Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Rewind: Episode 47: Craig Bierko

Episode Date: July 2, 2026

Actor and singer Craig Bierko has appeared in movies (“Cinderella Man,” “The Long Kiss Goodnight”), hit TV series (“Damages,” “Boston Legal”) and Tony-nominated musicals (“The Music Man,” “Guys and Dolls”) and worked alongside comedy icons like Larry David, Bob Newhart and the Zucker Brothers. Craig stopped by Gilbert’s apartment to present Gilbert with a birthday gift, to take a few personal calls and to regale Gilbert and Frank with stories and anecdotes featuring everyone from Norman Mailer to Bishop Fulton Sheen. Also, Craig goes toe-to-toe with Russell Crowe, turns down the role of Chandler Bing (!) and takes a bath with John Malkovich. PLUS: Wilford Brimley! David (or Bill) Huddleston! George Harrison sings “Oh! My Pa-Pa”! And the strange death of Parkyakarkus! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hi. I think we already have high. So that's good. So I don't need to say. I don't need to say hi. This is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santo Padre. Our guest today is an actor and singer, yes singer, who has appeared in dozens of films and TV shows, including the movies The Long Kiss Good Night, a sour grape scary movie, and Cinderella Man. His TV work includes wings.

Murphy Brown, Mad About You, Ali McBeal, Sex in the City, Boston Legal, and Damages. He was nominated for a Tony for his memorable performance

as Harold Hill in the Broadway revival of the music man and most important he feels connected to his Jewish heritage. Welcome to the show,

our friend Craig Bierko. It's the person who wrote it, but it says resented, not connected. That's a lot. Resents his Jewish heritage. Yeah, let's see, because I had read this at one

point, and it's, I would misquoted it as you were proud of it. How long were you misquote? You got you won twice, didn't you? Yes. So, So you're not proud of your Jewish heritage.

I'm very proud of my Jewish heritage and claim it when it suits me, which you act, which sounds offensive, but the orthodox acts, they get it. The orthodox gets me. I'm good for the orthodox. Now, but your mother. I'm wearing orthodoxers. Are you? Your mother was a Jew. Yes.

Is a Jew? She's still alive. Well, hey, wait a second. But she stopped being a Jew. You can't stop being a Jew. Jew. You can't stop being a Jew. I wish I could.

Oh, God. There's always a close. Our friend Tom Leopold stopped being a Jew and became a Catholic. Well, no, he's, no, not, if his mother's a Jew, then the people in the synagogue, we're all sharing a private little laugh at Tom's expense because you can't leave. You can't. And it's the creepiest term mankind has ever invented, and of course it's credited to the Jews. And the eyes of the synagogue.

Once a Jew, always a Jew. That was a sitcom. I started. Eyes of the synagogue. No, no. Once did you, always did you. Jack Gilbert. And Bill Macy.

Jack Gilbert and Bill Macy. They were both sloppy. They were both sloppy. And the network said, you know what? Let's try something else. What if they're both neat? And then 12 years later, they copied the play. Now, but your mother, born a Jew.

Oh, yeah, right out of the box. From the book, Born a Jew. That was a Jewish. another. Pat Conway. Pat Conway. Conroy. The Prince of Tides guy. Yeah. And so she was born a Jew, out of the box, born a Jew. Yeah. And she... Out of the Nana box. Right out of the nanobox. And she became a Roman Catholic.

No. Well, do you remember a guy named Fulton Sheen? Bishop Sheen? Oh, yes. Sure. Fulton Sheen who was opposite Uncle Milty on your New York television. And he also, Fulton Sheen had a big dick also. Is that right? Much like Milton Berl? No kidding. He had a gigantic cop. Yeah, he had a big bishop dick, didn't he?

He had a big bishop. A staff. He was a big staff, a crook. And he would pound the bishop every year. Oh, yeah. Well, who doesn't? You got it. He has a house that was somewhere around here.

I think there was a big bishop house. Yeah. But he was on TV and he was, my mother still says, oh, he was so handsome. And it's like, Jesus, that's what a confusing time. That's a way to shine your bishop with bishop sheet. That's how. See, we don't pay. you, but we'll be sending you a year supply of Bishop Sheet.

Listen, we understand you're leaving Catholicism. We have a few parting gifts. Let's tell them what they got, Johnny. They have Bishop Shee. Playing your bishop with Bishop Sheet. Actually, my grandfather on my mother's side, and if I gave you a million chances to guess his last name, and literally offered you all the money I have.

Goldberg. Gumberbatch. Yes. You'd never guess his last. Talbot. You don't, not even close. And nothing you say, and if we were here until the end of time, you would never guess it. Yes. His name was Distillator. Distolator? Phil Distillator, who owned Royal Jackson China. He used to distribute China all over the world. And then people were turning off podcasts all across the country. Yes. Anyway, my grandfather was very, very wealthy and said, well, if you're going to be Catholic, because they were Christmas tree Jews.

You know what I mean? Which is, which is they never went to synagogue. There was never any of that. They claimed it. That was how I was taught. Reformed. Not even. Not even. It's reformed and then it's whatever they were and then Catholic. Do you know, see, because I was always the kind of Jew. I never, I wasn't Bar Mitzford, never really followed the holidays and I like

bacon. So your wife, not your wife, your mother was, marriage, your mother? This is horrible. When do we start? Have we started? About 15 minutes ago. All right. Okay. Okay. Yes, yes. So all I was saying is that my mother converting was not a big deal in the family because

they wouldn't even have to get a new tree or anything. They literally, they had a Christmas tree. They were Jews. That's how seriously they took their religion. But they claimed it. Because you can't leave. It's like the Cozanoz. But you can't leave. So is it kind of like if you try to leave Judaism, there's that one Jew

goes, he'll be back. Yeah, there's another door outside. It's like the Truman Show. There's like you think you're outside, but you're not. But he said if she's going to go Catholic, get me Bishop Sheen. And that's the kind of power he wielded with the plates and the saucers and the teacups

from Royal Jackson, China. And my mother went down to, and I think it was around here. Some, he had like a big bishop house, and he used to come down, she would show up for her Catholic lessons. And he was like a big television. Tell them. Tell them. Yeah, Bishop Sheen. Well, you know, he was

a TV star. He had a big show. I didn't know it was opposite Uncle Melty. that. I just thought maybe you had... No, I had no extra information. And she used to show up, and then a butler would answer the door, and then he would come down in his robes, you know, and investments. And they would talk about Catholicism. And one time he opened his robe and had a gigantic cock. Check out my... This is Bishop Schmeckle.

Now, speaking of your parents. Now, wait, but your mother now is ashamed of being a Jew? No. No. No. You are? I am. Yes. I'm ashamed of you. He's ashamed of being a guest. Now, you have a large statue of Hitler in your house.

No, I have a tiny little doll of Hitler, the Carrie Fisher. Yes, that Carrie Fisher sent me. Ooh, name drop him. Oh, did you ever fuck Carrie Fisher? No. No. No. Did you ever fuck Eddie Fisher?

Yes. Yes. I'm fucking him now. Is it true? I was bequeathed his foreskin. And I'm wearing it now, so I am. Now, is it true? You would blow Eddie Fisher and he would sing, oh, my papa.

While I stood in an Ann Taylor bag. Can you sing? And if you looked under in the bathroom, so I Ant Taylor, you'd go, some gay guy has an Ann Taylor bag. You've done a call back to the Perfecto Teles. Yes, yes. I listen to every show. Yes.

And when I say I, I mean my imagination. Now, is it to Les or Talies? I never, I always said to Les. Yeah, he was the guy that blew. George Mahars. Or George Mahars might have blown him. I don't know. How does something like that got confirmed?

Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. I was watching a rerun. He's fondling my finger now. Oh, was that your finger? Okay, I thought something. Then I'll let it go. I'm sorry.

I thought it was your cock. You have information on perfect. I was watching a rerun of Route 66, not a new one, not one of the new season, that had a different guy. So I guess they replaced George Mahars. That I didn't know. After he was blowing perfecto tellies or perfecto to Don't confuse it with gay Talese, the author.

Yes, yes. Or tell us. I feel like we're in a shopping cart on a racetrack. Is this the fucking show? I came in on a train from Ostening. I live with my mother. I'm 50, by the way. Okay.

Yes. I tell you that. Yes. Oh, my papa. To me, you are so wonderful. And now the shopping cart, because it's on the slanty part, is just tilting back and going. It's slowly, slowly, rolling towards the middle. To me, you are so grand.

Oh, my papa, so gentle and so love. Is that the world? do you live in where the songs are just one note? Is it just one note all the way through? Sing the national anthem. Oh, say, can you see by the don't know what he's talking about. It's a hard song to sing.

Gilbert Gottfried hit it out of the park. First time didn't even warm up. Now, now look, so you're ashamed of being a joke. No, I'm ashamed to being on this sub-ham radio show that I came all the way in on a train. I paid $26. They said, do you want the receipt? I said, do you know where I'm going?

I'm going to the end of the line. They're like Grand Central. I'm like, what's after that? I'm going to the end of the line. This is it. That's my swan song. An empty pool. Well, that was a traveling willberries.

And the line. That's right. I love that song. Yeah. I like a lot of traveling. Me too. Yes. We're Jeff Lynn fans.

