Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - John Byner

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

Comedian, actor and master impressionist John Byner returns to the show to share hilarious anecdotes about James Cagney, Jerry Lewis, Groucho Marx, Ed Sullivan and Jackie Vernon (to name a few) and to talk about his recently-released memoir "Five Minutes Mr. Byner: a Lifetime of Laughter."Also, Jack Carter lashes out, George Jessel lawyers up, Joey Bishop promotes a boxing match and Billy Barty sits on Bob Hope's lap. PLUS: Annette Funicello! "Angels with Dirty Faces"! Dueling Rod Steigers! "Merv Griffin's Talent Scouts"! And John and the boys remember the late, great Bob Einstein! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager.

Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Spring is here and you can now get

almost anything you need for your sunny days delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered.

A cabana? That's a no. But a banana? That's a yes. A nice tan? Sorry, nope. But a box fan? Happily, yes. A cabana? That's a no. But a banana? That's a yes. A nice tan? Sorry, nope. But a box fan? Happily, yes. A day of sunshine? No. A box of

fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. Our guest this week is back for a return visit since his first episode back in 2016

was a fan favorite and one of our favorites. I have to follow this? He's an actor, voice artist, impressionist, and one of the most gifted and popular comedians of his generation. You've seen him in TV shows too numerous to mention, but here are a few. Get Smart, The Odd Couple, Love American Style, The Pink Panther Show, Maud, Soap, Married with Children, Duckman, and the long-running sketch show Bizarre, as well as a million talk shows and variety shows, including The Carol Burnett Show, The Dean Martin Show, The Steve Allen Comedy Hour, Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In, The Late Show with David Letterman, and his own variety shows, Something Else and The John Beiner Comedy Hour.

Something Else and the John Biner Comedy Hour. He's also appeared in 18 episodes of The Ed Sullivan Show and a whopping 37 episodes of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and a long and very successful career that started back in the early 1960s. He shared the stage and screen with a who's who of showbiz royalty, including Bean Crosby. Everybody loves somebody. Oh, that's his song. Well, I just want to tell you, I've worked with him many times.

I had a good time with Bean. Bill. He's going right into it, Gil. Okay. Do you do a Henry Fonda? Well, I try to do it sometimes, but it doesn't always come out right. Do you do a Bob Hope? How about that?

Well, obviously, Jerry Lewis. Hey, that goes without saying. Who else is on that list of people he worked with? Fred, I know you do a great British stare. Oh, Rodney Dangerfield. Oh, hey, you know, I tell you, I tell you it's rough, you know.

I was looking out the window the other day. I got arrested for mooning. In no respect at all. Oh, Sammy Davis Jr. All right. Let me see. Well, hi there, man. And, oh, Burt Reynolds.

I know too, Burt. No. Okay. Do you do Don Rickles? You hockey puck. Just to name a few. There you go. His wonderful new memoir, co-written with Douglas Wellman, is called Five Minutes, Mr. Biner, A Lifetime of Laughter.

Frank and I are excited to welcome back one of our favorite performers, the man who does the best Jimmy Cagney and Robert Stack in the business, and a man who has a story involving both a chimp and Billy Barty. who has a story involving both a chimp and billy bardy but you put it that way fabulous john bayer something for everybody i thought ellis ed sullivan had a lot of different okay so okay so so goodnight everybody. Goodnight. Welcome back, John. Frank promised me

that you would have a Jew-hating story about Ed Sullivan. No, I didn't! Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it right there. You know, Sylvia

was a Jewish girl. A Jewish woman. I married her. And we were at the Temple Gotsi in Scottsdale, downtown Manhattan. And I had no, I could just, I'm colorblind and I'm religious blind and I'm just blind. I know I had them all on my show. I had Jose Feliciano, and I had nothing against their Jewish fellas. Gil, where did you get the idea that Ed Sullivan was anti-Semitic? He just strikes me. Maybe it's because of that fight he had with Jackie Mason.

No, Jackie Mason had to fight with him. You get me wrong. Yeah. Should we get that story out of the way, John, since you tell it so well? Oh, well, I was on that very show where, okay, let's see. Anytime you had a rock star come on the show that you were going to do, you knew you were going to have a lot of kids in the audience, especially the dress rehearsal.

And so when they were in, you had to readjust your timing and everything else. And you had to fall into it with them. Like I used to do it, and I'd say, you know, hold it down now, or I'll put you across my knee and spank you. So they all love that, you know, when you bring them into it. So anyway, Jackie's out there and the president of the United States at the time, Lyndon Baines Johnson, and they get word to the studio that

Lyndon Baines is going to take up the first half hour of the show, right, with a speech. And so Ed had, or the second half, I get a little confused, but one of those half hours. Yeah, the first half hour. So he's so Jackie Mason is working the thing because he was on the first part, which was going to Canada, not to the States, because the president would have nothing to do with Canada. You know what I mean? Anyway, so he's out there and he's working.

He's working with these kids and he's getting frustrated. And he says at one point, he says, look, I told you 30 jokes. Pick one you like. You know? So then he starts to thinking, OK, so he starts doing this thing with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton were very popular. They get divorced. They get married. The thing, the ring is as big as a manhole cover.

And it's all this stuff is in the news about them. So the kids know about them, whether they like to or not, they know about them. So he goes into this thing. He says, you know who's a big mouth? Richard Boyden. Richard Boyden is always talking Elizabeth this, Elizabeth that, Elizabeth this, Elizabeth that. You never hear me talk about it. So he's getting hot now they're starting to laugh they're starting to get with him and now ed gets word that that that johnson talked a little faster than usual and now it's only been 18 minutes and he's coming back on so now he's got to tell he's got to tell the world when they come back on the u.s comes on who's on the show and what's been on and all that kind of stuff.

So he tells the stage manager, give him give him the two minute sign. So he gets a two minute sign. So then then it's all Sullivan. He's getting like he says, then he get you give him the minute sign. So he goes like this. The guy behind the cameras, one finger stage, stage. Yeah, this one. Yeah, the pointer

so ed so so so he says so jackie says look at this he says i'm getting hot and they're giving me the finger well here's a finger for you and a finger for you out to the other side and the finger for you and then the finger for you but it was off camera here. But Ed didn't know it was off camera and his face dropped longer than it was when he wasn't mad. And he's like, oh, and Jackie walks off like, you know, with his hands like marching like a soldier, like a tin soldier that you'd wind up, walks off the stage like this. So I go up, you know, the show is over.

Now we're going to have the first. So now the show is over and I go upstairs and I'm taking my stuff and I get ready and I go down the stairs. CBS, you know, 53rd and Broadway CBS to go down the stairs. And there's a landing there. And Ed Sullivan's dressing room was off there and I'd have to pass him to go down the stairs again. And so I'd go in every Sunday and say, hi, good night, Ed. Good night, Vineyard, your treasure, whatever he said, right? So this night the door is closed.

And I hear, you lousy, no good. Well, you know, we have nuns and priests and rabbis watch this show. And you pull a stunt like that, you son of a bitch, who's just laying into him. And when he stopped for a breath, you'd hear Jackie go, but Ed,

and then he'd be right back down again. That was the way it went. Classic. That story has changed so many times over the years from other people telling it belzer belzer tells it richard belzer tells me he says oh i told that story to so many important people i said well did you give me credit for it no but they loved it but it's it's belzer who embellished the story with the anti-Semitic. Oh, yeah, he threw that.

He threw that. You lousy Jew. But, you know, he did it. Which is maybe where Gilbert got the notion. I never said that. But he was doing me, doing him, doing him, doing him. You know? But Rich is a good guy.

I like Rich. He's a good man, Richard. Yeah. And off the air, I brought up there was one bit you did on the movie Real Lobo. Yeah. Where you did the entire cast. Can you do some of that for us? Making you work, John. Yeah.

I love that bit. Walter Brandon was in it. And I don't do actual scenes from movies. I make up words, you know. You get the idea. You get the idea. You know, I was out there, and those fellas come early with those guns. And I don't know if we can hold them off.

