Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini-Ep #47: Battle of the Network Stars!

Episode Date: February 18, 2016

Each week, comedian Gilbert Gottfried and comedy writer Frank Santopadre share their appreciation of lesser-known films, underrated TV shows and hopelessly obscure character actors -- discussing, dissecting and (occasionally) defending their handpicked guilty pleasures and buried treasures. This week: Telly Savalas takes a stand! Gavin McLeod goes bowling! Victor Buono spoofs Raymond Burr! And Wayne Newton sings "Rhinestone Cowboy"! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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19 plus. Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to connexontario.ca. This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White,

Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. Don't forget to follow us on our Facebook page, Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing colossal podcast, on Twitter, at Real Gilbert ACP, and on Instagram, Gilbert Podfried, P-O-D-F-R-I-E-D. You see, it's kind of a pun on the last name. Ah, never mind. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gil, and I'm here with my co-host. See, I still fuck up. One day, this has only been 787 of these, and I still can't get through it without a mistake. But I'm still Gilbert

Gottfried, and this is Gilbert and Frank's amazing, colossal obsessions, of course with my co-host Frank Santopadre. We're both a little punchy I think at this point. I did a little research from last week. We should update

people that you talked last week about a Bob Hope special. Joys. Joys. See, Jaws was like the biggest film in the world at the time. It was this surprise, like, you know, just a gigantic film, Jaws, when it came out. 75. You know, just a gigantic film, Jaws, when it came out. 75. And so Bob Hope, not at the prime of his career,

decided, he and his writers decided to make Jaws. that was a takeoff on Jaws with any comedian who wasn't working. Anyone who was alive. Yes. Last week we were talking about you were reading the whole cast, which I still have here. It's an insane cast.

Yeah, it's an insane cast. I did a lot of research on it. I mean, here's the cast. I found a couple of things. I found out that a DVD may in fact be available. Oh. So I have to track it down. I know that will make you happy.

You were talking about... Well, it'd make me want to kill myself. Either one. It sounds like one of those... One of those TV specials that... You were saying you brought up

Mike Connors, Mannix, and you were saying, oh, he's always funny. Yes. But I figured out why Mike Connors, Mannix, and you were saying, oh, he's always funny. Yes. But I figured out why Mike Connors is in it. Because Mike Connors was playing Mannix. Angie Dickinson was playing Pepper from Police Woman. Yeah.

And David Jansen is in it because he was playing Harry O. Remember the series Harry O? Oh, my God, yes. And Jim Hutton played Ellery Queen. And Telly Savalas played Kojak. Part of the conceit of this insane thing was that as these murders are taking place at Bob's house, he reaches out to six famous television detectives to solve the murder. Now, this reminds me of another TV movie that had John Biner, Victor Bono, Jamie Farr, Gavin McLeod. Right. And they were playing all the current TV detectives.

Right. I think Burt Young was playing Columbo. Right, and Victor Buono was supposed to be Cannon. Yes, and I guess Jamie Farr and John Beiner was Starsky and Hutch. Oh, God, I remember this thing. What was the name of this? We have to get Paul.

Paul is here. Oh, my God. So it was really like a TV version of Murder by Death. Yes. Whereas Murder by Death, they were playing great movie sleuths. These were great TV. It was very creepy. We got to find the name of that.

While Paul is looking that up, Victor Buono and John Biner. B-Y-N-E-R Jamie Farr and put down Detective did you tell me as we were talking about Joy's last week

that Vincent Price introduced the whole thing that Vincent Price did the wraparound and it is about a human shark committing murders against comedians

in Bob Hope's house which makes those oh geez see now now it really is murders against comedians in Bob Hope's house. Oh, geez. See, now it really is like one of those train wrecks because I know it will

haunt me for the rest of my life, but I have to see the dead bodies. He found it. Okay, go ahead. Hang on. He found it. And, oh, what was... Okay, okay. Go ahead. Hang on. He's putting on his glasses. Murder can hurt you.

Wow. I think that's it. What was the cast? Okay, let's see if I could... Murder can hurt you cast. Okay. Oh, Don Adams, voice only. Marty Allen.

