Girls Gone Bible - How To Get Free From A Strong Hold | Girls Gone Bible

Episode Date: February 13, 2026

Hiiii GGB!   this week we go in depth into Angela's journey with disordered eating and hear parts of her journey we haven't heard before.   you can order our new book "Out of the Wilderness— 31 Devotions to Walk with God Through Your Hardest Seasons" at girlsgonebible.com/book   we love you so much. Jesus loves you more. -Ang & Ari   ORDER OUR NEW BOOK! You can order our new book "Out of the Wilderness— 31 Devotions to Walk with God Through Your Hardest Seasons" at girlsgonebible.com/book   JOIN US ON GGB+ 🥹❤️ https://ggb.supportingcast.fm   COME SEE US ON TOUR: Tickets for our tour are now on sale. Go to www.GirlsgoneBible.com/tour   WE LOVE YOU AND CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU!   Avocado Green Mattress Luxury, non-toxic mattresses made with organic materials for healthier sleep. Designed to support your body without harmful chemicals or synthetic foams. Get 15% off your order at AvocadoGreenMattress.com/GGB.   Dose Daily A daily wellness beverage crafted with adaptogenic mushrooms for energy and mental clarity. Save 35% on your first subscription at DoseDaily.co/GGB using code GGB   PolicyGenius Easily compare life insurance options and secure your family's future today. Get started at PolicyGenius.com/GGB.   Trust & Will Create a legally valid estate plan in minutes with Trust & Will. From wills to trusts, protect your family and your future without the stress or lawyer fees. Get 20% off your estate plan at TrustAndWill.com/GGB.   Ritual Instead of striving for perfect health, aim for supporting foundational health. Get 25% off your first month, only at ritual.com/GGB   NOCD Personalized, evidence-based therapy for OCD from licensed professionals. Schedule a free 15-minute call with their team at https://learn.nocd.com/ggb   Grand Canyon University Earn your degree online or on campus with programs designed to fit your life. Enroll today and find your purpose at GCU.edu/MyOffer.

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Why? Why are we so? Weird. Holy. Holy. No, it was your solo. Hey, guys, I'm Ann. And I'm R. And this is Girls Gone Bible. We're a faith-based podcast where we talk all things, spirituality, mental health. We talk about a lot of things. And we do everything from a biblical perspective. We love Jesus so much. He saved our lives and we would be nothing without him. Can you survive without him? I can't survive a second without him. I can't do anything.

I think my mom tells me, would you leave him alone because you're up his butt? Give him a minute. She really don't say that. Again, more Jesus time. What about mother time? Would you give him a break? It's so funny. We are we are God's most annoying kids. Sure. Yeah. How are you off? What? Can you grab my blanket? Blanky. Your what?

You brought your blankie today? Thank you. Why did you bring your blankie today? I need it. Wait, that's cute. Is that going to be your new thing? We'll show everyone the blankie. We're not, we're not going to... You've had that since you were born. Yeah.

I don't have one of clothes. You got it at the hospital? No. My great grandmother made it for me. Oh, that's my... That's cute. Yeah. Do you wash it?

Yeah, I've washed it. No, I'm just wondering. I don't know if it's like... Do you wash? Do you wash up? I'm doing so. How are you doing? I'm good.

I'm really good. So I'm really excited about today. We're really excited about today. Yes. As a lot of you guys know, Ari and I wrote a devotional. And it's right here. We have it in our hands. And we are going to spend two episodes today.

and next week, kind of talking about, we just want to take you through a devotional each and just talk about what it was like writing. And just a lot of things about it. So writing this devotional for Ari and I was just insane. It was so fun. It was so beautiful. And it was really emotional. As a lot of you guys know, we've talked about it.

But basically, it's 31 devotions, 31 days of scripture of a story. from our lives and anecdote, a moment in time where Ari and I experienced something where we were in the wilderness, where we experienced hardship. And then we kind of take you through like the mistakes that we've made, the wrong ways in which we were brought up, the bad things that happened that were out of our control, and just like where Jesus was in that. And I think that's just like such a beautiful way to heal is to like go back to different times of your life, address it, feel it, move through it, and then see where Jesus was in that, you know. Yeah, and I think it was so what's special about this book is we were in the middle of a lot of

what we were writing. I'm excited to talk to you today about this specific devotional because I know that you were in the middle of it. It's something you're still walking through. And so I'm really excited because I know so many people that are battling this. And I just know it's going to bless and free so many people today, knowing they're not alone. So I'm excited to talk to you about this today and just listen. Thanks so hard. Yeah. Yeah.

So today I want to take you guys through one of my devotions, devotinals. I just want to, and this one is called overcoming disordered eating. So I, you, a lot of you know that I have been on a really long journey with disordered And what's so interesting about writing a book is that you write a book and then a year later, you're like, hmm, I would, I'm in such a different place. I would write this differently. I'd say this. I actually don't even agree. Not that I don't agree with this anymore, but like I would, I think about things differently.

