Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Rewind: Episode #53: Artie Lange

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

Gilbert and Frank take a day trip to the New Jersey home of comedian, actor and former Howard Stern sideman Artie Lange to bash “Godfather Part III,” to praise their favorite character actors (paging Philip Baker Hall!) and to celebrate the cinema of Sidney Lumet. Also, Artie disses Tom Cruise, dissects “Goodfellas” and dismisses “Mystery Men.” PLUS: Peter Ustinov! The genius of Tom Waits! Black Don Rickles! Charles Nelson Reilly offers batting tips! And Gilbert sings again! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. And this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santo, Padre, our guest this week is an actor, comedian, radio personality, and best-selling author. He's appeared in films like Dirty Work, The Bachelor, and Artie Lange Beer League. Oh, you've seen all of these. I'm sure. I'm sure everyone's going, oh, my God, I have a copy of that.

my book shelf now. I have the bachelor in a loop. On my television. On a second to go by, I've got one of those eyeglasses that lays a dirty work. And it goes, I hate that. You know how Michael Jackson had Liz Taylor movies

on a loop? Oh, yeah. A lot of construction workers have beer leaks. And he's also appeared on the Norm's show. It's still on, isn't it? Which I never saw. We're in our 38th season. Yeah. And he's got his own podcast, the Artie Quitter podcast, which isn't nearly as good as mine. But our old pal and top movie star, Artie Lai. Wow, that is about the sweetest introduction. Thank you so much. Yeah. Now, you're in that movie.

with David Spade, you pop. Lost and found. Where it's so obvious that. Yeah, I get a lot. David Spade is in a movie, like Spade in real life gets chicks because he's David Spade. He gets really hot chicks, and he's good with women and stuff. In that movie, he plays a guy who manages a restaurant, and at the end of the film, supposedly he gets Sophie Marceau, romanticly, the chick from Braille.

So it's basically science fiction. And I play a guy It's like a single white female joke I'm stalking him And I put a wig on me To look like Spade's hair And what we didn't realize The entire time

The critics were very quick to point It was it was right after Farley died And it just looked like I was trying to do a Chris Farley impression With a blonde wig And it was the most embarrassing, awkward thing And the reviews were not kind I've been in eight movies I've gotten a total of one star

Speaking of spade, already, didn't you cut him off in L.A. with your car? Yeah, one time I had a black El Dorado that I shipped out. It's called African American El Dorado, please. I had a colored Eldorado. Getting started early. When we at least agree upon Negro El Dorado? Just so we can. It was a Negro Eldorado.

dark skin and um with jersey plates an urban el dorado it had an urban flavor to it inner city

el dorado yes and i uh yeah and i had jersey plates and um so i looked like i was just like in the luchese family or something driving around beverly hills and i i cut spade off and he left me a nasty message uh i almost killed him and he left me a message saying that uh he was way more important show business than i

which was true. So I shouldn't... Yeah, a lot of fond memories. A lot of fond memories. Well, I'm sure, are you happy to see a Tracy Morgan guy? They settled the Walmart thing. No, I didn't hear it. They got settled today, speaking of African Americans, yeah.

Tracy Morgan got settled, and the other comics also got a big, big settlement. So apparently, Tracy Morgan pays you $20 million to open for him. Yeah. So how much? They didn't reveal the money. Boy, that must have been a shit long. Yeah, the one guy, I mean, you're talking about Walmart. Oh, my God.

It's just like, yeah, you know, just wiping off a knack for them. And here's something I've been talking to a few people about. Right. Was Tracy Moore, do you think Tracy Morgan was that seriously injured or was his lawyer saying stay out of the public? I think, I think, um, I think, um, I think Tracy Morgan. cookie. Yeah, right, exactly. They're not

we'll change. We're going to shoot them for all they've got. Thank you, sister. Shut up, mother.

The trick to money is diversification. The fortune cookie, Jack Lemon and the Walter Mouthton classic. That's another one I know by heart.

But yeah, I think it was a bit of both. I think Tracy is a ghetto guy who the greatest move ever was not going to the 40th anniversary of the S&L. What a great move that was.

I mean, he's got Alec Boyleman and Tina Fey saying he's too, he's not emotionally ready to come. I mean, that's something Tracy would have been. He was on that show 15 years. It would have been like the Oscars for him. But, I mean, once Walmart saw that, they were like, we got to settle. He didn't go to what would have been the biggest night of his life. Oh, yeah.

And I think, I don't know for sure, but I think Tracy probably could have made it. to the... I think he probably could have made it, you know... Yeah, they practically, the two of them, Faye and Baldwin, practically did an obituary. They did, yeah. You just got to play that tape for the Walmart lawyers.

It's like, okay. Okay, all right, Jesse, here's the check. Well, get out the checkbook. I don't want to see what you're writing. One time, I did stand up, me and David Tell did stand up on the first guy's choice awards for Spike TV, one of the biggest nights in show business.

And how did I not see that? It's the kind of night where Alan Covert gets, gets honored. And I, Tracy hosted the show. So he sees me and I tell you, he goes, you got to come to my after party. It's after after. You got to come to my after party into Roosevelt. We go to Hollywood, Roosevelt. Me and to tell, in an area of the side of this table, it was about 80s.

feet by four feet is Tracy Morgan, his agent, and 50 of his cousins. And we're roped off and we're literally like, it's like we're going to Auschwitz on a train. Only it was hotter. And Tracy's right in our face. And he looks at me and he goes, we in show business. I said, how you doing, man? He goes, I'm enjoying my sobriety. I said, how long you've been sober and he went eight days.

He had an ankle thing on. You know? But I think that's a good question, Gilbert. I think it was a bit of both. I'm glad he got paid. Fuck, I mean, look, when he got Saturday Night Live, I think he was living a block from Yankee Stadium, which is in February is not an ideal real estate.

I think he had 14 kids. So, you know, he was making money, but Walmart, you know, they should have paid up. But I think the greatest ghetto move ever was not going to that S&M. Oh, my God. I mean, I think he could have made it. He can't even put a tux on. I can't get my tucks.

I'm too emotionally. I'm emotionally disturbed. I can't feel my leg. My head. I can't feel my head. Right down why. I'm going to throw up. My grammar's off.

Ever since the accident, my grammars are. I'm not speaking properly. I can't pronounce things. Your Honor, my client can't pronounce it. I want 80 million. My pronunciation. Perfect. I used to sound like Mario Cuomo.

That's a new joke from my act. Listen, even Gilbert showed up, and he was in like nine episodes. I know, right. Of course, Gilbert was there. Tell already what Lord Michael said to you backstage. Oh, that's going to be great. Who are you? No, he's actually kind to him.

I'm sure he was. Yes. What did he say? He said, I can't pronounce. I'm not even honor of Tracy. They all spoke like that. Tracy, we're thinking of Tracy. Tracy's on our mind.

I'm Tacey Mogul. Tina Faye. Our names is polar. My fuck my head. God bless you. Yeah, not going to that. I can't even get my shoes on to go to 40th anniversary. That was a commercial for his lawsuit.

Baldwin and Tina Faye, two of the most beloved. Oh, yes. You would have, like, given your life savings for a commercial. What a move. The lawyer, he probably, you know, he's going, I'm going to that anniversary of the lawyers. Like, no, you're not. You're going to, you're going to the Malfi Coast. And so am I, jerk off.

Because here's what it said in the paper today. the guy who died, Jimmy Mac McNair, who I never met, he got 10 million, okay? And so he's dead. And it said in the paper that Artie Fouquod, the other guy who's a friend of mine, good kid, and God bless him, and now they're insanely rich, multiple of 10 million. They said multiples of that. God, I wish I was in that car. Me too.

Why couldn't I be African American on that tour? Because, you know, they said they didn't, they saw the accident coming. It was so horrific. They saw the accident coming and the next thing they knew they woke up. They didn't even feel anything. So they didn't even go through pain. Wow. We're just ruining their entire case.

Obviously, I don't know for sure, but I think it's a done deal. And they got paid. Well, you know, the guy wasn't drunk, but he did something wrong. I guess he was up for 48 straight hours. Yeah. That guy was up too long. My sense of equilibrium is off. Your functions is done.

