Girls Gotta Eat - Are You In a Situationship?

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

You know it all too well -- the dreaded situationship -- and we're unpacking it on this week's episode. We're talking about what a modern-day situationship looks like, how to assess one before determining a course of action (or no action), and discussing the age-old question "How can I make this person commit?" We're also sharing our own situationship experiences, telling you the one thing most people want in a partner, and hyping you to have your best summer. Before we dive into the topic, Ashley recaps the best day of her life and Rayna reveals the kind of guy she'll never date. Follow us on Instagram @GirlsGottaEatPodcast, Ashley @AshHess, and Rayna @Rayna.Greenberg. Visit our website for tour dates, merchandise, and more. Thank you to our partners this week: Pretty Litter: Get 20% off your first order at prettylitter.com/gge. Living Proof: Go to livingproof.com/gge and use code GGE20 to get 10% off your first purchase. Calm: For a limited time, get 40% off a premium subscription at calm.com/gge. Blueland: Go to blueland.com/gge to get 20% off your first order. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You might meet somebody when you're in your hoe phase. And you're like, I'm just hoeing. And I've communicated that I'm just hoing. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, wait, I want to be a committed ho. Back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. What were you looking at as well?

He looks so cute. He's being so cute. He's being so extra cute. I can't even handle it. I am recording in shorts today for the first time since the fall. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I brought the knot socks back out. You guys can storm our videos talking about it.

People love to time on your feet. Love to. But do you. know that you wiggle your feet, like the way you do? Like, have you learned anything about yourself watching back the videos? Your way your feet get going. You're like in your, you're in your socks, like, wiggling. It's crazy. Like, I think it's, I think it's annoying when people think they have such a hot take on something they notice. You know, it's some amazing video, but someone has to be like, Raina's feet, but like, listen, sometimes they are going crazy.

I'm doing it right now. They are always like, you're doing cardio down there. I already did 45 minutes to cardio this morning. Do you think, okay, in the hierarchy of who does stuff the most, I definitely touch my hair the most.

That's the number one tick of the show. Do you think you touch your nose more? Do you wipe your nose more? I wiggle my toes. That's why we can't release whole videos because I pick my nose too much. Listen, it's not, I'm not digging up in there.

Like, But something about, I swear, like ever since I got my nose done, which I wouldn't trade it for the world, it just, I feel like I have a constant running nose. And again, it's just because I'm always sick these days. I already have a tickle in my throat. I don't even know how this recording is going to go. My throat feels like I'm about to have a coughing attack at any moment. But I, you know what I do that I don't love that is, I can't help is like pick up my toenails and my fingernails. I will tell you, you said that for years to me and I've never noticed it in videos. I'd get gel pedigures on my toes. Like, I'm always picking it my gel. You always say that. I've never noticed it. four and a half years into the show of our relationship. But I don't notice your hair that much. I never stopped doing this. It's endless. But it's such a natural thing that women do, I feel like. I noticed you on stage. Now we're my...

That's where I'm hearing ponytail's on stage now, so don't touch it so much. What are your guys, anxious tics? Let us know in the comments. Okay. If you guys are listening today, we just got back from Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, and Detroit. If you guys came out, thank you so much. We're sure that it was really fun. Yeah. We had the... Well, we know that we had the Detroit Pistons dancers in Detroit. Incredible.

And the Colts cheerleaders in Indianapolis. Yes. It's really such a dream. And in Pittsburgh, I don't know, my dad was there. We had some great. And drag queens open the show. Yeah. Let's hope this all happens because if not.

But thanks for coming, guys. Thanks for coming. And we have all new shows being released today. You can get your tickets at girlsggyp Podcast.com at 10 a.m. today. We have some caveats. Caviots. To some of these. I'm just going to read off the dates.

and the theaters, and we can get into it. But we will be in Just for Laugh's Festival in Montreal on July 28th, Philadelphia at the Met, August 27th. I know we told you a different date. We'll circle back to that. Charlotte will be the night theater on September 15th, Nashville, the War Memorial, September 16th. Finally, the last night of that tour. Atlanta will be the Tabernacle September 17th. And Boston will see you at the Wang Theater Halloween weekend, holiday weekend, October 29th.

You want to jump in with the caveat. Is that the right word? Caviott may. Okay, so Montreal, JFL, those tickets will begin sale this Thursday at 10 a.m. Eastern time with the pre-sale. The code is on our website. General on sale will be Friday at 10 a.m. the 27th. Again, that info is on our website. And then Nashville, we wish the tickets were on sale, but for reasons out of our control, they will not be on sale until Friday. Again, May 27th, 10 a.m. looks like that's going to be central time. So this is all on our website. Girls Gottypodcast.com. Click on live shows and

also, of course, sign up for the newsletter. And lastly, Philly. Okay, so we had to change this date to August 27th. We apologize to anyone that this affects where you can't come. That's unfortunate. We just, for reasons out of our control, with the scheduling and various things had to change that date. So we apologize. We're excited to get there to you sooner. Yeah. And that will be, you know, the last weekend in August. It's going to be so fun. We'll kind of like end the summer on such a high note. And we really can't wait to be there. So keep that date change. in mind that it's going to be in August on the 27th. Yeah. And we told you we were going to add one more show and that is Charlotte. So we did not announce that last week. That's what we were working on.

We were trying to figure out if we could get it in that same run with Atlanta and Nashville. And it is. So all these tickets, with the exception of Montreal and Nashville are on sale now. Just go to get a podcast.com. Click on live shows and get those tickets. Yeah. We're so excited, guys. And then keep it on your calendar. 6-6-6. We are launching the biggest Girls Got to Eat Adventure. so excited. We've been working on this for a year. It's just, it's so special. It's so exciting. Two were we. But we had an amazing weekend. We got to Hannah's wedding, Hannah Burner and Des Bishop's wedding in the Hamptons on Friday. And then Ashley flew to Vegas the next morning. And it just, it was the best. Yeah. It was like everything I thought it would be. It was really great. And it was

funny because we were on the group chat with all the girls that went to The Bachelor at talking about how people were asking in various comments on Instagram, like was Des at this wedding, which is so fucking funny to me. I just was thinking about it. So when Hannah got the photos back, I mean, she posted like a carousel and it was like all her and Paige. And then the other girls at the wedding

and like, was Des even in that first carousel photos? And there was one of just her. And then Des was in the third post. I don't know that I've ever seen a person do this before and I live for it. But then I think Paige posted a carousel and then that's when I saw the first comment that said was Des at this wedding.

And then someone commented back and they were like, Hannah always talks about decent. centering men from her life. And here's like the proof of that, which I love that. I loved it. But it was incredible. I mean, they both did speeches, but were like comedy sets. It was very funny. Like two comedians getting married is like such a blast. It really was so special. Their speeches were really so nice. And dad's really moving because he's older than Hannah. He's quite a bit older. He's in his 40s. So he's way older than me and Ashley. By decades. Oh my God. Eel. So old.

40. 40. Oh. Can you imagine? I can't imagine. Being 40. It's so far away. We're just kidding. If you're 40, you're a queen. I can't wait. And we'll see you soon. And we'll see.

But Des, in his speech was like so sweet. And he was saying that like he didn't really, he was very cynical about love and didn't believe in like finding your person and your partner and that like he found it later in life. And I think that we all put all this pressure on ourselves to like find our person like 24. And it's like life isn't over after your early to mid 20s. Like there's no time at which like you can. not find a person. Yeah.

It was nice to hear him just be like, I didn't believe this could ever happen because I thought it was fucking stupid. And I found this person. Right. And then the best thing of Hannah's speech was she said, I wish I could have known you in your 20s, but I was in kindergarten. I lost it.

I like spit my drink out. This is the first wedding. I wasn't like blacked out by the speeches. Oh my gosh. I couldn't get drunk. There was like no alcohol. It was like a comedy club. There's no alcohol in those drinks.

What? I couldn't get drunk. There was a plenty of alcohol. I was watching this lady make my drink. But I only had like a couple drinks. I won harder than you. She was dinner. Yeah.

I had dinner. That's why I wasn't drunk. Yeah. So after the wedding, I just thought this was so funny. So there was a debacle with Dylan after the wedding. So Dylan Palladino who has been on our show who like I always like, we're just friends. There's, we've never hooked up. Like I tease and flirt with him like on Instagram and things like that.

But we have never hooked up. That's like my little brother who I'm also attracted to. Oh, no. The way you act with him. that was your brother would be disgusting. Please never say that again. I do want to walk back. He's maybe your like second cousin.

