Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Mini-Ep #88: James Bond Knockoffs

Episode Date: December 1, 2016

Each week, comedian Gilbert Gottfried and comedy writer Frank Santopadre share their admiration for lesser-known films, underappreciated TV shows and criminally underrated performers -- discussing, dissecting and (occasionally) defending their handpicked guilty pleasures and buried treasures. This week: "Come Spy with Me"! "A Man Called Flintstone"! Gilbert covers the Lovin' Spoonful! And Vincent Price flirts with Jacqueline Bisset! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Cut. And, you know, like sign posters. And some of you, if it's enough money, I'll roast you. And there's so much, so much. But it's patreon.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. Give me money! Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried. Wow. And I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, once again at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Ferdarosa.

And this is Gilbert and Frank's amazing colossal obsessions oh that was nicely done oh you sounded you sounded nefarious there was a sweetness to that no no I'm totally straight what were you doing there Do it like Tony Curtis. This is Gilbert and Frank's amazing colossal obsessions. Go ahead. Now, Tony and Jamie Lee, I heard, just like hated each other. Yeah. I don't think there was a lot of love lost. No.

Yeah. Well, and by his own admission in his book. Oh, he said he wasn't a good father. He was a bad dad. Yeah. And I think he said something in an interview. He goes, I did the best that I could. If she's not happy, I wish her only the best.

If she's not happy with that, let her get a new father. Oh, painful. Bernie Schwartz. I went to see him at the 92nd Street Y toward the end of his life. He had a book out about something like it hot. And I went to see him and he had the cowboy hat. Oh, yes. And the boots.

And the very convincing toupee. The whole thing, the whole nine yards. And the entire hour and a half, he talked about trying to bang Marilyn Monroe. These blue-haired old ladies at the 92nd Street Y. I swear to you, they even

took questions from the audience. People are asking questions about Houdini and trapeze and he's taking it back to Maryland. I tried to get her, and I couldn't get her. I tell you, horn dog to the end. God bless that man. I saw an interview that when they were doing Some Like It Hot, there were also loads of hot-looking chorus girls around.

And Jack Lemmon was trying to hit on them, it wasn't working uh-huh and tony curtis gave him the advice he goes you should center on one and pay her a hundred percent of your attention and and jack lemon said so that works for you and he goes goes, are you kidding? I already fucked eight of them. Including Yvonne DiCarlo. Oh, yes. That story. Not that she was there. I think we did with Robert Wool.

I think we got to the Yvonne DiCarlo story. Yeah, that's because they went to acting school together. Walter Mathis. That's a great one. And I think Sidney Poitier was in classic. I saw him tell that story on the Tom Snyder show when I was a kid, and I just ate it up. It's like Walter Matthau was still a struggling actor and beat up, torn up clothes and worn out shoes. And Tony Curtis became a worldwide star and he's in his limo and he sees a dejected Walter

Math out there so he rolls down the window and goes hey Walter I just fucked the Von DeCarlo banged on the car door to get his attention. I think that's the story. It's pretty damn good. So we did, at the request of a listener named Wally Cisniak, and God, I love that name, we did some Bond stuff on the last show. Wally Cisniak, if that is in fact your name. Wally suggested that we do a Bond episode. We did a fun Bond episode with a lot of trivia.

Now, and I'm still asking that question. What do you want to know? It was either an R-Man Flint or most likely Matt Helm. Okay. Where a girl, a pretty blonde actress, folds over backwards and shows her white panties. How the hell is he going to research that? Girl, white panties.

Matt Helm. And at the same time as that movie came out, they did the exact identical jerk off gag in an Elvis Presley movie. Wow. Paul, if you find that you are the researcher of the century.

I want a raise if I can. Yeah, we're not paying you enough. Oh, yeah. We'll pay you double what you're getting now. And you'll get a bonus. Bring your dog around and we'll give him a bonus, too. And that scene in the movie was giving me a bonus. Thank you.

So we decided to do, and you've gotten ahead of me you brought up matt helm yes we decided this time to talk about bond parodies and bond spoofs and bonds what would you call them homages if you're being way way before uh austin powers yeah there were a ton we will return to gilbert godf's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. That's the sound of fried chicken with a spicy history. Thornton Prince was a ladies' man. To get revenge, his girlfriend hid spices in his fried chicken.

