Girl on Guy with Aisha Tyler - girl on guy 208: sarah burns

Episode Date: December 16, 2015

join sarah burns of how to get away with murder and the film slow learners and aisha as they wax both awkward and prolific about playing alone, dreaming big, living large, scene stealing and going toe to toe with viola. plus aisha and sarah plan on doing some day drinking. girl on guy has nowhere to be.

Today's episode of Girl and Guy is brought to you in part by Squarespace. Squarespace is the easiest way to create a beautiful website, blog, or online store for you and your fantastic ideas. Squarespace features an elegant interface, beautiful templates, and incredible 24-7 customer support. Try Squarespace at Squarespace.com and enter offer code Aisha at checkout to get 10% off. Squarespace, build it beautiful. This is Girl on Guy. Hey everybody, this is Girl and Guy 208. Welcome to this show. We are perilously close to the end of 2015. I hope looking back that it has been more positive than negative for you. And somehow when you do look back, generally, things do feel more positive than negative and are colored by the sweet lens of time and diminishing anguish. So I hope that you're looking back at 2015 in a positive way. And I especially hope that you're looking for it at 2016 in a highly positive way, as am I.

It's been a crazy year, it's been a good year, it's been a hectic year. Transcended in some ways and punishing in others, which I imagine is just the nature of being alive. But I hope that everybody is as optimistic as me about next year and what it holds. This is a great episode that I can't wait to bring you with a very interesting and funny lady. And so before I do, I will just say that you can come follow me and friend me and say hello online by going to ishthaler.com. The website has been down for a good amount of time this year because I had some technical problems, but you can always send me an email by going to Girlinacadnet, clicking on the envelope. And AishaTyla.com will be up and active very, very soon.

In the interim, you can always follow me and friend me on all of my many social platforms, including Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and Tumblr. All my declinations, all my handles are Aisha Tyler, Curgeonstone, and Girl and Guy. So come say hi. I will be very, very busy in the beginning of 2016, including. starting to make season four of whose lines it anyway, continuing work on criminal minds, and Archer Season 7 launches January 2016. So stay tuned for all that. And you can always see me every day on the talk on CBS. I have four series going right now and how I am still alive. I have

no idea. But part of the reason why I'm still existing and breathing in and out is because of you guys and your awesomeness and your support and your kindness. So thank you to all the letters that you sent me for the awesome listener question show. If you are writing a letter now or if you intend to write me a letter for the awesome listener question show. It is too late. That show is done and dusted and will post New Year's Week. So thank you so much for your support and affection, but I had to wrap it up and get that show done and posted. As you can see, as you can tell, if you're in a long time listening to the show, not all of the shows have gone up with Alacrity this year. I've been so buried that I'm trying to get some of the shows up early so that I can

be a human being. You know, I'm always striving to be a human being. That's my goal. I don't always get it right. But that is what I'm always shooting for, is to be more human. And part of that is relaxing a little bit more. So that show is gone. If you haven't written me a letter, it is too late to do so. Well, you can always write me a letter. And it's never too early to write me for the 2016, awesome listener question show. So send it on. And I will squirrel it away until December of next year, which seems like a lifetime, literally a light year away. All right. This episode is with the hilarious and brilliant actress Sarah Burns, who you probably know best, from the HBO show Enlightened and most recently from the massive hit show, How to Get Away with Murder, where she plays assistant district attorney Emily Sinclair. And she's sensational in it. And if you're not watching that show, I suggest you watch it. I love that show. I think the first season was only like 10 or maybe 13 episodes. So you could catch up on this in one very effective weekend. You could be completely caught up with how to get away with murder,

which I think is just dazzling in and of itself, just for the performance of Viola Davis, but everyone else in it is great, and it is a blast to watch. She's also been in a bunch of movies. I love you, man, going the distance, life as we know it, and Flat of the Concordes. That's not a film at the television show, party down. But she has a movie out right now entitled Slow Learners,

which you can watch right now on iTunes. and I'm sure some other on-demand-type locations, but it's a hilarious, odd, dry, lovely romantic comedy, and she's so funny and so interesting as you will find out when you listen to her. She's so great. We didn't know each other, but we really hit it off. And, you know, I'm hoping that we hang out more

because I think she's pretty great. This conversation is sensational, and it is coming at you right now. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Girl on Guy 208, with the hilarious actress and comedian Sarah Burns coming at you straight out of the girl and guy bunker and right into your face. I'm going to record this because I'm just so interested.

I'm sorry, and I'm like making you chat while you're talking. No, no, no, I know. I know. I love talking. That's why I have this show. So your camera will take a picture of your credit card and then import all your information into your phone and then just you go like to the Trader Joe's

you just hold your phone up to the little thing, and then you just put your finger on the little boop, and then it pays. It's really everything. That's very exciting. It's going to be terrible for drunk shopping. Oh, for sure. And eventually we'll all,

our identities you'll be stolen, I'll be living in, like, breaking rocks for the government. Like, you know. But I'm like, oh, but I need to pull my wallet out. But I also feel like, and I'm sure where, like, all a ride that is will be stolen. And the only comfort that I have, is that hopefully they're kind of paying attention to being secure.

But then also I kind of feel like there's so, there'll be so much information that like the likelihood that it'll be your identity stolen is hopefully really low. I don't know. And no one needs my identity. I'm not going to enhance anyone's existence. They'll be like, I stole service identity and my life went down. No, no. She sucks.

I was raging in Van Nu. I was like partying so hard. I went from like a visa. to Van Nuys. And now my life sucks. I hate my life. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just got to be so many credit card numbers out there, like floating in the ether that just, let's just hope that it's like what in a billion

that it's in line. They're going to want some major dude. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. They want, they want, I don't know, like David Geffen. Somebody with, yeah. Recurring, like, occasional, like, walk on under five.

Scene stealing, scene stealing, guest star. Before we talk about all the magical things you're doing right now, you came in and you were saying you thought that this was a great way to do business. And I wanted, I literally, this is so self-in-well involved. I literally saved it for the show so you could pay me a compliment. It's very, I mean, I love it. You have four levels of booze. Yeah.

The top levels, no, the fifth level, accessible by a ladder. Yeah, you have to get a climb up a ladder to get to the top of my bar. This is fantastic. So by way of explanation, because I feel like people come in and they're like, oh, she's an alcoholic, which is neither here nor there. I point out that most of the bottles in this bar full. It's not like, it's not like, it's not like there's like a stream of empties. Yeah, if you were an alcoholic, I would, I would think there would be a full, like an empty case. Yeah.

Like one bottle like weird. The thing that I don't want to drink, the one thing. Yeah. Yeah. And then my recycling bag is like clinkly, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like my house. But people, and maybe like mine, you haven't seen my recycling. But also it was like I felt what I was going to say to you was what I said I wanted to say for the show was I was like, oh, I'm,

a grown-up and I want to have like a grown-up office with a grown-up bar in it. And that way when someone comes over if they want to drink, and depending on the time of day or the level of commitment of my guest, I have made drinks for people at varying times of the day. That's rad. Which it feels super grown-up. Like I can make any drink. I like that. I really like, I like, I have a tiny little, I don't have like a, I'm just moved a couple of months ago and so I don't have like a bar car. I'm obsessed with bar cards. And I keep like looking. I'll show you a cute one before you go that I kind of might buy. But you keep thinking this is the cart, but then you can't commit because you feel like there might be a better one out there.

Yes, yes. And Etsy's a good place to look for park cards. Etsy's good. And my friend Janie told me about a place, not first dibs, but something where you can like, I'm going to say small down. I'm using a simpsons term. It's a word. It's a thing.

And she's using hand gestures. It's utterly clear what she means to me. Ever since like a Simpsons episode where they said something about smalling something down, I don't know. Where you can kind of hone where you want it. So you can say like lower, like Southern California. or whatever. Oh, right. So you could actually obtain it locally. Yeah. First dibs. But I don't know what the thing is called, so I shouldn't even talk about it because I can't even say anything. It's called smalldown.com. Smalldown.com. For some dibs I'm obsessed with because, so for people out there who don't sit up late at night with insomnia shopping or fake shopping or whatever it is that I do on them on the internet. First dibs is like all antiques and stuff like that. It's like for rich people. It's a website for rich people. Like beautiful gilded stumps. Yes. Yes. You need a trade.

Like, I need it. Oh, my God, what I don't have this? By the way, price of problem request. Yeah. You can't afford this gold stump now. But if you have to ask, you can't afford it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love looking at it.

It's like, you know, a Halston dressed in the 60s or gold cufflings. I don't know, that Louis XVI used to wipe his ass or something like that. You don't know. I mean, there's always going to be a party or something. You never go. Especially this is so adult, this is so like, refined. Thank you. I have a cabinet with like, you know, some lily and I feel like.

Lillet is all. Lillet is like the gateway booze to being fancy. Like I feel like when you buy one, if you buy one bottle of any appertif, like if it's Campari or yeah, Lillet, then you're like a fair nebranca.

Oh yes. Welcome to the universe. You're a fucking adult now. I like the stuff that may or may not be delicious. People say they like it, but I don't think it tastes good, but I have it anyway. I had something in my cabinet for a while

that was like a black liqueur and it tasted like violet. Because I like the idea of like drinking something black. Oh, yeah. And it was like, it was like creme de violette? Was it that? Yeah, yeah. It was good. It was like, every time one of my, this may sound morbid, but anytime one of my, like, somebody would die. Yeah, like a kitty or a dog. Oh, my God. I made that as a joke, but it's true. But it's true. It's like a nice little memory. And then you have like, you have like the sweet Lydia or like the golden, you know, like somebody would get a drink. Yeah. I did learn that like if you're going to drink a sweet Lydia, you should only have two because any more than. two and you have a terrible hangover. Yeah, you know, that's a good practice generally. And I always feel like there's this, there's like a little hammock between like one and four.

So like, because you go and you say, I'm going to have one or two. If you have one, you'll have one. But if you have two, you'll have four. Like at the second, because after the second, a third seems like a great idea. And then you're like, yeah, I'm in. I'm in. I'm like, so, this is delicious. My lipstick needs to be thicker and like outside of my lips.

My more eye shadow. I'm sexy. This is working. Yeah, everybody's welcome. I'm here. So working. Can you take a nap for 20 minutes? There's that thing where you're sipping and it's delicious.

And then end of drink two, but hermating drink three, you're like this is a beverage. It's like a glass of juice. I need another olive. That's why I'm a four. Yeah, I mean like, you know, martinis and breasts like two's, one's not enough, three is just weird.

Right. But I've done three. Yeah, yeah, three is seems. I'm very bad with one. wine. Like how? Well, like, oh, you know, I've done this a lot. Pour a glass of wine. It's the end of the bottle. Yeah. The day before. And you're like, oh, chuck it. Open another bottle. I'll have a glass and a half. It'll be fine. And then I'm towards the end of the bottle. And then you think I should just finish this one as well. This is bullshit. If I leave it, I'll be in the same problem tomorrow.

It's going to be oxidized. It's going to be oxidized. And then I, like, oversliping and eat a burrito and throw up at the gym. So, like, it's just like this continuous cycle of like, of awesome. I'm fine. And like, what is a bottle of wine like, sugar calories for like three weeks or something? It's all of his sugar for your entire adult life. Why have a giant belly? I don't get it.

But there is something about wine where you just think that this is like a condiment. Like, it's not a food life. It's not sugar. It's just like a, this is a food enhancer. It doesn't really have any value other than to make my meal more delicious. It's like salt. To make me more interesting. Salt doesn't have calories.

Yeah, yeah. It's great. Come on. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's augmentation. So we were talking, and then we'll go back to the beginning,

about the fact that I want to do this now, though, because you were saying that you went to college in San Francisco and that you loved it there. And we were both talking about how we were, like, kind of trying to find a way to love L.A. And I love it now. I love L.A. now. I mean, not, like, the way that I love San Francisco.

There's something magnetic or electric. It's like you're either wired for San Francisco or you're a fucking ass. Yeah. Like, I just get, I stood on. the ground and it was like, mm-hmm. Yeah, it's such an interesting place. It's like our Paris. I always say that. I feel like it's, it's arty and robust and it's like not perfect, but it's also, I think, like, manageable as a city. Like you can get around the whole thing relatively easily. And it's super gentrified now. Everybody's rich. And I was in a bar the other day up there.

And it was like a bar, it was around the corner from like Twitter, the Twitter and Square headquarters. So there were literally like, it was like an ant-hill of 23-year-olds wearing backpacks. Right? Like just streaming out of every hole of the bar. Stock options. Stock options and like free range like turkey jerky or whatever. I don't know what those people eat. And rolling on those like hover around. Quilex.

Yeah. Quail legs. Harylix. They're all off paleo. And like on those skateboard things that are like, yeah, those hoverboard things. Too old. I'm super old. I know.

I actually like tried riding one of those wearing vans skate shoes. Yeah. I was like, I got it. It was a horror. It was a horror. No? I was like, whoa, whoa. I just held on my friend Lauren

I just like that you had the right footwear Like you're prepared But I like now no longer have the right to wear them No no See okay all right Let's talk about that I feel like there's a hole where you can't And then you can again

So there's like 18s and 20s you can Then maybe 30s you can't And then just come back to it Just come fucking back to it And you're like I'm fucking old and we're in fans Totally I walk around in like shoelace Like laceless converse That is like my go to footwear now

I don't give a fuck that this is a 17-year-old boy's shoe. I'm wearing it. I love, I guess, too, because for an actress, you have to kind of shave down your edges. And then one day, a couple years ago, I was like, you know what? Maybe they won't hire me, but I don't want to look like a mommy. No.

