Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mario Cantone Encore

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

GGACP celebrates the beginning of Pride Month by presenting this ENCORE of a "special quarantine podcast" from 2020, featuring actor, singer, comedian and friend of the show Mario Cantone. In this episode, Mario joins Gil and Frank for a highly amusing conversation about teen idols, classic game shows, favorite Hitchcock flicks, the versatility of Jack Lemmon and the difference between impressionists and comedian-impressionists. Also, “Mildred Pierce” turns 75, Julia Child fillets the Little Mermaid, Mario hops a flight with Kathleen Turner and Gilbert guest-stars in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” PLUS: “Burnt Offerings”! The musical stylings of Jerry Dixon! The Ramones visit “Steampipe Alley”! And “Aladdin Meets the Harlem Globetrotters”!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, it's Gilbert Gottfried and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. Ah, he's back! Arguably the most popular and beloved guest on this podcast. Back for a record-breaking seventh appearance on the show. This time, our special quarantine episode. Yes.

You know him from popular programs like Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Really? That was in 1872. Get an updated bio. What the fuck is wrong with you? It moves up. It moves up. Oh, it moves up? What? It moves up in years?

Comedy Central roast of Dennis Leary. Yeah, that was in 1742. A Chappelle show. Yeah, well, that was... Men in Trees. Sex in the City. Mm-hmm. Uh, Ma...

Oh, Mom. Mom? Oh, yeah, I was just on Mom. That's current. Updated. just on mom that's current legendary and much beloved children's show steam pipe alley which i'm very proud of from hit from the hit broadway and all broadway shows including tony nominated one-man show, Laugh Hall. Yes, I was totally not. Please welcome to our show our very own Paul Lynn. Oh, yeah, I like that.

One who doesn't hate the Jews. Did Paul Lynn hate the Jews? How do you say that? Do you really? Well, happy Hanukkah. One of the most versatile and talented performers on the planet and other planet fresh from his recent tour of his adopted city of Seattle, Washington. Ugh, brutal.

Adopted? I'd like to put it up for adoption is what I'd like to do. Take my child, please. It's in Seattle. That fucking place. Don't get me started. I don't care if they hate me either. I don't care.

I really don't. I know it's a whole city and there's plenty of lovely people there, but you know what? Keep your ice cream and your donuts and your fucking dog. Did he say your name? Wept out aggressive people in the streets. Did he say who it was? So, the funny, the fabulous, the fucking fabulous. Oh.

That's not what I wrote. I love when you call me that. What I wrote was the irresistible marriage. Oh, yeah. Well, he can call me a fucking faggot. He can get away with it because he's a big fat fucking Jew ass. See? I think we need to flood each other with these words so that we can just get used to it and get it over with.

Take the sting out of me. It's a psychological term. And you said in your intro that I was versatile. How the fuck do you know? I could just be a top. I could just be a bottom. Maybe I am versatile. Maybe I will fist fuck you later on that fucking stool behind you. The irresistible.

I'm grabbing my balls right now. No one can see because I'm like tortured. Me too. Mario Cantone. Oh, thank you, Gilbert. I'm so glad we're doing this together. I'm really excited. Our quarantinis.

Is it Christmas already? No, I like not doing a Christmas episode for once. But you know, even though when it is Christmas, we drop them on anything. Mario, you could be the poster child on a magazine called Quarantine Beat. That's right. Me and David Cassidy, may he rest in peace. I had his pictures all over my wall. David Cassidy.

My mother used to go, what is he doing all over the walls? He's as queer as a $3 bill. And I'm like, he's not queer, Ma. I'm the queer one. He's got a huge cock, and he fucks a lot of pussy. I know this about David Cassidy. Gilbert, what did Danny Bonaduce tell us

about David Cassidy when we had him on? Well, one thing he told us, and, well, I remember I had heard it before, and I asked Danny, what I heard is, you know, he had a gate. I'm like a big fence around his house. His cock? His property. And he, you know, when he'd come out in the morning, And he, you know, when he'd come out in the morning, he'd walk out and there'd be screams like thousands of girls surrounding the house. And he'd go up to the gate, unzip and stick his stick through the gate. And they would jump on it like rabid dogs.

They would jump on it through a gate? That is a little difficult. No, their mouths would. Oh, so that was his version of a glory hole. Yes, yes. According to Danny Bonaduce. According to Danny Bonaduce. And is there a more reliable source?

Yes. Maybe Leif Garrett. Maybe. Yes. Maybe Jan Michael Garrett. Maybe. Yes. Maybe Jan Michael Vincent. Maybe. God, poor Jan Michael Vincent. Oh, he was the most beautiful.

I had his picture right next to my bed in a tie-dye muscle t-shirt. And your mother was wondering why you had your walls plastered with all these tiger feet centerfold. Oh, yeah. Oh, she was like, what is going? I didn't care. I didn't care. I'm like, I'm sorry, Ma. You're miserable anyway. You think my homosexuality is going to make you even more depressed? I don't think so. Go take your lithium and be quiet.

What about Bobby Sherman, David Soule? Remember him? I had an autographed picture of him that said, to Mario, from your friend Jack Wilde. I was obsessed with H.R. Puff and stuff. Wow. Obsessed. Which they only did 17 episodes of H.R. Puff and stuff. You know that. And then they did the movie, which came out in 1970. 50 years old, that movie.

I know. Well, we're going to do a special song for them later. We're going to talk about that. That's fantastic. Did you hear our episode with Sid and Marty, by the way? No, I didn't. And I know, I know Marty. I met him. I met him in London during the North Ridge earthquake in 1994. Was it? We were at a hotel together and we were in the courtyard and he

introduced himself and I was like, what? I was like, you're, you're, you're, you're Marty Croft. He was like, yeah. I was like, he's like i was like you're you're you're you're marty croft he was like yeah i was like what and we we he took me around london me and jerry he took jerry and i around london i was like i kept saying i went to harrods and i was like i want to see big ben i want to see big ben so we're in traffic and he goes get out and i get out and he goes see it that's big ben get back in let go. And that was how I saw Big Ben. They're characters, right, Gil? Oh, they're like the Sunshine Boys.

They really are like the Sunshine Boys. I know. They are. Sunshine Brothers. Well, Sid, I don't know, but I've seen him do a lot. He's been doing a lot of Instagram videos, I think. Hasn't he been? He's like, in 1960.

Sid's got a Liberace vibe. Judy Garland discovered us, and we opened for her. She was the greatest entertainer that ever lived. Doesn't he talk like that? I saw him on the extras of the H.R. Puppets of DVD and I was like, okay, he needs to pick up the pace. He's like as slow as Mary Steenburgen. up the pace. He's like as slow as Mary Steenburgen. He talks that way

and his brother's like, yeah, what do you want? Yeah, his brother's tough. Marty's tougher, right? Sid's a little like Jiminy Glick and Marty's like De Niro in The Irishman. They're very different.

What was your opinion of Ricky Martin? Me? Yeah. First of all, he was on Steampipe Alley. Minuto was on Steampipe Alley. Why? They were on Steampipe. We had new kids on the block.

We had everybody on Steampipe Alley. But he was on, Minuto everybody on Steep Up Alley. But he was on, Menudo was on Steep Up Alley. It was, you know, of course, before they grew hair under their armpits and they were thrown to the wolves because they weren't kids anymore. You know, once they checked the pubes

and they saw it grow and they were like, you're fired from the group and they were like, but they were on. They were very nice boys. I think their names were sergio sergio sergio sergio and ricky and um ricky martin i remember looking at him and i was like what a beautiful

little boy and i and his smile was gorgeous and i looked at him i said this boy's gonna be gay because i could see it in the eyes and in the smile you know i had i have gayed out even when they're kids like he's gay um but i met him once, I think, at an event. He was very nice. And when, I'll tell you, when he came out of the closet, which was what, 10 years ago maybe? Something like that. Okay, that was like Elvis coming out of the closet.

It was a big deal. It was, I hate the word brave, but it really was. He lost, and he'll tell you, he lost more than half of the closet. It was a big deal. It was, I hate the word brave, but it really was. He lost, and he'll tell you, he lost more than half of his audience. Now it's back because people are kind of okay with it more now. But, and you know, you get a lot of gay people like, well, like we didn't know. It's like, you know what? His Catholic Puerto Rican audience didn't know. So guess what? He lost a lot of them. He lost a lot of- Way back when, when Elton John came out and Rolling Stone is bisexual and lost 10, lost a big chunk of his audience. That was a big deal at the time.

