Girls Gotta Eat - Are Assumptions Ruining Dating?

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

Do we actually know what the opposite sex wants when it comes to dating, or have we been wrong all along? On this episode, we're discussing a recent study that shows how assumptions and misconceptions could be hurting your dating life. We talk about why and how we misread people in early stages of dating and how to stop, the importance of recognizing differences in your partner and their reactions, the male/female disconnect about etiquette, and more. Before we dive into the topic, we catch up on Ashley's mortifying pharmacy moment and Rayna's problematic new email address, plus we're discussing how much day-to-day minutia you share with your partner vs. your friends, and sharing our and our listeners' unexpected dirty talk turn-ons. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Shop Vibes Only. Thank you to our partners this week: Gametime: Get $20 off your first purchase when you download the Gametime app and create an account with the code GGE. Daily Harvest: Get $30 off your first box + free shipping at dailyharvest.com/gge. Helix: Get 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows at helixsleep.com/gge. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Basically, we just are thinking the opposite sex doesn't want what we want. And actually, it's not with the data shows. Yeah, and we're operating from these assumptions. Podcast is a Dear Media production. Okay, hit it. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. You said hit it.

Hit it. Hit it. Hit it, Tesla. What was that from? It was the live show. Someone yelled it to her. No, it was the audience member that yelled at you. Was it during the talent show?

Yeah, she was like, hit it, Tessa. Anyway, come to our live shows. They are wild. Yeah, come on stage, wind vibrators. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. I don't even know if we did a hi-guise. I did hi-guys.

And I laughed at you saying hit it. Okay. You made me laugh so hard a minute ago because you were like, you can wear a bra with that? And I was like, yeah, I guess I could take it off. So I took it off and she go, whoa. It was like so sexy. Like, I don't understand what it's like to be like taking a bra off and have, like, titty's flying up into your neck.

You know, like, Raina had taken a bra off underneath, like, an already tight top. It was just, like, tities everywhere. And I was like, I can't relate to this at all. They were, like, in your neck. Yeah, you were to hold them in to the shirt. And also, I had this moment. We were at Dear Media. Last week, filming some fun, like, social clips with their team who's, like, so great.

If you guys haven't watched on Instagram, we did this great, like, therapy clip with them. But we were changing. And then I got in the elevator, and I realized that I was also wearing a bra saying I didn't want to wear it. So I unhooked my bra. I pulled off one strap and then these two guys walked in and I just had to like stand there with my bra open and my bra hiding out and like just hold my tits and you can't like whip a bra out

in an elevator. If anybody would, I would. But guys are so impressed by that shit. Have you ever like done something like that like a maneuvered a bra off or a shirt under another shirt or done something only women can do in terms of like an outfit or an undergarment change? And like your boyfriend or whoever's around you was like what the fuck? Like they think you're doing a magician. Like if you do something like that, they can't compute. Like, men could never. Because men wear a t-shirt and pants, but it's never changed. I think one time I was like hiking with Sparkalize, my boyfriend, and he like took a sweatshirt off.

I was like, are you good? Like, just to get to the t-shirt underneath. I'm like, why it's taking so long? You know? Okay, that is such an ick for me. Watching men take off sweatshers where the neck is really tight. The way they can't get out of it. It hits their nose.

It's so, and then they think their hair is all fucked up. It is such an ick. That is so funny. Yeah, I mean, I get myself the ick. Like, I wear my little hair clips, my, like, Harry Josh, like, green hair clips that, like, Kim Kardashian has, you know, everybody in Hollywood has them. And if I forget that those are in and I try to take off a shirt, like, they rip my hair. Like, I'm just like, I hate myself. Like, please no one, watch this.

Your face is, like, all wind swept in the shirt. Yeah. Yeah, it's embarrassing. Okay. Let's take our partners. We'll jump in. Okay. Daily Harvest, get $30 off your first box plus free shipping at Daily Harvest.

And thank you to Helix. Get 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows at helixsleep.com slash gge. And GameTime, get $20 off your first purchase when you download the GameTime app and create an account with the code GGE. Okay, you might not let me keep this in, but I, no, I just like, I have to say it. I have a good sense you can't remember about myself. Raina. So you got a new email address and it says Raynal. It says Raina L. So Raina's email address is Raynal. It's Raynal Greenberg and you can't have it. You have to change it now.

So I didn't want to say because I didn't want people to have your email address, but you can't have that email address. Raynal Greenberg. Do you think that's why it was available? Do you think that's why Noah took it? I was like, this is so easy. How did I get that? So we're going to, she's going to get.

a bit, so don't try to email it, but Raina did do... My middle name is Lee, so like, Raina out. Raynall. Like, you're on that investor email. Raynal Greenberg. I'm glad this is hitting. I was like, I'm keeping it. I'm not leaving.

I'm not leaving. I'm keeping it, okay? You guys don't email her. You don't know what... Which platform I use is Yahoo. Yeah, it's not mail. It's AOL. Rinal Greenberg at Yahoo.

MSN. Oh, Rayna, like, I can't. Like, I cannot believe it. And it's not even spelled weird. Like, that's how you would spell Raynal. Truly. You know, this is, like, what I got me found out of my whole life growing up.

Like, boys on the bus called me Raynal. Oh, my God. I really walked right into this, Ashley. Oh, my God. You didn't even think? No way. Other email address is so embarrassing. There's, like, a dot and a number.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think I, like, made my first, I made a Gmail address when I was, like, 12. I didn't think about it. I didn't think I'd be a multimedia celebrity who also owns a huge sex toy business one day. I know. I didn't think like be professional grow up. I mean, I don't love mine, but it's like, I've just had it forever. It's fine. Mine's not like yours. Mine's great. Mine's iconic. I'm giving it. That's been my nickname, Reynolds. I was little. I know. I can't. I was little. Yeah. My grandpa came up with it. Oh my God. I have to wipe the tears away. Get your bra while you're up.

There's just like a bra sitting on the couch. All right. Well, welcome back to Girls Got to Eat. We're a comedy show about dating sex and relationships with Ashley House Tine and Raynal Greenberg. And we're a dear media production. We have been laughing so hard lately. Like, it's coming up through my body. Like, it's been reminding me when I was younger and you would just be to sleepover, like, crying. peeing throwing up, you know, like, it's been really nice. Yeah, so much of it is just center around you and Tessa making fun of me. And honestly, you guys are lucky have a good sense of humor about myself. It's just like, I got a UTI. Tessa walked you on me naked. Our audience agreed that Tessa was the victim.

I think the comments were so funny. People were like, Raina's not the victim here. Tessa is. Who goes upstairs? Somebody's home. It was really funny. I just, I laugh all the time. But you know that like deep, like can't catch your breath like it.

you feel it in your body like maybe I'll never be able to stop. Well, the hardest that we've laughed all year, we're not going to share the story. We are not gatekeeping it. You guys will not think it's funny. It's just not funny. And I've been thinking about this for days. We've been trying to think if we could share it. Again, I swear to God, you guys just, you're welcome that we're not going to share it.

Because you will just sit there straight face. I told my boyfriend, tears streaming on my face. He was just straight face. He loved watching me laugh, but like he didn't get the humor. It's a true you had to be there. It's so dumb. I tried. I tested the waters.

and was like brutally rebuffed. Yeah, somebody that loves you, did laugh. Yeah. We really wanted to share the story with you guys, but it's really not that funny. So I am going to share a story. I was not going to share this in the podcast.

Oh. But I'm going to tell, you know it, but I think you'll still hopefully find some humor in it, hearing it a third time. It's this one. Speaking of A-O. So if you're new around here, I have a lot of issues with my butt.

Like, it's just, it's always something. Like, it started when I fell, down the stairs drunkenly so many years ago and I had this giant bruise on my butt that is turned into scar tissue. I have a lump. My butt's uneven. Like whatever. It's always something. And then two summers ago, I overshared about a cyst that I had, which I will say, I've never got more messages about people love medical stuff. People love body stuff. People really like to normalize that kind of thing. I had this cyst and I had like a very funny situation at the urgent care and then seeing a doctor and all this stuff. So my latest butt issue that I'm willing to share is like,

Nothing crazy is going on back there, but it's just, it's always something. She doesn't have a butthole. I have no, butthole. I have a colossomy back. No, I'm just kidding. But I do have like an itchier butt sometimes. You do. I just not because you're a dirty butt hole, but you don't.