It's like a stepbrother. It's very right. Step brother. Hot step brother is it. He's your little hot stepbrother. Dylan's like a brother to me. It's stepbrother. No one loves step family porn more than Raina.

It is my porn category. Maybe I'd fuck Dylan. I don't know. He's too tall for me. But I. posted a carousel of photos and it does look a little coupley. I mean, it looks like a hard launch.

I'm sitting on his lap in the first photo. Yeah, because he's like a brother to you. Because, yeah, well, I don't, I guess I wouldn't sit on my brother's lap. A stepbrother, though. I would sit on his lap. And then the final photo in the carousel is like me, just like cuddled up with him, like, on the beach. So it does look like a hard launch.

So like we got like 150 comments like on this thing being like, I stand you guys, you guys got a date. Yeah. And on his post, he posted him and this girl, his date. Yeah. So like you go to his thing and it's, I'm not even in the photos. It's a carousel of him and this other girl.

Right, right. And then he posted this Instagram story because I guess like people were messaging him and it was like all, it was like black and white writing and it was like, I am still single. I'm not dating anybody at that wedding. And it looked like an attack on me.

It looked like he was like mad that so many people like said stuff on my post. And so I texted him and I was like, hey, that looks really mean and like really attacking me. It was like, no, no, no. It was about her. It was about her.

Who also, she's awesome. She's super nice. I just think he didn't want to cock block himself. But either way, not a great look. So I had to ask him to take it down for both of us. I stood up for me and his date. So it's interesting. I mean, we love Dylan.

So this isn't like shade towards him at all. But he should have just got on his Instagram story and be like, you guys, I'm not dating anybody. Like made it light. Yeah. He did like a black and white writing post. Like someone died. Yeah, like someone died.

I'm single. I'm not dating anybody. I was like, that is funny. He really got pushed to his limit. Like, that's so unlike him. Like, you would have thought he would have got on there all heated up, all like, you know, in a funny way and been like, guys, I'm so fucking single. I'm not dating right. I'm not dating Tali.

He also posted a carousel of like eight photos of him and this girl at a wedding. It looks like you're announcing your relationship. It's a million photos of him and somebody at a wedding. So if you don't want to hard launch somebody, I would not post eight photos of you. as their wedding date on your Instagram. Or do, who cares? If people know that's your friend. Like, I don't, I,

who cares? Who cares? He cares. He cares is what I'm saying. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, if I went to a, if I went to a wedding with a guy friend of mine, I would post photos of us.

I wouldn't care. Anyways, he's not, he wasn't even my date. Ashley and I shared a date. Yeah. You know, we did. Um, yeah, so the wedding was really fun. I left right after the wedding, came back to the city,

got back at 1, 1.30 in the morning. And then, uh, woke up to fly to face. I say eight o'clock in the morning. I will say, like, I went to this music festival. I went to the Lovers and Friends Festival in Las Vegas. It was like truly one of the best days of my life. Like I feel like so cheesy and emotional talking about this. But everything also was like on point in terms of like it was just an easy day. Like went to the check in this beautiful hotel a state at the encore at the win, which I can't recommend enough. Like I've just never, you know, we're not huge fans of Vegas. But like honestly, it's, I think Vegas is very much like

how you do it. That hotel is stunning, gorgeous, really high end, really nice. The room was insane. So, I mean, that's just part of it is like where you stay. I mean, that's more my vibe. Like, where do we stay before the Hard Rock Hotel? The MGM, I think. Which is also nice. It's just like, it's, it's, like, my room was incredible.

Yeah, it's just the way the encore's like kind of tucked back from the strip. Like, when we pulled in, I was like, where are we? It felt like we were in this like gated area. Like, it was really nice. It's like a thing. It's like a very nice hotel. So stayed there. I mean, really just got in just in time.

I had like 30 minutes to shower, pick an outfit. And then we like went to the festival. we got there and like I went with just my friend Ashley. There was eight of us and then we had a cabana, but it was just her and I wanted to go that early. Walk in, I just hear yin-yang twins play and I'm like, oh my God, this is crazy. We go up in our cabana. They start bringing out like our like bottle stuff.

We had like a bottle service. Anyway, just everything went really according to plan. It was so fucking hot though, I will say. Like I barely drank any alcohol. I could do as drink water. I didn't pee for like six hours. I was just like so dehydrated from the heat. but I was like so hopped up on adrenaline.

Like it was 96 degrees, felt like 104, and I was like living in my best life. Like these artists that I got to see at this festival, music is such a huge part of my life. Like is the thing I'm like the most passionate about. I feel like I can't even date somebody that doesn't really get it. Like it doesn't have the same type of appreciation

that I do for the specific type of music. That is this, I always say like late 90s, early 2000s, like 95 to 2005 when I was growing up of like rap and hip hop and R&B. And like this is my whole. life. This is like my middle school into high school, into college. Like, I remember just like getting ready for fucking sixth grade or middle school listening to TLC. I remember when Ludacris came out, it was such a stand of Usher. I did a college speech on Usher. Like people were doing like speeches. I was like, I'm going to do it on Usher. I like had this cut out of his head. I had this guy

wearing and dance into the room. I did the A Town Stomp. I was aware. Yes. He danced into the room. You costumes in a costume. What did you talk about? I just talked about Usher. And like, I wore his camo hat from the Yeah video. And I like, I like, did the A Town Stomp. in my college class. Like, I did a speech on U- you do right now. Oh, my God. Did anybody film this? I'm about to contact Clemson. Do we even have camera phones back then? No, but like, I just, I remember like this guy dated in college and every time he would come out dated, I say that loosely. This football

player, I used to fuck. He would come in before we were pregame with him and like he would walk in. As soon as he would walk in, we would play goodies by Sierra. Like, I have all these memories. And so I was at this festival and I was like, I never felt like such a pure joy in my life. And like since we had VIP, we were really close to the stage. And I knew like every word of every song and like even the deep cuts. Like my friend Nick and I went over to see Next. And I was like, how do I know every next song still? People don't even know who Next is. Like maybe people know too close. I know every song, Butta Love, Wifey. Jarl and Ashanti performed together. To see Jarl and Ashanti together, I was losing my fucking mind and they would just kind of tag team it. They would

do their songs together. Then she would come out. She did foolish. He would. He would. come out. He was doing all his songs. It was truly like one of the best experiences I've ever had. And I know that not everybody at that festival at the same type of experience. And there were definitely some hiccups. I mean, this is a first time festival. That's to be expected, you know. And it was super fucking hot and all these things.

But it was so worth it. And at the end, like at the end of the night was Usher and Ludacris and Liljohn. So they were all together. And then they brought out Jermaine Dupree. I'm like, this is insane. Like this is the foremost famous Atlanta artists like that exists. It was unreal. And then at the very, very end, Lauren Hill ended the night.

And I was like, Lauren Hill's not going to show up. It's a thing, right? That she doesn't. So she actually came out. I was like, I can't believe we're seeing Lauren Hill. Like, I can't even believe this. And then she was like, let's take it back. Let's take it way back.

You know, I used to be with these two guys. And I'm like, the Fugees, why Clef is not here. Wycliffe's not here. I start losing my fucking mind. Wyclef comes out. I lost it. I screamed so loud. I was like, this isn't happening.

Like, I was like the biggest Fuji's fan. I was the biggest fan. I was the biggest fan of wife love as a solo artist. Like I was losing my mind this entire day. Like 12 hour day. Like by the time I got back to the hotel, I was like, I have depleted my serotonin. Like I have nothing left.

I have nothing left to give. I have expended all the joy and happiness in serotonin I could possibly have in one day. And I just like fell into bed and was like that was the best similar. I feel like this is like a fantasy. Like a dream. Like this won't happen every year. This is not going to be like a repeating thing every year. I mean, I don't know why not.

I don't know. feel too good to be true. Well, I mean, it was, people, I think, you know, it was interesting because people were like, I thought this was going to be like fire festival. Why would they think that? Well, the A, the lineup, to me, felt so unreal because it was so good, but I think people saw just, they see jaw rule. And I thought it was so interesting because, you know, Rayne and I are such fans of Fire Festival, the content, the documentaries, like, I can never get enough Fire Festival content. It was such a wild thing that happened. But had Fire Festival not happened, no one would have doubted this festival.

Like, no one thought there were fake festivals before Fire Festival. So it was just funny that, like, and even in my comments, even on Twitter and stuff, it was like, damn, I thought this festival is fake. And it's like, okay, it was Live Nation.

You know what I mean? Like, I don't know who... Right, and it's Las Vegas, which is like the, the entertainment capital of the world. Fire Festival was in the Bahamas where there was not enough infrastructure. Like, this was on the Las Vegas festival grounds.