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These are actually chronological. Did you know something? A movie called Agent 8 3 Quarters, a British spy comedy with Dirk Bogard. You know that actor? Oh, yes, yes. Anything, Paul? I'm still on white pants. Oh, you're not going to find it. I'm up on the white panties. You know that actor. Oh, yes, yes. Anything, Paul? I'm still on white panties. Oh, you're not going to find it.

I give up on the white panties. I've got something. What do you got? I think I have something. Wait! From the book on which the movie was made. I have a little

from Google Books here. It says, come on, he says, let's see, did you check? We can, come on down,

we'll slip those panties down. Anyway, I don't know. It looks like it has literary origins. Please read the rest of it. Slip those panties down. He placed his hand low on her back to urge something. You sure this is Matt Helm? Just excuse me.

I'll be back in a minute. Gilbert had to step out of the booth. Using both hands, he dragged down her hips. It goes off the screen at that point. Oh, yeah. You'll have to imagine the rest. This is not Mickey Spillane? You sure this is Matt Helm?

I'm not quite sure what the hell this is. Okay. But it's not bad. That's not bad at all. Was she screwing a light bulb in at the time? Oh, someone sent me a bad. Yeah, it's not bad at all. Was she screwing a light bulb in at the time? Oh, someone sent me a tweet of one naked girl and one girl in a halter top with her breasts sagging out of them. And they're both putting in light bulbs. That does it for you, huh?

Who knew this was a complete fetish? Our fans are that dedicated. I can confirm that this is from a Matt Helm novel called The Demolishers by Donald Hamilton. See, still, my ideal, that if anyone could find this, would be a

movie where a naked girl stands on one of those cake, uh, revolving cake trays that they have in the Greek coffee shops where it turns around. How's she going to get inside of a revolving cake stand? Well, it doesn't have to have the open part. It could just be just the tray that she's standing on. So this is a woman installing a light bulb.

Yes. What if she's hanging a no-pest strip? That would be even better. Here's an old reference. We've gotten a bit away from Bond. A bit away from Bond. Yes. Okay.

I'm going to go through these. These are the Bond knockoffs. Carry-on spying. Oh, there were a group of those. Do you know any of these? These are the Bond knockoffs. Carry On Spying. Oh, there were a group of those. Do you know any of these? These are British. Well, I remember singing a theater with my parents, and it was Carry On Teachers. Yes.

And there was also one. The Carry On series. Yeah. Carry On Monsters they had. Right. Well, this might have been one of them. Carry On Spying from 1964. There was a lot of Bond stuff in the early 60s when Bond exploded.

That man from Rio, a French adventure spoof of Bond type films. Any of these ring a bell? Oh, but, oh, I, George, actor George Nader. Now, he played James Bond or a James Bond-like character in Germany. Really? Because here, James Nader was like becoming a romantic actor. And I think he was having an affair with Rock Hudson. Really?

Yes. George Nader. And the press was after Rock Hudson. George Nader. And the press was after Rock Hudson. And a lot of times the studios would have, you know, they would either bribe them or they would give them another juicy story. So they said to him, look, leave Rock Hudson alone. We'll give you George Nader.

He's a romantic actor. He's gay. So his Hollywood career was over and he went to Germany. You talked about this in a previous show. And he played a German Bond? I guess so. I don't have a German Bond here. I have a Danish one. Relax, Freddy.

I have a Kugler one. A Kugler Bond. A Kugelaband. A Kugelaband. I wish all of you listening have a joyous Kugelaband. Oh, my God. I have Sieg Schleifurchtfried. I love him.

Yeah. Wasn't he the girl in that Spanish Dracula? Lupita Toma? Yes. Different person. Okay, here's one you do know. Yes. Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine. Vincent Price.

And our friend Frankie Avalon. And also, and Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs. Oh, my God, yes. Yeah. Okay, here. I just remembered a Vincent Price story. I was watching Merv Griffin, and the two people on the panel were Vincent Price and Jacqueline Bissett. Okay.

And Jacqueline Bissett at one point, not having anything to do with anything, she said to Vincent Price, she goes, you know, I'm living right now in your old house. And Vincent Price said, well, if I knew you were going to live there, I never would have moved. What a smoothie. Vincent Price came on to Jacqueline Bissett. Very believable. On the Murph Burfitt Show. Wow.

Because that was the heterosexual struggle. Bad kitty. How about the Intelligence Men with the British comedy duo Morricom and Wise? Did you know that one? No. Licensed to Kill, low-budget series from 1965. Okay. Oh, series from 1965.

