Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mario Cantone

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

It's Christmas in May as the multi-talented Mario Cantone joins the boys for a special quarantine episode and a wildly entertaining conversation about teen idols, classic game shows, favorite Hitchcock flicks, the versatility of Jack Lemmon and the difference between impressionists and comedian-impressionists. Also, "Mildred Pierce" turns 75, Julia Child fillets the Little Mermaid, Mario hops a flight with Kathleen Turner and Gilbert guest-stars in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." PLUS: "Burnt Offerings"! In praise of Alec Baldwin! The musical stylings of Jerry Dixon! The Ramones visit "Steampipe Alley"! And "Aladdin Meets the Harlem Globetrotters"!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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with 24 layers of croissant flakiness twisted with fancy donut fun. Get ready to go all out for less. Well, it's Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. Ah, he's back! Arguably the most popular and beloved guest on this podcast. Back for a record-breaking seventh appearance on the show, this time our special quarantine episode. Yes. You know him from popular programs like Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Really?

That was in 1872. Get an updated bio. What the fuck is wrong with you? It moves up. It moves up. Oh, it moves up? What? It moves up in years?

Comedy Central Roast of Dennis Leary. Yeah, that was in 1742. A Chappelle Show. Yeah, well, that was in 1742. Men in Trees. Sex inappelle show. Yeah, well, that was... Men in Trees. Sex in the City. Mom. Oh, Mom.

Mom. Oh, yeah, I was just on Mom. That's current. Updated. It was the legendary and much beloved children's show Steampipe Alley. Which I'm very proud Alley as well as from the hit Broadway

and all Broadway shows including Tony nominated one man show Laugh All please welcome to our show our very own Paul Lynn

one who doesn't hate the Jews our very own Paul Lynn. Oh, yeah, I like that. One who doesn't hate the Jews. Did Paul Lynn hate the Jews? How do you say that? Do you really? Wow. But happy Hanukkah. One of the most versatile and talented performers on the planet

and other planet fresh from his recent tour performers on the planet and other planet fresh from his recent tour of his adopted city of Seattle, Washington. Brutal. Adopted? I'd like to put it up for

adoption is what I'd like to do. Take my child, please. It's Seattle. Oh, that fucking place. Don't get me started. I don't care if they hate me either. It's in Seattle. That fucking place. Don't get me started. I don't care if they hate me either. I don't care.

I really don't. I know it's a whole city and there's plenty of lovely people there, but you know what? Keep your ice cream and your donuts and your fucking dog. Did he say your name? I don't know. Aggressive people in the streets. Did he say who it was?

So, the funny, the fabulous, the fucking fabulous. Oh! That's not what I wrote. I love when you call me that. What I wrote was the irresistible

Marilyn. Oh, yeah, well, he can call me a fucking faggot. He can get away with it because he's a big fat fucking Jew ass. See, I think we need to flood each other with these words. So we can just get used to it and get it over with. It's a psychological term. And you said in your intro that I was versatile. How the fuck do you know?

I could just be a top. I could just be a bottom. Maybe I am versatile. Maybe I will fist fuck know? I could just be a top. I could just be a bottom. Maybe I am versatile. Maybe I will fist fuck you later on that fucking stool behind you. The irresistible. I'm grabbing my balls right now. No one can see because I'm like tortured.

Me too. Mario Cantone. Oh, thank you, Gilbert. I'm so glad we're doing this together. I'm like, torture. Me too. Mario Cantone. Oh, thank you, Gilbert. I'm so glad we're doing this together. I'm really excited. Our quarantinis. Is it Christmas already? No, I like not doing a Christmas episode for once.

But you know, even though when it is Christmas, we drop them on anything. You could be the poster child on a magazine called Quarantine Beat. That's right. Me and David Cassidy, may he rest in peace. I had his pictures all over my wall. David Cassidy.

My mother used to go, what is he doing all over the walls? He's as queer as a $3 bill. And I'm like, he's not queer, Ma. I'm the queer one. He's got a huge cock and he fucks a lot of pussy. I know this about David Cassidy. Gilbert, what did Danny Bonaduce tell us about David Cassidy when we had him on?

Well, one thing he told us, and, well, I remember I had heard it before, and I asked Danny, what I heard is, you know, he had a gate. I'm like a big fence around his cock. His property. And he, you know,

when he'd come out in the morning, he'd walk out and there'd be screams like thousands of girls surrounding the house. And he'd go up to the gate, unzip, and stick his dick through the gate, and they would jump on it like rabid dogs.

They would jump on it through a gate? That is a little difficult. Their mouths would... So that was his version of a glory hole. Yes. According to Danny Bonaduce according to danny bonaduce according to danny and and is there a more reliable source yes maybe leaf garrett maybe yes maybe jan michael vincent maybe god poor jan michael oh he was the most beautiful i had his picture right next to my bed and a tie-dye muscle t-shirt and your mother was wondering why you had your walls plastered

with all these tiger beat center oh yeah oh she was like what is going i didn't care i didn't care i'm like i'm sorry ma you're miserable anyway you think my homosexuality is going to make you even more depressed i don't think so Go take your lithium and be quiet. What about Bobby Sherman, David Soule? Yeah, you know, Bobby Sherman didn't do it for me. Jack Wilde. Remember him? I had an autographed picture of him that said,

to Mario, from your friend Jack Wilde. I was obsessed with H.R. Puff and stuff. Wow. Obsessed. Which they only did 17 episodes of H.R. Puff and Stuff. Wow. Obsessed. Which they only did 17 episodes of H.R. Puff and Stuff. You know that. And then they did the movie, which came out in 1970. 50 years old, that movie.

I know. Well, we're going to do a special song for them later. We're going to talk about that. That's fantastic. Did you hear our episode with Sid and Marty, by the way? No, I didn't. And I know Marty. I met him in London duringon during the north ridge earthquake

in 1994 was it um we we were at a hotel together and we were in the courtyard and he introduced himself and i was like what he's like i was like you're you're you're you're marty croft he was like yeah i was like what and we we he took me around london me and jerry he took jerry and i around london i was like i kept saying i went to harrods and i was like i want to see big ben i want to see big ben so we're in traffic and he goes get out and i get out and he goes see it that's big ben get back in let's go and that was how i saw big ben they're characters right gil oh they're like the sunshine boys they really are i know they are sunshine brothers know, they are. The Sunshine Brothers.

Well, Sid, I don't know, but I've seen him do a lot. He's been doing a lot of Instagram videos, I think. Hasn't he been? He's like, in 1960, Judy Garland discovered us, and we opened for her. She was the greatest entertainment. Doesn't he talk like that? I saw him on the extras of the HR Puppets of DVD and I was like, okay,

he needs to pick up the pace. He's like as slow as Mary Steenburgen. He talks that way and his brother's like, yeah, what do you want? Yeah, his brother's tough. what do you want yeah his brother's tough at all yeah marty's tougher right yeah oh yes sid's a little like jiminy glick and marty's like

de niro and the irishman they're very different what was your opinion of Ricky Martin? Me? Yeah. First of all, he was on Steampipe Alley. Minuto was on Steampipe Alley. Why? They were on Steampipe. We had new kids on the block. We had everybody on Steampipe Alley.

But he was on – Minuto was on Steampipe Alley. It was, of course, before they grew hair under their armpits and they were thrown to the wolves um because they weren't kids anymore you know once they checked the pubes and they saw it grow and they were like you're fired from the group and they were but um the they were on they were very nice boys i think their names were sergio sergio sergio sergio and ricky and um ricky martin i remember looking at him and I was like, what a beautiful little boy. And I, and his smile was gorgeous. And I looked at him, I said,

this boy's going to be gay. Cause I could see it in the eyes and in the smile, you know, I had, I have gayed out even when they're kids. I'm like, he's gay. But I met him. I met him once, I think at an event, he was very nice. And when when i i'll tell you the when he came out of the closet which was what 10 years ago maybe something like that okay that was like elvis coming out of the closet it was a big deal it was i hate the word brave but it really was he lost and he'll tell you he lost more than half of this audience. Now it's back because people are kind of okay with it more now. And you get a lot of gay people like, well, like we didn't know. It's like, you know what?