It was a live nation thing. You know what I mean? Like, it was legit from the jump. But I loved it. I would love for, I would love to collab with that. if they do this festival again, I would love to be, like, a media sponsor. No, like, I want us to be, like, a dancer on the stage.

If anyone's listening, I want girls got to eat to be a media sponsor and I want to have three cabanas. Great, let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. I already worked out, like, what the class would be and what the promo package would be. Okay. So our agent was at, our agent was at the wedding.

We were out because he's hand his agent, too. And you guys were, like, locked in this conversation for like a long, I couldn't even get in there. And is how you guys trauma? We were talking about it a little bit, yeah. Because I'm just, this is, I still can't believe. like who I got to see at this. Like I couldn't believe how close I was to TLC.

They're my favorite band of all time. Like I couldn't believe I got to see Mace. And like at one point Mace just went Acapella and the whole entire crowd was singing the biggy part of Mo Moneymo Problems. Like everybody knew every word. I can't even make sense there. I didn't know he was like older.

So like everyone was just kind of like chill, keeping a classy. Like I was like these are my people. And I love Vegas now. I told you we have to go back to Vegas because I've got to see Magic Mike. I know you really want. Listen, we've never performed in Vegas.

I've turned a corner. on Vegas. I want to go back. I want to do a girl trip and I want to see magic Mike. Have I turned a quarter of Vegas? We'll see. And listen guys, as we get in a festival season, stay hydrated. Water. Can't recommend it. Raina, I was like, I had three drinks the whole day. All I could do was chug water. I was like, you got to take care of yourself. Like, you don't know me. It drains you. I won't do it. If you've been just, if you've been on straight alcohol, it's 100 degrees out. Like, you just, you got to take care of yourself, you guys. So stay hydrated. Check what you can bring to these festivals when you're going. You can bring a water bottle, whatever it is. Like,

figure out how you can take care of yourself if you're going to be out. there in these streets are in festival season. Water. Listen. I'm giving a PSA. People fucking pass out. We saw people at all the pluice that just pass out all over the street. It was crazy.

Okay, so you can't date a guy who's like not into music. Like, we'll do stuff. It doesn't understand this genre. Isn't like amped about it. I truly couldn't. I, so this guy that I was with during the weekend, he's like so cute and he's so wonderful. And you're like, did you hook up everybody? Like I stayed at his house after the wedding.

Like you left once to Las Vegas. him and I went home together. And I didn't go home with like a stranger. Like I was supposed my stuff was at his place. I was sleeping in his place. And he's so handsome and fun and wonderful. And I'm getting all these text messages from like you and our friend Marcello and like all the girls in the bachelor like get some get in there.

I woke him in the morning and everybody's like, did you fuck? And you're asking the question. I'm like, Ashley, he's a vegan. And I can't do it. I like I feel like I just, that's where I draw the line. Like you can be sober. You can be off of drugs. You can't be a vegan.

I just can't do it. It's so funny because like I was telling. him that everybody was sending me all these things. I was showing him on the LASJs. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't say anything on this podcast. I didn't say to him personally. And I told them, like, you're a vegan. I can't do it. It went to brunch the next day. We had like grilled cheese and lobster old. You couldn't eat anything. You're eating the fruit

cups in the water. Right. I can't do it. So I think he was like kind of flirting me last night and he sent me this video. And I think that what? Is it him like eating a burger? No. I'm going to die. It's the literal opposite of that. He was at the grocery store, buying himself dinner. He sent me a fruit

cup. And then he sent me this video. of what he bought. He was at Westside Market. I'm going to play it for you. Vegan sushi, vegan chicken salad, buckwheat noodles. Oh my God. I can't do it. I feel like that's the worst way to flirt with me is sending me all the vegan stuff you're going to have for dinner. Right. Because like this isn't like a funny joke. This is why you won't date him. This is his biggest red flag. I know. To you. I'm not saying it's a red flag. I'm saying like to me, you don't want it. I can't be restricted in my food world. But I did say to him if he wants to explore and like get some pleasure in his life. I'll take him to Chinatown. We can do a vegan Chinatown day. Can you do that?

Oh yeah. Asian food does that. You can do whatever you want. Well, Asian food specifically, it doesn't have a lot of dairy in it. So there's not a lot of cream, like cheese or anything like that. Okay. I happen to really like vegetable dumplings and things like that. So I could do a vegan Asian tour. So I'll work on it. I told you that I want Emily to take me on a Chinatown tour. I want that for you too. Because I don't know all the little like hole in the wall and the best places. Yes. New York City has the best food. other than like San Francisco, the best Chinatown. Absolutely.

Right. I have a question for you. So like, what if you met somebody and it didn't come up that they were vegan? Like you didn't know, you know, maybe you did just go out with them to Chinatown and they just got like a veggie meal and you didn't think twice about it. And then you like really fell for them and the sex was good and they drank. So it wasn't like sober vegan and like all this stuff. And then all of a sudden it came out that they were vegan. They hadn't been hiding it. you just hadn't brought it up.

And it just hadn't come up. Yeah, I mean, if somebody could fuck really well and they made me laugh, yeah, I'll look past a lot of things. I mean, I just joke around. I mean, Ashley and I say this all the time, and it's really how I feel. I don't want anybody that does anything all the time. It would stress me out if somebody had to work out seven days a week

and, like, that our entire lives revolved around their workout schedule. I don't want my life to revolve around your eating schedule either. Like, sobriety is the only, like, outlier because I think that's something that you've like really, it's so important. And, like, I think it's something that you do for your well-being. My ex was sober. I didn't care. But it's not my dream, but I would deal with it if they could fuck well.

Yeah. It's just, listen, my preference is vegetarian. I would probably heckle them until they became a vegetarian. Okay. Because I don't care. My dream is a pescatarian. Like my parents. Yes, like your parents is I don't care about meat that much.

Like, I want the option to have it sometimes, but I don't care. That's a good call. Yeah, that'd be so easy. Vegetarian, pescatarian, but it just is vegan. Yeah, it gets tricky. It's too restrictive and I don't want anybody that's do anything all the time. I don't want somebody that's like every Sunday I lay in bed and I never get out. That's what we do every Sunday forever.

Or somebody that's like every Sunday we go, we Peloton and then we walk, then we creaching shake and then a greenie. I don't want that either. Right. It is true. Like I want somebody with some flexibility. Yeah. So I want flexibility in your life.

Yeah. Could you date somebody that was, do you have like a thing that you feel like. Hip-Hop and didn't like 90s, 2000s and stuff up? No. I feel like that person isn't fun. Well, you would just made the distinction. No, I mean, it's like, it's this weird thing that I'm so passionate about. If someone didn't get it, I just don't think that would be my type of person.

Like some guy that's like, I only listen to heavy metal or like some country guy. It just wouldn't be, you know what I mean? Yeah, I think we talked about, like, we did this episode in June of 2020. We talked about like, are we too different? And like, is it that they have different hobbies or interest you or do totally different lifestyles? Like, I also wouldn't want to be the one to go to music festival every weekend. But it was, I was, you know, one of our guy friends came. The group was really fun.

I didn't say this before. but I basically went with like one friend of mine, another Ashley, and then more of her friends that I met there. I'd met one of them before, but they weren't like my friends. They were more her friends. And it was really fun. But now I'm on two group chats from the Bachelorette and from this trip that it's like, it's pretty overwhelming because it's nonstop because there's like 10 girls on one

and then eight girls on this and it's like a lot. Yes, we've gotten like 10 from the one group tag. Like how many new girlfriends could be in my life. But one guy went and he's a guy friend that I've known. for ever. He's Rob's good friend. You met him. He came to our holiday show, Nick James. And he, we ran around during the festival. And I mean, we're just friends, but like he shares the exact. He knows all the things that I know. He knows all the deep cuts. So it felt like we, like, I left a festival. I was like, do I like Nick now? Because we, we connected on such this thing that not

everyone is so obsessed with and so passionate about. And like, it's so fun to find that in somebody, even if it just is like a friend, like a girlfriend or whatever. Like it's so fun to have those things that you share. So for me that thing is food. I think like the more I think about it. Like that this guy that I was dating for a little while is an internet food person. So. That's such a good call. I feel like this is like what I'm getting at.

Like I feel like my thing is music and your thing is food. Yes. And I want all my trips to revolve around it. I want every weekend to revolve around it. I want to be like I want to go get Indonesian food in flushing queens. and I want you to come with me, and I want you to be, like, amped as fuck about that. I want to watch you cook.

