Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini #149: Cheesy Action Movie Lines

Episode Date: February 1, 2018

This week: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper! "The Last Action Hero"! The "cinema" of Rainier Wolfcastle! And Gilbert and Frank salute the late, great Roger Moore! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Don't miss it. Perfect. I thought that was good. Perfect. Did you feel my passion? I did. Yes. Very much so.

I got a tear in my eye. Okay, I'm going to go because they're going to tow my car away. Thank you. Thank you. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And this is Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsessions. You've fallen off. Colossal Obsessions.

In the last couple of weeks. I'm back to being a co-host. A couple of weeks ago, I was life partner. Yes. No Paul Raybone this week. My male companion. Longtime companion. Yes.

A couple of weeks ago, I'm trying to figure out the timing of this, but we did an In Memoriam episode. Yes. Which was very well received. received, I might say. Some might say we even got sentimental and emotional towards the end. Yeah. For the people who thought we had no souls. Yes. Well, it doesn't mean we have any.

People who thought we were dead inside. But we forgot to mention Roger Moore. Yeah. And we know who Roger Moore is, and we did hear that he died. Before you start screaming at us too much. You know what's sad is I had Roger Moore on a card, and with all the shuffling of the cards during the show, just dropped him. Didn't get to him. For some reason, he found his way into the back of the pile.

Joe just dropped him. Didn't get to him. For some reason, he found his way into the back of the pile. So, a little bit about the late Roger Moore, who died at 89. In suspicious circumstances, I mean. I don't think it was suspicious circumstances. I found this great article in The Atlantic. I suspect drugs. You do?

Yeah. Cholesterol drugs. Statins got to him. There was a great article in The Atlantic, actually, called Roger Moore's Sultan of Self-Deprecation. And I wanted to, he was apparently a guy who was very good at making fun of himself, at laughing at himself. Did you know that? Yeah, well, he always came across that way in the Bond movies. Yeah.

It's like, he'd play it tough but there'd be kind of a wink to the audience always he says i played the same uh i love this he said there's no different my james bond wasn't any different to my saint or my persuaders we've talked about the persuaders oh yeah with tony curtis tony curtis a funny show right or any which was a bbc show Or anything else I've done. I've always just made everything that I play look like me and sound like me. And I love this line of Daniel Craig. He said, he looks like a killer, whereas I look like a decrepit lover.

He had a great sense of humor about himself. He did not take himself seriously. I love this, yeah. About himself. He did not take himself seriously. I love this, too. He said to Maureen Dowd, he was being interviewed, and he said he saw acting as being prepared to get up early, say your lines, and just don't trip over the furniture. Which I kind of like, too. Did you know this? I found this fun trivia about Roger Moore. He was on the show Maverick. Remember the show Maverick with James Garner? Yeah. He was on the show Maverick.

Remember the show Maverick with James Garner? Yeah. He was on it? Yes. He played his – he played – they didn't say he was British. He retained his accent, but they claimed that he was a Texan. Ah, okay. And that he simply picked up some British mannerisms after

a few years overseas. I love, we should do an entire show where it's the excuses Oh, that's a good idea. Something that the audience is questioning. That's a good idea. Or do just an episode of

actors with terrible accents. Oh, yeah. With terrible, unconvincing accents. Like Michael Caine, great actor, but in that Cider House Rules. Was he playing a New Englander? Yeah. Yeah. And I was going, what accent is that exactly? How about Kevin Costner's accent in Robin Hood?

Oh, excellent. That goes in and out for two hours. From valley boy to British. Did you ever hear of a Roger Moore movie called Folks with two Fs? F-F-O-L-K-E-S. I remember looking at a poster where it was spelled, but I have no idea of anything about it. I dug it up while I was doing a little Roger Moore research. And it's interesting to us because David Hedison was in it.

The Fly? Yes. Anthony Perkins was the villain, and your favorite, James Mason, was in it. Wow. And I think they changed the title, but it was an attempt to cast him against the Bond type. So he played, listen to this,

an eccentric, bearded, cat-loving, misogynist, counterterrorism expert. Okay. Rufus Excalibur Folks. I remember it being fun. I remember seeing in the early days of cable. He's fun in the Cannonball Run stuff, too. He's fun making fun of himself, making fun of his image.

And one of the last things I saw him in was, okay, just make sure the check clears, Spice World. Oh, yes. He was in Spice World. Yeah. He was also in Boat Trip with Horatio Sands and Cuba Gooding. Oh, jeez. Yeah. He actually got good notices for that.