It's different when they're British. It's a little different because everyone thinks every Brit is a homosexual. They talk like Teddy Thomas, you know, so they don't- But I think him coming out was a big deal and I thought it was good for him. I thought this is incredible. He's a great entertainer. I love him. I think he's a wonderful guy. How are you able to see in a little boy, who's going to become gay? I knew, I knew when I looked at him because I was, well, I was, you know, how old was I then? I was, um, I was 28, 29. And I just, you know, was, well, I was, you know, how old was I then? I was, I was 28, 29. And I just, you know, I, you know, you see,

because you look at yourself as a child and, you know, everyone knew I was gay as a kid because, you know, they didn't, they were idiots. And, you know, like I said, I had Jan Michael Vincent on my wall and I knew every word to every lyric of Judy Garland's Carnegie Hall double album set. Two years old. So did me and Gilbert. Yeah, well, we know.

You too, thanks. But so, yeah, I just knew. You can tell. You can just feel it. It's fascinating. Because it's a specific thing and it's, quote, at the time, it wasn't, quote, the norm. And we had this secret power inside of us almost. And it was like I could detect like, oh, you can't always detect it.

But he had glistening eyes and a very beautiful gay smile. I knew he was going to be. Gil, you never worked with Ricky Martin or any of those boy bands? No. Yeah. You worked with Ricky Martin or any of those boy bands? No. Yeah. You worked with the Beach Boys. Yeah. I did work with the Beach Boys.

Like when they were all alive? Because a couple of them died. Well, I – Oh, Brian wasn't there. What's his name? The drummer? No, the – Brian wasn't there.

Yeah. He wasn't there. He was probably in the rest of them a nut house or something who's the one that passed away young carl carl well dennis drowned dennis yeah that's the one he was carl passed away from cancer okay uh the beach boys sang the theme song to problem child that's right with stamos on the drums yes yes that was after that was after dennis passed away they used stamos on the drums That's right. With Stamos on the drums. Yes. Yes. That was after Dennis passed away. They used Stamos on the drums.

That's right. Who wants to grow up? Who wants responsibility? Oh, no, not me. Well, thank God you acted in the film. You didn't sing the friggin' song. God.

Well, the last time we saw you was at maybe the last public event in New York City that anyone ever held. It was right before the shit hit the air conditioner. Yeah, it sure did. Yeah. At our sixth anniversary show at the Cutting Room. It was a great night. It was a good night.

It was. It was thrilling. Yeah. And you and Gil did your duet. You brought back Betty and Tony we did and tony curtis yeah and who the hell expected ben vereen to walk in ben vereen walked in and i had i got to say from the stage that my first broadway show i ever saw was pippin when i was 13 years old wasn't that wild yeah him just showing up like that yep yep and alan's white bell paid you a lovely compliment

wow after that show i love him which. Which I'm going to repeat. He said, you know, Marty Short is talented and can do a lot of things and is a mimic and he sings. He said, but that Mario Cantone takes a backseat to no one. So there you go. That's, you know, from someone like him who has seen all of it. Everyone. All of it. Yeah.

He's written for the best he's one of the great comedy writers of all time that's really i love him to death anyway it was not only nice well thank you frank don't resistance is low i'm in quarantine so how are you doing by the way we should ask how are you guys holding up you and jerry and i are doing we get we well it's no surprise that we get along pretty friggin well i gotta say you know he came back from seattle yeah he was directing his show there and he came came back on the 13th. And he's here now. He was like, I'm coming home. He's like, I'm packing my shit. Because that's what my husband does. He comes home to his woman. Anyway, yeah, he, he's here. We've been cooking everything. fish gotta swim birds gotta floof

anyway yeah he's here we've been cooking everything we have our cocktails at 7 yes because we're doing this and I don't work when I drink after this I'll get fucking wasted and I have a tequila cocktail he has a

gin cocktail we've been like budding nixologists. And then we cook every night. And we should say, Gil, too, and because this is our special coronavirus or our special quarantine episode, that we thought we would do something nice and say to the fans who are listening to this show, if you're enjoying this show, if you're entertained by us, please make a donation. Please do. Yeah.

And Mario, where would you like them? Well, I have, you know, you can either go to the Actors Fund or Broadway Cares Equity Fights AIDS. Those are two great. Deserving causes. Deserving causes that take care of my people, the Broadway people. Deserving causes that take care of my people, the Broadway people. So, yeah. And, you know, people are going to need it because you're not going to see a Broadway show for a long time. A long time.

A long time. We're not going anywhere until there's a vaccine. It's the truth. And, Gilbert, you and Dara raised some money and made a donation to a worthy cause, too. You want to mention it? Oh, that's MedShare. See, if you go online and buy, there are these face masks with my face on it. No way.

Yeah. He made them. Yeah. Face masks with my face on it. And they're rewashable and everything, so you can reuse them. And the money from those go to MedShare, and they help get supplies for hospitals. MedShare? M-E-D-Share, Gil?

Yes. Okay. See, now— So we hope our listeners make some— So, yeah, you buy a mask what it's on the web on my on gilbertgodfrey.com

you know you buy a mask there and that money goes to my chair I want a mask with my face on it not yours okay or one with Jack Wilde's face on it oh yes consider yourself at home now you get do you get positive

feedback uh on social media when you do this show mario oh you get a lot of attention oh yeah i get a lot of it a lot especially yeah twitter and yeah i get and and instagram i get a lot and i'm not so great at the social media stuff but i you know i, I don't know when this is going to air, but. Probably in a week or two. I just posted today, this new thing called the Mooch in Exile. Tell us. So it's Scaramucci in quarantine. And it's very funny. It was written by my friend, Adriana Trigiani. And it's, Jerry filmed it. And, you know, I don't do a lot of that. I don't do a lot of homemade videos and post stuff. The only time I do it, I do this. I did Wendy Williams a few weeks ago. That's it.

I have no motivation. I'm dead inside. Okay. And you turn down reality show offers, but you hate them as much as I do, which is refreshing. I won't do them. I, you, I, you, you will see me sucking cock through a glory hole for money before you'll see me do a reality show. Don't say I've already done that because I've never had. I knew that was coming. I never have. Now, are you still in shock that both Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell are lesbians? Am I in shock? Yes.

Yes, because they both took my huge hard cock at one time. And it's probably the thing that made them lesbians because it was so large. They're just like, I can't do this anymore. These charities are going to want to be associated with this. Oh, charities are going to love us. No, I've known Rosie for so long, and I love her dearly.

And I, you know, she was, you know, she was a lesbian way back. She's someone that came out very early. I mean, not publicly, but, you know, she did what she did when she did. Everyone does it in their own time. Ellen, I don't know. I've never met her.

I don't know her at all. Gilbert, when are you coming out? Yeah, Gilbert. When are you coming out? But, you know, the two of them, I remember when they came out, I thought, well, nobody knew? How could that be? Well, you know, I think, well, look,

I think a lot of people didn't know at first. People don't want to know. Back then, people didn't want to know. Especially, like, we think a lot of people didn't know at first. People don't want to know. Back then, people didn't want to know. Especially, we're talking about Ricky Martin. Some people knew, but there are people that just don't want to know. And then when you say it, they're like, oh, so they have to make a choice. Are we going to stay with the faggot or are we going to go? And back then, a lot of them left.

Now people have come around and it's a it's a little better it's easier it's funny gilbert and i talk about old character actors when you look back at people like edward everett horton yeah we've talked about this a lot gil and porter hall giles nelson what's that oh oh yeah billy d wolf and billy d wolf and all of these guys that were, you know, at the time it was maybe obvious to some, but, but in those days, I mean, I watched a, a, a Jack Lemon movie called under the yum yum tree. And Paul Lynn is playing the caretaker of these garden apartments. And he's, he's seething with jealousy because Jack Lemmon is a womanizer.

And audiences bought it. Well, what about in – I think it was Son of Flubber. He plays a sportscaster. There you go. I mean – They gave him a sitcom where he had a family, Paul Lind. That's on television every Saturday night on audience TV or something like that. People bought it.

People accepted it. What I noticed is, like, if someone was outwardly gay, they were either eccentric or evil. Yeah. They played a lot of villains. A lot of villains. It still exists. Look, okay, I mean, people talk about the Lion King.

