Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini-Ep #63: ALL-STAR COMEDY FLOPS Part 2

Episode Date: June 9, 2016

Each week, comedian Gilbert Gottfried and comedy writer Frank Santopadre share their appreciation of lesser-known films, underrated TV shows and hopelessly obscure character actors -- discussing, dissecting and (occasionally) defending their handpicked guilty pleasures and buried treasures. This week: "Yellowbeard" walks the plank! Ringo cashes a check (or two)! And Mae West puts the moves on Alice Cooper!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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What do you think of that? Yes, because like I always talk about, the first time we did a podcast together, we were sitting in a pizza store. Yeah. And we can't say the guy's name. The pizza store owner? No. I like the way you call it a pizza store and we can't say the guy's name. The pizza store owner? No. I like the way you call it a pizza store. Yeah.

A pizzeria. And I was saying to you, well, you know, we tried it. We gave it a shot. Gave it a shot. And here we are 100 and something, 108, 110 episodes later. And we've voted for best podcast podcast well not yet yes but we're

nominated it's only a matter of time cocky because you'll all go out you will go out and vote for gilbert gottfried's amazing colossal podcast go out and vote yes go to Podcast. Go out and vote. Yes, go to www.podcastawards.com. Tell them which podcast you want to vote for. That's us. And they're telling me that you can vote every day, that it resets. Oh, you can vote every day, folks. Vote every day for Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast.

Voting starts May 29th for two weeks. And I guess you can vote early and often. Yes, yes. Vote all you want. I don't know if you can vote. Vote for Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast because if it becomes big enough, I can get a new co-host. That's what this is really all about. That's all I want.

Please make me happy. Again, www.podcastawards.com, and we thank you guys. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and I'm here at Nutmeg Post with our engineer, Frank Ferdarosa, and I'm sitting across from my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And once again, as our guest, we have the author of heavy metal movies, Guitar Barbarians, Mutant Bimbos, and Cult Zombies Amok in the 666 most ear and eye-ripping big screen films ever. Mike McBeardo McPadden. Oh, he's got it.

He did. That's nice. Why should he get your name in two episodes when it took him 12 to get mine? He loves you more. That's nice. Why should he get your name in two episodes when it took him 12 to get mine? Yeah. He loves you more. Yeah. Yeah. With Frank, I think it was over two years we worked on this.

All right. Now, this is a continuation of last week's episode, and Mike flew back into town to do this again. My wife is very understanding. Thank you, Rachel. The theme, yeah, and this is just fun for us. We could go on all night. The theme is bad all-star, what are we saying, all-star comedies? We'll say all-star comedy mega bombs.

Okay. Disasters, yeah. Okay. So in the last episode, we talked about the immortal Skatetown USA. Yes. Juan Tonton, the dog that saved Hollywood, which we should have asked Bruce Dern about. And the immortal The Finks. So what do we got this time, Mike?

Well, this is actually a film I kind of love called Sextet with Mae West. I'm familiar with it. Yes. And it was actually her last film. So Mae was not exactly in Jogging. Well, you know, 1978. Yeah. So she was 84, but they think she may have been older.

Yeah. They also think she might have had a cock, as you know. But. Well, then. You realize that this rumor will be popping up in every one of these podcasts from now on. So, you know, it was done by, I can't think of the guy's name, but it was an exploitation. It was made at the height of Rocky Horror to be a midnight movie. Our researcher is also here, Paul Rayburn.

Paul, who directed Sextet. This is after the fame or infamy of Myra Breckenridge. I just realized I can't believe I don't have Myra Breckenridge on this list. Was it safe to say that was an all-star cast? As I remember Rex Reed. John Huston. Raquel Welch. I think it's Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck is in it, yeah.

Who did I say? Rex Reed's in it. Rex Reed plays Myra. Who wakes up and says, where are my tits? After his operation. Oh, John Carradine. Oh, my God, yes, has the mad doctor. And he's whistling it to her.

He goes, I call that penis from heaven. Oh, God. Oh, what these great actors were reduced to. And, of course, I heard Raquel Welch and Mae West hated each other. Yes, yeah. Okay, Paul's here with the director of Sextet Eddie Terstel Eddie Terstel

Eddie Terstel Oh, his father died in my basement I never heard of him Why didn't you let him out? Eddie Terstel Eddie Terstel All right, tell us about Sextet, my friend So, it was based on a play that Mae West wrote in the 20s and went to jail for on Roosevelt Island.