Wow. Victor Bono, John Beiner, Tony Danza, Jamie Farr, Gavin McLeod, Buck Owens. Buck Owens must have been McLeod. Liz Torres, Jimmy Walker, Burt Young. Wow. Incredible. Mitchell Crandell. What's the year on that?

Oh, God. It must have been 70. 1980. 1980. Oh, 1980. So it's like a murder by death knockoff. Somebody said, some development executive or somebody said, oh, it worked for murder by death

with with movie uh detectives and remember on a previous uh very recent previous uh colossal podcast i mean colossal obsessions i i said because we were talking about glasses, eyeglasses. And I said something about cheaters. And I said, I found out. I just taped it. I've taped. Yeah. I taped it. I still have.

I have an old tape recorder where you got to put the tape in the spool. And it goes, when you're rewinding no i i accidentally recorded yeah an episode of thriller with boris carlo i have a bunch of them on dvd and and it they had the cheaters wow episode because it was like he gets a pair of glasses that he can read people's minds with. I barely remember that. Ed Nelson was

in it. Mildred Dunnick. Oh, and Jack Weston. Jack Weston. Listen to this. This is the description. And as sure as my name is Boris Karloff, it's a thriller. Here is a brief description of Joys, and I urge you to go to the Paley Center for Media website and you can read this for yourself.

A television comedy special featuring Bob Hope and a number of comedians in a murder mystery parody. Vincent Price introduces a mystery story about a human shark that commits murders against comedians. Oh! Bob, Jerry Colonna is the first to go. Oh my God! Bob speaks with

some of his guests such as Don Rickles, Don Knotts, and Dean Martin to try to figure out what's going on but they offer no help. Phyllis Diller

comes to investigate and discovers only a mustache and a black glove where Jerry Colonna used to be. David Jansen deduces much information about the killer after examining the glove, but is also killed.

And then it goes on to add a Vigoda, Glenn Campbell, George Burns and George Goebel and Jimmy Walker are killed. Wow! For some reason, Wayne Newton shows up and sings Rhinestone Cowboy. Which is made all the more bizarre by the fact that Glenn Campbell's in the show. And I'll bet you... He doesn't sing his own song. This has got to be one of those movies, TV movies, where, like, you could tell everyone is shot separately.

Yes. Oh, like the roasts. Yeah. Yeah. And you read the cast last week. This has the writers' names, so we're actually going to try to, I think we're going to actually try to find one of these writers. Oh, God.

And get the real story on this. Bob Hope, Don Adams, Jack Albertson, Marty Allen, Desi Arnaz, Billy Barty. It's insane. Pat Butchram, who you said was Pat Buchanan. Sammy Kahn, Glenn Campbell does not sing Rhinestone Cowboy. Charo, Artie Johnson, Alan King, Fred McMurray. Groucho turns up, Vincent Price, Harry Ritz. I heard like Steve Stolier, who worked with Groucho.

Our former guest. He said in his book that he, I think he either went there and watched them film it or just saw it on. I think he watched them film it and said to the producer like, oh, well, Groucho was in bed. And the producer said, what, have you never seen Groucho Marx before in your entire life that you thought that was good? Well, the release date on this, and we touched on this last week, is March 5th, 1976. It ran on a Friday at 8.30.

Groucho would be dead by August of the following year. Oh! So what has he got? A little year and a half left? Oh! When he did this? Incredible. I don't want to spoil it for anybody, by the way,

but Johnny Carson turns out to be the killer. Oh, gee. See, now you ruined the whole movie. and turns out to be the killer. Oh, gee. See, now you ruined the whole movie. Written by Hal Cantor is gone. He would have been great for this show.

Ben Starr, Gig Henry, Charles Lee, Leona Topple. These are Bob Hope writers. We have to see if we can't find any of these people to please come forward and, as a public service, explain this to us. Oh, God. That's the sound of fried chicken with a spicy history. Thornton Prince was a ladies' man. To get revenge, his girlfriend hid spices in his fried chicken.

He loved it so much, he opened Prince's Hot Chicken. Hot chicken in the window. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. The Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast Producer of the Month is steve cory thank you steve be just like steve and get rewarded for supporting our podcast head over to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. Go to patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. That's patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Gilbert Gottfried.

