Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal 6th Anniversary Show: Part Two

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

GGACP celebrates its 6th anniversary and the recent release of Episode #300 with PART TWO of a live evening of story and song from New York City's Cutting Room with Mario Cantone, Marilu Henner, Richard Kind, Paul Shaffer and surprise guest performer David Yazbek  -- as well as special guests Susie Essman, Barbara Feldon, Tom Leopold, Jackie Martling, Jeff Ross and Alan Zweibel. Also in this episode: Gilbert and Jeff star in "CSI," David and Paul pay tribute to Ed McMahon, Tony Curtis puts the moves on Bette Davis and Richard and Mario (finally!) debate the merits of "Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol." PLUS: Mason Reese! "Wait Until Dark"! The Island of Misfit Toys! The musical stylings of the Gilbert Gottfried Orchestra! And a Broadway icon drops by to join the fun! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Please enjoy responsibly. Hey, it's Gilbert Gottfried, and we hope you guys got a kick out of part one of our live Amazing Colossal 6th Anniversary show with Richard Kind and Mary Lou Henna, as well as some surprise guests on video. Here's part two, featuring the one and only Mario Cantone, the brilliant Paul Schaefer, and even more surprise guests who stop in to wish us well. Enjoy.

Gil, wait. Is that the sheep wrangling you're talking about, Richard? I have a surprise guest. Oh! Before you read that card. People love a surprise. Did you hear that gasp? Not Billed.

Not on the poster. He's been on the podcast. He's a friend. He's an Emmy-winning writer. He is a Emmy-winning writer he is a Tony winning composer of the hit Broadway shows the full Monty and dirty rotten scoundrels and Tootsie and the band's visit which was sensational our guest from episode 23 where is he the great David Yazbeck. There he is.

They just played the theme song from Carmen Sandiego, which is the thing I'm... I don't know why I'm sitting here. I was going to come and sing a song, but let me just... It's okay. Can I just say something? Schmooze for a few minutes. I can remember Forrest Tucker's gigantic...

Yeah, come on. I wanted to alert everyone here to and remind you as a public service to request some Tupperware some doggy bags because Richard Kind is going to take all of the leftovers home if Gilbert and Gilbert will take the rest of the yeah that was it that's how I was gonna end the joke the other joke I was gonna tell which I have not crafted yet has something to do with the Jerry Colonna virus.

No other audience but yours would get that. Can you do Jerry Colonna briefly? Disgusting, isn't it? It's possible. It's possible. It's spreading. It's a possibility. Who the hell remembers Jerry Colonna?

No. Or anyone from Richard's song? No. This audience. Prematurely old Jews, basically. And some who are not prematurely old. I'm sitting at a table full of correctly old Jews. So I'm going to go over there, right?

Yes, you are. I won't be needing this. Okay. David Yazbek, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know why I was inspired to do a real Jewy song. I have no idea why tonight. For me. A long time ago,

the maternal side of my family, my ancestors, came over from the old country and populated areas with exotic Native American names like Patchogue, Syosset, Islip, Oakdale, Sayville, Massapequa, Massapequa Park, Amityville, Copic, Lyndon Hurston, Babylon, Change of Babylon, little LIRR joke. So this song is basically a, I have no memory, but I do have little flashes of visual memories

from Long Island Jewish type stuff. In the summer of Summer of Sam, of the serial killing, and New York... Yeah! And it was a great time. And New Yorkers lived in terror. It was a hot summer.

It was miserable. People stayed inside. But they finally caught him, and his name turned out to be David Berkowitz. And the whole mother's side of the family was like, that is not good for the Jews. That was their entire takeaway.

At the same time, there was a commissioner of baseball named Bowie Kuhn. And his whole thing was, is it good for baseball? That's all he cared about, supposedly. Anyway, this is sort of a mashup of those two things. It's called Sandy Koufax.

And the only thing that matters about it, really, is the chorus. Richard Kahn is going to help us out when we get to the chorus. I would like you all to sing along toward the end of the song. But also watch me. There are cues. I'm going to ask you to stop at one point. I'm going to deliver a great joke. Is it hard to sleep underneath the heap, underneath the heap that you're under? Hard to relate when you masturbate difficult to feel the thunder patio gravel and the plastic grapes novelty soaps in assorted shapes up in the playroom with the metric out drapes everybody can hear you screaming is it good for baseball is

it good for the jews good for baseball is it good for the jews good for baseball is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Is it right to choose the electric fuse for your underused libido? Right to explore when the trigger's sore on your Bangalore torpedo? When the dugout's empty, pitcher's dead, who still remembers what the Fuhrer said? Was it the liver in the wedding bed of the designated Hitler? I'm going to sing it again. It's a good joke.

