Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini #196: Gilbert Opens Christmas Gifts from Listeners

Episode Date: December 27, 2018

This week: "Boris Karloff's Tales of Mystery"! The Johnny Gregory Orchestra! "Dr. Butcher: Medical Deviate"! And "The Gilbert Gottfried Munchausen by Proxy Telethon!" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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19 plus. Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to connexontario.ca. This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White,

Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and I'm here with Sank. Sank. Sank. Sank Frentipadre. I'm drinking a cup of Sanka.

Decaf. This show is being brought to you by Sanka. I miss Sanka. Because we lost our Postum. We lost the Postum account? Yes. Something I tweeted. Wow.

And Postum got angry, and they fired me on ceremony. What about Saverin? Does anybody remember Saverin? Oh, my God, yes. The red can? Yes. Remember when there were Chock Full of Nuts restaurants in New York City? Oh, I like that.

Me too. The sandwiches with the wheat nut bread and cream cheese. Those were great. Can you sing the theme song from Chock Full of Nuts? Chock full of nuts is that heavenly coffee. Heavenly coffee. Heavenly coffee. Chock full of nuts is that heavenly coffee.

Better coffee a millionaire's money can buy. Great final line brings a tear to your eye. We should do, in the future, we'll do a whole show where you just sing commercial jingles from the 70s. Yeah, because what could possibly go wrong? What could possibly go wrong?

We did, Frankie knows this. Gilbert won't remember. Oh, this is Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsessions. Right, and you want to introduce who's at the table? The black-blue singer who is in the final stages of Munchausen Syndrome by proxy. So, if you can, donate what you can. How's that going, Paul? Well, I'm trying to make next year the year of Raybone.

Uh-huh. Oh, 2019 is the year of Raybone. I'm doing New Year's Eve with Anderson Cooper. This is exciting. And in January, I'm trying out for the post-em job. Well, I'm getting a bone right now. How is the search going for the cure? Not well.

Not well. Walk on through the rain. Walk on through the storm. And you'll never, never walk alone as Jerry Lewis by proxy I will Jerry Lewis by proxy

no cure for that never walk alone I I walk on we're gonna be hearing

from Flavin and Flavin walk on with hope in your heart how your dreams get tossed and thrown. Walk on. Walk on. You can't stop him.

In your heart, and you'll never, never walk alone. You know what I love is you captured. You'll never walk alone. Walk alone. This is the day the audience cried. He's not wrong. You captured how Jerry used to stay, the fatigue in his voice. He used to stay up all night.

Yes. What did you want to say? Well, just for a serious moment here, you asked about the cure and how it's going. Yeah. And is it okay if I say this, Gilbert? Yeah. Gilbert has agreed to donate a kidney. That is so sweet.

Kidneys have nothing to do with Munkhausen. I didn't say. I'm going to donate his kidney. That is so sweet. Kidneys have nothing to do with Munkhausen. I didn't say I'm going to donate his kidney. I didn't say it was, yeah. Not whose kidney? Not one of mine. But I'll gladly take one out of a bag. We are, as I was starting to say, before Jerry took over the show, Verterosa remembers this. We did an episode over the summer, I think we called Christmas in July,

where we basically went through swag. We went through gifts. Yeah, always, always ready to receive them. You love gifts, don't you, from the listeners. And as to be expected, Christmas gifts showed up at my office door at ABC. There's even something for Frank this year and something marked Paul Rayburn. Apparently they're not a listener. I don't know what's

in that, but these are from Patrick Rodale. Oh, fuck. Don't open it. I won't open it. Oh, man. You think it's a white powder in there? No. We know Patrick. Patrick's a fan of the show. I'm going to give Paul his card. Thank you. Frank's in the control room. No, this is Frank's card.

No, that's Frank's. This is a professional show here. Yeah. I don't know what's in them, but we're going to have them open them on the air. All right, I'll open them. Okay. We're going to open them right here. I mean, this could be embarrassing.

Yeah, I think it's what you asked for, Frank. Oh, I'll take it. What is it? What did you get? A $2 bill. There you go. Is that legal tender? This is worth at least $3.50.

Yeah, I'm not sure. Federal Reserve note, $2. You got the same, Francis. I also got $2. What movie? You got a $2 bill or two singles? I got a $2 bill. Yeah, he got a $2 bill as well.

