you know.

So all weekend, I'm working with Barland Brando on Monday morning, first scene. It's like, it could be a nice little one-act play, you know? I mean, I was kind of thinking, who am I going to drop from my friends? You know, who would be the first one I step behind? You know what I mean?

Where are the little people? Which little people? No longer worthy of hanging around with them because you're working with Brando. I'm already too good for everybody I know, you know. So I get to the set. They take us up to Terrytown in a convent. And there's all these nuns going around. And now they have like men's room taped over the ladies.

Because there's no men's rooms in a lady's convent. Well, you know that. And I get there and I go, you know, and I'm like, it's hard to eat all weekend. I'm ill. I'm just so nervous and crazed. And I said, where's Mr. Brando's? Oh, Marlon quit the picture on Saturday. I go, oh, geez.

Who'd they get? Robert Preston. They got Robert Preston. The music man. And I'm more excited now than I was for Marlon Brando because I knew everything from the music man. And he was wonderful. So I do the scene with him.

First scene, and at the end of the scene, I do my little scene, turns out okay. He turns to the crew and he goes, hey everybody you know that great voice you have Tommy lost is cherry hey everybody

Tommy lost his cherry and I'm sitting there like high as it's so sweet Robert Preston and I'm sitting there kind of waiting to do the next scene next day

and David Merrick the big Broadway Empresario comes up and I'm actually reading the Great Gatsby I don't know it's like the last book I read 1972

too. And I hear somebody say, what do you think of that book? I go, that's all right. I look up at David Merrick sits down next to me. And a little later, he made it into the picture with Robert Redford. He was the producer. Sure. And I said, but that was all in the future. And he said, what do you think of the thing? I don't know. Yeah, it's not that great. I almost could have stopped that forgettable movie from ever being made. Yeah, it's not a very good one. And then Shakira's come. No. Okay. That was it. Now, James Mason once blew you in a men's room of a gas station.

Yes. I'm just able to talk about it now. Yes. He put something in my drink. His balls. I think he put his balls in my drink. Now that I think of it. I'm going to tip my balls in your drink.

He's your drink. Always Jack Kennedy all this. It's a little gag me there. I'm going to put my bowl. He in your drink. You once blew James Cagney, I heard. I once blew James Cagney and Edgar Buchanan. Really?

I was the bloominium. I was the bologna in a Cagney Buchanan sandwich. Pat O'Brien, punched you in the ass one. He called my animal on a bus. Really? Yeah. I don't think so. I don't think so.

You licked. You wait out. I licked stubby case taint. What, there's something wrong with that? Huh? I never forget. Stubby's taint. What's...

Oh, wow. It's not at all like you picture it. It wasn't at all the Tink you picture when he's picture. When you picture Stubby K's taint. You know what I mean? It was... I have some preconceived notions about it. And this is before people like Stubby K bleach their taint.

Did you ever eat out? Yes. Frank McHugh's asshole. I... Frank McHugh's story. Frank McHugh loved that. cram ice cream in his sink

maple walnut if you really want to it's a little specific it's good for details you want to be detailed in radio Frank McHugh it paints a nicer picture

that way why does you got to paint a picture in radio so it's for TV we can show a picture of his wrinkly hairy sack so you do the movie child's play

and you all I love how Frank can get it right out of sucking ice cream out of Frank McHugh's ass, back on track. Somebody has to keep it going. Yeah. And you tell us about some of the auditions you did. You audition for the part of Fonzie. I almost was Fonzie.

And tell us about that. And when you think of that, if that had happened, I wouldn't have to be here right now. No, that's not true. Can you do your Fonzie audition for us, please? We interviewed Henry, so that's not necessarily true. Did Henry tell you? He did. And we interviewed me?

Mickey Dolans. And Mickey Dolans, too. I once, you know, felched Mickey Dolans. The what? I don't know. Tell us about the Fonsie audition. Was it memorable?

Did you see Dolans or Winkler? Dolans was there? No, he wasn't there when I was. I didn't know he was up for it. Yes. Well, it was after the monkeys. He was supposedly Gary Marshall's choice for the part because the Fonzie was supposed

to be a big strapping guy. He was also up for Sophie's choice. I didn't know that. Personal. That would have been a whole other. Other way to go. For stingo. No, for Sophie.

