Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini #175: Gilbert Sings!

Episode Date: August 2, 2018

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TD Insurance advisor to learn more. Insurance should be too. Contact a licensed TD Insurance advisor to learn more. I'm Gilbert Gottfried. I'm here once again with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, for another edition of Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsessions. And we're once again joined by flypaperless... What? ...Graybone.

What? That doesn't make sense. He won't use flypaper. He's in a religion that forbids the use of flypaper. What are you, Marcel Duchamp? This is turning to Donna-ism. Cubist flypaper. What the hell are you talking about? I can't even follow the show.

You know, the odd thing is, nobody knows that. I have never used flypaper. There were so many other body parts for you to work your way through. He could have been lungless, earless, ankylless. You go to flypaper and asterisk? Flypaper and asterisk. It doesn't even make any sense. He's a pathetic individual.

How's that red wine, Gil? You don't know how I struggle to get here every week. Especially with the flies attacking you. That's what he hears Every second of his life How would you like 50 years of that? Wow This show has ceased to make any sense to me Here we go

We're doing a mini You probably caught on from the title We do a little thing on Patreon. Gilbert's just staring at me like, what the fuck? Gilbert, you're cut off. I'm taking that wine. We do a little thing from Patreon from our guests called Gilbert Sings. Where we're guests.

What am I saying? We're listeners, not guests, where listeners suggest songs that they want Gilbert to sing. And by the way, we're going to have to open that door because it's so hot in here that I'm starting to fade. I just started noticing that. Can you crack that thing? Yeah, if I can get there. Yeah, and I'll break this. Yeah, it's turning into a sweat box in here.

Like Steve Lawrence and the Blues Brothers. Thank you. And what makes it worse. You've got to either crank the air or leave that open because we're fading. Yeah. It feels good in here. I'll open the door. Thank you.

We'll edit that. Okay. Yeah. So what makes it worse is Raybone doesn't have any pores. So he can't sweat. Oh, my God. You don't know how hot it is in here. He's poreless.

Poreless. Poreless. From an Edgar Allan Poe family. No pores. The man has no pores. Edgar Allan Poe. As I was saying, our listeners occasionally will go to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried.

Yes. Which we invite them to do. And we take ideas for producer of the month. But you know, he gives us pores. This is just going to be silliness, isn't it? For a minute there, you slipped into your Madden A Idol voice. Did I?

It was good. Yeah, it was good. A little John Fazenda. The frozen tundra. Rambo field. They will occasionally suggest songs for Gilbert to sing. I was going to say that your version of Peter Lorre doing Goodbye Yellowbird Road went crazy. It went viral.

The kids loved it. They couldn't get enough of it the kids are there rock and roll the 45 version was flying off the shelves so now that the bar has been raised we're going to lower it again uh these are three suggestions from our listeners uh derrick her derrick her or her Huff Hines. Derek Her? Derek H-E-R-R, who I believe is the gentleman who also suggested that you do Peter Lorre covering Elton John. He has a request.

Uh-oh. And he would like you, this is what he wrote on Patreon. I would like to hear Gilbert sing my favorite things from The Sound of Music in the style of a young Jerry Lewis who doesn't know all the lyrics and then slips into mock Hebrew. Yeah. This is a fairly specific request. This is a very specific request. Do you think you can handle this? Yeah, I think that the Beatles used to do that.

Here we go. We're going to try this. It's going to be an abomination, but hopefully fun. Frankie, it's song number one. Gil, wait for your cue. Okay. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Raindrops and whiskers on kittens.

Bright copper kettles and wooden vials and brown paper and parsons with strings and the thing under my hood and a few things are my favorite things are a few of my favorite things. Graves are green-colored ponies and apples, doorbells and snitchel with white holes and everything. When the thing bites and the bees

all get seen and of my favorite And the bees shall And get saved And of my favorite And eat My Facts You want to try to get on meter this time? That's asking a lot. And poultry And poultry That's asking a lot. Raindrops on roses and roses on trees.

