Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Patreon Members Grill Gilbert & Frank

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

Gilbert and Frank fly solo and field questions from their loyal Patreon supporters on a wide (and fascinating) variety of topics, including early gigs, career do-overs, elusive guests, forbidden TV shows, bad celebrity marriages and the "musicality" of comedy. Also in this episode: Vincent Price reads "Fifty Shades of Grey," Nostradamus predicts fame for Henry Winkler, Gilbert narrates “The Rocky Horror Show” and Frank writes jokes for Larry "Bud" Melman. PLUS: Commander USA! Kentucky Fried Theater! Chico "Dice" Marx! "My Mother the Car”! “The Frances Bavier Story"! And Gilbert and Frank get a shout-out from Michael Corleone!  (Thanks again to all our Patreon supporters!) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one find themselves on a team? Taking on jaw-dropping obstacles all across Canada is one thing. Working together on a team with some pretty big personalities is another. It's a new season of Canada's Ultimate Challenge and sparks are gonna fly.

New episodes Sundays. Watch free on CBC Gem. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. Some of you might remember that on our old Thursday mini episodes, we used to do a segment called Listener Mail, where Frank and I would answer questions of all kinds from listeners. But we never tried doing one as a main episode before, and we thought this was a good time to give it a whirl. We have a feature on our Patreon page called Grill the Guest, where Patreon supporters

can ask questions of the guest. But just for this week, we renamed the segment Grill the Host. And the response was so enthusiastic we thought we'd spend the hour rewarding our loyal Patreon members

by letting them ask us anything and doing our best to respond. Beautifully done. Very smooth. Yeah. Well, now I'm tired out and I want to lie down.

Okay, Gilly, I've got a question for you right off the bat. What are you wearing below the waist? Not nothing. I'm bare-ass on this chair. So hopefully I don't have to jump up. Let's hope not, for everybody's sake, especially mine. Hopefully I won't lose an easy question and leap up and go, Oh, no, and just be flopping all over the place.

Yes, we get a lot of requests, Gil, to do episodes just the two of us from time to time, and we haven't done one of those since Sirius. Remember when we did an interview with you about your career? Oh, that's right. And you had forgotten the names of all the characters that you played over the years?

Yes. So I'm going to fail miserably on this, I'll tell you. I can't name my own career. Well, I didn't expect to get such an enthusiastic response to this on Patreon. I thought we used to do these, as you said in the opening, we used to do these listener mail episodes. And we would just, you know, we'd have Ray Bone in the booth at Nutmeg and we would and later at Stitcher Earwolf and we would just do these answer these questions. Ray Bone was going to be here

today. What happened? He's looking up a question we asked him five years ago. He said he's getting close. One of the questions was about Ray Bone so you've already answered it. Anyway, we decided it's summer.

We wanted to do something a little sillier, a little more casual. It's harder to book guests in the summer because people take off, as you would imagine. But that's not the reason we're doing it. We're doing it because we want to have fun and have a little one-on-one. And I get to talk to Gilly. And we get to interact with our patron people. And as Gilbert said, reward them for their loyal support. And that's what this is all about.

So people can join Patreon and they can support us at patreon.com slash what, Gilbert? Slash Gilbert Gottfried. Which I have thought of doing many times. As I've said before. Let's get into this. We have some questions. Lots and lots of questions from patrons. Eric Rine, our friend Eric Rine, the attorney.

Here's a simple one. When will Gil get back on stage? Oh, I've already. Yeah. No, I've already performed on stage at least twice. You did Caroline's? Caroline's and one in Connecticut. Right.

I even did a bar mitzvah. Well, do tell. Yes. And I've got a bunch of things coming up. Oh, wow. I didn't know about the bar mitzvah. Yeah, yeah. I hide my Jewish heritage very well.

I know that about you. Most people think I'm Irish Catholic. Well, the O, the middle initial O, throws them off. Yes. Yeah, the O, the middle initial O throws them off. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. The O Gottfried. Yes.

And you also did some virtual appearances. You did some online. I did one regular stand up and one that they called the set list. Yes. I enjoyed that. Let's see. What else do we have? Eric Ryan also asked,

why do you think the musician guests on the show are uniformly funny people? We've gotten a lot of funny musicians on the show. Yeah, that I don't know. They always surprise me. Sometimes you'll get comics who are not funny when you interview

them, and then you get musicians who are funny. I don't get it. Well, we've had Mark Hudson, Richard Marx is funny, Paul Williams is funny, Stephen Bishop's hilarious. And Cook and Gross that we just had, Roger and Henry. Yes. So funny. Tommy James is funny, too. I was talking to Henry about this.

I think he thinks there's something almost interchangeable about comics and musicians. There's a commonality. There's a common spirit there. When we book musicians, obviously, because it's this show, we try to find people who are funny. And we've done very well with it. You know, Mel Brooks, I heard, when he would read people for a part in this movie, he'd want to hear them sing. Yes, I've heard this. Because it's like, you know, he felt like if you're a great comedian, a really good, you have a sense of music. That's interesting.

Yeah, we've talked about this. Like the Marx Brothers were musicians. And Benny. That's interesting. Yeah. We've talked about this. Like the Mox Brothers were all musicians. And Benny? Yes. Yeah. Victor Borg and many others. Jeffrey Bender,

Gilbert and Frank, when you were starting out in your careers, did you have a mentor or someone who helped influence you? And can you recall any advice that stuck?

Besides me and Gino, have you had a mentor yet? What about Shecky? Yeah, I never, I get asked that a lot, but I don't remember ever having a mentor. Yeah, I didn't have many myself.

A gentleman named Jack Mendelsohn, who was a writer, one of the writers on the Beatles' Yellow Submarine movie, was very gracious and generous to me in L.A. And also the late, great Herb Sargent of the original Saturday Night Live. I've had a handful of older writers who've been good to me.

And Barry Secunda, my first manager. And Franken and Davis' manager. And Michael O'Donoghue as manager. I try to return it when I can. I try to give back, pay it forward, as they say, to younger writers. So no mentors, huh, Gil? No. No. You're self-made.

What? You're a self-made man. That's right. Chris Claremont, who's a Marvel Comics writer, a legendary Marvel Comics writer, told me when I was a kid at my first comic book convention, he pulled me aside and he said, don't go into comic books. That was advice that stuck. It was okay to Chris. Torino Mike, Frank, we followed Gilbert's career for years, but outside of you occasionally saying that you work on The View, can you tell us a little bit more about yourself and your career in showbiz? Quickly, that is a long, long answer.

I've done a lot of strange things. I've written for a lot of, a million comedians and actors, cartoon shows, Mad Magazine, my experiences at Topps writing Bazooka Joe comics we've discussed on this show. Many award shows and roasts, even some with Gilbert over the years. And I won an Emmy recently, which is a nice thing. Wow, congratulations. Thank you. I'll throw that out there. And I've written for, I've done a lot of different things in the business.

And it's hard to go into detail about all of it because you're talking about 30 years. But I've done a little bit of everything. I may be working on a documentary soon, too, which hopefully that will happen. I'm excited about that. We'll answer more about me later. Also, thank you to Ray Garten who asked the same question and Christopher Nelson.

You guys, by the way, can reach out to me directly on Patreon and I can answer those questions more at length in greater detail, but I do appreciate the interest. It's 30 years of stories, basically. A bad sitcom. I would tell you about that bad puppet sitcom I wrote, Gil. Oh, which one's this?

It was called Lost on Earth. It was on the USA Network. Gee, a bad show on the USA Network? How is this possible? I needed it to get my guild card, my writer's guild card, and it was quickly cancelled, but people can look it up.

I've done a lot of things. I've written a lot of busted pilots. I've had screenplays optioned. I've had a long journey. Andrew LaPosha, with a video online of Gilbert reading Fifty Shades of Grey, would he ever consider reading it doing one of his impressions? Here you go. I'm going to give you a line, Gil. Oh, okay.

My inner goddess has stopped and is staring open-mouthed and drooling. Which you can do as Vincent Price, if you like. My inner goddess has stopped and is staring and drooling. There you go. Would you like to do it as James Mason? He thrust his hand in my vagina.