By the way, I have a third choice Sophie could have made. But there's no time for that. Well, I knew Henry from New York. We had both been fired from separate plays in this one theater that had two theaters in it. I was in one play. Henry was in the other. And we both got fired on the same day from the same theater, from different plays. What are the odds?

So we were both up for this thing. And again, with my foreknowledge and my expertise, I thought, this is shit. too. Yeah. I had the nerve at 21 to say the Great Gatsby wasn't that good. And Gilbert's interested in this. You played Ted Knight's son. I did.

And the Ted Knight Show. I did six episodes. Yes. Now, was this the one where he's like a cartoonist? No, no. Oh, that was the hit one. That was too close for comfort. This was one that was so horrible.

I played his son, Winston. Now, this is at the very beginning. AIDS had not yet reared its cancerous. Ted. And he plays, first of all, before you go any further, Ted Knight

had a very small part in the Twilight Zone. And he was in Psycho. And Invasion of the Body Snatchers. That's right. Oh, wow. I forgot about that. I would have talked about that.

Yes. Call him now. But you're with a son. Son and lock. It's going to be a long distance call on my first. Ted? Oh, he was very. Very nice guy.

And so I get this show. And talk about already not in any kind of reality at all. Ted Knight is the, runs a escort service for straight men. And he had all these women on. One of them, no, it wasn't Maritz, Maritz, but there's all these women. And he runs an escort service, like an up and up. Oh, no, sexuality.

You know, so it's like crazy. And I'm the teenage boy who just wants to make all these girls, right? And they did six episodes of it, and that was, and then I, if you've seen them, you know why I went into writing almost immediately after that. God, that sounds horrible. Oh, God, it's horrible. Which brings me to the question, how did you make the transition into writing from acting? Well, I had started writing while I was writing while I was acting. I started writing at the Lampoon, National Lampoon at 21, me and Chris Guest, started writing articles and then the radio hour, National Lampoon, right?

So I'd be off doing some play in Boston or Theorina Theater or. the Long War Theater and I'd be sending in this stuff and I was so much more talented backstage being funny you know and I thought to myself in those days I thought what I'm going to be

Uncle Bill on the Walton's 150 what am I going to do where am I going with this I was all right sometimes I was good sometimes I was too nervous and be good

and you're right you know but I mean this is what I'm going to and I'm so funny backstage and I thought you know and it just sort of evolved really and then

gosh, Chris and I did a pilot called Flakes We played two old Jewish women on a tandem walker And all this stuff And then And then really the thing that really You know, I was doing a whole bunch of stuff But the thing that really was a big break

Was Chevy Hiramie to write his special The year he left Saturday Night Live And that was a big deal The Chevy Chase special Is that what it was called? Very good Yeah, well, you've done your homework A lot of research

You've done your homework, my friend What was that like? Well, it was great But how I got the job, well, I knew Chevy from the National Ampoon Radio Hour. You know, when we were up there, Bill Murray and Belushi and Brian Murray and so I knew Chevy from Lennings. Belzer was around then, too, wasn't he? Yeah. I didn't really, I really didn't get to know Belzer until later.

And Chris Guest introduced me to him, actually. We've been good friends ever since. So Chevy was gigantic then, you know, Saturday Night. He leaves. He's the biggest star in the country. And he called me up. Well, one day we're at a party at a party at a, It sounds a name-dropping, but I don't know anybody outside of...

You've already dropped Randos name. I already dropped Shakiris. Perfecto. Yeah. And so I met a loft party after Saturday 11, and Dan Aykweds loft. And Chevy Chase comes up to me, and he knew Chris Guest very well. They roomed together out in L.A. And he sits down next to me, Chibb, and he goes, I hear you're the funniest guy.

And I just went, yeah. And we thought that was so funny that I just said, yeah, without trying to. to be funny at all. And then a few weeks later, he leaves Saturday and live, and I get a call from him, and he says, look, Steve, I want you to write my first special from NBC, but I only want you to do it if you can tell me that you actually said what I, when I'm about to tell you that I heard you said. I said, well, what? Because Chris Guest sisters are really good a friend of my, we've been friends since we were teenagers, and I was doing this play in Boston, Moonschildren. And she said, Tommy, can I come see your playing? Oh, yeah. Can I stay with you? I said, sure. Can I, I'll stay three or four days. Stay free.

