Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini #206: The Best of Celebrity Meltdowns

Episode Date: March 7, 2019

This week: Sampling Casey Kasem! Gilbert covers Clarence Carter! Buddy Rich inspires Drew Friedman (and Jerry Seinfeld)! Al Pacino channels Paul Anka! And Charles Foster Kane pitches frozen peas! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and this is Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsessions. And who's with us? Uh, the late, great, old, black blues singer, Raybone. Okay, Frank, which of us should take the candy wrapper out of his hand, me or you? Yeah, okay. Frank, which of us should take the candy wrapper out of his hand, me or you? Yeah, okay.

I just love that during the call-in episode, I'm like, why is my mouse moving around my screen? And then I see Gilbert fidgeting with the keyboard in there. He's a little bit of a fidgeter. How are you, Raybone? Not too bad. Not that you'd know it from what Gilbert says. He's got you dead and buried. I'm hanging on for dear life here. I have very quick housekeeping before we start this mini

this is going to go fast our friend James Caron was in the Oscar in memoriam you saw him as I did Chuck McCann and Ken Berry left out strangely as was Stanley Donnan Dara had a birthday that is a podcast milestone

you had one last week or two weeks ago. Yes. And Larry Storch turned 96. Oh, that's right. I was at his party at the Friars with three podcast guests. Wow. Larry, Richard Kine, and Dick Cavett.

Oh, man. All send their love. Oh, and thank you to everyone who sent their birthday wishes to me. Yes. Thank you very much. That was very nice. And the callers that called and wished Gilbert a happy birthday.

Finally, to Jamie Philbrick, who continued the tradition of wearing an orange wedge pin to the Oscars. That was started by our pal Michael Weber. Thank you, Jamie. That made our week. This is a mini-episode idea How small is this episode?

This is a small, small, very small. Infantesimal. Raybone, you have crystallized my thoughts eloquently. As Dave Letterman used to say to Paul. This is a Producer of the Month idea from Ray Gustini. Remember Producer of the Month? Which we do on Patreon? You can go

to patreon.com slash Gilbert. You can throw in a couple of shekels and you can suggest an episode and if we pick the idea, we will do it as we're about to patreon.com slash Gilbert. You can throw in a couple of shekels, and you can suggest an episode. And if we pick the idea, we will do it, as we're about to do here. And then, of course, if the episode is picked, you're rewarded with hundreds of thousands of dollars. Hundreds. You are lavished with a harem full of virgins. This is actually an idea that we kicked around previously, but Ray was on it.

And it was reading Ray's idea on Patreon that prompted it. Celebrity meltdowns, which we have talked about before. Celebrity rants. That doesn't really happen. Ray called them open mic episodes. Hot mics. When you're in the voiceover

world, especially like every voiceover place I go to, the guys will have these. The guys who specialize. Oh, yeah. Verterosa has his own collection. Yeah. It's not my collection.

There's an engineer named Tom Love out of Boston. Okay. Owns a place called Rumble Strip, and he's played these down the line from time to time. So when you emailed and said, we're going to do this, I said, hey, Tom, you got to send me your collection. So you sent me a few good ones, the classics. Right. He gave me a few deep dives. We'll see if we can squeeze them in.

Otherwise, we'll save them for a minute. Maybe we'll try to squeeze one of them in because I think you'll appreciate it. They're all great. Okay. We're going to start with a classic that everybody knows and that we've discussed on the show. And Paul and I have done a little research about them. And then we're going to tell you what connection, what loose connection they have to this podcast. Oh. For a little extra trivia so frankie the countdown will begin this sunday afternoon at one right here on

the radio station you grew up with music radio 138 oh fuck what the hell's going on here isn't it the last hour? We got another hour to do? Geez, I thought we were almost finished. Good golly, Miss Molly. Boy, this is fucking ponderous, man. Ponderous. Fucking ponderous. Hi, this is Casey Kasem. American Top 40 has moved to a new time. I hope you'll join me this Saturday morning and every Saturday morning at 2... 2...