Well, we're going to have to do it, or else you're going to throw that broom down and grab a rifle like everybody else. that broom down and grab a rifle like everybody else. Richard Belzer always reminds me, hey, you're still doing that? Oh, I forgot. The other great Sullivan story, John, and there were so many, and you liked him. I mean, he was like a father figure to you. He was, indeed, yeah. Which is rather touching. The other one is the one where it's bad luck to whistle backstage, and he...

The other one I love. where it's bad luck to whistle backstage and he the other one i love and it's in it's in the book i don't want to make you tell all the stories from the book but that's a great one you want for the contest story i'll throw that one in i'll throw that one in anticipation teaser it's a teaser anyway uh he took a bunch of us out there uh to work with him live at harris in Lake Tahoe for two weeks. Early in my career, I was about six months into the career. And I didn't know about the taboos and all that about what show business, you know, like they can't walk under this and don't be that and don't be that. So I get there, I get there the afternoon and I don't realize that Ed Sullivan's in his dressing room, which was right across the hall from my dressing room.

And I'm shining my shoes and I'm whistling. And I hear, who's that whistling over there? From his dressing room. So then I hear Jack Babb, his assistant, his unmistakable voice says, it's Biner, Ed. So there's a long pause and I'm sitting there like, I don't know what I'm going to do. And he says, Biner, don't you know that's taboo to whistle in the dressing room?

So I thought, okay. I sit back and I started Weiner, don't you know that's taboo to whistle in the dressing room? So I thought, okay. I said back, and I started back on my shoes, and he says, one more peep out of you, I'll come over there and string you up by your red balls. Love it. It's so good. You know know there's another thing it's like if someone said to me so and so does a great james cagney imitation to me i'm always thinking you know well everybody does james cagney you know it's like you dirty rats but then I heard yours, and you actually spent time with him.

I was invited to his home. Yes. I was at my friend Roger Miller. Damn me. Love Roger Miller. Trailers for sale. Hey, Banner. You know where I'm going?

He said, hey, Banner. You know where I'm going tonight? I said, where? He said, Mary and I are going over to James Cagney's house. So I said, wow, what I wouldn't do to just saying in passing, boy, what I wouldn't do to be able to meet him. And I go home to the beach. I was on the beach. My kids are upstairs.

I'm making dinner for them. And there's the dog is barking. He's up there. The kids are arguing about some shirt or something. And the phone starts to ring. And then somebody somebody picks it up and I'm still at the stove and my daughter looks over this little balcony thing and she's, Dad, you know, lackadaisical, James Cagney's on the phone. Wow.

So I pick up the phone and I said, Hello? Jono, it's me, Jimmy, Jimmy Cagney, we're having a smoker tonight, I'm inviting you, come on over, just you, me, and the boys, so I said, yeah, sure, he gives me his address and all that, so I go over there, and I walk in, and he comes over, and he says, about 80 years old, he had a little cane with him and he didn't say hello or anything. He puts his hand down and he says, I just saw you do something straight. It was marvelous. Marvelous. I wish people could see this. I wish this was a visual podcast.

Yeah, so that was kind of fun. And then he showed me around his house, just he and I. He said, come on, I want to show you something. And he took me upstairs to his office and he showed me some oriental gentleman artist had carved Jimmy's entire career into the door of this beautiful cabinet. And he had, you know, pictures of him in admiral's uniforms and all that kind of stuff. And who did it? Who did it? Yeah.

So anyway, he was a great guy. And then he went back a couple more times. And I was sitting there one night in a party. And he's like this across the way. He's got the cane. He's got his hand. And he's looking right at me. I'm about maybe six feet away from him.

And the party's going over there. And then, you know, and somebody's playing the banjo and entertaining in that area. And and he goes, he goes, John, oh, do you do Jimmy Stewart? I said, everybody does Jimmy Stewart. He said, so just Donald O'Connor saved my ass. He comes over and says, hey, come on, let's do Yankee Doodle for the old man. So we did a little Yankee Doodle for him, and that was great. Isn't there something, I'm trying to remember this story. He said something very sweet to you as you were leaving, or Pat O'Brien did.

He said that Irish poem, The Wind. Yeah. May the wind be always at your back. But I don't remember the rest of it. What a throw. Pat O'Brien walked me with Jimmy Cagney. I couldn't, James Cagney and Pat O'Brien. I thought, holy cow, I must be a priest.

The last mile. I thought, holy cow, I must be a priest. The last mile. It's so funny because I've never heard a Cagney imitation like that. Oh, it's the best. Well, everybody does. Well, everybody. He talked real fast like this.

He'd tell a little story. He'd talk real fast. Because everybody used to do James Cagney, and it was always like, you dirty rat. Yeah, they had easy things to do. Yeah, like Jimmy Stewart. All you have to do is just figure out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brilliant.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was talking about there. I just want to ask a couple of more things about Ed, John. You've done this show before. You know we jump around like crazy people. You said he was a unique man whose talent was spotting talent. Oh, yeah. Which is a fascinating statement. Yeah, well, he knew. He'd hear somebody on the radio as he drove home to Connecticut, and he'd call his people and he'd say, hey, I heard a certain blah, blah, blah, blah, blah on the radio, and

try to book her within the next month or something. And that's how he'd find people. He'd just listen, and he'd look, and he'd find out who, like the Beatles and all that, he'd find out who He'd just listen and he'd look and he'd find out like the Beatles and all that. He found out who was popular, who was doing this and who was that. And you know, he was in tune. And he had his art. The art was in television, especially then. Then there were only three channels. So people couldn't slip around. They didn't like something. But there was just three channels. around. They didn't like something. You couldn't, but now they go.

But there was just three channels. So if you didn't like something, you'd wait until the opera singer or, you know, Charles Lawton reading the Bible or something like that was over. So, you know, you get into some heat and he had something that was quick and good right after that to kind of bring you out of that. And then he had something to load you back if somebody came out. You know, he just knew how to space a show and how to make it stay interesting. Like the first time you were on with Ricky Lane and Velvo, the Ventriloquist Act, George Raft and a Flaming Baton Act. You got to watch yourself backstage.

Did you ever go on with Bobby Barissini and his chimps? Do you remember that act? Yeah, I remember the act, but I never did go on. At a monkey act? No, no, I never did go on. I also think that something in the book you mentioned, too, that he deserves credit, too, while he was discovering talent, you know, in a difficult era. I mean, he was never discriminatory. Not at all.

Everybody that was, the only thing he saw was talent. That's it. That's all. That's all. That's what he saw when he met his wife. I'm going to make people buy the book, too, to read the Alan Jones story with Ed, because it's so much fun. And now, what what but then wasn't Jackie Mason like banned?

Ten years. Yeah. Ten years he didn't go back and one day he met Jackie. He ran into Jackie in an elevator or something down in Miami. He said you know like nothing happens. When are you going to do our show again, Jackie?

And he was on the next week yeah the first night you did Sullivan Jack Carter said something mean-spirited to you on the stairwell you see the first time I was on I I well it's done you know it's like it's like uh the first time I was on was a surprise to me and everybody that that did the dress rehearsal because they had to cut some of their time. Right. And, you know, doing a show, you got to know exactly when it's coming in and when they go out and who did that, who's wearing that, you know, you got to do the things, you know? So, so, uh, it was kind of like, Holy cow, they're changing around, they're changing timings and this, that, and the other thing.

And Jack Carter had a little thing in dress rehearsal where his wife came out. I don't know what the deal was, but his wife came out beating a bass drum or something, you know, boom, boom, boom. And they cut that right out. And I'm sure he had to take that long ride back to L.A. with her sitting next to him on the plane. We never heard so many flattering things about Jack Carter on the, doing this show over the years. Let's just say he was super insecure.

We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. After this. Baseball is finally back. podcast after this. for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Welcome to BMO ETFs.

Where do you get your insights? Volatility has continued to be a hot topic. I think the Fed does have other cards to play. Are these mega cap tech companies here to stay? Never before has there been a better time to be an ETF investor. BMO ETFs presents Views from the Desk, a show all about markets and investing with ETFs. New episodes every Thursday morning. KTF's new episodes every Thursday morning. Can you do any Jack Carter?