I know Jeremy Irons wasn't gay, and he did do the voice of Scar, but Scar was a very gay villain. Like, all these villains. If you look at, go back, I go to the Disney stuff. Like, in Robin Hood, the one with the animals, Peter Ustinov played Prince John. It was so gay. And who was it um

terry thomas that played um sir hiss the snake they were like two you know and one was a snake and one was a lion so the snake probably you know fucked prince john up the ass with his head i don't know but you know that they were gay do you have a short version of of the story of why you turned down being in the lion king on broadway i just i did the workshop originally um and i just i know me i you know broadway show you're doing eight times a week and there's nothing more i love to do and i just did a new musical that when broadway opens up i believe it's going to come in it did really well it's called bliss i played the villain you go okay it's a magnificent role you know me i don't go out of town for anything i don't out of town try to musical i've done it

twice in my life once for candor and ebb and this one which was directed by cheryl caller and written by tyler beady and emma lively great writers it's a great musical and i went there for a month and it was in seattle and my husband was. So that was almost like a perfect storm. Um, until, you know, you realize you're in Seattle, but, um, so I just, I just knew you do eight, you're doing eight shows a week. If you do this thing, I just wasn't going to strap a puppet on my ass and paint my face green and, and walk around singing Hakuna Matata. You know, I'm not doing it. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. And Max Casella, who's my buddy, who did it,

the poor kid, his back was all fucked up after that year. Really? Oh, the hyenas? The hyenas are, like, all hunched over in that costume. Their backs are fucked. They had masseuses you know the giraffes are on stilts if they fall they've got to be dragged off by the stilts while they're laying down and you know the stage manager's like we're down for the paper mache you're gonna rip it you know i mean they're freaking out it's it all costumes. And I don't like, I don't like props.

I get it. It's like I did an episode of AJ and the Queen on Netflix with RuPaul. And it was the first time I ever did like full drag. I do a lot of women, but I don't like doing drag. I don't like the makeup and the wig and the tits. It's all props to me. And it's not just about doing drag. It's about, it's extra stuff.

I don't even go on stage with a cigarette, you know, or if I'm doing a character. You want to streamline everything. I don't, I just want to do it the way, I learned that from Lily Tomlin. You go on with your pants and your shirt and you do it, whatever you're doing. I mean, I did that, I did AJ and the Queen

and it was torture being in drag. I have to give it to the drag queens. It's amazing that they, how brilliant they are at the artistry of making themselves up and the way they look. And they do it and they love it. I find it just horrifying.

And so the thought of something like a Broadway musical is grueling under the best circumstances. Yes. And you thought if you had to add props and costumes and prosthetics. And you're also being a puppeteer. You're puppeting.

You're a puppet maker. Gil, you sang famously in Aladdin. Do you think- Yeah, that motherfucker got to stand at a mic and piece of shit. That asshole Gilbert Garfield and do an iconic character. I did that for three years and

the movie fell apart that's my fucking luck in this i did i had i had an incredible role in a disney movie it fell apart three years i was doing it oh wow yeah three years not not aladdin no it wasn't aladdin shut your face and then i came back for uh return of jafar yes and then the prince of thieves and even a series of a lot you did it you did it aladdin goes hawaiian he's in every version he's in every version of the. Aladdin meets the... The Keystone Cops. The Wolfman. Oh, fuck. The basketball players.

The Harlem Globetrotters. Yeah. Aladdin meets the Harlem Globetrotters. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast after this. Here's something I want to... What were you going to say? No, go ahead. Here's something that I noticed. There are celebrities

who the whole public knows are gay or suspects very strongly is gay. But as long as they themselves don't say it, it's perfectly acceptable to be a romantic lead.

Absolutely. And there is not one openly gay movie star leading man. Not one. Not that's American. No. There isn't. And that's when people go, oh, it's getting better.'s it there isn't and i and that's people go it's getting better no it isn't not in that when that happens then i'll be like okay it's getting a little better you know there's still only it's discouraging yeah it's and they believe and

look at look you kill you remember when i was doing the improv and catch a rising star you know i was a gay comedian fucking in mainstream comedy rooms in the 90s in the early 90s i mean it's and i was always afraid that you know and it happened a few times when i was doing catch a riding star in princeton at the fucking hyatt where you get a fucking guy in the back of the room calling you a faggot and then they don't do anything about it yeah and they they banned me from that room because the hotel the girl at the hotel desk was was a time they weren't giving us rooms and her name was sarah and i and she was very rude so on stage i called her sarah plain and tall and they had a corporate meeting about the fact that i called her sarah plain and tall and someone

in the audience was like I dealt with her too and she wasn't very nice I'm like no she was not she is Sarah plain and tall and rude and tall and rude and mean she was horrible yeah you know our listeners obviously know a lot about Gilbert's early stand-up days and we've it's been said on this show many times that he started early when he was 15. As well as I know you all these years, I don't know your beginnings as a stand-up. When did you first go up? Well, I... And was it in Boston? Was it local?

Yeah, it was local in Boston. I was with Lauren Dombrowski. May she rest in peace. She was an executive producer of Mad TV. But we were in college together. We were a team. And then we split up and I did some solo stuff there. And my first professional stuff was in Provincetown.

I was 19 years old. 19. In the Dero room and the post office cabaret. And, but I really, you know, when I went to LA, I tried out for the comedy store. I didn't get in. And then I came to New York in 82, 83. And it was 83.

And I auditioned for Silver Friedman at the Improv in 1984, and I got in. And I prayed that I wouldn't get it. I prayed you had to go pick a number. I prayed that I wouldn't get a number. Prayed, and I got a number, and I got in. Wow. And I was terrified. The first year and a half, I are you now i was 20 i was 23

23 24 i was terrified i was terrified doing it but the first year and a half i was like killing all the time and then this fear set in that just it was not good impressions in the act early was that was because gilbert's early act gilbert your act was centered around impressions. Yeah, mine wasn't that far from, and if your waiter was James Cagney, it might go. Because they used to have, now Vegas has impressionists, but TV used to be filled with Frank Ocean, Rich Little. Marilyn Michaels. Yeah. Copycats.

Copycats was a great show. Fred Travolina. I think the best impressionists, and I say this about you, Gilbert, too, and I feel like I do this, when you do the impression, you have to have a point of view you know this it's got to come from a a particular point of view and it's almost like a caricaturist you highlight those certain things that make it funny there are certain people there are certain impressionists that i feel like are so accurate and brilliant but it's not funny

interesting yes you've got to you've got to have your own thing. That's the difference between a comedian doing impressions and an impressionist doing impressions. Yeah, true. It's kind of like watching a musician who you say, well, he sure knows how to play that instrument. Yeah. Yeah.

Or what instrument? The one between your legs? You've done the show enough to know we jump around like crazy. We're going to do a little music for you guys on this special quarantine episode, but I also have questions from listeners and I'm going to throw one out now because it's timely. Larry Schultz. This one's for you, Mario.

Are you familiar with the game? Fuck, marry or kill? Yes. He wants toz. This one's for you, Mario. Are you familiar with the game Fuck, Marry, or Kill? Yes. He wants to know Fuck, Marry, or Kill. Charles Nelson Reilly, Rip Taylor, or Paul Lynde. Okay, first of all, those are three not attractive. Can I have one fucking attractive person? Okay, what are the three again?

Rip Taylor, Paul Lynde, and Charles Nelson Reilly. I can't kill any of them i know that's i know it's the nazis already did that to the homosexuals fuck i fuck marry or kill i mean i love rip taylor i'd probably marry him did you know rip taylor that you met i did i met him in a duane reed and he went like this he was all excited and i like, are you kidding me? Funny man. He was a wonderful guy.

Charles Nelson Reilly, I couldn't kill him. I guess I'd fuck Paul in, and I'd fuck. No, I wouldn't. I'm not answering that. Next question. This one's from Shani Constant, and then we'll move on. Which Vincent Price role, this is for you as well, Gil, would you most like to fill in a reboot?

And if it's not the abominable Dr. Fibes, why not? Are you familiar with that series? Oh, yeah. I know of it, but I don't know his films. What am I going to say? Oh, I'll take the Raven. I don't know what the fuck. The Whales of August. The Wh august the whales of that movie no way with betty davis

where is everybody going Sarah, cut my hair, Sarah. Please cut my hair. I erred. I should have printed out some dialogue from the Whales of August between Benny Davis and Gilbert could have done Vincent Price. Oh, that's a great idea. Oh, wow. Well, next time. But you do have some papers in front of you.