I can't say. I've got no motorer functions. How many without any motor of functions? Mass of people talk ticks is damaged. I'm glad we got this chance to talk about some old movies. Before we do an entire Tracy Morgan show. We were talking about The Bachelor before. Gilbert.

Before we turn the mics on. The movie I did with Chris O'Donnell. Which is a remake of a Keaton. Remake of Bustard Keaton movie called Seven Brides. So instead of Buster Keaton, this generation got Chris O'Donnell. Who they call Stone Face as well for different reasons. They call Keaton the Great Stone Face. They call Chris the Great Stone Actor.

And I think I was supposed to play. I played Chris's best. Chris Farley. I play him in every. movie. I was supposed to play Chris O'Donnell. I play. His best friend since the first grade. It looks like I just put his cable in that morning.

He's like this rich wasby kid from the Midwest. I'm from North York. It looks like I literally am building a deck in his house. We just met. Oh, yeah. But you got to work with a couple of veterans. You got to work with Ed Asner. How Holbrooke and that, I'm telling you, man, and those two guys, I'm with

them the whole movie. Now, I heard that dirty work was a remake of Night at the Opera. Me and Norm played Zepo and Checo. Gubbo. I was Zepo. I think you had the Zig Ruman part.

The Ziggumann. I played Margaret Dumas. Oh, you are a movie part of if you know Sig Ruman is... Listen. We had Asner on the show a couple of weeks ago. Okay. So his career's going well.

Yeah. I used to be a, I was at the Radford lot with Mary Talimore and I'm on the fucking colossal podger. What the fuck is going on? Tell us a little bit about those guys. Well, okay. Ed Asner's supposed to be this insane liberal, you know. Oh, yeah. But my God, he spoke like a fucking James Cromwell, who was Stretch Cunningham.

Sure, sure. And the farmer from Babe. He plays a priest in it. So he's there, and he had just done a play with Gwen to the play with Gwen and Paltrow. So he tells Ed Asner that, in front of the, and Asner screamed, she's a fucking cunt. And Cromwell's like, what? He goes,

Cautro, she's a fucking cunt. And Crono's like, what are you talking about? He was very sweet. He goes, nah, I love her mother. Her mother's a dear friend. But she's a stuck up arrogant little twat. He just went, okay, we're ready? Action. Hal Holbrook

said his wife's married to Dixie Carter. Of course. So another, another funny thing was Hal O'Hawbrook says, my wife's coming tomorrow. And Asner screams out, come on, how we all know you're a fucking fag. Ripping him, he called him a fag. Alarious. Well, how we all know you're a fucking fag.

So, I mean, I ate lunch with those guys. Hal Holbrook was just a nice guy. But Asner was hilarious. The most offensive shit, you're right? He was fun with us. He told us he was obsessed with Cloris Leachman's ass. Yeah, she was hot. I was just watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid.

she came into stern when I was allowed there and before I stabbed myself nine times in heroin but he she came So it was nine times? That's what the post said. See, so you stab yourself nine times without killing yourself, which is a total fucking idiot to me.

Someone who could stab themselves nine times and still be alive. That's because I have a big stomach. If I had abs, I'd be dead right now. There wasn't even any blood. I didn't get near my organs. I didn't get anywhere near my organs. But I forget what the fucking question was.

No, Kloris Leachman was on, and I asked her, I said that Paul Newman come on to you, a butch Gassian. And she said, he did, but I said no. And Paul Newman said, ah, you women always no, no, no. And I'm like, really, Paul Newman? Wow. I said, no offense, Claus, but it's surprising. Norman couldn't fuck you. It sort of disappoints me a little bit.

But back in the day, shoot out. Oh, yeah. Hell of a bud. Oh, yeah. What about Peter Yusinov? You were telling us a little bit, too, before we turned on my side. Well, again, he was in The Bachelor, and, you know, in Spartacus, his character in Spartyc, he is so fucking funny in that. It's a sarcasm.

When he's picking out the slaves, and he's like, as go the teeth do the bones, this man is made of chalk. He's checking the slaves. slave's teeth. Give it to the Spaniard. He has that same sarcastic attitude in real life. I think it was his last movie. I think it was. I think that ended.

I think that ended. It was like Peter Sellers going out with a fiendish plod of food men's chute. Oh, geez. Oh, God. Yeah. But, you know, he was doing a scene with Chris O'Donnell, and you could almost see him rolling his eyes. Like, you know. And I introduced myself. I said I'm an actor in the film.

He goes, uh, good luck. And, uh, and I think he died the next day. But Jack Warden was my, was plays Norman. Oh, yeah, yeah, Jack Wardenai's father in dirty work. Right. So Bob Sagitt directed dirty work. And there's a scene where Warden is in bed in the hospital. And Sagitt comes up to him and gives him like a line reading, give Jack Wooden.

He gave him some notes. And me and Norm are just sitting back on, oh, Christ, what's he doing? He gives Jack Warden's. And Wharton's being polite and everything And we don't even know if he's, you know, upset about it or anything And so Sagitt goes back behind the camera And right before he yells action Norman and I look at Warden and go,

You are right, Jack? And he goes, oh yeah, I'm okay. I'm just trying to remember my notes. He rolled his eyes. He was another great. It was one of those things. Seymour Cassell to him barely Like when you don't think,

they seem like old men like they're forgetting their lines And then you watch the playback and it's fucking Jack Gordon. We love Seymour Cassell. We're talking about him. Yeah, I guess I've had the privilege of ending a lot of great careers. Well, Gilbert worked with Jack Ward. I was twice with Jack Ward. And the problem is child.

Yeah, the problem with him. Yeah, because the same guy, Bobby Simon, the producer. Oh, yeah. He produced dirty work. Yeah, he was great. Yeah. Yeah, he was amazing. And it's Jack Ward, you know.

And he got to play our dad. But, yeah, and I think he stopped working right after that as well. I always said about movies. I said like the Godfather 3 trilogy on DVD. It's the perfect party thing because you could watch one and two and do Coke off of three. Nice. That's how my movies are. Let's talk about Godfather 3.

Go ahead. What a mess. First of all, to give Talia Shire that much power within the family. Oh, my God. Like, she's ordering hits. She's like this mixed up drunken whore in the first two. Right. And the second one, she's like, you know, at Michael's.

feet begging him not to kill Fredo and and yeah a whore when she brings that guy and can say Al can you get him a drink can I have a drink can I have something to drink and Pacino just wants to kill him right there I don't know who this murder is I don't know what he is

I don't know what he does tell him you want you don't want to get married and you don't want to see him anymore he'll understand believe me but yeah then in three she's like Vito Corleo. She's the godfather. And then Sophia Coppola, you know, look, it's nepotism

running wild, but... Well, that was supposed to be Winona Ryder. In that part, yeah. Well, that dying scene. Oh, God. Dad. Dad. Yeah. And then the way he dies at the end, that's how that story... Oh, he was like Artie Johnson.

I was going to... Or just like... Yeah. Hey. It just makes a weird face. Yeah. Do you believe in the hereafter? Then you know what I'm here after.

Boom with the purse. And then da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ta. That's how he fell. It was so embarrassing. That's how the godfather is. And then Pacino... Did Coppola not have time to shoot that guy? Like, look, we don't want to do a long stretch out then.

Just keel over. And then afterwards when Judy Khan goes, sock it to me, sock to me. And Sokatois It'd be funny if Ruth Buzzy just walked in And hit Michael Callion with a purse

Ruth Buzzy hits Michael Collion with a purse That's how he dies Oh God And then how they wrote in That Sonny has a son that no one ever heard of That doesn't look like them at all No yes Yes

Andy Garcia is James Conn's son. Right. You know, it was all just too neat. I don't like, I don't buy Joe Montagnan's character. He gets shot on a horse. It's like, it's like the Game of Thrones. Joey Zaz? Yeah.

Again, it wasn't, they all did. George Hamilton shows up. Duval was on Howard, and Howard did a great interview with Duval. And he said, and Howard said, you know, first of you get George Hamilton for Duval. There's a trade. Oh, yeah. And, you know, that's like, getting LeBron James for one of the Knicks.

