Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini-Ep #67: Strange Movie Titles

Episode Date: July 7, 2016

Each week, comedian Gilbert Gottfried and comedy writer Frank Santopadre share their appreciation of lesser-known films, underrated TV shows and hopelessly obscure character actors -- discussing, dissecting and (occasionally) defending their handpicked guilty pleasures and buried treasures. This week: George Zucco drops out! William "One Shot" Beaudine! The genius of Rick Baker! And Kris Kringle meets Pia Zadora! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And this is Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsessions. And if you haven't seen the headline of the New York Times, it said, Gottfried's poor choice of co-host cost him the podcast award. Oh, really?

Oh, we're on the cover of the Times, are we? Yes. You sure it wasn't that they didn't bring the street news back that they used to sell on the D train? You sure you didn't read that, my mistake? They're the paper of record. Of course. For God's sake.

The podcast award. I was watching that. Yeah. And, I mean, if you win that award, you have to buy the award. You want to throw these poor guys under the bus? Yes! Yes! You have to buy the fucking award from them.

You're not going to win next year, buddy. I'll tell you right now. You can kiss that nomination goodbye. It's so prestigious. I don't think Meryl Streep. It turned out to be like five guys in their cellar. Yes. I don't think that Meryl Streep ever had to go into her purse and go,

I'll have the medium-sized Academy Award, please. Could you throw that in my bag? Yeah. Well, nonetheless, we really... You sound more and more like Cesar Romero's Joker sometimes with that laugh.

We really should thank our fans and our listeners who voted in record numbers. Yes, they did. Apparently not enough numbers. So fuck you, fans. How dare you? We have to thank everybody.

People were voting, you know, every day. Yeah, no, the fans were great. And getting their sisters and their mother to vote and their dog. So we thank you guys. We took a shot. Just like the shot you're taking at the organizers. Well, I wasn't going to buy that award. Oh, no.

I hate me. If it was $1.80, you wouldn't have bought it. Basically, it's about as prestigious as when the youth had those plastic gold cups. That would say, World's Greatest Dad. This could be perceived as sour grapes because we didn't win. I hope you realize that. Okay, now.

Okay. You got the house cleaning out of the way. Good luck getting nominated next year. Our friend, Jonathan Winchell, who's a lovely guy who's been interning for the show and helping us out a lot, and he's quite knowledgeable, he said, why don't you and Gilbert do an episode about bizarre movie titles? Yes. Or off-the-wall titles, which we've alluded to in previous shows. Oh, a bunch of them.

Like Quacks or Fortune has a cousin in the Bronx. With Gene Hackman. Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder. See, I'm fucking up left and right. You're becoming Norm Crosby. Yes. You're becoming the master of the Malaprop.

So I wrote down, actually, Jonathan prepared a wonderful list. We're going to start with, I want to read some of these titles. And these are horror titles. These aren't so much bad titles as these are fun movie titles off the top. And then we'll move on to kind of ridiculous titles. All of a sudden, I've got this thing like something poor and so- I got it right here. I got it right here.

This is based on a play by Arthur Coppett. This was a movie with Rosalind Russell and Robert Morse. And Jonathan Winters called, Oh, Dad, Poor Dad. Mamas hung you in the closet, and I'm feeling so sad. That's it? Right. It was a play. Only this show.

It was a play by the great Arthur Coppett. It was turned into a movie. Music by, I circled this, Neil Hefti. Oh, my God. would have that? It was a play by the great Arthur Coppett. It was turned into a movie. Music by, I circled this, Neil Hefty. Oh, my God. How about that? From The Odd Couple and How to Murder Your Wife and, of course, Batman. It's described by the author as a farce in three scenes involving an overbearing mother, played by Rosalind Russell, who travels to a luxury resort in the Caribbean,

bringing along her son and her deceased husband preserved in his casket. So it's a black comedy. George Kirby's in it. You know what's, oh, well then it's a black comedy. Cut that out. Yeah. The Jeffersons was a black comedy. And Good Times was a black comedy.

And Watermelon Man. Yes. So here are some titles that Jonathan sent us. I mean, the first one on the list was kind of funny, The Amazing Colossal Man, which was the— That's right. I wonder whatever happened to that title. Some clowns bastardized it for a podcast. Burt Gordon, Burt I. Gordon, who we still have to get.

I don't know if you'd know any of these, but I want to run them past you. Attack of the Puppet People was also a Bird Eye Gordon movie from 1958. I remember the title. I don't get a clear image. How about Attack of the Giant Leeches? Yes. Does that mean anything to you? I remember also the title, and I don't remember if I saw them.