I've been an engine with a package of jams. And he's had a few of my favorite things. I've cream-colored portions with apple strudels, and he eats a plate of noodles, and he doesn't have a moon on his teeth. And even snowflakes and silver white winters that melt into springs Are a few of my favorite things When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad I simply remember my favorite things And then I not so bad. I heard cream-colored persons.

I heard bags of sand. Did you say that? You forgot to go into Hebrew. Yeah, yeah. He said schnitzel. That's pretty close. He said schnitzel. He didn't say, did you say kugel at one point? He said kugel.

I'm sorry to make you work so hard, but that was worth it. It just makes me think that, you know, thank God for Julie Andrews that she's not around to hear this. She's alive. Is she? Yeah. Julie Andrews? Yeah. Oh, so now we've killed Julie Andrews.

She's alive. Is she? Yeah. Julie Andrews? Yeah. Oh, so now we've killed her. She's killed Julie Andrews. She's with us. Okay, we could pretty much write off Julie Andrews doing it once Raybon killed her. You know, we asked Julie Andrews. Do you remember? Oh, yeah. When we were down at Tribeca? Yeah. We asked Julie Andrews, and she was very polite about it.

It was a scheduling problem. Can you imagine? You and I would have been sitting in front of an audience in a theater. With Mary Poppins. With was a scheduling problem. Can you imagine? You and I would have been sitting in front of an audience in a theater with Mary Poppins. We did get Barry Levinson though, and he was wonderful. Oh, terrific. He was great in The Sound of Music.

Also great. He was Liesel. Underrated. Thanks for killing off Julie Andrews. If she would have been dead, that would have been a real scheduling problem. Well, Rodgers and Hammerstein are dead. We're sure.

But Julie is with us. So is the great Christopher Plummer, whom I just had the pleasure to meet. Here's another one, Gil. That was fun. Hey, have we ever tried Christopher Plummer? No, I didn't approach him. But we could. I know his publicist. I think he... Think he'd do it? I didn't approach him, but we could. I know his publicist.

I think he... Think he'd do it? I don't know. He's fun. He was walking around the set telling jokes. Yeah, oh, that's good. Yeah. If not, I can probably get Roto-Rooter.

He, I, because he, I heard, and he admits he was like a jerk back then. He says how much he hated anything to do with sound of music. Oh, yeah. He's basically put it down for years. Yeah. Not him singing, by the way. That's his voice being looped.

Yeah, Julie Andrews, I believe, is the only main character actually singing. But then finally, he did say he was like, you know, kind of stuck up because he had been doing a lot of classic theater. Yeah, who's had a better career than him? Terrific career. And we talked about on this show, The Great Murder by Decree, in which he plays Sherlock Holmes. Yeah.

If you've not seen that film, watch it immediately. That's right up my alley there. With James Mason as Watson. That's a great one. Here's request number two. Oh, I remember that one. Yeah, yeah. Donald Suther up my alley there. With James Mason as Watson. That's a great one. Here's request number two. Oh, I remember that one. Yeah, yeah. Donald Sutherland's in it.

Is that where? Genevieve, Jean-Vivre Bijoux. Is that where James Mason is organizing his peas in a plate? Yeah, he's trying to scoop up, he's trying to spear a pea. And Plummer walks over and mashes it. Yes. And hands it to him you messed up my piece that's it that's it i had to log in and you messed up my piece it's a terrific movie

it's a mash-up really about holmes uh pursuing jack the ripper you know what was that directed by the the guy that made porkies of all people Bob Clark. You know who was a strange Holmes was Robert Duvall. He played Watson. Oh, Watson, I mean. He played Watson in, I believe, in The 7% Solution. Was that Nicole Williamson? Nicole Williamson. Yeah, yeah.

And he was Watson. Yeah, that was strange. That was very peculiar. I do like that movie. Yeah. That's a good movie. Yeah, written by Nicholas Meyer. Is Alan Arkin in that? No, Alan

Arkin is Freud. Yes. And Nicole Williamson is Holmes. Yeah. Is that right? I think so. 7% solution. Shall I double check? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's right. I think Joel Grey's in it. Yes. It check? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's right.

