Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - "Teen Movie Hell" with Mike "McBeardo" McPadden Encore

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

GGACP celebrates the birthday (August 21) of our dearly-missed friend and colleague, Mike "McBeardo" McPadden with this ENCORE of a 2019 interview about Mike's informative and entertaining book "Teen Movie Hell." In this episode, Mike guides the boys through a history of coming-of-age comedies of the 1980s and '90s, including the good ("Risky Business," "Say Anything") the bad ("Playing for Keeps," "Getting Wasted") and the unbearable ("Gorp," "Pink Motel"). Also, "Porky's" starts a trend, John Hughes changes the game, Charles Fox pens the music of "Zapped!" and Mad magazine RESENTS "Up the Academy." PLUS: Eric Von Zipper! “The Last American Virgin”! In praise of "Heaven Help Us"! Christopher Lee goes slumming! And Gilbert looks back at his years on “USA Up All Night”! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 2. Gilbert and Frank's Colossal Obsessions. Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and our engineer, Frank Ferdarosa. And this is Gilbert and Frank's Amazing Colossal Obsessions. And we have the author of the book, Teen Movie Hell, a crucible of coming-of-age comedies from Animal House to Zapped,

Mike McBeardo McFadden. He's laughing through the introduction of his name. That's always a good start. Thank you, yes. Good spirits. Yes. Now, this is something. We just, as this is being recorded,

we just interviewed Jolly Fox. Yeah, the composer of Zapped just walked out the door. Oh, my gosh. Wow. He was just here. And Gilbert sang three songs from Zapped just walked out the door. Gosh, wow. He was just here. And Gilbert sang three songs from Zapped, Mike, not one. Wow. And I remembered those. I wasn't trying to remember them. I remembered those

because... Did he? Did Charlie Fox remember them? No. The first two I had to sing it and then he remembered. The third one, he had no recollection he wrote it because he said he writes so much it's some of it also they're the songs from zapped nobody's gonna remember even the composer now zapped is one of those movies you know all these teen comedies promise to be great jerk-off films and they they always

disappoint and it's like here with zapped you know uh uh uh scott scott bayo willie ames scott man crothers and of course heather thomas and of course lawanda page yes yes and so you've got heather thomas there and scenes where through telekinesis he rips her blouse off and it immediately flashes to some stunt tits you know and it even says the first credit as the movie ends is a body double was used for Miss Heather Thomas's nude scene and photograph. Wow. There's a doctored photograph in that. Very disappointing to you, Gilbert. Absolutely.

And she had the greatest man made breast ever. Did Scatman use a body double? He did. Lawanda didn't. I see. And the flying salamis attacks and our friend eddie deason's in that one too isn't he yes yeah yes yeah because heather thomas was so hot and and it's this showing and and it's the phoniest i hate when it's really those phony so they might as well have flashed the words

body double it's face, tits, back to face yes, yes it's like cut the head is cut off a little context Mike before we go into we go into my favorites and Gilbert's favorites and I knew we'd start off

with zapped because it was the perfect segue since Charles was just here but your last book which we talked about my favorites and Gilbert's favorites. And I knew, I knew we'd start off with zapped because it was the perfect segue since Charles was just here. But, uh, your last book, which we talked about, we had you on the show,

heavy metal movies. Yeah. Which is also indispensable. I will say to our listeners, I, in fact, I think it inspired an episode that we did. I think your review of the wicker man.

Oh yes, it did. That's right. Original wicker man inspired an episode. The early days of the amazing Colossal Obsessions. Absolutely. And I should also remind people that Mike is not just the author of this book. He also works with the podcast.

He also does Facebook. For us, he runs the Gilbert Gottfried Amazing Colossal Facebook page. He does a wonderful job with that. Thank you. Why this project? And it was years in the making. I was a very horny teenager when these films came along.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High opened the very first Friday I started high school of my freshman year. Ferris Bueller, a film I hate, as well as you. Yes! Thank you! Thank you! We'll get to that in a moment.

It's nice that you have that shit and share that. That opens the very Friday after I graduated four years later. So, working my way through adolescence,

these were the movies of my youth, literally. They were made for me, literally. And so you just felt compelled to tell the story of these movies.

Yeah, and they're also like nuts. And that's what I really liked about it. And it's a real snapshot of a time that could never exist again. Yeah. Although there are some, you make a case in the book, you have a couple of pages of some films in the 21st century that are trying. Yeah, it's self-aware stuff. But those are like 20 years old at this point.