And he thought that was so. He said, did you say that? I go, yeah. He says, okay, I want you to write my special. And that's how I wrote you. And that was your first television gig. No, no, I'd done stuff before, but that was a big break. Yeah.

Now, Chevy is one of the, I've worked with him, and I've run into him a few times. And he's one of those people. I can use that classic line of, well, he was always nice to me. Right. Now, because he's got... He has that rap, but he's always been great to me. Yeah. Now, you worked on his roast.

I worked on his roast. I worked on a few specials after that, after the pilot. And I was in the first Lampoon vacation movie. They redid the... I had this really funny part where I was... Remember Eddie Bracken was Wally? Sure, sure. Well, the original ending was Chevy and his family were going to,

They just drive up to his mansion and want something from Wally. And so I was Wally World's Wally assistant, and Chevy holds a gun on me, makes me tap dance. And I did like a whole tap dance. And then the movie comes out and they go to Wally World instead. They cut the whole end of the movie. Oh, stupid. They put John Candy in it. It was a better ending.

Right, right, right. What was the question? Did you work with Bracken? I took Eddie Bracken to dinner at Musos. That's great. After the shoot that day, he was great. He was great. There's a guy that probably had stories working with Sturgis.

Interesting Sack. That's a lot of detail. When you picture Eddie back in Sack, what do you picture? Quick, quick, quick, don't think. Don't think. All right, sorry, go ahead, Frank. And Steve Allen. Oh, I love Steve Allen.

Tell us about working with Steve. That, no, he was my idol when I growing up. I thought, God, how do you get that fast? You know, when we're kids watching Steve Allen. I love Steve Allen. and Tom Poston and Don Nott's and Louis Nye. Louis Nye was one of my favorite comedians in the world. So right after the Chevy show, I started to get all these shows,

like McCuwen Davis Summer Hour. All right and I were talking about that. Oh, yeah, Marilynne, Macoo, and Billy Davis, James. From the fifth dimension. First day on that show, I went up to Billy Davis Jr. And I said, come on, what's the truth? Why did you leave Will Maston? He went, oh, yeah.

But he didn't really like that I said that. Anyway, with Steve Allen, I just got hired to write on his show. He had back in this point, it sounds like 1951, the Steve Allen's summer show, but it was a summer show, summer replacement for six episodes on NBC. And I got hired just as a writer. And the first day of work were at a location at a movie theater on some sketch. I don't remember even what it was. And I'm standing next to Steve Allen, who I adored, you know, everybody of my generation.

He's like the letterman of our generation. And he's very tall. He's like 6'4. And he had a little round band-aid on his neck. You know, like when you have a pimple or cut yourself shaving. So I'm standing right next to him. And I swear, I don't know where I got the balls to do this. But I just reached up high and put my finger on the band-aid in his neck.

And I just held it there. And I went, Gwen, have them bring my car around. Tell Tony, I want to shave. I want my shoes. I want that. I manicure the whole thing. And it's left it on there for a really long time. He just fucking laughed his head off.

And then he puts me on the show because I wrote this piece for myself in it. And Catherine O'Hara was a writer too. And he puts us both on. And we ended up singing and dancing with Kay Ballard and Donald O'Connor. It's surreal. Wow. Yeah. And do we have time for a Donald O'Connor story?

Sure. We got about an hour and 20 minutes. And then we'll get back to more jewelry made from sugar. But so Donald O'Connor, I mean, way even oh better than frank fred esther or jean kelly i love donald o'connor love donald connor and that's what i really wanted to be was like one of those guys you know you wanted to be a hofer yeah i just wanted to be like donald connor i don't know and uh he's we're doing steve had us doing dancing and like a review with stools like a plazanine review and this it was corny and katherine

a hera was in it we were the two young people in tuxes and gowns and k ballard and donald were you know It's like one of those bad reviews, you know, like from gay bars to zabars, you know, one of those things you've seen in the early 60s, a plazinine review. And it was whatever. But so after rehearsal one day, Donald Connie says, me, Tommy, and he's like all through the day, chain smoking marlottes and putting nitroglysmoking under his tongue, nitroglycerin pills under his tongue and smoking. And, you know, and he says to me, Tommy, you know what? I have a gorgeous velvet jacket, brown velvet. And I wore it in this picture with Marilyn Monroe. My name is still sewed into it from MGM.

