Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - GGACP Rewind: Episode #57: Bill Scheft

Episode Date: September 10, 2026

Standup comedian, novelist and comedy writer Bill Scheft spent 24 years as David Letterman’s confidante, right-hand man and head monologue writer, being nominated for 15 Emmys in the process. A few days after Dave’s farewell, Bill stopped by the studio to talk about his two-plus decades in late night and to regale Gilbert and Frank with hilarious showbiz tales about everyone from Larry David to Redd Foxx. Also, Bill pens jokes for the Oscars, praises the commitment of Martin Short and pays tribute to the British Invasion. PLUS: Slappy White! Larry “Bud” Melman! Bogie goes postal! The infamous “Uma, Oprah” bit! And Jerry Lewis sings The Who!https://www.gilbertpodcast.com/57-57-bill-scheft/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast producer of the month for June is Ryan's story. Thank you, Ryan. If you would like to be just like Ryan and be rewarded for supporting the podcast, head over to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried for a small amount. You can get some colossal benefits such as access to new podcast episodes before anyone else. Exclusive video hangouts. Shoutouts from me on Twitter. I will even read your advertisement speech or manifesto on the show.

go to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. That's Patreon. P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Gilbert Gottfried. We thank you for your generosity. You know, we have great advertisers that support the show and keep it free for you guys. So one of the reasons why advertisers love Gilbert Godfried's Amazing Colossal podcast is that they know the show has amazing listeners. So about once a year, we run a listener survey to help demonstrate this to advertisers.

And right now we have an all-new survey that Gilbert and I would like you to take to help us learn more about our audience. So just go to podsurvey.com slash Gilbert. The survey only takes about five minutes. We're going to ask you some questions about yourself, what you'd like to buy, but it's completely anonymous. Your answers help us find advertisers that are matched to you, your interests, and the show. When you're finished, you can enter a monthly drawing to win a $100 Amazon gift card. What do you think of that, Gilbert? Well, what kind of questions are you going to ask them?

Because we can't get too personal. No, no, no. There's some questions I'd like to ask, but I'd like to know how far. And there are certain questions that if I ask our listeners, I don't think I want to know the answers. I get that. I don't want to know the answers either. Once again, that's podsurvey.com slash Gilbert. And by the way, you don't have to take the survey.

Yes. So you don't have to reveal anything. And please don't tell my audience to slash Gilbert because they'll take it literally. Absolutely. Thanks for helping us find the best advertisers so that we can keep the show free. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried. And this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. We're here at Nutmeg Post.

Let me say that. That's all right. Don't forget Frank's plug. And Frank is... Verderosa. Verderosa. Like Ponderosa with Verde. Okay.

Yeah. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried. And this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. And I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santo Padre. And we're here at Nutmeg Post with Frank Verde Rosa. Yay, Frank. Our guest this week is a comedian author, sports writer, columnist, and an Emmy-nominated television writer who spent the last 24 years as a monologue writer, confidant, and self-described cornerman

to the recently retired talk show legend David Letterman. So now he's out of work, basically, and which is why we have time to sit with him. So, ladies and gentlemen, my old stand-up buddy, Bill Schiff. This is an unbelievable pleasure. And I'll tell you why, as I told your wife, every time I run into you, there's a million stories. I want to tell you, and I can't remember any of them. So when I got booked months ago, I wrote them all down. And I just wanted to tell you, the last time I saw you was at Carolines.

It was some event, I don't know, some charity, you know, big brother-in-law, something like that. And you're there with your wife and your son. And Richard Belser comes down the stairs, and he says, Gilbert. and Dara and my, I mean your son. That was the last time I saw you. And it's like I said, I have a million things to catch up with you about and not enough time. And they're all about comics. Oh, okay.

They're all about comics and they're all about people we know in various degrees. Usually with comics, you won't find anything having things. to do with neuroses. No, not at all. Are being screwed up in any way. Tell us the first time you saw Gil on stage, Bill, before you jump into that. The first time I saw him on show, of course, was in 19, I passed audition at Catch a Rising Star in June of 1981, which means I was allowed to hang out till three in the morning and not go on. and and I saw and and Gilbert was was going on late at night and it was just a revelation to see and

you know and I remember a lot of the bits and I was just told Dar a bit that used to do that I used to love there were a lot of sort of props on the back of the stage at Catch and one of them was an old rotary dial phone and in the middle of the scene. set, Gilbert would pick up the phone and put the earpiece and just start rolling his eyes like he couldn't get off the phone and just rolling his eyes and then flapping his hand like the guy wouldn't stop talking. And doing a jerk on. And it just would go on and on for about five minutes and he wouldn't say a word. And finally, he would put his hand over the receiver and say to the audience, Dean Martin. And then go back. I used to love that.

I used to love that. And it went on, and of course, with each succeeding time he did it, it went on longer and longer. And I remember one night somebody in the middle of your set, a couple got up and walked out. And Gilbert, who never interacted with the crowd, said, why are you leaving? And the woman said, we don't think we should have to sit through some comic doing impressions of people from the 1940s. And as they walked out, Gilbert said, but I also do people from the 30s. It was the only time I ever saw you interact with the audience. It was great.

That was great. I wanted the first story, I wanted to tell you, years ago, I was in Las Vegas, and I was working at the Riviera with a guy, Rick Corso, who was pretty good kind of, very good impressionist. And so we finish, and we go to see Red Fox at the Sahara. and Slappy White is opening from and I'd worked with Slappy. I worked in Slappy in Houston and and we

when you worked the gig in Houston they gave you a rental car for the week and it was one of those cars it was like something that they had bought from like a driving school because the brakes were the brakes and the gas pedal were very high up

and I would say to Slappy yeah let's get into Billy Bardi's car and every time we get the car you go Billy Barney You know, so we love that. So now we go, we go to see Slappy, and we go to see Red, and afterwards we go back in Red's dressing room.

And this is what Red says. I'm going to open a club here in Las Vegas, and it's going to be just for comics, and it's going to have a big stage and a great sound system, and there's going to be a little room in the back where you can get your dick sucked and have a sandwich. He had figured it all out. Wow. He had figured it. it all out. And the other...

What a great club. That would have been. I mean, he's really figured it all out. Big stage sounds like him in the little room in the back. And, of course, the other, the great story about Red that I heard was after Sanford and Sun hit, they gave him a summer variety special. And Bob Einstein was the head writer before he became Super Dave and all that stuff. Right, right. So he's the head writer. So now they set up for a sketch and they, and it's all set up and so somebody get red. And they, they can't find him and he won't come down and he can't, you know. And so finally they send Bob Einstein up. So Bob Einstein goes up to the, you know, to the dressing room. He's knocking on the door. Nothing. He's knocking on the door. Nothing. Finally, he puts his hand on the door, realizes the door is open. He opens the door. There is a, uh, a, uh, a

naked hooker and red is naked snorting a line of coke off the hooker's ass and red turns around sees bob einstein says can a motherfucker relax i heard that incredible that one i just at the letterman rapist chris rock had never heard that that story jerry had heard it i we were talking because they were both in the final top ten and and chris had never heard that story of all people. Isn't there a Red Fox story about him? What's the one where he shows up and there's a flooding? Well, Billy Crystal, of course, claims that he was in the audience for that, that he was

one of the five people in the audience. And the story is that it's a good one. It's at the Sahara. It's the late show. And there's five people in the audience. And it's, you know, ladies and gentlemen, the Sahara is proud. 100% red fox full band Bada da da da da da da da da that red comes out

Bada ba da da da da da da that he's behind the mic And he's behind the mic he says There's five fucking people here I ain't doing no fucking joke for five fucking people Turns around walks out band Bada ba da bada Red Fox ladies and gentlemen Because they were just told to play them on and play them off

That's a great one But of course Billy Crystal was there He's zealous there that night. Now, the other thing, the other time that I saw you recently was, it was a sad occasion. It was, uh, Richard Jenny had passed away and he was a good friend of both of ours. I had worked with them and he was. I worked for him too.

