Girls Gotta Eat - Are You Being Used? (And How Not To Be)

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

We're talking about the struggle of feeling used and/or taken advantage of by friends, partners, co-workers, and family. We discuss how to recognize it and put an end to it, drawing boundaries, redirecting someone, self-talk, and more. Before we get into the topic, we're sharing the craziness that went down after a recent show, a (just discovered) major difference in how we sleep, and a wild tale of BV. Enjoy! Follow us @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Shop Vibes Only. Thank you to our partners this week: Helix: Get 20% off all mattress orders + 2 free pillows at helixsleep.com/gge with code HELIXPARTNER. Stitch Fix: Get $20 off your first fix at stitchfix.com/gge. AG1: Get a free 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D + 5 free travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/gge. Native: Get 20% off your first order at nativedeo.com/gge or use promo code GGE at checkout. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I think that we build up saying no in our heads so much, and then you say it, you're like, no one cared. Right. But if they do, check that relationship. I know. The wallpaper's up. It looks so good. This studio is straight gas.

And I just want to credit you. This is at your home. You've been doing so much work. You and Tesla were putting together Wayfair furniture yesterday because one of your little task grab of boyfriends canceled. The original one, not my boyfriends. My boyfriends would never. Hot game and hot Seth would never do that to me.

I mean, it's really coming together. I mean, really what we need now, if you're watching for this shot of us, is just the neon sign. Yeah. And we ordered a bigger, better one. You're like, too small. No. New one. So we have another neon sign coming.

And it just looks so dope in here. I just can't even believe it. This could not be more perfect. It's giving Beverly Hills Hotel. That's what it is. The Beverly Hills Hotel. people pretty much. I feel like I'm not dressed appropriately. I'm in a wawa sweatshirt. You can go upstairs. I have a thousand sweatshers. I know you do, bitch. Two of them are at my house.

I can't take another one. I didn't even notice. I just, I really was having, not having the best day of my life, I don't have a bad day, but this is like really elevating my mood. This is the best part of my day. Just like being here, see it all laid out. We did really do so much work. Tessa and I were here for like six hours. I'm packing vacuum and cleaning. Like it was just a lot. She was amazing yesterday. She built that shelf really. I didn't really do much. Okay, Tessa. A little side hustle. We see Tessa on TaskRabbit. She starts being distracted at work. She's got her like TaskRabbit. She keeps keeping weird hours. We're like, we never know what she's doing. But we finally did it. And we have this whole

YouTube, which we're so proud of. And every episode, In Full, is on our YouTube channel. And this should make it even more fun to watch. So this beautiful space that we're really proud of. And our new sign from Vintage Roots will be here soon. Yeah. We had a little bit of. of a rough morning. We just really have a lot on our plates. It's okay. It's an honor to be able to do everything that we do. I feel so blessed. But I was running behind, of course, and then I dropped my powder and it shattered on my floor. Nothing worse. And it's like kind of hard to find this shade, this thing that I use. And then it like got in the crevices of the white marble bathroom floor. And I was cleaning it. And I was like, this will ruin.

At least the next hour. Ashley and I hate to have a problem we can't solve. We feel that we are very good problem solvers. And it's like, who are you going to call? Sephora. Tesla, you've got to go to Sephora. No, it's actually like a product that I can't live without. You know, like I'll put it like on my neck.

It's like that cover on makeup. And it's like every time I go to find it, I'm like, they're like, oh, we don't have that shade. You know? Yeah. It's like one of those situations. And shattered and there's nothing you can do. That's such a like woman nightmare.

Like men truly couldn't understand. or have you ever dropped, well, never mind, I was going to ask you about so skin care product, but you wouldn't understand. What is skincare? Like, if you drop like a glass serum bottle, what happens? I'm just saying, like, one time I,

I one time dropped like a expensive serum and it just shattered and it was all over the floor. And I remember posting on my Instagram story years ago and people were like, I felt that in my soul. It hurts. And then you have glass too. I would tell you the only thing I can relate to it is I dropped like the extra large bottle of Frank's Red Hot in my kitchen.

And it exploded the glass, the red hot sauce. I was like, I have to move. I'm never going back in that kitchen. It's so brutal. Every part of the walls, the cabinets, it smells bad. There's just glass everywhere. The glass on top of it. You know what?

One time I dropped an entire giant sugar thing. You know, sugar cups? No! There's nothing worse package. I need a quarter teaspoon of sugar once a month. And you have to buy like five pounds of it. I feel like it's a conspiracy with like the sugar companies. Why do you need to buy so much?

And it fell out of my cabinet and went everywhere. And I was like, I can't. I have to move. I'm moving. Do you think anybody has ever used the entire bag of sugar? You just throw it out when you move. I guess bakers, people who bake a lot. You got to bake a lot.

I don't bake. And so every once in a while a recipe. because of a quarter teaspoon of sugar. And I have... Okay, I'm going to take one more thing. We're spirally. We're going to take our partners. Hold on.

There was upstairs in your bedroom. There is this thing that I, like, I must have tried to weight it down. It's like a statue. And I must have filled it with rice. And whose bedroom? And your bedroom upstairs in my house. My guest's bedroom?

Yes. Made his little's bedroom. The one that I meant for your bedroom to be and then it's robbed. The cork dropped out of it and rice exploded throughout my house. And now every. day I'm just walking around with a little crudgy pieces of rice on me. I bought a vacuum. I love it. It's no match for the rice. No. You don't want to get that dice and all riced up. I found sugar forever till I moved. There was sugar at everywhere. That stuff makes you just want to say

fuck it all. I move. Seriously, every day you're like, why is my life so sticky? Remember, did you remember my maggot situation? Do you remember the maggots? No. At the original apartment. In my first apartment, I was like, I think I'm going to. I'm going to, I'm just going to walk out and not come back. I think if it wasn't for duty, I would have left and never come back. It's not because you want a new apartment. It was the sugar and the maggots.

Okay. Little housekeeping to get out of the way. We've just gotten back from D.C. and Philly this weekend, we, as we're recording, I'm not gone yet. But assuming those shows were amazing, thank you guys for coming. We'll recap it next week. We're going to recap Chicago. If you are coming to Boston this week, we are so excited.

Last call. Tickets Laugh, Girls, Gotteeat.com. Please get there on time. We always try to start the shows on time, but some of you bitches stay at the bar a little too long. Yeah, we just want to do this little PSA. The doors open, the hour before showtime. We have a great playlist, come get drinks. Like, if we start a show late, we are always ready. It's because people aren't in. They showed up too late. And we are going to stop holding them so long. And you will miss the opening. I sound like I'm like reprimanding. I don't mean to sound like an asshole. But we just don't want people who got

there in time to have to wait. And this isn't a situation where we have some like opener that you want to miss. You know, we always have the sickest openers. Boston. Oh, you're not even ready. I've cried yesterday. It's been such a long time coming with this opener. So please just get there in time. Find your seats. You don't want to feel rushed and have a drink in hand if you drink and just get there as early as you want. So you don't have to wait in a long line to beat the line. You know, people just all come at the same time and it's a huge bottleneck and that's what causes us to start the show late because we're concerned. We want everybody to be in there. Yes. Or we would just say fuck it and start it and be like, sorry.

but we want, you know, everyone to see the show. Yeah. And we have an incredible special guest for Boston. We don't always have special guests. We have an amazing one for you guys. So please come check out tickets at Girls Gotta Eat.com. These are our last four shows before we take a couple months off from touring. So you can come out in Ohio also, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Columbus.

I think the only thing that there's really tickets left for is Cleveland, but a couple left to the other cities. So this is it. If you want to come see Girls Got to Eat before the fall, this is it. If you are bringing friends, please send us roast tea about them. you guys have experienced together. Just crazy shit that's happened. If you're bringing your partner,

if you're celebrating bachelor's birthdays, all those things, stories at girls gotta eat.com. And we'll see you guys there. Okay. And then one more big announcement on the vibes side. We have a brand new,

limited edition for summer blow gel flavor. It is Pena Colada. The penis collada is going to be the treat of the summer. So suck a dick. Have a vacation in your mouth.

let us whisk you away to a tropical vacation in the bedroom. What other marketing lingo? I'm really excited. Coconut is not always my favorite flavor and we tried it. I know because you, Ashley and I try so many flavors at this blow gel. And our blowjob episode did so well. People always want to know what's the best way to suck a dick. What are your tips?