She was locked up for obscenity. I remember. Called Sex. And she plays a parody of herself called Marlowe Manners. And she's the hottest chick in Hollywood. But it's Mae West. She's pushing 90. And the Sextet are her ex-husbands.

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Okay. And they have an amazing duet. They sing Love Will Keep Us Together by the Captain and Tamir. Oh, geez. And it comes out of nowhere. It's amazing. I've got to see this. Because he's sitting there on their wedding night and he just goes Oh, love.

And then the music starts and he just goes Love will keep us together. So Neil Sedaka got a check. Yes. And May's big part in that is he's like she goes, I will. I will. I will. Now, I heard. I will, I will. Now, I heard, I don't know if it's true, but that's never stopped me before.

No. That Mae West at that point could not remember if she had one word. Right. So she had the earphone. Oh, that makes sense. In her ear. And I heard it was really a bad connection, and she was getting airplane signals. So at some point she was going, we're flying at a high altitude. Wind is coming from the northeast.

She's waiting for a line, and she's getting transmissions from LAX. There will be heavy turbulence. And then she'd really play up the word cockpit. She'd be like, this is from the cockpit. Tell us the rest of the cast. So Dom DeLuise is her assistant. He sings Honey Pie by the Beatles. Great.

Tony Curtis is her Russian diplomat. Oh, jeez. Ringo Starr is her egomaniacal Italian director ex. Keith Moon is her fashion designer. Of course. And there's a big montage where he has these gowns for her to model. And she looks like this fucking creature from hell. And she comes out and there's like a big brassy music.

And it's just like da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And then she'll do one of her own lines. She's like, I'm the girl who works for Paramount all day and Fox all night. And Keith Moon is playing a flaming homosexual. He's just flipping out. Who else is in this? Alice Cooper is a bellboy. Of course.

In a short hair wig. And he plays a disco song on the piano, which is actually great. George Hamilton is her mafiosa ex. George Raft she's in the elevator with and she's like, hey George, haven't seen you in about two years. He's like, I was doing two years. We gotta get George Hamilton. Oh my god.

Oh yeah. And then Rona Barrett. Then I realized Rona Barrett is also in The Finks and she's also in Wanton Ton. Wow. So she's another triple A. Okay, now what is the name of the speech defect that Rona Barrett had? Because she

had almost like an Elmer Fudd type of... Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Baba Wawa is, I don't know. Wow, so that's Sextet. Sextet. And then, yeah, when I interviewed Alice Cooper for the Heavy Metal Movies book, and he told me that May took him aside and said,

well, all right, big boy, let's go on up to my place. Oh, no. She made a pass at Alice Cooper. She made a serious pass, and he said, I'm flattered. He said, you're 100 years old, and I think you might be a man. And then he went and told Keith Moon, who said, oh, you think that makes you special? She did it to me, too.

And Ringo. Oh, geez. Ouch. And we don't know. Alice said he turned her down. I don't know about the other two. Okay, so where do you want to go here? You've got a couple left on your list. How about Yellowbeard, Million Dollar Mystery. Let's talk about Yellowbeard, Million Dollar Mystery? Fine, let's talk about

Yellowbeard because I've actually seen that one. Rattle off the cast of Yellowbeard for us. So, okay, so this is like,

you've seen Yellowbeard? I don't remember. Graham Chapman from Monty Python. From 83 this is from. Yeah. And this is like a meeting,

I mean, this is, you know, your all-star cast. James Mason. So, James Mason, yeah. But in terms of comedy, it's The Goon Show, Monty Python. Spike Milligan.

Mel Brooks. And Cheech and Chong. Like all the coterie of actors. And so we've got James Mason. But Graham Chapman, Eric Idle, John Cleese. Peter Cook, Spike Milligan. Madeline Kahn, Peter Boyle, Kenneth Mars. Cheech and Chong.

And David Bowie as the voice of a shark. It is fucking shit. I mean, there is not a funny second in this film. I don't remember it. I remember seeing it when I was in college. It's another one that, like, it gives you a headache. It's a migraine.

Well, they all disowned it, didn't they? Yes. Chapman directed it? Yes. Chapman directed it? Yes. Yeah. Now, when you were mentioning Ringo Starr, Ringo Starr was also in that- Candy? Yeah, Candy.

That's another debacle. Yes. Goddamn, we should have brought that up. Yes, and who else was- Okay. John Huston. Oh, yeah, John Huston. Richard Burton.

