Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini #184: "How Not to Cook" with Marilyn Michaels

Episode Date: October 4, 2018

Phil Silvers makes his move! Joan Crawford chews the scenery! Marilyn remembers her friend Will Jordan! And Maria von Trapp meets the Munchkins! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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TD Insurance advisor to learn more. Insurance should be too. Contact a licensed TD Insurance advisor to learn more. It's a colossal obsession. Okay, Gil. It's a colossal obsession. Yes. Okay, before our guest dies. I haven't been feeling well. If someone can get our guest some oxygen, please.

Definitely. Because of the back. I've had this really bad, like, bad back. Hello? Let him introduce you. Hang on. Oh, I forgot about that. Go ahead.

Go ahead. I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And this is Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsessions. And we're having a return guest. Yes. And she was of that era. You don't find out-and-out impressionists on Mimics, which she fell asleep. Yeah.

Imagine if it was a long intro. A little nap, a quick one. Of like the greats, of Frank Ocean, Rich Little. George Kirby. Yeah, George Kirby. Oh, Will Jordan. We just lost the great Will Jordan.

You want to say who it is? It's Marilyn Michaels, the great impressionist Marilyn Michaels. Don't get carried away. Welcome back, Marilyn. People get very carried away. I mean, lately, there's this guy who was after me. Can you believe it?

Yes, and he tells me wonderful things all the time. Right away, I don't trust him. You know what I'm talking about? You and Jackie Mason? He says, you're terrific. You're fantastic. I never see you. You know what I'm talking about? You and Jackie Mason? She says, you're terrific. You're fantastic. I never saw you. You're a wonderful woman. You're beautiful.

Terrific. Marilyn is back for a return visit. She has a new book. Oh. Would you like to read the title? Okay. Marilyn Michaels' new book

is How Not to Cook for the Rest of Your Life. Which she wrote with her son, Mark Wilk, who is here with us as well. Hi, Mark. Mark, welcome. The book is hilarious.

Oh. Laugh out loud funny. Oh, yes. I went through certain pages and marked them up, and we're going to talk about them. I knew you were going to do that. What made you want to write this, Marilyn, this book about how much you hate to cook?

Because I hate it so very much. I have high anxiety, but especially when I go into the kitchen. Because after sex, invariably, someone says, I'm going to the kitchen. Can I fix something for you? And it's usually the woman. That was in the book. You resent that you have to, I think, fuck a guy and then feed him.

Was that the term? Yeah. Hello. Hello. Honey, would you like a tuna? A tuna melt? How about a little lobster?

A little brie? Women offered you food after sex, Gilbert? No. They never offered me sex. I want to read one section of the book here. I love that. This is one thing that I marked up.

Let me see if I can find it. Oh, I'm so flattered. Let's see. Go ahead. Talk amongst yourselves while I find this. Well, about my back. Yes. While I find this.

Oh, well, about my back. Yes. It was extreme pain all week long. Oh, now, what do you remember about Will Jordan? Oh, yes, we just lost Will. Well, first of all, a wonderful person, a wonderful man, a great talent. I mean, I think he was sort of bordering on genius, actually. If you had ever seen him do Clark Gable and Charles Lawton at the same time, which he did on the copycats,

that was an extraordinary thing. He was the first person to do Ed Sullivan. Here we are in a really big shoe. It was all Will. And then everybody who came after Will was doing Will. They weren't doing Sullivan. They were all picking it up from Will Jordan. He had a great mind, great scientific mind, they say.

Brilliant man. Brilliant man. I went to his service a couple of weeks ago, and everybody said the same about him, that his mind was just. He was incredible. And then he did Patton. Yeah. Towards the end of his life, he did a lot of corporate stuff where he was doing George Patton.

He made a lot of money doing that. Great James Mason, too. Oh, brilliant. I mean, right, perfect. You had him on the show. I heard... We did have him. He was great.

He was wonderful. It was just, just... And he liked me so much. I was so... You know, we love each other. You know, fans are in awe, and they're always so excited. Oh, my God. And, you know, and fawning. Well, I think celebrities and actors feel even more passionately about each other.