Donald O'Connor. I wore it in this dance scene with Marilyn Monroe. Is it no business like show business? Yeah. And I'm too fat for it. Now, I got it home. I'm going to bring it to you tomorrow. I'm like, Donald O'Connor's bringing me the Cody Warren.

You know, it was like when I got the part on Brando. Yeah. Whole night I can't even sleep. And I'm thinking, this has just be the beginning of Donald O'Connor and my friendship. You know? The coach starts it up. He probably has like a cuff links that he wore. I'm already like grave robbing, you know.

And I'm so excited. I can't even stand it. I get to the parking lot at the studio early before anybody. I'm just waiting for him to pull up in his car. So it looks like I'm just walking by. I can't wait to get the car. So he pulls up, you know, and I get out and I make it look like I'm just kind of going in. I wasn't waiting for him.

And he gets out of the car, doesn't have the coat. And he goes, hey, Tommy. Hey, Donald. I said, hey, Donald. Yeah. Well, never mentions the coat again. And I never brought it up. And that's why I can't read.

So you never got the coat. I never got the coat. And people say, well, why didn't you ask him? I'm not going to ask him. I don't embarrass him. Wow. Now, you make of that. What do you make of that?

Gilbert, you're into psychology. I stopped listening to the story a while ago. Let's get back. It kind of dragged the lung and has no ending. whatsoever. That's the thing about that story. Let me watch, watch his eyes like that, Frank. Watch it. King Donovan. Okay.

Okay. Huh? Yeah. Do I know how to get a lot of long story? And then it's kind of like a joke that has no punchline. Well, you try to ask me my, let's not talk about my career anymore. It's boring. Okay. Yeah. You've met Jerry Lewis a few times.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wonderful. We went, uh, Belzer became, like his son. He even called him dad. It's so strange. It's so weird. It's so weird. What is happening there?

With Belzer and Jerry Lewis, they're like a couple now. Yeah, it's like a long-lost son. And the dog. And the dog. Yeah, of course, the dog's always got to be there. Belzer's a therapy dog. It's not a therapy dog. You know, Belzer took his dog to see Spam a lot?

Oh, yeah, he's with that dog every saying. Imagine you buy tickets for, you wait a year to get tickets to spam a lot, And Bells are sitting there with his dog. The dog in its own seat? I don't know. Interesting. But he just says he's a therapy dog. He's not really a therapy dog.

No, of course. So anyway, Belver arranges for Jerry Lewis, who had a daughter the age of my daughters at the time, like 13, and to have brunch on a Saturday morning at Fiorellos in the back room. Again, I'm just, I can't believe I'm meeting these people. Because it's like if I had thought as a kid in Miami, It's like me going to, you know, in the NASA program or something that I would ever get these moments that be with these people that I absolutely worship. I had to once had to be rushed to the hospital because of Jerry.

I told Jerry this story. And we all had this brunch at Fear. I would get asthma. Whenever I would get extremely happy, I would have, I'd get blue and wet my pants and be rushed to the hospital. Every birthday party. My mom would bring out the cake and the kids. were there and I'd be so happy. I'd just be so happy that I

couldn't breathe, blackout, pants would be wet, rush you up. I'd come back, my brothers are fighting over my presence and stuff. But one day, you know, with him and Dean, I'm watching, I'm like six or seven, they're still together, and they're at the ball game, and Jerry's

eating peanuts, and Dean's with a beautiful chick. And Jerry's watching the game, stuffing peanuts, and he gets, he chokes, and he grabs Dean, he shakes, He's got, and he says, Dean, Dean, I got a peanut in my neck. And I thought that was in his neck. Yeah.

I got so laughing so hysterically. I had to go, the doctor had to come over and give me adrenaline. Really? I told Jerry that story. He goes, yeah, it was pretty funny. But anyway, he was lovely. He was great. Well, Gilbert, you've met him too.

No, yeah, you met him hundred times. See, I was hoping the story would end. And then he says he had a coat. Yes. You had a double-cost coat. I walked in, and there was Jerry Lewis wearing Donald. He got his coat. Yeah, I wish I had thought of that.