Make it taste better. That's the best way. I lube it up a little bit. Maybe you're a little dehydrated. It just, it tastes so good and it's so wet. And Ashley and I were trying all these flavors for summer and you love coconut so much. and I was like, oh, I don't know how this could taste. I'm obsessed with it.

The little hit of like pineapple with the coconut. It's really my favorite flavor profile is coconut, coconut, but coconut and pineapple, especially like Kate would always say if I could drink sunscreen, I would. Like, I just want to smell like sunscreen. You do love it. Just that whole vibe, just all, coconut, everything. So we're so excited. And again, like, there can be coconut pineapple flavored stuff that doesn't taste good.

And we tried all that we could to get the perfect flavor in the, this blow gel, so you can have the penis collata all summer long, and you can shop at vibes only.com. Yeah. And we do sets of a lot of the stuff of the lube, the massage oil, and the penicolada blow gel. So if you want to just take that on vacation with you, we sell a little bag that goes with it. It's really fun. It's to get wet sets. So get naughty on your vacation guys. Vivesonly.com. Yes. Speaking of vacation, we just took one. Vacation. So we just, as we record, just got back from Chicago. It was A plus. 12 out of 10 perfect weekend in every way.

It really was. It made me so happy. It was so wonderful. My brother, Matt and my sister-in-law, Steph, came because I really just wanted them to see another show and take a trip. This was their first trip away from Jay, my new nephew, and we really got to do all the things. They did so much. I just sent them a list of all the, like, really cool touristy stuff to do.

Chicago was one of those cities that, like, the quote-unquote touristy stuff is pretty dope. Like, you really want to go to Navy Pier. You really want to go see the bean. you really want to go to that, you know, they went to the Starbucks roastery thing. Like we had this amazing meal at O'Sheaval. I'd never had that burger, so I'm so glad I got to have it.

We had deep dish after the show. Then they got to go to the Chicago Theater. And they did the Ferris wheel. They really torsted it up. And they took the architecture tour now. Yeah, sorry, number one thing is that architecture tour, which we did in August.

And we've been to Chicago a million times. I've been there 50 times. I love the architecture tours. We stayed at the Hawxton. If you guys want to go to hotel in the West Loop, We love it there. Got it into the Hawksdale. Okay.

Raina, this was the most rock star weekend. We did a show at the motherfucking Chicago Theater. We go out afterwards, after party for us at this brand new place bodega, which they have one in Miami. They just opened in Chicago the day prior, had the best table in the place, bottle service, sparklers. They brought out the sign that said girls got to eat. We're just dancing.

We're with all of our friends. we're with the stars of our literal favorite Netflix show. Natalie and Deep Dee from Love is Blind. We're dancing. We're drinking. We're throwing back shots. You start hanging out with the hottest guy in the place. Well, I was trying to make someone else jealous and it didn't work.

No. That guy was the... Well, he was tied for hottest with his friend who was working. I think he was a manager. He was a manager. Of course, his name was Chris. You can't escape him. And like literally you were hanging out the hottest guy in the place.

You start making out with him. him. I bring home a dude back to the hotel. A very tall, hot dude. Yes, very tall hot dude. I was like, is this the best night we've ever had? And it's so funny because it's like, you might think that we do these big shows, then we go out and get bottles, then we hook up. It's like, never. Once a year. No, we do go out, but the last time we got bottles was after the Chicago theater last time. We all got COVID. We all got COVID that night. And it just, was so funny because I was like, if one of us is going to hook up tonight,

it's going to be Raina, because she's already making out with this dude. And then lo and behold, I came from behind. You just swooped in. I mean, it was so crazy. I never saw coming. And then I didn't even see him.

You weren't there. I never saw him. I lost everybody. I got there. I was just trying to make someone jealous. And I found this other guy. And like, I exhausted that situation.

I was just ready to go to bed. I was really tired. My feet were killing me. I was really fucking drunk. And I couldn't find you. And I texted you. I was like, I'm going to go home.

No response. I get into bed. I touch you one more time. Like, I think we should leave it at whatever time. No response. And I woke up in the morning and I was like, something happened. I have to find her. I don't know what happened. And I just lost you. And apparently you found, I lost you. You found a six foot six man. Yeah. And I never saw him. I'm going to talk about this more of the shows. By the way, I'm not revealing too many details. I'll talk about the shows. I woke up. We slept for one hour. So brutal. One hour, truly. Like, 630 to 7.30. And I come down, I left that dude. The way you rolled out of the hotel. Can you just talk about it from your POB? Okay. So I wanted to rewind

to the fact that like Ashley came over to my house. Ashley sleeps in long sleepy shirts. She just has the biggest sleepwear I've ever seen. And when you slept over, you're like, can I have pajamas? And I literally couldn't find anything for you. And you looked at me and you're like, all your stuff is sexy. Like it was disgusting.

Like you were talking about your old sleepy shirts. Raina does not own a sleep shirt. Everything she has is sexy to sleep. Everything is lace. It's insane to me. Like, I have so many huge shirts. I loved a lounge and sleep. What did I give you? You gave me this shirt that says Gemini that you just wear. And then I, I hadn't brought such to sleep. So I just had to sleep in that and nothing else. Pussy out. Like, I was like, this is the biggest shirt she has. It's barely to my belly button. I wore like a crop top

And like I was like Winnie the poo No nothing on the bottom You have no big t-shirts I'm like haven't you ever fucked a dude And stolen his t-shirts or his sweatshirt No I'm sexy so I put that on I sleep naked

You're like think you know somebody And then you start spending more time at their home And it's so funny to me I was like no like I just see like a big t-shirt And you were like what So let me jump in So I love a giant t-shirt long sleeve t-shirt, that's elite.

A giant long-sleeve t-shirt that you wear like a dress. I want to talk about where you went to get it. Okay. I want to interrupt you. We were at brunch. Me and Jeremy and our video guy, Brian, and you go, I have to go to big and tall.

And you just leave. Explain it. It's like I have to go to big and tall. And then you left. Dindy brunch. Just went to big and tall. And you were with your brother. Okay.

Well, it was Destination X-L and Matt loves a destination X-L. If they're listening, hi, guys, please send us some free stuff. And Ashley's some mostly-de-shirts. Tell Shaq, we want them on the podcast. Matt loves Destination X-L and they're not all created equal. Like the one in Delaware is not great. He's got every decent item of clothing that they sell. So when he goes to a big city, he wants to go, check him out.

Like, New York, whatever, Chicago was really nice. So he was like, I need to go to Destination X-L. I wanted to see him that day. I hadn't seen him yet. So I just like went over there. I had him try on this neon yellow sweat suit. We took a video. It was very funny.

It was on my Instagram story. We'll play it right now for YouTube. And I was like, I just went like a giant long sleeve t-shirt. So I went to the sale rack in the back, found an XLT tall because I'm tall. So it like almost comes down to the knee. Vineyard Vines, Baby Blue has a lighthouse on the back. And I was like, this is my favorite shirt I own now. Like I'm sleeping in this.

It's just so big and roomy and cute. I wore it to the theater. You rolled out of the hotel that morning. I at least got three hours of sleep. I ate some leftover nando smashed potatoes. Oh my God. Which I snuck ordered. And I'm waiting in the car for you and you rolled out of the hotel in a knee length blue sleepy shirt.

And you're like, that guy is still in my bed. I slept for 45 minutes. I just left this dude in my bed. You're like, hey, I don't care if I ever talk to him again. Let's go to the airport. Yeah, I was like, don't order anything. I'll talk to you later. He was like, can I get your number?

I was like, what? All right. And I just like laughed wearing my shirt for the night before. And that was the night. And, you know, that's like, we can be so tired, so fucked up, and just still be in the car at 8 a.m. laughing hysterically. And that is the thing I value most about this friendship. Honestly, I feel like the funniest conversations of Raleigh are in cars at 5 o'clock in the morning to or from an airport.

I know. One of the best days of my life was driving home from Newark at 5 a.m. with you. Oh, my God. We realized both of those guys didn't eat. Yeah. That was a good moment. But then this epic time, this epic night, and then we get to the airport, we got denied at the lounge.

It was really, it was because you're a sleepy shirt. And then they were like, ma'am, you're not up to code. She really had to, like, dig the knife into. She's like, if you read the sign outside, you would know we're not letting people pay for day passes. Yeah. And I was like, okay, it's too early to read. Okay. We have Delta Lounge access.

we don't have American, but I'm looking into it. So we got denied at the lounge, and then we ate in the airport food court the wetdest burritos that's ever been known to me. It was just gallons of liquid. The wettest, I've been thinking about these burritos. They were so wet. And here's what I think happened. You're not supposed to put eggs, which can be a little wet.