Yeah. American Pie and stuff. Sure, sure. this point yeah and american pie and sure sure when when i did uh usa up all night this was like the brunt of those movies with the tits and ass cut out cut out they didn't have cursing in it but so many people i mean i'm i'm 50 i know i'm a spry 50 but uh so many people younger than i am say that's how they found these films that's's what they feel. I was like, why were you watching? Yeah. Did you watch these on up all night with Gilbert?

Did you? No. At that point, I was a drug addict. Oh, okay. I was having much more fun than watching Gilbert and no tits. Got it. Boy, you don't look it. He was having more fun than watching you introduce Leanna Quigley.

Yeah, you look like Jack LaLonde. With her clothes on. With her clothes on. Yes, yes. Yeah, you described some of these movies as, well, Gilbert alluded to it earlier, you described them as porno movies watered down for adults in the book. No, for 13-year-olds. Yeah, for 13-year-olds.

Porno movies watered down for 13-year-olds. That's exactly what they were. Because if you recall, now, when I was 13, I grew up in Brooklyn. And, you know, New York City was full of pornography. It sure was. We wanted it. And, you know, this drove a 13-year-old Irish Catholic boy quite mad. And there was no way.

I was way too terrified to attempt to get into the porno theater but once porkies came along i knew i could fake my way into that so you the damage was done you consider porkies to be one of the turning point films for this that is the flash point of the 80s phenomenon yeah see you know i never really got into the whole porn thing, but I love great R-rated nudity. Yes, we established that in previous episodes. I call it Gilbert nudity, and that's like a naked girl doing her taxes. Dusting a ceiling fan on a stool. Yes, yes.

Well, you know, I'm broadcasting from the mr skin podcast studio there you go and there is a playlist on the mr skin site called gilbert nudity did you know that i am so honored it's in jim's new book i am so honored and okay there was the movie Private School. Sure, for girls, yes. Yeah, Phoebe Cates, Betsy Russell, Matthew Modine. Michael Zurek. Yes, yes, yes. You guys need to know your own podcast. Ray Walston. Ray Walston, yes.

And it was a great jerk-off film, with the exception, I thought they screwed up the ending so much. Because it was all the girls flashing their asses toward the camera. Yeah. And they were just doing, like, you know, half-ass crack. It was literally a half-assed moon shot, yeah. Yeah, and I thought this could have been, like, the greatest part of an Orson Welles film if they had done it right. But it's like they lower it, so it's kind of like that fashion where you see some crack.

Yeah, a little butt cleavage, yeah. I'm with you. It's infuriating. Yeah, I hated when they did that. I'm sorry, Gilbert. I want them to come back. Even though they're in their 70s. He's very angry.

Kathleen Wilhite is among them. Oh, my God, yes. Kathleen Wilhite is in Murphy's Law with Charles Bronson. And I always loved the description on the TV. the description on the TV. It says, police detective wrongly accused of crime goes

on the lam with a rude curl. Mike, tell us something. This was interesting in the book. How did good movies like American Graffiti and Animal House open a door to these kind of pictures? Well, okay. So the book is basically that the period of time it covers, culturally speaking, American Graffiti in 1973 and Days and Confused in 1993.

So American Graffiti got it started because it was a huge huge international blockbuster so as a result then every like you know sexploitation sleazy b-movie company said uh nostalgia is hot teenagers are hot we'll add boobs and we'll make a you know a killing and that led to all the cheerleader movies in the 70s and stuff, which were always set in some vague 50s pseudo haze where there'd be a guy with a big blow-dried hair and the girl would have a poodle skirt on or something. It'd be like, hey, let's go to a malt shop. And then Animal House is just a work of genius. And also, what's interesting is that both those movies are set in 1962. Yeah, interesting. Which is the cultural moment before the Kennedy assassination and the Beatles.

What about a movie like Private Lessons? That comes up a lot in the book. Do you also see that as a sort of a gateway movie? Well, that was Private Lessons is the film. Sylvia Christel. Sylvia Christel, and she is the French tutor that gets hired to move into this rich kid's house to tutor him in French. And they fall in love and have an affair. And it was a huge hit.

It was dollar for dollar the most profitable film of 1981. Amazing. And it was produced by Jack Barry. Jack Barry, the game show guy yes wow did you know that gil that's pretty cool yes they use their joker's wild profits to finance uh private lessons and that uh and interestingly so the weird thing about that movie is that it's based on a novel called philly which i always thought was bizarre on the poster. It says Philly by Dan Greenberg, which is a kidnapping thriller, borders on horror,

and it's the same plot, but they just wackied it up, and they added Howard Hessman as the sleazy limo driver who concocts this kidnapping and extortion. Interesting. And I remember, this is just getting back to private school for a second, which was a great jerk-off film, but by no stretch a great film.

