Girls Gone Bible - Codependency & People Pleasing | Girls Gone Bible

Episode Date: June 20, 2025

Hiiii GGB!   This week we’re diving into codependency & people pleasing, and how these patterns can show up in our relationships. We’re unpacking what it really means to live for an audience of One, why setting boundaries is biblical, and how to let go of the pressure to be everything for everyone.   Episode starts at around 16 mins.   we love you so much. Jesus loves you more. -Ang & Ari   You can order our new book “Out of the Wilderness— 31 Devotions to Walk with God Through Your Hardest Seasons” at girlsgonebible.com/book   Good Ranchers Good ranchers special offer for this month: Free ground beef, bacon, chicken nuggets, or salmon in every order for a year + $40 off with code GGB. https://go.goodranchers.com/ggb   Miracle Made Upgrade your sleep with Miracle Made! Go to https://trymiracle.com/GGB and use the code GGB to claim your FREE 3 PIECE TOWEL SET and SAVE over 40% OFF.   JOIN US ON GGB+ 🥹❤️ https://ggb.supportingcast.fm   WE ARE ON THE OFFICIAL GIRLS GONE BIBLE LIVE TOUR! www.girlsgonebible.com/tour   WE LOVE YOU AND CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU!

You know we haven't done the intro probably the last three times. I don't think so. Hi guys, I'm Ange. And I'm R. And this is Girls Gone Bible. We are a faith-based podcast where we talk all things, spirituality, mental health, relationships, everyday life. You guys, we are going through it every day, every week, learning something about God, learning something

about ourselves. And basically this podcast is where we take you guys on, give you an inside look on our journey in life with faith with Jesus. And we tell you guys what he's teaching us, what he's doing in our lives. And my gosh, I will never get over the fact that Jesus gave us the opportunity to be on Girls Gone Bible and do this every single week where we just let people into what we're going through and what He's teaching us. It's so cool. It's the coolest thing ever. For people who don't have community, which you have to get community and you have to get plugged into a local church, it's one of the most important things that you can do.

Truly getting planted and plugged into a church and like being in a church family. But for a lot of people, like I didn't have community for a long time and I know I definitely relied on podcasts a lot. And so yeah, we're just so grateful that we get to do this. So I was cracking up on the way here because I saw a comment from the last episode and somebody wrote,

remember on the Philip Mitchell podcast and I was crying, yes, why are you crying, I know, and I said I just I can't I just feel so bad for those kids and somebody commented it was like why do you always call us kids? I feel like you're like our kids, I should probably stop saying that. We decided recently you guys, because someone said, I think someone messaged us, or no, we saw someone in person. They were like, you guys are like, you're not like my moms. They're like, you're like my aunties. And I was like, dude, we're so your aunties. Like it's auntie engine. It's auntie are maybe a little too old to be your sister Maybe too young to be your mom, but we're your aunt

Where the aunties who don't have kids of our own so we just Dude I miss Lily loose Guys I I miss Lillilouche. I miss Lillilouche. Guys, I have to show you this photo. My mom took a photo of them on FaceTime and it's just Lillilouche, Lillibut, with his little legs. My nephew, you guys, his name is Liam, I think he's like two. Great aunt, don't know how old he is. He is the, like, I'm gonna eat his thighs.

Like I'm little. They're so fat and chunky. Oh, Louche, and I call him Louche. I don't know. They're so fat and chunky. Oh, luge. And I call him luge. I don't know why, it doesn't mean anything in Albanian, but I go luge and now John goes luge. Now his friend Johnny, every five seconds, luge. And it's just Ari, luge. So you guys, we're all gonna start calling each other luge. Luge.

Love you, luge. We're gonna get wrecked. For talking in baby voice like that. What's up, A? What's up? You guys, you know what the most beautiful thing about doing? Some people batch their episodes. Some people are super professional,

and they are months ahead in filming episodes. Ari and I, we film weekly, because we don't know how to get ahead because we're we're by the week we don't know how to get ahead our team it begs us to get ahead we don't know how but the beautiful thing about that is that we get to tell you guys what's happening now this week on Friday we release what just happened this week. What happened? So Ari and I traveled. We went to Atlanta. We went to Nashville. We were promoting our book, Out of the Wilderness, a 31-day devotional.

And if you guys haven't gotten your copy, I really, really encourage you guys, we are blown away by the response that people have given. When I see you guys posting, reading the devotional, and so many people are messaging me the prayer parts. Like they're messaging me what they're writing, what they're learning. I wanted to read, I screenshotted it, but didn't let me screenshot on Instagram. This girl read one of our devotionals,

and it's the one, I think it was one of mine, about the mind, about anxiety and OCD, and just like mental health stuff. And she was writing in the prayer thing and was like, I just released something that I have not been able to release in years. Like through the devotional that we wrote, but God spoke in. Like we really believe we're not saying we're the greatest writers. We're not saying we're anything special, but what we are saying is that God spoke and He wrote. And so like,

we would love if you guys would get your devotional. You can go to girlsgonebible.com slash book, I believe. Anyway, so Ari and I go to Nashville and we go to Atlanta and we have the best, we haven't spent like a week together like that in a while. And it was just, it's just me and our, it felt like the good old days when we were just like hanging on by a thread. We do six podcasts, one book signing. We're looking at each other like, it was just. It was, yeah.

It was a lot and it was amazing. And just like, there were so many things that happened that I just wish we had a camera on us. Like I just. I don't know why we're- We're- We are the living, live reality of Dumb and Dumber. We are so Dumb and Dumber.

It's not even funny. Guys, we're on this flight. First of all, we're going from Atlanta to Nashville. Somehow, some way, two brains can't get on one flight. We just can't do it. We can't make it. We get to the airport in Atlanta. We have to go to Nashville.

I look at Ari, it's like five minutes before we have to board, but of course I have to go get a snack. I can't. You guys know how I am about the food and the stuff. Like I can't get on a flight without the snacks that I like. But you always have to go last. When everyone's boarding, you have to go in. I'm a type about being on time. I show up two hours early. So right when they say now boarding, Angela

has to say, I'm going to go get a bar. I'm like, and we have to go. I love pushing it. I love pushing it. And then so Ari's, I leave Ari, I go to Starbucks. So of course I have to wait in line for a Spanish Feta wrap and your turkey bacon. And then I'm obviously there for like 15 minutes. It takes so long. And then I get to the gate and I'm standing outside of it and I stand there for five minutes before realizing this is not my gate. And then I call you and I go, Ari, where are we?