I'm going to cherish this. This is the first cash contribution. I was told by a colleague and fan of the podcast from Atlanta that they had entertained the idea of sending scratch-offs for me, but then they didn't know where to send it. Also, they told me to go fuck myself. So I don't know. Well, this says,

I have also enclosed gifts for Frank Verderosa and Paul Rayburn. The only thing I will say about them is they are not $1 bills. I believe you asked for a $1 bill. I wanted $20s. So now you got... Hey, Darius got a $2 bill. Look at that. You guys, we should totally... Carry that around with you? We should totally form a club. Wow. Darius,

someone sent a gift for you as well. Okay, here's the swag, Gilbert. Oh, good. Here's the stuff you got from Patrick. He got you a famous Monsters of Filmland issue. With Bela Ghosi on the cover. Look at that. We are not a visual medium,

so use your imagination. Wasn't that nice of him? That's very nice. But that's not all. He also got you treasure chest of fun and fact Jesus Christ comics. I don't know what that is.

Well, I have a subscription to this. He'll explain it. Did he explain it? It's Jesus coming out of his... It is the Catholic version of Chick Tracks, a comic book series called Treasure Chest of Fun and Fact. I love these. They were handed out in parochial

schools and also organizations such as 4-H and the Boy Scouts. But that's not all. Okay. Patrick also sent you Boris Karloff Tales of Mystery comic book. Wow. Look at that. Wow.

Isn't that impressive? Perfect, Frank. Wasn't that nice of him? He sent me a Mad Magazine from 1971. Oh, yeah. Which I 1971. Oh, yeah. Which I appreciate. Oh, yeah. Very nice. You're going to love this.

This is a copy of the Monster Times. Oh! That he also sent you. I think Patrick's sucking up. Now, there's a werewolf of some... Oh, well, this is a drawer, and this is a... Yep. Where does Patrick live?

Does he live someplace? Horror heroines, the trouble with Star Trek, and oh, and werewolves. Yep, yep. And this one I love. This is TV's greatest detective hits. Oh, jeez. The greatest hits, Canon, The Rockford Files, Kojak,

Macmillan and Wife, and McCloud by the Johnny Gregory Orchestra. So, Gilbert MacLeod by the Johnny Gregory Orchestra. So, Gilbert, enjoy that. The Johnny Gregory Orchestra. You're a big fan, aren't you? I have all of their albums. What he writes is, I'm going to say something that may seem a little weird, fellas.

None of these items are really worth all that much, and I say that because they should be read and enjoyed, opened, and back covers folded in. Feel free to pass them on to youngsters, and it would be a shame to treat them like museum pieces. So he's basically saying, don't keep them in the plastic. Don't put them up on the wall or frame them. So basically, I'll wipe my ass with these magazines you gave me.

That was from Patrick Rodale. Thank you, Patrick. Thank you, Patrick. Paul, do you want to thank Patrick for your $2 bill? Patrick, thank you for my $2 bill. Where do you find a $2 bill these days? In your pocket. Apparently.

Now, this is from another listener. This is from David Pavoni, and he sent you, Gil. Open it up. Oh, I'm scared. Yes. This is for you. Okay. It's a book. You want to

say what it is? Golf in Hollywood. It's the history of golf in Hollywood. Where stars come out. Oh, Oliver Hardy. Yeah, it's a great little coffee table book. Johnny Weissmuller. It's a black and white coffee

table book. Bob Hope must be a central figure. Bob Hope's on the cover. You know, this book reeks of anti-Semitism. How do you mean that? Why do you say that? This is all of those, like, golf places that the Jews were not. This is the reason they built Hillcrest.

That's right. Because the Jews were not allowed. What was the story about Groucho that his daughter was thinking she could go because she was... Yeah, they said his Groucho's daughter wanted to go into the pool. And the manager said, oh, she can't go in the pool because she's Jewish. And Groucho said, well, she's only half Jewish. Can she go up in the pool just from the waist down? There you go. That's the story.

So every one of these people in here is an anti-Semite. Johnny Weissmuller, Oliver Hardy. I'm sure that's why he sent it to you. Oh, Bing Crosby. Why he singled you out. All, all Jew haters. This is a Jew hater book. This is a guide to Jew haters.

Golf and Hollywood. That's his way of saying thank you, David. Thank you. Yeah. I'll see you at the American Nazi Barn. Isn't that a plug where Bing Crosby wrote White Supremacist Christmas?

That's it. All right. Gilbert's very impressed with the Golf and Hollywood book. Yes. Thank you, David. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing Colossal podcast after this.

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Now, these were sent. Dara, there's one for you here. These were sent by listener Rob Martinez. Frank, I believe I gave you yours. Oh, yeah. The CD mix. The CD I believe I gave you yours. Oh, yeah. The CD mix. CD, yeah. It's great.