Okay. And then in 60s. Oh, wait, wait. Go ahead. I have an autographed poster. Yes. Of George Nader? No, I have a love letter from George Nader. Did he spray it with something nice?

A little high karate? Alan and Rossi. Oh, well, that's coming up. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, last of the secret agents, 1966. Yeah, I saw that poster in the audience. With Nancy Sinatra. Yeah, oh my God.

Yeah, yeah. That was, 66 looks like the year because there was Our Man Flint with Coburn. Look that one up, Paul, because I want to know if those were based. I don't think Derek Flint was based on novels the way Matt Helm was. And by the way, Coburn, to me, always a more convincing spy than Dino. Oh, yes. Who just looked like he was collecting a check.

The two Flint pictures, Our Man Flint in 66 and In Like Flint in 67. And then Last of the Secret Agents in 66, which we've talked about on this show with, I think, Cliff Nesterman, if you like to call him. Mit den Nachem, my hellboy. Yeah, Cliff Nexelmachin. And also, how about this one? An Italian spoof, Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die with Mike Connors. I remember the title of it. And I sing a poster for it, but I don't think I've ever seen the movie.

Yeah. If I did, I was probably like five and it was on TV. Modesty Blaze. Oh, yeah. 1966. That one I've seen on TV. Monica Vitti. The Spy with a Cold Nose from 1966.

Oh, that was a dunk. Yeah. I love the title. There's some of these Bond pictures. Some of these are in Greek and Italian. I can't even. Here's a real Ocurio. O.K. Connery from 1967.

Wow. Also known as Operation Kid Brother. I know some of our fans were already perking up their ears at this one. Starring, they got some of our fans are already perking up their ears at this one, starring, they got some Bond people to be in it. Bernard Lee, who was M, was in it. Lois Maxwell, who was Moneypenny, was in it. And it starred

Neil Connery, Sean Connery's younger brother. And the plot was when M16's top agent becomes available, his lookalike younger brother is hired to thwart an evil organization. Now, what's strange about it is they dubbed his voice. Oh, wow.

So he didn't even sound like Connery. He didn't even sound like what people knew Bond to sound like at that point. So I don't have too much Iron Man Flint. But in Like Flint, you mentioned, but did you know that in 1976, there was another Flint movie called Dead on Target? I didn't know that. Directed by Joseph Scanlon. I did not know that.

Oh, I'm sorry. It was not a film. It was a Canadian television pilot starring Ray Danton. Ray Danton. Ray Danton? I got Ray Danton all over this. The George Raff story. Ray Danton starred in Secret Agent Super Dragon, an Italian spy film in 66.

That sounds like a Ray Danton film. And also You Only Die Once, known as Si Muero Solo Una Volta. Very good, Frank. Excellent. It's in my blood. Ray Danton is all over this list. Very good, Frank. Thank you. Excellent. Excellent. Excellente. It's in my blood. Ray Danton is all over this list. How about A Man Called Dagger with Richard Kiel from 1967?

I remember the title vaguely. Jaws. Future Bond villain Jaws. Been a low budget. Did Keith Brazell play James Bond? I sure as hell hope not. How about, here's one you've brought up on the show, Fathom with Raquel Welch.

Oh, yes. Raquel Welch and Tony Franciosa. Correct. And Tony Franciosa played Matt Helm in the TV series. That's right. And in Fathom, he keeps going, Hello, puppet. And in Fathom, he keeps going, hello, puppet.

Your Tony Francioso's got a touch of Tony Curtis. A touch of Tony Curtis. That was a cologne I used to use. A touch of Tony Curtis. Come spy with me with Troy Donahue. Ah, okay. In 67, Caprice. I love this one. An American comedy thriller with doris day can you wrap your mind around doris day in a bond yeah in a bond knockoff sounds like a bad mistake yeah

how about the girl from rio also known as future woman uh starring shirley eaton who was in gold finger oh yeah i remember also in fathom at least there they were finding excuses for raquel welch to be in a bikini right but she never did nudity never did nudity that was as close as she got right yeah you sounded like you were gonna do red buttons and he never had a dinner How about this one? To Benjamin Franklin, whose wife said, go fly a kite. And he never got a dinner. To Adam, who said to Eve, stand back. I don't know how big this thing's going to get. And he never had a dinner.