My relationship with Jesus obviously, hopefully has progressed and developed and established more that you're just different. You mature. And so I look back on even this devotional about disordered eating. and I was writing from the moment in time that I was in. And when you read this devotional, you kind of see that it's hopeful. There's a lot of hope in it because I had just received incredible, supernatural, miraculous breakthrough in my eating disorder, which I will get to. And I have some things I want to tell you guys and some things that I am ready to share,

that I wasn't ready to share before. So Ari and I also recorded the audiobook for this. And when I was doing the audio book, I got to this part. I didn't even cry in any of them, right? Like I wasn't super emotional about them. And then I got to this one, my eating disorder devotional. And I actually started to get ministered to by God. I started getting touched by the presence of God, by the spirit of God as I was reading.

not because these are my words and I'm emotional about this thing that I'm like recounting. I actually got touched by the Holy Spirit through my own words as if I wasn't the one who wrote them. I needed hope the day I went in. I wrote from a place of hope because that's where I was at. I had hope. And since then, sometimes after like big breakthroughs, you're on like a high almost and it's amazing. and then you then find yourself in a different difficult place and you forget. You forget what God brought you out of.

You forget the beautiful things that have happened. And so I'm reading this and like the hope of Jesus actually like fills my heart. And so I say that to say like, I'm not saying that this is the best book you'll ever read. I'm not saying that we're the most incredible writers. All I'm saying is that the Holy Spirit wrote these words. and like we're not the most gifted people, but like the Holy Spirit spoke. And like these are real life stories. And I just, I can't believe like the power of God.

He ministered to me through my own words as if I didn't write them. You know, like I had no connection to the person. Like it was just Jesus speaking. So anyway, so I just, we want to take you through it a little bit, right? This is day 25. It's called overcoming disordered eating. And it gives a script, I gave a scripture. It's 1 Samuel 16.7.

The Lord said to Samuel, do not consider his appearance or his height, for I've rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. And then Psalm 139.14 says, I praise you because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. And then I go on to give an explanation in context about, the scriptures that I wrote, talking about David, and I go on to write, it says from Angela,

because Ari will have a day, then I'll have a day. And it says, I often think of the younger version of myself, the one who began to be aware of her body way earlier than she should have. A child looking in the mirror, picking herself apart, and pointing out everything she hated about herself. I have sat and had so many conversations with God, asking him why and when this started. Who made a comment they shouldn't have? Who judged my appearance? Who made me feel like I wasn't good enough? And how God has it stuck with me all these years later? My complicated relationship with food began as early as I can remember. I started going on crash diets when I was in middle school, and in high school I would take medications that would ruin my appetite so I wouldn't eat.

This was my normal and continued until my mid-20s. I've battled. I've battled. I've battled a decade-long silent war in my relationship to my body and to food. And so, and then it goes on, and then we have a part where then we lead you in prayer, and then there's like space for you to write your own prayer and your own thoughts. And yeah, a lot of you know that I've had a really, really crazy battle just with food and body image and just like my relationship to my body and my relationship to food and it's been really hard. And like when there is, I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm ashamed of. And shame is so funny because you can be ashamed of things that other people are like, why are you so ashamed of that? There's so much shame attached. Like I could talk about

my past all day long now. Something happened in that like shame and past episode where just my heart was open to the fact that like I have to I have to like talk about things. I have to talk about things that are like so shameful. Like if there's something that you are in a conversation and it's the one thing that you don't share. Like it's the it's the one thing you need to share, you know. And so I battled a almost 10 year long battle and it is so just insane to think about. all that I went through in almost 10 years and how along the way a couple people would know a couple people would be told or even like find out and um but for the most part like it was silent it was completely I was alone in it I didn't tell anybody mostly because I didn't want anybody to try to get me

to stop like you know what I mean I didn't want anybody and I was just so deeply ashamed you know went through just a really insane battle for 10 years that I can't even believe I'm talking about. I thought it was the one thing that I would never talk about. I'm so proud of you. I love you. It's just so, it was so shameful for me, and it still is. It feels so embarrassing. And I was just, I hated it. And it was an addiction. It was an addiction. And it was like the control that I struggle with. I got to a point, like, our bodies are so meant to have, like, a mind-body connection. Like your mind, your brain knows when you're full. Your brain knows when you're hungry and when you suffer with eating disorders like you you cut off that connection so my and

still to the state i don't have full mind-body connection where my body gets like food sick like cues like you're hungry or you're full um wow i can eat a banana i can eat anything i can eat a protein bar and like feel like i've just had a three-course meal i don't have that connection that other people do Why is that? Because you're just, you like abuse your body, when you abuse your body, you just, you sever it because you're not letting your body, allowing your body to do the normal thing that it does. Were you in so much shame that you didn't even talk to God about it? It wasn't until I, my first few years of my relationship with Jesus, it was, it was like the one thing. It was almost like I had bigger fish to fry.

Right, right. So I was like, I was like, I was. so anxious. I had so much anxiety. I was so like mentally unwell that that was just like, it wasn't until probably I was like 25, 26 where I, he started to speak and be like this, we have to address this. We have to write like he gave me patience and grace, but I, it was just so, it was just so crazy. So I want to take you guys through. I got my journal yesterday and I've only journaled for this one period of time for like seven months and I need to start journaling again because I discovered so much about myself. So I write this devotional right after, maybe like

three months after I didn't throw up for the last time or I threw up for the last time. I had fasted and prayed for probably a year about this. So just like with alcohol, I prayed for six months before I was delivered from it and it never, I never, I never, drank again. When was that was the alcohol? This would have been, I don't have the exact date, but I was trying for a long time. I was trying for a year. I would go a couple, I would go weeks without doing it.

