Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal 6th Anniversary Show: Part One

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

Gilbert and Frank celebrate the podcast's 6th anniversary and the recent release of their 300th episode by welcoming returning guests MARIO CANTONE, MARILU HENNER, RICHARD KIND and PAUL SHAFFER (as well as several surprise guests!) for an evening of music and laughter at New York City's Cutting Room. Also in this episode: Forrest Tucker sinks a putt, Irwin Corey eulogizes Soupy Sales, Burt Reynolds throws Johnny Carson off his game and Gilbert "makes love" to Dolores del Rio. PLUS: "Lonesome" George Gobel! Remembering Tony Randall! Richard praises David Letterman! Marilu fills in for Bob Hope! And a screen legend pays the boys a surprise tribute! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager.

Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Imagine you're in Ottawa strolling through artistic landscapes at the National Gallery of Canada. Oh. Then cycling past Parliament Hill. Ah.

Before unwinding on an outdoor patio. Oh. Then spending an evening on a cruise along the historic Rideau Canal. Ah. Exploration awaits in Ottawa. From O to Ah. Plan your Ottawa itinerary at ottawatourism.ca. Hey guys, Frank here. Our star-studded 6th anniversary show

live from the cutting room. Clocked in at two hours, which is a little bit long for one of our standard episodes. So we're going to do something different. We're going to release this one in two parts. So here is part one of the live show featuring the charming and delightful Mary Lou Henner and Richard Kind, plus some surprise anniversary wishes at the top of the show from some amazing colossal guests

whose voices you may recognize. So enjoy. This is part one and we will post part two next week. Hello, hello. I sound really loud on this. we did it oh my god i am going to relax i am going to sit down i'm going to relax after this thank you all first of all thank you all the podcast fans for coming you guys can you raise your hand if you're here with the podcast with with the Listener Society, thank you all so much. And thank you everyone else for coming. You might notice there's a 300 balloon up there. 300 balloons.

This is our 300th episode. Came out this week. You might notice there's a 50 balloon over there. That's because my 50th was on Monday. notice there's a 50 balloon over there? That's because my 50th was on Monday. Gilbert, I can't see you, but I love you, and you may notice there is no 65. And the reason there is no 65, even though Gilbert's birthday is on Friday, and we are celebrating his birthday, is because I said, Gilbert, where would you like me to put the 65? And he said, put it up your ass. So, no, it's Gilbert's birthday too.

Okay, anyway, I worked really hard the last couple weeks putting this surprise together. Nobody knows about this. Gilbert doesn't know about this. Frank doesn't know about this. This is a surprise for Gilbert and Frank. Please pay attention to the screens and enjoy the next couple of minutes. Hey Gil and Frank, Howie Mandel here, just wishing you congratulations on your 300th

episode. It's unbelievable. My biggest takeaway or my biggest memory from all the episodes you've done is really the... Gilbert, Frank, hey. It's Gilbert Gottfried's... They're celebrating the 300th episode. Yeah, I want to congratulate you. Nothing says loving like some of them.

We're all here in the kitchen. This is my fam. To you and also to Dara. Happy birthday to both of you. And Frank, Frank Santopadre. You know, between you and Gilbert, it's a magical and wonderful thing. And thank you so much for sharing your show with everybody. And congratulations on your 300th episode.

Amazing. This is Al Pacino. And I just wanted to add my congratulations for Gilbert and Frank as they turn 300 years old. No, as they celebrate. Celebrate. As they celebrate. Celebrate. As they celebrate. Celebrate. Celebrate their 300th episode.

Of The Amazing Causes. Of The Amazing Causes. Okay, then I celebrate. Also, happy birthday, Gilbert and Dara. And have a great night. Today, I saw the dummy in the window. I can't do an inside joke. Congratulations, Gilbert, on your 300th episode.

That's 299 more than anybody expected. And happy birthday, 65 years old. You're the son I always wanted. And Dara, happy 50th birthday. I love you guys very much. I mean, physically. And Gilbert, I want you to climbth birthday. I love you guys very much. I mean, physically. And Gilbert, I want you to climb me next time I see you. And congrats, 300 episodes.

I expect another, you know, 900 more. And I want to be on four of them. But you can cut me out. I love you. Congrats. Hey, Gilbert. Hi, Frank. This is Billy West.

In honor of your 300th podcast, I can't believe it, I'm going to pump myself 300 times with this. Oh, yeah, hi. I'm Pumpy the Penis Pump, and I'm going to pump. Well, you're going to pump. I am? Yeah. Yeah, keep pumping. Make sure it's on full suction strength, though. And you won't get a priapism, I promise.

Oh, wow, okay. You lied! It's a priapism! Hi, this is Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller, currently playing at the Penn & Teller Theater at the Rio All Suite Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets available Saturday through

Wednesday, every night, all the time. Come on by. It's a great magic show. And I want to congratulate my very, very good friend Gilbert Gottfried and Frank

Frank. Congratulations on your very successful Cooper Gottfried and Frank. Frank. Yeah, Frank. Congratulations on your very successful 300th podcast. It's a podcast. Just a podcast. Okay, fine. Podcast of the great big colossal show. Very successful, I guess, for a podcast.

San Padre and Godfrey. Good friends of mine. Very good friends. Jesus, he's turning also his birthday. 65. This is an old guy with a podcast. Good.

Congratulations. Congratulations and wonderful and good friends. And I can't wait to see you again. A Pendulat, Penn & Tell in Rio, All-Suite Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets available Saturday through Wednesday, 9 o'clock. Hey, how you doing? I was recently asked to make a short video to congratulate my old friend Gilbert Gottfried on his 300th podcast. That's a hard pass. I'm not going to do that.