You met him. You ran into him recently, didn't you, Gil? Yes. Yeah. I ran into him, and I had the pleasure of saying he said, Gilbert, you crazy cock sucker. That's pretty nice. Yeah.

It's flattering. I wish he had insulted me in that manner. Tell us about seeing. Jessel on the Queen Mary. Gilbert's. And you wanted to mention wit Bissell, I think now would be the time. Well, let me wit my Bistle for a minute. Does Gilbert used to do Witt Bistle in a jessel bit?

I love that. Oh, it's too long a bit. It would be kind of like your Donald O'Connor store. Yeah, I see it. Yeah, I see what you mean. Thanks. You're right. Yeah.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was working with Donald O'Connor? Yeah. And he said, I've got a pair of shoes. I got a pair of shirts. Yes. I wore in Bermuda Farewell. With Helen Kling and Bill, in Lundy. Bill Lundigandigant.

You know, Lundy would be... I saw him the next day, and he didn't have the shoes. I guess you're right. It doesn't really have an ending, does it? Well, it's a sad ending, but it's still an ending. Well, it's kind of a... Oh, I have another story. Can I tell a story about...

Yes, it's every bit as good. Why does every story have to end funny? What's the matter with you? Now, this... I'm 12 years old. I'm taking acting... You are? Not now.

Currently. I'm sorry. But thank you. It's nice if you don't say that. I have the body of a 12-year-old. It's in my call space, actually, you know? But I'm taking acting lessons at 12. I know I want to be in showbiz.

And in Miami, in Coral Gables, there was a theater called the Studio M. And every year, Tennessee Williams would write these plays in Key West and bring them up to the studio M and, and, you know, kind of workshop them and stuff, Sweet Bird of Youth, all this stuff. And the woman who ran in the theater was like a big shot in Miami in the early 60s, big Ruth Foreman. And I'm the only kid in the acting class. They're all adults. And she says, next week, bring in a piece that really is meaningful for you. Could be anything. Could be anything.

Now, at the time, I was just in love with the Jolson story with Larry Parks. Oh, my God. Crazy about it. Yes. Had the record, you know, I loved everything. I would just stay in my room and mime Larry Parks and imitate Larry Parks, imitating Jolson. So I decided I'm going to mime.

There's a rainbow around my shoulder. And the sky blew above, let it rain and storm, I'll keep warm because I'm in the whole move. I did the whole move. I'm 12. Chubby from the A, from the quarter zone. And I end up on one knee, and I think this is going to kill. This is going to be great. I bring the record to Studio M.

You know, other people got up and did scenes from Uncle Vanya and the rainmaker. All right, Tom, you're next. I go up. I give the guy the record, the Jolson record, he puts a, you know, the record puts it up. There's a rainbow around my shoulder and the sky blue above. You know, I do the whole thing. Let it rain and storm. I keep warm.

because I'm in love. And I get down on one knee, my arms are stretched out like Al Jolson, you know, in a mammy pose. And records going like that. Guy takes it off. I'm still my arms are stretched. She's in the front row, Ruth Foreman. Long pause. Doesn't say anything.

Finally, I got to stand up, you know. She still doesn't say anything. Finally, she says, you know, all the students are looking at her, what's she going to say? I'm 12 years old. And she goes, record pantomime is the lowest. form of show business. Wow. Oh.

It's not even true because ventriloquism is the lowest form of showbusts. Thank you. That's exactly what I told. Not even accurate. I think geek. It's under geek.

It's right under geek. Even better than the Al Joltson's story was Jolson sings again. But better than that is what you reminded me of, and I've looked it up on YouTube, the Eddie Cantor ending. Oh, my God. Yes.

Talk about surreal. Yeah, because Keith Brousel is playing him throughout the whole movie. I just want to applaud Keith Brazil. And then at the very end, is an old depressed, sickly looking Eddie Cancer. He's just had a heart attack just when they said Roll him comes in. And his wife would look like Walter, you know, William Bendix with a weird. And it's like they're watching the movie, the Eddie Cancer story.

They're watching the movie that we just had to sit through. And then she goes, how are you, Eddie? And he goes, I've never felt better in my life. Now, when I saw that, you reminded me of that one. It was suicidal. But also, what the hell is going on? Is he in the movie? Is that another guy?

