Girls Gotta Eat - Are You Threesome Material? feat. Comedian Marie Faustin

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

We have the hilarious/beautiful/savage Marie Faustin join us to discuss everything from threesome propositions to pegging fantasies to why she doesn't want a boyfriend. Subtopics include: Cowboy boots, broke dudes, and gay porn. We bring back "Is This Weird?" with some doozies, and also catch up on our latest (mis)adventures with guys and the foolproof way to know if someone isn't into you. Enjoy! Follow Marie on Instagram @Reeezy and check her website for show dates and more info. Follow us @GirlsGottaEatPodcast and check our website for show dates and merch. Thank you to our partners for this episode: Postmates: Download the app and use code GGE for $100 of free credit for your first 7 days. ThirdLove: Go to thirdlove.com/gge to find your perfect fitting bra and get 15% off your first order. ModCloth: For 15% off your purchase of $100 or more, go to modcloth.com and enter code GGE. One time use, expires 10/5/19. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

dare you and your flaccid penis say that you love me. So if somebody says they love you, you need them to be all hard up. Rock hard. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Reporting from Portland. Reporting from a living room cottage in Portland. So we're in Portland.

We are. Got a show tonight. We do. We've sound check in an hour. No, 45 minutes. Yeah, we are, had to bring our. sound equipment on the road. We've got the control center.

It's been, last time we did this was Christmas at your mom's house. Oh, yeah. So we did in L.A. We did. Oh, yeah, that episode. Okay. Anyway, but it's just us. Well, no.

Okay. We have Marie Faustin coming in later. We recorded with her in New York. She's not coming into Portland to record with us, but she's a hilarious comedian. We had a lot of fun with her, but we wanted to make this intro as timely and relevant as we could. So we took it.

on the road. Yeah. We did two shows in San Francisco. God, I love San Francisco. Yeah. Those shows were so crazy. I love Cops Comedy. It's one of my favorite places we performed. I just love them. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The venue manager. Cody. Raina, we've given Cody too much airtime. Cody probably had like a full-blown threesome orgy after the show. He looked at one of the fans, at least one of the nights. Yes. We gave him a lot of attention on stage, I mean, and in the green room. And then I think he did. I think he got his. He definitely got his. But anyway, we love San Francisco so much. It's like a second home. Yeah, we stayed at a cool hotel in Fisherman's Wharf called Hotel Zoe. I've stayed there before,

which is why we stayed there again. I just thought it was like a cool property and really centrally located. And we love waking up and walking along the water. So location's great. Yes, Hotel Zoe was great. The water in the lobby was on point. So I judge every hotel by the water in the lobby. the presentation, taste, and availability. All three, they nailed it. Tastes great. It was there 24-7. You know a lot of times they put the water away at night.

And you come in, that's when you need it most. Absolutely. Three o'clock in the morning. I don't need strawberry water at 10 o'clock. That's what I'm saying. It was there the entire time. The croissants were on point. Everything was great.

Hotel Zoe, Fisherman's Wharf. We love them. Thank you for being our home in San Francisco. Yes. I left Ashley to go to Swan Oyster by myself. Well, she did work the last day. my favorite restaurant. So if you're there, check it out. Creep on everybody. Anyways, we have a lot of cool shows coming up. Stupid live shows.

Yeah, sorry. I always forget how stupid they are. Yes. Yeah, sorry. San Francisco, you guys were extra stupid. Extra stupid. Especially the second night. Oh, my gosh. Whoa. All right. Well, we can't talk about what happened because it's stuff we do. You know, it's surprise. Surprise shit. Yeah. Extra stupid. If you were there, you're welcome. If you're there, you know. And if you're not, shut about tickets. If you're reading this, it's too late. But the shows are really fun. They're off. They're all like, everybody's drunk.

It's a fucking laugh riot. It's just a comedy show. It's a ton of fun. Bring your friends. Get drunk. Have a girl's night. Yes. That being said, they are the month of July.

I'm going to do the first half. You do the second half. July 12th, three days after my birthday. Atlantic City, July 14th, five days after my birthday, Phoenix. I'm just kidding. Denver, July 15th. Six days after my birthday. July 17th.

July 16th. is sold out, but you can still get tickets for the 15th, and then July 18th, Salt Lake City. Yeah. And then Toronto, 36 days after my birthday on July 23rd. Did you just do that map? You didn't do the math. I did. Random number.

At Montreal, 37 days after my birthday, July 24th will be the just for last festival. That is a really cool festival. You guys can get tickets to, like, starter, like a compilation pack where you get like three or four shows. I think that's what it's called. It's different than our normal shows because it's part of a comedy festival. So you can get discounts on show tickets if you buy them together.

So lots of people will be there who have been on our show before. Emma Wilman and Mateo Lane. Yeah, probably more people than that too. So just, yeah, check the lineups. Very worth going. Toronto is really close to being sold out. So if you have not gotten tickets,

really get on it. Yeah. 130 left as of right this moment. As of right this moment. All right. Yeah. So anyways, back to our. lives on the way here before we got to San Francisco, you were in L.A. And I, I did a great week while

mom was out of town. I laid out every night. You laid out every night, every day. And I drank every night. What, like, I don't let you do that. Yeah. I just, girls went wild while mom was at town. Yeah, you guys know. I usually keep brain all cooped up. I don't let her live her life. Ever. Don't let her be, I don't let her fuck her neighbors when I'm in town. That's why I have to fuck the guy in my building because like now you don't know about it because you're not there. This is not accurate. But we have talked about this when like one of us is out of town. The other one feels like, ooh, the boss is out of town.

Yeah. Like when you were like when you were away in Cuba, I was like, oh, she's out of town. I don't have to do anything. Literally. I couldn't even get a hold of me if you wanted to. Yeah, I went to L.A. Also, let me just say this. I have been like setting up my hinge just in these different cities just for research and

just to see. And maybe I'll see somebody that I like and I want to meet up with. And I didn't do it in L.A. I just kind of forgot. and there was guys there that I was interested in, like, IRL guys, but Portland and San Francisco, I mean, they're swarming. Like, if you, once you leave New York City,

I can't stress this enough. You, like, remember that you're a desirable woman. Portland, I can't keep up. I mean, they're all, like, bearded fellas. Every guy I've seen in Portland's been hot. Yeah, it's just, even the guys in L.A. We're hot or whatever. We're moving.

Whatever. We live here now. But I just got to say that. Like, I didn't know that you could change your hinge location. And then I'm like, well, yeah, you can. You can change it wherever you want. So what I'm going to do before we, get to Denver, I'm going to like change it like a week out, just start getting those matches in.

Oh, I didn't know that. You could just change it wherever you want. I'm done with New York. I'm doing the Katie Storino method. I mean, I only fuck in my building, the people in my building or in other cities now. In other cities, out of state. Yeah, I went to L.A. I was there and then I went to San Francisco a few days prior, did some wine country stuff with my girlfriends, L.A. I just, do you feel like I need to update you guys about going to Poundown Town or as Rana calls it? Bangtown. Bangtown. Bangtown just has has a better ring to it, you know? I know it's called pound-tap, but like bang-town is fun to say it. I just

hear William Hung like, she bang, she bang. Yeah, I have a whole song about it. Bangtown. So, yeah, I know you guys probably care. Didn't make it to pound town. I mean, I went on myself. I don't know if that counts. Went to work out of town. I don't know. But yeah, I don't know. I don't really care. Like I said that I was meeting up this one guy. We met up. We kind of like a late afternoon, early evening, happy hour drinks, but then I had to go meet up with friends. He had to go do something. I was kind of like, all right,

it was kind of like friend vibes. The other guy that I had mentioned there, I guess I'm to blame too. I didn't even tell him I was coming. I was like, he'll see my Instagram story and he'll slide in there. And sure enough, he did. And he was all upset that I didn't tell him I was coming.

And I was like, okay, like this could happen. So we started to kind of try to make plans. That night, he invited me to come meet up at some bar. I had plans with my girlfriend. By the time I was done with my plans. he was like headed home. It was 10. I was like, hello.

From New York City. Like we stay out late. Well, it's a Thursday. I go to bed at 9. You would go out if you thought you might get laid. Absolutely. So, and then the next night. It's my superpower.

You know that. Exactly. I'll stay out to 3 in the morning if I think I'm going to have sex with somebody. That's what I'm saying. But maybe he didn't know. I don't know. And then the next night, I did extend my trip. I want to talk about that in a second two.