Vegetables, well, you got ham. And then like salsa and guac in a burrito with no rice or be. means to soak it up. Totally. They were soaked. Mine fell apart. I was like, if anyone sees me right now, I'm in a nightgown, eating a sloppy, soaked burrito. So this boy who I was trying to make jealous the night before was in the food court also

just watching me basically laying on the ground trying to eat this burrito, which was leaking all over the place. I was wearing sunglasses in the morning inside the airport. We were like, no one can see us. And then he was like, I'm at your gate. I was like, oh my God. That was just the best weekend. It was just truly the best.

You know, both got a little action. Are you still talking to that guy? Did you guys exchange info? Yeah. Another funny thing that happened. This is another like real best friend moment. So so much stuff happened at the Chicago show. We had a hinge date there.

They had both emailed us. Did you see those emails come through? Oh, I love this. Yes. Yeah. So they had met like briefly before. They both come to the show. We had them sit together.

They are doing great. I hope it works out. But they were so cute. both emailed afterwards. And then we had another thing happened at the show where we introduced this girl to this guy and she's out with us at the bar. And then he came there and I'm freaking out that he came.

I really liked him. Like I'm like losing my mind. So I am like, oh my God, Raina. So I come to tell you that he's there and you're mid-makeout and I still interrupted you. You're sitting on the top of the ledge of that guy's table and you were making out and I like was like, Raina!

That guy's here. And you were like, Ashley, are you serious right now? Are you serious? And I was like, okay, well, let me know when you're done. The way you looked at me was like, she can't possibly be doing this right now. This guy's tongue is in my mouth. And she's like, excuse me. She's like, if I could just steal you for a second?

I steal for a second. I was so hot. He was so hot. And his friend, oh my God. I was like, I need to give up on the friend because he's working. He doesn't work. You know, like he doesn't have to be here until four in the morning. Totally.

Totally. And then we came back here and, you know, I mean, I'm just doing check-ins with myself still. Like, was this the right move? Like, I'm a lifelong New Yorker. And when we landed here and I got to just, like, lay my backyard and just, like, be in the sun. It was nice. It was a moment of just like, it feels so good to come home here. This feels like home.

And it's just nice to feel like you made a good decision. Yes. I know. I'm so happy. I'm talking something funny. So we have this stripper in Chicago. And he's very hot. And I'm very attracted to him.

I know. And you pointed out that he looks like my brother. Which he does. And we were on stage with him in Chicago and I like gave him a hug. And then in the mic, I'm just like, you are so hot. You also look my brother. I don't know why I told 4,000 people this. And then he made an incest joke, which I was like, that was crazy.

You're doing the jokes now. What did he say? He said something like in the mic he did. Yeah. I didn't hear it. He, like, did a play on words. Like, let's get into this. But he said, like, let's get sensuous.

Okay. He's so hot. Crazy hot. But then yesterday, do you ever start saying something and you're like, I want to abandon this immediately? I was on the phone of my brother yesterday. No. Right.

Raina, you told your brother this? Why? I was like, Arlen, there's a stripper. And he's so hot. And then Ashley, like, pointed out that you look in, in the middle of telling him, I'm like, I want to abort the stories. So badly. You should have just hung up and be like, sorry, the call dropped.

And Arlen was like, that's, that's, what's up? That's cool. No. I mean, listen, you know how I feel. People would always say that like Stephanie and I look like each other. And I was like, you guys just stop. Like, it's not, my brother says that you and Stephanie. And I'm like, don't ever fucking tell her that.

I'm just like, what are you trying to say? I know. The implication. it is weird. Matt has great taste. Matt knows true beauty when he sees it. I think you're both beautiful. I don't think you have any similarities. I think you're both beautiful women. Thank you. But other than being tall, like if Steph was my height, would anybody think that she looked like you? Probably not. I mean, I can see it like a little bit, but not, you know, to the extreme. If you saw a picture, you could think we were related. We don't look that different. I look more like her than

Matt. Yeah, you look more like everybody than you look like Matt. Yeah. You look more like me than you Yeah. No, that's so funny. I did want to say this earlier. We did have the same strippers from Hunkomania that were also in Milwaukee. We love them so much. If you were in Milwaukee, you saw these guys because there wasn't local guys there. So we had them come from Chicago and brought him back and they just did this cowboy thing. And it's so fun and you guys loved it. And the opener, I think I mentioned this last week, but it was before we actually experienced them and it was the pack drumline and just unfucking believable. I was like losing my mind. and they were practicing.

So good. They have a residency in Vegas. So if you guys just look them up, I mean, they're on Instagram, the pack drum line, and you can look them up online. They've been on America's Got Talent. They're on YouTube.

And again, they're in Las Vegas. And they were the official drum line for the Chicago Bulls the past couple seasons. And this guy Perry, I think he's like the head of it. And he did like a solo. But then we had seven of them. And then one woman.

And like, when who run the world, this remix started, she comes out and she fucking banged on these drums. Like I was losing my mind. Like it was the most serotonin flooding my body. And the crowd was so hype. And I'm just like, damn, we really do know how to do it and know how to open these shows. But sometimes it's just like the fucking top, top, top.

And I cannot believe we book them. And I'm just so happy. And I love them and I miss them. They ruined all other drumlines for me forever. Those guys were hot as fuck. Their outfits were so sharp in those like white suits. Everybody, that girl was so good. Like I just, I'm so proud.

that we create a show and so much of this is you, all of it is you. You book all the talent. So I'm just so proud that we create a one of a kind, like cannot get it anywhere else experience that like I'm just, I'm proud of it. You go see a comedy show anywhere. You go see a live podcast anywhere.

This is whatever. You hear us talking about this every week. It's the best fucking show ever. And this was the best drumline we've ever had. Unreal. I can say this now because it'll be over, but we will have had the 76ers drumline in Philly and the commanders dance team in D.C.

for the second time, they're the fucking best. So anyway, I just, I get so hype. And really this moment at like 6.30 before doors open when we run through it with them is one of my favorite moments. It's just like the empty theater. It's really my favorite moment that I always just really try to soak it up and not take it for granted. So can I reach you this email we got about Chicago? Yes. We got the most funny, unique, just off the rails emails for Chicago.

We obviously couldn't go through them all. but this one really stuck out to me, and it was relatable, and I just wanted to read to you. Okay, I haven't seen this. Okay. She said, hello,

I'm attending the Chicago live show and thought you guys might enjoy the story of how chlamydia led to my mom committing federal crimes. Perfect. About a year ago, I went to the gynecologist for my yearly checkup.

I hadn't been in about two years because of COVID, but whatever, I'm sure everything is fine. As I'm sure you know, while they were checking under the hood, they do a swap, the way she writes this is part of it.

While they're checking under the hood, they do a swab for chlamydia and gonorrhea. You know nothing to worry about just normal protocol. I had been with my partner for a while. No weird symptoms. Totally chilled down there. Once again, nothing to worry about.

Well, imagine my fucking surprise when a few days later I test positive for chlamydia. As this was my first STI, I was kind of freaking out. My partner and I had just met before the pandemic hit and went exclusive pretty quickly as a result. So that means whatever exposure I had was at least two years ago. I know what you're thinking. Yes, he could have cheated. But I honestly don't think he has it in him.

He is obsessed with me. And that just doesn't seem like the case. So that means I've had chlamydia brewing for two full years. No symptoms. nothing questionable, just a pussy of steel. Dormant chlamydia. And also, while we're here, there's nothing to be ashamed of or with any of this. It's just like, you know, we've all been there and are worried about something like this. And we're going to do, we're going to talk more about STIs actually next week with our guest. But, okay, she says that's not even the worst part. So we both take the medication, get retested at a clinic roster closer to my apartment, blah, blah, blah. I thought the whole thing was behind me and I was good to move off my life. Three months later, the doctor's office prints and mails a letter. Who does that anymore?

Telling me I am due to be retested. But instead of sending it to my current address, they send to my parents' address. So, of course, my sweet mother opens it to read. You are due for an office visit to have the chlamydia culture. To have the chlamydia culture redone to check for reinfection. Please call our office to retest for chlamydia as soon as possible. Retest. And also, she goes, and yes, chlamydia was written in all caps in the letter twice.