I'm not sure that's in the book, but there you go, Andrew. Brian Van Hooker. Gilbert, can you please explain to Frank what socks do, how socks function, and please do it as old Groucho, and please do this until you've driven Frank to the brink of insanity. Well, you know, you have to wear something under your shoe. And so they created a garment called a sock. And the sock would go over your foot, and that would cover your foot.

And then you'd put the shoe on the foot that had a sock on it. And sometimes you could wear blue socks or brown or green. They came in different colors. Oh, really? Socks, yes. And in my day, they would be the long socks and the short socks. And, you know, if you're wearing shorts and sneakers, you could wear the short socks. Okay, I've been driven to the brink of insanity. Thank you, Brian, for that question.

There are a couple on this list, and it's a long list. Like I said, it was a very enthusiastic response to my Patreon post. A couple of requests for you to do impressions here and there. Joe Kilmartin in Toronto has another question for us about booking, Gil. Who was the hardest guest to get on the podcast, he wants to know? And, well, several. Yeah. I remember my wife had seen John Davidson. Yes, he was difficult.

Yeah, and she asked him, and then we kept asking, and years went by, and then finally he did it, and he said what a great time he had. He had a great time. It reminds me of the bit you used to do on stage where you would flip through the napkins. Oh, yes, the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months. That's it. It took a long time. I didn't even write John Davidson's name now, but that's obvious.

Yeah, it took a long time to get John. It took a long time to get John Astin on the show. Yes. We had to start a social media campaign. And then out of the blue, a writer I work with on The View, his cousin, Patrick McCarthy, I'll shout him out. Thank you, Patrick. And I'll shout out Christian McKiernan, my co-writer at The View, was working on a project with, I think, Sean Astin. And volunteered to ask Sean. And through Sean, we got Mackenzie Astin. And that's how we wore John Astin down and got him on.

And he had a great time. We wore John Astin down and got him on, and he had a great time. Recently, I got a video, you know, a cameo request, and it was from Sean Astin. Oh, he's a fan. Yeah. Okay, now we got to book Sean Astin on the show. We have to. Absolutely.

We'll do that in the fall for sure. And, you know, Sean and Mackenzie really came through for us with John. A lot of times it happens where not necessarily that people are even reluctant to do the show, but busy or distracted or they've never done a podcast. And then they do it, and hopefully it's a rewarding

experience for them. Go ahead. I think Dick Van Dyke didn't say yes right away. That's true, too. And then he did it, and he was terrific. Lisa Land and Scott Land, our friends, helped with that one immeasurably. We thank them. In fact, that episode is up now for the 4th of July as we're recording this.

George Siegel, we never got. You know, there are people who slipped through the cracks. Yeah, George Segal, that was. We tried so hard. Richard Kind tried for us, too. You know, Alice Cooper is a white whale that's out there that we keep trying to get. But there are people I never thought we'd book, like Alan Arkin and Malcolm McDowell. Oh, my God, yeah.

And Bruce Dern. And so we were successful. And Dick Van Dyke, Gilbert mentions one. So, you know, we keep trying. We keep pushing. We keep pressing. Joe also writes, who was the most difficult person you've had to deal with while working on The View? Well, besides Gilbert, who's impossible.

It's just an intolerable diva. I will turn that question around by mentioning people who are a delight to work with on The View, because I'm not going to tell tales out of school. But I will say Will Arnett was a joy. Eddie Izzard, Anthony Anderson, Keegan-Michael Key. I write these little backstage things. I write these little bumpers, bump-outs, and

you know, hi, I'm Keegan-Michael Key, and I'm up next on The View. And it's so they don't just say, hi, I'm next on The View. They're like the little SNL promos. And they're 25 seconds of comedy, and not everybody that comes on wants to do them or is welcoming to the idea, but I just mentioned four people who were great and really a pleasure to work with. Elizabeth Dibble, this is a question for both of you.

I have strong memories of getting in trouble for watching certain TV shows as a kid that my parents had forbidden me to watch. Did that ever happen to you? And what were the shows? The big one for me was the Three Stooges, she says, believe it or not. A woman who liked the Three Stooges is a rarity. I know. Yeah, that's an old story that guys are more into the Three Stooges than women, usually. Usually.

Do you relate to this? Was there something your parents frowned on you watching? I know there were shows that we just didn't watch. Yeah, for whatever reason. I don't remember what, but I remember there were certain shows like, oh, we don't watch that show here. Who controlled the remote? Well, there weren't remotes in those days, right? Oh, no, there weren't remotes.

You had to change the channel by hand. Remotes, that was science fiction. Right, that's right. So you changed the channel with the plastic channel changer until that snapped, and then you got the pliers. Yes. Right. Yes. Those little, what do they call those needle nose pliers the what needle nose pliers needle nose i was

thinking i know nose but i didn't yeah and you'd go to and you'd change the and oh and before cable if you change the dial and like let's's say you were changing, you know, from, you know, just four to five and you stopped and held it in between. Sometimes you'd get some other show, like a snippet. Yeah. Of people talking. What we went through. through yes and it was very weird it was like hearing creatures from outer space because it wasn't a regular you had the option of the uhf where you could see something entirely strange uh but but there wasn't anything

banned it was just certain shows you didn't watch. Yeah. In the Godfrey household. Yeah, I don't remember anyone saying they're banned, but I remember they just weren't welcome in the house. Why? Because they were anti-Semitic? What was it? I don't think I had – I don't think my parents – my parents were really hands-off parents, the opposite of helicopter parents. I don't think I was – I don't think I was forbidden to watch anything. I mean, I couldn't stay up to ridiculous hours. I remember wanting to stay up and watch

Johnny Carson and watch, you know, when Rodney was on or Rickles or something, and I was probably 10 and it was past my bedtime. I remember being up at like one o'clock in the morning because they were having the original Invisible Man on. And my mother woke up and came in. First, she told me to go to sleep. And I said, no, I want to watch this movie. And then she made me a plate of crackers and butter. Oh, that's nice. That's a nice story.

Yeah. I always remember that. I do have a memory, this is a silly story, of wanting to stay up and making a stink because I wanted to watch the follow-up of Batman called Batgirl. I thought there was a Batgirl series, and my mother kept trying to get me to go to bed and she kept yelling at me it's that girl that girl there is no show Batgirl Batgirl created by our pal Bill Persky

Jesse Herman I was listening to an episode of Mark Maron's podcast where he discussed doing a live show with Gilbert and Larry Bud Melman, also known as Calvert DeForest. Yes. Mark described Calvert as neurotic, unsure of himself, and a bit queenie. Oh, a bit? Yeah, he was a little bit.

Gilbert, do you have any memories of this show? Frank, I know you worked with Calvert. I remember you saying you wrote roast material for him. I did, but I did not meet the man. Did you have experiences? Yeah, I met him like, you know, once or twice. And what was this show? It doesn't say.

It says you and Larry Bud Millman were on it together. Yeah. I just, no, I don't remember actually. I do remember meeting him. Well, everybody loved him. I talked to him on the phone briefly, and there was a real sweetness to him. Yeah. He was, and what was funny about him and what was funny about how Letterman knew that,

it's like he was just funny on his own. Yes. Not being funny. I believe he was discovered by Steve Weiner and Carl Tiedemann, who were two Letterman writers on the old show. This may go back to the morning show. In fact, I'm not sure. Maybe not. Maybe the early days of

late night. Apparently he was discovered, he was kind of an amateur actor. Or a part-time actor. And he was discovered working as a receptionist someplace. Yeah. And I think he sometimes pop up in some

amateur movie production and um i yeah and i remember how the letterman show they would make up these you know stuff for him to say that made no sense at all and that's what made it so funny it was brilliant in that way i think it was king of the z's i think they made a mock documentary and they cast Larry, well, he wasn't Larry, but Millman, and I think he was Calvert, as some kind of Samuel Z. Arcoff movie impresario. That's my memory. I wrote for him. I was a very young writer, and I had an agent at William Morris, a junior agent, and he said they're roasting Billy Martin, the old Yankees manager. Yes.