2! We're up to our long-distance dedication. And this one is about kids and pets and a situation that we can all understand whether we have kids or pets or neither it's from a man in cincinnati ohio and here's what he writes dear casey this may seem to be a strange dedication request but i'm quite sincere and it'll need a lot if you play it recently there was a death in our family he was a little dog named snuggles but he was most certainly a part of let's go start again i'm coming out of the record play the record okay please

see when you come out of those up-tempo goddamn numbers man it's impossible to make those transitions and then you got to go into somebody dying. You know, they do this to me all the time. I don't know what the hell they do it for. But goddamn it, if we can't come out of a slow record, I don't understand it. Is Don on the phone? Okay. I want a goddamn concerted effort to come out of a record that isn't a fucking up-tempo record every time I do a goddamn death dedication.

Now, make it. and I also want to know what happened to those pictures I was supposed to see this week. That's my favorite. Last goddamn time, I want somebody to use his fucking brain to not come out of a goddamn record that's up-tempo, and I gotta talk about a fucking dog dying.

That is such a class. It's like Mozart to me it is brilliant two parts of that number one the best of fucking dog dying is two you couldn't write that one

that one you couldn't write like a nice pleasant DJ and the other thing is fucking ponderous couldn't write like a nice, pleasant DJ going into. And the other thing is fucking ponderous, man. Fucking ponderous. That'll have to be a bite. You'll have to sample that.

That is great. Fucking ponderous, man. Great. Fucking ponderous. My two favorites are that he's ranting. He's in the middle of a rant, but he has the presence of mind to stop and say, and what happened to those pictures I was supposed to see? Which has nothing to do with anything.

And the classic, classic. You know how you love oddball things like Bud Habits? Yes. Put your hands down. Yeah. I love is Don on the phone. Right? Yes.

Yeah. I don't know. It means. I know. Is Don on the phone? It's just gold. The first time I heard that, I was't know. It means... I know. It's great. It's not on the phone. It's just gold. The first time I heard that, I was so happy. That was fantastic.

It changed my life. That's one of those I think we both heard like over a hundred times, and it gets funnier each time. Yeah, it absolutely never gets old. It's a cliche. I think recorded in 1985, Paul and I talked about this, and I said, let's do some digging and see what we can actually find about these things, any kind of history or any kind of trivia. So the listener had – the owner of Snuggles wanted – From Cincinnati. Yeah. Yeah.

So they played the Henry Gross song, Shannon, in tribute. Yep. And it took several takes to get that recorded properly because Casey had trouble getting into the somber mood after an up-tempo song. Right. People wonder what were the songs. Yeah, that's right. So the tape was still rolling when he launched into the profanity-laden rant we've just heard.

But I think what I read is that he was coming out of a Pointer Sisters number. rant we've just heard. But I think what I read is that he was coming out of a Pointer Sisters number. He was coming out of a song that was, the problem was that it was up-tempo. Oh, yeah. And he couldn't get into, it was too abrupt a transition.

The song Shannon is a weird song. I don't know that song. It's about a guy whose dog is lost at sea. Oh, that's I remember. Shit is gone. It's like a falsetto voice. Somebody pulled out theme is dogs.

Yeah. My wife, who's 10 years younger than me, hears these pop songs that I love from the 70s. And she goes, what the hell is that? How is that a pop song? How they ever got played on the radio and how they became hits. Yeah. Songs like Run, Yeah, yeah.

Songs like Run, Buddy, Run. Oh, yeah? Death songs from the 1970s. Oh, I Can't See You Anymore. Leader of the Pack. Yeah, well, that's old. That's really old. What's the one, Patches,

by Clarence Carter? Oh, Patches, yeah. I was born and raised down in Alabama in a shack way down the woods. I was so ragged, my papa used to call me Patches. But I know he was hurt because he done only could. My papa was a great old man. I used to see him with a shovel in his hand.

Education he never had. I still remember my dear old dad saying, Patches, we're depending on your son to pull our family through. It's something only you can do. We got to do a mini episode, Death Songs of the 1970s. What's the other one? Oh, God. The one about the, well, What's the other one? Oh, God. The one about the, well, there's seasons in the sun where everybody dies.

