Girls Gotta Eat - A Candid Conversation About STIs and Sexual Assault with Hanna Dickinson

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

*Trigger warning for sexual assault* We are joined by comedian Hanna Dickinson for an open, honest conversation about STIs, sexual assault, addiction to prescription drugs, and more. She shares her story of contracting herpes, how she discloses it when dating, and why it's actually a positive when it comes to finding a partner. Hanna also shares her story of being sexually assaulted by a rideshare driver and how she has been coping with the trauma. We also discuss body positivity and the pressure/desire to lose weight, Adderall addiction, and (on a lighter note) Hanna's exclusive interview with Ariana Madix. Before Hanna joins us, we're chatting about being a great host vs. a person who doesn't like to host, Ashley's journey getting off the pill, and Rayna's high-pressure driving test. Follow Hanna on Instagram at @hansdickie and visit her website for show dates and more. Follow us @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Shop Vibes Only. Thank you to our partners this week: Pretty Litter: Get 20% off your first order at prettylitter.com/gge with code GGE. AG1: Get a free 1-year supply of Vitamin D + 5 free travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/gge. Zocdoc: Go to zocdoc.com/gge and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for free and book a top-rated doctor. Earth Breeze: Go to earthbreeze.com/gge and subscribe to save 40%. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I was like, what do you think of this? And they were like, I think it's a good test. They're like, you date the worst fucking guys. So honestly, this is a good gauge of how men are going to treat you after sex. Oh, girls got to eat. Welcome back from the studio. How many more weeks without the sign? This might be the last week.

So the girl who made our last sign is just making us a bigger sign. We love it so much. And we'll tag her on Instagram so that you guys can shop it if you want to shop, not our sign, but a sign. If you're listening and not watching, you're like, shut up. We get it. Well, you should watch the YouTube. We share all kinds of fun little snippets and photos and stuff. Oh, yeah.

Assets. Assets, if you will. Azol would you like to join us and stop licking your dick? He never does that. I don't like it. When dogs start, like, licking their crotch. And now we're just watching. We're just staring at him.

He's like, leave me alone. He's like, stop watching. Ew, I don't, stop. I know. He doesn't usually do. I can't make eye contact by that. You want to come. Come on.

Come join us. Asul. He's embarrassed now. Cudy, I'm sorry. I shamed you. You know, I love you. I carry your bed and out of my house as much as possible. Wasn't that so nice you guys walked in the house? The bed was already set up for him. I know. You really have been accommodating to him. You mean, such a good aunt. Well, you know, I recently learned that I'm uptight. Were we going to talk about this? He's recently come to my attention. I'm a little anal retentive about my home. And I need to stop. And everybody knew.

Everyone knew. I literally everyone was aware. I mean, we haven't all been talking about it. that much. That much. But you were so funny because you were like, Melanie knew, Emily knew. I was like, I didn't know I was this uptight.

And Emily was like, I know. Everyone knows how uptight you are. I mean, I buy a lot of white furniture. It's just like, I'm not equipped for pets and babies, but I do love hosting. It makes me so happy. Which you said that makes you uptight. So I realize I don't like hosting.

And it's not about my home or anything. It's just I feel too on edge or something when it's like on me to like I'm not the best at like putting out a spread, charcutory, all the stuff. Like, I'll have food and drinks, but then I'm like, I had you guys over and we had to order the food and I was in charge of it. And then it was like, it was going to take forever to arrive and I didn't have enough chairs for everybody. And I just, I'd rather just be on someone else's turf.

Like, I think I've always been like that. I will host, but I can relax way more at someone else's house. And I had a little housewarming party. And again, like, I feel like I wasn't fully settled in my home. We'd to wake up next morning and fly out. But I just could never really totally relax. Like I was able to really cut loose at your housewarming. And your little housewarming thing with nine of our friends was like the best night of my life.

And I was like, I'd be up. I'd be trying to cater to people. And you're able to do both. And I feel like Kate is able to do both. And people are able to relax and also host. And I just don't think I'm cut out for it. So I've learned it about myself. It's funny because I don't think that about you.

Like you said that and you were like, I couldn't get comfortable. I think that people showed up at your house. There was chilled wine out. There was a charcutory board out. And then you bought sushi. Like, I don't think that about you. Maybe you know internally that you're not as comfortable. but there wasn't charcutory.

Remember, I did a little charcutor for Jackie's birthday. That was really nice of you. And Jackie's was easy because it was just like, we were doing it before dinner, one hour. I bought a charcutory board. I put out some vove. I did some balloons. I made it look nice.

But when you guys came over for my little housewarming, I had no apps and I was like, oh my God, I'm mortified. If you walk into like a housewarming situation and there's no bored, what? I was like, I'm that bitch. What are we doing? It's embarrassing. You weren't ready for a housewarming, though.

I wasn't ready. She wasn't ready. You were ready. She was not ready. Right. But I still, at the end of the day, looking back, it's just not for me, and I just want to go to someone else's. And I'm happy to help and pitch in, but I just think I'm not that bitch just trying to host.

It's just funny because I am good at hosting. I love that, like, the bar is set out and people walk in the door. I have all kinds of, like, food that doesn't be temperature controlled. I love Mediterranean food, barbecue. You can just sit out. I love a charcutory board. I'm so happy. But once, like, I do such a good job, but I don't want anybody there.

Well, it's funny because I watch you in action, and I feel like the same. with Kate and you guys can be cooking, chopping, plating, arranging, and still carrying on a conversation. I think we were on a work Zoom when you were getting into your house. You can really multitask in that way and I am not that great at it. And it's fine. You just got to realize these things about yourself. Yeah. Well, thank you for saying that. I'm flattered. I don't think of you like that, but I'm flattered. Yeah. Okay. So it is May 22nd episode. We're recording this kind of far in advance because we had some. travel. I went to Delaware, yada, yada, but just to get it out of the way, like, thank you

if you came out to Boston, thank you to the Boston Celtics dancers for opening. I'm sure they were epic and anything crazy. We'll recap it next week and I'll talk about my trip to Delaware, but we just want to acknowledge that. And now this big run of tour dates is over and we are looking toward Ohio. And there may be a few tickets left for every city, but definitely some should be left for Cleveland at this point. Maybe not. We're doing this a little bit in advance. But Cleveland, Cincinnati Columbus. We will see you guys on June 9th, 10th, and 11th. Probably not in that order.

It's Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati. And then we're done for the summer. And then we'll see you in London in the fall. And then our whole ass tour, October is going to be a doozy. But I fucking love Ohio shows. They're so fun. And wait, I don't know if you remember this.

So during COVID, pre-vaccine, the world opened up a little bit. We did a couple shows. People were doing shows again. It was a lot of like social distancing. and screens and everything. And I remember saying to you, like I never thought the first time

after the world shut down that I got on a plane would be Cincinnati. Yeah. And that's where we're ending this tour. I know. And you know what happened in Cincinnati. What?

Is this true? And pretty litter. Okay, this is a GGE inside joke running since 2020. Ray and I still say this most days to each other. So we got some DM right before we're about to go on stage in Cincinnati. and it said like the pretty litter code isn't working or something about pretty litter.

I couldn't do this yada yada of the code, whatever, which we get a lot of times. And usually it's a user error. I'm just going to tell you that right now. So double check and a lot of it is for first time purchases. Right. There's that too. So I sent a text to you and Beth, who is our sales manager, who we love. I sent the screenshot of the thing and I said, is this true?

And it's just become this thing that I say to her all the time. We say it to each other all the time. I meant it's like, my tone was, is this true? Is this a thing? Is this happening or is this a user error? But Raina read this is, is this true? Like accusatory. And it was like, did you just say bet to beth?

Is this true? Like that's like our mom. We love her so much. She's so sweet. And it's like, is this true? Is this true? And ever since we have been saying, is this true all the fucking time? It's like one of our dumb inside jokes.

One of our other, our other backup joke is our agent. We're asking about something. and he said no one is good there. And so we do like hotels, restaurants, how's this place? No one is good there. You know we haven't said in a while, which was one of my favorite deep cuts was,

I'm not going to argue with you about something you know nothing about. Okay. That was the best. You guys are like, we don't care about it. I don't care about it. But it was one of the hottest mic drops I've ever heard in my life. It was the Eurostar Hotel in Chicago.

Yeah. And we were just watching this customer or just like yell at the front desk guy. And he just let that guy really peter out. And he was like, not going to argue with you about stuff you know nothing about. You have to let it settle in. It's so mean. It's so mean.

And it's so like a conversation shut down. I'm not going to argue with something. You know nothing about. What? Iconic. So that's for you guys. That's hilarious. You'll shut down any conversation with it.

Okay. So we do want to say. say up top of this episode, we have a fantastic episode with Hannah Dickinson, and we've covered a lot of topics that she was so gracious enough to talk about. But do you want to just give a trigger warning for this episode. We do talk about disordered eating, sexual assault, and adder all abuse. So if you feel sensitive about those topics, please listen with caution or take that into account. We do encourage you to do whatever you're comfortable with, and she was really open and honest, and we just really thank her for sharing her story because these are hard things to

talk about. And while we're here, I also want to remind people this is a comedy podcast, and we definitely talk about heavier topics without making jokes. We've done it a million times. We don't have to make jokes all the time, but Hannah's a comedian too. And so there are definitely there's some moments that are about a heavier topic and there's jokes made and we laugh. And that's just at the end of the day, I personally and Raina too and Hannah being a comedian herself, laughter is how we deal with a lot. I can assure you there's no laughing when we talk about her sexual assault. But we are talking about STIs and some things like that. And so I always just want to make that clear the way we roll through the world, darker sense of humor, laughing all the time,

dealing with stuff in that way is not for everybody. And so, you know, I would just want to say that up top too. Yeah. The guest leads also. So she makes jokes, we lead to it. A hundred percent. No. So if she was like, this is very serious, no jokes. Yeah. Most people are going to be fine with I just, you know, as always, I like to remind people. This is a comedy show. Yes. So that's it. We hope you enjoy the episode and the information and the takeaways. And, Yeah. Okay. What's first? I hope you guys really lean into the Pina Colada blow gel that we released last week. You wanted blowjad tips? Here's the tip. Make it taste better. Yes. Have a tropical vacation in your mouth. Suck a dick. Less calories than a Pina colada if you're into that. And less money than going to the Bahamas. Yeah. I like both. I like that you would be drinking a Pina Cilada at the bar with somebody and be like, you know what would make this even better? You're dead. Free 60 experience. So you can get that at Vivesonly.com.