But the next night I actually went to a comedy show. Mateo was on the show. So it was so fun to see him there in L.A. I went to the show. and then I was going to meet up with this guy after that. We kind of already talked about it later in the day. And then he was just like, oh, I'm just like not feeling great. I'm just like going to stay in.

I'm like, all right, I'm done with this. Friday night is 9 o'clock, 9, 9.30. Like I can say that I didn't really fully prioritize making plans with him. I didn't even tell him I was coming. But I mean, it's Friday night. I'm wanting to meet up. It's like 9 o'clock. That's not too late.

And like, I don't know. I just was like, that's all I really need to know. Even if you're just like not feeling 100%, you should want, if you like somebody, you want to meet up with them. I just think it's crazy. I'm like, you, I mean, if a guy, any guy wants to stay in and like watch office reruns rather than like try to fuck a girl in a nice hotel at the beach, that's not guy for me. Yeah, we say it all the time.

If like he's not making time to see who he doesn't like you. And like what I like the you did, you just lived your life. You were like, all right. I see he's not prioritizing it. Because I, we talked about this in the car earlier. Like when I was growing up, I guess, you know, high school college, I was the kind of girl that a guy would make like quasi plans with me. And I would take a shower and sit at home the entire night, like

on the whim that he might hang out with me. Yeah. I suffered from that for a long time. Yeah, you know, I'll just be out. I'll see. And it's like, that guy's not making plans with you. Yeah. And I just didn't proactively go make other plans. And I like that you did that. And you were like, okay. Not prioritizing me. I'm not going to prioritize you. And I just, you know, I guess I kind of like to self-reflect too where I'm like, he was like, hey, we're going to this bar, come meet up at eight. I was already headed to West Hollywood to meet a friend of mine. I guess I could have been like,

okay, and turn the Uber around. But I was like, no, I kind of already made these plans. I don't know. So we just kept kind of missing each other. And then I was just like, eh, at the end of it, you don't want to see me that much or you'd get out of bed. It's Friday night. What are you doing? So I'm, you know, you, I mean, you guys know me. If a guy doesn't like me, I don't like him. So it's done. He was like, well, next time I'll make it up to you. I'm like, oh, no, this is done. Right. What do you mean next time? It's over. I live in York. You live in LA. This is over. Yeah. But I wanted to talk about this because this was a revelation that I had. I was in LA. I was only going to stay there two nights. I saw Nicky Laser Taper Special. That was wonderful. Andrew Collin was there. And then I had one more night and then I was going to leave and go to San Francisco. And I just woke up. I had to go catch my flight. I just went out to the beach. I had some coffee. And I was literally walking back to get my suitcase and fly to San Francisco. And I was like, I just don't want to leave. The weather is beautiful. I would rather stay one more night here. I'm going to grab a hotel on the beach. And I'd been in Airbnb, so I was just like, I'm going to stay in my favorite hotel in Venice Beach

and just cancel my flight, buy a new one, and do it. And I did it literally with like, I'd already checked in for my flight. I just was like abandoned it. I was like, sorry, Delta. And got a new flight, got the hotel last minute on hotel tonight and extended my trip an extra day. And I had such a good time. I like hung out on the roof. I was, I had a nice lunch up there. I read my book. I went and met up with friends. I went to the comedy show. That was that night. I just had this great time. I was so happy that I did that. And I just was like, I'm so happy to be single and just do whatever the fuck I want whenever

I want. Like, I just am thinking back to guys I dated like where I'm like, one of the guys I dated seriously that I traveled with, he wasn't spontaneous enough. He would have been like, no, we're not doing that. We're not just going to like throw away our flights, buy new ones and stay another night. The other guy dated seriously that we traveled together. He would have been like, no, I can't afford it. You know, like, so I'm just like, I just, that's, I felt so happy to be like up on this

rooftop, like reading my book, having a margarita, eating tacos, by myself. and looking out at the beach and Venice Beach and being like, I'm just so happy to be single and live my life every single minute doing exactly what I want. I think there's something really nice about that and there's something really confident about that because I think that like a couple years ago I probably would have let that situation that guy really eat me. And I would have been disappointed and sad and been like, why does this guy want to hang out with me? And it's like, you were like, I don't know.

I have money and I am creative and I'll find cool fun stuff to do. And I get to like live my life and have this like whole fun thing. And I think that like that just speaks to like confidence and liking yourself and having hobbies. And I think that that's awesome. Yeah. And just like not relying on guys to make your trip worthwhile, I guess. Or make anything worthwhile. Like it's always such a good time.

I hung out with all my girlfriends in L.A. And did fun stuff, went to comedy shows and had alone time too, like on my own schedule. So I don't know. I just had this kind of emotional feeling when I was up there by myself of like, this is great. Well, I think it's pride too. I mean, I think it's nice to get to an age or you've worked your whole life and you can afford to do nice things for yourself and you, like, set up this like friend group for yourself. I think it's, you know, you should be proud of building a life like that.

And that's not to say, like, I think when you're in a relationship too, it can enhance situations like that. Like I think about like my best friend Kate, who I was with in wine country this past week. Like if her and her husband are on the same page, like if they both are in a place that they love and they're like, you know, let's just like blow off our flight and stay here another day. They both would and they'd be like, this is why we're married. And I think situations can, this isn't to say that you don't get to do things when you're in a relationship. I just want to make that clear. But it's like,

those are also very telling situations where you're like, I want to do this thing and this person doesn't and they're holding me back. And that's when I do like appreciate being single. It's not that she's not shitting on being in a relationship. It's just like, I'm in an age or I'm proud of myself. I'm confident. And I'll like live this really cool life. And I don't need to sleep with some random dude in L.A. to like find value in my trip. Right. And like once I realized I wasn't mean up that dude, I like came back to the hotel and ordered fries and watched Sex and City reruns. I was like, this is a great night. That's really all I need in life.

I just want like a little bit of male attention. I think I feel like I have a couple of people like orbiting me that I like, every time I go back to a hotel night, I order French fries and I put on sex in the city and I like DM back and forth with some random dude. And then I'm like satiated. Why don't you talk about it? I can feel it bubble it up inside. Okay.

I've been dealing with this guy for like a while. A couple months. Months, yeah, a few months. He's a good looking guy. Not years. This isn't like a catfish thing. No, like I've been talking to this guy for eight years. we've never met.

We've never met. He's never come on our show before. Oh. This guy is very good looking. He is like my number one orbiter. It is so crazy. So every week around Wednesday, he starts texting me,

baby, I miss you so much. I mean, actually, but this happens literally every week. It's so wild to see. I just want, you know,

I wish I could put my lips on your lips. I miss you. I mean, he's such like a clown. It just makes me laugh. Like, so I don't think he's like being serious. I mean, sort of serious.

Every baby, I miss you. week. What's your plan this weekend? I know you're so busy. Can I see you on Sunday? Every week I say yes. And every Sunday passes and I do not hear from him. And then on Wednesday we just reset like Groundhog's Day. It's so crazy. Every week. Like he gets full men and black memory erased and he just starts to back up. Every single week. Wednesdays, Miss you baby. He always keeps, he keeps telling me how busy I am. That's what he does every Wednesday. He's like, I know you're so busy. I know you're running around. I keep being like, I'm not, I don't do anything. I'm literally the most.

unbusy person on earth. He probably sees you traveling and stuff. I don't know. I leave the city once a month. The other 28 days a month, I literally lay out from noon to three. I get drunk. I maybe sleep with somebody in the building. I'm thinking that. That's it. This situation is extreme. Okay. You know, like I think I would like to know if anyone has had a situation this wild. Because there's guys, I don't know why he does this. I don't want to give it too much away about this guy. He's done this to another girlfriend. We know where she was like into him. and she was like, yeah, we have plans for Sunday. I'm sure they won't happen.

Sure enough, they didn't. Like, it's, he just, he needs the attention. Yes. And I don't think, like, there's something really gratifying when you finally know that about somebody that, you don't have to feel bad about it. You're like, yeah, I know exactly what this is. I'm not, every time he texts me, I'm not like, oh, my God. Yeah, I'm so excited.

I'm like, oh, my God, how far can I take this? Like, it's so funny to me. Right. Like, you don't really like this guy. No. You might fuck him or whatever or not. But if this was happening, and you really were interested in this person,

you give people one chance like that. You give a guy one chance to hit you up midweek, let's make plans for the weekend, and then he never follows through. Give him one more chance. If he does it again, fuck this dude. He doesn't like you. He doesn't like you.