And then bang, bang, he shot me down. Yeah, there's a bunch of them. And, of course, Bobby Goldsboro's Honey, where he's burying the wife under the tree. So, Paul, this is what I found, that it happened in 1985. Right. And the clip got passed around. It was the pre-internet days, the hand-to-hand kind of way. And it just caught on. And it says here, this is interesting.

It says, the KSIM tapes were an irresistible cult object because they captured the sound of a supposedly consummate pro losing his shit over something picayune. And there's apparently another tape of him trashing U2. Do you know about this? I don't know about that one. The band U2? I gotta hear this.

I'm gonna try to track it down where he says, These guys are from England. Who gives a shit? Which I don't have, but we're gonna go on a search for it. Other than that, there's not really much to be found. Did you find anything else? Apparently, the song that he was gonna come out of was the Pointer Sisters' hit, Dare Me.

Dare Me, yeah. And I guess they switched to Shannon. No, he had to do the dedication with Shannon. Oh, okay. But he had trouble coming out. He was blaming them for not giving him, for making him come out of an up-tempo record. He's a consummate professional. He should have been able to make that work.

Now, here's the weird loose connection, very loose connection to this podcast. The Don on the phone, as I've said in previous shows, is Don Bostany, who was Danny Duraney's uncle. And our friend Danny Duraney has done this show. He did a mini episode. Wow. And he booked Ileana Douglas for us and a lot of other people. And he called me about a year ago and said, do you want my Uncle Don, who was a radio veteran? He has a million stories.

And I thought, maybe it wasn't a priority. And then when he died, I read the obit. He was the Don. Oh, man. He and Casey were the creators of American Top 40. Oh, man. We'll try to dig a little bit more into this and see what we can come up with. But there's not a lot.

It's like the two-bar tape. Yes. You know, these were tapes that were passed around, cassettes, in those days. Why, you motherfucker, you cunt sucker. I'll show you the black stuff. Billy West does that brilliantly. Yeah, can you page, I'll knock you down. I'll knock you down.

Alcoholic. And those tapes Found their way Into Matt Groening's hands And that's how those Bart Sensen's prank photos Filthy grave Filthy grave Amanda hug and kiss

I just I love the one where he goes Yeah He picks up the phone He goes yeah I just fucked your mother Alright In the interest of

In trying to get to these Frank I believe we have another famous one where we have a little more information on this one. Now, this is a very long one. You tell me when you want to wind it down. Well, just listen to a little bit of it. I think right to the profanity. And we'll leave from there. This is famous.

What the fuck do you think is going on here? You had too many fucking days off and you think this is a game? leave from there. This is famous. He seems nice. You've got to fucking be kidding me! How dare you call yourselves professionals? Assholes are playing like fucking children out there! You've got your fucking... Where the fuck are you? Miss Watt. You've got your fucking heart so fucked deep in the fucking bell we don't need to have a band here tonight!

You're afraid you won't be heard? Everybody can hear your fucking fans out there. You don't need a mic for that. You taking up too much fucking time? Everybody can hear your fucking clams out there. You don't need a mic for that. You taking up too much fucking time? Blowing what? Shit! You stand out here all fucking night trying to blow your fucking brains out when it comes time to play.

What do you play? Clams? Clams! You got nowhere to fucking go the next day because if I hear one fucking clam from anybody you've had it One clam and this whole fucking band is through tonight Try me You got some fucking nights off nothing to do and you're coming to play this kind of shit for me

Fuck all of you You're not doing me any fucking favors you're breaking my heart out there That one you're breaking my heart out there I That one, you're breaking my heart out there. I'm embarrassed by you motherfuckers. I play with the greatest fucking musicians in the world. How dare you play like that for me? How dare you try to play like that for me? Asshole. I think we got the idea. This is the infamous Buddy Rich tape. That is great.

It's like a high school band all over again. High school band. So I can add a little bit to this. Go ahead. I went to the Berklee College of Music in Boston for a couple of years. He used to come back there and teach, and so he was an all bad guy. An angry man, though. Yeah, an angry man, absolutely.