I do. Do you want to try this bit that we. Which one? It's just a straight movie dialogue read, some papers in front of you i do you want to try this bit that we uh which one uh it should it's just it's just a straight movie dialogue read but i think it'd be fun to hear you guys do it okay it's the scene that i sent over from a star is born oh my all right gil do you have it uh yes i would love to hear you too this was actually mario's idea well i just watched this and i was like we've got to do it because no no one does a better James Mason than Gilbert.

Oh, thank you. It's true. So this is about a minute and a half. This is a scene early in the movie. Okay. Oh, yeah. All right, ready? You got it, Gil?

You ready, Gil? Yes. So this is right after she sang The Man That Got Away. Correct. So if you go listen to The Man That Got Away when I sang it on the anniversary show, then you can hear the scene. It'll all come together. But tonight, I'm not singing The Man That Got Away. All right.

Hello, Mr. Main. You turn up in the strangest places. Don't I, though? And you're cold sober. Well, you'd better make the most of it. Sit down for a moment. Do you always sing like that? Like what? The way you do. What do you mean?

Good or bad? You ever go fishing? Mm-mm. Well, do you like prize fights? Ever watched a great fighter? I'm trying to tell you how you sing.

Do you mean like a prize fighter or a fish? Look, there are certain pleasures that you get, and there are certain pleasures you get, little jabs of pleasure

when a swordfish takes the hook, or when you watch a great fighter getting ready for the kill. Or when you watch a great fighter getting ready for the kill. See, you don't understand a word I'm saying. No, not yet. Why don't you try bullfighting? You're joking.

But that's exactly what I mean. You'd know a great bullfighter the moment he stepped into the ring, from the way he stood, from the way he moved, or like a dancer. You'd have to know about ballet. That little bell rings in your head, And then that jolt of pleasure. It's what happened to me just now. You're a great singer. Who, me? Hasn't anyone told you that before?

No, Mr. Mayne. No one's ever told me that before. Maybe you're not quite so sober as you both thought you were, but thank you. I'm afraid I'm no good at talking about myself, Mr. Maine. Everything just runs together.

Runs together? How? All over the place. Washing up my gloves and crummy hotel rooms and winning a contest on the radio and singing in joints. I can remember my first job singing with a band. And then one night stands clear across country. And then one night stands clear across country by bus, putting on nail polish in ladies' rooms and gas stations, waiting on tables.

Wow, that was a low point. I'll never forget it, and I'll never do that again, no matter what. But I had to sing. I somehow feel most alive when I'm singing. It's like, you know, you don't want to hear this now, do you? Do you mind? Mind? No, I'm having a wonderful time. Is there anything more I should know about your fascinating life?

There must be more. Oh, there is. There's a whole scrap book full. And scene! That was dramatic. One thing didn't make sense to me when I was reading that.

Can we get you guys to tour? I think we'd be great together. And then one night stands clear across. Oh, I think that was a misprint. I'm sorry. That was my fault. That was your fault. I transcribed it from the movie.

You're terrible. What? One of your visits to the show, we were coming up with an idea for a TV show called The Faggot and the jew well let's go i think it's time i think after this quarantine they're gonna want anything they say it's a good time to pitch a show gil first of all it's it's just another version of the odd couple it's probably the real version of the odd couple this is the i i mentioned on the live uh anniversary show this is the 100th year of tony randall's birth the centenary is that the word it is it really yes 100 years and math out

100 years wow well there you go we're old oh that is and and we talked about this uh frank and i that both there's no one living from either the movie or the tv show the odd couple that's true well a minor player from the series would be uh eleanor donahue who played miriam felix's girlfriend and she's with us but she's only in a handful of episodes the key yeah the key actors are all gone yeah the the whole one of the pigeon sisters is alive. Ah. Yeah. Well, you know. I could see you guys doing the I could see you doing the Sunshine Boys too.

Well, I'm not that old yet, so go fuck yourself. You know what's up? I was watching that recently going, am I old enough to do that yet? No, I'm not. I'm still a pretty young homosexual that is in denial of his age. Well, Matthau, they aged Matthau

after Jack Benny fell out. They did. They did. Do you and Jerry want to favor us? Yeah. Hey, well, since we were doing a little garland, I think we should do the puff and stuff thing at the end because that's a little more dramatic.

Yeah, we'll close on that. Let's do let's do since we were doing judy i'd like to sing this song for you that was written by my husband and um wait he's setting up the microphone um the fabulous jerry dixon you know the um This Corona 19, which was a dance in the 40s. Corona 19, hop, hop, hop. You counted 19 times. Kind of like the bunny hop, but not actually. But the coronavirus, I have to tell you,

I was informed by some very close doctor, some scientists that I know, that it came from the bat, you know, the bat, the flying bat. You know, that's true, you know. And it came from a bat. I think that's very, I feel bad for the bat. You know, when I was in Italy, I used to sit on the hill and watch the bats come out of their cave every night at dusk or dawn or

whatever time when the sun goes down and I would say to my friend what is the Italian word for bat and she said it was pipistrello which means it looks like a rake that pees. So, you know, rakes without handles. So that's why it was a pipistrello. That's what it's called, pipistrello. It's a rake that pees. It's a good thing that it wasn't called a poo-poo shovel, because then it would just dig your grave and take a big shit on you.

But let's sing this. I fell in love with the bat. So I'd like to sing this ode to the Italian bat, the theme, the ode to the Pipistrello. Do you want to hear it? Yes, very much so. All right, let's go. Let's hit it. I've wandered the world over I've seen the greatest sights I left my house on every coast From Frisco Bay to Wuthering Heights But who would ever dream

My romantic destiny Is a hole within a mountainside In good old Tustin' E Pee-pee straddle Come for me Fly me to your dark and cozy cave. And let's hang upside down and make that screeching sound. It's music to my ears. I'm your nocturnal slave. Fly me high, high above where I can chill And then when we return, you'll gently let me go Your droppings on the floor will surely break my fall

Baby straddle, baby straddle I need your blinded beady eyes To search inside my soul I need for you to take me In your dark and humid hole I need your big emphasizes To rest upon my neck I need to feel your fruity breath

That stinks of rotten bread Not a rubber To feel your fruity breath that stinks of rotting bread Not a rodent at the side When cattle wind up dead, he adds the wine But when you love him, he'd be strong Be me strong, is the way Be me strong, be me strong Be me strong Help me Wow.

The Pee Pee Strelow song, written by Jerry Dixon. I haven't done that in a while, but I thought it was appropriate since the... Have we credited the writer of that song? Jerry Dixon, I just said it. That's a brilliant lyric. Yeah, pretty... It's a brilliant lyric. Jerry, you're a great it. That's a brilliant lyric. It's a brilliant lyric. Jerry, you're a great talent.

He is a great talent. That is crazy clever. Gil, what did you think? Oh, that was terrific. That wasn't convincing, Gil. Yeah, that was great. Give me another reading. Thank you so much.

Great singing, you. Thanks for glazing over during it, you fucking whore. I'm a fag, but you're a Jew fag, so there I said it. A couple of more questions quick and then we'll keep moving. Harold Steenworth, Mario, you are the Da Vinci of the GGACP. That's us.

Magnifico and wickedly funny. When is John Waters going to put you and Gilbert in his next movie? You two would shine in a John Waters version of The Odd Couple. There we go. See, there it is. The faggot and the Jew. That's the kind of movie that John Waters would make.

What a brilliant idea. I met him once in Providence. I think he's brilliant. I was just watching polyester, which is probably my favorite one. It is so fucking funny. I was two in the morning. Like,

cause I can't sleep at night. I'm like, I was heaving. Yeah. He's a great talent. Truly, truly funny. Yeah.

One for both of you. Dustin Hoff, H a U F F boys. What is your favorite Hitchcock film? Okay. Is his rear window. he wants you to know gill i'm gonna be obvious and stick with psycho okay i gotta toss up i love the birds and i love rope i love rope i love. Written by Arthur Lawrence, the gayest. And Hitchcock was like, he made it with definitely the intention of them being gay. And they wanted Jimmy Stewart's character to be gay too, but Stewart was like, that's not happening.