This dude doesn't like me either. You know what I mean? Like, this guy doesn't want to seriously... I'll explain to you why. I know he doesn't want to seriously date me. But he doesn't want to seriously date me. And you're so right. Like, I have another friend who, like,

same situation was like sort of texting back with this guy. And he's like, yeah, we should hang out on Sunday. And she's like, yeah, let me know. know she doesn't hear from him by like Friday she's like ah she check in she checks in he's like yeah you know I'll touch base never hears from him and it's that's that dude doesn't like you right I mean he might find you I don't want to like completely put everybody down that doesn't mean that they don't like you as a person think you're worthwhile pretty smart fun whatever they don't want to date you right or there's like a bunch of other girls in the rotation I just want to read this

meme this made the rounds a couple weeks ago and we loved it I saw it in a bunch of different accounts I was obviously probably from someone on Twitter but the meme was if they like you, you'll know, if they don't like you, you'll be confused. It is, nothing has ever been more accurate. I can't, like, whenever a girlfriend or I guess a guy friend too, whatever, anybody that comes to me with a situation that they don't know what's going on and they don't know how someone feels, I'm just going to say that. Are you confused?

Get out. Yeah. You know? Or you can try to see it through. I've seen crazier things happen, but they don't like you enough. like you, you'll know it. You'll know it. And I wouldn't prioritize it.

And that's the best advice I would say. It's like, you're not a priority to them. Just like, I'm not a, you're not a priority to that guy in L.A., and I'm not a priority to this dude. But he wasn't a priority to me. Yes, but I'm saying, neither of us are prioritizing them either. But that's a healthy way. Like, you're not a priority to him and I'm not a priority to this dude.

But that used to eat the shit out of me. It would kill me. I would stay home all night. It would be 11 o'clock at night. I'd just be sitting there like, maybe I should take my makeup off. But like, what if they text next 15 minutes? It's like bargaining with myself how late I could go out.

And now I'm just like, I don't know. If you don't want to make plans to me and follow up, then fuck you. I don't care. But he really doubled down. Some crazy shit Memorial Day weekend. Oh my God. I was at a thing. The whole weekend.

Mom and wine country with my girlfriends. And I'm like, when I saw this came through, I mean, it sobered me up. I was like, what just happened? Mom was away. So he decided that was the time to put his dick on the table. Really put the dick on the table. he sent me 9 o'clock he was like hey what do you have to I was like nothing spent the day in brooklyn just got home what do you up to he was like oh send me a pick I didn't send a pick less than

three minutes go by and he sends me a pick and I open it it is a hard dick pick oh my god big hard dick in his hand I have never even held hands with this person no you've found them one time yes that's it you've been in the same room together twice right like dick pick are you to You're a 9 p.m. dick pick. So wild. And then I didn't respond and he wrote, oh, well, I thought I'd take a shot. Why? Don't take the shot.

It's so crazy because also he sent it through Instagram, right? He was like a DM. Yeah, he's smart. I don't want like a phone dick. That was smart. At least I couldn't screenshot it without him knowing. I wish you would have. I think that's fine.

You're allowed to screenshot that. Like what's, you know, like you sent a dickpick? Yeah, what's you going to do? What's you mean? What did you screenshot that? It's like, why did you send it? Right. I love that it.

It's like he had it ready to go and he wanted to send it so badly. Like, I can totally more understand a situation that he was like, send me a pick and you were like, no, you send me a pick. And then he sent it.

But the crazy part is he asked you for a pick. You didn't say anything. And he was like, well, never mind. Literally, he like he didn't even three minutes went by tops. And then he sent it and he just goes, I took a shot.

Don't. It's so crazy. Don't take a shot. You don't even want to hang out with me. You're sending dick picks? I don't know. I wouldn't have been able not screenshot it hands down.

I was like that's when I was on dating Abriah. I kept getting trouble for screenshoting. I screenshot everything. I would have just like, it was one of, I was so shocked and dropped. I didn't even know what to do. Your reflexes weren't fast enough.

It wasn't. I would have. I mean, you just, it was a nice dick too. Yeah. But did he say anything after as he addressed it? He apologized to me the next day.

He was like, I might have taken that a little too far. I was like, um, you think? All right. Well, here's what I can't wait to say. Okay. If your regular routine continues to have. happen or did this embarrass him out of doing it?

Like, is he post-Dick-pick hitting you up this Wednesday? Yeah, guys don't have any dignity? I don't know. Guys aren't like, oh, I can't even if I did that. They get embarrassed, though, I think. Not that guy. That's fair. That guy does not have dignity.

He's no shame. He's too good looking up dignity. He's like, I don't care. He said 17 dick picks today. What do I care? If he's doing that with you, if a guy is, like, hitting you up once a week, being like, going to see you and then not following up, that guy's doing that with 15 other girls.

you are not special. Right. I am not special. Oh, man. I wonder if I have all these dudes right now in my hinge from all over the West Coast or the Pacific Northwest. Like, I just wonder if I can get a dick pick. That's your challenge for the rest of the day. That's a challenge.

I challenge you, Ashley, to get a dick pick. This guy just straight up, I said the hallmark of a good relationship is same taste in memes. That's one of my like prompts. And he first opener, literally the first thing he said was, what's your number? Can I send you some memes? Do you think that means can I send you a dick? What if I just said in my number back and I was like, I'll take a dick pick. No means necessary.

Are guys in the Pacific Northwest that bold? I think they're boldly hairy down there. That's really what I want to see. You think they're not sending a dick pick? Every guy I've seen has a beard. So I'm just like wondering what's going on down there. It's more like research. Yeah.

Like can you even see it? All right. Well, if you're from the Pacific Northwest, your man, please send Ashley your dickpicks. You know, I love bushes and trees. We want to see your dick beard. Ashley is a horticulturist. Arborist. I don't know what that. I can't say that word. It's about trees. Rayna didn't know I love trees and we like pulled into Oregon like from the airport like welcome to Oregon. I just see all the like signature Oregon pine trees like it's on the license plate like everything Oregon is like these special trees. They're not that they just are very specific to this part of the country. I just like love trees. I love like palm trees. I love like seen the West Coast palm trees versus the East Coast palm trees like Florida versus California. I just am very into trees. I'm an arbor enthusiast. You're telling I have seven. I have seven. I have seven. I have seven. 17 plants in my apartment. I'm a plant mom, but I'm not an arborist. We have, I have no trees at home. And then Raina goes, what is an arbor? You're like, what does the arborist do? Like, when would

you call an arborist? And I was like, if you have a tree situation. But like, what are those people, it's just like a gardener that does trees? They take care of trees. Well, yeah. Is that really it? That's it. I just like having like a little bit longer of intro today because I think that like what you and I have been like deal with these men as like parallel. And I just like this message of like if somebody's orbiting you and you're confused, just live your life. Yeah. All right, guys.

Well, we in actuality need to run to sound check for our Portland show. Yeah. But in podcast reality, we're going to introduce our guests. Yeah. She is great. She's super funny. She's born and raised in New York. She's an awesome podcast called The Unofficial Expert.

She's done work with BT MTV Comedy Central. She is basically a Barbie doll. Look at this outfit. She is very sexy. So, welcome to the house studio, Marie Boston. Baby. That old voice. Hi.

Marie is our oldest guest. I never realized how deep my voice was until, because I keep losing it every, like once a year, like it gets really, really raspy. And I sound like Maya Angelou. It's crazy. Do you think people, like, dudes like it? Girl, I don't care if they like it. I feel like it's kind of hot.

No, that's what I'm saying. I feel like people like that raspy voice. Yeah, I mean, I haven't spoken a lot of weed, like a lot. So I think it might be a little bit of that also. Maybe I'm dying. I don't have insurance. By the way, the reason this came up is because you were telling us that you recently did a voiceover audition that was meant for like an older person.

But they were like, you can handle it. Yeah. They're like, your voice has the right amount of depth. And I was like, are you trying to say I sound old? And they were like, mm-hmm. Yeah. Like a young viola. David.

Someone, I, last week, because I've been like a little sick, this is fine, but last week was pretty bad. My voice and I said on the podcast, like, my, I've been sick. This is why my voice sounds like this. Someone DM me, she was like, hey, Ashley, I do voice therapy if you're ever in any need. Like, your voice sounds like shit. I do voice therapy. I was like, that's what I'm just sick.

I'll be better next week. I'm just congested. Let me unclad my nose. It was just funny because last year, the whole winter I was sick, four months of like raspy, whooping cough and nobody said shit. Yeah. You sound exactly the same. I guess so.

Yeah, I guess that just sound like shit all the time. Anyways, you're 28. You're not 59. No, ma'am. You're from New York. Tell us more about yourself. What about me? So I am from New York, which I think is weird.