And that's how I felt about Will. You like that group at the Copycats. You got along with everybody. Rich Little's a friend, obviously. No, they were terrific. Will, Kirby. Gorshin. You liked Gorshin.

Rich Little. Oh. Yeah. I mean, when I was, I did most of my stuff with Frank Gorshin. He did, I did Judy Garland and he did Al Jolson. Mm-hmm.

And you can see that on YouTube. Yes, those are great clips. it was a thrill to do that, to work with that level of talent. John Biner, Fred Travolina, Oliver Shulman. Oh God, was he great. He did a Frank Sinatra really unparalleled. And I said, I don't think I can do Frank Sinatra over lunch. And I said, you're going to do it and you'll be great at it. He was wonderful. Yeah. I miss him very much.

We had Beiner here, too. Did you? Here's the section from the book. This is page 88. Gilbert Gottfried and I had the best whitefish we've ever tasted together at Katz's Deli. At the 100-year anniversary of Katz's. To my recollection, this was the first time Gilbert Gottfried was ever completely quiet. There you go.

You never told me you had white fish with Marilyn at Katz's Deli. That's right. That's right. That's right. There you go. The book also, the book is educational. I mean, it's about how you hate to cook.

Oh, well, it's much more than that. You resent it. Yes. There's just a lot of stuff there. You're not going to read the sex parts, are you? My son is here.

I did read the sex parts. Hello. Only one card on that. Tell us some of the sex parts, only one card on that tell us tell us some of the sex parts marilyn well getting back to my back so as i was saying the book the book is also educational oh thank you marilyn you explain to people who might not understand people who aren't jewish who aren't new yers, what schmaltz is, for example. Explain, please.

Tell our listeners. I don't know if I'm going to tell you what schmaltz is. I'm going to do it like Georgia Cabot. Because I can't have it like that because she was really Jewish. You know, all the people who were Jewish and tried for people not to know. Like Dinah Shore. I'm not Jewish.

I'm just Southern. That was such shit, you know? I mean, really. What was that? What the fuck was that? Happy Yom Kippur. I don't know. What was I saying?

So back to schmaltz. Back to schmaltz. Schmaltz was chicken fat. Still is. Yes. And my grandmother, they'd bring it home, and they'd take the chicken fat, and they'd throw it on a skillet. And this was something to see it sizzle, and it smelled great. And it was like, you know, it could kill you, but they didn't know that.

Have you been to Sammy's Romanian downtown? I was there a long time ago. They put it on the table. But that was just one of the things that I talk about, schmaltz. Lots of things. That was very important, the chopped liver. The chopped liver. What was the chopped liver story?

My son Mark, he's my co-author. When I couldn't think of a funny line, he came in right away. He's so talented. The book's very funny. And bless your heart, you also said the best drink in the world is a chocolate egg cream. Yes. Which made me very happy to see. A lot of our listeners are all around the world.

They have no idea what a chocolate egg cream is. Oh, that's so bad. It's sad. It is sad. It's sad. It is sad. It's heartbreaking. It's tragic. Yeah. So it's an odd book because it's sort of a cookbook, but it's an anti-cookbook.

No, no. It's definitely an anti-cookbook. Yeah. Yeah. And yet there's advice for how to serve, for how to prepare certain food. How not to... No, how not to do it. How not to prepare certain foods.

How not to do it ever, ever at all. You know, I mean, order in, eat out, whatever. Pay people to do it for you. Give them your jewelry. Give them your 8mm pearls, you know, and beg for food on the street. I mean, the don't know. The reason I do this show is because Dara. Do they know who Dara is?

Yes. Yes. They're familiar with Dara. She's a lovely girl. She is. She's right here through the glass, waving. Yes. Waving.

So she says, we have plenty of cookies and things for you. I think Dara just likes cooking, too. Is that fair to say, Dara? Yeah. Is this a Jewish woman thing? Let me read one other bit from the book that I love. Just one other, darling? That's all?

Yes. Well, for now. This is about ice cream trucks. I love this. I must interject that ice cream trucks are not always available, even in 90 degree heat. Then one day it's 50 degrees. What happens? The ice cream truck appears.