Yeah. Big Jeff Lynn fans. Yeah. Big Jeff Flynn. Love Zoom. Did you like the Zoom? Yes, I did. I saw, I was in a live, I was at the last officially-a-o concert. Yes, I was there. I'm going to look for you in the crowd. I'm in the video. What was that other guy? I can't remember his name, Pretty Woman. Roy Orbison.

I was going to say Bruce Jenner. And George Harrison, he was in a group. I would like that. George Harrison, I think, said my papa. I don't think so. But he stole it from his My papa. Let's get to an actual question.

Speaking of your parents, is it true or bullshit that your parents gave you a middle name because they expected you to be an actor? It's the truth. Yeah, and your middle name is Philip. No, my middle name is Bert Reynolds. Really?

Wow. Pronounced Chico. Yes, that is true. Both of my parents wanted to be an actor, but neither of them made a series. series go at it. And they ran like the local community theater, the Harrison players. Why is actually my mom, Ryan, New York, where you're from? Yes, we lived in Rye, New York, and so logically, she ran the Harrison players. I have no idea why, but that was for a couple of years. So in the fourth grade, I was an extra, not actually one of the newsboys in Gypsy for the Harrison players. But they did. They wanted to be actors. I thought, listen, just in case, you never know. Let's not saddle them with, you know. know, a name like Bierco, which, you know, just sounds like, you know, doesn't sound like show business. So we'll give them middle names.

They'll give him a fighting chance. So my middle name is Philip, after my grandfather, Philip distillator. And my brothers is Lawrence. So he could be Scott Lawrence and I could be Craig Phillips. I was so nice of him. That's the truth. So you could hear it right away and go, oh, that's a phony name. Exactly.

Oh, who did he blow to get into show business? So they sort of, they wanted you to be an actor or they were just in, In the event that you became one? No, they weren't. They were barely there. They were, no. They didn't want us to be, but they, it was, you know, I think my mom and dad, when they first got married, they lived in a building with Richard Benjamin and Paul Apprentice, and they used to hang out. Is that true?

I think they thought, hey, we have similar haircuts. We're attracted to people. We'll be actors also. And, but they really didn't take a real stab at it. My dad went into business and my mother became a housewife. and, you know, but I guess it was part of their world then. I don't know. It never really occurred to me how odd that was until, you know, right now.

Now let's talk about... What's your middle name? I don't have been an untalented little child right out in the pocket. Listen, don't even bother with the middle name. This guy's never going to get an agent. Yeah. My full name is Gilbert Morriehams to damn. Really?

Yeah. So they really did know that you were going to be a comic. Who was the first comedian that you remember identifying with and going, like, do you have a heart attack? Who gave you? Like I was five years old. Oh, Jesus. Are chest pains good?

Are chest pain's good this early? Is that it? That's a good question. What comic did you first spark to? Let me see. I mean, I remember when, see, when I was a kid, they said. still would show the old movies on TV, like the Mawks Brothers and the Stooges. Jerry Lewis, I loved early on.

Yeah, Jerry Lewis is the best. And, oh, so many. I remember the first horror film that I can remember seeing. What was it? I think it was Lonchini Jr. That's a surprise. Yes, of course. Mike, I'm a big Lonchini Jr. friend.

The Indestructible Man Oh, I never seen Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't ever seen And it had Joe Flynn I had one out of For a later being in McCall's movie Of course, of course And all the Disney movies

And the bad Disney movies And I forget his name Robert Che or something You mean Inspector Henderson? Inspector Henderson Robert Shane Yeah, yeah He was in that

Yeah S-H-Y-N-E Robert Shane, the House of Un American Activities went after it Are you serious? Yeah. Oh, he was a lefty. Yeah.

I have great respect for him now. Yeah. What did you watch as a kid? You grew up around. So you're not even going to wander close to the question. No. No. He's not going to.

Well, he said he gave it to you. In fact. He gave it to you, Roucho and Jerry Lewis. In fact. But I said, what was the first? Was there a comedian? And he just listed people. He's asking you a question.

Someone told me, this, my other crazy friend, Asherman. Uh-huh. he said when they were going after Robert Shane the producer of Superman said to them I produce a show where every week there's a man standing in front of the American flag who stands for truth,

justice, and the American way so let's go fight each other and see who the public stands with. Oh, I like that. Yeah. I hope that story is true. Yeah. And if you look, his left foot's right in chili. Yeah. Which I think was, I think it's the Illuminati.

I think there were some messages. Can we talk about the dumbest fucking move you've ever made in your life? Jesus, start somewhere, yeah. That's a jump. Other than this show. The dumbest. Other than agreeing to this. Oh, I think he's a movie, but move.

No, move. Okay. You turned down the part of Chandler Bing on France. He's really going for it. right? Yeah, no. This is a, this is a, this is a, this is a, this is a miscon, I'd like to clear this up right now. I turn down the role of Rachel. I think, because I said, I said, and listen, I went to school with Schumer and I said, I'm not very uncomfortable with some of the inferences. First of all, he's, it, Rachel, if you have a Puerto Rican accident, it's fine.

They're men named Rachel in Puerto Rico. And I was like, well, schmuck. So I went in for the meeting. And they said, okay, and there was a hair guy there. You're showing me this stupid wig, this, like, beetle like comb over Bob Denver wig and I'm like what is what are you doing he goes it's all right you're not playing a woman but you're Puerto if you play a Puerto Rican and your name could be Rachel and just just try the wig on and this dress which is if you were Scottish you'd wear a dress so they had this an hour later I'm sitting there a fucking dress of a wig and and they got me in a falsetto voice says I can't do this do you know who I almost am I can't do this and no the truth is they they they I had a deal with NBC

the network, the television network. Yes. Yes, yes. And at the time they had a network. And that meant that, you know, it was a holding deal. So they hold you. You can't audition for CBS or what's the other one? ABC.

Fox was an upstart, a new network. And they pay you a certain amount of money, and that means you have to do one of their shows. And so you go to meetings and people pay. hit you shows and you feel like a big shot because you're making as much money as a dentist and you're just sitting on your ass getting bored and, you know, going to meetings. And then at the end of the season, that's when they roll out the really good shows. Now, I was choosing between a show that at the time was called Six of One, which later became Friends. And another show called Best Friends. So I'm not

A dummy, you know, because they're not allowed to say, do this show, don't do this show, because they don't know what they're going to pick up, but they know which shows. Look, we got all really talented writers here, and we got a really talented writer here, but this show skews young, this show skews a little older. They're not allowed to do that. So they're sending me a little message. Are you going to do, here's Friends, read this script over the weekend, here's best friend. Okay?

So I read it, and Friends was a very, it's a very fun. sketch, but honestly, my reaction was, it's kind of, it's Seinfeld. It was Seinfeld. Oh, yeah. And the part of Ross was taken by David Trummer, very good actor. I saw that. And actually, I was

very good friends with Matthew Perry, who figures in the story later. Hold on. Keep in the story. You had done a show with circle back. I'll circle back, but just put a pin in that name. Matthew Perry. Let me write this down. And Hank Azaria, and I took them out to breakfast, I said, I've got our show.

Because we were friends, very tight, hung out. I said, and this was before they cashed from her. I said, I want to play Ross. Hank is going to play Joey, and you would be a perfect handler. And I did say this. Went out to breakfast. They read the script. They liked it. Now, Matthew was doing a show, had already booked a show called L-A-X-2000. This is how long ago it was. 2000 was still in the future.

And L-A-X, big popular airport, L-A-X. L-A-X-2-000. He was a baggage handler in the future. future working with robots. And it was going to be hijacks. Now, this is like, wow. Right? So that's, that's what the show. He was, now they shot the pilot, I believe.

And I think they were like, action. They did a scene. And then the network went, of course not. Like, it was the quickest they ever made, decision they ever made. Like, he went, hey, where's the robot with the Samson? Stop it. Of course not. We got five talking dog shows.

What are you doing? So, so they stopped. And he was free. Now, in the meantime, while he was shooting that show, I had to go in and audition for friends and best friends. Now, you say, wait. If you were awake, you would say, wait. You had, didn't you have a deal? Didn't you have, I know, you're not even facing me.

Yeah. And I can't tell whether your eyes are open. Oh, God. He's going to have work done to close them more. Post them more. So anyway, I, I, so I had to go on a. an audition. I said, but wait, I have a deal. And they went, yeah, but we don't care. These are good shows. You'll have to audition with everybody else. I'm like, then why do I have a deal? And they're like,

exactly. And it's like, all they do is just say, fuck you and very polite ways out. That's all they do. Do you have a deal that makes you exclusive? Sure. What do I get? Well, you're exclusive. Pick of the shows. Well, what about the good ones? No, you got to audition for the good ones. Like everybody else, you might not get them. And then you got to give part of the money back, right? It's ridiculous. So I have best friends and friends. I read them both. And I go in on meetings. I audition for Joey. And it's clear I'm not Joey. I'm like, you know, and then I auditioned for Chandler. Now, when I went in and audition for Chandler, my God's honest truth, I said, I went in and I imitated Matthew Perry, you know, which is by now, you know, but you just sort of, you know, you hit a word that people

wouldn't normally hit. I went to that, but you know, whatever. I remember there was some, and I remember the moment when I got it. I was, there was some joke about, uh, I dreamt I didn't have a, uh, a penis. He said, he's at the central perk or whatever. I dreamt. I didn't, I didn't have a penis. And they, and they said, what did you have? And he said, uh, there was a, a phone down there. And it was ringing. And, uh, and they said a phone and I went, yes, sir. I just improvised yes, sir, and they all looked at each other, and I was like, I got the part. And I did. I got the part. Which was a non-event, because I thought, shouldn't I just have the part anyway?