I would go a month without doing it. And then I'd fall back into it and I write about it in my journal. It was just like this, it was this cycle. And I was trying not to, I was trying to break free. And I was praying and I was fasting for a long time because it was so deeply ingrained in who I was, that it wasn't just an option of just like stop. This is who I was. It was a part of my every day. My mind became, and I don't know all the psychology behind eating disorders. But I just want to read a couple of these. This is February 2nd, 2024. So this was a year and like three months ago now. So last night was my birthday dinner. And dot, dot, dot, I didn't throw up exclamation points. We're in Nashville here. Wow. And I had no idea any of this.

Yeah. So Ari didn't know this yet. I actually told her... Recently. I told her after, I couldn't tell anybody until I knew I beat it because I was so... I didn't know if it would come back. I didn't know if, you know, I would ever do it again. And so I waited until I knew for sure that like, yeah, so I told Ari recently I was so deep in shame that I couldn't even tell my best friend. That's how much... I was just so embarrassed. was in Nashville, my heart. So I said, I was trying so hard to get free.

Like, you know, I didn't want to do it. I was like. We were in Nashville together. Yeah. On my birthday, remember we went to the send and we went to that restaurant with Ali and Ashley. I was so proud of myself. I was working through like eating a meal and then not throw, like, it's crazy. So last night was my birthday dinner and it was really cool.

I felt the Holy Spirit's empowerment, and it felt really good. I just felt a calmness about it. Like, every time a thought came, the Holy Spirit tore it down immediately. If you could just help me in this area, though, Jesus. So I don't focus too much on the negative, because I see so much how you have moved so much, and I'm so grateful. Like, I know it's my birthday, but my stomach hurt after. I don't want to feel like that. Can you help me on that, Jesus?

like a surgeon, go into my brain. Can you train my brain not to stress so much when I'm bloated? Like, it's really not that big of a deal. And then I go forward. And then this was a moment where, so I was in Nashville and I had like gone through, I think, a couple of months. I love you. It's crazy. I had gone through a couple of months of I think I was free.

And then this is a moment where I fell into it again. This is February 6th, 2024. Hi, Jesus. I almost feel like I'm coming to you with my tail between my legs. So I had my birthday in Nashville, and I did not throw up the whole week. It was absolutely incredible. I felt such an empowerment from the Holy Spirit. I just felt like I had overcome it.

The thought would come into my mind, and then it would just pass by. I didn't feel out of control. But then, I can't say exactly what it was, but I was listening to a phone call about a family member that was really hard from me and so I got really triggered my anxiety got triggered and it's I wanted right to go somewhere that would help me cope yeah and then um there was such a wrestle within my heart I got in the car and I was still wrestling I was contemplating and debating in my head it's honestly really sad to think about I didn't want to do it I was trying not to but then someone called me it was the

perfect storm something happened with this person and it just sent it. me over the edge. I'm not using it as an excuse, but it was miserable. I'm paying for it today. So much shame and guilt. Jesus, I have a question. I didn't ruin all the progress, right? I can still have that empowerment from the Holy Spirit. I repent from the sin. I turn from it. I ask for your forgiveness, Lord Jesus. Please forgive me, Father. And now send me your Holy Spirit to help me. I can't do this on my own. I need you, Jesus. I need your help. I decree and declare right now that I am free, from the all-or-nothing mentality in Jesus' name. And then...

Okay. Jesse, do you have issues? That's so sad. I know. Right. I didn't know. You were going to read that. I'm sorry.

I documented my whole wrestle and my whole struggle. Wow. It was such a fight. I was fighting. It felt like I was fighting for my life. I can't believe I didn't know it. I know. It's okay.

Are you okay with this? Yeah. It's crazy when you read that how much, just how the enemy works with the shame being like, it's okay, right? Like I made progress. Am I going to be punished? I repent. Yeah. Yeah.

It's so, the shame cycle is shame is a killer. A killer. And I, like, every time I looked in the mirror, I was reminded of what I was doing and what I didn't have control over and I hated how I looked for vanity purposes. Like, I was miserable. Remember, I would tell you, I'd be like, I feel so ugly and I wouldn't tell you why. And you'd be like, what are you talking about? And I'd be like, I hate my face. Like, I hate how I look. And like, that's why this was happening. And February 18th, I said, Jesus, I was doing so good with the eating. I was having meals, trying a bite of everything, and then leaving it at that. And then all of a

sudden, I let it happen at once. And then it's like, I fully lose control. I'm starting to, like, study and watch what happens. It really is the scripture where when the seven come back stronger, but it is getting better. That I can say, but also the shame and guilt are getting stronger as well. And as awful as it is, I'm thinking it's a good thing. I'm glad that I see myself differently afterwards. It's becoming less and less. We're beating it. And hell is so mad about it. Thank you for all you do for me, Jesus. Seriously, I love being teammates. I love being team Jesus. I love our relationship.