Of the designated Hitler. Is it good for baseball? Is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball. Is it good for the Jews? Is it good for baseball? Is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball.

Is it good for the Jews? That's the story of, that's the glory of 5,000 years in the major leagues. So I'm wandering and I'm pondering, where else could I go? Let me go. Let me go. Oh shit, I just remembered something. I wrote a song with Paul Schaeffer in 1984 or something.

Paul's over there, incidentally. Do you have any memory of that Paul? It was something like, it was for the spokesmodel of the year. It was like, it was something like Thank, thank, thank you Ed. You made my dreams come true. Because it was Ed McMahon, it was Star Search. because it was Ed McMahon, it was Star Search. Thank you, Ed. And all you had to do was reach for a star. And this time you caught one.

If this chick, Tracy, who won that year, were pushing Edsels, that's who would have bought one. Thank you, Ed. Anyway, back to the song. That's the moral of, that's the quarrel of 5,000 years on the LIE So I'm waiting here, like I'm pondering Where else could I go? Let me go, let me go And it's hard to sleep underneath the heap

Underneath the heap I'm under Hard to relate with your head on a plate Difficult to feel the thunder The dugout's empty and the score is tied Who still remembers how the pitcher died? Was it the pill with the cyanide? Was it the pretzel with the cheese inside? Good for baseball, good for the Jews

Good, almost, for the, good for the Jews Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Here comes a joke And you can throw out the food You can cancel the band Cause the moil gotta boil on the meat of his hand For baseball, is it good for the Jews? Sing along

Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Is it good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Sing along. Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Is it good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? One more. For baseball, is it good for the Jews? Is it good, is it good? Good for baseball, is it good for the Jews? Now we're going to stop. I'm not afraid to be alone David Yazbeck.

David! Surprise guest. Unbelievable. Shouldn't we? All right, kids. You're going to introduce somebody. I'm going to go work the crowd. Okay.

We'll go over a little. Frank's not going to be here. We'll go over a little. Frank's not going to be here. Right. You're sitting on a mic. Our next guest. What do you mean?

It's a comedian, actor, and yet another Tony-nominated performer who's appeared on this podcast a record six times, and somehow he still has a career. and somehow he still has a career. Please welcome to our annual Christmas guest and our very own elf on a shelf and a man who's still haunted by unsubstantiated fag rumors, the hilarious Mario Cantone. Well, well, well. Hello, well.

Hello, everybody. Hello. Oh. I love you. You're such a wannabe homeless person. I'm sitting on this. Was that supposed to be a... I'm offended. I'm offended.

A gay joke before I even fucking sit down. He sat on a mic. Ha ha. He can take it. Fags. Hi, faggot. What's up? You old dead Jew, you. Hello, darling. Oh, yeah.

Turn it around. You know where the head is, don't you? Oh, darling. Oh, yeah, turn it around. You know where the head is, don't you? Oh, God. Well, hi, everybody. So, it's nice to be here at the cutting room with Richard and Mary Lou and you. You know, they could stuff you like a taxidermist and just put you there and the show would be the same.

and just put you there and the show would be the same. I just got back from Seattle, you know. I know you didn't know because you have no fucking research skills. I did. I was in Seattle. I did a musical called Bliss. I actually went out of town. You know I'm a recluse. I don't go out of town. I turn it all down. I'm like out of town. You know I'm a recluse. I don't go out of town. I turn it all down. I'm like, fuck you. Have fun in Minneapolis.

But I did go out of town to do this musical Bliss that was really, really great. But I got to tell you, Seattle is the worst fucking city in the country. Oh, it's awful. I'll say it publicly. Come get me, you fucking

mentally ill meth head motherfuckers. They look at you when you jaywalk and I'm like, what about the meth head over here and the mentally ill meth head motherfuckers. They look at you when you jaywalk, and I'm like, what about the meth head over here and the mentally ill bastard behind me? I hate it there. It's a very sketchy city. It's scary.

The homeless are aggressive. They flail at you. I'm like, no, no, no, that doesn't happen here. Yeah, it's coffee, donuts, and ice cream. That's all they fucking have. I hate that city. I hate it. I will never. And my husband lives there a lot of the time because he's the

artistic director of the village theater which is not the theater we did the show at and I I hate that city so I can't bear that city I'll never go back oh isn't it awful I just and they're also passive aggressive. And the theater was unprepared. They just fucking blew. I'm so glad to be back. I love doing the show, but I can't tell you how happy I am to be back. I don't want to go anywhere.

I'm like, if David Yazmik ever wrote me a fucking musical and he was going to Minneapolis, I'd be like, go fuck yourself. I'm not going away anymore. No, David, I'd go anywhere for you. You know I saw Tootsie three times, you know that? Three times. Yeah, that's, well, no one has any taste. You know, look at what's still running sometimes.