Raina. You clean your butt hole way more than I do. Also, I'm known for how much I scrub my butt. Like so many years ago in the podcast, one of the funniest moments was Raina, like walking in my hotel room and seeing my washcloth in my shower and being like, I've been mean to ask what you use this for? And I'm like, I like to get in there. I, for years, we would just go into her bathrooms and the wetest washcloth

you guys have ever seen. So I like to really clean my butthole. You know, you got to clean it. I have a bidet. I'm very into like butthole health. But it's like itchy. And again, I have like off and on. And I have dryer skin. I've had the bouts of eczema here and there and like some dermatitis mostly in my hands. I haven't had for years. So I had just got a physical recently. And I was like, I've been doing a lot of my own research. Yeah. You know, I'm like sort of a doctor sometimes. I have diagnosed up before doctors even have. And then they're like, oh, you're right. And one of the things can be hemorrhoids, which I hate that word. They need rebranded. I know. So I was like, I obviously hope that's not it. Which I thought only men got hemorrhoids, but I guess women do too.

No, no. It's really prevalent. It's like, the really high percentage of people have them. And they're like, so I was like, I hope it's not that. I don't think it's that, you know. So I'm like, but it's just, it's just here and there. And it's like kind of bother me. So I went and got a physical. And I told her and she was like, well, do you want me to get back there and see? I was like, yeah. And she was like, do you want a pap while you're at it? I'm like, yeah. Like, I'd never gotten like an annual physical. I go get my. annual gynecology exam. I've been behind the curve. I know I'm getting... It sounds fun. So she just did it all. But anyway, so she's down there. She's doing my PAP. She's

doing like, like my gyno exam. And this is TMI. She's like, I don't think it's anything protruding. You know, to be safe, I'm going to prescribe you some cortisone cream, like prescription strength cortisone cream, whatever. So I'm like, sounds great. She's like, I think this will, whatever you got going on, this will clear it up. This will be great. You know, who's to say, but I don't think you have hemorrhoids. And so I go to pick it up like a few days later. And we were leaving for New York that day. We had an interview. I was like rushing around all morning and I just ran over to the CVS. I was like kind of on a tight schedule. So I go to pick it up and the cashier at the pickup window, he was just like, here's your medication. Your insurance doesn't cover it. It'll be 79.99.

And I'm like, what? Do you have my insurance on file? He was like, your insurance doesn't cover it. I was like, can you see if you guys tried to run it? And he was like, couldn't tell you. And I'm like, this is crazy. I worked in a drugstore in the 90s. I know you can see if my insurance is there. Like, whatever. So I was like, well, can I find out? He's like, you have to go over to the drop-off window. And I'm sitting there like, there's people in line there.

I'm on a tight schedule. Like, should I just pay this? But in my head, I'm like, there's no way. I'd just pay it. You know, me. I would just walk out the door. But I'm like, I know our insurance. I know this should be like $5 copay.

Like they probably just don't have, whatever. So I'm doing the mental gymnastics of do I go over there? Am I going to be late? All this stuff. This just guy is like, hello, ma'am. And I was like, okay, so it's not taking my insurance. It's $80 for cortisone cream. He looked to me dead in the face.

He goes, rectal cortisone cream. Rectal cortisone cream, ma'am. He owned me. He took a shit on you. I was like, I was like, I was like, I'm about to embarrass his bitch name Ashley. So bad. I had nowhere to go. I couldn't believe it.

Just owned. I was like, I'll head over to. the drop off. And of course I go over there and I'm recovering. I was like, he did not have to do that. I know. He really went so hard on you. He did not have to do that.

So I go over, of course they had an input of my insurance. It was $5. And so I go back over and they re-ran in. I was like, guess you guys did take my insurance. Hi, it's me, rectal girl. And he was like, don't try to. He was like, I already won this round. Because I try to be like, I guess you do take my insurance.

Because he would be such a dick to me the whole time. I feel like pharmacist. practice that voice. I feel like he was locked and loaded. I don't think he gets a lot of opportunities to say rectal cortisone cream. I think he was like, now's the moment. I cannot believe I get to say it to this girl. Yes.

Like there was someone behind me. I was like, could not believe it. I don't know. And I was like, you have been so rude up until this point. Like I'm trying to be nice. I'm trying to figure out what's going on here.

I feel like you should be able to see this information on your little screen. And he just had to double down and been like, go fuck yourself and your asshole. And your itchy asshole. I feel like that's pharmacist's voice. Rectal. This rectal girl and renal. Rinal.

So anyway, I've been using it and I just, I used it for like a couple times and I'm already like feeling great. Oh. No, it's to speak. I actually didn't ask you the follow up about how your butthole's been doing.

It's been doing great. Yeah. The whole crack feels nice. Not enough laser done, but it's going to get more lasered. I mean, I'm not. I'm not talking about this. I'm not talking about this.

That'll be next week's installment of Ashley's butthole. I don't feel like they've laser in the back. And I'm going to write an email. I just, I don't think they mean. I'm not talking. Ashley said to me.

Right now. I'm not talking about this right now. We should talk about her right now. Just for a second. Ashley and I go to this laser place. We love them. They're great. They've done a great job.

Well, we'll see. But Ashley looked at me with like dead seriousness and she's just like, I'm done with my like laser, but I don't think they've paid attention enough to my buck crack. She was like dead serious. She was like, I'm going to write. write them an email. And I'm going to tell them the next time I go in for my leg laser, I would like them to also give a little attention to my butt crack. And I was like, Ashley,

if I don't get seen it on that email. Here's the thing. Again, I just want to let them know, like this doesn't feel like the job is done. Like, I'm super pleased with the front. But the last time she went back there, she just did like, like, she didn't. Yeah. And the last two times. So I'm just like, we got to finish the job here. Like, I paid for this. I have my my sessions. We're already down there. It's not like they're like firing on a whole new machine up. Again, I wasn't going to write some scathing email, but I just kind of wanted to be like,

hey, I feel like I'm a little dissatisfied with this experience and this is why. And I'm recommending you guys to everybody. And I have friends going there right now as we speak. You know, like I just want to be like, is there a way to kind of fix this? Because I do feel like they haven't really done it. I told you some days I feel like they really focus on the butt crack more than the other. My last girl really lasered like just all over the butt crack and the hole. And like your tape.

And my tape. She really got in there. and other people just like zooz-z-z-z-it they're out. Right. They just don't want to be back there. I know the attention that's supposed to be paid because you do it on the front. So if some people are shy about the butthole, like, I don't know. That's not my problem.

No, I just, you know I love an Ashley email because that one time you wrote the email about how the waxer touched your clit too much. I didn't send that one. I didn't send that one. That was just for me. I had a very invasive waxen experience and she was so much on my clit and it was invasive. I've been getting that done for 10 years. It never was like that.

I felt like violated and I called you on the way home. I was like, I just feel really uncomfortable about what just happened. And Raina was like, what's the subject line about email going to say? She touched my clit. No, I just, I'm not trying to like light this place up. I just am like the past couple times, it's certainly felt like the procedure wasn't done like it was the four times before that. I know. You know what I mean?

And I'm just like, I think you go, you get laser so you don't have to handle hair down there. I think that it's perfectly reasonable to say, they're already on your legs. Can they hit my bottle one more time? I can't let me talk about it. And can this waxing salon not touch my clit as much? Well, no more waxing salons because I got laser. That's right. It was just that once.

And I don't know if she was new, but I was like, you were not supposed to finger me. I should not be getting fingered right now. This is crazy. No one ever tried to figure me the three waxes I've ever. gone in my whole life. I think I have like a prominent clit. Like you could, it's there. Some people have different size clits.

Right. They're not supposed to be in your clit like that. I mean, maybe some people learn a different style. Yeah. I didn't like it. I felt really uncomfortable. I mean, how many waxes have I gotten? Like, I mean, over a hundred.