There's one for Raybone floating around my house somewhere that I have temporarily misplaced. But maybe Gilbert and Dara can share one. We could do that. And Dara will give you. We live in the same neighborhood. Yeah. Rob works in radio, and he made this for us. And it's Rob's 2018 Christmas CD.

Gilbert, you'll love some of these. Percy the Puny Poinsettia. You know that? Oh, it's my favorite. Silent Night, Gilbert, you can learn how it goes. That would be helpful. Christmas is the time to say I love you by Billy Squire, which I actually like. Anyway, take a look at that.

There's one for you. Rob also sent a card of his family. Very nice. No anti-Semites in the bunch. Darren, there's one here with your name on it. As I go through the bag. Now, Gilbert, you're going to... Thank you, Rob.

Now, Gilbert, you're going to... Oh, thank you, Rob. You're going to appreciate this. Oh. This. This is from Michelle Mantinen. Super genius, it says on her greeting card. On her business card, rather.

And she writes, they all send personal letters. Frank, I'm a member of the Listener Society, and I wanted to send you and the gang this envelope of goodies. For you, Mad Magazine stamps. Look at this. These are Mad Magazine postage stamps. Isn't that cool? That's a whole sheet.

Yep, yep, yep. And for Gilbert, oh, Gilbert's going to get so excited. But before I, I'm going to build to that. This is, are these more. We need a drum roll. Are these more, these are, these are interesting. What are these? These are also Mad Magazine stamps with good jokes on them.

But Gilbert, she sent you Chick tracts. Oh! Look at that. Those are the real mccoys my friend let's see this this one looks like he's like a juvenile delinquent of that money and the devil is watching i don't know where she got these i don't know if she's hung on to these all these years and here's death and the title of it is High There. Oh, I love these Chick Tracks. We've talked about these before. Did we ever actually have any? I don't know.

Did somebody send any before? Someone did send me. Oh, yeah. That was the Christmas in July. We got those. Yeah, the Christmas in July. So somebody, I mean, some people have hung on to these over the years. Can I see one of those, Frank? Yeah, obviously Michelle is one of them. Paul's gonna get all religious. take a look at that what else did she send in here?

the imp the imp an issue of a this is a fanzine Gilbert and it's devoted the entire issue is devoted to Chick Tracks how about that?

how about that? do your fans love you or what? oh my god I love this one the death cookie can you see this one Paul? love this one, the death cookie. Can you see this one, Paul? Yeah, there we go.

The death cookie. Another Chick track. The death cookie. These are great. These are awesome. And this one looks like my biography. It's titled, Love That Money. Frank's going to get very excited. Frank, she says, the money I have enclosed is for Frank Vertiversa per his soupy sales-esque request.

Oh, my God. Is that another $2? No. It's a fake $20. Oh. F*** you, man. Hey, for my birthday back in May, somebody got me something like 10 trillion Zimbabwe dollars. Have you seen these?

No. It's an actual Zimbabwe bill. I have not. But like the value in the United States is like less than a penny or some insane thing. Okay, but this is the big winner from Michelle's packet. She says, the googly eyes I sent, these are for blind lemon ray bone to replace his missing eyeballs. Finally, finally. So these are yours. These are for Blind Lemon Raybone to replace his missing eyeballs. Finally. Finally.

So these are yours. Here's my only problem, though. You can thank Michelle. If I can see, can I still play? That's what I don't know. That's the question. The tracks are for Gilbert. I hope they help him to see the light and save his immortal soul.

I collected these on various BART. Obviously, she's from Northern California. BART train rides around San Fran. There you go. I'd never give these nut balls any money. Thank you guys for all you do with the podcast. It's really a joy. And you've turned my insanely long three-hour commute into time I look forward to every day.

turned my insanely long three-hour commute into time I look forward to every day. I've even gotten my husband to listen, Gilbert, to just enough episodes that now when we watch movies, he yells, a la Gilbert, see that actor? He's Jewish! Do you see what you've done? He wants to know.

So thank you to Michelle. This is a wonderful collection of stuff. As we move through the bag. And I think this is the last item. Oh, I also want to thank Ashley Esper for those wonderful Jack Frost greeting cards. Oh, those were fucking hilarious. Frank, you got yours? Yes, yes.

That was so great. She made Christmas greeting cards out of Jack Frost, out of Bob Hope dolled up as Jack Frost. That frightening special. Yeah. Weren't those wonderful? Yeah, that was, yeah. And I guess if you go to her Etsy page, Frank, you posted on Facebook.