She goes, I don't know. She goes, I've had my headphones in. She stands up, she goes to the counter and then says, Ange, we missed our flight. And I said, Ari, you didn't hear them calling our names? And she goes, no, I had my headphones in. I was sitting there and I go, oh, let me put on my headphones. And so I'm looking down, she texts me, she goes,

we have to go, I look over, it says doors closed. I go, Miam, we have to get on the flight, can we get on? She goes, we've been calling you guys' name for seven minutes. And we looked at each other, I get to the thing, and I kinda wanna be mad at her, but she kinda wants to be mad at me, but we both know we're both stupid.

It's both of our fault. And so we kind of look at each other and we say nothing. And it was just like, okay, this is a defeat. And then, so we literally had like, what was it? Two hours. Two hours sitting in there, which made us, we had one hour to get ready for the book signing when we got home.

Ridiculous. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. I get on the plane. Ari and I, usually you guys should see us. Like we're like skinny legends, so we're just so small and so petite and so tiny that like you should see us having to pick up these heavy luggages to put them in the thing. Ari can't even like, you know, she can't even reach the friggin thing. I really can't. I fall. You see Ari take the suitcase and she like tries to get it above her head but then you see her start going down. And then you get pissed at me. You're like, Ari, give me it. I'm like, give me the suitcase. But then you see like five different men of course run

to her aid and try to help her. Thank you so much. You are so kind. Thank you so much. And then of course. A good man. And I say to this man, I go, I was just so out of it, I was so fried.

I go, this man is helping Ari. And I go, wow, you're a good man. Wow, you are a good man. You're going straight to heaven, as long as you believe in Jesus. I'm like, no, dead serious. So she goes, as long as you believe in Jesus. I was dead serious.

And then we sit down, and I've been really scared of turbulence lately. I don't think I've ever seen you like this. I've been, well, you know why. You've been watching the movies. Well, that too. Oh guys, my new hyper fixation, war movies. John and I watch a war movie every single day.

When I'm with people, we watch a war movie. It's actually become a little bit weird. It's making me anxious. I have to stop. No, but my explore feed is full of videos of plane crashes. Really? Yes, because I watch one, and I watch two and then it floods it. This is a PSA to everyone.

Like whatever you click on is gonna. Yeah, so don't click on the psychic readings when you're in a vulnerable moment like I did two and a half years ago. Yeah, no psychic ASMR. Yeah, so Ari and I sit on the plane and then the turbulence starts going and I start freaking out.

She grabs the kid. We have this kid sitting next to us. She's in the middle, I'm in the window seat and the kid's on the aisle. All of a sudden you see her grab by the shirt. I grab his stomach by accident. Like I full on grabbed a man's stomach by accident and I'm like, I'm freaking out, I'm screaming. She goes, ah, stop the plane! I'm like, I'm freaking out. I'm screaming. She goes, ah, stop the plane.

I was like. I did just go, land the plane, land it. Land the plane. Land the plane. I was so scared. Ari, and then Ari's like being like, stop, stop, you're fine, you're fine. And then all of a sudden Ari goes on her and she's like, hey, shit,

like she starts praying in tongues. She starts praying, I'm looking at her. And then literally everybody around us is laughing at us, but it is a really genuine, I'm freaking out. Every time the plane does a little bit of a, ugh. Well, I can't say anything to you because your thing with planes is me with the bugs, with the spiders and stuff.

Yeah, I don't like spiders either though, but you make me kill them, but I don't like them either. I know, and it's weird because you were, aw, boo, you were always right at my house and you had no fear. I loved you. It's because you had to, right? Yeah.

Loved you. I love you. No, literally, it's like when you have kids, any parent, I don't have kids yet, but any It's like when you have kids, any parent, I don't have kids yet, but any parent watching, you know that like, probably when you have fears, once you have kids, you can't really have fear anymore because you gotta protect them.

So there's no room for your fears. So I'm not gonna have fears of the boogers and the poop. Because boogers and poop, huh? Oh, the worst. But if it's your own little luge. Yeah. If it's your own little luge, it's okay. Okay.

No, I don't want no baby's boogers on me. Oh, boogers gross me out. The yellow, slimy ones. This is why I love my sister-in-law so much. She's such a little like clean. She's just so clean and organized and amazing. Her kids are spotless. They don't have runny noses. They don't have food all over them. They don't have a Spider-Man shirt on with runny noses. No, I can't.

Honestly, can I be honest? People used to call me, this is, I was not a cute baby. They used to call me Trolly Rolly. I had flaming red hair, big eyes like the trolls, and my mom used to put it right here on my head. I love, I love. And so they made a theme song about me when I was a baby.

Trolly Rolly, rolling down the street, Trolly Rolly. Yeah, I was so, I look back at baby pictures, I was like, you are not cute. Maybe we'll put a photo up. I don't know if you guys saw my Instagram of me smoking a cigarette. You were adorable when you were a kid. Oh, no I wasn't.

I literally looked like a boy. My mom always, she says I was cute, but I looked like a boy until I was like eight. My green card coming to America said, mail on it. I don't know why. I don't know how I went to school. Did you? Yes, I have a photo of it somewhere.

My green card said, mail. I look like a boy. Albanians said male. I look like a boy. Albanians would cut, I look like a boy because they cut my hair. Anybody's parents cut their hair when they're kids too. It's like a foreign thing. It's so weird. Did you have the bangs?