We have tons of incredible Bluetooth-connected toys. We have a butt plug. We have a clit-sucker. We have a wand. All kinds of fun stuff. So check that out at Vivesonly.com. Okay. I want to give a body update.

Body yada, yon, y, y, honey, honey, honey, yada. Little, what is it? Big titty. Little wigs. Big, big, big, big, big, big, body crazy, low waist. In shape, probably. Body crazy, curvy, big titty, little waist.

Boom. Is there in shape in there? Megan the stallion, her body. Do you follow her? I mean, I know what she looks like. Do I follow her? She's, maybe not. Damn.

Sexy? Yeah, I mean, she's been sexy at every size, I think, but she's just, she's really popping off. Damn, all right, I got to go there. Okay. Body update. So I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I was debating going off of birth control. And at that time, I was still like I had,

kind of one more day to decide, quite honestly, without getting in the weeds of like my cycle and stuff. So I kind of had made the decision in that moment, but I was still like, I could still turn back. And I have decided to go off of it. And so many of you guys messaged after that episode, or when I did this question box on my Instagram story, just thousands of thousands of responses, I made mention that a couple weeks ago. So I'm at this point, just because we're recording a little far out, I'm like two weeks off of birth control. Listen, I don't know if this is when I would feel the effects, but my body has always been really susceptible to change and I adapt pretty quickly.

So I feel like I'm off of it. I feel like a different person. I feel amazing. And I have hooked up with somebody. I have noticed I was hornyer. No one's horny on this bitch. You were like, you're so horny. You're acting crazy.

You're definitely me. And then I did hook up with this guy and my vagina was wetter, which is something that, again, these are all the things that people said and that people do say, we know people have negative experiences as well. But some of the positive things

people say about getting out of birth control is higher sex drive, more lubricated, and just feeling mentally better. And I don't want to speak too soon. I could have a gnarly period coming soon. You know, I could have really bad PMS. I'm just not sure. And we will do an episode about this down the road. We absolutely promise. And I will continue to keep you guys updated on my journey. But I just, I feel like, I know this is like the corneous fucking shit, but I feel like I'm seeing the world in color a little bit more. I feel happier. Oh, you seem happy. fear. I mean, I feel better. I feel thinner. I just, everything feels better. And I know it's too soon to speak on this and we'll see how this happens. And everyone's like, you have to wait three months

around. I don't know. Everybody's body is different too. This is like the number one thing I've been learning after hearing everybody's stories. But I feel great. I know people want to know what I'm doing to prevent pregnancy, you know. Of course, we know we're doing abstinence. What you can do. Yeah, clearly not. Someone messaged me and said, would you consider getting a and your tubes tied. And, you know, it's interesting because when I thought about that before, I thought of like you could get your tubes tied, you still get a period, right? So this isn't like a hysterectomy.

But then I'm like, maybe I should. And this girl, she said it not an accusatory way, is this true? She wasn't like, why wouldn't she do this? She was just like, I'm curious why you wouldn't. I was like, I actually hadn't thought about it. This is very new to me. I'm only in the first couple weeks. And then this other woman message me.

And she said she wanted to do that because she's the same boat as me. She went up birth control. she knows she doesn't want kids. And it's not something that insurance covers or her insurance covers. They treat it like an elective cosmetic procedure, which is just kind of maddening. You know, like, I don't know. Again, I'm just getting into this and researching. But I don't know.

I might do that. I mean, and, you know, potentially pay out of pocket. I'm assuming insurance just doesn't cover it, but maybe some do. I could be wrong. But that seems like that would be a viable option for me. And at least then I have the pregnancy thing not to worry about. Absolutely. So anyway, I'll continue to update you guys.

Initial feelings are great, but obviously I have a period without my birth control looming and getting pregnant is the concern. But I've always been regular and I'm assuming I will continue to be regular. Could be wrong. And then, you know, tracking your period is a great way to know what's going on with your body and when you're ovulating as well. So anyway, that's my update. What are pussy? More horny. sex drives up, feel great.

I can tell my body's changing a little bit for the better. I just feel good. I mean, not that you're like, you walk around the world being so miserable, but you feel a little lighter. Just like marginally, like, I feel like you and I have had a couple weeks where stuff could like really take us down.

And I feel like it's not as bad. You know, you guys know I'm on a non-hormonal. I have an IUD that's a copper IUD. Yeah, so you're like hormone-free. And I want to talk about this deeper on an episode, but I always thought you were like crazy for doing that. Because I was just like, you bled so much. But like, now I understand it.

You were like, I want to still be me. Yeah, I had bad experiences, changing birth control and going back on different pills. And Dr. Mirashaw, who did an incredible episode with us about abortion and abortion safety, she did it for me. And she just said, like, if you've been off birth control for so many years, which I had been, and you don't want to elect to put more hormones in your body to do the copper. So I do get my period. And it was extremely heavy for a few months, but it's super, super normalized.

I mean, it's no different than it ever was before. I mean, it's really light. I barely notice it. So that's what I do. It's just so fascinating how we're all so different, not a hot take, but like polar extreme opposites. Like Amanda was saying on Summerhouse last night that the birth control going off of it made her depressed.

The estrogen waves in her body made her feel depressed. And I really resonated with the episode because she said like, you know, I've avoided going to the doctor to address this because it's so scary. And then this is weeks ago at this point. But she said that it feels good to have a reason and to know that I'm not crazy and I didn't imagine all this. and it's God, it's so hard to be a woman. I know.

And then I was talking to Hannah, burner, and she recently went off of birth control. Not for any, don't put words in my mouth. I don't know if they're trying to get pregnant or whatever. I didn't get into her about the reason, but she went off the one she was on for some reason,

and she was like, I feel better to, like, were we being drugged all these years? And I say that with the joke, like a lot of people need to be on birth control and I'm a supporter of birth control. But it was crazy reading thousands of responses of women being like,

the dark cloud has been lifted and oh shit, I'm not a depressed, anxious person and oh my God, I have hobbies and oh my God, I want to fuck my husband and oh my God, I divorced my husband because I'm not attracted to him anymore. And oh my God, I'm a lesbian now. And I'm just like, this is some crazy shit. So we'll get a professional. Every time I hear this, the fact that anybody besides women vote on women's rights, the fact that anybody says anything to you about your body at all, what you can put in it is so crazy to me. I know. I know. Well, we have to go through. It's in sight.

I know. So we know this is a hot topic and we will continue to discuss it. But wish me well on my journey. I'm loving your journey. You are so horny, bitch. I just, I feel sexier. I'm into it.

Okay, three quick DMs about birth control just came in. I just want to read them. Okay. Okay, currently listening to your newest episode, I just got off the pill and I've never felt better. That being said, I'm now an acutane because my skin freaked out after 12 years in birth control.

I've been seeing a lot of that. Like you can get acne, backney, adult acne, even if you're redhead acne. I have not gotten any and plenty of people haven't, but that's the thing. Just pointed out there because I wish someone gave me the heads up. I started with the least spicy one. Next one.

Ashley, all caps. I realized I was bisexual about a year after going on birth control. Next one, I became interested in women after going on birth control. Dead ass. I mean, I have jokingly been like maybe this is my time to like women, but I feel stupidly attracted. to more men. You're hornier than ever

for dick. Just troll in the streets. I, you are, I love it. I feel so horny. And I feel like I'm going to keep it rolling. Like, I'm keeping the momentum. All right. Men and from your vagina. Okay. I have like an update on my LA life, but I'm going to start with a DM. So I got this. It really like, it made my heart so happy. This girl messaged me. She said long-time listener and new resident of your old place. Oh my gosh. had to send you a message.

I felt it was serendipitous. I moved to New York from L.A. in Venice. So we flip-flopped, and she said, I hope you're enjoying your place. We'll buy any tips, tricks, or tea about the building. And it just makes me so happy to know that, like, there's a listener in my home. It's so sweet.

And she recreated the photo I took in New York and the apartment my last day there. Oh, my gosh. Which just, like, mourned my heart. And then I emailed the owners, and I was like, your place isn't such good hands, and I'm so happy. And so I said that makes me so happy. I said the people in the building are awesome.

I love the people on the floor. And she said, I'll be guessing who the hot guy you hooked up with is for the remainder of the time here. And I'm like, do I get ahead of this? Do I just tell her? And like, I didn't want her to be guessing. So I told her. And I wrote, his name is, I tell her his name, he lives on this floor.

He's always on the roof with no shoes on playing guitar. He kind of sucks. Don't judge me. But he's hot. He's hot. And he's not really that nice. And he does kind of suck. Yeah.

And she said, didn't even make me play detective. I'm just full deets, huh? No judgment. Just hope he washed his feet before getting into bed with you. He did not. Are you DMing on your laptop again? I was like, is this an email?

No, Rana's got her Instagram DMs pulled up. I think it's so funny that you do that. I get it. It is. It is easier. I start to feel like my eyes are going to bleed when I stare at my phone too long, but I could do my computer.

I feel better. I love that. It made me really happy. That makes me happy. Should I say where I used to live? It's still vacant. Okay. Okay.

So I lived in the Eve in the East Village. It's 433 East 13th Street. It is the best dormant ever. Ever. I loved it. I made lifelong friends in that building. The neighborhood changed a little bit post-COVID. Just in general quality of that part of the neighborhood.

But I still will love the East Village forever. And that was the building and I loved it so much. The rooftop is great. They have a Peloton. And fuck it. I lived in 2DN. So there's a north tower and a south tower, beautiful courtyard. And if you want to live in my apartment, they told me last time I was there, it was still available.

You can live in the apartment that I lived in. Dewey lived in. Azul lived in. Raina was all up in. Tessa was interviewed there. So we met you in that building for the first time. In that building, yes. So if you live in the eve, that was my home and I loved it so much.

And when I moved in that building was one of the happiest days ever. And 2DN, what's up? Let us know if you live there. Seriously, that would make me so happy. I'm not trying to like one-up you, but I want to have the same experience. That girl tell her friend. Well, I texted my neighbors, so I was like, you got to go say hi to her. She's so cool.