Why'd they have to all cap it? So after a very uncomfortable phone call with my mom, the sending of some test results, the removal of my parents' address from my medical record and teaching my mother that opening someone else's mail is a federal crime and HIPAA violation, I was able to put the whole deal behind me. I honestly don't know what was worse. The future physiological harm of having an untreated STI for two years or the psychological toll of having the safe sex talk with my mom at the age of 25.

So excited for the show. So do you know my story? Have I shared it? No, you're reminding me of your dad finding your vibrators, but this is worse. So I swear I've shared this. So forgive me if you've already heard it. But what I was living in Dewey, this was the summer after I graduated college. So it was like 22.

It was the last summer I lived in Dewey with my girlfriends for the summer. And I had like randomly I'd had BV for the first time ever like a month prior from when I was with my college boyfriend and whatever. And so it was like a weird summer for my pussy. But I was also like, you know, always in a wet bathing suit. And I was a slut, whatever. And so you treat your body like chaos at any. Yeah. I had to go to the gyno.

with the BV and I got a panel for STIs. I guess we call them now. The STD is back in my day. And so that was that. And my mom calls me and I remember I'd had a buzz. I'd had a few drinks in me. We were about to go out. So why is she calling me at 9 p.m. anyway?

So she calls me at like 9 p.m. I'm with the girls having drinks, ready to hit the town, all dressed, all dolled up, ready to go. And she goes, hey, I just, I got this envelope from Lab Corps. And I opened it. And I was like, first of all, why? She knows you and your name was on it. And it was your lab core.

Why did she continue? And she was like, I was like, okay, mom. And I was like, you want to tell me what it says? And she's like, do, do, do, do, do. Oh, it says here you have chlamydia. I was like, what? Bitch, what? Also, you don't even know which thing, which what to lean into that you have.

chlamydia or that your mother has just told you? So nonchalant. And I'm, again, this is not, the more you know, they're so treatable, nothing to be ashamed of here. But you're 22, you're like, what? I was probably going to fuck someone tonight. And I was like, mom, are you serious? And she goes, what? I've had that. She goes, it's not a big deal. there are so many bombs going off in this conversation. And I'm losing my buzz. I might like stomach has dropped into my asshole. I'm like, what is even happening?

And then she goes, oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I would just reading the stuff that you were tested for. You're all negative. I was like, bitch, I swear to God. I was not ready for the story. Do not call me anymore. That was last time you talked to your mom. Who gave her a plebeidia?

The only thing that could have made this were as if she, told your dad gave it to her. No, it was some sailor. Or some Navy guy. I'm sure he was a smoke, knowing my mom. She is hot. Did she? So was your dad. The whole summer, the whole rest of the summer, my girlfriends I lived with would be like, it says here you have chlamydia. It says here you have chlamydia constantly. So I couldn't believe when I got this email because I was like, oh my God. I don't know this story. This conversation's insane. It was so insane. And then that was the same summer. I haven't had BVs since, and I got it again. I was just really fucked up that summer. And I had my meds from the first time. And the meds that I was on at the time, it was like a foam, kind of like a moose.

And you would put it in like a basically tampon applicator and shoot it up you. And it cleared up really quickly, huh? You'd like lay down. And I shared a room with my best friends. And I would just be like, guys, I'm about to do my medicine. I would like crawl into the covers. Yeah. You're in a bit. beach house that like a bunch of 20-year-olds could afford. It's like polyester comfort and people can probably see straight through them. I tell you that this is not an exaggeration because this beach house was the smallest one we lived in. And it was 600 square feet, six girls. It was three girls to a bedroom. I was in a twin bed and then Corey and Corey were in bunk beds. And that was one that had the ceiling fan. I was like, someone's going to die on this top bunk. And then I got BV again.

And I still had a lot of the medicine left, but I didn't have the applicator. So I called my gyno was like I just need the applicator and this like nurse was like listen I'm not supposed to do this but I'll meet you and I'm I'll meet you I'll hand off the applicator do they not have CBS back in that day it was this like I don't know I didn't know where I could get that so she was like I live near Dewey I'll just meet you and so Corey drove to do it's like it's a coke deal so Corey drove me to this woman's house and she came outside with a paper bag I gave me this applicant for my BB met I really did it actually all these years I've been waiting for waiting for you to make this BV story not so terrible and you finally did it. Ashley likes to remind me every three to four months that she had BV. Tell me the whole story. Finally made it a good story. Raina, this is not the tampon.

This is the other BV time? I didn't get BV from the tampon. What happened? What, the tampon? Yeah. You just took it out. Isn't that BV? Isn't that BV?

The smell that happened. No, that was just the tampon stuck up there. So what you're saying is that I've brought up the story. now. We all know how had a tampon stuck up in time me for a week

and I thought I had an STD, but lo and behold, it was just a tampon. We all know this. And it's funny because I don't say this to brag, but after that summer,

after that summer, I had nothing wrong with my vagina till my yeast infection of 2021. That's crazy. But yeah, I don't know.

It was a weird summer. This is amazing. And Corey was like, I will never forget when we had to meet that lady for that. applicator and she came out with an unmarked brown paper bag. I mean, if you imagine.

She gave it to us in our car and we drove off and then you went home and like crawled under the covers to do your meds. And then we would just go out and get fucked up. I was definitely fucking dudes on the BV meds. You know I was. Absolutely. It's Galube. Stay juicy.

Next week I do want to talk about how I'm feeling because I'm off birth control. But we can talk about next week. So you said juicy. So juicy pussy because that is something I am feeling. Feeling. I don't know if it's. placebo effect or not, but I don't think so. I actually, I do see like a change in you.

You just... It's not like you like, stomp around, be like miserable every day, but you feel a little lighter. Let's talk about next week. Yeah. I really am excited to talk to you about it. Okay, anything else from your end you want to chat about? I have it dominated this with my clemenia. Honestly, I had a bunch of stuff to talk about, but I don't care.

What? None of it was BV related. Have you ever had BV? I've never had an STD. I've never had BV. Not to brag or anything. Maybe I have, and I just didn't even know. I used to get yeast infections kind of a lot

and UTIs. Yeah, I used to get UTIs a lot. And while we're here, so next week we have on a guest and she is going to talk about having herpes and I'm really happy to have this discussion is it something that affects so many people and a lot of people have it that don't know they do.

It's just so common. And again, like, we want to share this story and not a like, oh my God, can you believe it way, but just we love to normalize this stuff. But there was nothing normal about your mom going through your mail and telling you and then telling you that she had Clementia from a sailor.

Okay. I am really excited for today's topic, and you came up with it, and we are talking about feeling like you're being used by people, whether it's a significant other, a potential significant other, or a friend. And, I mean, far be it for me to avoid a boundaries conversation. But I feel...

It's funny that you said I came up with it. I don't need credit, but it's funny, because what if I was like, I came up with it because I wanted to talk about you using me? This is an intervention for me on our show. No, I actually saw this Instagram post, which I'll read that kind of inspired it. But I feel like, you know, we put it on Instagram,

we asked you guys what you're struggling with in terms of friends and or significant others, and there were so many things that came up. And the thing that's really interesting to me about this conversation is like there's so much information about like setting boundaries and setting the precedent early and not saying yes to things you don't want to do. And in a perfect world, we would all do these things. But everything that came up is like something that you're probably only upset about

because it's a pattern. It's taken a long time. So, you know, it's hard to feel like I've let things go for so long. and now I don't know what to do here. So a lot of those things fell into that category for me. You know, I think at a perfect world, we could give the advice with like, set boundaries early and set a precedent.

It's like, that's not real life always, you know? Yeah, and you shouldn't stress yourself out when you make a new friend or start dating someone that you have to, like, set your boundaries and draw lines in the sand. Like, that's not fun. We should be able to just exist and make relationships and not have to worry about that.

And again, like you said, in a perfect world, you won't be used and people won't cross your boundaries. but it's also never too late to set them. Right. So many of us, I think, are just people pleasers. It's good to want to be there for others and say yes to things and be supportive and want to add to other people's lives and it's nice to feel like I have this big circle of people that depend on me.