And, you know, it just became an embarrassment. But Duval said, look, we all did it for the money. And my money was, I said the copal. I was honest with it. I said, I need more money to do this. And he wouldn't hit the quote. And he just said, fuck, he just kill off my character. And the idea that Al Pacino was like,

felt guilty about everything that he did in the two previous. It kind of negates the first two movies. Oh, yeah. What it does. The church. which is probably real anyway, that they're the gangsters. And he's like trying to tell the church,

you're being immoral. Yeah. He's telling a group of cardinals. You guys are crazy. And then he wants to reunite with Diane Keaton? Yeah, we're that. I know, he didn't want to reunite with her when she was hot in 1974. He wants to reunite with 1990.

He wants to reunite with something's got to give, Diane Keaton. No, I don't like you in 74. I want to, let's get back. together now. It's like I want Jane Fonda now not the way she wasn't Barbarilla. You could keep clute.

Shove clude up your ass. Is there anything sex here? I disagree with it. Then her riding Annoy Jane, her riding that cannon. For the enemy in Vietnam, she's riding a cannon clapping. Just some rich cunt from L.A.

Like, you know, oh, I'm liberal. I just want to fuck this. Speaking of the Godfather. I thought Al Pacino's performance was terrible. I thought Al Pacino's performance in three was all. That sense of a woman performance carried over. I agree with you. And they give him the Oscar for that.

Well, Chris O'Donnell, the woman, they were... O'Donnell rubbed off on him. That's one of those Oscars where, you know, we apologize for not giving it to you sooner. I mean, listen, he lost to do. Joel Gray and Cabaret. Could you imagine, like, he was best supporting actor. The transformation he makes in Godfather 1 is one of the best acting things ever, from that innocent kid to the devil, and he was up for supporting.

And he loses to Joe Gray? You imagine? Joe fucking Gray. And that was your Brando won and sent Sashim Little Featherer. What a great Hollywood move. That's a Tracy Morgan move. Send the Indians. I'm sending Sassim Little Feather.

I'm sending can't talk right I'm sending Hocopontas I'm sending Jew lawyer Alex Baldwin's gonna say Why I can't I'm too emotionally stressed To tie eye

Now write a check bitch That's all that was Hoka Pondas I gotta smoke the piss pipe Let's roll some Let's roll a piss Let's smoke a piss bong Hucapontas

What's fucking hilarious You know The Godfather so well. Tell us about what happened when Coppola came on Howard. Copeland, again, one of those things. He came on Howard. Yeah, his movies got a little low brow to it here. I'm going to throw up one of those shows. I'm going to throw up.

I heard half of the budget went to dry clean. Well, it's hard. It's hard. Continuity. You got to get to come up. Oh, my God. But he was, he came on the same. He came on the same.

You're talking about Howard to Silver. He came on. Howard Rubenstone. Because I heard you when you were wrong with Johnny Rousseau. Johnny Rousseau. And you were doing all the dialogue in the background. They still make the rounds and make money off being in the godfather. But Coppola was on the show.

And, you know, I knew that he was probably going to ask me to do a scene. So like an idiot, I memorized the scene. But Howard being much too clever for that, he let Coppola pick the scene. And it was the scene where he tells Carlo he's going to Vegas before Clemenza. strangled him to death. And I did it well enough to where Coppola was impressed. That was pressure. I'll bet.

But again, the story there was, you know, Copla after the guy, I mean, he had six Oscars, Apocalypse Now. Did you ever see a heart of darkness, the documentary about the making of a movie movie. Oh, yeah. That's great. People forget he wrote Patton, too. Right, and he was a great writer, you know. And he, but he makes well his money now.

He bought Englenuck Winery's all his money. He's got no movie money. Yeah. Yeah. So. And even did Dracula to. towards the end. Sure.

Well, he started a studio, I mean, whether he started American Zoetrope and, which is still in San Francisco. I was just playing Cobbs in San Francisco, and I saw that building's still there, Zootrope. But it's all, he's got a private jet from Englenuck wineries. But that run he had,

if you look at Patton and the conversation, and the two Godfather pictures and Apocalypse now. Diane Keaton's career in the 70s, all the Woody Allen movies. Oh, yeah. And the Godfather movie. I mean, and Talia Shire, Godfather in the Rock.

fucking rocky. I mean, you know, Diane Keaton is brilliant in all those Woody Allen things, you know, and then she plays, you know, Carlione's wife. And, like, John Cassal did, like, five movies. And they're all great. I think they all either won, they were all at least nominated for Best Picture. He did the conversation, Godfather one and two. He did, the Deer Hunter was his last one. He got sick on that. And, um, Dog Day Afternoon. Oh, Dog Day Afternoon. So, fuck. I mean, amazing. Yeah, yeah. Think about Pacino and Dog Day Afternoon and then Centa for one. Oh, God. What's what I mean? It's a retroactive Oscar. I mean, Dog Day Afternoon is one of the funniest movies ever. Fuck the drama. All that shit that Lament got from them just from those characters.

But do you know the story? Cazal was dating Merrill Street. Yes, sure. And told Michael Jimino said, my girlfriend's in a play. She's right for this part. Beg them to see her. And he got her into Hollywood. He died. And, you know, she moved on. Life. There's life.

Do you imagine he dies and she moves on to be Merrill Strait. Well, Gilbert's obsessed with Sidney Lema. She moves out to take a selfie with Ellen DeGeneres. Did you just want to crawl through the fucking screen? Selfie with Ellen DeMette. Well, Cindy Lamat, yeah. Oh, amazing. I mean, there's a talk about almost a perfect record.

Yeah. Yeah, we talk about them all the time. The pawnbroker. Anderson tape. They go on in the city. Serpico. So, Dog Day, they have to do Prince of the City. Oh, and we were just talking before.

And 12 Angry Men and Network. And Network. And even things like Murder on the Orient Express, where he did different stuff. Right. Unbelievable. Oh, and I like By Braverman with George Siegel and Jack Gordon. What about the verdict? The verdict.

The verdict. But what about the nightfalls on Manhattan? That's a really good. A great run. And Frank and I were just talking about a half hour ago about when the devil knows you're dead. Yeah, yeah, oh my God. Marissa Tomet. Every dark thing that a human being could do,

Philip Seymour Hoffman does in that movie. It's a great movie. And then to think about his real life with the heroin and everything, but every dark thing that you can do as a person he does. Oh, yeah. And you got Albert Finney. That just fucking, I forgot about that. Yeah.

Then, of course, you have Gloria with Sharon Stone. Oh, geez. How did that happen? What we'll all run to go. LeMette might be as perfect. It might have the best batting average of any director. Oh, yeah. Well, unless you want to go back to Billy Wilder.

Right, yeah. He can say that, sure. Here's one for you, Gilbert. Here's a trivia question about the Godfather, and I bet already knows it. Which Godfather actor? He was in part two. Wrote a movie that starred Elvis. Oh, my God.

I don't know that. He was a playwright. Oh, oh, my, my, my, my, do you know, he tell me Michael Coliano did this. Michael Colonyonyonyony. A Frank Panhandling. A Frankie Fivianian. He was a man.

He was a playwright. He was a playwright. He wrote a play called Hatful of Rain, which was made into a movie. Oh, I know Hatful of Rain. Oh, yeah. And he wrote an Elvis movie. Oh, yeah. Which Elvis movie?

That I wish I were written down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's not a lot of great ones. Our crack research team will take. There's not a lot of great ones. Which Elvis fantastic? You'll know this. Which Godfather actor also appeared in Moonstruck?

Danny Ielo. Well, Godfather won. Okay, because Danny Ayello is one of the Rosado brothers. Yeah, we interviewed. Danny's a great interview. Godfather 1 and Moonstruck. Think about Shares' uncle?

You know what? Here's the problem. I don't know Moonstruck. I don't either. Louis Gus, the guy that gets up at the table and makes the speech about the people. I never would have got that. Never would have got it. Because I don't know Moonstruck. And this one you'll both know. But the Pantangley question, that's a great question. Is that a good question? Who played the young

Clemenza and Godfather, too? Bruno Gaines Bruno Kirby Nice work Bruno Kirby We got it together The guys are good Yeah

Who's now dead right Yeah he passed away He lost Bruno Kirby He was in a lot of great films He was the young Clemenza And a lot of great stuff Yeah the freshman with Brando That's what I thought I would hate that

Because Brando's doing It's fun But it's well done That's a guy that made the in-law Did you like that guy that wrote the in-laws Andrew Burton I don't know I was a little uncomfortable

It made me laugh But I thought I was going to I hate it, like crazy. Yeah. We had Johnny on the show, and I said to Gilbert as... Bruce. Yeah, when he was coming in, I said, do me a favor.