Yes, I had the bangs. Chip chop bangs. Chip chop bangs. Six red bangs on my head. Exactly. 20 bucks, super cuts. By the time this episode ends, another American family farm will shut down. Not because they stopped working hard, but because the shelves in your grocery store

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What are we talking about today? People pleasing. People pleasing. Something we all struggle with. I don't care who you are, unless you're a narcissist, we all struggle with it in some way. That's also a form of people pleasing because narcissists are obsessed with outside perception and what people think of them and how they perceive them. I'm so excited to talk about this today. We're talking about people pleasing, codependency, looking to others for validation. And we just want

to have like a really nice conversation because lately, as I'm journeying with God, what I've noticed in my own life is that I've done so much work spiritually. My spirit is in such good shape. I fight, I can fight so hard. And then emotionally, I'm a little behind. I have never paid a lot of attention to my emotional life. I've always been someone who like, I can intellectualize my feelings in in as a way to avoid having to feel them and so that's like my biggest weakness is that like I've I avoid emotions I avoid feelings but they come up and then they come up as like triggers like opers yeah explosive reactions

because I don't deal with them on like a normal level. Like when it's not a trigger, when it's not on a 10, like if you deal with your emotions at a one, two or a three, you can actually work through them. But if you wait for them to become a 10, like how are you supposed to, at that point, you're just trying to like survive and get yourself down to normal level. So as I've been journeying with God, and I think you've been going through something so similar, is like through counseling and just through, yeah, God just opening my eyes to so much. Like if I want to have a family, if I want to have kids, if I want to be in ministry

for a long time, like I need to be the type of person that can handle those things. And that means healing. And Jesus heals, but He heals when we look at things. He heals when we open ourselves up and we're honest. And like for a long time, I just, I wasn't aware of what was going on. Do you feel the same? Like we've spent most of our lives, we were never truly, we weren't taught to know what we were dealing with or why we feel the way we do. Do you agree? Yeah, Sanj. Yeah.

Yeah, and so what do you feel like you're working through right now in some of your people pleasing habits? Yeah. So I have been like, so every morning in my quiet time, I literally sit and I open my hands and I don't intercede. I don't fight in the spirit for other people. I do that like in a separate time. You know, I've like made my secret place with Jesus. Sometimes I'll intercede and sometimes I'll go hard, but for the most part, my secret place

is just allowing God to come in and do a work in me. And then I'll have a separate time to intercede for other people so I don't get them too mixed up because I need to receive as much as I need to fight for other people. And sometimes I can just fight for other people and forget that I need to be loved first.

And so I will literally just allow God to take me on a journey in my secret place of like, why am I feeling the way that I am? Why am I going through this? And so what I've, especially the last six months of my life, really the last year, but very intensely the last six months of my life, I've come to realize that I am a raging codependent, like raging people pleaser. I look so much to other people for approval and validation and yeah, so much of my identity is in my friendships, my relationships. So much of my identity is in my friendships, my relationships. And I think something that I've, yeah, and I'll speak to codependency.

I know Ari and I have had a very similar upbringing in a lot of ways, and I'm sure a lot of you guys do too, where codependency is basically bred in an environment where either somebody is mentally ill or somebody has addiction and everybody in the house kind of tiptoes around that person. You learn at a young age to manage somebody else's emotions. Like you read people and you're just like at the mercy of their emotions. Like what are they going through? Are they

having a good day? We're all afraid of this person or multiple people having an outburst or something going wrong. And it's just a really dysfunctional way of growing up. And my upbringing, so Albanians are like, so much of my life is cultural. So much of how I am and why I am and the things I deal with is because of the culture that I grew up in. So Albanians are kind of like, I mean, I love being Albanian so much.

You guys know I love being Albanian. And of course, every culture, every place, every type of people, there are weaknesses and there are strengths. And I think Albanians, and not just Albanians, like Eastern Europeans and foreign people in general, the beautiful thing about them is that they're so close. Like they're all like, they're so loyal, they're so close. And like, my problems are your problems,

your problems are my problems. Oh, you need somewhere to stay? I'll take you in at my own expense. And it's beautiful. And then I think as you get older, you realize like, that's not the healthiest thing in the world always. And I used to love how we were until I realized it actually has caused so much chaos in my life

because I don't have boundaries. And do you feel like people overstep them and then you feel bitter? Yeah, I think in foreign families a lot of the time, they treat American families, from what I've noticed, probably not all of them, healthy American families, from what I've seen. That was never in my mind.

Yeah. Not anymore. Healthy American families, I see they like, they like protect children. They're like, don't talk about this in front of the kids. Don't fight about this in front of the kids. Like you protect the kids because they have the resources to know that everything they do affects them. Whereas I think in foreign families, specifically like immigrant families where they're just

simply trying to survive. No offense, but they don't have time or the resources to think about gentle parenting and is this going to affect them when they're older. So I think maybe kids of my generation, especially immigrant kids, a family affair was always like the kids are involved. And I feel like growing up, I was treated as an adult

from a really young age, which has so many pros, right? It makes you mature, it makes you strong. Like everything that I am that's good is because of my mom. Like period. And I think, you know, I'm like a kid and I'm getting led into conversations that cause you to worry about things that you shouldn't worry about when you're a child.

And I think a lot of people who are listening and a lot of us, like, say your parents are getting a divorce, like as children sometimes we're led into that when we shouldn't be, or like we're led into our families or our parents marital issues, we're led into that when we shouldn't be, or like we're led into our families or our parents marital issues, we're led into people's fights, or there's a sibling or a family member that's mentally ill or addicted and now everybody hovers around one person and it's just not a healthy environment where everybody has like autonomy over their own selves, you know? Yeah. And so that caused me, and like, I'm obsessed with my mom and I love her so much.

And I've like, I remember being so young and being protective over her, like a child and being like, I need to protect my mom. I need to save my mom. And obviously that's so unhealthy. And it created like a savior complex in me from a really young age. And like Ari knows this.

The second that I see somebody in trouble or hurting or whatever, I literally think that I am the one who's supposed to save them. Like I make myself Jesus in people's lives. And like I have been so rebuked by God that He's like, you are not God. Stop. You're not their Savior. It's not good for you and it's not good for them. But I grew up like, being needed at a young age.

Like, people needed me. People relied on me. They tugged on me. So now, if I'm being honest, like, I don't even know how to be in a friendship or in a relationship where people don't on me. So now, if I'm being honest, I don't even know how to be in a friendship or in a relationship where people don't need me. Like, I rely, my validation comes from being needed. And it's hard to admit because it's weird and I'm still working through it, but I thrive when people need me.