Rolling around, like, whatever. You know, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with me. But, like, you know, I just... There's a little bit wrong. No, I'm sorry, that's a terrible thing. Why do I say that? No.

If you're listening, mothers, we want to talk to you. A terrible human being. Things come out of everything. vagina. God bless you. I'm terrible. I'm terrible. I agree. I agree. We're a bad person. Terrible people. But I do, but I also think like maybe, and I wonder if you feel this way, if it, that, I don't say confidence, although I think that's a good word. It's just you get a little older as an actor and as a human being and you just start to realize that like, I want to be a fully rounded person on my own. I want to, I don't want

to constantly be this chameleon because like buried in that is, and not meaning that you don't transform when you get on set, but just in your life. Like this is who I am. I'm sick of fucking worrying about like, I think I like me if I'm like this. Do I have a commercial looking shirt for television auditions? Like, oh, Jesus Christ. The worst. Yeah. And you just feel like you can be perfect.

Like I know from at one point like casting something when I like had a pilot and be on the other side that you can come in and be perfect and still not get the job for things that have nothing to do with you and your magical TV friendly shirt that you wore. Yeah, you're wearing the blue shirt and everybody finds it like just fine. but unoffensive, not too, you know, not too much of a statement piece. The person that goes in before you could do something so outlandish insane. Everyone's like, I don't even know what that part is anymore. I just like this person. Exactly. Or like, I just remember, I think I told this story once on the show before, but we had somebody,

we had like four or five people come in and read for the same part. And they were, we had a lot of people, like four or five people that were all great. All of them were great. Like it was literally like, oh, that guy did this worse or better. They were all great. It was just in the end, this one guy was the guy. And we had hired any of the people that would have been equally wonderful. But everybody just agreed, this guy was the guy.

For whatever reason, ineffability, or everybody agreed, oh, that was the picture I had in my head. And it freed me so much as an actor because I was like, fuck it. I just going to go in and do the thing I do. And either they want it or they don't want it. It's really neat when you're finally like, hey, well, because I did it once for, actually, for this movie Slow Learners. And I was just a person reading with people coming in. And it was nerve-wracking. Because I could see, you know, do I do that when I?

You know, how do I make them so? So comfortable so that they can do their best. Yeah. Because you know what it feels like to be on the other side of that. I'm not as nervous. Like I used to, I'm in the first audition I ever went on. I remember being like, oh, like so nervous. Now I'm like, hey, it's fun.

Yeah. A lot of these people are my friends or colleagues. And, you know, there's only, I don't think I've had any experiences over the last couple of years where someone has been like rude or shut me down. I'm like, oh, God, I'm going to hate my life. You know. Okay, right now, though, let's do it. What is the worst audition that you've ever been on? Can I say his name?

Yeah. Fuck yeah. I went, oh, the worst. Oh, there's a couple. There's one. Whoever you're about to name, I'm already married to that story. Well, I did go in once and I auditioned for an Adam Carolla show to be his wife. And he never looked up from his Blackberry.

And there was a moment where I almost was like, hey, bud, you good? I was like, I can't do that because he could be having a bad day or bad life or, you know, Or, and I didn't want to screw with the casting of a director of brother. Because she's like, I'm representing her. Right. But I was so close to be like, you get somewhere to be, buddy, because you're welcome. It just like pissed me off. I vote.

I vote for B, for Colum B. But I will say this and I'm not defending Adam. I will say this. I have like, I used to, I used to guest on his radio show and I also. He never makes guy contact with anyone. That's what I've heard is that he used to. It's not you. No, no, no, no.

Like, I used to do Love Line with him. And Adam, God bless you, you know, I love you. He, he, and, and we. And we, just me and him and Dr. Drew in a radio studio. And he would talk with his eyes completely closed. So eye contact is just a thing for Adam. Like I think as he's gotten older, he's actually gotten better at it. But like, if you and I were talking and I was talking to you with my eyes closed the entire time.

Just it's so good having you here. I wonder what that's all about. You know, so that's good. Not an eye contact guy. I get, I get, I'm nice, but sometimes I get like, what, did you? What? where this guy the other day in the airport I was like, hey, could you move your bag so I can

sit here and he's like, you can just sit there you know, I'm only going to be here for another second and I was like, okay, why don't we just sit across from each other? Some people are fucking assholes. And he couldn't, he like wasn't able to finish his cascadia, he got up. I obviously upset him so much. And then I was like, well, fuck that guy. He's being a slob, but also I was like,

what if he's like having a terrible day? And I just called him an asshole. I don't know. Like, I feel like I can see both of the things. Do you know what you mean? Like, I was like pro-my. Fuck you ass. But then I was like, ooh, I had kind of like remorse.

So I'm glad I didn't call Adam Crowla because he might have been like, oh, I'm, I am making eye contact with you in my way. Because you never know what the person is going through. You don't. I mean, that's kind. I think that's a kind way to look at the world. And by the way, like I was saying those things about Adam to pick for people who might think that he's had, they've had experiences. He's rude. That's his thing.

He just doesn't look at people. But yeah, that's a kind way of movement through the world, which I feel like I try to do, because I feel like empathy a lot of times helps you even more than the other person. It's just like you, it helps diffuse your own anger. Yes, it does. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Oh, okay. Oh, he's having a bad guy.

He's having a bad guy. Who knows if he just got out of a relationship or is. Someone just told him he looked like shit or, hey, you're fat. And he's like, he's like, poor guy. He wasn't, I don't think he was, I don't remember what he looked like physically, but he was like a person. Yeah. Someone could have just made him feel like shit.

he could be heading home to a funeral. You have no idea. But I thought he was just a guy who was taking up a lot of space and was like, shut up, girl. I'm keeping. It could have also been that. That's my point. It also could have been that. And then I sometimes do the thing where I wonder, because I do think, like I said, empathy is always better for you.

It's always good for you because then you just, if you move through the world with kindness, sorry, I'm about to sound like fucking meditation like pamphlet that somebody threw you at the airport. But it just, it like softens like your own experiences, right? Because you're just not pissed all the time. However, I think if I. I was sitting in a place and taking up three or four seats and someone said, hey, can I sit here? I would probably just move my shit no matter how bad my day was because I would feel embarrassed that I was taking up two or three seats. And I would never go. If I did, if I was like, hey, I need this other seat because I have like human proximity disorder.

I would say that. Oh, sorry, I can't sit. You know, I got to have. Close to people who makes me crazy or I'm having a really shitty day. Would it be okay? Do you mind? Yeah. I feel like there's a million other answers.

Because a lot of people will understand. that they'll like, hey, I get you. You're having that. I'm going to have that day tomorrow. Right. I'm already. That's my whole life. I've burst into tears like publicly more places than I'm like, listen, I have mental problems. No, sometimes crying in public is

interesting. Like I try very hard not to cry at work, although I'm always crying on TV. They call me cryisha. Yeah. I have a lot of feelings. They're all. And then I think like I think recently as an actor I decided. I cryisha is my awful. I just as an actor. I should just be feeling stuff.

Like, if I feel stuff, I should just let my feelings out. That's a good thing to have as an actor. Like, get them right up again. I got to keep it at the surface. Right, the surface, man, right at the surface. Like, right here, like, under my chin. Just, ugh. That was actually something that, like,

Joey's character on Friends said. And I quoted it all the time. And I'm, like, I got to keep myself with it. I quoted it last time. I was like, always at the surface. Something like, he was like, anyway. But do you know what I mean? Like, kind of that idea of, like, oh, let it out.

Like, it's good to, like, you have access to that stuff. Makes you, you know, crazy. Crazy. You look fucking nuts. And then, but I try not to cry in, like, places where I would obviously undermine my own authority. You know, like, when I'm, like, berating somebody for a bad job or, you know, whatever.

Like, you. Demanding more money. How do you do that? Because I, I know sometimes I get angry and I feel like, if I speak right now, I will cry. Totally. And I cannot. And it's just because I'm a crier before I'm, like, a fist thrower. Right.

You know, I can, like, shut people down verbally. Right. You know, I'm not like a physical. Right. just so powerful. It's such a powerful emotion. And I'm also an angry cryer. I do less angry crying now than I ended when I was younger. But I remember like once like having a sexist professor in college and I felt like I couldn't say anything. And I left the clock and I went into the next room and I was like, because I was so fucking pissed. I'm going to give you my, not sad. Just enraged. And it comes out of tears. And you're like, and you're like, and you would give them so much delight. Right. If you cried. Oh, they'd love it. So much satisfaction. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to give you your period. Yeah. You know that to bleed out of your. out of your anus. About to give you a booty period.

But there was something about all, oh, but crying in public, there is something interesting about it. I wonder if you feel this way. And maybe I'm a little crazy too, but this is interesting. This is like a new thing for me, which is crying in public feels like you have like this interesting secret.

And I, so sometimes when I'm like, God, like all these other people are robots, but like I'm feeling shit right now. I'm in it, guys. I'm feeling, I'm in the middle of, right? I'm in the weeds. I'm feeling this.

shit, this is human life. I'm going to have your grilled cheese sandwich at the melt. I'm going to cry right now. You don't know why. You're going to wish you know. You can tell my story tonight. You're all automaton's. You feel nothing, but I'm alive.

I'm alive. What's up, flesh, Madigan? I saw a girl once on the subway when I lived in Brooklyn, and she was sitting on one of those seats at the end with her art, like her art portfolio. And she was holding it, and she was just crying, like, uh, and. just tears, just like not hiding it just. And I was like, oh my God, she probably just went to the big magazine and showed her stuff and they rejected her. Your cat is sick.

And like, I was like, I wanted to hug her. You know, you see like a woman crying and you want. I have not seen too many guys crying on the street. But like, and not to be sexist, but I'm just thinking of like, you want to immediately help and be like, I'm here too. I'm sure the woman would be like, get away from me. You smell like body odor. I don't want to talk to you.

But, like, you want to, and see me like, I know you. It's like babies when they see another baby crying, right? They mean they kind of sympathetically cry. But there is a thing of like, oh, God, yeah. Like, here we are, like being human, right? Like, this is it. You feel shit. And why is it shameful?

I don't know why. Like fighting. I think fighting on the street, you know, like with your partner, like, if you're just like, yeah, I don't fucking, you know, and it's okay. Like, I feel like there becomes a, not a physical fight, but like, you know, if you have a meltdown. Yeah. Especially in New York, like, it's like there's a, I think that there's like this like world, like this bubble around you.

Like people allow you the space to kind of go crazy. I know if someone, my rule though, is if someone is fighting or fucking on the street, I can stop and watch them. Like if people are like fully agree with you. And I'm so glad you articulated a rule that I had in my head but hadn't quite put into words. I walk by this couple the other night. I had gone to get sushi and I walked by that was near my office and I like was walking back. And this couple came out of this. It was like a concert.

hall and they, man, and she was dressed in a party dress, like a full-on party dress, like it was two-to, sticking out, tights, heels, cleavage. He was in a suit. He was wasted. And he was screaming at her like, no, fuck you, fuck this. You just fucking lied to my face. You just outright lied to me. And she was like, I lied to you because, you know, they're listening to me. And he was going crazy, right? And it was like, it felt violent to me. It felt a little violent. Like he wasn't hitting her, but his, like, intense. He was drunk enough. that he's kept saying the same thing over and over again too, which I hate when someone's just like, you did this. And she's like, well, I did it because, you know, you have, don't wish in her.

She seemed soberer than him. She seemed super like together to me. But what I really wanted to do, this is an adjunct. This is like a, this is like a subset of your rule. And what I actually did do was I walk right and I went, dump him, dump him, leave him. I said it was like, and then I was like, oh, they're going to go both jump on me immediately and beat me up. Because that's what she might have needed to hear that. Because I mean, first of all, like, even if he's a great guy, that's pretty dark. It felt really like ugly. Like it didn't feel like even if he was mad at her for something she did.

He wasn't like, oh, you hurt me. Oh, like you don't trust me. He was just like essentially some verbal intonation that would imply like you're a piece of shit. Yeah. And he's humiliated her in public so he doesn't really respect her. No. He's getting super super, not that I haven't been wasted and carried out. Oh, who hasn't?

Bugs Bunny. You know, like the dude dripping on my head and like throwing up everywhere. I'm not perfect. But, you know, he's like, wasted screaming at her. She put her time in that night. Yeah. Oh, yeah, she did.

To-to-dress, the heels, and the cleavage, all of it. Putting on tights, you guys, that's hard. It's hard. It's like an effort. I never put it up in that dress?

Dude, seriously. And she didn't even need the spanks in that dress and she put them on anyway. See, she's a, first of all, she's better than him. She is better than him. You know why she's better than him?

Because she was, she was maintaining eye contact with him and speaking to him calmly while he was like flipping the fuck out. Like he was like, you essentially like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I hate you. And she was like, here's why I'm doing this. And I'm, you're mad right now and I understand. And like, can we just take it down?