I think Joel Grey's in it. Yes. It's Moriarty, I think. Yeah. Oh, that's a good one. And there's a movie where I think... Haven't seen it in ages. I think Olivier plays Moriarty in some movie. Oh, God. Which one is that?

I'll have to get Raybone on that. Alan Arkin plays Freud, and Nicole Which one is that? I'll have to get Ray Bone on that. Alan Arkin plays Freud, and Nicole Williamson is Holmes in The 7% Solution. The other one was Olivier playing what? He played the villain. Moriarty. Oh, Moriarty. Yeah, but it's not that one. And in the one with Olivier, they make Moriarty like a sympathetic character.

Like, why don't I know this? He was a teacher that Sherlock Holmes just didn't like. I really should know this. And villainized him, but he really wasn't a bad guy. See Murder by Decree if you can, Paul. We talked about it. We did a whole mini episode. Oh, and then there was the, wasn't there a Sherlock Holmes with George C. Scott?

Maybe. That sounds right. There's a good one. There's a good comedy. The Holmes comedy with Michael Caine is fun. And Ben Kingsley as Watson. And the name of the damn movie just went out of my head. Is it without a clue?

It's fun. Let's do this other one, this other request while he finds Olivier as Moriarty. This is from Paul Ekstrom and he says, Hey guys, I think it'd be fun to hear the Beverly Hillbillies theme sung by John MacGyver.

Gilbert is groaning. If he wasn't drunk, he'd be turning down these requests uh you want to try this hi andy paul how's your research coming i'm coming i'll have something i'm coming i'm coming is this episode i don't know but since since you thought julie andrews was dead, I'm not confident. Just vamp for a while. Yeah, we'll vamp. Gil, what do you think of this? I'll try it. By the way, quickly, on my favorite things written by Rodgers and Hammerstein, the song finished at number 64 on AFI's 100 Years, 100 Songs, the top tunes in the history of American cinema, which is interesting.

And it was covered by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. Oh. Did you know that? Oh, we gotta get Herb Alpert. Herb Alpert would be great. He was on with Conniff and Fuglesang. So we talked about 7% Solution. Yeah. Is that the one with

Olivier? Laurence Olivier plays Moriarty. Son of a bitch. That's it. That's the one. And I think Fuglesang saying, which one was this? 7% Solution. And he made him a largely innocent man who a deluded Holmes is convinced is a criminal mastermind. Yes. I haven't seen that since the 80s and I've completely forgotten it. That Sherlock Holmes had who he didn't like.

Yeah, that's right. Good stuff. That only took you 45 minutes to find. Well, I'm proud of myself. Yeah. The Beverly Hillbillies theme is actually called The Ballad of Jed Clampett. Oh, okay.

And we're going to take a shot at this. And maybe you can John MacGyver it up a little bit. What do you think, Frank? What's the cue? Bubbling crude? Yeah, we'll see how Gilbert does. Here we go. Come and listen to a story about a band named Jed. Yeah, we'll see how Gilbert does. Here we go. And the person with the Bible, And he gets a round. Boy.

And the person with the. Okay. Wait, there's more lyrics. What happened to John MacGyver? How the hell did John MacGyver morph into Jerry Lewis? Well, they were both in Who's Minding the Store. There you go. So there you go.

It's a natural. That's good. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs.

19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In season three, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star.

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written by Paul Henning, who created all of those shows, who was kind of a genius, really. He created Green Acres and Petticoat Junction. So he was pretty shameless. He was pretty shameless and pretty rich. Let's see. The Beverly Hillbillies, during the original run of the show,

special lyrics, Gil, you'll like this, were written and inserted into the opening theme advertising regular sponsors such as Kellogg's Cereal and Winston Cigarettes. Oh. So they changed the lyrics, which is fun. Let's see. It is typically edited out of public domain releases of these episodes for reasons that are not explained here.