It's like when Eddie, if I may, you remember the Eddie Duchin story? Oh, yes, yeah, sure. Kim Novak with those great cans. Yes. So I was a kid, but that came out, and I'm watching that. I loved it. I had the music by, oh, gosh, Carmen Cavalero played the music, right? So I'm watching that movie, and at the end of it, we know he's going to die, Eddie Dutchen.

Yeah. You're reading your mail, Frank? Just look at Gas Bill, man. Looking for something to ask you, buddy. Oh, that Gaspel, 89.95. If this story, if this story is anything like the Donald O'Connor story, I'm going to start reading my mail. I'm going to read my phone, though. I'm going to read my sag card.

So in the old movie, he's dying for the whole movie, Eddie Duchin. And then he ignores his son for the home movie. But at the end of it, he's in his grand Central Park apartment, and he has two pianos there. And he's playing piano with his son. But his son knows that Eddie Dutchen is going to die any minute. So he's playing piano with his son. And all of a sudden, Tyrone Powers, Eddie Duchin kind of, he gets like, he, obviously, he's getting sick. and his son, they cut to his son is looking at him,

and Eddie, he was missing notes on the keyboard, and they cut to his son again. And when they cut back, the doors are swung open, there's wind coming in, and he's disappeared. And I thought to myself, what kind of, what kind of god of disease is this where your suit disappears? All right, sorry.

Now, now, also in the Eddie Cantor story, yes. Some guy runs in to Eddie's apartment with the most phony-looking nose. Oh, I think you say newspaper. Yeah. A phony-looking big nose.

Durante? Yeah. And he's going, Hey, Eddie, hot-cha-cha. Like you said, hot-cha-cha. Yeah, in real life, all the time. But the best part of the Al Jolson sings again is when Larry Parks, as Larry Parks,

meets Larry Parks as Al Jolson. Jolson. It's Pirandella. That is surreal. It's in the worst split screen effects ever. Wow. Off subject. Oh, fortunately. I was thinking the other day, I woke up and I didn't have things come to you in there just as soon as you wake up. I thought, you know how Woody Allen used to have that bit, what he would think of to keep from coming the baseball? Oh, sure. Yes. Keep from premature ejaculation. Yeah. I thought, what if, you know, you could also like imagine, you know, if you really had a problem with you had a problem with you had to. You had to. more than that. You could imagine Abin Costello fucking. Lou? Lou. Our pal, Drew Freebair. Give it me. Give it me, Lou.

Split me in half, Lou. Split me in half, Lou. Blow the gorilla, Lou. Squit me in half, Lou. Oh, chit. Now look at you did, Lou. You broke the condom. Hey, look.

Okay. I've said this in a few of the podcasts already, and I don't care. My favorite death scene. Yes. Can it get hotter in here? No. I feel like Alex Guinness in the treasure. He's in that box.

The rich of a little box they put him in. My favorite death scene of all time is in the button loose story. Oh, yes. I know. You've told me that. Oh, yes. Tell it again. Yeah.

Okay. No, tell again. So, buddy hackett. But your beef always was that Buddy Hackett was so slow as awful. Bad timing. What you guy? Yeah, man.

Do you think they said that we're short? Just, yeah. Yeah, stretch. Yeah. So he's lying in the hospital bed after a heart attack. And Arnie Johnson from laughing is his age. Eddie Sherman. Yes.

And he goes... Very interesting. And he goes... And Artie reaches under his jacket and takes out a strawberry malted. And he goes, this is because you were a good boy. And because all the time he's going, I'm my bad boy. Give me your cock, clothes. I'm a bad boy.

He takes a sip. He's in the hospital bed, very weak. Buddy hacked it. as Lucas Dell takes a sip of this and he goes, no, Eddie, I had a lot of straw, every mortgage in my day, but he wants the best, and he closes his eyes and dies.

It's brilliant. It's just like Camille. You think that Eddie put something in there? Just to get out of the movie? Just so the movie would end? We have to wrap it up, but... Oh, I got more. I got more stories.

Okay. I have... I got even worse story. When you think he's dead, he opens his eyes again and goes, did I ever tell you when I met Donald O'Connor? Oh, get out of him. How dare you. He gave me his...