Oh, my God, your neighbors. Your COVID family. Shout out to that building. So I am really committed to California. I went to the DMV yesterday to get my California driver's license and had no idea that you have to do this in New York. I'm positive. I did not.

So I had a Pennsylvania driver's license and when I moved to New York City I did not have to take a driver's test. A written test, I did not have to. So they just, I mean, they're horrible, they abuse you horribly and they're terrible to you. Just like everywhere. You get the same experience everywhere.

Not Delaware. Not, are they nice to you? Oh, love. Delaware is every, you know, it's a different world. It is. I renewed my license during COVID in New York and it was extremely pleasant. Yesterday I felt like they were like borderline abusive

to people and it was, it was hard to watch. Like, this one woman needed help at the computer and like she clearly just like, couldn't read one of the screens. She's having a hard time, and so I, like, stopped and helped her. Like, the staff was really, really unkind.

But I did not know that I had to take a drivering test, and it is a lot of fucking questions. It never ends, and it never tells you when it's going to end. What? You don't know how many you're going to do? No. And you don't know where you're at. I mean, unless you just sit there on an iPad or a computer?

It's on a big-ass old computer screen, and it is so many obscure questions. You, like, realize you don't want to the answer to it. So, like, it was like, when you're approaching an intersection, when do you signal at like 300, 200, or 100 feet? I don't know how many, I don't know what a feat is. Who the fuck knows? And then one of the questions was like, on a hot day, how long does it take a road to become slippery?

Who on earth? How is that a question? And it was like, how long? How long? That seems like a fake question. It was like, how long does it take this road to get slick? And it said like four minutes after it starts raining or two. two hours after it stops raining.

And I was like, this is too much science for me. Would you know those, Tessa? You studied. You studied. Right. Because I'm like, when did I do this? I'm like, oh, when I was 16. Like, I think we had to go to the DMV.

I never had to drive with like a guy at the DMV like in Clueless. But I do think I had to take a test in there. You definitely did. You had to take it. And it's funny because like, that's so funny you said that because I told our video guys, like, I failed this test. And he was like 15 year olds past that test every day. study. It's the same as SATs. Like, it's just like, you're prepared. And to my defense,

all the questions about smoking with kids and cars and babies and hot cars I got right. Okay, good. You know, all the, like, stuff that makes you a good person. I saw it. There's a couple signs. I was, like, not clear what they mean. I failed twice. My blood pressure is, like, boiling. If you get eight questions wrong, you fail. And then I think it's like 40 questions. And they don't tell you which ones you got wrong. No, they do. They tell you as you're going. So you know when you failed. Oh, so, okay, so you know which ones will go back and correct. Yeah. You took it three times.

But it's different questions every time. What? It's completely different questions in a completely different order. I mean, none of them were the same. Thank God I took my blood pressure meds that day. Ashley, I was sweating. My blood pressure was through the roof. I was like, I cannot walk out of this DMV without passing.

I cannot tell anybody I failed three times. You have to come home and tell Josh and Ty. Yeah. And then Ty's going to tell you she has a crush on Josh and you're going to be so upset. And then you're going to have to go shopping. And then you're going to be like, I love Josh. If I failed my driver's test here in L.A., I would absolutely go shopping in Beverly Hills and, like, live my most clueless life. I'm going to fail the first time.

Does anyone tutor for this? If you're listening and you have the test. Well, so I took it two times and I was like, I refused to fail this because I have done a full face of makeup for this. I contoured to go to the DMV. I had every track of fake hair extensions I have in my bar home. In my hair for the picture. And the picture I took was so good. Where is this?

I looked so hot. Did you wear your Fred Siegel? collarless shirt? You're more capable-looking outfit? I wore a cuts-ribbed tank top because it's a blue background so I had a pale pink tank top. I had the perfect outfit. My hair looked wonderful and I was

just like, I refused to contour again to go back to the DMV. The photo was so good. So I took the pamphlet and I like read it in the waiting room. It's a hundred pages. I was hours. So I mean, I read the pamphlet and I'm like not retaining any this information. There's so much information.

A lot of it is like 200 feet, 300 feet, if you're making a right on a left, I'm not, it's so confused. I did pass the third time. Thank God. I couldn't come home and tie it. Thank God. Well, I'm going to have to do this. My license expires in July. Did I ever tell you how when I went to get a license, this is not the one I have now. I've had to have a few. Don't worry about it. When I had to go get a license in Georgia once, someone had told me that you weren't allowed to smile in your driver's license picture. You don't have to, but you are allowed to. In some state, I got my wires crossed and I, I, thought it was no longer legal to smile in license pictures. And I took this picture that looked like I was about to fight a bitch. And I was wearing like big hoop earrings. And I just looked pissed off. And my friends made fun of me forever. And then Corey, like shorter Corey, she did the same thing. I told her. And so she went and we have these photos of us looking so mean and so mad. One of mine ended up. Yeah. It's on the internet. One time it was sending like a BuzzFeed article. Let's put it in my YouTube. Oh my God. Literally it was like worst license pictures. So I think I did a blog on it and some of

my guy friends used to fuck around and like wear costumes and do crazy stuff like a long, long time ago. I think they've cut back on like what you can do. Like they were like a toupee. They would look crazy. They like would do a crazy mustache. Like some of the crazy party people I used to roll with in Atlanta were so funny like that. My mascot friends. And so I compiled this blog so many years ago of like craziest license pictures and like put mine in there. And then it got regurgitated. So mine's out there somewhere. That is so funny. Really look at like I'm about to like take my earrings out and fight somebody.

It was so fucking funny. Well, when I went to take the picture, the first thing they said to me was, you don't have to smile or you can. Like you don't have to. Maybe they said that and I heard you can't smile. And then I started telling people. I can't remember how it all went down, but it was like this hilarious thing with me and my friends and how bad mine was.

And I could not wait to get a new one. I want to end this right now so I'll go see it. I'll find it for you. Yeah, we'll put it on YouTube. I take incredible license photos. I'm not photogenic except for the DMB. Well, I can't wait to see it. And this is going to be in my first one with my new face.

Oh, I'm so excited. Okay, so you did pass. You're of California resident, California driver. Yes, it is. You know how long a road takes to get slippery on a hot day? I actually did not get served that question the second or third time. So I don't know. I don't remember.

Are you dying to know? Well, they do tell you what you got wrong, what the right answer is. But I was like, hyperventilating. I was like talking to myself. I was reading questions out loud. were like, she's not okay. I was really freaking out about this. Yeah.

But it is the ugliest license I have ever seen. There is just a dusty old man that looks like he is taking a shit. I think he's mining for gold. I think he's a gold miner, like the gold rush in California. That's my guess. The photo of the license. That's on the license? I sent it to you.

I told he's a dusty old man. Oh, that's on it? Yeah. Why is he on it? That's the background of the license. Why is it need a background of that? I don't fucking know. It's not that bear?

It's the bear. also and this dusty man. Raina, what if this is some American hero? He just looks like a gold miner. That's definitely someone like famous in history. He looks like he's mining for gold. I had no idea why you sent me this. It's some

other random girls license. I didn't know why you were sending me that. I said, this is the ugly. Oh, the bear is on. I love that bear. Yeah, I love the bear. I want a hat that has the bear on. George is so good. I had the peach. New York's was good too. Yeah. Not this one. I live here now. So I, another license story, I went, I don't know if my license was expiring. I can't remember, but I basically went to get a new license like a couple months or weeks before I turned 21.

I'm pretty sure back in those days, Delaware, if you were under 21, it was vertical. Once you turn 21, it was horizontal. That's me. That's true. Oh, my God, yeah. So I still the dumb vertical one, but I was like, I had to get a fresh license. I was like, this is so lame, but my license was expiring. Whatever.

I can't remember all the details. The night of my 21st went out at midnight. Lost my license that night. Lost it that night on the street. I was in the street digging around in my purse, probably throwing up in my purse, lost my license. The next morning we were supposed to go to secrets during the day. Corey had to drive me to one of the trailer DMVs in like Seaford fucking Delaware somewhere. The morning of my actual 21st, I was in this trailer getting a new license so I go to secrets.

Ashley, I forgot to tell you this. I forgot this even happened. What? I lost my driver's license yesterday. When we travel for the next. The new one? What are you talking about? It was a very high-stress situation.

What are you talking about? You would go to a bunch of different counters. You always paper, and then they paperclip your license with all this paper. Your old one, you lost? The only one that I have. So you can't get your new one yet? They mail it to you?

They mail it to you two weeks. I have a temporary piece of paper. This is my new one and I have a passport, which I will have to take to the airport. So you logged your license yesterday. Right now. I think it's in the parking lot. Some kid is impersonating you right now, using it as a fake.

No, I'm so sad. I'm so, I love that license so much. It means so much to me. I just, I had this big sack of paper and they paper. And I got into the car and I just kind of tossed everything in the car. And it must have just fallen out of the paper clip. And then I tossed all the papers in the car and I must have driven away. It's in the parking lot at the Santa Monica Dam Bay.

Oh, my God. Okay. Well, we are going to. to get into it with Hannah. So without further ado, we are so excited to welcome our very first guest into our brand new, beautifully wallpapered studio. She is so great. So funny, we just had lunch with her in my kitchen.

It was really fun. Sort of. She watched us eat. She watched us have lunch. She is a comedian and a writer. She's a hilarious person. She is here to talk about all the things today. Please welcome to the show, Hannah Dickinson.

Wow, I didn't know it was the first one for this. It's special. The first one in the space, but since we wallpapered it last night, the first one. And first woman guest, right? Yeah. Yeah. We just had for me. Yeah.

Yeah. So you're the first person in front of this wallpaper. Oh, shit. I shouldn't know on pink. No, it actually looks so good. I was thinking it looks so good. It's so funny. It's a good green screen.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Just blend right in. Hannah, you're like one of the only people that got an Ariana Maddox interview. That was the craziest thing. So I am like the biggest Vanderpump stand,

the biggest Ariana stand. And Ashley sent me. your clip and you did basically like a mock style interview, but an interview with her, it was unbelievable. Oh, thanks. How did that come about? Yeah. One of my former bosses, she was just a big fan of the show

and she reached out to get it and Ariana said yes. She did a sketch with you and how was it? It was cool. I mean, she is so cool. And I felt so bad for her. So I was like, I didn't want to be like, how are you doing? You know?