I love you. And then the next day I said, Father, I had two rough days of eating. I'm feeling super insecure and self-conscious about my face, the puffiness. What do you think? Can we take away the shame and guilt and have me start over fresh and have me a hundred, and have me, I wanted Jesus to miraculous me make me not puffy.

I wanted him to like, and he said, and I said, or is it a good reminder to not do it again? I was in this like, I wasn't accepting his love. I wasn't accepting grace. I thought that he, I thought that he was punishing me. And I was like inflicting his punishment on myself. Like I didn't understand yet that he's like, I love you so much.

Just come. Let me take care of it. I was like, I deserve punishment. I'm here. Like I didn't even have a right understanding of who he was. Wow. Isn't it so crazy? So this is February 22nd. God, without you, I truly live in hell on earth, like it's actually insane. Being here in New York is when we're in New York. Being here in New York should have felt fun, but I truly feel miserable, bound. God, I've been so bound by binging and I'm wearing it

on my face, and it's absolutely killing me. I see the sin when I look at myself. I feel hideous, but I feel like I deserve to feel this way. Jesus, I'm so ashamed, so much shame for all the binging, absolutely out of control. I know I can't be possessed because of the Holy Spirit, but it literally feels like possession. Please, Jesus, I want to obey your command. I hate the sin. I don't want it. I'm begging you, Father.

You know what I love? I've never had a right relationship with the Father, but I always talk to the Father when I needed him in this area. Like I knew I knew he'd come and I knew he'd do it. bring it to a close, put an end to this toxic cycle of binging. I need help. I surrender this to you and I tell you that I can't overcome it without you. I don't have the strength of the tools. Father, I'm asking you to provide the way for escape from me.

Bring me the tools and resources. Bring me the help I need. Help me. I've come to the end of myself. I was so out of control. I never want to deal with this again. I said, don't remove your hand. Cover me in Ari, Jesus, protect me.

as covers in your blood. He was always you. Don't remove your hand from my life, father. I need you. He thought, I thought that he was going to remove his hand from my life. I thought he was so mad at you. I thought he hated me for this. I need you, Jesus. Bring me close. I'm staying pure. I'm staying obedient. I'm staying pure Jesus. Please don't take your end from me. Dear Jesus, God, I need you so badly. How do I get this stronghold off of me? Please, Jesus, help me get help. Who do I tell?

Please, Jesus, you've helped me with everything up until now. I just called a Christian counselor with tears in my eyes. I actually feel a little bit of hope. I feel a glimmer of hope. Do people actually ever recover from this? I am battling a violent eating disorder alone. Not a single person knows it. It's time to end.

I am so tired of feeling shame. I am done with living in secrecy. The enemies hold on me is coming to an end. I rebuke Satan in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I am overcoming this. Kill the sin, Jesus. Kill the addiction. I love you so much, Lord.

March 7th, I love you so much, God. Thank you for who you are. Wow, I almost binged after dinner last night, and I received empowerment from you not to. I literally overcame the temptation through power from your spirit. It was such a good feeling. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. No temptation has overtaken you that is uncommon to man.

Sin is crouching out the door. You're eager to control you, but you must subdue it and become its master. I'm just repeating scripture. When was this? That was March 7th. So this is about a month before I stop. I don't know when this is this a little while later. Hi, God.

Today is the definition of coming boldly to the throne of grace. I need mercy. I need help. Jesus, I've really failed the past few days. My face is practically disfigured. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin with shame. I'm so disappointed and I feel so out of control. I need you.

I need the Holy Spirit. I need help. I'm coming to you on my hands and knees, nose to the floor, broken and ashamed. But I'm not running from you. I'm coming to you. I need you, Father. Please wrap your arms around me. Release me from the shame, Father.

Kill the sin. Give me self-control. I receive your help today, God. I repent from the sin. I hate it. It is my enemy. I hate it. And I turn from it, never to return again.

By April 2nd, God, together, we'll overcome every sin and temptation. Thank you for healing my eating disorder. This area stays under the blood of Jesus. By his stripes, I am healed. Miracle working Jesus. And I never wrote about it again. And so that is how you beat something. That's how you fight through something.

Like I was reading this yesterday and dealing like I was going through hell. And I kept trying and I kept going and I kept saying, I know I know I'm going to beat this. I know Jesus is going to free me. And it didn't happen overnight. I fought so hard for what felt like a really long time. And through fasting and prayer and falling. down and getting back up and it's just so insane. First of all, I just want to thank you because you don't understand like her even telling me was one of the hardest things she had to do.

So for you to sit up here today and like read a journal and be so vulnerable and so brave to speak on one of the most embarrassing things that you've ever had to go through in shameful things. to help these people. Yeah. It's just, I'm just so, so, so proud of you. And I know Jesus is looking down at you being like, that's my girl. I love you so much. And you've been that seed from me of, no matter what comes your way, like, you fight, you fight and you don't run from him.

And you never have through every single hard battle. life and that's why I have been able to fight so hard in my own life. I love you so much. And I know that's why so many other people are able to fight so hard because you're strength. You're the definition of strength. Strength. And so, thank you. I love you so much. Amazing. I just know how hard this is for you. So, I don't know. It's amazing. Boy, have you beat it? And I know you're still walking through some stuff, but...