And he never had a dinner. To Aladdin, who said, I know it's not a lamp, but rub it anyway. And he never had a dinner. A Bond episode and Red Buttons breaks out. How about this one? From Hong Kong with love. Also with Lois Maxwell, Ms. Money Penny and Bernard Lee. James Bond dies in the opening. No?

This one I love. The Dragon Lives Again. A Hong Kong movie featuring an undead Bruce Lee along such characters as James Bond, Dracula, and Popeye. Gotta be good. It's gotta be good. It's gotta be good.

It's gotta be good. And then, you know, What's Up Tiger Lily was another one. I think that was a Japanese Bond knockoff that he took and turned into the egg salad recipe. Woody Allen changed it, and that's the one that has got the loving spoonful. Correct. Correct. Correct. I've always been the guy with the finger in his nose when the passport picture gets taken.

When the big guy takes his off the ceiling, chicken's on the one court holding the bacon. When they drop a piano from the 42nd floor, I'm always underneath looking up. When a tidal wave strikes a hundred miles at sea, I'm out on the rail throwing up. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Wee! Kapow! Somehow I would have met you anyhow. You fixed it up and a holy cow. If my friends could see me now. Wow. They get scarier and scarier.

That was pretty scary. That was beautiful. I teared up. We gotta get John Sebastian on the show oh absolutely we gotta chase down John Sebastian

just for that song alone yeah I love him so here's some TV Bond knockoffs and Paul maybe you'd be kind enough to look a couple of these up

alright let's see what we got a man called Flintstone oh I remember I remember when that aired and I'm sure it was as witty as all the other Flintstones.

1966, and Fred is recruited for a spy mission. How about that? And that's Hanna-Barbera being up-to-date and current. Yes. Apparently there was also a Goldfinger parody on the Flintstones called the Stonefinger Caper. Mel Blanc played Barney Rubble. Did he always play Barney Rubble? Yeah, I think he did.

Yes, yes. Yeah, sure. Sure. Yeah. And I heard they said to Mel Blanc, we want it to sound like Art Carney because that was, of course, a knockoff of The Honeymooners. And he said, I don't want to imitate Art Carney.

I'll do a dumb voice. Yeah. But he didn't want to imitate Art Carney. I'll do a dumb voice. Yeah. But he didn't want to do Art Carney. Why, I wonder. Well, I think he maybe felt like it was stealing from him or something. Right. Or because Dawes Butler was already doing Art Carney doing Yogi Bear. That's right.

That's right. Right. So here's some other. Obviously, Get Smart is probably the best known that hannah and barbara they had some major feud oh sure i knew them both yeah and and they were they worked in the same building on different on ventura boulevard the old hannah barbara building yeah i worked there for a couple of months on various projects and when you wanted i had a poster and i wanted bill and joe to sign it and they had i had to go back on different days oh wow because they wouldn't they actually didn't come in on some some woman i knew bad blood some

woman i knew she was in la and i remember when they used to have the dudley dorite dudley durite emporium yeah and it was like from the guys i mean the ola collection of who was those guys who made that? Jay Ward. Jay Ward. Yeah. All these Jay Ward cartoons. And she was walking down the street and they were selling. They were like for cheap. They were going to close the store up and they were selling cells from the original Dudley Do-Right. Wow.

And Rocky and Bullwinkle. Wish I'd gotten my hands on them. And she said, oh, wait, wait, let me go. I left my purse at home. Let me go. And she ran home and got there and they closed her. Oh, damn. Yeah. That's a terrible story. That was horrible.

I sang the Banana Splits theme with Joe Barbera in his office. There you go, huh? How about that for a brush with greatness? I'll tell that story sometime. What about, speaking of cartoons, Secret Squirrel? Oh, jeez. Do you remember Secret Squirrel?

No. It was a cartoon satirizing the Bond films. I was starting to mention Get Smart. Of course, Get Smart. Yeah, with the people involved there, Mel Brooks. Buck Henry, Mel Brooks, Arnie Sultan,

Leonard Stern, really great comedy writers. And you know, it really, my kids have been watching those and it really sounds like Mel Brooks.

I mean, he was already Mel Brooks when he was doing those, you know, it's really his style of humor. And Chaos was their knockoff.

Right, right. But it really, those, I tell you, when we had Barbara Felden on the show, it was a treat to introduce a new audience of people to Barbara Felden.