Because I have a deal. But I had to win the part. I won the part. And then the next day, I went and I auditioned for best friends. I thought, this is going to be great. They're going to put fruit out. They're going to put fruit out. There'll be a table with, you know, tapas.

I'll have, you know, there'll be a chef making omelets. And if I feel like auditioning, I'll, you know. And I went in and I met this guy, Alan Katz, who is the loveliest, funniest, sweetest guy. And this show was about a young father who was married to this great woman who, but he's a stay-home writer. And they found this unbelievably talented girl who'd never done anything from the Midwest. And I met her. And she was, like, nine or ten years old. She was so talented.

I don't remember her name because I think she left show business, you know, because, you know, the pilot didn't go. And she didn't care. And she was so good, and we had such a nice chemistry, and I thought, I want to do this. You know, I want to do this show. I want to play this father. I want to work with this guy, Alan Katz. I really like him. I like the people from Friends, but I thought this just feels like Seinfeld.

I didn't think it won't or will. I didn't, you know, that's the thing is after I said, no, cut to me a couple of months later, Friends has replaced Christianity. Crusades, thousands of years, biblical stories, people dying, entire countries flooded with blood, name changes of entire countries. This show comes along and Catholic people go, this is better. Everybody's like, there'll be this and Jewish people. And this features Jewish people. It's all about Jewish people.

It's working, the plan is working. But you don't know that. What you have is two scripts and a best guess, you know. So I knew from the beginning, now it was weird because Matthew was freed up after, you know, L-A-X-2000, was freed up and went in and auditioned and he won the part. I don't know who he imitated. I would be upset if he imitated me, frankly. But the fact of the matter is I really do remember going in and thinking, this is Matthew. And I did actually say, Matthew, Hank, we should all do this together.

And it ended up kind of working out that way. Well, his aria wound up on the show, too. And he ended up doing the show. They offered me, you know, they were very nice. They offered me, like, occasionally, you know, like guest star roles. I remember the first one was, there was an episode where there's a guy who's talking, I think he's one of the girls is going out with him, and he's talking to them, and he's got his leg up and his testicles hanging out of his shorts.

And I said, I can't have the cast of friends. I'm okay with this. It's weird because I walk into restaurants. Now I'm the guy in Hollywood. everybody knows he passed on friends like I took a tumor like I took a tumor and bit into it like an apple going what the fuck? Like I'm some levitical

Why'd you pass on friends? Like because it was just a pilot You know, why'd you get on the plane that crashed? What are you crazy? Yeah, I could, I should have I, well, I'm come to think of it, I should have just gone to Denver. Like what, that's so crazy. But that's the way everybody think. I went into a meeting

because I signed a deal with a studio the next year and I went into a meeting and the casting moment started the meeting with, you passed on Friends? I was like, here, but that's a nice start. That's how you're starting. That's a great opening. But that's Hollywood.

And it's kind of like everybody knew friends was going to be the biggest hit of all of time. And the thing is, you know, you can't regret something that you, I remember. I regret having you on us a guest. I regret being here. And I regretted it. And I'll tell you something. I regretted, I regretted your birthday party, which is wonderful. And it was like, this is not.

Nothing against the party. That was a good party. There was nothing against the party. But while I, you know, you went around, we didn't really know each other. Yes. And I thought, you know, in 10 years, the 10 year difference, I'll be 70. Yeah. If I'm inviting you to my 70s.

Take me out. Something's wrong. Take me out. You know, you'll be 80. First of all, you'll be 80. You wouldn't know it anyway. You'd be sitting there drooling, facing the wrong way, eating mayonnaise on your face. Hey, can you say, oh, my God, as Matthew Perry.

I remember. Oh, my God, right? Yes, very good. By the way, Matthew is a really talented. The second I met Matthew, we did a show called Sydney, Valerie Burton. With Valerie Burton Alley's. Triumphant Return to Television in 1990s. Yes.

And Matthew was like nine. He was like 22 years old. And I remember meeting. I have a very clear image. And he made me, that's my agent. I got to take that. I might have a podcast. And I'm doing it now. How do you think it's going?

He's screaming. It's like Al Lewis. It's like sitting with Al Lewis being electric acuted. It's mind-numbing. I'll call you later. Get the fucking work. Do something. My engine. Yeah. Mother. Yeah. I bet you were doing a Sydney with Valerie and Matthew. And I met Matthew and, listen, I was 25 and I do funny people, not a lot of, but But I was a big comedy fan like you. Like, you know, Mark's brothers, I grew up, and I said, this guy is, this is one of the funniest guys I've ever met.

It was, it was, it was, he had such, I don't know what it was, rage or whatever the hell it is, but it was like, barely contained anger. And he had learned to, he had this, like, very knife, sharp, precision dental instrument like delivery. And right from the beginning, I just thought, this guy. he's amazing. He's the best thing on this show, which he was in the Sydney. It was the best thing on friends. And if I got friends, I would have gotten it imitating that guy. That's, you know, I think he's one of the, I think he's a gifted, gifted and completely unique. And you know it because by the end of that show, everybody's talking like Matthew Perry. And then it was weird because in three weeks, the country was talking like Matthew Perry. That was strange. And the only

thing I thought is, you know, there have been leaner years where I thought, you know, it would help right now is the four, is 40 million. That would come in handy. There's a moment. There's got to be a moment. It's got to be more than 40. Oh, because you know what? If I was in the, could you imagine, first of all, I'm a colossus.

I'm like 6.5. I'm like an inch under Monster, you know. I'm like, Monster, I think, is 6.6. I'm, well, I'm 6.4. 6 is monster. Frankenstein. Yeah. With that cast, they're all, you know, they're tiny little pen people.

They're thin little tiny pen people. I would have looked like a... What happened to them offering you guest parts? They offered a couple and I worked done something. No, no, no. The one that I remember was, I can't be the guy with his legs open. With his ball hanging out. And the cast of friends staring at my testicle just feels weird.

You know? Gilbert would have done that. You would have done that part in a second. Yeah. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried. amazing colossal podcast, but first a word from our sponsor. Now, now, now, now this most importantly, have you ever fucked Jennifer Anderson? Remind me.

Now, I know the kid, now listen, it's a talented cast. Remind me, is she the one that I, whenever I have my hair set? Yeah. They have a lot of magazines. She's the one. How much, do you know, there's got to be more paper dedicated to Jennifer Anderson's life than the medical any medical textbooks. If you took all the medical textbooks and all the spiritual texts and added them up to next to

magazines telling you about Jennifer Aniston, which one do you think would use more paper? And how many times have they used that term? I hate the term camp anything where they go camp. Well, as a Jew, listen. You have an actual sensitivity. Of course you do. Of course you do. Like when they go Camp Anderson.

and Camp Joe Lee. Oh, I see. Which camp you're at? Camp J. Leno, Camp Coco. Do you hate Port Mantus as well, where they combine the names? Oh, yes, yes. With Brangelina.

All that shit. Oh, God, horrible. All that shit just says we should have stopped. People are supposed to live till 30. Yes. We're running out of shit to do, so we come up and camp this, camp that.

I also hate baby bump. Baby bump. Yeah, horrible. You don't like that. Horrible. That's in the top. How about canoodling? Canoodling, horrible.

Milf? Miltf? You're okay with milk. Yeah, no, milf, I can't stand. Gilf. Gilf, yes. Well, that's actually, if you're masturbating, you're gilf. Like, oh, are you in camp?

Which camp are you in? Well, it's just a disturbing camp. You don't want a part of that camp. Now, let's talk about Cinderella, man. Let's go. Because you don't want to talk about fucking Jennifer Aniston. Why are you referring to her, like, fucking Jennifer Aniston? Fucking Jenna.

Oh, you, Danny I-A-L? Hey, how funny was that guy. Fucking Jennifer and hilarious. That was a great episode, wasn't it? Seriously hilarious, Danny Ayalo. I listened to that show and I thought, I want to have lunch with Danny A-A-O. Every, so fucking funny. It can be arranged.

Were you on that show? I have no memory of you on that show. He was punching me throughout the whole show. In that real Guinea way of, hey. My mother does that. Yeah. The mother started going boom. Yeah.

I said, Mom, I'm a train pretend boxer. I'll take you out. Stop hitting me. I got reflexes. So he was everything, every time he's making a point, he'd start punching me. Two minutes into the show, he calls Scorsesea dwarf. Oh, I remember that. Because the first, Gilbert's first question was, who do you hate?

And he just ran with it. He just had this wonderful, God, and it was just, he just. And he read off the train schedule, which was brilliant. He used to be the dispatcher for the. He read the entire train scale. He was thrilled with that. Oh, he's beautiful. Now, so Cinderella, man.

And one more thing about AILO, the movie once around, I saw two movies ever, two movies I went the following day to see it again. Richard Dreyfus and Hollywood. The Deer Hunter, I was like, I can't believe, because that movie was told in real time. Yes. And it was like that, but I went again because I loved it so much. And then once around, I was like, that was entirely delightful from start. Did you ever see once around? And he is so funny, and that Daniel O is so brilliant in that.