But the advanced students and the talented kids would be picked up by the Woody Herman Band and Buddy Rich and these big bands. They'd go on tour, and they'd need a lot of musicians. And these guys would come back after six months or a year on the road and be exactly in the kind of awful shape you'd expect them to be after hearing that. But one other thing that he did that drove them really crazy that I didn't see in the research is he, you know, the musicians have their charts up there the music and they're all numbered, right? So the band leader calls out number 54 or whatever it's going to be or gives them a set list ahead of time. He would never

give them anything and he would start playing and he'd go 1, 2, 3, 4, number 48 and you had to like have your music all arranged with the corners bent and all that so you could get to the thing and memorize the first eight bars because he would give you no time. Now, what the hell was that about? I have no idea.

He was eccentric. He really was eccentric. Did you ever meet Buddy Rich in your travels? No. Yeah. No, I wish I would have. He's supposedly a very angry fucking guy. Ah, yes.

Are you sure you're talking about the right guy? As you surmised. Doesn't sound like an easy boss. You remember hearing that for the first time? Oh, mymised. Doesn't sound like an easy boss. You remember hearing that for the first time? Oh, yes, I do remember. Yeah. And again, this was also

like the Casey one, recorded apparently in the mid-80s. From what I found sometime between January of 83 and January of 85, and recorded by a pianist, Lee Musiker,

or Lee Musiker, M-U-S-I-K-E-R, was supposedly the person who turned on the tape recorder, an Iowa tape recorder, stuffed inside a folded-up newspaper on his lap, and it became legend.

And it's been passed around from comedians and comedy writers. I didn't know that. I thought that was fascinating. The comedians had followed this thing. Yeah, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, specifically. Did you look at the Jerry thing?

That was amazing. Did you know that it was worked into three different Seinfeld episodes, Gilbert? No. The understudy, the one where Frank Costanza goes into the nail salon just because he understands Korean, and it includes the line, this guy, this is not my kind of guy, which we didn't get to. I mean, that came from Buddy Rich.

From Buddy Rich, yeah, because we didn't play the whole thing. And this is the line that Jerry and Larry love for some reason in one episode. Then we'll see how he does up there without all the assistance. It's in one of the Kenny Banya episodes. And this one, when George in the opposite, where George does all the assistance is in one of the Kenny Banya episodes. And this one, when George, in the opposite, where George does all the opposite things,

he calls out two guys who are making noise in a movie theater. Oh, yeah. And he says, why don't we step outside and I'll show you what it's like.

Jerry's going, show you what it's like. What is that? They love this shit and they put it into the show. But in doing the research, I found something fun. A guy named Dave Panichi, or P-A-N-I-C-H-I, was the trombonist, the guy that's being cursed out for growing a beard, which is later on the tape. From Texas.

Right, where he screams, this isn't the fucking House of David. Which we didn't play, but you can find this online. It's readily available. The other weird thing about this is, I put my jazz critics hat on here, Buddy Rich was a great, great drummer. Great drummer.

He was maybe the best, one of the best big band drummers ever. So he didn't need to boast that he played with the greatest musicians in the world. But he did. But he did. This guy Dave Panicci, or Dave Panicci,

or however the hell he pronounces his name, this was fun. I read an extensive interview with him, and he said that there was a guy that had a sock puppet of a chimp in the band, and they would wait till Buddy would lose it, and the guy would stand up behind Buddy and imitate him with the sock puppet. Oh, that is awesome.

Which is just fantastic. That's great. Which is in my notes. You probably saw this, too. He started off as a kid as a singer and a tap dancer. Absolutely. Right? In his teens, he led a band toward the U.S. and Australia.

At 15, he became the second... Okay, so here we go at 15 he became the second highest paid child entertainer behind who in the 1930s? Jackie Coogan. Jackie Coogan is correct. There you go. Don't mess with me Rayburn. Here's the very very loose connection to this podcast

and the Buddy Rich tape and that is this wonderful strip by our pal Drew Friedman called Everybody's Buddy that appeared in Raw Magazine originally in the 80s and then is reprinted in Drew's wonderful book, The Fun Never Stops, which we will plug because it's great. And this is

basically Drew really capturing Buddy Rich at his worst. You can find this in Drew's book Playing Clams. Playing Cl playing clams you're breaking my heart out there that's that's the one i like i just i like anger i like i like celebrities absolutely losing this oh absolutely and you can picture the veins popping out in their necks we will return to gilbert godfrey's Colossal Podcast after this.