Any chance? Just, you know, it's like this all the time. You know, it's like. Yeah, well, I was over there and I was doing that. You know, it's like that. You know, he sounded like he almost lost his chops, you know. So he everybody was cut. And I had I had this one suit.

I was working in a truck at the time. And I had this one suit that I'd wear to church and, you know, the one suit. So I wore the one suit for dress rehearsal. So by the time I got through sitting around waiting for everybody to finish, that one suit was all wrinkled and stuff. sitting around waiting for everybody to finish that one suit was all wrinkled and stuff and and so they sent me down to their basement uh under the stage where the guys were you know did all the ironing and getting the costumes back in shape that were in dress rehearsal and all that and they gave me a robe and some sandals to get around because they're going to do my shoes and my pants and my dinner and um and and and to get back to the stairs or the elevator that takes you up after the first floor,

it takes you up to where I was. I had to go up this flight of stairs and there's like the school steps, you know, they had the tin on the edge of the step, the metal. And I had the sandals on and I wasn't used to sandals. And I slipped on the first step like that. And I hear, I hope you break your neck. That was Carter. Jack Carter, nice guy.

And I look up and here he is on a fold-out chair leaning against the side of the elevator door, you know, and looking down at me like that, like, you know, a lot of hate in his heart. We had him booked on this show, John, but he passed away suddenly. From nervousness. Before we could get to him. Well, God bless him, you know. I mean, he had a nice wife. He'd have to be. How many Sullivans did you do? We put it in the intro.

Was it 18? 17 or 18. 17, 18. And how did it feel? It was a special I did. I had that. How did it feel to set foot back in the Sullivan Theater all these years later doing Leatherman? Yeah, it was.

So I paid homage to the show doing that. You read your reviews on this thing that we're talking over and some people say, I didn't know any of the people he was doing. He's a 10-year-old idiot. It was very good. I had a good time and it was a fun feeling. People can see it on YouTube. I had a good time, and it was a fun feeling, you know? Yeah. People can see it on YouTube.

I recommend it. Yeah, well, thanks. Thanks. Martin Lewis is great. What do you remember about working with Jerry Lewis? Jerry Lewis was my inspiration to be a comedian when I was a kid. My father passed away, and I was, you know, pre-te and and I was feeling real bad about it and for a long time. And as you may realize, and a friend of mine, we didn't have television. We're back. We were in Queens at the time.

And a kid invited me over to see the Colgate Comedy Hour, Dean Martin, Gene Martin, and Jerry Lewis. And Jerry Lewis came out, and he's an adult acting like the kid that just knocked me out. I started laughing. I forgot all about my father. I forgot all about everything. I just thought, I'm just rolling around laughing at this guy, you know? And I always like making people laugh. It's great. What did you and Jerry do? You did a short-lived...

I did a thing. Jerry had a thing for a while, his own show, and it went on. Well, I just have to talk real seriously now because I'm in the business. And, you know... With the jaw. And anyway, he had this TV show. We did it at NBC, and it was, I don't know how many shows we did, but I was like his Dean Martin. Not quite as handsome, but I don't know.

He wanted somebody around to be like a straight guy. I'd love to find those and see them. I would, too. I hadn't seen any of them. I just, you know, I was working so much, I'd never get to see them. But I'd like to find those and see them. I would too. I hadn't seen any of them. I was working so much, I'd never get to see them. But I'd like to see them too. I think they're only like five or six weeks he was there. And when was your first time performing or getting or auditioning or anything?

My high school buddy, Dean Calcano who is who's now dean christopher because everybody used to use the g you know you calcagno so it bothered him so he changed it to dean christopher his middle name so anyway dean christopher and i were high school friends and his father worked for he was an artist that cartoon artist that worked for one of the papers, the newspapers in Manhattan. And he found out about this Irving Mansfield. Merv Griffin had a show like the Arthur Godfrey thing years ago,

the Talent Scout show, where he'd get well-known people to come on and sit down and pretend that they they they found somebody in the club or on the street playing the banjo whatever and that person would be brought out and that was you know just to bring some stars out and say here's there's going to be a anyway i uh i i auditioned for irving mansfield in his office. And Merv Griffin and Joe Calcagno and they found, they said that they had found me. Years later, I'd see the producer being interviewed

and he'd say, oh yeah, John Beiner. So that's the first thing I did. And it was kind of a fun thing. I did the goofs of the stars. That was my premise. What's the goofs of the stars? Well, it was Johnny Mathis. It's not for me to say.

You have a whole lot. So good. And Elvis. I did Elvis. I don't remember all of it. But Elvis was, he had the guitar, you know, with the strap. He was singing, love me tender, love me too, never let me go. And then he'd sling the guitar around to his back and the strap would come across his throat. And I'd say,

Love me tender. Love me tender. Love me tender. Love me tender. And that's what I did on the first one. And Jack O'Brien was the guy who did all the reviews for the New York, I think it was the Times. And he gave me a great review.

And he said, finally, talent with the scouts. That's the way he opened the review. Now, I just remembered something. When you did that voice, did you used to do a character named Mr. Fossil Doodle? Yes, Felix Fossil Didi. Yeah Mr. Fossil Doodle. Yes. Felix Fossil Didi. Yeah. Felix Fossil Didi.

Gary Moore came back for about four weeks with Derwood and all that stuff. And yeah, we did him as a, what was it? An animal psychologist. Yeah. Yeah. Somewhere I have myself and Annette Funicello. She played my nurse. And I'm talking about the animals. I'm talking about the animals and I say, you know.

And I start coming on to her. You know. Chasing her around the desk. You're such a beautiful woman, you're so sweet. And then at one point I stop and I walk toward the camera and I go, you know, Disney was no fool. The Merv Griffin Talent Scout story's in the book, John. And there's a couple of turning points in your journey.

There's that one. There's the night you discovered the Oaks Club in Syosset. Oh, that was the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. And walked in. That was a need of extra money. I was working for a pool company, and I'd drive my truck, sometimes, you know, going to repair a pool or pump it out or do whatever.

And I see this sign in Syosset. And there's a big old house, big gray old house. And they'd taken the porch and made a nightclub out of the porch. Big front, you know, with all the glass and everything. It's just a nightclub. And on the sign, it said talent, talent show ever. No, not a talent show, but entertainment every Saturday night. And so I had I had done a few things in the Navy to make the guys laugh.

And and and and so, you know, I was I came home on a Saturday night from work and about six o'clock. And my wife was telling me that that we needed some shoes, you know, for the kids. You know, the kids, they eat shoes. So so I figured we need some extra bucks. So I went and put that same suit on and I went over to Syosset, which was about, I don't know, 15, 20 miles from where I lived. And I parked the car. And it was like, you know, the Lord was just waiting up there for me to get off my ass and do something. Because I walked into that place.

And as I'm walking in, there's a trio on the little stage they had there with a little room with about 15 people at different tables and the guy obviously had been doing some stand-up is walking off the stage to this one guy so i go so i go over and i i find out where i find out from one of the guys the trio gets off the stage and uh and i stop one of them and I say, hey, who owns this place? And they say, it was right over there. Dick Metz, tall guy with jingling change in his pocket and he's looking around. And the bar's kind of loaded with people and I said, hey, I

did some things in the Navy, some shows. I said, okay, I'll try something out on the stage. He goes, hey, it couldn't hurt. Early Rodney. And so I talked some things over with the guys in the trio, and I got up there, and it turned out to be a job that went on for months. Saturday night. I'm a Long Island kid.

I have no memory of the Oaks Club, which must be long gone. Was it on Jericho Turnpike? I figured as much. The house is so old, it was sighing. Long gone. What did you do that night, John? You did John Wayne as a priest, and you did the JFK football coach? Having to come out of Catholic school, and we moved a lot, so it was a public school or a Catholic school or a public school.

I used to stand up for prayers in the public school, and they'd say, what are you doing? Oh, I'd sit down. But, yeah. I mean, what the hell were you talking about? I saw myself standing there next to that seat, you know, after lunch, waiting for prayers and after lunch prayers, and it was public school. Anyway. You also did the JFK football coach. Oh, yes, I did that.