Yeah, he was a great, he was one of those guys that he really should have just lived on stage because he could not handle life off stage. On stage, he was great. That's why he would do two, two, three hours. Great joke writer. Great joke writer. Really just a great performer. So I had lunch with a weird, Adrian, my wife, Adrian Tolst, she's a comic who knows you longer than she knows me.

And then let me just tell you this story about one night at Catch a Rising Star with Gilbert and Adrian. This is a tremendous story. Adrian happened to be wearing a tight top that night. And Gilbert walks up to her and says, in the bar and says, Let me see your tits. And Adrian says, cost you ten bucks. And Gilbert says, ten bucks, I don't want to see your cunt. Absolutely true story.

So, Adri and I are having dinner with Rich Jenny. And I say, listen, I've been. been telling this story about you for years, and I don't even know whether it's true or not, and Jenny says, go ahead, tell me the story. He gets a part in the Clint Eastwood movie Bird about Charlie Parker, and he gets the perfect part for a comic, which is one scene that's all him. It's the perfect part. That's all any comic wants. They want one scene where it's all them and they want to leave. So now he shows up, and he shows up on. time, which Jenny never did. She shows up, and Clint Eastwood is renowned for, every movie is

under budget. Every day is an eight-hour day, no more. He's loved by the studios because he just works right on the money. So he doesn't waste anybody time, anybody's time. Everybody does their homework. So now, and he also films rehearsals. So now Jenny shows up for his scene, and Clint says, okay, let's rehearse this scene. So Jenny does his scene. It's all him. And Clint says, okay, that was good, but could you do it less angry? And Jenny, in front of the cast and the crew, and everybody else says, I'm too angry. Here's a guy comes into town, kills everybody. Clint Eastwood walks by the AD and just says, get rid of him.

That is it. Jenny says, not only is that story true, he says, you tell it better than I do. And I didn't tell that at his memorial. I couldn't bully out. Get rid of him. So that's my Rich Jenny story. He was an original man. He was a piece of work.

That's where I met Gilbert on working for Rich Jenny. Wow. On Caroline's comedy. That's right. Yeah, Gilbert came on and did an indecent proposal parody where he played Robert Redford. I was Robert Redford. Okay. Okay.

That's right. Okay. We're not made of stone. I see it. Now, whenever Gilbert and I are together, we end up talking about a buddy Mantea who was a regular catch. No, we know buddy. Yeah, we know buddy. But this is not about Buddy Mantea.

This is about Buddy Mantea was in a group, Alto and Mantea. But before that, they were a threesome called the untouchable. And the third guy was the funny guy, Marvin Braverman. And the greatest story I ever heard about Marvin Broberman is the elephant man, movie comes out. And it's a sensation. So now he's in a packed theater and they're watching the elephant man. Packed theater. And there's a scene in the elephant man where the elephant man goes to the tailor and tries on a suit. And he's in the three-way mirror

and he says to the tailor, how I look. And Marvin Browman in front of the full theater goes, the truth. Now, I remember with the untouchables, they had a song they would open with that was, I think, originated by Weeden, Finkel, and Faye. Wow. And they originated the song with their act, and then the Untouchables talking, We're just a couple of guys with class. Yeah. We're up to our elbows in class.

We know a million stories how the farmer's daughter got laid, but we're so goddamn classy that we piss lemonade. We're a couple of guys with class. Right. Did they do sketches? They did musical sketches? Yeah, they had the gangster sketch. They had the gangster sketch.

They did the Wizard of Oz in Italian. They had the soap opera. sketch, they did, they did Westside Story. Oh, yeah. It was a whole, yeah, it was just, just classics. And they would, then they would kill. They would kill, and then, you know, their audience passed away. So then they went up, Buddy and Bobby, and they would work in the mountains, and they would kill.

They would kill. And I remember they could never, they had the big gangster sketch, and they could never get the ending quite right this is 20 years they were working and here's here's one ending that and you can't pull i don't know how this didn't work but the it's uh bobby alto who had a great face he died a few years ago at the two one pitch and he um he had a great face and uh he was the the mother and and uh buddy is the gangster on the lamb and he goes to see his mother at the And she's sick. She's sick.

And so the line is, here's how they close. And then they would sing Sunny Boy was the end. But the last line was, oh, oh, it's all going black. Your eyesight, my, no, the neighborhood. I love you so sunny boy. That was an ending that didn't work. That was an ending that didn't work. The old buddy, a debt of gratitude, he hooked us up with Barbara Felden for the podcast, which is very nice of him to do.

Well, you know what Larry Amaroos, when they were dating, Larry Amherst used to call them 99 and 100. That's funny. I have two Larry Amoros stories. One is, and Larry, and we were all together at Catch, and Larry is, you know, my oldest friend in comedy. I hope Larry listens to the podcast. I hope he does, too. I hope someone listens to the podcast. My favorite bit of Larry's was he would talk about how his father never had a bad word to say about anybody.

And they would try and test him all the time. So one time Larry says, oh, yeah, well, what about John Wayne Gacy? He murdered 38 people and he buried him under his house. And the father said, well, he wasn't lazy and he was a homeowner. So that was a bit of Larry's. And Larry also had, I think, the most unique exchange. with somebody in the audience that I ever heard. And for my money, the funniest because nobody could have ever come up with it except Larry.

He's on stage at Carolines when it was down on the docks. And there's a guy in front, and he's emceying. And he was, and anybody, he was, I think he was the best emcee of all that era. I mean, nobody came up with more original stuff just talking to the audience. And so there's a guy, and I was on the show that night. So he's talking to a guy in the audience. from out of town. A guy up front raises his hand. Where are you from? I'm from

Grover's Mountain, Vermont. And Larry's about to say, what do you do? And the guy says, it was named for a man named Grover who climbed to the top of the mountain. And Larry said, well, thank God they didn't catch him throwing up in a shell station. To me...

He was fast. Oh, my God. Nobody faster. Nobody faster. Nobody faster. Now, there were all those comics back then. They were like Larry David. You used to be at the clubs all the time. Well, Larry, I mean, the first time I ever saw Larry was December of 1981.