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Body Wash, you can lather and glow. The 24-hour moisturizing body wash is infused with vitamin B3 complex and has notes of rose and cherry creme for a rich indulgent experience. Treat your senses with NuoLite Indulgent Moisture Body Wash. Buy it today at major retailers. Let's move on to another one, which is a sort of a different speed. This one's near and dear to my heart because this, for those that know, this is what I do all day every day. I record actors for commercials and film and television. And this is just brilliant. And I have to say, having done this for so many years with so many celebrities, I've never witnessed this except for with Dr. Phil. Oh.

I don't want to say his last name because I don't want to give away who he is. Okay, yeah, you don't want to do that. But I cut together a funny outtakes thing that I'll have to play for you guys only. It's not for web distribution. We'll do it sometime. Oh, yeah. This one is one of the major classics.

It's become a major part of the culture, so let's hear a little bit of it. Nothing is more important than the simple act of people getting together. Simple act of people getting together. Good. We know a remote farm in Lincolnshire where Mrs. Buckley lives. That's funny already.

Every July, peas grow there. Do you really mean that? Yes. I'd start half a second late. Don't you think you really want to say July over the snow? Isn't that the fun of it? If you can make it almost when that shot disappears it'll make my I think it's so nice that that you see a snow-covered field and say every July peas grow there we know a remote farm in Lincolnshire where mrs. Buckley lives every July peas

grow there we are even in the fields see. We're talking about him growing and she's picked him. Yeah. On what? On in July. I don't understand you then. What must be over for July? When we get out of that snowy field. When I was out, we were on to a can of peas,

a big dish of peas when I said in July. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, always. I'm always past that. Yes, that's about where I say in July. Can you emphasize a bit in, in July? Why? That doesn't make any sense. Sorry.

There's no known way of saying an English sentence in which you begin a sentence with in and emphasize it. Get me a jury and show me how you can say in July and I'll go down on you. Yeah, thank you. Forgive me for saying so. Such a stupid in July. I'd love to know how you emphasize in and in July.

Impossible. Meaningless. I think all they were thinking about was that they didn't want to He isn't thinking. Can we just do one last thing? It was my fault. I said in July. If you can leave every July. You didn't say it. He said it.

It's every July. Your friend. I love that one, too. No, you don't really mean every July. It is. But that's a bad copy. It's in July. Of course it's every July.

There's too much directing around here. Could I have one more go, Wilson, please? Sorry. What? Could I have just one more take of that? Why? I just did it right. Look, I'm not used to having more than one person in there. One more word out of you

and you go. Is that clear? Yes, sir. I take directions from one person under protest. But for two, I don't sit still. Who the hell are you, anyway? Well, why the hell are you asking me for another one? Well, I thought there was a slight bonk, and I would just like to be safe.

Jesus. What is a bonk? Gilbert does this. What is a bonk? A bang from outside. A bang from outside. Norway. Fish fingers in the f outside. Norway. Fish fingers,

Fiendish Norway. We know a certain fjord in Norway near where the cod gather in great shoals. There, Jan Stangeland. Fraction more on that shoals thing because you roll it around very nicely. Yeah, roll it around

and I have no more time. You don't know what I'm up against because it's full of things that are only correct because they're grammatical, but they're tough on the ear, you see? This is a very wearying one. It's unpleasant to read. Unrewarding. That's my favorite.

Do you find that? Yes. Unrewarding. Crumb crisp coating. Crumb crisp coating. That's tough. Crumb crisp coating. Crumb crisp coating. That's tough. Crumb crisp coating. I think because of the way it's written, you need to break it up because it's not as conversationally written.

What? Take crumb out. Take crumb out. Good. Here under protest is beef burgers. Here under protest is beef burgers. We know a little place in the American far west where Charlie Briggs chops up the finest prairie-fed beef and tastes... This is a lot of shit.

You want one more? Come on. That's gold. You missed the first beef. What do you mean, missed it? What do you mean, missed it? You emphasized the prairie-fed. But you can't emphasize beef. What do you mean missed it? You emphasize in very fair. But you can't emphasize beef.