I did that. I did the members of our squad. This guy, the premise was this guy, this football coach, he has no control over the guys. They're in the room drinking. They got girls in the dressing rooms. And he's really had a bad season. And he goes home. He turns on the set. And it was when JFK was, you know, president. And he hears this guy talking and he thought, well, maybe if I go in and I talk to him like that, they'll listen to me. So he goes in, he goes, now this is, you know, early stuff. This isn't going to knock you out, more than likely. He goes in,

he goes, members of our squad. And the girls stop, everything stops. They go, we are gathered here in this dressing room for one purpose, this locker room for one purpose. And that is to keep warm. It is cold out there. And also to talk about last week's game. Now when you embarrass me, no. Oh, I have to explain to you that when I signed to play the Texas Longhorns, I had no idea we'd be playing real steers. Which brings me to the point that really embarrasses me.

To the point that really embarrasses me. When we lose today, and we will lose today, I refuse to see you once again carry off the opposing coach on your shoulders. That went on like that. So you were a big hit at the Oaks. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was a big hit. And the priest, the priest, the Duke.

Right. That was a big hit. And the priest, the priest, the Duke. Right. That was a big hit. Whether you're Catholic or Protestant or Jewish or you don't have a religion at all. The Duke. And it was Latin back then. It wasn't any like, you know, speaking English from the altar is all Latin. I used to be in the choir. I was in the girls choir for about four years.

Anyway, yeah, and he does the Duke, and I'd walk that walk, and I'd turn around and say, O Dominus Vobiscum, et conspiritu tuo, kid. So good. Or Sushi, pray dei, pray cationem, peccatora. There you go. Yeah. so good or sushi pray day pray katsuyon and pekka torah there you go yeah those things and you don't ask me what it means it's great you are you mentioned you know working with annette finicella what do you remember about her oh she's just a darling girl she was beautiful and she was sweet and she laughed a lot.

I loved to make her laugh. She was great. We had Frankie on this very podcast. Frankie's a wonderful guy. Good guy. At the Copa. I opened for him at the Copa. Good man.

Yeah. Speaking of JFK, I'd say another turning point in your career, and one of my favorite things in the book, too, JFK, I'd say another turning point in your career, and one of my favorite things in the book, too, is you going to do the JFK impersonation contest the night Vaughn Meter was in the audience. And that was pivotal because that was the night you met Harry Columbia. That's right. That's right. That's in the book, too. Yeah.

There's not going to be anything left. Once upon a time. Yeah, I know, Dad. Little Goldilocks. You're right. Anyway. Yeah, so I went in there to do my JFK. And I did that thing.

And I won the contest, which was $10. There was a guy that would collect the buck at the door. He was just interested in people in the business and comedy. And, and he had rented out this, this hall and, uh, and, uh,

and, and, and a lot of comics came in and they, you know, and there were a lot of agents and managers in the audience that had no idea about this, but they were, and,

uh, and, and, and actually Vaughn Meador was there. And, uh, and I did the JFK thing. And then I went and sat down and one of the guys the comic came over to me and he said hey you want to do an improv and I didn't I didn't know what it meant I thought maybe it's something you do in the alley you know

I didn't know what it meant you know so so he explained to me it was, and so we, and then he said, here's what we're going to do. He says, I'll be the plane. He was a rubber face guy. His name was Bob. I couldn't remember his last name. His name was Bob, and he had this rubber face, and he said, I'll do the plane, and you be the tower, and I can't get my wheels down. And I come in, and I ask for instructions. I said, okay, fine. And I said, okay, no, I didn't say fine, because I didn't know what the hell I was going to get into. can't get my wheels down and and uh i come in and i ask for instructions i said okay fine

and i said okay not i didn't say fine because i didn't know what the hell i was going to get into you know so now it's our turn we get up there and he explains the whole setup and i'm standing there and he's next to me and he going playing the tower playing the, request permission to land. And I'm standing there and I don't know what the hell I'm going to say. I don't say anything. Plus, I don't know what the hell to say. So he goes, playing the towel, playing the tower, request permission to land.

I still don't know what to say. And I know the third time, if I do this, it's a big bomb. You get three shots. So my Rod Steiger comes to my head because I had seen him in a movie and I liked him. And I thought it was an interesting voice. So he tells you, now it's this. Now I'm ready. So he goes, now he's really nervous he's starting

looking at me like God please say something request for admission to the land and I said boy have I got news for you I love the Rod Steiger. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You look at. Oh, OK. I mean, I meet him at a party for the first time. A friend of mine, Lou Alexander. Lou Alexander was in the business. And he says, I said, hey, look at Rod Steiger's over there. He says, you want to meet him? I said, boy, I sure would like to.

But but he said he embarrassed me. He comes over. He says, this is John Byn? I said, boy, I sure would like to. But he said, he embarrassed me. He comes over. He says, this is John. And he shakes my hand. So Lou says, he says, John does an impersonation of you. I said, oh, shit. So he says, do you do me from the pawnbroker? I said, no. Then you don you do me from the pawnbroker? I said, no.

Then you don't do me. That's one of my favorites. Have you heard Gilbert's Rod Steiger, John? It's not bad. Let's hear it. Give him a little, Gil. We'll get a dueling Rod Steiger thing here. Oh, okay.

This is Rod Steiger in Convicts 4. Wow. Where he's the warden. Well, first let me ask, is there any jokers in the audience? Oh, is there any clowns among you? I don't like clowns. I used to think I was happy being Mr. Friendly Nice Guy, but then I got this.

A junkie pulled a knife on me. So just remember, I am not friendly. I am not sympathetic. I am not even human. Nice. I like it when he gets mad. You know, his teeth are blind. When he gets very excited.

I didn't say that. The breathing. I didn't say that at all. Oh, and Rod Steiger and the Pawnbroker was... The Pawnbroker? Yes. Yes. Was a what?

My dear Mrs. Birchfield, you made this an extremely tedious afternoon with your constant search for an answer. Please, leave me alone. How many times do you watch these movies? I know. Run it back. I got to get that word in. I'd like to see you guys take this on the road. And now, remember, we worked together. Yes, we did.

Yeah. Silk stockings. Silk stockings. Oh, very good. That was one of those shows on the USA Network. That's right. You guys were in the same episode? Who did you play, Gil? Oh, I was like some kind of wheeler dealer, like an agent, just general con artist.

And I think, were you like a car mechanic or something? I was anything during any week. I couldn't hold on to a job. It's like when you were reading all the shows I've been on over the years. I'd say, geez, I couldn't hold a job. I remember you on that show. Yeah, they'd send me out to do different work, to meet people in different factories and things. Cotton Dunn was my name.

By the way, Harry Columbia strikes me as a real showbiz character. He was representing Theolonius Monk on a handshake deal back then when you went on to manage Michael Keaton. Yeah. Yeah. He left me for another guy. He did? Yeah. I'm sorry I brought him up.

That's all right. I still love him. I still love him. We had dinner last time I was out there. And tell us about working with Don Rickles. John and I were on a Carson show one night and Carson said, he's putting everybody down and he says, what about John Biner? And Don said, looked at me and he looked back

at Johnny and he said, John's a gentleman. Oh, how nice. You also did the Rickles show back in the day. Yeah, I did the Rickles show back in the day. Yeah, yeah. I did the Rickles show, yeah. Louise Sorrell. Very good. Very good. Tell us, we did an odd couple 50th anniversary a couple of weeks ago. I was telling you over email with Jack's sons, Adam and David.

And David was telling me that when Dad worked with you in those two episodes, that he could not keep a straight face in any scene you were in. Oh, yeah. Jack wrote a book. Remember? He wrote a book, and inserted in the book was a little disc. Yeah, Tony and me. It shows the outtakes.