And what would happen back then is all the comics that had moved to L.A. would come back to New York to be with their families for the holidays. And so the shows were amazing. So now I get to catch and this, you know, Larry David's. here. And this is when he was working on Fridays. And so I'm in the bar, and it's me and Ron Zimmerman and we see Larry, he's pacing back and forth in the bar. And Ron Zimmerman says to him, hey, what's with the pacing? And Larry Davis said, do you know Woody Allen used to throw up before I went on every time? And I said, oh, I got to go see this. So now he goes on and it's prime time. It's 10 o'clock

and the place is packed. And I got to see this. So he gets on stage. First two lines kill, you know, you know what they said about attractive people. We're not well liked and all that great. Can I use the two form with you, people? Because I think Gustav is two form, you know, all that stuff. First two lines kill, then another line doesn't do that well.

And he says, is it hot in here? Then he does a couple of lines that kill, and then a line doesn't do that way. it's really, really hot in here. Then he does a line that does well, it does a line that does. You know, you pay this kind of money and the air conditioning is faulty. Now the audience says,

they don't know what's going. Now he does two lines in a row that go nowhere. You know, it's really, really hot in here. And a guy in the audience makes the mistake of saying, hey, what's your problem? And Larry's, what's my problem? I'll tell you what my problem is. And he storms off the stage.

And little did I know that this was something he did all the time. Susie Esmond told us he stormed out because he was doing a joke about a bungalow. And some woman said, what's a bungalow? Yeah. He would get into a fight on stage within two minutes. Absolutely. And it was that when he, it was a miracle when he, when he could do his 20 minutes.

One time Larry was on stage and he would get into fights in a second. In a second. And sometimes even when he was doing well. Right. One guy wouldn't laugh. And he got into this fight and they're getting really angry at each other.

And finally this guy screamed, in the audience, screams out at Larry. Oh, yeah? Well, your mother fuck's my dog. And Larry goes, well, I bet your dog does. doesn't like it. And of course he wrote a Cinemax comedy experiment for Gilbert.

Oh, yes. Norman's Corner. Oh, right. One of those few failures. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It almost stopped. It's funny that Norman's Corner that he wrote for me was so bad that when they were going to be doing Seinfeld. And Seinfeld, they said, well, he said, well, he was.

He's got Larry David writing it, and they said, isn't he the one that wrote that piece of shit for Gilbert Godfrey? I mean, perfect. One time, he was getting heckled at the improv by Elvis Costello. Oh, yes. I remember. Listen, you British fuck. That was the end of it. I had no idea.

I love it. Yeah. No, it was, and especially when he was doing well. Now, one night, and we used to, no, he wasn't on this show. You were on this show. It was you. Remember we used to play Liz Walinsky's little club at the duplex? Oh, my, yes.

Yes. So, listen, so I'm, this is, this is, it's, because I thought, when you think of Larry, you think of Bob Shaw. So I'm MC. Oh, Bob Shaw, yeah. And Bob Shaw's in the middle. You're closing. Yeah. So I go on.

I do whatever it is. I do. And then Bob Shaw goes on, and he's talking to a guy. in the audience and he says to the guy, where are you from? I'm from Oklahoma City and what are you doing Oklahoma City? I'm a psychiatrist. Really? You're a psychiatrist in Oklahoma? Well, what do you, what do you charge? The guy says, I charge $50 for a half hour. And Bob Shaw says, a half hour. He says, you know, everywhere, everything you ever read about psychotherapy, it's the 50-minute hour, the 50 minute. Now, are you, are you that good that you only need a half hour, or are people so

boring in Oklahoma City that all you need is a half hour? And then he does the, Doc, how many times do we have to go over in a jerked off once when I was 13? I feel real bad about it, and I'll never do it again. He became a writer, Bob Shaw. I think he wrote a Picks-R movie with, I think he wrote a Bug's Life with a guy named Don McKenry. Who was a comic, and they had a deal with Disney for years. Funny guy. And they wrote an early Seinfeld, which was... Plus, he's the cabby in Seinfeld.

He's that angry cabby in one episode. He's the angry cabby, and he's also a policeman. That's right. And it's the last scene where the Richard Gant, who's a veteran, a black actor, he's been in a lot of... And he says, do you know that there's a diner downtown that only has large rested waitresses? And Bob Shuggles... Really? Perfect.

Funny guy. Very funny guy. Very funny guy. Very funny guy. And they were big, they were big pals. The other, I'm running through my stories. I'm very happy about this. When I worked on the Oscars in 2005, I wrote for the Oscars, and Chris Rock hired all these comics that he liked and knew.

Jenny was one of them. Jenny was one of them. Yeah, I remember. Jenny was one of them. and and he hired, among others, he hired Richie Voss and he hired Nick DePollo. And Nick DePollo would just brutalize Richie Voss. And one time the three of us were waiting out in front of the hotel for the car to come. And Richie Voss was wearing like a sleeveless shirt and he had a tattoo on his arm that said, never again.

And DePalo said to him, what? Did a club owner give that to you after you headlined? And we're waiting for a car and he comes up with a leg. I've always said, and you know, and I know that, I mean, you know, Louis C.K. He's been huge and all the guys. But I always say if there was a cul-de-sac and there were two comedy clubs at the end of the cul-de-sac. And I don't care who was in one club. but if Nick DiPaulo was in the other club,

I'd go into the other club just because, you know, some guy is just going to terrorize some guy, you know he's going to be pissed off. You know, it's going to be an event. He said maybe one of the funniest jokes I ever heard on a roast, Nick. I hope it was his joke.

Was the Pam Anderson roast? And he said, I spent so much time jerking off to Baywatch, I had to hire a Dominican guy to stand next to the set with a squeegee. Oh, that's great. That's great. Well, he used to do a bit, he used to do a bit about women

who wear panty hose and no panties. He said, it looks like Fidel Castro trying to rob a bank. It's a tremendous line. I love the work of an exposure to all these guys, Larry Amaros and Bob Shaw. Funny guys that people should Google. I would be remiss if I didn't tell some stories about Dave, who loved you. You know, you were on the old show all the time, and every time he would make you do Gleason. Oh, yeah.

In Casablanca. Oh, we just saw a clip of that. Yeah, making you do the Gleason. Yeah. Yeah, that was Jackie Gleason and Casablanca. Yeah. You're getting on that plane with Vic Laslo. Oh, I know you're getting on that plane, right?

Because if you don't, you're going to regret it. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but show that for the rat to you life. I just sent you the clip. And have you done on this, have you done Humphrey Bogart in the post office? Oh, he just did Bogart this morning for already-a-ha. Because he, yeah, you said, Humphrey, Bogart in the push. Damn. Okay.

Now, what about Peter Lorry when you've talked, when you think the story's going to be short and the guy keeps going on and on with the story? This is Peter Lorry. Oh, wait, let's see. When you're telling Peter Lorry, when you're telling a story that's too long and he wants you to get to the end of it. And? Yeah. Yes. And then, oh, Bella Lagozy, when you ask him what time it is.

That's the one. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you ask him what time it is. Penn. What about Jerry Lewis and Tommy? Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. That would be. That one of where you. See me? That was, feel me. Touch me. See me.

Yeah. Feel me? See me. He's one of the reasons I tell him, Bill, that I got into comedy. I saw him at the comic strip in what? The 70s you were doing stand-up in the late 70s. And I saw him do the Ted Bessel does jessel. And the Jewish dress says, I like Bessel, but only Abyssal.