Yeah. But he did a bunch of those, like, give me my check. Yeah. And then he was in, like, I think at least one Cannonball Run. He's in, I think, one. Yeah. Maybe the second one, I want to say. But I could be wrong.

You know, Al Ruddy, the Cannonball Run producer, is around. We've got to get him. Oh, yeah. He produced The Godfather and Hogan's Heroes. Let's not rush on that. Well, I have Gino on it. Yes. So we can recommend The Persuaders to people who haven't seen it with Roger Moore and who?

Roger Moore and Tony Curtis. And Bernie Schwartz? Yeah. In fact, on The Persuaders, the one thing I remember perfectly, they're in a hotel lobby. Oh, that in-joke, yeah. Yeah, and they start saying, paging Bernie Schwartz, which was Tony's real name. A good gag. Here's the last thing about Roger Moore.

Also, somebody who passed away this year is actor Clifton James. Oh. Why is that significant? Wait a minute. Oh, can I say one more thing about Roger Moore? Yeah. And this is something that's just like a personal thing that sticks in my mind. I remember sitting in the living room and I was sitting on the couch watching a movie on TV

and my mother was in the kitchen and she said, who's that on the TV? And I said, Roger Moore. And she said, oh, he has a nice voice. That's a memory. Yeah. And you retain that. Yeah. That's nice.

That stuck with me. Did she ever say that about you? No. In fact, when they said, do you have any sons, she said, no. Didn't really come to that. Yes. Clifton James, I'll tell you why I brought him up. He played Sheriff J.W. Pepper in two of those Bond movies.

He was the redneck sheriff. It's that British secret agent. He's in Live and Let Die, and he's in The Man with the Golden Gun. Do's that British secret agent. Oh, geez. He's in Live and Let Die, and he's in The Man with the Golden Gun. Do you have any memory of this character? No, no. Yeah, have you seen those movies recently? Not recently, no.

Yeah, he's a southern sheriff on vacation with his wife, and he keeps bumping into James Bond. He passed away, too. I thought the timing was interesting. You know what's funny with the Bond movies is Sean Connery, I love to watch him. I mean, he's like the greatest James Bond. But the movies themselves seem slow. You know, when you go back and you watch them, they are slow.

Yeah. Do you watch the Craig ones? Do you watch the new ones? I haven't seen any of the Craig ones. Those move pretty quickly. The Skyfall and Spectre and Casino Royale is the best one. Can recommend those to you. Yeah.

I saw one Craig movie where he played a Jew. That was not it. That was not it. I will lend those to you. I will lend you the newest Bonds. Forget about Quantum of Solace, but watch the other ones. But, yeah, we went back. My wife and I went back and did a marathon of Dr. No and From Russia With Love.

And they have wonderful moments. Yeah. And great set pieces and the John Barry music. And there's so many wonderful things in them, but they're a little dry. Yeah. And a little slow. And it's like, you like looking at him. Sean Connery's certainly great to watch.

Yeah. But the movies themselves, the pacing. You think that's because we're used to a different pacing now with action pictures? Oh, definitely. Nobody was complaining about that in 62 or 63. Well, it's kind of like how they talk about what MTV did to viewing. We're going to get shit now from the Bond people. How dare you diss those Connery pictures?

Yeah, they're good. They're good. Yeah. I can watch some of the more pictures. I don't ever need to see View to a Kill or Octopussy. Oh, yeah. Again. And even The Spy Who Loved Me, which is considered the best one, is pretty clunky.

Yeah. It's almost like a Matt Helm episode. It's almost like a Bond parody at this point. With a little time left, a fair amount of time left, let's go through the Speaking of Action movies.

I thought we could have a little fun. This is Eric Conner. Listener Eric Conner submitted a producer of the month idea, which you guys can do by going to Patreon

slash Gilbert Gottfried and do the same. You can suggest a show idea. He suggested action movie lines. Oh, this is cheesy lines from action movies with a hero says it. Yes. Most almost entirely said by the hero. See now.

Now, this is the thing we got to learn with movies. We got to learn with movies. If the villain is about to kill the hero, he has to do a long speech explaining how he planned this crime, how he committed it, how he's going to get away with it. Right. And how much pleasure he will get out of killing the hero. That's very Goldfinger. That's what comes to mind. And then, of course, the hero is given loads of time to figure out how to get away from, how to kill the villain.