And then the second that they don't need me though, like where's my worth? Wow. Do I have value apart from somebody needing me? Do I have value just as Angela in somebody's life? And so that's what I'm working through for the past like six months of like, I really, really depend on other people

I really depend on the people that I don't have like I have a lot of friends. I know this I'm like I have my people and then I give them everything But then I give them everything and then I'm like, okay, but then who am I apart from this? What have you done this past six months to improve that, to come out of that? Honestly, I've started counseling. Counseling has been good. My mentor, Dana, is my life. Having somebody who's older and seasoned and incredibly wise who like, can I be honest guys?

I think what's been pivotal in my life is that I just tell the truth. I think we all as people, like we can't help it, but we say things in a way. It's shame. Shame is like masking. You want to mask even when you're supposed to be honest, you still express things in a way that kind of makes you look, I don't know, it just, I've gotten to a place where I'm like, okay, I have to be so honest about everything, about every impurity,

about every struggle that I have. Because that's the only way that I'm going to heal. And so I've been spending, I spend so much time talking to a mentor who walks me through things and tells me things that I really don't wanna hear. For example, like one time I remember she told me like, what did she say, something like, she just made me like recognize the insecurity in me that if I am not pulled on and tugged on, I actually don't believe that I have value apart from that.

And I spend every day, you guys, almost every single day in the secret place with Jesus, and I choose to allow Him to attack these areas in me because they have to heal, because it's not working. It's just not. I've realized like I have a suffocating need for people to like me. I have a debilitating need for the audience to like me. You know? And so I can say all day long,

don't fear man, but fear God. Your identity is in Christ alone. You don't need approval from anybody except Jesus. We live for an audience of one. But at what point does that go from here to here truly? That's beautiful. And I have to be honest that like, I feel like just the fear of God has hit me so much recently where I'm like, okay, I tell people every week, identity in Christ alone, identity in

Christ alone. My identity is not in Christ alone. My identity is in me as Ari's best friend, truthfully, my identity is me in Girls Gone Bible. My identity is me as John's girlfriend. My identity is me as the savior of my family. And like, you know what I mean? Like, there's so many, there's so many things that, yeah, we'll talk about identity later, but it's even that of just getting so honest of being like, I'm saying these things, but they're not even, they're not fully true. They're not true yet. And right. We never get to a place of complete perfection where you never have your identity. Like it's, you're going to be 85 and in process, but it's about being honest and recognizing and not continuing to live with

this behavior. And I think like even right, having a savior complex or being a people pleaser and being even codependent, like there's benefits to those things. There are, because it does make you a good friend. It does make you there for people. So I think I've been able to justify for a long time. Like this makes me a good person though. Even like with disordered eating, there's benefits to having an eating disorder. It makes you look good. Like, you know what I mean?

Wow. So can you explain that a little more? So I'm just saying that like, like what do you mean it makes you look good? Like having an eating disorder will make you thin, right? Oh, oh, okay. So there's benefits to the bad things that we do or the sins in our life or the bad habits or the ways of being that God wants to remove from your life. There are so many ways we can justify those things because there are pros. So I think finally I got to a point with codependency

that I was like, I can't live like this anymore. What is my family gonna be like? What am I gonna be codependent on my kids and ruin my kids' lives? Do you know what codependency with your children does to them? It makes them codependent and it gives them... So I think that's where a lot of this came in for me that I'm like, I have have to change I have to heal I cannot do this with my

children you know what I mean there is something about true honesty and vulnerability that is so beautiful and this moment with you. Of just like being so raw like that. It honestly just set me free. I'm just, I can't like, as your best friend like sitting across from you hearing, you're just sitting there like, when I'm looking at you right now I see a girl who's completely humbled

herself who's just emptied herself out and you're like right now you're like I don't care about opinion of man I want to help these people and it truly me watching you in this moment was probably one of the most beautiful things I've ever watched of you. I love you, thank you. That was so freeing to hear you and I just hope we can all start being honest. Start being honest.

Because I'm sure in this moment, I know hearing you in that moment, it's like what you said, like shame just, it loses its power and then he can get to work once you in that moment. It's like what you said, like shame just, it loses its power. And then he can get to work once you start being honest. Yeah. What?

No, and I was just gonna say, and it's just, yeah, and not blaming. I think that's where I'm finally starting to be like, okay, it's just so easy to blame people and things. And I'm like, and it's good to know why you're like this and what happened to you. But then at some point, and I'm like this. And it's good to know why you're like this and what happened to you. But then at some point, like I'm- Blaming yourself or blaming others?

Both, blaming yourself even, blaming others. Blaming yourself is the worst actually because it keeps you stuck in victim. You're a victim to yourself. Even blaming yourself is the worst thing you can do. And I think there's just so much freedom and empowerment of being like, OK, this is just what it is, right? This is just what it is.

I remember when I first started to hear the word codependent, because I was wondering why there's no stability with codependence. Like, you think it's good because it gets you attached to people. Can I read just the- Please. Okay, so this is what codependency is.

Codependency is when your sense of worth and identity becomes overly tied to the approval, wellbeing or behavior of another person. So if your identity becomes tied to approval from other people, from one person, from multiple people, from an audience, your identity being attached to somebody's well-being, you and I both, this is our thing. It is. This is our thing. You and I don't know.

We're very co-dependent on each other. Oh, and on each other. Oh, I thought that's what you were gonna say. And with everybody. You and I don't know how to see somebody in pain and just like gently be there for them. We automatically think, right? And like empathy is great.

Empathy is important, but like let's just be really honest with ourselves. Like you and I, because it brings us, because of the abandonment moons that we have, it actually brings like a false sense of fulfillment when we jump into somebody's mess with them and like, you know what I mean? And we're so attached to their wellbeing.

If they're okay, we can be okay. And that's just not the way that we're supposed to live. And then characteristics, okay? People pleasing at the expense of your own needs or values, difficulty setting boundaries or saying no, you and I, we say yes, we don't know how to say no to anybody, anything. And it's funny. Yeah, we have. It's funny until it's not though, you know, it's low self-esteem or seeking approval and validation from others. Codependency has caused so much low self-esteem in my life

because I'm not letting Jesus give me my confidence. I'm not letting him validate me. I'm literally looking to other people who will never fully validate you. So true. Caretaking or enabling another person's destructive behaviors, example, addiction, the fear of abandonment or rejection, and over-identifying, which

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I've seen it in my own life. It's so painful. It will rock the foundation of your identity. You know, the past six months to year that I've like been aware of my codependence and I've been just trying to be healthier. It's actually made me feel a lot worse to begin with. And I feel like I'm only just now like reaping the benefits of this hard work that I've been trying to do, because while you're breaking codependence with people, while you're trying to be less dependent or less of a savior, it is so painful.