His Catholic Puerto Rican audience didn't know. So guess what? He lost a lot of them. Way back when, when Elton John came out and rolling stone is bisexual and lost 10 lost they did but you know it's a big deal at the time it's different when they're british it's a little different because everyone thinks every brit is a homosexual they talk like teddy thomas you know so they don't but they they i think him coming out was a big deal and i thought it was good for him i thought this is incredible he's a great entertainer i love him i think he's a wonderful guy how are you able to see in a little boy who's

gonna become gay i knew i knew when i looked at him because i was well i was you know how old was i then i was um i was 28 29 and i just you know i i you know you you see it because you look at yourself as a child and you know everyone knew i was gay as a kid because you know, you see it because you look at yourself as a child and, you know, everyone knew I was gay as a kid because, you know, if they didn't, they were idiots. And, you know, like I said, I had Jan Michael Vincent on my wall and I knew every word to every lyric

of Judy Garland's Carnegie Hall double album set. Two years old. So did me and Gilbert. Yeah, well, we we know you two facts but um so uh i i yeah i i i just knew like you can tell you can just feel it because you're you know as a because it's a specific thing and it's quote at the time it wasn't quote the norm and we had this secret power inside of us almost. And it was like I could detect like, oh, you can't always detect it.

But he had glistening eyes and a very beautiful gay smile. I knew he was going to be. Gil, you never worked with Ricky Martin or any of those boy bands? No. Yeah. You worked with the Beach Boys. Yeah. I did work with the Beach Boys.

Like when they were all alive because well i brian was his name was uh the drummer no the the brian wasn't there yeah he wasn't there he was probably in the rest of them a nut house or something who's the one that passed away young carl carl well dennis drowned dennis yeah that's the one he was away young? Carl. Carl? Well, Dennis drowned. Dennis. Yeah, that's the one. He was beautiful. And Carl passed away from cancer.

Yeah. The Beach Boys sang the theme song to Problem Child. That's right. With Stamos on the drums. Yes. Yes. That was after Dennis passed away. They used Stamos on the drums.

That's right. Who wants to grow up? Who wants responsibility? Oh, no, not me. Well, thank God you didn't sing the song. The last time we saw you was at maybe the last public event in New York City that anyone ever held. It was right before the shit hit the air conditioner. Yeah, it sure did.

Yeah. At our sixth anniversary show at The Cutting Room. It was a great night. It was a good night. It was. It was thrilling. Yeah. And you and Gil did your duet.

You brought back Betty and Tony Curtis. Yeah. And who the hell expected Ben Vereen to walk in? Ben Vereen walked in. And I got to say from the stage that my first Broadway show I ever saw was Pippin when I was 13 years old. Wasn't that wild? Yeah. Him just showing up like that?

Yep. And Alan Zweibel paid you a lovely compliment. Wow. After that show. I love him. Which I'm going to repeat. He said, you know, Marty Short is talented and can do a lot of things and is a mimic and he sings. He said, but that mario canton

takes a backseat to no one so there you go he that's you know from someone like him who has seen all of everyone all of it yeah he's written for the best he's one of the great comedy writers of all time it that's really i love him to death well thank you frank don't make me cry i'm in quarantine i get very moved i'm my resistance is low i'm in quarantine so how are you doing by the way we should ask how are you guys holding up? You and Jerry? Jerry and I are doing, we get, well, it's no surprise that we get along pretty frigging well, I got to say. You know, he came back from Seattle.

He was directing his show there. And he came back on the 13th and he's here now. He was like, I'm coming home. He's like, I'm packing my shit because that's what my husband does. He comes home to his woman. Can't help loving my man or mine. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly. Anyway, yeah.

He's here. We've been cooking everything. We have our cocktails at seven. Yes. We're doing this and we're doing this. And I don't work when I drink. After this, I'll get fucking wasted. And I have a tequila cocktail.

He has a gin cocktail. We've been like budding nixologists. And then we cook every night. And we should say, Gil, too, and because this is our special coronavirus or our special quarantine episode, that we thought we would do something nice and say to the fans who are listening to this show, if you're enjoying this show, if you're entertained by us, please make a donation. Please do. Yeah. And Mario, where would you like them? Well, I have, you know, you can either go to the Actors Fund or Broadway Cares, Equity Fights AIDS. Those are two great...

Deserving causes. Deserving causes that take care of my people, the Broadway people. So, yeah. And, you know, people are going to need it because you're not going to see a Broadway show for a long, long time and a long time. We're not going anywhere until there's a vaccine. It's the truth.

And Gilbert, you and Dara raised some money and, and, and made a donation to a worthy cause too. You want to mention it? Oh, it's a, that's mid share.

See, if you go online and buy, there are these face masks with my face on it. No way. Yeah. He made them. Yeah. Face masks with my face on it. And they're rewashable and everything.

So you can reuse them. And the money from those go to MedShare. And they help get supplies for hospitals med share med share gil yes okay see now so we hope our listeners so yeah you buy a mask what it's on the web on my on g Gilbert Gottfried.com. You know, you buy a mask there and that money goes to my chair. I want a mask with my face on it. Not yours. Or one with Jack Wild's face on it.

Oh yes. Consider yourself at home. Do you get positive feedback on social media when you do this show, Mario? You get a lot of attention? Oh, yeah. I get a lot of it. Especially Twitter and Instagram. I get a lot. And I'm not so great at the social media stuff, but I don't know when this is going to air.

Probably in a week or two. I just posted today this new thing called the Mooch in Exile. Tell us. So it's Scaramucci in quarantine. And it's very funny. It was written by my friend Adriana Trigiani. And it's Jerry filmed it. And, you know, I don't do a lot of that. I don't do a lot of homemade videos and post stuff. The only time I do it, I do this. I did Wendy Williams a few weeks ago. stuff the only time i do it i do this i did wendy williams a few weeks ago that's it i i have no motivation i'm dead inside okay and you turn down reality show offers don't be you hate them as much

as i do which is refreshing i won't do them i you i you you will see me sucking cock through a glory hole for money before you'll see me, well, do a reality show. Don't say I've already done that because I've never had. I knew that was coming. I never have. That's the truth. Now, are you still in shock that both Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell are lesbians?

Am I in shock? Yes. Yes, because they both took my huge hard cock at one time. And it's probably the thing that made them lesbians because it was so large. They're just like, I can't do this anymore. These charities are going to want to be associated with this. Oh, charities are going to love us. No, I've known Rosie for so long and I love her dearly.

And I, you know, she was, you know, she was, she was a lesbian way back. She's someone that came up very early. I mean, not publicly, but you know, she did what she did it when she, everyone does it in their own time. Ellen, I don't know. I've never met her. I don't know her at all. Gilbert, when are you coming out? Yeah, Gilbert. When are you coming out? But you know, the two of them i remember when they came out i thought well nobody knew how could that well you know i i think well look i don't

i think a lot of people didn't know at first people don't want to know oh yeah people didn't want to know especially like we're talking about ricky martin people some people knew but there are people that just don't want to know and then when you say it they're like oh so they have to make a choice are we going to stay with the faggot or are we going to go and you know back then they a lot of them left now people have come around and it's a it's a little better it's easier it's funny gilbert and i talk about old character actors. When you look back at people like Edward Everett Horton, we've talked about this a lot, Gil, and Porter Hall. Charles Nelson Reilly.

What's that? Charles Nelson Reilly. Yeah, Billy DeWolf. Billy DeWolf. And all of these guys that were, you know, at the time, it was maybe obvious to some. But in those days, I mean, I watched a Jack Lemmon movie called Under the Yum Yum Tree. And Paul Lynde is playing the caretaker of these garden apartments.

And he's seething with jealousy because Jack Lemmon is a womanizer. And audiences bought it. Well, what about, I think it was Son of Flubber. He plays a sportscaster. There you go. I mean. I gave him a sitcom where he had a family, Paul Lind. That's on television every Saturday night on audience TV or something like that.

People bought it. People accepted it. What I noticed is like, if someone was outwardly gay they were either eccentric or evil yeah oh yeah a lot of villains a lot of villains well it still exists even look okay i mean people talk about the lion king i know jeremy irons wasn't gay and he did do the voice of scar but Scar was a very gay villain like all these villains if you look at um look at um go back I go to the Disney stuff like in Robin Hood one with the animals Peter Ustinov played Prince John it was so gay and and and who

was it um Terry Thomas that played um Sir Hiss the snake. They were like two, you know, and one was a snake and one was a lion. So the snake probably, you know, fuck Prince John up the ass with his head. I don't know, but you know that they were gay. Do you have a short version of the story of why you turned down being in the Lion King on Broadway? I just, I did the workshop originally. And I just, I know me, you know, Broadway show you're doing eight times a week and there's nothing more i love to do and i just did a new musical that when broadway opens up i believe it's going to come in it did really well it's called bliss i played the villain you go okay it's a magnificent role you know me i don't go out of town for anything i don't out of town try to musical i've done it twice in my life.