And he's like, no, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I just feel like if you could just, and she was making, I would have, I mean, I would have walked away. I would have taken my spanks over to like, you know, the griddle cafe and gotten pancakes. Yeah. Yeah. But then here was what was, here was the thing that indicated that he was a prick. And if it, guys, by the way, I'm not beating up on men. If it was the other way around, I'd be saying this about the girl, he made eye contact

with me, at which point, anyone should have been utterly. humiliated at the way they were behaving. Like, you know what I mean? Like, if I was like screaming, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking. And then they saw me look at them and like, dude, like, super inappropriate. He didn't stop. He didn't know. He just doubled down. Do you think then he was also trying to like, like if he's humiliating her, he's also trying to intimidate you. Like, look what I don't. Possibly. I mean, he felt, he felt super, either he felt super righteous in that moment or he just felt like, um, I don't care about the consequences of this behavior because I'm just in this moment being like this furious with,

But I just was like, I feel like in any couple, it's one thing if you have a fight and you're both like, no, I feel like this and I feel like that and you haven't listened to me and blah. That's one thing. That's like an egalitarian. Like we're both in this together. But if someone's just berating another person on the street, like a tyrant. Male or female, like the other person just needs to fucking bounce. Yeah. Because they don't respect you at all.

They're not, yeah, and it's not going to get better. Especially like you set up, you need to set up in a part, like a relationship like we're partners. We're equals. We're a team. We do it. Sometimes you fuck up, sometimes you fuck up. You don't hate, you don't punish the person. person for the rest of their lives because they did something stupid. Right. But if, if somebody is

always the dominating or the controlling, that's, that's not going to change. No. No, that's not. No, that's not going to change. You do, you do know. And that, like, it's that behavior, like, really, that it's, like, really revelatory about a person, right? When they're, like, super shitty to you, like, super shitty to you, even when they're drunk. I don't mean, like, a little shitty, like, they lash out a little bit, or they're selfish or they're, you know, they say something passive aggressive. But when someone's just, like, treating you, like, Like gum. Yeah.

You know? Dude. I don't know. We just gave people advice, didn't we? Guys, it's free today, but we're charging next time. First one's free. Yeah. You'll be that.

You'll be that. Let's do the thing where we start at the beginning. Okay. Yeah. So where were you born? I was born. I'm from Long Island. Okay.

I was born in Rockville Center. Oh. Very exciting. John Jett lived in my town for a while. Hmm. I was very cool. She actually like came. to my school one day to pick up a kid, I think,

the story was, I don't know if this true or not, was that maybe she was working on an album or something, but her manager lived in my town. So she picked up her manager's kid, and I stood next to her on the street. She was wearing red Reeboks. Oh, my God. I was like, oh, my God, it's Joachette.

So that's basically the most exciting thing that happened. In that moment where you're like, I'm going to be in the entertainment business, someone to be John Ched? I was just like, Red Reeboks. Whoa, shit! Rock and roll!

I probably wasn't even thinking beyond like, how do I cross street? I never, I mean, I wanted to be an actress kind of the way any kid wants to be like everything great. Right, right.

But I was shy. Like ballerine astronaut, cowboy actor. Yeah, all of the above. I want to like be a star in the sky. You know, I wanted it at all. And I did kind of like, you know, perform. I'm an only child, so I had like a natural stage with two, you know, terrified and enthralled humans watching me every breath I took. But I did kind of pursue it when I was around 12 or 13.

My mother found like a local like kids manager. Yeah. And I went on a few auditions, but she was so worried that I was just going to be crushed if I was rejected as a kid. And so she kind of, and then I was like 14 years old and I went to like, went to a fur protest. And I'm... Cool. Oh, you're very enlightened as a kid. I was like, yeah.

And my mom was like, you're going to be cold. I was like, mom, I can't wear my combat boots to a, to like a fur protest. So I wore like converse sneakers. I was freezing. Well, you're like leather free. Yeah, I was like, oh, shit, I'm going to call out. There was three of us there. There were three people there.

And, um, but some guy, like, gave me his business card. And I was like, I think I would like to take photos of you. And I think you'd be a model. Then he came and met with my mother, which is crazy. It is crazy. I mean, not that you couldn't be a model, but just that it was like a guy to fur protest and then he came to your house.

There's no way, there's no world. There's like no plane of existence where like I'm a model. But it's just like, no. Like, I'm good. But like walking down the runway, like no. But my mother then was like, no, I just think it could end up very strange.

Like she prevented that. Right. Were your fear, her fears for you, her own or yours? Like, were you a shy kid or were you a kid who was easily bruised? Or was this just your mom just like super protective of you? I think my mom being protective. She talked to her friend of her. She was working in like a law firm at the time just as like a, um, um, in the administrative part. And she spoke to the, the lawyer who ran the company. And he was like, yeah, you know, this is pre-internet, but he was like, this is the kind of thing that like her face could

end up on someone else's body and it could be weird. He just kind of scared. My mother's more, Mom, I love you to bits, and this is not, but she would probably agree with me. I mean, if she wouldn't, I'd strong arm her into. Well, you and I'll hold her down. She's tiny, so I can overpower her. But she's more fearful of things. Like, you know, I went in college, not to say I'm fearless, but I went to San Francisco to college and, like, tried this crazy thing for a living.

And, like, thanked my parents for my college education by becoming an actress. Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. You and me both. Yeah, exactly. Thanks for putting me through school. That's going to be a clown. Yeah, I want to make people giggle with pit stains. But, you know, she was, I guess she's smart.

Sometimes I'm like, oh, shit, I wish I'd started earlier. But the other part of me is like, I got an education. No, no, no, no, no. I don't regret it at all. Yeah, I think you're more. At least for me, like, I'm more, I've got to learn about, like, whatever the fuck I learned about in college on a six-year plan I took, bomb hits and glitter, you know, but like, I did, like, so you can

bring that to your work and stuff and like I have experiences and people outside of this universe of Hollywood. So I'm thankful for that. There's been times where I'm like, shit, I could have started when I was in. But what life would you have left? No, no. And look, I think that there are people in the entertainment business who started super early. I mean, and I'll name check her.

I don't think she'll be offended. But like, for example, like Sarah Gilbert, who started really, really young, right? But then she left to go to. She got like a crazy awesome education. She went to Yale. Oh, yeah. And but she left. I mean, she was like, it's super important to me to go to Yale.

And I feel like what it gave her, and I know what it gave me, and I'm sure what it gave you, is like this sense of yourself, like you said, outside of this business, which means that, like, as soul-crushing and kind of disappointing and confidence-wrecking as this business could be, you have an identity that has nothing to do with your identity as an actor. And you understand the world in a different way. Like, you know, in the most practical way, like, yeah, like, if this went away, like, I know I could do 100 other things. I know I have value that has nothing to do with my face or my body.

You know what I mean? Whereas I think a lot of people, like, you know, they started to say, you know, they started 1618 and it's about their looks and then yeah they're they and they don't have any interest outside of the business and they get super well and like look there I think there are plenty of self-possessed people when I went to college I'm not saying that but I just feel like this business can really turn you into this um like a mirror so like you're just always like like am I okay am I okay and if you're not getting like people are telling you how to be you need direction you don't know to make yeah you go into a west down and you're like I don't know what what's someone telling me

I need to know what rug to buy well that's my life but or Or then, like, you're one of these people who, like, when they go on vacation, they have to be photographed. And I'm not going to name any people, but they're, like, some people who, like, can't go on a vacation. Like, they only go to, like, a place in Mexico they know has, like, Pop Frazzi hanging down the beach. Because, like, no part of their life is meaningful if it's not being, like, recorded. Yeah, like, if it's not on Instagram, it didn't happen. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah, that's, see, that's, like, a Rashida Jones.

I worked with her, and she's fantastic because she has an insane, she's such a brain. She's wonderful, like, as an actress, but she's a producer. and she's a writer and she's went to Harvard. And she's just a complex person. Yeah, and she's not just like, yeah, your first concert, Rashid, is like, my God, she's so gorgeous. It's incredible. But spend 10 minutes with her and like she's a full human.

Or like Natalie Portman, you know, she took off and went to school. Right. I just saw that Sarah Gilbert and Linda Perry just an album of there just came out. Yeah, they did a children's album. It's super sweet. I know. It's adorable. Get some kids and get that album.

Right? Yeah. Like Mary of Rockstar. and who has like, you know, like ganglion tattoos and is a genius. And then write like a children's album. That's like how you want to do it. Yeah. Did Linda Perry sing Joey?

Am I making that up? I have no. I actually only know things that Linda's done recently. And then her big hit from Four Non Blancs. Yeah. I'm a terrible friend. Well, I'm going to tell them when I leave here. I'm going to send them an email.

I don't know them, but I'm going to tell them. Just let them know. Don't text them. I feel like I hope I'm not, there's this a beautiful song. I'm attributing it to her. She literally has written so many fucking hit songs. Like it's not even, like essentially like, you know, Christina Aguilera is beautiful.

Like all these huge ballads like she wrote. She's a massive producer. Well done. Sarah. Yeah. Sarah. Yeah. Nice.

Nice. I knew there. Sister. What was the point of that lovely run? I don't even know how we got. Oh, about being an artist and going to college. And you were talking about your mom. So, so this is so interesting because.

I feel like people react to different ways to parents who are fearful. And one is they become fearful like their parents. And the other one is they're like, fuck this noise, I'm running away. So obviously you had the second reaction. But were you a brave kid? Were you always a brave person? I think actually when I look back, I was like in a fuzz. If that makes any sense, like, I don't really, I mean,

I don't really remember being too bummed. I wasn't the most, even though I'm like a while, like, I'm a performer now, I wasn't a performer then. I didn't, like, I wasn't popular. I wasn't, like, I wasn't picked on. I had presence of mine to, like, seek out kids who I felt were picked on. I was talking to this girl once.

I was, like, sitting with a group of kids, and they were making fun of this one girl, and she was there, and she was like, this is so cool. But they were like, oh, she pees in her pants. She smells like pee. And I was like, no, she doesn't. No, she doesn't.

And I looked at her, and she was like, yeah, I do. Oh, wow, balzy. And I was like, she's fucking girl. Yeah, she's on it. She's like, I'll own it. She's like, yeah, I'm going to my pants. What do you want about it? And she did.

Like, I just felt like, you know, like, so I wasn't, I didn't feel like, I'd never felt like, these kids are making fun of me. I have to go home and like, you know, I just kind of, I had friends. I don't, like, I'm trying to remember. Maybe I've blocked out some major trauma, but like, I don't. I wonder that about my childhood is sometimes. Like, why not remembering the way that it happened? Yeah, it's possible.

Yeah. It was fine. Like, there were problems, but, like, my dad is, I think the reason why my mom can be, like, my dad's aggressive. Like, he's, like, the Tasmanian devil. And they've been together for, like, 45 years. Impressive. Insane.

Like, I've said this before, and this is not my line, but, and I would say this to my dad, my mom fell on a grenade for the rest of the human race. She, like, took him out of the dating pool. That is not my line, but I love it so much, so I'm using it. But, um, I don't know. I don't feel like I had a very remarkable childhood. Like I had cats and a best friend across the street, a best friend around the corner and like an overactive imagination.

I was constantly terrified that like Titans would come step over like the houses and like rip me apart as I like walked away from my best friend. Like you know that kind of maybe I was insanely imaginative. Oh, you know, I mean there's nothing a bit of beta balkers won't help it. Yeah, yeah. It's something like some drugs that I think is. Just a few months. Now I would probably be mandated.

Yeah. How did that, how did that like imaginary life, did that manifest itself in certain ways? Did you play alone? I mean, even though you had friends, did you play alone a lot? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I still do. I still, like, I, a long time really recharges me.

Mm-hmm. Because I do, like, take on a lot of other people, like, especially going to work and you can interact with 80 people in a day. And, you know, then I take it on and I, like, focus. Sometimes sometimes I'm probably not as focused. I could be, but, you know, I do kind of really truly engaged with a person I'm talking to as best I can. And so I like a long time, but when I was little, I was happy to be in my room. There was, like, you know, a colony of people living in the mold, like in my imagination.

Yeah, oh, totally. And, like, you know, I had an imaginary friend. Oddly, my imaginary friend was named Sarah, which is kind of meta. Super meta. My grandfather was like, who you talking to? I was like, oh, my friend. He was like, What's your name, Sarah? Like, I'm talking to myself. Like, I'm fully aware of my own limitation. Super aware of what's going on. It's me.

I've created a, I've created a version of myself, psychosomatic version of myself, who is responsive and she's better than I. She's interesting. She's super me. Yeah. But that, yeah, I don't know. Did that make sense as an answer?

Or did I just spin out into insanity? No, it was brilliant. It was perfect. Yeah. No, totally. No, I mean, it's like, I, I also played a lot. I was kind of a nerdy kid. Are you an only child?

No, but my parents divorced and I was super young. So then like I was with my, and my sister was kind of younger than me. So when my parents were married, like she was too young to really play with. Yeah. And then when my parents separated, you know, I, and I, um,

and that's interesting. Like, there's something about that, about playing alone that can make you very self-sufficient as an adult. Like it can make you very like, okay, I'm okay without other people. Like I enjoy their company, but I'm not like the reft or adrift. I don't, I like, you can go out to,

I like, I'll take myself out to dinner, like, so at the bar, have a martini and do my own damn thing. And I don't mind. I do feel sometimes people think, a woman alone at a bar, we need to talk to her. And I'm like, I'm good. I'm so sorted out. I don't need to look at my phone.

I can stare into the middle distance. See, that's why people come up to you because whenever I see somebody doing middle distance stare, I don't go up to them, but I'm always like, this is my thing because I love to read, right? So I can't, I'll bring a book on my iPad or whatever. If someone is sitting there, I'm just, they're just sitting there. They need something. How can they just be sitting here?

You know? I was at a restaurant and there was a guy right here. And I remember just being like so agitated. I was like, he's not even, he's not even looking at his phone. He's just fucking sitting there. Like, this is crazy. This is madness.