You lose, I've like lost my identity trying to break co-dependence with everybody in my life. Trying to be a healthier person has caused me to like, it's rocked my world because I'm like, who am I? I don't, it's been a lot. So it's hard. Breaking co-dependence is so hard, but it's so necessary.

And there are videos that you can watch and talking to a counselor and like being open with the person that you're codependent with and be like, hey, I feel like we're not completely healthy. I feel like I'm just, I'm thrown around by your emotions. You're thrown around by mine. I feel like we're too emotionally invested in each other's lives.

And right, this all sounds amazing to people who are codependent because you want, I want that. I want someone to be overly inappropriately invested in my life because I wanna be that invested in theirs. But finally, I'm at a point where I'm like, but it's not healthy and it's not what Jesus wants for us. Like he wants us to live a full healthy life, you know?

Yes. So how do you feel like people pleasing codependence has? Well, I, I was doing a little bit of research and I read something that just hit. Yeah. And it says people pleasing often develops as a coping mechanism, especially in childhood. Yeah. When a child feels abandoned, whether emotionally, physically,

or even just neglected in subtle ways, they may internalize the belief that love is conditional. Yeah. So they start performing, being extra good, accommodating, are helpful in hopes of keeping the people they love close. Yeah. And on my journey of people pleasing, are helpful in hopes of keeping the people they love close. And on my journey of people pleasing, I've realized that it definitely comes from my childhood.

And I just think about my journey, you know, even in my last relationship, of staying too long, completely abandoning my needs. You know, I was in a relationship for almost four years and I was suffering so internally because I knew what I needed. And I was completely just abandoning what was right.

And so I knew what I needed, but I kept compromising thinking I was being sacrificial when really I was betraying myself. And so I learned so much from that relationship of just staying longer and being like, but he needs time. And then I ended up getting heartbroken because I betrayed my needs and compromised to the point of pleasing somebody else and completely forgetting about what I needed.

And so that was the start of my journey of people pleasing. But I think because of the trauma I face from that heartbreak, my people pleasing got so much worse because of that abandonment of him just leaving and never hearing from him again. became so... Just... Yeah, I think my level of abandonment issues went to another level. And when I get into a fight with someone, I start going into panic mode,

and oftentimes I'll be like, it's okay, don't worry about it. When really I'm like, no, I'm suffering inside, but for the sake to please the other person, a friend or a family member, I'll be like, no, no, no, it's okay, don't worry about it. But really I'm suffering inside. So I sacrifice my needs a lot of the time.

And so I think I, like I do things like, I'll say sorry, I'll dwell. Like if I get into a fight with someone, I will over apologize. I struggle to say no, a lot of the times. And then something else that I'm going through right now too is like validation from others. Validation like we went through this this weekend where did I say enough? Did I do enough? So I'm have as I was studying for this this week, I was thinking back on our week in Nashville and Atlanta and I was like, I am constantly being, did I do enough? Am I enough?

I used to think it's because I just struggle so much in my mind. Like, why do I feel so stupid all the time? Why am I, did I do the right thing? But it's because I'm trying to please others. So I noticed that during our week, we were so exhausted. We kept going, going, going. Like, we were so exhausted. We kept going, going, going. Like we didn't stop.

And yeah, I just realized how crucial it is to spend that time in the morning. Because when you don't, when you're not in your intimacy, when you're not reminded about what God says about you, when you're not just truly getting filled by Him, then you're opening yourself up to get the opinion of man. So good. Yeah. Thank you for saying that. Two things I want to hit from what you said. One about people being mad at you. But first, since you just brought that up, you guys,

it is so heavy on my heart. And I'm talking to me, I'm talking to Ari, I'm talking to Jesse, our producer, I'm talking to every single one of you. We have to stop justifying not spending time with Jesus. We have to stop making excuses. We have to stop thinking that like, oh it's okay I spent time last night, or I spent time yesterday. I have never felt more of an urgency for myself and for you guys that we cannot make excuses for not spending time with Jesus. If we want even a fighting chance at being healthy

and breaking codependency and breaking people pleasing and breaking all these things or even just living a normal life where we're not run by our emotions. We have to spend time with Jesus. I told John recently, I literally was like, why did I stop? I had a season where I was spending two hours a day with Jesus, sometimes less, right? And every day can be different. It's not like a religious thing where you have whatever.

Although it should be something that's like non-negotiable. There are some things like that that you can make it non-negotiable. But I stopped doing that because I literally believed a lie. I don't know. I just, I started to think like, oh please, like it's like you're fine. It's insane.

You're fine. He's with you if you spend five minutes, which yes is the truth, but if I want to be the absolute best version of myself, not just for myself but for everyone around me, two hours with Jesus is my sweet spot. It is. I leave to and we're in ministry so yes it is a little bit more intense for us, of course, there's a level of pouring out for us that we have to match in the secret place, like have to. But even for you guys, like yes, if you spend five minutes with Jesus, yes, if you spend, you know, 30 minutes in the Word, yes, that's great.

But what if you gave him more and like really sought Jesus and really said like, I'm not leaving until you give me everything that I need. I don't even know what I need, but you do. So just give it to me. What are the things I feel like we're working through right now? Lord, give me wisdom to even know what to pray for and let him come and do something in you in an extended amount of time with Him. Like Ari said, thank you so much for saying that,

guys, we have to spend more time with Jesus. It's not religious, it's not too much. We have to spend more time with Jesus. Well, everything is so spiritual. Yes. And it's, I kinda like opened my eyes this past week when we were gone. And I'm like, I'm running on fumes.

I'm going, going, going. I'm like, Jesus, I love you, I'm good. And then, and it just taught me a big lesson, like the biggest lesson ever. It taught me such a big lesson. I'm on the plane. I wasn't even gonna tell this, but I'm on the plane because I spent no time in my

secret place. I'm not in the scriptures. I'm not sitting with Him. And I'm going, going, going. I find myself on the plane and I feel so incredibly depressed. My thoughts are running rampant. I'm like, who am I? I'm just like, the obsessive compulsive thinking comes back.