Because it was pretty clear. So I was like, oh, you look great at, the reunion, she was like, yeah, well, shit went down at the reunion. I was like, okay. But she's super nice. She's just like going through it, you know? Yeah. Of course. And you got an exclusive, I feel like. Yeah, she was great. She asked not to use names, which I respect because I had written with names in it. And that was the only request. Okay. Great. I mean, I just, I mean, I can't get enough of it. It's insane. It's like still unfolding. I just bought a send it to Darrell sweatshirt to wear for the finale. Lala selling merch is the whole thing. Are you into this?

It's so funny. I wasn't. And then this new season, my roommates really into it. So we started watching it. And then the scandal happened. And then my boss was like, does anyone like Vanderpump rules? I was like, me. That's amazing.

I feel like I'm probably not like force Ashley to be part of the culture. I'm just like, she doesn't like reality TV that much. It's not for her. I am forcing her to be a part of the culture. Last night I was like, I need you to watch the last episode. I just need you to watch it to see what happens. I mean, I've never seen something go on this long. Like a scandal or like any sort of pop culture, reality, anything.

It's crazy to me. It's like still happening. It's been months. So, I mean, never in history has a scandal broken and every person everywhere near it has a podcast, millions of Instagram followers and opinion. They are all just like breaking news live all the time. They've all fucked each other. They've all broken up each other and cheated on.

Like you've never seen such a thing before in history. And the show is still unfolding. Like camera This is my super Feels Yeah I agree And then my former roommate in New York She's an intellectual

And she was like You know in like You know The 1800s or whatever People would pay to watch the king And like His wife and like Rich people

Just gossip So reality television Has been forever a thing Oh this is just The world's legacy Like we've always done this Because everyone loves gossip Wait where would they go

I think like they would go to the, you know, their castle or whatever, their main, I didn't look into this and I clearly don't know a lot about history, but the main salon and the castle. And it's also like fascinating because the scandal has broken and you are watching this happen. Like you read, you watch this show through the lens of knowing what's already going to happen. And it's like truly watching like the face of evil. Like watching people just lie to each other. And you're like, I know what's happening. I know. Ariana Maddox is nothing but a victim. I mean, this is her very close friend and her boy. boyfriend of a decade that just lied to her face every single day in her home for half a year. Yeah. And that was one thing she said to me was that like in the interview with Tom and on Howie Mandel, he was like saying all this shit. And she was like, I have texts. I have videos. Like he was not like not my boyfriend. We weren't. It's just crazy that. Oh, he was saying like it was over. Yeah. It's been over. I've tried to break up with her so many times. And like, I also don't believe that.

on the last episode of the show, he's like, this isn't true, getting so defensive. So it's really fascinating to me. I love this excuse that you only hear from men. I've never heard a woman in history say this, men say, I tried to break up with her and she couldn't accept it. She acted so crazy. I mean, you hear the like, I broke up with her, she couldn't

accept a thing for men, and it's just like, no, you didn't. You break up with a person and you leave them or you didn't break up with them. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I'm trying to think if women ever say that. I don't know. I've never broke. I broke up with one person. But I feel like I get broken up with a lot and I'm not in relationships.

So I'm like, what, like a situation ship? Yeah, they'll just be like, this isn't happening. And I'm like, damn it. Like, I want to be like, I know, but I'm like, oh, every time a guy gets comfortable, it's like, this is not going to happen. Oh, my gosh. What can you do? Okay, so you are single, like everybody in the room.

We're all on the same page. How do you feel right now? Do you want anybody you just like living your life? Like, you're going to go on this big trip. you're just kind of enjoying yourself. Yeah, I was like, I wanted a boyfriend for so long, which sounds so sad, but you got to put it out there in the universe. You want companionship?

Yeah, that sounds sad at all. Every girl listening is like, wait, what? That's not sad. But then, like last year into New Year's, I was gaslit by this guy, and it ended up getting so bad because he would tell me to, like, meet up with him, and then he, you know, would cancel the last minute. And I literally, like, did it five times. like, I was losing my mind.

Like, had me come down to Miami early, he lives across the street for me, had me come down to Miami early to go to brunch with him and he canceled the day out. Yeah. And I was like, I am never doing this again. I've done it so many times. Famous last words. I get it. The amount of miles I've lost chasing men, it's ridiculous.

But it just felt so bad and I felt so duped. I'm like, I can't do this anymore. Like, I can't keep trying. So I'm just kind of out of the game. It's also fine to just take a break when you're like, this is exhausting and I have better things to do with my life. I mean, you're like young, like whatever. Like, that's crazy, though, also. Like, what's the end game for that guy?

Like, what are we doing here? Five times? Like, is it a game for him? Like, what, I just don't understand it. Yeah, I think it became a game for him. And I wouldn't sleep with him. Oh. Okay.

And my friend, I met him at a wedding and a friend of a friend was like, when I was going down there, she was like, she didn't tell me the full story, like, that he's been a douchebag. and cheated on all his girlfriends before, which I was like, are you fucking getting me? But afterwards, it was like, oh, he probably wanted you to think that he wanted to see you

and then when he booty called you that night, you would fuck him. And I was like, that's so crazy that that would happen and that you know that. You know what I mean? Right. That's such an insane thought,

but she was like, probably right. Yeah, I don't know. Who knows? We talked about us on last week's episode people just want attention. They just want like the hit and that's enough, you know? And he's like, she won't sleep with me,

is someone to make all these plans. I'm just going to see if I can get her time. She says, yes, that's good enough. Like, you don't have to be embarrassed. There's nothing wrong with you for assuming people that make plans with you are going to show up for the plan. You didn't, like, show up at his door being like, please that brunch with me.

Yeah. And then, like, I think that, of course, we all feel embarrassed because we're like, I knew better. This is a pattern. I should do better. But, like, I don't know. You're not crazy to think that somebody who, like, sought you out might show up. Yeah, but then I'm, like, so jaded by it.

Totally. So I'm like, I can't go out with a guy because I'm like, what's your move? You know, like, I'm just so defensive up top. And that's a worst way to go into anything. I know. We've all, like, become so jaded and cynical. And it's kind of funny that you would be, like, the bar is so low. A guy just needs to show up for, like, he just needs to show up to the plans he made.

Like, they lower the bar. So, like, any halfway decent guy, you're like, what a king. Could you believe he came to the plans he set up? Like, we're fucked. No, I've literally been on one date since. and the guy opened the door for me, and I was like, oh, I'm wet. That is so funny. I also think that, like, when you start to get into the mindset of, like, they're all fucking

terrible. I hate all of them. Like, it's really good to hit the pause button and be like, I'm feeling kind of bitter. Like, because of what's happened to me. And, like, I feel like there's nothing for me to work on here than just taking a break. That's what my therapist said. Yeah. She was like, the more you say, all men are bad, every guy's going to ditch you or every guy's an

asshole. You're just going to make that true. Yeah, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was watching this thing that, I don't know how credible the resource was, but of the things you say your brain will try to prove them right, isn't that lucky girl syndrome? Tessa, this seems like your generation. Like if you just say you're the luckiest person,

like good things will happen to you. But if you say, I'm fat and ugly and everybody hates me, your brain will, like, try to prove that true. Well, because you're validing what you already think about yourself. And so we all have those friends that like aren't even that cute, but they're like, I'm the baddest bitch. I'm the hottest bitch. And you're like, you are the hottest bitch, you know?

And it's just like, people think of you, how you speak about yourself. This is the second week in a row. I've said this. But like, I think that like, huh? Second. 17th. I mean, I'm guilty of it.

264. I'm guilty of like always saying a lot of attractive. And then I look in the mirror and like, if I removed some of the negative self-talk I said about myself, I wouldn't feel it all the time, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I also, in the past year, I wasn't drinking and I went through this like horrible.

I just had this trauma happen and then I went to rehab and I was like I'm never drinking again but I got my brain scanned and I confirmed that I have ADHD and anxiety so I got prescribed Vivance and Adderall so I became so addicted to them

and I became so addicted to losing weight and so when that guy ditched me and I literally lost it on him I was like okay I need to get off drugs like I haven't taken it since and I'm like I feel so much better.

Like I was so thin. It's funny. I was always like, I was like 110 pounds from 5, 6. So I was like, yeah, I was like, oh, like if I get really skinny, a guy will like me. And truly at my skinniest, I never had sex. And it's because I was so, I think, obsessed with like trying to be thin. And like, I was, I mean, manic.

I was insane. So I think, honestly, him ditching me helped me a lot because I literally sent him so many texts. And I was like, you're a horrible person. And my friend was like, did you need to do that? And I was like, I think I did to like look back and be like, maybe not take the drugs. But it sounds like it was like a real like awakening for you. Like and sometimes we don't thank him for anything. Fuck that guy.

But, you know, sometimes you need like a real shakeup in your life to be like, I'm on a bad path. And I know that feeling of being like I'm thinking about my body every single day, every single bit of food that goes in me. I am obsessed with being thin. It's the first thing I think of it when I wake up. in the morning. I weigh myself and the number on that scale is like the thing that informs high field on my whole day. And when I just threw the scale away and stopped obsessing about that stuff, I felt a lot better. I'm like the heaviest I've been in my life. I'm not, I'm just, this is the most I've weighed and I'm the happiest in terms of like your body.

Did you had to weight stuff before? Or did you kind of start losing it and like just viral or? Yeah, I've always been obsessed with my weight. And it's funny. I told my parents, I was like, I think I'm addicted to Adderall. And they were like, oh, yeah, your grandmother was addicted to diet pills. And she was so manic. She didn't sleep for three nights in a row. And then she decided at three in the morning she was going to get rid of the dead leaves in the yard. So she set them on fire and burn half the house down.

And like my mom and grandfather had to evacuate. I'm like, oh, so this is generational. Oh, my gosh. But yeah, just because, you know, I audition and I was doing on camera stuff and people say the meanest thing. So I just became so obsessed. night. Once you start losing weight, it just became an obsession. I was trying not to drink, and so it felt like a form of control. But I didn't weigh myself either until I went home, and my mom was like, how much do you weigh? I was like, 120. She's like, no, you don't get on the scale. And I was

like, holy shit. Because I was just so obsessed with not eating and losing weight, but it was like truly killing my brain. Yeah. And it made a hard to date also. Yeah, because, I mean, I had nothing real to add to the conversation. I feel like I was. It's just like, you know, just like. And when you're in that state, it's hard to know what you're actually looking for. And my friend, do you know Frex, Little Frex? I don't know. She's a New York comic.