But I never did it again. I stopped that one last time, and I remember being like, I don't remember, I don't remember what time it was. I don't remember the moment it was. I don't remember, but I remember having a couple weeks of being like, am I free? But like, not fully knowing if I was, but being like, there was a moment where I really knew, like I'm never doing this again. And it's like the alcohol.

I will never do it again. I've never had. Not that I haven't had the temptation. Like there have been moments where I felt really full, but my mind has never gone there even one time and over a year. Can you take us through the process? Because I know you wrote through, you wrote through like what was happening and like how you felt shame.

You kept going back. But can you take us through the process of like the end of it? Like the day you were like, it is finished. You just take us through that process because so many girls are just probably watching being like, how do I beat this? I keep saying I'm going to stop and then I don't. Take us through the process.

Well, and I don't remember the last time. I don't remember the last day. I remember the time. I remember it was before John came into my life. I remember it was like, I remember it was during that time. But this is how I fought. I fought through prayer. I fought through scripture.

I fought through fasting and praying. And I just knew that I had a stronghold. And I knew that I had done this for like six, seven years before Jesus came into my life and started being like, what is going on? And so when you do something for such a long time, you have to fight to the end to get free from it. And like Jesus fights, right? But like you partner with him in fighting. I had to fight. I fought on my knees.

I fought in prayer. And for every person that's listening, my whole point in doing this today is because, first of all, I needed to release this. I needed to get, because, like, I was still bound with shame. I was so embarrassed, John, a little early on in our relationship. This was so, I don't know why this is the most embarrassing thing in the world for me, more than anything. I'm so, it's just like, there's gluttony involved, there's, it's, it's bad, like, it's not good. It's, it's horrible. And it's just like devastating what it does to your body.

There are people who die from this type of stuff. And so, first of all, I needed to be released from the shame that like my whole testimony, my whole testimony is worth sharing because, because look what Jesus did. Look what he did. I literally have proof of what he did in my life. And it's so insane. And like I just think about the way that I talked to him, they weren't these incredible prayers. His desire is that we'd talk to him, that we'd write and be like, God, why is this happening? Do you think this is okay? What do you think about this? Like it was just so innocent and so what was the shift for you? there's something so sweet that I wrote about you.

Read it. Oh, what was the shift for you about how God viewed, viewed you with this whole thing? I think I'm still working through that where, and I've had so much break. It's, I'm telling you, the shame and past episode, all of that opened me up to my whole life changed. It changed my entire life. We had an episode on perfectionism. my perfectionism and thinking that I needed to be perfect and that I like had to like it's not like I ever really upheld an image because I was honest but like the really really

bad struggles were such a weakness for me like it felt like I had such an idol of being strong and like it was so much pride that like I could never admit to anybody that I was going through this because Jesus saved my life how can you go through this if I'm preaching about a Jesus who saved my life. But this is the reality. We're two girls who sit on a podcast who do walk the talk and live the life that God has called us to live. And we struggle every single day of our lives.

And we fall every day. And we go through things. And Jesus did save our lives. And it's a lifelong process, especially if you're in our position where we didn't have this our whole life. You know what I mean? We just came into this. We just realized who he is and what he does.

does. And so it was through that. I always knew Jesus loved me, but you read my journal. And every time I sin, every time I do something, I ask him, please don't take your hand from me. It's not who he is. It's not who he is. He's literally being like, oh, it's my desire to love you in this moment. It's my, it's my desire to comfort you in your sin. It's my desire to literally wrap my arms around you when you've made the biggest mistake of your life. Yeah. You know? And like, It didn't make me less of a Christian. It didn't make me like, I just struggled. Like, you know, I was just struggling.

I just, I say this to say like, you guys, you fight on your knees. You fight your heart out. Journal to him, talk to him. And do you want to know why I got emotional in my own devotional? Ari asked me a couple months ago, maybe two months ago, she said, I think you should share it. And I was like, I can't do that. Like, I can't do that. And she's like, I think.

you should share it. I'm encouraging you. Like, there are a lot of people who need to hear what you have to say about this. And I was like, yeah, maybe. In my head, I was like, I will never do that. And it literally wasn't until last week. I got down in my quiet time and the devotional came into my mind and I felt God be like, it's time. You know, this is like another area of shame that I, like, I can't live with shame anymore about anything. I don't want to. want to. Like, this is who I am. It's who I've been. It's what I've struggled with. And I'm running towards Jesus. And there's a lot has happened along the way, you know? And it's like, so, yeah. We're so proud of you. I see it. Can you, um, will you walk me through?

You just your journey now with it all, with eating disorder with it all, the struggles. Yeah. It feels like supernatural deliverance because my mind never went there again, ever, ever. It's like crossed my mind, like, just as a thought, but never a temptation. I talked to Stephanie at one point. She, because she's open, she's dealt with stuff like that. And so I talked to her about it. I did talk to a couple of people who I...

Stop tiding. And I, but it needed to be someone who understood. And so probably right with, I, maybe in my mind, I felt like you would have, even though I know you would have understood. and I should have told you and I would have been freer a lot sooner. Please tell somebody. Tell somebody the biggest mistake I made was trying to do it alone. And right, we did it.