The musicians were, we always talk about how, no matter how bad the songs are, the musicians are always wonderful. Yep, yep. Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs. Oh, can't do better than that. Yeah. Let's see.

During the presidential campaign, the Bill Clinton presidential campaign, Saturday Night Live staged a spoof of the song, substituting Bill Clinton's name for Jed Clampett's. And Bela Fleck. Are you familiar with Bela Fleck? Bela Fleck, jazz banjo player. You bet. Often plays this ballad in concert.

How about that? I am Bela Fleck. You should meet Bela Fleck. Yes. By the way, I was going to send you an article. I don't know if it was MeTV or somewhere. Somebody, and I'll send it to you after this. I do the music.

I do the banjo. Somebody listed all the greatest Draculas. They rank the greatest Draculas. And Dracula Gottfried was nowhere to be found on the list. Oh, see, then it doesn't count. It's an outrage. You know what it's like? One time

they did an entire thing in a magazine, and I think it was a movie magazine, all the people who were Nixon. And they left out David Frye. And David Frye should have been

first. Maybe they meant people who were actors, who played Nixon. Yeah, but I think they included like Rich Liddle in it or something. Oh, my God. But David Frye. Dan Hedaya made a good Nixon in a movie called Dick. Yes. Yeah. But they, you know, they put in, so it wasn't movies because they put in Dan Aykroyd.

Oh, really? How do you leave David Frye out? Insane. That's bizarre. That's when you read these articles and you go, this person doesn't know. Right, right.

Well, they're often written by young people. There is a missing verse from the Ballad of Jed Clampett. Did you know this? No. Old Jed bought a mansion, lordy it was swank.

Next door neighbors, the president of the bank. Lot of folks complaining but the banker found no fault because all jed's millions was a sitting in the vault redemption funds stocks and bonds you know this existed it was never used in the show redemption funds stocks and yeah found this written by written by paul henning yeah and then then Fred Silverman came to CBS and canceled all of those Paul Henning shows. Oh. They got rid of all the corn pone.

Oh, wow. They got rid of Green Acres and Petticoat Junction. And what still always makes me laugh, because I believe this too, that this was like this totally different culture, this southern and little hillbillies and stuff. And then years later, you realize it was all Jews writing this stuff and Jews directing it. Right. Like Aaron Rubin and Sheldon Leonard putting Gomer Pyle on the air. Right.

Right. Right. All Jews. Yeah, they Pyle on the air. Right, right, right. All Jews. Yeah, they were putting on Hee Haw. All Jews all the time. Well, that shows the depth of the creativity. Yes, sir.

And the lone surviving cast member of the Beverly Hillbillies was a guest on this podcast, Max Baer Jr. Oh. Remember we had Jethro? Oh, of course. We talked to him from your apartment. That was a very strange day. Very peculiar. Good guy.

Here's the third and final song request. I almost feel like it's the Carson bit. This is the last envelope. You know what's nice with the Max Baer episode is we got to talk about how his father was treated unfairly in Cinderella Man. And then Bjerko called and talked to talk about how his father was treated unfairly in Cinderella Man. And then Bierko called and talked to him about it. Do you remember that? Yes. Because Craig played his father in the movie and felt guilty.

They just said, oh, he's the bad guy. Yeah. And he wasn't. I neglected to mention. Did I say Paul Ekstrom was the person who recommended the ballot? Yes, requested the ballot of. Here's the last one, Gil. This is from our friend Mason Wood.

And this may be the strangest request we've ever had for Gilbert's saves. The one that we started off with was pretty strange. My favorite things is Jerry Lewis? Yeah. I thought that was a nice Jerry tribute. Oh, yes. You did. I don't know how MacGyver morphed into Jerry Lewis, but fuck it.

Mason says, I'm feeling kind of 70s. I'm feeling 70s, and I want to hear Gilbert's interpretation. I think the world is ready for Gilbert's interpretation of Helen Reddy's I Am Woman. Okay. Just as me? Huh? Just as you. Ah. You don't have to work that hard. Just as me? Huh? Just as you. Ah.