She's really funny, but she also had an Adderall addiction a while ago, and she could tell I had one. And so she called me out and she goes, Hannah, you're never going to find the love you want on Adderall. And I'm like, all right. So. I dated someone that had an issue with Adderall as well. And it was tough on the relationship. and I was like screaming from my end. Like you're a better version of yourself and you're not on this.

You know, it was a real struggle for quite some time. And it was like I would talk to a good girlfriend of mine whose partner was on Adderall for ADHD and was totally like not abusing it and really needed it to get through the day. And it was just this thing of like, I just wish that could be his story because it's like a drug that a lot of people need and really helps them get through the day, you know, get through their life. Yeah, and I was on it for 12 years. So, like, I lose my keys all the time. I leave shit

everywhere. I'm like, I call myself Houdini because the shit just disappears on my hand. But I talked to, like, my psychiatrist, and I was just like, losing all of my keys, my phone, like my headphones, like, nothing is worth, like, how I felt in those last few months of, like, being so addicted to Adderall. I would, like, take it all within a week and a half, and then I would go buy more. And it was like, I need it. I know this. But it's like, when you're going out and seeking more, it's like probably not. Yeah. So you had this moment where like you had a meltdown with this guy of the relationship

and not you physically, like the relationship melted down and you were having some food issues, weight issues and the adderall stuff. So when you like hit this moment where you're like things have to change, like then what happened? Did you quit the Adderall cold turkey? Like how did you kind of lean off of it? I just, I flushed all the Adderall I had down the toilet. I probably had like 60 pills of Adderall and I flushed it down the toilet and I like

called my friend and I told her I had an Adderall addiction. She was like, yeah. It was like, it felt like someone who comes out and it's like, yeah, we know. We know. She was like, yeah, I think it's pretty clear. And then I was just like, okay, I got to make a change. And like, I'm on Welbutrin now, which she can't really abuse Welbutrin. And were you sober before this? So I was calling myself sober because I didn't drink. I haven't had a drink in almost two years. Sorry, I meant like alcohol-free, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, so that made me, it was like I had nothing to bring me down.

I wouldn't sleep for, like, days. Mm-hmm. And then I would, like, order food at 4 in the morning. One night, I hadn't eaten in, like, two days, and I was so hungry. And I couldn't sleep because I was on so much adderal. I waited until the diner opened up and delivered me Grubhub so that I could eat finally. Oh, my gosh. I was like, this isn't normal.

Yeah. Like, I'm still up when they're opening. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, sorry, this is off topic. No, we, I mean, I think this is a thing. people probably struggle with or even just any drug or being on the wrong drug or wrong medication

or then abusing it or any and all of it. And then the weight stuff is super relevant. I think and I just go back to what you said about being at your skinniest point and like not having sex or not feeling like wanted or desired and Rain can sit here and say, I mean, I haven't noticed a difference, but you can say you're at your heaviest and you're at your happiest. And didn't Courtney Kardashian say that too? Yeah. She was like, when you see the skinny pictures, I'm unhappy. And that's not everybody's story, but I think it's important to share things like that. Like, there isn't some number on the scale or some size clothing you're going to hit and all your problems will go away.

And everything will work out with every guy or girl you're into and you won't get ghosted and, you know, all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I had a size two pair of jeans from Zara. And I was like, oh my God, yes. And like, that's such a weird thing to be like, yes. But it's not because all we are. do is plays value on how women look and the size of clothing that you wear. And I mean, absolutely, like Ashley said, no weight that I ever hit made men more obsessed with me. It just made me more unhappy. And sometimes the thinnest people are the most unhappy. Not that she's unhappy. I was watching

this interview with Miranda Kerr the other day. And she was talking about her daily routine. And she's like, first thing I do is lemon water. I flush it all out. And then I have like a gallon of celery water. And then I have like alkaline water. And I was like, are you happy? I saw that. It was like she drinks like six different gallons of water before we all start our day basically. I was just like, I'm not willing to do that. And I'm not willing to like count every calorie and beat myself up and have a bad fucking day.

And like I was willing to do that for like 30 years. And I just like hit a point where I was like this isn't making me happier. And the thinest I ever was, I was getting cheated on and gaslit and made it feel terrible. And I look incredible. But I was fucking miserable every day. Food ruled my thoughts. Yeah.

And now we're in this like ozempic, phrase like we, I say we is a collective culture, like weight obsessed, image obsessed. So I love having these conversations. I do too. Yeah, like my grandmother was obsessed with it. So like, she made comments about me and my cousins like growing up. And I love my grandmother. Like, she was great. But like that was something she really like talked about was our weight. Yeah. So I grew up being very just aware of my weight and aware of how I looked. I've always thought about my weight. It's always on my mind. And I've like gone back and forth and diet and all the stuff. Nothing I would consider like disordered really, but struggled and all the things.

But I don't even know what happened if my parents or my grandparents or family members would have been saying things too because they really didn't. And I feel so lucky for that. Like I remember coming home from freshman year first semester and I probably gained 15, 20 pounds. And like my mom didn't say anything. Like I would tell that to a lot of people and people would be like, I can't imagine my mom not saying anything. When I went home after first semester, I had also gained 20 pounds. And I go to my grandmother's house and she opens the door and she goes, well, clearly the food can't be that bad. Oh my God. I was like, okay.

Right. It's like you're supposed to be the safe space in my life. And I'm home and I feel unsafe. My grandmother was not the cookies woman, you know? Right. Well, and it's like I think about that scene in sex in the city where Samantha opens the door to the shower and she just looks like, normal. Slim and perfect. And they're all like, whoa, what's with the gut?

And we're like, what? It's insane. The movie is so problematic, but you could tell her or Kim Cottrell had to like kind of pooch her stomach out to have like a tiny bit of fat come over her pants. And she's sitting there like trying to look as big as possible. And she's like, I've just been eating a lot of guac, watching the neighbor fuck. It's just like quack. She's thin.

I think about this a lot and I want to say it delicately. You know, I think it's really important and amazing that I do feel like times are changing. And I think we really lift up. all different ways that bodies look and can feel. And I think that's really important. And hopefully we're raising our daughters and women today to really love their bodies no matter how it looks. But I think that the message today is like,

you should love how you look no matter what. Let's lift up all types of bodies. And there's so many women that are like, I want to feel like that, but I don't feel like that. And I think the reason is because you can't remove decades of conditioning. You know, if you're in your mid-30s, you did grow up being told you were fat. by every magazine and TV show that you watched in your entire life.

You watched Samantha Jones have two pounds of extra fat, and then three women who are supposed to be your best friends are like, whoa, you fat ass. You know, like that was so normal. Never crossed my mind that that was crazy. And so I think that we're telling people like, love yourself and lift up every body type. And it's like, why don't put them people like, but why don't I love my body? And it's like, because it's going to take time to forgive yourself and accept yourself and like how you look and that's okay too you know and i you know i've gained weight healthy you know

it's been healthy but it's still been hard and i told my therapist i was like i feel like it's still in my brain and she's like yeah you have to work on it every single day you just have to tell yourself you love your body every single day and eventually you'll believe it so i just like i'm like i love my body wake up and i'm like i love my body i just don't want to feel bad about my body anymore. I'm like so over it. And we're lucky to be healthy and we hate to like age, but then I have to tell myself like it's a privilege to age.

So I think you just have to be thankful for what you do have and like have gratitude. Yeah. You really kindly volunteered to talk about something on the show that we're really excited to explore and like just normalize and talk about more. We had an episode a couple years ago with an educator from Planned Parenthood. We talked about sexually transmitted

STIs and you well you can tell your own story, but you volunteered to kind of talk about your own experience with STIs and dating and sharing that with a partner and things like that. Yeah, I have herpes. Just look into the camera. My name's Hannah. My name's Hannah. I have herpes. Yeah, I do. I have herpes and, you know, the bad kind, number two, downstairs.

Number two. Stop. Yeah. And I got it at the beginning of COVID. I was staying in my parents' basement, which sounds really bad, but I wasn't like hanging out with them. And then I would go to my brother's house and then I was hooking up with this guy and he was like, you know, we were using condoms and then he was like, you're the first person I've had sex with since my last test. Yeah, last test. And I believed him because like we had been seeing each other multiple times. So I'm like, he's not going to just give me an STD. And he did. And I got so sick. I got very ill. And so I thought I had COVID. So I was getting COVID tested. I had a fever of like 102 and then I like looked down and I was like, it was pain. It was

painful, but also I have really bad eczema. This is gross and all the cracks my body. So, like, when I'm really sick, it dries out all my skin. So I was like, oh, I just dry skin. And then I looked down and I was like, it's like a Jackson Polack painting. Oh my God. I was like, God, fucking damn it. And then I had to do a gynecology appointment over Zoom. And it was like, oh my God. I'm like, we're just processing again. This is like all COVID times. Yeah. She was like, yeah, that's her piece. And then here's the thing. So then I had to go in and get a blood test to confirm. Right.

And the woman called me on the phone. And she didn't speak great English. And I only point this out because she goes, yes, we got your blood results and you have HIV. And I was like, what? She was like, I'm sorry, HSV. And I was like, oh, my God. And I don't want to shame anyone who has HIV. No, it's a different disease.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a different disease. But I was like, I've got both. Because I was like, I knew I had herpes. I was like. I'm with you in this moment where the world is the worst it could be. You're living in your parents' basement. You already had to show your pussy on basically a cell phone to a stranger.

And then they take your blood to tell you all of HIV. Do you know, I've never been so relieved to have her. Am I going to get canceled for this? No. My friend from home who was in D.C. who had hang out, she was like, when it rains for you, it really poor. And I was like, yeah, I don't know. But it's, okay, this is like almost like when you tell your parents, you did something

really bad. And then you can be like, just kidding. I just go speeding ticket. You know, for a moment you thought that you had both. So just having Ruppies like was a relief. That's how we tell people stuff now. We tell them two bad things. I'm just kidding.