That's another call back. He promised to some little key in the show. Now, you've written some classic television episodes, which I know our listeners would... Our Seinfeld fans, you wrote the Babu episode of Seinfeld. I created Babu Babbabat, the cafe, and the suicide. Drake's Sakes won. And the Drake's Case.

And J.F. Kennedy assassination. I was one of the writers on that. And, you know, contributed. And the Cheever letters with Kramer. Yeah. My mother, I also wrote other series, my mother the chimp. Now, when you were on. A bridge for Jimmy.

Yep. Remember that? I heard when you were a writer on Seinfeld, that Seinfeld one time said to you, you know, I have a jacket. No! How dare you? I'm kind of fat now. Yeah, but you know, one thing Jerry did like, no, I would do a bit for Jerry and Larry where I sort of perfected it.

It was an actor coming in to read for a role, and he's reading the role, and he accidentally farts during the reading. And so the network executives and the women and the secretaries are there, and he's so embarrassed reading it that he has a stroke, and the left side of his face and body are paralyzed. and he has to drag himself with just the drool out of it, and going at the end, we'll be calling my age. I'm a man. Just because he farted, he so embarrassed, he had a grandmouse seizure.

Good night, everybody. I want to plug your book before we go. Thank you. But you can still find on Amazon. Milton Marty, the longest lasting, and least, successful comedy writing duo in showbiz history with cover art by the great cover art by our old pal drew friedman and it's a hilarious book and you can still get it on amazon and gilbert where are you appearing no way after this i'll be doing my one-man show

called my meeting with donald oh don't isn't any of these stories you want to use anyone if i may right now one time i was working with donald o'connor Is it just fade out? Courageable, isn't he? I wouldn't encourage him. You want to take us out on the George Jessel's story? Oh, yeah. Real quick.

I'm working on a special with Rob Reiner, Chris Guest and Harry Scher. Actually, just to interject, the TV show. The TV show. And was that the first appearance of Spinal Town? Yeah, very first appearance of Spinald. Paul Schaefer tells me Harry Shira hates me. Go, sorry.

Anyway. We are, you saying, yeah. You know, Harry hates you. Harry hates you. Harry hates you. If he doesn't hate you, you had a problem. Yeah. He was nice to me.

That's what I mean. Yeah. I rest my case. I don't know what it is, Gil. Yeah, rest my case. So we hear, so we hear that somebody runs and goes, hey, guys, you guys are like this. George Jessel is doing an afternoon show at 4 in the afternoon.

He's like, okay, great time. Great time to appear. In the theater at the Queen Mary, which is now in Drydod. in Long Beach, but it's, it was already like three, and he's going on at 4.30, and we're in, you know, we're in the valley. She'll go, well, don't we have to write the rest of the show? Fuck that. George Jussell's appearing in the queen.

So we drive so fat. Who is it, you, Reiner and? Reiner, Harry, Chris Guest. That was it. Okay. Maybe somebody else, I don't remember. Should we get there? We run up the gang plank.

Like the end of, like, on the town, the free sailor's going, I don't. I'm the town. We're going to have some comedy. And we get in there. We go to the grand ballroom of the Queen Mary now, and there's three old women, you know, with oxygen, and the tanks and everything. And we go right down.

We're in time. Thank God, we're in time. You know, we drove like maniacs. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Georgie Jessel, the Toastmaster General, he's wheeled out in a wheelchair, and he's wearing the Eisenhower jacket with the medals. and the tube with his price tag still on it you know that one.

Oh, God. Turn to the right. You know, the tube is facing. Oh, jeez. You know, the tube is facing to the side. Every time he turns his head, the tube stays in the same place, but he turns his head.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to the show. And he would do, and he started doing these bits and, like, we just couldn't believe it. And he did Hello Mama. You remember Hello, Hello Mama?

This is your son. So, George Jess was 97, and he's doing a phone call to his mama. Hello Mama And Mama's trying to make him go out with a girl A daughter of one of her friends And he's going With teeth, trying to keep the teeth in

Just keeping the teeth in was already a major There's a thing called glue For the head You put the glue from the hair on his teeth And then whatever And he goes, hello, Mama What mama? Mama, I don't want to meet a...

What mama? I don't want to meet a young girl, Mama. What mama? And then, 97 years, in the medals, and the Eisenhower jacket, you know, sure. So, what, mama? I'm not going to come over to Mrs. Royberwitz's house and meet her yet? What? No, mama.