It shows the outtake when he broke up at one point in the garage thing. He breaks up and Tony's standing there and he goes, you are a naughty man. You are a naughty man. Did Tony give you something for that character? Yeah, he gave me. I'm in the dressing room. We're getting ready to do the garage mechanic, garage parking guy. And he comes and it used to be like at the end of it, I'm yelling at him. I got the rag in my hand, you know, the towel, whatever you say. And I'm yelling at the

hall. They're leaving. I say, yes, you'll be back. You'll be back on your knees like my mother, you know, you'll be back. You'll be back on your knees like my mother. You know? That's great. And he comes by and he puts his hands on my shoulder. He goes, tonight it's Yizzle. Yizzle be back. And that's very New York.

Yizzle. That's to bring the whole group in. Yizzle. It's like New York's version of y'all. Yeah. This is a guy from Oklahoma, by the way. You shall all have a party. You were, you was two episodes.

You were very memorable. You were the, you were Hooper, the, the ad man and the fat away pill. Two opposite guys. Yeah. Yeah. He was the, he was the business guy. The other guy was a business guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I got a question, a question from a listener, John. Floyd McDaniel, I'm thrilled that John is back. He's been one of the guests that I've been dying for a return since his first visit. Do any of his famous friends or has anyone ever gotten upset with him or peeved with him over one of his impressions? Well, the only guy is an old-timer named George Jessel, who your listening audience may never remember.

Oh, they know from this show, buddy. Now, years ago, Jessel used to come on the Carson Show, and he told a little story here and there. And I'd come out, and I'd sing, and he'd tell these stories. And he had a little tune he liked his night and writing star anyway I'm doing and he was always known for being having all these he'd show up at a show and have all these young women with him you know and he was about

90 years old and he's got all dressed in an army thing that he made up his own uniform because he was known as the Toastmaster General of the world. And so he'd be, anyway, we're doing a takeoff on the Tonight Show on the Craft Music Hall. And Rich Little was playing Johnny Carson. And Sheila McRae was playing Zsa Zsa Gabor. Wow. And I was George Jessel on the show. So I get on there and I was talking about my niece, Heather.

This is so visual. You know, and talking about these young ladies in his life. And I go, you know, and talking about these young ladies in his life. And I go, you know, it's all over with. And I go home and about six months later, I get a note that he's going to sue me. Reformation of character. So I called my agent naturally right away. And he said, oh, Jessel, man, every time he's out of work for a while, he starts to sue people.

But as it turns out, he had to sue the producer because it was in his script, you know, so it wasn't my fault at all. Didn't you? I'm in the book, too. The great Nathan Lane wrote your foreword for the book. Nathan, yeah. Yeah, and you guys were in the Sondheim show on Broadway. And did he dare you to do an entire show as Jessel? No, he just came in dressing him one night. He says, you know, when you do this, brother, I play two characters.

Okay. in dressing him one night. He says, you know, when you do this, brother, I play two characters. And he says, when you do the other brother, he's more kind of showing his age rather than the other guy who's more of a hipster. And so he said, why don't you try it as George Jessel? See what that happens tonight. So I did. So I did. You just did it.

I just came out and started doing my lines as George Jessel. And it goes on from there. So Jessel threatened to sue, never actually sued. No, he couldn't sue me. sued never actually sued no he couldn't sue me okay and what was it like working with fred astaire oh well he was a terrific guy it was a you know a very kind of regular guy shows up with his hands in his pockets you know hey how you doing you know so like here's another one from from a listener john luis linares needless to say i would love to hear a single memory from john of working with the late great bob einstein well you know it all depends on how you look at it

that's great are you going to do that john john john are you going to do that? John, John, John, are you going to do that tonight or what? You're going to just stand there and look? You know, he used to break me up. He'd break me up. And he'd call me up to like, you know, months, months, up to about a month before he passed away. He'd call me every month, every other month, but six or eight times a year. And it would always be a joke. He wouldn't say, hey, this is Bob. How you doing?

A lady walks into a store. Even if I had heard it, I waited for the end because every time he'd get near the punchline, it would excite him so much his voice would change. It would be like this. I'd say, I'll just make some dumb thing up. Okay. So the guy comes in and he's got the basket.

And he walks outside and he looks down and the cat is in the basket. He did this show, John. He raked us over the coals pretty good. Oh, yes. Oh, he just told it like it is. He tore us up. Oh, yeah. It was hysterical.

We miss him. We miss him greatly. I miss those calls. You know, I miss the show Bizarre, which was one of my favorite John Biner projects. And what did you play? Over 300 characters? Yeah. In the three and a half years we did it, I did over 300 characters.

Yeah. It is another story from the book, but do you want to tell Gilbert the Billy Barty story? Ah, okay. Because Gilbert has a special affection the Billy Barty story? Oh, okay. Because Gilbert has a special affection for Billy Barty. Billy was all right. Hi, John. I'll tell you a Bob Hope story. I shouldn't tell this, but I will.

In his later years, he's got a young man showing him around, you know, taking him around different places. And there was a big celebration at Universal, in a big hall in Universal. And I was there and Annie, my wife, was there. And sitting around a table, and here's this gentleman on the stage, and a local newscaster was reading this nice, poignant thing about Billy Barty,

and in comes, the big doors open, and in comes this guy holding Bob Hope by the arm and bringing him over. And he sits right down at this round table. It's about 12 foot, 12 foot across round table. And, uh, and he sits down in one of the chairs at the round table and this guy's up on the stage and all of a sudden out of nowhere, he yells, I want ice cream. Scream. Will, remind you, John, we told you this the last time you were here, but Gilbert famously lost a part to Billy Barty.

Yeah, I was done for a part in a movie. He bitter yeah they told me i lost the billy barbie it was a mel brooks picture what what what what what is the chimp story since we put it into the intro because it was not over with the billy body story. Oh, sorry. No, no. No, no. I have to tell you this. One other thing. We're still with Bob. Still with Bob in the chair. Okay.

Okay. Now, somebody backstage tells Billy that Bob hopes in the audience. Next thing you know, Billy's over right there by his lap. And he goes, hiya, Bob. And Bob goes, who's that? Okay, so there you are. I'm enjoying the sight of John Biner breaking himself up, Gilbert. Well, I like you.

I like your laugh. You guys laugh. You laugh good. We will also remind our listeners that John was briefly in the infamous Joys in 1976. Oh, my God. The Jaws parody. Yeah. Yeah, well, Bob Hope thought it was a good idea because Jaws was a big hit to write a story about some comic being killed and call it Joy. I think the killer turned out to be Johnny Carson.

It's on YouTube if you dare. It's frighteningly bad. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah. Tell us, these are just names of people, random people that you work with over the years.

And these are people whose names come up on the show and Gilbert and I are fascinated by them. Joey Bishop. Yeah. Impressions of the man. And I don't mean impression. Well, you know,

it was always like this. It was like, it was like almost like Jackie Mason, but not quite. You know, it's just, just, just this side of Jackie Mason took up.

He did just this side. That's about it. It was like, what? You know, it's just this side of Chukka. He makes a took of Chukka just this side. That's about it. He's like, what? Did you like Joey? I like Joey. He had me on his show so many times. I lived in Hollywood right down there by the studio, and anytime somebody canceled or something, he had this

crazy idea. He had this crazy idea. idea. They had this crazy idea. Rich Little. This is something that I hadn't thought about in a long time. Rich Little and me in boxing trunks

in an arena with gloves on throwing each other impersonations. Wow. I'll hit you with a Jerry Lewis. Give John, we're entertaining him too, so give him a little bit of your jessel. Oh. One bright and shining light that taught me wrong from right, I found the light.

I'm harmonizing with you. Yeah, how? Okay. I'm from the night. Mother's eyes. I think let's go have some more cake. And then his other thing was, hello, mama. This is George.

You remember me? Yeah. From the money every week. Yes, yes. Yes. Did you get the paradise sent you? What, you ate it? I forgot all about that.

That's great. That parrot spoke five languages. Oh, he should have said something. Gilbert, did you ever meet Jessel in your travels? No. Oh, hey. Okay, so years later, I'm working at the landmark in Vegas. It used to be there.