You don't fucking know. Like what? I don't know. Don't test me, David. I'll come there and break your glasses in two. Mr. Cantone. Yes. Oh, where are you?

Oh, I'm like Audrey Hepburn in Wait Until Dark. I can't see you. I'm like, the drugs are in the doll! The drugs are in the doll! Oh, I cannot. Where are you? I love that you're... I see you. Okay, oh, yeah.

Look, you've got a red light there. Like, you're sucking some laser dick. What is that? I'm doing the Phil Donahue thing. Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah, it's more interactive that way. Don't interview anybody. I'm still up here, okay? You can interview me. You've done six Christmas shows.

I thought it was seven, but it's six. Six of the Christmas shows, which are arguably our most popular shows. Yeah, arguably. And I think we outdid ourselves with the 12 Days of Christmas. Yeah, we really did. We really did.

Which was my lovely wife's idea. Last year I didn't even want to attempt it. But you guys were absolutely wonderful. Do you and Richard want to settle the Mr. Magoo dispute? You really like that. You're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. First of all

The first five minutes when he comes to the theater Is the worst thing in the world And then all of a sudden it's charming And the music is great And it's He wrote a short novel and it's a short telling of the thing It's fantastic No

It's no little drummer boy Stop it Wait hold on It's great little drummer boy. And so Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. Stop it! Wait, hold on, hold on. Wait, hold on. It's great to be back. Back, back. Oh, that's the worst show. That's the worst song.

No, but they're all great. A hand for each hand was planned in the world. And a hand for each hand. Oh, my God. I love Mr. Magoo. It's terse and it's fun. It's fabulous. And I don't understand.

It's a sense of humor. Who was on drugs to hire Mr. Magoo? Where did that come from? Then he comes to the theater and destroys the theater. I'm sorry. I thought I loved you. I hate it. You're really, really wrong.

I love it. You're wrong. My favorite Christmas special is The Little Drama Boy by Rankin Bass. Okay, they're great. That's the one. They are great. That's the one. That's a snort comparison.

It's brilliant. Because they killed the mother and father at the very beginning. The desert bandits. Yeah. In the Middle East, the desert fucking bandits kill the mother and father

of the little Jewish boy and they throw a knife at one of them and then they burn and they're puppets. They're wood so they go up and fucking flay.

And it's just devastating and that little Aaronaron who is so angry and he yells at his he has a magical drum and he's his eyebrows are just pointed and he's so he yells at like the camel and and the little sheep to dance he's like dance you fucking lamb he's so pissed he's like i'll whip your rack out and grill it. He's just brutal. It's my favorite. And then he sees, even at the end when he sees Jesus, he's still like, I have no fucking gift to bring. He's still so angry.

It's the best one. It's my favorite one. Okay. That's it. I understand. And I like Rudolph and I like Santa Claus coming to town. I can't bear... Frosty's great. Frosty's unbearable. Well, we... You know what?

I can't know. He goes into the greenhouse with a little girl at the end, and he gets hot, and he melts. We both have the same anger. Oh, gosh. With... At least I use it for good. Not in Seattle, where they use it on people on the street.

Yeah, with the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Well, I've been saying this for fucking 20 years, and I'm going to tell you something. It's a gay story because he's born... You know this bit. I mean, am I actually going to do it again? All right, so he's born with a little red nose, right? And the mother is sympathetic.

The mother's like, oh, my son. And the father's like, no son of mine is going to have a red nose. You're going to wear this piece of shit on it and you're going to like it. And he's like, I don't want to wear it. You're going to wear this piece of shit and no son of mine is going to have a red nose. What he's really saying is no son of mine is going to be a little faggot. That's what he's really saying. And then he goes to those reindeer games with Comet, that fucking gym teacher with the baseball cap.

I fucking hate him he's like come on Rudolph let's see what you got right right and then he flies he's better than everybody and then someone's hoof hits his nose the shit comes off and he's all glowy and they all panic and they're like oh like he got a hard-on in shower in gym class. It's all there. It's all there. And then Santa is like, oh, oh, oh, too bad. He had a good takeoff too. Really? He still doesn't have a good takeoff because he sucks same sex reindeer dick. I don't get it. And then he meets, then he meets Hermie, the dentist. He's like, I don't want to be an elf. I want to be a dentist. And they go off together. We're a couple of myths, the dentist, who's like, I don't want to be an elf, I want to be a dentist. And they go off together.