Where are you guys from? Pittsburgh and Delaware. Yeah. But I lived in Atlanta for 10 years. Okay. So I kind of like claim Atlanta too. Atlanta. So black dudes in Waffle House.

Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm from here. My mom and dad are from Haiti. English is the last language that I learned. Really?

It's the best one that I speak now. Growing up in New York was the last one. Well, my mom and dad are not from here. Okay. So they got to this, they hadn't been in this country that long when I was born. So they didn't really speak any English. And I have an older brother.

So he went to school and would come home and speak English to us. And that's how I learned English. Oh, really? Does that make sense? Yeah, that's fascinating. How much older is he? He's only a year older than me. Uh-huh.

So in my house, we speak all three languages at the same time. Oh my gosh. So French English, Creole, in one sentence. So I thought that's how everybody spoke. So when I started school, I would speak to my teacher like that and they were like, oh, she's dumb. And it's like, no, actually, she's quite smart. Actually, she's smarter than you. She speaks free languages.

She's trilingual. But I was in ESL for like nine years. Were you like, fuck you, mom and dad? No, I know. No one told me otherwise. ESL was fun for me. I saw Free Willy in ESL. I was like, this is amazing.

Wait, what is that? Just like slow learner? English second language. Oh, okay. Oh, you didn't have that at your school? ESL? I don't know. A lot of white kids in Delaware.

Delaware? Yeah, no, there was like one Jewish person. There was like, I mean, there was no. The ESL kids are in like a van out back behind the school. That's where they are. Like a mini trailer. Yeah, they're in a trailer. I was in one of those, but it was like for the gifted and talented kids.

You know what I mean? That's what they told you, sis. You were in one of them special classes. They were like, you're in a special class. Yeah, and you were like, I'm special. You took the tiny school bus. to school and you're like, this is VIP? And it's like, no, you can't be trusted around regular kids. It's all making sense. You see it now? You're like, no, I was special. No, I took the VIP

bus. They're like, girl, no. The VIP. You're like, this is. Yeah, so I was. Ashley's just now learning that she's actually a special kid. Okay. And are you dating? Are you single? Are you in a relationship? Oh, girl. This is, this question is. This question is. is hard because it's like, look at Marie, she is stunning. I should have so many hoes, you know, but I, um, I watch a lot of Lauren order as for you and I'm always afraid that I'm going to get kidnapped or murdered. So it's like, well, I'm not going to go to that house. I don't know him. And so I'm, I'm hanging and banging with somebody right now. Okay. I have a lover. Well, good. And, uh, the sex is good. But, uh, I just feel like I should be having more sex. Are you guys

So you guys aren't like monogamous, committed? No, he's not my boyfriend. Oh, you can do whatever. He's a lover. He's a lover. How did you meet him? Unhinge. Okay, nice.

But I was saying before, like, men don't approach me in real life. And it's annoying because it's like, I'm hell here, you know? I got a red lip on. Maybe I'll do on a lash. Like, you should be speaking to me in real life. Can I ask you a question? Because like, okay, I sit at home and just wait for men to approach me in my apartment, want to buy myself.

Do you actively put yourself? do you meet guys? Do you put yourself in situations like, do you work at coffee shops during the day? Do you like to go out to bars? How do you meet guys? I guess I'm also waiting at my house for a man to break in and meet me. You do comedy. I do comedy, but okay, so I was before the show that I was on, I was on stage almost every night of the week, right? And then I booked this TV show and I was like, bye comedy. Like people would ask me to do shows and I'd be like, I'm on a show that no one's watching. I don't do comedy. And then the show I can. canceled. And now I'm like, hey, comedy.

Can I get some spot? Comedy, you up? And so that's where I am now. Just doing comedy again. Did you meet guys? Open mics every night. But I also, I don't want to, like, I'm kind of meme in my comedy. I don't know if you can tell, but, like, I make fun of the audience a little bit. And I, like, roast men in general. And I always expect them to never come up to me.

But, like, it's always some, like, dusty dude in sandals that's like, hey, I would love to take you else some day. It's always a white man. That's why. Yeah, mediocre white man. Energy. They are the most confident person. Why? Why are men so confident? Because they can have anything. All you do is just show up and be a white man. You can't have anything you want. Not really. Not Marie. Why are the, right, you can't have me. Also, Dusty is my favorite adjective. Dusty is the perfect way to describe just men in general. But you know, like, male comics are out here on the road just fucking after every show. And it's not even funny male comedians. It's just like the most regular,

Degular. Unattractive. You look like a lesbian aunt. Yes. And you're fucking after the shows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Get up there with the microphone. You can have whatever you want. A microphone in a boot cut gene does not equal good dick to me. A boot cut gene. And I feel like all men for some reason just discovered Chelsea boots last year. So they're all wearing Chelsea boots. Wait, is that like a cowboy boot? No.

It's like a like a suede ankle boot. Okay. Because men, because a lot of them just need that height. Like a man that's wearing a cowboy boot. You're like, he knows this. secret. They got a cowboy boot is not my type.

Who's wearing cowboy boots out here? Get out of here. Girl. It's okay. Let me finish. It gives them a couple extra inches. Yeah, so do Timberlin boots. I don't need.

You're right. Timberlins. I don't need you in a cat. Just like, all my exes live. Like, no. He's like jumping up and like clapping them. Some guys can pull him off. My dad wears boots.

Does he wear cowboy boots? Does he wear cowboy boots? He lives in Dallas, Texas. Right. He probably wears a hat that goes with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rob wears him, my best guy for him. He's like a 6'5 good-looking dude.

He's not country. He'll rock a cowboy boot, but he doesn't need to for the height. With the jeans tucked in or the jeans not tucked in? The jeans go over. He might have... Halloween, you talk a man. I don't know what the proper protocol is for wearing a cowboy boots successfully as a man. I know women wear cowboy boots with, like, a drag.

and like a denim jacket. On October 30th, yeah. Right. I am not I'm not trying to short shame but it's a hack for short men. Also tall hair. What is your relationship history?

Do you have a long-term relationship? Yeah, so I've only ever had one boyfriend and it was kind of a... I'm not going to talk negatively about him because the last time I did that, which was the first podcast I ever did, it got back to him because I was like, people don't listen to a podcast.

And then he heard it. But he was a nice dude. We were together for like three years. And it was just, you know, it was fine. And then after that it was like, well, let me just do something completely different. I'm a be a ho. And I called it my hostentennial 2018. And then I failed miserably because I'm a germaphobe.

And I'd go to somebody's house and be like, oh, I'm not getting naked here. Like, this is nasty. Like just pubes on the ceiling fan. Right. How do they produce so many pubs? I don't understand it. They're everywhere. I mean, maybe it's not all pubs.

Like, when my hair gets wet, my fro shrinks down. I look like a young Michael Jackson. And when I comb my hair out, it looks like pubs. That's what my sister said to me. Maybe they were my hairs. So the hostentana. The hostentana. How did you decide to embark on the hostentany?

You would do dating apps? Well, okay, right. I was like, I'm going to do the apps. I'm going to like meet people out and people are going to set me up with their hot single friends. And nobody. It didn't work out. Nobody hooked me with anybody. Or people would be like, oh, Marie, you know who's perfect for you?

My other friend. And then I'll meet them and be like, yeah. Like he has no teeth. And they're like, yeah, but he's funny. And it's like, no. But you're funny. He's funny. You're black.

His teeth are black. He hasn't seen his kids in a couple of years. Like, that's not my type either. Do you date? Are you an equal? opportunity employer. Do you like black guys, white guys, brown guys, Asian guys? I've dated white dudes. I've dated black dudes, obviously, because look at me, I'm a queen. I've never dated a brown dude, but I feel like I'd be open to it. Listen, I've gone on dates with all types of men. I've only slept with white or black.

But like, it don't matter what you look like if you're paying for my food. That's accept a free meal from anyone. Oh, absolutely. And for me, because I'm a comic, so like, I get material when I leave in my house. If I'm home. home all day. I'm not getting anything new unless I look out the window. Right. If a guy's like, oh, I want to take you out, I'm like, absolutely. Right. And my friends would be like, do you like him? And I'm like, girl, it doesn't matter. Right. And he's also, for you getting a nice meal, he's getting entertained by like a beautiful woman. Like what else? Yeah, it's worth whatever meal. It feels like a win to me. I went on a day with this Italian guy once.