Well, I also feel too, I must look very uninteresting if I'm just like, you know, like sitting there. But sometimes I'm like, you don't even know what's going on in this. Sarah and I are breaking it down right now. But I wonder, like, because it is interesting. like how do people receive you? Like if you're just sitting at a bar drinking like, huh? You know, I, yeah, I should just bring. There's always like, there's always a stack

in New Yorkers piling up. Just bring one and stare. And then have it there. And then your middle distance is the page. Because then you're just, that bitch is intellectual. God, look at her. She's looking at the Caliphasanaab article for three straight hours. I hope I pronounce their name right.

I'm supporting you. Yeah, cool. It feels right. Yeah. So you, what was the, because I, I don't know it's so interesting, but like we kind of did the opposite thing where I grew up in San Francisco and I went to the East Coast for college. You grew up on the East Coast and went to San Francisco for college. What made you want to do that? Well, I started, I went to my first semester of college, I went to NYU. Okay. I hated it. Really? Why? You know, I wanted so badly to my first, like, love New York City. And it was too much for me. I really was as, like, cool and, like, into it as I thought I was. Right, right. You know, I knew who, like, graffiti writers. were, but I wasn't, I was not, like, ready for New York City.

Right. And there was a homeless man who lived around the corner from me, and I couldn't save him. Like, it was just like, that was like too real. Oh, God, the city is fucking heartbreaking. If that's all you're moving through it. It's impossible. Yeah. Fix that by moving to San Francisco.

Right. And then we're, literally homeless mecca? Yeah, exactly. I was like, oh, shit. But, like, it just was too much. And it wasn't, I guess I had a feeling in my heart, too. Like, I wasn't far enough away from where I grew up. And so I dropped out of college after the second day of the second semester and transferred to USF.

My mom and I went and looked at some schools. And I was just like, oh, it was like setting foot. And I'd been there once before as a little kid with my parents, but it was like stepping on, this is weird. I don't know why I'm going to say this, but it's almost like stepping in your own, this is disgusting. Go for it. It's like stepping in your own blood. Like, you know, like, no, that's disgusting. No, I like it.

I like it. Let's do it. It's interesting. You take your, I've never. never done this and I don't plan on it, but if you take your own blood to rejuvenate your... Oh, that's something people do? Like, they take their own blood and then put it on their face? I really feel like I'm learning things from you today. I feel like I'm really growing as a person. I have no idea. What I'm talking about. But was there this... But I think I understand the metaphor,

which is that you were stepping into something that felt, uh, like, familiar and, and like home and like, but like pumped you up even more. Wow. Okay. Almost like I, like if you, if your body creates more, I don't know why I'm on this blood kick right now, but like, it's disgusting and messy, but like, maybe I'm getting my period. But like, um, I'm menstruating. But, um, it was almost like being, being pumped up with your own ability or like, like, you, like, you, I was like, it just, it was like, I stood in the right place on the right part of the earth. Yeah. And I was like, yeah. Oh, cool.

And I feel that way when I go back, like, the eucalyptus and like the smell, or like the way like the, the, the, the way like the, oh, the bus. Yeah. Of the bus, the electric buses. And when the driver, there was. And then the little thing, so in San Francisco for people

I've never been there, the buses are electric and they have these big arms that go up to this overhead system of like electrical lines. And having grown up there, you know, you'd be on the back of the bus

and then it would like, you know, make that noise. Yeah. And because the little arm would have fallen off of the cord. And then the bus driver has to get out and go behind and like pull the little string down

and then put it back on the, and you know, you're back there like, fuck, I'm late for school. Yeah, there was a bus driver. who I've actually written him into things that I've written. He drove the 22 Fillmore. Oh, the 22nd. That was my bus.

That was, where did you grow? I lived in the Fillmore. I mean, yeah, when I was in high school, first I lived in Hadesbury, and I lived in what they now call Hayes Valley, but when I was a kid was called the Fillmore. And like Fillmore and Grove, so like a block down from Grove, on Grove, yeah. I went to the University of San Francisco, so I lived like,

when I moved out, I would live like... You asked like Masonic, Out Masonic, yeah. Right by the, right by the, by the beginning, right by the way where the panhandle hits the park. Yeah. Yeah. But I lived like in the Western edition and lower hate and like all in that area. Places where a student could afford to live.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is now I probably couldn't afford. No, students can't afford to live at all in San Francisco. They just like live in like. They stand. San Jose. Yeah.

I don't even know. Yeah. You would be the homeless person around the corner. Yeah. I'd be like wearing what's so expensive. This is just shirt is going in the wash. But there was a driver and he wore. and he wore, he looked like a militant, like 60s radical,

and he wore like a beret, and he yelled at me at least once or twice, like, no food on this bus. Oh. And like I ate it surreptitiously and he caught me again. Like he was built and muscular. Like a Charlie's angel. What do you call those things? A guardian angel?

Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I love it. I just love the characters in Sarin's. I love how open. That I really loved is like how open people were. When I first moved there, I was walking up the street and someone was like, hello.

And I was like, what? The fuck. There's this person. And then I realized like it was just a human interacting with a human. Yeah. And I love that. And then when I moved back from San Francisco after college and I moved to Brooklyn, I would do this.

I would do that to people. And it was, I didn't go over well. They didn't know what. What do you want? And I, like, my neighbor was having a party once. and my friend Laura and I went into the party and they were like, who are you? And we were like, we're in your neighbor!

And they were like, get out. And then we went back in. We went around the corner of a bar and we're like, that's screwed up. Like, that's my neighbor. Like, they're gonna want us there. We can go back. And we went by and they threw us out again.

I love it. Well, we were drunk. But, you know, like still though, that's fucking, no, there's something good. First of all, it's a scene in a movie. Second of all, I'd be like really, it's like a whole set piece in a movie. But there's something great about it.

Like, no, I feel like they really. Yeah, they want to know us. They were just shy. Yeah, I mean, because it's weird. It's new. It's a new thing, like, human interaction with somebody. But, like, we're neighbors. You know, we're practically family.

We share a wall. Meanwhile, I lived down the street from them over Bushwick Avenue. It's not even the same building. That's a different, that's like a different world. I thought you were like one floor. No, no. So far away. Just like, hey guys.

Like, downstreet. Like, I lived in another apartment in Brooklyn for like 11 years, 10 years maybe. and I spoke to the people who lived next door to us, but I never spoke to the people on the other side. Right, right, totally. Ever. So that's so interesting because, like, I'm trying to think of all the apartment buildings I've ever lived in,

and we always knew our neighbors enough. Like, I wanted to know you in case, like, I died or you died or someone needed sugar or, like, whatever, or, like, you know, come, like, make sure my cat, you know, didn't die in the apartment while I was away for two days. But I didn't want to know you so much that we talked all the time. Like, like, that line. Like, I know, I go, like, we're wave.

I waved at you from down the hall, and that is plenty. Plenty, plenty. That makes me like, ooh, nervous. And then, you know, in the beginning you try to make overtures to get to another person, right? So maybe you go to their place for a drink or you have them over. But then you actually walk the friendship back, back to wave. Or you see them. You have to, like, whip around a corner.

I have some neighbors now, and I love them so much. But we used to be a lot, I used to have a lot more free time than I do now. And we used to be super friendly. And now I'm like, sometimes I can see them, and I know they see me. See them and or see me. And one or the other of us is ducks into our. garage, like ducks inside before the other person can see that they are running away, even though we both see each other running away. Well, if they're both doing it, then no one's

scandalized. We both do it. It's not like I'm always avoiding them or they're always avoiding me. We're avoiding each other in a kind way, which is like, you know, life's busy. Yeah, I don't mind. Like, I have neighbors and sometimes I'm kind of like, hi, you know, we're two humans in a certain confined space passing each other. Look up from your phone, hello. Yeah, that's plenty. But they don't always do that. And I think that's peculiar. If someone says hello to you and you don't say hello back, I think you get the Sarah Burns like you're a fucking asshole. Yeah, you're fucking ass.

I'm writing you off. You're not getting a card. Right. And BT Dubs, when your house is on fire, I'm going to be sitting on here with a fucking hot dog on a stick. Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Laughing my way. Yeah. Especially you have to lounge chair of the hot dog on a stick, just like your shit's on fire. You're burning. I'm sorry. You said hello to me on Tuesday, March 15th. This is what suck is like you get.

I got! You're welcome. So you move back to Brooklyn. What did you study, Yusuf? Oh, Jesus. I studied, yeah. Glitter. Glitter, glider, it was like, glitter upon hits in glitter.

I studied, I studied art, and I'm like, you know, visual art. Cool. And I, with, like, a focus in printmaking. I wasn't good. I really like painting and making things. But this is not the kind of thing that, like, I could attach my life to. And I finally realized that. And then I focused on writing.

And, you know, that I loved. And were you doing, when you were there, were you, I mean, I guess, college programs are pretty traditional. It's kind of like you're going to be a novelist, you're going to be a journalist. I mean, they kind of focus on fiction or nonfiction writing. What is your degree? Is it English if you get a writing degree?

It's English, yeah. Okay. It's weird because it took me a long time to get it. By the time I got it, I was already like, eh. Because I had, like, credits remaining when I left USF and I finished them up at Fordham University, but they were all, they were all like language credits. Right.

Like requirements. Yeah. Like stuff that I did. need as an art student, but then need it as an English major and like left. Sometimes I have to study like three years of Italian and like a, you know, like where you chunk it. Yeah. But, um, which is great because I can say like, I can pronounce like a couple of Italian worlds

properly. I can't too because I ate at Toroni on Beverly. And when you go in the bathroom, they have an Italian language tape playing when you're on the toilet. Really? That's a great restaurant. That's a great restaurant. I stayed at Macaroni Republic recently.

They're pretty good. They're downtown. They're pretty good. I'm always looking for... Yes. Anything with the name, Macaroni. Yeah. This is so inside baseball slash off piece that everybody listening is going to literally pound this during the wheel of their car.

But have you been to Bestia? I have not been to Estia, but I keep hearing about it. I shouldn't say this because I'm never going to be able to get in there again, but it's the best one. Well, why not? You're obviously like, you know, promoting them on your show. They need to let me... That's it. You can't get a...

You can't get a... They're just booked 100% every night of the week. Monday, Tuesday. Every night. They're just always booked. Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe they need to start watching Archer. I love that show.

Oh, thank you. So, you're so nice. Thank you. It is awesome. No. It's insane. It's awesome. Thank you.

I think I even once tried. I think once called and we were like, oh, no, we did get in because we had somebody called and say the whole cast of Archer once to eat dinner there. And then we didn't get a table that night. Yeah, that one time. So like an eighth of the cats wants to show up tonight. Come on. Right.

These are cast members that you don't recognize. My friends that work on the show, but you've never heard. So you go back to Brooklyn and you go to Fordham and you finish your degree. So then what happens you have you do you leave thinking I'm going to be a writer or do you go back to you know I think I'm going to be a performer like what are you thinking at this point? I have no idea. The world is at your feet Sarah. The world is at my feet and I fuck around for like a like a little less than a year. I took like the first job I could get I took a job at a like a like a refinishing supply company where they sold like gold leaf and they sold like like the New

Life Building in Manhattan, they sold the leafing to them, which is almost across the street. And I wanted, because I was like, I'm going to become, I'm going to become like a refinisher, and I'm going to travel the world and refurbish, like, refurbish, restoring, gilding, doing, like, faux grain and, like, going and, like, learning about art. Yeah. Because I'd taken, like, I'd taken, like, a month-long trip to Italy to, like, where you submer. yourself in Italian and you learn Italian and I was like the only nerd on the trip that wanted to study Dante and like got shut down. What a bunch of pricks.

Yeah, fucking assholes. But I'll get them. But I... You already have, by the way. Yeah, I've already iced a couple of their bodies. But they were really cute. Like, the people I traveled with, a lot of them were like from big Italian families. And like, so it was cool to like, some of them had spent so much time in Italy.

So like, it was cool. It was a cool trip. And it got me really excited about, like, the old churches that needed restoring. I was like, I'm going to do that. So I took a job with a company called Sepleaf products, and they sold all these products, and I was like, I'm going to become a gilder. And I moved from, like, selling these products into, like, working in the art side, like, kind of assisting the woman who would gild the samples.

And then a master gilder that worked with our company came in. And he looked like Yoda. He was so withered from years of chemical. It shut me off. I was like, I don't want to look like that. He looked so at, like, his skin had like wrinkle. Oh, excuse me, wrinkles in wrinkles. Because, I mean, now the products, I think, are probably friendlier.

I imagine they are. But this dude, he's been inhaling the core of the earth for like 60 years. Like, if you're like huffing on that, you are not well. Huffing on magma. Just like, ugh. But I was off it. I was like, mm-hmm,

it's not good skin. And then I have no idea. My dream is dead because I'm just really worried about my skin. Sorry, I spend a lot of money on Blitz products. And I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to waste my time. I had an investment and creams.

A lot of collagen still in my face. But so I took an acting class and then like randomly, this place called Performance of a Lifetime. And then from there started taking, more classes and then found improv. And then someone was like, you're funny. You should try the UCB Theater. And I started the UCB Theater in 2001.

In New York? Yeah. It's so funny. I don't know why I didn't. No, I did know there was one there. I just only know the one that's here. Yeah, so well known. It's a juggernaut now.

