Girl on Guy with Aisha Tyler - girl on guy 207: comedian wayne federman

Episode Date: December 14, 2015

join comedian and writer wayne federman and aisha as they pick through the interior life of a comedian. it's not pretty. but there is basketball. plus wayne and aisha share a coke and a very awkward smile. girl on guy would like to teach the world to sing. right after a long nap.

This episode is brought to you in part by Mandis. Now, it's the holidays, and you're looking for something to buy for other people, and you're looking for something to buy for yourself. And you're running around and you're freaking out, and probably you're uncomfortable. Well, it could be the stress of the holidays, or it could be your underwear. Underwear needs to be comfortable. It needs to be comfortable. It needs to be comfortable. You don't just want comfortable underwear. You want the world's most comfortable underwear. And my friend, that underwear is Me Undies. Every pair of MeUndies is made of micromodal fabric, which doesn't sound very sexy, but once you feel meandis, you'll never go back to wearing your regular old underwear ever again, because with meandis, you feel more comfortable than you ever have before in places on your body that need to feel comfy. Meandis has a ton of different colors to choose from, and is the only place to find styles for both men and women, and a new signature design every single month. They also just launched a brand new boxer line, which is like wearing nothing at all, only better because your bum is separated from the rest of your clothing. And with the holidays right around the corner, Miandis makes the perfect gift. These are not your parent stocking stuff.

So check out meandies.com slash Aisha to get 20% off your first order, plus all orders in the U.S. and Canada always ship for free. Miandis even has a money-back guarantee. So if you don't love your first pair, you get to keep it and you get a full refund. You have nothing to lose, literally. Order before December 13th and your underpants will arrive in time for Christmas. Christmas cheer spread about your nether regions. For 20% off, your first order of the world's most comfortable underwear, head to meundies.com slash ayesha right now. That's meundies.com slash Aisha.

Check it out. This is Girl on Guy. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Girl on Guy 207. Welcome to the show. The end of the year is fast approaching. I want there to be news that I can impart to you about what's happening, what's coming in 2016. The truth of the matter is, for the most part, I don't know.

Nobody knows. And so I entreat you to be optimistic. because the future is unknown. So as many bad things that's going happen, good things can happen. It is literally an unwritten book. And I also entreat you to enjoy these last few weeks of this year and celebrate that you have lived these many years and that you have completed this one

because it's always a cause to celebrate being alive and above ground on this planet. I've been super busy, and you know, you can watch me every day on the talk. You can only watch me every Wednesday at 9 o'clock on Criminal Minds. You know that we'll be starting season 7 of Archer, we'll be airing starting January 2016, and we'll be starting to make season four of whose eyes anyway also in January 2016. So those things are coming, as is the awesome listener question show, which will happen at the end of this month. So if you have a question or a comment or anything you'd like to impart to me or to the Girl and Guy Army,

send me a letter by going to Girl and Guy.net and clicking on the envelope and saying hi. Another thing that's going to happen in 2016 is the launch of courage and stone, which I've been working on feverishly, feverishly, watching a booze company's hard work. It's been going great. And I don't even want to say slower than I thought, exactly at the pace that I thought. It's a complex thing to do, but it's going wonderfully, and we will be launching in end of Q1, beginning of Q2, next year, so mid-spring. So just stay tuned for more news about that, because it's,

is coming and I'm really excited about it. It will be bespoke, high-end, ready to drink cocktails, brought home. You read about these places, these fancy places where there's bartenders and they've got funny mustaches and they wear braces, which is just a fancy word for suspenders, and they've got ironic facial hair and ironic shirts and they look like they came out of the 20s. Fuck those guys. Well, some of them are my friends, but fuck them anyway. You're going to be able to have the same experience, same quality of cocktail in your own home

just by opening a bottle and pouring it over ice. That is the essence of the Curgeon Stone brand and it's something that. I want to give to you. I love cocktails. I talk about them all the time. And I thought, man, there are a lot of people never going to get to have these experiences that I have because they're working hard and they're raising family and they're grinding and out. Maybe they want to have a nice drink on a Wednesday. Then I want to go to some fancy bar in New York City. And that is why I created Curgeon Stone. So that is what we are working very hard on. There will be lots more news starting in 2016. But I want you to know what is coming and you can find out

more by following me on the various social platforms that I am engaged on Curgeon and Stone's behalf, Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr. So I'm not posting as frequently as I'd like. That's because I'm slammed, but as the launch approaches, I will be much more active on those platforms. But come on and follow me now and say hello. I'd love to hear from you. This episode of Girl and Guy is with the comedian, Wayne Federman. He is so interesting. He's a long and very career in comedy, but what's really, well, there's lots of interesting things about him. He's got a brand new comedy album out right now, which is very exciting. But also, he's written and acted on lots of different shows, including X-Files, Larry Sanders, Caribbean enthusiasm, community, legally blonde,

51states, 40-year-old virgin, stepbrothers. But he was the head monologue writer for late-night with Jimmy Fallon in its launch season, which was, I think, by all accounts, a very successful launch season for a late-night show. So he was instrumental in launching the juggernaut that is late-night with Jimmy Fallon. And, you know, with very big shoes to fill on that show, it's turned out to be a massive hit. And I think he had a lot to do with that. He's a really interesting guy. He's lovely. He's funny. We have a really wide-ranging conversation. It's a lot deeper than I think I expected. I don't know why. I wasn't saying I thought it was going to be shallow. I didn't know him at all. What we worked together as writers, but our interaction, I've been limited. He's a very deep guy.

And that was a delight to discover. And this conversation is thoughtful and interesting and funny. And he is thoughtful and interesting and funny. And that was a joy to discover and even more of a joy to experience. And so it's coming. It's coming at you right now. His new three-cdbue comedy album is called The Chronicles of Fetterman. Three decades of stand-up comedy from a legend you may, I think implied, and that is may or may not have heard of. But that doesn't, no matter because he's done so much that if you have not heard of him prior,

you will be delighted by him post. He's a lovely guy, and he's coming at you right now. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Girl on Guy 207 with the comedian and writer, Mr. Wayne Federman, coming at you out of the winter light-tinted Girl on Guy Bunker and right into your face. All right. Wayne, you've just found me at my least combative,

my least combulated, my least combulated that I've ever been probably. Your least combobulated. I feel like you are combobulated. I feel so unconvied. I feel discombobulated. Yes. I feel discombobulated. So someone wants to be combobulated is the ideal place to be. Yes. One would like to be fully bobbulated, which I guess is combobulated. I am discombobulated. What is the difference between bobbulated and combobulated?

I think combulated is like fully bollulated. Fully bollulated. Okay. And right now? I am not fully bobbed. I'm not even partially bobulated. Well, this is pretty, can we say what time this is? Is that? It's, yeah, it's 1019 and the more. It's 1019. On a Saturday morning. On a Saturday.

I don't have my shit together today. I typically do. You usually would be up at this time. I usually would be up at about four hours ago. I usually get up around six. So today I... Because you're a farmer. Because I'm a farmer and I get up with the sun.

The cows have to be milked and the pigs have to be slops. Because you have four kids. Because I have no, I have no kids. You're not a farmer. I just spit. I just spit. That's okay. You're human.

I know. I know. This is early for me. Is this early for you? I'm impressed. See, I'm impressed with you, and I'm deeply unimpressed with me. It's just bizarre. I really don't know any comedian that gets up unless they have kids.

Right. They're running a farm. Or they're a terrible cocaine habit, and they've got to get out. Right. Or they're up. Out in the streets. They're still up. Yes, they've been running those streets.

How many hours at night do you need to sleep? I need to sleep eight hours, but I typically only sleep, I would say like maybe six. What would be your dream night's sleep? How many hours? Just like if you just sort of like, this is. If I'm on holiday, right? That's when you can figure out when you're, I say it like I'm a European. But when I'm on a vacation, yeah, I don't know why.

I don't know. On holiday sounds fancier, though, doesn't it? On vacation, a couple days off. On holiday, I'm in Ibiza. Right. Not even on a holiday. No, just on holiday. This seems much more cool.

It's a now. And I go to sleep and I don't set an alarm. I will sleep exactly eight hours. Oh, that's your, that's just how my body gets down. That is my dream as a person is to wake up. without any electronic. Have you ever done that? Of course.

Most of my life is like that. Really? I would say the majority of my life is I wake up when Wayne's body, as if it's a different person than I am. Yes. His body comes to the door and gently rouses you. And it's literally, it's very soft. It's like, Wayne, Wayne.

Time to wake up, buddy. Sees the day. Carpe per diem. So that is. It's like that every day? No, not every day. Not every day. But certainly not today.

Not today at all. No, today was a harsh rude awakening. But like, for example, today I would probably get up around 10.30. And I'm playing basketball later. Just if you want to know about my life. I do. I'm curious. This is biographical, right? This show is about you and your life. So this is, I'm wearing shorts. This is my basketball shoes. Those are terrible basketball shoes. Already with the judgment. I'm very judgmental. I'm not only my not populated, but I'm full of judgment.

This early in the morning. morning with, oozing judgment. Just comes right out. That's great. That's great. So tell me what's wrong with my basketball shoes. They're cool shoes, right? They're converse, you know, all stars, the low tops. So they're cool to look at.

However. However, I worry about the arch support and the cushioning of those shoes. A lot of people do. A lot of people do. And I worry about the, there's no ankle support. I don't know. Wayne, you and I are around the same age, and I'm just concerned for your general leg health. I think I'm a little.

I think I'm a little. I think I'm a little. Closer than you think we are. And I just, I'm deeply concerned. Let me tell you my favorite part about playing basketball today is, first of all, I mean, I tried, I tried, I tried the Jordans. I tried the AIs. I tried the, they don't feel as comfortable on my feet. Really?

Yeah, I feel like they're too heavy and clumpy. Clumpy, yeah. You're like a Luddite. You need to be, you just. I'm not a Luddite. What are you looking at right here? You do have a cell phone, a very fancy cell phone. It's got a, it's a success.

Oh, you are not a Luddite. That's, I am impressed with you. What is happening now? Now you're opening an aluminum bottle of Coca-Cola that is impossible to prize open. Did you say prize? I said prize. When I'm up early, apparently my brain is, oh, that's the sound. That's the sound of Coca-Cola, one of my favorite products ever.