Yeah. And most of them been great. But that one time I was like, is she horny or what? Like, what does she do it? I mean, everybody's different techniques. Sometimes I get massages and I'm like, you're just waiting for the okay aren't you and i would let them you're projecting because you want it sometimes i'm going through a little dry spell and i would like it just this one time in italy

with this girl anyways oh okay let's think some of our partners we're gonna get kicked off into media oh my god this was a mistake actually you guys okay i am so excited to tell you guys about helix oh my gosh we were in new york how many weeks can we talk about one week in new york the place we used to live. But I just really did not love the bed in the hotel room. Like, it's fine. It was okay. It just wasn't, you know, my personal mattress style. It just wasn't really soft enough. And I just really had like six nights of not great sleep. And I, ever since I got back to L.A., I have been sleeping so well, obviously, because of my Helix mattress. We could not live without them. And I have the Midnight Lucks. And I also have the Moonlight Lucks in my guest bedroom. Those are the

ones I feel like we have mostly as a family, the midnight, the dusk, and the moonlight. Your mom, Tessa. Yeah, we're getting my mom one. Tessa's got one. But you guys are just going to take the quiz and see which one they recommend for you. They're going to help you find your perfect mattress. And you'll just talk about the way you sleep. You sleep on your side, your back, your stomach, or if you roll around a lot, if you like a soft, medium or firm mattress. And they have the award-winning lux collection. Mine are all luxe collection. And then the ultra-premium elite collection, even more lux. And then their regular mattresses are amazing as well. I actually do. I have that twin mattress that's just the regular midnight. And I love it. Like every mattress I've ever had, slept on, I love. There's the Helix Plus, which is a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers. My brother has that one. And then Helix kids mattresses. We're going to have to get that for all of our nephews designed for growing bodies and

endorsed by child sleep experts. So, you know, everybody's unique. Everyone sleeps differently. That's why they have all these different options. But there's not too many. It's not overwhelming. I think it's easy to find your perfect match. And then it's just going to be delivered straight to your door.

There is a 10 or 15 year warranty, depending on the model. They have won so many different awards, including the unofficial awards from Girls Got to Eat, but it is the official mattress of our family over here at GGE. So we'd love if you guys get on. It'll really change the way that you sleep and what could be better than just getting more sleep and getting better sleep and always feeling so comfortable in your bed. Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helix sleep.com slash gge. That's helixleep.com slash gge. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long with Helix Better Sleep.

starts now. Okay. Okay, I've told you this and that happened. Okay. It's not like such a big deal. It was really out of the left field for me. Okay. So I was masturbating yesterday morning. I was using, Ashley and I have a company called vibes only with the line of premium sex toy products. And my favorite toy in the whole line is called the Debbie. It is a small kind of like donut shaped air pulse vibrator. The hole is big. It really sucks your clit up. I'm obsessed. Vacuum packs your clip. Vacms it up. Call the Debbie. I'm obsessed. So I was using yesterday morning. I haven't really been watching porn a lot lately. I've been really just like, I've been really getting it in lately. So I've been

using a lot of spank bank memories. And so I was trying to masturbate to this guy who's, I've been talking to it. He's very hot, but he doesn't ask me any questions, but he's hot. Just very hot. So I'm trying to masturbate to him. Trying. I'm glad you're trying. I did try. And I was

trying to get there and I just like couldn't. I was like, okay, let me switch fantasies. Let me think about something else. And the weirdest thing popped into my head. Oh my God. From this phone call I'd had with this other guy the night before and I was talking to him. That's not what this is about. Him and I were talking and he had told me like one thing about his day.

And then he was like, enough about me. Tell me all about your day. Like everything you did. Like what's been going on? Tell me like your whole day. And I was like, I just imagined a guy behind me fucking me being like, I want to hear everything about your day. Enough about me.

I'm not important. Tell me everything about your day. I felt so turned on by this. Some guy behind me fucking me. being like, tell me about girls at work we're a bitch today. Oh my God. And me just being like, tell me all the gossip. Yeah. And just talking about like, how good I am I job. Tell me about Ashley's butthole.

Tell me about your new email address. Yeah, he's hitting it from behind. He's like, your buttle isn't as itchy as Ashley's, is it? Everything about you is so interesting. I just want to hear every single moat. Tell me everything you ate yesterday. It just like weirdly really turned me on to just have somebody so interested in every moment of my day and also be like, my day wasn't important and I just loved it. So do you feel like... Also, he's hot too, so...

But that's something that you do like, right? You just are like, you're not really getting it from this one particular person you're trying to masturbate too currently. Yeah, so I actually was talking to Tessa, not about me masturbating today, but I was talking to her about how like, really my love language is like just unpacking my day with somebody and feeling like I can like really share all this like granular, random stuff. If you and I are like pitching a guest, like I like to talk about like how we pitch the

and what topics we come up with. Like, I really, really like to talk about the granularity of my day. I think you and I, our lives are interesting and fun. Are you in the dumb shit? What about an air one for dinner? Like, I just like somebody that's just like, I gotta know everything. Yeah. What walk did you take and how long did you walk for?

Yeah. That is my love language. Somebody just really unpacking my day with me. I love it. And I hope to have a partner on the other side of that that I cannot wait to hear what they have going on too. Like, it wouldn't last very long for me to be the only subject of this. Yeah.

I love it. I want somebody to be so interested. Yeah, you want to know. And you're not just this person who wants to talk about yourself and not reciprocate. I want the counterpart to be somebody that I really like sharing that stuff with because I like their input. I like their insights. I want them to be like,

well, what if you did it this way or what if you know, you tried this thing? And I wanted to be somebody who's information and input I want. I just turned me on. I love that. I do have that in my relationship that I haven't really probably had before quite like this. Like if I don't tell my boyfriend what I ate for a meal, he's like, are you out at me? Yeah. He's like, would you for breakfast? Would you for lunch? Would you for dinner? Would you guys record today? Like, tell me everything. But I mean, I don't know that that's for everybody.

You and I really like to talk and we really like to communicate. Like, I'm sure there are people on the other side. Like, I don't want to tell you that. Like, I'm, you know, but I, yeah, I really like it too. I'm just, I like the granular details. I like, I'm a talker and like I want somebody that, like, they have a bunch to say too. Like, I want to hear like what you cooked today also. Yeah. And I think you're right. I think not everybody wants to like share so much. It's how you get to know somebody. You know,

you know everything from their co-workers quirks, you know, where you can talk about those things to like how they like to make their dinner at night. And I don't know. I find it to be intimacy and closeness when all those like quote unquote boring details you like know so well about the other person and you want to be like, tell me what you had for lunch. And that's how you know that else you're attracted to somebody like if it was somebody that just felt like a leech.

It's like a parisocial relationship where they didn't know everything about. you and it's just all about you and I don't think that would be enjoyable it's because it's reciprocal that you like it I feel like you have an ex that does that and you don't like it well he's my ex it's not reciprocal I don't care about it's not reserved yeah exactly he still wants to mine all that information from you but you don't want it back that's probably a good test of how you know if you love somebody yes and I am like this with everybody in my life like I was thinking about the dear media deal and this was the long time in the works and I talked to my dad like every day about it and what we were doing with our agents and the deal points and like I was sharing anything that was

under NDA. But, you know, I like to talk to people about, like, really granular things in my life. And all of my really good friends, I know all about their coworkers and their niche drama. And you and I just like to talk and share for a living. I mean, it really does become when you know someone in and out, whether it's your romantic partner or your best friend, like me and you, like, if you, like, I walked in earlier and you took a bunch of clothes, I was like, oh, an Abercrombie hall. I didn't know about this. You walk in the room with a new pair of pants or something. I'm like, do I know what these? Yes. And it's weird because I'm like, she doesn't have to tell.

me when she buys new pants, but I feel weirdly out of the loop. But what did I go now? I was not. I was not. Oh, this dresser I was buying. I was like, so I'm thinking of doing this dresser and da-da-da. And I was just like, I'm looking for dupes. And then I think I'm going to change the knobs.

I was like, so here, I'm going to send you the link. And it's this dresser. I'm buying it from Wayfair. But then I just don't like the look of it. And I want to class it up a little to have it look more like expensive and high end. So I think I'm going to buy these gold knobs for Amazon. I'm just like rambling. I'm like, this is real best friendship.

And you're like, thank you. And you were like, thank you so much. Because I feel like if you would have come over and seen that dresser and the knobs, you would have been like, are you mad at me? But you tried and I know this. Without discussing you with me. And it's like, there's no reason to tell somebody you bought a dresser. It's your house.

But like, I can't imagine a world in which that would happen. This morning you came over and it was like noon. You were like, so I had this conversation last night. And I was like, you've been gatekeeping this for me all day. I know. We've been awake since eight. Right. But then, again, it's like whatever works for you in your relationship, your friendships,

your family, whatever. But it's like, sometimes we're around. that don't know something about each other and we are shocked. I'm so shocked. I mean, married couples. And like one partner says like, oh, I didn't know that about so and so. And we're like, what? No one's ever going to say about me.

She's so mysterious. Like, no. So true. Same. Like, I know that like a lot of women are striving for that. I know they're just like, I just want to seem like aloof and mysterious. Like no one's ever going to think that about me. It'll never even cross my mind.

for one second to attempt to seem mysterious. That's not what I'm like. If I feel something, if I do something, I express it. That's it. I have to remind myself when I am with couples. Seriously, like my friend may not have shared that with their partner. Or my friend may not have told their partner they shared that with me. And it can be like some pretty dumb shit.