That's like he's wanting me to emphasize in before July. Come on, fellas. You're losing your head. I love that. I wouldn't direct any living actor like this in Shakespeare. The way you do this is impossible. Orson, you did six last year and by far and away the best. And I know the reason.

The right reading for this is the one I'm giving it. At the moment. I spend 20 times more for you people than any other commercial I've ever made. You're such pests. This is my favorite of all. What is it you want in your depths of your ignorance? What is it you want? That's the killer.

What is it you want? I can't deliver because I just don't see it. That was absolutely fine. It really was. You couldn't have left it. No money is see it. That was absolutely fine. It really was. You can't even work with it. No money is worth working with. What is it you want in the depths of your ignorance? Leave it to Orson Welles to make the Citizen Kane of these.

Yes. I love the fact that he just has to mention that he's directed actors in Shakespeare and wouldn't direct them this way. What do you got, Paulie? Well, when they called him and they said they wanted him to do this thing, and they said, well, you come in and audition. And he said, surely to God,

there's someone in your little agency who knows what my voice sounds like. He says, well, they said they knew the voice, but it was for the client. So he went in, he wanted the money. Okay, ready, another quiz. He wanted the money because he was trying to finish. Oh, I know this.

Chimes at Midnight. Chimes at Midnight. Yeah, at Midnight. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of reason that he did those things in those days. He was trying to finish films that were unfinished, and he would take any kind of gig. You've seen the YouTube commercial. I love, I'll, show me how and I'll go down.

I'll go down on you. Yeah. And then unrewarding. Yes. Yeah. Yes. He had an incredible voice. Yes.

And the best part, like, that was like a great performance is when he goes, no, you didn't say it. He did. Your friend. Your friend. I love that. He did. Your friend. I love that. The hatred. The hatred that's just contempt that's dripping off of his tongue.

There's a little piece on Wikipedia where our friend Jonathan Lynn, our former podcast guest, recounts his version of the events that Orson told him. So we date this as being somewhere between 1969 and 1970 and the product was Findus frozen peas. I don't know where crumb crisp coating came in to frozen peas. I think it's a mixture of two different spots.

I think it sounds like there's a batch of spots. Or a batch of spots. This is absolute shit. He says here under protest is beef. Beef burgers. So I think that sounds like there's a batch of spots. Or a batch of spots. This is absolute shit. Because he says here under protest is beef. Or beef burgers. So I think that's him. I don't think that was in the copy. I think that's him not wanting to do beef burgers.

Right. That's right. And, of course, it's been parodied many times, most famously on Pinky and the Brain, and our friend Rob Paulson, who did this show. So there's a podcast connection. Jonathan Lynn, too. Now, who did this show. So there's a podcast connection. Jonathan Lynn, too. Now, there's another one.

I don't know if you have it with you now. The other one, the wine commercial. I didn't dial that up. We'll do it in another week because this is really about rants. This is really about angry rants. But we'll do it. We'll play that one in another week. Also, another connection to the podcast, it was parodied on the show The Critic.

Oh, yes. Also played by Maurice LaMarche, written by our friend Mike Reese. So there you go. So there's some loose. Here's a third one. It was parodied on SCTV. Orson Welles was played by John Candy. And in the same sketch was Liberace played by Dave Thomas, another podcast guest.

So there are some strange little fun connections to these pieces. That one is just a classic. It's absolutely wonderful. And Frank's worst nightmare. Yeah, but I'll tell you, I've told this story so many times to people I work with. You never know what you're up against when somebody walks in either the booth or the control room. But I've got stories from clients where they were horrible, and then you would later learn that they just had some traumatic thing happen in their life that morning.