As always, thank you for your generosity. And speaking of all-star debacles. Yes. Because we got a lot of emails and a lot of interest in the roast conversation. And I thought, what could we talk about this week that involved lots and lots of stars and was just as terrible as the roast, in addition to Joyce? And I think I found it. Battle of the Network Stars. Oh my God, yes.

Do you remember? We talked about this with Greg Evigan. Yes. We had him on the show because he competed. These things are wild. It was kind of like reality TV in its infancy. Yeah, yeah. Basically done by ABC.

They ran forever. They ran from 1976 to 1985. People watched these things. Didn't they also have like Celebrity Circus? Yeah, Circus of the Stars. Circus of the Stars. That was it.

That may have been CBS's answer to ABC's successful Battle of the Stars, which at one point became Challenge of the Network Stars. It's really impossible.

They got $20,000. We talked to Greg Evigan about this. Yeah. We didn't talk to Ed Asner, who was also involved in it. But apparently, the winning team, each person got $20,000. Oh, my God. Which is a lot of money for the 70s.

Oh, wow. It's a lot of money now. And Howard Cosell was the announcer, the play-by-play guy, taking it completely seriously. You've got to see these things. They're on YouTube. You know what I'm talking about, Paul? Yeah. was the announcer, the play-by-play guy, taking it completely seriously. You've got to see these things. They're on YouTube. You know what I'm talking about, Paul?

Yeah. They're absolutely dreadful. And listen to these people. The first one was done in 1976. The ABC team was Gabe Kaplan, Linda Carter, Farrah Fawcett, Robert Hedges. Oh, my God, yes! He passed away, Epstein, recently. Ron Howard, Hal Linden, Penny Marshall, and John Shuck.

Oh. Herman Munster himself. And wasn't he also in a show where he was a robot? Yeah, Holmes and Yo-Yo. Yes. And who was the character actor who was the other guy? Richard B. Schull. Oh, okay.

Right. That's it. That's it. I'm really, I'm sorry I know that. The CBS team, the captain was Telly Savalas. Adrian Barbeau, Gary Berghoff, Pat Harrington, who we just lost. Bill Macy, who's still around. Podcast guest Lee Merriweather.

Wait, wait, wait. See, this is one of those alive or dead. Oh, he's alive, Bill Macy. Bill Macy is still alive? I don't know what kind of shape he's in, but he's with us. Loretta Swit was on the team. And once again, the only link between Battle of the Network stars, Joys, and what was that thing called?

Murder Can Hurt You? Jimmy Walker. Oh, my God. The NBC team was captained by Robert Conrad, Melissa Sue Anderson, Ben Murphy from Alias Smith & Jones. Oh, yes, yes. Kevin Tye. That was like a total ripoff of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Bobby Troop and Kevin Tye from Emergency. Barbara Parkins. Do you remember her? Tim Matheson. Barbara Parkins. Do you remember her? Tim Matheson. Barbara Parkins. And DeMond Wilson. Yeah. And it goes on like that.

If you go to the Wikipedia page, you cannot believe how many of these things they did. I mean, OJ turns up in one of them. Caitlyn Jenner. Bruce Jenner turns up in one of them. And there's a very funny article in Vulture, a New York magazine, written by the funny comedian Dave Holmes, where he just goes into detail about it. And they show clips. And there's a clip of Telly Savalas arguing with Robert Conrad.

And it really looks like they're going to go to blows because of the CBS team. Telly Savalas is captaining the CBS team, and he's accusing the NBC team of cheating. Oh, jeez. And he's smoking a cigarette. Oh, jeez. Now, Barbara Parkins, is she from Peyton Place? Or Valley of the Dolls or something.

Might have been one of those. Yeah, I think she was on Peyton Place, too. But I urge our listeners to go look at this clip. Oh, God. Because you can see Gabe Kaplan and Bruce Jenner and Robert Conrad. Oh. And Telly Savalas and Telly smoking a butt. And you're waiting to wake up from this horrible dream.