Yeah. If the hero is going to kill the villain, it's like he has a gag writer that writes him a funny line well here's one since we're talking about bond um can you can you tell me which uh which bond movie this comes from i'll give you the setup um bond is bond and domino are interrupted by a by a heavy with a pistol and his hand shooter is no match for Bond's big spear gun. And once Bond dislodges the spear gun, which pins the guy to a tree, through his chest, what does Bond say?

Oh. You know this one? It's not mine's bigger than yours. I think he got the point. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So there's a perfect example. Oh, yeah. I'm getting these, by by the way from a website called complex.com um and a writer named matt barone b-a-r-o-n-e well it's kind of

like what was that movie with schwarzenegger which a pipe and then he goes he's letting off steam you know that was parodied on the simpsons oh yeah an actor i think was rainer wolf castle oh yeah who plays radioactive man and i i think it's shearer I want to say it's Harry Shearer doing a Schwarzenegger voice. And it's nothing but cheesy action movie lines. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. At Miele, our partner is the planet. Our appliances use less water and energy and are tested to last for 20 years of use. That's the ultimate form of sustainability.

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And now back to the show. Here's a Schwarzenegger one. Probably a movie you didn't see, but do you know this line? Hey, you want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres. A-C-H-E-R-S, like causing an ache. Oh. I wonder if our listeners will know what this is from.

It's a terrible line. It's a terrible pun. Yeah. It comes from the movie The Last Action Hero. Wow. The one I just brought up. See, The Last Action Hero. Wow. The one I just brought up. See, The Last Action Hero, it's funny. I watched it again recently.

It was on TV. And it could have been so much better. Almost a career killer. It was so poorly received. Yeah. I mean, the premise written by other people could have been great, but it just didn't work. Okay, here's another one. Schwarzenegger is strangling a guy with barbed wire, and he says... Oh, no.

This is from the movie The Running Man. Yeah. What is the line that he says? Have you seen The Running Man? No. With Richard Dawson? No. Oh, yes. This is from the movie The Running Man. Yeah. What is the line that he says? Have you seen The Running Man? No. With Richard Dawson? No. Oh, yes, I did.

I did. Once you said Richard Dawson. What's an action movie without Richard Dawson? Yeah, yeah. And the line is, what a pain in the neck. Oh, Christ. Christ, these are bad lines. Who writes this copy?

Here's another one. Christ, these are bad lines. Who writes this copy? Here's another one. This is Steven Seagal playing a character named Mason Storm in the movie Hard to Kill. The line is, I'm going to take you to the bank, Senator, to the blood bank. Oh, Christ. Do you know any of these? No, no, no.

And I'm such an expert on Seagal movies. I know the rumor for a while was that his real name was Steven Seagal. Is this true? That was a rumor, but it wasn't true. He's been in the news lately. Yeah. For some not so flattering things. You might know this one.

This is Sylvester Stallone, and it's from a 1986 movie. I won't give you the title. The tagline, not the tagline, the cheesy action movie line is, You're a disease, and I'm the cure. Remember this one? I remember that line. Our listeners are shouting these. Judge Dredd. No, that's in here, too. I think there's a Judge I remember that line. Our listeners are shouting these. Judge Dredd.

No, that's in here. That's in here, too. I think there's a Judge Dredd line I can find. No, it's from the movie Cobra. Oh, okay. Where he played Marion Cobra Cobretti. And this writer says sometimes the best movie lines, one-liners, are the simplest ones. So that's a pretty simple one.

Boy, was that a bad movie. Here's another one. Are you familiar with a movie called They Live, a John Carpenter movie? Oh, was that the one with the wrestler? Yes, Rowdy Roddy Piper. Okay, I'm going to say the line right now. Okay, we found one you know. I came here to kick ass and chew gum, and I'm all out of gum.

You got it. You got it backward, but we'll give it to you. It's I've come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum. You have seen this picture. Yes. You have seen They Live. Yes. Tell me the plot of They Live.

Okay. Which I have never seen. He finds a pair of glasses. Okay. That he can spot. He could see these aliens who have human faces without the glasses. Okay. With the glasses, you see their alien faces,

and you could see on billboards and ads that there's all these alien messages. Oh, they're among us. They're concealing themselves among us. Right. I got to see it. I got to see it. I like John Carpenter. Yeah.