You haven't seen it. I've seen bits and pieces. Is that where, you don't know, that's where Richard Dreyfus makes a speech at one point at the wedding that's a totally inappropriate speech. Danielo does this one thing where he wakes up. Oh, God, I can't remember what he says, but he wakes. Anyway, he's so brilliant in that movie. I went back and I went, I just came to see this actor. I just wanted to spend time with this character.

this character again. He was so great. Yeah, but if you remember that episode, everything we talked about, all the good work he did, he just drove it down. We said, moonstruck. He said, oh, what a piece of shit. Oh, really? I like that movie. Yeah. I like that movie a lot. I like, and I like anything he's in. He's funny. He's in, yeah. Now, underrated. Why am I kissing his ass? Can he help me?

No, but you can't have lunch with them with the friars. I would love to have him. Now, God damn. Hello. Angry Gilbert. America's never seen. He has. Scorsese. Yeah. Get in a. Yeah. So, in Cinderella, man, you played Max Bayer. Yes. And now...

Max Bear Sr. Fathers, Sr., yeah. Yes. Well, you just say Max Baer. His son would later be on Beverly Hillbill. Correct. He would. Yes, he would.

Now... Buddy Epson. In the movie, Max Bayer is made to look really obnoxious and like a mean guy. Yeah. And, uh, but I heard it wasn't like that. Not at all. The more I researched, uh, which was, which is my term for they sent me film and I looked at.

I never stood up. I had somebody turning it on and off. I didn't, you know, I don't mean to imply I worked. Someone else watched it and you said so. My imaginary assistant Keith said, listen, this guy's interesting. And I went, tell me something I don't fucking know. Everybody I plays interesting.

Get me an egg. I love that you have an imaginary assistant. He's very good. Keith. Bit of a prick. Liz with his mother. So we have a lot in common. So you researched it, or Keith, research. And I, and I, and, uh, he was, first of all, they tried to make this guy a moving

star, movie star, because he was so charming. And this was pre like heavyweight every, you know, that the boxing industry wasn't, like it had been, you know, uh, what's his name, King with the Oh, John King. John King, that had all. So heavyweight fighters were just, me, still meat potato guys. They'd fight, they didn't fight like once every three years. They fought like three times a week. Yeah. And they were, they were just swollen people, you know, and they would, and the gloves were like closer to like isotone or mittens. You know, they were just something you had to cover your knuckles. And, you know, but just a little bit more padding. And, uh, and these guys would really knock the shit out of each other. And, uh, he, and they would just, they fight a couple times a week.

He, you know, he was a, first of all, he was a fascinating guy. He was the Livermore lip. And I think, and he got this strong right because he grew up in Livermore, California, and he grew up, slaughtering cattle with a sledgehammer, like you did. Where did you have? Save you at the same childhood. So it was like watching Channel 9 only with a sledgehammer and a cat. Yeah, I ate a hamburger. So it's kind of, so you know where this guy's, you could get in this guy's skin.

So he, so he grew killing, and he developed this. right. And that was, you know, he did. He killed a couple of guys arguably because he hit them so hard in the head that their brain was hanging by a thread. And the next day they're having a conversation. And then he just went, uh-oh, and then they died. They did that twice. And one guy who died later and one guy who died in the ring, right? But when he was a, but it wasn't instant. It wasn't like he hit him and his lights went out. There's a moment where they're like, I think I'm, you know, and then they die. It's a scary thing. I forget what it's called, but he did hit the guy so hard, his brain fell. He fell. He said. He said. He said, he did hit the guy's heart his brain fell. He fell. He said. He said. He said. He said. He said. He off, you know. And he went, they had discovered while we were shooting the movie that he did go and try to warn him. He went out to where he knew he was eating, I think, and he said, listen, I don't want to, you got it. You're, I think he felt he was, he had like a rifle on his arm. And, um, an acting coach that I worked with, or, you know, yeah, an acting coach I worked with came up with that metaphor. And I thought that was a really good, that's really good. It's like, he knew that he could kill this person. And he did not want to do that.

And he knew, I think when he went to the restaurant to talk to, why am I blanking on the character's name, but Braddock. Braddock. When we went to the talk to Braddock, he really truly was warning him, but they played it in the movie. Listen, you needed to have a villain, and you have a formidable actor who, you know, America looks at and is an icon, an avatar for, you know, selfhood and strength, Russell Crow, the guy who he's opposing has to be, you know, formidable. So there really wasn't time for me to be charming and nice. I had to be a bit of a prick. And, you know, I understand that.

I think there were moments in the movie where I was allowed to, you know, fart out a little humanity. But I was very aware that Max Bear Jr. would see this. and that, listen, who doesn't have father issues, but if somebody made a movie about my father and showed only the bad stuff, I'd have a problem. Did he ever contact you? He's a truther, by the way.

Max Bear Jr.? Max Bear Jr. No, Max Bear Jr. never contacted me. And I was told not to, he wasn't going to be part of the research, which I understand. We were making a movie. And this was a fictional account of a real event. And, you know, but I did read.

He did an interview, and he was very complimenter. about the work, but he did have an issue with the way that his father was presented, and I don't think he was unright. But he said, but he took note of the, you know, little things like, you know, his father would hit some guy, and he didn't like to have sweat on

his gloves, so he'd always wipe the sweat off on his shorts. Little things like that, he said, he saw, and that was pleasant to see and feel like he was seeing his dad. That made me very proud, but, you know, the script and all that stuff was not, that's not my issue. I can't control any of that, how he's perceived. But I do, whenever I talk about it, I do say, look, it's a movie. Of course. Because this is, he was a truly charming guy. They did

try to make, he was so charming and good looking. They tried to make him a movie star. He did a movie called the prize fighter and the lady. Literally, they were like, we need a title. We're opening. They thought so little of this movie that they didn't even title it. They were Prize Fighter and the Lady, put it up. And it was called Prize Fighter and a lady, and he dances, he sings. By all accounts, he was a likable guy. Very, very, very likeable. But there's a big dance.

I mean, his life story would be great. I think he died kind of early. I still want to do something with, now that I'm a little bit older, I would love to do, even if it's a stage thing, revisit the character and fill it out more and tell a story. Because he's a truly, truly elegant guy before. boxing had any of that. There was no Muhammad Ali. In fact, he fought Joe Lewis,

and it looks, you can actually see like two kinds of, he fought Joe Lewis and I think Joe Lewis beat him at the Yankee Stadium. And it was like two different types of boxing meeting each other. It was like, did you ever see those Kavit shows with the comedians? And Bill Cosby's on with Jack Benny. Oh, yeah. And you're watching, it's a completely unique moment. Jack Benny looking at Bill Cosby on television for the first time, and he's stunned.

And he's under Bill Cosby's, you know, Bill Cosby's doing this bit about drumming, which is great. And you're watching Jack Benny see new comedy coming. It's an amazing, that's what it was like, this box. It was a different era. I did an episode of Cosby, and for some reason, Milton Burrell stopped by at the set. The actor? Yeah. Yeah.

No, Milton Burrell or lumberjack. Oh, yes. And I was standing there watching Bill Cosby and Milton Burrell talk to each other. Oh, yeah. And they both talked in stick, you know. Cosby would do like a long, drawn out funny story. And Milton Burrow would go for like the quick laugh. Slap him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, slap him. And do a buck tooth face with his tongue sticking out. And it was like a lesson in two forms of comedy. It was you ever afraid when these guys age that they'll be having some sort of a seizure. It's just like that show. And it's just, he's drooling, don't commit like this. We're just out of arrest. Well, two comedians died, Dick Sean.

That's right. And Park Your Carcass. And the audience laughed and applauded when they dropped dead. Well, Park Your Carcass, who was Albert Brooks's father. And Super Dave, Dave. Didn't he die at a roast? At a Fryer's roast? Yeah, I think he sat down in his seat.

Yeah, Lucy and Desi. Yeah, he sat down in his seat. Arnaz and Ball in success. Put his head down really quick. Like, and they thought, oh, he's playing it. Yeah, he's so funny. That's how you're going to go, the middle one of the podcasts. Craig will keep talking.

And Dick Shaw. That's not a problem. We'll just applaud. We'll be two guests in. Does Gilbert smell funny? It's a bit of it. The smell keeps getting a little bit more tart. You said you had spoken about fighting with Norman Mailer.

I met Norman Mailer. I don't know who in your press office came into a fight. I don't know what kind of... We got bad info from Pete the shit out of him later. Well, he knew a lot about boxing. He was the one who was talking about how fighters, once they, if they killed someone... Yes, yes.

Norman Mailer was there. that was truly exciting. And that was a moment where I wish I read. You know, you're sitting there going Norman Mailer, and everybody's like, Mormon Mailers are like, I'm in the movie and he knows about fun. He's going to talk to me, and I wish I had read anything he'd done. I wish Gilbert had read the notes.

Yes. Oh, yeah, but that's the charm. That's the charm. No, you guys have a Dean and Jerry thing. Not Lewis and Martin. Thank you. Dean Jones. Different people who happen to be named.

Dean Jones and Jerry Van Dyke. And Jerry, they've never met and there's no chemistry. But you're them. He's Dean Stockwell. Dean Stockwell. Dean Stockwell with Jerry Houser. Jerry Colonna. Yes.