And one review was one sentence. The critics said, Matthew Modine once starred in a Stanley Kubrick film. Once starred in a Stanley Kubrick film. That's how far he had fallen from private school. Wow. A little trivia on private school. It's technically a sequel to Private Lessons. In no way related, but Private Lessons made so much money, they hired dan greenberg to write a sequel for some reason it took him two years to write the private school screen he was probably fighting

himself at every turn it was very complex and sylvia crystal who plays the sex ed teacher in private school was contractually obligated to appear in any sequels so that's why she's in she does her little unhappy cameo so so hollywood being hollywood i mean these movies were profitable not just the good ones like risky business and and and fast times but stuff like porky's joysticks private lessons even hot dog the movie yes which i'll be presenting here in chicago in a never before seen uncut version with more nudity, Gilbert. Oh, excellent.

More Shannon Tweed nudity. Now, then there was the movie that, believe it or not, is a ripoff of Private School. And that was a movie called Sorority Boys. Yeah, well, that was years later. years later yeah yeah it's essentially a remake of private yes yeah minus you know ray walston so what's the point yeah what about one of gilbert's favorites which i was surprised to find in the book uh lords of flatbush oh yes well i had to include that because it's it's a direct American graffiti ripoff. Yep, sure is. And I'm from Flatbush.

Right, right, right. And I know. Go ahead. I was just going to say, interesting music in that film too, Gilbert. Hey, hey. Oh, don't encourage it. USA looks like it's going to be a very fine day. My girl is with me today. Looks like some real fine things

are coming my way. Hey, hey. Yeah, Henry Winkler, Sylvester Stallone. Perry King. Perry King. And another guy. What do you consider to,

what makes something eligible for inclusion in the book? What are the components? It was basically, I thought of it in terms of marketing. The idea was that these were party hardy movies. So they were made about teenagers for teenagers. And they had to be comedies. And the message, the selling point was, hey kids, there's a wild party here up on the screen.

All you have to do is buy a ticket and you're invited. And there was a time period when there was like generous nudity in movies and that was the time period when Blame It on Rio came out. Blame It on Rio. Let. Blame It on Rio. Talk about that one. Stanley Donnan film. We just lost Stanley Donnan.

Yes. And what was her name again, that girl? Michelle Johnson. She was great. I'm sure we can find her. There was that, and another movie with generous nudity, Summer Lovers. Yes, not a comedy, so not in the book.

Not a comedy. Yeah, the one with Peter Gallagher? Yeah, Peter Gallagher and Daryl Hannah and Patricia Charbonneau. You are good. Who I heard died at a young age. Yeah, shortly after that in a car accident. That's sad. That really makes it difficult when I jerk off. Yeah, shortly after that in a car accident. That's sad. Yeah. That's sad. That really makes it difficult

when I jerk off. Oh, now! By the way, the things I learned in reading the book, Mike, I did not know there was a Zapped 2. Yes!

Oh, Zapped again. Zapped again. And you know who's in Zapped 2? Much to her dismay. Please tell me. Linda Larkin, who plays the princess in Aladdin. There you go.

Although she didn't have to do any nudity or anything. Willie Ames is born again now? Did that happen? He became like a Bible superhero? He does a superhero bible man right right right let's talk about some of the other ones that i pulled out of the book randomly because these are movies that we've alluded to on the show before uh the movie class with jackie with jacqueline beset andrew mccarthy and rob lowe or uh are pretty boarding school kids here in Chicago.

Yep. And Rob Lowe's mom is Jacqueline Bizette, and she has an affair with Andrew McCarthy. Yeah. And you consider that one, and it was interesting, as I was reading the reviews, I thought, well, which ones does he consider to be successful films? That was among them. Yeah. No, it's a good movie. Yeah.

Well done. And the debut of virginia mattson nudity gilbert oh my god that's right and i gotta say zap two makes zap one look like citizen zapped again yeah okay it is and in that movie none of the actresses are known, and they have body doubles. That's true. That's true. There's a split pants scene that's a body double. Yeah.

They have these girls with the most obvious body doubles, and yet no one knows who the fuck these girls are. Here's another one. What is Gorp? Because I was not familiar with Gorp. Gorp is a terrible film michael lembeck it's actually the last american international pictures release that's why i picked it it was the last arcoff movie yeah the last arcoff movie uh it's a summer camp film um just just awful dennis quaid is in it uh michael lembeck yeah, Lembeck, son of Harvey Lembeck.