Yeah. But, yeah, I remember. And then there's one scene he meets up with this big black guy and they have a disagreement. So they have a big, long fight scene because, you know, you got to make use of the fact that he's Roddy Roddy Piper. Right. Of course. So you're right in a scene where they're throwing each other and flipping each other over. Are you, generally speaking, an action movie guy? No. Don't you just watch them if they come on cable? Yeah, if they come on cable. Okay.

Here's a couple of more Schwarzeneggers. There's about 25 on this list, and most of them, surprise, are Schwarzenegger. Here's another one. A movie called Predator from 1987. It's a very popular movie. Yeah. Let's see. Do you know the line?

I didn't see Predator. Okay. The line is, if it bleeds, we can kill it. Yeah. You've heard that one too. I've heard the line. How about Total Recall with Schwarzenegger and Sharon Stone? Do you know what is considered the most memorable cheesy action movie line from that one?

Oh, it's not. I want a divorce. Yes. Yes. You got it. You got it. He shoots Sharon Stone after she says, be reasonable. After all, we're married.

And he says, consider that a divorce. How you remember these? How about, are you familiar with a Denzel Washington movie called Man on Fire? Oh, vaguely. In which he is a CIA op tasked with protecting a nine-year-old girl played by Dakota Fanning. Do you know this one? Yeah.

I kind of like this one. Forgiveness is between them and God. It's my job to arrange the meeting. You understand? He's going to bring them to... A little too poetic for my taste. It's a little heady. A little too poetic for your taste. I's a little heady. A little too poetic for your taste.

I think they should have added where there's a pause and he goes, you got to think about it. How about this one? Are you familiar with a Carl Weathers movie called Action Jackson? Yes. Right after Rocky. Yep. They wanted to make him into a star in his own right.

And okay. Well, I know this one where he jumps on a car and goes, now I gotcha. Yeah, that's not it. No. This is a scene where he incinerates a bad guy with a bazooka and says,

you ready for this? Okay. How do you like your ribs? Fire grilled? Oh. Look at your face. See, there should be a scene where the villain goes, is that supposed to be funny? Yeah, just stops the movie and it's tracks.

How about Always Bet on Black? Oh, that was Yes, yes, yes Wesley Snipes Very good But I forget the name of the movie But it was Wesley Snipes Passenger 57

Oh, okay You were in Passenger 57 Gets the Kosher Meal Yeah Which was the lesser known That was you and Jackie Mason, right? Ah, yes. Lesser seen action picture. Let's see.

Let's see. Let's see. One more, and then we'll have you. Are you familiar with Black Dynamite? That name sounds very familiar. It was Michael J. White. Michael J. White or Michael Jai White. I think it's J.

I have no idea what this means. Donuts don't wear alligator shoes. He says after he shoots down a bad guy wearing a huge donut costume. Do you understand that? Nope. Completely out of context. Yeah. Have you seen the movie Machete with Danny Trejo?

Oh, I think so. How about Shaft? Oh, Shaft, definitely. Okay. In the movie Shaft, and we should get Richard Rowntree on the show. Yeah. There's a line where he says, I'm trying to find the context here. Don't let your mouth get your ass in trouble does that one ring a bell i i mean it's vaguely familiar but another one of those lines that goes is that even a line i mean it's like does that even count okay last last but not least we'll do uh chuck norris in missing in action three okay by the, I was doing research on future guests. By this point, we may have had him. I don't know what the

sequence is. The great M. Emmett Walsh. And he's in Missing in Action 1. And it's one of those movies where they don't really bother making the stuntman resemble the actor. So in the long shots, there's a guy, there's a stuntman on a boat with Chuck Norris who's got to be 50 pounds, 60 pounds lighter than Emmett Walsh and 20 years younger and looks nothing like him.

I had brought up the Bond movie before we were talking about A View to a Kill. There are some scenes in A View to a Kill where it's so bad because Moore is old at that point. Moore is long in the tooth. And it looks absolutely nothing like Roger Moore. It doesn't look like there was an attempt made. I think we talked about it when he was on the show. I appeared in some crappy episode of a TV show with Jackie the Joke Man. Oh, yeah.

Wasn't that CSI? Oh, no. Oh, it was one of those late, like a Silk Stockings kind of thing. Yeah, it was one of those when, like, they had the Paramount Channel and Warner Brothers. Right. And they were all, like, coming up with these new shows that would last for a day. You did CSI, what, with Jeff Ross?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I got confused. But this one was, I think it was called The Watcher. Okay. And they had us, we get into a fight, me and Jackie the Joke Man, and all of a sudden there are these two guys, they're like seven feet tall and barrel-chested, and they're like doing this this drag-out fight.