We're a couple of myths, like two fags skipping through the snow. It's ridiculous. Then they go to the island of Misfit Toys, and there's like the little girl with the, I don't know what's wrong with her. She doesn't have a vagina. I have no idea what's wrong with the little doll. And then they see that Jack in the Box. They're like, it's a Jack.

He's like, no! I'm not a jack-in-the-box. I'm a Charlie-in-the-box. Rudolph, let go of my key. You're dragging it too tight. Oh! If you want to stay on the island of misfit toys, you have to talk to King Moonraiser. There he is right

now, flying over the moon. It's the island of... It's a gay bar. It's a big fucking gay bar. It's the island of... It's a gay bar. It's a big fucking gay bar. It's the fire island of misfit toys. It's true. I've been saying this for 20 years, and the New York Times just did an article on it. I'm like, you're a little fucking late, you stupid asses.

And then at the end, you know, Santa was brutal to him, and then it's like, it's foggy, and he's like, oh, Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my... Fuck you, Santa. I'd be like, you humiliated me my whole life. Crash and burn, you fat fuck! All right, that's enough. I've been doing that bit for 20 years. I can't believe it still gets a reaction.

But it gets more and more relevant because of what's happening today. What's happening today with all the kids. I hate the children. You get angrier each time you tell it. I do, and I do. I just... When am I today? What did you think of Renee Zellweger winning the Oscar for playing Judy Garland?

I'll tell you. I have a mixed bag with it, but I thought her acting was quite good. I really did. I thought her acting, her close-ups were great. The movie's not good. But she's very... Well, first of all, she comes on stage. They don't even know if she's drunk or she can't sing.

And they start throwing scones and crumpets at her because they're in London. But they're throwing food at her. And it's like, wait, she hasn't even opened her mouth yet. Do you remember that scene? When she's drunk, but they don't know? It's very weird. But I have to say this.

She doesn't sound like her when she sings. She doesn't move like her when she sings. So that was a problem for me. But good for her for making the effort to want her to sing her own shit. Because she definitely had some emotional moments while she was singing, I thought, even though it wasn't anything like her. Because they give an Oscar to someone who lip-synced half his fucking performance in Bohemian Rhapsody. And I don't understand that.

I'm sorry. Didn't like it. Didn't think it was good. And how do you give someone an Oscar for lip syncing half your fucking performance look at look at Sissy Spacek and Beverly D'Angelo and Cole Miner's daughter

that's that's when you that's when I want to see someone really do their shit I mean and I get no one sounds like Judy Garland except for me

but that's not the point before you do it before you make the crowd happy, here's a quick question for all three of you about Gilbert. Oh, God. Three actors on the stage, and this has come up on a couple of podcasts recently. Do you think, in your opinion,

we'll start with Richard and move down the couch, do you believe that Gilbert could play, convincingly play, a serious dramatic role? Yes. Rich? Yeah. Yeah, you know, I suppose so

because in hearing him do imitations, he is absolutely in the moment and can mimic what that emotion is. I don't think he feels a thing. But I believe that he is such a good mimic that he can mimic, honestly, he could mimic the intention and the whatever the emotion is uh yeah and you know when you see that the i i think it's great that it's 300 episodes and it sort of makes me cry but this whole the the whole podcast made me cry because when they had on, I think it was Eddie Munster, who's the kid who plays Eddie Munster?

Butch Patrick. Butch Patrick. And I go, and that's around, maybe a couple of episodes before. So why would you do that to somebody who can't help it? He was a kid. He can't help being Eddie Munster. This is what he did, and now that's all he knows about. Why are you going to pick on him, and you don't?

You treat him with such glory. And that's what's amazing about the podcast. I mean, you give verbal blowjobs to every one of these actors. True. And I believe that that is inherent in Gilbert Gottfried. So yes, I do believe there is emotion. Wonderful answer. Ms. Henner.

Thank you. Okay, okay. Now that I've met his family, his beautiful family and wife and the kids and stuff. Okay. First of all, I don't even think he'd have to mimic.

I 100% know he could be a fantastic dramatic actor and I hope you get the opportunity. No question about it. And not just mimicking somebody, which is fake. Okay, Mayor. And I didn't get my verbal blowjob,

but that's okay. Mario, same question. What was the question again? You're going to make me do this again. Could Gilbert, where he's so inclined, be able to pull off a dramatic part,

a dramatic role? No. The fact that he works more as an actor than me is unbearable to me. I lose sleep over it. No, I do think he can, because I've seen him walking on the streets like a wannabe homeless person. And I see him in his downtime. person and I see him in his down time

so when you see him in his down time you see that all that bubble flatten out and settle like a bad bottle of champagne and you see his seriousness oh yeah I don't know if you would want to do it

or if you would actually go like go there and dig deep if you'd want to do that i sound like stella adler this is ridiculous but i absolutely think you could do it yeah i do i do we're we're we're sad clowns i don't believe he could do a play. He would go off book constantly and be late for entrances. He'd be tired of it by the third rehearsal.