And obsessive compulsive thinking and people pleasing put together is such a horrible mix. And so I find myself on the plane and I'm looking down and I call my mom and I go, mom? And she said to me, have you been in your Bible? Your mom said that. My mom says this to me, you need to go talk to Jesus right now. Just go talk to Him.

And I'm like, and so I get off the phone and I just start talking to Him and I just all of a sudden start being filled up. I love what you said of it's not religious. It's we live in a spiritual world where if we are not completely devoured in the word, if we are not in our secret place every single day, no matter what, even if you have a busy day carving out that time and really sitting in His presence, we have no fighting chance.

Everything is so spiritual, everything. That's why everybody is so depressed. That's why everybody's looking for validation. That's why everybody's thoughts are running rampant because we're not getting filled in the secret place. Thank you. Guys, you heard it here. Please, I have a burning thing in my heart right now that is saying like, you don't just

get saved one time. Yes, salvation is a one-time event, but then scripture says that we work out our salvation with fear and with trembling, with the fear of God and deep trembling within us, knowing that we have to stay close to Jesus. And you don't just stay close to Jesus, like it is a two-sided relationship where He pursues you. He does. You have to meet Him. Draw near to me and I will draw near to you. You move first. Stop. We have to stop thinking that God is so amazing and He's just a genie that He's going to give us everything we need whenever we want without actually having a relationship

with Him, without actually putting ourselves out at the expense of our day, at the expense of our sleep. Please, it is so urgent. You have to spend time with Jesus. Transformative time. And if you're in the secret place, and right, there are days where I'm like, oh man, I don't have enough time, I have to go start my day. I had a little time with him, but it didn't do something. But that's okay, I trust it did enough, right?

But most days, most days, I don't even wanna give an allowance for it. Most days, you don't leave until you know something happened in you You don't leave until you know, he came and he moved and he touched like there is just please you guys I'm speaking to myself too. There's no excuse for any of us Especially if you're in ministry, especially if you're doing things for Jesus Oh my gosh, like you can't, you can't expect to pour from an empty cup.

It's so like, guys, it's the most crucial thing in the world and I know you can do it. Yeah. Can I, can I just tell a quick story? Because you said, till you get touch. I told Angela this, but I was sitting in my secret place and I looked up, I said, I'm not leaving till I get a touch from you. And I'm just sitting there, and I don't feel, and I'm just, it's nothing, I'm actually, my thoughts were kinda going, going, going, and I'm just sitting there, sitting there, sitting there. 30 minutes goes by, and I'm like, it's okay, let me just read the Word.

I go to open the Bible, and it was like, I jilted, and I start bawling my eyes out and it was like that touch from Him and I was like I look up and I'm like oh my gosh and it's like that that moment from two weeks ago or whenever it was it was like two and a half weeks ago. One touch from Jesus is everything and it's all you need and it's life, it's living water and so and we have the capability of having that when we stay, when we don't get up too quick. Don't get up and he's faithful like he wants to touch you, he wants to love you, he wants to speak. Are you gonna slow down enough to let him move?

Get out of the way. You know what I started doing recently? This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I started going in my closet. It's like this big, it's dark, it's so tiny. I have clothes on top of me, like literally like dresses sitting on my head. And I bring in a little instrumental on my phone and I just worship my heart out in this

little closet and it's so dark and it's so snug and it's just become him and I's place. Like I know I get so I wake up in the morning and I'm so excited to go into the closet because I just know he's going to meet me there. I even dedicated this like right in my secret place can be in the car or on a plane. It's not limited to, but there is something special about like, this is our little place in the closet and we come here together every single morning. And I trust that you show up, but I show up.

I show up, you have to show up every single day. And yeah, this is, I don't think there's anything I'm more passionate about because I get it. I know what it's like to believe the lie that you don't need to spend time with Jesus. I get it. And gosh, does it bite you in the butt so quickly. Do not ever fall for the lie that you can get by

without spending time with him. You can't. It's so true. I love you. without spending time with him, you can't. It's so true, I love you. Yeah, but I think, I just think completely just betraying yourself and compromising and bending and shrinking yourself

to please others robs you with relationship with Jesus, robs you from hearing him, it just robs you. And it's so hard because we look at it as being kind, but we're actually just trying to survive because of what we went through. And it's fear and all these things. So. It's not even real love.

It's not. And so I just wanna tell you guys that if you're in a relationship right now where you feel like you're bending, you're compromising, you've completely lost yourself for somebody else, if somebody's going to leave you, let them leave because Jesus will never leave you. And that's what I've learned in my journey. As much as I still have people pleasing tendencies, I have learned that Jesus stays and that is

the most safest place to be. So take it from someone who compromised for so long and stayed and became such a small version of myself to fit the box of somebody else. Don't do it, let them go, because Jesus stays, and he will provide friendships and a partner and somebody so much better for you. Go on this journey of what am I lowering myself down to

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your first order. A couple of tips to break free from people pleasing. You guys can write these in your notes is practicing saying no with kindness. We don't always have to be yes people. You know, we're compromising our values. Pause, think about it. It's okay to say no. One of the most powerful things I've learned is to say no. I'm not going to say yes, yes I'll do that, yes I'll compromise just because I want to fit in with somebody else.

One of the most powerful things you'll do on your journey is kindly say no when you wanna do something. So patiently sit, think about it, and kindly say no if you don't wanna do something. Another thing to do is pray before responding. Pause, you don't have to say yes, okay yes, and respond just to fit somebody else. Pause, think about it, think about the answer,

and then react. You don't have to just react just because you want to people please. Yeah, and then we just talked about seeking God's voice in the morning. When you seek his voice, when you get filled up by him, you're not gonna, it will be a journey, but you're not gonna constantly look for the approval of men.

Yeah. Yeah, and surround yourself with bold, God-fearing friends. Period. That don't people please you, that don't lie to you, that aren't gonna say things to you just so you can feel good. No, make sure you surround yourself with people who will tell you the truth and give you good, Godly advice.