Jerry Colonna. It's a possibility. What if they got together? Nothing? Let's go. Now, but Braddock and Bayer became friends. Well, yeah, there are pictures of them together at fights. You know, they would go and they'd hang out with each of them.

So that's why it's there's not going to be I guess Cinderella man too. Yeah. You can't do it without Harold Ramis. Yeah. I agree. I hear Murray's interesting. I agree. Okay.

Now is Russell Crow as big a prick as he's made out to be in the press? He is a, I'll tell you something about Russell Crow. You're a devil. I'll tell you something about Russell Crow. There are actors, there are actors who I believe they subconsciously superheat the environment that they're working. and I'm not even kidding. I'm not joking. And they kind of create an atmosphere that feeds the movie, and that's what it was.

There was a, he was never outright, you know, any, he was, it was a, it was a very tense environment. And it was like, I would walk in and there'd be tension and be like, what, what cologne do I have on? There's tension. But it was, it was a natural tension. I never met him in any other circumstance. I'm sure if we were, listen, maybe if we do an Apollo. 12 movie. And we have to be stuck in a capsule together and counting on each other. He'd be a best friend. I'd be like, Russell, you gotta stop calling. And it'd be like, Newhart and

Riggles. And I'd be like, I don't want to travel with you. The Sunshine Boys together. Yeah. We'll do the Sunshine Boys together. We'll do the sunshine boys. We'll do the female outcome. But I, but it was 10. Also, it just fed the movie. It was, it was not without its challenges, but I also, it's the first time I'd ever been, I'd ever spent that much time next to somebody who's a really huge star. And I'm talking about somebody who

they've got to build a little tunnel from the trailer to the auditorium where we're shooting because there's that many people hiding to take picture. Like I've never had to deal with that and I would imagine if I did be a little on edge.

You know? And I have, I've dealt with so little of that but there were times I was like, not now! And the woman at Starbucks would go, I just am handing you coffee. I'm just a person. I can't go to the mall.

You know, I have to deal with that. I can't go to the mall because by the time I catch up to everybody, I explain who I am, all the shops are closed. You know what it is? That kind of fame? That's what I have. Tell me again, because no, it's not the God. Was he not trying to create attention because of your characters?

I don't know because we never sat down. And he said, listen, this was, there was in a moment like that. But, you know, I walked out of there, and there was some interview where I said, because I think he had turned 40, and I was like the person who, you know, wasn't invited, I thought, oh, this is a thing. And he saw that, he was like, you know, he's imagining it,

which maybe I was. Maybe he is one of those actors who, because I happen to think that someone like Pacino or Brando or Russell Crowe, any of these people, it doesn't, they're just good actors. It's the way they're, that life coughed them up good actors. And some of them, like, even if I just don't buy that the studio made Pacino

Pacino. I think the studio probably maybe helped him along or buffed some raw edges but I think basically acting studios and teachers are bit of a sham. Interesting. They can not all the way, they're very, very helpful but the studio taking credit

for a whole group of people. You know, I just don't buy it. I think they're... When I went to acting school and I went to Northwestern and I went went in and the people who were good on the first day, who were the people who were good on the last day, and the people who were terrible, worked harder than anybody else, and they were terrible. But I've made it despite how bad I am.

You don't have great respect for acting schools then. I have respect for great acting teachers. I think that's credible. I think that's true. And there are, and acting coaches. But an acting school where you go in for four years and you study, you study. acting. I just looking back on it, and I can only

look at it subjectively, is I don't know. I, I you went to college, that's what you did where I grew up. You went to college, but everybody else, well, originally I went to journalism because I was scared to going to acting and I thought, I'll do the news. That's, that's in front of a camera. That's how stupid. I see.

I was. We interviewed Larry Storch from after group. The actor? Yeah, the actor. And Larry Storch said he was friends with Buddy Hackett, the actor. Is this going so badly that you're actually... Yeah, he's bringing back old episodes. You're just showing clips from past shows?

You can't afford the clips, or you're just going to talk? Yeah. Tell the same story. So Larry Stewart said he asked Buddy Hackett. He said to Buddy Hackett, the comedian, that he was thinking of taking acting lessons. And Buddy Hackett said to him, taking acting like he kind of like. learning how to drive in a garage. It's just, I like that.

The first show I ever did was the show called Our House. With Wilford Brimley. Jesus, you're a freak. How do you know that? I do research. Does he have diabetes, Wilford Brimel? I don't care. I don't care.

Because in the commercial, he claims he does. Okay. You're stopping your own show. No, I don't care. The podcast, arguably, is, you know, you've stopped it. you know, but you're stopping within a stop. Just let me help you. Let me help you.

It's too late. Do you know who I almost am? Let me help you, help you. It was the first show I ever did, and I played opposite, Bill Huddleston. Bill Huddleston. Did I come up with a reference? I know, wait a minute. I know David Huddleston.

We're talking about David Huddleston? Oh, I was wrong, David Huddleston. David Huddleston from Blazing Saddles? Yes, God damn it. Oh, I was going to be, I was going to be like the big Lebowski. Oh, sure. shut up. Anyway, David Huddleston.

He played my father in this episode. Don't mess with me, Björch. I won't mess with you. That was a knife fight and I lost. I had cocky. And I deserved this cut. I deserve the cut. Yeah.

He's a cut man. I'll suture it myself. David Haldleston. Big fan. Yes. And he's, and very, very good. And I'm from between scenes and I'm talking to Jeffrey with a G. Huddleston.

No. Bill Housson. And he told me a story. I asked him about, where did you study? Some stupid question like that. He said, is method what do you think of me he goes i'll tell you about method method method is standing in a charcoal gray suit in a rainstorm while you

i'll start the story again did we're going to fully that out you can't fully over gold no i'm getting it okay okay all right okay so uh so so he says i'll tell you what the method method is like standing in a charcoal gray suit in the middle of a rainstorm while you're pissing in your pants nice, warm feeling inside, nobody knows what the fuck you're doing. That's the greatest Michael Huddleston imitation. Michael Huddleston, yeah. I heard James Cagney had said that exact same thing.

Maybe he was quoting James Cagney. So this huddleston was a fucking lying. Huddleston. Get his name right. He's one of the band's most important. Huddleskin was a lying fucking prick, and James Cagney said it first. I still haven't finished the Bishop Sheen. I don't care.

Let's go back to Wilford Brickson. We haven't even turn the mics on, as Gilbert likes to say. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Go back to Wilford Brimley. You did our house. And he had diabetes or you lied about having diabetes. You joke, but I don't care. Okay.

I don't care. And didn't you go back to working in a restaurant after you did our house and you were... Our house. You were afraid of something. Yes, yes. Well, I did the episode of Our House in it was 1988. before the war, turn of the century. Gasoline-powered car.

Yes. Telephones. On walls. And the writer's strike. Do you remember the writer's strike? Were you in show business? We had a writer's strike, and everything shut down. You realize, oh, there's no reason for Los Angeles to exist,

because if show business shuts down, then nobody's sending flowers, nobody's riding limousines. Nobody's doing anything. It's just rows of houses and apartments of actors jacking off. And that's all it is. One big booth. I do that with or without a strike. You've always been at home.

You've always been at home. And so I decided, well, I went back to, uh, what'd you say? He's cross picket lines to do it while he's doing it while he's doing it. And gotten off on it. They have a big, he seeks out certain picket lines. Sometimes when I'm jerky. off, there's a big inflatable rat outside of the house.

And that's how you know, I'm jerking up. When you see the large mechanical inflatable. You know, you joke. It's self-deprecating, and everybody loves self-deprecating, but you were wonderful as that character. The big air-filled rat, what movie was that? What was that? The kids love

that movie, but the parents like it to, because it makes points that are prescient. Did you ever fuck Wilford Burr? When was I not Bucking Wilford Brimley? So back to... I mean, he was, he was, you know, what,

now Wilford Brimley won't do the show. She, she was, she was, she was welcoming and distant. That was her charm. So back to the Our House story, real quick. Yes. So I had done one episode of a show and I, and then the writer strike hit,

I came back home and I, and I'm living at home with my mother, which is so funny because I've come such a long way, because now I'm 50, and I'm living at home with my mother. But I had to get a job. So I worked at the American Festival Cafe, which is what happens to the ice rink when people aren't skating.

They put the thing down. Oh, 30 Rock. And tourists come. Spend a lot of money for a club sandwich, and because they're tourists and they'll ever see you again, you don't get tipped. And so you've been trying to communicate what a club sandwich is to some German person, and then sweating your face off,

running back and forth with a guy in the kitchen, when do you take it all with all french fries? You fuck! You fuck! And then running back out and going, fries are coming, and they're going, close, gross, gross! And then they leave, and you get no money, and you're depressed. And I thought, I look like an idiot,

and everybody's, it's that guy from that episode of Our House. That was my fear. Somebody was going to have seen Our House and recognized you. Didn't happen. It wasn't a problem. But I was, I was, I was 22, and I thought, well, it's over. I peaked. I'm not even going to get like a Jack Palance Westerns and Europe phase.

No, Leonie's not going to call. I just got a plane ride home. I got kicked out of show of business, and I'm giving German people club soon. Who are you? I know you're from somewhere. Now, you are in an absolutely horrible movie. Oh, I was working?

Written by Larry David. You didn't, now, you thought that was horrible? I thought it was horrible. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Why did you think it was horrible? It wasn't funny. Oh, I don't, was that me? Suck to high heaven.