So to that I say, fuck you, Mr. Softy. Complaining as a sport was also a favorite chapter. Yes. Would you know anything about that, Gilbert? I mean, think. When you're sweating and you're hot, you're walking and there's no ice cream. 90 degrees. Then 45, 50, they come out.

They're there. I don't want it when it's cold. I want it when it's hot. There's also some great pictures in the book. Here's you and Sammy. Yes. There's some wonderful anecdotes. I did not know, the last time you were here,

you did not tell us that you auditioned for the Diary of Anne Frank movie at the tender age of 14. Yes, I was 14. You know, George Stevens was the director, great director. And that would have been marvelous to get that. I thought that I was, you know, cast well, being a Jew with long hair and a nose and all the, everything I needed. But he just didn't think I was the kind of girl who would stay quiet in the attic,

you know what I mean? Oh my God. Who did you audition with? Did you audition with Lou Jacoby or any of the actors? Darling, I only audition alone. Oh, I see. Who's that actress who's great alone? The thin one, the blonde?

Maril Streep? No, not Streep. Contemporary actress? Yeah, yeah. She's a beautiful gay lady. Gorgeous and thin. I forgot her name. Okay.

And I always remember meeting you many years ago. Not that many. Control it. And I said to my mother, I met Marilyn Michaels, and she said her father was Moishe Oisha. That's it. My uncle. He's mentioned in the book. Your uncle.

My uncle. Moshe. And he was in Yiddish theater. He was a great cantor, probably the greatest. When I think in terms of music, I think opera, I think Pavarotti. We usually, you know, if you know anything, you'll think, even if you don't know opera, you'll think Luciano Pavarotti. And you think popular music, you'll think Frank Sinatra.

And if you think Jewish music, it's Moshe Oysher. And there are many great cantors and chasms and so forth. But my uncle was extraordinary. He was a movie star, too. He did films. Yeah, we talked about that last time we had you here. He did a lot of film, yes. He was quite amazing.

I'll get you some music so you can listen to it. I love them. Always love the Mae West. Speaking of auditioning and food, you auditioned for Zellig and Woody Wouldn't Feed You. Do I have this right? Oh, you want me to talk? It's in the book.

Mark does the greatest Woody. That trying to do it. Do it, do it. You can jump on the mic if you'd like. Jump on the mic. Come over here and do it. Yes, food was not in the budget. Films are expensive.

The pastrami sandwiches would have put us over the limit, so we... So what happened? He didn't feed you. He didn't feed me. He was... He was strange. He was so strange,

and I had a big crush on him. I thought, oh God, like, what did Ellen, oh God, he'll know that I'm the woman for him and not Mia. And he was just, I don't know, he was very cold and he would communicate through

one of his interns. I mean, I'd be sitting as close to him as I am to Mark right now. Right next to him. And he'd tell someone else, he'd say, tell her to be here at 9 a.m. And they would say, be here at 9 a.m. tomorrow. It was very, very strange. Okay.

I thought that maybe he was that way and he would have been nicer to me if I had brought along my my small Asian daughter but I don't have a small Asian okay I want to ask you about some of the other encounters in the book Phil Silver's made a play for you? Oh, listen. Bilko. Listen, I want to tell you. And Danny Kaye. Yeah.

Listen, I want to tell you. About comics, darling, you should excuse the expression. You know, my editor, Seth Ehrenstein, he's a very religious kind of orthodox guy. And I say in the book that comedians, comics are hornier than an orthodox Jew at a mikvah, you know?

And he kind of took umbrage at that. And he's not supposed to. I said, look, you know, you're the editor. You're not supposed to tell me. You take umbrage at it. Hello? I know they're horny. You don't know.

You said that you flirted with Jerry Lewis. He would pop into your dressing room at Harrah's. Yes. And he was coiffed, beautifully coiffed from the waist up, but from the waist down he was wearing bunny slippers. I was wearing. You were coiffed. Yes. Oh, you were wearing the bunny slippers.

I was wearing the bunny slippers. Oh, I got the story wrong. You did. Okay. But you had a little thing for Jerry. You kind of thought Jerry was. Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, I've had crushes on the comedians because they're so brilliant. They're so brilliant. They're so brilliant. Gilbert too? Gilbert, very much brilliant. Very much brilliant. So what happened with Phil Silvers and Danny Kaye planning one on your lips?