Gil? Oh, you already said it. Psycho. Yeah. I am very fond of Strangers on a Train. Me too. That's the other one. I agree. Paul D. C. Yeah. I am. I am very fond of strangers on a train. I meet you. Oh yeah. I agree. Paul D. Cullen jr. Hey, Mario, seeing you on match game on the old match game,

neither Charles Nelson Riley nor Richard Dawson ever really seemed to want to be there. They gave Kurt answers and participated in a few of the shenanigans. Was it not fun for them or in your opinion, or was it just too good a job to give up? You mean that's how he felt that they were which i don't yeah there was a there was a dismissiveness about them but that's what made them funny i especially charles nelson really he was always like giving shit to brett summers i i i love doing it you're great i love the game shows i'm supposed to do pyramid again but it's been postponed like

everything but yeah i just i love doing those game shows you're great i do i i remember growing up i thought i would watch hollywood squares and think okay it's funny but this is rock bottom for someone's career then i wound up on hollyares, and I loved doing it. Me too. I did it too, and when Whoopi was doing it, it was great. It was so fun to do. We can say we did Hollywood Squares. Yes.

We did the match game. We did Pyramid. It was a classic. I mean, look, people are like, well, you'll do that. You won't do a reality show. Yeah, because reality shows are for fucking whores. I'm not doing it. You know I turned down Celebrity Big Brother. Go fuck yourself. I i turned down celebrity big brother go fuck yourself i know that about you i respect you for that no way and i needed a job at the time and i didn't even negotiate up yet i just said

no you are a man of integrity gil what other game shows did you do other than squares oh me yeah what oh i i did hollywood squares i did uh i turned it to james mason there without knowing i did hollywood squares i'd love to see him on hollywood squares i did what was the show that donny osmond was hosting. Pyramid. Pyramid. I did that then too. Yes. I did that. And what else did I do? Not that many. I did Pyramid. When Donny Osmond was hosting Pyramid, I did that too. He was very nice. And now Strahan's doing it, who I want to climb. By the way, you and Baldwin have a nice,

you and Alec have a nice chemistry. I love him. I love him. He loves me. He's very good to me. He comes and gets me every time they do it. And he always puts me like in that position where I'm near him.

I just adore him. He's a champion of mine. And I think he's funny, brilliant. Yeah, great talent. He's an incredible actor. You know, you look at something like The Departed, which is such a seriously heavy movie, and he's so funny in it. Yep.

He's just, it's amazing how he can just stay on the same page, same tone as everyone else is doing in the movie, and then he just, you know, he just. He's an actor that can play straight, like that wonderful movie he made, The Edge, with Anthony Hopkins. Oh, yes. Where they're lost in the movie. He's an actor that can play straight like that wonderful movie he made, The Edge, with Anthony Hopkins. Yes. Or do something funny like Married to the Mob.

He can really do anything. 30 Rock. He was great. He's magnificent. I love him to death. Quick one. Joseph Goulant. Hey, Mario, who's the better actress in your opinion, post-stroke Betty Davis or post-Pepsi Joan Crawford? This is really probably a controversial thing to say,

but I would say that post-Pepsi Joan Crawford. Yeah, how about that? I think so. I think so, because Betty Davis after the stroke, what did she do? She did the Whales of August. She was good in that, though. She was good in the Whales of August. Wicked Stepmother?

Wicked Stepmother with Barbara Steele, yeah. Yeah. And, you know, who directed that? I knew him. Larry Cohen? Yeah, he took me out to dinner. Yeah, he was on this show. He told me that they had to rewrite it because her jaw kind of fell apart or something but she had jaw problems yes she

couldn't finish the picture i think he told us he told us the wicked stepmother are you familiar with a movie that i believe came out in 1970 we were talking on the phone you and i about movies that are 50 years old a horror movie movie called Trog with Joan Crawford. Oh, no, Trog. That's a bad Trog. You're a good Trog. No, Trog. Sick Trog.

That's a bad Trog. Oh, Trog, darling. Come to me, Trog. Mommy's got a banana for you. Trog. Let me tell you about Trog. When I was filming Trog, my trailer was a Volkswagen van. It was humiliating. But I had

cases of Pepsi surrounding the van, used as barricades because I didn't have security. Gil, do you know that one? Oh, yeah. He's like a Neanderthal. Yeah, and in the worst costume ever. You'd think the head's

going to pop off any pop off you smell the rubber you do scratch and sniff trog I remember Betty Davis when she looked her most horrible with the crooked face

how gay are you she used to go on like with the crooked face. How dare you? She used to go on like Merv Griffin wearing a miniskirt. Well, no, she actually went on David Letterman wearing a miniskirt. Yes. And she had buttons all over it. And the very famous designer, Patrick Kelly. Patrick Kelly designed this dress for me. There are buttons here and here and here

and buttons on my hat. Large buttons. She went on Johnny Carson once before the stroke with Richard Pryor. And he was so humbled next to her. It was incredible to see him, how he behaved. It was amazing. And she told, and then she went on, went on Carson twice after the stroke. And she told that whole story about Faye Dunaway. He said, who would you, I posted this part of the interview because it was right after Faye Dunaway got fired

from that Katharine Hepburn, one woman's show called Table T for Five or something like that, but she was throwing things at the costume people in Boston at the out-of-town cry out. They fired her because she was brutal. But he said to her, Carson said, who would you never work with again? And she said, $1 million Faye Dunaway. Really? She said, yes. She is totally and utterly impossible. Well, there we were.

We were doing the movie Amy Simple McPherson for television. I was Amy's mother. She was Amy, who was a great evangelist. There we were with thousands of extras sitting there waiting for Miss Dunaway with their boxed lunches in their laps. Well, we waited for hours and hours. I sang, I've written a letter to daddy, to the whole crowd because they needed entertainment i had to entertain the troops because that bitch took forever to get back to the set and she finally did and i said did you get your fucking wig on correctly or what i paraphrase but you know that's what happened

was she told me by any chance and this is probably a stretch was she by any chance aware of your impression betty davis yeah no she was still no no no still kicking around and i met her i met her once before the stroke um she was autographing her albums at um that album that she sang they're either too young or too old. She's saying all that. And she's saying, Mother of the Bride. And she signed my album for Mario. And what was that movie also that had to do with witches that was near the end? And I think she either left or they fired her. That was The Wicked Stepmother. her. That was the wicked stepmother.

Yeah. That was the one that Larry Cohen directed. Yeah, yeah. She left because supposedly her jaw was disintegrating. Oh, jeez. Yes, that will happen to you too, Gilbert. Give it a couple of hours.

You'll feel some crumbs at the bottom of your mouth. Was she in another horror movie? Was she in Burnt Offerings? Oh, that's with Karen Black and all of them? That is the scariest fucking movie. It is. It's still scary.

I didn't open the window. I didn't. I promise I didn't open the window. I didn't. That was a great movie. Remember that one? Yeah. Burnt Offerings. opened the window i didn't that was a great remember that one yeah and you and sammy was alive when you were doing uh find sammy's eye on the pie on steampipe alley yes and you know i he okay so i was doing find sammy's eye in the pie which was a game we did on steampipe alley

he comes to do the new york leg of the jerry lewis telephone. And my producer, Rick Derman was like, you have to come downstairs and do this little segment with him. I'm like, no fucking way. I said, I'm not meeting him. Does he know about the fine Sammy's eye in the pie? And, and, and, and he was like, yeah, he knows about it. I'm like, what the fuck did he say? He said, he said, well, I don't know what's so funny about my eye in the pie, but he was okay about it

so i go downstairs and judy kachka who was the great writer for steve by ballet she wrote this little sketch of me holding his book which was why me hey man why me and i i had to do this little sketch with him and he we did a couple of takes he was very nice he pinched my cheek i have a picture of that nice and he was very nice and then he hosted the telethon and from like four in the morning to 10 or yeah from about three or four in the morning to 10 o'clock they i replaced him for those hours i ended up like standing in for him as host so he gave me my blessing gave me the blessing to do that so i was going to ask as part of that question, are you aware of any celebrity who was annoyed

or irritated by your impression? No, I'm not. I'm not. I know Julia Child saw me do her. They showed her a clip of me doing her stuffing, you know, on Steam by Belly. I used to, sure. I used to, you know, I would fillet the Little Mermaid and make a Barbie and Ken Keish. And so she showed, yeah, we're going to fillet the Little Mermaid today. We're going to splice her right down her tailbone, into the tail and stuff her with some breadcrumbs. I would do this. And then, so they showed her, me doing her,

when she was on like the Richard Bay Show or Nine Broadcast Plaza, whatever those shows were, and I was wearing the same sweater she was wearing coincidentally. She was like, look, he's wearing the same color sweater that I have on. Isn't that marvelous? And Kathleen Turner who you do has become a friend

of yours. Well, of course, I love Kathleen Turner when she does, you know, she knows that I do her. I think She knows that I do her. I think she likes that I do her. You know, well, Kathleen Jordan, I... I feel like I want to play with her one time.