Hey, Larry. Yes. He said his ears were burning. That's right, yeah, I'm talking to Frank Santo Padre. He finished the name when I said it. Frank Santero Padre and Gilbert Godfrey. Godfrey. No, two T's.

Comedian. Came up with him. The improv, right? He's written for him. Were you the improv or were you, you know, the comic dent? Which one were you? What camp were you? Anyway, the phone bit's over.

Okay. That's my brother. You've both had Larry David write for you. He wrote a pilot for Gilby. I was in a pilot called Norman's Corner. Oh, okay. It's almost as funny as sour grapes. Well, I'll tell you this.

If sour grapes, I agree that sour grapes kind of missed. Weber and I were like This is going to be like the producers Buckle up Yeah Buckle up And whenever You know

Because this is You know Get it Get all the mole walking in now Because those days aren't gone You are never going to walk in that movie There's some good moments Can we use that on the one sheet?

Yeah take it They have their moments But you know what When I read the script And if you read the script It's laughing There was a giant funny on every page. Somewhere in the cooking.

And I lack the self, the ability to look at myself to blame myself. So it can't be me. Two very funny guys, you and Stephen. I don't know what it was. You know, I do know he directed it. And there were, you know, maybe he shouldn't have directed it. I don't know. I don't tell this story, but that, and I don't remember his name,

but he did tell me that he chose the cinematographer. He interviewed a lot of people and chose the cinematographer because he was the the shortest one and felt he could lord over him. That's a good reason. Also, after the first day of shooting, he sat down with me alone. He went, listen, and I didn't, oh, God, I'm fired. He went, listen, I'm going to start chewing with my mouth closed because I'm 50. What the fuck is this?

I still chew with my mouth open. Look, and he did. And that was what he wanted to talk to me about. And he was 50, and I'm 50 now. And you know what? He had created Seinfeld, and I'm living with my mother. So there's that. Speaking of Larry David, you made another film that Larry David was in.

You were in the Three Stooges for the Farley brothers. Yes. What would you like to say about that film? Well, first of all, I enjoyed the movie very much. I thought if you're going to, I don't know about recreating something like the Three Stooges. Well, Gilby and I talk about that movie. I mean, the three guys were great. They were amazing.

I don't know. It's hard to see. I saw it once. I saw it out of context and I saw it on opening day, which bumps it up. You see something, the premiere, you see something with the premiere. You see something with the premiere. It's already like 40% better because everybody's like this. Yeah, good, good.

And I remember enjoying it, but I do remember when I walked on the set, I knew Sean, but I didn't know the other two guys. And they said, when you walk on the set, it's going to. to freak you out. And I went, okay, that's a cute thing to say. I'll remember that for when I do Cavett. Yeah. Or this good panel. It's a good panel. But listen, I walked on the set, and they were just guys dressed as the three-shoes, and they snapped. They've been working together for a couple weeks before the movie started. They went into it, and I was taken aback. And when you're, and I don't mean taking a back, like taking a back. I mean, like, when you were literally taken a back, when you're literally taken about it,

and you take a step back. That's what I took a step back. I was taken a back. Yeah. And it was really, really weird. I know Will Sassau, who played Curley,

uh, said, um, he, he, he, he, he just imagined curly,

like working a marionette. He said it was very clear. He's never ever done that before. Uh, it was strange. I don't, I never really talked to them about it. I just thought,

that's, I'm not a huge, huge, I was more of a Marks Brothers guy, but I loved the three users and I was very, very aware of them and you know I was I stayed at home and watched television that's all I did as a kid and I was I knew the and they had it down the three guys were were they were amazing I just think making a movie about something that's already burned it's it is sort of like if you recast blazing

saddles and just said we're gonna do but you'd be like first of all you'd be like why it was a tall order it's got those guys but it was done with a lot of love I think they, you know, listen, nobody sets out to make something. But I remember we were, you were the heavy. I don't, you know, even when we made sour grapes, there's some things that just don't cook. But everybody is there and everybody's scared. And Larry David, I mean, I think it's pretty obvious. I'm sure he's very happy to be the wealthiest man in the world.

But I think what he really cares about is the next thing he does that it's funny, that he's doing that he loves that. And so there was no. cockiness and he was working very hard and, you know, it just didn't cook. For some reason, it didn't cook right. But I don't know why. But the script, I mean, I don't give you the script. The script is laugh out loud funny. I would like to read it.

And I hope he makes another feature. Yeah, I didn't like the three stooges movie. I know. Yeah. I'm getting that. Yeah. You know, can I tell you something that I was going to be my guest? Okay.

I'm sorry, I brought it up. No, no, you're not. This is that kind of show. Yeah, yeah. This is the kind of, this is what he would have preferred it with Sean Penn in the Larry part, I think. Yeah, it was originally going to be made with Sean Penn. Funny. Yeah.

Sean Penn as Larry. Funny. Go ahead. Who else? Benicio del Toro as Moe. Doesn't get funnier. And Jim Carrey as curly. The thinnest man in the world.

They're in tall. Yes. And funny. And angry people. Yeah. I thought. They smoke. I thought.

angry. It would have worked that way. It's just like the weirdest film ever made type of thing. It's like a wood production. Yes, yes. Well, that, yes. Just recasting it and reshooting it, that's,

that would be entertaining. I wish they would do that with certain movies. Yeah. You know, it would be great to see something like, you know, the swarm. And just the show business was just if the swarm, which is, what a reference. The swarm, which is, you remember the swarm even as a little kid.

Michael Kay. You're like, I think they're just blowing they're just blowing styrofoam black chips that don't even look like they're flying it's just chunks of chips that just

it looked like they made dots on the film like with a pen right they just had someone shooting over they had someone

put ink in their mouth and spit it on each frame of film I think it was I don't know but it doesn't look like a swarm of anything and I've never seen

a swarm of anything but you looked at and goes I'll tell you what a swarm looks like not that because it was just they would go

But an All-Star cast. Any time you saw the moving, they would arc and then shoot towards the ground. And it sounded like some guy in a mic going, zzzzz. Well, that was Henry Fonda. That was towards the end. He was just passing gas. It was his colossamy bag in a tiny little hole in the swarm.

You're right. Yeah. Just awful. Catherine Ross. And it was just ladies and gentlemen, bees and people who aren't dead yet. Like, we didn't have the love boat. They were like, we need to keep these people walking. Just keep them walking.

Is she in that or am I thinking of the airport? Gloria Swanson turns up and or a little to Havalin. One of them is in the swarm. I have to look it up. On the airplane movies. The airport movies. They're not. Do you know that airplane wasn't a, it wasn't a parody of those airport movies?

It was a parody of Zero Hour. Yeah, yes. I remember. Let me say one thing that you don't know. Yeah, go ahead. Hey, I got my mother's listening to this. No, I remember catching Zero Hour on the line. late show and it really is the exact same script.

Yes. Even the fish, they're poisoned by the fish. Yes. And I gave up the wrong day to quit smoking. That's hilarious. You know what I've been looking for and I can't find anywhere is, and I, and I did scary movie four, not the stage production. I get the movie.

I was there. I saw Glenn Ford do the original stage. the one with Surrey in the television. And a sex kitten named Lee Grant. It was her opening night. She bowed Broadway. Lee Grant was in the swarm. Was she?

She was. I was in love with her and Airport 77. The movie, I don't know who did the play. But I saw Airport 77 with Lee Grant. I thought, that woman's sexy. And that was like the original milf. I just thought she was beautiful. It's all sexy.

That's the one with Jack Lemon and Jimy's stash. Yeah. He had marital problems and then he ended up in a plane underwater. That's the message. Now, the funny thing with airplane, it's based on a film nobody. Zero hour. Which if you watch, you're like, it's as funny as airplane. Yeah.

And it's based on a film nobody has to know about zero hour to laugh at airplane. And yet everyone trying to do a satire after airplane, they want to make it exactly like a movie everybody knows about. Yes. I don't know how that. Have you ever worked with him? The Zucker brother. Of course not.

But they are top of the line. So let me show, no. But they had like a Bible. And they, of this comic Bible, which is basically the rules. And all the movies that copy that, you know, like the Exorcist, like all that. They, and even the ones that Leslie Nielsen did. Like, they had these rules about jokes that you're like, oh, that's right. But these other movies, you can see them breaking it left and right.

Like, you know, if there's a joke, if two people are talking in the foreground and something stupid's happening in the background, They had rules, you know, you can't, they can't be talking about anything that moves the plot along, obviously, because the idea is they got to be looking at this thing. So you have to just have chatter that no funny names. Oh, yeah. Well, that was all kinds of stuff like that, but there was stuff that was more complicated. That was one of Lauren Michaels rules when they launched Saturday Night Live. They called it the Walter Crank Case School of Comedy. No funny, no funny names of, you know, the news anchor doesn't come on.

Big Wigs, funny glasses. Right, right, right. These satires used to hire Leslie Nielsen figure, well, we'll hire Leslie Neal, so we'll make it a parody. Right. Repossessed. They did the exorcist. Oh, horrible.

Yeah. Horrible. Oh, and he was in one called a 2001 space travesty. Yeah. Horrible. Well, the one for Brooke. The Brooks one isn't any good either. The Dracula dead and loving it.