Yep, son of Eric Von Zipper. That's right. And does not capture the spirit of the Eric Von Zipper films, which really are the most direct inspiration for the 80s. The Beach Blanket movies. And there's a movie, you'll know the title, and it's got a talented cast. It blows to high heaven.

It sucks. It fucking sucks. But it's got Johnny Depp, Rob Morrow. Private resort. Yes. And Hector Elizano. Yeah. Who's very funny in the movie.

Yeah, the three of them are as talented as you could get, but oh, man, does that suck. Hector Elizondo would be a good guest for this show. Oh, he would. He'd be great. Here's one we've talked about. We may have even talked about it with you on a previous episode, and I hesitate to call it Mad Magazine's Up the Academy, because Mad Magazine had their name removed. With Ron Liebman.

With former podcast guest Ron Liebman. Right, who talked about it and was great. He did. Yeah, I mean, an interesting film. You know, it definitely is a cult favorite and people love it. Why? Largely from USA Up All Night. It was infuriating to me as a kid because it was rated R.

I was 11 years old when it came out, obsessed with Mad Magazine and not allowed to see it. And it's rated R for no reason. No. No noon, did he? It was rated R because Animal House was rated R, and it was Warner Brothers' attempt to recreate the success of Animal House by slapping the Mad Magazine Presents on an existing Robert Downey Sr. film. And they had, I think there was a whole thing that had to be cut out of the film. They had a statue of Alfred E. Newman. You bet.

It was in William Gaines' office. Yes. It's still in the Mad offices now in Los Angeles. It's in the Mad offices. They moved the statue. But Gaines took a coin and scratched off the inscription on the statue where it said, Mad Magazine presents up the academy he scratched off the p so that it said mad magazine resents up the academy and that was

the great uh two-page parody that they did was mad magazine resents yes throw up the academy yes and it's when you would go into the mad offices there the statue would greet you now there's a movie that basically kind of like uh plays like uh just your average teen comedy but ends really sad and i think that's greatest american verge and the last american virgin right i'm gonna make that i should have called the book, Greatest American Virgins. I'm going to star in that one. No, Last American Virgin. Is that the title? That's it. The Last American Virgin.

It's just a wacky, it's kind of an uptight guy looking for love. His studly friend and the big fat party animal buddy trying to run around and get laid. Ends with a bloody abortion. Yes. Followed by the most horrifying kick in the balls betrayal of the leading lady against the hero. It ends with him chillingly getting in a car, putting on the radio, and just once comes on by Jeffrey. Yes.

Yes. And he drives and he's crying and as as he's crying and driving the credits just start to roll over his face and that's the end of the movie it is so strange because it's most of the movie is your tna yeah teenage sex comedy yeah and then it ends like that and it's's like, oh my God, I want to kill myself now. You know, it's a remake of an Israeli film. Of course it is.

Called Lemon Popsicle. Oh, Lemon Popsicle's in the book. So Lemon Popsicle was a major worldwide phenomenon. That's Gilbert's porn name. It's an American graffiti ripoff. It's American Graffiti Ripoff. It's the same plot. It's three pals in Tel Aviv in the 50s. Non-stop end-to-end pop hits playing.

It was a major blockbuster everywhere in the world except the United States. It didn't translate. The two biggest markets for it were Germany and Japan. Amazing. This is a and Japan. Amazing. This is a Jewish film. Amazing. I'll tell you one in the book that has a sad ending that's a good film is Heaven Help Us. Yeah, very good movie.

Andrew McCarthy picture. Yeah, very good. Worth seeing. And I tell a little anecdote in that movie, in that review, where I got to see an advanced screening of a terrible film called Playing for Keeps. And there was a fat guy behind me, and I was like 15, 16 at the time, and he was going on about how funny

and how good Heaven Help Us was. And I turned around and kind of gave him a thumbs up, and he gave me one back. It was Harvey Weinstein. Oy! Oh! All you got was the thumb. Oh, geez.

Consider yourself lucky. Yes. Yeah. He had directed the Playing for Keeps film that I had just watched. Yeah. Or was about to watch. By the way, how many of these did you actually, did you watch? Did you sit down?

Oh, I watched. You and the lovely Rachel? Yeah. You watched every one of them. How many did Dick Miller turn up in? Well, Rock and Roll High School. Dick Miller is. A good number of them. Yeah, no, he's in in? Well, Rock and Roll High School. Dick Miller is- A good number of them.