I notice you have a lot of people don't have this in their fridge. No. Kudos to you. Thank you. Tell me the strategy. Just for my podcast guest. Oh, so you would. wouldn't drink this. I don't drink soda. But I respect everybody's right to do so. Much so much like

being gay. I don't, I don't have to- Wait a minute. What did you say? I don't do it, but I really want you to do it and then tell me about it. Yeah, no, I like, you know what's so funny? Do you ever go into like a hotel and they have this perfectly organized fridge with like everything that you could want to drink? Are you talking about the mini bar you have to pay for? The mini bar. The mini bar you have to pay for. With the key and you go in? Yeah, or if you go to like, sometimes in the nice places, they're free.

We're going to learn a little about you right now. We're going to learn a little about fancy schmassy. Snooty, cunt. Oh, you do have a very vast vocabulary. I know all the words. The good ones and the bad ones. Very European.

But you look in there and it's like so exciting, like the possibilities of what you could have. I agree with that. I wanted to recreate that for my podcast guest. You can have anything that you want. I hate when you go someplace and they're like, we can want, I'm feeling like a Coke.

And I don't drink coffee. I don't actually. You're going to learn all about me. I want to learn all about it. How long does this last? As much time as need. No, you have to have some kind of. You've got four more minutes.

Okay. That seems a little long. That seems a little. I don't know. You might not be able to fill it. I don't know. But I don't, not only don't I drink coffee. Interesting.

I'm listening. Wayne Federman. I'm drinking coffee as I was listening. I'm drinking ice cold Coca-Cola. I don't drink anything hot. let it sink in I'm not I'm not processing it actually

I don't I don't understand Is it the words Is it should I say it's the It's both in word and concept I cannot I don't drink anything I don't drink tea I don't drink hot chocolate

I will have soup Well soup I think of as a food Okay So I could have like soup Like a gumboe soup And a sprite to wash it down Which sounds like a delightful meal actually Thank you

I'd like to have that I'm not trying to engineer having that after this. But you need coffee in the morning. Every day. And what's interesting is, so you reject the whole experience of the hot beverage. I don't like it. I just don't enjoy it. Because I drink to quench my thirst.

I don't drink for comfort. I get comfort from pasta. You know what I mean? I get from pizza. Yeah, from a more comforting things. I drink to fill a deep, empty hole, a vast hole inside of myself that can never be filled. Jesus. No, I don't just love, it's not the caffeine.

Is it the taste? It's the entire experience of like the hot mug and holding it. Yes, it's like the beverage equivalent of a cigarette, right? Like the whole process of it is soothing to me. Of course. I love coffee. Now is there, because when I tried to drink it, I found that there was, because I like to drink. Right.

You like to drink. Yeah, I don't like to sip. Yes. Yes. That there was like a two-minute window. of when it was like warm enough, not too cool, but not too hot where I could actually drink it. And then you just pound the whole cup of coffee in like a minute. I'm an idiot. I don't know what I was doing. It's not for me. It's not for me. You have a zest for

life. I do. You're like, let me get all of it in and then you just realize it wasn't satisfying enough for you. I don't know. I tried it. I tried it. I think I have very adolescent tastes in food. Everything you mentioned was like, except for the gumbo, which I think relatively sophisticated. It was like Sprite pizza, noodles, butter noodles. Butter noodles would be good. Butter noodles would be awesome, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Butter noodles is delicious. So that's it. So I guess I never

developed, there's something called, oh, you'll develop a taste for something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've never done that. I don't think I've ever developed a taste for it. Like, I didn't like Brussels sprouts as a kid. They still taste bad to me. Oh, wow. I didn't like wine as a kid. I don't drink wine. Is there anything that people might a term, like, grown-up food that you have developed to taste for at all? I don't think so. Like, I'm trying to think, maybe, like, I can power through, like, string beans or something.

Yeah, you shouldn't have to power. You shouldn't have to power. Because the one great thing about being an adult is you shouldn't have to power. You only have to power through shit when your kids are you being forced. Yeah, I still have to. Fuck that as an adult, right? If I put enough butter on it and that disguise it. Then it's just butter.

It's like a butter delivery system for your face. Yeah. Might as well eat butter noodles. Right. Right. Right. Right. So I don't think I ever, do you know sushi?

Have you ever heard that? I eat. See, you and I are polar opposites. In every way. Right. You're on the north or on the south pole. Yes. I'm on the north pole.

I'm in the south pole. Yeah, and you're on the south. I'll take that. I actually lived in the south. You're going to learn about that. If we can squeeze it in. We're getting it. Do I sound like it?

No, not even a little bit. Where do you think my world? You need the south of this country or like the south of the globe? No. the south of this. I'm all American. You've never been out of America? I've been out, but I've never lived outside of America. Have you?

Yes, I have. Although, I will say that I think when I say that I'm doing that obnoxious thing people do when they... Right, this whole thing. Yeah, it's very obnoxious. Why are you saying this? Like the thing where you... You know, your fancy hotels. Yes, oh, my pinkies out.

I love Brussels sprouts. I love them. I aggressively pursue them on a menu. No, no powering through. No, no powering to green beans. I savour green beans. I slow chew and I mouthed them. Well.

Just roll them around. Like when someone's been somewhere for like a month and like I lived there, you know. But I stayed anyway in Kenya for three months. Oh. I lived in Ethiopia as a kid for several months. And then I lived in Canada for like a year doing a television series. So, you know, Canada. That's just like over the fence there.

but that's pretty intense. They're much friendlier than we are. Are you friends with anyone from Ethiopia? No. No, because I was so little. So little. The little kid, my parents took me. And I guess I should be friends with the people I lived with in Kenya,

but I went there before the Internet. And so, like, you know what I mean? I was there when there was no way you could write a letter. Oh, God, no. I don't even understand what that means. Like, I'm, you know, if you use your hands, no. There's a thing. You have to put it in an envelope.

It's not just writing it. I sent somebody a package the other day out of the country and it hasn't come to them and I said if it's been two weeks and I said, see, this is what happens when people write letters. Other people never received them. That's what the post

is all about. You're not getting the things that are coming to you and that's why people rejected it for the internet and porn because the real stuff wasn't satisfying. Can I take one quick break? Because there's something in my throat. Oh no, don't die. Yes. This is early. This is early.

Wayne is barely functioning. Barely, his body is still working through. Yeah, this is not good. Yeah, no, it's good. It's going. It's going to be great. All right. Are we ready? This is some, we're going.

This is some raw, like, real shit that's happening right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We had to cough, so we stopped. I had to take a cough break now. In the old days, in the olden days, when I started out. The olden day, I love that phrase, by the way, the olden days. In the olden days, there used to be something called a cough button. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

Oh, yes. In the radio. Yes. So you're old enough to know what that is. I'm old enough to have traveled pre-internet. But I am, I mean, like, so I'm on the cusp of, and I wonder if you find this about yourself, where I lived through an active pre, like I remember,

I remember when the internet was invented. I remember I had a job, and my boss was like, there's this thing called the internet. And, but I am, I, so I remember, you know, riding my bike and doing things with my hands. and, you know, I remember an analog life. But I am so in love with technology. Like, I just, I cannot.

Well, you realize this is the start of the merging. Oh, the Borg? Are we turning into the Borg? Yes, you already are. You think about it. I am. I'm sure. I mean, right now it's external.

I would gleefully become seven of nine. Of course. You have to have to ask me or force me. I'm in. I stick the wires in my ears. Of course, of course. Yeah, but this is the start of it. Just the, even GPS and things like that.

You're just like, people don't even think about. No, no. A map. And this thing where people are crying and railing about, like, privacy. Look, it's not that I don't support. Wait, are they railing? They're railing about. What actually is railing?

Is that yelling? Well, you can, yes, like you can rail against something. I think yelling, ranting, ranting and railing, ranting and raving, raving, railing. I'm always curious about language. I don't think I know how any of these words came. I just like to use them without actually understanding what they mean. Sorry, I won't.

Make myself sound smart. That, like, I support the context. of privacy, really, like, fully, like the concept of it. But I just think it's already over. Like, I don't think, I think we can talk about the merits of privacy, and we can talk about trying to keep the government from getting information about us, but like the... The ship is sale.

It opened, like, 17 years ago. Like, it's too fucking late. Right, right, right. So the only way to have real privacy is to not engage in technology in any way. Ted Kaczynski? Ted Kaczyns. Yes, like live in a cabin. Yes, yeah.

I used to call them Edward, which is actually... He was full into tonight. I'm sure he's a lovely guy. He was so nice. You know what he was great at? What's that? Cribbage. Do you know that game?

Cribege. I don't know. That's an analog fucking game right there. Cribbage player. Made a beautiful bowl of buttered noodles. Is that how you picture me? Oh, God. I really need buttered noodles now.

So do you love technology? Yes. Yes, they do. Yes, I am very much a, what's, if you had to describe me, I would be a rational optimist. Like, I feel like the world is getting better. God, I want. to feel that way. Let's talk about that.

You don't. You feel like the world's getting worse, even with all the technology. I do, I do, but I feel like the world is, it's not maybe like a cumulative zero-sum effect. Like, I don't think the world is universally getting better. I think parts of it are getting better and parts of it are getting worse simultaneously. Well, of course, that's always, it's, okay, I'm going to do something with my hand. Okay, I'm watching. I'm watching. And you're going to describe it. I'll describe it. Okay, so in other words, I'll describe it at the end. Continue. Love it. No, keep going. I didn't realize.

So, obviously, I think the world's going like this, but it's going like... Yes, yes. I think that's fair. Okay, so what did I do? So there's one straight line, it's kind of diagonally going up, and then he made it one that looked more indexed, like it was going up and down and up and down with the cumulative effect. Yes, that's what I feel. So yes, obviously, there's a horrible situation with going on in Syria where people... Terrible. Do you read the... Okay, so here's a question. You read, okay, and I love to read. And I'm wrestling with this. Just children's books. Just pictures.

Just pictures. And the puffy when you can touch it and it's like it's textured. I love those. Put it against your face. So I wonder about this because I, like, I feel like if you're a thoughtful adult, you should be fully informed. But I also find that being fully informed is like so upsetting, like as to wreck me for other things. Like if I read the news every day, then I'm just depressed. Yeah, but don't forget the news, what sells on the news,

tends to be bad news. It just tends to be. Those stories are going to say, somebody gets shot. Right, Syria and babies washing up on a beach. Exactly. Fucking awful shit. Awful, awful stuff.