But I still am like always reminding myself like, don't share with the partner that you know this thing. Or that they shared it. Because like I just don't think that people share as much. as I do. Yeah. And I'd be curious if people who would share everything with their best girlfriend, but not as much with their partner. Like to me, it's just like a lot, everybody knows everything. Yeah, no mystery over here. What's the opposite of mysterious? Just. Raina and Ashley. Rinal Greenberg. Ashley, I was having a hard time not laughing during your rectal cream story about Raynal. Yeah. Similar energy. I really have to like remind myself, even when I'm with Sparkle eyes,

I'm like, I can't tell him that Ashley and I talk about everything. He knows. He does. Now we're in a Yeah, someone said to me once, it was a guy friend of ours, and it was just him telling me something that was private. You know, it was like a secret. It was just he and I on the phone. He goes, this days between me, you and Raina. And I thought it was so funny. Like, he just knew. People know. Yeah. But we can keep a secret. We both said recently, we kept something that we really, like, someone told me something. It was like, please don't tell Raina. And it's not about not trusting her. It's just like, this is really a serious secret. And one person tells one person. And then you know how it is. And I was like, don't do it, Ashley. And I was like, don't do it, Ashley. And I

I really did it. You kept it from you? Yeah. One total, ever. Because the friend that told me really specified, and I was like, I don't want to betray her. It wasn't that big a deal. It had nothing to do with you. If it's going to affect somebody's life in any way, I won't share it.

It's like, it was one of those things like, you know what? I get what she's saying. Like, things, word travels fast. You didn't even care as much as I cared. It was like something. And then I feel like recently you kept a good secret, didn't you? I've been good secrets. I've worked on this my whole life that I feel like I'm somebody that used to like share,

overshare and like somebody would tell me something I just blurt it out later so like I've worked on it I'm a good secret keeper oh for sure I really do respect when people trust me I just think it's like if you didn't specifically say don't tell Raina she probably know we're the same person we all that one person we tell everything you yeah share a brain we share a bank account like you guys know it's coming to both of us okay so then you wanted to crowdsource yeah I was like I wonder if this like lands of people like if they've been like shocked by something that like turned them on like unexpected sort of dirty talk not dirty talk so we crowdsourced it and we got a mixed bag some of it actually is dirty talk but i think people were like this surprised me that i liked it yeah we asked for like

untraditional dirty talk lines that unexpectedly turned you on yeah i mean the whole feed was filled with i want to impregnate you i'm going to put a baby inside of you no read the first one though because there's a really funny i want to impregnate you no oh those are just a series of things people said. Yeah. Okay, I thought this was all one response. So I would like to read it as such. I want to impregnant you.

I'm going to put a baby in you. I'm going to get you so pregnant. Have my babies. I can't wait to put our kids through college. That took a turn. Not college. If someone, for some reason I think of most of these things in doggy style, because like you could not say that straight to someone's face.

I can't wait to put our kids through college. That is so funny. You get in a fight. You're like, well, what if our kids doesn't want to go to college? What if they want to do something different? That is so funny. You're like in a socioeconomic discussion. You're like in this economy?

Someone says that and you're like, in this economy? People don't need crippling debt to start their lives, you know? Tons and tons of I want to get you pregnant. It's the number one thing we got. I think that's pretty common that guys have like a pregnancy fetish. Once they get you pregnant, though, they're like, that's your problem. That's not my problem. You're paying for college.

Yeah. So I thought of mine. Okay. We used to say, like all I want to hear is compliments. Like Raina does like a little more degradation and I like more compliments. Like you're so pretty or so hot. you're so wet, you're so funny. And the compliment I would want these days is like your hair is so thick.

Because I've been trying to grow back my hair. But I also feel like I would know that's not true. Like it's when you tell a guy with a shmedium dick, you have such a huge giant dick. He's like, no, I don't. So I was thinking that one thing I think would really turn me on was let's say it's raining. We're having like some lazy, rainy day, rainy night sex. And he says, I walked a zool. I'm coming.

Wait, I already did the chores. Yeah, I did the chores. And then probably just like, let's get pizza after this. Because I like when we're going to keep it going. You know, I'm big. I'm like, I don't want the night to end. They're staying after you. Yeah, they're going to stay and call me.

No, I love that, by the way. Someone's fucking you and they're like, what do you want to order for dinner? Oh, yes. I went ahead and ordered us the whipped go cheese dip. I love the idea that somebody is fucking you and they're just like, I ordered dinner for us. That's so hot. Dinner's in the oven. Yes.

We got a lot of stuff of like names that on, Expectedly turned you on mommy, Sugar Mama, Good Girl, Bad Girl, Little Slut, Dirty Bitch. Okay. Dirty bitch would really throw me for a loop. I love this one. If you're going to act like a brat, I'm going to fuck you like one. How do you fuck a brat? Just spanking.

It's choking or covering the mouth, I think. Oh, okay, covering the mouth. I want my entire body inside of you. I'm going to wear you like a hat. That's so funny on top. Like, maybe wear you like a face mask, but what are you going to put? I put my pussy on top of your head. That's true.

True. A backwards hat. I'm going to wear you like a backwards hat. You're like, what? Babe, I don't get it. What if you went, I don't get it? You made them explain their dirty talk. Yeah. A lot of stuff about smells. You smell safe. Oh, okay. I know you had a long day. Can I bring you dinner? That's so cute. But that's not really. Oh, I guess that's not in the moment. I'll cook you breakfast after you come. Yeah. I love that. It just really encourages me to come, though, because I really like breakfast. I wash the sheets. Oh, that's a good one. My boyfriend asked me to tell him how I'm going to spend all his money. like he's like tell me how you're going to spend my money i love that plot twist he's broke you're like

this isn't working for me okay you don't really turn me on and i've done this before in the reverse so i'll show you what i did to her i can't imagine me liking that personally if they cheated i'm kidding i mean actually nicky glazer has said that on our show years ago that she used to like she was in a relationship with somebody she used to like want him to talk about fucking other girls while they're having sex what i have done a couple times it was like a huge turn on is i So I had this boyfriend that liked when I was fucking him for me to talk to him about me fucking other girls and like what I did to them. Yeah. And that seems they really turned me on too.

I understand that. Yeah. I love these. My man speaks Russian to me. No idea what he's saying. But I love it. He might not even be speaking Russian. He might not be saying anything.

I'm really into like the food ones because like we talked about. I forget if this was on our show or another podcast of like do you prefer morning sex or night sex? And like me and my boyfriend like rarely miss an afternoon like a before dinner. I don't know what it is. I think last time we were New York, I don't even know if we had sex at night. One night we were so exhausted. We were like mornings and afternoons.

Like pre-dinner is my fave. I'm not a big night person. So I like nice when you've been out drinking. When you're drunk. Yeah. Like we've done the dirtiest stuff. We've said the craziest stuff. Like, you know,

we get into that in the daylight. But I think the crazier stuff we've done that we like recap later was at night after drinks, like a lot in like Dewey Beach. Like we've done some crazy stuff. But also, like, those weren't the best orgasms. You know, you're drunk. But it's, like, totally different type of sex. Like, morning sex, afternoon sex, and nighttime sex are so different.

Every one of those animals is completely different. I mean, if I'm ranking them, I like morning, then afternoon, then night. And I'm really not having sex at night a lot unless I'm fucked up. Mm-hmm. I mean, I'll do it if you want to. I'm like, I'm tired. It's a long day. It just depends on the day.

I mean, like we were saying a full day in New York, you've walked 18,000 steps. You know, we had a three-hour, happy hour. Then he and I went to dinner. I mean, we got home, we just, like, passed out. 18,000 steps, 20,000 calories. Yeah, I'm not having sex. No energy. But there's been some nights in Dewey where it's just like, it's on.

Let's get popping. Yeah. That's so funny. And other places, too. After New Year's... They only have sex at night in Dewey. They're very specific. New Year's was such a blur.

Like, I woke up, my, like, sequentop was just, like, hanging on the lamp or whatever. I was like, what happened? That is so funny, because I tried to get you to stay over on New Year's. Rob was in town, our friend with his wife, and then you would sparklyzed. And I was like, we should all sleep over my house. And you're like, we're going to go home. Yeah, we're going to really start the new year with a bag.

I wonder if Rob and Allison had sex in my house. I wonder if anybody's had sex in my house. It isn't me. I mean, you encourage it, right? No. Oh. I encourage people. Why would I want that?