I'm just way too busy. I'm a busy guy. I mean, do people think that I spend all day long congratulating other people on their podcasts? No, I don't do that. That's not what I do. I mean, what kind of request is that? What are people thinking? Do they think I'm on cameo or something? I'm not on cameo. I don't have a side hustle. I don't do that. I'll tell you. Okay, here's a good compromise. I will acknowledge the fact that Gilbert has had 300 podcast episodes, but I'm not going to say how I feel about that one way or the other because I'm just too busy to do that.

So, just... So, 300... 300 podcasts. Gilbert and Frank and Dara, congratulations and love to all of you. In the spirit of your wonderful podcast, I realized that I have to do things backwards. You know, if you ask Gilbert not to mention something, he leads his show with it. So I thought, well, the only thing I can do that is really going to work as well as that. I thought, don't look your best when you do this.

Just just climb out of bed. Look like you've been recently electrocuted and tell them that you love them. So I just did. Hey there, Gilbert and Frank. You know, I wish, I really wish I could be there tonight. I lowered my rate, but the guys wouldn't pay my fee. So I'm just not going to be able to make it. Oh, well, what are you going to do?

But I'm sure it's going to be a great time. And I really do think it's tremendous what you've done. 300 podcasts. Who knew? It it's beyond belief it's extraordinary it's like some sort of a home run record if you guys were athletes but haha that's not happening and let me wish you a happy birthday to Dara who for some reason has married you Gilbert I don't know what drugs you gave her, but it's spectacular. Happy 35th birthday, Dara. And Gilbert, happy 103rd to you. My best to everybody there. Enjoy. Have a great night. 300. What an accomplishment. I mean, that is a lot of words, but then Gilbert Gottfried is filled

with a lot of words and unbelievable humor. I am sorry that I'm not there to hug you in person. Congratulations. 300 more, please, and give my best to your family. Bye. Happy birthday, Gilbert Gottfried. Happy birthday, Darrenara Gottfried Gilbert. Aye, aye, aye. 65 years old. An Alta Kaka. But you stole the cradle with that lovely Dara. I got to tell you, I want to congratulate you and Frank on your 300th podcast.

Keep doing what you're doing. I don't know what the hell you're doing, but you're a hit. You're a big hit. I love doing your show. I got so many calls from friends saying, Neil Sedaka, you're funny. You're funny. You should stop singing and writing. You should go on Curb Your Enthusiasm, like the other kvetch, the Yenta Kvetch on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Anyway, I'm sorry I can't be with you. Congratulations to both of you and many, many more years of success. Bye. Bye. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the host

of Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast, Frank C. Padre and Gilbert Gottfried. Tengku Wow! You're over there. I am speechless. Wow. Wow. 300 shows. First of all, Al Pacino? Dara?

Do you have a reaction to that? I wanted De Niro so I think she fucked up Yeah I guess we can book maybe we can book Al Pacino now What Beverly said brought tears to my eyes If he gets old enough that he doesn't know what show he's doing.

Derek kept that a surprise from us. I don't know how she did it. I didn't think some of those people were still speaking to us. Yeah, and that just shows the only people alive from the podcast.

Yeah. Did you guys enjoy the 300th show with Gilbert as the special guest? Gilbert said we've officially run out of guests. Yeah.

I have to catch my breath from that video. I'm absolutely stunned, Dara. We'll talk. Who of the hardcore fans here,

where's the rabbi, by the way? Where is he stand up David there you are David Komorowski flew in from Texas for this show and when he goes back to Texas I'll hang them of the hardcore fans here and I know you guys, who caught on to what the music mix was about where everybody was seated?

Anybody? What was it? Yeah, but more than that, every one of those songs Gilbert covered on the podcast. I covered with soil. Footloose and Stephen Bishops, it might be you

and Tommy James, Moni Moni. Ready to take a chance again. Ready to take a chance again. Charlie Fox. 300 shows. What do you think? I'm exhausted, personally. Yeah. Well, I just wanted to announce I'm retiring.

Fake news. We're going to run down the format. I did want to say, though, 300 shows, and people have heard this on the podcast, this is a show that Gilbert did not at all believe in at the beginning. No, we had one guest. Should we say who the guest was? You can say. He's left us.

Okay. We had on Professor Irwin Corey. He was our first, our maiden voyage. And we went to his house and he was always funny, confused funny. And now the funny part was gone, but there was a lot of confusion. And we left there, and I went to what I call a pizza store. It was far from here. It was a few blocks from here.

Yes. And I was sitting there and I said to Frank I said well alright we tried that's it that's it with the podcast

and and and something happened somehow oh Dick Cavett Dick Cavett Dara Dara called me up

after the Erwin Corey episode we had no idea what we were doing. We were at Erwin's house. He was under a blanket. He was 106, the poor thing. We didn't know what we were doing either. We were terrible at it.

And I said to Dara, we need an automatic guest. We need somebody that's going to come in here and basically do a lot of the work. Yeah, Dick Cavett was one of those that we called self-interviewing guests. He showed up at Gilbert's house six years ago. Yeah. This month.

Unbelievable. And plug and play and we had a podcast and somehow we've done this for six years and 300 shows. Actually if you count the mini episodes, it's over 500. Which is staggering. Scary.