And they have Calvert. They have him signed to be one of the roasters, but he has to play a character. Remember we were talking to Gabe Kaplan about how they would bring out Columbo? Oh, yeah, or Norton. Or Norton Carney as Norton, yeah. So Larry or Calvert had to play Billy Martin's first Little League coach, and they put him in an ill-fitting baseball uniform,

and I had to write the jokes. You can find that somewhere. I guess it's on, I don't even know if it's available, the Billy Martin roast. Our friend Josh Chambers, if the podcast were to start up their own pizza store franchises, Gilbert, Josh Chambers, if the podcast were to start up their own pizza store franchises, Gilbert, what suitably GGACP-themed celebrity pies might be on the menu?

Oh, my God. Well, I guess the Cesar Romero pie with orange slices. Oh, yes. Too obvious. Eric Ryan chimes in to say the Alan Ladd pie with extra chicken. You simply got to fuck the chicken. Don't you hope that story is true? It has. Yeah.

It's one of those stories, even if it's not true, it's true. Yeah. Should we get Alan Ladd Jr. on the show and ask him about it? That won't go well. Jeff Maus, M-A-U-S, or Maus. I assume it's Maus. What are some deep research anecdotes Frank can share? What are standard strategies that go beyond the average Google search?

What is the furthest you have gone, furthest length you have gone to get some stories? The research goes way beyond Google. What I do is I find old interviews with some of these people. It could be things, it could be obscure things from college newspapers or, you know, old radio interviews they've done or print interviews they've done from magazines and periodicals that are out of print. You find the gems in there. If there's a book, I read the book. If there's a documentary, I watch the documentary. Other times it's just things that I've accumulated, information that I've picked up over the years. And me, I try to find the correct pronunciation.

Yes. Gilbert works with Raybone for months on finding the correct pronunciation of the name. Yeah, there are things. I think of an example. I think we had David Zucker from Airplane and the Naked Gun. And I didn't even know if this found its way into the show. But I was reading an old interview in a college newspaper with him. And I found that Kentucky Fried Theater, I think

it was one of the first performances of Kentucky Fried Theater in Madison, Wisconsin. There was a fire. There was some anecdote. And I remember writing that down and thinking nobody has ever asked him about this because it's 35 years ago. I do these kind of deep dives into anecdote, and I remember writing that down and thinking nobody has ever asked him about this because it's 35 years ago. I do these kind of deep dives into the past, and I find little oddities. Josh Abelon, or Abelon Frank, any stories of your time writing for Commander USA? Do you remember that show, Gil, on the USA Network? Yes. It's a superhero with a painted-on mask.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, because you were at USA right around that time, I think, doing Up All Night. Yeah, when I was doing USA Up All Night. Yeah. I wrote three episodes. One was Kingdom of the Spiders with William Shatner. One was Johnny Yoon.

Remember Johnny Yoon? Oh, yes. Johnny Yoon movie called They Still Call Me Bruce, and I can't for the life of me think of what the third one was. But they were very nice to me. Again, I was a young writer. It was right around the time I was doing that Calvert de Forest thing. I must have been in my 20s.

And Jim Hendricks, who was Commander USA, was lovely to me. Okay, now this sends me off in like how you hear a name or something and sends you off. You're going down the Johnny Yoon rabbit hole? Yes. If it was, in fact, it sounded like the last name Yoon. There was a, and probably all of our listeners will be screaming out the name of the picture. There was a picture about where they defrosted a caveman,

like a more modern day one. It wasn't like a... Not Encino Man with Brendan Fraser. No, no. This was a serious film. And it wasn't like George Zooko. I know what you're thinking of. That's the movie called Iceman.

Yes. And was it... Was Yoon the caveman? No, that is an Asian actor named John Lone. L-O-N-E. Oh, okay. I knew it was an Asian actor. Yeah.

Johnny Yoon was a Korean comedian. Oh, okay. Who played this kind of Bruce Lee-esque, or a man mistaken for Bruce Lee. Yes. In a movie called They Call Me Bruce. And, yeah, I don't think Johnny's with us anymore. John Lone I don't know about. But, yeah, that was my experience.

I mean, they were freelance gigs, and they treated me very well. I remember going to the set, and they had a director's chair with my name on it. And for a 26-year-old, 27-year-old kid, that was a giant thrill. I remember doing some—I don't even remember the name of it. I just know it was like one of these bottom of the barrel budget movies. And I came there and at one point I'm getting tired of standing around. Well, first of all, they had someone pick me up at the airport and drive me and he was saying uh i'm gonna ask if this is actually the movie he said because it was that cheap that you couldn't even tell uh that there were as any there might have been one camera so and and so he said yeah yeah this seems to be where they're what they're filming and and i

went over there i'm standing around i said is this someplace i can sit down and uh the director yells out uh do you know where that chair is and and it's like so they had one chair that they had to find for me to sit down. They had like... I love it. I love it. Over the years, I mean, there have been, I would assume, director's chairs with your name on them. Yeah. Yeah.

I think so, yeah. I think mine was a quick stencil job. It was low-budget television. Morty Weinberg, when recruiting a hesitant guest, what episode do you send them to try to win them over? Well, that's all kinds of episodes. Did you send Al Pacino the Beverly D'Angelo interview? No, we didn't do that.

And an episode suggestion he has, please interview Gino salamone to discuss his love of bird watching i think that's a gag but gino appreciated that i sent it to him we do send um sample episodes to guests that are not necessarily reluctant. But maybe need some convincing. Yeah. From time to time. Yeah. Sometimes we'll send a guest. That kind of seems like.

You know. If it's old Hollywood. We'll get a guest. That we'll play him some tapes. Of old Hollywood actors. That we interviewed. Or singers. Other singers we've done.

Yeah. Or co-stars. Or people they've worked with. So they know that. that we interviewed are singers, other singers we've done. Yeah, yeah. Or co-stars or people they've worked with so they know that, you know, they can go and ask that person, did you have a good time? Was it a safe environment? And where on the doll did Gilbert touch you? We don't – Al Pacino we have not pursued. I think Beverly told us, I mean, we could look further into it. I think Beverly told us that he isn't a great interview.

Yeah, he never struck me as one of those that pops up. He was never a Johnny Carson. He's not a Chatty Cathy. He was on our Pal Leonard Maltin's podcast, though, and pretty good. He did make a little video for us at the cutting room that Dara got, which was

life-changing, yes. It just came on and I thought, oh, this isn't a bad Al Pacino imitation. I wonder who's doing it. And it was actually him.

We did an anniversary show last year before the pandemic hit at the cutting room, before all the shit hit the fan. And Dara, without telling Gilbert and me, she was surprising us. She managed to get some former podcast guests like Neil Sedaka and Bob Saget and Weird Al and Louis Black and people like that to make a little special video congratulations. And somehow Beverly was on it, and she got Al Pacino to say, Congratulations, Gilbert and Frank. Yes.

The world's worst Al Pacino impersonation. I sounded like Bernie Sanders. It sounded a little Tony Curtis shit. Congratulations, Gilbert and Frank. Wonderful. This is Al Pacino, and I just wanted to add my congratulations for Gilbert and Frank as they turn 300 years old. No, as they celebrate. Celebrate.

As they celebrate. Celebrate. Celebrate their 300th episode. Of The Amazing Causes. Of The Amazing Causes. Okay, then also. Also, happy birthday, Gilbert and Dara, and have a great night.

Our pal Gino, but we'll never say no. We'll never say never on Al. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast after this. Gene Beretta, our pal, if you two were on Jeopardy and the category was pre-1980 films, who would win? What do we think of that, Gil? Oh, that's an interesting one. Yeah.

First, they'd have to ask us to be on Jeopardy. Exactly. Have you ever been approached by Celebrity Jeopardy? No, no, but I will say one thing. One time they asked a question on Jeopardy where I was the answer. Was that the one about the podcast? I forget what it was. There was one about the podcast a few years ago, which was an honor. Yeah, and I was so excited because I heard ahead of time, and then there was some terrorist attack on some museum or library or something. And it's in there.

Yeah, and ever since then, I hated the Al-Qaeda. That was the only reason. That was the podcast question. Yes. I have it on my screen here somewhere. It was he interviews celebrities in his

inimitable voice. Oh, yes. On the Amazing Colossal podcast. Yes, but it didn't air. I had the DVR ready to go as well. Second part of Gene's question, would you guys be willing to do a season of Wife Swap? I think Gilbert and Dara have been there already.