Yeah, no, he's in a few. He's in one with a genie. Yeah, no, I'm trying to picture. Yeah, it blurs together at some point. Yeah, our friend Dick Miller. And it's like all of those films had a formula. They always had to have the fat party animal. Right, big fat party animal, nerd, cheerleader, jock.

Yeah. Fascistic authority figure, usually a principal. Yes. Right. Big fat party animal. Nerd. Cheerleader. Jock. Yeah. Fascistic authority figure. Usually a principal. Yes. Yeah. The Paul Gleeson type. Yeah. Yeah.

And there was a movie that was shown on Up All Night that ain't no terrible, of course. And somewhere late in the movie, a guy finds a book on how to pick up women, and he reads it and becomes an expert. I was wondering if you know that one. That is not a teen movie. No? No. I can't think of what it's called. We used to have the poster at Mr. Skinford.

It's called The Sorrow and the Pity. Yeah. Not a teen film the poster was the guy like in a car with the book called how to pick up women yeah wow you gotta do some research but he was a young adult yeah that was an adult film yeah yeah he was well these are adults who are brain damaged obviously i was going through the book for titles, and you're right. Some of these could be easily passed for porn titles. The Pom Pom Girls, Hollywood Hot Tubs, Hot T-Shirts, Lunch Wagon. Give Me an F.

I remember that one. I think I rented these in the 90s. Give Me an F is the most infuriating film in the book because that is the greatest teen sex comedy title of all time yeah it's set at a cheerleader camp it's rated r and it has no nudity and they squandered it gilbert by the way how did you miss being in some of these yeah i i don't know and we used to show those trauma films all the time the I hate trauma. The trauma films. Fuck trauma. Fuck trauma. Oh, tell us before we get off the topic altogether why you hate Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Oh, because he's an obnoxious prick and just this entitled, smug, suburban shitheel from the word goat who talks down to everybody, manipulates everybody, walks around like he owns the goddamn place. Everybody acts like he does. And then society responded by saying, yeah, that's cool.

Thank you. So I hated it. So I got to tell you, I was 17 when that came out. I was a punk rocker. I was listening to the Butthole Surfers and the Circle Jerks. I worshipped Gilbert and Saminnison and howard stern but and i finally watching that film i was like okay now i understand what it is to feel offended i was offended yes you've never been offended i never that movie makes me angry furious i feel like no this guy's a fucking asshole he's he somebody should uh cut his throat open that's a little severe and and i and in all fairness i i like matthew broderick i think he's a good actor we had him here he's a

very nice person that's a solid but that movie was i fucking hated i have to say though john hughes was shrewd you point out in the book that he changed the playing field. He did. He gentrified the neighborhood, essentially. Yeah, tell us how. 16 Candles was rated PG-13, so that was the first thing. It had a very strong female

heroine in Molly Ringwald, which expanded the audience. But it really, as I said, it gentrified the neighborhood it turned uh what was a wild sideshow laden midway of of unspeakable horrors and delights into disneyland right and so and then it just ran out of gas and yet i suppose those play better in the me too era uh except for 16 candles and revenge of the nerd so the book was supposed to come out a year before it did and that's when the harvey goddamn weinstein scandal hit uh-huh

and uh the me too revolution took place and i said i can't as a 50 year old married man i can't say hey remember those movies we watched about all those cool dudes drinking over the girls in the shower? And in Revenge of the Nerds, there's a scene where he pretends to be the girl's boyfriend. He puts on a mask and has sex. And you're going, well, isn't that kind of rape? Kind of, yeah. on well isn't that kind of rape oh kind of yeah and then afterwards she says uh well now i know she has this great revelation where she says so nerds are really great at sex because that's all

they think about whereas jocks are really bad at sex because all they think about is sports and i i shit you not gilbert and frank asyear-old, I lost my virginity to a cheerleader who wanted to test that theory. Oh, my God. We're breaking news. And was she as highly disappointed as I suspected? Infinitely more, as I suspected. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning.

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Please play responsibly. Tell us a couple of things about some of these genres. Well, I guess it's a mixed genre, really, because there's a couple of pictures in the book that have a horror element to them. Like Teen Wolf, like our friend Larry Cohen's Full Moon High. Or Once Bitten. Yeah, Once Bitten. Boy, that is a funny movie. Yeah, it's pretty funny.