And I get there the night before and actually I get my suite and I roll back it's about three in the morning and I saw on the sign driving up that Jessel was closing that night he was opening for I don't know somebody and I said oh that's interesting so I go out and it's kind of a foggy night and I see this figure by the pool. This figure by the pool. And as I get closer, I realize it's George Jessel. And I say, hey, how you doing? He says, hey, Johnny, you going to do me tonight? He was all right. Did you have any dealings? Did you work with

or just talk to Jack Benny? Oh, I sat with Jack Benny in the audience. He came to do the Gary Moore show. He was a little guest on the Gary Moore show while I was doing the Gary Moore show. So I sat in the audience with him one afternoon and we knocked it around. Yeah, we talked about things. You also crossed paths with Groucho. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was early in my career. A friend of mine from the William Morris Agency, one of those agencies early in my career. He said, let's go to the Fireers Club. There's a little party going on over there. I don't remember what was going on. But I saw a look way over toward the stage at a big round table was Groucho Marx with some people. I said, wow, Groucho Marx. I loved his show. He read your life. Say the sacred word, divide your family.

So I figured all these people get up and they go to the bar, a little break going. So they go to the bar and he's standing there smoking a cigar, kind of leaning against the chair chair but you know how the guys will turn the table around yeah he's leaning against his hair so i go over and i said i i was you know about five feet away from i said excuse me sir you don't know me but i think you're terrific he said oh i know who you are what i don't know is why someone who looks like you do does what you do he says now think about that that's a triple compliment yeah so we go away and then now years later uh i'm doing a thing with john john davidson um a big uh a big playboy thing you know miss playboy of the year whatever was, a lot of legs.

And there's a break in the film or something, the tape or whatever, and it asked me to go out and entertain the audience and hold them in their seats. So I looked down, and there's Groucho with the beret. It was in his beret day. Oh, yes. The beret and sitting next to Connie Stevens, whom I know all my career.

And I tell that story. You. And I tell that story. You know, I tell that story. I say, blah, blah, blah. Then I go back to my dressing room after the show, and I'm getting my stuff together. You know how you are. You're putting your stuff in the bag

and all that, and he knocks on the door. I open it. It's Groucho. He takes the cigar out of his mouth. He says, if you were a Goyle, I'd marry you.

Isn't that great, Gil? Yeah. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast, but first, a word from our sponsor. How do stop losses work on Kraken? Let's say I have a birthday party on Wednesday night, but an important meeting Thursday morning.

So sensible me pre-books a taxi for 10 p.m. with alerts. Voila. I won't be getting carried away and staying out till 2. That's stop loss orders on Kraken. An easy way to plan ahead. Go to Kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Non-investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See Kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. Treats for every celebration, big or small. Make it easy and breezy with our legendary

lineup of summer must-tries from the PC Insiders Report Summer Edition. Like our new flake-outs, there are delicious twists on the croissant donut with 24 layers of croissant flakiness twisted with fancy donut fun. Get ready to go all out for less. Speaking of Mason, when you did the Ant and the Aardvark on the Panther show, you got, you say in the book, you got permission from both Jackie Mason and Dino? No, the producers, the producers of the Godzilla thing. You know, the, uh, yeah. Yeah. The Patty and Freeling. Yeah. Patty Freeling. Yeah. Legends. Legends.

How did you, how did you like Dino? How'd I do what? How did you like Dean? Did you, did you, did you spend any time? Oh, Dean was a regular guy. You know, he's, hi John, how you doing? guy you know he's John how you doing yeah and Sammy Davis jr. hey there man yeah I worked with him I liked him a lot he was he was nice guy I he was so he was so thrilled that when I was in the Navy I had the album in my in my cubicle it's called Manhattan Tower. You familiar with that? Manhattan Tower is an album.

It was a Broadway play, a musical. And I had that. And in the back of it, it said the cover was photographed by Sammy Davis Jr. And that's years ago. You know, now in the mid-80s or some other time like that, I'm doing this show with him. And he's got his, you know, a couple of his friends are with him. And he's got the cameras around. And he says, you know, I take pictures, don't you, John?

And I said, yeah, I know you take pictures. He says, in fact, I told him that story, how I had the album. And I knew that he, hey, man, listen to this. He had to tell his guys about it. It was a thrill that I had remembered that. John, you worked with everybody. Yeah, just about. Did you work with Miltie?

Milton Berle, no, but he is a good friend of mine. I met him out at the Friars Club, and we became really tight friends. And he was a wonderful man. him out to Friars Club and we became really tight friends and he was a wonderful man. You know how sometimes in Vegas they'll call you up and they'd say, hey, Milton Berle's going to do you. We're going to have a radio show or TV thing you want to

come by between shows. And he'd always be right there giving you all kinds of, you know, pumping you up and he was a nice guy. He wasn't Jack Carter at all. And he always loved my Jessel. He always loved my Jessel. He always loved my Jessel. It's the first time he'd see me, he'd go like this, John.

That's great. Which is a way of telling me he wanted to hear Jessel. That's great. Two people we've not heard flattering things about on this podcast in six years are jack carter and danny k oh yeah danny k i'm a glad that i'm not done i'm hans christian uh let me talk to you quickly, John, about Soap. Yeah. I was telling you, before we turned the mics on, I was telling you we had Ted Wass here.

Oh, yeah. That was a show. You stood out on that show. You only did 17 episodes. Yeah. Which I was surprised by because I remember you being a fixture there. Yeah, well, it was two seasons, and she falls in love with me, you know, and Mrs. Tate. And it was fun to do, and I met a lot of great people.

Tell us something about Richard Mulligan, who's a guy that Gilbert and I were fascinated by. Richard Mulligan was a fascinating guy. I mean, you know, after you've done it, you know, Gil, you've done it. You've had, you open your book on Monday and you read down, then they get it on its feet after lunch and you know how it goes. And so, you know, after we closed the book on Monday, we'd, you know, we'd get up and we'd all get a cup of coffee except for Richard Mulligan. He'd have his book, he'd be he'd have his book. He'd be pacing back and forth. I was reading and stuff and doing the camera, you know, doing those things.

And he'd do them exactly like that. When it came on, he had every little thing all figured out. Very eccentric performer. Yeah. I remember, if I remember the name of this show, did he do a show called The Hero? Hmm. I gotta look that up, Gil. You mean where he played a doctor thing after that? Yeah, Empty Nest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he play a superhero, Gil? No, I think

I, oh God, it's going to kill me now. He was like a Western hero actor, like a John Wayne type actor. Oh, well. Someone in the audience right now Is screaming out the name of the show Do you guys want to take a swing at that thing we printed out? Doing a movie scene together?

Okay, sure This is something we sent to John And he was game because he's a pro And this is something we used to do on the show Which is movie scenes And this is from Angels with Dirty Faces. And Gilbert will be Bogey. And John will be his beloved James Cagney, since he does the best Cagney ever.

You guys want to give this a shot, see how it sounds? Okay. Go ahead, Gil. I've been rocky. I'm pulling every string I can. I'm seeing all the right people, and I think I can get you off in about three years. You talk like I can do that three years in a handstand. It's a long time. That ain't no picnic.

You'll be outside having it solved, right on those cushions. I know it's a tough break, Rocky, but I'm not going to mark time. I'm going to scout around and make connections, not only for me, but for both of us. You understand? Why should I take the fall? There's no other way out. Now be sensible. If they get me too, I'll not only be disbarred,

but they'll check my vault box and grab that hundred grand. You don't want to lose that dough, do you? All right, Frazier. It's my rap, and I'll take it. But it's my hundred grand, and I'll take that too. The day that I get out. Look, I know you're a smart lawyer. Very smart.

But don't get smart with me. Ah, yes. Now how do I get out of this? I'll do this till I fall asleep. Best Cagney ever. Two other names that come up in the book, John, two guys that you work with, the great Mel Torme.

I never heard anybody do Mel Torme until I heard you do it. And I love the dog story. I'll make people buy the book to hear the story. Tell us something about Buddy Rich. Buddy Rich was a man's man. I mean, the other guys, I was with the Harry James Band for a month or so and riding around the country in a bus and got to know these guys real well. But Buddy had his own little car that he'd drive, a little Jaguar, a fastback.