I did. I swapped wives with Alan Thicke. Yes. That was a very fortunate day for Dara. Yeah. I think Dara

would only be interested if someone could cook. If I could cook for her. Yes. I do like to cook. that has appealed to her. Gilbert would have to learn my wife's name first. Which is not a given. Yes, her name is Tootles. Tootles.

Yes, he keeps calling. He's met Genevieve probably on 15 or 20 occasions. And the last time, we were sharing a cab together, and she said, hey, Gilbert, what's my name? And he said, I know your name. And she said, what is it? And he said, toodles. I'm one of those people like, I could work

with someone for 50 years. Oh, we know that about you. Yeah, and then go to the men's room, come back and not know who that person is sitting there. I said to Henry Gross, how long do you think after this show wraps one day down the road, how long will it take Gilbert to forget who I am? And Henry said, I don't think he knows who you are now.

And it's been seven years. Yes. And it's been seven years. Yes. John Zito, Z-I-T-O, pre-pandemic, how often did each of you go to see live theater in New York? Gilbert does not go to live theater. That costs money. Yes.

What have been your favorite or most memorable theater-going experiences? Well, in the days when you were working the Broadway theaters. theater going experiences well then the days when you were working the broadway yes i used to work the concessions in the theater selling candy and t-shirts and i saw richard burton in equus yeah and and when richard burton was off for a week anthony perkins in equus wow Wow. I saw A Matter of Gravity with Katharine Hepburn and Christopher Reeve. American Buffalo with Robert Duvall, Kenneth McMillan, and John Savage.

That's cool. Yeah. Kenneth McMillan. There's a character actor. And John Savage, too. So basically, free theater. Yes, yes. Although I did,

there were maybe like two plays, play two three plays we actually did uh find like half price tickets on oh and i saw this is something i took your wife out to a night in the theater yeah yeah i i but this was years ago. I went with my sisters or with my parents. And we saw Play It Again Sam with Woody Allen, Diane Keaton. Tony Roberts. Oh, yeah. Jerry Lacey. And Jerry Lacey. Yes, Jerry Lacey.

Oh, yeah. Jerry Lacey. And Jerry Lacey. Yes, Jerry Lacey. And we saw George C. Scott in Death of a Salesman. Wow. And we saw also Peter Falk and former podcast guest Lee Grant. Oh, in Prisoner of Second Avenue? Yes.

Great. That's right. You told Lee that. That's cool. That's right. You told Lee that. That's cool. That's cool. Those are all great shows. Yeah. And since we're talking about Jerry Lacey playing Bogart, Robert Sackey died a couple of weeks ago.

I saw that. Yeah. Yeah. The star of The Man with Bogart's Face. Sackey was scary. He really looked like him. Yeah. We had just talked about him with Michelle Phillips,

who's in that movie. I mean, you looked at him and said, no, that is footage of Bogart. I know, I know. I love the band's visit with the musical compositions of the great David Yazbek, who has done this show. I also saw Les Mis six times, Gilbert, so you can make fun of me.

Okay. I just absolutely love that show. I'm a sucker for a musical, as anybody who listens to this show knows. Although I will say for our pal Lan Romo, who's probably listening, and I worship Sondheim's talent, but almost all Sondheim goes over my head.

I'm just not that bright. So that will get us cards and letters. I have seen Assassins. I have seen Sweeney Todd. I have seen Pacific Overtures. I have seen Company. But

I fail to to i guess understand i i just remembered i saw another play that was two one-act plays by the same actor and it was one of my faves, Ben Gazzara. Oh. And it was called Yui and Night Clerk. Was that about Yui Long? I don't think so. The kingfish? No, it was, but I was there going, here I am watching Ben Gazzara.

There you go. And on the subject of theater, Lawrence Paone, or Paone, P-A-O-N-E, does Gilbert have any memories fond or otherwise about appearing on Broadway as the narrator in the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Oh, yes. The Rocky Horror Show at Circle in the Square. Yes, and I had fun doing it. You know, they let me just play around with whatever I said. But I remember once again, I thought, this is just for a week. And it reinforces the fact that I never wanted to be a Broadway actor. Because they actually have to work. You can barely memorize your own act.

Yes. He says, I was the box office treasurer, Lawrence says, and I was at the window when Gilbert showed up for his first rehearsal. He was so shy and quiet I didn't recognize him. A week later, he was on stage doing a bit about trying to fuck a pearl. He said it kept rolling off and the audience went wild but there you go uh this from dan fisher uh who does some great uh photoshop work uh on behalf of the podcast some great stuff on facebook uh hey gil i've met you a few times you will not remember i am a prop master for film and tv and i

used to work on mtv's live spring break broadcasts. Oh, yeah, I did a few of those. Do you have any memories of doing live bits among throngs of drunk, horny college students? Well, I remember doing a lot of, you know, like, what was the place in Florida that most of those were done? Oh, God. Well, I guess Orlando or. Yeah, Orlando. Yeah.

And I remember being there. Big Tona Beach. Unfortunately, the horny parts I never experienced. You didn't get any fringe benefits from being in those. Every other guest was getting laid left and right and i'd hear stories like oh god remember that spring break everybody was getting laid there and i go they they were well did someone knock on my door and i was in the shower or something gilbert you don't know how to wield your celebrity. I know.

I was always terrible at that. I've been, for years, I've done shows where a girl will fuck the opening act because she's impressed that he was the opening act for me. But I can't figure out how to do it. Well, there you go. He doesn't have any specific memories. Yeah.

Yeah, I remember. Not getting lucky, he remembers. Yeah. I can give you about a million stories about me jerking off alone in the hotel room if you want. That counts. Yeah. Chris Ketchmark. jerking off alone in the hotel room if you want that counts yeah chris catch mark uh gilbert if you could take a mulligan or a do-over which is what a mulligan is on any film or tv role

what would it be um i don't know just about every yeah you do you resent the fact that your work and and uh in how to be a player g, was unrecognized by the Academy? Yeah, well, it shows how political the business is. It is political. You would basically look through your whole IMDb page and do them over. Take a mulligan on the whole CD. I always think, you know, and they get like some really respected star on like, you know, the Tonight Show or whatever. And then they do something like, oh, and here's some stuff you did before you were a star.

And it's some embarrassing scene in a movie or commercial. And I figured with me, they would have to dig something up and go, and Gilbert, we actually found something of quality that you did. Well, you know, do you go back and look at performances in Beverly Hills Cop 2? I mean, you've got to be proud of that. I'm very proud. You don't want to do that one over? Yeah, yeah. I'm be proud of that. I'm very proud. You don't want to do that one over? Yeah, yeah. I'm very proud of that one. I'm very proud of the, and surprised by the Problem Child movies.

And your work in Aladdin you don't want to do over. Oh, absolutely. Exceptional work. Aaron Alcott, my introduction to Gilbert was him doing a host segment for the movie The Money Pit on Cinemax. Any memory of that? That was probably up all night. It might have been. Yeah.

It might have been. And the director of The Money Pit, Mr. Richard Benjamin, will soon be returning to this very podcast. Yes. Who I auditioned for once, and he didn't pick me. And Stepmother was an alien? Yes. Okay, you get a chance to break his hump about that all over again. Yes, and that was a big hit film.

You would have put it over the top and then wanted a do-over. Alan Bernard. Alan, we have to thank Alan, who curates the Progressive Listener Society Facebook page. He does a great job there. Frank, how did you break into a writing career? Again, as with the other questions about my career, very, very long story, which I can't go into. I didn't so much break in anyway as I seeped in. It took a very, very long time. I went to film school. I started a comedy group, a sketch comedy group in the village. We did live performances.

I was trying to create my own kind of Kentucky Fright Theater and follow that model. I got a manager. I got an agent. I wrote things, random jobs like that Larry Bud Melman thing, the Billy Martin roast, and all kinds of odd jobs in Commander USA

and a lot of cartoons and a lot of freelance gigs. And it's a very, very long, convoluted story that drags out over 30 years. So, again, DM me on Patreon or Facebook and we'll talk about it. I can go into great detail of my horror stories and good and bad stories over the years. Reed Hawkins, for Gil, if you could choose one, Gil, would you take out on a date Bea Benederit, Francis Bavier, or Frank Cady? Do we know who Frank Cady was?