Yeah, scary. Yeah. So I just want to run down the format. What we're going to do tonight, we're going to have some of our favorite podcast guests have generously agreed to be here. Okay. And to join us. I think you know who they are. We have some other ones in the audience, and at some point we will go out and meet them

and talk to them. Some of our guests are going to sing. Gilbert is going to sing by popular demand. Thank you. So pregnant women and people with nervous disorders. And I want to introduce the band. These guys are godsends and came together on short notice. This is the amazing Colossal Orchestra, ladies and gentlemen. Our piano player for the night, Seth Saltzman, who you've heard on several episodes. The great Joe McGinty of Joe's Pub and Loser's Lounge and a million other things. And Julian Maley.

What do you think of that? The amazing colossal orchestra. Unbelievable. Or I thought of Gilbert G and his musical three. Yes. What do you think? So we may not get to it at the end too so I want to thank some people because it takes a lot of people

to put this show together. Boy I am blinded by these lights. I can't see much of anything. 300 shows 500 shows again if you want to count the many episodes. A lot of people jumped on board this train after we started and we have to thank them because I don't think

we're going to get to them at the end, and I'll do it quickly if you'll indulge me because many of them are here. Greg Pair is up. Greg Pair does our Twitter, and he's fantastic.

He's been with us from the very beginning. He's indispensable. Mike McPadden, who runs our Facebook page. John Seals, who's our webmaster. David Simon in the house.

David takes our pictures, does video, is a wonderful photographer. Frankie Verderosa is up there somewhere who engineered over 100, maybe 200 shows. He lost three of our shows. Fuck him. It's not true. It's not true. It's not true. John Tesler, a graphic artist and designer

who designed those wonderful pins that you guys have seen, got on Patreon, the chicken pins. John Fodiatis is here who composed music for the show, for the Colossal themes and many other episodes.

And John Murray. Where are you, John? You here, too? Musicians John Beach, who did those wonderful interstitials on the show. Chris DeRose, who helped with research. Is Paul Rayburn in the house? Raybone!

Paul's great. Has been along for the ride. We want to thank everybody at Sirius, especially Jack Vaughn, and we want to thank the people at Starburns, Brian Baldinger, all the people who've helped book the show, including some of the people that you're going to meet tonight.

Kathy Schaefer, who's here, who's been a godsend, who's helped us book the show. The great Gino Salamone. You remember him. No. I'm not familiar with him. Gino could not be here. He was snowed in in Milwaukee.

But we love him and we're sending our love. And I have to thank... And it turned out not to be. What happened? He canceled his flight and then there was no snow. Son of a bitch. Yeah. Because he didn't want you to steal his stories.

Yeah. I have to thank my lovely wife who's here, Genevieve, who does so much for the show behind the scenes. And my, and of course, Dara Gottfried. He put this together. And he put this wonderful... And we want to thank all of you guys for coming out. All the people who flew in.

I don't know if it's raining out. I just want to say, even though my wife is here, if any of you want to fuck me, just when I come off stage. Even after Al Pacino? Yeah. She got you Al Pacino? Yeah. She got you Al Pacino. Unbelievable. Why do I feel like Beverly shamed him into doing that

or threatened him? We can call him now. We can call him and invite him on the show. I'm going to call Steve Lee Strasberg. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball.

BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Get to know yourself and your roots better in 2024 BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. There's so much of you and your heritage to discover. Visit Ancestry.ca and get started with an Ancestry DNA kit today. Anyway, thanks for coming out.

Thanks to our celebrities in the house. We're going to have some fun. We're going to bring up our first beloved podcast guest, Richard. Gilbert has an intro here. You want to put your glasses on? Sometimes during, to show the difference in preparation, sometimes in the middle of an introduction, Frank will slip in the name of the guest.

That's happened a couple of times. With Greg Evigan specifically, right? Because you kept calling Greg Evigan Glenn. Yes. During the show. So I wrote a card that said Greg in big letters. It was when the days were at Gilbert's Kitchen Table. And I slid it across the table.

And he outed me. Instead of being surreptitious about it, he said, oh, yeah, Frank just told me your name. You know this guy? Yeah. The guy that's standing in the wings? When I say this,

should I start it out with hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried and this is Gilbert Gottfried? We didn't even introduce the show. No. You want to do an introduction? It's really too late for that. Yeah.

Anyway, this is Gilbert and Frank's amazing, colossal anniversary show. Very good. He got it in one take. Our first guest tonight is a regular on this podcast, and he's also a loyal listener who even helps us book the show. You know him from Mad About You, Spin City, Gotham, Argo,

Pixar's Inside Out, and hundreds of other film and TV projects. The old way... I've got so much fucking more than what you have on that card. The fuck is this? We try to shorten them this time. Like the shy and retiring Richard Kine.

Why do I get a short introduction? Why what? What, are you trying to change things after 300 episodes? What do you mean? Oh, we didn't do the introduction. Give me two and a half minutes. I was overwhelmed. Oh, my God.

I was emotionally overwhelmed by the video. Actually, the last time I was here, I stopped the introduction. Has anybody ever been so much slower than you? It's awkward. It's a little awkward. First of all, when you asked me to do this, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you go, oh, it's this Wednesday night. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then this, this is unbelievable. What are you going to do with 300 or 400? Can't top it. Oh, my God. This is unbelievable. What are you going to do with 300 or 400? Can't stop it. Oh, my God. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. However, I want to, I have, you know, I was once told, always prepare panel.

Think that you are going to come with something. I have nothing. But I did wear brown shoes. Oh, in honor of George Goebel. Thank you. I knew you would know it. Does everybody know it? No.

Because he said we're going to do this Carson style. And it's the best line. Even Ed Ames with the tomahawk. Tomahawk, this is better.

Does everybody know the quote? Yes. Okay. Because I'm going to say it because at least I'll be funny with one thing.