It's one. Yeah. Yeah, that's the way you should do. I was like, who, hell yeah. You know? And I burned the house down and I cheated on you. Just kidding. I just cheated on you.

house is fine. Yeah, that's how you got to do it from now one. You're being fucked up. If somebody ever cheats on me, that's how they have to tell me. Ashley died and I cheated on you. I'm just kidding. Ashley's fine. Okay, I'm sorry.

Yeah, so I was in my parents' basement and then I wouldn't get out of bed. So that was like the first time I lost weight actually because I like couldn't eat. I was like so stressed out about this. So can you just like walk us back? So you're like, okay, so I have herpes. Is it simplex too? Is that still a thing that you call it? Okay.

And then what? I mean, what does it look like from there? Is it like now I have to talk about treatment or like tell us kind of how you processed it and what is next? I was so sad. Yeah. I was so depressed. I was like, fuck.

Like, and the guy who gave it to me, I called him and he was like, you gave it to me. And I was like, there's no fucking way, dude. I was like, there's absolutely no way. And I was like, I lied. I was like, my uncle's a lawyer. And if you don't come clean right now, I'm going to sue you. And he was like, okay, I had sex with five other girls. And he was like, and one of them was pretty sketchy.

And I was like, don't you fucking call her sketchy? Because now you and I are sketchy. I was like, the only person sketchy in this situation is you. I was like so disgusted that he was like talking about this girl who gave it to him. Like, she's gross. And I'm like, now we're gross, bitch. Like, what the fuck? Right, right.

I was so upset. And, but once you get the vows. Like once the Valtrex hits, it's gone. And I take Valtrex every day. I haven't had an outbreak since. I've never given it to anyone. Oh my God. Wow.

Yeah. So can I just ask like, I don't know if this question is going to come off weird, but to get herpes? I mean, was he having an outbreak at the time that like he didn't know about or like? There was this moment we were hooking up and he was like, did you shave? And I was like, yeah. He was like, it kind of hurts when you. And I was like, I was so like, oh my God, I need to shave more.

Because it was in COVID so I couldn't go get a wax. Totally. And I was like, oh, so embarrassed that, like, I had, like, a sandpaper pussy. So then it was like, I thought of that moment. I was like, oh, he was definitely having an outbreak. But I couldn't see anything. Right. Like, yeah.

And that's something people should know. You know, if you think you're going to spot it. Yeah, you're not. You're not. You might not. You might not. Like, I used to do a bit about getting down there with an iPhone flashlight. Like, if you want to check.

Not for her, just to be, like, checking someone's genitalia out before you sleep with them just because it's such a bright light. You just kind of, like, do a little. once over. That's not safe sex, you guys. That's just a joke. I think people think like, oh, I would see it, but no. I didn't see anything. And I was down there for a while. I'm not inspecting the area with a flashlight. Oh, and you were down there before that. If it's like this, you're not like looking, I guess. Right. You're not like lifting up stuff and getting. Right. I have a question. So when this happened, like, was your initial instinct ever to like Google facts about this? What percentage of people get this? What percentage of the people that get it? How much does the medicine work? Like, did you dive into knowledge or were you just like, I need to self-preserve.

I'm really sad. I need to think about this more. I told my friend, I had it and she was like, one of our mutual friends has it. Let me ask her if I can tell you. Totally. And she did. And then that girl, we talked about it. She's like, I don't tell people.

Like, don't tell people. And I was like, all right, I'm going to tell people. But she sent me your guys' podcast. She was like, see, it's not that big of a deal. It was helpful because it's just when you talk about it and normalize it. I think it's so hard too because herpes has been a punchline in movies for so long. Right. Like I recently watched John Tucker Must Die.

And there's a scene when they're like trying to get back at him and they make him a herpes model. And he's in the theater. And he gets booed out of the theater. Like popcorn thrown at him. I was like for having herpes. Right. Yeah. It's a punchline.

But also we grew up where being fat was a punchline too. Like the stuff we just talked about. Like it's like we've evolved also from the hat. I think people still make herpes jokes. And then like people still. make them and I'm like, your turn is coming, baby. It's like everyone has it. They don't even test your blood anymore because it causes so much mental health. So it's like if you don't have an outbreak, you might still have it.

Well, and that was the one thing I really remember from our episode that I didn't know was that this is not on a pap smear or on a panel. You have to get blood work. Yeah. So you have to request it. And so a lot of people could be, I assume, living with it dormant. And you would never even get tested unless you have. got an outbreak and you requested it. Yeah. Am I, I mean, for the most part? No, that's true.

It's so funny. My friend, she was seeing this guy and she was like, I'm so sick of using condoms. I was like, you better make him check. I was like, he needs to go in and check. And he got his blood tested and he tested positive. And I was like, but it's only, he's never had an outbreak. Yeah. Well, I mean, do you know the stats on how many people have herpes?

Is it like one in three? One and four? They say one in three. They say one and three. But I do believe it's one in three. Like, I mean, I think it includes. I think it's one and six. for like herpes downstairs, but like all herpes, like a cold sore.

A cold sore. Okay. But like I'm saying it's probably more. There's people who I could have it. You could have it. Like you just, if you've never had an outbreak, it could be in your body. I mean, again, we're not doctors. You know.

If you thought we were, we're not. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I had an outbreak. So it was pretty clear. Just that first time. Yeah. And then not since.

You're on Valtrex. It's a daily pill. Yeah, it's a daily pill. Just because I don't want to have to think about it. For sure. I love what you. said to him so much and I hope it gave people a lot of like comfort and relief that like he called this girl sketchy and you were like now I have herpes too and what what is my sin here

that I trusted someone. And so do you. Yeah. Like that I believed you and you said that like I could trust you that you're STI free. Like I'm not sketchy. I'm a normal fucking person. Yeah. And I like, I went to his birthday party with all of his friends and I'm like I just felt so stupid. I was like this is ridiculous. And I was so sad. Like I, yeah, I didn't know what to do. What was going through your mind at that time? Yeah, I felt like I'll never date again.

And like I would go on a couple dates and then I'd be so weird. And guys would like be like, oh, do you want to go on a second date? And then I'd be like, no. I was so afraid to have to tell them. Yeah. And then when I started doing it in stand up, it just kind of helped me tell someone because it's like, if you stay in a room full of people. Takes the power away about that?

Yeah, exactly. And also, one time I told the guy and he was like, I have it too. He was like, why are you telling me this? And I was like, well, I don't. And then I talked to my doctor. Was he not going to tell you? Yeah, he wasn't going to tell me. Because I would talk to my doctor and she was like, if you don't have an outbreak and you're using condoms, you don't have to tell them. If they ask, you shouldn't lie, but you don't have to tell them. And I have such weird guilt. So I feel like halfway through sex, I'd be like, I have herpes if I didn't just lead with it. But guys don't care. Okay. Never once have they cared. Okay.

When do you normally bring it up? When I meet them immediately. I'm like, hi. No. Well, if you've seen your Instagram. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's kind of on my Instagram. I tell them like when it feels like we're going to have sex.

Yeah. Like whatever date that is. And I'm like, look, you should know. And they're like, okay. I mean, that may not be everyone's experience, but I really love hearing that. It's really encouraging that you have run into plenty of guys that have not cared. Yeah.

I also live in New York City for a while. I got this text message. I was really surprised by it. A very close guy friend of mine texted me and he said that somebody who he had been recently dating told him that she had herpes and he was like she said this, this, this, and this to me. And he basically wanted my advice and how to respond because he was like, I want to be kind and I want to ask the right questions because I don't want

to make her feel bad. But he was like, I don't know what to say here. He wasn't like, this is so gross. He was like, I want to know how common this is and what her outbreaks are like. issue on medication. And I was like, then just say that. You know, like, if you like somebody and you want to continue to date them. Yeah. It's totally normal for somebody to share some information with you. And if you really don't know anything about it, to ask questions. And I just, I was, like, proud that it's become normalized to the point that like people at least are just like, the initial

reaction isn't, I don't want to be with this person. The initial reaction from him was like, I want to know how to ask the questions. And I was at least, you know, happy to see that that's becoming more common. Yeah. Yeah. I told a couple of my comic guy friends before, I was like, what do you think of this? And they were like, I think it's a good test. They're like, you date the worst fucking guys. So honestly, this is a good, you know, gauge of like how men are going to treat you after sex. Like if they do respond like horribly, then they were, you know what I mean? I love that. Yeah. It's a great filtering system. Yeah. So I still sometimes, it's like the weight thing. I still sometimes feel weird about it because I can't help it because people

make jokes and even even now people will make like herpes you know and it's like I'll be sitting right there I'm like I'm right fucking here but I shake it off you know because I also guys dump girls for the dumbest shit

like my friend's brother dumped this girl he said she's never had an original thought I'm like that's a new one wow and he's so original right his thoughts yeah exactly yeah so I'm like if a guy doesn't like you he's gonna find a way

to dump you and it's like if it's herpes like, see you later. Virgin, you know. I mean, it's just so common. And, okay, so you are just closing it, but you've run into people that are like, I don't, I think you should, but, you know, obviously if you're using condoms,

but, I mean, you met a guy who was like, I wasn't going to tell you, basically? Yeah. Okay. But then, like, we hung out a few more times, and I was like, this is a type of guy who wouldn't tell someone. Okay.

Also, I'm not saying this in a judgmental way, but out of curiosity of, like, like how most people are handling this. Not that you know how everybody's handling it. Yeah, I think when you get it, like I've had a lot of girls messaged me after a show and be like, oh my God, I was at that show. I was with my friends.

They don't know, but I do have it. I never know what to say because I'm like, I'm sorry that happened. You know, they have a lot of questions and I'm like, you're just going to get over it over time. Also, herpes, the longer it's in your system, the less strong it is. Okay.

So basically after, it could not stop showing up after 10 years. Yeah. Which is a long time. to have herpes, but... Yeah. Well, that's also encouraging. Yeah, it does go away, like, or is less strong. I don't know.

Yeah. I'm happy you brought that up. I really was curious if people watch your clips and come to your shows and they slide into your DMs and ask you about it. It's girls mostly because I think girls feel more shame about it. I always feel so bad for them because I know exactly what they're going through. It's true. I think women are made to feel shame about everything, about every part of your body,

how you smell, how you love, your weight. And so, like, that's just like, another thing. actually think about my day-to-day life. But I find it really at least calming that you can take something from it and that you haven't had an outbreak, which is incredible. Is that common? Do you know if that's common? If you take the pill every day, it is common.