There has been nothing more pivotal and transformational in my life than hanging out with Christian people who don't... people please and who are healthy because you are so confronted by your own unhealthiness when you get around them and you're like, all right, why isn't everybody else as intense and annoying as I am? And like, thank you so much, I love you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you. Like, you know what I mean? It like confronts you and people are just like, oh, thank you.

And they're like so secure in themselves. And you're like, well, why aren't you trying to make sure that I'm like so okay? I'm trying to make sure that you're so okay. And they're like, because it's, you're not my problem to make sure that you're okay. You're God's problem to make sure that you're okay. You know? you're not my problem to make sure that you're okay. You're God's problem to make sure that you're okay. And I'll read a little bit for people pleasing. So Galatians 1 10 says,

and right, these are things you guys that we have to let come from here into your heart. And you know how that happens? You invite the Holy Spirit and you say, Holy Spirit, I invite you to take this head knowledge, this knowing scripture in my mind to actually receiving a heart level revelation, a spirit level revelation where this becomes truth in my life and I not only know it, I not only believe it, but I actually walk it out every day. Galatians 1.10 says, am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. And then I love this moment and it's John 19 verse 12 to 16. Pilot basically is faced with this

dilemma where he knew Jesus was innocent. He actually, we can read it, and he actually says to them, like, this man is innocent, I'm letting him go, I'm not gonna kill him because he didn't, I believe that he didn't do anything wrong. Pilate in his heart of hearts knew that Jesus should not go to the cross. And the reason why Jesus went to the cross, other than it being the Father's will,

is that Pilate gave in to the cross, other than it being the Father's will, is that Pilate gave in to peer pressure, people pleasing, and approval and validation from other people. And he was more concerned at the expense of justice, at the expense of integrity, he compromised so the crowd would approve of the decision that he made. And you see right here, it says, from then on, Pilate tried to set Jesus free, but the Jewish leaders kept shouting. And then finally, Pilate handed him over to them to... And then finally, Pilate handed him over to them to be crucified.

So he feared losing favor and political power than even doing what was right. And I feel like so often, so many of us fear something that absolutely compromises our integrity in order to people please. And I'm just so, I'm just tired of it. And I'm done with it. And it's hard. It's been one of the hardest journeys I've ever had to go on. You know how many things I've beaten and overcome and done. This is because it is so deeply rooted in the fibers of my being. I am a codependent people pleaser who wants to save other people.

And I want other people to like me. And does anybody else experience this where like you always think people are mad at you? It obviously comes from our childhood. Usually it's if you grow up in a family of a blame culture where everybody blames each other, nobody really takes accountability, but it's always your fault, your fault, your fault. Or it's like sabotaging self-blame.

You see your parents, oh, fine, I guess I'm just the worst parent in the world. Like it just, it's so unhealthy and it creates so much dysfunction in you. And so what I've had to do is really be like, okay, is everybody mad at me or am I just being paranoid? Or am I just, is this historical trauma? Is it not even this moment that is the problem, but it's something from either a couple of years ago or even my childhood.

Is it the abandonment from my dad? Is it him not being around? Is it him not wanting us that has now caused me to think that everybody will leave so easily? Is it that dynamic in my life that has made me feel like I'm so disposable? You know what I mean? And so that's what I face a lot, is like, I genuinely believe that I am disposable. And Jesus is going to heal that. I'm not going to live with that anymore.

It's done. The party's over. Satan is exposed. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm inviting Jesus in and I'm giving him access because that's what it is. You have to give full access to Jesus into your heart and then you can't go back on it. I feel like the second you begin to justify again why you are the way you are and I'm going to keep doing this and I've always been this way, you immediately close yourself off to Jesus coming and doing a work in you. It has to be a full surrender, full humility, and you have to meet Him and partner and be like, I want to be healed from this. Do what you need to do.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. I love that so much. When you were talking, I have one more thing that I want to bring up about people pleasing. Because you were talking about the validation of others. Social media, trying to get the approval and the likes, and if my shirt is a little lower, that will get me the likes. If my shirt is a little lower that will get me

the likes. If my picture is a little bit sexier people will want me more. So you bend your own values and you end up feeling so depleted and a lack of self-worth because you're constantly trying to get the likes, get the approval of others on social media. And one of my favorite scriptures that just came to my mind was, man looks at the outer appearance, God looks at your heart. And one of the most incredible things on my journey with Jesus is really understanding that, that he really doesn't care about how many likes you get,

how much approval you get on social media about how many likes you get, how much approval you get on social media, how many people praise you. All he wants is this. Jesus doesn't care about any of that, and he only looks at your heart. You start wanting to please him, and all that other stuff starts to fade.

You're like, okay, I don't really care about any of that. Because when we're constantly worried about the likes and all this stuff, we feel, I remember I felt so depleted. I'm like, I don't even know who I am. I'm like, I'm posting these photos that I don't even, it's not even me because I want it to be loved. So good, it's so good. That's another point.

Yes, social media. Hi. The number one way we try to people please and get approval. I just want to say this. When you stop making your life about likes, about being sexy, about all these outer appearance things, that's when he partners with you and he says, let's get to work. When you stop caring so much about yourself and what other people think about you, then He's like, okay, that's when He says, I'll trust you.

But when we're constantly seeking validation of others, outer appearance, all these things, people's approval, we miss God's purpose for us. So good. It's so good. You can't, you can't be double-minded. You can't want both. And that's what I've started to realize. And everything that we're saying sounds so good

until you really let it be born inside of you, and let it grow, and let it actually take over your life. Ari and I touched a little earlier on identity. Like we say every time, identity in Christ alone. Okay, so what does that mean? That I just truly believe that like the practical steps in actually letting your identity be in Jesus alone is one being in council, one in the secret place, seeking God, waiting for Him to come, worshiping your face off, letting Him be everything for you and to you. And do you know how you do that? You spend more time in the secret place. The more time

you spend with Jesus, the more time you want to spend with Jesus, period. Your appetite will grow the more you like feed on the Word and worship and God's presence. But like what I've realized how to get it out of your head and into your heart is like you have to be aware of yourself, you have to be honest of yourself with yourself, you have to have accountability, you have to have people walking with you. I have a few people walking with me through this who are my accountability people who I come to and I say, hey I think I'm slipping up in this, I'm looking for people, who I come to and I say, hey, I think I'm slipping up in this.