And so finally, he does all that stuff and we're just, and he's always got the eye dripping, you know, he's got the drip. It's the eye, the eye is dripping some kind of, like, viscous, some kind of viscous fluid. You just got those, what, it's like, I don't know what. fluid from like any cancer fluid is coming out of his eyes. And at the end of the show, and we're like pulverized, just not, trying not to laugh

and just can't believe our good fortune. And finally goes, well, you know what time it was knowledge? Now there's only like one woman died. The other two have, are being frozen. The other two women are being frozen. And he says,

take this chair away. Take it away. And we hear this music and it's, you're a grand old flag. He stands up and goes, oh, you're a grand old flag. And he's standing up there like,

teetering guy, Lord. A flying flag. And it was, you know, that's no way to either. Did he do, um... He gave me his Eisenhower jacket. Oh, really? Yes, yes. See?

No. It would have been better if you said, and then he said, you know, I have a jacket here from Donald O'Connor. I wore in a U.S.O. show with Kay Maye-Questell. Did Donald O'Connor Make Westella was a Betty Boop. Yeah.

Thank you. Georgie Jessel did he do it. One bright and shining light. Of course. Right. And we all went like, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. We used to do a thing we'd go to see our gang of a guy. You know, you're part of it too. We went to see this guy, Nicky Denetti, who did a show called The Playography. Oh, the bad entertainment nights. Yeah, bad entertainment nights. There's this guy, Nick Edonetti, who did a who did a, who did a,

evening of Frank Sinatra's life called The Playography. This is in a Chinese restaurant in the ballot. Harry Shears said, but he kept in five minutes. We're going to go see this guy, Nicky and Eddie do Sinatra, the playography. Now, the first time we saw it, of course, we saw it many times after that. There was other people in it.

There was a guy playing, a woman who would play all the parts like, what was her name, the no-chin woman who, the columnist. Oh, Katie Kilgallon. Yes, yes, yes. Dorothy Kilgallon. And then finally, there was a whole thing where he wouldn't pay any, So the next time we went to see, it was just him doing all the lines. Okay, that's it.

No, no ending. And he ended up managing Sly Stone. Oh, Slice Stone. Now, Sly Stone, is he living out on the street now? That's what I heard. Is he alive even? Yeah, he's alive. Well, you've got the whole family stone.

Can't they take them in? Take him in? He's got a whole family stone to ask. I heard sometimes he puts on an auto. artificial nose nose. Now, let me Inca Dinka Dink. Oh, come on, Jimmy. Stop that. You're not on stage now.

Inka Dinkie. I took out any Jimmy Durani's daughter once. You did? Yeah. Real quick. She gave me blow. Imagine Jimmy Durani's daughter gave me blow? True story.

I heard when you... You think it would be a lot because Jimmy Durani had a big nose. No. Not that I took the blow. When you were... When you were fucking... I didn't, hey, I never said that. Did she go, hot chatsman,

but dinky dinky doo. I don't think. Everybody tries to get into my cunt. Stop the mrs. Stop the semen. Stop the semen. Oh, good fun. We deteriorated again.

Tell us real quick what Jean Balo said to you at the Friars Club when you asked him how what's doing. He said, goodbye, Mrs. Calabay. Where? The great Gene Bealos. Lou, put it in, Lou. I'm a bad. Paul Shea, you know Gene Baylis, the comedian's comedian. Yes, Gilbert's a fan.

Went in there one day to have lunch at the friar. And Paul says to Gene Ballas and Paul says to Gene Bellas, hey Gene, how you doing this? Not good, Paul. I just came from the doctor as he put a glass tube in my prick. All right, good to know, Gene. The golden years. You know what I mean? Well, you can't top that.

We've been talking to the engineers still here. Frank home. We've been talking to Tom Leopold. Should I re-tell the story? Here at Nutmeg Post. And thank you. Frank V. Thank you, Frank.

Thanks, Nutmeg. I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopatra, and Tom Leopold is going to come back another time and tell us parts he left out of the Donald O'Connor. I left like the real good, funny crap out of it. I'll just come back and tell you the really funny crap that I forgot. Nice, Tommy. Thank you guys.

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