You know the story. You told me that one. Did I ever tell the story? I don't know, but you can tell it. Jerry and I were flying to San Francisco and the steward comes up and says behind us, Mr. Bachman, Ms. Turner, what would you like? And I'm like, oh, the Bachman-Turner Overdriver touring again.

They're like, taking care of business. But it was actually Kathleen Turner. So she gets up, and she goes to the front of the car, like towards the galley, and I just see her back. And she's got this high, she had a high ass. She's still, she's got a fucking big ass. High though, like not saggy. And that long hair.

And she turned around, she's like, boy, I can't believe you're here. What are you doing? What are you doing here? Where are you going? I said, well, I'm going to San Francisco. Oh yes, well, me too. I said, well, obviously we're on the same fucking plane. She said, yes.

And then she was talking to me and I go to the bathroom and I come back and she's sitting there with her feet're on the same fucking plane. She said, yes. And then she was talking to me. And I go to the bathroom. And I come back. And she's sitting there with her feet up on the bucket, talking to Jerry. And she goes, so I said, so where are you going? Well, my brother lives in Santa Rosa. So I'm going to see him. But I'm going to be in Bolinas.

I said, Bolinas? I love Bolinas. It's my favorite place. Well, where are you spending the 4th of July? I said, I'm spending the 4th of July in Healdsburg. Well, Healdsburg is very nice. But Bolinas. It's my favorite place. Well, where are you spending the Fourth of July? I said, I'm spending the Fourth of July in Healdsburg. Well, Healdsburg is very nice, but Bolinas is very nice. I'm like, oh, yeah, well, Bolinas is nice, but I can't go. Well, you should come.

I can't go. I'm going to be in Healdsburg. Well, if you want to be in Healdsburg, go ahead, but you'll never be. It's not as good as Bolinas. I love Bolinas. It's so beautiful. It's lovely. It's beautiful.

I see lots of great white sharks in the surface. I see shipwrecks. You see everything. Everything. Great. Another great impression. And another actress good in comedies, like Man with Two Brains and War of the Roses.

And on stage, we were both nominated the same year, 2005, for the Tony Award. She was nominated for Best Actress for Who's Evaded Virginia Woolf, and she was robbed. Yeah, same question to you. Besides Seinfeld, anybody ever bent out of shape by one of your impressions? I don't

think so. Was he bent out of shape? I've never heard anything from him about it. Yeah, no, I don't think, I don't remember anyone ever complaining. Well, we got the sense over the years that he wasn't thrilled about your impression back in the improv days. Here's one that came out in 1970.

I'm jumping around here. Oh, wait. That story, it's true. When Seinfeld was just another comic at the clubs, and he was struggling to get on like everyone else, when I would go on stage, I would do an imitation of him just to amuse the other comics and the waitstaff. And they'd be cracking up. The audience would be scratching their heads because he wasn't known.

And everyone would be sitting in the back, with the exception of Seinfeld, who would be pacing the bar saying, that doesn't sound anything like me. Why? Why haven't you been invited on Comedians in Cars getting coffee, Gilbert, if he isn't annoyed? Yeah, I get it. No further questions.

Yeah, no, that's it. They're like down the list now on the 780th comic from your era. Here's one from 1970 that I know you guys know. A Crow Haven Farm with Hope Lang. This ABC movie of the week. Remember, Gil? No.

About the Selma witch trials? No. The Selma witch trials? The Selma witch trials. Oh, vaguely. Vaguely. Yeah. Well, you know, that's interesting.

John Carradine was in it. The ABC movies of the week were great. You know, they did some great stuff. Yeah, absolutely. The Point. Sure. The Point. Yeah.

Gil, here's some other horror movies that came out that year, if these mean anything to you. Bird with the Crystal Plumage with Tony Musanti. Oh, yeah. House of Dark Shadows. Oh, yes. You talked about. And Blood on Satan's Claw.

75 years ago, Mario. What was it about. And Blood on Satan's Claw. 75 years ago, Mario. What was it called again? Blood on Satan's Claw. Are you sure? Was it nail polish? Here's one for both of you as long as we're doing anniversaries. This year, Mildred Pierce is 75. What do you mean?

Oh, Vida. I'd rather cut off my hand than hit you like that. Soon I was the best waitress in the country. And Gil, 75 this year, House of Dracula. Oh, House of Dracula. Yeah. Yeah, that's when it was time to give up. That's when they somehow found a cure for the Wolfman

that he doesn't turn into a werewolf anymore at the end. And it was so stupid. Was House of Dracula Christopher Lee? No, Lon Chaney Jr. John Carradine was Dracula. Chaney was the Wolfman. And Glenn Strange was Frankenstein. And as the mad scientist, Onslow Stevens.

Oh, my God. See, now that is amazing that you're an encyclopedia. So here's a pretty here's a classic horror movie with with some gay overtones, Mayor. Bride of Frankenstein. Oh, God. Yeah. Well, that well, who was his assistant? It was like,

James Whale. No, James Whale was definitely, but the guy that was Colin Clive. Oh, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Come on. The real gay one.

Oh, yeah. Ernest Messinger. Him. Yeah. Dr. Pretorius. That's where the gay shit was. Yeah. Right there.

Yeah. I remember when he's there and Ernest Thessinger and the, Karloff walks in and goes, friend. And he goes, Ben, I should certainly hope so. He's like the Island of Mr. Toys guy. Oh, and they say Ernest Thesinger, when he was waiting around the set, used to knit. And he referred to himself as that knitting bitch.

Did you ever see Gods and Monsters, Mario? Oh, yeah. With McKellen as James Whale? And Brendan Fraser was beautiful in that also very good i love that movie very good and lynn redgrave it's a it's a great movie it's a good book too here's two for you turning 80 this year oh god pinocchio and fantasia wow how about that you know i love you i know you're a disney guy hey everybody it's me jiminy cricket let's go come on let's go to player island come on let's get out of here before you turn into a piece of ass come on um yeah i love jiminy cricket he's my favorite i pinocchio i have disney plus you know

yeah um but i'm a little pissed off because where's the happiest millionaire and where's the one and only original family band and where where is Make My Music? What the fuck? Two John Davidson movies. Yeah, I know. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. I have happiest millionaire on my DVR from Turner Classics. Did we connect you to John?

No, I've never met him. You guys would love each other. I saw him in Cohesit one time. He's the best. I love him. Yeah, so Pinocchio and Fantasia too, huh? Yeah, both of them. And John Davidson was putting off doing this show for the longest time.

And then finally he agreed to do it and he loved doing the show. I heard he loved it. Frank said he loved, loved, loved it. I'm going to introduce you guys. Everyone's afraid of you. No one wants to be in your presence because you're too funny. Although I don't give a fuck because I don't think you're funny at all. I, I, you know that's not true.

Oh, you know that's not true, Christina. But yeah, I want to meet John Davidson. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. Gilbert, I don't know if we've discussed this in any of your previous visits, but Gilbert was famously, as we've discussed, invited by the late, great Robert Osborne

onto TCM, to The Essentials. Yes, that was... To pick five films. That was such a treat. As a guest programmer? Yes, yes. Well a guest programmer? Yes. I did that too. I did it in 2005 or 2006.

What did I pick? Yeah, do you remember? Mr. Skeffington. I picked A Woman's Face with Joan Crawford. I picked Meet Me in St. Louis. And I forget the other ones. Mine were Freaks, Todd Browning's Freaks. Oh, of course it was.

Weren't you in that? What? Yes. The Conversation. Oh, wow. Good one. The Original of Mice and Men with Cheney and Burgess Meredith. The original of Mice and Men with Cheney and Burgess Meredith. Yes.

And a very strange film, The Swimmer with Burt Lancaster. Oh, I know that film. Joan Rivers is in it. Yes. That's right. She has one scene by the pool. Oh, my God. That's amazing. He looks great in that, in his little shorts, swimming in that pool.

He's adorable. Did you know, has Gilbertbert has gilbert revealed on any previous episodes too that he spent a little time in the company of the great katherine hepburn yeah he didn't it was at the broadhurst theater i got a job uh you know at the concession stand and katherine hepburn would come in come in before the show before the audience was allowed in walk around the theater for her exercise and she talked to us do you remember what the show what show she was doing it was matter of gravity I saw it in Boston before she came to Broadway with Christopher Reeve right it wasn't very. Yeah. Christopher Reeve was in it too.