How would Larry David feel that way? I think Larry David wanted to bail. Although you've been doing the same act for 45 years. So who knows? It's exhausting. I just did this musical, and I haven't done a run in a long time. I'm telling you, I'm old.

It's fucking exhausting. And even when something's really great, you get bored. It's like Groundhog's Day. It's like, I can't believe I'm fucking doing this. Did you ever get bored? Getting there, you go, oh my god, I can't believe it. But when I'm on stage, I don't feel that.'t believe it but when I'm on stage I don't feel that well no

when I'm on stage I don't feel it it's different every night the audience is so different every night but as a comedian it's fun to act I torture myself

it's fun to be the guy but I'm saying it's a different show every night because the audience is so different if you want to see a good show

go on Thursday because everybody has rested up a little bit or Tuesday because they've had the rest over the weekend. That's true. Sometimes the Tuesday's tricky, though. I think the Tuesday's going to be good.

It depends on if people have been flying. It's like going to the gym. You go, oh, my God, oh, my God, I've got to go, I've got to go, I've got to go, I've got to go. You guys. And then you get there and it's fantastic. Do you torture yourself? You do the same thing I do, don't you? When you lose the laugh on something after so many times and you're like, what the fuck? How did I lose that laugh? Oh, yeah. And you torture yourself? You do the same thing I do, don't you? When you lose the laugh on something after so many times,

and you're like, what the fuck? How did I lose that laugh? Oh, yeah. And you torture yourself. I'm telling you, as a comedian, you torture yourself. I always say the ride home is the worst thing in the world because you relive what you've just done for two hours. You go, why did I do that?

Oh, my God. Why wasn't I concentrating? Why did I smile during that? Mr. Cantone. Yeah. Richard mentions Gilbert's art of mimicry. This is a segue. Oh, okay.

Should I get that mic? Yeah. Should I? All right. Paul will help you. I hope I remember this because I take my gay card away. This one? Oh, okay.

Do you want Gilbert to help you with the setup? No. Well, yes. I'll try to out hello I'll I'll try I'll try to cue him you know I'd like to hi everybody I'm mrs. Norman Maine do you James Mason for me congratulations my dear I seem to have made it just in time there's no need to be formal I know most of you gentlemen on a first-name basis I need to job job. Yes, that's it. That's my speech. I need a job. It's not

just drama. I could do comedy as well. Well, play something, Norman. Come on, Norman. Everybody, look the other way. I'd like to sing a song for Gilbert because it's something that I think I would sing at his funeral. And since he won't be there, I'd like to sing. I hope I remember the words. Look, I have an iPhone. Liza gave it to me. Because she doesn't know how to work it. But I think I'll... You can cue me in case I fuck up. Alright.

The night is bitter The stars have lost their glitter, the wind grows colder and suddenly No more Is he a call The writings On the wall The dreams you've dreamed Have all gone astray The man that won you gone astray the man

that won you has run off and undone you that great beginning has seen a final inning don't know what happened it's all a crazy

game It's all a crazy game No more that old time thrill For you've been through the mill And never a new love will be the same. Good riddance, goodbye. Every trick of his you're all too. But fools will be fools and where's he gone to

it's rubber it's lonelier and tougher with hope you'll burn up tomorrow he might turn up You'll burn up, tomorrow he might turn up There's just no light up, the live long night and day Ever since this world began There's nothing inside of there A one man woman Looking for the man that got Away away The man that you're

away Thanks for your funeral. I had a little chest call tonight I would have done it in another key But I had to lower it Eliza gave me the coronavirus She drank so many of them she just got a virus corona

I said have a lime Eliza it'll take care of everything Mr. Cantone I'm back I channel I have to stay in it for a second I'm out speaking of Christmas did I really get two calls?

Oh, God. I said, speaking of Christmas. Oh, yeah, we got to do it, right? I have bad news for Gilbert. He has to stand up. All right, come on. We got to do this. What?

We are reprising a greatest hit from one of the Christmas shows. How is he going to follow this without it highlighted? Oh, God, we're in fucking trouble. Gil, you're doing the second part on the page. You know that, right? He's got it. He's a pro.

Isn't he adorable, this one? All right. He is. He's on The View. He's the stage manager of The View, so I know him very well. Paul Terrasio, where are you? He's so cute.

Our stage manager, Paul Terrasio. Yeah are you? He's so cute. Our stage manager, Paul Terrasio. Alright. Shit, okay. Oh Christ, alright. You're doing Tony Curtis, right? Yeah, I'm Tony Curtis. And I'm Betty Davis after the stroke.