And I guess awful shit's always been happening. We just have access to it, again, because of this terrible technology. This is what's inside my head. You're saying it. Right. You even need me. I do need you. I haven't demonstrated that yet, but I will very soon.

Okay. But that's my take. If I just look at things like, I don't want to go off on this, but just like, people live, how much nutrition people have, how much access to housing and fresh water, as a percentage,

it's all getting better all the time. So those are things. Yes, there's terrible poverty. There's horrible exploitation of people. Like, I was in Kuwait, and they bring in, like, poor people. Right from other countries, right?

Basically, it's borderline slavery. It's borderline slavery. It's whatever. Like whatever you can. Could they take away their passports? They can't leave. Right. They can't communicate with anybody.

Yeah, and they live in this very down. You can say a bad word if you like. No, no, no. I don't really swear that much. I see that. It's exciting. I'll do it on your behalf. Please.

He almost said shitty, you guys. It was super exciting for a minute. Yeah, yeah. And then there's these crazy state-of-the-art apartment buildings that the Kuwaitis live. Right, and they're gazing down on their, on their, I was going to say chattel, but there's in the peasantry. So anyway, so I've seen that up close, and it's heartbreaking.

Yeah. It's heartbreaking. But overall, I think, yeah, and I feel like it's not rose-colored glasses. Now, I don't know why rose means a better view of the world. It could be blue. Yellow, gold would be good, too. Yeah, any of those colors.

So just, I feel like it, actually, I feel like it's clear. But that's my philosophy. That's not my philosophy. That's the way I kind of go through it. I love that. Does that help? So it helps me personally. Like, that really helped me because.

because I feel like, in this way, we are not diametrically opposed. I feel like that might be my essential nature, is this rational optimism, right? Like, I've, but I also feel like I've actively chosen to excise the knowledge of some of these more terrible things for my life because I'm like the kind of person who would cry watching the news. Oh, you're empathetic. Yes, very empathetic. Right. Like, I remember, like, during Katrina, like being, like, fixed to the, like, I couldn't get off the couch.

I'm not familiar. What is that? What happened? There was this lady named Katrina. Really? She was out. Oh, right. In the grocery store, right.

I do remember. She fell off the curb and she just sat her ankle because she wasn't, because her shoes didn't have proper ankle support weight. And this is what I was going to see. That's what it's called the Cowback Kids. But that, like, I was paralyzed by that, right? I couldn't do anything about it, but I still was like sitting on the couch watching hours. And they say that that's a modern issue or. Well, since 24-hour news, because they will show everything.

Right, but you'll... With no context. With no context. But you'll sit on the couch watching tragedy, like the Syrian crisis or the poor babies watching up at the beach. And there isn't really anything you can actively do from where you are in your home. You can donate to a sports center. You could change to the Simpsons Marathon on the Fats. Yes, exactly.

That would be something terribly empty-hearted to do, but also useful. Right. But somehow watching the news and fixating on the... issue makes you feel like you're doing something but you're not. So you kind of become, you feel increasingly powerless over time, right? Terrible things are happening. I can't do anything, but I can't stop, like, watching it. And then that's truly modern because we have access to so much more terrible news than we did before. Directly. Yeah. In real time. Yeah. Like, never. Not since, I mean, I mean, even the,

the Hindenberg, I'm just going back to the Hindenburg in 1938. You were on it. Yeah, exactly. I went to New Jersey that day, and it was, God, it was a beautiful. We We had a picnic. It was ruined. It ruined my day. It ruined my day. Those people dying like that. We had a whole picnic planned out.

We had a whole picnic. But that was even even other terrible things happening in the world. But it was just that one event that kind of broke through. whereas now it's like this cacophony of awful. And just think those networks are trying to get you to watch, which is why when there's a hurricane, they're all out there. Right. Did you, like, so the other day this happened.

Which is more exciting than watching. I hate to say it's exciting. There's an exciting thing also when you're watching tragedy. I hate to say it's true. But we're animals, though, right? So exciting doesn't necessarily have to be good exciting. Right, right, right. Literally like your adrenaline is up exciting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you're drawn to it. And there's probably some part of the human mind that's like watching it with this kind of, thank God that's not me kind of fixation that is probably rewarding on some level. Isn't there an expression there for the grace of God? Do you know that? That is a expression there for the grace of God. But there's another term that's better than what you came up.

And more pertinent. No, it's not. Not better than what you said, but there's a. But better. Schadenfreude, which is that kind of like, that's more common. everybody driven, like laughing at the, at the plight, at the tragedy of others. I thought, Shadenfreudeburdens. That was another blimp that crashed the Schadenfreudeberger thing.

I always thought that was you being happy about someone else's misfortune. Yeah, specifically, I think, I might be wrong. Like if a television series gets, laughing at it. Like a person you don't like their television series gets canceled. Yes, you get great enjoyment out of their sorrow. Which is different than the excitement of like their but further grace of God go on. Yeah, you're just like, oh, my, there's somebody floating on top of their house and they can't. It was just terrible.

Yeah. The other day, this happened to me, and it was like a, since I don't, since I, I don't like, you know, it's not like I have a news blackout. I don't sit and watch it every day. I don't get up in the morning and read it every morning. Unless it's the New York Times, and then you can just read some like 17 esoteric page bullshit about a play. But when you say reading, you're talking. you're talking about on your computer.

You don't actually have a paper delivered. What is that, though? Is that a thing? Yeah, there's a person, a delivery boy. Sometimes it's a girl. It's got a cap. Fing, Fing on his bicycle. Get your news here. The shot in Freud and Berg just crushed to the ground on a fiery ball.

Extra. Extra. But, like, there's this other thing that happens with the Internet. I don't know if you've experienced this word, like you're reading one terrible story. And links to? And then, hmm? I'm sorry, I interrupted.

No, it's field free, because this is your hour. I've been talking for most of it. Right. Like, you click on a terrible story, and then there's another terrible story, like, on the little sidebar. And so then you just go into this terrible spiral of reading about, I read about a guy who ripped out, he ripped out his girlfriends and trails with his bare hands. I read that was a real thing that really happened in this country a couple of days ago.

Oh, my God. Because she was asking for it? Because she was, she hadn't made him his scrambled eggs. Right. It was something akin to that. It was something akin to that. How was that even possible? It's, I won't describe it on the show because it's too fucking awful.

But it was, it was, and like awful things like that happen in other parts of the world all the time. People getting acid thrown on their faces because they looked at a man, you know, or whatever, looked at their uncle or their uncle, their uncle raped them and then they kill the girl for being, I don't know, alive. Okay, I feel like you're going to different news sources than I. Also, this is the most uplifting. I thought we're just going to. I don't think about me being a kid in discovering comedy records. I'm not going to do that right now.

No, we don't have, but this is great. But this is why I don't really news. Believe me, this is me. I've learned a lot about you. This is really fun. And you have a really complex mind, and I want to talk about that because I think comedians, I don't know. I mean, you are so much more steeped still. Like, I still do stand-up, but I feel like my life interacted with other comics.

You get to a certain point in your comedy life, and for most of us, If you're headlining, unless you really actively push yourself to do it. Or if you live in New York, where comments I'll hang out and work out together. Nobody works out here. Yeah. You stop interacting with your peers. Do you find that? I haven't. See, because you're a better person than me.

Yeah. That's just you. I like that you do something, and then you immediately universalize it for everyone. I'm still working on why you're not drinking coffee right now. I thought I could get you on my side. But you do. You still interact with a lot of other colleagues? That makes me happy, though.

I feel like I have friends who are comics and we, if we're all on the road and headlining, we don't see each other. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I do, when I do go out on the road and play those beautiful, like it was just at yuck yuck yucks. Oh, God. In Canada. In Toronto.

And I have to say, when I got, literally gets, you know, when you get the check at the end of the week and you're like, all right, a company named yuck yuck's is paying me. It's on the check. This is real. This isn't like a euphemism. You're right. It's not a joke to chuckle. It's literally this is.

consortium LLC. Yuck, yucks. And I'm just like, all right, I'm a clown. I work for the clown company. We all are. We all are. There's no hiding from it. I often say I ran away from home to become a clown.

Oh, you do? Oh, yes, absolutely true. Yes. It's just like, oh, this is very clear what I've done with my love. And you're grown-ass man and you're going to put that check in the bank and it says yuck-yucks on it. It says yuck-yx. And that's where I work at a place with yuck-yx. But what I was going to say about interacting with the comics is that what I find

Yeah. When I do get to sit and talk with them, which is here for the most part now. Right. In a very controlled environment. That I completely, I drive. Of course. Relax in the back seat with your pop. Yeah.

Don't ask too many questions. Love it. That we tend to, despite being clowns. Yes. Have, just be more analytical, more thoughtful. I am pretty. I am pretty split to split. Oh, definitely.

Thinking about the world in an analytical way. And everything, the language, the people, the whole thing. I'm always, it's all revolving all around me. Right. Because comics, I think, because we think about words so much. It's the key. Yeah, to everything. I mean, I know that sounds ridiculous, but any comedian will tell you that the right word,

there's actually, I'm going to quote Mark Twain. I want you to. Get in there. This is what I'm talking about. about, Wayne. All right. I'm going to paraphrase Mark Twain. I'm going to mingle Mark Twain. Here it comes. He said the difference between the correct word and the almost correct word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. Like, right? Like, it's true. It's true in comedy. So I'm all, like, the language is the key part of it. And I think not even just what the word means, because obviously there's a lot of words. It could say the same thing, but

the way that it sounds, the way that it... The rhythm of it. Yeah, the rhythm of it, the syncopation of it. I mean, you know, there's like all these rules that comics, sometimes just know intuitively and sometimes throw out in conversation, you know, like a word with a hard consonant at the beginning is going to be funnier than a word with a soft one, even if they mean the same thing. You know, like that torso is funnier than abdomen, even though I think abdomen is a really funny word. And they're not actually quite the same thing. But... So, so, I just feel like if you can sit with comics for a couple hours, like you'll just go down the rabbit hole naturally.