Jesus did it. It would have happened a lot sooner had I let someone in. Had I let my best friend in the world, who's the closest person to me, had I let her in, I wouldn't have been able to get away with it. You know, you have eyes on you. That's like half the battle. When you have people aware of what's going on, my mind-body connection has gone a lot better. Now it's just like, now it's just control.

So I am going to see like a eating disorder specialist because now I've just realized there's a lot of shame attached to food. Now I stay away from it completely because of what I've been through. As you stay away from food. Like I stay away from, you know, my control. I stay away from bad food. I stay away from, I have safe foods. Like I have all those things that I've talked about in the past. Now it's time for, like, Jesus is healing me.

Yeah. And he's going to heal me through deep inner work through counseling. I talked to a specialist and she was like, I explained to her everything and she believes that there are like key moments in childhood where that like everything is wrapped up in. That like if we could pinpoint those moments, talk through them, invite Jesus in, that they would like unravel like a not being untied. Wow. Because that's where everything begins. So I say all this to say, I let you into my journaling of the way I fought with Jesus, begged him,

and I encourage you guys to fight with Jesus. Whatever you're battling, I'm not saying I did it perfectly by any means, but just like the real raw desperation of begging Jesus to help you, coming out of agreement, saying, I've fallen once again, but I'm coming directly to you. And understanding that just because you don't get free right away does not mean you will never be free. I literally wrote, Jesus, could it be that somebody actually does recover from this? I never saw a world. And even right now, I say to him, Jesus, is there a world in which I

don't have control over food? I don't see that yet, but I'm believing for it because I have history with him, you know? And not sit in and the shame. That's, that's, that's, that's the worst. Can you just talk about that for a minute? How, how shame, how, how, how being open about shame is freed your heart. Yeah, yeah. What happened with that past in shame episode, like all of that stuff that happened, the darkest, probably worst time of my entire life, I can't even begin to explain what that was like was the best thing that's ever happened to me. How? How?

How can it be that Genesis 50-20 really is as true as it is that whatever the enemy meant for evil, God will use for good? it opened me up to a world that he i went so long saying i don't have shame i've shame about everything i have a shame i have shame in every area that's the root of all of my issues everything is is everything literally comes down to shame and this was something that it was finally like it was just time it was just time to be like i'm first of all everybody goes through things everybody's dealing with something that's as embarrassing for me and And yeah, it was just, so sitting in the shame, coming to Jesus every single time and saying, I'm not going to resort to hiding and shame, I'm coming directly to you. And just fighting and praying and begging him and, and,

but believing in faith. Like, you're already doing it. Pray like this. You're already doing it. I'm already free. And it's not a bad thing if you go back. It doesn't mean that all the progress is gone. It doesn't mean that you weren't healed to begin with. It just is the natural flow of the Christian walk, is that we all fall short of the glory of God. But he is good and he's faithful. And yeah. And I'll just say it one more time, one of the most courageous things you did in this walk was say, you know what, I'm not keeping this in the dark anymore. And you started to tell people you could trust. And then through that, you know what happened? The person that she opened up to said, you know what's crazy, I dealt with that too. And how less alone did you feel? You felt like you could probably

breathe. Like, wow, this person that I look up to actually battles with this too. It's so crazy. You had no idea of this, right? Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Thanks for listening. I, this was so beautiful. I was, I've been patiently waiting for you to be like, I'm ready. She's been really patient. Ari's been a rider in being like, Angie, it's okay, whenever the time is ripe, but I think you should do it. You've been such a good encourager of just, but you, right, you do this so well. You're just like, here I am. Here I am.

Like, it's, I've learned so much from you in this area, so much. You've taught me so much about being open and about being honest and about being like, it doesn't make you less of a person that you struggle. Yeah. It doesn't make you less of a woman of God that you struggle. You don't have to be perfect. Like you don't have to, you've taught me so much. Thank you.

You taught me so much for this episode. You know, you taught me so much reading your journal. It sounded a lot like me. Because I oftentimes feel like I'm just like, like, I feel like I was reading my own words. I'm sure so many of you guys do too, but just having you be like, are you mad at me? Are you going to take your hand off me? Like, how many times do we do that?

Yeah. When we're just like not, I don't know. When you're just struggling. When you're struggling, you just feel like, God, I'm going to be condemned for this one. Yeah. And I just read in that the whole time, I was just like, he loves you so much. So it just kind of like helped me in that moment be like, he loves me so much. Like, we do think, you know?

Yeah. Well, because he's like, he hates sin and he doesn't tolerate. sin, but he has more compassion than anything. Like, he has more compassion in his heart for us than he has hatred for sin. Like, he understands why we go through the things we go through. That's not an allowance to keep doing it. But he wasn't ever allowing me to keep doing what I was doing, but he was in it. He was right there.

He knows, even if I don't know where it came from, even if I don't know who said something to me when I was younger, who shamed me about food, who even comforted me with food. That's another thing about like binge eating eating disorders is that like even comforting children with food. It's just like food is like a beautiful necessity, basic need of life. And there actually shouldn't be like negative emotion ever attached to it. You know what I mean? To comfort a child. I just feel like probably someone said something about my body about how much I was eating. Yeah, there's just so many things. And it's, it's a sick. It is a sickness and an addiction.