Yeah, Once Bitten. it was yeah once bitten boy that is a funny movie yeah it's pretty funny yeah once bitten and so there are horror comedies of the 80s of course that are very popular but those i thought of really were teen comedies first horror film second so that's why they made it in there right and then there's stuff like student bodies which is amazing it's a parody of a slasher movie it's a parody of a slash movie written by mickey Barnes? It's a parody of a slasher movie written by Mickey Rose, who co-wrote Annie Hall. Yeah, sure. Directed by Michael Ritchie, who then took his name off it.

Wow. But it is hilarious. And the great Jerry Belson was involved in that in some capacity. Yeah. I mean, it is hilarious. And that's really good.

And there's another movie that it starred a playmate i forget which playmate it was but it may and it was and also promised a lot could have been great terrible and that was hot no no hot is amazing, Gilbert. Yeah? Yes. Hot has a bunch of Playboy actresses in it. Yeah. From 1979. Okay. It has an incredible... So, what you complained

about with the mooning scene at the end of Private School, Hot does so right with a strip football game. Oh! Where both the rival sororities play strip football. They have to take their clothes off And the camera It's a one of a kind shot in the history of cinema

This is like beyond Laszlo Kovacs Yes As the girls are topless Are huddling The camera is placed beneath them So that their faces and their boobs Are hanging down into our faces Through the camera.

I will have to revisit this. Gilbert, you must reevaluate hots. Yes. I feel like Robin Osborn. Yeah. Starring podcast guest Danny Bonaduce. There you go. Oh, my God.

Yes. As a cool guy with long hair and he plays the guitar i went through the book and it's it's filthy with our podcast guests i mean paul sand and john astin are in teen wolf 2 yes stewart margolin turns up in uh in class uh they're all over the place tim matheson's in in uh what was that summer camp the one he's an animal house up the creek no the one before animal house so No, he's in Animal House up the creek. No, the one before Animal House, the one he made in 78. Oh, Almost Summer.

Almost Summer. And have you ever done a count of how many of them had games in the title, like ski, tennis, baseball? I will now. No, I haven't. And so many of them had some kind of sport yeah in the title well that would have locker rooms so that would oh absolutely i like the ones that are just shameless ripoffs that don't even try like fraternity vacation yeah and hot and my favorite

hot times at montclair high oh yeah there isn't there isn't even any pretense. So Fraternity Vacation stars Stephen Jeffries. Oh, yeah. From Fright Night. Fright Night. He was Evil Ed in Fright Night. He was the chronic masturbator in Heaven Help Us. And he was Wendell Tevett, the nerd in Fraternity Vacation. Very good.

Opposite Tim Robbins as Larry Mother Tucker. Tim Robbins as Larry Mother Tucker. Tim Robbins. But do you know what Stephen Jeffries' second career was? I'm stumped. He was a power bottom in gay porn throughout the 90s. Oh, no. Wow. Oh, no.

And this is true. He now tours the autograph circuit. Oh, I'm going to hang myself with my belt. There's a movie where he does that oh and one more thing getting back to private school there's a scene where phoebe kate's i guess was already trying to fight the nudity thing in her movies right so there's one scene she's having sex with a guy on the beach and it is so obvious there's a a large piece of masking tape over her breast that's right yeah do you know phoebe kates new debut gilbert uh was was that uh uh parrot not paradise paradise with willie ames and do Was that Paradise? Paradise.

With Willie Ames. And do you know what country that film came from? Oh, let's see. Israel? Israel. It did. I was right. Yes.

I was right. That is an Israeli. All right for the Jews. It's a Blue Lagoon knockoff, right? And I remember in that, and Phoebe looked great in there. Yeah. She's under like the waterfall. You remember it perfectly. And I also remember she sang the theme song.

She sings the private school theme song, too. Oh, yeah. And for Paradise, it's when i'm with you it's paradise no place on earth can be so nice beneath the crystal waterfall i hear you call wow you're gonna have that composer on? Yeah! I'm dialing him up now. Dara left. Dara jumped.

Dara's climbing out the window. Eight floors up. Shimmying down the train pipe. Somebody actually thought, well, let's rip off the Blue Lagoon and make a film that's not even as good as the Blue Lagoon. Which is, I want to ask about Rachel, your lovely wife. Rachel did two reviews for the book. She did, yes. Yeah, Foxes.

Perfect writer. Foxes and Little Darlings, yeah. Yeah, two movies I kind of like, I have to say. Foxes is a really good film. It's good, it's smart. Yeah, Adrian Lyne. Smart, serious, a great snapshot of sort of wayward youth in L.A. Yeah, Adrian Lyne. Smart, serious. Yeah. A great snapshot of sort of wayward youth in LA in 1980.