And when you, like from Italy, like he's here getting his masters or something. Yeah. And when you think Italian guys, what do you guys think? like from Italy. Like, Tall Darcanza. He was none of those things. He was like short and light and cheap. And we, like, he met, we met for brunch, right?

And we get to this place and I'm like, ooh, I'm hungry. Like, what am I going to eat? Because, you know, you save, you like, maybe don't eat the night before. Like, you're like, oh, I'm going to eat. I'm going to get two meals. Like, you're excited.

I'm going to get french toast. I'm going to get eggs. I'm going to get a side of bacon. It's going to be apple with smoked. Like, you're excited. He's like, how much does this bitch need to eat? Yeah, he was like, well, I'm not hungry, but, you know, if you want to get yourself something to eat, like, that's cool. And I was like, myself, like, brunch time, shocked.

Yeah. So I didn't get anything to eat. No. I got a tea because I was like the way that he was talking and he was so boring. Oh, no. Like, speak English? Yeah, he spoke English. He's been here for a little while.

And he was, like, he's talking about politics and Trump. And it was like, dude, why are you? I'm still trying to figure out why you're not paying for my food. we talking about Donald Trump right now? In a positive way? No, he just was like, this country is, you know, blah, blah, and it's not good because

and it's like, but why are you here? Like, go home. Right, why are we on a tea date? I want to know who, I, sometimes you go on dates with people like this and you're like, what planet are you from, like somebody on our vibes with that guy. Like, there are girls that go on dates with that guy and are like, he's so insightful.

Right. He is such counterculture ideas. And I just love it. Like, I want to know who that girl is. I don't know. I also would have ordered food. Like, I've been on those dates. where the guy's like, I'm not eating and I'm like, I'm going to eat.

What? What are you talking about here? Yeah. I don't know. But this felt like a thing where I like, I wanted to get in and get out pretty fast. Yeah. Oh, true. Yeah.

Like, it was like, oh, I'm not going to have a good time. Like, I'm in a bad mood now. Right. I mean, I also, he probably was also in a bad mood because like I showed up for this brunch date, like no makeup. Just like, I probably still had like eye buggers in my eyes. I was like, oh, okay, what we're in? He's like, nothing for you.

He's like, we're not eating anything. Marie, you were telling us before that you have recently been propositioned for more than one threesome. So we want you to tell us about them. So after the show got canceled that I was on, this couple messaged me. They had been messaging me while it was on. And they're like, oh, this woman, she's like,

oh, my boyfriend and I love your show. And then last week, last Friday, she sent me a message and was like, oh, I thought the show was on a break, but I see that it's canceled now. And she was like, my boyfriend and I would love to fly you out anywhere you want to come on vacation with us. And I was like, oh, they're trying to Natalie Holloway me. Like, they're trying to kill me on a beach. And then I talked about it on Twitter.

And I was like, well, what vacation do you have coming up? And she's like, Disneyland, Bora Bora, Amsterdam, Sweden, India. She's like, but wherever you want to go, we'll go. What are these people? Did you look a lot? These people in San Francisco. It's this white woman who looks like. Chloe Kardashian.

The new face. Gotcha. The old face. Yeah. So new Clay. The after picture. And then the, her, her man is, he's cute, a black dude, kind of Tristan Thompsony. And then in that conversation I was having on Twitter with everybody, like about this threesome

situation, another couple hit me up. And they were like, hey, you're like, they're like, hey, we have a proposition. Proposition? One of those two things. Proposition. Proposition. Wait, so, okay, but you thought you were maybe getting murdered at first? And then did people on Twitter help you realize it was a

threesome situation? Or did you confirm that they wanted to fuck you? No, I knew for sure it was a three-sum. I went on Twitter and was like, this woman, this couple wants me to do a threesome with them. Right. And I was like, let's list the pros and cons. Okay. People were like, what did you get back? People were like, you could get murdered, but

you might get a good story out of it. And I'm like, well, who am I going to tell in hell? Like, who am I going to tell this story to? Right. But as long as you're on the of death, I feel like in comedy, like everything you do is just for the story. But also, if people are up front about their identity and they're not hiding anything, they're not going to murder you. You could be like, hey, these are the murderers. Like, you could just tell, you know.

Yeah, but like, I feel like people's, people being afraid they're going to get caught doesn't stop people from murdering people. I think it does. Like, that's why people don't get murdered in Uber's and Airbnb's because, like, they're, you know they are accountable. Yeah. Like, you could, you could show, like, Sydney, who is Marie's podcast co-host. You could be like, here's their address, their picture. if I, I mean, I guess it doesn't help once you get murdered. Yeah, but they could easily get caught.

I don't know. I don't know. So you weren't into it. But this other couple message me and they were the next day and they were like, hey, no flight necessary. We're in Jersey. I was like, I'm not crossing the Hudson River to get my ass eight in New Jersey. I would rather die on a beach with sand in my booty hole.

Like I'm not. But this is an interesting concept to me about like bringing an extra person into the bedroom and who you bring in. because I think if you're a couple, it's not so crazy to ask somebody who like probably is never going to have a relationship with you outside of this threesome to come into the threesome. I mean, yeah, it's crazy to ask, I guess. But like, when you think about who to bring into the bedroom, I think it's so flattering. Yeah. Aren't you flattered? I mean, yeah, but it's like, why it takes so long for people to start asking me to do threesome? I've been here. I wear my retainer every night. Like, my teeth are great. Are you? Kyler's great. Have you? Are. Your teeth are good too. I'm bitch. I've been. I bought. I, I bought. bought these. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Sorry, guys, I can't relate. I mean, I had braces, but whatever. Well, I had braces for years. Yeah, I still wear my retainer. Yeah, I have a permanent retainer. Wow. So would you do a three-so? Well, see, that's the thing.

So this other couple, the second couple, they're like, well, what do you want? Because I was like, well, the other couple was offering a flight. What are you guys offering? This is so amazing. You get to, like, pit them against each other. I'm like, well, they're offering a flight. Like a job negotiating. Right.

And they're like, well, what do you want? And I'm like, oh. what do I want? So now I'm like pulling my friends to be like, well, what should I ask for? Oh my God.

It sounds like the San Francisco couple has more money if they're taking all those trips. They do have more money but they're farther away. Yeah. Like what is that? Vacation for you.

Right. But if I let them book a flight for me, they're going to Uber me to the house? Right. Is they going to pick me up and then we have to make small talk on the way to the three sides?

I would be going so deep on those two people like really stalking them to be like, do I want to fuck these people? The answer maybe yes. But if I'm doing my first three some. Like, it probably is local, you know? Right. I feel like you gotta say close. The first time, like, if I'm really like dabbling in threesome, it's probably like in my name. I don't want it to be in my neighborhood though. I don't want to see you after. See those

people? What, I'm, I bump into you at the bodega? Yeah. We're both getting a sausage like and cheese and we're like, oh, uh, you're so, how are things? I fucked this guy in my building and now every day of my life is living hell. Why would you do that to yourself? I was drunk. I don't Why doesn't even do anything? I've never banged somebody that went to the same school as me. That, like, I did bang a dude that I was working with, but, you know, I got fired. So. Yeah, on purpose.

Yeah, you're right. I guess you could, like, test it out with the New Jersey couple and then you could just be, like, the threesome girl. Well, I told them I'm not going to New Jersey. I mean, you're looking for a job. I was like, I'm not coming to Jersey. And they're like, well, we'll come into the city. And I was like, I want this hotel. I want floor to ceiling windows.

I want this, this, this, this. And I was like, but if I meet you guys and the chemistry's not there, I don't know what to tell you. Right. And he's like, yeah, chemistry is important. Are they attractive? What are they? The girl is attractive, but I'm not into women. And I told him that.

And he was like, all right, well, maybe we could figure something. I was like, sir, I'm not, because he's giving me 5-7 energy. Like, he looks like, I'm like, sir, I'm not here for baby dick. Like, I'm not here for your baby carrot dick. Like, if she's not going to be there, I would not be talking to you. Then it's not a threesome, though. Right. And it's just, you're cheating on your girlfriend?

Right. But she knows. Some people like that, though. Some people just know that. relationship or cuck holding things like that. Yeah, but I don't know if that's my ministry. And I'm going to be in France next month, so maybe I should have a monage in France. That seems like very appropriate.

Right? Just like not planned, just kind of like meet some sexy strangers somewhere and just bang of work. I feel like that's the way to go. Then you know the chemistry is there. Or just start with a girl. Like it just seems like a lot to me. Just go straight into a three sum with strangers across the country. You know, that's across the country, but New Jersey's right here.