Once for Kander and Ebb and this one, which was directed by Cheryl Caller and written by Tyler Beattie and Emma Lively. Great writers. It's a great musical. And I went there for a month and it was in Seattle and my husband was there. So that was almost like a perfect storm. Until, you know, you realize you're in Seattle.

But so I just knew you're doing eight shows a week if you do this thing. I just wasn't going to strap a puppet on my ass and paint my face green and walk around singing Hakuna Matata. You know, I'm not doing, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And Max Casella, who's my buddy, who did it the poor kid his back was all

fucked up after that year really oh the hyenas the hyenas are like all hunched over in that costume their backs are fucked they were they had masseuses you know the giraffes are on stilts. If they fall, they've got to be dragged off by the stilts while they're laying down. And, you know, the stage manager's like, well, jump with the paper mache,

you're going to rip it. You know, I mean, they're freaking out. It's all costumes and I don't like, I don't like props. I get it. It's like I did an episode

of AJ and the Queen on Netflix with RuPaul and I and it was the first time I ever did like full drag I do a lot of women but I don't like doing drag I don't like the makeup and the wig and the tits it's all props to me and it's not just about doing drag it's about it's extra stuff sure I don't even go on stage with a cigarette you know or or if I'm doing a streamline I don't i just want to do it the way i learned that from the leech hominid you go on with your pants and your your your shirt and you do it whatever you're doing i i mean i did that i did aj and the queen and it was torture being in drag i have to give it to the drag queens it's amazing they that they how brilliant they are

at the artistry of making themselves up and way they look and they they do it and they love it i find it just horrifying and so the thought of something like a broadway musical is grueling uh under the best circumstances yes and you thought if you had if you had to add props and costumes and prosthetics and you're also being a puppeteer you're puppeting you're a puppet make gil you sang famously in aladdin do you think yeah that motherfucker got to sit stand at a mic i know piece of shit that asshole gilbert garfield and do an iconic character i did that for three years and the movie fell apart that's my fucking luck in this

i did i had i had an incredible role in a dis movie. It fell apart. Three years I was doing it. Oh, wow. Yeah, three years. Not Aladdin. No, it wasn't Aladdin. Aladdin. Shut your face. And then I came back for Return of Jafar. Yes.

And then The Prince of Thieves and even a series of Aladdin. And Aladdin goes Hawaiian. He's in every version. Aladdin goes Hawaiian. He's in every version of Aladdin. Aladdin meets the Keystone

Cops. The Wolfman. Oh, fuck. The basketball players. The Harlem Globetrotters. Aladdin meets the Harlem Globetrotters. Oh, fuck. The basketball players. The Harlem Globetrotters. Yeah. Aladdin meets the Harlem Globetrotters. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM,

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Find us at DignityMemorial.ca. Here's something I want to... What were you going to say? No, go ahead. Here's something that I noticed. No, go ahead. Here's something that I noticed. There are celebrities who the whole public knows are gay or suspects very strongly is gay.

But as long as they themselves don't say it, it's perfectly acceptable to be a romantic lead. Absolutely. And there is not one openly gay movie star leading man not one not that's american no and no that's it there isn't and i and that's people go it's getting better no it isn't not in that when that happens then i'll be like okay it's getting a little better you know there's still only it's discouraging yeah it's and they believe and look at look you're guilt you remember when i was doing the improv and catch a rising star you know i was

a gay comedian fucking in mainstream comedy rooms in the 90s in the early 90s i mean it's and i was always afraid that you know and it happened a few times when i was doing catch a rising star in princeton at the fucking hyatt where you get a fucking guy in the back of the room calling you a faggot and then they don't do anything about it yeah and they they banned me from that room because the hotel, the girl at the hotel desk was a time they weren't giving us rooms. And her name was Sarah. And she was very rude. So on stage, I called her Sarah Plain and Tall. And they had a corporate meeting about the fact that I called her Sarah Plain and Tall.

And someone in the audience was like, I dealt with her too. And she wasn't very nice. I'm like, no, she was not. She is Sarah Plain and Tall and Rude and Tall and Rude and tall. And someone in the audience was like, I dealt with her too. And she wasn't very nice. I'm like, no, she was not. She is Sarah, plain and tall and rude and tall and rude and mean. She was horrible. Yeah. You know, our listeners obviously know a lot about Gilbert's early standup days. And it's been said on this show many times that he started early when he was 15.

As well as I know you all these years, I don't know your beginnings as a standup. When did you first go up? Well, I- Was it in Boston? Was Well, I was, it was it in Boston. Was it local? Yeah, it was local in Boston. I was with Lauren Dombrowski. May she rest in peace. She was an executive producer of a mad TV. Uh, but we, we were in college together and we were a team and then we split up and I did some solo stuff there. And my first professional stuff was in Provincetown. I was 19 years old, 19 year room and the post office cabaret. Um, and, but, but I really, you know, when I went to LA,

I tried out for the comedy store. I didn't get in. And then I came to New York in 80, 82, 83, and it was 83. And I auditioned for silver Friedman at the Improv in 1984, and I got in. And I prayed that I wouldn't get it. I prayed. You had to go pick a number. I prayed that I wouldn't get a number. Prayed. And I got a number, and I got in. Wow.

And I was terrified. The first year and a half, I was killing it. I was 23, 24. I was terrified. I was terrified doing it. But the first year and a half, I was 23, 24. I was terrified. I was terrified doing it. But the first year and a half, I was like killing all the time. And then this year set in that just, it was not good.

Impressions in the act early was that was, because Gilbert's early act, Gilbert, your act was centered around impressions. Yeah, mine wasn't that far from, and if your waiter was James Cagney, it might go. Because they used to have out now. Now Vegas

has impressionists, but TV used to be filled without that, you know, Frank Gorshin, Rich Little, Marilyn Michaels. Yeah. Copycats was a great show fred travolina i think i think the best impressionist and i say this about you gilbert too and i feel like i i do this if you when you do the impression you have to have a point of view

you know this it's got to come from a a particular point of view and it's almost like a caricaturist you highlight those certain things that make it funny there are certain people there are certain impressionists that i feel like are so accurate and brilliant but it's not funny interesting yes you've got to you've got to have your own thing that's the difference between a comedian doing impressions and an impressionist doing impressions. Yeah, true. It's kind of like watching a musician who you say, well, he sure knows how to play that instrument. Yeah.

Yeah. Or what instrument? The one between your legs you've been playing? You've done the show enough to know we jump around like crazy we're gonna do a little music for you guys on this special quarantine episode but i also have questions from listeners and i'm gonna throw one out now because it's timely larry schultz this one's for you mario you are you familiar with the game fuck marry or kill yes he wants to know fuck marry or kill charles nelson r, Rip Taylor, or Paul Lynde.

Okay, first of all, those are three not attractive. Can I have one fucking attractive person? Okay, what are the three again? Rip Taylor, Paul Lynde, and Charles Nelson Reilly. I can't kill any of them. I know. I know. The Nazis already did that to the homosexuals.

Fuck marry or kill. I mean, I love Rip Taylor. I'd probably marry him. Did you know Rip Taylor? I did. I met him at a Duane Reade and he went like this. He was all excited. And I was like, are you kidding me?

Funny man. He was a wonderful guy. Charles Nelson Reilly, I couldn't kill him. I guess I'd fuck Paul in and I'd fuck. excited and i was like are you kidding me funny man he was a wonderful guy uh charles nelson riley i couldn't kill him i guess i i'd fuck paul in and i'd fuck no i wouldn't i could this one's from shawnee constant and then we'll move on which vincent price role this is for you as well gill would you most like to fill in a reboot and if it's not the abominable dr fives why not are you familiar with that series oh yeah i i know of it but i didn't i don't i don't know his films as much what am i gonna say the oh i'll take the raven i don't know

what the fuck the whales of august the whales of that movie? The Wales with Betty Davis. Betty. Sarah, where is everybody going, Sarah? Cut my hair, Sarah. Please cut my hair. I erred. I should have printed out some dialogue from The Wales of August between Benny Davis and Gilbert could have done Vincent Price. Oh, that's a great idea. Oh, wow.