Yeah, well, she posted it. I shared it. That if you go to her Etsy page, you can actually buy them, and they're worth getting because she did a wonderful job. And let's see. And, let's see. Okay, Gil, this is going to get you really excited. That's the last thing in the bag.

Check this out. These are from Mike Herman, our friend Mike Herman. Look at that. Rondo Hatton. A Rondo Hatton t-shirt. Can you believe that? Yes.

You could wear this as a night shirt. I know. Or maybe Dara will wear it to tantalize you. What do you think, Dara? Max. Will Max fit in this? You need four Maxes to fit in this. This is an extra large.

But look at that. He wears, he sleeps in oversized t-shirts. Give him that. Rondo Hatton, who worked with Mickey Dolan's mother. That was so weird. As we pointed out on the show. But this one's going to wow you. Okay.

Okay. This. Check this out. Dr. Butcher Medical Deviant. I saw the word butcher. Can you believe this? This is the one that Gilbert talks about on the show, the horror film that he talks about.

It's a Guinea horror film. Yeah. The best kind. Yeah. Yeah. It was like supposedly directed by John Martin. Read this, the little line at the top. Go ahead, Gil.

You want to read the top of that shirt from our pal Mike Herman? You want to read the top of that shirt from our pal Mike Herman? He is a depraved, sadistic rapist, a bloodthirsty, homicidal killer, and he makes house calls. Dr. Butcher, M.D., medical deviant. Gilbert, you could fit in that. Yeah, I think so. You're putting weight on him. Mike, maybe some sizes one down. Yeah. You're putting weight on. Mike, maybe some sizes one down.

Yeah. Or two down. Will Max really sleep in the Rondo Hatton shirt? Yeah. Okay. I thought you would like that. And also, our friend John Fodiatis got the third shirt in the bag because he's obsessed with Grandpa Al Lewis. Oh, okay. John, do

you have it? Do you want to hold it up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. John has a, I'm doing this like this is a visual medium,

like people can see what he's holding up. Hold it up in front of the microphone. Hold it up in front of the mic. Yes, John got a, look at this, Gilbert. It's from Grandpa's Bellagente Italian restaurant. I remember I would pass by that restaurant. On Booker Street. Yeah.

That was on the outside of the restaurant. That's the one. Isn't that nice? So we have to thank all of these people. I'm going to go through the list. And thank you, Rosalie and Joel Brava, for the lovely Christmas card. Here, Gilbert, some people sent you a Christmas card, even though you're not of that persuasion.

We want to thank Rosalie and Joel. We'll thank Rob Martinez for the great CD collection, Mike Herman for the T-shirts, Astley Esper for the Bob Hope card, David Pavone for the golf and Hollywood book that Gilbert insists is anti-Semitic. Yes. Patrick Bodale for sending you the wonderful album

by the David, who is it? The Jeff? Oh, John Gregory. The John Gregory Orchestra? Yes. The Johnny Gregory Orchestra. Yes. So you know those aren't sound-alikes.

You know those are all originals. And Josh Frank for the Marx Brothers book he sent. Daniel Kinski for the Marx Brothers coffee table book. Chris Bly and Ned Hastings for the DVDs. Ned Hastings sent us the Gorilla DVDs that led to the Bad Ape movies episode that we did. Mike Eslinger, who sent his books, the Willy Wonka book. I want to thank Michael Bonfiglio, our friend, for the DVDs that he sent. And Eric Rine sent us some orange-flavored coffee as a Cesar Romero.

John, I believe you got some. But is that fair? I wanted to check, Eric, so I'm glad you mentioned it. Yeah, Eric is a piece of work. And Eric and John, or Tom Fokiakis, who was on an earlier episode, have become fast buds on Facebook. They're obsessed with your chimp references, Gilbert, on the show. Your Sunset Boulevard and the cunnilingus chimps.

Yeah, late of the Ed Sullivan show. So I'm going to give you the $100 bill. The $100 bill. Paul Frank gets the $20. That's it. We thank you people for being so generous and sending us gifts. Oh, Vernerosa, can you take us out with the cunnilingus chimp music? Yes.

Is there cunnilingus chimp music? Yeah. This is where I come from. I wasn't aware of that. This has been Gilbert and Frank's amazing colossal obsession. Thank you for all the wonderful gifts. See you next

time. Música ¡Gracias! La donna pare sol sol, domi fa si resini, la donna madre sol sol. Música Sou pedião