And we'd be loping along in the bus. Before big, you know, like 95s and 10s and all that kind of stuff were built. Roads and interstates. And we'd be on these long, boring roads and someone would see this little dot. They'd look out the back window and say, here comes Buddy. And they soon would, they'd get Buddy out of their mouths and he'd be biased like that. He'd be waiting in all the places before we got there. And he was a good egg. He was a good guy. And everybody liked him, as I said.

Legendary temper. Well, he never showed it around us. Yeah. I was happy to know that you were aware of the infamous Buddy Rich tape. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've got it around here someplace. Yeah. You know, a bunch of let your hair grow.

You want to look like your mother's. Do you know the Casey Kasem tape as well? No, no, I don't know that. We're going to send that to you. You're in for a treat, John. Oh, my God. Hysterical. You're in for a treat.

Did you play a talking dolphin in a CBS pilot? I think so. I did a lot of those things, you know? Really, I did a lot of those little cartoons. They pop in and out, and they're still getting residuals. I'm still getting little things from them. That's good. Watching those Ant and Aardvark shorts, they're still great.

Yeah. Yeah, I like doing that. It's so much fun. Hey, Ant, you going to the party? No, So much fun. Hey, you're going to the party? No, I think I'm going to stick around here. What do you mean? You are the party. Gilbert, why don't you tell John what happened with you and Jackie? Mason? Oh, yeah. I remember we were out somewhere, my wife and I, and she went over to Jackie, we saw Jackie Mason and Jackie Mason and she said, oh, I'm Gilbert Gottfried's wife and he said Gilbert Gottfried

that guy loves me he loves me I don't talk about him he loves me yeah yeah he loves me he's a wonderful dude he used to come

I worked in the Tropicana and he'd call me between shows, and he'd say, Hey, John, what are you doing between shows? I said, I'll meet you at the bar. So I'd meet him at the bar, and I'd be talking to him, and all of a sudden he'd say, Hey, do you know her? Do you know this one coming in now? Do you know this one?

How about that? Trying to pick up women. Oh, great. How about this one? Do you know this one? This one. This, great. How about this one? You know this one? This one? This one? You know this one?

Gil, you guys finally buried the hatchet, though, didn't you? Didn't you have dinner with him? Yeah, yeah. We went to some delicatessen. And, yeah, he couldn't be friendlier. There you go. I'm going to keep throwing names at you, John. Any memories of Jackie Vernon? Hi there,

fun seekers. I used to be a dull guy. I'd go to lunch with him over to the delis in New York when we were working the Gary Moore show. He was on that Gary Moore show. Sure, sure. And Pete Barbooty and people like that. Oh, Pete Barbooty, another favorite. Yeah, Lily Tomlin. Yeah.

Anyway, I'd go over to the deli with him, and he was always trying to lose weight. And he'd start out, he'd say, waitress said, come over. What do you have? Well, I think I'll have some cottage cheese cheese maybe put a couple of cherries on it and maybe a little toast with butter hold it and a salami sandwich these are great names when you said jackie mason trying to lose weight i remember jackie vernon jackie vernon yeah yeah yeah what about jackie vernon trying to lose weight i remember hearing the story that jackie vernon used to like to walk around the supermarket. And if he'd see a woman standing there,

he'd like act like he's looking at the groceries and then he'd suck his stomach in and that would make his pants fall down. Okay. I've got one for you. He invites Jackie Vernon, invites everybody over to his apartment for a little dinner. Right. I'm talking about everybody. Pete Barbuti can back me up on this one.

And unbeknownst to us, he's invited us over there because someone has stiffed him with some paintings. And he's got us in the hallway now. He's got us in the hallway looking at the paintings and, you know, how about this one? You know, and that, you know, that, and this and that, and the other thing. So we're all sitting there after dinner, and we're all kind of sitting around talking, and Jackie leaves. Jackie leaves, but we're talking, and we're all having a good time,

and, you know, I'll have some more of that. Yeah, and this and that, you know, just how you do you do that after dinner pushing back at the table and all that and we're thinking where the hell is Jackie Jackie now an hour has gone by an hour has gone by and he he walks in from from the other room in his pajamas. And he goes, I must have dozed off. I think I hurt myself. I love these names. Here's one from the book.

Orson Welles requested you on The Tonight Show. Yeah. I was thrilled. That's a cool thing. Yeah, you bet. Sp spend any time with him oh he kicked it around a little bit after the show but i didn't see him prior and no he came out first he was i caught him i caught him telling johnny i was in the green room you know how you sit in the green room and watch the guy that's on before you

and he's talking he says you know what bothers me, Johnny? He says, when you introduce a comic and they do stick at the curtain before they come over to the couch or out to their mark, you know? And so I logged that in. And I was announced and I came out of the curtain doing a cartwheel. And I walked over to him and shook his hand and said, see? There are some good Carson stories in the book. Pardon? There are some good Carson stories in the book.

Yeah, yeah. You also saw some strange sides of him. I certainly did. We'll let people get the book because it's- Thank you for the teasers. Of course. I'll keep putting them in. There's wonderful stuff in the book. Do you you want to tell gilbert the billy bardy story or do you

want people to buy the book for that it's more it's more of the the chimpanzee story than the billy bardy okay good we used to i used to invited my my room at the hotel we'd all stay at the at the royal York in Toronto. And a big old-fashioned, beautiful hotel. And the queen would be there sometimes. The queen mom would come to visit. And the big red carpet at the staircase leading up to the thing, we'd know she'd be in then. But anyway, he'd come up to my room.

And the first thing, we'd had dinner'd had uh dinner on the coffee table you know and the first thing you do is is go over to the the chair you know you have your one chair and then the sofa i'd sit in the sofa and he'd take the cushion and throw it off the thing and it'd be right at the right size to sit there at the coffee table and eat his dinner he had bays okay we'll make people get the book so they can hear. There's not only a chimp story, there's a monkey story. Yes. Oh yeah, the monkey story. The black and white monkey story is hilarious. I just keep throwing names at you, John, all night, but before we

get you out of here, two people that we lost fairly recently who were friends of yours, the great Glenn Campbell and Burt Reynolds. Can you tell us something about either one of them? Well, Burt was a guy. He really liked to have fun. As you see him on the cars, he really liked to have fun. Sure. And I did the movie Stroker Ace with him.

He plays a race car driver. And I play his, his childhood buddy who comes back into his life later on. And I save his ass. And you want to know something? I'm not on the flyers. I'm not on the credits. I'm not on it. Because he called me, that was a last minute thing a last minute choice he called me

to do the thing because because Lonnie Anderson loves me and he knew that we'd work together so he had me come as a as a kind of a nice thing for Lonnie and so he and he he invited me to ride to different locations with with himself and Lonnie you know so so I'd be there and and they'd be in the back room because they were newly married basically and she I guess would didn't have time to put all her makeup on and so and so I'd sit there by myself I'd talk to the driver and uh and every once in a while he'd come out and tell me a little story about himself and something he says it and he was talking he's talking about he's talking about the greatest little whorehouse, the best little whorehouse in Texas making that pill, which my wife is in, by the way.

Anyway, he says, I went up to Dolly Parton one day and he said, you know, Dolly, if I take my wig off and hug you between your breasts, we'd look like a pawn shop sign. Three balls. That was his way of making me laugh. You know, he was underrated as a comedian, too. Pardon me?

He's underrated as a comedian. When you see movies like The End. Oh, yeah. You know, he really was truly funny. And doing his own stunts after killing himself in these things. Yeah. Even a movie like Hooper. Yeah.

Yeah. Very underrated guy. Tell us one thing about the great Glenn Campbell, who you got to know very well. Well, Glenn used to come over to my house when he'd have a fight with his girlfriend sleep on my couch no but he was i liked him a lot he was a good guy he was i liked his i liked it he was just just the way he is, constantly. We'd hang out in Vegas, and Glenn and Roger Miller and I, and others. And Glenn was like a brother to me. He was really nice. I used to love harmonizing with him.