It's fun. It's fun. I love it. I love it. Because it's so human. And I love at its core, like comedians like to laugh. Yes. They like to like find where the laughter is. But some people,

and some communities are bitter and they're very difficult. Joyless. Joyless. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, just completely. And then others are just, you know,

so thrilled and silly. Yeah. It's just, I love hanging out with them. And sometimes when I'm with not comedians and they start talking, and you're just like, what? And also why? Why? It's really that serious what you're telling me? Or just like, how are you living when you're deriving so little joy from being here?

It's interesting. It's interesting. And I'm pretty sarcastic sometimes. So it's, I have to be careful about that. Because people just can't, they don't know what. Struggle. Struggle. They're trying to context.

Even context isn't helping me with you, Wayne. Do you also find, though, and this is interesting, I was talking with someone about this just yesterday. I'm trying to think of exactly what was something along the lines of like the like the burden of a complex mind, because I think, you know, is that you can be joyless, right? Because you're kind of always thinking about things, always thinking about the nature of things.

And that's why some joyless comics can be very, very funny on stage, even as they're trudging through the world, you know, actively finding shit on the sidewalk to walk through, just because, you know, why not? That's not a question. Right? I'm going to let you reboot that one. I'm talking about you, Dana Gould.

I'm not going to answer it. I'm going to just let it lie there so it's even worse. Just make it, just let it steam on the sidewalk. Well, I want to do the autobiographical thing, but I want to speak specifically. We don't have to, by the way. We can go. Because I feel like you're gleaning stuff about me. As we go along,

you, one thing I was really excited to ask you, the one thing. The one thing. It's the only reason that you're, the nugget you're holding on to. Was when you, you went to New York to launch,

to help launch Fallon. Yes. And I want to know how that happened. And I want to know if, I don't know, I want to know how that happened. Let's start there. Okay. What were you doing?

Yeah. Well, this is what I was, living in a place of Los Angeles. Never heard of it. Small, little. Beautiful little hamlet. A little bit of Hamlet, very laid back. No.

No stress. Get your career going. It's very. Paralyzed by your ongoing aging. Very supportive. Yes. A kind culture. It's a kind culture.

Yeah. It's just, it's a dream. So I'm living in this beautiful paradise. The epicenter of kindness. Yeah. This beautiful paradise called Los Angeles. which means the city of angels. It does.

How could it not? And it's exactly what it is. Everyone's an angel. Baved in light. They're just trying to support you in so many ways. Flying around winged breasts. It's just great. The wind beneath their breasts.

The wind beneath their pneumatic. The whole thing. All right. So, and I get a phone call from Jimmy Fallon, who says, I think I'm going to be taking over for Conan. and Lauren Michaels is producing the show and he wants me to go out and get my stand-up chops because he had been doing this acting career.

He was never a stand-up career. Yes, he was. That's how I met him. I knew him pre-SNL. Wow. I knew him. Like, I met him when I was doing a college and he did like a after,

because comedians loved to be on stage. I did a show at a college in upstate New York. And then afterwards there was like, oh, there's a local comedy club that does like an open mic thing. We want to come by. I was like, yeah, let's do that. And that's where I met Jimmy Fallon. Wow. Years before he even came to L.A. Wow.

And he was, anyway. No, what was he? He's just talented. Yeah. It's not like, I'm looking, I'm pointing at myself. He's just, like, I used to say like a lot of arrows in his quiver. Yeah. Like, oh, impressions. I can sing. I can do act out.

Right. Right. I can do play guitar. Yeah. And then he's just so punishingly likable. It's like, yeah, it's ridiculous. He is really a mood enhancer. He really is. He is just, it comes out. You're like, yay! Yes, yeah.

So, excuse me, so he called me. He's like, I want to go out on the road. He had done Stan. He had released a comedy album. God, I didn't know that about him at all. Are you familiar with stand-up? I have never heard of that either, even though I've been doing it for a living 20 years. I have no idea.

He was a stand-up before he, and when during SNL, he released a comedy album. thought he was like an impressionist and that's how we had gotten SNL. So yeah, I need to read the internet more. Yeah. So, and so he didn't want to do any of his old stuff, which was pretty good. Yeah. About being in college and... Because now he's 40. Right. Right. He was like, he was a little older. He was like 30 or something. So he's like, I want to go out on the road. I wanted, you know, Lauren wants me just to get my skills level. Because Lauren had this idea that Jimmy would be very much in the audience doing like games. And that's what we, did. He was like in the audience with the long microphone. Right. That's a handle. Do you know what I'm

talking about? Like that long thing? Yeah, that long. There's a word for that and I don't have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's make one up. Spiv. That's not what it is. But yeah, that long like the Bob Barker. Yes, yes, exactly, exactly. Gene Rayburn was another one who used that. So for some reason, that's how they pictured, like how Jimmy was going to differentiate himself, very much like Johnny Carson used to do the stump the band and stuff. So, So Lauren was like, I need you just get out on the road. So Jimmy was like, I have like 12 new minutes. I have a couple new songs that I want to do.

Can I open for you, Wayne? And then that's my impression of Jimmy's voice. I don't do voices, obviously. Clearly. I bought it, though. I saw it. Can I open for you? And then during the day, we can work on my acts because I've always liked your stand-up.

And, you know, so I was like, sure. That sounds great. People are going to come see you, even though you're the opening. going to sell so many tickets. Exactly. Yeah, this sounds great for me. Oh, yeah. On my headline with special guests.

Exactly. And his name bigger than guests. Right, of course. It's like I knew what I was. That's awesome, though. You feel free to open for me any day. Yeah, I'll do that favor for you. Come on, kid.

Come on with me. I'll show you the ropes. I love it. So we went out and it started out like just driving. down to the Irvine Improv and working on stuff during the afternoon. And after like three months of doing improvs and stuff, we came up with, he was very easy to write for. Right, right, right.

Because like anything I ever wanted to do with an impression, I would just like, oh, you can do this, you can do this. Right, right. And he, so immediately, like within three months, he had 35 minutes, at which point I said, you know, I think it's time we flip this. We flop the schedule. It's midnight, Cinderella. Let's get back to reality.

I'll be the opening act. Go back to my normal position in life. Let the big SNL star close the show. Turn the case of the end. Jesus' faces on the other side. But even when he was opening for me, which is crazy if I just step back for a second and think that the host of the Tonight Show

was my opening act. Right, right, right. Just whatever that means is someone who, But he would open, I would do my thing, and then I bring him back at the end, and we'd, like, do some music together because I play piano and stuff. Oh, that's super fun. Yeah, that's like a really playful show. Yes, it was, it was.

It was. But I thought it was important that he came back at the end. And he had this closer with this, like, where he would sing all the songs of the 80s. Anyway, and he used to DJ. And so that's what happened. So we're doing this, and it's going great, obviously. And now the news... It's fun to work with your friend.

Yes, it's great. And I'm in his reflected glory. Right, right, right. Everyone wants to hang around this guy. And the news is out now. He's taking over for Conan, who's going to take over the Tonight Show. Yeah. And we all know what happened.

It went great, by the way. Yeah, perfect, smoothest. Like, as smooth as if possible. It was like, it's seamless like he'd always been there. Yeah, no. Exactly. Oh, oh, Lord. So during that time, he just turned to me and was like,

Wayne, again, I'm going to do an impression to Jimmy. I know it seems like he's right here. Yeah, it is. It's like you've transformed. By the way, not just his voice, but his face. Momentarily morphed into Jimmy's face. He's like, I've never hosted a show. I've never done a talk show. I've never hosted a talk show. I don't know what I'm doing.

Would you like to help right for me when I'm there in New York? I just need someone that I can trust who knows my sensibility, who knows my rhythm, who knows what would be outside, what would be my comfort zone and what bit. So I was like, sure. That's incredible. So I said, I'll do it for a year while you launch it out.

And did you just want to do the one year? I kind of did want to do the one year. I kind of wanted to do the one year. Because I didn't want to, I mean, we were going to play a year. Because he hate money? Yeah, yeah, I know. It wasn't that I hate money. I did want to do the one year.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, at the end of the year, they were like, this is enough for Wayne. To be honest. Let's be honest. It wasn't like they were begging. me to, oh, Wayne, please, can we double yourself? No, there was not, they were like,

yeah, it's time for you to, all right, all right. Yeah, yeah, it's all right. I wasn't totally suited for that job, to tell you the truth. Do you really feel it? Because you were like, you were writing his monologue. No, I was running the monologue room. You're running the room. Yeah, I was running the room. So I was writing jokes for him, and then

it was great having that job more than doing that job. Because I don't, if you know my saying, I don't do topical stuff really, so it's not my it's not your, here. Here's the, here's the other thing. So I wonder what that felt like to you because one thing that's very interesting about the way comics interact is that we kind of already interact in a way that you could just pick us all of and put us in a writer's room and we would like start writing jokes. I mean, people were just fucking with each other all day long. Of course. But again, there's something

about doing that at play that feels fun, but when you've got to grind out a certain amount of material every day, it becomes much more burdensome, much less fun. And then you probably have other, some other people that you have to interact with that aren't comics. at all and you're like, you don't know what you're talking about when they want to tell you, give you a note or get you to do shit a different way. Look, it was a great job. And my favorite part was actually working in that building at 30 Rockafel. Because I'm a comedy nerd. And like, I know what happened in that studio back in the 40.

Like, I was just in it. Nixon was shot in that studio. Of course, you're obviously a political buff. I read everything. Know all about Nixon being shot. Nixon was shot. That was the hell of. Everyone knows that story.

Right? Everyone knows that story. He lived clearly. Yeah, yeah. And the picture of him pointing at the guy who shot him. He's still alive. Yeah, yeah. He pointed at the guy with two fingers.

Yeah, the classic way. The classic connection way that you point. Oh, this way, like the victory sign. Yes, exactly. I'm still alive, motherfucker. That's what he was saying. So he was saying you loved working in that building. Yeah, I did.

I did. I love the job. And as a matter of fact, I'm going back to do a set on the Tonight Show in two weeks. on the fourth. That's awesome. Yeah, that's going to be great. I mean, you have this relationship with him as he's kind of transitioned through the two shows. Yes, yeah, yeah. We still talk, and he's just great. He's just been a great champion of mine, and I love the kid. But this is an interesting question.

Oh. Say I patting myself. So you're complimenting yourself on something that hasn't even happened. That is a crazy. Healthy self-image is what I have. Very healthy. So this is something that's going to happen in the future. It's going to be great. And you're already confident.