To not have outbreaks. I mean, again, not an expert in any way, but even something like HIV is so much more treatable and it's just so different than it was when we were growing up, we've come so far with medications. Yeah. And I think it just sucks that herpes does last the longest and it's the most common. Like, I have so many friends who got chlamydia.

Like when I got herbes, my friend was like, I just had chlamydia. I was like, you shut the fuck up. You're bragging at this point. Right. Well, we talked about it last week, but my mom called me and told me I had clemydia, but she was just reading my lab results wrong. But she was just so casual about it on the phone. I was like, I've had that.

It's like no biggie. Yeah, my parents, when I was so depressed and my, in my basement because I like wouldn't, I was like, I'm not going to eat dinner with you guys. Like, I'm just so sad alone in the basement. And my parents came down and they're like, we're worried you're on heroin. I was like, what? And I was like, no, I have herpes. And my parents both at the same time are like, oh my God, thank God.

Oh, my God. The lesson of this episode, make them think it's on the worst. Yeah. Right. And they were like, your grandmother had that. I was like, it's the same one that almost burned the house down. Grandma again? Yeah.

She's a crazy how. Oh my gosh. A wild woman. Yeah. And you feel like it just has gotten easier, like telling people and caring so much about it and thinking that it's a death sentence day one to be more confident. Yeah. And also I was 28 when I got it.

I'm about to be 31. I feel like you become more of an adult when you're 30. And so now guys I'm dating are like mid-30s. So it's like they're adults. Like a guy in their 20s like, oh, no. It's so true. I mean, I feel like I'm like giving too much credit to this guy who texted me that. but I dated him in our 20s.

And that's my view of him. And he's in his mid-30s now. And he's a man. He's an adult man who's, like, confident and smart. And I did not expect that to be his reaction. And it's like, of course it is. It's an adult, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. And chances are if someone breaks up with you for this, they were going to break up with you for something else. Yeah, exactly. Like, I appreciate what you said about being like a good gauge of someone who would be with you, stick around. When I think about all my guy friends that I know that you know, None of them have ever told me that they met a girl with herpes and didn't date her.

It was her personality. Something else. I really, I mean, I never thought about it that way, but it's a good way to reframe it. Like, I don't know one person that's ever been like, they had herpes so we broke up. Yeah, 100%. Because like your guy friend, you would ask questions. And once you actually know the disease and are educated on it, it's not that big a deal. I once tweeted people who say herpes isn't a big deal have herpes, which is, you know,

my karma, fucking got it. But like, oh, you tweeted that before. Yeah. But then I learned, like, because it is not a big deal. And it's made to be a big deal because it's the easiest punchline. Like, you couldn't make fun of HIV because people were dying from it. So like herpes was like the easiest one to make fun of. Yeah. I think it's fine to ask your partner to go get tested before you sleep with them.

One of my best friends, Emily Federer was on her show in March of 2022. She is psychotic. Will not touch you naked until you go get an STD test. And she's so, she just like won't do it. I'm always so impressed with her. She'll make you, she'll march down to a place where you can get up inside of that.

Can you do it pretty easy with, I mean, I've had this at my gyno, but it's like an annual. Can you just, is it easy? You know it at urgent care. Yeah,

you can get tested. You can get herpes test to urgent care. You can anything down at urgent care. Well, and then how quick do you get the results? Herpes is pretty urgent. Let me tell you. You cannot walk.

Well, because they'll take your blood. You know, like, I've done everything there. Like, they're not specialists, you know? So, like, they diagnosed me with like hypertension

and like, blood pressure issues. I mean, I know it's a blood pressure cop, but like, well, I just like to talk about how easy it is. Yeah, I know because Emily, because she's so crazy. I just think of it as like your gynecologist appointment, which who could take who knows how long. Yes, you can go to urgent care. Well, great.

Should we go get best of the street? Should you go get bestie? Do you people run in there, like, someone's demanding before they fuck? And they're like, I need it right now. Can you expect? I need a rapid. A lot of people, a lot of doctors are like, no. Try to fucking an hour. A rapid herpes test, like a COVID test. Yeah, I have guy friends who go

in there and they lie and they're like, I just had sex with a girl who has herpes just to like check that they don't have it. And I'm like, you're so neurotic. Okay. Well, good to know. Yeah. So we're going to transition topics. Yeah. Something a little heavier. Yeah, I was, so when I was talking about the trauma earlier, it was because almost two years ago on my birthday, I was abducted and raped. And it was in LA and it was in front of the bungalow. And a lot of times I found out what men do is they'll pull up and their friend will pull up behind them in the same car. So you get in their car and then they cancel the ride. So they look for drunk girls to like do this.

Like two Camrys pull up. That's what the car you thought you were going to get in. Yeah, exactly. And I got, I was so drunk. This was actually the night before my birthday. And then I was out with a guy and he got in the car with me. And he got out at 7-Eleven. And then I don't remember.

I really don't remember anything. And I woke up in this guy's bed in Compton. and he tried to put a blanket on me, which was crazy. And immediately, like, my body was in fight mode. And I was like, where did we meet? Because I recognized him from the Uber. And he was, like, in Santa Monica. Like, he was like, holy shit.

She caught me. Like, and he was so young. So he almost, like, heard that girls will be like, oh, okay. And I was like, you rape me, you rape me, you rape me. I started screaming. And he goes, you have to keep your voice down there. There are kids in the house. I'm like, where the fuck are we?

Oh, my God. So I grabbed my shirt. shit and I run out of the house and I FaceTime my friend in Wisconsin because I just like didn't know what to do and she like answers she's like oh my God what happened and I was like I got raped and my phone fucking dies and I'm

in the middle of Compton so then I'm like okay I went to USC I feel like I know how to get around here and so I ran to a main street and I just I sprinted to a nearby gas station and I asked to charge my phone and the guy was like no

I was like do you have a phone charger and he was like no. And I was like, please, I really need help. And he was just like, no. So then I go down to the motel that was like down the street. And I try to check into a hotel so I can use the hotel phone. And the guy's like, no, we're booked. And I'm like, can I use the phone? And he said no. So I'm like, Charlie's there in a monster at this point. Like my hair's everywhere. I'm just like shaking. And I'm like, I turned to a guy and I was like, are we going towards Santa Monica? And he goes, no. And he was like, but by the way, you are so beautiful. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I like pull the stop. I get out. And I remember seeing like a Starbucks across the street when we were when we were

driving the bus. So I run to a Starbucks. I call my dad because that's the only number I knew. And then he called my friend who picked me up. And I didn't want to go to the rape center because I was like, they're not going to do anything about this. I know it. And like I'm just going to have to spend all day in the rape center. And my friend was like, you have to go. So I did. And, and It's pretty brutal. Like I had outgoing calls to 911. I had like, so I was like fully conscious, but like I don't remember anything. And then I went to rehab because I was like had to deal with this trauma.

And they said sometimes your brain blocks things out because it will make you go crazy. So I had so much evidence against this guy. But basically they ended up dropping the case because they said that multiple women need to come forward. So he needs to rate multiple women. What? And they need to come forward. so that they have a case because with one woman,

it's too much he said she said. I'm like, speechless. I don't even know what... Yeah, is that too dark? No. No, it's never too dark. I mean, it's your experience. But so what happened was that

you called an Uber and a different... You got into a different person's car and he drove you to his home and you don't remember being there. And he drove me... I think he drove me to a parking lot in Culver City to do it because I had called an Uber,

I called another Uber when I was in... And I looked at my map. And it was in a parking lot in Culver City. And I had outgoing calls to 911. So I was like, God. Yeah, that's,

I, and then that means he dragged, like, my lifeless body into his home. And I'm so lucky he didn't kill me. Like, I think about that all the time. Like,

he could have murdered me. But this kid was, like, 17. That's like so crazy. I remember you telling me this. And, like,

what I was picturing was, like, an older man. Like, I don't know why. You just think it's, like, you have a picture in your head

of someone that would do this. And it was like, this is like, young person. Yeah, I woke up to like posters on the wall. Like what the fuck? Soccer players on the wall and I'm like, uh-oh. And then I look at him and I was like, oh my God.

And, uh, yeah, it was just, I think it's so unfortunate because it happens every single night. Like I wouldn't in the cop car because I didn't write down the address because I was just trying to run away from him because I was kind of worried he'd get a gun and shoot me because I just screamed rape. So I like ran out and I ran down the, the street and so fast. And then I realized I didn't write down his address. So I went with a cop the next day. My mom flew in. We went to the, got in a cop car and we drove to the house to like,

because I could remember the gas station and the turns. And I remembered the house. So I showed them the house. And as we're pulling up, they get a call and they're like, a woman's been raped by her Uber driver. But she doesn't want to report it because her mom will be mad at her for being drunk. And I was like sitting in there and in the car like, they were like, sorry if this is triggering. I'm like, what the fuck? And they were like, yeah, this happens every single night. It happens in Miami and Chicago

mostly. And LA. It's just hard to prove their saying allegedly because they can't prove that you didn't know who this was. You didn't volunteer to go home with them. Is their point like this could have been a person that this was consensual with? Is their point like this could have been

a hookup that that's what the cop argued. Okay. Which is so crazy because, like, my body was so bruised. Like, I was, like, beaten the shit out of. So, like, obviously. What the fuck? I just, like, I don't have any words. Like, I'm so mad, like, that this is how this played out, that this happens all the time.

And there's, like, nothing. That's what I think kills me is that I feel so helpless against it because I'm like, there's really nothing we can do. So the cop was, like, in the car, the detective was like, I just want to be honest with you. Like, you're probably not. going to get anything out of this. And my mom feels, what? So I have to get a gun and shoot the guy?

I'm like, don't say that to. That's the feeling you're a laugh way. But can you, like, this wasn't your Uber driver that you could see his photo in the app. This was a, like, his friend, probably. Yeah. I think they were working together. I would, like, blast this person's photo all over the internet.

Yeah, that would be my recourse. But I understand being afraid that that person, like, could get a gun and can kill you. I know. It's terrifying. And I just want to jump in here and tell people, like, you can go back on the snow episode with Britney Piper, which was in 2020 of like to report not to report,

this is like we're not telling anyone what they should do or shouldn't do and neither are you and neither was she. So, you know, one. I think too, I had kind of a crazy like year after. And a part of it was like the guy who got into the car with me who got out. First of all, when I called him from the rape center, he goes, oh, you're alive. And I was like, what the fuck, dude? And he was like, that guy was so creepy.