George Goebel was on the panel with Bob Hope, Sammy Davis Jr., and Dean Martin. I was on the Tonight Show, and Dean Martin kept flicking cigarettes onto George Goebel, and George Goebel said, do you ever feel like the world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes? That's it. And that is simply the finest line of all time. It's great. How many people actually remember George Goebel?

Lonesome George. And Alice. And his wife Alice. Spooky old Alice. Sure. What kind of crowd, Rich? Alright. What do you want to talk about? I got nothing. I'm not kidding. Okay, I will tell you this. The last time I was here, do you know what was on this stage?

Karaoke strippers. Women who shouldn't be on the beach in a bathing suit were up here singing and stripping. Yeah! So what's going through my mind right now? I got something for you.

Go ahead You once said You can't book me Don't book me Don't try to schedule me If somebody cancels I'll show up That's what I am

I'll be your show's Tony Randall I'll be Tony Randall, yes That's what I wanted to be And that is how boring my life is I'm available Today, February 26th Is the 100th birthday of Tony Randall.

And he's expecting his fourth child. Wow. And you didn't even say, I didn't even know that line was going to come. Lennon Rosenberg. Wow. That's crazy. Did you hear your tribute on the Paul Reiser show?

Yeah, so let me tell you something. So Paul Reiser is a guest on the show and he's going, well, you know our good pal Rich Kind. Oh yeah, he's great, great. And he,

if you listen to it, three times he's going, yeah, but our good friend, and then of course he's got to sing my, praise me and everything. I was so embarrassed listening to you. I will tell you the funniest thing.

This is your podcast. And this is the sheep wrangler for him. But the episode you did with Artie Lang was the funniest episode I had to pull over when he was doing, you remember Coppola's quote about what is it going to be? The Godfather meets Abner Costello meets The Godfather and he's going you're telling me that Pazzini

killed Clemenza and I pulled over to the road and he's trying to have a show and he was the Margaret Dumont of this show. I was. I was. He can always do it.

But on that show, I honestly, and you know I love you. I know you. And I know how great you are. You're very sweet. Handling Problem Child 4. You're very sweet. But on that show, you were horrific. Thank you. It's like these geniuses. but on that show you were horrific thank you you were

it's like these geniuses and you're going yeah but don't you like it when somebody said blah blah blah and they're just going off I don't know after a while

you have to stop trying it's like when that's always a scary thing when me and Artie Lang get together I know there's never stuff that they can use to play

to the public. And he's always hilarious and he's just like poking you. Come on, be funnier than me. And then you live up to it. And you just become more, more bad taste than he can be. And it's like he's going, come on, come on, do it. Fuck it. Come on, come on, do it.

So I loved it. So I loved it. I just loved it. The average episode has about four or five edits. I've said this recently. The recent Artie Lang episode had 39 edits. What does that tell you? It tells you that you can get a lot of money for the unedited versions. Yes.

Richard said backstage, I don't care what you have to do. I want to hear those. I want those edits. Frank is there so I don't care what you have to do. I want to hear those. I want those edits. Frank is there so I don't destroy my career on each episode. It's a pact. It's a pact, Darren, I made a long time ago. You want to tell the story?

You want to repeat the story? We might as well go into the gutter real quick. Well, I'll tell you. Can I tell the story about because you had him as your first guest? Yeah. If you remember, does anybody remember the not Larry Storch, the Professor Irwin Corey? Yeah, we just mentioned him, yeah.

Do you remember the Irwin Corey story? Because it's one of my favorite stories. Soupy Sales had died. And Soupy Sales had a great influence on me in my childhood. I'm who I am because of Soupy Sales. And he passed away. I had never met him. So I go to the Campbell Funeral. I think it's the Campbell Funeral on

77th or 76th and Amsterdam. And I'm there and, you know, it's Soupy Sales. And about 15 minutes in, Erwin Corey comes walking down the aisle in the Colombo jacket with the baseball cap, the New York cap, and he's half-shaven, and, hey, how are you, how are you, how are you, how are you, and Freddie Roman is doing his stuff up front, and he's going, hey, how are you, how are you, how are you, hey, how are you, how are you, and you'll know how long ago this was, because he was a real red. I mean, he was, you know, one of the Upper West Side reds. And he sits down, and Freddie Roman goes, we have a special guest here tonight.

He knew Soupy well. I'm going to bring him up now. Professor Irwin Corey. And in a chapel, the place goes nuts. And he gets up here, and let's say Soupy Sales' wife was Stephanie. He goes, Soupy Sales would be alive today. And Stephanie, you know this. Soupy Sales would be alive today if we had free medical coverage for every person.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And that was just... Everybody, Freddie Roman being not as funny as Erwin Corey, that it's the funeral, that it's Erwin Corey. And I did a play on Broadway with Erwin Corey, who kept telling me that his daughter was killed out on Long Island by her husband. And he was nuts. That's something Gilbert would usually add to an episode.

Just stop it in its tracks. Anyway, that's my Irwin Corey. It didn't work out with Irwin. Do you want to tell either the Island of Dr. Moreau story, or do you want to tell the Forrest Tucker golf story? Two greatest hits from your first episode. Was it really? I told that to her?

Yeah. Well, what do I... I mean, Forrest Tucker... Okay, take it easy, cock. All you want is cock. That's all you want on this show, huh? That's all you tune in for. All right.

Along with Van Johnson and Walter Pigeon, Forrest Tucker was well known to be well hung. Sergeant O'Rourke on F Troop, just to refresh everybody. Really? You have to say that? Yes. For some of the people in the house. I guess so.