It's coming. Just ready yourself for the genius. That is bold. It's not going to be good at all now. I realize that. I don't think about it more. No pressure now. It's going to be terrible.

You're going to be deeply disappointed by this question. Let's do it. You're like, how does she have this job? But you know why? Because it's free. That's why I have it. Was there something about writing a writer's room that really surprised you? Like, did you think coming in it was going to feel one way for you?

And then there was just executionally, it was a completely different experience. That's not a bad question. I've given you pause. Yeah. All right, so was it different than the way I picked? Like, did you just think it was going to be super fun? And then it was just the dole-

No, I knew it was going to be. I knew it was going to be a grind. It's a, it's a, what's, it's a groundhog day job. Yes. It's like as soon as it's over, click. Right away. We're starting again on the exact,

little different stories. Oh, this time, Secretary of State Clinton, went to Ireland, we'll write some jokes. But it's basically the same job day. And I'm not, I'm more of an inspirational writer than a get up and write. Grind it out kind of a person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, oh, you are?

Inspirational meaning that I just don't write for really long time and then occasionally get my shit together and write a bunch of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. When you get inspired. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, so after a while, I was like, oh, this is, and one day I was on the subway and I'm coming into work,

and I'm not complaining about this job in any way, but there was this feeling, and my stomach was like, oh, I remember this feeling. This feels like school. Remember when you had to get up and go to school? Yes, and turn in your report. Right, right. There was a certain pressure to it, so.

And also, I mean, the two things that just struck me. One thing is that that would render the act of writing comedy really joyless for someone. It's not joyless, but it's less. Less than what. Less than joyful. When you're writing for yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the other thing I wonder is, because I'm like you in that I don't get up and write 10 topical jokes every day. You know, something happens to me and then that's a bit. And I get to hone that bid and build that bit and make it more complex over time. And you write a great joke and it's gone. You write a shitty joke and it's gone. Regardless, like your best work is down a hole. Your worst work is down a hole.

I can't tell you how astute that observation is. I'm really going to compliment you now on something. You know, this means something. Me, complimented myself, means nothing. There was part of that feeling that was like all this work. And it wasn't just Morgan Murphy and Anthony Jettelnack and Jeremy. I mean, we had a really good writing staff. All the work we were putting into this monologue was basically gone.

It's like, can you name one monologue joke? Not from Fallon. Anyone. From Letterman, from one. No, I cannot. From all the years and all the hours of rejecting 80 jokes to get the, one job. So it's so disposable, I felt like, I'd rather write a routine. Right, right. And painful, too, because kind of you're putting your best work and, you know,

I mean, you're birthing these babies and then poof, just gone. Yeah, yeah, they're gone. They're gone. And again, super well paid for it. Some people, it's that they'll, that's their dream job. Yeah. And there was a guy we hired, um, name John Ryman. That was like his dream thing. And he was great at it. Like could just pound out. Was he a stand-up as well? He was a stand-up as well, but he just had a knack for, like, late at night before the next day he would write 20 jokes. And then start out in the morning already having 20 jokes and doing another 30. I wonder also, like, have you ever live-tweeted anything?

Ever just gotten on and, like, watched something? I'm like, I haven't live tweeted. I've been, this is what I've done. There's something they do illegally at a theater here where we watch, like, the Emmys or the Oscars. and we comment it on it. I've done that. I've done that a couple of times. And obviously, so I'm good at that,

but to me, by the time I would write something, the moment would be gone. The moment would be gone. And I feel like there's better. Wait, is to spend your time? Oh, by phone. No, no, no, no. That's better, but I feel like there's better people

at that live tweeting thing because I'm much better at like saying it, doing it, hopefully it lands and then moving on. Like, I ask because, like, somebody like Pat Nosswell does a lot of live tweeting. Yes, yes, he's actually perfect. And his brother, by the way, can I, he has a brother named Matt Oswald. Phenomenal guy to follow on Twitter.

Okay, I will. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. If you're looking for someone who's very funny and it's just tweets are just well thought out. Right. He doesn't do any kind of what I call BS. I'm sorry if that's offensive.

Oh my God. Bologna. Bologna. No bologna. No bologna. It's just like he writes a tweet. I might have to bleep that out when I got the show together. Whatever.

You have to do. A little bit on the pale there. But I don't do it that often, but what I do find when I do do it, like occasionally. And people are... What would you do? Give me an example of some of these. Well, like, during the last political cycle, like, I live tweeted the debates. The debates.

Not everyone, but like the late debates when it was, like, kind of down to, like, some the real contenders and not this, like, you know, shit show that it is right now where, like, everybody and their mom and the guy next door and the guy that walked through dog, everybody's still in the race. It seems like an exaggeration. A little bit, but just a tiny bit. A dog walkers in the race right now. There's one. There's one in there. One of them was a dog walker.

You're saying it. Ben Carson? No. So, your dentist? You're a dentist. No, he's come kind of medical doctor. He's a brain surgeon. I'm very dismissive, aren't I? A racist is what I am. He's black. He can't be a real doctor. What is he? Orthopedist. It was so racist. That was really like a full minute of racism. So, but one thing I do find when I do it, and I don't do it very often, is both of those feelings. the feeling of, oh God, these are funny jokes and they're gone forever.

Right. But I get a little exhilarated at the challenge of having to write quickly, like having to generate a lot of material fast and kind of trusting my instincts. But what's different about that is I don't write 20 jokes and then get 19 rejected. I just wrote 20 jokes and they're out there and they're mine. You know what I mean? So I could see how like I sit up all night in my hovel because it's Manhattan, so that's all I can afford.

and I would write all these jokes, and I would be, you know, generally thrilled with whatever I decided was good enough to turn in at work. And then none of them would make it on the show. And to me, that would slowly grind me down to, like, a note. Of course, yeah. Whereas, you know, for someone else, that could just be exhilarating, I guess. Right, and it's so much on the whim of how Jimmy's feeling about it and just like you're, so much is out of your control. Right, right. But, you know, obviously, I'm so looking forward to going back there.

I'm going to hang out with the monologue guys the day before and see how the room looks and stuff. God, writer's rooms are crazy. I know. Can I give you a quick? You can do whatever you want. I like quick. One of the jobs that sort of fall in my way is I'm starting. And I worked with you and that's how we know each other is writing for these award shows.

Yes, yes, exactly. So, you know, this kind of awkward banter that we make these presenters do for some reasons. That they can never deliver adequately. And it's bad. Anyway. So Mel Brooks is doing the creative arts Emmys. Yes, yes, yes, I was there. I was there. You were there?

I was there. I was there. I took a picture with him and it was really exciting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still have those feelings now. Okay. Yes, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, it was me and him.

Oh, at the makeup table. Yeah, okay. Me and him and, oh, God. The guy wrote two and a half men. Chuck Lori. Chuck Lori. Thank you. Yeah, that's a great picture.

Mini stroke. Yeah, that was a big get for me. And you got a mini stroke taking a, the picture. Mini stroke, taking the picture, and then another one just now

trying to remember Chuck Lori's name. So to when, how many minis to make just a normal stroke?

I probably, it's like 20 minis? 30, 40 minis. To get just a regular stroke. And how many regular strokes to get a major stroke?

1.7. Wow, that seems very precise. That's very precise. 1.7 regular strokes to get a doozy. I was going to say something terrible.

You were. I'm not going to say on this show because I am, I feel like we evaluated this thing. I think we're going to Take it out of my normal, my basement muck humor. So anyway, so that day, so you were there.

I was there, yeah, you were there. So Mel Brooks, I wrote something for him, and then he was like, this seems fine. And then like an hour before the show or even less, I was like, you know, I think I want to try to do this, because what you wrote was sort of about movie titles, that was the category. And how would you describe the Creative Arts Emmy Awards? They're still legitimate Emmys, but. Well, okay, so two things. Matt Thompson, one of the executive producers of Archer,

calls them the Schmemmys. Yes, yes. He calls them the Schmemmys because they're not the real Emmys, even though everyone wants to act like they are, they're not. I will say, having gone to the Schmemmys for many years, because I've never been on anything real, that would get nominated for a real Emmy. It's gotten more Emmy-like,

because there's so many shows now. There's so many networks, and there's so much television. They've had to add categories, and they've had to push those categories, into the creative arts. Creative Arts Emmys used to just be like makeup, hair, set design, a bunch of shit that no one gave a fuck about.

Sorry, all the people that do that for a living and pay mortgages and raise your children with that money. And take it very seriously. So now they've pushed like all the supporting categories and like some of, and so now, like, you know, Reggie Kathy won for House of Cards that he was sitting right next to me. I really was very excited by that. Yes.

And so it's gotten to be, it's gotten to be like jack in the box to the Emmys McDonald's, right? Like delicious, still not McDonald's. But like, good enough. Burger King's deluxe. So we're coming along. It's coming along. But it's still not real. It's not the Emmy Awards.

It's not the Ami's. But anyway, Mel Brooks is there. So that's, and then they got huge people to come. Right. So. Allison Janie was there. That's all I have for you. So before the show, he was like, let me try to write something.

Because what you wrote is about movie titles and this is about television. So he goes, let's see if we can come up with something. So I'm like, you know, the show's in 40 minutes. They're good. Come on. So we sit down and over. You and Mel Brooks are riding together. That was the writer's room.

Mel Brooks, Wayne Federman. Oh, these are my noises of excitement for you. Yeah, that doesn't quite sound like excitement. It's so, it's like my tummy hurts. That's how excited I am. It was pretty thrilling. Were you doing it like looking up every few minutes to see if you still sitting there? Like, oh, this is happening.

Oh, right. this a dream? Did I die? On the way to the schmammies. That's to the schmemmies. And this is what's in my head as I'm on the operating table. Exactly. Like floating above myself. No books and I are writing a joke together.

That's hilarious. Oh, God. Yeah, so that was the writer's room. My favorite writer's room, by the way. And, you know, and I just thinking, of course, all I'm doing is thinking like, oh, when Neil Simon worked with this guy and Mel Tolkien and all, you know. So, and Carl Reiner, obviously. So it was pretty thrilling.

It was thrilling. And then we did that little silly thing, and he loved it. Oh, he killed it. Yeah, yeah, of course, because he's hilarious, but it was great. He's 89. Sharpest taxed guy. Yeah, sharpest taxed guy. And then afterwards came up to me.