Right, right. And also, I remember in the early 90s, i was doing a dog food commercial with a celebrity spokesperson and he came in the room before anybody else and say can you play me the cut and he looked at the cut and i what do i know look great you know and he calls his agent and starts yelling in the phone and he storms out and then the clients arrive a few minutes later and say where's so and? I'll tell you later who it was. And I said, he left. And everybody was all on a huff. I later learned that he had

been going through, like, cancer. Oh, that's unfortunate. And he died a couple years later. But he was very concerned about how his face looked in the shots and all this. So you never know. You know, everyone's like, what a dick. But the guy was dying. What do you attribute

Gilbert's lack of professionalism to? It's when we're out of Perrier. I remember working on some show and everyone was bitching the actor there and I found out later that the actor's business manager

just left town that day. Wow. He just disappeared with his money. Wow. Oh, man. You'll tell us off mic who that was. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was it William Demarest? I'm going to track down that Casey Kasem U2 clip, but we have one to go out on. And again, thank you, Ray Gustini, for the great Producer of the Month idea. And this one is pretty known, too. And this one I like a lot. And I was playing it last night for my wife, and we were in hysterics. So we'll do a little bit of this one because it's nine minutes. So we'll just do maybe the first three.

This is Paul Anka, by the way, in case you don't know. Where's the guy at the end? Who's missing? He wasn't wearing a t-shirt. No, but the other guy at the end had the t-shirt. T-shirt! I'm sorry. Didn't I say shirts?

Yep. I thought he was covered you fought you fought you fought you fought eight things tonight you're on notice john i gave you a list get half a list that i gave you was choosing everything on it okay the guys get shirts the guys get shirts make a maniac out of me the guys get shirts do Don't make a fucking maniac out of me. The guys get shirts. Do you understand? We're not going to be as strong as our weakest link. The guys get shirts.

Do you understand that? This is like football, baseball, like anything else. The guys get shirts. You got that, Paul? That's just the fucking way it is. What did he think the guys should get? Shirts. You first start with getting your goddamn list correct. So there's no confusion.

When I write something down, it gets exactly that. Now what are we going to do about these cutoffs? My weight cutoffs? I'm kind of waiting for you. What did we discuss at the last meeting? I was going to take I'm not anyone, is that correct? I was going to do that one, you're going to hold the cord and cut it. Is that right? Absolutely. All right. Now, what are we going to do about my weight? I'm walking around waiting and waiting. I don't want to finally give it. And where was everybody cutting off with you?

I don't know. I was watching you where they should have been watching. But you were doing it. I did it. I did. What's it going to be, guys? Who are you watching? I suggest they watch me. I watch them. But you were the only one to watch. Absolutely. Let me ask you this. A pilot is in a plane and he's landing.

He not only looks at his instrument, but he looks at the fucking runway to make sure it's there. What did you look at? Who are you watching? Where were you guys on the end of my wave? Graham, what happened? I was late because I usually watch you on that. And John.

If I'm not doing anything, and he throws... Do you remember the last meeting where I said, I'll bow, I'll do, take it, and end it? Except for I'm not anyone, I'll give, I'm not doing anything and he throws... Do you remember the last meeting where I said, I'll bow, I'll do, take it and end it? Except for I'm not anyone, I'll give, I'm not anyone. Do you all remember that? If my arms aren't up and he's the only one, why wouldn't you take it and end it? What is the confusion on these endings?

I don't get it. I don't get it. Do you understand that? I don't get it. I don't get it. Do you understand that? Probably. What's it going to be, guys? Do you want fucking Vinnie Falcone in front? Do you want me to go and get a conductor that will sit and ride your asses? Is that what you want?

Do you want your Joe's? Where's Joe? Where's Joe? Where's Joe? Is Don on the phone? You're on thin ice, Gilbert. Yeah. There it is. I'm telling you right now. And when I fucking move, I slice like a fucking hammer. There it is.

That is the greatest line ever. When I move, I slice like a fucking hammer. Now, what is the podcast connection here? Former podcast guest Brian Koppelman, wrote Ocean's 13 gave a copy of this to Al Pacino. Yes! And Al Pacino incorporated it into his performance as Willie Bank in Ocean's 13. No shit.

Includes the lines, when I move I slice like a fucking hammer and don't make a maniac out of me. Which is the one I love. I love you're on fucking notice. You're on fucking notice. And that's the fucking way it is.

Recorded 15 years ago, according to an interview that Anka did with Terry Gross at Fresh Air. He said, we recorded this. It was recorded by a real snake that we fired. He found out the guy that was recording it and he's not apologetic about it. He says, this is a small pebble on the whole infrastructure of business. I know how to motivate people and I know how to treat them. And I have no regrets whatsoever for anything that's on that tape. I got another part of that. It must be the same conversation. Yeah.