I want to, like, watch you make social media content about cooking. Like, I think it's really sexy. That's my thing. And I feel like if our lives can't revolve around food, I don't want it. So that's my thing. I feel that's how I feel about music. It's like, I just don't, it's like you don't like this genre. Like, how could you like me?

Yeah, I agree. Like, you don't want to duet, Jarl Nishanti in the house? You don't want to wake up on Sunday morning and turn on some biggie, you know? Like it's just not going to be. That's your thing. I agree. So that has to be your thing. So maybe you and Nick James will be together. Okay. Last thing I wanted to say, I watched We Crash on. Wait, who? But Apple. Raina hyped it. I watched it. Absolutely loved it. Can I recommend enough? I don't know anyone that wouldn't love it. I feel like it's not too dark, but it's like dramatic. I mean, some of these scenes in We crashed feel like they're straight out of Wolf of Wall Street. You know, like it's just like this fascinating story. And the acting is unreal. Jared Leto and Ann Hathaway are incredible.

But I just, like, you know, spoiler alert, if you guys don't know the story of WeWork. It ends where he still is like a fucking billionaire. Well, that's what like sucks about a lot of these things. I mean, I guess that's just capitalism. I mean, that's what sucks about the Tinder Swindler. It's just like there's not a lot of consequences for these people. Like, I mean, I guess at the end of the day,

at least this guy did start the company. It's his idea. Well, to me, it's different than the Tinder swindler. are like, this guy, these people bought in. These people gave him money. He didn't steal it. I don't think you did anything wrong. He just made something wrong.

He did some weird stuff with the like investing. You know, like the... But what he was saying, I mean, again, I'm not an expert on New York, but he said like the board, the board voted on all this. There was no like... Right, right, right. They approved all this, yes. Like, there was no shady business practices.

Like, the other white men on the board voted for it to be okay. But yeah, he made like chaotic, crazy, and sane decisions. Yeah. But I guess at the end of the day, he still invented this concept. So, like, why would, he be like booted out forever? Yeah. It just is like this person drove this business into the ground. You know, all these people lost their jobs and he, that they invested their whole lives in and then

he gets to walk away with all this fucking money. Yeah. I just, I hate to see it. Yeah, that's probably like the most tragic part of it. It's like the people that worked there for like a decade and like trusted in. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, I really, I think anyone would really enjoy it. I mean, you're so invested. You watch the documentary. You read the articles and stuff like that. But I mean, even if you don't know anything about it, obviously you know what we work is, you would enjoy it. So recommending it again. I think that...

Piggyback and off range is rec. This year is truly like some of my favorite TV and shows of all time ever. Like, I think the dropout, the girl from Plainville, and We Crash are three of the greatest series ever created. Like, I think the acting is like earth-shatteringly good. Like L. Fanning and the Girl from Plainville, both of the leads in We Crash. Just like unreal.

Like, I can't believe anybody can act that well. So three of my favorite shows of all time have come out recently. We're so lucky. And then I do want you to watch conversations with friends. I finished it. Okay. It was. Yes, they are a partner of the show.

If you guys hear some on some of the older episodes, we injected it into an older episode. Should we address this? I don't care. Should we address this? You guys need to talk to you about sometimes. Like any other entertainment. platform, we have put ads into older episodes, like the ads come out, we put fresh ads in. So sometimes you might not hear the cleanest transitions, but, you know, once we go back in episodes

that are really, you know, years, months old, and put in current ads like anything else. Like when we were saying, like when you go back and watch a show from the 90s, they're not 90s commercials on television. Like, when you watch the office or friends, their current commercials. someone emailed and she was so confused. And it was like, it was so cute that she was like, wait a minute. I was listening to this episode from 2019, but I heard an ad for conversations with friends. And that premieres this week. Oh my God.

And I was like, yeah. I mean, you watch reruns and, you know. You stop. You hear. We're just trying to turn a buck, guys. Like everyone else. So anyway, if you ever hear something like that and you're like, wait, this is weird. That's what we're out here doing.

That's what we're doing. The person you wrote normal people wrote the book, Conversations of Friends. Normal People, Ashland, I loved it so much. It's so special. Same people did the show, too. Like, adapted it from Sally Rooney's book. Um, so it's a good watch. It's on Hulu. Oh, you guys can check it out. It's 12 episodes. They're 30 minutes long. Yes, I cannot wait to watch. I have not had a time, but I'm so excited to see it. And I'm excited to see Taylor Swift's Man in action. God, he's so hot. Is he so hot? Like, I haven't watched it. Like, I know he's hot, but, like, in the show, or even more attractive. It's astounding how hot he is. Like, the sex scenes are so hot.

Like I had to stop him masturbate. It's his body, his face. No one has a better face. What? He's so gorgeous. I never thought anything about this guy. Like I've seen him in photos of her. He's like a blonde guy.

He's a blonde guy. It's usually not your type. I know. He had like a big blonde beard and he's like shaggy blonde hair and he's so hot. I didn't hear Raina to get all gassed up for big blonde beard. Honestly, anybody with a beard at this point. No, he is so sexy. It's wild.

So, yeah, even if you guys just watch it to masturbate, I think the first sex scene is like five episodes in, four episodes in. So, you know, get in there. Okay, good to know. Rainer, are you, you want to introduce our topic today? So am. You're so excited about this. This was your idea.

What? I want to give you credit. So it's bad. It's my fault. Oh, my God. No, I'm just saying, like, you were like, let's, I mean, you come up with a lot of the episode ideas. So do you. Yeah, so we are going to talk about situations.

We've talked a lot about over the years. Can you make somebody commit to you? How do I get out of the friend zone and get into a relationship? I think situationships are this gray area. I think a lot of relationships are in the gray area. They're like really frustrating and can be really painful. And a lot of us get very caught up in like wanting to be the cool girl and not asking what we are.

And so I think it's easy to sort of slip into these situationships. So we're going to talk today about whether we've been in them. And if you can turn a situation, and it's a relationship and the dreaded DTR and how to get the fuck out of these relationships if you're in one. Also, we did an episode that was similar topic, but it was a while back. This is almost like a reboot.

We did, Can I Make Him Commit? Is that what it was called in 2018? Yeah, years ago. Yeah, years ago. So times have changed. I mean, they really haven't. Human behavior hasn't changed that much. But, you know, we're post-pandemic.

And some of these topics that we did so many years ago, we want to give fresh information too. And again, it's not going to be repetitive. It's not going to be the same. But some of the stuff are along that same lines will be. I feel like, and I was making notes for today, I want to walk back. I think that our advice is solid for four and a half years.

I'm really proud of everything we've done. But I want to walk back some of the stuff I said about, like, you know, if a man wants to see who he will, if a man always text you. I think that we should be in the driver's seed. I think that we deserve to ask for what we want. Like, I think that men get to decide, like, when we're in a relationship and when they say,

I love you first and when to move in together and when we get married. and I think that that's just like been how it is forever. Bella knows. And I so, like, if this podcast has taught me anything like over the years, it's just like, you got to put yourself out there and ask for you we want and you got to be ready for the answer or whatever it is. But like I feel much more in the driver's seat than I ever have. And I feel less sensitive about being in the driver's seat. It doesn't have to be this like mad. I'm angry.

You're going to give me what I want. Like I just, I feel more confident in those conversations than I used to. Yeah. I mean, you should ask for what you want, manifest what you want. and if what you want isn't aligned with someone else, then it's not the right fit. I agree. So do you want me to read a definition?

I want you to read definition and I'm going to pop off. Okay. So I just pulled one from Cosmo. We love Cosmo. I mean, a lot of these are the same. But situationships, aka ambiguous relationships with no label on them, have been around for a while now since beginning of time.

But the term is especially worth revisiting during a current pandemic times when everything is extra uncertain. The word situationship is mostly used to describe friends with benefits are people who are essentially dating but don't say they're dating or refer to the other person as their boyfriend girlfriend, girlfriend, partner. Situationhips are also sometimes thought of as emotional booty calls because there are likely

more feelings involved than just a cut and dry friends with benefits. If you haven't defined their relationship yet but are still sleeping with each other slash cuddling slash hanging out in a non-plotonic way, you might be in a situation ship. So I love that they address that this is certainly not a new phenomenon. You know, like we just come up with different words for the same shit. but I also like that that definition made mention of that it's more emotional than a just sexual booty call friends of benefits. Yes, I think that situation ships can have all the trappings of a real relationship and I think that they can be just as emotional and deep and you can feel just as

connected to somebody, but like you're confused all the time and you don't know what this means. And I'd like to read a couple bullet points I wrote and we're going to, we can just talk through them. But if you answer yes to three or more of these, you're probably in a situation You haven't defined the relationship. There's a lack of consistency. You only make last minute or short-term plans. You are not integrated into their life, i.e., they have not introduced you to their friends or family.