I'm just going to fly through these and see if you know any of these. The Brain That Wouldn't Die. Oh, yes. The Brain That Wouldn't Die. Oh, yes. The Brain That Wouldn't Die. I think, is that the one that has a girl's head

or a guy's head on a table? I don't know. And in the other room is this weird monster that they have locked away. I've not seen it. I was trusting you to see it. In the credits, the film is mistakenly titled The Head That Wouldn't Die. So it was two titles. I think this is it. And at the end, the monster breaks out and smashes up everything, including knocking

the head off the table. Okay, so we'll throw this one out to our listeners. What do you guys know about The Brain That Wouldn't Die from 1962? If it's the one I'm thinking of, it's a great one. Okay. It's just wacky. Here's The Creeping Terror from 1964. Oh, that's the one where it looked like a rolled up carpet. A shag carpet. Yes.

The carpet that eats people. And these actors were basically crawling backwards to make it look like they were being swallowed. That's the one. 1964. Now, was that One-Shot Bodine? No, that was directed by and starring the immortal Vic Savage. Oh, okay. We'll get to One-Shot Bodine.

Yes. I have him on the list. A couple of beach movies with Vincent Price. We've talked about these. Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, which is a great title. And Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs. Here's a few others you might have remembered. Hercules Against the Moon Men.

That do anything for you? Oh, it's me an erection. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. You would discard this on principle because it was directed by somebody named Giacomo Gentilomo. A guinea? Yes, exactly. A guinea would be making a bad horror film? The Hideous Sun Demon?

Hideous Sun Demon, I remember, is one of those movies that would pop up on TV like every other day when I was a kid. Okay. And I think it was followed by the Hideous She Demon. Wow. All I have is 1959. We just have the titles here. I don't have a lot of information. It's kind of like a bad ripoff of Creature of the Black Lagoon.

Okay. From 59, directed by Robert Clark and Tom Boutros. I Spit on Your Grave. That's the girl gets raped and she vows her revenge. Right. Yes. Here's one. Incubus with William Shatner.

I love that title. This is the one where the film's dialogue all took place in Esperanto. Oh. Do you know this movie? I've heard of this. Worth looking into. Incubus. I think, if I'm not mistaken, I think that our pal Mike McPadden might have sent me a copy of that.

All right. You asked for William Bodine. William One-Shot Bodine. Jesse James meets Frankenstein's daughter. John Carradine was in that. Right. From 1966. And Billy the Kid versus Dracula.

Oh, yes. Yeah. Also with John Carradine. You got to love these titles. Here's one, Microwave Massacre from 1983. Oh, wait, Jackie Vernon? How did you know that? Yes.

That's sick. Yes. Jackie Vernon, who used to do an act where he'd have a clicker and he would act like he's showing slides. Correct. And he'd go, here's some slides from my vacation. Here we are being led around the quicksand. That's it.

He was also Frosty the Snowman. That's right. Yeah. A guy, here's the synopsis, a guy kills his wife because she's a bad cook from 1983. The fact that you knew that. It's pathetic. Terrifying and pathetic at once. Here's one. The fact that you knew that. It's pathetic. Terrifying and pathetic at once. Here's one. The rats are coming. The werewolves

are here. Yes, I remember that title. From 1972. I don't think I saw it, though. Don't forget to follow us on our Facebook page. Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast on Twitter at Real Gilbert ACP and on Instagram, Gilbert

Podfreed. You see, it's kind of a pun on the last name. Yeah, skip it. Also, visit our terrific new website, Gilbertilbertpodcast.com, for the latest news, episodes, synopsis, behind-the-scenes photos, and videos, and other cool stuff. And if you like the show, and you know you do, please rate and review us on iTunes.

Can't you see we're star perfection? For the love of God. Okay, here's one you do know. Return of the Ape Man. Yes, that was with... Now, this is interesting. Because the Ape Man hadaila Lugosi. Right.

Now, I don't know that the return of the ape man had Lugosi. He's here on the list, directed by Phil Rosen. But you want to know something? In Return of the Ape Man, they have listed George Zuko. Yeah, he's on the list here. But I heard George Zuko fell out of the picture, but it would cost too much money to change the titles. Wow. So it goes down forever

as George Zucco, and he's not in the movie. That's interesting. And John Carradine is also in it. John Carradine, anything for a bottle of booze. Oh, God. You know, John Carradine may have more IMDb credits than any actor who ever lived. Oh, my God. If you go to his page and you look at his credits, I mean, he worked consistently like 50 movies a year. And what I loved with John Carradine was, you know, there's a lot of pathetic drunks. He was one of those happy drunks.

Yeah, yeah. He was just, there was one movie that he narrates, I think Return from the Past, and he's hiding a cigarette in his hand. You know, he didn't even bother to put the cigarette out as he's shooting, you know. He was good in good stuff. I mean, in good films, he rose to the occasion. He was even great in The Howling. Yes, yes, and Dante used him, our pal Joe Dante.