How could this be happening? And Telly's saying, I'm Greek. My people invented the games. Oh, God. It's absolutely surreal. And Conrad, who I believe was a bit of a combative fellow, looks like he's going to punch somebody out. I mean, Tony Randall.

There's one in the late 70s, early 80s of Billy Crystal competing with David Letterman, running through tires. And I'm trying to remember what they call that. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's an obstacle course. An obstacle course. It's incredible.

Linda Carter going into a swimming pool with Adrienne Barbeau. You would like that one. Oh, yes. John Davidson captaining one team. William Shatner. William Devane. Pernell Roberts. I mean, it's just surreal.

You got to go and look at these things. Parodied very well on Saturday Night Live is the network battle of the T's and A's. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. Barbara Perkins was in Valley of the Dolls. There you go.

Was she in Peyton Place also? I'm looking. I don't see it. She was in a TV show. But anyway, you've got to go and look at these things. And look at the funny article in Mental Floss, too, which is a very funny magazine, talking all about Battle of the Network Stars. But I didn't know they got $20,000.

I always thought they did this because the networks bullied them into doing it. I thought it would be like one of these scaled things, like, you know, you got to plug a show. I always thought so. Peyton Place. Peyton Place. All right, Gilbert Gottfried. I was right.

All right. And in Vulture, I'm in one of their articles now. Oh, was that the top, the funniest jokes of all time? The funniest jokes of all time. The funniest jokes of all time. They do my September 11th. Right, so we should give you a plug for that. Anyway, that's a brief history of Battle of the Network Stars. Wow. We're barely scratching the surface. It's, you could lose, I think ESPN Classics was running it. And then who hosted Celebrity Bowling? Oh, I'm glad you brought that up.

Before we sign off, a chance to give a shout-out to our pal Gino Salamone. Oh, yes. Who claimed, who keeps calling me and saying, I'm sending you these DVDs of Celebrity Bowling. I've never seen them. I think Jed Allen was the host. Jed Allen. Does that mean anything to you?

And he was one of those guys. I remember talking about it on some VH1 special or something. But he was one of those guys who seemed like he was bombed out of his skull on everyone. He might have been. He had to have been. I don't think I can blame him. Yeah. Did you watch any of those celebrity bowling episodes?

Oh, yeah. Billy Barty's on one. Yeah. To watch him run up and throw the bowling ball. They used him as a ball. Well, anyway, I can't remember the channel it was on, but they were running a marathon a while back. And you see Michael Ansara and Gavin McLeod and John Shuck and Clint Walker and what's his name? Claude Akins.

Oh, my God. And they're all bowling. It's beyond bad. And it did 144 episodes of celebrity bowling. There you go. See, back then, though. Wow. Back then, all of those TV shows, including Hollywood Squares, the original ones, most of those people drank, and they always supplied alcohol backstage.

Well, that explains a lot. By the way, our friend Dick Van Dyke, who we've probably put up by the time this is posting, he and Joan Van Ark co-hosted in 1985 Battle of the Network Stars. Oh, jeez. So there you go. One thing we forgot to ask him about. So this has been a very disturbing episode. I think the show has, these many episodes have taken a dark turn.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's become strange, unhealthy obsessions. It's all a bad fever dream. Well, you started it with the Bob Hope. Oh, yeah. With Jack Frost.

I watched that again. I have it on a loop. Oh, God. I'm Jack Frost. His voice was high-pitched. And you could see they probably, like, somebody hit him in the ribs and said, just say, I'm Jack Frost. I'm Jack Frost. That cattle shocking thing.

What's his name? Carries around in No Country for Old Men. Oh, yes. What's his name? Carries around in No Country for Old Men. Oh, yes. And in Casino. Yes. All right. So anyway, Joys, Battle of the Network Stars. Celebrity Bowling.

What was the other one? Murder Can Hurt You. Murder Can Hurt You, my favorite. Okay, listeners, you got your work cut out for you this week. So this has been I'm Gilbert Gottfried with my co-host Frank Santopadre, and this has been Gilbert and Frank's amazing, colossal, if not suicidal obsession. Follow us on Patreon and GilbertGottfried.com and our new podcast website, GilbertPodcast.com.

See you next week. obsessions colossal obsessions colossal obsessions