And I remember she liked for us to open the doors before the audience was there to air out the theater. And one time we used to do it. One time we were all talking to each other before she showed up. And she sees the doors are

locked and she screams out in the theater, that doors are locked and she screams out in the theater, the doors are locked, morons. Who was saying recently, some movie that she did, maybe it was, I don't know, but she was tough. She would tell everybody off. If she didn't like something, she would say it. Why are the doors closed?

Open the doors, you stupid morons kill you liked her though uh yeah yeah i bet she was a hell of a lady and and i remember one it was like the night of the academy awards or something and i was sitting there to watch the Academy Awards. And I get a call that all of us from the theater who did the concession, who took, were invited to her house. She was having a little party. And I went to her house in Turtle Bay. Get out. You went to her house?

Yeah. I was at her house. How about that? Yeah. You know. That is amazing oh then everything you drank all the booze and ate all the peanuts i remember you what about lauren bacall speaking of legends and you got to befriend her i knew her pretty well well did you do your impression in front of her? I don't think, I did tell her.

When the first time I met her, I told her that I said, I used, I said, I do an impression of you. I met her after doing, Phyllis Newman did this thing for the Actors Fund, the Women's Health Initiative, which is part of the Actors Fund, every year called Nothing Like a Dame. And it was mostly female performers. And I would do it almost every year.

And I would sing and do a little comedy, whatever. So I met her at John's Pizza, two years in a row that we hung out. And I remember the first time I said, I do you and she goes, you do? I said, yeah, I used to do. And I'd be like, I'm Laura McCall and here I am in Woman of the Year

with my handsome co-star Harry Guadino and then she went oh Harry I said is he dead she went is he dead he died and I used to sit at her feet and ask her questions and Hal Prince's may he rest peace, the great Hal Prince and Judy Prince, who I love and adore. I used to sit at his, at her feet and ask her, you know, tell me, you know, I asked her, want to know about Bogie? Well, Bogie wasn't an alcoholic. He just loved to drink.

Ha ha! No, just like, you know, I asked her, I asked, when you're around someone like that, you ask questions. Of course. You want to know stories. I remember working with Morgan Fairchild, who was a lovely woman.

And she had worked with like Betty Davis and Jimmy Stewart and a lot of TV movies. She kind of got those old stars when they were doing TV movies that she was part of. She said to me, I ask questions all the time. What did Shirley MacLaine say when she was doing In Her Shoes with Toni Collette and Cameron Diaz she

said none of them asked me any questions she said if I was with me I would ask fucking questions why would they not want to know what my life was and Jane Fonda said it too she said Meryl was one of the only ones that asked her questions when they first worked together in Julia she said let me the quote that Jane Fonda had was to the young kids, it's better to be interested than be interesting, which is the truth. Fuck these millennials. Gil, when you're around, and Gilbert just spent some time with William Shatner.

When you're around these people, Gilbert, and you've been in the company of people like that and Jerry Lewis, do you ask questions? Do you want to hear the stories? Yeah, I definitely. I mean, Catherine Hepburn would tell us stories, and it was what was so great with her is she'd talk about them first person and go, well, Spence, I used to.

He would talk with Jimmy. And then you go, oh, my God. You know, it's like James Cagney and Spencer Tracy or Jimmy Stewart. And then she would talk how she met Groucho once. Yeah. She said how Spencer Tracy and Grouch mox played a trick on her so she she she told you a lot of stories and and and then she kicked you out of the house oh yes get out it's late i've got to go to bed uh here's one for both of you jeremy allison both mario and gilbert have teamed up

with the ramones yes on up all night and steam pipe alley in bizarre situations gilbert was the fifth ramone playing uh going to a golf range and playing volleyball and mario had a pie fight with joey and marky i did yes i'd love to know what their impressions were of the band you don't seem to have any memory of those i i remember i remember interviewing them i don't remember doing the pie fight thing but they were they weren't nice guys you know i wasn't a big you know new wave rock and roll fan even though my father owned a new wave rock and roll club in boston called cantones that a lot of the new wave bands played at the ramones didn't but i i just sat there and interviewed them they were boys. They were kind of, they were a little slow, like kind of not mentally. I mean, just kind of in their, you know, they move slowly.

There may have been pharmaceuticals involved. Yeah, I think so. Gil, your impressions, your memories of the boys? Yeah, also nice. And I remember that was one of those up all nights that everybody remembers who used to watch the show. Yeah. That's like a favorite.

But yeah, very nice, very easy to work with. Here's one from John. Hey, Mario, if there is a show, what show, if it ever made its triumphant return to Broadway, would you want to be in? Prisoner of Second Avenue. Really? Oh, wow.

And we did a reading for Elaine Joyce. It was directed by Cheryl Caller. It was me and Pam Adlon, and the Roundabout wanted to do it, but there was a whole rights issue with, if there's one Neil Simon play on Broadway, they can't do another one. It's a whole thing. I don't want to get into it, but it's annoying.

But they really tried to do it. But Plaza Suite was happening this year, which didn't end up happening. So in a way, but they wanted to do it this season. Thank God they didn't because we wouldn't have done it. I would love to see you in that. We did a reading of it, and it was great. Pam was great.

I was pretty damn good myself. It's a perfect role for me. I love that. I saw on broadway with my sisters do you remember who did it yeah peter falk and lee grant yep yep it was great yep i bet he was great both were great i bet i bet she was magnificent i love lee grant and i know her a little bit and who Joy Behar and I think she's lovely and magnificent and I was watching Shampoo I just watched The Landlord another movie from 1970 with and and um Lee Grant such a good movie and Diane Sands it was it's so good and Falk is always great I did a movie with him oh yeah I did a movie called three days to vegas it was me and taylor negron

we were like a gay taylor thelma and louise and may he rest in peace i got very close with taylor i love the guy terribly and he's he was he made me laugh so much that motherfucker he would oh he was just funny he was the sweetest person in the world the greatest i didn't even know he was sick i all of a sudden i was like? I don't think anyone did. No, but we did this movie called Three Days in Vegas. It was Rip Torn and Peter Falk

and me and Taylor playing the gay film in Louise. We would rob different restaurants and diners and then we ended up going off a cliff together. We drove off the cliff. The cliff was about like this high.

I got to find this. Yeah. Gil, same question. What classic Broadway show would you love to do? Wow. It's eight shows a week, by the way. Eight shows a week, Gil. That sucks.

He'd be waiting for the theater to burn down on show three. I just did it for a month. And again, at 60 years old, I hadn't done a run in so long. And it was in Seattle, but it was exhausting. The only time I really worked Broadway is when Rocky Horror was on Broadway. And they were doing like this gimmick to get people to the theaters. It was after September 11th.

So people weren't going. And so they had a week of different celebrities. No, it was a celebrity each week, a new celebrity and Dick Cavett did it. So I was the celebrity narrator. Oh, you did that? Yeah. And

I mean, I got laughs and all that, but I thought this is too much fucking work. It's a lot of work. Yeah. It's brutal. My first Broadway show was, I replaced Nathan Lane in Love, Valor, Compassion. It was a three hour play. It won the best play that year. It's an incredible play. But, and I would, that it's, it's, and that character was like the engine of the play it was exhausting and i was younger then it's hard and i love it so people like when are you going to do another one-man show i mean i've got it but it's exhausting do i want to do it will i make it through you know i was just supposed to do the carlisle again too and that got post-polled michael postponed. Michael McDonald was the week before me. You know,

I love Michael McDonald. And, and then it was me and Wayne Brady and we all got canned. Some more movies that are 50 years old, just for fun. Gil and Mario mash Patton. One of your favorites, Mario airport.

Oh, Gilbert. What? Beneath the planet of the apes. Oh, my husband loves the planet of the apes oh my husband loves the planet of the apes kelly's heroes uh quacks her fortune has a cousin living in the bronx oh with gene gene wilder lovers and other strangers i love on a clear day hey buzz blow i love that movie i love that score oh yeah with when he just died no no no he didn't die what is that george seagull and yeah ge that? George Segal and Ron Liebman. Yeah. George Segal, Ron Liebman.

Ruth Gordon. What? Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah. Rosemary. Drink this pudding. Also, five easy pieces, Gil.