Robinson Crusoe on Mars from 1964 with Adam West. Another old guest. Another former guest. I know you know this one. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Yes, that's a fine film. From 1964. I believe a young this one. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Ah, yes. That's a fine film. From 1964. I believe a young Pia Zadora is in that movie.

Oh! Why would she lower herself to that? If I'm not misspeaking, I believe she was a child. That must have been during a slow period. Lowered into it. You know this one with Sid Haig and Lon Chaney Jr. The Spider Baby? The Spider Baby or The Maddest Story

Ever Told. Oh my god. We gotta get Sid Haig on too. Yeah, Sid Haig. Because he knew Lon Chaney Jr. Dara, take a note. She's out there. Sid Haig. S-A-I-G. This is a paid advertisement from BetterHelp. As a podcast listener, you've heard from us before. Today,

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Then he's not on the show. How about a movie called Squirm from 1976, which was about worms that burrow into people's bodies. Yes! Rick Baker did the special effects. Rick Baker, who was

a genius, American werewolf and nutty professor. Get Rick Baker. who was a genius, American werewolf and nutty professor. Get Rick Baker. He has done so much schlock work early on, like Octoman. Yeah, but also good work. He did brilliant work. Yeah. He was one of the old-time greats.

But when you see his early stuff, these schlocky two-cent things. But, oh, he did amazing things for Rick Baker. I think Rick Baker retired. I think he— That's what I heard. Yeah, we got to get him. We got to track him down. Here's one you know, of course, and we've talked about it on the show with Joe Dante.

Them. Oh, yes. From 1954. Oh, and there are two films. One of them—now, this is of a slightly different subject matter of titles. One was called Sssss. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's from the 70s.

Yes. Yeah. It's about snakes. Yeah. Sssss. And they said, you don't say it, you hiss it. Right, right, right. That's a, yeah, that's a 70s movie.

I think that's on the list here somewhere. And there was a Jack Lemmon movie with, yeah. P-H-F-F-F-T? Which sounds like the letters they usually use if a character's farting. But this was like, psst. I can't even say the title of that movie. Was Jane Mansfield in that? No, no. It was another very attractive, like Kim can't even say the title of that movie. Was Jane Mansfield in that? No, no. It was another very attractive, like Kim Novak maybe?

Kim Novak or somebody. There's also Dollars, the Warren Beatty, Goldie Hawn, Ice movie. Oh, yes, yes, with the dollar sign. Which is just a dollar sign. Yeah. Yeah. There's a bunch of titles like that. I'm going to get through these horror titles.

And Scott Baio was in a movie called I Heart New York. Right, and then there was I Heart Huckabees from a few years ago. That's right, with Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin. That's right. Okay, here are a couple of more horror titles, and then we'll move on to the big three. Wham Bam Thank You, Spaceman. Do you know this one? Oh, that one I'm not sure.

How about The Wild World of Batwoman from 1966? This is fun because the makers of the film were sued by DC Comics for copyright infringement because it was clearly a rip-off of the Batman TV series. They caught on to that. A couple of Roger Corman

titles, The Beast with a Million Eyes is a good title. That was the one where the story I heard is that they filmed the entire movie and they said, Roger, there's no Beats with a Million Eyes in it. Correct, correct. So they took a teap kettle and punched a bunch of holes in it, put a light bulb in it. That's the one. And that was The Beast.

And Attack of the Crab Monsters. And my favorite Corman title, The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent. And then it's the end. The credits go after a title like that. And last but not least on this list, Zombie Holocaust, also known as Zombie Butcher, also known as Dr. Butcher. zombie butcher, also known as Dr. Butcher. Also known as the Guinea horror film who calls himself like John Martin

and then it was... What was his real name? I have it here. The poor guy you've been ripping apart. Martellini. Marino Gilolami. And let's not forget the big ones. Will Heronius Merkin marry Mercy Humpey and find true happiness?

I was getting to that one. Oh, I'm sorry. That's okay. With Joan Collins and Anthony Newley. Well, yeah, they were married at the time. And he plays a character named Merkin, and she plays a character named Polyester Poon-Tang. Oh, jeez. And Milton Berle shows up as the Satan-like procurer, Good Time Eddie Filth.

Well, now I have to see it. I have to see it, too. I mean, this movie sounds so strange. It won a Writers Guild Award of Great Britain for Best British Original Screenplay in 1970. And it was X-rated upon its initial release. Geez. Yeah. However, well, this was just for the title.