It's a sickness. It's like you weren't doing anything bad. You were literally, it was a sickness. I wanted to say one more thing. Can I ask you one more thing? I don't know if this is too personal, but I'm interested in this. Yeah. What do you think about struggling with food addiction and fasting?

Yeah. Really good question. I've had, I've thought about this a lot. I think you have to be really mature in your faith and mature emotionally and very aware because I would be lying if I said there weren't, haven't been times in my life that I spent the weekend eating a good amount and then saying, I'm going to go on a fast for Jesus. Or getting on a scale after a two-day fast. That was meant to be just spiritual.

I'm very aware of, and that's like, that's like spiritual manipulation. And it's like almost spiritual abuse in a sense because I take that really seriously. And I'm not saying that I haven't gotten it wrong. Of course I have. And God convicts my heart very, very, very heavily because it's just like, I have. I have like fear of God in me where I'm just like, that scares me to say I'm doing something for God. but I'm actually doing it because I want to get thin. So just like being aware and like having so much reverence and so much fear and like being

really honest with yourself. So Lisa Bevere and she has a quote where she's like, God told me the difference between dieting and fasting. Dieting changes the way you look. Fasting changes the way you see. I needed to be full of Jesus. I needed to be fed by Jesus so that the gluttony would go. So that I wouldn't, because there was so much like noise around food in my head that I needed to starve.

I needed it to starve so my flesh would starve. So Jesus would have priority in my mind. Do you know what I mean? After that day you fasted, was that done? So I fasted a lot over a year. Like I fasted once a week, actually, with the intention of not overeating, not binging and not purging. Okay. So that's why. But yeah, you need wisdom.

You need to be careful. I even, yeah, it's, I want everybody to use wisdom and I want you to be plugged into a local church where you have a pastor and somebody to talk to who knows you, who knows how you work, who knows you are. Because I've made a lot of mistakes in my journey. I've done things that I look back and I'm like, that wasn't the wisest thing to do. So, and we're all different. And what works for me might not work for you. This is just my journey. This is what happened for me is that I needed something, it needed to start.

out of me, the fleshy obsession around food. Yeah, and I would just say just to anybody, what was your other question? I was just going to ask you what tools you use. Can you give us some tools on, I don't know, for instance, if you go to dinner and like you're the obsessive compulsive starts and you're beating yourself up because the shame hits because that's what the, you know, it's just this journey. Can you give us some tools on? what how you overcome that yeah how you deal with that yeah what can somebody do when they's

i know yeah it's such a it's such an emotional and spiritual thing i think the best thing to do what i do and there's no right answer that like miraculously takes away these i mean yes jesus miraculously can matter anyways it's not like like a perfect remedy that causes you to not go through that like i still go through that. Sometimes I'm really fine. I'm actually surprised at my own breakthrough. Like this weekend, I good. And I really, I had moments, but I was like not, it's like, it's intimacy with Jesus.

Like it's literally like you find it in the secret place before you ever go out to dinner. You get fed. You get filled. Jesus renews your mind. There are thought patterns that need to break and change. You read the word. All the things that we already tell you guys to do, you start with that first. You spend time with Jesus.

And like every time I eat for the most part, like saying grace for me isn't just like praying a prayer. It's like an conscious thing of like, hey, you and I are about to have a meal together. And I need you to bless this food in my body. And I need to have like a right perspective on this meal. I always pray before meals. I always pray before eating something. And then if I either ate too much or my mind is tricking me thinking I ate too much when really I just had a little piece of chicken, And I just pray.

I invite Jesus in. And sometimes I forget to pray. And sometimes I don't want to bother him with that prayer. And it makes me so mad. Over the week, and I had a moment that was hard. I went into the bathroom. And I had a moment where I was like, hey, I'm just, I'm overthinking. I'm not feeling that good about it.

I'm not feeling that good in my body right now. We just speak any truth. Speak truth. And that's what I consistently ask Jesus to do, specifically to speak truth because the enemy is lying. He's lying. Your body's lying. Your eyes are lying and you need the truth of God. And so, and he speaks, he does. He'll change your thoughts. And it is a journey that you go on and you just keep inviting him. Like we read in this journal, you continue to invite him. And the temptation is not to include him. For some reason, you do something wrong. You're not feeling good. Why is it that we don't include the one person who can fix the problem? I don't know. And I also talk to people now. You do. I was going to say that.

I think that's what's so great. And that's why you're healing as fast as you are. There's been many times where you've been like, are, can you talk to me for a second? It's always like it's literally she sounds like looking at myself sometimes. But, you know, and you just find people that you trust that love you, that's not going to judge you. That can be like, let's talk this through. Yeah. Okay.

So listen to what we ate. Like, let's go through this. She does it so well for me. Let's talk about the facts. I always talk about the facts. Then she pulls down her pants. I'm going to take that out. And then I go, so you do think I look good?

She falls down and pulls down her pants. It's so crazy. I put you through so much in this area. I put you through so much. No, but you've been so open. We just talk things through and it's... Hey, can you talk to me really quick? You talk to me for a second?

So I ate this and this is what I'm thinking. What do you think about that? Well, it has 310 calories, but if you break down the shit, but then Ari doesn't know if I'm being serious or not? I don't. So she'll like look at me a couple times. You're like, oh, okay, we're being serious. Okay, I'll help you. Well, I have to be honest with you. This is something I have to be so honest about.