Wait, if Tessa is going to stay here, have you asked her about this yet? I asked her this morning if she wanted to stay here while I'm away and you're up. Could she have sex? Hello. It's even that bad? It's not my problem. I mean, you could ask all the people that have been here, Hot Neighbor and Jeremy, Rob, but Francis.

So let me ask you this. This is something I have not yet run into with my partner. So this will have passed the weekend that we spent together in Delaware. So we are staying one night at my parents before we go down to the beach. So I don't know. Like in their house. We're going to stay in the frog. Frogger room, whatever you call.

Upstairs. Yeah. I don't know. I know. I can go a night without having sex clearly, but like we're long distance. It sucks. Go to the farmhouse. No sex.

my cousins are staying there. I don't know what to do. Because we have, you know, Friday night, Saturday night, and then he's going to go back Sunday night. So it's like, we know that much time. I'll be honest. My ex and I were long distance. We had so much sex in families members of houses while they were home. Like his sister was home with her three kids and her husband.

And we had so much sex in that house. And we can be quiet. But I just don't even know if I feel comfortable. And we'll just have to see. And he might not, you know, I've had partners that have been like, we're not doing that. I had sex on my dad's house with him. Your dad was there?

That apartment? It's a condo, Ashley. Rain is giving big divorce dad energy. He lives in like a one-bedroom apartment. He has all blue sheets and brown comfort. He has a so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. You would sex in that apartment condo.

Yeah. He was there? I can't remember if he was there. I don't know if I checked. We did it a couple times. One of the times he definitely wasn't there. One of the times he might have been. there.

Yeah, I mean, I'll keep you posted. We'll see how it works out. I know my mom's going to listen to this episode and be like, so honey, did you guys? You're not trying to listen to her. She's a freak. Your mom listens to me a phone sax. I just, I feel like, yeah, I don't feel comfortable fucking in my mom's puzzle room. Like, you know, I'm going to be like trying to get down to it.

And I look over there with my mom's puzzle. I'm like, I can't do this. You guys are just so tall. You have so many limbs. Like, you're just like, you know, you spread out when you have sex. I'm just. Well, it's funny because Matt and his wife stay up there all the time, less now that they have two kids. They're not spending the night of my parents much more anymore. But, like, I would

never ask him if he had sex up there. I feel like you'd ask your brother. Would you? If you were like, hey, Arlen, I'm going to mom and dad. Have you had sex in this room before? He was fucked upstairs. Ew, but now I'm like, ooh, of Matt's... No, I can't. Yeah, because I think my sister-in-law would think it was funny. Like, I don't... I think you got to get a hotel. Maybe we'll go down, like, in the woods. Can you imagine? Yes, you fuck in the woods. That's cute. You know, I'd get mosquito bites all over my butt, and I have to go back to the doctor. Okay. My brother keeps talking to me with my sister-in-law's boobs and how big they are.

I bet they're the same thing. Monsters. Yeah, they are monsters. She is hella pregnant. Okay. Also, we left out one of the lines that I really liked a lot. You're hotter than your sister. That's pretty strong.

It's really funny because I feel like all girls grow up with like issues, brother-sisters like that. We don't have sisters, so it would just be like, you're hotter than race or you're hotter than Ashley. It's like, don't say her name to me. We're just so different. Like, you can't compare us. Yeah.

Okay. So we are going to get into our topic, but just going to talk about our remaining partners. Okay, I am telling you guys about game time. So I actually was just looking at game time because I was looking at tickets for the Celtics game. I'm going to be in Boston during one of the games of the finals. I was just actually on their site. And of course, they have an app too. So if you love going to concerts or other events like we do. I mean, we've been to like so many concerts. We have concerts coming up and sporting events and everything. Game time makes getting tickets for these type of events faster and easier even if you don't buy tickets right away. Prices on the game time app actually go down.

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That's dailyharvest.com slash gge for $30 off your first box and free shipping, dailyharvest.com slash g-e. Okay. Let's get into our topic. So we came across this article and wanted to unpack it and part of it is about just assumptions and how they can really sabotage your relationship or even getting into a relationship with somebody and assumptions that we make about other people. and what they assume that we are going through

and how you can kind of just have some like better self-talk in terms of like what are people looking for? What are they thinking? What am I putting out into the world? Yeah. I'm bringing into this experience. Yeah, we were inspired by this Tinder study, which we pulled the article from Cosmo,

but the Tinder study is called their Green Flag Study. They published it in May. So just last month and they interviewed 8,018 to 34-year-old heterosexual men and women across the U.S. UK, Australia, and Canada. Those are most of all of our listeners are. And the TLDR is that both men and women want similar things when it comes to dating and relationships. They just assume the opposite sex wants the opposite. So Tinder called this the assumptions epidemic where everyone's true intentions and desires are painfully unclear and it's making it harder for people to date.

And I think assumptions is a fine word to use here. I also think just misconceptions. Like one thing that they cited was that 53% of men surveyed said they want a romantic relationship, but they think that only 49% of women want the same thing. The truth is that the percentage is actually 68. That means that majority of singles, both men and women alike, want something serious, which is huge,

considering also that 65% of women said they think men are only looking for casual sex or a short-term relationship. And then it says, in parentheses, only 29% actually are. That was a lot of numbers to rattle off. Basically, we just are thinking the opposite sex doesn't want what we want.

And actually, it's not what the data shows. Yeah, and we're operating from these, assumptions. Listen, you have to make quick assumptions all day, every day in order to make decisions. And we're all pulling in so much context and our history to make those decisions. And I think that you have to make hundreds of decisions a day and you're just like doing it quickly. But yeah, I think that like women for our part in it, not all women, but I'll fine, I'll just speak about me. Like I don't want to seem too much or too needy or like I'm asking for too much. So you can act like you don't want as much. But what men read from that or the person you're on a date with is that, that maybe they want something casual. Maybe she doesn't want that much for me. Maybe she doesn't want to get so serious, you know? And it's hard to kind of find the middle ground of expressing what you want, but not seeming,

I think, quote unquote, too much or like you're coming on too strong because I think the narratives that all men do just want to have sex. They want the cool girl. They want the girl. It's not going to ask too much of a relationship from them. And it's constantly being like, well, at what point do I get to stop acting kind of cool and just be sort of honest about what I want? Yeah. And I think that anytime I did ask for what I wanted, I never, like, regretted it because how long are you're going to hide who you are?

Yeah. Or just asking questions in general and like getting curious. I think that's going to be a theme throughout our discussion today. I mean, I really had to work on this, like throughout my life. I think that when I was younger and a lot of people probably operate like this, whether they realize it or not, like, you just think everyone is like you. You just think everyone is going to make the decisions that you would make. act like you would act. And I mean, this is something that my really good friend, Kelly, who we've had on the show a couple times, and she's done my terror readings and all that kind of stuff and just honestly predicted a lot of my life. She just had to help me with my ex so many years ago, kind of reframe, like, because I'm like, why is he doing this or saying this? He's not this.

He's not that. And she was like, everybody is coming from a different place of life and how they interact with the world. And she helped me reframe that early on. And it's something that I'm still learning. Like everyone is different. Upbringings and traumas and life experience. and insecurities and boundaries and we're all wired differently and shape differently

in the way we respond to different things and different threats and triggers and compliments. We're just not going to act and respond the same way. And it's like, duh, but you get tripped up because most people are, you know, scared of being hurt and some people are really scared to be vulnerable and open themselves up to rejection. So like the first sign of like a threat or the possibility of a rejection, you just kind of like shut down. So that could be that like this person isn't acting or saying or showing me the thing that I thought they were going to, that I have decided in my head shows that they like me or care about me or want to commit to me. I just think we all can relate to this misreading a situation because

it's not how we would act or how we thought our perfect partner would act. Yeah, every assumption just comes from like your own past, your own trauma, your own insecurity and your own view of if this was happening, this is how I would react to it. So this person must be reacting to it. because of the same thing. And I have to remind myself a lot on first dates specifically, first or second dates, that, like, I'm hyper aware of people's body language, eye contact, tone of their voice. I'm hyper aware of, are they asking me questions? I'm aware of those things because I interview other people for a living.