Yeah. I mean, also I wouldn't go to Jersey. They would meet me here. Yeah, at the hotel. Right. Well, if you guys are coordinating threesome, lots to think about. I just think that's really flattering. They were like, she's the one.

It is flattering. She's the one we want to bring in. I already know what I'm going to wear. I got this awesome latex dress moment that I bought randomly at the thrift shop. And I was like, I don't know where I'm ever going to wear this. And then when I got those threesome offers, them two, I was like, I got a dress.

Had you ever gotten a threesome offer before? Yes. When I was in New Orleans last year, apparently that's like the threesome capital of the country. Okay. Who polls that? I don't know, but a lot of people go down to New Orleans to have a lot of people go down to New Orleans specifically for three-sats. And there is French inspiration there.

Okay. Tadda. French architecture and threesome's. I mean, you know, plus you can drink on the street there. It's like this, like, woman was really aggressive with me and her man was this like little skinny, like scaredy cat dude and we were all smoking weed or we were drinking

at a show and I was like I want some weed and they're like we got weed at the house and I was like okay where's the house? And they were like not that far and I was like where is the house? I was like go get it and come back and they're like you can come with us we have a van I was like what a van they're like the Toyota Sienna right

that's out and I was like I'm not getting in that car yeah I was like no one like I didn't know them. I had never met them. I don't know what their names were. The wife was like crazy. And like I went to the bathroom. She followed me into the bathroom. I was like, sis, you got to go. Like, would you have a threesome with your partner? Like if I was dating somebody. Yeah. Would you bring somebody in? No, because I feel like a threesome should be like a thing where like we do it and then don't ever see each other again. Yeah, I would want to be the third in a threesome. I would not want to be. I just,

I mean, whatever. Every relationship's different. That doesn't mean, in the future I couldn't get into a relationship with somebody that I wouldn't want to, I guess, have a threesome. But I think I personally would have a hard time bringing somebody else into the bedroom with my serious, significant other. I also don't want a boyfriend. That's not what I want.

I'll tell you what my real goal is for this year. I want to peg a man. I want to peg a man. Yes, girl. I want to peg a rich, a rich white man in his beautiful apartment overlooking the Manhattan skyline. You need a view if you're going to have.

I need a view of pegging Chad. Okay. Or Kyle. Or Blake. Blake. Or like Payton. Preston. Like I want, I feel like I need to.

Wait, so you've pegged before? So I've talked about this a lot. I thought about pegging a lot of the podcast. Love it. Missed it. No, I haven't done it. I met this guy that really wanted it. And like, we ended up stopping seeing each other pretty shortly after.

And I thought like, oh my God, like what is mentally wrong with him? But like, yeah, nothing. Like, every guy wants this. So many guys want this. Wait, so he asked for it and then you stopped. Yeah, he asked for it. Then I found out that he had a girl. friend he was cheating on with me, cheating on with me.

So then we stopped seeing each other. I still would have pegged him and then I would have dumped him. I want to peg a man and then never call him back. I'm going to see him in a wedding next year. Like pegging and then ghost. Yes. Like feel what it's like to be a man. Exactly.

Okay. Okay. So pegging. So have you ever brought it up with a man before? No, I have not. Have the man ever brought it up with you? No. How did you decide you want to do this?

I just, you know, it feels like, it feels right, you know? Like someone told me that they thought that I'd make a good dominatrix. I could see that. Thank you so much. And I was like, yeah, totally. And then I think I watched the episode of Broad City where Abby pegs her neighbor. Yeah. And I was like, I could probably do that too.

And then I saw something else where they were talking about it. And I was like, yep, that's what I'm a do. Right. And you were on Broad City too, right? Last line of the last episode of the series. That's so wild. Is that crazy? Full credit.

Yeah. That's crazy. What was the line? We were laughing at homeless people, essentially. And Sydney, my co-host from my podcast, was like, did you just make change with a homeless guy? And I go, we don't act like he doesn't have any small bills. And then we just laugh.

And that's the end of the show. The whole series. But also, if you're a true Broad City fan, that's like the first line that they said in like their web series. Oh, so Abby and Alana said it. Right. And then years later, I love that. So we need a white finance bro.

Chad, Kyle, Preston. Chad Michael Murray Jonathan Taylor Thomas Blake Blake is the straw Blake Sheldon People's sexiest man alive Oh my God

I'll peg a white man in a cowboy boot I'll just cut a little door in his jeans I can just picture you like keep the boots on While we overlook It's me just like slipping and sliding behind him I'm just like I can't get a good grip He's got his like Levi's all hiked up down around his ankle

And you're like you know what Don't even pull him down. I'm going to be in and out. Literally in and out. And then after I'm done, I'm going to be like, get me an Uber home. Uber black.

Uber. Yeah. I need a big Uber home. For SUV. Would you ever peg a guy? I just don't see it in my future. Okay. But I don't know.

I don't know. Ashley, you don't really have pegging energy. I know. She doesn't. That's fine. I don't know. Maybe it's because you're too tall.

I just don't know if I feel like that you would be into it. I don't think I'd be into it. I would just wonder if it would like change the relationship. Like I'll never be able to forget when I like fucked you in the ass. See, that's the thing. Like I wouldn't do it to a boyfriend. I would, I want to do it to somebody that I'll never see again.

Okay, gotcha. Or see only to pay. Like if I peg you, you're not my boyfriend. You're my girlfriend. Like, right. I am your boyfriend.

Right. Like, get me a car home now. Like, that's a good call. But Raina, you would peg your boyfriend. I mean,

I think I would do a lot of things within the confines of a relationship. And like, there's certain things that I think. It's interesting what turns people on and like what we'd like, what we would do. Like, I really like watching lesbian porn. I have no interest to talking up with girls. I mean, I have in the past. It just doesn't interest me.

Conversely, I can't see watching pegging type of porn and being turned down by it, but I would do it. I like gay porn. Yeah. I like watching it. Yeah. I love it. But I don't like watching lesbian porn. Oh, you like gay male porn.

I like gay male porn. I've never really watched me. Yeah. I think it's hot. Yeah. I'm masturbated to Brokeback Mountain. Did you? The movie was so slow.

I know. I haven't even seen it. It's like, you coming in sad? No, I'm not coming in sad. All right. All right. And then it was like, what is this movie? No, it was the tent shook for a little bit and you're like, what?

You masturbated to the tent swaying in the breeze? Okay, so you're dating somebody now, ish. No, you're sleeping with somebody now. No, I'm sleeping with somebody else. I just, I feel like this is what I want. In an ideal world, I'd have like three or four men in rotation. Right. I'd see them like once or twice a week.

Not all of them. But like if I'm seeing one a week, then like the next time I see you, like I might only see you once a month, right? I feel like the sex is better the less we have it together. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. Like if we have it regularly, then what are we, a married couple?

Right. But if I see you like expectations. Right. But if I see you like once every couple weeks, it's like a hotter. Right. Well, you're not bored with the same person. You get into a less of a routine. Right. But if I had like three or four different people in the rotation, I'd have one for different things. Like this one is like, I don't know. This one's good at head. This one's good at this. This one's good at that. Like you like having head?

That's enough. You know, I feel like I'm good at it. But like I feel like you don't deserve my good head. Like sometimes you's got to be like a little bit lazy about it. So they tell you not to do it again. You get bad. That's how I vacuum. You're like, I'm like, I do all cleaning really bad, so nobody ever asks me to do it again. You know? But I know what you mean. You're like, why waste this? Right.

Like, I don't really like you like that. Like, how long were you, how long did you go down on me that I need to be down here until you come? Right. How about I just like, like, I put my face near it and I'm like, meo. Like a cat. Every couple seconds, you just stick your tongue on it. When I have sex, I'm like a cat. I'm just like very lazy.

I'm like laying in the sun. just like hanging off the bed. Also, can you get me a water? A filtered water. Not from the tap. Do you feel like that makes guys want you more because you're like less intending to please? You're just like, I don't know.

No, I mean, if you like somebody, you'll try to please them, I think. But I don't really like anybody. Is this guy, do you think he's liking you? Yeah, we had like a conversation a couple weeks, months ago. And he was like, he told me that he liked me more than he thought. thought he did. And I was like, oof. I was like, why would you say that to me? Like, this is, this is disrespectful. Okay, but I think, I like that because I think that it's good for people to put themselves out there at the appropriate time and take a temperature check. I think

it's good to be honest. And like, that at least gave you the opportunity to be like, well, I'm not super. I don't feel the same. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, I, I, no, I mean, for her, I agree with you. It's a good chance for Marie to be like, I don't feel that's the same. Yeah. If you don't. No, but I mean, I mean. I like him fine, but I just, I, from the very beginning, I'm always very clear. Like, I don't want a boyfriend. Like, I just want somebody to bang. Yeah. But I think it's good that he put his cards in table and you put yours on the table. I flipped the whole table. I was like, there is no table.