Maybe you go out with coworkers for drinks, but, like, definitely not family. Most conversations are small talk or dirty talk. There is no natural evolution or growth in the relationship. There are vague excuses for why they can't do things because they don't really feel that they owe you real explanations. There is no future talk, and you frequently feel confused. and anxious. Yeah. So I think that we are talking to people today that, like, are unhappy because I do think that I can't decide if situationship has a purely negative connotation because I think there is

definitely something to be said for casual, undefined relationships that work for both parties. Absolutely. I think this is about, like, we're talking to people today that really aren't happy with their situation, situation. But I think the first step is realizing if you are unhappy or not. I think at this couple, I was at a stand-up show doing crowd work. And I asked, you know, I was talking to the couples, like, where are you guys dating, whatever? And she answered first, she said, like, it's a situation ship. And she said it with confidence.

I don't give a fuck. Like, we, and I don't know, maybe she was in the driver's seat, truly. And he didn't want it. And he wanted to wife her up and she wasn't having it. Like, I don't know what was going on. But she certainly didn't give me the energy. Again, it's a stand-up show. So I don't know these people up on a deep level.

But she gave me the energy of like, we're just doing it. You know, like, we're here on a date, clearly. we're at a comedy club, so we're not just like after hours fucking booty call style, but like, we don't have a label on it and like, that's fine. Again, I could be reading way too much in this. She could have gone home and cried. But like, you know, but it's just, I think of that because I think that like a situation can be hell, like the confusion, not knowing what's going on.

But I think you have to ask yourself, like, do I actually want to date this person? Truly, like, take a step back and be like, do I want to date this person or do I just want to win? Do I want to be chosen? Is my ego talking here? do I just want to be somebody's girlfriend or somebody's boyfriend? Am I feeling pressure from friends, family, society, whatever it may be? Because that's the first step and then we'll move on from this.

But like maybe this is a person that being casual with is what you want too if you really think about it. Yeah, I think that, and I think that love is rare. And I think finding your person is really rare. And I think there's really a lot of merit to having a lot of relationships in between those phases. Like the guy that I was seeing for a couple months this winter on and off, like that was the perfect situation. I saw him a handful of times. The sex was fun.

The conversation was pretty surface level. But again, really fun. I met his friends. It was a good time. But I don't think either one of us ever expected this to go anywhere. And I think people were like, where is this going? I was like, I don't, it's not going anywhere. Right.

Like I love that you brought that up. And that's such a great example of exactly what I'm talking about. Where like you would ask him, what are you doing? He would say situation. And then ask you, you know, same thing. And you're both like, and this is what? I want. You know what I mean? And like, I think it's really, it's, it's a level of maturity and awareness to be like, this person isn't wanting to be my partner and that's okay. Because that's

okay with me too. Yes. Or when you go into it, saying to yourself, this person is not geographically desirable. This person is a different age range than I would ever have a serious relationship with. Like, this guy is coming here this weekend. I'll probably see him for a couple hours. And if I don't, I don't care about that either. Like, he's just something. that I enjoy a text from every once in a while. If we see each other, we would hook up. But I don't think he thinks anything more of it, I don't either. And I think if you're both on the same page about that,

then it isn't like this messy, painful thing. It can be really fun. Yeah. And I wonder sometimes I feel like this usually seems to me people are like, they're having a lot more intimacy, right? Like they're acting like boyfriend, girlfriend, but we're not. It's probably more of the thing. But again, before we even go into this topic,

ask yourself, like, do I want this person to be my boyfriend or girlfriend? Can I see that? And then you can go from there. And I think that there are certainly people who are really shitty and manipulative and there's fuck boys and everything out there. But then there's just some people that they're not in the right place. They're not bad people. The timing isn't right.

They don't want to be in a committed relationship. Or they just know you're like not the one. I always think of all we, I always think of Jared saying like guys think like, okay, well, we got the label. Now our boyfriend girlfriend, then next, move in together. Then next, get married. Then have children. Like the clock starts.

Uh-huh. So that's not such a hard and fast rule for everybody. the world. But he has explained that so many men think like that. And so they sometimes can hold that off as long as possible. Absolutely. And I think that we get really caught up in this like, I needed to find it right now. I need to know what this is and where this is going. And I think that sometimes it can be just because it's not now, doesn't mean it's never. And I met somebody I really liked a year and a half ago. It wasn't going to work out. And then I reconnected with him over this winter and we went out a couple times. And then I think it just wasn't going to work out because he gave me the ick.

but still not over. Like, the ick is like, it's not new. It's like, but I still laugh every time it like gets said so casually. It's new saying it. I mean, it's the perfect way to describe it. I remember Bella got the ick. Look at her now. Now she's, can I say that you're in love?

She's in love now. She's in love. So listen, it can be a long game. Bella, she's a champion. She's a lot. through the ick. No, she told him you're giving me the egg.

I'm doing an episode on the ick. The I'm an episode about the ick. We'll ask you guys what your icky as ick is. But I think, I love that you said that and I think sometimes

it is like a long game. Like there's this guy that I don't really think he likes me. Sorry. I know he likes me. He's just pretending he doesn't. He's played a long game with you.

He's playing. And I'm holding out because one. I'll get him. No, I think yours totally right about that. Like, my advice is also not to just try to be the cool girl and don't ask for what you want. I'm saying, figure out what you want and then let's figure out how to get it.

But be real with yourself about like, do I even want to be with this person? I think most situationships spiral into a, like, from a what is this into a situation because we're trying to be the cool girl because we don't want to seem needy and crazy. and like we're asking for it too much. We need you to define it right now. Like all women get caught up in this. And if you say you don't, congratulations, you're an outlier. Because like we all are like, well, I don't want to scare the penis by asking what we are.

And then he'll run away. But like, why shouldn't we be asking it? And if you let this go on forever, then somebody is going to rightfully assume that you don't want anything. And that you're fine with this as well. Because I think somebody, let's just, we'll say like men and women, why would a man change the circumstances of a contract when what they're getting is all the trappings of a girlfriend. You cook for them. You fuck them. You make plans. You're fun. And then you ask nothing of them. No one's going to beg you to define the relationship if they're getting

everything they want. I mean, it works both ways. I mean, this, I think more often than not, like, probably statistically in the world, this happens more with like women wanting the commitment and men not. But this happens too. Like, I don't know. I feel like you and I have situations where a guy wanted more than we wanted at the moment. And I held off as long as I can, you know, while you're enjoying what they're giving you without having to put a label on it. But if you want a relationship, truly. That's what you want. You're at that place in your life. You want a relationship. Then stop wasting your time with someone that doesn't. I mean, hands down. I think there's a couple ways. I think there are a couple things you can do. I mean, I think you can go on dates with other people.

Like, if you're in a situation with somebody, they're not defining the relationship. You're free to do what you want. As are they. They might already be doing that. So go on dates with other people, meet other people, flirt with other people, see how that feels. And of course, that person might be like, oh, wait, I'm jealous. I want to be with you. Or they might actually just like open their eyes and realize what's been in front of them all along. They want to commit. I think you got to figure that out of jealousy.

Because you don't want someone that commits to you to just purely out of jealousy. But also if the thought of dating someone else is so sickening to you because you're in love with the person you're in the situation. Then you got to address this shit. Yes. I think, by the way, I wrote this might as my notes also that like the perfect, you guys like when I say litmus test of whether or not you can move this situation into a relationship,

and say to them, I'm thinking about going out with other people, how would that make you feel? If the person's like, I don't don't care. I'm saying other people too. That's your answer.

Like, you don't even have to have the DTR after that. Because if that person doesn't care, then they don't care. And I think that if you say, how would you feel about that? If they're like, oh, well, this would really bother me.

And you can also say to a person, like, this is an exploding offer. You're welcome to say to a person. Like, I want you to think about how you'd feel about it. I'm not going to go suck a dick this afternoon on the way through the parking lot. Like, think about how you'd feel about me being with somebody else.

And if you feel really shitty about it, not because you're jealous or you've some possession. If you actually want to be with me, then tell me. Because I won't do it, but you have to commit to this if that's what you want. I guess. I mean, I don't know that I'd say it. Like, you have to commit to me if you don't want me to day other people. No, I'm saying, like, commit to moving this forward. Okay.

Like a forward future together. Yeah. Yeah. I think that you can always say, like, I'm looking for a relationship. I'm looking for a committed relationship and it doesn't seem like that's the direction this is going in. So I think I'm going to have to move away from this. I mean, that's kind of the ultimate answer, but you have to be ready to walk away. Don't go into that, hoping they're going to beg you to be with them.