It was like, thank you so much. How'd you think it went? He was like, Wayne, how'd you think it went? Like, asking my opinion. It's like, what's happening? I have a lot of feelings about this. What is happening? What is happening, Mel?

Why are you asking me, my opinion? Now you're really like, I'm floating about my body. Yeah, this is not real. You want to take a, like, can we take a, yeah, we can take a picture. And then you have to, like, and then you can't. Yeah, how do you, how do you get that? Like, how do you, how do you freeze that in amber? You just have to keep telling that story over and over again.

I don't. Yeah, I don't, well, they'll be on this podcast for all eternity because the internet will never die. But just like how lovely. It was lovely. How lovely. Thank you. Thank you. It was pretty great.

It was pretty great. Have you had other lovely things like that happen? Like when you were a wee fetterman. Yeah. Did you dream, like, and you dreamed of being a comedian? Mm-hmm. I know, exactly. How that all happened.

Right? Because what happened to you? Right. And I still have memory. You still have those memories. Although I, you know, I'm a big, like, to me, past president and futures is a big issue for me. Okay. So you're a hippie.

Are we doing like space time continuing stuff right now? No, no, no, no, no. Just like what happened in my past, what's happening right now, what my future may or may not be, how it's all connected, that, you know, once the past happens, you can't change it. Right, yes, that's true. You know. These are truths.

Wait, but I want to get this synthesized. All right, well, I just, all right, here's what happened. When I was in the second grade in Silver Spring, Maryland, we use. I know it well. You do? I do. my grandmother lived there for most of my life and I would go there in the summers. Okay, so I went to East Silver Spring Elementary School and we would line up outside the classrooms

and then when the second bell ran, we would walk into the classrooms. So I had an epiphany the first day of second grade as we were lined up. This is elementary school and I'm lined up and I'm just, you know, the new clothes and the racers and whatever. I'm looking at my friends. Yes, yes. And I looked to the left, to the left of me, and I see lined up the first graders, and it just hit me like a bolt.

That was me. I was a first grader. Like up until that time, I'm just like, I'm playing tag. I'm eating. I'm juice, you know. Buttered noodles. Whatever's going on. You know, just in the net.

And then I was like, oh, wait a minute. That was me. and then I looked to the right and I saw the third graders and the fourth graders and the fifth graders and I looked back and I was like oh I'm gonna die

Wow like I was like oh I see you just had like a bleak French I know that was I know it's but I didn't mean it in like oh I'm sad I'm gonna die I was just like oh I realize I'm just a person that's going through this continuum yeah yeah so ever since that time

I've been very you know aware of like the passage of time, what I remember, what I remember wrong, how, you know, people mythologize themselves. Like, that's what happened with Brian Williams. Yeah. Oh, yes, absolutely. Yeah.

But there's a need to mythologize yourself because how are you going to, yes, how are you going to, and I don't even mean in the grand, like, I need to be up on a, I need to be a statue on a pedestal way, but just like, was my time here, was this little trail I made through all of this, did it mean anything? Right. Did I leave anything behind? Did I make any mark? And we all know it's meaningless.

It's totally meaningless. We all. We do. Deep down, we know this. We do. We know Woody Allen. And I don't have that bleakness at all. I'm thrilled.

Thrilled to be here. Thrilled. I'm going to miss it bad when I'm gone. I promise you. Right. When you're leaving, you're going to know exactly what you're leaving behind. I'm going to be like, okay, this is, this is incredible. Right.

But at that moment, I know it sounds sad like I'm going to die, but it was more like, oh, this is phenomenal. This is phenomenal. And was it phenomenal because you just, in that moment saw the truth? I don't know. I just realized, like, I just had a very, I guess, existential epiphany then. And then from then on, people were always like, oh, this, it seems like it's going slower, like time is speeding.

I'm like, no, I feel like time has been going the same ever since I was a kid. It's just you're older now when you have more of a perspective. Yeah, you're more of a sense of your place in the world. This was second grade, went just as fast as this past year, this. I'm weird, I'm weird. No, I love it. This is what I was talking about earlier in our conversation about, like,

comedians, when, like, at our best or worst or whatever, most fully engaged, we tend to, not spiral in a negative way, but, like, dig down. We dig down, you know what I mean? Right, right. And underneath, and then, you know, eventually reveal what we all know, which is this is all meaningless. I hate to say it.

And we're going to die. Right, right. But not even, yeah. But in a funny way. Of course, it's funny. That's why I love. That's one of the reasons I feel very fortunate and I hate to use the word grateful. I hate to use it.

No, but gratitude is. Because of that cafe ruined it for me. It really did. Yeah, ruined it. I am limitless. There's a restaurant here in L.A., everybody who's not been. It's a vegan restaurant. It's intolerably twee and patronizing.

and fucking hippies, man. It's like, so you go and there's no, the foods, so the foods all have these awful names that you have to say if you want to eat in this place. It's called Cafe Gratitude. Cafe Gratitude. And so like a bowl of lentils will be like, I am energized.

And a cup of, you know, goop with chia seeds, it would be like, I am regular. I don't know. It's terrible. The food is delicious there, by the way. But it's wrecked. My favorite part about it, of course, is like, oh, and they accept American Express. Exactly.

Classic, like, oh, we're basically a business. You're pre-masticated coconut ball. We're a business here. We had a Buddhist monk pre-chew that for you. We'll take Visa. We have Apple Pay. We just had Apple Pay. We're spreading the joy.

You cannot hug me in exchange for your food. You've got to give me money. Exactly. For your gratitude. Exactly. The only cool thing that I really like about that place is that you can buy. There's one thing you can choose how much you want to pay for the item. So there's one bowl.

There is? Yeah, there is. There's one bowl where you can choose how much you want to pay. Oh, all right. And maybe there's a floor, but you can choose the ceiling. You can pay us more if you want. Right. And whatever you pay over the floor, they use to provide meals to homeless people.

But I guarantee you that no hobo wants a fucking bowl of lentils. Like no guy pushing a cart down the street is dying to eat. First of all, you use, the greatest. It's my favorite word I use. I love it. He's right in the rails. He's jaunty and he's riding the rails and he's having, he wants hot dogs and baked beans. He does not want your dumb bowl of kale.

He wants to sing doo-up around a burning garbage can. Right? He's a vagabond of the road. Come on. Wait, but he's getting the railroad. He doesn't want your chia bowl. Fuck you and your chia bowl, hippie. You dirty, hippie.

So how do we go? But what's interesting about the concept of gratitude, I... Yeah. Oh, back to what I was going to say. I'm sorry to interrupt. No, do it. It's your show. No, no, no.

Very quickly, it's just like that's one of the... Like, I feel like laughter is... And eliciting it and doing it because I love it. Love laughing or having people make me laugh is... It's human. It is like at its core, like a human thing. This isn't... There's no animals sitting around making any...

other laugh. Dolphins. Just dolphins. Only dolphins. Well, no, they have fun. Yeah. Maybe they do. Maybe they do, like, in a physical way and maybe puppies or something.

Yeah. I see them frolicing and something like that. Follicking is a great word. Right? Yes. You've seen it. Puppies frolic. Yeah.

Yeah. So I don't know. I just, I don't want to get all stupid on you. No, no. No, no. It's not stupid. It's so interesting. It's really interesting to me.

This is this, you're like in the wheelhouse of this show. Oh, okay. Oh, really? Yeah. I always thought your show was a little harsh show. I always thought your show is a little larger, like about people getting drunk and like, oh, and I shot LSD into that girl's neck. That has happened. That has happened, right?

I thought we've talked about that. The show is whatever my guess wants it to be, but big ideas is what the show is typically about. Oh, really? Yes, and, yeah, comedy and then big ideas. And I like that because the idea of laughter also being this kind of like, now this is going to get. Let's do it. Well, just like this shout into the void, right? Like this kind of, you know, because it is meaningless.

we are all going to die and terrible things are happening everywhere. And so if you can find a way to laugh in the context of all of that, it is this uniquely human way of connecting. Yes, of connecting with other people and of making the world more gentle, making it a more gentle place. Thank you. Yeah. I support that 100%.

What's happening here? What's happening here? We're having a beginning of the minds. We're not as far apart as we thought at the beginning of this conversation. I know. We were polar opposites. I lived with Santa and you were down there with the penguins and the blue foot boobies down at the bottom there.

The what? Blue footed boobies. What is that? A kind of bird with blue feet. It's a bird. It's got blue feet. Are you saying blue or blue? Blue footed boobies.

All right. I thought you were saying boof footed. That would be a different bird. That's a different bird. So blue footed burbies. They look a little bit like a penguin. They're black and white, but they have blue feet and I think they have an orange beak. They're very, they live in the Antarctic.

It's closely, you know, the Falklands. Yeah, I got it. The disputed Falkland Islands. I know. Highly disputed, the, what was the name? What's the indigenous name?

Of the Falkland? Yeah, because it was a big issue during that invasion. I'm so racist. I couldn't even tell you. No, I'll think of it. Malvees, Maldives, Maldives,

Maldives are, no, then it's not the Maldives. No. We're going to, the internet will answer this question for us at a later day. This is the thing. I don't like to look up things.

No, you're already, we established early on that you're an American, you're like, super America, and you don't want to leave. No, I didn't. That's not what you said. I do like America. I love America, too. I do like America.

I'm obsessed with travel, though. But you travel, for stand-up. Yeah, I was in Israel. Ooh. Yeah. Now, is this like U.S.O. things, or is this? No, this was, there's a, what happens is there was a, there was a comedian. The guy stopped fighting to just go over there on your own accord. It's not. It's a regular.

A few jokes. Like, guys. It's a regular country. No, it's just, there was a comedian in the book this tour in Israel. And what happened if there's something. called the Intifada. Yeah, Intifada. That no one would go to Israel to perform.

Like you couldn't get any bands because they couldn't get insurance for the equipment. Oh, yeah. Everything has to be underwritten. Right. So, so comedians like, I think I get comedians to come over. Yeah. And I was part of the first tour that went over there. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. Very proud of that. Do you find, two things. Do you find that? Are we going to go two one, one two? One to. Any order.

Any order. You can reorder them at your leisure. Do it. Do you find, because I always worry about this, but I think, speaking to you that you don't have this problem, that your comedy translates easily to other countries, or do you find that you've got to recast, reconfigure? I mean, around the edges, around the edges. Yeah, like a little bit just to kind of get some context.