Well, next time. But you do have some papers in front of you. I do. Do you want to try this bit that we. Which one? It's just a straight movie dialogue read, but I think it'd be fun to hear you guys do it. Okay. It's the scene that I sent over from A Star is Born. Oh my, all right.

Gil, do you have it? Uh, yes. I would love to hear you two. This was actually Mario's idea. Well, I just watched this and I was like, we've got to do it because no one does it better, James Mason than Gilbert. Oh, thank you.

It's true. So this is about a minute and a half. This is a scene early in the movie. Okay. Oh, yeah. All right, ready? You got it, Gil? You ready, Gil?

Yes. So this is right after she sang The Man That Got Away. Correct. So if you go listen to The Man That Got Away when I sang it on the anniversary show, then you can hear the scene. It'll all come together.

But tonight, I'm not singing The Man That Got Away. All right. Hello, Mr. Main. You turn up in the strangest places. Don't I, though? And you're cold sober.

Well, you'd better make the most of it. Sit down for a moment. Do you always sing like that? Like what? The way you sang just now. I've never heard anybody sing just the way you do. What do you mean? Good or bad? You ever go fishing? Mm-mm. Well, do you like prize fights? Ever watched a great fighter?

I'm trying to tell you how you sing. Do you mean like a prize fighter or a fish? Look, there are certain pleasures that you get, and there are certain pleasures you get, little jabs of pleasure, when a swordfish takes the hook, or when you watch a great fighter getting ready for the kill. See, you don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?

No, not yet. Why don't you try bullfighting? You're joking. But that's exactly what I mean. You'd know a great bullfighter the moment he stepped into the ring, from the way he stood, from the way he moved, or like a dancer, you'd have to know about ballet. That little bell rings in your head, and then that jolt of pleasure. It's what happened to me just now. You're a great singer.

Who, me? Hasn't anyone told you that before? No, Mr. Maine. No one's ever told me that before. Maybe you're not quite so sober as you both thought you were, but thank you. quite so sober as you both thought you were, but thank you. I'm afraid I'm no good at talking about myself, Mr. Main. Everything just runs together. Runs together? How?

All over the place. Washing up my gloves in crummy hotel rooms and winning a contest on the radio and singing in joints. I can remember my first job singing with a band. And then one night stands clear across country. And then one night stands clear across country by bus, putting on nail polish in ladies' rooms and gas stations, waiting on tables. Wow, that was a low point. I'll never forget

it, and I'll never do that again, no matter what. But I had to sing. I somehow feel most alive when I'm singing. It's like, you don't want to hear this now, do you?

Do you mind? Mind? No, I'm having a wonderful time. Is there anything more I should know about your fascinating life? There must be more. Oh, there is. There's a whole scrapbook full. And scene! That was dramatic.

One thing didn't make sense to me when I was reading that. Can we get you guys to tour? I think we'd be great together. And then one night stands clear across... Oh, I think that was a misprint. I'm sorry, that was my fault. That was your fault. I transcribed it from the movie you're terrible what don't you what one of your visits

to the show uh we were coming up with an idea for a tv show called the faggot and the jew well let's go i think it's time i think after this quarantine they're gonna want anything they say it's a good time to pitch a show gill first of all it's it's just another version of the odd couple it's probably the real version of the odd couple this is the i i mentioned on the live anniversary show this is the 100th year of tony randall's birth the centenary is that the word it is it really yes a hundred years and mathau a hundred years wow well we're old oh that is and and we talked about this uh frank and i that both there's no one living from either the movie or the tv show, The Odd Couple. That's true. Well, a minor player from the series would be Eleanor Donahue, who played Miriam, Felix's girlfriend.

And she's with us. But she's only in a handful of episodes. The key actors are all gone. Yeah, the whole player. One of the Pigeon Sisters is alive. Ah. Yeah. Well, you know.

I could see you guys doing The Odd Couple together. I could see you guys doing the the together i could see you doing the sunshine boys too i yeah well i'm not that old yet so go fuck yourself i was watching that recently going am i old enough to do that yet no i'm not i'm still a pretty young homosexual that is in denial of his age well math how would they age they aged Mathow after Jack Benny fell out. They did. They did. Do you and Jerry want to favor us? Yeah.

Hey, well, since we were doing a little garland, I think we should do the puff and stuff thing at the end because that's a little more dramatic. Yeah, we'll close on that. Let's do, since we were doing Judy, I'd like to sing this song for you that was written by my husband. And wait, he's setting up the microphone. The fabulous Jerry Dixon. You know, the this Corona 19, which is was a dance.

Corona 19. Hop, hop, hop. You counted 19 times. Kind of like the bunny hop, but not actually. But the coronavirus, I have to tell you, I was informed by some very close doctor, some scientists that I know, that it came from the bat, you know, the bat, the flying bat, that it came from the bat, you know, the bat, the flying bat, you know, that's true, you know, and it came from a bat. I think that's very, I felt, I feel bad for the bat. You know, when I was in Italy, I used to sit on the hill and watch the bats come out of their cave every night at dusk or dawn or whatever time when the sun goes down. And I would say to

my friend, what is the Italian word for bat? And she said it was pipistrello, which means it looks like a rake that pees. So, you know, rakes without without handles so that's why it was a pipistrello that's what it's called pipistrello it's a rake that pees it's a good thing that it wasn't called a poopoo shovel because then it would just dig your grave and take a big shit on you but um let's sing this i fell in love with the bat so i'd like to sing this ode to the Italian bat. The theme, the ode to the Pipistrello. Do you want to hear it? Yes, very much so.

All right, let's go. Let's hit it. I wandered the world over I've seen the greatest sights. I left my house on every coast, from Frisco Bay to Wuthering Heights. But who would ever dream my romantic destinies? Destiny is a hole within a mountainside in good old Tuscany. Peepy straddle, come for me. Fly me to your dark and cozy cave.

And let's hang upside down and make that screeching sound it's music to my ears I'm your nocturnal slave be the straddle fly me high high above where I can chill

and then when we return you'll gently let me go Your droppings on the floor Will surely break my fall Baby straddle Baby straddle I need your blinded beady eyes

To search inside my soul I need for you to take me In your dark and humid hole. I need your big emphasizes to rest upon my neck. I need to feel your fruity breath that Not a rodent, not the same When cattle wind up dead, it's the way But when you love him, be strong He is the man Beep, beep, strutter. Beep, beep, strutter. Beep, beep, strutter. Help me. Wow. The Beep, Beep, Strutter song written by Jerry D dixon i haven't done that in a while but i thought it was appropriate since the virus have we credited the writer of that song that jerry dixon i just said it that's a brilliant lyric yeah pretty it's a brilliant lyric jerry you're a great talent uh

he is a great talent that is really that crazy clever. Gil, what did you think? Oh, that was terrific. Yeah, that wasn't convincing, Gil. Yeah, that was great. Give me another reading. Thank you so much. Great singing, you. Thanks for glazing over during it, you fucking whore.

I'm a fag, but you're a Jew fag. So there I said. A couple of more questions quick, and then we'll keep moving. Harold Steenworth, Mario, you are the Da Vinci of the GGACP. That's us. Magnifico and wickedly funny. When is John Waters going to put you and Gilbert in his next movie? You two would shine in a John Waters version of The Odd Couple.

There we go. See, there it is, the faggot and the jew that's the kind of movie that john waters would make what a brilliant idea i i met him once in providence i think he's brilliant you know i i was just watching polyester which is probably my favorite one it is so fucking funny i was died two in the morning like because i can't sleep at night i'm like i was heaving yeah he's a great talent oh funny truly truly funny yeah yeah one for both of you dustin hoff h-a-u-f-f uh boys what is your favorite hitchcock film okay is his rear window he wants you to know gill i'm gonna be obvious and stick with psycho okay i gotta toss up i love the birds and i love rope i love rope i love

written by arthur lorenz the gayest they and hitchcock was like he made it with definitely the the intention of them being gay. And they wanted Jimmy Stewart's character to be gay too, but Stewart was like, that's not happening. Gil? Oh, you already said it. Psycho. Yeah.

I am very fond of strangers on a train. Me too. That's the other one. I agree. Paul D. Cullen Jr. Hey, Mario, seeing you on Match Game. On the old match game neither charles nelson riley nor richard dawson ever really seemed to want to be there they gave

curt answers and participated in a few of the shenanigans was it not fun for them or in your opinion or was it just too good a job to give up you mean that's how he felt that they were which i don't yeah there was a there was a dismissiveness about that, but that's what made them funny. I, especially Charles Nelson Riley. He was always like giving shit to Brett Summers. I,

I love doing it. You're great. I love the game shows. I'm supposed to do pyramid again, but it's been postponed like everything. But yeah, I just, I love doing those game shows.