Let the show start before you ask him about killing two people. Is that true in real life? He says that, right? I don't know how much of what he said. Yeah, well, that's the thing. Yeah, yeah. Does he know the statute of limitations? Oh, yeah.

On murder? He said, there's three people I can admit to. What? Oh, so after, after like, four years or so. Henry Hill was on the Stern Show and he was going to take us on, he took

some of the Howard TV guys on a tour of where people were buried like spiders or something, but he was so fucked up. He was just pointing to like spiders buried over there. Like that's the Empire State building. And I liked how as great a movie as Goodfellas is.

Yeah. It's also like, you know, uh, Henry Hill's like, practically handing out toys in an orphanage. That's such a great point. You got to realize he's telling the story. So in every scene, he's outraged. What are you guys doing?

You're killing people. You're not killing somebody. I didn't know you were a mobsters. This is fucking bad. I thought you were luggage sales to me. I know, the whole Billy bad scene. He's trying to like be a diplomat. Everyone's fine.

Billy gets a little out of line. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Has pistol whip the guy in the driveway. Yeah, well, that makes him look cool. Right. Because the guy just raped his girlfriend, practically. He looks cool there.

But, no, that's a great point. People don't realize that. He's telling the story. Oh, yeah. So Jimmy Burke was rotting in stomach cancer, the real Jimmy Conway in prison going, that's not how it would fuck him. I remember a little differently, Henry. Yeah.

I heard you talk about that scene. I think you were talking to, I heard John, another podcast, Talking about the scene with Pesci where they go to sea, played by Martin Scorsese's mother. Yeah. Where they go back to the house where she pulls up the painting with dogs. She was, again, Scorsese could make like a forklift operator good in the movie. He just knew how to use his mother. Perfect.

She's in mean streets. Yeah. When the chick is having a seizure. She's in the king of comedy. She's the one yelling down the stairs. Oh, that's so great. That's so great. Bye!

She's got the tape recorder. Lower it, Rupert. But, yeah, the detail. in that dinner scene is so amazing because De Niro plays the one guy who's all Irish and he's the only guy using ketchup on the potatoes and eggs and eggs which is hilarious. I saw an interview

with her about Raging Bull when they interviewed Scorsese for 60 minutes. I think like Morley Safer did it in the early 80s and she said I fatten them up for that. He came over I made him moots on our omelets and homemade pizza and I fatten them up and then the Safer said to her

what about when he lost weight? She looked at the camera like almost mad and said, Dad, I had not. Nothing to do it. And his old man is funny, like making the pork in prison. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's with Pesci when he buys the farm when he's, yeah. We baseball battered those two guys.

We baseball battered them. You couldn't recognize him. One dog's looking that way. One dog's looking that way. And he's like, what do you want for me? What are you trying to look at east? What do you want? Did you ever see my painting?

Don't paint no more religious painting, man. Now, you're a sports guy. Yeah. And you're a movie buff. Now, Gilbert knows nothing about sports. And baseball players have very strange names. You got good at segways already with it. We do a mini show where we recommend movies.

And Gilbert recommended bang the drum slowly. Oh, yeah. De Niro. And he knows nothing about sports. De Niro playing a retard, basically, right? Danny Aiello told us he taught De Niro how to throw a ball. Right. Not a good job. I mean, that is, the acting's great, but that's a movie where like, you know,

no one looks like they can play ball at all. That was based on a Paul Newman. Was it? Yeah, I didn't know that either. A live TV production. Right. With Paul Newman and George Papar. No, George Papar.

Yeah. That's good. Michael Moriardi. And then who's the great character actor who plays the manager? Oh, Vinnie Gardeña. Oh, yeah. I can't let me care of, right? He's believable as a ball player.

Yeah. Tom DeLois is the... Charles Nelson Riley is the bad boy. Vincent Gartina. Hello! I'd go with the 32. I'd go with the 38-ounce 32 inches. That's pretty good.

I'll be your manager. That's pretty good, Artie. Fred Travelina used to do this, but the one, I can't remember I just said that, but it actually made me laugh. He did Charles Nelson Riley if he was Fredo in The Godfather. Like, why is he always looked over? I don't know, I guess I'm just different.

I remember, last time I was in Vegas, there was a giant billboard that said a one-man show, Rich Little, as Jimmy Stewart. Wow, wow. And it's like, you know what this Did you want to go to that?

You even see it? Just for the car crash value? Oh my God, yes. Because you already know it's like, well, then I met John White. Hey, Pilgrim. And then I met

Walter Brown. Two hours of that. Remember when I was on Johnny Carson? Yeah. Yeah. For the audience, for that, for the four people who remember who Jimmy's story left alive.

So many colostomy bags in that. audience. Do you like Pride of the Yankees? You're your big Yankee guy. We talked about it. Again, the, you know, the acting. When Babe Ruth's the best actor in a movie. It's a class.

When the doc thing is, give it to me straight, Doc. It's three strikes. Gary Cooper, 62. Well, we talk about the Babe Ruth story, too, which is absolutely fucking dreadful. When he points? Oh, yes. When he does a Jackie Grudel. Leaves and point.

Get out, Norden. This ball is going to the moon. It ain't going over to the center of the fence. It's going to the moon. Yeah, real son. He didn't leave me with the mess, stickball coach. It goes my whole stickball team. Yeah, you could tell Bendix wasn't a ball player.

Oh, my God, that's hilarious. I'll recommend one to you, one of the best bad sports movies ever. It's called The Joe Torrey story. Are you serious? With Paul Sorvino. Oh, God. It is some of the shittiest. I know.

In the funniest way, worst acting. He plays Joe Tori right after they win the 96 series. And Robert Lojia plays his brother Frank who gets cancer. Right. Remember, it's so amazing. Yeah. It's two great actors. Yeah, no, I know.

Oh, now what about the one? Oh, the Jimmy Persol. Oh, the Fears strikes out. Tony Parkin. Yeah, Tony Perkins. Yeah, Tom Stelson, Ryan. His Bible is the greatest red sock ever As far as I'm concerned

Manor ran the bases backwards Yeah exactly He did a lot of things backwards He did a lot of things backwards You might have I run with my ass first Tony Perkins changed the scene He'd like to go ass first He's more comfortable leading with his ass

As a Yankee fan I love that he played a great red side Richard Simmons is Ted Williams That's amazing Yeah the Jimmy Pierce Fear strikes out Yeah that's the one Right

Yeah It's Paul Lynn I'm going to hit a home run For you, kid Before you die in the hospital I'm going to hit a home run I know you might die before the game but trust me on it.

Oh, son. See, if I were like a studio head, I'd finance that in two things. Because you had to dig up Poland. And it's Babe Ruth to block. They interviewed, on one of those baseball documentaries, it might have been that Ken Burns was they interviewed Babe Bruce's old roommate on the road. And he was just like this shitty player. They just paid to like maybe walk out.

Oh, Jimmy Reese. It might have been Jimmy Reese. He was like 90. He was like 90 at the time. He was telling the story. He goes, yeah, the babe loved playing practical jokes on me. I remember one time we were on the road. I think we were in Pittsburgh.

I was in the shower. And I'm all soaked up and I feel a warm stream on my back. And I look behind me and there's the babe, naked with a girl, urinating on my back. And he was laughing. God, he thought that was funny. He wrote his naked with a broad pissing on his back. God, he thought that was funny.

Oh shit So Ardy We asked this of every guest What'd you watch as a kid? What did you? Not my weight I'll take Ardy Lang the block I watched the honeymooners

My motherfather put a black and white TV About five inches Big in my room When I was like maybe seven And back in the 70s in New York On Channel 11 At 11 o'clock they had the odd couple 1130 they had the honeymooners. And then I think Burns and Allen.