And I'm aware that somebody's not making eye contact with me because I really try very hard to make eye contact because I want to show somebody that I'm interested in them. And I want my body to be open to them. So I don't want to sit there with my arms crossed. I want to smile when somebody else is talking to show that I'm not. I'm interested in what they have to say. I want to ask good follow-up questions. I want to circle back to what they're saying. I want to show interest in their lives. But again, I've trained for this. And I assume when other people aren't doing those things, that they are

rude, they're disinterested, they're not attracted to me. They don't fucking care about what I have to say or about my life. Somebody's not asking questions of me. Like, I generally would never go out with them again. But I do have to remember, like, not everybody is me. And if they're not asking me questions, that just might mean like they're a little shy, they're a little uncomfortable. This girl is so much to say and she's asking me so many questions. Maybe she's having the time of her life asking me questions. And there is a balance to strike between like... Because there's also an epidemic of guys not asking questions. There is. We might dive into later. We just read an article about it. But yes. And I was talking to test about this too

because I was like, do you experience this? Like how many times are we really going to go out with somebody that you don't enjoy the way that they interact with you in the world? Not a lot. But especially when somebody's arms are crossed, it's so funny because I think about this guy that I went out with, like, years ago, who I love and I'm still really good friends with to this day. But the first time we went out, he was standing there in this bar with his arms crossed over his chest. And I was like, this guy is not giving, like, I want her to touch me or come anywhere near me. He said to me, like, weeks later, after we had, like, been fine, he was like, I was so nervous to be around you. Like, I just wanted you to, like, like, like me so much.

I really liked you. And I was so uncomfortable in, like, a first date situation. And, like, all I read from that situation is this guy has no interest in me. Right. So I have to remember, I myself feel like not everybody is me. Right. Some people are doing things that are just defense mechanisms or self-preservation and different things like that. But I think it is really hard to not make assumptions if you've really been out here dating, experiencing the same shit over and over again.

Like it's hard to have like red flag after red flag after red flag and think that like the next date that person isn't going to exhibit those. But like it's hard to go into it that way. I mean, that's what we talked about with our episode with Kara. It's so easy to make these assumptions that the real work is in trying to like undo them and give everybody a fair shot and be curious about why someone might act a certain way or not act a certain way.

Yeah, I was thinking about this, like the walking to a date with a bad attitude. I was watching this clip from somebody named Demona Hoffman. She's on the Drew Barrymore show. We're going to have her on this show soon, hopefully. And she's talking about how like people say the dating apps are on the decline.

And she said there actually aren't. Studies actually support that just as many people are on them, but we're going into dates with this filter of like, it's bad. Everything's so bad. And it's impossible to like date and enjoy something when you're already like, this person's going to let me down. This is going to suck. I fucking hate that I'm here. And when you go into a date, it's really hard. It takes a lot of self-talk and self-worth, but you have to drop that like everything else sucked. And I assume this is going to suck too. Because you can bring a really bad

attitude into it. I'm guilty of it. Yeah. I mean, a lot of this stuff on this study that Tinder did was about the assumptions before you even get to the date. But I think about this a lot in early stages of a relationship or even in late stages of relationship. Like this is something I constantly have to work on. I think I've gotten to a really good place. But with my current partner, when I first met him and was first messaging with him, I just thought he was kind of a dick. Like I wasn't thinking I was going to pursue a relationship with him, but I was just like thinking, like, I don't know. He just seems like kind of an asshole. Like he would just neg me. Like if I were to get into anything with him, like that would kind of be the vibe. I just add an assumption of him that was

completely wrong. And then 2023 came around and I was horny enough to put that aside. So I can't recommend being horny enough to really just not make assumptions at all. And I can't believe how wrong I was about him. And you brought up this situation to me that is another just example I wanted to illustrate. This was really early on in our relationship. And I asked him if I could talk about this, by the way. He and I spent that first night together in Boston. And then we were talking every day after that, really getting to know each other. Like I was really feeling a bond with him. But the next time we were talking about meeting up was going to be like three weeks later for a New York weekend. And I mentioned it very casually in Boston. He was like, when am I going to see you again? And I was like, well,

we're being in New York in a few weeks for Raina's birthday. And I think I just said that. I mean, again, it was just like a hungover morning. I don't remember my exact language. And then the New York trip started to come up. And I was like, so do you think you're going to want to come to New York? And meanwhile, I still look back. Like, I wasn't willing to be so vulnerable. I was still protecting myself. I was trying to be casual about it. I wasn't like, I'd love to see you or you come into New York, you know, even though we're talking every day, we're sharing music, we're really viving. I still was a part of me that was like, I think this guy's really into me, but how do I know for sure? I don't think he's like in love with me. And so I was just probably being too casual

about the New York thing. And he said, he asked like, he was like, yeah, I think I'll come, like, could I come with my friend? And I was like, skirt. What? What do you, what? I was wrecked my car. You and I unpacked this for so many hours. We unpacked it. And I was like, I don't know. Have I misread this whole thing? Because, yes, we've only spent one night together. We've been talking every day. I think we really like each other.

Like the conversations we're having. Like, he wants to come like with his friend. And at first I thought his friend, like, lived in New York. Remember? I was like, oh, he means can he come to Rain his birthday party? And I go, oh, is he local to New York? I just sent it to you. Like, now I'm just really pulling back the curtain.

But I was like, what should I say? You're like, ask if he, like, lives in New York. Like, just play dumb. I mean, that is what we kind of thought. Yeah. Like, I was like, maybe there's a chance. but I have a feeling this is like his friend from home. So I was like, what is he live in New York?

And he was like, no, no, he lives here. We had just been talking about going to New York this summer, which they had been. Yeah. So I was like, what in the world? I was like, and there was a part of you again that you're like, oh, no, there's a threat of rejection. I'm going to close down and put my guards up and fuck this guy and he doesn't get it. And I thought he liked me so much more.

Like those thoughts are swirling. And I didn't know really quite how to respond. And I just like didn't for a while. I've been working on that too. like not responding right in the moment. I want to think about my response. And I was like, I just don't know if I've misread this. And I'm running the tape too of like, what did I really tell him about New York? Does he think this is a Vrana's birthday trip? Does he think this is a work trip? You know, maybe he's making assumptions too. And there was just some silence for me. And he

finally touched base again. It was like, hey, is everything cool? You know, and in the interim, I was like, I'm sure he's feeling like a little bit of distance, you know, and a off vibe for me. And he touched back. And then I did say something like, yeah, everything's cool. I just was a little caught off guard by the thing about your friend. And he immediately was like, I figured, you know, and we went back and forth and we figured it out. And again, he was just coming from a place of like, I had no idea you were trying to have a romantic weekend with me. Like, I think he was like, I did like you so much, but I didn't know if it was reciprocal. I thought you were just going to fly up to New York and be with Raina and be planning this party and do your podcasting and all this stuff.

Like I really was like, I don't want to just be a hanger on and be like alone while she's doing her thing. I'm going to let her do her thing. But in my head, I'm like, no, I wanted to, like, get to know you and spend the weekend with you. But did I misread this? Well, knowing him so well now, I'm like, he just didn't want to be presumptuous. Like, you and I were in your, we had all this press booked. We had this birthday party booked. You didn't really know him. Like, you'd met one time for that night. And yes, of course, you talked all the time. And I know you're really getting to know each other. But he was just like, I don't really know this girl. I don't know how I fit to her life. I don't know what she's going to feel like. She's lived in New York all these years.

she doesn't want me like hanging around necessarily. So he was just like, let me bring a friend. Right. Let me bring a friend. I don't want to be presumptuous that like I'm going to see her every single second that I'm there. So I'll just bring a buddy because like I don't want her to think I'm some weirdo that's like let's have a romantic weekend. Like he was doing self preservation as well and not trying to be presumptuous. And I think he thought he was being nice.

Yeah. And we've like all had situations where somebody else thinks that they're being nice and you read it as them rejecting you. So it was just that one thing early. on the way that he could detect that I was like a little put off and then explained to me his thinking and was like I'd obviously love to spend the weekend with you and just you. You know, and that's really the weekend that I feel like defined that this was going to be a relationship. Like I'm just glad I didn't let it get the best to me and neither did he because there's a

world and I think if I was younger and he was younger like this thing happens in your mid-20s. Like I might have just let it go. I might have been like, no, he doesn't like me. and he would have been like, she's just ignoring me now, you know, and like these two people who would have been good together would have just let their egos and their assumptions get the best of them. Yes. Or you would have been like, I guess, bring your friend.

And then you would have hung out with him one night when he was there and like had some drunk sex and that would have been it. Right. Yes, exactly. I would have been like, yeah. Like, yes, there's certainly a mindset too of someone that is maybe a little more people pleasing that would have been like, yeah, totally bring him. But I was like, I don't want that.

And so I'm not going to say it. It's scary to feel like you're going to get rejected by somebody. and being like I want more than you do. I think about all the times that we could have like fucked something up or that somebody down the road has told me this is how I interpreted what you did. And I've been like that is not, I think I'm a master communicator. I'm great at it. But like I think about this guy that I said something to him.