Because they might, but they definitely might not. And then you cannot go back on it. They'll never respect you, would look at you the same way again. So, I mean, we've said that in the episode before and we've said it before of make sure you're ready to walk away from it. And when you get to your final breaking point, you have to say like, here's what I'm looking for. This doesn't seem like it's going in that direction. It's fine. I don't think you're a terrible person,

but I think I'm going to have to cut my losses here. And I think most people are not terrible people because they don't want to date you or be in a long-term relationship. And like you said, like, not everybody's in the place for it. There's a million reasons why somebody doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. And even like for probably like six months after my last breakup, I couldn't even imagine, it's not like I was so devastated and heartbroken. I just have the emotional capacity to like be bothered with another person.

So if somebody had said to me, like, it's commit to me or nothing, I'd be like, well, it's nothing, you know? And so I think that, like, we get caught up in this and you can acknowledge it and then hope for the answer that you want, be ready to walk away otherwise. Yeah. And I think this goes out saying, but like, don't let people that make you feel bad about yourself or feel like shit about yourself. Like, you don't want to be with somebody that treats you badly, makes you feel bad, bails on plans, doesn't respond to your text for days. Like, that's not a person you want to be with. I mean, it's so easier said than done.

But like seriously, if someone's really making you feel like shit, you hang out with them and you part ways and you feel anxiety, like this probably is just not a good person to be with. So keep them in your life. If the sex is good or whatever you're getting out of it, date other people and then eventually move on. I mean, I think that that goes out saying like be with a worthy partner. I think we all deserve to be with somebody who wants to be with us.

I think we all, I certainly have, get caught up in this like, but the connection we have is insane. and it's so funny and the banter we have is so crazy. Nobody gets me like this. Well, I don't know if you're confused and they don't want to be with you. Like, I don't know, are you willing to accept the crumbs they're giving you?

If the answer is yes, then that's fine. If you're like, I'm good. I'm good. I don't need a commitment. This like once a week check-in is good for me. Then great, stay in that. That's good enough for some people. But like, I feel like we get caught up in this like,

I'll never find anybody else that connect with this well. And like, you just will. I don't know how to tell you. Like, I've been in, I've been really deeply in love with multiple men in my life. they're all completely different. I've had situationships with many men in my life. All of them are different. All of them served a role. I connected with all of them for different reasons. Yeah. I don't think that you're never going to find somebody you connect with like this again.

100%. You absolutely will. I mean, it's, it might hurt. What's the alternative? Doing this for so much longer and then getting even more hurt down the road. Like, we've seen people like weighed out of situation ship for like a year and it's like, I don't know that it's worth it to me to be in that. You can do it if you want to, but I saw a friend of ours, like, waited out for a year. And it was just, it was tough to watch her just, like, accept it and accept it and accept it. And the paranoia and the anxiety and that feeling where you're like at work and you're never present. You can't go out with your friends about talking about. Everybody's like kind of sick of hearing this.

And it's like, I guess she like warmed down. But like at what cost to your mental health? I mean, I am so with you there. I mean, I have seen this happen to. And listen, Raina and are going to be real with you. Like she just said, we know a couple women who waited out. the situation ship and got a ring at the end of it. Haven't walked down the aisle yet, so we'll see.

But you can do it. But it's so true at what risk to your mental health. Like, I have watched women who were never medicated, never in therapy, have to be medicated in therapy. Nothing wrong with either of those things. I'm just going to put it out there because of men, truly. Because of the romantic relationship in their life. And again, I cannot say that, say it enough.

I don't mean that in a negative way. just saying that like these things came as a result of the anxiety and stress and the way that their partner or lack thereof situation ship instilled this sense of self-doubt and lack of self-worth and all these things. And it was like tough to see. If the relationship is the catalyst for you needing to go on medication, then you should gut trick yourself. Right. Is this person right for me? Because I think we all need to be with a person that like adds to our lives or get the fuck out of here. Like I want to walk away from a situation with you feeling good and I want to know I'm to hear from you again, and I want you to be intentional about seeing me. And it is really painful.

And like Ashley said, we have watched some of the most confident women I've ever known in my life, just like disintegrate from feeling like, I don't know if he's going to show up for dinner. I don't know if he's going to text me. I don't know. I have plans my friends for him to come. I don't know if he's going to come. Yeah. It is hard to watch. And I'm not saying I haven't been there. I've been there. It's fucking sucks. I mean, if I'm doubting that you're going to show up to something that we made plans, but I'm out. Because I will say that I've been in more situations than not where I'm dating someone. Like not boyfriend, girlfriend, we're dating.

I know what the label is. I'm not confused. I know what's going on here. I don't know if they're dating other people. I don't care now. Once I do, I'll try to find out or I'll have a talk with them. But like, I've been in so many situations where I dated someone and I knew I could rely on them to show up to make plans to text me back.

They were not my boyfriend. I was not their girlfriend. We weren't committed. There was no plans for them to meet my family. None of that. But we were dating and I felt secure in the dating. Yes. Well, I was thinking about your last guy that you dated.

I was thinking to myself, like, was that, was that a situation? And then I was like, oh, no, it's dating. We're just dating. We're going on dates. We're going out in the daylight. We're doing stuff. Like, we like each other. But like, I would say in college, I obviously, I think, you know, we've all had that.

I was so in love with this guy that just for years, just back and forth, never knew where we stood. I mean, never would say we were dating or even like boyfriend, girlfriend, of course. But it drug on for years. I'd see him sometimes. We'd hook up. And, you know, he would say all these things. He's not a bad guy. Just we were young, like whatever.

But could not rely on him at all. Like if it fit into his schedule. But then we would like hook up and just like lay in bed and cuddle. And I was like, oh, my God. I love him. You know, it was tough. And finally, it culminated in like, we saw each other out one night, like, in Atlanta after I graduated. We, like,

spent the night together, I think. And he said he, like, wanted to go out and, like, go on a date. And he, like, bailed on the date. And he had this, like, crazy excuse. And by that point, I was, like, working at the magazine in Atlanta. And I was like, that's it. Finally, it was enough for me. It had been, like, years. And I was like, he doesn't want to date me. Like, this terrible thing he said happened. It could have been true, but could have been not true. But regardless, he's not trying to make up the date. Like the answer to me is clear. It took that like, oh my God, it's finally happening. We're going to go on a date.

Like we're going to start dating. Like this is it. Like all these years of like the situation ship and like when he bailed on the date, I was like, I'm done. I'm out. I think it's nice to know what to draw the line, just cut your losses. And I think the older you get, I mean, it's not no shade to being young, but it's like the older I get the easier it becomes to do that.

And it's like, I feel like all the time. Like it's not because I'm such a bad bitch. It's just, I don't know, it gets easier for me as I get older to just be like to just read the room a little bit more and be like, okay, this person's done into me. Like, I don't believe that like it's up to the other person to ask you out, constantly, text you constantly. I'm a confident person. I'll ask you out if I want to go out.

I'll text you first. But I'm not going to text you more than twice without a response. I'm just never going to do it. I'm not going to try to make plans and get the ambiguous response of I'll let you know. I'm not going to sit at our office and wait for somebody to let me know if we're doing something. I'm not going to sit at home, all dressed waiting. I'm just, I'm not going to do those things.

And I always did that. Like I think about the first person I dated right after my family. not saying I broke up. He actually is a bad guy. So he's like a total sociopath, but I was crazy about him. And I think that he was so much fun with this deep connection. I mean, people that are sociopaths are incredibly charming. And we did all this really fun stuff, but I never knew if he was going to show up to anything. And I never knew if I'd hear from him. And he would tell me, like, the night before, like, let's go to this concert at Brooklyn Bowl or something. And then I'd be sitting at work at seven, like, waiting to hear from him. And you feel like such an idiot. Yeah. Because you're just like,

but we have so much fun together. Of course, they'll message me. And you just like, the minutes tick by. And And like you just feel so rejected. Yeah. Like someone that's doing that doesn't want to date you. And you know that because you've done it to people too. You know what I mean? Like they don't chase somebody that doesn't make you feel good. I mean, that just goes without saying.

Like I think there's such a difference between, again, like someone that is really, they're being kind to you, they're showing up for you. They're texting you back. They just don't want to label on it. That can suck too. But that's a different world than someone who is like actively making you feel like shit. and like crazy. Yeah.