And I said, this is the most brilliant thing I've ever seen. Adrian once went up for an audition with Ted Bessel and turned to him before and said, do me a favor. Could you tell Marlow Thomas to blink once in a while? That was it. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah, I remember when I would do Letterman, I do my set, and I sit down on panel.

And he would always ask me to do the Gleason. Oh, he loved it. He loved the, he loved it. And I would, and I do the Dean Martin thing with him in the dressing room. The thing that he, he, he loved, he's like any other comic. He loves other comics bits that he remembers. Oh, yeah. you know, he would love, I would do Lano stuff.

You know, he didn't want to talk about Lano, but if I all of a sudden said to him, you know, Kirk gave you two known and an unknown. He'll say, of course, you men are familiar with the works of Plato, Aristotle, and Kremus from Remuelack 7. He would love that. Not many people would know this but you, Bill, but if you watch him, because you're, you know, you know. You're saying about how he loved comics, watching him do like Tim Thomerson's Charles Bronson bit that he would work into just banter with Paul. And you'd say how many people are catching that?

Right. Comics he loved like Johnny Dark, the people that he would bring on the show. And he'd channel these little bits. Well, there were times when he'd come out with some nasty sarcastic remark about some. And I remember one time in the middle of the show, he turned to Paul and said, Paul, have you seen Sousa Cole the musical? He would, that was, yeah, that was, it was in the, it would be in the middle, it would be after he sat down. And the show would be, would have started.

And there were many obligations of the host. And he would say, he'd be in the middle. And all of a sudden, say, Paul, guess I, guess who I ran into at the grocery store over the weekend? Mrs. Hulk Hogan. Okay, on the show today. Great. Yeah. He would do that.

He was doing that bit that Tim Thomerson used to do about Charles Bronson going into McDonald's. Do you remember? He would do, absolutely. It would be a zit-face. A zit-face. And he just suddenly put a pounder. Well, the other thing he would do, he would do the I dug 17 tunnels with my face. Yeah. And then Tomerson came on the show and did a recurring character.

Absolutely. He did the, it was the, what was the guy, Billy Bob, or it was some character. I'm trying to remember. It was a Western kind of a thing. And how did Larry Bud Melman come about? Well, the two guys that you know. Yes, Steve and Carl. Right. They found this guy at NYU Film. They were at NYU Film School and he walked in. I think he was, he was a part-time actor and he was, if I understand this, if I have the story right, he was working as a receptionist in a rehab in like a daytop village. That's right. That's right. And they brought in. him in to what the king of disease this movie that they made about was a I guess a parody of Samuel Z. Arcoff or Roger Corman or you know a Schlockmeister like that and that's what happened after that I guess Dave fell in love with him. Dave loved him that's how they got hired. Calvert. Yeah and and you know he was just a sensation and and very few guys early you know the thing that they always said about the old show, which is true, is the old show on NBC that we celebrated failure. And, you know, Calvert was the mayor of that town. I mean, holding the mic out to other people while he would speak. And he would kill Dave, you know, and Dave loved it. Well, we showed a clip

on the last show. All the bumpers were from the old show, either the morning show, the NBC show, and one of the bumpers we showed was Calvert as Santa Claus reading the night before Christmas, and he reads through lines. He says, all right, now I got to read it. Spanish. You know, it was always so put upon. Now, there was another story you got asked about, and this was the infamous Academy Award episode that Letterman hosted with the Uma Oprah. Right.

Where Uma Thurman and Oprah went for you, were both there. Right. And they would go cameras back and forth. Right. Oprah. Right. Well, what happened was we had the monologue in place. And I had to run it by standards.

And I run the monologue by them. And the woman says, this is great. And we're all set. We're ready to go. And now it's a half hour before the show. And Rob Burnett, who was one of the producers at the time. He had been the headwriters. It was still the headwriters.

No, he was one of the producers. And he had been a writer on the show for a long time. and this is a half hour before the show. And he says in the dressing room, Uma Oprah, Oprah, Uma, which is something we used to do on the top 10 all the time. It was like a sort of a standard formula in top 10. Dave says, this is great. We got to open with this.

So I say, you know, that would probably be good like midway through. I don't know if you, and Dave, he loved it. He says, no, this has got to be, this has got to be the way that I come out. And he was so excited about it. And I thought, well, the guy's excited about it. And he, Kianu, you know. So now, and this is 1995, so, you know, there were like three cell phones. I didn't have a cell phone.

So I remember calling Adrian right before the show started. And I said, they're going to do something at the top of the show. I really, really hope it works, but I'm not sure. And he came out of the shoot, Dave, and he does it and it doesn't go. And he had to, I think it staggered him. And I think, and he, it took him a while to recover. Now, the monologue actually did well. And there was a tape piece after that with him, with cab drivers that went very well.

But of course, that was the only thing people talked about. And he actually ended up doing very well. There were some great moments. There was a long tape piece about other actors auditioning for his role in Cabin boy. Oh, the want to buy a monkey. It was great. And it was great. And the thing got huge, huge ratings.

But he was only forever only remembered for that moment. And it was really too bad. Now, in terms of what I do, did for a living for a long time, being a monologue writer, we could always tap into that every year. It was a great source of, you know, every time the Oscars came around, we would always do the joke. You know, they called me today, and they said that my lifetime band was still in effect. And we would always do jokes about the fact that he had bombed there. But I always thought that it was a tremendous mischaracterization.

Yeah, I think he was too hard on himself, too. It was a funny show. But he just got, but that's all that people talked about was that. It was a stupid Patrick's segment, too. I remember a dog pulling a vacuum cleaner out of a closet. Right. And that audience just wasn't, you know, they were going to give it off for Dave during the day show. But I remember a week before the Oscars.

I remember Leonard Nimoy. No, not Martin Landau, who was up for, who actually won for Ed Wood. Right. Being quoted saying, I hope he's not too irreverent. And it was all kind of set up. It's like, this is our town. And you got to really, you know, they want their ass kissed. I mean, it's their night.

It's the, you know, and... But in his defense, nobody does well. Well, the thing... Chris had problems, too. And then 10 years later, I work with Chris. Right. And I thought that Chris did a great job, but yet it was, you know, he made fun of Jude Law, and nobody's allowed to make fun of Jude Law.

And it's just sort of silly. And what they do is they kind of hold their finger up to the wind after the thing's over. and if the ratings aren't that good, then all of a sudden the whispering starts. But with Dave, the ratings were like record ratings. So I never really understood that. And, you know, it's, I can still remember. I mean, I just, and I remember, and I knew it hadn't gone well.

And I remember after the show, changing out of my tucks with Rob Burnett. And Rob Burnett said to me, I got to fly to London tomorrow. Save me all of the reviews. And I thought, really, you know, because I knew we were going to get killed. And then the other thing he said to me was, this is going to be, now that we know how to do it, this is going to be so much easier when we do it next year. And that was the last two things he said me because he had thought it was top to bottom.