Yeah. Because we got so much, so many tweets. And she started off the interview before I even had a chance to talk. I just introduced her, and she just leans into the mic and goes, Oh, Max. That was great.

That was great. That was great. So obviously, there was a cartoon series called Danger Mouse. A man from Uncles, obviously. Yeah. Robert Vaughn just passed away,

so that one is timely. Inspector Gadget. I remember James Caan was on an episode of Get Smart. I think you're right. He was a character called The Prince. Yes, he was.

Early in his career. So was Rickles. Oh, yes. Yeah. And Johnny Carson was a train conductor. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And I remember the joke that I remember from the James Caan episode was he was called the prince.

And someone is telling Maxwell, they go, women find the prince irresistible. And Maxwell goes, and how do men find him? And he goes, he's in the phone book. Look at this guy. Remembering jokes from 1966. God bless you. And of course, the current Bond spoof, The Wonderful Archer,

starring our pal. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Morty Finkleburg. Sean Benjamin. Morty Finkleburg. And the lovely Jessica Walter, who we had in here oh yes that was a terrific episode

they were so much fun weren't they fun and they sang that wonderful breakfast club song to us oh yes and guys I should say to our listeners if you haven't heard the Ron Liebman Jessica Walter episode

check that one out and I got to sing Bye Bye Braverman to that. You did. And they were very taken with your John MacGyver impression. Your impression was so good that they didn't know John MacGyver by name. Do you remember this? Yes.

And Jess said, do it for us, do it for us. And you did it. And they said, oh him! Maybe MacGyver should take us out here. What do you think? A little John MacGyver to take us out of. Now, yes, was John MacGyver in, what was that? That one about stealing the diamonds. What was that famous, like, was Thomas Crown Affair?

The Thomas Crown Affair. Was he in that? I don't know if he's in the original. We'll have to look it up. Look it up. Make yourself useful. This has been a very stressful episode. Yeah, he had a look of two names.

And he only got one. And that wasn't the one I was looking for. You know, Arthur Godfrey treated Julius La Rosa better than this. Just as long as I don't see the citrus fruit coming out, I'm safe. Julius, you're a lousy giddy. How are you? We'll edit this together. What the hell was the question?

John MacGyver in the Thomas Crown Affair. Yes. Yeah, was he in the Thomas Crown Affair? Windmills of your mind. Like a circle in a circle, like a wheel within a wheel. Never ending or beginning, like an ever-spinning reel, like a snowball down a mountain, like a carnival balloon. And the windmills of your mind.

Can I ask you a question? Yes. When you finally have dementia, how are they going to know? I heard Johnny Weissmuller had dementia. Okay. And I hope this is true, that he had dementia. No. That he was in a home.

I mean, it's tragically sad. That's why I have to laugh. And he was screaming his Tarzan yell. Oh, God. Yeah, which is too horrible to think about. I hope that story is apocryphal. But he was also, he wound up in the Finks. Yes, yes, clearly after he was not making sane decisions.

If you told me, and Pat O'Brien. Everybody's in the Finks. And the Bowery Boys. I blame the Finks on Gino Salamone. Oh, yeah. Who brought it into my life. And it's like every, when they bring out all those old forgotten actors it's like if you had told me that they found out all of them were just dug out of their graves and propped up

i'd believe it yeah that's what they look that's a scary one oh it's like a bad a monkey's episode no but john mcgyver the thomas jack weston did we jack weston was in the Thomas Crown Affair. Jack Weston, did we? Jack Weston was in the Thomas Crown Affair. Yeah. A MacGyver-like actor. I should work on a Jack Weston imitation. And you have that list. Yafet Koto, who's come up how many times so far? Yafet Koto's in it? Yeah. In this episode alone, I think 30. We're changing

the title of this show. I came up with Yafet Koto. They said, I think that why they hired him is they said the Thomas Crown affair is getting too Goya-ish. We need Yafit Koto to chew it up.

We're officially changing the title of this show to the Yafit Koto Wow Show. You want to take us out, Mr. MacGyver? We have a guest waiting yes this has been gilbert and frank's amazing colossal obsessions thank you sir thank you frank these episodes are completely off the rails thank you pa, Paul. Thank you, John MacGyver. Thank you, sir.

Everything must be done according to schedule. We will not have any slackers on our staff. Do you hear me? Ha, ha, ha. Here we go once One, two, three, four Give it a break, colossal obsessions Give it a break, colossal Obsessions Colossal Obsessions