So, you don't have to work that hard. As you as a woman. Yeah. So, I'll try not to morph into Jared. Hey, you never do. With all the impressions you do, you don't do any women in your act. And, you know, one day I'll have to do, when I was a kid, I used to imitate Carol Channing. You did?

She'd be on TV all the time. So when Mario's in here for the Christmas episode, I have to get you guys to do dueling Carol Channing? Carol Channing's still with us, by the way. Is that right? Pushing 100. Wow. She's been around. And she was in Skidoo.

Did Zsa Zsa finally drop dead? Zsa Zsa's gone. Yeah. Zsa Zsa's gone. We lost Zsa Zsa. Now, Zsa Zsa was one of those cases of really someone who should have died years ago.

Yes, as Bob Einstein said so eloquently on this show, she was second base at this point. Yeah! Oh, Lord. Sometimes this show is a tribute, and sometimes it's something else. I heard people hated Helen Reddy. I don't know about that.

She's around. Yeah? Okay, well, she won't be doing this show. She's around, Helen Reddy. She's on my list. I heard she's dead. Nope. Nope.

Just Julie Andrews. No, Julie Andrews. I just want to once again announce, Julie Andrews is dead, and our heart goes with her family. Stop now. And loved ones. The great Julie Andrews has just died. Now cut that out. We're going to try this.

We're going to regret this. Did I apologize to Rodgers and Hammerstein? Paul's going to tweet this in an hour, and it's going to go viral. I forget where I heard this. Let's not. You want to try this third one, Frankie? Sure. Here we go. Gilbert, this one actually has an intro.

Oh. So you've got a little ramp. Okay. Session musicians again. Here, I'll cue you, Gil. I am woman, hear me roar, and I'm just too big to ignore, and I know too much

to go back and pretend. A little faster. Because I've heard it all before. And I'm down there on the floor. No one's ever going to keep me down again. Oh yes,

I am wise. But there's wisdom for the pain. And yes, I am wise, but there's wisdom for the pain. And yes, I paid the price, but look how much I've gained. If I had to, I could do anything. I am strong, strong. I am invincible, invincible. I am woman. I am woman.

He is horrible. He is horrible. We need a Tara here Facebook-living that. I got a little footage of it I think I'm in love I'm not sure Frank can I hear the audio on this? Probably not

It's just It'll be No no I mean on my recording Yeah It'll just be Gilbert acapella singing That was fun Yes Did you enjoy that?

Yes Yeah We have to apologize to a lot of people now For that one That was fun. Yes. Did you enjoy that? Yes. Yeah, yeah. We have to apologize to a lot of people now for that one. Because that's a feminist anthem. And especially to the family of Julie Andrews, who sadly passed away today. Our heart goes with her children and grandchildren. Let's not kill Julie Andrews. Julie Andrews.

Her beloved ex is gone, Blake Edwards. That's right. But Julie is with us. I've never heard Gilbert quite so moving. Yeah. I want to bury this episode because we want to get Julie Andrews. I don't want this getting out. Blake Edwards said at his aunt's funeral,

Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt. Very nice. Yes. Right. Isn't that Henry Mancini, that joke? You changed it. Nobody apologizes to aunts. Well, anyone involved.

In the Pink Panther. In the Pink Panther. Yeah, I think it was Mancini. Yeah. To Helen Reddy, this song's message reaches beyond feminism. It's not just for women. There you go. It's a general empowerment song about feeling good about yourself.

That's bullshit. You feel empowered. You don't particularly look empowered. That was a very annoying song. You've got to see the top she's wearing in the video that Frank sent out. Yeah, that was from the Midnight Special. I always liked that song. But she was supposed to do an album for capital records and then she died no she's helen ray also alive and well helen ready passed away

in a bizarre suicide pack with Julie Andrews. After hearing your two renditions of their songs, can you blame them? After a secret lesbian marriage, Alan Reddy and Julie Andrews both commit suicide. Is that Arnie Kogan? The Arnie Kogan laugh. God bless Arnie. You'll appreciate this.