You're great. I do. I remember growing up. I thought I would watch Hollywood Squares and think, okay, it's funny, but this is rock bottom for someone's career. It's pathetic. Then I wound up on Hollywood Squares, and I loved doing it. Me too.

I did it too. And when Whoopi was doing it, it was great. It was so fun to do. Whoopi and Tom. We can say we did Hollywood squares. We did the match game. We did pyramid. It was a classic. I mean, look, people are like, well, you'll do that. You won't do a reality show. Yeah.

Cause reality shows are for fucking whores. I'm not doing it. You know, I turned down celebrity, big brother, go fuck yourself. I know that about you. I respect you for that. No way. And I needed a job at the time. And I didn't even negotiate up yet. I just said no. You are a man of integrity.

Gil, what other game shows did you do other than Squares? Oh, me? Yeah. What? Oh, I did Hollywood Squares. I turned into James Mason there without knowing. I did Hollywood Squares. I did, I turned it to James Mason there without knowing. I did Hollywood Squares. I'd love to see him on Hollywood Squares.

I did, what was the show that Donny Osmond was hosting? Pyramid. Pyramid. I did that then too. Yes. I did that. And what else did I do? Not that many. I did Py. And what else did I do? Not that many.

I did Pyramid. When Donny Osmond was hosting Pyramid, I did that too. He was very nice. And now Strahan's doing it, who I want to climb. By the way, you and Baldwin have a nice, you and Alec have a nice chemistry. I love him. I love him. He loves me.

He's very good to me. He comes and gets me every time they do it and he always puts me like in that position where I'm near him I I just adore him he's uh he's a champion of mine and I think he's funny brilliant yeah great incredible actor you know you look at something like um uh with the the departed which is just seriously heavy movie. And he's so funny in it. Yep.

He's just, it's amazing how he can just stay on the same page, same tone as everyone else is doing in the movie. And then he just. He's an actor that can play straight like that wonderful movie. He made the edge with Anthony Hopkins. Oh, yes. In the wilderness. Yeah.

Or, or do something funny like married to the mob or uh he can he can he can really do anything he was funny he was great brilliant just he's magnificent i love him to death quick one joseph goulant hey mario who's the better actress in your opinion post stroke betty davis or post-Pepsi Joan Crawford? This is really probably a controversial thing to say, but I would say that post-Pepsi Joan Crawford. Yeah, how about that? I think so. I think so, because Betty Davis after the stroke,

what did she do? She did the Whales of August. She was good in that, though. She was good in the Whales of August. Wicked stepmother wicked stepmother with barbara steel yeah yeah um and you know she who directed that i knew him larry cohen yeah he took me out to dinner yeah he was on this show he was he and he told me about that they had to rewrite it because her jaw kind of fell apart or something she had jaw problems. She couldn't finish the picture. I think he told us. The Wicked Stepmother.

Are you familiar with a movie that I believe came out in 1970? We were talking on the phone, you and I, about movies that are 50 years old. A horror movie called Trog with Joan Crawford. Oh, no, Trog. That's a bad Trog. You're a good Trog. No, Trog. Sick Trog. That's a bad Trog. Oh, Trog, darling. Come to me, Trog. That's a bad Trog. You're a good Trog. No, Trog. Sick Trog.

That's a bad Trog. Oh, Trog, darling. Come to me, Trog. Mommy's got a banana for you. Trog. Let me tell you about Trog. When I was filming Trog, my trailer was a Volkswagen van. It was humiliating.

But I had cases of Pepsi surrounding the van, used as barricades because i didn't have security gil do you know that one oh yeah he's like like a neanderthal yeah yeah and in the worst costume ever oh you think the head's gonna pop off you smell the rubber oh it's you should. You do. Scratch and sniff trog. Speaking to Joan Crawford here. I remember Betty Davis, when she looked her most horrible, with the crooked face. How gay are you? She used to go on like Merv Griffin wearing a mini skirt.

Well, no, she actually went on David Letterman wearing a mini skirt. Yes. And she had buttons all over it. And the very famous designer, Patrick Kelly. Patrick Kelly designed this dress for me. There are buttons here and here and here. And buttons on my hat. Large buttons. here and here and buttons on my hat large buttons he went on johnny carson once before the stroke

with richard pryor and he was so humbled next to her it was incredible to see him how he behaved he was amazing and she told and then she went on one on carson twice after the stroke but she told that whole story about um say Dunaway. He said, I posted this part of the interview because it was right after Faye Dunaway got fired from that Katharine Hepburn

one-woman show called Table T for Five or something like that, but she was throwing things at the costume people in Boston at the out-of- town cry out. They fired her because she was brutal. But she said, he said to her, Carson said, who would you never work with again?

And she said, $1 million Faye Dunaway. And he said, really? She said, yes. Oh, she is totally and utterly impossible. Well, there we were. We were doing the movie Amy Simple McPherson for television. I was Amy's mother. She was Amy, who was a great evangelist. There we were with thousands of extras sitting there waiting for Miss Dunaway with their boxed lunches in their laps. Well, we

waited for hours and hours. I sang, I've written a letter to Daddy to the whole crowd because they needed entertainment. I had to entertain the troops because that bitch took forever to get back

to the set. And she finally did finally did and i said did you get your fucking wig on correctly or what i paraphrase but you know that's what happened was she told me by any chance and this is probably a stretch was she by any chance aware of your impression betty davis yeah no she was still no no no still kicking around and i met her i met her once before the stroke um she was autographing her albums at um that album that she's saying they're either too young or too old she's saying all that and she's saying she's saying mother of the bride um and i i had the she signed my album for Mario. And what was that movie also that had to do with witches that was like the, went near the end?

And I think she either left or they fired her. That was the Wicked Stepmother. Yeah. That was the one that Larry Cohen directed. Yeah, yeah. She left because her supposedly her jaw was disintegrating oh yes yes that will happen to you too gilbert give it a couple of hours you'll feel some crumbs at the bottom of your mouth was she in another

horror was she in burnt offerings or am i am i oh that and that's with karen black and all of them yeah she was about the scariest fucking movie it is still scary i didn't open the window i didn't i promise i didn't open the window i didn't that was a great remember that one yeah and you and sammy was alive when you were doing uh find sammy's the Pie on Steam Pipe Alley. Yes. And you know, okay, so I was doing Find Sammy's Eye in the Pie, which was a game we did on Steam Pipe Alley. He comes to do the New York leg of the Jerry Lewis telephone. Okay. And my producer, Rick Derman, was like, you have to come downstairs and do this little segment with him.

I'm like, no fucking way. I said, I'm not meeting him. Does he about the fine sammy's eye in the pie and and and and he was like yeah he knows about it i'm like what the fuck did he say he said he said well i don't know what's so funny about my eye in the pie but he was okay about it so i go downstairs and judy kachka who was the great writer for steve by ballet she wrote this little sketch of me holding his book, which was Why Me? Hey, man, why me? And I had to do this little sketch with him. And we did a couple of takes.

He was very nice. He pinched my cheek. I have a picture of that. And he was very nice. And then he hosted the telethon and from like four in the morning to 10 or yeah, from about three or four in the morning to 10 o'clock, they, I replaced him for those hours. I ended up like standing in for him as host. So he gave me my blessing, gave me the blessing to do that. So I was going to ask as part of that question, are you aware of any celebrity who was annoyed or irritated by your impression

no i'm not i'm not i know julia child saw me do her uh-huh they showed they showed her a clip of me doing her stuffing you know on steam by belly i used to sure i used to you know i would fillet a little mermaid and make a barbie and ken keish and and so she showed yeah this is we're gonna fly the little mermaid today we're gonna splice her right down her tailbone into the tail and stuff her with some breadcrumbs yeah i would do this and then so they showed her me doing her when she was on like the richard bay show or nine broadcast plaza whatever those shows were and i was wearing the same sweater she was wearing coincidentally she was like look he's wearing the same sweater she was wearing coincidentally. She was like, look, he's wearing

the same color sweater that I have on. Isn't that marvelous? And Kathleen Turner, who you do, has become a friend of yours. Well, of course, I love Kathleen Turner. She knows that I do her. I think she likes that I do her. You know,

Kathleen Turner, I I feel like I want to plane with her one time you know the story yeah she she told me that did i ever tell the story i don't know but you can tell it jerry and i were flying to san francisco and and the steward comes comes up and says behind us mr bachman miss turner what would you like and i'm like oh the barkman turner overdrive are touring again they're like taking care of business but it was actually kathleen turner so she gets up and she goes to the front of the car like towards the galley and i just see her back and she's got this hot she had a high ass she's still she's got a

fucking big ass high though like not saggy. And that long hair. And she turned around, she's like, Mario, I can't believe you're here. What are you doing? What are you doing here? Where are you going? I said, well, I'm going to San Francisco. Oh, yes, well, me too.