The second thing, I decided to just let you answer that one. The second thing, which is now just a new number one, is, um, So two number ones. Two number ones. Yeah, I got you. It's better than I'm to spend two number two. Yeah. Is do you, how do you feel just generally?

This is just a general person about travel. Like, I'm obsessed with traveling. Like, I want to travel all the time. Yeah. Which I think comes out of my curiosity. I think this is another area. But we're not going to come together. Shocking, shocking of shocking, from the hot liquid to the cold liquid,

from the North Pole to the South Pole, we are in complete agreement. Oh, exciting. I never have complained about TSA. I've never complained about being on an airplane. I think the whole thing is a miracle. Yes, a miracle of science. Like Louis C.K. talks about it. Like, you're in a chair in the sky.

And then you wake up like a chilly miles away. Yeah. It's incredible. All you have to have is just a little sense of what it was like to just travel 100 years ago. Oh, my God. I'm not talking about 1,000 years ago. Yeah. I'm talking about 100 years ago.

Mm-hmm. You know. Not even pre-flight. Yeah. Host flight. Yeah. Pre this level of flight. It was just so... Just rich people.

Yes. Rich people. Yeah. In the sky. And I remember I would fly to see my grandmother in Silver Spring. She lived right on the D.C. side of Silver Spring. So she was in D.C., but like I could walk into Silver Spring to go to like the 7-Eleven. Wow.

That's right where, yeah. Yeah. Right there. That's my... And so you're stomping grounds where you had your existential moment. Yeah. I mean, more than that happened when I was there. A lot of, but that's the, that's the defining one.

for me anyway, that, um, that like you would dress up. It was like a big fucking deal. Like I had a little dress and I had gloves and I, you know, and now I just get on the, you know, my sweats. But I'm so, but, which doesn't diminish the miracle of travel. It's, it's miraculous. It's miraculous. It stays miraculous. Yeah, I love it. I love, I love, but this is a weird thing for me. Okay. Remember earlier, I'm going to go back to the earlier prior to the podcast and those who need, to rewind who don't have short-term memories. What is it? Is that called rewind?

It's just like scan back? Scan back. Or five? I always say five back. That's from the DVR. Oh, five seconds. Oh,

no, no, this is, that you were talking about going on holiday, or going on holiday. Yes, going on holiday.

And just because I feel like my, I don't, I actually like, and this is so revealing, it might not be appealing. I am excited and I can't wait. Is that I really like traveling for work

when someone else is paying me to travel. I hate to say. That's neither revealing nor particularly unappealing. That's just the truth. Everybody likes to travel on somebody else's time, for sure.

And it's usually more than a dime, right? Yes, because they'll pay. Okay, this just happened the other day. So I wonder about this. I used to really take gigs sometime that I didn't even want, just because I wanted someone to pay to take gig.

So we have this income. Absolutely. I don't want to do this. We're coming together. This is like a great. This is a grand culmination here. You know what I mean? Like I was like, I don't even want to do that gig, but I do want to be flown to that city so that I can go back fuck around there for two days.

But just recently, just in the last couple of years, I decided, like someone offered me a gig in San Francisco, which is where I'm from. Yes. And I didn't want to do the gig. But I did want to see my family. And I thought, I'm just going to buy my own plane ticket because I just know that when I'm doing the gig, I'm going to resent it. so deeply. Oh, okay. It will ruin my weekend.

So you've transcended the Federman. Just recently. But just like literally like I would, it took me like a long time to pass because I rather you would do the gig and then see your family. Yeah. And and I was like, and I'll resent having to leave my family to go do the gig. Like I'll resent the whole thing. And it will ruin my weekend dreading the gig and then saying to myself the whole time,

why did I agree to this? Why did I agree to this? I don't want to do this. So it's just, yeah. It's just, it's very recent. Before I was like, this is great. Free chicken wings. And don't you also feel like you're a big shot if you get flown in?

No, no. Because I, well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't particularly do the big shot. No, I mean, just feel. You feel nice when people are paying for your stuff. I feel like that. But I feel beholden to them.

To them and you resent. And I resent them. Okay, all right. All right. That's, it's just because I have, I've had a job for a little while now when I can afford to buy stuff that I've, I don't know if you've had this realization recently. You're talking about Archer?

Yeah, Archer. Archer is paying all the bills. Archer bought buys me a T-shirt every about it's worth a T-shirt. Is that the reason? The refrigerator is stocked? They're just stocked with soda.

By the way, Archer money. Can I talk about this? Yeah, yeah. There's a full bar that's so big there's a ladder you have to get up to the upper levels of it and it's just stocked.

I see all of this stuff. It's got, yeah, I could, some people, People collect dolls. You collect alcohol. I collect booze. Yeah. You know, there's a word for it.

You're right. I don't know what that word would be. Oh, excuse me. Kind of sewer, collector. Spirous enthusiast? Yeah. Hobo. Future hobo.

Future hobo. If you ride in the rails with my bottle in a bag. That, like, I remember being at a Hollywood party and, like, waiting at the bar and it was, like, this really long line. And I was like, you know, but it was for the booze was free. And I remember, like, like, like, I remember. I was like, booze is free. So I'm standing in line for a free drink. And then there was just a point in my life where I was like,

I'm just going to go down to this bar and pay for a drink that I can drink on my own terms without standing around all these Hollywood douchebacks. And that's been like a slow, and then it's slowly expanded to the rest of my life. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I feel like your life has been archerized. It has.

If you mean a lot of day drinking, then yes, absolutely. Is that what happens over there at the recording? Well, no, on the show, everybody is always dayduring. drinking. Really? We are all trying to just embody that in real life as well. When we're all together, we do a lot of drinking. You must have so much doing that thing. I love it, but we don't see each other that much because we all, we all record individually. So we're only, we were together with Creative Arts Emmys. That's a big thing for us. We go to the Schmemmys. We get up as a group and leave as soon as we've lost our category every year. We all leave mid-ceremony. Fuck this noise. No one

cares what, you know, Alison Janie has to say, even though she's amazing and I love her. And, And we go across the street to the palm, and then we just, like, drink a lot. You don't go to that. And then we frolic, like, puppies, and we, like, tumble around together. I like the callback. You don't go to the governors? We did it one year, and it was so cavernous and punishing. I couldn't stand it.

It was, like, so big, and there was, like, a laser light show. It was a laser. I know. And I couldn't see anybody's face and my feet hurt. Again, I was, like, I'm standing in line for free drink, but I don't want to be here. I want to go to a bar. You've transcended. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I've regressed.

Maybe, like, I should be. like, I'm fancy. I'm at the cup on his ball. But I was like, I just want to go across the street. What was that voice? Do you begin? That's my Jimmy Fallon. I'm fancy. I'm at the common as ball. Oh, my God. You did transform it to James Fallon. Everything.

Before we get to self-inflicted wounds. Yes, that's the wrap up. There was, yes, there was a question that I had for you, and it was about your, the baby federman full of angst and on wee. I wasn't coming to, coming to the realization that everything must end. No, it wasn't that at all. I was just a normal kid who had her happen. You had a Mircham Pipe and a striped shirt and a Tamo Shanter.

That you, when you were dreaming of grown-up Federman, at whatever point it crystallized that you wanted to become a comedian. This is a... Do it. It's not a great question, but I'm so curious. It's about the... It's circling the gratitude thing. It's that have the things that have happened in your career,

hear. Uh-oh. Ben. Uh-oh. Are you going to make me cry? What's going to happen here? I don't want to try to make you cry. What are you up to?

Okay, it's something about... I'm nervous. When you told the story about Mel Brooks, realizing in the moment that that was happening, that that was special. And that I think that as people, and especially as Americans, and then maybe even...

That we can be very glib. You know, just, well, this thing happened. That thing happened. No big deal. But that I actually think... that like knowing as these things are unfolding or soon after that they are a big deal and that we're just the sum of our experiences really when we go that's all we had was like I wrote from L. Brooks I helped launch Jimmy Fallon I you know you drank during the day I day drink I'd like to

create experiences on a constant basis that is the dream that you had about the Federman's life how is it compared to what is actually happened Well, it's a difficult to be completely, I can be glib, you know. It's a difficult, it's a difficult question because I, you know, early, when I went to, I went to NYU drama school. And I remember, I know, I'm bragging. No, that's fancy. It's very fancy. And then I, on one of the plays I was in, like you write your little buy and I was like, oh, I look forward to a long career in show business.

Like, I always wanted to be somebody who's like around a while, not just like. of flashing. So that like longevity, very important. That's definitely, you know, I act, I do stand up, I do the thing, I have an album coming out, the whole thing. You've got a lot of arrows in your, you've got a lot of arrows in your inquiry. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you do listen.

That's happening here. I seem like I haven't been paying attention to you at all this whole time, but I have it. It was my own thing. Right back at you. Oh my God. Stings. It stinks. It stinks. It hurts, doesn't it? It's smart. Smart.

Oh, my God. All right. I guess I can dish it out. Can't take it at all. Very tender. I'm learning something. Very tender. So, yes, there's part of me that, yes, I had such lofty dreams when I was starting out. I mean, crazy, delusional level. But did happen.

But you need to be delusional. Dreams should be delusional. You should be dreaming way beyond your capacity or you'll never even hit. Right, right, right. And that's where, that's delusion, the dreams are the place for delusion, you know what I mean? But there are people that have lived my delusional dreams. So it's not like it was unlike, you know. Like you wanted to fly.

Right, right, right, right. Oh, yeah, I want to be able to walk through a wall or something like that. So, like Ray Romano existed. So he had a very hit sitcom. It's the real, nice. Something to point to. Yeah, that guy. This has been done, guys.

This has been done. So, so when I came. to the realization that maybe that level of thing was not going to happen. And again, I learned early on, and this was just a great lesson, like, just to be on your own path. Like, try not, it's impossible not to, but try not to compare yourself to other people because they're on their own path and they're dealing with their own things. Yeah. And there's only one Wayne Federman. There really is. There's only one. You are unique in all the world. That is very true. I know, and so there's a lot of comedians going after a very limited number of things.