And that was fun. This is a great era of showbiz, John. You were right in the sweet spot. I'm looking at your IMDb page. Gilbert, we talk about 70s variety shows and 60s variety shows and how that's a lost art. Yes. John was on Craft Music Hall, Sonny and Cher, Captain and Tennille, Tom Jones, Flip Wilson, Mac Davis, Rest in Peace. We had Mac here a few months ago, John.

Bobby Vinton Show, The Jackson 5 Show, The Glen Campbell Good Time Hour, The Peter Marshall Show, Van Dyke and Company. That's just a fraction of them. Great days. Yeah. I could not hold on to a job. I think we did the last interview with Mac Davis, who was here with us a few months ago. God bless him. And a sweet soul.

Yeah, indeed. And a great songwriter and a few months ago. Oh, yeah. God bless him. And a sweet soul. Yeah, indeed. And a great songwriter and a great singer and all that good stuff. There are also Elvis stories in the book. Yeah. So we won't tell any of them, but they're really worth reading. Yeah. So many names, so many memories. The kid from Rockville Center got to grow up and work with every legend. And it's amazing that Bing Crosby was the guy that you saw on the

screen, on the big screen when you were a little kid and the first impression you ever did. And you grow up to work with the guy. Worked with him many times. Hollywood Palace and a big special up there. Where was it? Sun Valley. Yeah, Sun Valley with his wife.

It was great. He had this two boys were running around sometimes on the stage doing what little kids do. Married to Kathy Grant, lovely girl, woman. What he'd do in between, there were breaks and the stuff. People would say, do you want to hold Bing? Bing, do you want to hold on? Yeah, he'd stand there and he'd go, Kathy, get the boys.

That's all he'd say. Get the boys, Kathy. It is kind of surreal, John, that you read the book and you're a kid watching the Colgate Comedy Hour and watching these people on television. And then I meet them. And you meet them and you become a peer. Yeah. It's wild. It is wild, yeah.

And I often wish that my parents could have seen me with some of the people they loved. Well, at least my mother saw it. My father died when he was 46. He didn't get to see anybody. I'm sorry. Yeah, me too. But anyway. What about Durante?

Oh, yeah. I worked with him. I worked at Lennon Sisters. Lennon Sisters. Yep, yep. So here's the deal. it was when the girl's father had been bumped off by some idiot in a golf course. Remember that?

Yeah, that's a tragic tale. So now they've got guards all around the studio. They've got guards every place. One of the guys had a crush on Peggy. And so Jimmy was a regular on the show, you know. And so Jimmy was a regular on the show, you know. So he says, hey. He opens his dressing room door. I'm walking by.

He says, come on and watch the football game with me. So I go in there. And we're sitting there and we're talking football. And there's a knock on the door and the guy says, come in. He says, come in. He says, come in. He says, and the guy says, oh, oh, oh, Jimmy, I got some pictures that I took of you back in the blah, blah, blah. He shows him all these pictures.

He figures out blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, I'll take this one and I like that one. And he says, that's all we need. You know, and he gives him envelope back, and he walks out and closes the door, and Jimmy turns to me and he says, how'd he get into the jurt? Oh, God. John, it's been a ride, huh? Oh, it's over? Well, it's been a ride, huh? Oh, it's over. Wow.

It's only three hours. I meant your career. You have a lot of gratitude, too, in the book for the things that happened to you. Yeah, sure enough. It's refreshing to read. The book is Five Minutes, Mr. Biner, A Lifetime of Laughter, forward by Nathan Lane. Jam-packed with stories. Like I told you, we're going to put the word out on social media.

Nice. It is a page-turner, as they say. Yes. You decided to finally sit down and write a memoir. Yeah, I've been telling these stories to people. They'd be riding a plane or something. Did you ever work with them? I'd tell a story.

And they'd say, well, why not, you know, put these things together and got in touch with my friend, Doug Wellman, who used to produce a show I did called comedy on the road. Remember that show too. Yeah. Yeah.

I had every comedian in the world on it, except for Gil. Of course he was too busy all the time. Yeah. Flying to Paris and what have you. I noticed there's no Gilbert Gottfried anecdote in the book. No. No, right.

I don't talk about all my friends. I'm going to make you guys do one more thing before we get out of here. We did it last time. A little bit of Rainy Days and Mondays. If you each take a little part, we're going to do a little tribute to our pal Paul Williams. Well, I just want to say one thing first. We've only just begun.

We've. Okay. Okay. Do you know that when Paul Williams is on the show, I imitate him, and he says that the two people who do the best imitations of him are you and me. Of course. That's nice. See, we have that in common.

Give John a little Rainy Days and Mondays, Gil. Rainy Days and Mondays always get me doing. Peter Marshall used to say, go ahead. You're going on? Go ahead. Talking to myself and feeling low. Sometimes I like to quit. Nothing ever seems to fit.

Jump in there, John. Go ahead. Sometimes we'd be on the Hollywood squares at the same time. And Peter Marshall, you know, he knew I did Paul Williams. And he'd throw me a line, something about Paul Williams. And I'd just make up a song. And I'd come home and I'd sit in the door. Come home and I'd take my shoes off and I go to the fireplace.

And Paul would always say something like, well, you ought to sing one of my songs so I get some credit for it. He's a wonderful guy. Paul is great. We got to have him back, Gil. We got to have him back. John, you've done everything, worked with everybody. Our listeners will love this.

We're so thrilled we got to talk to you, not once, but twice. And we'll get the word out about the book and give our best to Sandra. Oh, thank you very much. We certainly will. She's been very nice about the podcast, very supportive. Yeah, she's a good kid. Yeah. We appreciate that.

She always runs into johnny mathis at the supermarket she does and she says she'll say she'll say my father's on the phone because she'll call me she said johnny's here i thought yeah i don't want to say leave him alone but you know she's so he's last time she's johnny's here and And she puts him on the phone. He says, no, we're not getting married. We'd love to have Johnny here on this show. We wonder if he's a good guy. I wonder if he'd do it. Would Barbooty do it with us?

Barbooty? Yeah. Yeah. Pete. Oh, yeah. He can tell you some stories. All right. We'll call these people.

We'd love to have them. Please do. We'd love to have them. Yeah. All right. Gil, you can rap if you want. Oh, yeah. What do you think? I could keep this man for hours. Yeah, you're one of those guests that all you've got to do

to prepare is make sure the mic is on. And let him go. Yes, exactly. And we'll direct people to your website too, John, because there's some great photos of you there with some of these legends. Well, thank you for mentioning that too. Yeah, johnbeiner.com.

I appreciate the plugs and the fun, and you guys are always a pleasure to talk to. Oh, you've been a pleasure. You've given us so much pleasure over the decades. And it was nice meeting Dara, a very pretty lady. Oh, I'll tell her. And tell her this. We've only just begun to give white lace and promises.

I'm going to send this to Paul. Get the book, everybody. It's terrific. A kiss for luck and we're on our way home. Mr. Paul. Get the book, everybody. It's terrific. A kiss for luck and we're on the wheel. Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side? A wheel.

God bless you guys. God bless you, John. You're a gift. Be safe. Be safe and happy thanks pal he's gonna sign off well this has been gilbert godfrey's amazing colossal podcast with my co-host frank santo padre and we uh we were lucky enough to get a return visit from one of our favorites, John Viner. Who wanted ice cream? John, have you seen the Bob Hope Jack Frost video? No. Okay, we're going to send you that too. You owe it to yourself. It's a

horror show. It's on its way, John. We don't talk about the deceased. We don't talk about the deceased. We don't talk about it. Don't make fun of the dead, as my mother used to say. Thanks, as always, to Gino Salamone for helping book John. This has been a treat, as always. Thanks, John.

Take care, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Take one fresh end to the kid. guys. Thank you. On mine, two sips of wine Memories all made of this Now you take a break, I'm going to the bridge Then come the wedding bells One house where lovers dwell Three little kids for the flame of

Stirred carefully through the days Little cares for the flame of heart Stirred carefully through the days See how the flame of faith These are the dreams you will save Get ready now With His blessing from above Stir the generous Leaping love One man

One wife One love Through life Memories All may live Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you kindly. Memories of Maryland