That's right. That's right. So I watched the honeymooners and the odd couple every night. No exaggeration for seven years. So I could recite every honeymooners. The first time I saw Gilbert do stand up was at Caroline's at the Seaport. It was my 20th birthday. We all went. And you did the bit of, you know, Ralph Crandon and Casablan. You're getting on that plane with the class of all. So I mean, that was just like the ultimate.

I thought that was amazing. So I watched that religiously. Of course, a lot of sports. Yankees being from here, Knicks, Giants, but Abin and Costello movie every Sunday.

Uh-huh. From 11.30 to 1. Sunday's 11.30 to 1. In the 70s, on Channel 11, an hour and a half, and if only I had fast forward to go through the Andrews sisters.

Oh, right. Oh, yeah. And all the songs. I watched every Abbott and Costello. What was your favorite Abin and Costello? You know what? I liked Abin and Costello

Meet the Killer. I like that one because it's Carl off. Freddie Phillips. It's weird because the title was Abin and Costello Meet the Killer Boris Karloff. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah. They just tell you who the guy did that. Yeah, yeah. In the title. That's hilarious. I mean, I loved Evan and Costello Meet Frankenstein. That's, that's, that's, that's, that I almost said that.

Yeah, that's as good as it gets. But Copel actually said before he made Godfather 3, they said the only Godfather that would make sense after 2 was the Abbotto Costello meet the Godfather. And he basically should have made that. Oh, yes. But, yeah, I watched every Abbaughn and Costello when I memorized all of those. I love the first King Kong whenever that went on.

They used to show those on Thanksgiving. He used to show like Mad Monster Party. I'm trying to think of Monster movies. I loved the first King Kong I thought was unfucking believable. That one in 76 with Jeff Bridges. Oh, my God. It's Jessica Lange and Charles Groton. Charles Groden is the heavy.

The way he steps on Charles Grotin. And Renee Arbourgeois. Yeah, that's right. He's in that one. And the scary part about it is you've got Rick Baker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's a brilliant. The makeup guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in there, it's a laughable. It was bad in a funny way. It's a credit to Bridges as an actor that he actually comes off, not terribly. Well, no, I know. He pulls up, but back then, you don't realize how great he is. Right. What do you think of the latest one, the Peter Jackson one?

You know, I still like the first one better. But, I mean, there's impressive shit. Yeah, visually. Yeah, it's very impressive. Yeah. So, you know, old movies, I loved old movies. I remember watching Some Lake It Hot for the first time. I remember, you know, when The Godfather was on TV, my old man, I had a crazy sense of humor.

I was like nine years old. He said, you got to watch the scene. He made me watch the horse. head scene. John Marley. Yeah. And I'm saying, oh, what the fuck?

I'm like a nine. I'm like my head's exploding. But, yeah, you know, so probably similar stuff to what probably Gilbert watched, but Aber Costello and the honeymooners and the odd couple,

religiously. They used to show those A&C movies. You remember, Gil, on Saturday morning? And they had the popcorn theme song. Oh, yes. On Channel 11? Channel 11.

Yeah. Dun, dun, dun, right. It's amazing how we were able to, because like Gilbert, I'm probably not as good as he is, but it was so much, you know, it's amazing how we know the stuff verbatim from just watching it once every, once when it was on, because you didn't have VCR, you can rewind, watch it again, and we just saw it whenever it was on and you memorized it. Literally, I think I could have went to medical school with the brain fucking function. I know.

I know. I wasted on it. Oh, it's incredible. Yeah. I can't tell you the Pythagorean theorem, but I could do every honeymooners, you know. And I remember, like, I would watch, like, the Bowery Boys. Yeah, I used to love that. You know, it's a great one of my favorite Bowery, Dead End with Humphrey Bowdo.

Oh, yeah, with the dead end kids. The poor kids are right next to the, they beat up the rich kid living in high rise. And when he comes back and he sees his old girlfriend, and like the light hits her just right, and you know she's a whore? And he's like, why don't you starve first? That's the, I love him.

Dead End. Yeah. You know, the Maori boys I like that. I forget. I think it's, oh, I think it's angels

with dirty faces. Yeah, my father made me sit down and watch that the ending and, you know. Cagney, oh,

Bogots confronted Cagney he goes, you used to ask me things, now you're telling me. And Cagney goes so, and Bogart goes, show my feelings is getting hurt. Right.

That's amazing. Amazing. Yeah, no, that might be the best ending ever. Oh, yes. You know, it's funny. I would put that ending, and Angels with Dirty Faces are taking a Pelham, 1, 2, 3 with Walter Mathout. We love that. We love that.

Yeah, anything with Walter Mathel. And again, with these remakes, like 10 Washington and John Travolta, the new one, I couldn't even bring myself to watch. Well, Gilbert and I, we obsess over those kind of 60s and 70s movies where you get to see Old New York. 70s. Like Pelham, 1, 2, 3, and Serpent. Seven Ups is a great one.

Seven Ups has great shots of Hell's Kitchen in the 70s. Super Cops, if you've never seen it. Super cops, I love. The in-laws. Yep, yep. Yeah. Now you're talking about the in-laws

with Michael Douglas and Albert Brooks. God. Me and Danny talk about that. You get douche-chilled. Albert Brooks is one of the funniest guys. Yeah, I love him. I mean, how big does a paycheck have to be? Big.

Why remake it? Just say it's another movie. Say it's these new guys. Why do you have like got to call the fucking in-laws? And another movie that looked like they were trying to remake the in-laws was that terrible one with Eugene Levy and what's his name? You'd be a little more specific. Oh, that's funny.

No, the guy who's in the credit, the black actor and the credit card commercials. Oh, Samuel Jackson. Samuel Jackson. Crazy him old. You know what I need... Sammy El Jack. When I'm in the country, I need the sounds of the city to fall asleep.

So I only fall asleep when that commercial comes on and he yells out, what's in your wallet? I can get to sleep. Now, what is that movie, Eugene Levy? I know what you're called... The man. The man, the man.

Yeah. And it's also, he's also like a dentist who gets in... Oh, okay. And I like Eugene Levy and Sam Jackson, But again, it really goes to show you. For a movie to be great, that's why you got to appreciate the great. So much shit has to come together in all work, the directing, the ending. So much shit could fuck it out.

It's always an accident. Oh, and talk about getting two extremely talented people to remake a film badly. I know. I guess it's money. You know, look, shit. But there's another one, Peter Falk and Woody Allen. The Sunshine Boys. Why do that?

I mean, Woody Allen and Peter Falk probably, you know, from Columbo alone, Peter Fawkes probably got an island. And Woody Allen, like, do you have to do that? Yeah. What about Steve Martin's career? Like, I mean, he has done so much more to hurt comedy than help it. Oh, my God. Does he have to remake Sergeant Bilko? Right.

And the panther. By the dozen. The pink fucking panther? I know. Exactly. Come on. You're Steve Martin. You should know better than take another movie.

What makes me mad is they titled it, the pink fucking panther. That's what it should have been. It should have been the pink fucking panther. With a giant lit-up question mark. The pink fucking panther. I'm making the black panther. The black panther would be better. That's the new one.

You and Newton. Does some of the best physical comedy you ever think. And you're an odd couple person, too. You were the old deal. Randall Klugman. And Mattel. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's another movie where you can see old New York locations. Mathau and that was great. Probably the best Oscar. I think if I had a pick, I'd go Mathau, Tony Randall if I could pick in shoes. But Lemon's great. And Art Carney was the original Felix on stage. Could you imagine seeing Mathau and Arkarnie on his fucking stage? Oh, my God.

We just had Paul Dooley on the show. You know that actor Paul Dooley. and he understudied Carney. Oh, he did. Carney went in to dry out. Yeah, he was supposedly a worse drunk than Gleason. Now, I saw about 10 minutes of the

new odd couple. Oh, God. It's Matthew Perry. I don't think I would literally throw up. I don't think I could tell it. I think I heard Matthew Perry once in an interview, I think he basically said he invented sarcasm. I think he said that. Norm

was on Saturday Live. Norm tells the best fucking stories about some of those celebrities that went through there. And Matthew Perry had an assistant and said, you know, Matt, he said to Norm, Matt wants to do a sketch that he wants you to be in where he talks like he does on friends. He calls it Matt Speak. And Norm said, what are you talking about? He goes, well, you know, he invented a way of talking.