Right. John Huston. Oh, yeah, John Huston. Richard Burton. Right. John Astin is sort of the Peter Sellers role in terms of being like he plays a bunch of different characters. And that was a thing back then to imitate Dr. Strangelove, which, of course, was written by Terry Souther. Well, you know what was funny? Well, you know what was funny?

At the beginning of The Finks, there's like some schtick at the beginning, and then the opening is cartoon. Right. So it obviously wants to be the Pink Panther. Yes. Oh, that's an excellent point, too. Yeah. All these caper things. I remember about Yellowbeard. It came out around the same time as another big-budget pirate movie that bombed, and that was Pirates with Walter Matthau.

The Polanski. Polanski movie. Of all people. Which was like one of the most expensive films ever made. It was a gigantic. Pirate movies just bombed one after the other. Oh, and Gina Davis. Oh, and Cutthroat Island.

That killed her career. Funnier than Yellowbeard. And now, wasn't Brando was in Candy, too? Yes. Yes. And I'm trying to think, Lee Marvin or is it James Colburn? It was an all-star cast. Yeah.

And then what was the movie also, something beard, something about a strangler, that was also an all-star film, something beard. Stranglebeard. I don't know. Stranglebeard. Yeah, Stranglebeard. Better than Yellowbeard. Don't forget to follow us on our Facebook page. Gilbert

Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast on Twitter at Real Gilbert ACP and on Instagram Gilbert Podfried. You see, it's kind of a pun on the last And on Instagram, Gilbert Podfreed. You see, it's kind of a pun on the last name.

Yeah, skip it. Also, visit our terrific new website, GilbertPodcast.com for the latest news, episodes, synopsis, behind-the- the scenes photos and videos and other cool stuff. And if you like the show and you know you do, please rate and review us on iTunes. Can't you see we're starved for affection for the love of God? And what about, and this one Gilbert and I have talked about on this show, talked about actual rip-offs of It's a Mad, Mad World. Do you want some of the candy casts?

Yeah, please. We've got a cast of candy here from our researcher, Paul Rayburn. Marlon Brando. Sure, Brando. Ringo Starr. Ringo. Whoops, sorry. You can take it right at the mic.

Ringo is the Mexican gardener. James Coburn. Why is Ringo turning up in all these bombs? Walter Mather. Charles Aznavour. Of course. Anita Pellenberg. John Houston.

John Aston. Wow. Elsa Martinelli. Buck Henry. And there are pages more. Yeah. Julian Beck and Judith Molina. Wow.

Wow, wow, wow. So all-star cast, no question. Yeah, and a tremendous flop. Yeah, and not a good film either. No, it's sort of, it's in the same, it keeps company with The Magic Christian, I think. Not The Magic Christian. I like The Magic Christian. What's the one I'm thinking of with John Huston, the all-star bomb?

Myra Breckenridge. Oh, Casino Royale. Yeah, I mean, kind of Magic Christian, which's the one I'm thinking of with John Huston, the all-star bomb? Casino Royale. Kind of Magic Christian, which is a very likable film, yes, very much. But also doesn't really kind of work. But was there a movie where Richard Burton is a strangler? It sounds familiar. Paul?

I'm here. While that's happening. Assassination of Trotsky. Oh, Hammersmith is out. That's what I think that's called. Hammersmith is out. Hammersmith is out. I think that's what that's happening. The assassination of Trotsky. Oh, Hammersmith is out. That's what I think that's called. Hammersmith is out. Hammersmith is out. I think that's what that's called. I remember Richard Burton in the Bad Exorcist sequel.

Oh, Exorcist 2. Oh, God. The Heretic. The Heretic. Yes. Which does have a, oh, yes, where he says, Kakumum will help me find Pazuzu. And was there not a movie where they tried to pair Richard Burton and Linda Blair in a May-December? No, it was Richard Burton and Tatum O'Neill in Circle of Two.

And she has severely mismatched boobs. Who else besides Richard Burton was in this movie? The Strangler movie? Yeah. We'll put it out there to our fans. I could be wrong about Aaron Smith. Okay, but Paul's working on it. But in the meantime, if he doesn't come up with it.

Oh, Blackbeard. Blackbeard. Blackbeard. That's it. I knew they had a beard in it. With Elkie Sommer. We got it. Yes, Blackbeard.

Yes. Okay. Sybil Danning, Elkie Sommer. Yes. And he kills all his wives. Is it a comedy? Yes. It was a black comedy.