Yep. You love that movie, Gil. Oh, yeah. Nicholson. And the Out of Towners. That's a great movie. Another great Neil Simon. Yeah, boy, was he on sandy dennis

thought that movie is magnificent i think jack lemon may be my favorite movie star for my money i agree if you go if you look over the years i mean and and and i love math out but if you nobody could do as many things as jack lemon could do. And when he was so funny and, you know, when he played characters that had that angst, you know, no one was better at it. It was so grounded in reality and yet so funny. And how many times can you watch The Apartment without getting tired of it? Isn't it just perfection? What is that? That is a movie that is 60 this year.

60 years old. Yeah. We're getting old. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Please stop bringing this up. So here's another one, Mayor. As we were talking on the phone, that turned 50 this year. You just alluded to it.

Puff and Stuff. Wow. First of all, Puff and Stuff, they did 17 episodes then they did the movie in 1970 was starring martha ray yeah boss witch mama cast was witch hazel yes and she had this great number in it that i actually sing at the carlisle that i wrap around another one of her numbers but so um and it's one of them and billy billy hayes playing witchy poo jack wilde it's just a great although the voice of puffin stuff was different in the movie than it was in the series it's bothered you're a purist to know that yeah it's freddie the flute

yeah but but there's a great song called different that mama Cass saying, I forget who wrote it. I'll look it up. Yeah. I, I, I, I, I know who it is. It's.

Oh shit. Anyway. All right. So do you want to hear that? We do. We want you to take us out on it. Let's take us out on the song. Okay.

Hold on. This is, this is a, this is a great song and it's, you know, you'll recognize they're both mama Cass songs. One. You'll know one. You probably never heard unless you saw the movie buffalo so here we go

nobody can tell you there's only one song worth singing. They may try and sell ya, but it hangs them up to see someone like you. But you gotta make your own kind of music, sing your own special song. When I was smaller and people were taller, I realized that I was different. I had a power that set me apart. I learned to take it, to use it, to make it It's not so bad to be different To do your own thing and do it with heart Different is hard, different is lonely Different is travel, far are you only Different is heartache, different is pain But I'd rather be different than be the same Are you only different is heartache, different is pain

But I'd rather be different than be the same At first I wondered what hex I was under What did I do to be so different Then I discovered some others like me Wondered longer, together we're stronger It's not so bad to be different Be true to yourself That's what you must be

Different is hard Different is lonely Different is trouble for you only Different is lonely, different is trouble, 30-40 Different is heartache, different is pain But I wouldn't be different than be the same You're gonna be knowing The lonely is kind of lonely It may be tough going

Just to do your things The hardest thing to do But you gotta Make your own kind of music Sing your own special song Make your own kind of music Even if nobody else sings along Even if nobody else sings along Wow.

Arranged by Jerry Dixon. So you basically put those two songs together. Make Your Own Kind of Music was Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil. And Gilbert, the composer of Different, will be kicking ourselves, podcast guest Charles Fox. Oh, that's... Oh, my God! He was here. Okay, by the way,

he wrote the whole score to that movie. He did. And now you're not only going to meet John Davidson, you're going to meet Charlie. And let me tell you something about Charlie Fox.

That score is so fucking good. The Puffin stuff score. He's really good. Great talent. Charlie Fox wrote the soundtrack to this terrible, you know, teen sex comedy with Scott Baio and Willie Ames. Oh, yeah. I remember that. And Heather Thomas.

Oh, my God. And Owen, I think. What's his name? The black guy. Scatman Crothers. That's right. I'm glad you came up with them because they all look alike to you. But I knew when Charlie Fox came here, I knew the entire score.

I saw that and I love the score. What was it called again, that movie? Zapped. Zapped. Zapped. Yeah. I sang, and he says the only people who knew the music to Zapped were me and the people of the Philippines. That's true.

Mario, I'm going to send you that episode. I want to hear it. And, you know, ironically, Puff and Stuff, the movie was going to be called Puff and Stuff Zap the World. And there's a song in the movie called Zap the World that the witches sing. Bizarre. Wow. Bizarre.

He's a great guy. I love him. He wrote the wonderful Roberta Flack song that they use in About a Boy, Killing Me Softly. Oh, he wrote that? The late Norman Gimbel. Wow. Yeah, he wrote some wonderful songs.

And I think Norman Gimbel and him both wrote Puffin stuff. And a lot of classic TV themes like Love American Style and Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley and Wonder Woman. He did like, you know, a medley of his TV themes. Yeah, he's a terrific guy we're gonna send you that one and send him that cut i want to hear i absolutely will i'm probably the only person in the world that still sings different and and tell him uh that he has to come back on this show but just for me to sing ready or not okay we're gonna bring charlie back you're gonna sing ready or not and

mario's gonna sing different with Jerry. Because I already sang King and Queen of Hearts from Zap. And, oh, what was the other? Gilbert does the whole Scott Baio canon. Gotta believe in magic. So was it a musical, Zapped? No, it just had songs like any movie has songs. So it was a movie with music. It was a teen comedy. Yeah, it had to do with

Scott Baio has telekinesis and he ripped girls' clothes off. Well, that's why you liked it. Yeah, but no, it failed. They have Heather Thomas, who has the greatest body,

the greatest man-made tits in the world and that she had a body double. That's sacrilege to you, Gilbert. She didn't want to show it. She didn't want to show her tits. I think she was on Steam Pipe Valley, Heather Thomas. She may have been.

We've come full circle from Jack Wilde to Scott Baio in this 90-minute episode. This was a lot of fun. This was great. We want to shout out the talented Jerry Dixon. You're a wonderful songwriter, your partner in crime. He is a terrific talent. I know we're in this crazy chaos, but is there anything to plug?

What's happening with Bliss? Bliss hopefully is going to come to Broadway when it opens. We're in a good position. They raised a lot of money and we did our out of town tryout and now we just going to come to broadway when it opens uh we're in a good position they raised a lot of money and you know we did our out of town tryout and now we just got to come in we'll see um i hope it does i i um i you know i'm i'm on the this season of better things which is on hulu the whole season's on hulu now oh not the full season yet because it's not done yet and um i'm on i'm on the seventh episode of the good fight on cbs all access so i did some work before this all hit the fan thank god still have my health insurance and let's let's promote these wonderful charities

again and we'll repeat to our listeners that that this is a special episode we are we are we've decided the three of us are now going to be known as the Quarantine Titans. That's right. Oh, yeah. And you can be Robin, Mario. All right. I'll be Robin. And let's promote these charities again.

So yours is? Minus the Actors Fund and Broadway Cares Equity Fights AIDS. The Actors Fund and Broadway Cares Equity Fights AIDS. The Actors Fund and Broadway Cares Equity Fights AIDS. So if you love this show, if you love Mario's appearances on this show, please, the money is desperately needed. Make a little donation or a large donation, even more preferable. And Gilbert, once again? Oh, mid-share.

If you go on my website, Gilbert, once again? Oh, MedShare. MedShare. If you go on my website, GilbertGodfrey.com, you could buy these masks, you know, the safety masks, with pictures of me on it, and the money goes to MedShare. MedShare. It supplies for hospitals. 100% of the proceeds and the profits go to MedShare. So if you love the amazing Colossal podcast, these are amazing charities. Please help these people.

The great Mario Cantone, you are fearless. Thank you, guys. It was awesome. Thank you for doing this. We want to thank John Murray. Gilbert, I love you. Thank you. Thank you, Jerry. And thank you, Gilbert. And thank you, Dara. And thank you, John. And thank you, Frank. Thank you, my friend. And thank you to all thank you Dara and thank you John and thank you Frank thank you my friend and thank you to all you little cocksuckers and I hope they love this one this was a special episode Christmas came early yeah but I'll see you at Christmas I hope so oh yeah thanks pal we love you to death. I love you too. Thank you. Bye-bye, everyone. When I was smaller and people were taller, I realized that I was different.

I had a power that set me apart. I learned to take it, to use it, to make it It's not so bad to be different To do your own thing and do it with heart Different is hard, different is lonely Different is trouble for you only Different is heartache, different is pain. But I'd rather be different than be the same. At first I'd wonder what hex I was under.

What did I do to be so different? Then I discovered some others like me. Wonder no longer, together we're stronger. It's not so bad to be different, be true to yourself, that's what you must be. Different is hard, different is lonely, different is trouble for you only. Different is heartache, different is pain, but I'd rather be different than be the same. is pain, but I'd rather be different than be the same. Different is hard, different is lonely, different is trouble for you only. Different is heartache, different is pain, but I'd rather be different than be the same.