The way he talks on friends, Matt Speak. And he showed him a clip. And Norm said, are you talking about sarcasm? Matthew Perry called sarcasm. He renamed it Matt Speaks. hilarious. And Norm goes, you're talking about sarcasm? What about the black odd couple, Gil?

They should have just said to him, oh, that was really good. I think somebody, one of the younger writers said, I think Matthew Perry is a genius. I think that's what it was. And Norm said, is he good at math or something? Yeah, the black odd couple with DeMond Wilson. And the black honeymoon. And Rod Glass. Yes.

Yeah, and then there was the black honey. Rod Glass from Barney Miller. Cedger, the Entertainer. If you got the word the entertainer in your name, that's a lot of press. It's like the group in sync. You better be in fucking sync, man. If you say the entertainer, you better be good. That's a lot of pressure.

Who played Norton in that one? I don't remember. Was it Tracy Morgan? It would have been better. Might have been. I don't know. We're going to go bowling. Hey there, Ralph and boy.

Might be so kind of the tem of what's in the fridge. It's the grandee. Mifick Ruda. God. What you got? It certainly looks like rain tonight. We going to boat. You done got me all confused.

I don't want to look at these four watchy. God bless him. He knows the dialogue. The last time this place was decorated about four years ago, my nephew came in with an ice cream cone. Oh, and one more thing, Mr. Mawson. Blabomow.

Mike Epps. Mike Epps. Mike Epps. Mike Epps. He was Ed Norton. Thank you, Dara. Mike Eps, of course. Who could forget him.

Blabemow. Uttercup. He's not like the kingfish. That's what he's trying to sound like. You want to tell us a little bit of... You were listening, Lord. You were listening. I give up.

How'd a dictaphone here in the room. Get, Frank. I'm sorry. We just pretend. we're eating something else. I don't want to stop them. The ship couldn't make it through the blockade. You want to tell us a little bit about working?

Who? Bang, Zoom. He'll do this for an hour if I don't go, if I don't stop. Bang Zoom. Oh, that's good. I'm the ship for the future. Maybe we should say something about spear fishing. Wow. Give me that.

That's my denature. Your minds of our. smoke, I don't care if you burn. Wow. Your minds of hot smoke. It's the black honeymoon. Thursday at 10 on CBS. Wow.

Is that Alice? So anyway, Don Rickles? I was going to move on to Rickles, just in the interest of time. Well, yeah. Rickles. We do a six-hour episode. He was in 30 work. It's the first scene I shot.

And he goes, you, Hockey Buck! Huckle Buck. Hockey Puck. CPO hockey puck. CPO Shockey. Why don't you go make that with a giraffe? It's morphed into the Black Don Rickles? Yeah.

I was opening for Sinatra. He's sitting in the backyard going, and he couldn't remember. Seriously. There's that basket. The Baskin Robin's. line that doesn't make any sense. Exactly. He said, he said, just look at me in Norman.

And insult us. Like, that's a, that's a, it's a softball coming in for him. So I don't know what he's going to say. It's the camera's running. He looks up to me and he goes, look at you. Look at you, you baby gorilla. And I laughed 20 times. Right.

I said, fuck, I said, you know, Sag at the director, I said, look, I may, you may have to fire me. I'm, it's Don Rickles calling me a baby gorilla. So I finally got it right. I got a take. And then he moved over to Norm. The thing he started doing that was hilarious. He was insulting Norm as Norm MacDonald, not as the character.

Let's go. I would love to see that. How did you get a movie? Cut. We can't use that, Don. His name's Mitch. In the movie, insult him as Mitch. He's starting to insult in the script.

Who wrote these jokes? And then eventually, we got it down. He's hilarious in it. But I finally got it. Norm never didn't laugh. I think in the movie, Norm is laughing. Yeah. This summer serve up the cruise.

Cookout Classics, Heinz ketchup, and Kraft Singles. Every good burger needs a layer of perfectly milty cheese and thick, rich ketchup. We all know it's not a cookout without Heinz and Kraft. Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. Now, I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills. But it turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial.

Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upbound payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12-month plan required, $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes to be slow when network is busy. See terms. I heard in casino when Rickles was doing the scenes with De Niro.

Yeah. He would, did, Rickles would stop in the middle of the scene. Right. That's it cut. You left out three motherfuckers. Oh, he, the press for that movie was hilarious Because Rickles would goof on De Niro And De Niro in real life is just like a mannequin

You could just goof on it, he just sits there And Rickles like he mumbled, he mumbled And Riggles is being Riggles And De Niro's laughing at everything But yeah, did you ever see the actor's studio Inside the Actor's Studio with De Niro? Oh, yeah Okay, he said that James Lipton guy says to him

What's your favorite curse word? And you know, most of those people try to be goofy and say, oh, darn it and stuff. Yes. And the old Dead Series goes, I don't know, a cock suck a motherfucker. And Lichten's like, cocksucker motherfucker. I remember one time there was, I forget which actress was on the show. But James Lytton says to her, he goes, what's your favorite sound? And she goes, a baby smiling.

He smiled. What, one time. reminds you, Carmen Electra was on later with Bob Costa, but he had left the show, and that chick, Aisha Tyler. Oh, yeah. So she says to Carmen Electra,

what's the one thing you can't live without? Like a guilty pleasure, you know, rollerblading or something? Cry of Leisure. I thought for 30 seconds, and she said, food. Well, it's true. Oh, yeah. So you're a human being. You know, you know,

Byron Allen does that show Comics Unleads? Oh, yeah. Norm told me this. He leads guys into their act. He does like the same way. So I understand, Dame Cook, you went to Hawaii. And then there's a bit about Hawaii. He looked at John Lovitz and said,

and John, I understand you're getting older. The sound of a baby swagger. I got to find that. I got to look that up. You just want to strangle them. You just want to strangle him. I think Goldie Hawn, it might have been Goldie Hawn. What would you want God to say when you got up there? And dead serious,

she said, all the sick children in the world are better. Children in the world are better Now back to the... Fuck you, God! I wanted to see the sick children get better And you had to kill me now?

God! And you killed me... Fuck you! And an anesthesiologist killed me while I was getting college And your son Jesus! And if I see that son of yours Your son Jesus

Oh, that's hilarious. I wanted to see that. Of course, I saw all the kids sick. I'm trying to make the first wives club I was watching a kid die And then I So Marty, why do you say you have bad luck with movies? I don't think I'm first in line

For the good script You were in mystery men You got a story about being a mystery man Case and point Yeah, I'm the first Ten minutes of that Big Red I get killed by Ben Stiller

Hank Azaria and William H. Macy The three guys collectively The lowest point of each one of their career but it took like a week to shoot that, yeah. Yeah, I shot that with Tom Wait. Tom Waits was in that movie. Funny guy. Yeah, he wrote the song Jersey Girl,

and I'm a fan of that song. And the same Teamster drove us back to the hotel every night. He was at the Sunset Marquis, and I was at the Mondrian. And I wanted to ask him, because he wrote the song, Jersey Girl, it Springs team made famous. And I had all these romantic notions about what that song's about, oh, he met some mysterious woman on the beach. They made loved ones.

she never saw her again, blah, blah, blah. So finally, the last night I said, fuck in him. And I told the Teamster that we were, that was driving us. I said, like, I want to ask him this. He goes, I'd just fucking ask him at the end. So the Teamster knew I was nervous. So Waits is getting out of the car, and I figured I'll never see him again. And I say to him, I don't think it's going to be a mystery man, too.

And I say, hey, Tom, listen, I'm a big fan on that song, Jersey. He goes, thanks. I go, what's that song about? And again, these romantic things from my head, he looks, as he's getting out, like kind of looks like a throwaway line. He goes, and my fucking wife is, from Newark. He got out of the car, the teamster

looked at me and said, was that what you were hoping it was going to fit? Oh, wow. My fucking wife is from North. Was there something about your mom and your sister going to see mystery men? The story I heard? I bring a bell.