He was Mr. Drucker on Green Acres. Oh! The druggist. Well, Frank had, Frank Drady had some great legs. He did. But I have to, I am fascinated by... Frances Bavier? Yeah, yeah.

I really think a movie should be made about her. Are you a cat person? Is that your interest in Frances Bavier? Yeah. Oh, yes. She became a crazy cat woman. And then she moved out of Hollywood to some other state. And that was to escape from Hollywood.

And yet, being in another state made her a much bigger star in that state. Because, like, in Hollywood, you know, you'll see Kirk Douglas and Marilyn Monroe walking down the street. But she was in one of these states. You don't see anybody. So it was like, oh, my God, this is Aunt Bea. She was a big fish in a small pond. Yeah, they peek in her window and everything. They have to do a movie of her life.

Okay. Gilbert Gottfried wants to produce the Francis Bavier story for a lifetime. Maybe we could do it with here. They wrote two movies I was in, and I still can't pronounce their names. Oh, Larry Karaszewski. Yes. You can't pronounce their names. Oh, Larry Karaszewski. Yes. You can't pronounce Scott Alexander? Scott Alexander I can work on.

Okay. Scott and Larry, we have their emails. We're going to write them. We're going to tell them to start working on the Francis Bavier movie. Yes. Yeah. And I heard late, late in her life, she finally, she did call and talk to Andy Griffith because the two of them hated each other. That's what I hear.

That's what I hear. So, okay, so the answer is you're going Francis Bavier. For Frank, with your photographic memory, what is the one thing you have trouble remembering? Like people's names. No, I remember everybody's names. Phone numbers, car keys, wallets. Yeah. I am the kind of left brain, right brain person where I can remember, you know, the ninth billed person, you know, in a TV movie from 1973 with Ruth Gordon. But I can't remember where my keys are or where I put my wallet. I'm the exact same way. Somebody said to me where they asked me a question and I had no idea. And it was a simple question.

And he says, you know who directed a film from 1920? That's it. But you don't know this. No. I can give you the entire cast of Tidal Wave, the Lorne Green disaster movie, in alphabetical order. But I leave credit cards in cabs and taxi cabs. Now you pay with a credit card. You slide the card in and it sits in the little device.

And I have walked out of the cab 40 times and left credit cards in cabs. I wonder how many credit cards are lost in cabs. A lot. Before I had a proper iPhone, I had the little flip phones. And I left probably 20 of those in taxi cabs and on buses. My wife has bought me dozens of scarves that I've left on buses. I lose things, and I can't remember where I place things, and it really drives me crazy. And then, of course, the old classic are umbrellas.

Umbrellas. I've gone through 100 umbrellas in the last decade easily. Easily. You and I, we should not live together. We would both be Oscar. David McConaughey, how do you guys spend your time aside from GGACP? What time aside, I ask. And Gilbert, how many gigs do you take on in a month?

And then how do you handle the responsibilities of parenting? Is Darren nearby to hear this? Because we could get a good laugh out of her. I'll swear the Fifth Amendment on this one. The responsibilities. That's the funniest thing I ever heard. Ed Marcus. Gilbert, if you could remake any movie, no matter what genre, what would you choose?

Wow. See, because this is the thing. You know, you hate when they remake a great movie. Yes. But it would be nice if they could take a total bomb and remake it. What about Skidoo? Yeah, that could possibly. I don't know if that had any chance.

No, there's nothing of value. No, there's nothing of value. I think, I think in the right hands, Jerry Lewis's movie. Oh, God, I forget Jerry Lewis's movie. What, Latter Day One? Yes, the one that no one's ever seen. Smorgasbord? No, no, no. Hardly Working?

No, no, the one, the lost one that lost one that day the clown cried the day the clown cried i think in the right hands that could be a good movie well the roberto benigni movie life is beautiful isn't that in the same realm uh yeah which always got me it's like uh people always made fun of the fact that jerry lewis is beloved by the french and looked upon as a genius even though he's just some goofy stupid comic and then uh uh benigni comes here and he america makes him the next char Chaplin. Strange. Unfair. Unfair. And also he adds,

Frank, did you know there was an old silent movie studio on East 15th and Avenue M in Brooklyn? Did you know this, Gil? I don't remember. How about that? How about that? Well, there were silent studios all over Brooklyn and Queens.

Yeah. You know, in the day. I don't know that specific one. Cliff Nesteroff is your man on that. Gregory Ward. Gil, what did the owner of my local comedy club in Springfield have on you to convince you to come here? Springfield, Missouri, I should say. Springfield, Moe.

And Frank, when are you coming to visit to Branson, recruit some of the local talent? If you make it here, Yakov Smirnoff tickets are on me. Wow, that is a hard offer to turn down. Yes. In America, you buy tickets. In Russia, the tickets buy you. What a country.

In America, you watch a show. In Russia, the show watches you. What a country. Yakov has the same laugh as Arnold Horschak, I just realized.

Have you met Yakov Smirnoff? Oh, yeah. Okay. And he said, in America, you meet Gilbert Gottfried. In Russia, Gilbert Gottfried meets you. That's his right and true formula. Oh, my God. Jen Moran. Jer Moran. Jen Moran.

Jer Moran. Jer Moran. Sorry, I'm laughing. Too much to see the page. Jer, short for Jeremy, I assume. Question for both Gilbert and Frank. Are there any recent films you've enjoyed? Recent?

I guess he means after 1974. Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 1974 yes oh my god oh my god last night i was at a party and there were these two young guys there i don't know like uh late teens early 20s and and i mentioned to them they would start talking to me and i mentioned like i really like old movies And they said that they like old movies, too. And particularly the movies from the 90s. Wow, that hurts.

Yes, that is, I'll be in pain with that for the rest of my life. Wow. You know, I used to listen to CBS FM, which is an oldies station. Yes. My whole life, it was playing 60s oldies. You would tune into CBSFM and you would hear Jailhouse Rock and you'd hear some 70s, but, you know, mostly you'd hear the Big Bopper and you'd hear, well, that's 50s, but you'd hear a lot of 60s pop music, top 40. It's now 80s. The 80s is now considered oldies on CBS FM, and I'm completely depressed.

And when these guys said old movies from the 90s, I thought— That's a dagger in your heart. So Turner Classic Movies is going to be doing a dedication to the 90s. Well, every now and then, Turner Classic Movies runs more modern movies. Yeah. You know, listen, these are the changing times. We're the only ones lost in 1957 on this show. Yes, recent films, I mean, I don't see many recent films because most of the movies that I have time to watch are movies that I'm doing for podcast research. Like I just rewatched Brewster McCloud because we had John Shuck on the show,

and I'll watch a bunch of Richard Benjamin stuff because he's coming back. I did love Jojo Rabbit, a movie from I think 2019, scored by our pal Michael Giacchino. I thought that was a brilliant comedy that managed to handle the darkness and the light seamlessly because it's about Nazis. Really beautifully done. And I watch a lot of television. Fargo on FX, which is a few

years old. It's brilliant. When was the last time you sat in a movie theater? Oh, God. The last movie theater, the last movie i went to it may have been a screening it may have been a wga screening uh but but a movie where i bought a ticket no uh jojo rabbit yeah i saw the screening i saw that a guild screening i can't i can't remember which is which is shame on us because we're're the guys sitting here talking about extolling the virtues of movie theaters.

Yeah, but movie theaters, it's sad, but they're just dead. Well, they're all closed in Manhattan, virtually. I can't remember the last time my wife and I bought a ticket to maybe one of the Star Wars movies with her family. I think we had an event with a family event, and we saw The Force Awakens together. I can't remember. Shame on me. But it's getting harder and harder. Ken, finally, the two of you seem so in sync in your taste, but what are some films that you disagree on? Do we disagree on much, Gilbert?