Little Darlings, I'd like to, people ask me, you know, could any of these movies be made today? The short answer is no. You can't make

Little Darlings. The long answer is fuck no. Little Darlings stars Christy McNichol and Tatum O'Neill as summer campers who have a contest to see who can lose her virginity first.

Yep. That is on the poster. It says, the bet is on. Whoever loses her virginity first wins. Yeah. The characters they are playing are 14 years old. Oh. Yeah.

Oh, boy. But even as tawdry as all of that is, it's pretty competently made. No, it's a good movie. With good performances. Yeah, and there's something to it. Yeah, it has some substance. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's a slew of good movies in the book. I mean, Risky Business we talked about. Risky Business is amazing. Fast Times You Love. Did you get to talk to Amy Heckerling? When she was up there. I was at the podcast. Yeah, it was great.

Yeah, Flamingo Kid's a good movie. Certainly Gregory's Girl, My Bodyguard. Yeah. All these, yeah, you're hitting the quality there. Heathers. Yeah. I mean, it's interesting because the genre was pliable enough that you could run the gamut from give me an F to something like heathers yeah yeah yeah it was it was kind of

it was that durable it was that moment yeah when you want when you sat down to watch them were there two two uh two sides of the same coin uh this this question were were there any that you were pleasantly surprised by it just going into it thinking this is going to be a horror show and oh my gosh it's pretty good well i had uh actually seen almost all of them in the past but you had i was pleasantly surprised by say anything because i remember like not loving it and then being annoyed for 30 years by the iconography of john cusack with the boombox right the boombox but it's a verybox. But it's a very good film. You know, a really good teenage romance film with great performances and acting.

And so that was a pleasant surprise. And on one page here, you have just four of the movies with the title, with the word hot. with the word hot. Hot pursuit. Hot moves. Hot chili. Hot splash.

If you turn the page, hot resort comes next. There's about eight more. I had no idea until I read the book. There were like eight meatballs movies. Oh, there are four meatballs movies. Four meatballs. Not connected. Right. Except for one and three.

Okay. And three stars, Patrick Dempsey and sally kellerman he plays the grown-up rudy the rabbit the rudy the rabbit the winner who is chris make peace in the original who is a complete loser sally kellerman is a porn star who dies of course she is and she's gonna go to hell but she has one last chance that's a this was a us up we always say up all night to go to hell, but she has one last chance. Oh, I remember that. This was a USA Opal Night classic. Yeah. She has to get him laid. Oh, and on the next page, there's hot t-shirts.

A Chuck Vincent film sitting west chest. Is there hot kugel? Hot kugel. That's from Israel. Also from Israel. Google. That's from Israel. Also from Israel.

There's a movie, and in the poster, it's girls holding those sticks to operate a video game. They had their fingers wrapped around it, and it's called Joysticks. Oh, Joysticks. Yeah. Those sticks. Talk about that one. Now, did this have anything to do with, say, a girl wrapping her hand around the guy's penis? Not at all. You're making a leap there.

Joysticks is hilarious. Joysticks is a very funny movie. Conversely, that was a two-part question. Was there anything that you thought, oh, this film has a good reputation, I'll be safe here, and you were completely disappointed? No, that was the crazy thing. I didn't see anything that I didn't like. Interesting. I mean, I did.

I saw some terrible movies. Yeah, there are hot times at Montclair High. It's god awful. Hot times at Montclair High. There's another terrible film called Getting Wasted with Dennis Quaid, David Caruso, and Stephen First. It's like a military academy comedy. terrible film called getting wasted with dennis quaid david caruso and steven first i it's it's like a military academy comedy and i say i i hope every character in that movie got killed in vietnam

okay so that's in the 60s so that that one would qualify yeah getting wasted yeah now how many movies had the word balls and hot balls okay you got hot balls never happened unfortunately Now we can do it We can finally make the Gilbert Godfrey entry You have meatballs You have odd balls You have screwballs, beach balls, fireballs I think that's the balls

And these were all Made in Tel Aviv Many of them were made. They're all Golden Globus. Golden Globus is who made Lemon Popsicle. Of course they did. And then remade it as The Last American Version with the same director, Boaz Davidson. Hilarious.

You mentioned Sally Kellerman and Dennis Quaid. And another thing that struck me is how many good actors, how many respected actors turn up in these things. I found Slim Pickens, Diane Ladd, who we had here. Yes. Karen Black, Christopher Lee, Ruth Gordon, Robert Morley. These are all. Robert Morley. Robert Morley, for Christ's sakes.