I mean, airplane is such a funny title because it's so, it's such a secretly awkward word for the title of it. It's close to airport. but airplane sounds so stupid for some reason. And they started doing stuff in these satires where they'll go, well, we'll dress someone up like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. We'll make it look like he's on the Titanic. And everyone will laugh because they saw the Titanic.

And that's what we did. Just go see the Titanic. Yeah. There was a moment in Titanic. I saw Titanic with a buddy of mine, opening day with the Ziegfield packed. and everybody's screaming and I thought

everybody was having the reaction I was which is the boat sinking he just grabbed a hose he grabbed a fire hose and he's going to fight water with water yeah that's what I said and everybody's screaming laughing and I just assumed fighting what is this

ridiculous and the person who was in front of us turned around said I hope you're satisfied you ruined this movie for us I ruined the actual Titanic disaster listen this is one movie I didn't ruin I'm not in that movie. I didn't. I'm not in that. He said, no, you're talking, making smart remarks.

I said, somebody making smart remarks. Somebody. And everybody was like, yeah, why are you, why were you making jokes? The boat was sinking. The boat was sinking. These two people were in love. And I was like, oh, my God. I felt like I was in like the planet of the apes. I really was looking around going, so they're all apes.

They're all apes. They're all apes. I was hoping that two of them were. And I think he's an unbelievably talented director. Now let me finish. Cameron. James Cameron. And easy to work for it.

Actually, stunning to look at, unbelievable to look at, and Terminator 2, the movie. Hey, you just set a punchline of an old show business joke. Two agents are talking. Yes. Yeah. Which is great. So now you're going to tell the joke. Drive the three people who are listening further away from their podcast machine or whatever the fuck you listen.

But they only had dials to turn down. No, I'm tired of listening to you. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something that your wife loves you very much, and there's no such thing as a podcast, and these are made of chocolate? Do you understand that nobody's hearing this? And that your parents pay her a lot of money to keep you off the ledge, that that's what's happening. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Tell me the setup. Jesus. What's the joke? Two agents or two producers are talking. One says the other, you know who's the biggest bitch in Hollywood? with Meryl Streep. Merrill Streep has no talent. She's mean.

She's stupid. She even smells bad. And she fucks everyone in town. And the other one says, hey, Merrill Streep's my sister. And the other guy says, let me finish. You know why you're a genius?

Can I, may I? And I don't normally. And people throw that term around. And I'm one of them. Not me. And I'm certainly throwing it around now. Now, you're a genius because even though people saw the punchline coming, as far as you know, they stuck around to listen to you, tell that joke. And that's why you're a genius.

And I'm throwing that term around just like anybody. Oh, God. Do you want to talk about the Music Man or the Or Lost at Regal? I was never heard of. No, no, no, no. Oh, you. Yeah, yeah. What would you like to talk about with the time that we have left?

That between the Music Man and the Cinderella Man, that's the two of the gayest sounding superheroes I've ever heard of. And I'm not even clear what either of their powers are. What are you doing? Oh, look at this list of names. I'm going to take this card. Gilbert's going to ask you. Here, Gilbert. We're going to ask you about working with some of these people.

Podcasting. Go ahead. All right. What was it like working with or fucking damn thing? We'd have a lot of time. So try to condense it. Learning. Learning.

Go ahead. Learning, gentle, gentle yet firm, learning. A discipline. Discipline administered over long, long, slow, aching yet hygienic experience. Yeah, go ahead. Next name. What was it like working with or eating out Larry David's asshole? We can cut out that last part.

What? I stole that, Gresher from 60 minutes. Yeah. We covered Larry. We covered Larry David. We covered Larry David. And he's, by the way, he's a genius. And people throw that term around, and I'm throwing it around.

He's genius. You should go see his play. Fish in the dark. She plays live on stage. Give Larry a plug. Yeah. Okay. What was like getting out Bob Newhart's asshole?

Now she is, when she came up, now she came up with Don Rickles. Now those two were like, it was like, they were roommates. They had a little. They had a little, they lived in the village, and they had a little, you know, and they'd go out, and they'd go to parties to be seen. You were in Newhart. Yes. Oh, God, constantly. Yeah.

Constantly. Well, it was all about, you know, we didn't have anything to talk about. And I realized, you're not talking about. Why are you always on the phone, you never talk to me? And he's working. He said, I'm working on material, but he didn't have a co-writer. I said, that's funny. He said, okay. And then. I heard that.

He stole it from Shelley Berman. Is that what you're going to go there? Oh, I knew he was going to go there. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, Shelly Berman was angry at Bob Nehawt. Perth, yeah. Which is kind of funny when you say, people talking on phones. George.

That's what I, that's. And Georgie Jessel used to do that thing. They did it first. Hello, Mama. This is Johnny. But they didn't have phones. Yeah, yeah, you're, your son, the one that's in your chair. Did you ever address it?

Do you ever address it? No, no. I'll ask him about it at dinner. I'm not clear of it. Got that. Go ahead. Do you remember George Jessel's big hit song? That was one of the albums that I was thinking of giving you.

Oh! One bright and shiny light that taught me run from bright. I found it in mind. The strange old white with gold in mind. My Bring Sprach

Oh, We should point out that Craig brought a gift He's one of the only guests That actually brought you a gift Milt Cayman And then left Brought you brought you a Milt Kaman album

Let's ask quickly about the music Man since you're talking about music Meredith Wilson's music man And you told me once that you had to audition for Meredith Wilson's widow That's right To get the part And what was that like

Because you were going to be Have you ever seen Nunnfuckers 3? Because you were going to be Catholic, this time we're Catholican. You were going to be compared to Preston, no matter what you did. Yeah. Because that's the, man, and it's such an iconic part. I was, can I tell you something honestly?

First of all, she was formidable. And I had, yes, I had to fly out to Los Angeles. She pulled up in a, she was being driven in a Rolls-Royce and just sat down with her prim little Nancy Reagan suit and went, okay. And I sat there in a rehearsal room, and I went, so she, and I said, I don't know why I did this, but I guess I needed to, I, listen, I need to control this room, and I'm, so I just said, this is from Pippin.

And I started singing Corner of the Sky. And this was not an ironic lady. She just was staring at me, but I, that was what I did. And I just, I just, for some reason, I was like, I own the room. So I just did what I did. And I, you know what, I was ready at eight. I listened to that album over and over and over again. and I was ready to go at eight.

I learned the lines because I needed to learn the lines. But every song I had in my head. And there was a lot, you know, like, my timbre was like, the way I auditioned was the way I did it pretty much. And there was always a little bit of pressing in the bigger performance. And there was a part of me that went, I wonder if I should break up and do the, you know, do, just make,

and I thought, why? Like, this is the way I, this is why I love it so much. This is kind of what he made right choices. I don't need to go left just because it's better to, you know. So, but you also can't, you can't imitate through a show. You can't do that. You have to connect. So the most important thing was I didn't think about what it said.

I sang it and that's what came out. If I sang a Vietal song, I'd probably sound, I'd sing it like Paul McCartney. It wouldn't be the first time I, it would be very sad to hear me trying to do that. but that's the way people know the music. They love, you can't separate it. So what I knew what I had to do, and I know for a fact the reason I got it was you have to put, you have to ground the character

and they really have to be in this situation. The show doesn't work if it's just a collection of really great songs. It has to be, if this guy doesn't take, go with this girl, If he doesn't realize that he's a snake, they're both going to spin into space forever. They're going to just be lonely for the rest of their lives. If you don't actually create that, and Rebecca Luker played Marion, she was brilliant. And if you don't have that connection and that isn't at stake, people won't watch it and it won't do well. And I think the reason the show was good was because Susan Stroman was, she directed the show very well.

She didn't like reinvent it, which they've done on Broadway, which is almost always a mistake. and terrible. But she did the show. It was very clear. It said you can't wink at the audience. That's in the script. You can't be, you can't be Chevy Chase doing this. It has to be, you have to play it for real. And also, something had happened in her life. Her husband was supposed to direct it, and he passed away. And she mourned it, and she's within the year, took it over. And one of the most amazing things I've ever seen was she was directing Rebecca Luker. You know that song, good night, my son won good night. That song. And

it was just Rebecca and she and me in the room and Rebecca was singing the song and Susan Stroman just stood up and said, will you excuse me for a second? Went outside, came back ten minutes later. Eyes were beat red and she went, I apologize, continue. And I thought, shit, I'll never, I can't fuck off at all. I can't screw around. She just lost, she's mourning her husband. This song is just about

one day I'll find the person. She did. He died. She's heartbroken and directing and working. I have got nothing to complain about whatever, I better, I better bring it. You're good in the part. Thank you. Thank you.

That's all? That's it. You were great in the part. You were great in the part. I came all the way from Austin. Yeah, yes. I don't care for anything. No, I know.

You didn't hear any of that story. You know you snore? No, I would say. Listen to the story when you, if you, do you listen to the podcast? I don't recommend it. But if you listen to the podcast, if you ever do have trouble sleeping, what you clearly don't, listen to the podcast. You snore through the whole thing.

It's okay. I learned to talk around it. We're going to wrap it up. Okay, we're going to wrap it up. But before we go... Let's start. I have to ask you about bathing with Bierko and John Malkovich, which I'm going to say to our listeners, you can find online, look for it.