They're going to hate my song. It's in 2020. Those people are going to hate my song. You let down Uncle Miltie. Well, that's cliched. That's a cliche. Wait, somebody else I was talking to, or maybe it was on your

show. Somebody I was talking to knew Milton Brawl. Okay, anyway. Forrest Tucker, one of the caddies at Lakeside used to be friends with Forrest Tucker's kid. And he remembers being over at their house, Forrest Tucker's lying on the chaise lounge in shorts reading the paper. So he's got a paper.

And this caddy's mother comes to pick him up, Forrest Tucker being a gentleman, stands up. And he's got a paper in his hand, but he knows that below his shorts is this much cock. Easily hidden by the LA Times. Easily.

And he takes the paper and throws it on the chaise lounge, says nice to see you. And I think that's fantastic fantastic and then the other one is the golf story where uh the big gamblers at uh at lakeside and he had a bet and he was gambling and he was fair he was within the uh putter length you know for the um called the uh the handle of the club the shaft length of the club which I guess is pretty obvious. And he's got a gimme putt and somebody tells him, you gotta make it.

And he goes, are you kidding? You're gonna make me make this putt? The guy goes, yeah. There was money on the line. He goes, I can make this thing with my cock. And he took out his cock and made the putt. Forrest Tucker, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. and Mrs. Forrest Tucker.

May he rest in peace. that story sums up this podcast that's why I had to bring it back no no no why did we do the one with Rupert Holmes when who's he what's came out with Brando and Richard Pryor no no no Quincy Jones

Quincy Jones came out with the story that sums up your podcast because that's many many people who have changed the world of entertainment. Yes. And fucking. We understand you've prepared a musical number, Richard. So, in other words, I'm through. I did.

I did. Now, and I want to tell you, I was going to do a song. Actually, it was a medley of two songs by who is the guest who you really, really, really want the most on this show? Burt Bacharach. One of them.

Really? Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks. So I figured I would sing a song by Mel Brooks just to rub it in your faces. Okay.

But I didn't. It was called Hope for the it in your faces. Okay. But I didn't. It was called Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst. But I didn't. Because last night, and Seth Saltzman, who was brilliant and behind you, truly, truly brilliant and deserves the applause that you're about to start. And yet, oh, his sister starts it, but he really is brilliant. I sent him this music. I said, I've completely forgot about this.

And then I find out that half of you are fans of the show, so you'll love it, and half of you get out your phones and your pencils and a piece of paper and write down all the things you're not going to understand. Okay? So, yeah, let's put it there so that my ass can be right in front of Frank's face. Okay? So, yeah, let's put it there so that my ass can be right in front of Frank's

face. Okay? I don't mind. All righty. Hold on. Is that good, you think? Okay, I'll put this here. Hold on, you take this. And let me see if this is in order. Richard changed the song at 11 o'clock last night. I did. Called Seth. Okay, and this is a show that I did, and yet, of course, did I memorize it for this show? Because I've done it like three or four, five, six years ago.

Not a prayer. I have too much respect for you people to have worked on this. Okay. Hello? Yes, this is the fantasy of the famous dramatic actor Mr. Gilbert Gottfried.

No. No. Dramatic actor Mr. Gilbert Godfried No No This is his butler Santo Padre May I ask who's calling please Oh Miss Garbo Oh I heard that Nanachka opened just a week ago And Mr. Melvin Douglas is charming

Yes, what can I do for you, Miss Garbo? Pardon? What? Oh, hold on. I fucked up. I'm following you. So, I'm going to take it back. Yes, Miss Garbo. What can I help you with?

No, I'm sorry. Mr. Gottfried cannot come to the phone right now. Pardon? Why? Of course I can tell you why not. He's screwing Dolores Del Rio. That's why he cannot speak

to you. He's screwing Dolores Del Rio and may not be disturbed till he's through. No, he can't call you back at 5.30. At 5.30, he can't call you back at 5.30. At 5.30, he hops Alice Faye.

Then Gene Harlow at 7. Mae West at 11. And somewhere between them, Faye Ray. No, tomorrow, I fear, is no better He'll be banging Gene Arthur at ten Carol Lombard at one

Myrna Loy, Irene Dunn, half an hour for dinner And then he's booked solid to midnight At which time it's Dolores Del Rio again Yes, I could set you up an appointment But the waiting list's endless, I fear. Ruby Keeler's been waiting six months now. Betty Davis for over a year. Now next Friday is out of the question.

Cancellations are simply unknown. Cancellations are simply unknown There's Miss Dietrich And then it is time for Miss Bennet No, Constance On Tuesdays it's June No, next Wednesday you haven't a hope, Miss He's Stoop Sylvia Sidney at four. Then may Murray make clock.

And then after it's dark with Lamor. And Lamor, it's Amor. And then just as usual, just as a nightcap. It's Doldes del Rio encore yes there might be an opening in April if you promise you won't take too long, you'll go right after Madeline Carroll. And just before Adam Maywall. Oh, no, wait. That's not any good either.

I've forgotten I've penciled in dates. There's Joan Crawford. And then he must meet Sonia Henney. They're going to try it on skates. Please. It's no use your

weeping, Miss Garbo. And it's no use your taking that tune. You can rave, you can rant. Mr. Godfrey just can't, simply can't come and talk on the phone. He's screwing Dolores Del Rio. And he wants to be well you know And you can have any room in the back. Just give me one more, okay?

So I said, you know what? I'd love to stay. I have to go. Can I tell you a really, really quick story about that? Because that's from a show written by Stan Daniels, who would have been phenomenal. We by Stan Daniels who would have been phenomenal. We love Stan Daniels. Yeah, yeah, unbelievable.