We're going to pretend that it's still Christmas time, everybody. And this is one of our greatest hits, wasn't it? Yes. Unfortunately, you made all the money off it and I made. Let's do it. Oh, yes. I really can't stay. Baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go away.

But baby, it's cold outside this evening has been been hoping very nice oh you've already dropped your first line my mother will start to worry beautiful what's your life father will be pacing the floor. Listen to the fireplace roar. So really I better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry. Well, maybe just a little drink more. Put some wreckage on while I pour.

Then neighbors might think. No cares to be out of bed. Say what's in this drink. I'll take you I wish I knew how. To break the spell. I ought to say no, no, no, sir.

Mind I'm moving closer. At least I'm going to say that I tried. What's the saving hurting my throat? I really can't stay. Baby, it's cold outside. So far, so bad. I simply must go. But baby, it's cold outside

The answer is no But baby it's cold outside Your welcome has been How lucky that you dropped in So strange and warm Look out the window at the storm My sister will be suspicious Gosh your lips

oh yes waves of my man is vicious gosh I've never uplifted before. I've got to get home. But baby, you'll freeze out there. Get me a cold. It's up to your knees out there. You've really been grand. I think when you touch my hand.

Oh yes, don't you see? You see, there's bound to be talk tomorrow. Think of my life tomorrow. At least there will be plenty in pride. If you've got the courage. I really can't stay. One, two, three. Baby, it's cold outside.

Outside. I love your portrayal of a homosexual in Spartacus. We made it. Mario Cantone. Oh, my, my, my, my. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with bet mgm the

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and let fresh answer back with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at michigan.org. What if we told you you're already off to a great start with so many ways to squeeze the most out of summer right here? From our largest shrimp skewers ever to a Vietnamese-inspired dish ready in minutes, PC makes any culinary adventure an on-budget breeze. We're going to do something a little different here.

We have some people here who have been on the podcast before. You may know this lady right here who was laughing very hard at the last segment. Susie Essman from Curb Your Enthusiasm. In the house. Susie, stand up, take a bow. You know, I want to say I'm a little drunk, but I want to say, I'm a little drunk, but I want to say I was on another podcast, not one that's of any interest or whatever,

and they asked me who I thought was the funniest comedians working, and I actually said, no shit, you two gentlemen right here, Gilbert and Mario, who make me laugh more than anybody in the entire fucking world. Well, that's the truth about you for me. I always say you. Always. I don't say him, but I say you. Yes, Gil. Now, Susie, can you tell a story about

how we were both working on two separate HBO specials? Oh, yeah. Gilbert and I did, in 1992, I think, we both did one night stands and we were on the same night. And I fell, we were at the Doral Hotel, which now is famous for Asshole in Chief, whatever, we won't mention his name. But I fell, I was doing something and I fell and I scraped my knee. I was doing something and I fell and I scraped my knee and my boyfriend at the time,

not my husband who I'm with right now, but my boyfriend at the time swore that I had rug burns from fucking Gilbert. And would not believe me for anything. Would not, like I swore up and down that I had not had sex with Gilbert, but he swore that my knee burns were from that being on my knees giving Gilbert a blowjob

Susie Essman we got a couple of other people here, podcast guests. Original Saturday Night Live writer, the creator of characters like Roseanne Rosanna, co-curator of Roseanne Rosanna Dana and Emily Littella, and the co-creator of the wonderful It's Gary Shandling show and a writer for Curb Your Enthusiasm and a million other things. How many times have you been on with us?

Three times? Two times? Two times? Two times. Oh, number three's coming up. The great Alan Zweibel, ladies and gentlemen. Not unlike Susie, I was on another podcast, and I was asked who I thought were the two funniest storytellers and I told them Richard Kind and Mary Lou Henna. So we can put that together. This is one great show and when I can't get over all the time that I'm with you Gilbert is Dara. I can't believe it's been five years and there was a, for your 60th birthday,

there was a dinner party and we went around the table and we gave toast to you. And I think it was Paul Schaefer who said that Dara is the best thing that ever happened to you. who said that Dara is the best thing that ever happened to you. And I corrected him. I said, no, no, no. Dara is the only thing that's ever happened to you. I'm thrilled to be here. So is my wife, Robin.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. And congratulations. Let's see who else we have here Another pretty accomplished comedy writer Of Seinfeld and Will and Grace And cheers The legendary Tom Leopold A few words my friend I refuse to cry

I refuse to cry. I refuse to cry. Oh, you know, where are you, Frankie? You know, I gave up my TED Talk to be here tonight. Which is fortunate because I hadn't really worked it out. You know, I hadn't really figured out what I was going to say at the TED Talk. What is your question, Frank? I don't really worked it out. I hadn't really figured out what I was going to say at the TED Talk. What is your question, Frank? Gilbert, you know, a lot of people say there's no place to be bad anymore.