It's hilarious. How come you only did one episode? And how did you get John Malkovich to sit in a bathtub? Well, that I can't... That I can tell you that we shared an agent. Oh, and that was a note. We shared an Asian. No, we shared an agent and the agent said,

how about John Malcovic for this thing bathing with beer? Because it was just an idea I had. And I'd been walking around with this idea for years. And I just thought, well, let's do it. And I told my agent, she said, what about John Malcovic? And I went, she said, I'll call him. He's interested. He'll talk to you.

You go to the hotel. And I was like, what? And I thought, I don't know, like a birthday coming up. What is this? So I go over there, and it's John, it's John Malkovich. And I explain. He said, so what is this? I said, and I was very aware, I'm in a room with John Malcovic.

This is my opportunity to work with him, and I'm about to say this. We're going to be in a bathtub, and I'm going to bathe you and ask you questions. It'll be like Charlie Rose, except of, instead of a wooden table, it's a bath, as though talk shows are done, will never talk about the fact that I'm bathing you, and I'll just ask you questions. And he went, okay. And I went, let me say it again. I want to have said it again, because eventually I would be bathing you, and I don't want to bathe you and have you go, why are you bathing me? And I explained it again. He goes,

yeah, I'll do it. And he showed up, we shot at a Carrie Fisher's house. Yes, that Carrie Fisher. Go full circle. I didn't. I did not. And the bathroom was actually, if there was ever a bathroom where they should shoot a TV show, it had like a big floor room for cameras and there was a piano on the side. If you wanted to have Paul Schaefer, if we ever did. But anyway, we shot it, it, we shot for about an hour, we cut it down to about two minutes. And it's, and it's, you know, It's so weird, and I didn't even understand. It's hilarious. I was like, why is it funny?

It's not, and we shot a second one with Richard Dreyfus. So a second one exists. Called me while I was driving. I almost drove off the 405. Wow. He scared the shit out of me. Richard Dreyfus. And I was like, Jesus Christ.

And he said, I'd like to do the show. He goes, now I'm not going to take my shirt off. And I went, well, I'm like, production problems. I'm going head to head. Why would he be in a bathtub without his shirt off? Yeah, that's exactly. I said, well, the whole thing is like, it's, and, so we got him there

and the guy who I was working with this guy Rob Cohen said the Jew Rob Cohen said Rob Cohen said let just it's like it's like porn you get him just get the girl to Tarzana and into the hotel room we'll get the shirt

I don't even know what that meant I don't even know what that meant I have a feeling so we got there now Dreyfus is there with his wife and his daughter now I'm in a bath with Richard Drifus between my legs and his daughter and his wife are going

take your shirt off. He's like I don't want to take my shirt off and I just thought well this is nothing else is a unique moment and the show was funnier than the first episode but the show but that show I didn't Rob the the other guy said let's just show

it anyway and I said it's funny because we had all you know he was he had mashed potatoes and he was building mashed potatoes oh you did a close account everything he did everything we had I asked him to do a scene from Jaws, and that's not a boating accent. I said, but that's not the way you did it. He goes, that's the way I did.

I said, it's not as good. And we had all the great stuff. I said, you were good in the movie. It just sounds like you're some idiot in a bathtub. Do it, do it. And he was so funny, he was so game. But he had the shirt up. And I realized, oh, the whole thing is just, it's awkwardness.

It's just complete awkwardness. And it just, I just thought, I want to do it one day, but it has to be two guys in a bath. I think Gilbert will do it, will you? You know what? And that's the other. other thing is we realize that the show, that it can't be somebody who would do something. Oh, it can't be somebody funny. Gilbert, first of all, Gilbert, I guess because you would never be invited to do something like that.

That's an argument. You could go that way. No, no, no. You know, well, listen. Well, you know, there, there, too gets back to those how, like, in the airplane movies. Yeah. They, I think the studio said, oh, well, hire a bunch of comedians. Yeah, that's why.

And they said, no, we want like these hats. Isn't it amazing how you're like, oh, Jesus, every cliche down the line is true. You just said that. One person even said, why don't you just put like soap suds all over it? Oh, yeah, yeah. And I was like, because that's why about underwear with hearts on it? They're like, yeah, yeah. Funny underwear.

Play it funny. So if we come to your apartment, there is footage of you in the bathtub with Richard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's invitation only stuff. But I do want to do the show. They still ask about it. There's a way that I want to do it. But the dream guest is like Kissinger.

Oh, yes. You know who was going to do it? And I'm saying this to shame him because he backed out. Was, oh, shit. Oh, shit, why I'm ever put the satanic verses? Salman Rushdie. He's the nicest guy in the world. And a friend of Carrie Fisher's, yes, that Carrie Fisher.

Who are you fucked? I did not. but Salmon Rushdie Yes Jennifer Aniston Salman Rushdie but not the one you're thinking of Did The

He was going to do it Did you fuck Mama Cash You're not interested That I was going to bathe Salman Rushdie Is that at this kind of show? Don't mention writers Oh God Cass his ass

That's what he used to call You're going to the cast party Yes Like an awning Did you go down It was like a way It was like a Did you ever go down on Thelma Ritter

Yeah and you know what That's why it was like a parking garage down there. I'm going to plug bathing with Beirico. Look for it online. It's brilliant. And I hope you do another one. Thank you so much. Thank you. Did Weezy from the Jeffersons

ever blow you? Well, define ever. And that's gold. You want to cut it there? You want to do a little... Oh, God. Come on. Okay. All right. We're going to do what we should have done an hour ago. Wrap this episode up.

There's so much we could talk to you about. Do you ever walk around and go, this interests me, because when I turned 50, which is... But do you ever walk around? Like, I remember looking at people when they were like, I don't know, 75. I go,

why don't people, like, do you ever walk around? As I get older, I think, oh, if I, now I'm the age where if I have a heart attack, people would be disappointed. They go, oh, but no would be a surprise. No one would be surprised.

Like a heart attack. Like, the older you get, and then it's like, oh, well, he was 50. Listen, you know, he must not have been taken care. Maybe he got a little... Do you know what I mean? Like, the older... Do you have not?

I just, I just, how to be... 80-year-old people walk around going, Jesus! I just go, what's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? Is this it? Is this it? It's kind of like when you watch comedians get older, like when the three stooges would slap each other and you go, easy, easy. Oh, Jesus, you're going to hurt them.

I broke my wrist. Curly already had a stroke. They're poking each other with their wrists. Yes. By hitting him. You're stabbing me with your wrist. Also, my friend, You have a charity that is very close to your heart. Yes.

We'd like to talk about. Yes. Great choice of words. The pioneers of the first infant heart transplant, baby and baby baby with the baboon heart, all that. Really? That was Loma Linda University Children's Hospital, and I visited there, amazing people, and I just want to give them a plug because they don't ever turn away a child in need,

and they can always use the money. So if you want to text kids, K-I-D-S, at two-st. 2772. They will deduct $10 from your phone bill, and it will go straight. All that money goes to keeping Loma Linda University Children's Hospital open, and they're amazing people. Please do that. Terrific. Loma Linda Children's Hospital.

Kids 27722. All right then, what's your favorite gag in airplane? And then I'll ask Gilbert. Favorite physical gag or line? Oh, that's a tough one. I don't know. I'd say one, and then on the train, I'd go, Fuck!

Pick one. Why didn't it's the guy waiting in the cab? Why was it just the guy waiting in the cab? I should have said that. What kind of idiot says, you know? I don't know. I don't remember. I remember watching the movie.

I remember, like, very clearly. Like, I remember watching it and I couldn't breathe. And I remember I've never seen a movie where I'm laughing so hard. I can't breathe. Like, this is, this is the way people sound like on those comp, like 2,000-year-old man, when it sounds like women, when they're laughing like they're being stabbed. Yes. You can't tell the people.

Like that kind of. Nobody laughs like that anymore. You know, and that's another thing, getting back to how they wanted to hire comics instead. It's like they hired Leslie Nielsen, who would make those kind of movies in his day. And then Leslie Nielsen started to realize he was funny. And then he should never be doing those. Yeah. Kind of like when they did scary, they did the scary movies.

Like these were the guys, or David Zucker, and I was like, why are you hiring anybody that's funny? Like, I was mainly known for stuff that was. So maybe there was an argument for, like, nobody, you know, nobody watched any of the TV shows and they saw Cinderella, so you can do this. But they had funny, like, people who were known to be funny. And I just thought, or the guest stars, you know, like, the people who were, like, you know, visual jokes, you know. And I just thought, you know who I, like, who's an amazingly funny person, like Chris Elliott. Yes, hilarious. But he shouldn't be in the, because the minute you see him, you know he's funny.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why we're angry about this, though, we got angry. We're talking to someone today. This is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is shut the fuck up. This is, I want to end the show so badly.

I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santo Padre. We've been talking to someone who fucked Carrie Fisher. No, I didn't fuck Carrie. Oh, you blew Eddie Fish. No, I went fishing with Eddie Brack. Is it Brackett? Eddie Bracken? Yeah, that's it. You heard it and you mangled it up and scrambled it and

scrammed it and made it dirty. Don't be potty funny. Nobody needs you to work blue. Why do you just be you? People like you. They want to meet you. There's nothing in there. Would you like to say the guest name? Okay. Greg Bierko.

Yeah. Who is ashamed of his Jewish heritage? Now, come on, that's not incorrect. Come on. Thank you, Craig, for doing the show. It's your mother who was ashamed of her Jewish. My mother's going to be ashamed of everything after this. I hope she doesn't hear this.

Oh, God.