And he wrote that. He wrote the music and the lyrics. Let me tell you the story. It's from a show called Enter Laughing. Okay. Carl Reiner wrote a book

called Enter Laughing. The lead character was not Carl Reiner. He named it David Kolowitz because his mother was unable to read and he didn't want to fictionalize her. He didn't want to do it realistically because she couldn't read,

so he changed the name. He wrote the book. Pretty good book. He's working on a show of shows. Joe Stein says to him, this would make a great play. Carl Reiner says, you're out of your mind. Joe Stein says to him, this would make a great play. Carl Reiner says, you're out of your mind. Joe Stein says, I'll bet you $100, and he wrote the play.

Enter laughing. You know who starred in it? Alan Arkin. Very good. Very good. Alan Arkin's first hit. Very good. Alan Arkin got it.

Did not do the movie, by the way. Thank you, Jackie. Who did the movie? Renny Santoni. There you go. Renny Santoni. I knew somebody in this order. Okay. Anyway, he does the way. Who did the movie? Renny Santoni. Renny Santoni. I knew somebody in this order. Okay. Anyway, he does the play. They make the movie. And then Stan Daniels wants to do the musical. No, I'm sorry. They want to do a musical of it. They want Frank Lesser to write the music

and lyrics. Frank Lesser says, I can't do it. I know a great kid he was mentoring. It was Stan Daniels, who always wanted to do a musical. He writes it. It's truly fantastic. However, it's about a 19-year-old kid who's going to lose his virginity. They hired the big musical star of the moment, Bobby Morse, who had just done How to Succeed. He's 30 years old, and it became sort of creepy that he did it. It was called Goodbye 129th Street or Goodbye 147th, whatever it is. It closed after 10 performances. Stan Daniels never wrote another musical.

Wow. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. Circle K? Check! With Circle K's Summer Road Trip game, you can win over a million delicious instant prizes and a grand prize of $25,000. Play at games.circlek.com or at participating Circle K stores. 1800 Tequila believes that taste

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Taste is everything. Please enjoy responsibly. What do you think? Our next guest... You can cut that, Ken. So you can cut all of our stuff, right? Okay. It's a best-selling author, TV

and radio host, and one of the most popular stage and screen actresses of the last 40 years. She also has the largest brain

of our 300 plus podcast guests. The beautiful and talented Mary Lou Henner. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.

And just to commemorate, wait, no, no, no, no. To commemorate the 300th episode, I'm going to do something that we did every single episode of Taxi. We all lined up.

We did this to one another before we shot the show. And this is what we did. Give me a hug. Good show, good show, good show. You're not getting out. Good show, good show, good show. Richard, remember we did this too. Good show, good show, good show. Richard, remember we did this too. Good show, good show, good show.

It's already a good show. It's true. It's absolutely true, all of us. As soon as we see each other, that's what we do. Good show, good show, good show. Okay, first of all, I worked with Richard. In 2002, we did the Tale of the Elegious Wife. We had a blast. so I knew how long

he was going to take up here she warned me I ordered food I went to the bathroom I talked to my son Joey who's here with his improv guys hey Joey Joey Lieberman there he is my kid um yeah so and I know Richard but I'll tell you something richard he is the world's greatest charades player because my family is vicious when we play charades we even put someone in the hospital this we did no christmas day i'm not kidding you christmas day we ended up in the emergency room because it was boys against the girls and one sister was like this this this and another sister's boyfriend's face he grabbed her hand twisted it back her husband jumped on him and the two of them started fighting and people were still guessing the raging bull you know things like that no seriously and we

ended up in the emergency room in Chicago so yeah that's my family. Yeah, for sure. So, I... Happy birthday. Whenever you're going to be a guest on the show, I always call my old friend Larry David. Oh, did you call him again? Yes. Oh, and you know, he sucks

because he never called me to say, hey. Yeah, because I had him listen the last time. And you said you would have fucked him. But the timing was wrong. Why do I get another chance? I am married. And basically, his answer was, oh, yeah, yeah. The timing.

The timing was off. Oh, yeah, she would have really done that. I know. Yeah. The timing, the one that got away. Everybody has that person in their life. For me, it was Larry. But you have an obsession with Jews, right?

Yes, I'm a Jew groupie. This is how I explained it. I grew up in Catholic school. We lived right next door to a Catholic church. We had backstage passes to Catholicism because my mother ran a dancing school in our backyard. The nuns came over for stretch classes. My uncle taught art at the Catholic grammar school next door. My mother took them to bra shopping at Vassaret.

And my father used to drive them on the weekends. So I grew up a good Catholic school girl and we had these prayer books, these missiles, and we always looked at the apostles pictures, the holy cards, any other Catholics here, you know what I'm talking about. So we became obsessed with these long haired bearded Jewish guys. That's why I'm a Jew groupie from way back. So if you're still into Jews well my current husband third and final is a Mormon

I'm not exactly Father O'Malley yeah sure do you know that as a joke today I was going to come up here with ashes on my forehead I love that. I don't need to talk. I don't need to talk.

I would have loved that. It's a podcast. I know. Nobody can see it. We'll ask you a couple of questions. And we want to plug your one-woman show. Oh. Mary Lou's going to be performing next week.

Okay. Next Wednesday, March 4th, I'm performing at 54 Below, 7 o'clock. I'm so excited. I'm doing all these numbers, telling stories, showing movies, different little videos and stuff. Tony Downsville will be there, but don't tell anybody. And so I'm doing this. And I chose that day because it's March 4th, and it's the only imperative command in the entire calendar. March 4th.