And I think that you've established a place. And God bless you. God bless you. And I love you. And I love Dara. Thanks, buddy. I love this table. Here's a man who's been on the podcast three times.

Very wonderful. Terrific guest. I think you know him as Jackie the Joke Man Martley. First of all, thank you very much for the two-hour lesson in why i'm not as fucking famous as the rest of you you're all incredible i very millions of years ago i never got any act i never got shit but me and gilbert got stuck in some horrible show that was on some channel that was around for 15 minutes and we're in Las Vegas and I don't know whether there's a spring or the fall but Las Vegas is a beautiful place during the day but then it drops

20 or 30 degrees and we're doing this horrible show and it's dinnertime so we're in the trailer and I'm getting the full Gilbert. I got an hour of Gilbert doing Ed Sullivan cursing at Jackie Mason for giving the finger. I thought I was going to piss myself. And we're exchanging jokes and it's so great. Finally they say it's dinner time. Now we're the stars of this show. So they're making steaks on the barbecue outside. But it's like fucking 30 degrees out there.

And the entire cast and crew are in line freezing their balls off waiting to eat. And we go out and go to the front of the line. And, of course, everybody's pissed off. And the guys are making steaks. And they hand me a steak. And they hand me a steak. And they hand Gilbert another steak. And fucking Gilbert goes, can I have another one? I dropped my plate and got the fuck out of there, man.

I love you, Gilbert. I love you. Thank you. We also have to... Gilbert, do you remember the first podcast, well, really the only podcast, where a guest ever fed us, invited us into their home?

Who would that be? There was lemonade, iced tea, fruit, cheese and crackers. Yes. Out of 300 shows, only one guest ever invited us in and fed us, tea, fruit, cheese and crackers. Out of 300 shows, only one guest ever invited us in and fed us, and that is the legendary Barbara Felden.

99 in the house. I had to feed you because I'm not funny. And when you asked me to do the show, I thought, I feel very honored, but I was bemused that you would want to interview me. And I was very nervous when the two of you came in. And then, of course, Dara came with her like angelic kind of persona and the afternoon I remember it so sweetly because you were so dear and you are so dear and Dara is such a love and Frank was wonderful and I thank you for the opportunity and I didn't

need to be funny at all Thanks for being here. Thanks for being here. And I say Barbara is still totally hot. She is. All right, we're going to make Barbara, because it's your birthday, we're going to make Barbara give you one, right? You know what to say.

You know he likes the... Oh, Max. what better way to cut the sentiment, Gilbert, than with the Roastmaster General himself. The one, the only, Jeffrey Ross. Oh, come on. Terrific. What a party. Where else might I 69 with 99?

No expense spared. You got the old couch from Harvey Weinstein's office. I'm really enjoying this reenactment of last night's Democratic debate. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So the joke is on me. I couldn't miss this for so many reasons. Dara and Gilbert are very, very dear friends of mine. The fact that they're together is a fucking miracle. And I do enjoy celebrating it all the time. The fact that Gilbert has children.

Despite some of the things he's said and done. Years ago, we, you know, to talk about the dramatic actor thing for a second, I did a dramatic part

with Gilbert on CSI. Do you remember this, Gilbert? Oh, yeah. By the way, Gilbert will never get another part because he's been recently me too'd by

Dolores Del Rio but we were on CSI and we had hours to kill in the valley it was very hot. And the B story, you know, we were playing dramatic roles as comedians in a dramatic role where I was poisoned by my opening act. And Gilbert was that opening act. And it was very serious. But the B story involved children.

So there were other trailers nearby with children. They weren't in our scenes and we weren't in their scenes. But we were a solid... And they spent most of the day with tutors and their parents would float around. We didn't get too involved in what was going on with that part of the show. But just with an earshot,

he would test to see who could hear him. While he was talking to me, Gilbert would, apropos to nothing, just say, big black cock. Just to see the reaction, to see if any of the tutors or parents would just turn around. And they're 50, 60 feet away.

But I'd say, Gilbert, how did your scene go? It was great, but there was not enough big black cock. And now you have children. When Gilbert first had kids, he's the first celebrity. People magazine offered him a million dollars never to take pictures. But, you know...

Somehow you created this amazing life and you give us, your friends, your fans, so much joy. A podcast, a live show, whatever it is, Gilbert. When I go on your show, when you come on my show, I always know it's going to be a home run

and I couldn't miss this. So Tara, happy 50th. Gilbert, whatever the fuck you are. Frank, you're annoying. Before we wrap up the show and we have a big finish, we want to introduce another showbiz legend who was kind enough to come down here and watch the show and support us. A living legend, Mr. Ben Vereen.