And I knew it was going to be, it was going to be rough. It was going to be rough. But the thing that drove me crazy about that was not that night, but is the revisionist history that because day, Dave didn't do well at the Oscars. That was how Leno passed us, which is just absolutely not true. The Oscars were in February. Leno didn't pass us until June. So all of a sudden, four months later, people thought, you know, let's punish Dave for not being good at the –

I mean, that's not how it happened at all. And I always thought that that was tremendously unfair. And props to whoever came up with the idea of putting were number three in late night. That was Dave. That was Dave's idea. smart. Tell us a little bit about just because I think people are curious about you going to work there in the first place. I mean, you had done five packets before, do I have that number right? Absolutely. Before you actually ever got hired. Right. I had submitted. And you were simultaneously

trying to get on as a comic. Right. Which I was, you know, I guess I was kind of close to getting on as a comic, but that's right. And I turned in, I try 83, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87. And then I took a couple of years off. And then I, because it wasn't, and you know, in show business, if they want you, they'll be in touch. And if they don't want you, they're not in touch. It's very clear cut. So it's 1991. and I run into Bob Morton at the Friars.

And I knew him from Catchy would always come in to see the comics. And I was always close. And he knew I was submitting. And I said to him, are you looking for anybody? And he says, no, we're not looking for anybody. He says, but you know, your packets are full packets. He said, just write jokes because Dave is always looking for jokes. So I said, okay, fine.

So I wrote jokes every day that week. I would walk them over to NBC and turn them in. And so Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then I get a call from Morton Thursday night. Now, if you remember, Bob Morton never called a comic back in his life. He was notorious for that. He calls me at my house and says, Dave did one of you jokes tonight. And the first joke I ever got on, this is October of 1991, and the joke was, well, Elizabeth Taylor and her new husband, Larry Fortensky, had their first fight, it was over whether or not he should unpack.

I remember the joke. That was my first joke. And then the next night, he did another joke of mine. And this was back in NBC when the monologue was three jokes long. He only did three jokes. So Morton calls me again, and he says, this is unbelievable. He says, you've got jokes on two nights in a row. He says, we've got writers here that don't get things on for months.

And so I said, like Peter Lorry, and I said, and he said, well, it turns out we have an opening for a monologue writer. I said, well, what else do I have to do? He says, no, you're fine. And then I went to, Adrian and I were working in Vegas the next week. And so it was all I could do not to think about this. And then I came back and I met him. And he had met me a couple of times at the club when he would come in. And I remember, and Adrian loves to tell this story where one night, he would stay and watch you. And then one night you came off stage and he went up to you and he said, you keep doing whatever it is you're doing up there. And it's vintage children. Yeah, whatever it is, you keep, whatever that is, you keep doing that.

And so I go in and he recognized me because I had gone with a couple of comics when they're on the show. I went with Mendoza. I went with Moore when they would appear in the show. Oh, John Mendoza. Yeah, yeah. Funny guy. Oh, my God. And so John Mendoza is one of those guys who, like a lot of really good comics, they have great lines that they only did like a couple of times.

and his one of his great lines he would get on stage and he would say any uh any vietnam vets out there all right I'm the only one again and that was I used to love that because no but of course everybody had gotten out of Vietnam in the audience so I go in and I

have the meeting with Dave and he recognized me and so we talk and he keeps saying to me I hope we can work something out and it's like what do you need to you to fucking ask me you know and and then he said, and it was me and him and Steve O'Donnell, the headwriter, and Morty and a couple other producers.

And then he said, well, go, go talk to Steve and then make sure you come back here and say goodbye before you leave. Very, I'm stunned by that. So I meet with Steve, and again, I hope we can work something. You know, come on. Another very funny guy. Oh, hilarious. Oh, very, you know, one of the, when they write the history of late night comedy, he gets a big, chapter. I mean, he really...

His brother was a good writer, too. Was a brilliant. Playwright. Yeah, playwright. And died a couple of years ago. Yeah. Brilliant guys. Yeah. Two guys. And so I finished talking with Steve and I come back to say goodbye to Dave. And he said, I like

you jokes. I said, well, I got your voice in my head. I got it. And this is the only piece of advice, practical advice, he ever gave me about writing jokes. He said, look, you got to keep it under four lines. I don't care how good the joke is. If it's over four lines, it won't fit on a

cue card. And that was the only piece of practical advice he ever gave me. Only feedback he ever gave me about writing jokes. He just let you go on your own. Of course, as the show evolved, rarely did I write a joke over two lines. But that was his advice back then. And then the last thing I said to him was, because I used to play a lot of ball in the park. I said, I hear your softball team needs a center fielder. And he says, we need everything. And then I got hired the next day. Didn't you talk about cigars too? Yes, we did.

We talked about cigars. That's right. And then when I get hired, my first day, I keep shutting the door to my office. And his assistant comes by and says, Dave would like you to leave your door open. Because he had quit smoking cigars so he could smell cigars. So I go, okay, fine. And then like two weeks later, Dave would like you to switch offices with Jill Davis. so you could be in the office next to him and keep your door open.

And then like two days later, he was smoking again. So it's like my job was done. And congrats on that last monologue, which was just so strong. It was you and Steve Young and Chris Bel Air. It's me and Steve Young and Chris Bel Air. Really? Mahon and Barry, who wrote for Carson for 20 years. And Chris Albers, who wrote for us for a little while.

I know Chris. Yeah, it was that. That was the Gabor keeping up with the Gaborz. Yeah, yeah. That was the boys. The boys did that. Really funny. Really funny. And we should just quick before maybe moving off, Letterman, but we should give a shout out to I just read yesterday about to this intern who wrote a couple of the top ten jokes.

And I saw you online. Absolutely. And she was. Yeah. Well, that was a great thing. And I'll never forget they, the day of the last show, they handed out what was the final top ten at the time in the morning. and they hand her and I see her go, and she starts to cry. And she had Bill Murray's line. And so everybody was thrilled for her. She's a very sweet girl, very smart, very smart girl.

We really like to, you know, with interns, you know, the difference between men and women interns, you know, women, they work hard, they come in early, they stay late, they work really hard. And guy interns just want to be mistaken for a real. writer. So she was great. And then I see her at the rap party afterwards, and I say, what a big day for you.

You had the number one, the top ten. She said, I had the top two because they had switched to the face. And they turned in her. Good for her. Yeah. Congratulations to her. Caroline Shaper was her name. Good for her.

We got to ask you this now. Gilbert, you know, because you're a sports guy. Right. And so is Gilbert. And Gilbert is, as we know. Now, we do a little mini episode, Bill, during the week, and Gilbert, to my surprise and shock, recommended a sports movie.

He talked about bang the drum slowly. And he sang, we won't, we'll spare you him singing the song because we did it to Artie this morning. But give us, you're a movie buff, you're a movie watcher. I've seen you talk about the Marks Brothers. Sure. Worst sports movie ever made. I got to go with, and I know he's a friend of all of ours,

but I got to go with Billy Crystal's 61 because I thought you're going to go for like a Babe Ruth story because for two reasons Linda Stassie from when she was at the post at the time is reviewing the movie and the first line of her review is I was watching this movie and a friend of mine came in

as Mickey Man, as the actors playing Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris were running in from the outfield and I said to him, what do you think this movie's about? And he said, gay cops? And then there's a scene at the end of 61 where he's a friend of yours and it was Mercedes Hall's kid. Michael, you know, Michael? Oh, my. Anthony Michael Hall.