And like I know, like so many of these guys, like you said, they're going to be charming, they're going to be funny, they're going to be hot, the sex is going to be good. But like at what cost? And again, this is why Rayne and I just say, like, figure out other things to do with your life. Cut the ties and like find something else to do. You know, take a trip, pick up a new hobby,

like do those things. Again, it feels easier said than done. But this isn't going to end well. No. And you can't game human behavior. Can you turn a situation, ship into a relationship? I don't know. I've never done it.

Anybody that was like treating me like this that I felt like, really unsure and ambiguous all the time. It never changed. It got better. Maybe you guys can do it. I never have. But conversely, every serious loving, committed relationship I ever had felt easy from the jump. It felt like somebody who was intentional, who wanted to show up for me. It felt like we were sharing really deep intimate things. My last relationship, I think we started seeing, we started talking like January. We started like actually seeing each other in March.

We didn't define the relationship until June. I knew that was my man. I knew we weren't seeing other people. I knew that like everything that he was doing was to like see me the next time and to make me feel good and to make me feel like he cared about me. I never felt like this was shaky or confusing for one minute ever. He just felt like he really wanted to be with me and I felt like we were moving forward. And when I think about all the best relationships in my life, they all feel like they were easy. I never like convinced somebody who was unsure about me to be with me. Right, right.

100%. I mean, long-term relationships certainly take work. I mean, marriages take work. Like relationships take work. They take compromise. they take patience. But we're talking about that very beginning. You shouldn't be questioning all this stuff. You shouldn't be so confused. And the reason why I say, like, ask yourself what you want about this too is like when you're younger, you're looking at everyone as like a long-term partner. Not everybody. I'm just saying like, I think it's natural to be like, could this be my husband? Could this be the love of my life? Like, we all want to be romantic and live in that space. There's nothing wrong with it. We've done it too. But I think you maybe grow up a little bit or your mind frame shifts where you're like, this could just be a fun person to date for now. This could be a, a fun person to take to this wedding in a couple months, maybe. Like, this could be good sex.

Look at somebody. Like, you know this person. You're in a situation. Maybe it's been a couple months. Like, really look at them and be like, is this the man I want to marry? Is this person got all the things that I want? Are they, you know, and when it comes to the way that they act with their family or their passions in life, it's like, is this what I want?

Is this like my guy or my girl? And if it's not, then just like, hang out. Unless, of course, they're making you feel bad about yourself. Yes. You know? If you make me feel bad about myself, if I can't concentrate in social situations, if every time somebody asks me about my relationship with you, it's some like caveat about like what's going on with us.

Like, I don't want it. I'm not interested in it. The older I get, the easier it is for me to walk away from this stuff because I just feel like no hard feelings, but that's not my person. And I think about, because I've been in some really wonderful, loving, incredible relationships, I think about like, what did that relationship look like? Or what are the relationships around me that I emulate look like? And does this look like that?

And if the answer is no, then I'm out. That's okay. We can maybe date in a year or something. But I'm not going to let you whelm around in my life make me feel unshaky ground at all times. Because I'm a famous person. You don't get to. I'm a bad bit.

Yeah. I mean, I think the, if you're really like, I feel like this is a good guy. You know, I really, for whatever reason he's just not wanting to commit right now, but he is, you know, consistent. I think the move is to, go on a date with somebody else. If you're really like, what can I do? I don't want to do the,

I want a relationship and I'm not ready to walk away, right? You're like, I'm not ready to walk away. I'm not doing that, which again, good for you for realizing that. Because again, you don't want to do that quote unquote ultimatum, but you're like, can I do anything? To me, it is like, going to date. Say you're going on a date. Yeah. Like you can gauge that. Like, we all know if it feels appropriate to be going out with somebody else. You know what I mean? So if it feels appropriate, just do it. If it doesn't feel appropriate, tell them, hey, you know, I met this guy casually, I met at the coffee shop, met him at work, whatever it is. And he, you know, asked me out, how do you feel about that? I, you know, I know, I know, I'm not totally sure what's going

on here. I like you or like spending time with you. But I mean, again, you know, we haven't made anything official. And I think, you know, can I? Not can I. I don't ask for permission. But like, I'm thinking of going on the out of the state. I wanted to run it by you. Mm-hmm. I think that's. the only thing you can do, and that's not for everybody either. But if you're like, give me something to do, that would be it. Yeah, I agree. Right. Yeah. I mean, if you don't want to have the full blown like DTR right this minute, I think that that's the perfect measurement of if that person wants to be with you or not. Yeah. And also, like, you can, you could have entered into this relationship,

having it been casual, and you can change your mind. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to say, like, I really like this person. And I do want a commitment now. And that is perfectly within your right to communicate that and try to get an answer. Because you might meet somebody when you're in your hoe phase and you're like, I'm just hoeing. And I've communicated that I'm just hoeing. Yeah. And you're like, wait, I want to be a committed ho.

I want you to hoe me up. So let me ask you. Like you're in this. So I, what I've changed my mind about after all these years is like, I don't want to be a passive person in my life. So if I want something I do want to ask for it, not like a you need to give it to me right now, but like I want to feel confident saying like, this feels like X and I want Y and let's talk about how we get from X to Y.

And if you don't want to go to Y, then that's cool too. But like I want to communicate my feelings. And I watched a friend do it recently. And she basically said to this guy, like, I think I'm developing feelings that I didn't really anticipate. And if you're feeling more of like a friend vibe, I just want to like talk to you about that and put that on the table. And I thought she did it in a really well good way.

She did it via text. I don't know. I mean, their relationship wasn't so deep and emotional. So I think text was fine. But I'm curious, like, what you would say. So, like, we're at the finish line. We're at the like, let's figure out what this is. I got a shooter, get off the pot. This is, like, really eating me alive. Like, what do you say to the person to figure out what you guys are? And do they want to move forward? I mean, God, every situation is different. I mean, I'm coming at it from a place in my life where I feel really confident. I feel really empowered. And I know I'll be okay without somebody been through massive heartbreak. So of you, you know what I mean? Like,

when you've been through a real heartbreak, things get easier because you're like, I'm going to be okay. Yep. You know what I mean? Like before you've really had that like soul crushing heartbreak, like, you are more anxious because you're like, what if I lose them? What if they don't want the same thing as me? Like, what if I get my heartbroken? Once you've been through it, you're like, I'll survive, you know? So to me, I mean, it's just honesty. Like, I think I would say I really like you, I've loved spending time with you. I'm not really interested in dating anyone else. Do you see this going in the direction of a relationship? Because I think that putting it on them is nice. Like, what do you, what do you see? What do you feel? Because it's not just like commit right now.

Like, do you see this going in that direction? I'm not saying that we need to put a label on it right this minute. Yeah. I think that's an easier way to lead someone down that road as opposed to tell me right now what you want to be. Totally. Maybe they haven't thought about it. Because maybe they're like, wait, I thought you were just hoeing. You know what I mean? Like, you flip the script. Like, I think it's like, do you see this going in the direction of a relationship? Because that's what I'm ultimately looking for.

Yeah. And I think you're, I'm so glad you said that about being able to change your mind. I feel like we don't say that enough. Like, well, I changed my mind. Right. In life, I changed the way I felt about something. Like, I've grown up. I don't feel the same way I felt about you a month ago.

I like you more now or like, whatever. Like, I don't want to date you or I do want to date you. Like, yeah, I have new information. like we've been through it. I changed my mind. Don't let someone ever shame you for changing your mind. Yeah, you can. And I love what you said. I love what you said. I love what you said. I don't need a label on this right this minute. I just want to see where you see this going. You don't need to tell me right now that you're my boyfriend. And you're also welcome to think about it. You know, I don't need an answer right this very second. But like you and I watched a lot of our good guy friends that are single, say to girls like I just don't see this going in like a relationship. way and one of my best guy friends in the world, like we're able to be friends today because he said to me, I don't want to be in a relationship. And like, it's scary to ask those questions, but I'm always happy in the long run that I at least got my answer because it allowed me to free myself from those situations. Like, I don't have to wonder what if. And I don't have to wonder if you're

going to call me if you're going to show up because we have defined whether you're going to do that now. And whether the answer is good or bad, I at least know what to expect. And if somebody says, like, I don't want a relationship and I don't want you to expect me to call you. And I don't want you to expect me to share intimate things. I'm not going to let you meet my family. Like, at least I have my answer. And that feels really freeing to me. The only thing I guess I want to clarify is like, I can see a world in which then the other partner is like, yeah, I can see that. But they mean like really far down the road. And you're like, well, wait a minute. For me, you know, marriage is not the goal. The family's not the goal. So for me, I'm a little more willing to be like, okay,

well, let's let's keep that in mind and keep hanging. But I think if you're like, I want to be in a I think you should say that too. And I don't think put someone on the spot, but like, if you aren't so chill about it, then don't pretend to be chill about it. And I think what you said is like almost like not a given, but like you can put your boundaries on the table and say what you want. Somebody can say like, I can see who that goes. And in a month, if nothing has changed, you can revisit it because you've given them

the contract now. Yeah. You said like, you're welcome to redline this. Here's what I want. I ask you what you want. Nothing has changed. My anxiety level is the same. the ambiguity is still here.