But like when it starts to impede upon your ability to do your own stuff and feel like there's reciprocal respect, then it's a problem. Yeah, and I'm so glad you said that. We did a great episode with Mark Groves that you guys really loved and we really talked about people pleasing. So we always want to direct you. guys to other places where we've discussed the topic in depth. So that was maybe like a year or ago. It was July, 2022. Okay. So summer 2020, and we did talk a lot about people pleasing. And

I just want to say before we really get into this discussion, like sometimes you put people's needs in front of your own. You know, your family, someone could be sick, you know, God forbid. Like, there are times when you sacrifice your own happiness or your time and energy for someone else, because that's what we do when we have partnerships and we care about our family and friends and our pets and whatever it may be. So I just kind of want to remove that from it. That's not exactly what we're talking about today. I think there's exceptions to every rule because overall I don't think that you should sacrifice your own well-being and do things for people at the expense of yourself. But again, there's always exceptions to that. And we do things that are hard and take us away from our own life for others because that's what being a good friend, being a good wife,

mother, daughter, whatever is about. So, you know, I just want to say that up top. It's like, we know those exceptions exist. Yeah. We're going to talk some shit today on people. But I do think at their core, most people are good. And if anybody could self-reflect properly, we'd all be perfect humans. I say that all the time. And so a lot of people don't really know that they're doing this, you know?

And a lot of people don't know that you feel, quote, unquote, used by them for X, Y, Z thing. And I think sometimes it's just having the conversation once and maybe you heard somebody's feelings a little bit. but like to hold a mirror up to somebody kindly and mention that you kind of feel like this, I don't think most people want to use you for whatever it is. Of course, there's situations where you just cut somebody out of your life

and that's it. It's a pattern. You've tried to talk to them a million times. It just is what it's going to be. But most people don't even know. And if you just mention that you also need something, you're a person here and you need reciprocation, then people do take the opportunity to change, I think. Yeah.

And of course there are people that are just shitty people that are using you and they know they're doing it and they're going to see what they can get before you cut them off if you ever choose to. And I think there's people that could be using you without realizing it and that could come from their own trauma as well. I was in a relationship where I felt, I guess, quote unquote, used at times. But it wasn't this purposeful thing that my partner was doing.

We really loved each other. I think he wanted to feel some sort of like unconditional type love, something probably from his upbringing and trauma that kind of caused him to lean on me, take more from me. And not some, oh my God, what is the word? What's the word you always use? Duplicit. And not in some duplicitous, as Raina would say. Manipulative way.

Manipulative way. Yeah. I think some people, I always think about Nedra and her book about boundaries. And her episode with us, a Nejra Tuab, where she said that some people just think that this is what your relationship is. So, for example, like, and we're going to cover these things, but like maybe you always make the plans in the relationship and you're pissed about it. But somebody else just thinks like she's so fucking good at this and she likes this and that's the role you feel. Or maybe somebody just feels like Raina and Ashley, for example. Like, our job is to give relationship advice.

And people, I mean, I always say this too. I feel like people corner me at a party and then they pile on on me. But I'm a good listener and I mine for details and I give a lot of advice. And maybe people just think that, like, that's what the dynamic is because you and I do this for a living and it's fun. And sometimes I just forget that, like, I'm allowed to change the conversation. I'm allowed to talk about me. I don't have to sit here and listen to talk about you for an hour.

I don't even know you. So it's just reminding other people that this is not necessarily what the relationship always has to be. Like, you have some say in it. Yeah, and there's a line because I pay a lot. We pay for our friends and I pay for my family when we go to dinner a lot. And I have always wanted to be this person. And when I started making money, I wanted to do that. And I treat people a lot. But I never want to feel like it's expected. And it would bother me if my friends started thinking that I was paying for them because I treat

here and there. And my friends don't. I can't be clear. It's pretty reciprocal. And I don't do it all the time because I don't want people to think that I am trying to flex, that I have more money. Like when I do a lot more for my family, and then, you know, I feel like when you and I are together, we'll just put stuff on our credit card and things like that. And I'm just happy to do it. But yeah, it's kind of like I had a friend that always paid for me. He made a lot more than me as a close friend before I was making money. And I just always needed to check myself that I wasn't expecting it or just always letting him pick up the tab without offering. You know, most of the time he did.

And it was just like, he's like, Ashley, you're fucking broke. Let me just handle this. But I was like, I still never want to take advantage of it. So, but there was the points where I almost had to check myself. So I just want to validate that you can fall into a pattern.

Oh, yeah, definitely. And it's fine to like, I think the money with friends comes up a lot and feeling like you're the one that always pays. One of our friends texted me yesterday and he was like, I sent you a Venmo request. You never paid me for Coachella.

And I was like, oh my God, I don't want you think I was like avoiding it. And I just, I don't get Venmo requests. So, like, people do have to remind me, and it's, like, fine. And just, like, I'm the one that ended up feeling embarrassed. Like, I think some people are like, I don't want to send the memo request or ask.

And it's like, I feel embarrassed because I didn't pay him and I don't want him to feel like taking advantage of it anyway. So there's nothing wrong with, of course, asking for the money and asking you to split stuff. And I have friends that are always like, I don't want to be weird about that. It's like, no one should be on the hook for somebody else ever. Yeah. So you should ask. Yeah. But I was thinking, like, when you were talking about your ex and thinking that, like, this is just how this relationship is.

like maybe like in romantic relationships there does always tend to be like one person that's like maybe supporting the other person more and maybe the person on the other end is like she's more capable than I am she's figured it out ahead of time and they just feel like well maybe Ashley just likes to do this because she's more capable of X, Y, Z than me

and it can feel like you're being taken advantage of so much but maybe the dynamic has just arisen that like with my ex who I was engaged to I was a couple years older than him and I always found that like I was the one giving job advice writing his resume, writing cover letters for him And I always feel like it was very unbalanced and I kind of presented it. And we've talked about, you know, just not doing things for other people that they are capable of doing. And just being like, I will explain to you that you're a horse and then I want you to lead yourself to the water.

Yeah. So even if you're in that pattern, you can stop being in that pattern. But the other person just might think like Ashley's been there. She's done that. She's better at this than me. I'll take the advice. And you can stop the pattern. Right.

Like it's easy for her. Or it's easy for him or whatever it is. It's no skin off their back to do this stuff for me. And I think ultimately we'll talk about some of the instances where you could feel used, but you just have to assess how you feel after interactions with people. I mean, so much of this is, it's a gut check and it is asking yourself if you feel used, asking yourself if it feels unbalanced. And none of us want to exist in some sort of like tit for tat relationship.

You know, like there's times when I need to lean on you so much more and vice versa. And that's just how relationships work. Like it's not, I do this for you, you does for me, back and forth ping pong till the end of time. So it really is a matter of also being like, it's just just a time when they really need me and would they be there for me if I needed them too? And it sometimes is a matter of asking. I've said this before. I felt like my partner wasn't doing enough around the apartment. I asked him for help and he started to help. Some people just need a little bit of a push. And if you feel like someone is constantly taking from you, ask for something back and see if they give it.

I think with the housework, the cooking, the cleaning, like with partners that you, you know, you live with and feeling like they don't contribute. The first thing I would do is check my own behavior. Do I criticize them every time they wash a dish? Because I do. I will nitpick that stuff. Do I say you don't vacuum right? You don't clean right?

Like is the natural response for that person to be like, then you fucking do it. You know? Or I remember watching that scene of Love is blind where like Zana was watching Cole cook a meal for her and she's like criticizing every single way that he does it. It's like if you feel like your partner doesn't do those things for you, are you criticizing them when they do it? If we're removing that, if you're like, absolutely not.

I would love it if they did that. then just ask. Yeah, and we covered this on the weaponized incompetence episode too. We don't need to go in so much in the weeds. I think this is also with friends. Like, is someone constantly asking you for, I don't know, tickets to something or some hookup somewhere or job something, like whatever it is, like could you ask for it back?

Or something that they could provide to you. Like, is there a way that you can turn the tables a little bit and see if this relationship benefits you in the same way? And I think that there are some ways to tell if people are using you. I mean, I think it's how you feel. I think there's inconsistencies. Is someone only nice to you when they want something? You know, like, is someone crossing your boundaries not valuing your time, things like that?

I'd want to just cite this quote from this Refinery 29 article, and we can like link it, put it on YouTube. But it says the coworker tricks you into taking her load of the work by way of flattery, the family member who assumes you'll pick up the check again, the friend who only calls when she's got her eyes on a pair of shoes and you wield a discount at Barneys. We all have relationships that devolve to a place of imbalanced servitude where the give and take are grossly imbalanced. But since women are often groomed to be giving and agreeable from birth, sometimes it's us ladies who are more likely to get used in relationships. Even worse, we don't always recognize when it's happening, how we allow it to happen, and when to calibrate our relationships so we get as much as we give.