Yeah, Anthony Michael Hall. Okay. So he played, he played Whitey Ford. And there's a scene at the end of the movie where the Roger, the Roger Marrish character, he's hit his 61st Homer. and he's at his locker he's at his locker and the bat boy comes over and is a foot taller than him

and the bad boy is a foot taller that I just you know that is right that is right up there as far as I'm concerned with a bad disport but you know bang the drum slowly it was was a good movie a great book

and the last line of it was the first I put it. I'll never rag anybody. From now on, I rag nobody. Yeah, I rag nobody. Yeah. One of the great lines of all time. Very good. That's very, yeah. But you shock me, Gil.

The man knows nothing about sports. We have a sports sponsor, Draft Kings, and he just, he just. I know sports. I know baseball players have very strange. And, you know, you wrote for Sports Illustrated. Your uncle was a famous golf writer. My uncle was Herbert Warren Wynn. I had a common Sports Illustrated for three years called The Show, which was the perfect marriage of all my careers, which was just topical jokes about sports. And, you know, I loved it.

You could never do a column like that now because at Twitter, people just react instantaneously. And you can read a lot of... I wouldn't know it. It's, you know what? What you have to do is a guy will come in and install the Twitter machine in your house. I'll tell you what's great about Twitter is you can post the jokes that your people don't take. Sure, sure, sure. Because I had, you know, I had plenty of that.

Yeah, right. I had one that I loved, which was when they had the earthquake in California, and in Los Angeles, it measured, in Los Angeles, it measured 7.4, 3.1 in the 18 to 49 demographic. Yeah. My favorite, but people, I'll tell you my favorite, my two favorite jokes I ever wrote for Dave. The first one was Frank Sinatra had come out with his own line of signature neckwear. And the joke was, I hope I'm not too late with a name for this alleged mob ties. That's funny. It's a funny joke.

Dave said, you know God wrote this joke. And then the other one, which I talked him into was a few months ago when, Pope Francis had said that he would not judge gay priests. But I believe his exact words were, let he who is without sin cast the first musical. That's another great joke. I loved how he would do the same joke two nights in a row if he believed in it. Well, he would do it. He would do it, A, because he believed it, but he would do it because he knew that the people watching at home were not the same people night after night.

So it was very stand-upian. And if a thing works, he would do it. One of my favorite things he did, he had on Sir Alec Guinness. And he said, now you had one of the greatest lines, a legendary line in movies. And would you say it for us? You know, it's in Star Wars. And he goes, no, no, I really. And he goes, no, please, we all want to hear it.

And the audience is cheering and finally goes, Oh, right. May the force be with you. And Letterman goes, yeah, well, that's not the line I meant. But okay. That was, yeah. Oh, that was true. Was it Blagojevich that came on and said,

I wanted to do your show in the worst way? Well, you did it. Yeah. Now, the other one is when we come out of commercial and Richard Simmons is all oiled up. and he's grabbed one of Dave's cigars, and he's very languidly pantomime in smoking, and he says,

David, will you teach me how to smoke a cigar? Richard, I think you got the hang of it already. And, you know, he's fake horrified. And he turned the fire extinguisher on him. Oh, that was, yeah. Well, that was the last time he was on, because then he was, you know, with Richard Simmons, you know, then you had to call the ambulance,

the fake ambulance for the fake, you know. You know, heart attack. I mean, he was a great guest when he was, you know, when he would show up. Who came up with the strong guy, the fat guy, and the genius? A piece of comedy I loved. That was a Rob Burnett piece. That was when Rob Burnett was the head writer. That was back in NBC, and we repeated it.

God, damn, but that was funny. Yeah. And I remember also he had on one of those inventors, the kid inventors. Right, right. And Letterman goes, okay, so show us the invention. Yeah. And the kid goes, it's not the. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Letterman goes, well, we might not have time for the. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I mean. So many moments. There's a million, yeah. We're telling Paul that montage at the end just to see. Well, that was Barbara Gaines. I just saw you giving her credit online.

But what an amazing thing to see. Six months it took her to do. It was just, and she had every. thing in there. And what happened with that guy, I forget his name already, from back to the future? Oh, Crispin Glover. Yeah. Bill and I were talking about it before. Trying to throw a kickbox. Yeah, and it was one of the, yeah, it was, I think it's one of those things where the, where people fall in love with the idea of something rather than the reality of something. So the idea of the Letterman show was be wacky.

Yeah. Be crazy. It's the anti-show. It's not like your father's tonight show. And so I think that he thought, well, this will be great. I'll do some kind of roundhouse kick. And, you know, Letterman just stopped everything and says, you know, we'll be right back. There were always those weirdo interviews. Harmony Corinne, the screenwriter did a weird one. But that was okay. And that was a little farther along. And Dave knew what was going on. And Dave. And, and Dave, you know, what was going on. And, and, and, Dave kind of grew to love that, that the weirder it was, you know, like the Joaquin Phoenix, even though I think that he was on to, I don't think he was in on it. No, he wasn't in on it, but he was on to the fact that it was all kind of nonsense. And it's like, okay, this is good. I'm going to have a good time with this. And the line that people always quote is, well, it would have been great if you could have been here tonight.

But to me, the line that I love was weight was a few minutes before that where he wasn't talking, Joachim and Dave says, could you share about with us about your time with the Unabomber? And you could see that he almost broke a couple of times. But, you know, the longer he did this, Dave, the more he loved when he would have to think on his feet. And in that same one, I think he said, well, I think I owe an apology to Farrah Fawcett. That was my line. Oh. I gave him that line.

Now, what was the Farah Fawcett incident? Well, she, I think that she was a little, I think that it was a little medication thing where she just didn't quite get it right before she came on. And there's that theory. And then there's Dave's theory, which was. she was doing a character. She was doing a wacky character like Carol Wayne on the Tonight, you know, where you're just sort of playing this sort of ditsy thing. But the thing that I remember about that, and I don't know if they showed, if they

showed this, forget the interview. Her entrance was phenomenal because she, you know, ladies and gentlemen, Farrah Fawcett, and she kind of backs out and she's looking on the floor of the stage for her lipstick. That's how she enters. And, to me, it was great. I mean, I don't know if the camera got that. It was probably, oh, Jesus is a mistake. Get on Dave.

But that was, you know, you knew this was going to be great. It's one of the reasons he was a great broadcaster. He'd work with anything that came out. You know, even an actor that was boring that you could see he wasn't really engaged with. He would make something out of it. Well, the thing that, you know, look, I was there for a lot of it, like 10 feet away. And I can't tell you how many times that he would be talking to an actor and he would say, let me tell you what I loved about this movie. There's a scene and he would quote this scene and, you know, get indebt.

He said, and I love that. And it was so vivid. And then they would show the clip and, well, thank you so much. and walk away, and I would, because he saw every movie, and I would, and I can't tell you how many times I walked up to him, and I said, so you like that movie, and he'd go, oh, no. It's like, are you, so you're a better actor than the guy that came on. It was amazing.