I said, well, obviously, we're on the same fucking plane. She said, yes. And then she was talking to me, and I go to the bathroom, and I come back, and she's sitting there with her feet up on the bucket, talking to Jerry. And she goes, so I said said so where are you going well my brother lives in Santa Rosa so I'm going to see him but I'm going to be in

Bolinas I said Bolinas I love Bolinas it's my favorite place well where are you spending the fourth of July I said I'm spending the fourth of July in Healdsburg well Healdsburg is very nice but Bolinas is very nice I'm like oh yeah well Bolinas is nice but I can't go. Well, you should come. I can't go. I'm going to be in Healdsburg. Well, if you want to be in Healdsburg, go ahead, but you'll never be.

It's not as good as Bolinas. I love Bolinas. It's so beautiful. It's lovely. It's beautiful. I see lots of great white sharks in the surface. I see shipwrecks. You see everything.

Everything. Great. Another great impression and another another actress good in comedies like man with two brains and war of the roses and and on stage we were both nominated the same year 2005 for the tony award she was nominated for best actress for who's evaded great virginia wolf and she was robbed yeah same question to you besides seinfeld anybody ever uh bent out of shape by one of your impressions? I don't think so.

Was he bent out of shape about your impression? I've never heard anything from him about it. Yeah, no, I don't think, I don't remember anyone ever complaining. Well, we got the sense over the years that he wasn't thrilled about your impression back in the back in the improv days here's one that came out in 1970 i'm i'm jumping i'm jumping around here oh wait that's that story it's true when seinfeld was just another comic at the clubs and he was struggling to get on like everyone else, when I would go on stage, I would do an imitation of him just to amuse the other comics and the waitstaff. And they'd be cracking up. The audience would be scratching their heads because he wasn't known. the audience would be scratching their heads because he wasn't known.

And everyone would be sitting in the back with the exception of Seinfeld, who would be pacing the bar saying, that doesn't sound anything like me. Why? Why haven't you been invited on Comedians in Cars getting coffee, Gilbert, if he isn't annoyed? Yeah, I get it. No further questions. Yeah, no, that's it. They're like down the list now on the 780th comic from your era.

Here's one from 1970 that I know you guys know, Crow Haven Farm with Hope Lang, this ABC movie of the week remember gill no about the selma witch trials no but i think the selma witch vaguely vaguely yeah well you know they that's interesting john carradine was in it the abc movies of the week were great you know they did some great stuff yeah absolutely the point. The Point. Sure, sure. The Point. Yeah. Gil, here's some other horror movies that came out that year,

if these mean anything to you. Bird with the Crystal Plumage with Tony Musanti. Oh, yeah. House of Dark Shadows. Oh, yes. You talked about. And Blood on Satan's Claw. 75 years ago, Mario.

What was it called again? Blood on Satan's Claw. Are you sure? Was it nail polish? Here's one for both of you as long as we're doing anniversaries. This year, Mildred Pierce is 75. What do you mean?

Oh, Vida, I'd rather cut off my hand than hit you like that. Soon I was the best waitress in the country. And Gil, 75 this year, House of Dracula. Oh, House of Dracula. Yeah. Yeah. That's when it was time to give up.

That's when they somehow found a cure for the wolf man that he doesn't turn into a werewolf anymore at the end. And it was so stupid was house of dracula christopher lee i know john john carradine was dracula uh cheney was the wolf man and then glenn strange was uh frankenstein and as the mad scientist Onslow Stevens. Oh my God. See, now that is amazing that you're an encyclopedia of horror films.

So here's a classic horror movie with some gay overtones, Mayor. Bride of Frankenstein. Oh God, yeah. Well, who was his assistant? James Whale. No, James Whale was definitely,

but the guy that was Colin Clive. Oh, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait. Come on. The real gay one. Oh, yeah. Ernest Thessinger.

Him. Yeah. Dr. Pretorius. That's where the gay shit was. Yeah. Right there. Yeah. I remember when he's there and Ernest Thessinger and the –

Karloff walks in and goes, friend. And he goes, Ben, I should certainly hope so. He's like the Island of Mr. Toys guy. Oh, and they say Ernest Thessinger, when he was waiting around the set, used to knit. And he referred to himself as that knitting bitch. You ever see Gods and Monsters, Mario? Oh, yeah. With McKellen as James Whale?

And Brendan Fraser was beautiful in that also. Yeah, very good. I love that movie. Very good. And Lynn Redgrave. It's a great movie. It's a good book, too. Here, very good. I love that movie. Very good. And Lynn Redgrave, it's a great movie. It's a good book too. Here's two for you turning 80 this year.

Oh God. Pinocchio and Fantasia. Wow. How about that? You know I love Jiminy Cricket more than anything. I know you're a Disney guy. Hey everybody, it's me, Jiminy Cricket. Let's go.

Come on. Come on, let's go to Player Island. Come on, Pinocchio. Let's get out of here before you turn into a piece of ass. Come um yeah i love jiminy cricket he's my favorite i pinocchio i have disney plus you know um but i'm a little pissed off because where's the happiest millionaire and where's the one and only original family band and where is make my music what the fuck two john davidson movies yeah i know oh wow oh my god i have happiest millionaire on my dvr from turner class did we connect you to john no i've never met him you guys would love each other i saw him

in cohasset one time he's the best and i love it yeah so pinocchio and and in fantasia too huh yeah both of them and john john davidson was putting off doing this show for the longest time. And then finally he agreed to do it. And he loved doing the show. I heard he loved it. Frank said he loved, loved, loved it. I'm going to introduce you guys. Everyone's afraid of you. No one wants to be in your presence because you're too funny.

Although I don't give a fuck because I don't think you're funny at all. I, I, I know that's not true. Oh, you know, that's not true, Christina. But yeah, I want to meet John Davidson. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. But first a word from our sponsor. Nobody goes on vacation for the moments that are just okay. That's why Sunwing vacationers go all in like it's a buffet of fun. Whether you're skimming the treetops like Tarzan's long lost twin. Or deep end swimming with your flippers and fins.

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but Gilbert was famously, as we've discussed, invited by the late great Robert Osborne onto TCM to the essentials. Yes. To pick five films. That was such a treat. Was, what, as a guest programmer? Yes. Yes.

Well, I did that too. I did it. What did you pick? I did 2005 or six. What did I pick? Yeah. Do you remember? I picked too. I did it. What did you pick? I did 2005 or 6. What did I pick? Yeah, do you remember? I picked Mr. Skeffington. I picked A Woman's Face with Joan Crawford.

I picked Meet Me in St. Louis. And I forget the other ones. Mine were Freaks, Todd Browning's Freaks. Oh, of course it was. Weren't you in that? What? Yes. The Conversation.

Oh, wow. Good one. The Original of Mice and Men with Cheney and Burgess Meredith. Yes. And a very strange film, The Swimmer with Burt Lancaster. Oh, I know that film. Joan Rivers is in it. Yes.

She has one scene by the pool. Oh, my God. That's amazing. He looks great in that, in his little shorts, swimming in that pool. He's adorable. Did you know, has Gilbert revealed on any previous episodes, too, that he spent a little time in the company of the great Catherine Hepburn?

Yes. No, he didn't. it was at the Broadhurst Theater I got a job uh you know at the concession stand and Catherine Hepburn would come in come in before the show before the audience was allowed in walk around the theater for her exercise and she talked to us do you remember what the show, before the audience was allowed in, walk around the theater for her exercise, and she talked to us. Do you remember what show she was doing? It was Matter of Gravity. I saw it in Boston before she came to Broadway. With Christopher Reeve, right? It wasn't very good. Yeah, Christopher Reeve was in it, too.

And I remember she liked for us to open the doors before the audience was there to air out the theater. And one time we used to do it one time. We were all talking to each other before she showed up and she sees the doors are locked and she she screams out in the theater. That doors are locked, morons. The doors are locked, morons. Who was saying recently, some movie that she did, maybe it was, I don't know, but she was tough.