He said, we had a nice big moment on Howard Stern where he played the tape and agreed with it. Sure, sure. It's different from Buddy Rich because Buddy Rich was just a lunatic. Right. But he had reason to be pissed off, it sounds like, from this thing. But he says, I'm a stickler for detail, you know, and I owe it to my audience. It's the threats. It's the threats that are great. Yeah.

It's nothing different than what Gilbert says to us every week. You guys know me. When I move, I slice like a fucking hammer. That's the greatest line of all time. If we ever get Paul Anka on this podcast, will we have the balls to ask him about this? He did Terry Gross. So if he could do Terry Gross.

Frankie, you got a surprise one to take us out on? I do. I'm going to play you this other one. Do a short one. Yeah. For 35 minutes. I invite us Dean Martin. And Jerry Lewis.

We'd like to tell you all about our latest and funniest picture for Paramount. Not really a meltdown, but it's good. Of course you mean the caddy. You'll love Jerry and me in the caddy. Take my word for it. The caddy is the most hilarious picture we've ever made. Come on, join the fun. See Paramount's the caddy. Yeah, the caddy. I love that. You know this. Yeah.

This is what Gilbert calls me. All right, start. You can cut that bit out. I will. Okay. Now, this is Dean Martin. And Jerry Lewis, asking you to see our newest and funniest picture to date. Of course, you mean the caddy.

You bet I do. Crazy, man, crazy. No doubt about it, Dean. This is the funniest picture we've ever made. No kidding, folks. We're sensational. Take my word for it. Come on and join the fun.

See Paramount's the caddy. It'll make you shit. Cut out make. I love that. I love Dean. Cut out make. I love that. I love Dean. Cut out make. Classic. There's more to that one too,

which you can find on YouTube. We should post all the links. It's marvelous. So after Gilbert closes, I got something I'll play is like a button. All right, well,

take us out on it. All right, okay, Gil, sign us out. Hi, this is Gilbert. The only guy I know that says hi when he's signing you out.

Hi! Greets you on a sign out. Hello! This has been Gilbert and Frank's amazing, colossal obsession. And how did you find this episode? Unrewarding? Unrewarding. Ponderous.

Thank you. Fucking ponderous. And that is it for us today. Okay, I don't know. Whatever it is, it's not right on the teleprompter. I don't know what that is. I've never seen that. No, there is. We are going to do Sting, yeah.

Okay, but... Now, I can't read it. There, there is. We are going to do Sting, yeah. Okay, but... Now, I can't read it. There's no words on it. Okay. There's no words there. To play us out. What does that mean? To play us out.

Sting is going to do... It's a video. Sting video. For credits. I don't know what that means, to play us out. What does that mean? I don't know how he doesn't know what that means. It's a video, Sting video. For credits. I don't know what that means, to play us out. What does that mean? I don't know how he doesn't know what that means. To end the show?

Yeah. All right, go, go. In five, four, three. That's tomorrow, and that is a... In five, four, three. That's tomorrow, and that is it for us today. And we will leave you with a, I can't do it. We'll do it live.

We'll do it live. Fuck it. Do it live. I'll write it, and we'll do it live. Fucking thing sucks. In five, four, three. He seems like a nice man that's tomorrow and that is it for us today I'm Bill O'Reilly thanks again for watching

we'll leave you with Sting and a cut off his new album take it away I love this long shot watch this are you freaking out see you next week. Nobody cares. These guys are from England, and who gives a shit? Oh, yeah. It's just a lot of wasted names that don't mean diddly shit. Oh, for sure, for sure. You don't know where you got so much shit about you. This is bullshit.

This is bullshit. Sounds like it's portable, yeah. Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? Yeah, it is cool. Diddly shit. Diddly shit. Diddly shit.

Diddly shit. Yeah, right. Nobody cares. It's getting stronger all the time here. Snuggles. Yeah. Snuggles. Oh. Shit, diddly shit, diddly shit, diddly shit. Nobody cares. Snuggles. Snuggles. Snuggles. He was a little dog named Snuggles.

This is American Top 40. This is American Top 40. This is American Top 40. This is bullshit. This is bullshit.