I seem to remember him not enjoying Leonardo DiCaprio on the show, and I don't remember him being well, he kept calling him Decapria, and he kept saying, he loved doing that. Right, right. It's Decapriot. There was tension. Yeah. And well, it was always because when you do it for that long and you know and you have firsthand knowledge of the big stars that behave and get it. And then all of a sudden a guy comes on and he doesn't think he has to participate in the process.

You know, be one thing if, okay, I guess this is the way it is that every big star, you know, thinks this is beneath him. And then it's like, okay, fine. But, you know, Clooney was a tremendous guest. You know, Jennifer Lawrence, I mean, they were great. Great with her. They were great. Great with Tom Hanks, the Slappy White Stories.

Yeah, I mean, Tom Hanks, yeah, and Tom Hanks was the kind of guy that would show up three hours early and tape stuff with the writers for future shows. You know, he was a phenomenal. Don't bend the shafts. Phenombo. Don't bend the chef. This is the last thing he did on the old show. He was a phenomenal guest.

He was very, very generous guy. Now, Martin Short is always my favorite guest. And Martin Short, my favorite line of, well, he would come out and be the same thing every time. Martin Short would come out and say, can I just say something? You look fantastic. Fantastic. I was watching on the monitor. You have a boyish quote.

I thought, is Rachel Maddow guest hosting this show? It would always be a line like that. And then he would do, and this is one of my favorite things that he does, that it's the very earnest sounding compliment that is not a compliment. And one time he said to Dave, let me just say something. I admire the decision you've made to wear your suits tighter. I mean, you've talked about commitment too, and Marnie Short is the king of committing. Well, that's the whole thing. bit. And Adrian and I talk about, it took us like 30 years to figure it out, is that the comics that are successful, it's complete commitment to the material. It's utter, you know, whether it's good or okay. I mean, that's the thing about Rickles. I mean, if anybody else is doing those lines, they're nothing. They're nonsense. But when Rickles comes out and sits down and says to Dave, great to be on a show that's not catching.

on. A little bit of salesmanship. Oh, my. But that's the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I, and then he would, he'd do that, and then he would turn to Paul and he'd say, Paul, I talk to the producers, the money's going to be about the same. And then he would go back.

Great. I mean, that's nothing. That doesn't mean. And there's no, that line is nothing. It's attitude and salesmanship. Right. But it's, yeah. Yeah, but it's not, but we know a lot of guys where it's, it's all attitude and there's sort of nothing behind it.

But the commitment. Yeah. Oh, my God. Martin's a joy to watch for that reason. Yeah. Yeah. Nathan, too, we'll commit to a bit. Well, yeah, Nathan, and Nathan, the thing about Nathan is that he would write, he and Matt Roberts, who became the head writer, they would write these 10-minute segments for him.

and they would write it the night before and by the next day Nathan had it memorized Yeah the last song was great Oh that was great that Matt wrote that song Yeah it was great Now Did you work the Jerry Lewis? I think you worked the Jerry Lewis roast

Didn't you the Friday? Oh yeah Okay so now Nathan was on that roast And the night before So Matt and I are writing for him And I had written this joke and you know we're at like odion downtown and it's packed and the joke was uh you know

Jerry and I have a lot in common uh we we both grew up wherever we grew up and we both have the same middle name shmangit Dave you know like that that's the joke and Nathan loved that and he kept and he kept drinking and it would get louder and louder and he would get louder and he We'd say, all, let me just try this joke again. And he would do it louder and louder every time. And Matt and I were looking away. But Nathan is, he's great. He really is.

I just love, I love watching him. So 24 years, Bill. Yeah. How do you? We had Paul here the other night, which we told you. And we said, how do you feel? I mean, Paul, you know, he's using the word gratitude. Right.

Well, I mean, I don't know. Has it hit you yet? No. I'll be the last to know how I feel. People ask me, what are you going to do? And I said, I'm going right from the show to the state hospital. And because it's all that, you know, it's your whole life for so long. And there were so many of us that worked there so many years.

Barbara Gaines was there 35 years. Jude Brennan was 35 years. Nancy Agostini was who runs the show from the floor. And Biff. It was the first writer's intern. And she was there 22 years. And Steve. And Steve.

Steve Young was the longest tenured writer. Steve Young had a year more than I did. And so I don't, you know, I just don't, I don't quite understand it. I don't think I will understand it. But, you know, it's an unbelievable experience to have started at NBC and to be there all through CBS and, you know, six thousand shows. It's insane. It's insane.

And, you know, Jay is thinking, yeah, I think I could do another $6,000. Your whole thing was, your whole Jay bit was Reagan was in the news. That was it. Yeah. Well, when Jay, it's like these people, I love on talk shows when you know something's been prepared for the guests to say. And what Jay was always like, so I read somewhere that you were stuck in an else. Levinia with a kangaroo? Yeah, right.

But the other thing about Jay, the other thing about Jay was that he never listened. He was always on the next question. So he would have a guest, and the guest would be, and then when I was six, my father began to molest me. And that continued until I was 17 and I left home. And then Jay, I understand you don't use mustard. He's on the next question. You could always tell that he was engaged in the monologue, but he was never engaged with a guest. Right.

You know, and then my husband beat me for years. I understand you have a collection of keys. So tell us quick about your band. Are you still doing the truence? Because Gilbert and I are huge British invasion fans. I know you are. We are. And that's what I'm doing this summer.

I'm going to focus on my music. You're not going to direct. We got six gigs. I started this band five years ago. It's the best thing I've ever done. We do British invasion in Garage Rock, nothing after 1967. What kind of British invasion are we taught? Like Jerry and the Pacemakers?

And we do deep cuts. So if we do Jerry and the Pacemakers, we don't do Fairy Cross the Mersey. We do. It's going to be all right. Was there like this real anger between Letterman and Leno? I think that they, I think they were. friends and I think that look you know I'm the wrong guy to ask because you know Jay you know Jay ever since I've known Jay and you know this whatever with Jay whatever

he's doing is the right thing and whatever you're doing is the wrong thing so years ago when he left New York and moved to L.A. and he said you guys they're all you got to move that's where the business is in L.A. And he goes to L.A. He tries to be an actor. And they say his face frightens children. So then he's, now he goes in the road. And he says, all you guys do want to be actors, you know, the road, that's where the real comes.

So whatever he's doing is right. And whatever you're doing is wrong. And he's always been that way. And my favorite story about Jay was, and you know Jeff Stilson. He's a great comic. He wrote for a letter to for a while. And then he created the Osbournes. He wrote on Ali G.

And he's done a lot of work with Chris Rock. So he was the producer on Chris Rock's. a talk show that he had on HBO for a couple of years. So Chris goes to do Jay, and Jeff goes with him. And Jay sees Jeff, and he says, come here for a second, I just want to tell you what Chris is doing wrong on his show. And Jeff says to Jay, listen, Jay, here's the difference between you and Chris. Chris is going for laughs, not votes.

and I always thought that was one of the great lines ever. And look, Jay, no better comic in the clubs. Absolutely a thousand percent. But I think that it was all about, you know, getting the gig. And, you know, I just don't, I think he pulled a lot of moves over the years that were less than gracious. And he had, you know, he won. I mean, his show was, I mean, after the first. first two years. I mean, he beat us regularly. So I think history will tell a different story.