I don't think so. Do we disagree on, on, on much Gilbert? I don't think so. Usually we agree on everything. Yeah. I guess I'm not as big a fan of, of Jerry Lewis movies as you are. You, you won't catch me watching way, way out.

Oh my God. What's that? Connie, Connie Stevens, Connie Stevens. Yeah. Or the Connie? Connie Stevens. Connie Stevens. Yeah. Or the delicate delinquent. Yeah, and I think Dick Shawn was in that.

And delicate delinquent was originally written as a Martin and Lewis picture. Right. Yeah. I do like the Martin and Lewis pictures. I do like those. picture. Right. Yeah. I do like the Martin and Lewis pictures. I do like those. See, now when I watch a Martin and Lewis picture,

every now and then I find something funny. But for the most part, I think this is so weird because people who saw them live say it was a religious experience. The funniest thing ever, they say. But

the Martin and Lewis pictures are, oh, that's kind of funny. Yeah. I'd say Gilbert and I agree on everything. I like Ferris Bueller a little bit more than he does. Will Harris. Will Harris is a fan of the show and a terrific writer and interviewer. He does random roles for the AV Club. They're great.

How did Gilbert end up doing the Clint Eastwood impression? He's credited as a tough guy vocal. You know where I'm going with this, Gil? On a song called Make My Day. Oh my. By a band called Z. Z-E-E. Oh my god. I have

vague recollections of that. Yeah, it's on YouTube. It's some strange kind of, I don't know if it's a hip-hop record, but it's got you in the background going, make my day, doing this weird Clint Eastwood thing. Wow. I hope you got paid. Only vague memories of that.

Not with my agent. Exactly. John Ray, here's the setup, Gil. James Mason is having difficulty landing any acting roles, so to make ends meet, he tries his hand at stand-up. Gilbert helps him by letting him use his Ben

Gazzara joke during open mic night. So he wants you to hear Ben... Jesus Christ. That's like too long a bit. I know. Maybe you could do the punchline as James Mason. And the alien says, Ben Gazzara's a good actor.

Why can't he get the series? Beautiful. There you go. John Ray. He takes requests. Gary Esposito, have you guys thought about doing a Zoom meetup, a free Zoom meetup, and showing all 13 episodes, well, really 12, of Gilbert's year on Saturday Night Live and having running commentary?

I think that's Gilbert's version of hell. Yes, yes. I don't think there is one second of me on Saturday Night Live that I'd want anyone to see. Okay, so that goes back to the question about your do-over. Yes. Your do-over the entire season. I do-over by not doing the show at all. Okay.

Let's see here. Dr. Z, Eric Z, MD, medical deviant. Yes. Uh, let's see here. Dr. Z, Eric Z, MD, medical deviant. Ah, yes. I was listening to an old Howard Stern episode, Al Goldstein. Al Goldstein was in serious financial trouble and friends were vowing to help. And Al said that Gilbert promised to send him 20 bucks. I was wondering if Gilbert ever sent that 20 bucks. Well, I sent a very large amount of money,

but I made sure to ask him not to tell anyone. Because I hate when people thank me for those things. It was an anonymous donation? Yes. Oh my god. Also, Eric Z wants

to know what happened to origami less boneless Raybone, and will you have him back? Paul was on not long ago. Yeah. We did a mini episode, a Patreon-only episode with Paul. He's around? Yeah. I think he's off now looking up an answer because we said,

who was the title character in King Kong? We're still trying to find... Oh, and in what country did Casablanca take place in? Hilarious. Let's see what we have

here. Ernest, I'm curious, both of you, what are your takes on the 1963 movie Comedy of Terrors? It's an old AIP movie. Oh my God, I haven curious, both of you, what are your takes on the 63 movie Comedy of Terrors? It's an old AIP movie. Oh, my God. I haven't seen that for a while. With Karloff and Laurie. Was Basil Rathbone in that, too?

Yeah, he's in it. Vincent Price and Joey Brown's last movie. Ah. I never saw it, interestingly enough. I know about it. I've probably seen five, ten minutes of it somewhere. I think I probably saw it when I was a kid and don't remember it all that well. Yeah, okay. But maybe you'll revisit it.

Okay. Maybe you'll fall in love with it. I thought Corman wasn't directly involved in that, strangely enough, even with that cast. I think in that film they turn Peter Lorre into a big bird. That sounds right. Yeah. Sounds right. David Coyle, PhD.

I'm wondering if Gilbert has ever tried to learn any Yiddish. Old Jewish theater recordings exist and are even being made available online. Would he consider going deeper into this lost genre? There were one or two words that I picked up from my grandmother, but let me see a sentence if I could remember. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, here. oh god of oh here so healthy a toit and bonkers now what that meant nice is you know like uh cupping that they do with people where they used to put a cup on you with a candle inside yes Yes. And so in Yiddish, it's called bunking and or bunkus.

And and and so what the sentence means, it's like giving bunkus to a corpse, like when something's hopeless. Wow. Very good. And you retain that all those years. Yes. What if what if somebody offered you a half a million dollars to do your whole act in Yiddish? Then I would... I'd go up there with pay as... Gilbert Gottfried in The Chosen. Charlie Bruce. Charlie Bruce. I'd like to hear Gilbert's memories of an early routine of his, in particular a Nostradamus bit where a soothsayer says about Happy Days, a Happy Days spinoff. Do you know where this is going? Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Go ahead. Yeah. I say back then it was the 1400s. Oh, back then it was the 1400s, and people were going,

this is a long time ago. Yes, I love that joke. Nostradamus predicted Henry Winkler would be a big star. And in the 1400s, they were going, Winkler, Chachi, I could see, but not Winkler. That's ridiculous. You're not still doing that stuff, huh? I think I may do it in my next show.

Bring out a Chachi reference. It's current. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. Frank, do you say Charlie Bruce also asked, Frank, do you have a pet project or screenplay that you would love to produce? But haven't had about a million pet projects. Yeah, I had some screenplays optioned in my L.A. days. I wrote a I wrote a movie called Damage People with a late great comic named Sam Brown.

I wrote a movie called Damage People with a late great comic named Sam Brown. It was a love story about two neurotics that was almost made into a movie. I wrote a couple of other comedies. I've written pilots. There are a lot of things I'd like to do. There are a lot of shows I'd like to do. I'd like to do something with showbiz history since this podcast has turned me into an amateur historian. Lots of projects. I'll go into them in detail one day.

Jay Feldman. Oh, wait. Go ahead. I just remembered a Chachi story. Okay. Let's hear it. That aside from dating, oh, Jesus. Aaron Moran. Pam Anderson. Oh, right. oh yeah right there pam used to date pam and i thought you were staying in happy days land and aside from her and maybe one or two of

the other stars he would just show up at the set and they'd have a million extras and he'd be uh banging one extra after the other and and they used to when he'd show up they used to call the show bail watch wow yeah i never heard that that's great i love that uh let's see uh what else we have here we got so manyitzman. Gil, how does your lovely bride tolerate you day in, day out, week after week, year after year? Does she tolerate you? No. Okay. Oh, an answer to your question. Does anyone

actually know who the father of her children are? They seem way too well-mannered to be related to Gilbert in any way. Well, they both look like the UPS men. I don't know why. Fred Wheaton, our pal Fred Wheaton.

We've heard about the life masks that Gilbert has. Are there any faces of other celebrities, living or dead, he would like to add to his wall? I don't know. It's funny. The kind of collectibles I've acquired, it's like I kind of prefer if I'm at a museum or someone's house looking at their collectibles.

Because, boy, I have a habit of collecting just loads of crap after a while. Yeah, me too. Me too. He says, would Frank, is there anything you guys would obtain to start a collection? Casts of other body parts.

Like those rock rupees. Like Cynthia Plaster cast her? Is that what he's going for? If somebody saved Milton Berle's cock, I'd certainly like that. And a glass display. Yes, he would. Very much. K.I.

Gil, the comedians you came up with. Jerry Seinfeld, Tim Allen, Bobcat, do you stay in touch with these people? Yeah, you and Jerry are thick as thieves, right? Yes, yes. Constantly. Me and Jerry are constantly playing tennis together. Going on long drives. Bobcat we talk to from time to time.