Well, what they would do is, I sound like Elizabeth Taylor now. They would come into the dressing room after Danny Kaye was following me in Phoenix, Arizona, the Phoenix Star Theater after I did Funny Girl. And he was following me in and he saw the show and he obviously liked it. He came into the dressing room and I was quite, I adored him. I was quite taken, Danny Kaye. He just came in there and he just swooped me up and kissed me passionately.

And then he left. It's very strange. And I never saw him again. That's it. You never saw him. And I never saw him again. And we never spoke or anything. But he just slit me the tongue and left. Wow. What was that about? I guess he wanted to do it. And Phil Silvers?

He wanted to do it. That's what I'm telling you, all right? Talk to Ruth. And Phil Silvers was the same way. The only thing about Phil Silvers, and do they know who Phil Silvers is? Oh, yeah. Our listeners, sure. Your listeners, too.

But with Phil Silvers, we did a month in Las Vegas, two shows a night, no days off until unconscious. And he sent flowers before he did it. And then he just, one night he decided he was going to make his move went into the dressing room swooped me up kissed me passionately and left so this happened twice this happened with danny k and phil silvers yeah did you ever what the story's away um what what did you ever communicate with him again after the incident This happened with Danny Kaye and Phil Silvers. Yeah. I'm giving the stories away. What, what? Did you ever communicate with him again after the incident, after the kissing incident?

Well, sort of, yeah. Uh-huh. Because I'm doing my Diane Keaton. Yeah. Because we were working two shows a night every night so we did communicate but he didn't do the kissing

he did it only that one time but it was very effective and Rickles never Rickles didn't do it he wanted to but his wife was in attendance. She was

there. So no, no, he didn't do it. But Jerry, I loved Jerry. I always loved. We lost Jerry since we saw you last. And Rickles. And I'm very proud to say that Mark and I did I loved Jerry. I always loved. We lost Jerry since we saw you last. And Rickles. Both passed since the last year.

And I'm very proud to say that Mark and I did the birthday party. Yeah. Right? Yeah, the Friars. Yeah. Oh, is that Jerry's party? Yeah. Here's a reference in the book I love, Marilyn.

You're talking about the old eateries on 2nd Avenue. Yes. Back in the day, the Cafe Royale, Ratner's, was a golden age. It was. Do you remember these places, Gilbert? Oh, yeah, some of them. And I also remember when they used to have the automat.

Do we have to go back that far? Yeah. That's why I came here today, to talk about the automat. Where they'd have a little lion's head and a hot chocolate would come out of there. And the food was just wonderful. I was a very small girl. It was just wonderful. And out of those little glass doors.

Just terrific. All of that. Yes, I do talk about that. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of food history in the book, too. Food history. And all those great restaurants. Ratner is a great dairy restaurant.

It's gone now, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Some of those great eateries are gone from L.A., too. I mean, the Derby's gone. And Chasen's is gone. Cantor's is still there. Still there.

Still dirty. But an authentic Jewish deli experience. You had both Betty Davis and Joan Crawford encounters? Oh, yes, I did. What was Joan Crawford like? What was your experience of her? Oh, my God. She was amazing.

She cared so much. She cared about what they thought about her. She was sitting on the dais, and it was for Pepsi-Cola. And they were rattling off her credits, you know. And she was on tenterhooks, really nervous that they shouldn't miss one of her movies, of There Were Many. And then I performed, and I went over really well. And she wouldn't let it be. She needed to be part of it.

She had to be part of the spotlight. Yes. Yeah. And she ran onto the stage and grabbed me by the wrist and ran around circles with me on stage. I'll never forget that. Wow.

It was unreal to think that Joan Crawford needed to do this. With all that she'd accomplished and achieved. Yeah, she needed it. Well, she was turned on by my performance, which was very nice. And Betty Davis, Elevator Encounter. Betty Davis, she was great. Betty Davis. She was great. I prefer.

It's starting to get hot in here. Anyway, I did a thing at some big event, and she got very excited about it. She was with her daughter. BD. BD. What a bitch. Yeah. What a horrible girl.