And there was two of them. And you did that and then you knew what you, you kind of fell in love. Yeah. Did you have, now this was like a totally, it's always exciting. You've got this big pivot in their life, a big creative pivot. Like, oh, I'm going to do something. totally different with my life. And was that exciting to you or was it frightening to you? Did you have a plan? It felt natural. My plan was like, I'm going to be on Saturday Night Live and I'm going to be

funny and I'm going to like, I'm going to, like, I just, I remember like being in my first class and making everyone laugh. I like tore my bracelet off or something and the thing and everyone laughed. And I was like, oh, that's just me doing me. Right. And it was like, this is right. This is normal. I love it. I like, I went to class for three hours on Saturday. I found a practice group. We practiced on like Wednesday and Fridays. We started doing, just like it was, you know, and it was tiring. And sometimes I resented it because I'm just like a shit.

But, you know, I'm nervous about performing. Yeah. And then, but as it kind of grew, it just felt, it felt right. And this feels right. Like, I don't know what I would, other than becoming Yoda and gilding churches of the world. Or it's like, you know, movie theaters and stuff like that. Yeah. But I don't know what the hell I've been doing.

Like this is just like, this is. what is correct. Right, right. And much in the way like standing in San Francisco was like standing in your own blood. Yeah. That metaphor is so interesting.

I don't know. Like there's just something really raw about it though. I like it. I like it. It's upsetting for sure. It's really disturbing. Very visceral. It's like a torture point.

Yeah. And then then your brain does a bunch of math around it. Like how does that? How much blood and what and men? But then I still like it though. It's evocative. It's going to get to a point where it's going to start making sense. It's going to,

It's going to be on a T-shirt eventually. You are losing listeners, though, as with this sort. People are tuning out and crashing their cars into walls. They sat through John Benjamin, shitting his pants inside a car and then giving it to the valet. So I think then, and then I got it back the next day. It was clean. So I think we can work through your really arty blood metaphor, by the way.

Your gilded, like Dante-esque seventh circle blood metaphor is just art. It was just very art. I'll gild that shit. Yeah. You are doing UCB and you're in New York. And you figured out who you are and it's very exciting. And that's always a very exciting moment in everybody's life where you're like, oh, shit, even if you don't know what's going to happen and where you think like,

oh, this is who I am, this is who I am. What brought you here? Like what? To L.A., um, did you start working there, like, working there? Little bits, like little bits, but I was like, oh, I don't, you know, I want more. I want more. I want more. And then I was auditioning. And I got a part on, um, how to, how to get away.

How to get away with murder. You did. You did. You did. That did happen. Ten years later. I worked, I got a job on Flight of the Concordes and that was like something that kind of like, oh, this is happening. And then I was like, oh, look out world.

And I'm getting my job. And I quit my temp job. Yes. Because I had had like day jobs and then I went to temping so that I could bounce if I needed to. And then the temp job, the woman I worked for was like, Sarah, you need to make a decision. And I was like, oh, I've made my decision. Oh, come on you. And I got a replacement by the end of the day.

I was like, this is no, I'm not. Was it that because you were just unavailable to her? Like you're like, kind of okay, I can't come in here, I can't come in there, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, you have to decide. I was doing to audition more. Right. And I had to take a week off for the Concord. Right.

And the man I assisted was fine with it. But she ran the office and she was not. Right. And so. By the way, lady who runs the office, lady who runs the office of unknown origin name, ethnicity age, everywhere in the world who's listening now. The lady who's temping and got a job on a TV show,

doesn't want to fucking work in your office. No. Like, you got to make a decision thing. And she did neither, but she chose the office. Right, right, right, right. But she's practical. Well, I guess someone who's super practical doesn't understand why you would pick. They kind of think, like, you need to lock it up.

Oh, interesting. And she was really neat. Like, but she, I don't know if it was that watching me do it was upsetting or pissing her off or she was fully aware of what was going to come or. Because I guess there's two, there's two inflections to you, got to make a decision. is you gotta make a decision here. And then the one is like, hey, you gotta decide. If you want to be an actor, go be an actor.

Like, go do it. I don't think she was being that charitable. I think she was like, be real. And I was like, I am, this is not it. I actually took a job once. I lasted for two days. And I told the guy when he was like, wait, you're an actress. And I was like, I don't know why I said this.

But I was like, I know, I'm not Jennifer Aniston. But I like, and I was like, why am I selling my soul out to this dude? Yeah, like undercutting, undermining. my own sense of myself. I mean, I'm also not Jennifer Aniston. Who is, though? Yeah, I know. No one is.

Oh, I're so amazing. But, like, I just, like, I don't know why I would give it to this guy. And then it pissed me off. And I, like, put my nose out, a shape for the whole thing. And then, like, the third day I was there, one of the gung-ho managers that, like, show up early, like, listening to an iPod and, like, singing and just pissing me off. And was like, um, someone complained about you. And I was like, who complained about me?

And she was like, well, it's not important. I was like, it is important. And I think you need to tell me. And I think we need to get them here so I can say this is bullshit. Like, I just, if this is not me. Yeah. But I was like, I'm out. But you know what?

You didn't want to be there. And also you didn't give a fuck. Which is a great place to be in your life, to be like, yeah, it is important. And either we're going to talk it out or I'm going to fucking leave and you guys can file this shit alpha-numerically yourself. Yeah, which is precisely what happened. Yeah. I don't even know if I, like, returned. I love that.

I love that. Because it just gives you this real sense of like, oh, I know who I am and what I have to do. This is not going to be this lady stacking laps. Right. Which is fine. Do everybody has their own, like, I was on the plane. I don't even tell the story. I was on the plane with this guy.

This is so fun. This is funny. This is later. So this is now. Like, this is you and you're on like a huge TV show and you have a movie out and like this is now. So you're on a plane. So I'm on a plane with this guy. And I don't, I'm friendly as fuck, but I don't want to talk to you.

Do you know what I mean? Like I just don't know. I'm never, I have. There's like, we know our genetic code is programmed to be like, hi, have a nice trip. Thank you. This is your armrest. Don't. Don't venture over.

50% is mine. And also when I fly, it's like the only time when I don't have to interact with people. Like, I'm super happy about it. I'm like, I'm going to watch a shit. I'm going to watch the boy next door. Yeah. And like for the sex scene, which I heard is awesome because the rest of the movie's piece of shit. And then I'm going to like fuck up that little treat basket up there with the, with those biscoff cookies in it.

I'm going to eat up. Yes. I'm going to drink tiny bottles of booze and arrive in New York, wasted and happy. So this guy is talking to me and he goes, what do you do? And I go, I'm an actor. And I don't ever care, whatever, but I just didn't want to lie. You know, I didn't know what I did? So he goes, what do you?

I'm an actor. He goes, oh, what kind of acting? And I was like, what do you? Porn. Porn. I do a lot of porn. Yeah, porn acting, which is the easiest kind of acting because you just act with your vagina. Yeah.

But I remember that thing of like, I'm not going to like undercut like what I do. And then he was like, what have you been on? Or what could I have seen you? And I was like, I can't even do this with you anymore. Like I just don't even have it. No. And the thing is like, I'm sure he was just making conversation.

But the undertone was, oh, you're not really an actor. That's surprising. Well, first of all, that's surprising that he's lived under a rock for so long because you're so established. You've also done a diverse, you have a diverse far-reaching body. of work. Where's this guy been? I don't know. He's like an old dude doesn't watch TV. I mean, when people say... What the fact does he do every night?

I mean, my God. I hate people tell me I don't want to. Somebody once was like, oh, I don't watch. What do you do for a living? I'm an actress. Oh, I don't watch TV. And it was like the first person that pissed me up because you're like, okay, I understand. I'm... Yeah, yeah. But I was like, what do you do every night? Like, really? And she's like, I read. And I was like, okay, I know. TV's the enemy. But then it always comes out later that... But it's in pop culture now. So the TV is everywhere. even if you're not watching it,

it's very hard not to know that, oh, orange, that's new black is blah, blah, blah, and House of Cards is doodily doot. If she's in academia and she's reading every night, she's still reading, you know, scholarship on television or like the way women are represented in TV, you know, right now. Or the Bechdel Test or whatever you're into. Yeah, exactly.

People are talking about it. And if what are you, you're not part of like, there are certain things like, I feel like, oh shit, I should probably see this movie because everyone's going to talk about it and I'm going to be the asshole. Right. I don't know a Taylor Swift song.

And, you know, I don't think this is the worst thing about my personality. But, like, there are times when I'm like, the whole world knows. I am super latent. So I want you to feel like you have company. Like, just because I'm busy. And, you know, and this world, this life can, like, eat. You know, this work can eat your life. It kind of can take all of your free time.

And then you get home, you want to, like, learn lines and pass out. But, like, the, the Adele song that came out where, like, it had, like, a bojillion views in, like, a day. It took me like two weeks. I haven't even heard it. I didn't hear the happy song for like a thousand years. And I did and I was like, I missed the world. I missed it. It's already over.

It's already happened. I felt like yesterday I was like, okay, I went on Twitter, which I'm very new to. And I'm not like a Twitter person, but like I went on Twitter. And I found that actually it isn't as terrible. I mean, it's terrible when people are fighting and trolling. But most of it is pretty pleasant, actually. And Frangela has like, They're just, they're so clued in and like, they're so, like, I just love the stuff they do.

There's so, they're, I'm not a astute political human being and it's an embarrassment, but this is my deal. And what are you going to do? I need more deodorant than most people. But I, like, I, like, I just saw something and I was like, oh, it was like within 45 minutes, I think after, like, the attacks in Paris. Oh, yeah. And so I knew immediately. Right, right. And I was like, oh, my God, thank goodness for this.

No, Twitter has become its own kind of, you know, and I mean, obviously with, like, something is like intense as, you know, the Arab Spring, where it was like literally a tool that people used to like drive change and revolution or even like the news out, like I was looking at CNN this morning, and you could see that like they were getting their updates from people who were tweeting and Facebooking

from inside of the Stade de France and the other place that was the Encyclade. I can't think of the name of the music auditorium. But like everything they knew about what was happening in there was happening, what they were finding out because of Twitter and Facebook. It's incredible. Yeah, and Facebook has this new thing I just read about.

It's a new part of the platform that triggers when there's a disaster where you can check in essentially like safe, like I'm safe. So that and I think that they could, but I think it might be even automatic. Like Facebook looks to see if you're posting, if you're active. I just heard about this last night. My friends were talking about this. And I just think that's, and it made me like immediately flashed to like September 11th how like I wish that like this is 15 years ago.

Oh, can you imagine? Like, if people could have just like, I'm here. I'm here. I'm safe. I'm okay. You know, like, because people, my dad disappeared. We couldn't fight him for six hours. We didn't know.

Terrifying. Because everything was down. And, yeah. You know, or even, you know, or even people who may or may not have been trapped, like would have had it. Anyway. No, I know. So I was so long ago.

So I'm so just hearing about the lesson. I was like, oh, I want to learn more about this. This is so cool. It's not all just like people abusing each other. Right. Right. They're telling me, oh, you know, you look fat. and your kid's ugly and yeah and I hate you

although that's how it feels sometimes that can be how it feels people say the worst things here's my here's the fun thing about it and I imagine now that you're on this show like I know that like at least in the Shandaland world like they really want their cast to like tweet about their shows like I know like the scandal cast is like you know they live tweet the show

every week and like Tony Goldiline and like Scott those guys like they live tweet the shows um so I'm sure that's probably why you're on Twitter I imagine they're at that. I got on it for this movie that's indie movie to promote I don't think I did a very good job of it because I was still like, what is it retweeting? For which movie before this one?

For slow learners. Yeah. Yeah. The one of the reason that you're here, although we haven't talked about it yet. But that's because your career is so much more than one film. That was going on. So much more.

But, oh, there was a whole point about getting on Twitter and awful people. Oh, awful people. So awful people say awful things. And then I try not to respond because it's like a black hip hole. And then like I'll do it on my, friends will be like Aisha, why are you in, like my friends who know me who follow me,

like, why are you engaging with this person? I'm like, I don't know. I mean, it's a whole, it's like, it's a compulsive. Like, fuck you. You know what I mean? But the other day, this lady wrote something so shitty about me and I was just like, oh, essentially like, it's fucking awful to be you that you're so bummed that I'm on this show and you don't like that I'm on this show. Like, it's, it's not going to change. Like, you're, it's just, Too bad. Yeah. I think she said she thought I was over the top and too enthusiastic on

whose I didn't anyway. And I was like, um. Yeah, because that's a low-key shop. That's a super low-energy. It's super intimate. It's like Charlie Rose essentially. Yeah. You're like inside the actress.

You know, I mean, my God. What the fuck. And so I was essentially like, uh, some version, some polite version of go, a fuck you. And she was like, I don't even think this is Aisha, but it's rude of you to tell me. I said she was dim. It's rude of you to say I'm dim. I'm like, it was rude of you to say.

that I, you don't like me on my own fucking show. Why is it, why is it something that you've set time aside for in your day to attack? But then the, in the righteous indignation when you say, hey, if you say something shitty to me, the idea that you don't think I can see it, like that somehow I'm like a robot and I don't have feelings and I'm not going to be like, you know what? Go fuck yourself. And then like, don't tell me what to do. Bitch, you just told me you hate me on my show and I should quit.