Yeah, they went and they I'm in the first three minutes. Right. And they thought I was going to be in more. So my mother, I was living in L.A. My mother called me from the theater and they go, are you in this anymore because I got to get out of here? The Stanley was going on. My mother

was like colors jumping around on. They said, are you? I said, no, you could leave. Thank you. Are you in this anymore because I can't watch this movie? I said, no, I'm dead. They kill me. And she goes, oh, good. Yeah. So anyway. Yeah, I don't think I get sent like

the beautiful mind. I don't think I get that script. Did you have a part in Jerry McGuire? Got cut out, yeah. That was the first movie I had a scene, and God, Tom Cruise was such a prick on that. It was him and Kelly Preston getting into a fight at the NFL draft, and I play this annoying radio guy who interrupts them, and he looks at me with a movie, like, Get Out of Here, and I leave.

And it was two 14-hour days. Cameron Crow was a director, and there was a pause in the script. It said, paused and go in. And I paused, and I memorized everything. And Tom Cruise didn't know that. after a few takes, he looked at me in front of the whole crew, he just screams out. Can you come in quicker, please? You know, the guy with a steady camera, he looks down, and he pissed off Tom Cruise,

and Cameron Crow comes over, and he goes, listen, he didn't, I'll explain it to him, just do it the way he wants to do it. So we do it again the way he wanted it, and then he went, like, real, like, military, he went, thank you, like, you know, in front of everybody. But in a real me, like, way. Wow. And, uh, and that's the whole, for two days, I worked with him and Kelly Preston for 14 hours. I was a foot from them.

They didn't say one word to me. Like, while they're makeup and shit, like talking about you're going to that party, and they didn't say a word. Didn't acknowledge my existence. Wow. And as long as we're Tell and Tales at a school, you worked with somebody else who was in that movie.

Who? Who played, who, the guy that won the Oscar for being in that movie. I've heard you say, you know where I'm going. Oh, Cuba Gooding. Your guy is nodding.

He knows where I'm going. Oh, Cuba Good. Yeah, yeah. I worked with him. I did another movie called Boat Trip with him, or me and Will Farrell play Game. Oh, I love. I love that.

Who doesn't? Now that's the one where they have to both act gay to get on a... Well, it's one of those movies you could pitch in 30 seconds. You go like, two guys are on a getting laid street, you know, drought. First of all, it's Cuba Gooding and Eratio stands, like, they're best friends. And they piss off a gay travel agent. And as a joke, the travel agent sends them on a gay cruise instead of a regular cruise. And then that's it.

Then they go, okay. Yeah. Then that was a movie. And, yeah, but I hung out with Cuba Gooding at a couple of those. We shot it in Cologne, Germany, and all these fucking hot, like these hot German chicks wanted to fuck them. They're just standing around them. And, yeah, the hottest chick I ever fucked in my life was in Germany, because she thought

I knew Coupa Cudding, Jr. She didn't speak a word of English. It was like fucking, it was like fucking Herman Gerring. The way she's. I am second only to the furor. I was trying to get her on my hotel room the next day. Like at 7 a.m. I'm like pointing at shit the doorknob, like, go, go, go.

And he's like, Cuba good. He's wanted to meet Cuba. I'm like, I don't know. I don't have his number. But it's one of those things were like some guys, like a couple times through the Stern try, I went out with John Stamos to a club. It's like those guys step on like a pussy landmine

and you might get hit with shrapnel. You stand close. That's what this German club. was, that's all they liked the movie. You didn't have any problems with Cuba. No, no. He was a good guy to me. He came on the Stern Show a couple years later. He didn't remember me, which I figured was going to happen.

And his father was a singer. Main ingredient. Everybody plays the fool. Did you know that song? Oh, yeah. That's Cuba Gooding Senior. Right. Wow. Right, yeah. His father was a singer. I asked about him. He's on the view. He's very proud of that. Why don't we just throw some fun questions out at you?

already. Go ahead. About movies. Underrated character actor. Somebody more people should know about. Underrated character actor. I'd be interested in your take on this too, Gil. A guy who's, who's, what's the name of the guy?

You know, the problem is I'm not going to know the name. I'll help you out. He, well, John C. Riley was always good and stuff, but then he became kind of a, a star. Who's always good in shit? Seymour Cassell. Yeah, well, Seymour, yeah. I don't know how he's doing.

I mean, that's a good as answer as any. I don't know. Who's like a modern day Jack Warden? You know what I mean? The 70s was passed with guys. It's harder and harder to find him. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of guys who are talented.

See Riley is a good call. Yeah, he was, I always liked him and stuff, but then he became a star. And I always liked John C. Riley better when he was the supporting character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always thought he brought so much to it. Right, yeah. Like in, uh, in Boogie Nights. Oh, yeah, he's really funny in that.

Yeah, yeah. You want to talk a little bit about Elf? Oh, sure. That, that's a Christmas bonus for me. God, that's like, uh... Because we had the real Santa on the show a couple of weeks ago. I was in the fake Santa. And he was in the cartoon version.

And he was in the cartoon, Buddy the El. Yeah, well, they do marathons of that. That's, it's unbelievable. The residual checks are nice around Christmas, you know. But, yeah, Will asks me to do that. That was great. We shot it in Vancouver. It was all improvised.

But, you know, it was fun. It was like a long day. But, again, it's like there are marathons of the fucking thing. So God bless it. Asner said, told us he thinks it's the best Christmas movie. Really? Yeah, he said better than that sack. and Miracle on 34th Street.

The first miracle on 34th Street. It's great. It's great. I really like the Marlowe Thomas. With Orson Wells? Yeah. Oh, no, no. That's a wonderful life. It's a wonderful life.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I heard that when she was going to remake that, she went up to Frank. She saw Frank Capra. Yeah. Oh, that's a shame he was still alive. Oh, yeah. Frank, I got good news for you.

And she said, could you give me some advice. I'm remaking. It's a wonderful life. And he goes, the advice is, don't. I mean, that's actually, he's being a good guy. That is the advice. That's the only advice to, I mean, come on.

You know, the funny thing about that movie, Elf, Will was in that fucking outfit in that character the whole time. And I'm in my trailer trying to get that Santa outfit on, and he walks by. It's like six of the morning. He's got the full wig, the hat like stapled to his head. And he just,

And he's in that character. You walked by and just went, Hi, Artie! At breakfast, he was like, these eggs are good. He stayed as buddy the elf the entire lunche because I think he was afraid of losing that enthusiasm. I would have thrown myself off the Chrysler building a weekend.

I mean, that's commitment. You deserve that paycheck. Hi, Artie! I'm playing an elf. Who did you play in the cartoon version? I was the boss. the department store. Oh, okay. James Kahn.

Oh, well, James Kahn's in the movie, his board. Yeah. And I was sunny in the country. You would have been great. You know, James Kahn on the set of Elf told me this joke. You might know this joke. But to hear James Kahn tell it, he goes, you're a comedian. He goes, here's a joke.

He goes, what's the worst thing abroad could hear after she blows Willie Nelson? I said, what? He goes, I'm not Willie Nelson. But James Conton is imperfect. I'm not willing to know so. See you later. Tell already the one Marty Allen told us about the guy in the backseat with a girl. Marty Allen.

95. Well, he told us this, but he wouldn't say it on the air. Right. Because they're still afraid. He's like 500. Yeah, the old school guys. He's afraid of his image. Right.

He's tarnished. So he said, Marty Allen says, a guy picks up a girl. He takes him. him in his car. He takes a girl in his... A guy picks up a girl. He takes a girl in his car. They're making out really hot and heavy. And then she unzips him

and starts sucking his dick. And he's getting really turned on and he's rubbing her leg and he rubs her thigh and he reaches under her dress and he finds a dick and balls. And he goes, hey, when you're through,

we got to talk. That would only help, Marty Allen's image. Of course. Only hip him up. Hip him up. He should open and close with that. Well, it's just like Larry Storch was in

the aristocrats. And when I said hey, we were in a movie together. He was like denying being in the original. You know who you were. Suddenly, yeah. Try to pretend a whole movie doesn't exist. That's another level.

Larry Storch. Yeah, there you go. F-Troop. There's nothing on TV even close. funny as F-Troop. Oh, yeah. And, oh, but sometimes they make an improvement, like the movie version of Car 54. Oh, God.