Yeah. These are all. Slim Pickens, we want to say, appears in the film Pink Motel, which is dreadful. He sure does. He plays the owner of the Pink Motel with Phyllis Diller. Oh, my God. That is dreadful.

That strikes you. I mean, it's like, yes, you understand Tim Robbins, a young actor who's not really accomplished anything, or George Clooney turns up in a couple of these things. You understand young actors trying to get a job, but what's sad is to see christopher lee and and and sally kellerman and and sad i don't know diane a chuckle what's great though is in the you know the amazing colossal universe you have uh rose marie who is in lunch wagon yes she is she is in lunch wagon joey ross is in Lunchwagon. Yes, she is. She is in Lunchwagon.

Joey Ross is in both Slumber Party 57 with a young Debra Winger. Okay, Gil. That's for you. And in Gas Pump Girls, where he co-stars with Hunts Hall, who owns the gas station. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a movie. I don't know if it's like Bikini Something. There's a few of those. Yeah. And there's a movie. I don't know if it's like Bikini Something.

There's a few of those. Yeah. There must be about a thousand of those with bikini in the title. And it had Frank Nelson. Oh, yes. It's you again. I think that's the original Bikini Car Wash. I think he's in that.

Yeah. I think that's the one. Or it's the I think he's in that. Yeah. I think that's the one. Or it's the Malibu Bikini Shop. Yeah. Amazing. And thank you for putting Ron Friedman, our friend Ron Friedman's record city in the book. Oh, yes. With Frank Gorshin.

Shot on video. Yes. Frank Gorshin is also in the movie Hot Resort, and he gets a special credit at the beginning. And also starring Mr. Frank Gorshin. credit at the beginning it says and also starring mr frank we're gonna plug the book here uh mike it's it's a lot of fun by the way it's got a uh there's a little blurb on the back from somebody named gilbert gottfried oh yes as well as our pals alan arkin and uh pat and oswalt how about that yeah and eddie deason wrote a chapter. Eddie Deason wrote a chapter. Oh, former podcast guest, Eddie Deason.

You have some wonderful contributors in there, including Rachel, obviously. Where can people get it? Amazon is a great place to get it. It's 19 bucks and you can have it tomorrow. But if you get it from my publisher, Brazilian Points, you also get a demerit badge, which is a little sort of Boy Scout patch that's a pair of tighty-whities and it says, I ejected from teen movie hell. Gilbert, you can't resist that. This is the blurb I wrote. This book is good for people who like teen movies and gratuitous nudity.

I am those people, Gilbert Gottfried. Thank you, Gilbert. Well put. Yeah, and I'd like to think we helped a little bit. At least we helped you with Eddie and Amy. Tremendously. And Arkush, right? Yeah.

This is amazing. The least we could do. And let's plug your other book, too, which is still available, Heavy Metal Movies, which is invaluable. Thanks, yeah. You must get it same same deal a bazillion points is the publisher Amazon is the evil corporate Overlord that delivers books tomorrow and uh can we bill you now as we sign off as Mr Mike McPadden please yes and also Mr. Mike McBirdo Special guest villain

Yeah Mike McBirdo He was Mr. Frank Ocean Because he's the only one who worked before that By the way, Night of the Comet and Real Genius Also two good ones Great movies Especially Real Genius is a real good show.

Written by Pat Proft, who we're going to try to get on the podcast. Wonderful guest. A funny guy. Great book. Congratulations on finishing it. Thank you so much. I know all your projects are a labor of love, and we want to thank you for all you do for the show on Facebook.

Thank you for doing the show. Which is a lot. Thanks for having me. We hope we get to see you soon here, pal. Yep, I'll be in New York showing The Last American Virgin at the Alamo Brooklyn on August 18th. Fantastic.

Well, we'll have this up well before that. Alright, Gil. And we have been talking to Mike McBeardo McPadden. And the book is Teen Movie Hell. Teen Movie Hell. Mike, we love you. Thanks for being patient. Thank you, Frank.

We'll push the book hard. Thank you so much. Oh, that could be the title of the teen movie. Pushing the book hard. Balls. Dot, dot, dot, balls. And spread pages. Talk to you soon, pal.

Thanks a lot. Take care, guys. Thank you. in love to faith, finding now too late that they've lost it. Never letting go, they will never know the ways of love. Got to believe in magic, tell me how two people find each other In a world that's full of strangers You've got to believe in magic Something stronger than the moon above

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