What should I do? Should I just like go leap off a bridge or like down my, like four gallons of Baskin Robbins? I don't know. I think, too, like, there's such a safety in, like, these attacks because it's, like, there's a thrill, like, to attack. But, you know, I don't. So a friend of mine told me the story once she was on, like, a dating site. And she, she, she had, the picture of her had her, she does, like, hair and makeup, and she had blue hair. And, which is rad. And she's really pretty. And that's who she is. And that's who she is, right? So, like, period. This is who I am. Yeah. And she's doing her thing. And she's real neat and, um, very talented. And this guy. And this guy. I wrote her or like, however, I've never been on these things, but like, poked her or whatever. Yeah. And he goes, hey, nice blue hair, said no one ever. Oh, my God. And she was like, what?

See, I think if I was on a dating app, I would literally be flaming everybody. I would right back and go, hey, you have a huge dick, said no one ever. But like, the guy is trolling these sides to look for partners. And his first reaction is to make fun of a pretty woman. Like, do you hate her because she's pretty? Do you, like, hate her because you're... If she's not your style, just GTFO. Nobody's interested in your fucking opinion.

Yeah, and like when someone, like, I read something once about me on the internet as a picture of me at like a premiere for, you know, which is funny that they would not attack the crazy stance. Like, I look like shit every time I'm always like, oh God. It's just like, look, that's not my thing. I can make guacamole. I can, like, cook Italian food. I can, like, play with your kids while you want.

I got some skills, but, like, I can't walk on a red carpet. And I know it. And the person skipped over the fact that looked insane and made fun of my dress. It is the nicest dress I've ever owned and will ever own. It was a beautiful long vaughan dress. Oh, yeah, Lonvon dress. I, like, bought this thing. I will be buried in this thing.

It's so beautiful. And so I was like, the dress is okay. I mean, for, like, office, like, attire. Like, I'd wear it in my office. I'm like, really? What office do you work in? Yeah, exactly. And how many long-ad dresses do you have? Yeah. Let's see your closet.

And it's like-old. Lady who shops at H&M. Nothing worth H-NM, by the way, I have lots of H-Sclos for N. I wear H-N-2, but like, as a result, I don't publicly make fun of a person. Exactly. And I was like, I was like, oh, man. But I, so I, so I, so it's interesting because I think, like, regular people who aren't, like, the target or the object of, like, ridicule and criticism and comment, like, constantly,

can get, like, really, like, like, like, deeply bruised. by somebody. Like, like, I went back to this lady. I was like, you're, I essentially said, you're stupid for writing me on my Facebook page. Which is valid. Telling me to replace myself. Because she said, please replace her. That's what she said. She's over the top and silly on whose line, please replace her. And I wrote back and said, I love the show. The show's doing great. And you're dim for writing to please replace me. And she's like, it's rude of you to call me dim. I was like, bitch is rude of you to write on my page that you want me to quit my own show and replace myself. So that woman,

I'm sure, is never challenged. It's like online posting awful things about people all day long. And then someone says one, and she like crumpled, you know, like a biler balloon. So I guess my point is, like, you have to develop this kind of sense of yourself that has nothing to do. And that we were talking about college, right? Yeah. You know who you are. You loved that dress. Like, that didn't change because someone said they didn't like it.

I was wearing a wig for the first 16 episodes of Criminal Minds. It was super short. And people were saying she looks ugly. And I was like, I love that wig. I love my short hair. I think I look adorable. I could give a fuck what one or 1,000 people say about it. Like, it didn't change.

And I don't know if that's something that you learn over time. because you just get inured to the criticism. You get more confident, too. Like, you think of a woman who's, like, 85, who's like, fuck you, I'm parking here. Like, Kathy. May Jimmy, Griffith. No, I'm thinking Kathy Bates in the movie Fried Green Tomatoes,

where she, like, hits the girl's car, and the girl's like, oh, my God, I'm just like, I'm older and have better insurance in you or something. She just got into a phone, and she's like, I don't care anymore. Right, right. There's just certain things where you're like, okay, this is not registering. I'm moving on. Right.

You guys can. But that is weird. like that a person would, the woman that attacked you is not the only one, but someone is not, it's not a constructive form of criticism. She's just screaming into the world and knowing kind of,

there's something seductive about the fact that you may or may not notice. And so it's like, and it's just like, it feels dangerous a little bit. Oh, she might see this. Why don't you just have sex in a car with your partner? Right.

That's a nice danger. Like, don't attack. That sounds like a really good idea, by the way. That sounds like a great idea. I haven't had sex in a car a long time. I don't remember the last time. It's always more. conceptually interesting than it is

kind of like situationally feasible. This is a great. Let's get in the hammock. Oh, why do we fucking do that? Yeah. Yeah. The neighbors can see. Yeah.

My cellulite. My toe is stuck in this fucking hammer. Yeah. I might fall out. Yeah. But it's sexy. The idea of it, you know, you're like, we can't get any momentum going.

I just watched like, I watched like Bill, Bill Burr, like, stand up recently. And he was talking about, like, the way they portray sex in the film. And on tell, I mean, and Chondaland. I mean, everyone's, hot. It's like incredible. But, um, too,

oh my God. But, um, they was talking about something about like holding, like a guy holding a woman up and like, they're fucking. Against the wall. And he's like, this is impossible.

Yeah. Sets a bar. He's like, I don't care if you're 10 pounds. It's like impossible. Like, yeah, to fuck a girl up against a wall and hold.

No, it is impossible. And like, no, like an uncomfortable. No. And all the other thing that this always piss me off. Even from when I was like a kid and I watched basic instinct,

when someone's, if someone ripped. my clothing. I, oh! This is got, like, uh-uh. Time out, time out, I'm sorry. Sorry, this is like, this is Westdown. Oh, not Westdale.

I buy my clothing. I buy a surrepe, but like, you know, like this, I love Madewell, and I love their clothes so much. And they're expensive. Their expense is not cheap. I know it looks cheap. I know the thing with Made Well, it's expensive, but it looks cheap. I know you have an erection right now,

but go into the shower because I'm pissed. Yeah, let me just gently unbuttoned. this. Can you just, can you be patient? The button is on the ground and I don't sew. So this will be like, you know, oh, that would make me that. I remember him ripped, Michael Douglas ripped. Sharon Stone? No, the other, the woman with the brown hair, she's

Laura like, Giacomo or like. Oh, Laura San Giacomo. Yeah, it's not a son Giacomo. And he ripped her blouse off. And I was like, okay, you're also cheating on her and now you're ripping her silk blouse. That the woman can wear a silk blouse without any sweat stains. Is the feet in itself. Silk? Let's just talk about silk for 10 seconds. And here's Simmons's baseball. They put me in silk on

my show and I just sweat balls for an hour and I give it back and it's just so sweating. It's so, it's like, I sweat like Bernie Mac. How do you do it? Do you have to wear a cardigan or? Because I, I just sweat and I just keep my arms down because it's only an hour. So I like put it on, I go out and it's like, my arms are just like, you'll see if I'm wearing silk, my arms are pressed against my rib cage. And then I rip it off immediately when I walk off state. I have like this shirt. I'm burning. But like I, I turn stuff back in and I'm, it's like a horror. Well, and I refuse to use like crazy, like chemical stuff on my body. So I'm just like sweaty. I'm just a sweaty person. I just stay super clean. I'm like a really like a neat neck. I'm very clean. And that makes up

the fact that I'm just sweating balls all the time. But you're supposed to sweat. It's like your way of cleaning your body and like athletes people, like healthier people sweat more. Like people are athletes, people work out. Yeah, you just, if you're healthy, you're super fucking healthy. You're like an Olympian. Yeah. That's just, that's what I think about it. I'm just super sweaty. And I'm just I'm not going to put like crazy burning aluminum like stuff on my skin. Like if it's stopping you from doing something that your body naturally does. It's bad news, man. Like you wouldn't put a cork in your asshole so that you can shoot shit at the end of the day.

Like, I don't like it. It's dirty. I'm sick and I'm tired all the time because I haven't shat in three years. But like at least I never have to like that's hardcore. It's the same thing. You've beat the blood men. metaphor. It's gone now. I know. The blood metaphor sucks that I'm trying to recover from that. Oh, that's so great. Like, I'm fucking up in a big way.

It's just like an adorable little cork in someone's asshole. Oh, my God. What brought you to L.A. before we talk about the projects that you're on now? I booked a film and I, I worked with Rashida Jones earlier. I booked a movie. I love you, man. And I yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So great. That was like the biggest thing and it just changed everything. Yeah. And so I came out here for that. And I remember, like, I was on a Harold team at the UCB Theater, and I emailed the theater director,

and I was like, I think I'm going to be gone for a couple of weeks. He's like, I think you're going to be gone for a couple of months. And so I was like, okay, I should give up myself or some other performer. Right. And I had no... He was kind also that he was like, you know, this might not just be... Yeah, he's a big deal. He's a good... His name is Anthony

King, and he's a writer and performer. So he kind of knew the drill. Right, right. And I came out here and I worked on the film. And then I got representation. And so I had more of a base to return to. So I did like the back and forth for a couple of years. And I didn't move out here until 2011.

I moved out here because I worked on the show, Enlightened. And then... This is the Lord of Dern Show on Showtime? HBO. HBO for two seasons. And Mike White wrote it. Yeah, so cool. Yeah, God, he's really very...

like every time I think about Mike it just he makes me happy he's awesome he's good and that was oh it was great but I moved out here because I was like okay it's probably gonna do a second season and then it did and it got canceled but um hardly too I lived in Greenpoint Brooklyn and HBO was doing what was that um Steve Bouchemmy um oh um boardwalk empire yeah they were shooting boardwalk empire a block away from my house oh my god was like whoa couldn't it right what wouldn't it? Oh, my job. Honestly, I knew, though, even if I worked on that show,

base camp would have been like a mile and a half away. Right. Like, go to base camp and then be bused back to my own house. The van back, yeah. Drive to base camp, park your car, ban back. Oh, then he's down there. Like, no, they don't. But, you know, but so I, that's why I moved out here.

And, you know, this is where. It's just easy because, say, like, say we set this up or something and I was in New York, it would, like, win. Yeah. And I know, because people that I have done it in New York, I'm like, I'll be in New York. this weekend. They're like, I'm not going to be in New York that weekend. I'll be in LA. That has happened many times. Oh, it's always.

You're always going back and forth and, you know, it's just, it's easy to be here because this is the mecca of like... Everything is here. Everything is here. And I mean, I love New York so much. Like, I... Blah-da-ba-da-ba-ba. And I kind of fantasize about living there. Like, I really do. You know, even though I know, like, the reason I fantasize about it is that whenever I go, it's for two days and somebody's paying for my hotel room. And so it's, of course, it's and you're not doing the schlep to like...

And I'm drinking till 4 in the morning because I'm not there for work. Oh, God, yeah, the liver is like... Oh, my liver. You're just like, oh, I can't... It's like, I don't... It's like a Vegas. Oh, yeah. It's Vegas.

It's Vegas. It's like Vegas, but like, like, you feel sophisticated because you're drinking in, like, the Lower East Side and like a little, like, you know, a little blot with no sign and not at Paris next to a guy

who just lost his children's college. Yeah, yeah. It is Joaquin Phoenix, by the way. It's always Joaquin'clock. He makes a guy. He makes a all the rounds. Yeah. Even if he doesn't even look like,

it's a lot of guy. That's a very versatile guy. That's also Shia Lubbuff. Yeah. They're drinking together. Later, they're going to make out. Please make out. Please do it.

If that, I would, that's another thing. We would both stop on the street to watch. Oh, yeah. If I walked down the street and Shia LeBuf and Joaquin Fian for making out. And then James Franco came up and then it was a threesome. Oh, take it up, boys. Yeah. Weird actor sex.

So, um. That would be such a display. That would be so great. And then they tape it and put it on Vimeo because it's a performance piece. Yeah. But it's actual penetration. Yeah. He was like, no, fully into it.

Like, okay. Yeah. Interior leather bar and now this. I'm in, I'm in. It's dark. It's dark. It's just a meditation on the emptiness. Yeah. On we, modern art.

You have two, I might, before we do stuff like the wounds, you have these two big projects now, slow learners. And obviously you're on how to get away with murder. And you're like this really seminal, big, pivotal central part. Although people watching the show, If you're not watching this show, spoiler alert, if you are watching this show, it doesn't look like it's ended well for your character.

But the interesting thing about how I got away with murderers is we're always working back from this big cataclysmic event. Like there's the body and then we have to figure out how we got there. You're a badass in this show. I love it. Yeah. And it's funny because I always feel like people go like, oh, you're a comedian and you're doing drama. What's that about? But I also feel like people are great at comedy

or very good at drama because comedy's just coming out of truth anyway. Like a magnified truth. I think the other direction to flip is hard. Much harder. Dramatic actors have really struggled with comedy. Yeah, and I think a lot of people think, oh, you know, so-and-so is funny. I'm funny too. And it's like,

actually, this is a dumb quote from what movie is it, is it it's Woody Allen movie. Alan Aldous is like, he plays kind of a braying ass of a director. He steals Mia Farrow away from Woody Allen. It's not Bullets Over Broadway.

No, it's like, it's, I only know the name of like three Woody Allen movie. Yeah, they all, there's a couple of them that are so good, and they all blend together. There's something about shadows and shadows and fog, crimes and misdemeanors. Yeah. Or the one, um, Hannah and her sisters. Yeah. But there's this one line in it.

Cream and sugar. I have no idea. Yeah, all of the above. Scarlett Johansson. Um, but he, he, um, he says something like, if it's, and it's so cheesy, but he's like, if it bends, it's funny, but if it bends, it's not funny. And it's, it's like, such a douche. Yeah.