That girl was so horrible. Tell us about the playboy. Betty Davis said to me, she said, you were fabulous. Fabulous. Well, I carry that my whole life. Oh, that's nice.

Yes, it is. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager.

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Get ready to go all out for less. Gilbert will appreciate this. You did a layout for Playboy. You were Streisand. You were Bette Midler. You were Lily Tomlin's Ernestine. Yes. And you did Maria Von Trapp with two little people from The Wizard of Oz.

You really read the book. Of course. It's my job, Marilyn. Who were the little people? Was one of them Jerry Marin? Do you remember the names? Yeah, I think it was. Yeah.

They were the munchkins from The Wizard of Oz. Right. I think we just lost the last one. I know. Right. I think we just lost the last one. I know. Yeah. You said you should have taken your clothes off for that shoot, you say in the book. I did. Well, they wanted me to be naked.

That's Marilyn's apple juice. I'm a little messy tonight. That's okay. They wanted me to be topless. Uh-huh. And this is before he was wanted me to be topless. Uh-huh. You know. And this is before he was to twinkle in my eye or anything. And, you know, my boobs look really great and everything.

But I said I had picture approval. And I did a few. There's a fly in here. I did a few. There's a fly in here. I did a few topless ones. And they looked, my tits were great. God, they were standing up saluting the world. But I refused to let them use it. Good for you. I should have let them use it. Good for you.

I should have let them use it. Good for you. How were the little people? Did you get along well with them? They were small. They had them there sitting. I was Von Trapp and they were sitting

and they were throwing rosebud. And they were piping in the voices of the children from the sound of music. The hills are alive with the sound of music. I'm standing there naked with two small people. I'm standing there naked with two small people. A good memory. This is, oh, these are true stories. I know. I'm not, you know, what, exaggerating.

What about doing Hullabaloo with Sammy, too? I found that interesting. Oh, God. What did they tell you? What did the network tell you not to do? Do you know that I'm telling you all the stories from the book? They're not going to buy the book. Oh, there's plenty more in the book.

That's true. Yes. This is the tip of the iceberg. Sammy and I show people after we did the big duet. The natural feeling was to embrace and go, you know, kiss, kiss. And so I did that. And Gary Smith

took me aside and he took me in a corner and he said, you cannot kiss. I said, what are you talking about? He said, you can't.

No kissing with Sammy Davis or we lose the South. Wow. Smith-Hemian. Smith-Hemian. Smith-Hemian production. Gary Smith. Yeah, sure.

Legend. They did all of the Barbra Streisand. All of the... So they told you you'd lose the South. No embracing, no kissing,

no nothing. Nope. That's kind of like I guess it was Bojangles and Shirley Temple. Yeah, and years later, Petula Clark and Belafonte in primetime. It's like he was holding hands with Shirley Temple, who was three years old.

So, of course, you hold hands. And they couldn't take that, a black guy holding hands with a little white girl. Oh, is that a fact? Yeah. Yeah. That caused controversy. Oh, wow. a fact? Yeah. Yeah. That caused controversy. Oh, wow. I didn't even know that. Yeah. And that's so iconic. And Harry Belafonte did a Petula Clark special. You know this story. Yeah. They held hands and it just created

a firestorm. Harry Belafonte held hands with? Petula Clark. I would have held hands with Harry Belafonte. Just point me in the direction now. Did Burt... This is interesting. Did you go on a date with Burt Reynolds, who we just lost? Yes. What was that like? Oh, dear.

First of all, this week has been tough. Yeah. Besides my back, which has been hurting terribly but losing Bert he was a very nice man to me and I met him on a telethon in Baltimore

of all places and this is at the prime of his beauty it's even before he met Dinah Shore. And we went out a few times. You did. How about that, Gil? Wow.

Went out with the Burrells. You're impressed? Yeah. Why not? This is true. Number one box office star in America at the time. Oh. But you see, I was seeing somebody.

I see. And we were at Sardi's and he said, how far into it are you? And I said, three months. He said, oh, you're in the thick of it now. You know, the glowy part. But I couldn't turn down a date with Bert Renz. Why did you turn down Jimmy Kahn? Oh.