I thought I was just kind of letting him off the hook. I really liked him a lot. I really had feelings for him. I just, I thought he wasn't really over his ex. And I kind of was just like, I think you need to like kind of deal with this. and like maybe down the road we can talk again. And then he basically like agreed with me and that was it. And like months later we talked and I said like since you like kind of rejected me,

he was like rejected you. You told me not to talk to you. And I was like, I said to you, you don't really seem over this. And he was like, that really wasn't the case at all. I thought you told me don't talk to you. So I stopped talking to you. We just really misinterpreted each other. Listen, he turned out to be the worst to you guys.

I just think in different stages this gets easier. You know, I think we bring our own baggage. I have to be much more careful in the beginning before I have information about somebody. Once I'm in a relationship with you, I do think I have enough information to build a case against you. I'm not making a lot of assumptions. I know how you operate. I have more context about you. But before that, I am bringing my own baggage into it, my own insecurities, my own assumptions.

And you just assume someone is going to want to be treated the way that you want to be treated. Like my boyfriend asked me something recently about something going on and I got upset. and then he kind of changed the subject and I would have talked about it more, but he was like, I've upset her. I don't want to dig in more. Like he saw me getting emotional, but like we also were on FaceTime. Had this been in person, I think he would have given me a big hug and like comforted me. But I felt kind of dismissed in the moment.

But he was like I would have wanted to change a subject and not gotten so emotional in front of you. And of course, we're super vulnerable with each other and we share. But in that moment, he was just like he felt like he made a mistake by even asking. I'm not trying to gatekeep. you know, it's just like whatever. It's the family stuff, like whatever. And I did get upset, but I was like, of course, I'd want to talk to you about it. You're my partner.

I love you. And I want your insights and your comfort and things like that. And we just can't totally bypassed each other and talked about that too. When he was like, yeah, I again, handled the situation like I'd want it to be done. And that was wrong in that moment. And I think in serious relationships, we all just make assumptions that the other person knows what we need. Yes.

And especially because you're like, you've been here for a while. you should know how I need to be comforted and how I want you to respond in this. This is how I would respond to you in this moment. And I think we just all assume that everybody can like read our minds. I'm guilty of it too. And sometimes I change my mind of what I want. Like I can be a little avoidant when I'm upset.

I don't want to be talked to. Other times I want to beat the horse to death. And I have to give other people grace that they do not know what I need in that moment. And I have to tell them what I need. Like please don't talk to me for like 12 hours. And that doesn't mean I'm mad at you. I just need some space. Yeah, I have to get really hyper communicative about what I need.

But that goes really into us, always thinking it's about us. Not always. I think we have learned self-talk to be like, it might not be personal. But especially if you're in a relationship with somebody, whether it's new, old, if you feel their distance or their irritation or something, you just assume it's about you. And you could be so far off. Like, they could be having a bad day. She could be on her period. You know, you could be dealing with something at work.

Like sparklyzed one time really was he was really worried something was wrong and I just was so tired from moving. Like I just assumed he was like, she's like been moving all week. I mean, I'm hoofing up and down these stairs. I got these boxes like I felt so tired in my soul like my legs hurt. I felt so drained. I just thought everybody around me knew that I was drained and like I wasn't texting as much. I wasn't voice known as much. I was just really so exhausted.

I went so hard trying to get settled in that house that first week. And he really just felt a distance for me and was like, I just, I want to find out. is everything okay? And I'm like, I've been moving. He really thought some of them's wrong. I think everything's about me. We all do that. And sometimes it is. Like, I think you learn to read your partner and things like that. But that was just, you know, a blip on the radar with us. But like, we all do that. And sometimes forget that our partner or our friend or whatever, our family member has like a life outside of us with so much other shit going on. I assume everything's about me because the outcome is affecting me. So like, you're in a bad move. You're in a bad move.

I'm going to assume I put you in it. If you're not talking, I assume it's because I've done something that doesn't make you want to talk to me. And I do not have an anxious attachment style at all. But at least I'm just aware that like somebody around me is acting out of character. And I'm like, if I'm the closest person to you, I probably did that. She did that. Yeah. So I think it's just good to ask.

I think that that's really easy for me because I have like a pretty solid attachment style. But when you have an anxious attachment style, you just, you start like spiraling 10 steps down the road. like this is the beginning of the end. They hate me. They're not attracted to me anymore. They're annoyed by me. And I think that most of the time, most people are just going through their day,

having their own experience. Or some people lead with anger and they're like pissed. Like, why are you ignoring me today? You know, and that's why I want to keep going back to this, like asking questions, genuine curiosity. Like, is everything okay?

You seem a little off or something. Like asking with genuine kindness and love that you have for your partner. Again, maybe you don't love them that if it's like new. But instead of being like, they're ignoring me, one asshole, they didn't respond to this thing. Like, you just have no idea. Like, the only way to really find out is to, like, ask those questions and ask them with kindness instead of accusation. Yeah.

You always have to say to yourself, like, are these lies I'm telling myself? Yeah. Do I have facts that back up that this is true? Do I have facts that back up that this isn't true? I mean, so much anxiety is just lies your brain is telling to you, you know? Yeah. I mean, again, this study, it said that the Green Flag Study reveals assumptions that young people have about each other. men and women are misjudging intentions in stereotypical ways. This says, says Dr. Sarah Conrath,

such stereotypes can be damaging to relationships. Staying curious and asking questions can help dig beyond the surface and lead to deeper connections. I mean, that's just like really what it is. Again, we can't like stress that like curiosity and intention enough. Like that's the secret. That's the answer. I do a lot of self-preservation in the beginning. Like I don't ever want to feel rejected. I don't really double text. I don't ask you to hang out more than once if I don't feel it reciprocated. like I'm just not trying to like force anybody to do anything they don't want to do. But like I probably have missed out on some opportunities because of that because somebody just forgets because you're a stranger because you're not that integrated in their life at the moment.

Like if I text somebody and I don't hear back, I don't mind texting one more time. But after that I don't, you'll never hear from me again. And that I think is normal. I think that if you wanted to text you back, they would. Right. And I think on a first date if somebody seems a little shy and they're not asking as many questions, like I've asked guys. I've said them like you just don't seem like you're asking me any questions. And like they don't even realize that's been happening.

So I don't mind giving somebody a chance and communicating in a nice way or just like a light funny way like, hey, is there anything you want to like know about me? After that, I'm probably not going to go out with you again. And that's fine. I mean, maybe I've missed out on the greatest love of my life. But like I can't beg another person to act correctly. Yeah. You know.

I like talking about this in terms of sex too because we talk about so much how like the first time is just trash a lot of the time. And like with a new person, like it's such an. intimate thing, you're learning someone's body. Like, it's almost a red flag if it's like too good the first time. You know, like that person's too much of a pro. You know, and especially if you like somebody, especially if you are nervous, you know, like you and I both have had relationships where that first time was just, it's scary bad. You know, where you're like, oh, this is, this person can't fuck. Like, we don't have any chemistry. You just immediately start spiraling with those assumptions. Like, I cannot stress it enough. I mean, I bet you could ask a hundred women who

or in healthy, happy relationships. Like, what was the first time like? And they would be like, a hot mess. So underwhelming, you know, and we all have that story and you just can't base anything on it. We talked about with Vinny, too, when we went on Vinny's podcast. Like, that first time is just, oh, it's so bad. To the point where even, like, the second time could be a 10 out of 10.

Like, there's just something about it. And, again, you've had sex with someone three, four, five times. It's still bad. I think you can safely make an assumption that maybe you don't have the chemistry or they're not what you want as a sexual partner. but we go there too. We go there with our girlfriends at brunch. Oh my God.

Last night you guys had sex in the first time. It was so bad. It's just like, yeah, like welcome to the world. That happens a lot. Yeah. I mean, the amount of times I've had sex with somebody the first time they couldn't get it up. Yeah. Too hot.

Because you're too hot. And they get nervous. Yeah. This happens a lot. I just, I think we just have to like chill out a little bit, myself included. Life is long. You know, I think that if somebody's like, he didn't text me last night,

he must hate me. I don't know. busy, you know, like when you and I are on tour, no one hears from me. I don't respond to the people I love the most in the entire world for days sometimes. And that doesn't mean anything about my feelings towards them. That just means I'm having a main character moment. Yeah. I like the discussion about just like being so off base about what we think the opposite sex even like once. Like there was a lot in this study. And we'll link the article in our Instagram stories. But like men just think all women care about is like height and their job. And you know, some people do. But I love this one.

and it was about etiquette. And it said, as for etiquette, the study found a wide disconnect between what men and women consider chivalrous in 2024. Women don't care about men paying for the bill, 45% as much,

they still might care. As much, though, as they do about receiving sincere compliments and just having respectful conversations online. The bar is low. Respectful conversations online. Crazy.