He said it was his tribute to Vincent Price. Who the hell would put Richard Burton in a black comedy? Yes. It was a black comedy. He said it was his tribute to Vincent Price. Who the hell would put Richard Burton in a black comedy? Yeah. I don't know. Elizabeth Taylor. Tame it with your sense of humor. Okay. So now what we've talked about and the genesis of this, even before you told us you were coming in,

Gilbert and I were talking about clones of It's a Mad, Mad World. These kind of all-star casts, but specifically chasing a fortune. Right. Or, you know, someone dies and his fortune is scattered to the airs and it's a madcap pursuit. This movie, Million Dollar Mystery. Oh, yes. From 1987 was the one Gilbert was trying to think of. That had the hefty bags.

It was Gladlock bags. Oh, Gladlock bags. Gladlock bags. So explain to us. So this was inspired by Dino De Laurentiis saw people lined up in Times Square and he thought they were going to see a movie, but they were buying lottery tickets. So he thought, if only there was a way I could have combined. Oh, you're funny.

So he thought if only there was a way I could have combined. Oh, you're funny. So the premise was this movie that was co-financed by Gladlock Garbage Bags. Yes. Would be about this fortune that gets thrown out somewhere in America. And the audience at the end of the movie can go find the actual million dollars. We'll see the people on screen looking for it, and then you can go. But throughout the film, people are like, hand me that Gladlock bag. Oh, jeez.

So it's not exactly product placement. It's not subtle. Yeah, it's placement with product, I guess. Dino De Laurentiis. Yeah, and a massive bomb. And we really want to stretch the idea of star by calling this an all-star cast. Yeah, this was a little bit of stretch, but it falls into the other category. Oh, absolutely. Which is rip-offs.

Which is the mad, like, yeah, exactly. Okay, so who's the cast? I want to say this is, yet again, an Eddie Deason vehicle. Eddie Deason. We got to get Eddie. You have to. We'll call him. Tom Bosason. We got to get Eddie. You have to. We'll call him. Tom Bosley.

Rich Hall, who plays, this was another thing. Oh, the Sniglet's guy. Yes. In the 80s was like, there'd always be a Rambo parody in a movie. Yeah. So he plays the Rambo type of character, originally. There's a Rambo parody in the Weird Al movie, isn't there? Yes.

Yeah. Which is well done. But everything, Gremlins 2, I mean, you name it. Kevin Pollack, Rick Overton, Penny Baker, who was the 35th anniversary Playboy centerfold. Greg Travis, do you remember him, the stand-up? He was David Sleaze, the punk magician. Can't say I do. What's his character?

A professional wrestler named Hard-Boiled Haggerty. Gilbert wrestled under that name. Yes. Hard-Boiled Haggerty. Gilbert wrestled under that name. Yes. Hard-Boiled Haggerty. And then a 14-year-old girl did win the prize. She guessed that it was- So there was a prize. There really was a million dollars in a Gladlock bag.

Let's be sure to say a Gladlock bag. It was behind the nose of the Statue of Liberty. I'm thinking of Joe Dante's impression of Dino when he was on the show. The shark, he go crazy, kill the land, kill everybody. And before we run out of time and we're on the subject of Mad World Variations, it's a Mad, Mad World Variations. They're homages, to put it politely. Tell us about, and people have to remember this one, Rat Race. Rat Race from 2001.

You know, unremarkable, but Gilbert would like this. What is funny about it is the Nazi humor that's in it. But it's – How did you not turn up in any of these, Gilbert? I know. This is a good question. Oh, it's amazing. Yeah, Rowan Atkinson ends up looking –

Yes, they go to the Barbie Museum, but it turns out to be the Klaus Barbie Museum. And through one of these madcap slapstick moments, Rowan Atkinson, Mr. Bean, ends up with the Hitler mustache. Well, he's always funny. Yeah, no, I mean, the cast is good. It's Whoopi Goldberg, Rowan Atkinson, John Lovitz, John Cleese, Wayne Knight, Dave Thomas, Kathy Najimy. But it's one of those movies that keeps going, you know, always clumsy. Oh, yeah. Because they've got to go to each one's.

Right. And none of them are that funny. No, including Mad, Mad World. Oh, yeah. Mad, Mad World was never that funny. Right. But these other ones are horrible. Yeah, Rat Race is not good.

And then in Rat Race, I think it's got John Cleese as the rich guy. And so the way they trick him is they're on stage and they go, and, you know, Mr. So-and-so is going to be giving you a billion dollars to this. And he's like all shocked and scared. And I'm thinking, why can't he just go, no, no, I wasn't going to do that. That would have robbed the world of rat race. Oh, yes. Had it gone that way.