There's sometimes where I am like... like, I don't want to say I wish I had eating disorder. I don't. But when I tell you that going through such turmoil and like things like eating disorder or anxiety or obsessive-compulsive thing or heartbreak or grief is so good because you can relate to others. There's two things I can't relate to that it's like, it's foreign to me. It's this and it's kids with people with like, people that talk to me about problems with their children. Like, I, because I don't have children yet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But why would you? I don't know. Like, being a mother. But, um, I know there's a major disconnect. So at first when we were going through this, like, she thought I was kidding. I used to laugh. I used to be like, Angela, you're fine. It's because I didn't know how, I didn't know how serious it was.

I really have struggled with understanding. eating disorder, you know, but it's been beautiful to walk through this with you. It really has. I'm so, yeah, I just think it's been so hard for you this journey of 10 years, but the way you can look at people and say, me too, you're not alone. I already know is this whole episode how many people you're freeing because people have lost their lives to this and they've, they've battled this. They don't even come out of their rooms. I have a family. member who she's 80 and she's still battling so wow wow thank you for this because man have you freed so many people today you're amazing you really are no seriously yeah thank you Jesus well

yeah this is this is life this is life yeah it is we all go through a lot and everybody's battling something and you probably don't even know what they're battling. Even the closest people to you could be battling something that they're too scared to tell you. So I would even encourage people to start going around and telling even more of your deepest, darkest things that you struggle with because somebody will be like, oh my gosh, now I can finally tell the one thing that I'm struggling with, you know? I think that's been one of the most beautiful things about Tor. Yeah. is we're looking at these, there's people that come up to us and the stories they tell us and we're just like, you've just really understood the silent battles people are going through.

We're all battling with someone. That's why it's so important to be kind. Did they say someone? Yeah. That too. But you're always battling something. So you just really, it really just knock something in you to be like, every time I want to have an attitude or flip something. one off on the road. Maybe I should look at them and be like, maybe they're going through something

really having. Yeah. So what are you going through? I'm just kidding. Thank you for that. I love you. Guys, we love you. My nail. I ran my nail off in the middle of her telling the story. Is that? Your real nail? Yeah. You're so lucky. Will you give them the blessing? Sure. It's your thing. No. We love you guys so much. We love you guys so much. We love you so much. We hope that today with Anne being as open and vulnerable as she was today, that it would give you the courage to be open and vulnerable and open up and share your story because you will be a seat of faith like Angela today to someone to make them feel less alone, to help them be like, you know what, I'm going to beat this too. You went through this and now I'm going to go through

this, but I'm going to beat it too. So I just hope that you guys will go out there. I just So many girls that, not even girls, just people at our tour, we just look out and we just see equipped. Like, you guys are so equipped for this. Like, you might not be on a podcast, but you are equipped. You're equipped to tell your pain, your story, and to help others because that's what Jesus called you to do. We tell us, we tell our testimonies to help the lives of other, and that's what life is all

about. It starts there to help his people. So thank you, Angela. We love you so much. Thank you, Angie. I don't call it. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you. And may he give you peace, a peace that surpasses all understanding to know that whatever you're going through,

he is going to heal you and redeem you. And it will be your greatest testimony and the thing you will have victory over. Thank you, Jesus. I receive that. Do you want to pray for people with eating disorders real quick? Yeah. Should we? I don't know why.

I feel like you should. Actually, you know what? I'll even read this prayer that I wrote in the devotional and we can all read it together. Just read this with us. Dear Jesus, I come before you with a mind clouded by the battle I face with my relationship with food and my body. Lord, I acknowledge my weakness and my need for your strength and here. healing. I ask for your divine intervention and the power of your love to set me free from this eating disorder and the unhealthy thoughts that plague me. Jesus, you are the healer of all wounds,

seen and unseen. I ask you to heal the deep-rooted pain and insecurities that fuel this disorder. Replace my distorted perceptions with your truth and help me to see myself as you see me, fearfully and wonderfully made. Give me the grace to treat my body with respect and care, to nourish it in a way that honors you. Grant me the wisdom to seek and accept the help I need, whether through counseling, support groups, or the loving encouragement of friends and family.

Surround me with people who will uplift me and remind me of your love and promises. In your holy and precious name, I pray. Amen. I love you guys. guys, thank you for just letting me have this really beautiful safe space to do this. Thank you for being the greatest family. I can't even imagine a world that I would come on here and do this. And it's literally because of you guys, it's literally because you guys give us this space and you allow us to come and have these conversations. And I just love you so much. And I want to see you free. And I want you to know that there is actually hope if you're someone thinking, does anyone ever actually get free from this?

You have somebody sitting right in front of you who never could have imagined. being free from the claws of hell. Like literally, I'm not even over spiritualizing it. It is the most demonic thing. And I was set free. And I want you to get a journal. And I want you to write your thoughts out. Sometimes when you speak out loud, I'm realizing it doesn't, journaling is really, really important. Journal your heart out, speak to God directly. It doesn't need to be beautiful. It doesn't need to sound like anything special. You say, why God, how God? What's going on God? Like that's what he desires from you. So we love you.

Thank you guys.