He's been on the show. Yes. And I once worked with him on, what was thatsi right did an episode and hot to trot oh yes yes don't forget hot to talk about movies to do over exactly from everyone's perspective ben oakley as in Oakley-Dokeley, I guess, or Oakooley. Boy, you beat me to that joke. I swear. Ned Flanders. Can Gilbert confirm, if it's true, that Ethel Merman left Ernest Borgnine so fast because on their honeymoon he gave her a Dutch oven?

It sounds like it has to be true. If it's not true, it should be. It sounds like it has to be true. That is not a wedding gift. That is not like getting a rotisserie. Yeah, I would say seek out Drew Friedman's book, his first book for Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine. 32 days they were married. Yes. How about that? Ridiculous.

I mean, whatever drug they were on when they got married. Kevin S. Watsi. I think it's time we get Gilbert a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. What do we think of this idea? Sure. What the hell? You got a pony up. Yes. Oh, you have to pay for those. Yes, but I don't think you have to pay. I think you're fan base. Oh, if other people want to, you know, for homeless people to piss on. Yeah, it's overdue, Gil. Who should we put you between?

Where should your star be situated? In front of a pizza store. It's so funny. With that, just like the handprints outside Grauman's Theater, they change them. So, like, they'll dig out the cement. And I always thought, when I found that out, I thought, wait a minute. This is supposed to be immortality that you're in that. And it's like, no, it's a couple of years. And then they dig it up and toss it in the garbage.

They replace you with R2-D2's wheel prints. Yes. Yes. It's sort of a commentary on show business, isn't it? Oh, absolutely. In a way, it's a sad commentary. Sam Korak, or Korash, or Korash, gills pick for a quick fan-favorite impression,

Chico Dice Marks. You remember any of that? Oh, well, I don't remember it, but let me try it, Chico. Hey, what are you, Palo Homo? That's good. Hey, what are you, Palo Homo? That's good. He's just invented another character for his act. Matt Rawlings. I hope you get my old boss, songwriter, Mike Stoller, Mike Stoller on the show. Well, we'd love to have Mike Stoller.

Lots of stories about Elvis and the Colonel and Jerry Lieber, Jerry Lieber hanging up on the Rolling Stones, Lieber and Stoller. Lots of stories about Elvis and the Colonel and Jerry Lieber hanging up on the Rolling Stones. Lieber and Stoller. We would love to have him put us in touch, Matt. He is a genuine legend. We love songwriters on this show, as we have said. Ira, let's see here.

Jay Feldman. I just finished reading both Cliff Nesteroff's and Howard Storm's books, both funny books. They overlap wonderfully. I heard you comment about several great comics who were simply SOBs. I guess he's referring to Danny Kaye and Joey Bishop. Likewise, there were a number who could be counted on as mensches, too many to list. My question is this. Do you think the SOBs might have been so or had difficult personalities due to their having been pathologically insecure?

Oh, I'm sure. Of course. Insecurity in comedy? Yes. No. What are you speaking of, sir? Come on. Yes.

I mean, we are not qualified here. We are not doctors. Gilbert has played one. Yes. He has played Dr. Spleen. And I played a dentist at least twice. Yes, but we are not qualified to do psychological assessments of these difficult personalities. Zoran Samarja.

There's a name. That's like the Bride of Dracula. Zoran Zemardja. There's a name. That's like the Bride of Dracula. Zoran Zemardja. Does Gilbert know the lyrics to the theme song of My Mother the Car? Oh, I don't. Do you know that one? Would you settle for Car 54 instead, Zoran? Because Gilbert can do that one.

There's a holdup in the Bronx. Brooklyn's broken out in fights. There's a traffic jam in Harlem. That's backed up to Jackson Heights. There's a scout to show the child. Crew chef doing Ida Wilde. Car 54, where are you?

There you go. My mother, the car, I could do a little bit from memory, but I have gaps. It's something like we all come back sooner or later. It's a reincarnation theme. Do you know this? To a pussycat or a man-eating alligator.

Oh, the alligator one sounds like vaguely. My mother, my mother dear decided she'd come back as a car. She's my very own guiding star. You remember this? A 1928 Porter. Oh, okay. That's my mother, dear. Something like that. And speaking of Joey Ross.

Yes. Uh, uh, oh, um. Wait a minute. Oh, I had the song in my head. this um it's about time it's about space about two guys in the craziest place that's it by the way alan burns writer alan burns who just left us not long ago who would have been a great podcast guest created my mother the car so there you go. Andrew McCallum, my son and I have watched several old monster movies,

Godzilla and It's a Mad, Mad World. He is often put off by movies not being in color, though. I'm looking for old flicks to share with the boy. What movies does Gil enjoy sharing with his kids? Well, you've turned Max on to, we've talked about it, all the universal horror stuff. Yeah. Like when he was like one, I would say to him, you know, who played Frankenstein? He'd go, Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney Jr.

So, yeah, I've turned them on to, I wish there was some more. But, you know, they know who the marx brothers are yeah uh but i don't think they're familiar with their pictures do they have an objection to black and white movies your kids uh i don't think so but it is so weird it's like oh this is getting back to that thing about like the guys who the old 90s movies. Whenever like on TV, they'll do a show like, you know, a salute to old television. And they'll have like, you know, Will and Grace as an ancient TV show. I don't understand that.

And nothing. Zero and black and white. They will not have black and white old TV shows. I don't understand it. It's weird. Blaze Piffington. There's a name for you. Yes.

Blaze Piffington. He says his real name is Brian Pinzon. I am unsure if anyone asked this. Has there ever been an episode that has been recorded? Yes, but for some extreme or crazy reason could not be aired. The one Raybone loss doesn't count. No, that wasn't Paul. That was

Verterosa, but he didn't lose it either. Yes. A couple of episodes didn't air because of people who were in questionable health. Yes. And the Irwin Corey episode we've talked about. And one episode we had to completely redo with that guest because the first one was too dirty. Yes.

And the funny thing is, is the first one. I mean, the second one, when he came back, it was great. But the first one was very funny. But he was afraid. He was doing like an industry. Well, like, you know, he was a spokesman for a big corporation. Yes, we won't give away who it is. And I know how big corporations don't always have a great sense of humor.

I've had some experience in that area. A little. T.K.D. Sandberg. I seem to recall Frank once mentioned he knew Harlan Ellison, a legendary writer with a cantankerous reputation. That's not easy to say. I always love watching him. What else can...

He always seemed to speak from the heart. What was he like? Do you have any stories about him? I don't have a lot of stories. I didn't know Harlan well. I spent two famous days with him. I met him through Len Wein, the late great comic book writer

and creator of Wolverine and other wonderful characters. Harlan took a shine to me. He liked me, and I was lucky. And I made him laugh, which was a great honor. I spent a Thanksgiving with him. I had a couple of phone conversations with him. I didn't get to know him well.

A little bit. Enough to be thrilled by it. And he would have been a terrific guest on this show. Yeah. Bob Silva, Aloha Boys and Dara, do you remember the first movie you ever saw in a theater? I think we've covered this before. Yeah.

I think mine, speaking of John Davidson, I think mine was a Disney movie called The Happiest Millionaire. Oh. With I think Leslie Ann Warren comes to mind I I don't I remember really early pictures that I saw but I can't I

I think well I know I saw I don't think it was the first movie I know I saw The Incredible Mr. Limpid well that's yeah

that's what 60 65 66 67 and I may have seen you had to see a movie before then Well, that's, yeah, that's what, 60, 65, 66, 67? And I may have seen one. You had to see a movie before then. And I may have seen one of those horrible Bob Hope movies.

Oh, that's right. We talked about that. Was it, was it, was it, was it? Bachelor in Paradise. Cancel My Reservation? Yeah, one of those horrible... Boy, did I get a wrong number? Yeah, like one of those movies, like, even when you're

two years old watching it, you go, what the fuck is this? Don Simon wants to know if... These are great questions, by the way. We have to thank everybody for these as we wrap up and wind down. If each of you could have lived the life of one of your podcast guests,

who would that have been and why? I know mine would be Jimmy Webb because my dream in life is to be a songwriter. So I have songwriter envy. It would be Paul Williams or Jimmy Webb or the Holland Brothers. Gil? Oh.