Oh, I love this. Yeah. But this came up a lot with friendships. I feel like I'm being used. I mean, that was the most our listeners submitted. It's the most I wanted to talk about it. And I've had different times where you feel like you only hear from somebody when they need you, especially with you and I, like, you know, you only hear from them when they need relationship advice. They're single. They need somebody to talk to about their bad dates. And it's like not reciprocal at all. But what you're talking about like the tickets to something.

I had a situation recently where I want to see this gently because I feel gratitude for it and stress about it. But I feel like what happened and like the way that I handled it. I'm like proud of it. And you gave me really, you gave me really good advice. And you know, you and I have a really, we have a large show and we have a large network of friends. And I think that a lot of times when people, have a show coming out, a comedy special, a book. I always get reached out to.

Can you promote this for me on Instagram? Can you promote this for me on the show? And there's different levels of it. If it's one of my close friends, I will go to the end of the earth to promote anything you're doing. If you are on a show, if you wrote a book,

if you a new podcast, even if it's direct competition with you and I and what we're doing, I think a high tide rises all boats. I don't care. I feel really happy to promote everything everybody's doing. If I don't really know you

or if it's just been a constant, you asking me for things that never asked for anything, I start to get a little frustrated and I'm just like, where's the tradeoff here? And I want to be kind and I want to support it everybody's doing. But at some point, I have to say no. At some point, you have to like take care of you.

So I'm honored that we have a large network of people, but sometimes it feels like, you can feel a little used sometimes by people that are constantly asking. So I was saying to you that I felt a little frustrated that a lot of people all at once were asking me for things to promote their stuff. And I was like, this person's never done anything for me. This person's never done anything. You and I have a podcast and a March Line at a Sex,

company editor and I was just like, are these people ever going to offer to reciprocate? And you were like, well, did you ever ask? It like hit me like, I've never asked. And I think maybe some people just assume you and I were good. We have enough promotion. We promote ourselves. We go on our Instagram, we talk on our show. And it hit me like, maybe these people don't know that I want them to help promote our stuff because I don't ask. And I decided to just see how that went. And every person that I just said, like, hey, it would really help me out if you did this thing. if you promoted our tour or whatever, every single person was just like, I love you girls. I would love to absolutely save the world and did it immediately. And it was a nice feeling for me to be like,

okay, all you have to do is reframe this a little bit and give people the opportunity to succeed. And like I said, I do think people are good and they do want to help you. And I've just never asked. Yeah. You know? I mean, but that's almost the question I ask myself. Like, again, I can't stress enough. My close best friends, family, I'll do everything for you forever. But other people, can you, you promote this? Can you promote that? Can you do this thing for me? The first thing I asked myself is would they do it for me? And if the answer is a hard no, I know, then just no. I'll just ignore it. Like, I don't ignore my friends, but people who I don't really consider a friend, I can ignore it. Fuck yes. Like, sorry. This happens to be a lot from like my food blogging days and people that I was

acquainted with back in the day that I have not maintained a relationship with. And since then, have not promoted my show that I own or my sex toy company that I own. And occasionally maybe like a DM that says like that was funny, but like people that I know don't even listen to our show. And to hear from them and to ask to promote their books

or something they've going on or their own Instagram and I'm just like, you would never and have never done this for me and you've had all the opportunities in the world. So why are you checking it with me about this? And I just ignore it. Or you can say like, sorry I just don't really have the time

or the capacity for that. or whatever. My way of women of the world is not just to like brush everything off, ignore everything. You can also say something, but I just want to empower people to be like if this is someone you consider a friend and they're asking you for something, you can just ignore the request if you feel like it.

Yeah, sometimes it's just not somebody that I need to insult. I don't need to say to them that this is a crazy thing for you to ask me or I'm a little insulted or you've had the opportunity to promote this and you did not. Yeah, I think it's fine. Sometimes I just, I don't need to have a conversation where I insult somebody. I think that like people mostly just shoot their shots. and they're hoping that you'll do it for them.

And if you just ignore it, whatever, they'll assume that you're busy, not that you're the worst person in the world. And I feel like people that are people pleasers get in their head. Like, I want people to like me and I want to say yes to things. And are they going to hate me? And it's like, do you hate every person that's ignored or a question of yours? No.

Well, and I like that you said that. Like, it's not always about being used. Like, you're right. Some people are just shooting their shot. And there's nothing wrong with that either. And you can take it or leave it. You know, everyone that asks someone for something is not necessarily. necessarily some user. They could just be like, this would help me out. I'm just going to try. And you know

what's going on. I wrote this down too. I think that if you devalue yourself, others will do it too. So I think it's thinking of how you treat yourself and how you talk to yourself, you know, and do you have negative self-talk? Are you a person that follows through with your goals? Like, do you have trauma that you haven't really dealt with or things that's happened in your past? And what are your boundaries like? And again, we did an episode with Nedra Towob and her Instagram is a wealth of information as well. And she has two books now out, and plenty of people talk about boundaries, professionals that have a wealth of information. But I think that too, it's always good to start from within. And I mean, all you can control is you, right? You know, and I think it's fine to say no to things. It's fine to say I'm a

capacity right now. It's fine to say I'm really busy. I would love to do this. I had a friend the other day that wanted me to basically read something of a friend of hers and give some feedback. And I was like, to be completely honest, I just, I'm not going to do that. I can't. I'm really underwater with work. I'm not trying to be a jerk. If there's some chance I can get to it, I will. You know, it's fine to just say no. It's also fine to not respond to things right away.

Sometimes I feel the need to, like, respond immediately because somebody has sent me a text. But in reality, I'm sitting here and minding my own business, and you've asked me for a favor. So it's okay to just hit the pause button. You don't have to say yes to everything. So the other two things that came up a lot with friendships that I'm like dying to talk about is feeling like you're the only person

that makes plans and that you're on the hook for it. And I know that you really relate to it. And feeling like relationships are just one-sided in general. So that's what I really relate to with like friendships is just feeling like I am always on the hook when you need something, when you're having a meltdown, when you need advice, and I don't hear from you otherwise. And you can get people enough rope to hang themselves, right? Like you can tell them that you feel like this. You can change the conversation. You can change that dynamic. Sometimes you have to write some people off. You know, at the end of the day, like I have a friend. I had to do that with her eventually. I just felt like every time I heard from her, it was can you give me business advice? Can you give me dating advice? Can you help me plan this thing. And I just was like, there is no give and take here at all. Yeah. And I don't feel good with these interactions. Yeah. And the first thing is trying to redirect them. You know, like, if someone's constantly wanting something from you and you just want to like sit down with them and have a coffee and share about your own self, can you ask for that? Would they go for it? I mean, you'll know.

Think of what you want out of this relationship. You know, like, I'm trying to think of a situation where someone's feeling used. It came up a lot that like I only hear from this person when they're single. And they want like dating advice, relationship advice. They want like a wingman. And I think that you can take the opportunity to, number one, change the conversation. I think you can shorten the amount of feedback or type of feedback you give somebody. So instead of leaning in and giving really lengthy long paragraphs advice and voice notes and things like that, you can just sympathize. And see, that really sucks.

I'm so sorry. And you don't have to like lean into this being an hour of your day. And I've had to do that with people where I just kind of take a step back. and I give them the opportunity to ask about me. Yeah. I need to also, you know, like I acknowledged before, I need to be better at acknowledge than I need stuff too sometimes. Yeah.

And allowing people to ask how I'm doing because, you know, people don't know if you don't tell them. Yeah, and that's the thing too. I mean, that comes back to this inconsistency. Like someone only wants to be a friend when they're single and they want to go out and party and you're like, you just disappeared while you had a boyfriend. I mean, that's up to you.

I don't really want or need a friend like that. understanding that like people's lives ebb and flow and when they're in a relationship, they're going to spend more time with their partner. Like I get that. We've talked about that plenty. But when they completely fall to face the earth, they don't respond to your text. They won't hang out with you at all. Like, do you really want that person in your life?

I mean, that's for you to decide. And I, again, I just think that you can just try to redirect them to get what you want out of the relationship. And if they don't go for it, then you might be being used. And that's for you to assess the relationship. I love this quote. I pulled from the refinery article, it says, because we talked about self-talk, it says the first step to empowerment is to switch from thinking he or she is exploitative to I'm giving up too much.