And I figured that will help people remember can I test you right now Oh August 20th 1981 August 20th 1981 was Thursday and the note do you remember what you were doing yes I do yes oh my gosh yes you know what I was doing I Yes, I do. Yes. Oh my gosh. Yes, you know what I was doing? I had just come home from shooting the movie Dreamhouse

with John Schneider and I was on the cover of like an earlier I was on the cover of the Inquirer and they cut John Travolta's picture out because I had dated him

and we were on the cover of Us magazine. They cut his picture out put John Schneider's in put hearts and had dated him and we were on the cover of Us magazine. They cut his picture out, put John Schneider's in, put hearts and flowers around it, and quoted us from the movie. And my husband at the time, my first ex-husband, Frederick Forrest, he flipped out.

He flipped out. This is a true story. You know she was married to Frederick Forrest? Yeah. Yeah, Richard. See, this is a date I just pulled out of my ass. This is... I knew nothing about any of this. Well, whatever.

Because this... What is this thing you have called? It's called Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory, or HSAM, Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory. So you remember every single date of your life? Pretty much, yeah. Some days take a little bit longer to come up than others,

but they all come up eventually. Gilbert has the exact opposite. I know, I know. I did the show with you guys. You know what's incredible about these guys? They do their homework, don't you think? They do their homework. So all of you guys who are real fans of the show,

I mean, it's amazing how much homework they do their homework. So all of you guys who are real fans of the show, I mean, it's amazing how much homework they do. And I did it in Los Angeles, so I was like looking at mirrors, and you still feel like you're part of the team. And wait, I just have to say something. I went to school in Chicago, Madonna High School, and where I would get on the bus, for some reason there was this old-time bar,

and you know who was always performing there? Forrest Tucker. I haven't heard. It's come full circle. I haven't heard that name since I was, like, getting on a bus to go to Madonna High School, and there was Forrest Tucker. Did you know he was famously endowed? Forrest Tucker?

Good Catholic school. Not interesting. No, I know. I heard that. 1992. February 12th. How are you going to know? How are you going to verify?

Stop, stop. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. It's my brain. Do you want to tell, you guys were in the tale of the allergist wife together on Broadway.

Yes, we were. Now, you started, we were in the green room and you said you could tell that story. Okay. He said you told it. All right, we're going to have

a debate right here, okay? Okay, but here's one of the things about this show, is I'll be listening to the show, and they'll give a quote, or they'll say such and such, and how many people want to go, no, it's not that person, it's this person, and you get angry, and then sometimes I

get quoted, and it's, I didn't say that, or you tell a story, or a story that I told you you and you don't give me credit for sorry about that never mind okay all right so richard's got issues with all of us this is really okay no no go ahead okay tell the story and i will tell you how what happened well i'll tell you he can tell you his side all i'm telling you is what happened from my end of things so we're in the show together my character doesn't show up till the till the first act second scene but the first scene the entrance is richard up until the first act, second scene. But the first scene, the entrance,

is Richard. There's a little bit of a scene between the character that Rhea Perlman played and she and the guy who plays the doorman. The two of them are having a little scene. And then all of a sudden, Richard, his character comes in from a jog. Okay?

So now I'm in my dressing room and all of a sudden I hear Richard's cue and nothing. And all of a sudden I hear Richard's cue, and nothing. And all of a sudden they're ad-libbing, and it's like they're still talking about the chandelier and the furniture and all this other stuff, and I, nothing. And all of a sudden, this is what I hear.

Coming down the stairs, banging, banging, this kind of stuff. And all of a sudden we hear on stage, should I give them the punchline, or do you want to tell them from your point of view and then we'll do the punchline or shall i say what okay okay well can i describe what had happened well that's what i'm saying okay i know how to lead someone up it was a wednesday afternoon the matinee was over i take a nap and i turn down the loudspeaker i'm on the third floor I turn it down

because I don't want to be disturbed but then I don't turn it up that day so I never got places I never got half hour I never got places I never got five minutes

and I was sitting there with my phone and I'm just playing games and I would thank God I was in costume I had woken up ages ago and I just never turned the thing up and I hear Richard! Richard! and I would thank God I was in costume I had woken up ages ago and I just never turned the thing up

and I hear Richard, Richard and I come running down and I grab I had a fanny pack and a newspaper and coffee and a donut and headphones and I just grab everything off the prop table I may have got other people's props

and I walked in like this they were on stage for a minute and a half. Which is forever. With no dialogue. Right. And the guy playing the doorman goes, he was Indian, shouldn't your husband be home by now? Shouldn't your husband be home by now?

And I grab everything, and I just kick the door open. And I go, I was almost mugged. I think you said, can you believe it? I was almost... I was almost mugged and they were so furious. The amazing thing is

this is a minute and a half of silence and not Charles Bush's words. Yes. I had a very savvy friend in the audience, Caroline Ray. She was in the audience watching it. And yes, she deserves applause and should be on the show. But Caroline Ray was out in the audience and had no idea that anything was wrong.

So audiences can truly be tricked. We've been doing it for six years. Yeah, for sure. For sure, for sure. Yes. We decided to do this Carson style. Yeah, this is fun. You were on The Tonight Show

23 times. An impressive 23 times with Johnny. Johnny, yeah. I was on with Johnny six times, with Jay a million times, David Letterman. I did it with Bill Cosby. That's another

whole podcast. I did it with George Carlin, with all of them. Gary Shandling. What would Cosby sound like interviewing Mary Lou? He did not like me. You look really like you're thirsty.

I know Mary Lou has a really dry throat. And, you know, if you want to drink something, you don't have to. We don't have to interview you. You just have a sip of this. Sorry. And then you go back to my hotel room and hey it's a cow

sorry I saw a moment oh no go for it go for it we haven't had a lot of guests on the show that have revealed what Johnny was like Gilbert never met him okay the first time I was on, it had been the day after...