But so, so I'm beyond grateful to be doing stand-up still. Yeah. And that I, like, from the club, you know, just my whole journey has been great. Yeah. Has it fallen short of those insane delusional dreams? In some ways, yeah, but I mean, I'm not like, oh. Right. Oh, that was what a waste of time.

I should have been a salesman. I should have gone to, you know, school and been a lawyer. It's not even close. I'm thrilled. I'm in the business. I love the, I really like hanging out with comedians. Yeah. I mean, I know you don't.

No, I mean, you don't have time for it? I hate the time for it. But don't you love, like, just the vibe of it? I love it. I love it. And whenever it's happening, I'm like, oh, God, there's nothing like this. It's so specific to our culture. Yeah, yeah.

It's so specific. And it's fun, and we need it. each other. You know, it's just, there's so many intellectual levels to it that I love. So, I guess, if I'm being honest,

which is what this is about, right? Yeah, yeah. There was falling short, but I'm loving my, and I'm still, I'm on the Tonight Show in two weeks. Yeah, I mean, because it wasn't,

I don't want this to sound like, oh, poor me. No, and I don't even think that's why, because I feel like you can't be, what happens is you can't predict, you have a set of ideas. Right, right, right, right. That in so many ways are driven by what you've seen, what you're mimicking, you know, and you're dreaming big.

But there's just so many twists and turns in the path that you can't predict. Who could? You can't predict them, you know what I mean? No one could. And I know because for me, I had a set of dreams that I definitely fell short of. Oh, same thing. Yes, absolutely. You know, I mean, I, you know, I'm never going to be the lead, the love interest in a Spider-Man movie.

I think I've finally gotten over that. But what's interesting is that other things happened that were way beyond what I could have dreamed. You know what I mean? And I didn't even, I mean, I even like something like this podcast that didn't exist when I was a baby comic. And I couldn't even have ever. I know. You know what I mean? Like, and then what the enjoyment I get out of it, right?

You do. I don't make no money. Is so great. it's inexpressible. What about the money you're getting from Coca-Cola, from having me mention it? Well, they owe me. They better send me a check this minute.

But they're sending it all to the sound of AIDS. It's the real. Oh, my God. The can is like one of those red, you know, it's like the campaign against. But it's weird. It says, Share the sound of an AIDS-free generation.

But that makes no sense. Is that like someone having... Cheering? Chearing or... clapping. Is there an AIDS-free Is it the sound of somebody having sex with a condom? Is it that the sound of an AIDS-Gate? Can we just celebrate an AIDS-free

generation? Why the sound of it? It's just weird. Not the movement of it, not the joy of it, not the sense of a condom- What are you hearing? When you opened the, when you cracked the can, that was the sound of an AIDS-free generation.

Crazy. Okay, so yes, you have lots of exciting things happening. Yes, yeah, yeah. But, and I'll put some links on the website. But now it's time for self-inflicted wounds. Well, this is going to be... And you may have listened to one of the shows where the person was like,

and then I was disemboweled. Like, it can be whatever it is. This is going to be very soft. This is going to be soft. This is going to be soft and probably be disappointing. Yes. Better before a self-inflicted wound story than before sex, right? So that's a, yeah, that's not a disclaimer you want to hear.

That's usually the line at the bar. Look. It's going to be soft and disappointing. And she's like, yeah, man, you're in? Let's do it. Oh, my God. I loved that.

Okay. So, let's do it. That's the name of my blog. Soft and disappointing. My life dating women. The dating life will ain't better. By the way, that level of honesty would have to be enticing to somebody.

At least he's telling the truth. Right, right. He's vulnerable. It's so undersold. It's got to be at least a little better. Yeah, exactly. That's a win. All right.

Let me see. This happened to me. After I lived in Silver Spring, Maryland. And Martin Luther King, I don't know if you've heard of him, but there's a... He's got a street. He's got streets. A couple of middle schools. Yes.

Well, he was alive when I was a kid. He was just a guy. He was just a dude. He was just a dude. He was in the news. He's making speeches. He's doing things. You know.

I love it. Gets assassinated. I'm trying to, I want to say, April 4th, 1968. You're a much better black person than I. I couldn't even have ballparked it for you. Terrible. So he gets shot and I know exactly where I live.

So I live in Silver Spring. My dad's business was right over in Washington, D.C., where you're aunt. Yeah, my grandmother. Your grandmother, your grandmother. Well, your grandmother could tell you, the cities went crazy. Yeah. And there was riots.

Yeah, yeah. My dad's business, he was a pharmacist, my stepdad, got burnt, like, looted and the thing, the whole thing. Yeah. Bummer. So, yeah, that's, and that's the story. It's very sad. I told you it was soft and disappointed. Thanks, Martin Luther King.

So I am furious at Black people. To this day. Oh, God. I'm going to have to lie down after this. And I blame you, Ayesha. Yeah, that's why I wanted to come on this show. And for once. Finally get it now.

Tell a black person to do their face. What you did to me in early April, 1960. Oh, my God. Okay. So that happened. So we have to have the business. My dad is like, I can't have a pharmacy. So he worked for like a big store.

I think it was called Eckert Drugs for a little bit. But I was like, where can I go to sell prescription medication where there's a big market? So we moved the next year to Florida. Oh, wow. So I spent junior high school and high school in Florida. This is where this happens. Okay. Okay.

So now I'm in a place called, this is going to be racially insensitive to say it. Plantation, Florida. That is the name. It still exists. Thank God. could have been a lot more offensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It really was bracing myself.

But it was called Plantation, Florida. Okay. Okay, so that's where I lived. And in Plantation, Florida, I think I was maybe a year after there, my dream, I don't know. Again, I was into technology was to get this, like, mini reel-to-reel tape recorder. Yes. Just into it. Just like, what is that?

Like, not a cassette, little reel-to-reel thing. Yes. It seems very fancy. It seems like, you know, pro-sum. Yeah, yeah, no, no, but there was one, it was for $10, $10 on sale at this store called the Gold Triangle. So I ride my bicycle and there's like, that's all I wanted for Hanukkah. That's what I wanted.

This is the best story ever. So my mom is like, here, we're going to give you the money. You go buy it. Yes. That's going to be your main Hanukkah gift. Oh, and you get to go do it yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Empowered.

So I go to the Gold Triangle, I pick it out, I get in line, I get to the register, I don't have the money. I've lost, dropped the money. So I go to the manager, is there anyone that turned in $10? No. I go, can you, I'm like almost crying, can you make an announcement? And so he's like, I don't know. Kid, come on, 10 bucks is gone. And it's just, I go, please, maybe someone saw that.

He goes, attention, gold triangle shoppers. If there's anyone who found $10 bill, can you return it to register seven? And literally laughter. Like people are like, that's who is going to do. Give back money to a store. And so I was like, so anyway, so it's my fault. It's my fault. Yeah.

I go home on my bicycle. No tape recorder. This is heartbreaking. I know. I'm sorry. It's soft and disappointing. This gets bad. So I tell my parents, and they're like,

tell my mom, she's like, what did you do with the money? I was like, I don't know. I lost it. So that night, when my stepdad got home, I got, like, yelled at, and not yelled at, but, like, they thought I had spent

the money on drugs. Oh. Like, that was their thing. And so they had this whole, like, long lecture. about you were not going to give you any more money and the thing and you're not responsible. I was like, I just,

I don't, you know. Just dropped it. It just fell out of my pocket when I was riding my bike. And to this day, like, I'm pretty responsible. Like,

that's not happened at all. I can't. That's the first time that had ever happened in my childhood. Right. Like, I was so looking forward to it. And they're like, and it's punishment,

we don't know what to do for you lying to us about drugs and all of this. You're not going to get any Hanukkah gift. Oh, come on. Man. That's my story. Oh, that was heartbreaking. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That was heartbreaking. I know, I know, but it was self-inflicted. And it was self-inflicted. And then did you ever, were you ever able to, like, go back and resolve that with your parents? Like, like, I'm not high. I just dropped the 10 bucks. No, because I didn't really have, like, the verbal skills at that time to kind of like.

Like, wait, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No Hanuk a gift. They just thought, so in a sense, they just thought I was a liar. A liar. Wow. Like that's, that was the relationship.

Oh, did that persist? Like that they got suspicious of you? I mean, I guess as I got into high school and I was like, wouldn't come home high or, you know what I mean? So we're drunk or anything like that, I guess. But it was just, it was so devastating. I still remember, like, just the beats of that, like. Yeah. And that gold triangle doesn't even exist.

That store doesn't even exist anymore. That's because it was on Broward Boulevard, off Broward. It was a carmic result of the stores fault. People not returning your $10. And the worst thing it was, it was just like, it was my fault. It probably just fell out of your pocket when you're riding your bike. I know. I know.

Who knows? Dude. Who knows? Or I bought heroin. Or you shot up. It was a heroin act. And you came home and the needle was hanging out of your arm. You don't remember.

Can you imagine having a little tape recorder with a little microphone and being able to record and play it back? How great that would have been? I can. You have one. It's called a. I know. I know, I have it now. You've done it.

It's a memo. Many, many grades better. Many grades better than what. Voice memos. But that was self-inflicted wound. That was. This was such a fun conversation. Thank you.

I really enjoyed it. So did I. Thanks for coming on myself. I don't feel like that tired anymore. I know, right? You're up. You're finally awake. All right.

Now you can go out and embrace your day by getting back in bed. All right. Have a good day. Thank you. Bye-bye. That was Wayne Federman. I loved that. We got so existential.

I mean, I don't know, comedians are thoughtful people. That's a thing. They do a lot of thinking and pondering and mulling and digesting and dissecting. They're much more kind of digestive minds than you would think. And he was just such a thoughtful and lovely guy. And obviously, he had some peccadilloes. We all do. But I loved talking with him.

And we enjoyed, well, he enjoyed a Coke and I watched him enjoy a Coke. And really, what else is there? This has been Girl and Guy. You guys are the greatest. Come friend me and follow me online and say hi, Asia Tyler, Girl on Guy, encouraging stone, come send me a letter at the girlong guy.net. Click on the envelope and say hello. Please avail yourself of the wonders of the world.

Do not let the incidents of recent weeks get you down. There's nothing to being human, but to get out and live life. So I encourage you to do so. You are my army. You are sparkling. You are delightful. You are dazzling and you are Legion.

And I'll talk to you the next one. Late. Girl on Guy is a production of Hot Machine, blowing shit up since 2009.