I'm looking for validation. I've put my identity here. I'm doing this. But you have to ask for these things. You have to pursue these things. You have to look for them. You have to look for the right people to be on your team who are not going to tell you what you want to hear and who are wise enough to push you towards Jesus.

And for me, what I've learned at the identity thing, I'm just not, it's like an everyday moment by moment awareness, like, oh, there, I did it again. I've realized, okay, if I'm feeling this like insecurity and this sadness and this heartbreak and this paranoia and this guilt, like I have what Ari has where if somebody's mad at me, it literally ruins me. Like I can't stand, I want to, I crawl out of my skin. I also can't sleep, I can't focus, I can't pray, I can't do anything when somebody's disappointed in me.

That's not normal. That's not healthy. Healthy people are okay with people being a little disappointed in them because they don't have a small version of themselves who are blamed and accused. And you know what I mean? That's what it all comes down to. So what I would encourage you guys to do is like moment by moment, every day, realize when that insecurity comes up, when that fear, that abandonment, when those things come up, you have to address it in the moment and you can't keep shoving it down and just pushing through.

That's what I did for so long and it's not working anymore. And I love the scripture so much, Romans 8, 15 to 16, the spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship and by him we cry Abba, Father. The Spirit himself testifies that we are God's children and it's every day abiding in the truth of your identity as being God's child who loves you more than anything and who literally got up on a cross 2,000 years ago gave up his life to let you have a life on earth that is worth living a life of freedom. Jesus gave himself for you so that we could be given to God so that we could be recognized before the Father.

And like what I love doing every day is I say this has changed my life. Lord I surrender the right to blank. You completely leave Satan like he cannot, he can't do it anymore. You remove the foothold that he has in your life when you cut it off and you say, I surrender the right. I surrender the right to be offended. That's one that I say every day

because little Lola has a little offense in her and she wants to get offended and she wants to get mad and she wants to get this and she wants to be validated and she wants to have her point proven. But I surrender the right to be offended. I won't even allow my I don't I'm not even going to allow myself to feel entitled to be offended. I surrender the right to be validated. I surrender the right to have approval from others. I surrender the right to be needed by this person. Whatever your weakness is, surrender it. Surrender the right. We, you know that the spiritual realm, it's a legal system. You give things rights in your life.

When you allow them to happen, they become strongholds and you give them the right. I surrender the right to be heartbroken about this anymore. Like literally, like anything, whatever you have, surrender the right. It's not mine anymore. You know? That is so good. I'm going to be surrendering the right all day today, baby. I surrender the right. That's actually really good. I love that. I love you so much. I love you too.

Do you have anything else? Yes, one more thing. Let's all accept, before we go, let's all accept that not everybody is gonna like you. That's so hard. Because honestly though, and that's so hard, but not everyone liked Jesus. And when I think about how not everyone accepted Jesus

I'm like, all right. Well, not everyone accepted Jesus. So You know, I know but it's I know it's not everybody is gonna like you And so doesn't that take the load off that you're not gonna be everyone's cup of tea. Yeah, and so Yeah, I think that has helped me too with people pleasing. Not everyone's going to like me. Yes, God's going to work on that one with me. You know? Yeah, it's so good.

Yeah. Yeah, and we just want to invite you guys right now, if you're watching this and you made it to the end of this episode, we love you so much. If you made it to the end, write GGB gang in the comments so we know who the real ones are. But yeah, if you're watching right now and you're not a Christian or you've never given your life to Jesus, this might all be so new to you and maybe you don't even know fully like what we're saying or you don't really know who Jesus is. I'll just give you the simple gospel is that at one point in history we were completely

severed in our relationship to God. Because of Adam and Eve, I'm sure you know who they are, they fell, they sinned. We were meant to live in perfect harmony. We were meant to be healthy people. We were meant to be completely whole. But because sin entered the world, we have sin reigning in our bodies. We have sin reigning in our bodies. We have sin reigning in the world. And it's that sin that causes this dysfunction,

this unhealth, this codependence, this people-pleasing. And if you're watching this right now and you know that you are bound by people-pleasing, you are bound by codependency, you are bound by sin, and you know that you're not living free. So if you're watching this and you want to give your life to the man and the God, one person, man and God in one body who gave up his life on a cross, Jesus had to pay the penalty for our sins and through his sacrifice, like we were separated

from God, he brought us back to God. We were enemies of God and now we're friends of God. And you today, you can be God's friend and you can have Jesus, the Holy Spirit who is the Spirit of God living inside of you. And when the Holy Spirit lives inside of you, He empowers you to overcome and He heals you. He heals your mind, He heals your co-dependence, He heals your issues. It heals your codependence. He heals your issues.

It is a life worth living and not even just life on earth. Then you get to live in eternity with Jesus. You get to live in heaven for the rest of your life. So you guys can pray this prayer with us and if you're ready to give your life to Jesus, this is the best time you could do it because your freedom is on the other side of this prayer. Your freedom is on the other side of a relationship with the God who formed you, who created you, who gave you life, who gave up his life for you. So pray this with us. Dear Jesus, I give you my life. I believe you died on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins. You were buried. You resurrected. And now you are seated at the right hand of the Father. And you are reigning in glory. Jesus, you are Lord. I invite you to be Lord of my life. I invite

you to be Lord of my heart. I invite you to be Lord of my heart. I invite you to be Lord of my body. And I invite you to be Lord of my relationships. I renounce sin. I renounce the devil. I renounce the world. I give up my old ways. And I give my life to you completely. Fill me with your Holy Spirit. Teach me how to love you and teach me how to know you in Jesus' name. Amen. We love you guys so much. Go be healthy. Go be healthy. Come on, let's do it together. We love you guys so much. Thank you for listening today. And yeah, let's keep going on this journey

of not being so codependent and pleasing people and learning how to say no and not compromising our values because God did not create us to do that. He did not create us to be in bondage. He created us to be set free. So go be free today in Jesus' name. Go be free in Jesus' name.

We love you guys so much. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May he make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. May he turn his face towards you and give you peace. Shalom, shalom.