It's true. Like, anytime you're like forcing. Stretch, stretch. You want to stretch it, even stretch it, like, to the point of breaking. But, right, once it's broken, once you're like, ugh. Yeah. But because with drama, you push so hard. Yeah.

But I love this show. I love, I mean. Did you audition for it? No. Yay! I just got a call. Oh. And I was like, what the fuck?

That's awesome. I did, in all fairness, though, I did try out for the pilot as one of, like, the Keating Five. And I think they were like, well, maybe. Maybe if you had taken 10 years off to be, coma, you could be believable in this part. No, no. But that was like two years ago. Right, right. And then I got a call on the weekend once.

And they were like, hey, do you want to? And this was for the finale of last season. Yeah, because I was trying to figure out when they introduced you was the beginning of the season or end of last season. It was end of last season. It was end of last season with the possibility of becoming recurring. Right. And I hoped. And then the summer, they were like, yeah, you're coming back.

And I was like, fuck, yes. And then you probably didn't even know. exactly how. They're just like, oh, you're coming back. I knew that I'd come back as the same character, but I didn't know. Like how... Meaty. Yeah, how central? I mean, central to the whole block. Yeah.

I was so excited and, you know, oh, it's such an honor to work. But truly, like, she is such a wonderful human, not blowing smoke or being Hollywood, cliche. Like, she is, like, I think she's up my game as an actress. Like, I strive to be better. I feel like if I'm going to show... With Viola.

I've never met Shonda. Oh, interesting. I mean, like, oh, God. God, Viola is like. The way she's changed the face of television. Fyola makes me a good actress if you're just, like, walking by her on the street. Yeah, if you, like, hear the word, like, oh, doubt that's a movie, you're like, I just became a better actor. Like, that woman, that woman got, was on screen for three minutes and blew us all up.

Like, she was so good. She's just so good. And she's just so good. And she's really down to her. She's funny. She's silly. She's just, like, classy and, like, awesome. I don't know, she just, she's it.

And she's, and she's the lead. So she sets the tone for the way, it's like she's the captain. Right. So like if she shows up on set and as a dick, there's going to be a bad vibe on set. But she isn't, she's like present and just welcoming and silly and fun and just like interested and interesting. I like, I really, really, really admire her. And I feel like, what a cool gift to get to work with Viola. Yeah.

And I love the show. I just love, like, I love the people who work on the show, the writer. It's like, oh, my God. It also feels so strangely different. Like, you know, I get that people feel like, I'll hear something staticy. It's great. Is your phone on?

My phone, my mom just texted me. But I haven't silenced. Oh, it's so weird. No, no, no. It's, sometimes if it's not on an airplane and a signal comes in, you'll hear it. It was very, should I airplane it? Can you?

Yeah, of course. Is that okay? Yeah, of course. Thank you. I didn't even realize that. Like, everything I have, like, this is on airplane too, and it somehow still feels things. That's interesting. I didn't even know, like, apparently it buzzes when I have it silenced.

Learning all these two things. Yeah, totally. It will, like, do things. Your phone doesn't want you to miss, like, a call or a text. It's like, I know you told me to be quiet, but, like, this is important. Your mom is texting you. Oh. Your mom needs something.

My mom. She's just probably reporting what she saw on how they get away with murderous. She's like, could, do they have to X, Y, Z? I mean, a little extreme. Yeah. Oh, what I was going to say about the show and the thing and the gift and the stuff and the people and the things? Oh, about how different that show feels. And I'm, I'm sure that someone could say, no, no, you know, thematically,

might share some DNA with this show or that show. But I feel like when I watched that show, I haven't seen anything like it. And that's what's so exciting to me. Well, Peter Noak created, I just missed Browns his name and he'll fire me. But he just, I mean, the way this thing is created, the way it cuts back and forth, it's not like a linear narrative. And that, you know, I'm murdered in the first episode, but I'm in the ninth episode. You're finding out why. It's just like the jump cuts and like the writing is good.

And yeah, everyone is really hot on the show. Everyone is fucking hot. And let me tell you something. That Frank character could get it. it. He could get it from both of my vaginas. The internet, like, because he was shirtless and, like, in his shadow. I was like, I know Kim Kardashian, you're a gorgeous woman. He broke the internet a year ago.

But, excuse me? Yeah, no, he's bananas. He's freaking hot. Yeah. It's not even a joke. It's good. Everybody is fucking on that joke too. Yeah, everyone is fucking.

Everyone is gorgeous. Fuck more. We love it, love it. Love it. There was just one episode where it was just like sexy and after sexy. And I was like, just glob it on. This is like the I love it. I like it.

I love it. I can't get enough at the fucking. in Coldstone Creamery. Like, I can't eat all of this sex. It's too much. I have a tummy ache now. Yeah, I love it, but my back is starting to. I have too much oil. I have a chafing injury.

Yeah, if we could just... I'm tearing. Yeah. But, like, yeah, I just, I love it. I love, too, that, like, you know, Viola's the lead character, and she's not the only woman on the show. It's not like she's a wacky liar. Right.

She's represented in, like, all different forms. Like, and it's diverse cast. Like, you know, diversity in television, probably never work again for saying this, is one black woman on the show. No, it's true. But it's true. No, you're going to worry. No. Having been the one black person on the show, having been the wacky best friend, it's sassy. It's sassy. It's true. They did a whole piece in New York Times about how it, like, it was like the sassy black friend. You know what I mean? That that was like the way that shows got their diversity. All right. At least there's somebody. We got it. We got it. The buddy, the high-fiving basketball friend from the office or whatever. Who's like a joke. Yeah, exactly. It comes in with the punchlines. Yeah. And this woman is, she's not the only woman. on the show. And like, what I love, too, about, like, this might be specific to Chondaland or it might

be specific to our show or it just might be, like, a blessing. But even the crew is, like, is diverse. And, like, there are, it's just, I love it. It feels like the world. Yeah. It doesn't feel like, yeah, it doesn't feel like I'm, like, walking onto a set on a hot, it's like, there are people, like, I just love it. I think, I love when I work to on a show or a film. And there isn't this like system like this cast system where like you have to only talk to the act like where you can mingle with everyone and everyone is the family I just I love it love it love it and I think it's it's smart like the women who like play the judges it's not like a one off I just not a one-off yeah it's not a one-woman show not a one anything show and there have been really love like even even like maybe like the gay storyline that there's the one guy who's gay but then we have this nice backstory now with viola having this girlfriend And she was like at this, I guess not in college, maybe. Like there's just, it is more like the world. We got one, we got a gay guy.

We got a gay guy. We got a guy. We got a guy. We got a good. Yeah, we did it. We handled it. It's done. Cannot have a gay guy and a lesbian.

That's too much. That's not how the real world is guys. Every group of friends only has one gay. There's only one token gay and then everyone can go home and be relaxed. But no one feels unsafe. Yeah. No one feels challenged. It's real.

It writes like, you know, and the thing too is like someone watching the show can be turned on. because you watch television like this and there's always a sex scene, but there's something for everyone too. Everybody gets it. Everybody gets it. Everybody gets it. Yeah. It's so great. Now, when did you shoot Slow Learners? Was it in between? Was it between seasons? Was it before? I shot it in 2013. I shot it in 2013. No, I'm a lying. You're a lying liar who lies. I shot it last May. Okay. Yeah. 2014, that seemed, that makes sense to me. That was that was about right. And then, and then it got into Tribeca, and we went in April of 2015. Okay, yeah, that's right.

I'm forgetting my life. But, yeah, we spent a month shooting it in Media, Pennsylvania. Adorable. It was, it's actually like a beautiful town. Very nice Trader Joe's. Oh, good. Substantial parking lot. I have to tell you something.

If there is a Trader Joe's, a town has made it. Yeah, if you've got a Trader Joe's, you don't have to worry. You're all set. I don't, I don't want to be like a jingoistic American exporting our culture elsewhere, but, like, Trader Joe's is fucking. You want apricots. You want a bag of them. You want them for a good price.

You want some frozen shit. You never even knew you had never had that now you have. You got a bag of shrimp in the freezer. You're good to go on a night when you do pro-shame. Char shoe, like shoe my dumplings and this bean burrito that you just... Mochi. Dude, I have a boner just talking about Trader Joe's.

I love it so much. There's problem, though. Those is like, if all of Trader Joe's, like, if all the tasks, if they're like on some retreat and they're listening to this podcast right now, get a fucking clue about the parking situation. No, no, no, no, no. yesterday, I left set. There was a Trader Joe's across from our location.

And I thought, I need to go to the Trader Joe's. And there was a Trader Joe's right across the street. I'm just going to drive over there. I drove over there. I literally drove around the parking lot and left. I could not find a spot. The stress in 14th Street in Manhattan on the east side, the first Trader Joe's opened up in Manhattan.

And when you walked in, the line, and they separated, because it's New York, they sold the wine in a separate store. So the wine department wasn't even there. It was just the food. The line wrapped around. If you walked in right to your immediate left is the cashier station. There's like 25 cashiers. The line for the cashiers wrapped around the entire store so that it was hitting you.

Back. With the flag standing, you're almost like walking into their pants as you're walking in the store. So you immediately have a complete and total anxiety attack. And of course, people are shopping online. Also, by the way, if you went into like the Vons or the Safeway or the Big Leaguebee or whatever in your neighbor, and there was a line like that, you'd be like, fuck it, fuck the Big League Bay. You go home. But there's something about, like, I have to go to Trader Joe's because the things I need only live inside the Trader Joe's.

And now I can't have Jojo's and I need the Chukkah Jojos. And I feel like anxious. I got out of that trouble oil, bitch it! They have this thing at Christmas. It's coming out now. It hasn't come out yet. It's called, oh, what is it called? Jingle jangle.

It's like a Christmas mix. But it has Rine and Green Eminemes chocolate-covered mint Oreo cookies dark chocolate covered mint Oreo cookies

tiny dark chocolate peanut butter cups and chocolate covered pretzels and I have to tell you something that I would murder a human being for this stuff

and that person would thank you Yeah and they'd be like I understand I understand I'd be like here's some chocolate covered shit

I'm sorry that you had to die for this but no no no there's better better better you than me than you know

but you're not leaving oh the trade dress is the line so I'll go to the regular store and get Oreos no it doesn't work like that only lives

inside this place Oh, I... Oh, yeah. Everything, dude. Everything, everything. Everything. Like, I just went to Trader Joe's the other day, and I was like, oh, did you guys just open up when the other one closed?

I don't know why I was, like, fascinated by this. Is it the one in Glendale? Yeah. One in Glendale closed, the other one opened down the street. Yeah. Totally. The manager there or... It's a bigger one.

A bigger one order to open down the street. It's very nice. It's very nice, and it has a bigger parking lot. Yeah, I was impressed by that. There was, like, four spots, and I was like, what world is this? But I said something, and he asked the guy he worked with. And the guy started talking and he was like super socialist. He's like, well, you have to understand.

And he was like giving this guy like an economic lesson. About like, wait, I'm so curious. What was the topic of his dissertation? The guy was like, hey, did we just like close the other one and then open this one? I don't know how this guy got into the thing. But he was like, you have to understand. Anytime any he's open or closed, they make $30,000 a day. And like they're doing over.

Like he was saying something along the lines of like, it doesn't matter if one closes and one shuts down. They're still making so much money. and this is the way that like the corporate man serves himself. And then he got like really strange. My pear fell on the ground. And he was like, let me get you another one. I was like, no. Because I get weird when like people touch your produce.

Well, yeah, I was like, it's fine. I got this. I can get it. Yeah. And he was like, no, let me. And he goes, let me at least give you a free pair. And I was like, oh, this is. What is it mean?

What does it mean? This guy is like super. It's like somebody saying hello to you in Brooklyn. What does this mean? Yeah. What do you want? Take your fucking pair. Save your.

Comey. But he was really interesting. And they're like, okay, cool. I honestly just wanted to know when this opened, but like, I'll get into it. Sure, we can do it. Let's do some dialectic. That was, by the way, for everybody out there who doesn't have a Trader Joe's in your town, and you think this is, like, if you have been to a Trader Joe's, you understand, like,

the emotional relationship. It is weird when, like, there isn't a Trader Joe's around. It's, but also, I have friends, like, or they're, like, whatever, in, like, rural Massachusetts, and they're like, we got a Trader Joe. Yeah, like, we got a Trader Joe's. Yeah. Welcome to the world, buddy. You're never going to live until you go and you get your cashews.

Your chocolate cover almonds. They have pistachios that are shelled for you. What? It's crazy. Whatever I mean. Welcome. All of their frozen food. Just all of it.

Like literally, that's all I have to say. Every single frozen item in that place is genius. Take it. Just do it. Barbecue chicken pizza. I like stocking up occasionally in like frozen fish. Just to have it. That's also making you feel like an adult.

Because when I grew up, my mom was like a mom who like went to the supermarket once a week and she had stuff. And she'd get the same stuff like spaghetti night and I've got these stables. Yeah. I stopped eating chicken and beef when I was 14. But like, yeah, I really pissed my. Well, I went, I went to buy tickets to see The Cure. I love this story already. It was a turner.

It was like a life turner, whatever. And there was this girl named Tracy. and she was she had like Robertsman hair she was wearing like all black good mock turtle neck black like that kind of cure fan and like an army navy bag and like some sort of boot exactly what I wanted to be she was like a couple years older than me she was in high school she was super cool and she was like smoking a clove and she was like I don't understand why like people would like eat animals and and honestly like she could have been like I don't understand why people don't eat their own shit turds

And I would have been like, me too. I meet my own shit turd. What is a shit turd? But I'll eat it. I have to pull the cork out first. I've had a cork in my assholes since I was eight because I don't like a mess. I'm very tired. I'm a back eight.