And this comes from Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist, an author of a book from conflict to resolution. And I like that framing. Like, I'm giving too much instead of this person is using me. They're taking advantage of me. You know, like flip it back on you and I'm giving too much of my energy or my time or my connections or my attention, whatever it may be. instead of like, this person's a user, you know, like come at it from that angle for multiple

reasons, but a lot, just so you're not angry. Absolutely. And I try to like reframe it with gratitude and be like, I'm honored that somebody respects my opinion, thinks that you and I are good at what we do and they want to hear my feedback, whether it's about business or dating. And I'm honored at the base of it, but I can't give my whole day to it. So it's fine. I just, I have to take my time responding.

And sometimes you're going to get a one sentence response and you just have to like take it, you know? I don't mind that. Not every text message I send to somebody has to be responded to that second. I'm not insulted if somebody just says, like, I can't get into this right now. Yeah, I totally agree. And the plans thing is interesting. I have turned into this person that does all the planning because I want to do what I want to do.

And that's a large part of it. And I plan dope stuff and I don't want to do stupid shit. But that being said, my close circle of friends that we travel with, I trust them and what they want to do. And I think about the grease trip and Anushka and I kind of tag team that. and we have the Cabo trip coming up and it is for my birthday. I am planning most of it, but I will ask for help if I need it.

And I'm down to ask for help. Like our friend Sean, Anushka's husband and our good friend, really took the lead on the whole month in the Hamptons. And after that, he was like, I'm not doing the next one. Like he was like, I did so much of this. And we all would kind of divide it up.

Like we have a weekend. We have a Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Let's all try to plan something. But he kind of like removed himself from the Greece trip because he was like, I did too much. And I was planning a lot and I asked Anushka for help. And she was like 100%.

And she had wrecks and we just really went at it together. And sometimes it's that. But, you know, there's been points in my life. If someone was like, can I have help with this? I might be like, I don't have any spare time or energy to give you and I want to and I'll try. But, you know, you have to always think of your own boundaries in the time and energy that you have. But so much of it is just that. But I don't feel used.

I feel like people know I want to do this. and they know I'll ask for help if I need it. Yeah, I mean, I just think that I trust your taste. I know that you have like the same standards as me. I mean, maybe I would pick a different restaurant every once in a while. But other than that, like, I know that you're going to pick a hotel that I like. I know you're going to pick a restaurant or an activity that I likes. And also, if you're on the other side of it and you're not the person that's planning

and you've put this all on somebody else, all you need to do is say, how much do I owe you? Because you don't have a dog in this fight. And if you're going to have somebody plan all this stuff, then just show up with the You can't complain. Yeah. You get what you get. But I do understand the frustration because some people are like, either I plan it or nothing happens.

Either I plan it or we get there and there's no driver like in a place where you can't get an Uber and there's no reservations in a place you need a reservation. It's like everything's on me all the time. Why do I have to be like that? And I get it that it's frustrating. I think you have to know who you're taking a trip with or spending time with and delegate it out. I mean, if you're the planner, then you're probably decent at delegating. you know, like I think you can be honest with your group of friends also. And like, if you have a group of friends that you're like, they're all going to just

fuck off and make me playing this whole trip, I don't know, you want to take that trip? Like, do you want to do it? Like, think about it ahead of time of like, all right, guys, I will take the lead on this, but can you help me with this? Can you help me with this? Can you help me with this? You know, like, I think it's a matter of delegating. And I don't think there's any harm also.

And if you, let's say you have a group of four girlfriends, you get a little sex in a city group. And every weekend you do something and you were like, I've made the reservations for the past fucking month. I plan the daytime activities. I plan the fucking festivals. I get the tickets. Everyone Venmo's me.

Like, I'm just running this group social calendar. Like, so you can say it next time you're at dinner. You can be like, guys, I have so much fun planning stuff for us to do. You know, I love to do it. But it just has been like a lot lately. And I got my own shit going on too. And I'm busy with work, yada yada, my dog, my sex life, whatever. Can someone else kind of just like take the lead on next time we hang out?

and make a reservation and I'm happy to jump in where need be. But again, it's just like asking and asking when you're not angry or you've been pushed to the limit. And again, the reframing of not my friends take advantage of me, but I'm giving a little too much and I would love if they would help. Yeah. I mean, every conversation, we've even talked about this with the money stuff, if you just lead with like, I understand this is weird or I'm touched that X, Z, like, that's

always a better way to frame it. Like, I'm really, I'm touched that you guys trust my taste all the time. It's great. And I love being in charge of this. I just, I need a break from it. And even if somebody can, like, manage the split-wise, you know? Yeah. That's what John had done all summer.

Like, if one person can be in charge of, like, paying and divving up what everybody owes, and you can just make the reservations, that would be even nicer. Yeah. Just, like, to take that off your plate. And there's just also, if it comes down to somebody that's not your close friend, it's someone that, I don't know, knows you work in PR, constantly asking you for stuff or you have some sort of connection or hookup. And someone's just constantly asking you, just there's a lot of power in

say no. And they will probably take the hint. You know, like, say no in a kind way, but you can say no. You know, if you feel power in it, I don't say no a lot. I like to say yes. I'm not some like hard boundaries all over the place type of person. I love a boundary, but not as much as you. But I just talking about boundaries. I don't know about having them. But I mean, I say no all the time and I don't feel bad about it. And that's, because I try to say it in a nice way and not in an accusatory way. Like, I feel like recently I told you I couldn't do something. I was like, you know that I always try to like go along with the schedule, but like I just

have to draw a hard line and this is one time. And you were like, yeah, it's not a big deal. I think that we build up saying no in our heads so much. And then you say it and you're like, no one cared. Right. But if they do, check that relationship. That's someone that wants to push past your boundaries, you know. I saw this Instagram post.

This was kind of what inspired this topic idea. And it was at the account, we, the urban. And it was nine ways to not be used. And we can share this, but I just pulled three that I really liked. And one was believe red flags, trust your intuition. I think that's obvious. And we talk about that all the time. One said don't fall in love with potential, which I kind of like that.

And again, you're welcome to do that, especially when you're younger. But I think we've all fallen victim to that. Like you see so much potential in someone as a romantic partner or if a friend even or whatever it may be. but just think about who they are right now, maybe, before you go down that road. And then trust patterns, not apologies. And I fucking love that.

I have dated a professional apologizer and people can apologize and they can sound so self-aware and they're taking ownership of what they did and all this and that. And you have to see the action. You have to trust the patterns and you have to really take note

of what they're actually doing and not just saying. Yeah, and the patterns in their life as well. Is this a pattern with all their friends? Do they have issues with coworkers, employers, other friends, romantic relationships? If I see that, then I'm off the hook. The way you said that.

I think about like one person in particular who I just like really had to, Azul's really like creeping, who I kind of had to cut ties with. And I just felt like every single conversation was just to benefit her somehow. and it was not reciprocal even 1%. And I just looked at every person in her life and I'm like, she just does this. She's just a user of every,

she just takes and takes and takes. And I was just like, I'm off the hook. Yeah. This is not a me thing. And I think family is a little different conversation and this is not something I feel super comfortable diving into family is really tricky. And this is, you know, talk to your therapist,

reading Nudra's books, all this stuff. But it's tough because I was reading this Instagram post that really stuck with me on parents who start to lose touch with their kids because they haven't built much of a connection and relationship outside of, I raised you and I did all this for you and now you owe me your time and attention and I need to be the top of your priority list. And it was talking about how like, that's not the relationship you want to have with your kids. It's like, I did this for you.

Now you have to be around for me and come visit me and be, you know. So parents can get into that. Parents can get into like, I did all this. for you. Now I get to just like cross your boundaries, use you for whatever I want to. So this is just stuff that there's plenty of resources out there for. But I just want to say it to validate anybody that it feels like used by a family member. I think that's really tough. Really tough. Because you can't ax them out of your life the way that you would have a friend or a romantic partner. Let's talk about romantic partners a little bit. So there are a few things that came up over and over again.

There's something that you brought up to me. Like there's obvious stuff like money and sex you feel like used for. But you said attention and I thought that was really interesting because I hadn't thought about it. But I do think it can like really happen where you're like, this person, I only hear from them when they like, want to fucking attention. Yeah. Like is it always on a Sunday? You know, they have some like Sunday scary situation and they just like need a hit, you know, of that attention, serotonin dopamine, whatever. And they just text you and you know it when you see it. But there's certainly relationships where you're using each other. But you got to be able to get what you want too. Are they responding when you want attention or you want a little hit of that too?