We're not even getting to the date and who's paying. Just be nice and don't say anything fucking. insulting before we even meet face to face. Isn't shocking what dating apps have allowed men to do? Hot take.

Yeah, like it says the top three acts of chivalry that the women surveyed said they value most. Boys, this is a part where you take notes, are when a date makes sure they got home safely. Our panties are wet. Always do this. I cannot believe. Is anyone teaching guys to do this? Actually, you know, I've had like just nothing but bad dates in L.A. Most of these guys do not check if I got home.

Okay. What? It's so. Easy. Tessa, are you seeing this at all? Most guys sometimes. They don't ask you if you got home okay. This is a new thing for me. I've never experienced this. Like, in New York, I would walk one block to go back to my apartment.

Guys would be like, do you get home okay? Like, in L.A., I'm getting into a car and driving 30 minutes sometimes, and I'm not hearing from that, hey, do you get home okay? I mean, I guess there's a world in which it's just like, they don't like you and they don't care. But like, if you do really like a woman, like do this. Okay, so that was one thing. Three things again. The second one, going screen free during. one-on-one time. So just like having your phone away. God, the bar is so low. And then when men

open doors for them, 53%. Getting home safely was 59%. Screen free, 55%, doors, 53%. Men agree on making sure they get home, 38%. It's still lower. But the top gestures they consider chivalrous are actually just being on time and paying for the bill. I just, I find the disconnect interesting. The bill is so interesting because it's just been beaten it at. There's so much talk about it online, every other TikTok is about it. And guys are just like, okay, women want us to pay the check. That's a tangible thing that I can do that she's just going to make her pussy so wet. Like every guy's like, I just pay the check.

Pay the check. That's what they want. Pay the check. But it's like, again, like, you know, we're modern day women. You know, we don't need every door open check paid all the compliments, all those things. I mean, they're nice. But I mean, there's certainly a point where it's just like, okay, you know, we can meet in the middle on some things. But if you pay the check, it doesn't allow you to act like an asshole the rest of the time.

You know what I mean? Like, I think the things that are more memorable are these other things that you got home safely. I mean, those are the things that crazy are so small, but women are sharing with their friends the next day. I think that you can argue back and forth about who should pay for a check and how much and should people. But the other thing, you always need to pay. You ask me out your paying. Just go somewhere you can afford. And you can do a cheap date.

That's, you know how we feel. But, like, when I think about, like, making assumptions about people's behavior and what's the gray area, like, there is a little gray area about paying the check. There's no gray area about like just making sure a woman got home okay. Being nice. Showing interest in my day, my life. Yeah, like just being respectful. There's no gray area for me. I don't have to make assumptions here.

Like money and paying, I think they're just, I don't know, you could argue it either way. I don't love it if a guy doesn't pick up the check, but I think that there is some gray area. Not being respectful to me. Right. Kind. Checking in. I'm on my way. Did you get home okay?

Yeah. That's just not being a piece of shit. Yeah. Once you part ways with someone in the nine. it's just a nice thing. That's really it. You know, I had a nice time. Do you get home?

Okay. The bar is so low. But of course we want to end it with like, well, what can I do? Because we don't want to be like, it's rough out there. Good luck. This was from Tinder.

This is from their site, the Tinder press room. And this is basically the green flag dating tips from their global relationships insight expert Paul Brunson. So again, these are not really hot takes. But the first one says, respect is all around from the moment the connection is made to your

IRL date and beyond observe how they interact and treat others from the messages they send how they engage with their mom respect counts which it says respect counts heaps is that British oh it like counts a lot okay yeah yeah but it's like we didn't write the word heaps it sounds like a very person listen Paul yeah so I love this this is you say this all the time like how you treat a server the way you talk about your family I mean I was on a date with this guy. The waitress brought over his new drink and picked up the old drink, which I think a lot of people don't do that. I think people just let you sit in front of like all these dirty glasses.

And he goes, excuse me, put that down. And I was like, I will never go out with this person. Put that down. There was one drop of water at the bottom of that drink. I went back into the restaurant and apologized to her. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Yes, I just think this is just really observing how people interact and treat others.

Okay, number two, bring yourself. So, you know, your real photos, just showing who you are and, like, look for what makes that person unique. I like this, too, like, if someone isn't embodying all the traits, all the, like, finance, six, five, blue eyes. Trust fun. Trust fun. Yeah. Like, what is different about them than what you had your perfect partner in mind? You know, I think that's something that I've learned as I grew up, too, just like what I have come to love and appreciate may not be what I thought I would have wanted. And this has happened like throughout my life. But people are obsessed with the, I mean, I am too. The trust fund finance.

TikTok. Watch this like data scientists break it down yesterday. And he was talking about like if you actually broke this down, somebody that was like worked in finance. Oh, the percentage of men over 6.5. People that have trust funds and blue eyes that are age appropriate and single. And in your area, it's, maybe it said it was three people. No, it's the negative 65.

Like that's not a thing. Like if you ever met that person. person. That person's the devil. Yeah. Okay. Just maybe try to get some money though. Fuck that guy. Take their Venmo. Yes. Venmo yourself. Have sex with that guy. Yeah. Try to get pregnant. Okay. So next is two ears, one mouth. This sounds dirty. It sounds like a porn. Okay. Developing a connection is about sharing communication. Be actively aware of how much they're listening and whether they're taking the time to know you rather than them stealing the mic. So yeah. I mean, again, this is like for you to figure out. Like I think if you, you have got a really bad vibe on this stuff date one like don't go back out with a person and don't put yourself in harm's way or with somebody that makes you feel uncomfortable but some people just talk when they're nervous too much you know and I think that you can allow some space for that but I do think

it's something to be aware of and then the next one says who are they really there's a lot to be said about putting your cards in the table and vice versa from life goals to financial setup to friend circles can they articulate clearly where they are in their life and most importantly does that fit with what you want it's a good way to bet yeah yeah and then lastly your gut never lie above all else dating comes back to one thing your gut no green flag can overshadow this if it's not happening it's not happening move on and continue to enjoy your dating journey i love it i think that's important i mean our guts can certainly be wrong but i just think you do know and this is like really what goes back to just the way someone makes you feel like when you're with them and their

presence when you part ways so i think if you get a good feeling then keep your assumptions in check and realize when you are making unfair assumptions or misconceptions. Yeah, I think just de-escalate everything and try to not bring the sins of the past relationships and your insecurities and past traumas into it. It's really easy said and very hard to do. But I have to work on it all the time. And I have to remind myself that just because somebody isn't making like perfect eye contact or maybe their arms across doesn't mean that they hate me and think I'm disgusting and don't want to

talk to me. But at the end of the day, I do still want to trust myself. and if I don't feel good after something, I won't go back. And if I feel good, then maybe go back. And I think this is nice to remember that if you are a woman listening to our show, like there are a lot of men out there that want relationships and want intimacy. I mean, they have no reason to lie. This was a private survey.

You know, again, this is only one survey with 8,000 people, but the studies still show that it's not just all fuck boys out there. And there are people that want relationships. I mean, they might be all the short uglies, but they want, I'm kidding. There's still people too. I'm kidding. That's kidding.

There are hot people out of there. They want relationships. I just think it's easy to get wrapped up. And again, it's all trash. It's all bad. All they want to do is just fuck and never call you back. And I just don't think that's the reality. That's not been the case of the terrible dates.

I've been in LA. I actually feel like a lot of those people were looking for relationships. I just think that I was not willing to tolerate what they were selling. It is all bad. No, kidding. No, I've had really good luck out of town. I always have. You guys know.

Well, you guys know what they say about assumptions. They make an ass. They make an itchy ass out of you. A renal out of you. We are signing off, Ashley and Raynall. Well, we hope you guys enjoyed this episode. Girls GottaEat.com. Get those tour tickets.

We cannot wait to see you guys starting in the fall. On the No Crumbs tour, our shows are unlike anything else. We can't wait to see you there. So Girls Gotta Eat.com for those. Follow us on social media. Girls Got to Eat podcast on Instagram and TikTok. If you want to follow me, I am Ash He, Rayna is reynal.greenberg.

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that we sell at Vivesonly.com. And subscribe on YouTube, share this episode with a friend, and we will see you Thursday. We will see you guys on Thursday. Bye. Bye.