More than a year later, the song was picked to run behind the opening credits of a movie called Stand Up and Be Counted, a Hollywood women's lib comedy starring Jacqueline Bissett, Loretta Swit, and another guy we can't get, Steve Lawrence. Oh, boy, yes, Steve Lawrence just won't do it. No, yeah, I even asked Arnie. By the way, the session musicians backing her, Mike Deasy, Jim Horn, Jim Gordon, the great Leland Sklar who worked with Linda Ronstadt, Jen Jackson Brown, the best people.

And we always say this on the show, that no matter how cheesy the song is, I actually like this song, but the production. Yeah. The production and the session musicians. You know, those guys walk into the room, they look at the music for about 10 minutes, and they're ready to go, and they play it spectacularly the first time.

Yeah. I have to say, and it's circled back to the Phil Collins comment that I got some flack for, for the episode that came out this morning. Yeah. Leland Scar was Phil Collins' bass player for a tour. He's around still. Yeah. He's amazing. Yeah, he is amazing.

And the other thing is, a lot of these hits, like the, you know, the catchy parts of it, like the hook. The, you know, the catchy parts of it. Like the hook. I was trying to think of that word. The hook that everyone remembers was like a studio musician that was just fucking around and said, how about this? Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Did you notice, by the way, a kind of an echo of the Mighty Quinn in the introduction? Oh my God, yes. A little bit. Which he's also sung on Governing Six. And take a swig or a puff of, I said, oh my God, yes. A little bit, which he's also sung on Good Yeah, but we were talking last week about how when we were listening to Sinatra's version of Mrs. Robinson, which, by the way, we'll have to go out on because it's too good. It's too good, and we need to revisit it. But again, listen to the musicians. It's too good and we need to revisit it.

But again, listen to the musicians. It's absolutely wonderful. So thank you to Mason Wood. I really loved Gilbert's rendition of I Am Woman. It moved me. And thank you to Paul Ekstrom. And thank you to our friend Derek Herr. Here we go.

I can't get over this one. It's a gift that keeps giving. Listen to that band. Hey, hey, hey. Bass. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey. It swings.

Yeah, yeah. It's probably Sammy Nestico or somebody. We'd like to know a little bit about you for our files. And? We'd like to help and learn to help yourself. And? And? And? It's a Geno tribute. Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home.

The PTA. The PTA. Mrs. Robinson won't okay the way you do your thing. The PTA. Dance. Too good. Like you do. do future episode Future episode will have you do this as Sinatra. Okay. It's too good. It's still good. It's still good. Well, have you heard, Mrs. Robinson?

Mine is fine as wine, and I should know. Ho, ho, ho. Oh, bless you, please, Mrs. Robinson. Heaven holds a place for those who pray. Hey, hey, hey. Mrs. Robinson. So much for the DiMaggio mention. Oh, yes. He froze that one out.

You know, he does. Come on, Jilly. Mrs. Robinson, how's your bird? How's your bird? He's getting ready for have you heard. How's your bird, Gilbert? It's borderline dirty. Do you like the way Gilbert does his thing?

Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. He was just freestyling. As Bruno Kirby says in Spinal Tap, you know when you've lived and loved and lost like Frank has. Gil? Yes? Take us out.

Okay. Well, once again, I want to. Once again, I want to, we're all crying together today because of the lesbian marriage suicide pact of Helen Reddy and Julie Andrews. He is horrible. He is horrible. Thank you. My sentiments. This has been another edition. A sad, sad edition.

Where we're all sitting shiver for Helen Reddy and Julie Andrews and Gilbert and Frank's amazing, colossal, Helen Reddy and Julie Andrews-less obsession. You're an evil, evil man. You're a twisted individual. The last podcast. The last episode. Could be. Enjoy yourself. Alright, you.