In 2006, the movie won a reader's poll in the Chicago Tribune for the worst movie title of all time. It's apparently a musical satire. There are 15 songs. I'm looking at the songs here. Overture, If All the World's a Stage, Oh, What a Son of a Bitch I Am, Sweet Love Child, Chalk and Cheese, Piccadilly Lily, Lullaby. The movie was shot in Malta.

I don't know much else about it. I have a feeling that if I saw this, I'd be waiting for a crazy bad film and it would just be bad. It'd be like Skidoo. Yeah. It'd just be like this big misfire. You know who turns up in it? Georgie Jessel. Ah!

How about that? Well, then I have to see it. You've got to see it for Burl and Jessel alone. Yeah. Can Hieronymus Merkin ever forget? I guess it's Mercy Humpy. Yeah. I always thought it was Mercy Hump and Find True Happiness.

And Newly's all over this. He directed it. He produced it. He wrote it. He started it. And he composed the songs. That's what you call a vanity project. And I think it was all done in an hour.

he composed the songs. That's what you call a vanity project. And I think it was all done in an hour. And they won, like I said, they won this dubious honor as worst movie title, beating out the titles Chud. Oh, okay. Cannibalistic, humanoid, underground dwellers. You are a marvel. That's what Chud stands for.

Yes, that was the one they beat out, and they beat out to Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. Ah. Which I also have never seen. Another former guest. So we'll wrap up with Hieronymus Merck and Ever Forget True Mercy. Well, let's not leave out Dustin Hoffman. Right, and we mentioned Oh Dad, Poor Dad, and the last one that we've referenced on this show is the Hoffman movie we were talking about. Who is Harry Kellerman and why is he saying those terrible things about me?

A title I love. And look who did the music. Shel Silverstein. Oh, wow. Of all people. And your favorite actor, Jack Borden. Oh, man. Turns up in there.

Dom DeLuise. Oh. Gabriel Dell. Yeah, Gabe Dell Turns up in there. Dom DeLuise. Oh. Gabriel Dell. Yeah, Gabe Dell is like his agent or something. I have never seen it. I have never seen it. It's about a rock, I guess, another satire, American comedy drama. And Harry Kellerman's like a music critic or something.

Yeah, it says the film was widely panned as a vapid, pretentious mess when it was released. However, many critics have singled out Barbara Harris, good actress, for praise. Filmed in New York City in 1970. You know who turns up in this movie? You, the pop music fanatic? Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show. Oh, wow. The group that sang cover of The Rolling Stone.

Oh. Also written by Shel Silverstein. And I keep getting richer, but I can't get my picture on the cover of The Rolling Stone. Oh. Also written by Shel Silverstein. And I keep getting richer, but I can't get my picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone gotta see my picture on the cover. Stone gotta send five copies to my mother.

That's the one. They turn up in the movie and it's on YouTube. You can watch it. I'm sad to say free of charge. I watched about 20 minutes of it. It's fascinating. Directed by Ulu Grossbard, who made a really good Hoffman picture called Straight Time. Oh, wow.

About a guy, about an ex-con who's trying to go straight with Gary Busey. And I think, what's his name, Harry Dean Stanton. Harry Dean Stanton's in that one. So we haven't really seen these. So if you guys, if the listeners know a lot about who is Harry Kellerman and why is he saying those terrible things about me, or can Hieronymus Merkin ever forget Mercy Hump and find true happiness? I've seen bits and pieces of Harry Kellerman. Right.

Tweet us, write us, post on Facebook, let us know. Here's a couple of the other, quickly, finalists for worst title ever. Surf Nazis Must Die. Oh, yeah. Well, that was a trauma. Right. Chud. Mother May I Sleep With Danger. That's a TV movie. Yes, yes. That's cheating.

Was that a spelling? Yes. Stop or my mom will shoot. Oh, that was Stallone and Esther. Estelle Getty. Estelle Getty. Yeah, that was a bad one. Right.

Ballistic X versus Sever. Oh, Lucy Liu. That's a bad title. And, yeah, that was an awful one. I think that was one of those universally zero. Right. Cracks or Fortune we mentioned. Yeah, it was Lucy Liu and some Spanish guy, I think.

Is it on here? Yeah, Antonio Banderas. Yeah. Or Bill Dana. Yeah, Bill Dana. It was Lucy Liu and Jose Jimenez. Yes. So that's our bad title episode or our fun title episode, whatever your perspective.

Maestro? Yes. So this has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Obsessions with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And we've been recording at Nutmeg with our engineer Frank Ferdarosa. Thanks for putting up with us, Frankie. We love you. We've got to get Sid Haig. Yes.

Jew. Yep. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Here we go, boys. One, two, 1, 2, 3, 2 Give me that fract, colossal obsessions Give me that fract Colossal Obsessions. Give it a break. Colossal Obsessions.