It had been the day after Sally Field had gone on and she was dating Burt Reynolds at the time, my love, and she did this whole thing with whipped cream and he was so freaked out

and they told me the next night and I was on and they said to me, don't pull any tricks, just be the panel, just sit there, don't do anything. Now any tricks just be you know the panel just sit there don't know you know don't do anything now i i'm on the tonight show for the first time it was my second season of taxi and so like well it was the end of my first season of taxi and all of a sudden

i walk out i've got a silk blouse on he looks at me and he goes oh it's cold backstage huh oh no so i was like this yeah i guess so you know and I mean we had no chemistry but they thought something was wrong with Johnny that night he didn't give me a chance blah blah so they had me back two months later with George Carlin I had a great time so then they started bringing me on all the time so they asked me to do with Johnny again and I said oh I was just on two months ago with Jay and they said no no no we want you to go on you guys you know we know it's going to be great

and Bob Hope's on and you're just going to come on Brian Regan if he gets a chance he's going to be on he's a famous comedian and if you guys come on you know you'll like do a little fast segment and stuff what happens is Bob Hope is at Universal and there is a bomb scare

so now Brian Regan and I, we are the show. I'm on for three segments, which is unheard of. And at that time, I was trying to get pregnant. So I talked about sex after marriage and how my husband and I at the time, my second husband, I'm on my third and final. We were keeping a chart and I was, you know, talking to my gynecologist about what's normal blah blah and everything else so I said yeah so 16 times in February a short month that's pretty good I guess

and he's like oh 16 times you know he did like a whole Johnny thing so it was so great and then I just started then they had me come on like all the time Brian got two segments too it was like a free-for-all but so then I started doing it a lot did you ever get to know him a little bit he was very nice but you know I love Letterman Letterman was my favorite too and I know I love Jay too but Letterman there's nobody like Letterman

I did his show a lot I agree it's great how great that we get to know each other and get up here and do things and keep going. And, you know, you and I, we didn't really know each other, but we both had Celebrity Apprentice in common. So we had a lot of memories from that. Moving right along.

Yeah, that was crazy. I did it twice. I did it twice, but he and I didn't do it at the same time. Miss Henner. Yes. We hear you have a number for us. it twice, but he and I didn't do it at the same time. Miss Henner? Yes? We hear you have a number for us. Oh, yes. Let me go up and do it.

I'm so excited. Okay. I'm doing this number on Wednesday, next Wednesday, March 4th. Thank you. And this is the first time I'm singing it for a group of people, so I'm really excited. This is my virgin tour of this song. Okay, so I told you that I have this unusual memory. Now, most people remember 8 to 11 events within any given year, but I rememberographical memory. H-Sam.

And it's been a real blessing my entire life. So, yeah. No, really. I can tell you the day of the week and what I was doing on any given day. I can tell you the day of the week and what I was doing on any given day. I can recall every tryst on my list, especially the foreplay. I remember the fall of the big Berlin Wall and what I was eating for lunch. Saddam underground, Kofax on the mound, Muhammad Ali's jungle punch. Cofax on the mound, Muhammad Ali's jungle punch, cause I have H-SAM, capital H-S-A-M, I'll say it again.

I can describe every present for Christmas and birthday since I was five. I recall every classical sketch on Saturday Night Live. Monica's blue dress, Fisher Spassky in chess, and all of my teachers in school. MLK's dream coma, Nietzsche on the beat, and those four boys from Liverpool. Because I am HCM, capital H-S-A-M, capital H-S-A-M. I'll say it again. I've been featured on 60 Minutes many times with my friend Leslie Stahl.

After hundreds of tests, they determined my memory's certifiably oddball. Nine different spots on my brain ten times larger than the average joe i never forget rick collins no sweat don't need no ginkgo my logo Capital H-S-A-M, I'll say it again. People ask, is this blessing or curse? If my big brain will let me be. If you want the truth, go ask my husband, because I'm a number three, because I have H-S-A-M.

Capital H-S-A-M. I'll say it again. Because I have H-SAM, capital H-S-A-M. That's all. Thank you! How do you remember those lyrics. Because I have H-Sam, you know. Oh, that was fun. Thank you. I want to say, where's my mic? Okay, I'm sitting on it. That's okay.

No, that was fun. I want to say, Mary Lou, all the people we've had on this show, or we're going to have on the show tonight, have done this show multiple times. Mary Lou's been on with us once. But when she found out about this, she called me after the show that we did.

And when I told her about this, she said, okay, book me. I have to be a part of this. I said, I have to be here. It's the week before my show. I said, plus, thank you. I said, plus, what is it, a sausage party? This is ridiculous.

You need some girls up here. We're so glad that you came. Thank you. And that you did this. You got to love Mary Lou for classing up the joint. So that's part one of our sixth anniversary show, From the Cutting Room. We will post episode two next week, which is full of goodies, full of surprises. Live tributes by GGACP guests who are in the house.

Susie Essman and Jeff Ross for two. We'll let you find out who the other people were. Plus a live surprise, a walk-on, walk-in, by a very famous legend, a legendary Tony winner. We were not expecting that person to show up at all.

That was a surprise to us, too. Plus Mario and Richard finally debate the merits of the Mr. Magoo Christmas Carol. I know some people were waiting for that. So, lots of good stuff next week. And also, visit us on Patreon. We love to see you people on Patreon, so support us.

We're going to put some good stuff from this episode up on Patreon. And also, new episodes coming. So, see you soon.