Anybody you would want to be? I can't think of any yeah see it's like you know how these people say oh wouldn't it be great to live uh back then yes and i think no no i i like the comforts i have now so exactly exactly we only live in the past figuratively. Yes, yes. Yeah, I still want hot and cold running water. I get it. Adam Palmer, of all the guests you've had on the podcast, who do you think has the most overall knowledge of TV, music, and film like you guys? Well, so many people. Yeah.

He says Rupert Holmes is the guest that amazes me the most. Rupert is amazing in addition to being a polymath. He knows everything. And, of course, Robert Osborne. Robert Osborne, Ben Mankiewicz, Cliff, Drew Friedman, Scott and Larry. Leonard and Malton knows everything. Oh, yeah. So, so many of our guests would fall into the category.

I forgot to add Don Simon adds at the end of his question, I want to thank you guys and all associated with the podcast for keeping the great work of so many people alive many years later. You've not only reminded me of so many things I thought I forgot, but introduced me to so much more in the words of Gilbert. Oh, thank you. Oh, oh, Mikael. Thank you, Don. got but introduce me to so much more in the words of gilbert oh thank you oh oh mccall we love hearing that ray garton g-a-r-t-o-n we hear from ray a lot uh you have in your future uh an indefinite stay on a deserted island gilbert take along one entire run of one 1960s TV series.

What are you taking along with you? Oh, well, you know, I guess Car 54. You're going to take Car 54? Yeah. I'm going to take The Twilight Zone. Oh, excellent. Excellent. Which I believe crosses over from the 50s, if I'm not mistaken.

But there you go on that one. And we had Rod Serling's daughter on this show. I would take the Twilight Zone or Flipper. One of those two.

Would you take Night Gallery? I would take Night Gallery. Also, not the 60s. Let's see. I'm going to get to one or two more as we run out of time, and Gilbert has a party to attend because he's that popular.

Yeah, I live a celebrity life, yes. Yes. Let's see. My son and I have watched the old Universal movies, monster movies. This is from Andrew McCallum. Oh, no, I already did that one.

Moises Tavera. I have a six-year-old, and I've slowly started introducing him to the Universal films, like he enjoyed Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein, until the Wolfman started chasing them, and then he got scared. I also bought Pete Von Schale's History of Monsters pull-out book.

Yes, we'll shout out Pete. A great book. My question is, what would you recommend as a kid-friendly horror movie? Ooh. Aside from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Well, you know, I've been in Costello, certainly, but he got scared by that. Yeah, yeah. Maybe Mad Monster Party.

Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, that's an odd one. Now, that was Karloff and also Phil Stiller, I think, was in that. That sounds right. Yes, I believe that's right. Let me see. I'm winding down. uh let me see i'm winding down mark schatzberg did uh gilbert ask harvey miller for any great odd couple stories when he was shooting bad medicine no i i should have but i never did

that that's one i kicked myself about and he would have been a great podcast guest he died before we were on but he would have been a great podcast guest. He died before we were on, but he would have been a great podcast guest. Yeah, he was a wonderful character. Let's wind up with this one. And again, we will thank everybody for these wonderful, wonderful questions. Harold Steenworth, Gilbert and Frank, I would like you to both view on YouTube a short interview of the Grateful Dead's Jerry Garcia called The Movie That Changed My Life. He talks about the first time he saw Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein when he was six and how he came to love monster movies, Bud and Lou, the makeup artists.

And the movie even inspired him to attend art school. He actually sounds like he has both of you guys combined in his personality and makes a great case for why monster movies and comedies touch us just like a roller coaster scares the hell out of us and then we can't stop laughing. Take a look at it. Thank you, Gilbert and Frank,

for keeping us monster kids on this roller coaster of both scary movies and side-splitting laughter. That's nice. Yeah, that is. That's a nice one. Oh, thank you.

Oh, that is. That's a nice one. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, that's a little shout out to Gino. Okay, I lied. I'm going to throw one more in. Let me find a good one. Pete Nelson, maybe this has come up on the podcast, but how long have you guys known each other and how did you meet? Gilbert, was it as kids or jury duty?

Or I think we were in the Army together. Were the Army? That was Felix and Oscar. Or I was like a, in the, it was during Prohibition. Yeah. And I was like in the, it was during Prohibition. Yeah. And I was blinky.

You were blinky, Gottfried. And I was an ophthalmologist. Yes. An optometrist. Dr. Santo Padre. We met many times over the years. Yes. And each time, well, that's the funniest part of it.

It's like after I'd been on like, oh, the Rich Jenny had a show for a while. Caroline's Comedy Hour. Yeah, I was a writer on that show. Yeah, and a couple of other things like that that you were a writer on. And then I'm walking down the street in la and i 100 percent total stranger of course because at that point we'd only met five times yes yeah yeah and you said i'm going to an autograph convention and i thought oh shit i definitely want to go there and and you know you know, you could have been a child monster

riding around in your van. But why would I have stopped for you if that was the case? Well, it was a really slow day. Unless you were dressed like Stinky in a little Lord... ...Walt Leroy costume. Yes, that's that's that's i will say

thank heaven for dara well or dara's parents we should this show we owe we owe a debt of thanks to dara's parents for raising

her properly so that she learned my name yes she had actual social skills and learned who i was

and that's how gilbert and i came to create this show i think in the first 20 shows, I totally mispronounced your name. It's fine. It makes them little collector's items. Yes.

Like a baseball card with a typo on it. Yes, yes. So we'll wrap this up. We will thank all the Patreon people who generously support this show. This was a nice short show for summer, Gil. Yes. A nice easy one.

So people can listen to this, go outside and enjoy the sunshine. They don't have to be trapped in the house. We want to thank all our Patreon supporters, but especially the people who went to the trouble of giving us questions. Anybody can support this show. It's a labor of love, and your love and your support keeps us going. So please join us. There are merch discounts. There's bonus content, bonus episodes, behind-the-scenes videos,

autographed pictures. You can get all kinds of goodies at patreon.com slash what? Gilbert Gottfried. That is correct. What are you going to do with the rest of your day? I hear Dara's dragging you to a barbecue. Ah, yes, it sounds exciting. You'll be approached by two people who are nostalgic for the 2010s.

Ah, yes. Yes. Thank you, everybody on Patreon. And thank you Gino and Josh Chambers and Michelle Mantinen and Greg Pair and Dino Preserpio and John Seals. And everybody and Jack Vaughn and Aristotle Ace, and Lan Romo, and everybody who helps make this show. As I always like to say, it takes a village. And thank you to all our patrons. Patrons, Patreon patrons from the bottom of our heart. Did you want to add anything?

No. Do you want to sing the Car 54 theme again? There's a holdup in the Bronx. Brooklyn's broken out in fights. There's a traffic jam in Harlem. That's backed up to Jackson Heights. There's a scout troop short a child. Cruise ships to an idle wild.

Car 54, where are you? Beautiful. I thank you, Gilbert. I thank you for everything you are. And the gift that is you. Go enjoy your day in the sun. Oh, God. We'll see you guys next week.

Okay, next week, everyone. Bye-bye. Done. Yeah? guys next week. Okay, next week, everyone. Bye-bye. Don. Yeah? Like, what's his name said? That'll hold those little bastards. Bastards? You should have thrown that in.

Uncle Don. Yes, yes. Yes. Everybody knows in a second life we all come back sooner or later. Is anything from a pussycat to a man-eating alligator? Well, you may think my story

is more fiction than it's fact, but believe it or not, my mother dear decided she'd come back as a car. She's my very own guiding star, a 1928 Porter, that's my mother dear. She helps me do everything I do, and I'm so glad she's here. Well, everything my daddy never was, well, now she wants me to be. She's taken her place As the fifth member Of my small family And she'll blow her radiator When things ain't going right And whenever she gets too lonely

We just all gotta spend the night With my car She's my very own guiding star. I mean a 1928 Porter. That's my mother, dear. She helps me through everything I do. And I'm so glad she's here. My mother, the car.

Oh, my mother, the car. My mother, the car. My mother, the car. My mother the car. My mother the car. My mother the car. I was wondering, do you think we could chip in and get an XK150?