All right, ladies and gentlemen. Right here. Right here. Ben fucking Vereen. Yeah. Right here. Ben fucking Breen. Las Vegas.

Did you know that? In Chicago with Mary Lou? Yes. Yeah, we did Chicago together. We did Chicago together in 99. And you were fabulous, girlfriend. In 1999, it was a Tuesday. Yeah.

Thank you, baby. Future podcast guest, Ben Vereen. You have to do it. Ben, I need Ben Vereen to know, my first Broadway show, I was 12 years old, was Pippin. Yeah.

And I saw you, and I'll never forget it. It changed my life. Unbelievable. Changed my life. Thank you. And you were so magnificent. When those fucking hands came up,

I was like, what the fuck is that? My head popped off. So I think you're brilliant. And I love you and all that jazz. You're phenomenal in that. You're just magnificent. Thank you.

That's all. I had to tell you. Thank you. Wow. I feel like Jerry at the telethon. Another legendary pop culture figure, Mason Reese, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, everybody. Hey, guys, over here.

I'm the little guy that you can't see. Gilbert likes to hang out with me because he's taller than I am. So that makes him very happy. It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you, buddy. Thanks for coming out. Thanks for coming out.

What a night. If only, Gilbert, if only there were a man in the house, a showman, a performer dynamic enough to possibly close and cap such an evening. I can't imagine anyone being able to do that. Can you think of anybody? It would have to be someone who truly

loves showbiz and loves the spotlight. Somebody who loves showbiz. Would he be a renaissance man, Gilbert? A total renaissance man. He's a

gentleman and a gentle man. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Schaefer! Thank you, everybody. Thank you. First of all, I want to thank Frank and Gilbert for giving me this spot in the show because, my God, no, seriously,

to follow all these people is a thrill and a privilege. But Frank said, go right to the piano because the couch will be filled by the time you get on. So he said, go and be like you're playing for Bette Midler at the Continental Bass playing for Fagolas and you've got to sit there at the piano with a towel over your cock. And I'm happy to do that.

I only wrote one song, so I'm going to get on and off fast. I wrote this with the late, great Paul Jabara. Thank you. It's not my wife's favorite song. She said, don't you want to be known for anything else? Why just that one song? I said, you know, does Frankie Valli get tired of doing Sherry? No. Does it every single time. So with that in mind. piano plays

Humidity is rising Barometer's getting low According to all sources The street's the place to go Because tonight for the first time Just about a half past ten For the first time, just about a half past ten. For the first time in history, it's gonna start raining men. It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men, amen.

Well, I'm gonna go out, gonna let myself get absolutely soaking wet. It's raining men. Hallelujah. It's raining men. Every specimen. Well, tall, blonde, dark and lean. Rough and tough and strong and mean God bless Mother Nature She's a single woman too She took all the heavens And she did what she had to do Well, she fought every angel Rearr rearrange the sky so that each and every woman find the perfect guy Hallelujah, it's raining men. Amen. It's raining men. Hallelujah, it's raining men. Amen. For me, weather moving in

About to begin I hear the thunder Don't you lose your head Rip up the roof and stay in bed It's waiting, man Hallelujah It's waiting, man Amen It's waiting, man

Hallelujah Man Amen You got the tall, blonde, dark and mean Rough and tough and strong and mean. Men, hallelujah, it's raining men. Good God, it's raining men. Yeah. Thank you all.

And to Gilbert Gottfried, thanks to Padre. Thanks, everybody. We've got to go to bed. Good night. go to bed good night thank you guys we cannot follow the great Paul Schaefer. We're going to thank the cutting room. Steve and Susan and Gerard. We want to thank

again Sirius, our engineers tonight for the podcast. Scott, Dave and Nick. Paul Terrasio. Where are you, Paul? Paul Terrasio, our stage manager. Joe and Seth. How about for the Gilbert Godfrey trio? Julie Let's go to our stage manager, Joe and Seth. How about for the Gilbert Gottfried Trio?

Julie and Joe McGinty and Seth Saltzman. We want to thank Alan Zweibel, Mason Reese, Ben Vereen, Tom Leopold, Jackie the Joke Man, Jeffrey Ross, Susie Eshman. Who have I forgotten? And these wonderful people. Mario Cantone. Susie Esmond, who have I forgotten? And these wonderful people. Mario Cantone. Richard Kind.

Richard, where are you? Come on out. Richard Kind. Mary Lou Henner David Yazbeck and the great Paul Schaefer thank you all for coming we love you Thank you.