Very toxic. But like I, she was, she spoke to me. And then I started looking into like animals welfare. And I got, I like, I like announced it. Yeah. My dad was like, what are you talking about? Like, you're not going to like, you're going to like eat field paw? I'm like, what?

Never again? With like no sausage? That is not what he sounds like, but, you know. I need that to be what he sounds like. He actually is fucking awesome. His accent is super long island. But like, but he like looks like, you know, Charles Manson and just 70s. But like, but they were kind.

My mom was accepting because I don't think she ate meat at that time because it kind of made her grossed out. But like, yeah, I ate a lot of cheese sandwiches for a couple of. years. Right, right. That's the thing about being a young vegetarian. You have no idea what you're like buttered noodles. Buttered noodles would do. I'll hate my life in college when I turned into like a circle of flesh and I have no cheekbones in my body, but like in my face. But but she changed, you know, we had we spent like there was like my best friend, Keri and I went and there were a couple other people and she was one of them. We were like waiting for bracelets to buy tickets. We were taking us very seriously. Yeah, very seriously. But she changed. She changed my life. She changed my

life. Yeah. And I never saw her again. Oh, God, no. This is a tragedy. Yeah, she died. No, I don't know. I'm just kidding. No, I'm sure she's living. You're a big movie star, so she's probably, she's probably she was you. She's still smoking a clove. She's still smoking the one clove. So you have this brilliant movie out and you have this great TV show out. So your life is perfect. Yeah, I'm amazing. I look great in a bikini. I don't exercise and I can't gain. It's just so frustrating. I've been drinking milkshakes, you guys. I'm just trying to get a couple of beers. Yeah, I just want like a little curbier.

You just drink milkshakes and drink a lot of beer. Just add a little bit to my curves. Oh, it's so annoying. I try to work out, but, oh, and my book's getting published and I'm painting again. So, yeah, like, all that shit. Is that true? No. No, I wish.

That would be rad. You, uh, you're, but you say you are writing and you do write. And do you write, let's the funny things. What do you write? Well, you know, it's funny until, like, I hear. it out loud. And I'm like, oh, fuck. But I'm writing, like, I actually, like, the last almost, I would say, like, about a year my writing has ceased. I haven't written, like, and I moved, and I haven't, there's a couple things I have to kind of, because I worked a bunch after I moved, and I haven't,

there's a couple things, like, if I can get this in place. Just you want to, like, create a space for yourself, to be creative, yeah. There's a lot of stuff. And it's finally, my brain is kind of going back there, and I'm kind of thinking, oh, okay, here we go again. And it would be like stuff I'd write for me to do. Yeah, of course. Which you're like in a great position now to do, like to write for yourself. I think getting to know you as a performer. That would be great.

I think I would be thrilled to like, because I think a lot, this like, you know, how to get her with murder I think has shown. This woman came up to me the other day in the store and she was like, hey, I'm a fan of yours. I just want you know I really like what you do because I like how diverse you are and how you can actually accomplish what you're doing. She gave me a, and I was like, that's cool. cool. Because, you know, sometimes you get seen only as like the sassy best friend or like, you know, the mommy or, you know, and you're serving someone else's needs. But like if you're like, oh, I can do this. It's cool, too. It's interesting because I think in the past people didn't understand that. They're like, why are you funny or are you a geron? Oh, yeah. Like, what do you do? Like, what do you do? Like, what do you do? Like, what do you do? Like, what do you do? I'm like, what's your favorite thing to do? I was like, what's your favorite thing to do? I was like, what's your favorite? And I was like, ooh, that's your favorite. But it's also like.

Are you good, dude? You're going to, sit in the door opening night, okay? Just, you know, call your mom. But, like, you know, just, like, I want to work. I want to do stuff. I want to try stuff. I might not be graded at all, but, like, I'd be curious to try, you know. I'm not going to make anyone listen to me sing or anything, but, like, you know, I have much more respect for the human race.

But I want to work. I want to, you know, and, you know, there's a small window, too, where you can kind of put your finger in a lot. And I want to take advantage of that and not be like, oh, dang. Right, right. No, you don't want to look back and literally the motto should be I don't want to look back and go, oh, dang. Yeah. You want to look back and be like, I stepped in my blood that day.

I stepped in my blood. I ate a cork out of my asshole. I ate a shit turd. I fucking said somebody's house on fire. I told that guy to go fuck himself. Thank you, Tracy. I made a hot dog. Yeah.

That's what you want, and that shirt is going to be like a dress. Right? Because there's a lot of words on. Some on the front and some on the back. And there's going to be like a Frankie goes to hot. Or it'll be like, I'm trying to think of what's that one band. not radio, but like radio head. We're like, you have to look really close to see all that stuff.

You know what I mean? It's like one of those t-shirts. It's like, you have to look real. I've to stare at your boobs for like 10 minutes. And like, oh, you did a lot of stuff. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow, you got a lot going on. And I still don't understand the stepping in your own bloodline, but it's,

things are happening. Okay, it's time for self-inflicted wounds. I think, you know, I don't, this is a specific story. I think, of course it is. It's what isn't. So this is a general story. Imagine a person to do a thing, the end. I was like breathing one day and then like there was a weird and then I went to bed.

That happened to me too. Yeah, it's a while. It's very specific. I went, I performed the Upper Citizens Brigade in New York City. And every year in like July they have this thing called the Del Close Marathon. And it's 72 hours of improv straight. Wow. There used to be two men that would sit in the whole, one would sit in the front row.

I don't know his name. There's also a man named John Ward who was in a one-act play that I did while I was there and he was like a former physicist and when he retired he's like, I want to try improv. So he was like in his late 60s at the time and he eventually went on to how to,

who wants to be a millionaire and won money and my friend and I went as his support team. I love it. Super cool guy. And he used to sit there the whole time and watch the show. And it was just like The whole 72 hours. whole 72 hours.

It's impressive. It's crazy. Didn't fall asleep, but it's here? Sure, they did. Because, by the way... I had you, like, go to the bathroom. I fall asleep in my car at stop lights, so I don't understand. I can't...

I cannot finish a movie. I'm just like, I fall asleep mid-sentence, like, in a conversation. Like, there's something neurologically off. But there'd be, like, 72, it would start with a parade, and then, like, we would, like, do three days of this. And now it's become this huge thing. And it's multiple theaters throughout the... the city in New York. Anyway, because I was like a resident team member, it was kind of like you're hosting people, and there's a huge party in the back, and people could drink a weekend and,

you know, get high, do whatever they want to do. But there'd be a huge party for people who performed, kind of in the green room. And the last theater that we were in in New York, which was this stinky little onion place underneath the Burger King, they had this like, system of hallways that led to another VIP, like party room VIP with air quotes around it and just like a stinking, dripping

hallway in Midtown Manhattan underneath the Burger King and people just partying and partied and I partied and I don't smoke pot but this night I was like getting drunk and then like I took a drag off of a joint and then was like I haven't smoked pot in 10 years

and my friend Bobby was like what the fuck and like my friends Paul and June were leaving and we're like Sarah I think we saw you being like shoveled into a tech go is drunk very drunk yeah and um got into a taxi and I get really nauseous in cars oh yeah and then by the way New York taxi New York taxi it always smelled it's like the vomit easy button people are yeah I sat in vomit once oh I stuck my hand once to put the seat belt on and like I reached and there's a whole crack of the seat was just filled with human ejecta so It's so grim.

I sat in, like, what I believe was urine once and was like, eh, it's fine. It's jeans. And was not immediately motivated to return home and change my pants. I was like, it's fine. Like, what kind of a fucking degenerate does not wipe? Like, I had someone else's waist on me. And I was like, it's fine. You know how long we've been trying to get in a little Frankie's?

But, like, I don't know. I just, I just was an asshole. But, like, because you're so like, you're like, oh, I'm done. What am I going to do? It's difficult. This island is huge. It's going to take me so long to go home. Oh, come on. It's too much. Fuck it. It's someone else's urine. It's not going to. I'm not drinking it.

We're not having sex right now. It's not like, inside of me. I'm fine. I'm fine. But like I got into a taxi and I would always get nauseous and more so and I'm drunk and high. And take, you know, like all the way from the west side, midtown, all the way across the city and over the bridge and into Greenpoint, Brooklyn. And on the way home, I threw up out the window and just, like, kind of fell asleep. And very classy.

Like, I'm in chandelion, whatever. Just winning. What I'm doing is, like, I'm not afraid of success. No, you're not. And I just own it. Like a woman. And by the way, I just vomited it and I kept going. Kept going.

You got to power through. You got to put your head down and you got to do the work. I showed up that day. I'm about the work. I'm always about the work. lunch in and I just don't stop. I sit in other people's urine, I barf out the window, and I take my nap. And so this poor man who at the time,

the do list completed. Thank you, I'm done. I dropped the mic. And like, you know, this is before too, like where Greenpoint was like super cool. Like this is pretty like girls where everyone, you know. Wants to live there. And so I, you know, you'd have to help this poor person. And this was after when people you'd be like Brooklyn and they'd drive off.

But, like, I got there, we got, and we pulled into the spot in front of my apartment building, and I paid him. He goes, cool. Now, who cleans that? And I go, who cleans what? And he's like, who cleans the vomit? And I was like, I don't know. It's not my vomit. I have vomit on my coat and down the side of the taxi that I'm, the door that I'm sitting next to on the window.

And I'm arguing with this man that that's not my vomit. And get into a shower. match about like I'm not cleaning that shit up like who kind of a fucking asshole am I like I'm not not clean and my boyfriend at the time came out and was like what the fuck and I'm like he's trying to and it ended and he just like was like I don't respect or like you in this moment go upstairs he's like and the next day he's like I had to clean up your vomit apologize the guy give him money to like you know like you suck But it's like you look at a person, you vomit on you.

This is what? You know how many people are in the city? This is the big apple. Anyone could vomit into a town. Anyone could issue a wave of vomit and it could get into my taxi and get on my vintage coat and down the side of the taxi. And I'm the side of my face. Okay, obviously because I'm a woman and you are trying to take my rights away. Like this is the kind of like righteous indignation I'm like going after.

And the guy is like, ugh. I just in my head now this is picture number three you've created someone is vomiting from like the second story of like so voluminously that it blows on the taxi inside the window on your

face down your jacket while you're sleeping while you're sleeping just taking a break from the world happy as a clam and someone is we need to do a day and a like we should have gone and gotten forensics we should check the cameras the traffic cams and this is not the first time it's happened so this is

not the first time whereas my lawyer like really like you know it's my dad said once like don't lie don't be a liar but if you do lie don't get caught so it's like just keep just commit to it there's vomit in your chin

well that was a lot of vomit it was really high volume obviously this person's very sick get the CDC in here because I'm dying you just swab yeah it was me I vomited and I feel very proud of how

like that's probably not even like the lowest depth. But, like, that's pretty... That's a good one. It's a good one also because you drew so many people into your, like, circle of doom, like, the driver, and then your boyfriend had to come out and then...

I'm sure my... There's no way neighbors wouldn't hear the shouting match. No, over, like, him taking away your vomit rights. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just because I get you. I'm an actress and stupid. Sexist.

Sexism. Oh, great. I'm not actually being assaulted, but my... rights are being assaulted. This is precisely like the level where it's like you gotta give up. You got to know that right. You're like, it's time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's time to go inside. Just see your boyfriend's face. You go, okay. Yeah, he just like, because he just was like, it's, you know, it's no good, right. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I suck. I'm human garbage. No, just trying to prove a point. This was awesome. Oh my God. It was so much fun.

Yeah, this is a blast. Thank you for having me. Thanks for being my show. That was Sarah Burns. I loved her. I just loved her. I was like, we have to give drinks. We have to hang out. You're the funniest. She's the funniest. That's just, you heard it. I don't have to tell you. I have to persuade you that this woman was funny. And she's also a really talented actress. Like I said, her movie Slow Learners is out now on iTunes and other on-demand facilities. Facilities, media holes. It's out on demand in iTunes right now. It was always to on the 15th of December. And you can also watch her, like I said, in the end of season one and all of

season two of how to get away with murder, where she turns in a sensational, riveting performance. She is both delightful and enervating. That is what it can be said about Sarah Burns' performance in season two of How to Get Away with Murder, delightful and enervating. Not her acting, but the character she plays is, ooh, you love the hate her. So check that out. She's pretty great. You guys are the greatest. You guys are pretty great. You are my army. You are a legion. I hope you are just sucking the marrow out of the bone of the holidays. Don't let it get to you. Don't let your friends get to you. Definitely don't let your family get to you. And if you don't give a fuck about the commercialism and bullshit of the Christmas and Hanukkah, Krasanaka, Christmas,

I ignore it completely. I encourage you just to have a good time and not let the pressures of commercialism and gifting and money and stuff and all that crap get to you because fuck that. noise. Have something boozy. Hug the people you love. Walk your dog. Watch a movie. Stay in your sweatpants for the rest of the year. I am not your mom. Do what you want. Life is short. Get out there and kick some ass. You guys are the greatest. You are my army. You are sensational. You're delightful. Hopefully you are comfy. And you're a Legion. I'll touch you in the next one. Late. Girl on Guy is a production of Hot Machine. Blowing shit up.

since 2009.