Oh, and the stuntman. Yeah, yeah. It was like no way in hell. It's got to be hard to find a stuntman that resembles you. Am I incorrect? And I remember Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop 3. Okay. Where he's like, well, also in 2 where he's climbing on a truck.

And then in 3 he's climbing on a Ferris wheel where you go, no, that's not him. For one thing, he's Chinese. Oh, yeah. Look at View to a Kill. Look at the Bond scene. There's one point there's a car chase and the top of a car is shaved off. Yeah. And the guy in it looks not even slightly like Roger Moore.

And that's when you knew it was time to call it a day. They might as well have had a hand puppet for Roger Moore. Can I find this episode with you and Jackie, by the way? It was time to call it a day. They might as well have had a hand puppet for a hundred months. On the... Can I find this episode with you and Jackie, by the way? I'm sure you can. It's not worth watching. Let's put this out to our listeners to find this. What do you think the title was?

Oh, I just know the title of the series was The Watcher, and it was some rapper who was the host of it okay and it was a bad show okay speaking of so thank you to uh thank you to the uh author of that piece um and thank you to uh i gave his name before before i'm searching through my pages hang on we can trim this out matt Matt Barone from Complex.com. You did so-so on the cheesy action movie lines. I would say you knew about half, which isn't bad. Let's try something fun to go out.

These are some classic action movie lines. And I thought we could... It's a little bit of a what-if. This is the clunky comedy premise. I think it might go, I'll cue you. Oh, okay. I think it might go something like. Yeah.

So we've turned into Rich Little. Yes. What if you do the first line from Cool Hand Luke? What if it was Buddy Hackett? What if it was Buddy Hackett? What we got here is a value to communicate. I love it. I love it.

What about the second one? What about number five? What if that was Walter Matthau? Oh, this? Yeah. It was Walter Matthau. Oh, yeah. If can I ask you one question? Do I feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?

I'd like to see Walter Matthau in Dirty Harry. Okay, how about six, the one right after it is James Mason. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. This cheesy premise is working. How about number 10 with

Tony Curtis? Say hello to my little friend. It's like bad SCTV. And last but not least, we'll do number 12 as Vincent Price. Okay. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. I think it works.

That is so cheeseball. The comedy piece is almost as clunky and as awkward as some of those movie lines. Oh, yeah. These are the best of the best, by the way. The ones that you're holding in your hand are considered the absolute cream of the crop. Do you know any of these? I never broke the law.

I end the law. Yeah. That's the one you wanted from Judge Dredd. Yes. You mentioned Judge Dredd before. Oh, and this number four is like, that's something from your act. You do that Liam Neeson bit. Oh, that's right.

Right. Don't you do that? I will look for you. I will find you and I will kill you. Right. But what you do that? I will look for you. I will find you, and I will kill you. Right. What's the bit you do with Neeson? I just saw Liam Neeson's latest film. It's his 50th film where his daughter gets kidnapped.

And don't you do the accent? Oh, yes. Yeah, where he's on the phone with the kidnappers going, give me me daughter back. I know where you're hiding because I hear an ant walking on the ground. Give me me daughter back and give me me lucky charms. That's it. That's it.

All right. You know these other ones? You got to know this. Attica, Attica, of charms. That's it. That's it. All right. You know these other ones? You got to know this. Attica Attica, of course. Oh, yeah. I feel the need for speed. Make my day the Dirty Harry ones. Get off my plane from Air Force One.

And Point Break I've never seen is the last one on the list. It's not tragic to die doing what you love. So thank you for the premise, Mr. Eric Conner. Gilbert did so-so. Yeah. But the impressions made the piece worth it. And have you ever had a line that you've been given in a script in a movie where you've actually stopped and said, do I really have to say this?

If you've seen any movies I've been in, obviously not. One line you've never heard me say is, no, this is beneath me. Why did I know the answer to my question before I asked it? All right. Why did I know the answer to my question before I asked it? All right. So thank you to Eric Conner for this week's premise for Patreon. And what do you think?

And this has been Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsession. Gilbert and Frank's Colossal Obsession. Gilbert and Frank's Colossal Obsessions Colossal Obsessions