Who's in that, Steve Martin and Albert Brooks? Rosie O'Donnell's in it. Of course. I think David Johan... Joe Hanson. Joe Hanson. The guy from the New York Dolls? Yeah.

And he was Joey Ross. Oh, of course he was. One of the wives was Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah, she's in it. And that guy. I, from Scrubs, who played the boss, that skinny guy, I forget his name. Jack Brath? Oh, no, no, you mean the tall, the tall, John McGinley.

Oh, John McGinley. He was the Fred Gwynn. Yeah. And I love the original car 54. I thought that's hysterical when I watch it. John McGill. I think it was John McGilley. It might not be.

He was in Mother with Albert Brooks. Yeah. And I think it was him. And he's in his, like, his trailer, the little honey wagon he had before he shoot his scene. He said, Albert Brooks. came in and said, listen, I understand that you're really good at improvising.

And, you know, if you tell an actor, like, yeah, I'm trained. And you can just think of anything off the cuff. Anything off the cuff. You're just great at just right off the top of your head. You can make anything better. You can make the script better. And he goes, yeah, I am. He goes, well, on this, I'd like you to stick to the text.

That is a flawless Albert Brooks of question. Do me a favor. Don't change a goddamn thing. But it's so funny baiting an actor Because any actor go, yeah, actually I am. Well, on this side, like you to stick to the deck. It's complete contempt. I'm out of cards, Gil.

What else you got? Let's see. Oh, you know what character actor I like is that Jeffrey Demand? Jeffrey DeMund. See, that's a name I probably know the face. Yeah, we'll dial him up for you. Yeah, he's in a lot of... I like Josh Duamel from Los Angeles.

Thank you. Jeffrey DeMont. I'll find you, Jeffrey DeMond. That sounds familiar. Harris Eullin. Yeah. Well, Richard Dysartor just died. I'll give you one. Philip Baker Hall. Great.

He's the best. Philip Baker Hall. Yeah. I always liked him. Yeah, he's got that wonderful thing in Boogie Nights. He's talking about butter in his ass. He's awesome in that. And the other Paul Thomas Anderson movie, Magnolia is not as good.

It's a little long, but he's good at it. Oh, the game show host. And he's really good in a small role in the talent of Mr. Ripley. He plays the detective. What's that? Is that Jeffrey? Oh, okay. Jeffrey DeMund.

Sure. Yeah, he's great. Absolutely. Plus, Philip Baker. Poor man's Larry Davis. He shows up in Midnight Run as Jimmy Serrano's lawyer. Yeah, yeah. Midnight. Well, there you go. He's dead now, but Dennis Farina. Yeah, it was great.

An actual cop. He's dead now, but Robert De Niro. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, do you think? De Niro has heard his legacy there's no way he hasn't right I mean with Bull Winkle and all in it

I mean just the last 10 years pick something you know you must have seen Jack and Jill haven't you no I haven't no I mean I was Al Pacino right is in Jack and Jill

and it's like when I watch that movie I thought maybe you don't give a shit about your legacy but it you to mean something to me before I saw this horrible fucking abortion. Yeah, yeah, just think of me. I used to like your movies.

Well, you think about the paychecks like we were saying before, like the money in TV syndication. Drew Carey could probably hire De Niro and Pacino to do a play in his backyard. He probably could do that. I mean, that's because he's got about a billion dollars from TV syndication. Well, it's just like when I first started getting calls to do like reality, TV shows. And in my mind, it was like, oh, I want to be more in a category with Robert De Niro than with Kim Kardashian. And Kim Kardashian can buy and sell Robert DeNiro a billion times total. It's unbelievable.

It's sad, but that's the country. But he had a great run. I mean, you look at those films in the 80s and look at the mission and King of Comedy. But he was probably, he was almost broke after Raging Bull. I mean, that almost ended their career that movie. It made no money. Scorsese, too. And was later named by AFI as the best picture of the decade.

Yeah, well, that's what I mean. So, you know, it's all backwards, that's for sure. But, you know, at least you do have the good ones to look back on. But, yeah, no, the last 10 years, you know, I guess you're going to take Naomi Campbell to Paris and a private jet once a month. You've got to do Meet the Focker Six. Analyze this, that, and the other thing. In that less Focker movie. I didn't see it.

I didn't see it either. I've seen it on TV. The money they probably paid out, those last couple had Streisand, Dustin Hoffman. What the fuck of the, talk about staining legacies. What do you pay Barbara Streisand for? And Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand and that last one are kind of like Suzanne

Summers after they fired her from Three's company. That's what you want to be? Yeah. That's how you want to be described. Hey, Christy, you're a. in Mexico? What is that bit? Q Priscilla Barnes.

What is that bit you used to do where you talked about they mistook Norman Feld for Hitler? Oh, for Kurt Waldheim. I don't Kurt Waldheim. Prove you, Norman Felt. Well, choice to it was a consummate profession. That's the bit.

Yes. That's the bit. Norman Felt's one of those guys, name is a full sentence. There's a few guys like that. Mormon fell. Wasn't the rest of that punchline? John DeRitter had a likable vote.

John Ritter had a likable vote. John Ritter had a likable vulnerability. It was a consummate professor. It was a real learning experience. My favorite bit. A learning experience. The way John Ritter fell over an Ottoman. Ben Gazzara.

Remember the Ben Gazzara's Ben Gillesara bit? Talking about it. Yeah, sure. I remember all that stuff. Those impressions. Gilbert Gottre died today in his New York. If a plane hit us right now, what would the article say? The parrot from Aladdin and the guy from Dirty Work died. Two guys, two guys who we think may have been on the Stern show at one time,

but we can't remember that far back, who claimed they once met him. Howard's. But we don't believe it. There's no tape available to prove it. Yeah. Two guys who were auditioning for the black honeymooners. Two. The radio version.

Well, this is it. What we did here today is why we're not on that hour's time. Well, the podcast, Dan, you're a legacy, Gilbert. That's what I want to know. I think this one will. Okay. Well, that's it. This has been...

This has been the last thing we will ever do. In show business. Look for us on, what is it, Periscope? Marty, did you know that Gilbert knows the song that the ballplayers sing and bang the drum slowly? No. Yeah. Please excuse my team. but I've been on the road to tribulation

and I find no consolation here What good is a love song If the words are second hand They don't belong to anyone I can get near Because you live on the outside of my jaw And laughter You gave me a good time

But I can come after Oly said and done I'm not the one you really took me for And so you better look Before you leap So you better look before you weep We don't have the rights of that, so Vincent Gardinia

That's unbelievable Like Lorenzo You might be the only person alive When you're talking about keeping that crazy shit in your head He's the master. Absolutely Oh, hi! This is this is

been, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santo Padre, and not like you need. This man's credits. Listen, such classics as dirty work. The Bachelor. And this might give it away, Artie Lange, Beer, Arty Lang,

who you'll both see us on the Stern show if it's an episode of the next Star Trek If they pull out the tapes from 40 years ago Go, but real quick because a lot of people request this on Twitter

do an impression of me giving you advice on how to shoot a DVD Okay, this is when I was first This is when I was first going to make a DVD And I knew nothing about it So I figured Artie's made a few DVD He'll probably have like great stuff

To tell me It'll be brilliant What Artie can tell me Of course So I said can you tell me something I'm making a DVD Because you made a lot of And he goes

Well Well to make a DVD You should Perform it at a club With an audience And get someone To record it You know, you record it

And then you put that recording On the DVD And If you do more than one show You listen afterwards And you see which bitch works I know it was our buckwalled Yeah, and which bitch didn't work

And you put in the bitch that worked on the DVD And then what you want to do Is cut out the bitch that didn't work That's what you want to do Brilliant Wonderful Well, it's been great to be here Thank you, Artie

Thank you guys Zero. Zero is beautiful accounting software built to help small businesses be more productive and successful. Sign up for a free. That's right, free. 30-day trial today at zero.com slash podcast. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it. On the internet. The folks behind the sideshow network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Slicinger, slicing driving friends with it for 10 years.

One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to YouTube.com slash wait for it comedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore because it's here and it's funny. And I love you. A few days ago, Brooke Tudine posted an inspirational quote on her wall that got 17 likes and three comments. Thumbs up, Brooke.

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