She would tell everybody off. If she didn't like something, she would say it. Why are the doors closed? Open the doors, you stupid morons. Gil, you liked her, though. Yeah, yeah. I bet she was a hell of a lady. And I remember it was like the night of the Academy Awards

or something, and I was sitting there to watch the Academy Awards and I get a call that all of us from the theater who did the concession who took were invited to her house she was having a little party and i went to her house in turtle bay get out you went to her house yeah i was at her house uh yeah did you know that is amazing food and everything you drank all the booze and ate all the peanuts i remember

what about lauren bacall speaking of legends and you got to befriend her i knew her pretty well well did you do your impression in front of her um i don't think i did tell her when the first time i met her i told her that i said i i used i did tell her when the first time I met her, I told her that I said, I used, I said, I do an impression of you. I met her after doing Phyllis Newman did this thing for the Actors Fund, the Women's Health Initiative, which is part of the Actors Fund, every year called Nothing Like a Dame. And it was mostly female performers. And I would do it almost every year. And I would sing and do a little comedy whatever so i met her at john's pizza two years in a row that we hung out and i remember the first time i said i do you and she said you do

i said yeah i used to do um i'd be like um i'm laura mccall and here i am and woman of the year with my handsome co-star harry guadino and then she went oh harry i said is he dead she went, oh, Harry. I said, is he dead? She went, is he dead? He died. And I used to sit at her feet and ask her questions. And Hal Prince is, may he rest in peace, the great Hal Prince and Judy Prince, who I love and adore. I used to sit at his, at her feet and ask her,

you know, tell me, you know, I want to know about bogey. Well, bogey wasn't an alcoholic. He just loved to drink. No, it's just like, you know, I asked her, I asked, when you're around someone like that, you ask questions. Of course. You want to know stories. I remember working with Morgan, Morgan Fairchild, who was a lovely woman.

And she had worked with like Betty Davis and Jimmy Stewart and a lot of TV movies. She kind of got those old stars when they were doing TV movies that she was part of. She said to me, I ask questions all the time. It's, well, what did Shirley MacLaine say when she was doing In Her Shoes with Toni Collette and Cameron Diaz? She said, none of them asked me any questions. She said, if I was with me, I would ask fucking questions. Why would they not want to know what my life was and jane fonda said it too she said meryl she was one of the only ones that asked her questions when they first worked together in julia she said let me the quote that jane fonda had was to the young kids it's better to be interested than be interesting which is the truth fuck these millennials gil when you're around and gilbert just spent some time with william shatner

when you're around these people gilbert and you've been in the company of people like that and jerry lewis do you ask questions do you want to hear the stories yeah i definitely i mean with with katherine hepburn would tell us stories and she'd, and it was, it was what was so great with her is she'd talk about them first person and go, well, Spence, I used to, he would talk with Jimmy. And then you go, oh, my God. You know, it's like James Cagney and Spencer Tracy or Jimmy Stewart. And then she would talk about how she met Groucho once. Yeah. She said how Spencer Tracy and Groucho Marx played a trick on her. So she told you a lot of stories and then she kicked you out of the house.

Oh, yes. Get out. It's late. I've got to go to bed. Here's one for both of you. Jeremy Allison. Both Mario and Gilbert have teamed up with the Ramones. Yes.

On Up All Night and Steam Pipe Alley in Bizarre Situations. Gilbert was the fifth Ramone going to a golf range and playing volleyball. And Mario had a pie fight with Joey and Marky. I did? Yes. I'd love to know what their impressions were of the band. You don't seem to have any memory of those. I remember.

I remember interviewing them. I don't remember doing the pie fight thing. But they were nice guys. You know, I wasn't a big a big you know new wave rock and roll fan even though my father owned a new wave rock and roll club in boston called cantones that a lot of the new wave bands played at the ramones didn't but i i just sat there and interviewed them they were nice boys they were kind of um they were a little slow like kind of not not mentally i mean just kind of in their in their, you know, they move slowly.

There may have been pharmaceuticals involved. Yeah, I think so. Gil, your impressions, your memories of the boys? Yeah, also nice. And I remember that was one of those humble nights that everybody remembers who used to watch the show. Yeah. That's like a favorite but yeah very nice very easy to work with here's one from john hey mario if there is a show uh what show if it ever made its triumphant return to broadway would you want to be in prisoner of second avenue really oh wow which i uh and i did we did a reading for elaine

joyce it was directed by cheryl callow it was me and pam adlon and the roundabout wanted to do it but there was a whole rights issue with if there's one neil simon play on broadway they can't do another one it's a whole thing i don't want to get into it but it's annoying but they really tried to do it but plaza suite was happening this year which didn't end up happening because so in a way we but they wanted to do it this season thank god they didn't because we wouldn't have been we wouldn't have done it i would love to see you we did a reading of it and it was great pam was great i was pretty damn good myself it's a perfect role for me i love that i saw it on broadway with my. Do you remember who did it? Yeah. Peter

Falk and Lee Grant. It was great. Yep. I bet he was great. Both were great. I bet she was magnificent. I love Lee Grant and I know her a little bit and enjoy Bayhar and I think she's lovely and magnificent and I was watching Shampoo. I just watched

The Landlord, another movie from 1970 with Paul Bridges and Lee Grant. Such a good movie. And I was watching Shampoo. I just watched The Landlord, another movie from 1970. Yeah, 1970. And Lee Grant, such a good movie. And Diane Sands. It's so good. And Falk is always great. I did a movie with him. Oh, really?

I did a movie called Three Days to Vegas. It was me and Taylor Negron. We were like a gay Thelma and Louise. And may he rest in peace. I got very close with Taylor. I listened terribly and he's he made me laugh so much that motherfucker. He would

he was just funny. He was the sweetest person in the world too. The greatest. I didn't even know he was sick. All of a sudden I was like what? I don't think anyone did. But we did this movie called Three Days in Vegas. It was Rip Torn and Peter Falk and me and Taylor playing the gay thumb in Louise. We would rob different restaurants and diners,

and then we ended up going off a cliff together. We drove off a cliff. The cliff was about like this high. I've got to find this. Gil, same question. What classic Broadway show would you love to do? Wow. yeah kill same question what uh what classic broadway show would you love to do wow uh well it's eight shows a week by the way eight shows a week that seat that sucks i just waiting for the theater to burn down on show three i just did it for a month and again at 60 years old i hadn't done a run in so long. It was in Seattle, but it was exhausting.

The only time I really worked Broadway is when Rocky Horror was on Broadway, and they were doing like this gimmick to get people to the theaters. It was after September 11th, so people weren't going. And so they had a week of different celebrities. No, it was a celebrity each week, a new celebrity. And Dick Cavett did it. So I was the celebrity narrator. Oh, you did that?

Wow. Yeah. And I mean, I got laughs and all that, but I thought, this is too much fucking work. It's a lot of work. Yeah. It's brutal. My first Broadway show was,

I replaced Nathan Lane in Love, Valor, Compassion. It was a three-hour play. It won the best play that year. It's an incredible play. And that character was like the engine of the play. It was exhausting, and I was younger then. It's hard, and I love it. Some people are like, when are you going to do another one-man show?

I mean, I've got it ready to go. But it's exhausting. Do I want to do it? Will I make it through? You know, I was just supposed to do the Carlisle again, too. And that got postponed. Right, of course. Michael McDonald was the week before me.

You know I love Michael McDonald. Yes. And then it was me and Wayne Brady. And we all got canned. Some more movies that are 50 years old, just for fun, Gil and Mario. MASH, Patton. One of your favorites, Mario Airport. Oh.

Grab him, he's got a bomb. Gilbert Beneath the Planet of the Apes. Beneath the Planet of the Apes. Oh, wow. My husband loves the Planet of the Apes. Kelly's Heroes. Quacks or Fortune has a cousin living in the Bronx. Oh, with Gene Wilder.

Lovers and Other Strangers. I love that. Darling Lily, Brewster McCloud. Cotton Comes to Harlem. Oh, yes. What was the one with Gene Wilder? Oh, I love On a Clear Day. Hey, Buzz Blow.