I love this. Like, how dare you? You knew what this was. Why would you do this to me? I kept saying, I can't believe you're doing this to me right now. And he's like, trying to be vulnerable and stuff. And I'm like, how dare you? And was that the last thing that happened? Nah, I saw him recently. We had said, is great. Yeah. Yeah. You know, these things...

Also, when I have sex on certain types of weed, it's... Weed make sex great. Oh my God. It's the best orgasms you will ever have in your life. Oh, my God, really give some recommendations.

What kind of weed do you like to smoke? Sativa. Like any type of, like, something that's going to make me, like, energetic and, like, happy to be there. But also, like, if I know you're going to feed me after, I'm having a great time. Right.

I didn't even think about that. Eating after sex. Yes, it's. Get a little sharkout tree, board after three meat, six cheeses or whatever, like just, you know, maybe some James. Maybe that's the way to make a guy come faster. You just make a shirkoo board sit it next to the bed and be like as soon as you finish.

That wouldn't work for me. I'd be reaching over. Right. I'd be like, well, let me get some of the provolome. Like, I would be eating. I would be full George Costanza, like leaving over the bed eating that sandwich. Oh, 100%. Yeah.

I thought, well, I'll just, let me just, I'm a lay on my stomach. Just like. definitely eat during doggy style for sure. So you can't even see my face. I'm just like eating. I'm just on Instagram. I'm like, I just got to check my likes.

Just like, let me check my email, see what my manager walks. That's what we should do. Charcotry boards during sex. And made best orgasms ever. Oh my God. I have a question.

What do you think you're sacrificing with a boyfriend? Other people's dits? Freedom to do whatever. I'd probably agree with you. I'm just curious. other people to have sex with. I just, I feel like I'm in an interesting place career-wise, right?

Like, I, I, I feel like I'm on the cusp of, like, another level of dating. Does that make sense? Like, I feel like, right now it's like, you know, I'm very approachable. People see me in these streets. I still take the train, like a, like a poor person. But one, you're close to, in a couple months. You might be Uber-A. Right?

All right. I might be getting car service. Like, I just, I feel like, yeah. I deserve car. Car service dick, not subway penis. That is, that is like, you're like in between levels. Right. So you're like, I don't want to date down.

I mean, it's not. I mean, sometimes broke dick is like good dick, but like, you can't live there. You can't live in broke deck. Yeah, you got to move up to like. I feel like I'm in between levels, but like on my way down. Like I used to fuck hotter dudes that I do now. I used to only fuck like nines. I'm on my way to sevens, you know?

I think that's called aging. Yeah, it's called aging. It's called I need to buy. I knew tinnies. No, I think it's your, I think that's the thing is every woman that we know, like, has something they would change about themselves, right? Or they would tweak or they would adjust. And we are just bought up to be nice to people and not like hurt people's feelings.

Men? Like, if you ask a man what they would change about, if they would change anything about themselves, it could be like a midget missing a tooth with like no arms. What would you change about it? And he'll be like, nothing. and you're like, nothing? Like, you wouldn't add a tooth to your face? And he's like, I feel like I'm good here.

But like women are not like that. And I feel like you're dating down because you feel like it's a nice thing to do. But you could still date up. Men are just, they are literally either way too confident or crippled by insecurity. There's like no in between. Well, men are the most sensitive people I think on the planet. Oh, yeah, forget it. But also they're super confident.

Like a dude asked me for my phone number after he asked. me for a swipe on my metro card. And I was like, sir, you don't have two dollars. You're not my type. Like, how dare you ask me for my phone number? Do you have besides that a really good story of like a broke dude date? A broke dude date. I went on a day with a guy once and he was like, he, I ordered whatever I wanted. He ordered whatever he wanted. We were like, we're eating. We're having a good time. And then the check came and he was like, oh, my direct deposit hasn't hit yet. And I was like, Oh, I said, well, I don't have my wallet on me. And he was like, you don't have any money on you?

And I was like, neither do you. What? What happened? I didn't pay. I was like, I don't have it. So he found the money. Like, dude, do you think we're doing here? He is overdraft.

Right? So hard. Okay. Well, then overdraft. Because we're like, he's, like, I'm watching him order. So I'm ordering. I'm like, okay, well, I want the market price thing. Like, what's that?

Like, we're ordering things that don't have prices next to them. I'm like, I'm like, oh, this is out of season, but you have it? Great. I want the Brussels sprouts. Like, we are eating sides, things for the table. I'm like, yeah, we'll have a lobster for the table. Like, we're eating.

And then the check came and he looked me dead in my eyeballs and was like, oh, my direct deposit didn't. And I was like, oh, neither did mine. I was like, I don't have any money. Which is insane because he thought you were going to pay. Like when he was ordering that, he thought you were going to pay. Right. Or he thought we were going to split him. Or something. And I was like, I'm not good at division.

So. Well, we want to play this game with you. Fab. Unless you have anyone like a close remarks about anything else you want to say. In closing, I want to say that I am not a terrible human being. I just, I think that sometimes I talk about not wanting to pay for stuff and like the men that I'm attracted to. And people are like, well, you're kind of mean. And I know I am.

Right. But you're going to find the right person for you. I still deserve to have good penis in my life regularly. We always say the thing that makes you a bad guy is not being up front and honest about those things. As long as you're upfront and honest, then fine, be whatever you want to be. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Be best.

Okay. We are going to play this game called Is This Weird? This is one of our signature games. So we're going to read you some dating scenarios that people emailed us and you're going to decide if they're weird or not. Okay. Okay, the title of this email is coloring book. I haven't is this weird moment. I wanted a hitch date with a guy who works with children in a library part-time.

He's 25 and is in grad school for some like research thing degree. So she really cares about him. Okay. We had some witty banter and he was low-key adorable. So we went to a coffee house on our first day yesterday. When we both arrived, he had a bag of coloring books and crayons in his car and he asked if he could bring them in. I thought he was being cute and funny as like a joke since he brought them for the kids at work. So he actually brought the coloring book at a 24 piece crayon set of Crayola's Big Spender into the coffeehouse.

We literally colored in a Star Wars coloring book the entire time. At the end of it, he asked me if he could keep it as a keepsake. And I almost felt bad because he was so sweet, but it was just so awkward. He was completely normally a text and still is honestly just confused if I made him that nervous. Photo included for context. And we have a photo for you. I mean, that's just one of the, one of the. I thought it was going to be a picture of him.

It's a picture of the thing that's a coloring book. Just in case you didn't know what a coloring book looks like. But fully colored. And they dated it. What would you do if a dude brought crowns and a coloring book to your day date? Listen, I think it would be different if we're like at a restaurant or something. And they had like chalk already on the table or like the crayon. You know what I mean?

Like a kid's menu. But like the fact that he went, he asked to get into his car to take it out is like, why did you just bring it in in the first place? One. And then two, like, coloring it, it sounds fine. But then when he asked to take it home, like, I would have been like, you take it. Right? Like, at the end of a date like that, I feel like he should have just been like, all right,

well, you can keep it. Put it on your fridge. Like something like jokey like that. Yeah. But like to be like, do you mind if I keep this? Right. He's like a, he's got a fetish. Right.

Serial killers keep parts of their victim. Right. I bet you his apartment is covered with all these different things. things colored in, just a, like, a beautiful mind style. Just like, with like strings, red strings. Yeah. Yeah. So un-tacks all over it.

Oh my God, you're totally right. I feel like, okay, third date, I think it's cute and funny. Somebody brings an activity to us, like a ridiculous activity. And they're like coloring some weird shit of my name or something. First date, I kind of want your full attention. Also, a 24 pack of crayons? Oh, yeah. You can get them at any size.

Not the little baby, like, eight. Wait, also, no, they come in any size. She said 24 big spender. 64 is the big box. 64, the one with the sharpener on the back. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's like, I love that one. But 24, I guess 24 is the is like the one that's like the size of your phone.

Right, like three rows of eight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Quick math for you guys. Fucking weird. This guy's weird. He's got, you're totally right. Yeah. Beautiful mind apartment of coloring books. Okay.