I don't know if you have that kind of reciprocal relationship. I don't see that much wrong with it the same with sex. But as long as you're getting what you want when you want it too. I mean, I have several relationships like that with several men and I don't care. I feel great. And I don't think we quote unquote use each other for attention, but it's like flirty, it's light. It's just like we check in, we'll talk on the phone. And then there's nothing like outside of that. I don't need them as like a romantic partner. It feels reciprocal. And when I end the interaction, I feel good. I feel positive. I feel happy. Like, you should check in with yourself. How do I feel after this interaction? Because I do think we can feel like somebody just checked in with me because it's

Sunday night and they're hung over and they're upset and I've flirted with them. And like, then they just leave me on red. Yeah. You say something funny. They just don't say anything back. No, hard. No. Like, I hate it so much. But if I can get it when I want it, then fine, I guess. But like I don't like, especially like sharing something about myself or saying something funny and being left on red. Like, no, I'm turned off by it. like I have the ick. But I think we talked about, you know, you mentioned money and we kind of talked about that a lot,

but wasn't one of the responses like someone's slowly moving in. So funny. Yeah, so this thing that came up, it really surprised me and feeling like your partner has slowly moved into your house and did not have the moving conversation with you. And I was like, who would do that? And then I was like, that happened to me.

Oh my God. My first, like, serious boyfriend in New York, I lived right by his job. And like I got a new apartment. He lived in Queens. I lived in the Upper East Side by this hotel where he worked at. And he just like moved in. We didn't really have a discussion about it.

And then he changed his address to my place like his mail forwarding. This is the you don't live in here anymore, bitch. Oh my God. If you guys were like the OG listeners, this guy like basically cheated on me and I caught him and he's running around the apartment naked. I'm breaking all of his stuff. And I was like, you need to get the fuck out of your motherfucker. And he was like, I live here.

I'm not living. like, you don't live here anymore, bitch? He wasn't on the lease. He just, like, slowly moved in. And I was like, how did this happen? But, like, he did pay for more stuff. So, like, he paid half the rent, and then he also paid the bills.

So I don't care. Rida. I mean, this is, like, old hat conversations we've had. Like, you just have to sit down with somebody. I mean, you can even kind of use the format of our conversations that we discussed last week with Rameet, of, like, if you are in love with this person, like, hey, I love you and I love having you around, but it feels like, you can say it light.

Like you're kind of slowly moving in. And I'm not saying that I don't want to live with you one day, but I'm just kind of trying to get a rea of what's going on here. And I want us to have healthy boundaries and have our own space and just use all these buzzwords and just like put it back on you. And again, just come from it as a place of this is a little much on me, not that like, I'm being used and exploited, you know. I think sometimes you might be. Yeah, you might be like that time with me. I think that's one of those conversations that, like, people will walk away feeling a little hurt and a little bit miffed because there's no way to say, I don't want you in my space seven days a week without hurting somebody's feelings a little bit, but just because somebody

walks away from a conversation mift doesn't make it not worth having. It doesn't mean it won't get a little bit better. Like, I've certainly had conversations with people in my life that have hurt my feelings, but that doesn't mean they weren't worth having. Yeah. And you will feel better eventually. or not. I mean, you should give people the opportunity to, like I said, hang themselves. Yeah, and you just really need to start these on a positive note. I mean, if you tell me, like, Ashley, you're like so hot and so funny and, you know, you're the best person I've ever met, but I need some space. Like, all I heard was hot, funny. Take what you need. I don't care. Like, I'm, whatever, what did you say? Fine. I'll leave. I don't care. I'll get my own place. I'll move out.

You turn me on so much and what would turn me on even more is less of you. But so much of this is like, here's what I need to be in a healthy relationship with you. I need a little more space for me to function as a partner in a healthy relationship with you. Yes. So the very last one that I wanted to cover, a lot of people submitted saying they feel like they're being sort of taking advantage of socially by their partner, that they're the one that always makes the plans, that they're on the hook because they have more friends, they have more stuff going on socially.

I think that comes from a place of like your partner probably feeling. like you just do have more friends and you do have cooler ideas and it does oftentimes fall to the woman to make all the plans. And I mean, I think you just have to, I mean, number one, just acknowledge like maybe that person doesn't have as much to offer. Like I was in a relationship with somebody that I planned all the friend stuff and all the barbecues and all the trips and everything and I don't know that he really had as much to offer friendship-wise. And I think he was just excited to be around the people in my life. Yeah. There's nothing not nice about that. It just, it sort of just is what it is.

I mean, it's something that I super value in a relationship. You know, like a thing that's high up on my list is someone that has a circle of family and friends, you know, so I probably wouldn't even go down the road with somebody that I felt like didn't have their own stuff going on. I guess there's a world also in which, and you see this a lot of times, we talked about this with Jeremy and Lauren, that like when guys get married or get in a serious relationship, they start to lose some of their guy friends. And this is a thing I've even seen more.

of. So there's certainly that, but you can always encourage your partner to call their friends, go out, do something like, babe, I would love for you to like go out and have a night with the boys or the girls or whatever it is. But I just think a lot of this is assessing it up top, you know, like, does it matter to you? It doesn't matter to everybody. Some people might be like, no, my God, he has like, no friends. This is so dope. He's just with me all the time. But you just have to, again, sit back and see what's going on. And I think this is a lot of times asking your best friend, you know, who can see something from the outside and may see something that you're experiencing from within. And we always say

this. Like you help me so much, you and Kate, I've seen stuff that I might not be able to see. And you should definitely lean on your best friends for advice. Like if you were to share with your best friend, someone who knows you inside now, like, I'm feeling a little like used in this way or this or this or this or maybe a little taken advantage of. Do you think this? Do you think I'm being crazy. Like, I would absolutely ask one of you guys because you would tell me straight up like, no, I think that's pretty normal

and maybe you're overreacting or yeah, absolutely. And I've been wanting to say this for a while. Uh-huh. And I think that like when we're in it, we read into it a lot. And sometimes you just need somebody else to be like, I don't think this is abnormal. And have you given them a chance to make the plans?

And have you given them a chance to include you in their friend group, do you talk shit on their friends? Do you act like their plans are stupid and their hobbies are stupid? So I absolutely agree with you. I think it's so important to ask somebody else to just take a look

at the situation through a different lens because you only have your lens that is so informed by everything in that relationship. Okay. Well, can I end it with this quote from this article? You're killing it with the quote. It's all from this one article. It says, this is from A.J. Levan, a resilience coach who works with University of Pennsylvania's Positive Psychology Center to give resiliency training to U.S. soldiers, actually.

And they say, when we constantly help someone, we may be undermining their ability to help themselves, which is harmful to both you and the other person. standing up for yourself is always worth it. It'll either create boundaries and mutual respect, enhance a relationship, or it will highlight relationships that need to be weeded out. So lace up your boots. You've got some standing up to do.

Work. All right. Well, I hope we did this topic justice. I love it. I just, I want you guys to walk away feeling like people aren't always trying to take advantage of you and you can stand up for yourself and ask for what you need. And most of the time, I really do think people will,

surprise you and actually listen and try to give you what you need. Yeah. And we're at the age where we've been through it with friendships in our 20s and 30s that have needed to be weeded out. Not a ton, but it happens. And that could be what needs to happen too. Yeah. So end some friendships. Yeah, trim some fast. Okay. All right, guys, well, you can find everything you need at girls got to eat.com. We got a little refresh on the website. Chloe. Chloe switched. some things out. It says Snack City Tour. We have some fresh photos in there. So check out Girls Gotta Eat.com. Get tickets. Last call for Boston. We will see you this weekend. And then, of course, Ohio, there seem to be a few tickets left for Cleveland. And then that is it until

the fall, London will kick it off. So Snack City Tour, get those tickets. Girls Got Eat Podcast on Instagram and on TikTok is also Girls Got Eat Podcast. I am Ash Hess. Raina is reina.org. And of course, our company Vives only. Vives only.com. Vives only on Instagram. and subscribe to YouTube, tell a friend. Don't get used. We'll see next week. Buy the Pina Cloud of Blowjow. Suck a dick this week. Suck a dick, guys. Have a good week. Bye.