Our best way to go. I love that movie. I love that score. Gil, Buzz Blu, I'm best way to go. I love that movie. I love that score. Where's Papa? Oh, yeah. When he just died. No, no, no. He didn't die. What is that? George Segal and Ron Liebman. Yeah, George Segal,

Ron Liebman, Ruth Gordon. What? Oh, yeah. Rosemary, drink this pudding. Ron Liebman. Ruth Gordon. What? Oh, yeah. Ruth Gordon. Yes, yeah. Rosemary. Drink this pudding. Also, Five Easy Pieces, Gil. Yep, you love that movie, Gil.

Oh, yeah. Nicholson. And The Out of Towners. That's a great movie. Another great Neil Simon. Yeah, boy, was he on a run. Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis. That movie is magnificent.

I think Jack Lemmon may be my favorite movie star. For my money. I agree. If you go, if you look over the years, I mean, and, and, and I love math out, but if you, nobody could do as many things as Jack Lemmon could do. Yeah. And when he was so funny and the, you know, when he played characters that have that angst, you know, he, no one was better

at it no it was so grounded in reality and yet so funny and how many times can you watch the apartment without getting tired of it isn't it isn't it just yeah isn't it just perfection what is that is a movie that is 60 this year 60 years old yeah oh we're getting old so here's another one mayor as we were talking on the phone, that is fifth that turned 50 this year. You just alluded to it. Puffin stuff. Wow. It's first of all, Puffin stuff. You know, they did 17 episodes. Then they did the movie in 1970. It was starring Martha Ray,

which was Boss Witch. Mama Cass was Witch Hazel. Yes. And she had this great number in it that I actually sing at the Carlisle, that I wrap around another one of her numbers. But so, and it's one of, and Billy Hayes playing Witchy Pooh.

Sure. Jack Wilde. It's just a great, although the voice of Puffett's stuff was different in the movie than it was in the series. It's bothered me. You're a purist to know that. It's Freddie the flute. Yeah. But, but there's a great song called different that mama Cass saying,

I forget who wrote it. I'll look it up. Yeah. I, I, I, I, I, I know who it is. Oh, shit. Anyway. All right. So do you want to hear that? We do. We want you to take us out on it. Let's take us out on this song. Okay.

Hold on. This is a great song. And you'll recognize they're both Mama Cass songs. One you'll know. One you probably never heard unless you saw the movie. So here we go. Nobody can tell ya. There's only one song worth singing. They may try and sell ya, but it hangs them up to see someone like you. But you gotta make your own kind of music, sing your own special song.

When I was smaller and people were taller I realized that I was different I had a power that set me apart I learned to take it, to use it, to make it It's not so bad to be different To do your own thing and do it with heart Different is hard, different is lonely, different is travel afar you only Different is heartache, different is pain, but I'd rather be different than be the same

To be different than be the same At first I wondered what hex I was under What did I do to be so different Then I discovered some others like me Wondered all together we're stronger It's not so bad to be different, be true to yourself That's what you must be Different is hard, different is lonely Different is trouble for you only Different is hiding, different is pain But it won't be different to be the same

You're gonna be knowing The lonely is kind of lonely It may be tough going Just to do your things The hardest thing to do your things, the hardest thing to do But you gotta make your own kind of music Sing your own special song Make your own kind of music

Even if nobody else sings along Even if nobody else sings along Wow. Arranged by Jerry Dixon. He put those two songs together. So you basically put those two songs together yeah make your own kind of music there's barry man and cynthia while and gilbert the composer of different we'll be kicking ourselves podcast guest charles fox oh that's oh my god he was here

okay by the way he wrote the whole score to that movie he did did. And now you're not only going to meet John Davidson, you're going to meet Charlie. And let me tell you something about Charlie Fox. That score is so fucking good. The Puff and Stuff score. Charlie Fox wrote the soundtrack to this terrible, you know, teen sex comedy with Scott Baio and Willie Amott baio and willie ames oh yeah i remember that heather thomas oh my god and and oh and i think uh what what what's his name the black

guy uh scatman crothers yes that's right i'm glad you came up with them because they all look alike to you. But I knew when Charlie Fox came here, I knew the entire score. I saw that and I love the score. What was it called again, that movie? Zap. Zap. Zap. I sang the, and he says the only people

who knew the music to Zap were me and the people of the Philippines. That's true. Mario, I'm going to send you that episode. I want to hear it. And you know, ironically, Puff and Stuff, the movie was going to be called Puff and Stuff Zap the World.

And there's a song in the movie called zap the world that the witches sang bizarre yeah he's a great guy i i he wrote uh um the wonderful um uh the roberta flack song that they use in about a boy um killing me softly oh he wrote the late norman gimble yeah he wrote some wonderful songs. And I think Norman Gimbel and him both wrote Huff and Stuff. And a lot of classic TV themes like Love American Style and Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley and Wonder Woman. He did like, you know, a medley of his TV themes. Yeah, he's a terrific guy. We're going to send you that one.

And send him that cut. I want to hear it. I absolutely will. I'm probably the only person in the world that still sings different and and tell him uh that he has to come back on this show but just for me to sing ready or not okay we're gonna bring charlie back you're gonna sing ready or not and mario's gonna sing different with jerry because i already sang uh uh king and Queen of Hearts from Zapp. And... Oh, what was the other? Gilbert does the whole Scott Baio canon.

Gotta believe in magic. So was it a musical? Zapped? No! It just had songs like any movie has songs. So it was a movie with music. It was a teen comedy. Yeah, it had to do with Scott Baio has telekinesis and he ripped girls' clothes off. Well, it had to do with Scott Baio has telekinesis,

and he's eating the ripped girl's clothes off. Well, that's why you liked it. Yeah, but no, it failed. And they have Heather Thomas, who has the greatest body, the greatest man-made tits in the world, and she had a body double. That's sacrilege to you, Gilbert. She didn's sacrilege to you she didn't want to show it she didn't want to show her tits i think she was on steampipe alley had the time we've come full circle from jack wilde to scott baio in this in this 90 minute episode this was a lot of fun

this was great we want to shout out the talented jerry dixon a wonderful songwriter your partner in crime yeah he is a terrific talent i know we're in this crazy chaos but is there anything to plug what's what's happening with bliss bliss bliss hopefully is going to come to broadway when it opens uh we're in a good position they raised a lot of money and you know we did our out of town tryout and now we just got to come in we'll see um i hope it does i i um i you know i'm i'm on the this season of better things which is on hulu the whole season's on hulu now oh not the full season yet because it's not done yet and um i'm on i'm on the seventh episode of the good fight on CBS All Access. So I did some work before this all hit the fan. Thank God.

You're getting around. Still have my health insurance. And let's promote these wonderful charities again. And we'll repeat to our listeners that this is a special episode. We've decided the three of us are now going to be known as the Quarantine Titans. That's right.

Oh, yeah. And you can be robin mario all right yeah i'll be robin and uh and and let's let's promote these charities again so yours is minus the actors fund and broadway cares equity fight the actors fund and broadway cares equity fights aid so if you love this show if you love mario's appearances on this show uh please the money is is is desperately needed make a little donation uh or a large donation even even uh more preferable and gilbert once again uh though mid-share if you go on my website, Gilbert Gottfried dot com. You'll you could buy these masks, you know, the safety masks with pictures of me on it. And the money goes to MedShare.

MedShare. It supplies for 100 percent of the of the proceeds and the profits go to MedShare. So if you love the amazing colossal podcast, these are amazing charities. Please help these people. The great Mario Cantone. you are fearless. Thank you guys. It was awesome. Thank you for doing this. Gilbert, I love you. Thank you. Thank you, Jerry. And thank you, Gilbert. And thank you, Dara. And thank you, John. And thank you, Frank. Thank you, my friend. And thank you to all you little cocksuckers. I hope they love this one.

This was a special episode. Christmas came early. Yeah. But I'll see you at Christmas. I hope so. Oh, yeah. Thanks, pal. We love you to death. I love you too.

Thank you. Bye-bye, everyone. When I was smaller and people were taller, I realized that I was different. I had a power that set me apart. I learned to take it, to use it, to make it. It's not so bad to be different, to do your own thing, and do it with heart. Different is hard, different is lonely, different is trouble for you only. Different is heartache, different is pain, but I'd rather be different than be the same. At first I'd wonder what hex I was under. What did I do to be so different? Then I discovered some others like me

Wonder no longer, together we're stronger It's not so bad to be different Be true to yourself, that's what you must be Different is hard, different is lonely Different is trouble for you only Different is heartache, different is pain But I'd rather be different than be the same Different is hard, different is lonely

Different is trouble for you only. Different is heartache, different is pain, but I'd rather be different than be the same.