This one, she says, I was on a sober date last week. I was running a 5K the next day. So we went for dinner and then, tickets to the cinema. Okay. The cinema. Is that... Or the movies? The cinema. This could be... She's writing from 1950. Or she's writing from Europe. That's... Yeah, right. One of your international fans. At dinner, I ordered the chicken and a Diet Coke. He ordered a steak and a pint of milk.

A pint of milk. She wrote it again. Mine and the waitress's jaw both dropped. And she was like, sorry what? And he repeated, yeah, can I get a pint of milk? When the waitress left, I just bust out laughing. I couldn't help it anyway. Not sure if it's a deal breaker, but is this weird? Was he dipping the steak in the milk? Okay. I have to tell you guys that my brother is a huge milk drinker.

That's why he got so big. He and I asked him, I said, would you order a pint of milk at a restaurant on a date? And he goes, I drink a, he goes, Ashley, I drink a half gallon of skim milk every single day, easy. I would only ever order milk if I would only ever order milk. I was super, super comfortable with my partner and I was eating chocolate for dessert. And I still can't remember the last time I did that.

Yeah. And he said, what happened? Why are you asking me this? Send me this man's info. This is crazy. I like he said, why are you asking me? Yes. A pint.

I like that he specified the measurement. A pint like a glass of milk. It wasn't a glass of milk. I would like a pint of milk. Not a cup. A pint. He couldn't get a glass of wine? Doesn't red wine pair well with steak?

She was sober. so maybe he was trying to stay sober. He could have got a ginger ale. Ice to eat, she got a Diet Coke. He could have got an Arnold Palmer. Like, I don't know. When you really think about it, though, it's like beef and the thing that you milk out of beef.

No. No. Because. Ew. It's like a whole cow. Yeah. It's not, no, it's not good. It's not, we're saying, that's good.

I'm just saying, I understand the paring. Oh, sick. No, this is like a Norman Rockwell painting. Like, I feel like if you look at his old, drawings, all the people would have glasses of milk at the dinner table. Right. And I just like, that's why I went straight to my brother because I'm like, he's a crazy milk guy. And he was like, absolutely fucking not. So yes, it's weird. It's bad. Okay. This isn't a dating one, but it's like a male female one. This is very funny. Okay.

The title, this is Siri. My boyfriend casually told me in conversation that he switched his Siri voice to a male voice because he legitimately ignores the female voice. He said that up until that point, he had lost all the time. He was like, he was like, lost all the time because he didn't recognize that someone was speaking to him. Is this weird? No, that's not weird. That sounds pretty normal to me, actually. It sounds like what my stepdad does to my mom.

My mom was like, your stepfather needs a hearing aid. He is deaf. I will ask him the same thing four times. I was like, bitch, he ignored you. He's not locking you. You're like, I'm not listening to you right now. Actually, I was on the phone the other day. I had a whole conversation with Ashley for the entire hour.

I don't listen. Can you imagine a man saying that to you? That means he's woke. I just can't listen to women. Yeah, but the fact that he's aware that he's not listening to, like, he's aware. Don't you think you should just try to listen to women? Or he should. I changed my theory to a man voice because I want to have a white man assistant.

I'm sorry, Marie. How man, I help you? I love this. This is my English accent. I just love you. You're like, I wouldn't have a white man that cares me. Oh, yeah. I want a white man.

Well, because, you know, I just want like a white man to be my assistant that I call the wrong thing all the time. And to peg them. Right. I'm just like, Jake. And he's like, Jake. And he's like, it's actually, I'm Tyler. And I'm like, shut up, Jake. Check my messages.

Just say stuff like you. This is your vibe. I can totally see that. You're in an office. Your assistant's name is Tyler. You call him Jake. Yeah. And then you just say you all look the same.

Yeah. It's perfect. And he's like, I'm, I'm, uh, Merrill Streep and he's Anne Hathaway. That's exactly what I think it is. And on the way off the door, you're like, excuse me, Jake. And he turns around and you're like, nothing. I just look at his shoes. I look at his bootcut jeans.

You're like, Chad. He's like, it's Kyle. I'm like, that's what I said. Okay. All right, we go one more for you. I met a guy in Hinge who fosters dogs, obviously, sweetheart. We went out in a few dates before we fucked. I would say about two, three weeks.

One day we were having sober sex and in between switching positions, his dick went limp, like totally gone. Obviously, I sat there saying, is it me? What can I do? Feeling like shit and more importantly, pissed that his dick couldn't get up again. When I asked him these questions, he could sense a ton of unhappiness in my voice. He told me that he is just in his head thinking about Buckley. the dog he fosters.

I was like, excuse me, your dick went limp after we were doing doggy style and switch because you're thinking about a dog. I was so weird out and dumbfound. And moments later, he told me crying. He was obsessed and in love with me. Is this weird? Does he think of me as a dog?

I feel like it got weirder and weirder by the minute. Okay, well, he started crying. Okay, I would have jumped out the window. I'm not here for man's tears. Also, he professed his love after, he professed his love with a limp dick? how dare you and your flaccid penis say that you love me? So if somebody says they love you, you need them to be all hard of.

Rock hard. Or just not in the best. I need to be the hardest dick. I'm so confused. So they were having sex. He went limp. And again, that's the thing that I'm saying. Like women will internalize that.

We'll be like, oh, my God. Like, he is something with me or my face or my body or my hair. Right. And the whole time, we're fine. It's them. And he's thinking about the dog. I think that he was lying. I don't think he was thinking about the dog.

Wait, that's such a good... And it's so true. Right. He's just like, oh, I'm thinking about my dog. What? Why? He looked for the closest thing in the room. Right.

Picked that. Buckley was in the room. Also problematic. Wait, you were so right. He just grabbed the first thing out of the red. He was like, oh, I was thinking about my dog. And he was like, what? What are you thinking about?

you're dog right and I and we've been in situations like I've been in situations where dudes dicks don't stay hard and you'd be like well I'm gonna go home right I'm not gonna ask you what's wrong I'm gonna go home there is this is so ridiculous you really cracked this case though

you're right he thought of the first thing that came to mind and then when she wasn't buying it he was like I love you so much and it's like do you does your dick like men are liars it's so true he was thinking about something else, or maybe it wasn't sober sex, maybe he was a little bit drunk.

And she was sober. Or on something else, you never know. Or something else, exactly. Lots of substances affect your dick. Sure, see? I could have been out of it. Yes, it's weird. And he's a liar. He's a liar. He's a liar.

It's not, the fact that he couldn't stay hard is not weird. It sucks. Right. I mean, sounds like she overreacted a little bit. It happens. You know, she was like, I just started asking him questions. That's not how you. I don't know if that's how you deal with it. I'm pretty sure nobody wants to enter into a deposition. after the gift of stay hard.

There's like a swinging light bulb on a string. Is it me? Like a million questions. You're slamming your fists on the table. Why would it stay hard? You're like hitting with a phone book. Why want it stay hard?

And now he's like, well, now this is why. He's like, because I was thinking about Buckley. You got to throw a phone book at his dick if it's not. Why would it stay hard? Tell me. I don't know Buckley. He's like, well, she can't handle the truth. My dog.

These questions were great. Your listeners are. amazingly strange. Thank you. We love that. Oh my gosh. I just love this. You have to have a guy say I love you over a hard dick and a pint of milk. Well, thanks for playing and being here. Plug all your stuff.

Where can people find you in the podcast? Oh, my God. Thank you so much for having me. My podcast is called The Unofficial Expert. It's on Spotify and iTunes and wherever the hell good podcast live. Yes. You can see me at the knitting factory every Sunday in Williamsburg. Yeah, I host and produce the comedy show there with two of my meanest friends.

It's one of the best shows in the city. Every Sunday at Ninnian Factory. It's so, so good. If you guys haven't been there to Williamsburg, it's a really cool venue for comedy and just shows in general. It's an awesome, awesome show. And then Marie Faustin.com for show dates and news about me and my life. Or Reazy on Instagram, R-E-E-Z-Y.

Cool. And we're going to tag you and everything so they can easily find you and they can find your stuff. Thank you for being here so much. Yeah. If you're sexy and you want to be pegged by me, you know, hit me up. Right. If you're like a white finance guy

With a view I don't want to peg a black man Because I feel like you know Black men already have it hard enough So I want to pick a white man And then be like I just love you so much I think

I'm not kidding We're going to get requests So we'll send them your way Yeah And guys as always You can find us On Instagram Girls Got Eat Podcast

Check our website Girls Got Eat Podcasts or stupid live shows.com for show tickets, follow us on Twitter, all the things. You know what it is. And we'll see you next week. Thanks guys. Have a good week. Bye. Bye guys. Love you.