I was like, and you left me like a fucking car. Oh, my God. What? And like that guy didn't reach. out all year. And I was like, I'm losing my fucking mind. Yeah. I was like, did this not happen? Like, am I making this up? So I feel like having the evidence, having the police report was helpful for myself because I was like, people deal with the trauma differently. And I understand it's really hard for people. And like, it's not an easy thing. So yeah, I just was kind of losing my mind.

I'm sorry. And I know the feeling of helplessness you must feel because you're invalidated at every point. Yeah, and they were like, if you go to court, they're going to look through your Instagram and see that you talk about sex on the stage. Oh, my God. You're drunk all the time or drink alcohol and they're going to make you out to be the worst person in the world. And I was like, honestly, I still wanted to press charges because I was like, I, this. This happened. This happened.

Right. And the fact that it's being treated, like, it's not happening or it didn't happen blows my fucking mind. Yeah. And, like, actually, the cop ghosted me. So I would like text him and I'd be like, is there any update? And he wouldn't text me back. And then I had to hire pro bono my friend's dad who's a lawyer to get the actual verdict of like why this cop goes to me.

So he couldn't even fucking sack up and tell me that they were dropping the case. I had to go through like. How does this real life? Like I don't have like the words to articulate how I even feel about this. It's just like how the actual fuck is this how this. plays out. And it sounds like, you know, you are a person that has the resources. You have a family that supports you in this. You went down every one of the right past. You immediately went to the rape center. You got a rape kit. You brought the cop back there. You knew who this person was and

like still could not prosecute him. It makes me so angry. Yeah. So that was kind of like the anger I was dealing with all year, which I think going to rehab really helped me process it obviously. But then like the losing weight and the Adderall, I think it was a lot. I think it was a a direct relation to like losing my mind from this event. And unlike herpes, rape is such a hard thing to talk about. Like, because people get so uncomfortable. And a lot of times, like, I've talked about this before on a different podcast and the comments where like, she's making this up.

This is the fakes story I've ever heard. And it does sound like a crazy story. But like, it's so insane that it's like, why would I make that up? I don't even like, I don't even want to validate the people that say that. So, yeah, it's a weird thing to talk about because. obviously men cannot handle the word rape. They're like, well, you know, because they feel like somehow they're responsible. I don't know.

It's just a very awkward thing to happen. And when I got out of rehab, I had lost a lot of weight. And I remember my friend goes, who didn't know, she was like, oh, my God, you look so good. What have you been doing? I was like, if you only fucking. Oh, my God. Yeah. So with herpes, I think it has been easier to process as a comedian on stage.

And like, it's been helpful to talk about. But I feel like with rape, even talking about it, people make you a bad person somehow. Like they, you know, villainize you for like talking about it or they, I don't know. Which is so ass backwards. Do you have people to talk about it with? Yeah, I mean, I found like support. Yeah. I'm in like a lot of therapy.

And like I did ketamine therapy. I really, I've just been trying everything. And I think the only thing I can do is like have acceptance. And that's so unfortunate, but I've had to get sober, you know, like change my life and just try to move forward because there's nothing I can do. And I don't want this to hold me back for the rest of my life. So that was the thing. When I got out of rehab, I was like, I just want to get back on stage. I just want to do stand-up.

But it wasn't like as easy as I thought. I was like, I just want to get back to doing everything. So I ignored it. And then taking all the Adderall, like you feel nothing on Adderall. and so it was very like, oh, I'm just never going to leave my apartment. I got a dog. I never left my apartment. I didn't eat.

I didn't sleep. And I just, like, went crazy in my apartment. So when I had a second breakdown in Miami after I was like on all this Adderall and I talked to my friend, she was like, I would say this breakdown is better than the last one. We're making progress. Yeah. Yeah. It's just tough because, you know, I want to make jokes.

But it's like, it's not. It's the hardest part about getting raped is being a comedian because I'm like, I can't even talk about it. Oh my gosh. I mean, we talked about this before of like part of the joy of being a comedian is processing your darkest shit on stage. But then there's this line of like people get uncomfortable. I was talking about this to someone else about some really dark topic. And they were like, people get too tight. And then you're like, this isn't serving the purpose that I wanted to.

This is not going to be relatable to all the listeners. But I feel you. No, and also I don't want people feeling bad for me. Like, I hate the feeling like pity. So I'm like, it's okay. Like, I survived. And the fact that I wasn't murdered is such a gift. And like, I now believe everything happens for a reason.

I believe in the universe. I'm very spiritual, which is, you know, people would be like, she lost her mind. But like, I kind of have to think that way. I have to think everything happens for a reason. That got me sober. Like, I really needed to get sober. Uh-huh.

And I don't remember it, which is also a lucky thing. Like, if I'd remembered it, it would be impossible. Yeah. I mean, I'm just, I'm proud of you. I'm impressed with you for your perseverance. And, you know, all you can do is go to therapy and talk about this and try to move on. And if anybody invalidates it or suggests you made it up, no one wants this. No one wants to be the person that has to talk about this and deal with this every single day.

What a crazy thing to insinuate that somebody would make this up. And yes, of course, once in a blue moon, there are people that make any. anything up. But it's such a disgusting, horrible thing to insinuate that it didn't happen or that your version of events is not true. And you didn't get anything out of it either. You didn't get to prosecute somebody. Like, it's not a vindictiveness thing where you went after a person. Exactly. And I don't really talk about it on social media. I don't really talk about it unless it's in a podcast setting because if people are listening and are uncomfortable, they can turn it off. You know, and it's just easier to be in a safe space to talk about because it is such a dark thing. And then

like we're able to share the whole story. Yeah, exactly. Like that have like a snippets. People could take and run with, I don't know. But obviously it goes out saying like let this just be like a cautionary tale. And also to anyone listening. Yeah, I would say definitely always check the license. Yeah, yeah.

And what's crazy is I got in the car with a guy. Right. You know. Right. Yeah. That's like you think you should. It's not even like I was with a friend. It's like check the license plate.

But it's hard when you're fucking up. Of course. This happened to another girl I know because my friend connected us. in West Hollywood, one of those clubs, this happened to her. And it's like, it happens all the time. And I've had nights when I've been out and I've gotten an Uber and guys have been like,

oh, you need a ride? And I'm like, thank God I'm not fucking drunk. Yeah. So they're like, they pray on drunk women. Yeah. And there's not, it's not like, this conversation is so touchy because like you should be able to get fucking drunk and not get raped, you know?

But it's like when you don't have your wits about you. Like, I feel so lucky that I went to college in this town where I was blackout drunk all the time and nothing bad ever happened, you know, and I got out of there because it was just like, I didn't know where I was a lot, you know, which is you're an easy target if you're stumbling around dead behind the eyes. So it's just like, I never want to be like, don't get drunk. You know, it's just like, that's not fair. We shouldn't to live like that. People should just not can have been rape people and abduct them. But it's like, figure out your plan. So there's someone that's less drunk or like whatever it is, whatever we have to do to be out here just

like screaming, check the license plate. Like I don't know. Like there's whatever we need to do. So it's like top of mind. If like this is one thing that can even when you're, you've been drinking, you can remember. Totally. And another thing I do when I, before I get a car, I'm like, who are you here for? Is it being like, Hannah? Yes. So I ask them. you asked them. But I also checked the license plate. And I, last year, it had been a year since it happened. And I was in L.A. for a wedding. And I got in Uber and I didn't check the license plate. And the guy was like very weird and creepy. I was so scared. Like I had PTSD. So he rolled to the stop sign. I opened the door and rolled out of the car. Just get out. Like, I mean, don't hurt yourself.

Like just, but I'm like, trust your gut. And if you're wrong, you're wrong. And you look like a crazy person. But what's the alternative? awkwardly, I checked the license, because he stopped, because he was like, what the fuck, I checked the license plate, it was the correct license plate. So I had to awkwardly get back in the car. Oh, you got back. I got back in because I was like, well, I need the ride. Well, that's not weird either to me.

Like, I think you demand that somebody says your name to you. Yeah. And then you check the license plate. Yeah. And the guy was like, is everything okay? I was like, I just have PTSD. And then like, he didn't say anything. And then three minutes later, he goes, my ex-girlfriend had PTSD.

And I'm like, I wonder fucking why. Like. Yeah. But it was just such a moment of like, could this happen again? Totally. I mean, it could. But that's why I don't drink. I like always want to be able to fight someone or be sure I'm getting in the right call.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Hannah, you're really like just thank you so much for sharing that story. It's just like it's so personal and it's so important. And I think that this happens obviously a lot more than, you know, we even know about. So it makes me so mad. But I'm like so proud of you and impressed that you.

You're just like, all I can do is work on me now and, like, be an advocate and speak out about this. And so, thank you. We need people like you to do stuff like that. Thanks. I mean, I hope that, yeah, it helps someone. And my friend said that. It is. It will.

Yeah, she told people, like, she told her friends about it. And then she texts me like, oh, my friend ended up not getting into the wrong car because she checked the license plate. And I was like, the fact that it has already helped one person is enough. Yeah. Absolutely. And that's the only silver lining from this. And so thank you. And everything you've shared in this episode is like really vulnerable and honest and open.

And maybe it's a big deal to you because you do this on stage all the time. And it's a big deal to a lot of people. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks for having me. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yeah. And then people can follow you on Instagram, watch your comedy. Yeah. Plug everything you want. This is such a weird time to plug something. But I don't know. Follow me for more exciting stories. Well, Hannah, if you want to slide in and ask you questions about your life and your experience,

where can they slide in? It's at. Hans Dickey, H-A-N-S-D-I-E. And I am performing in Seattle, June 1st. Okay. That's on my Instagram. Great. Cool.

Okay. Yeah. All right, guys. Well, again, weird time to plug. But Girls GottaEat.com for tour dates, tickets, all the things. Girls Got Eat podcast on Instagram and TikTok. I'm Ash Hess. Raina is reina.

com. And then vibes only. com and vibes only on Instagram for our sex toy company and connected app. And that's it. We'll see next week. Have you all you guys. Bye.