Yeah, I mean, I think that, yeah, I think so. But with Jay, and I think we can all agree in the clubs, there was, there was nobody better, very strong, very hip, you know, and yeah, I just, he was, you know, he was a revelation to watch in the clubs. But as a talk show host, he was a comic that got a really plum game. That's what it was. He was just a comic. He wasn't a guy that aspired to be a broadcaster like Dave. But unquestionably successful and really held that. I mean, he held that real estate for a long time.

And he deserves a lot of credit for that. He deserves all the credit in the world for that. it's so funny to me to think that for years the biggest it was reported like like world war three that like Litterman leno and Conan like the wars going on between them the thing that all but but i don't think it was i don't think that uh you know the only time that dave and i would talk about jay was me doing the kirk bit i mean that really that really was that really was it so i don't i don't i I just think that they were, I think with Dave, this was a guy that used to be a big asset on his old show that became a competitor. So I just think the nature is you're not going to be best pals.

Now, the thing that fascinates me about Conan is that Conan has been on the air now for 22 years. And people still talk about him like he's been on the air about seven weeks. Yes. You know, he's getting pretty good. He's getting pretty good. He's like going to be a 22 years. I mean, not without talent. Not without talent, Conan. But I just find that fascinating. Were Jay and Dave civil to each other when they shot the Oprah? Absolutely. Oh, no, absolutely. Was there? A thousand. It was like, it was like no time had passed. It was they went right back into talking about old guys in the comedy store. And it was, it was really. So no tension.

No, no, it was no tension. And when we, so that which was a great spot, it was a great idea. I mean, I think Dave wrote the piece ultimately. You know, this is the thing about Dave Letterman. He was always the best writer on the show. He was always the best editor. He was always the best director. And he was always the best actor.

So it was a guy that you aspired to. But the other thing, three years later, or it would be four. years later, CBS got the Super Bowl again. And this was right in the middle of when there were a million late night shows. So Dave's idea was, but we couldn't get everybody. This was his idea. I still love this. Where it's, okay, it starts out the same and it's the pan on the couch. Yeah. And it's Dave, pan to Oprah, pan to Jimmy Kimmel, pan to Conan, pan to Jimmy Fallon. Okay? So that's the couch. And out of the kitchen comes Jay.

And it's, you know, and it's the light show with David. That's all he said. That was, and that was all Dave's idea. I remember being on Letterman where I think on the panel he just asked me some question, like, why do you work with your eyes closed? Right. And I just, the first thing I thought of, and I said, oh, it's something I picked up from Helen Cameron. Right. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. And it got groans from the audience.

And then I remember when I was home watching it and there's a commercial break and then he's introducing the next guest. And in the middle of the introduction, he goes, gee, it's kind of nice to see Gilbert come out and shoot himself with the foot. I remember that, yeah. One of the best things you could say about him is if you looked at the in the TV guy or you look, looked at the TV listings and you saw who was going to be on. If you didn't care at all about that person, you still wanted to see how David Letterman was going to interview that person. And I know you had Paul on here.

And let me tell you two of the great Paul lines. Paul, let me just say this, would be paying attention most of the time. Yeah. So one night. He said that the other night. He said that the other night. He said, I bet I took my eyes off. year, this is about a year ago.

Dave is talking about something. And I says, Paul, what is the biggest movie of all time? And Paul goes, uh, the yearling. That was it. And, you know, five people laugh. But this is, this is the greatest Paul line, in my opinion. We're doing a top 10 one night. And this is about, again, a little less than a year ago.

And it was, it was an item in the news. And what it was was in the upcoming edition of Archie, Archie gets killed. Yeah. He gets murdered. He is defending a gay friend of his and he jumps in front of a guy. He takes the bullet. Okay. So Dave is setting up the top 10, which was other comic book twists.

But he's setting it up by saying, and Archie jumps in front to say, save a friend. He takes a bullet and he says so, and this is like just about six months ago, he says, so Archie, he's dead. He's gone. So what 's going to happen? What's going to happen to know? To Veronica

and Betty and Jughead and Paul interrupts and said, well, Archie made sure that in the event of his death his staff would continue to be paid. And it was right after David announced his retirement.

And people went crazy. Archie made specific. I mean, it was just perfect. And that Paul was so valuable. Valuable. I will miss them both terribly. And I want to put a black armband on, so I can't imagine how you feel. I've watched for 33 years, Bill.

No, well, I'm going to wear one all the time. I remember when Paris Hilton was on this show after she had gotten arrested and served time. Right. And she said, well, I, he, and. Old Dave wanted to talk. And she goes, well, I don't really want to talk about my time in prison. And he goes, well, see, that's the difference. That's all I want to talk about.

And then she started to cry. And then somebody in the balcony yells out, I love you. And Dave said, somebody you met in the joint. Really funny. And he was, but, you know, he was so great with Martha Stewart because Martha would come on and she'd be cooking something. And he would say to her, Martha, how is that syndicated column you have going, tails from the slammer? And he just messed with her. He'd drink the mayonnaise.

Right. Right. Right. But he would, yeah, it was, whenever there was a little tension, it would go a long way. I heard Martha Stewart had a crush on Letterman. Absolutely. A thousand percent. And lived in his town.

Yeah. Yeah. For years. For years. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, Martha Stewart. And then when she was, you know, when we found out that she was online dating.

Yeah. That was phenomenal. Put a man on Martha Stewart. Yeah. Okay. So this has been Gilbert. I'm Gilbert Gottfried. You are.

Yes. I'm still Gilbert. Godfrey. I had a joke. Thank you for telling me. Wait, let's hear a joke. Wait a minute. I have, well, this is,

uh, I wanted to do a joke that was kind of inside that I knew you would appreciate it. And I hope you don't know this joke. And the joke is that there's a, there's a comic and a ventriloquist. And they know each other for 20, 30 years. They know each other's act inside and out. And they meet each other in the street.

And the comics is the ventriloquist. How's it going? The ventriloquist says, I got this cruise and I have to do because they don't turn over the audience I got to do two completely different half hour sets

and I don't know what to close the second show with so the comics says what about when you're sniling you didn't know that one okay I'm still Gilbert Scottprey and this is still Gilbert Scott

Fried's amazing colossal podcast. And unfortunately, my co-host is still Frank Santo Padre. Get this every week. And our guest this week was the very funny Bill

chef. I have to say, too, Bill's a kind of guest where we don't have to do anything. You just sort of relax and be entertained. I like a guest that brings their own... I'm all caught up now with Gilly, so we're all set, saying... Great. But I'll say one last thing about Leno. Who remembers that you're talking about his

the acting and his face-scaring children. Who remembers the action movie, the buddy movie that he made with Pat Marita? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you remember that? It was like Turner and Hooch, but it was something else. It was collision course. Oh, collision course. I'll tell you what, he was very good, and he was very good in American Hot Wax.

That's right. That was a good. Floyd Nutrix. Floyd and Gail Mutrix. You're right, buddy. You're good. Yeah. Okay. Did you sign off? Yes. Okay. Thank you, Bill. Thank you for paying attention. It was very entertaining.