And I don't like it. And let's call this. But you've got to be willing to walk away. Yeah. I mean, I also think this is like it's going to go more into a conversation. Like if you're the one opening the conversation, like I think you'll know if they're just giving you a bullshit excuse. They're like, yeah, totally.

I could see this going that direction. Meanwhile, they're thinking like in five years. You know what I mean? Yeah. You'll feel that energy. Like I think if you tell someone how you feel about them, if they feel the same way, they're going to be enthusiastic. Yeah.

You would hope. Yeah, I think that you're going to get your answer pretty quickly. Like I think that most, listen, I could be wrong. Every situation is different. I think most of the time when something feels ambiguous and not committed, it's because the other person has created a scenario for you to feel like that. They want it to feel ambiguous. They do not want you to feel like they are committed to you

and they're going to show up and that you're going to meet their mom because you're not. And they're not committed to you. It feels that way because they have designed it to feel that way. Not because somebody's a bad person. It's just, you know what it feels like when it's not. somebody's into you. A hundred percent. Yeah.

Me saying like, could you maybe see this going forward? You know the answer. Right. But listen, maybe 10% of the time, you'll get a different answer. Like, Bella acts like she's not even into her boyfriend. Right. Well, maybe she was unsure. Yeah.

I don't think she was playing games. She changed her mind. Yeah. She changed her. Exactly. Exactly. Are we talking about her this old, that's who she's our muse? I mean, I also think I think of a little.

like what Andrew Heberman said is in what can you be consistent with. You know what I mean? Because I think that there are people who are avoidant as we discussed. And obviously it's going to be more challenging for them to commit. And I love that he, it's not exactly like, be my boyfriend or be my girlfriend. But I think you can say, hey, here's what I'm interested in. Like, what can you commit to? What can you be consistent with? Especially if you're dealing with somebody that seems to be avoidant. Yeah. And if somebody says like, this is what I can commit to, then you, you can take it or leave it, like as long as you have the information. Yeah.

Because, I mean, to me, I have got to be able, I have to know what's going on. I have to be able to rely on somebody, know that we're going to make plans. Like, they don't need to be so far in advance, but like, I got to know what's going on. I'll just fucking call you in the phone and be like, what's going on. You know, like, I don't think that's abnormal. I think a lot of people want to know what the fuck is going on. Like, you might be a way more spontaneous, laid back, easygoing person. And that's totally fine.

great for you, which I could say the same. But for me, there's no harm in being like, hey, I'm busy too. I got stuff going on. I mean, I've said that to guys before where it's like, hey, no hard feelings that doesn't work out. But like I just need to know I'm trying to plan. It's not fair. Like I'm not hitting them with like, it's not fair.

I'm just like, hey, yeah, I'm not existing in this world like this. It's fucking bullshit. Tell me what's going on. Yeah. And then if someone isn't going to commit to hanging out with you, A, you're not a priority, unless of course it's some crazy thing their company's about to IPO. But you're probably not a priority.

If they have a bunch of shit going on, they've got a sick family member. Like, you know, let's just say there's nothing insane going on. Everything's pretty normal in their life. Their company's going to IPO. Ashley's watch me crashed. Listen, we're IPO.

The company's going to IPO. Listen, if your partner's company is about to IPO, listen, they can't prioritize you and that's just what it is. But make other plans. And this is how you train someone if they're even trainable, if they even want to be with you, they will start to be better about it. Like I dated a guy that I knew he liked me. He was bad about committing to plans. He's just,

he's kind of weird. It's what it is. So I kind of had to tell him, because I felt very confident that he liked me. I knew we liked each other. I had to be like, hey, like, I just need a little more advance and like knowing what's going on from you. And he was like, I got it. Like, I know I'm really bad about this. I'll try to be better. Let's be more communicative about when we're hanging out. Yeah, otherwise I'm going to go live my life. I think about that episode from years ago, like how do I make him commit? I could sub them that up in 30 seconds.

You don't. That's it. Like you just go live your life. You go live a life that you're excited about. And like, we have a guy friend that went and stayed with this girl for the weekend. And he was like, she's really beautiful and fun and sexy,

but like she had nothing going on. I was surprised he even said to me. He was like, I just felt like she didn't have any like hobbies or interests. And we just sort of like hung around the house all day. And there was sort of like not a lot that she had going on. He was really, like, turned off by it. He was like, because I just want somebody that has, like, shit going on.

I think we all want a partner that has stuff going on. Like, it's so sexy. Like, how do you make somebody commit to you or get out of the situation? Like, go live your life and have cool stuff going on and have the person on the outside go, like, I got to be a part of that. Every guy, no, across the board, every single guy wants a girl that's got shit going on. If they don't, it's a huge red flag. They want some submissive stay-at-home girlfriend. You don't want that.

any guy that you want to date wants you to have stuff going on. They don't want them to be the only thing that you're interested in. I can say it with 100% certainty. Any guy we'd have in the studio in that chair right now would agree with me. So if your life is not full, if you're not excited about, if you don't have hobbies, you don't have friends, you're not there doing stuff, that's okay. Now's the time to make a change.

Figure it out. You're going to be so much more attractive to any potential partner, male, female, whatever. So if you are like, I really don't have. much going on besides dating, trying to find a partner. Maybe we put dating in the back burner for a minute and figure out some of that other stuff. Yeah. Because it's really going to serve you long term and you're going to live a happier, more fulfilled life. No one wants to feel like their partner has to come out with them to all their social events. Always is to come after work parties. They can't

take trips without you because you got nothing going on that like every time they go out, you're just sitting at home waiting, counting the minutes. No one wants this except for fucking weirdo people. And I mean, I don't know who you are, but It's not attractive to me. I don't think it's attractive to anybody. But yeah, I just like to close, I want to just acknowledge how shitty and destabilizing these type of situations can feel

because I have watched some of the most confident women I've ever met in my life just be like leveled by this. So it does suck, but I think that it will feel less sucky and crazy if you just get into the driver's seat a little bit and feel like you've either like created stuff outside of this person or you ask them like what's going on here and what do you see the future look like? Yeah, you can be in control of the situation.

go out and live your life, going to date with somebody else, plan a trip, whatever it is. Listen, if you are in a situation ship right now, there's no better time to figure this out or end it. We are going to the summer. It's not even Memorial Day yet. This is the time. People have trips coming up, all kinds of stuff.

Every summer is hot girl summer. Do you feel me? This is the happiest time right now. This is the time when everybody is so excited. The weather's changing. This is good. This is not January. I'd be like, listen, just let's keep doing what you're doing.

You know what I mean? Like, you want someone to, like, order food and it's cold outside and it's snowy. Like, that's not what we're dealing with. Like, don't let this situation ship that you're unhappy with go through the summer. Fuck now's the time. Glow on up. Yes. Get on out there.

Wear something slutty. Yes. I've been working out. I almost have a jawline. This is right now. Shut off. You're beautiful. Like, this is the time.

Get your tan on. Like, there's no better time for the person that is situation shipping you to shit or get off the pot than right now. You don't have time for it. It's about to be something. summer. It's situation shipping you. So anyway, that's my motivational speech. If you're dealing with this right now, lucky you that it is end of May. You can take those titties out on the streets, get out there. Yeah. So that's it. I think that's it. That's it. Have a great Memorial Day weekend.

We've lots of great shows coming up. You can also grab tickets for the Toronto show that we have coming up on June 4th. Yep. There still are a couple tickets left for that. So please grab that. our shows are the best night of your life. They absolutely will be. And listen, you want to be single these shows. And this fucking situation ship, if they're not, give what you want. And you can find everything you need at GirlsGuardiapodcast.com. Tickets to Atlanta, Charlotte, Boston, and Philly will be on sale the day this episode drops.

The 23rd at 10 a.m. Eastern Time. Presale from Montreal will start on Thursday, general, on sale on Friday. And then also on Friday will be tickets to Nashville. Again, this is all on our website. Click on Live Shows. sign off the newsletters. You can hear all this information first. Get merch, wear them to live shows, and follow us. I am on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, at Ash Hess.

Raina is on Instagram at rena.org. We are girls underscore got to eat on Twitter. And that's it. We'll see you next week on Memorial Day. Have a good week, guys. Bye.