Yeah. Gil, how you didn't turn up in one of these is really beyond me. I mean, at least rat race or million dollar mystery. Oh, yeah. And then, you know, there's Dave Thomas in this, and it made me think there's another movie we won't go too far, called Speed Zone. Okay, go ahead.

Which is like a lot of the SCTV cast, and that's my favorite television show of all time is SCTV. They didn't make one decent fucking movie. No. All of them until Levy hooked up with Chris Guest. Oh, Chris Guest.

You don't like Strange Brew? Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, actually, the actual spinoff movie that I forgot. Yes. Strange Brew was pretty good. It's fun. But I just remember back when, like, Speed Zone is John Candy and Joe Flaherty. And, you know, these movies would come out and I'd see John Candy and just go, oh, this is going to suck.

Like one after another. I got one here, buddy. Yes. Before we sign off. Please. Did I interrupt you? Go ahead just go, oh, this is going to suck. Like one after another. I got one here, buddy. Yes. Before we sign off. Please. Did I interrupt you? Go ahead. Not at all, no.

Okay. I found an all-star cast bad comedy from the 70s. All right. And much of the cast is still alive. Okay. And we can invite them to do the show. And the movie is called The Big Bus. Oh, yes.

Of course, the nuclear-powered bus. Oh, my God. It's a disaster movie. Oh! A parody of disaster movies, yes. Oh, my God. It's a disaster movie. A parody of disaster movies, yes. Oh, my God! Holy moly. Yes!

I really slept on the big bus. Directed by Jim Frawley, who was a Monkees guy, a Monkees director. Listen to this cast. Joe Bologna, who we should have. Oh, yeah. Stalker Channing, who's around. John Beck, who I think was in Xanadu. That's Michael Beck. Michael Beck. John think was in Xanadu. That's Michael Beck.

Michael Beck. John Beck was in The Other Side of Midnight. Rene Aubergineau. Oh, he's good. I love saying that. Ned Beatty. Bob Dishy. Remember Bob Dishy?

Yeah. Jose Ferrer. Ruth Gordon. Harold Gould. Larry Hagman. Sally Kellerman. Lynn Redgrave. Richard Mulligan.

Stuart Margolin. Oh. Coming on with us. Howard Hesselman. Oh, he is? Great. He is. Vic Tabak. Vito Scotti.

And the list goes on. Terrible. What I've seen. I did see that. I saw that on Channel 2, on CBS. The big bus. Yes. Yeah.

And what was the plot? Was it a nuclear-powered bus? It was a nuclear-powered bus going from New York to Cleveland, and the big joke was like, why Cleveland? Why not? Right. So it was a spoof of Ir? It was a nuclear-powered bus going from New York to Cleveland, and the big joke was like, why Cleveland? Why not? Right. So it was a spoof of an Irwin Allen movie. Right, exactly.

With the all-star cast. Yeah. I'm trying to think. Were there other big-budget disaster spoofs? Were they piled actors, other than like Swarm, which spoofs itself, or Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, or any of those bad 80s Irwin Allen joints? Not that I can think. I think The Big Bus was one and done. The Big Bus.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. Off the cliff, yeah. Man, this has been the most depressing mini-episode series that we've ever done. So that's it from Mike. You want to plug the book? Okay. Oh, yeah.

You say the name of the book? Okay. Oh, yeah. You say the name of the book. Okay, it's Heavy Metal Movies, Guitar Barbarians, Mutant Bimbos, and Cult Zombies Amok, in the GGG most ear and most ear and eye

ripping, big scream films ever. Exclamation point. And can you say anything about the book you're working on or is that uh yeah yeah the next book is called going all the way the ultimate guide to teen sex comedy movies of the vhs era that'll be out for christmas fantastic and i will invite our listeners to uh submit ideas or not ideas but submit names of big budget, big cast, all-star cast flops. Please. I mean, the big bus was out there, and I missed it.

That's okay. I don't know why that popped into my head. Yeah. Yeah. Joe Bologna. Thank God it did. Thank God. Who's around.

And I'm Gilbert Gottfried with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we've been talking once again to Mike McPadden. Thank you, Mike. Thank you Mike. Thank you boys. This was fun. Gilbert and Frank's colossal amazing colossal. Something like that. One day. Fuck it. One day I'll get the title right. Gilbert and Frank's colossal obsessions Give me that fract, colossal obsessions

Give me that fract, colossal Obsessions