My press agent wanted to fix me up with Jimmy Kahn. This went on. Oh, you've got to see this guy. He's Jewish. He's Jewish. He's good looking. I didn't want to be. Leave me don't fix me up you know you're gay you go out with him i don't care whatever leave me alone so he said all right well and and i i

just turned it down and they were also bothering me about about marshall brickman oh marshall brickman yeah funny guy do you want to tell people who marshall well he co-wrote annie hall me about Marshall Brickman. Oh, Marshall Brickman. Yeah. Yeah. Funny guy. Do you want to tell people who Marshall Brickman is? Well, he co-wrote Annie Hall. Hello. And Ben just wrote Jersey Boys up for Broadway and lots of other things. A brilliant comedy writer.

I mean, really. He did. And my mother, she was friends with his mother in the building. She said, we're going to fix you up with a guy named Marshall Brickman. I said, the name is wrong. And every week, that's all I heard,

Marshall Brickman, Marshall Brickman. I said, I'd never want to hear that name again. I'm just not, well, how stupid was I? That was a bad move, a bad career move. We want to get him here for this show, Marshall Brickman. Tell him I'm ready now.

As we wrap it up, Marilyn. We're wrapping? Yes. We're wrapping? Oh. Well, we didn't want to make you sit this long. You said you couldn't sit a long time. Because of my back.

Very difficult. People should get the book, but I do particularly. There's a tightness down there. Terrible tightness. That the acupuncture didn't fix. No, no,

you want some water? I can feel water now. You'll feel much better from the water. Gilbert will like this. Could you explain to Gilbert and to me what you were referring to

on page 120 by grabbing your fluffy. Okay. I'm interested. I'll be going now. My son is leaving the room. Elvis is leaving the room. Get out of here.

Gilbert will be very intrigued by this. Get out of here. This I'm not talking about Frank Santa. You can't talk about it. No. How come? They are going to have to buy the book. You can't talk about it. No. How come? They are going to have to buy the book. They have to buy the book.

Okay. To read that part. It's one of the funniest things in the book. You have to buy the book and go to page 120, folks. Oh, no. Get this story. You know, this reminds me of, there was a novel many years ago, which I shouldn't say because it will date me and I don't care.

It was called Blackboard Jungle. Sure, yeah. Made it into a movie. Brilliant. Yes, but the point is this. Blackboard Jungle created a furor, especially in the schools, because on page 73,

they had the word nipple. It was in the book. And people would go crazy. Will you leave the room, my son? You can't say nipple in front of him. He's 47. It doesn't matter. A son is a son.

He doesn't want to hear these things. Don't you know that children don't want to hear anything about parents' sexuality? Yes, of course, of course. Wow. Yeah. So that was it. And it's like, you just, it hits at the right, now, what's nipple today? You know, hey, it's nothing.

Ice cream cone. It's like saying ice cream cone. Yes. Well, what's on page 120 is a lot more shocking than nipple. All right, all right, enough of this, enough. cone. It's like saying ice cream cone. Well, what's on page 120 is a lot more shocking than nipple. Can you give us a hint of what's on that page? Nothing. That's enough. The teaser is there. What do you want?

Okay. They got to buy the book to hear the story. It's called How Not to Cook for the Rest of Your Life. It's a lot of fun. And it's on 129? No, 120. Don't read it now because we're signing off. He's reading. Let them buy the damn thing. He's reading right now. Amazon. Oh, it's Amazon. Tell him to read it now because we're signing off. He's reading. Let them buy the damn thing. He's reading right now.

Amazon. Oh, it's Amazon.com. It's on Amazon. Yes. This is Marilyn Michaels' How Not to Cook for the Rest of Your Life. With Mark Wilker, very embarrassed son, who does a wonderful Woody Allen. Thank you, guys. Oh, it's a joy to be back. Come back and tell us more dirt next time.

Oh, I certainly will. I don't know. I'm very free with you guys. Can you give us Eliza Minnelli? Mama! Mama! The great Marilyn Michaels. This has been Gilbert and Frank's

amazing Colossal Obsession. Thank you, guys. Gilbert and Frank's Colossal Obsessions Give it a crack, Colossal Obsessions